#lance stroll my goat | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

leclerc-s · 4 months

Text

snow angel - track two

series masterlist // previous // next

2 YEARS AGO

i'll fucking fight him. i swear it.

no honey, you don't have to.

i saw this coming.

how on earth could you see this coming?

he was distant.

i've told him i loved him for days and he always responded me "me too" or worse he said nothing back

oh sweetie

how did you put up with that? you deserve so much better.

it's okay. i'm moving out of our apartment tonight. ryan said i can stay with him for a few weeks.

i love him lily. i don’t know when those feelings will go away. i hope they go away soon. i can’t keep loving someone who hurt me this bad.

i promise you i’ll fight him when i see him in bahrain next season.

i hope he dnfs

i hope you write a fucking day destroying album because of this. he will never know peace

oh lily, i'm going to ruin his fucking life with whatever i come with.

lily muni he removed lando norris

lily muni he fuck that guy

charles leclerc i do not understand what happened? george russell you're telling me the chronically online guy doesn't know what just happened? alex albon the grid's #1 gossip girl doesn't know what happened? charles leclerc NO I DON'T KNOW THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING CONNARDS!

pierre gasly lando cheated on rhea

max verstappen i can crash into him in bahrain next season?

yuki tsunoda i will bite his ankles. lily muni he i'll poison his food yuki tsunoda we will not go that far. food is sacred.

esteban ocon does this mean that **** can finally **** ***?

lance stroll how about you shut the fuck up esteban? max verstappen what the fuck are you two going on about now? lance stroll ignore esteban. he's a bit delirious.

daniel ricciardo i promise to make his life miserable next year.

rhea reynolds i'm just pissed that he was too much of a coward to end our relationship before he went on to publicly cheat on me.

rhea reynolds at least try to not get caught.

charles leclerc what is it the kids say? he fumbled?

lance stroll please never use that phrase again

pierre gasly she's probably crying to taylor swift now

rhea reynolds LET ME BE PEAR GASLY! daniel ricciardo yeah, pierre let the girl be emotional! rhea reynolds if i'm crying to all too well that's nobody's business but mine

charles leclerc you can come to bahrain with me!

max verstappen or me! daniel ricciardo you're both thinking too small. show up with me. can't promise i'll have a good race or win but it'll show him!

rhea reynolds thanks guys but i'm not really up to going to races anytime soon.

lily muni he never let a man take anything from you. GO TO THE RACE!

rhea reynolds nah, not really up for it right now but i could change my mind in a few months. it's literally december!

charles leclerc i will save a spot for you regardless.

yukitsunoda it's okay, i can bite his ankles if he comes near you.

rhea reynolds i appreciate the sentiment yuki

rhea reynolds besides, i'll never date another fucking driver again.

rheareynolds posted new stories

nothing better than taylor swift to help with heartbreak who needs men when cats are much better company?

liked by lilymhe, charles_leclerc, mickschumacher and others

rheareynolds home for the holidays update: i adopted a cat, i got cheated on (i should stick to dating women), and goats hate ryan. p.s. the first picture is what i sent to max when he made fun of me for getting cheated on.

tagged: vancityreynolds

view all comments

maxverstappen33 THAT’S NOT TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT!

↳ rheareynolds you told me and i quote, “that’s what you get for dating a guy who looks like a walking orange.”

↳ maxverstappen33 i called him ernie and then a walking orange. get it right.

lilymhe my offer still stands

↳ yukitsunoda0511 mine too! i can bite ankles!

↳ rheareynolds thanks guys but i'd rather not have to bail you out of jail for assault.

user01 so did they break up? or what? the chismosa in me needs to know

user02 it's okay rhea, he didn't deserve you

user03 fuck men, am i right?

comment liked by rheareynolds

vancityreynolds you're lying to everyone blake made those cinnamon rolls, not you.

↳ rheareynolds must you ruin everything?

↳ vancityreynolds it's my job as your older brother.

georgerussell63 why get an orange cat when he's a walking orange?

↳ alex_albon because rhea is the embodiment of an orange cat

↳ rheareynolds it's true. i've been told many times

user04 love to see that loser's friends are on her side. how are you going to publicly cheat on your girlfriend?

↳ user05 but did he cheat? what if they were broken up?

↳ user06 either you can't read (no offense) or you didn't read the caption, she literally says, "i got cheated on" they were very much together. stop trying to invalidate her pain because you love l*ndo

user07 it's okay baby, you can date me instead

↳ rheareynolds thanks for the offer babes but i should stick to being single for a while ❤️

↳ user07 i'm screaming!

user08 rhea's better than me fr. i would've destroyed his car carrie underwood style.

maxfretwell going to miss your cookies. that's the worst part about all of this

↳ rheareynolds yeah cause fuck my heartbreak right?

↳ maxfretwell that's not what i meant and you know it!

↳ rheareynolds can't wait to see the gossip pages say max fretwell says rhea reynolds' heartbreak is not validated

↳ maxfretwell i take it all back this is why he cheated on you

↳ rheareynolds TOO SOON FRETWELL!

↳ user09 curse n*rris for taking this duo away from us!

taglist: @emilyval @ihateyougunthersteiner @lesliiieeeee @firetruckstuckley @cashtons-wife @landonorizzz @yoremins

strikethrough means i couldn't tag you

CLICK HERE TO BE ADDED TO THE TAGLIST

¡leclerc-s speaks! i was listening to say don't go while write the first half of this. hence, the reference to the song.

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

#leclerc-s #snow angel series #f1 instagram au #f1 x oc #f1 oc #f1 smau #f1 social media au #f1 #formula one #f1 fic #formula 1 fic #f1 x female oc #lando norris x female oc #mick schumacher x female oc

214 notes · View notes

rilakeila · 8 months

Text

f1 racer!slytherin boys headcanons,

y'all got any headcanons about f1! ferrari! bf!mattheo or f1! mercedes! bf! theo. i got some continuing headcanons from the last headcanon post:

i figured that draco is either a reserved racer for mercedes or can be actual racer with theo (bc idk draco gives george russell vibes😭); or be a racer on aston martin with lance stroll (daddy's money iykyk)

and ofc enzo is on mclaren

again, they're the leclerc/russell/albon/norris quad in their era on the grid; twitch is their shit; "i wanna play goat simulator," "are we milking the goat?" "no mate, you are the goat"

enzo would be a f-boy, literally living it up pre and post races; like there's no way he ain't gonna cheat on u at least once

all of them would party, but mattheo is the "i love y'all but let me leave."

they're all super competitive, probably throwing expletives in the radio when they're racing

theo: "wtf is he doing? what a f***ing idiot, get him off the f***ing track (in his radio but to everyone)

but they're all close after two days after the race and they laugh about it later, bc they're probably throwing hands after the race

mattheo best f1 bf, showing you off everywhere prior and after the race also at events

any more thoughts? send them in my asks bc i need ppl to talk about this au with

#rilakeila slytherin <3 #theodore nott x reader #draco malfoy x reader #hp fanfic #lorenzo berkshire x reader #mattheo riddle x reader

177 notes · View notes

localwhoore · 2 months

Note

can you write a fic where the logan sergeant defenders are all drivers and noelle gets into a fist fight with logan?

DRIVERS ????

WARNING QND DISCLAIMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

consented racism and unconsented ageism against noelle obviously under the cut

and also my opinions dont cancel me over this stupid shit tjanks 😁😁

red bull

goatifi

-> 2x wdc, clutched up AD21 and took the checkered flag 10 times (scoring an extra 250 points) and won the championship instead of max or lewis and caused outrage. also scored a redbull seat

max verstappen

-> DUDUDUDU MAX VERSTAPPEN DUDUDUDU MAAX VERSTAPPEN no seriously he won the championship by lap 1 😞

ferrari

fernando alonso

-> future 3x wdc, promising 43 yrold rookie future of f1 who is unfortunately unable to escape the torturous clutches of ferrari (finally wins a wdc for them too)

charles leclerc

-> is chained up and shackled at the bottom of ferrari HQ and fed cold soup and stale bread twice a week and cannot be released unless its race weekend. (inspired by the james vowles c.ai bot i got bored and talked to who had alex albon, who he called alaobono, in a cage for biting williams guests. also he crawled on all fours and threw chairs and printers)

mercedes

liyah amelia grace habibi afzal @foreveralbon

-> when f1 eventually brought sepang back onto the calendar, liyah was fighting for P1 a few laps in when her engineer mentioned sightseeing at KL’s twins towers (the petronas towers). this was a mistake as upon hearing those words, liyah was immediately inhabited by the spirit and earthly energies of her late uncle: muhammad hazam “ارهابي” omar afzal, who passed down his loving lifelong legacy to her via muscle memory and pure instinct aka going back to her roots. anyways, she flung her car towards a corner with banking and projectile launched herself at 346km/h over 60km distance between her and her goal over the span of a shocking 10 minutes and 24 seconds!!! liyah escaped the incident with little injury, but the same cannot be said for those inside the towers (towers as in plural because george russell flew past her into the 2nd tower shortly after). media had an absolute fucking field day

george russell

-> misses half his races to film ads for tommy hilfiger and marriot bonvoy. toto gets pissed and kicks him out of their sleepover party which makes george severely depressed but its ok cz he gets married to carmen in his fav hotel marriot w a british royalty themed wedding (hes dressed as princess diana)

mclaren

lando norris

-> 4x wdc, paid goatifi to take out max and asked oscar to pull a kmag in saudi and decimated a 1-2 at silver stone hip hip hooray also he got fucked into the monaco hairpin barriers and was injured permanently unable to grow a pedostache

oscar piastri

-> 999x wdc, boy oh boy where do i even begin. the loml, oscar piastri. you truly are my sunshine. my only sunshine. you make me happy when skies are gray. you’ll never know dearrrrr how much i looove youuu please dont takee my sunshine awaaaaayyyyyyyy pookie wookie aookie bookie cookie dookie eookue fookie gookie hookie iookie jookie kookie lookie mookie nookie oookie pookie quookie rookie sookie tookie uookie vookue wookue xookie yookie zookie

alphatauri

yuki tsunoda

-> 50x wdc. my goat 🐐 he beat daniel 23-1 and is a fucking LEGENDDDDDD MY GOAT TRRRRRAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOINTS AND YUKAMPIONSHIP LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO 🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶

liam lawson

-> he finally let his hair grow out so he doesnt look like a lesbian anymore cutie patootie finally got a seat 😜😜

aston martin

avis cloostefek @aviscarrentals

-> actively trying to seduce lawrence stroll for that bank cz shes kinda broke idk the f1 life pays her less rhan she thought???? regularly breaks into the VIP area and eats all rhe food in catering because shes pasty pale white and has no cuisine culture except crackers and unseasoned boiled chicken and a side of cheese soggy french fries

lance stroll

-> justice for lance guys his dad is being seduced by a pasty white woman with very bad very severe chronic culture-less behavioural tendencies 😞

alpine..

lea @vroomvroomcircuit

-> im sorry but someone had to be in the alpine and i picked u🥰 much love!! anyways one fine typical tuesday lea remembered that her teammate is french and her deeprooted german moustache man awakened and unleashed havoc upon the french demanding her right to the land of the baguettes and croissant to be reclaimed for the return of glory for the motherlandYAA deutschland 🇩🇪 NEIN DA FÜHRER SAUSAGE 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

pierre gasly

-> french ☹️

haas

althea noelle. @disneyprincemuke

-> 10x destructors championship. an antique and prehistoric primordial being in the form of a petite pinoy creature. it has devoted to the art of racing since the dawn of time. since day was night, night was day as the two parallels of each other blurred in a flourish and spectacle of a draped veil over the vast expanse known as the horizon, since the stars aligned side by side in the darkest of hours. she raced upon the lands of pangea, upon the tallest of mountains now reduced to stones and rubble that crumble under footsteps and blow with the breeze. throughout millennia, throughout the countless frigid winters and blistering summers as she watched empires rise and fell, civilisation bloom and prosper, tyrants dictate and rebels overthrow, dynasties rule and eras whirl past like the wind, akin to momentary blips as centuries compile into memories viewed back upon within seconds. the only divinity to harbour ancient knowledge lost to time and space, lost through endless bloodshed of war as humanity tore itself apart , screaming aggressive rage and agony from the inside as flesh ripped flesh as the steady drill of what could be known as time mercilessly marched on, and waited for none. the little beam of consciousness this dingus fostered within burnt bright bold as passion strove on as fuel for her little stature (shocking). also she has yet to score a point in f1 cz she keeps twinning logan sargeant and crashing out on the 1st lap. her nickname is turn one thea 💀💀💀

TLDR; noelle is old and hasnt scored in f1

kevin magnussen

-> https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSFGTu8tL/

stake kick balls sauber

zhou goatyu

-> 中国是第一！！周冠宇我爱你啊！！！请让祖国骄傲我们都支持你。周冠宇周冠宇！加油加油加油拿多分🗣️🗣️🗣️🥶🥶🥶

mclgf (now ur saubergf idk) @mclarengf

-> all hands on deck for the pitstops!!!! toby and newplayer are incharge of the tires and aria is ur race engineer turned reserve driver and tobys a development driver idfk bro 😭😭

williams

alex albon

-> james vowles character ai bot

logan sargeant

-> Oh Say, can you see By the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched Were so gallantly, yeah, streaming? And the rockets' red glare The bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night That our flag was still there O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave also twinning noelle loves crashing

safety car driver

me (i cant drive)

30 notes · View notes

heartshapedracetrack · 2 years

Text

Okay so since i'm still very new to f1 here's my impression of all the drivers because it's fun and i know nothing

Sir Lewis Hamilton: -very fashionable, gay rights, cute dog and absolute Gott (i mean goat but whatever)

Seb: so much lesbian mom energy i'm about to cry that he's retiring

Charles le chair: giggly mess and absolutely adorable , confused puppy 99% of the time he could be World champion if he's be driving for literally anybody else except Ferrari , ✨️monagasque✨️

Lando norris: chaotic, frat boy but in small, chronically online , probably likes to cuddle a lot, sleeps absolutely everywhere?? 100% a scorpio

Carlo5 5ainz: even more confused than charles, *zones out* *sings* *stares into space* *dolphin noises*

Pierreeee GaslYy: apparently likes everything on the Internet, his Personal life is messy , stole ocon's gf ???? Has two boyfriends, 3 side pieces, french

Yukittsnoda: smol bean , married to Pierre and food

Max verstappen: you either hate or love him, his dad is everyones villain origin story, dutch and drunk

Danny ric: light of everyone's life even Harry Styles' , would walk through hell with a smile while drinking out of a shoe, just vibin'

Micky Mouse : Michael Schuhmacher might be his dad but Sebastian Vettel is his mom. The boy next door who lends you sugar and makes you fall in love

Estie bestie: everyone's best friend except Pierre gasly because he stole his gf...probably hate fucking tho...they're french

Lance stroll: in the family Business, has one Fan and that's the guy on tik tok who's living on my fyp

George Russel: Business major with a heart of a grandpa and would call your parents every weekend to catch up. So nice he'd buy you Gifts every day just to see you smile, wearing Shirts is for the weak

Alex albon: the WAG everyone wants! Besties with George , almost died of appendicities

Zhou: ???? Literally no Clue

ValteRRi Bottas: thirsty thursday and finish. No need to say more

Kevin Magnussen: could be a hero or could kill you

Goatifi: 0 points , which is good in Flensburg( german joke hehe) but not in formula one

Checo Perez: Mexico that's all i know

Fernando alonso: old , like really old. Retired but it was just an april fools joke , probably races until he's legally not allowed to anymore because his reaction time would be 45 minutes.

#f1 #formula 1 #lewis hamilton #sebastian vettel #charles leclerc #lando norris #max verstappen #idk everyone else

70 notes · View notes

scrollonso · 9 days

Text

seeing a lot of nando fans on tiktok go insane over his "past few races" (literally 1 race and quali today.) and getting mad at how aston "treats him"

i think this is so funny because fernando has made it clear that he loves aston and has so much faith in them

aston martin first joined f2 in 1959 then left a year later.

during the '59-60 seasons aston scored ZERO POINTS

they came back to f1 61 years later. (thanks lawrence, ily king)

aston has had 9 podiums, scored 456 points, and had 2 fastest laps.

fernando has given them 8 podiums, more than half of their points, and both fastest laps.

fernando has said his contract with aston is the longest one he's ever signed.

if he didnt like how he was being treated, the results of the races, or anything major about the team HE WOULDN'T HAVE SIGNED THE CONTRACT!

fernando scored points for 9 gps in a row, he finished 19th in imola because his car was literally damaged before the race... LMAO

nando loves being in tiffany green!! tiffany green loves him! and so does his canadian twink!

54 notes · View notes

forelsketparadise · 1 year

Text

Now that the new season is starting. I feel I need to give the new followers who followed me after the season a fair warning of what my blog would cater like during the season. if you don’t want to see me say anything bad about your fav then you can press unfollow or block.

The ones who matters

Pierre Gasly & Charles Leclerc (the only ones that truly matters to me)

Like Them

George Russell (he grew on me last season)

Zhou Guanyu (he is growing on me)

Valtteri Bottas (he is okay enough for me)

No Feeling Whatsover

Kevin Magnussen (he just exists)

Nyck De Vries (can be moved into thin ice or hate crime pretty quickly)

Oscar Piastri (same as Nyck, only in this list because his signing with Mclaren made Alpinerre possible. Can easily move to the thin ice or hate them list)

Thin Ice

Lewis Hamilton (the GOAT and i love watching on track but is on thin line for his comments after Suzuka and behavior off track lately)

Esteban Ocon (depends on how he will behave with Pierre)

Yuki Tsunoda (still miffed about Sliverstone, might move in the above category depending on the season)

Lance Stroll (depends on hate crimes against Pierre)

Nico Hulkenberg ( I just know he would be in the hate list soon)

Hate them (them scoring points is a hate crime against me)

if you don’t want to see me bashing any of these drivers. Block or mute me now.

Sergio Perez (annoying cheater )

Carlos Sainz (annoying, whining and a bad teammate)

Lando Norris (annoying fakeass)

Fernando Alonso (grandpa needs to go)

Logan Sargant (who wants to see a trump supporter succeed anyways)

Alex Albon (fake and mediocre enough said)

Go to hell list

Max Verstappen (when is he retiring?)

#tag not tagged

8 notes · View notes

p1darren · 1 month

Text

Lance & Nando :))) || 🇺🇸 Miami GP 2024 || (Photos from their Friday debrief)

#my goat #fernando alonso #fa14 #lance stroll #ls18 #aston martin f1 #aston martin #miami gp 2024 #formula 1 #f1

20 notes · View notes

leclerc-s · 7 months

Text

i did something bad - part four

THE SOFT LAUNCH

masterlist//previous//next

WINTER BREAK 2023

teagancroft happy winter break from me and my idiot!

view all comments

maxverstappen1 i must inform everyone that a group bonding experience was not as good of an idea as we thought it was

georgerussell63 i regret everything. i no longer want to know who teagan's boyfriend is.

↳ username spill princess george who is it?

username so who went?

↳ teaganhorner me, my boyfriend, max, charles, danny, liam, pierre, kika, yuki, mick, lewis, george, carmen, alex, lily, lando, logan, oscar, arthur and ollie.

↳ username let me be apart of this friend group please! i'm begging!

danielricciardo FRET NOT PEOPLE WE WILL BE GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS WITH OUR FAMILIES! WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER THAT MUCH!

arthur_leclerc please tell me someone got a picture of charles face planting in the snow?

↳ landonorris i did! i'll send it to you!

charles_leclerc keep the pda to a minmum please. us singles are feeling painfully single.

↳ teaganhorner how is it our fault that you can’t pull?

↳ georgerussell63 VIOLATION!

carlos sainz so you’re all vacationing together?

valtteri bottas you couldn’t pay me to hang out with you people for longer than two days out of work. except for zhou, i can hang out with him.

nico hulkenberg i see you guys 3/4 out of the year, i’ll take what i can get away from you people

kevin magnussen yeah i don't like you people enough to vacation with you. especially not pierre

pierre gasly what the fuck did i do? kevin magnussen oh i've heard enough about your adventures

lance stroll i got the invite but i couldn't make it. sorry again.

george russell with the way the season ended between you and charles we didn’t think it was a good idea to invite you.

lewis hamilton *i didn’t think it was a good idea. apologies carlos.

carlos sainz but you invite an f2 driver?

max verstappen arthur and ollie are a package deal. ollie was tagging along whether we invited him or not.

alex albon remember when charles and carlos used to be like that? i do, it seems like a long time ago.

logan sargeant it was like 3 weeks ago.

alex albon but it feels like so long ago

teaganhorner, lilymhe, charles_leclerc, and aussiegrit have posted new stories

- country life how i adore you!

- i will be leaving my career as a professional golfer behind and permanently living on seb’s farm

- these goats look like teagan and her boyfriend

- the cows have been named fernando, nico, kevin, britney, and kimi

charles_leclerc posted a new story

- joyeux noël de notre part à toi (merry christmas from us to you)

teaganhorner 'there's glitter on the floor after the party' HAPPY 2024! wishing you all the best of luck and happiness in the new year. here's to spending another year with my favorite people in the entire world.

view all comments

georgerussell63 i remember nothing from last night

↳ landonorris that’s how you know it was a great party

olliebearman i’m begging for someone to come rescue me. i’m currently stuck between a tall american and a french. i am uncomfortable.

↳ oscarpiastri where are you? i'll come get you. was i the only one who found a bed to sleep on?

↳ olliebearman second floor guest bathroom? in the tub. i don’t know how we ended up here. and yes oscar, i think you were one of the few who found a bed.

↳ username i would sell my left kidney to have attended this new year’s party

alex_albon i vaguely remember pierre and yuki singing start of something new at midnight

↳ username PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONE RECORDED THAT?!

↳ alex_albon sadly we were all too wasted to record. but it will forever be engraved in my memory

username is it not a little petty to invite everyone but carlos?

↳ username just because carlos isn’t commenting doesn’t mean he wasn’t there. or maybe they invited him but he just chose not to go.

liked by teaganhorner, lewishamilton, lilymhe and others

username did anyone end up with any accidental tattoos?

↳ danielricciardo i have the words honey badger tattooed on me now

↳ maxverstappen1 that one may be my fault. i would apologize but i only know i was at fault because i found a video of us at a tattoo parlor.

lancestroll esteban and i had the best sleep ever on the pool floaties. surprising neither of us ended in the pool, we were so fucking wasted.

↳ mickschumacher i ended up sandwiched between lewis and charles on the couch. alex and george ditched their girlfriends and cuddled each other on the floor

↳ alex_albon excuse you, our girlfriends ditched us for teagan.

↳ teaganhorner as they should. i'm the better choice between us, it's not even a competition.

pierregasly someone get me and fernando a ladder, we somehow ended on the roof.

↳ estebanocon that's because you and nando thought you were spider-man and you climbed onto the roof through a window.

username this entire friend group is so chaotic. people are on the roof, in the pool, in the tubs. i really wished netflix had been there to record this.

arthur_leclerc I'M NOT FRENCH BEARMAN!

logansargeant i'm starving, who's cooking?

↳ teaganhorner not charles that's for sure

↳ mickschumacher he's still asleep, he won't be cooking. thank god.

↳ lewishamilton just order food and someone get charles off me. i am not his girlfriend for him to be cuddling.

↳ username guys save it for the group-chat. stop exposing your secrets

george russell must we add giovinazzi back?

max verstappen we don't have to, checo's still here.

daniel ricciardo what happened to nyck?

pierre gasly he left the chat on his own after saying goodbye to all of us. it was a very emotional day.

sergio perez i can leave

alex albon NO! YOU ARE FORBIDDEN FROM DOING SO!

yuki tsunoda considering you're still the red bull chat, i would assume you're still one of us, retired or not.

george russel THERE'S A RED BULL CHAT??

max verstappen YUKI!

yuki tsunoda I'M SORRY I FORGOT!

lando norris hear me out, what if we just add giovinazzi to the official f1 group chat and not this one?

carlos sainz added one person

lando norris oh for fuck's sake

antonio giovinazzi boy, you sure know how to make a guy feel welcomed don't you norris?

lewis hamilton welcome back antonio.

max verstappen let us pray that ferrari doesn't treat you like shit

antonio giovinazzi with the way you shit talk ferrari one would think you're in love with leclerc max verstappen what was it checo said one time? game recognizes game. charles is talented, we all know that, even you, he was wasting away at ferrari. there's a reason they gave him the name il predestinato and not you, the actual italian. i would like to see you win monza your first season at ferrari.

logan sargeant the girls are fighting!!

alex albon not the time logan, not the time.

george russell CAN WE CIRCLE BACK TO THE RED BULL GROUP CHAT THING? WHO'S IN IT?! SOMEONE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!

daniel ricciardo we gotta put the poor guy out of his misery charles leclerc no, let him suffer george russell charles? i expected this from max, but you? charles leclerc fine, tell him daniel daniel ricciardo with pleasure. red bull group chat members are as follows, myself (duh), charles, max, checo, liam, yuki, christian, teagan, pierre, alex, mark, and seb. oscar piastri MARK? MARK WEBBER? AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME? daniel ricciardo carlos was in it at some point but he ditched us for ferrari.

logan sargeant place your bets on how long it's going to take for someone to threaten murder this season

kevin magnussen i give it until friday the week of the bahrain gp

alex albon alternatively, place your bets on a who's going to place 3rd because we all know it's going to be a red bull 1-2.

teagan horner posted a new story

we're back!!! did you miss us? cause we missed you.

¡leclerc-s speaks! this one is super short because there's not much happening for them during this time other than charles soft launching his and teagan's relationship. this one’s kinda boring and also has massive time jumps , i apologize. but it’s time to get into pre-season testing and the bahrain gp!

#leclerc-s #i did something bad series #f1 instagram au #f1 x oc #f1 smau #f1 social media au #f1 #formula one #f1 fic #formula 1 fic #f1 x female oc #charles leclerc x female oc

355 notes · View notes

ficletsandthelike · 7 years

Photo

I just finished the latest season, and I’m really conflicted. Allurance?? Keith leaving Voltron???? LANCE CAN DO ACROBATICS????? After such a volatile ride, I needed a break in the more peaceful, less “universe-at-stake” side of things, so I present to you a college au featuring meme wars and awkward feelings.

Keith scrolled through Twitter, rolling his eyes at the discourse. He was about to turn off his phone for the night when a particular phrase caught his eye: “Send your best memes!” It turned out to be a message from a voice actor he followed, creating a competition of sorts for the best ironic photo on the internet. He smirked to himself and chose his best piece, replying with nothing more than a shrugging emoji. Keith pressed the power button and pulled up his blanket, but a small dinging noise had him reluctantly viewing a notification that someone had replied to him.

@lancelancerevolution replied: im pretty sure that a meme as weak as that doesn’t even deserve to be judged

Attached was a meme of Kermit the Frog that Keith, despite his irritation, had to admit was pretty good. He sighed and decided to take a nap in chemistry the next day, preparing himself for the long night ahead.

@gayblade replied: It’s not my fault you have wrong opinions.

Lance squinted at the sassy retort, nearly laughing out loud. A crudely cropped image of a goat was the best this kid could do, and yet he dared to smacktalk such a memelord as Lance McClain? He typed furiously, pulling another picture from his arsenal.

@lancelancerevolution replied: last time i checked it doesnt take a genius to tell when you stole a meme from ifunny

The next reply was immediate, next featuring “Considering your grammatical skills and attempts at insults, it most definitely doesn’t.” and a gif. Lance watched the grandma throw fireballs over and over, growing more petulant with each replay. He huffed and retorted with the best meme he could find.

@lancelancerevolution replied: Better now? I didn’t think I needed to waste any brainpower on a twelve year old that thinks he’s hilarious.

Keith was wide awake by now, all thoughts of sleep forgotten in favor of winning the battle against this rude stranger. He snorted triumphantly, confident that his next meme would cause his opponent to give up the fight; thinking for a second, he added a clever quip to address the jab at his maturity.

@gayblade replied: I’m actually a student at Altea University, and though I’m not pursuing a degree in Memeology, I have plenty of experience in the field. Lance curled his lips mischievously, completely ignoring the picture beneath the tweet. So they went to the same school, did they? There was only one way to settle it once and for all, then.

@lancelancerevolution replied: You. Me. Starbucks on east side of campus at 10 a.m. tomorrow, rain or shine. Bring your best; you might as well go down fighting.

Ten a.m. would be perfect, since Keith had a class at eleven. He felt a prick of concern that this could be a kidnapping waiting to happen, but the coffee shop was always bustling, so Mr. High and Mighty wouldn’t be able to lay a finger on him. Besides, he doubted that a guy with such an obnoxious tagline probably couldn’t win against a black belt. Keith rolled his shoulders, as if to loosen up before a spar, and sent the final message.

@gayblade replied: You’re on. Be sure to pack some towels to wipe up your reputation.

The next day, Keith set out early and jogged to Starbucks, making sure his phone was fully charged with power and memes before leaving. He stepped inside and took out his earbuds, checking the time: 9:53 a.m. Perfect. He collected his coffee and nestled at a small table at the corner of the room. He glanced up every time the door squeaked open, but no one seemed to be interested in arguing about internet humor.

Finally, when ten arrived and Keith was about to give up, a lanky boy strolled in with a lazy grin. He hovered for a bit until he met Keith’s gaze, smile widening. He plopped down and rested his elbow on the table.

“Might you be the gayblade I’m seeking?” His blue eyes were startlingly sharp, and Keith found himself swallowing hard.

“Only if you’re lancelancerevolution,” Keith said. “Just Lance is fine. It sort of loses its edge if you keep saying it, you know?” Lance flounced. The tension flared in the sudden silence, and Lance covered it by taking out his phone and sliding it onto the table. “I’m assuming gayblade isn’t your name?” Lance prompted. “You talk way more when you don’t have a screen to hide behind,” he added, refueling Keith’s frustrations.

“It’s Keith, Keith Kogane. And for the record, I prefer to communicate with more rational people, specifically ones that don’t start meme wars.” Lance waved his hand dismissively. “And yet here you are. Now tell me: when did you first want to learn the ways of the meme?”

They shot insults back and forth, quizzing each other on obscure references and debating the relevancy of each meme to exist since the internet began. They occasionally looked up details, lording each victory over the other’s head until the next opinion came to light. After over half an hour of relentless pursuit, Lance pulled ahead, consistently quoting comics and videos that Keith had never heard of. Keith went to throw his cup away and returned with a glare, throwing his hands up in defeat.

“Alright, fine. You’re the most annoying, overzealous guy I’ve ever met,” Keith grumbled, “but you know a lot about internet culture.” “Haha!” Lance pumped his fist and shouted, eliciting a stare from the cashier. “I, Lance McClain, am an internet connoisseur; it has been decreed by the Lord Gayblade himself,” he decreed in a quieter tone. “And now, my reward,” he said, looking at Keith expectantly. “Reward? It’s weird enough that you think this is some sort of achievement; what could you possibly want from me?” Keith asked. “Your number, of course,” Lance answered smoothly.

Keith did a double take. This guy was just full of surprises, wasn’t he? Lance tried to be nonchalant, but Keith could see his ocean blue eyes become clouded with something akin to embarrassment. A napkin corner was torn off and written on, and his eyes returned to their brilliant luster.

“Whoa, really?” Lance questioned, adding the contact. “We’ve gotta find something I can beat you at,” Keith affirmed. Lance laughed, but it didn’t have the same grating superiority that Keith had sensed earlier. It was genuine, a rich sound that he thought he might enjoy hearing again. “Well, I’ve got a class, so I should head out,” Keith said, standing up. “Until we meet again, Lance McLame.” Lance pouted playfully and waved. “Hasta la later, Keith Kogayne.”

#klance #lance mcclain #vld lance #lance vld #vld keith #keith kogane #voltron keith #keith (voltron)#lance (voltron)#voltron lance #my writing

143 notes · View notes

call-me-odysseus-blog1 · 7 years

Text

The Mythical Voyage to Ithaca

Aeolus engaged me for an entire month making inquiries all the time about Troy, the Argive armada, and the arrival of the Achaeans. I let him know precisely how everything had happened, and when I said I should go, and requesting that he promote me on my way, he made no kind of trouble, however started doing as such without a moment's delay. Besides, he excoriated me a prime bull stow away to hold the methods for the thundering winds, which he quiets down in the cover up as in a sack-for Zeus had made him skipper over the winds, and he could mix or still every one of them as per his own particular joy. He put the sack in the ship and bound the mouth so firmly with a silver string that not even a breath of a side-wind could blow from any quarter. The West wind which was reasonable for us did only he let blow as it picked; yet everything came to nothing, for we were lost through our own habit.

"Nine days and nine evenings did we cruise, and on the tenth day our local land appeared not too far off. We got so close in that we could see the stubble fires consuming, and I, being then killjoy, fell into a light rest, for I had never given the rudder a chance to out of my own hands, that we may return home the speedier. On this the men tumbled to talking among themselves, and said I was bringing back gold and silver in the sack that Aeolus had given me. 'Favor my heart,' would one swing to his neighbor, saying, 'how this man gets regarded and makes companions to whatever city or nation he may go. See what fine prizes he is bringing home from Troy, while we, who have voyage similarly to the extent he has, return with hands as vacant as we set out with-and now Aeolus has given him quite a lot more. Speedy let us see what everything is, and how much gold and silver there is in the sack he gave him.”

In this way they talked and hateful guidance won. They loosed the sack, and the wind immediately flew crying forward and raised a tempest that completed us crying to ocean and far from our own nation. At that point I got up, and knew not whether to give myself completely to the ocean or to live on and make the best of it; yet I bore it, concealed myself, and set down in the ship, while the men mourned intensely as the savage winds bore our armada back to the Aeolian island. "When we achieved it we went towards shore to take in water, and ate hard by the boats. Right after supper I took a messenger and one of my men and went straight to the place of Aeolus, where I discovered him devouring with his better half and family; so we sat down as suppliants on the limit. They were surprised when they saw us and stated, 'Odysseus, what brings you here? What god has been abusing you? We made careful arrangements to further you on your route home to Ithaca, or wherever it was that you needed to go to.

I talked as smoothly as possible, however they don't say anything, till their dad replied, 'Most terrible of humanity, get you gone on the double out of the island; him whom paradise loathes will I in no savvy offer assistance. Be off, for you come here as one hated of paradise. "What's more, with these words he sent me grieving from his entryway”.

"therefore we cruised tragically on till the men were exhausted with long and unbeneficial paddling, for there was no longer any twist to help them. Six days, night and day did we drudge, and on the seventh day we achieved the rough barricade of Lamus-Telepylus, the city of the Laestrygonians, where the shepherd who is driving in his sheep and goats salutes him who is driving out his rush and this last answers the salute. In that nation a man who could manage without rest may gain two fold wages, one as a herder of steers, and another as a shepherd, they work at night as they do by day.

"When we achieved the harbor we discovered it arrive bolted under soak precipices, with a tight passageway between two headlands. My commanders took every one of their boats inside, and made them quick near each other, for there was never to such an extent as a breath of twist inside, however it was constantly dead quiet. I kept my own ship outside, and moored it to a stone at the very end of the point; then I climbed a high shake to observe, however could see no sign neither of man nor steers, just some smoke ascending from the beginning. So I sent two of my organization with a specialist to discover what kind of individuals the occupants were.

"She immediately called her significant other Antiphates from the place of get together, and forthwith he start executing my men. He grabbed up one of them, and started to make his supper off him without even a moment's pause, whereon the other two kept running back to the boats as quick as ever they could. However, Antiphates raised a clamor after them, and a great many tough Laestrygonians jumped up from each quarter-monstrosities, not men. They tossed tremendous rocks at us from the bluffs just as they had been insignificant stones, and I heard the awful solid of the boats crunching up against each other, and the demise cries of my men, as the Laestrygonians skewered them like fishes and took them home to eat them. While they were in this manner slaughtering my men inside the harbor I drew my sword, cut the link of my own ship, and advised my men to push with alf their strength in the event that they too would not charge like the rest; so they laid out for their lives, and we were sufficiently appreciative when we got into untamed water far from the stones they heaved at us. With respect to the others there was not one of them cleared out.”

"Thus we cruised tragically on, happy to have gotten away demise, however we had lost our confidants, and went to the Aeaean island, where Circe carries on an extraordinary and sly goddess who is possess sister to the entertainer Aeetes-for they are both offspring of the sun by Perse, who is little girl to Oceanus. We brought our ship into a sheltered harbor without a word, for some god guided us thither, and having landed we there for two days and two evenings, exhausted in body and psyche. At the point when the morning of the third day came I took my lance and my sword, and left from the ship to observe, and check whether I could find indications of human craftsmanship, or hear the sound of voices. Moving to the highest point of a high watch out I espied the smoke of Circe's home rising upwards in the midst of a thick woods of trees, and when I saw this I questioned whether, having seen the smoke, I would not go ahead on the double and discover all the more, yet at last I regarded it best to backpedal to the ship, give the men their suppers, and send some of them as opposed to going myself.”

When I had almost returned to the ship some god feel sorry for my isolation, and sent a fine antlered stag directly into the center of my way. He was descending his field in the woods to drink of the stream, for the warmth of the sun drove him, and as he passed I struck him amidst the back; the bronze purpose of the lance went clean through him, and he lay moaning in the tidy until the life left him. At that point I set my foot upon him, drew my lance from the injury, and laid it down. I additionally assembled unpleasant grass and surges and wound them into a comprehend or so of good forceful rope, with which I bound the four feet of the honorable animal together; having so done I hung him round my neck and strolled back to the ship inclining upon my lance, for the stag was much too enormous for me to have the capacity to convey him on my shoulder, steadying him with one hand. As I tossed him down before the ship, I called the men and talked cheeringly man by man to each of them. 'Look here my companions,' said I, 'we are not going to kick the bucket such a great amount before our time all things considered, and at any rate we won't starve insofar as we have something to eat and drink on load up.' On this they revealed their heads upon the ocean shore and respected the stag, for he was in reality an awe inspiring individual. At that point, when they had devoured their eyes upon him adequately, they washed their hands and started to cook him for supper.

#westieisodysseus #scholar #JrisOdesseuy #schoolisgoodforya

2 notes · View notes

readbookywooks · 7 years

Text

Tyrion

If you die stupidly, I'm going to feed your body to the goats," Tyrion threatened as the first load of Stone Crows pushed off from the quay.

Shagga laughed. "The Halfman has no goats."

"I'll get some just for you."

Dawn was breaking, and pale ripples of light shimmered on the surface of the river, shattering under the poles and reforming when the ferry had passed. Timett had taken his Burned Men into the kingswood two days before. Yesterday the Black Ears and Moon Brothers followed, today the Stone Crows.

"Whatever you do, don't try and fight a battle," Tyrion said. "Strike at their camps and baggage train. Ambush their scouts and hang the bodies from trees ahead of their line of march, loop around and cut down stragglers. I want night attacks, so many and so sudden that they'll be afraid to sleep—"

Shagga laid a hand atop Tyrion's head. "All this I learned from Dolf son of Holger before my beard had grown. This is the way of war in the Mountains of the Moon."

"The kingswood is not the Mountains of the Moon, and you won't be fighting Milk Snakes and Painted Dogs. And listen to the guides I'm sending, they know this wood as well as you know your mountains. Heed their counsel and they'll serve you well."

"Shagga will listen to the Halfman's pets," the clansman promised solemnly. And then it was time for him to lead his garron onto the ferry. Tyrion watched them push off and pole out toward the center of the Blackwater. He felt a queer twinge in the pit of his stomach as Shagga faded in the morning mist. He was going to feel naked without his clansmen.

He still had Bronn's hirelings, near eight hundred of them now, but sellswords were notoriously fickle. Tyrion had done what he could to buy their continued loyalty, promising Bronn and a dozen of his best men lands and knighthoods when the battle was won. They'd drunk his wine, laughed at his jests, and called each other ser until they were all staggering . . . all but Bronn himself, who'd only smiled that insolent dark smile of his and afterward said, "They'll kill for that knighthood, but don't ever think they'll die for it."

Tyrion had no such delusion.

The gold cloaks were almost as uncertain a weapon. Six thousand men in the City Watch, thanks to Cersei, but only a quarter of them could be relied upon. "There's few out-and-out traitors, though there's some, even your spider hasn't found them all," Bywater had warned him. "But there's hundreds greener than spring grass, men who joined for bread and ale and safety. No man likes to look craven in the sight of his fellows, so they'll fight brave enough at the start, when it's all warhorns and blowing banners. But if the battle looks to be going sour they'll break, and they'll break bad. The first man to throw down his spear and run will have a thousand more trodding on his heels."

To be sure, there were seasoned men in the City Watch, the core of two thousand who'd gotten their gold cloaks from Robert, not Cersei. Yet even those . . . a watchman was not truly a soldier, Lord Tywin Lannister had been fond of saying. Of knights and squires and men-at-arms, Tyrion had no more than three hundred. Soon enough, he must test the truth of another of his father's sayings: One man on a wall was worth ten beneath it.

Bronn and the escort were waiting at the foot of the quay, amidst swarming beggars, strolling whores, and fishwives crying the catch. The fishwives did more business than all the rest combined. Buyers flocked around the barrels and stalls to haggle over winkles, clams, and river pike. With no other food coming into the city, the price of fish was ten times what it had been before the war, and still rising. Those who had coin came to the riverfront each morning and each evening, in hopes of bringing home an eel or a pot of red crabs; those who did not slipped between the stalls hoping to steal, or stood gaunt and forlorn beneath the walls.

The gold cloaks cleared a path through the press, shoving people aside with the shafts of their spears. Tyrion ignored the muttered curses as best he could. A fish came sailing out of the crowd, slimy and rotten. It landed at his feet and flew to pieces. He stepped over it gingerly and climbed into his saddle. Children with swollen bellies were already fighting over pieces of the stinking fish.

Mounted, he gazed along the riverfront. Hammers rang in the morning air as carpenters swarmed over the Mud Gate, extending wooden hoardings from the battlements. Those were coming well. He was a deal less pleased by the clutter of ramshackle structures that had been allowed to grow up behind the quays, attaching themselves to the city walls like barnacles on the hull of a ship; bait shacks and pot-shops, warehouses, merchants' stalls, alehouses, the cribs where the cheaper sort of whores spread their legs. It has to go, every bit of it. As it was, Stannis would hardly need scaling ladders to storm the walls.

He called Bronn to his side. "Assemble a hundred men and burn everything you see here between the water's edge and the city walls." He waved his stubby fingers, taking in all the waterfront squalor. "I want nothing left standing, do you understand?"

The black-haired sellsword turned his head, considering the task. "Them as own all this won't like that much."

"I never imagined they would. So be it; they'll have something else to curse the evil monkey demon for."

"Some may fight."

"See that they lose."

"What do we do with those that live here?"

"Let them have a reasonable time to remove their property, and then move them out. Try not to kill any of them, they're not the enemy. And no more rapes! Keep your men in line, damn it."

"They're sellswords, not septons," said Bronn. "Next you'll be telling me you want them sober."

"It couldn't hurt."

Tyrion only wished he could as easily make city walls twice as tall and three times as thick. Though perhaps it did not matter. Massive walls and tall towers had not saved Storm's End, nor Harrenhal, nor even Winterfell.

He remembered Winterfell as he had last seen it. Not as grotesquely huge as Harrenhal, nor as solid and impregnable to look at as Storm's End, yet there had been a great strength in those stones, a sense that within those walls a man might feel safe. The news of the castle's fall had come as a wrenching shock. "The gods give with one hand and take with the other," he muttered under his breath when Varys told him. They had given the Starks Harrenhal and taken Winterfell, a dismal exchange.

No doubt he should be rejoicing. Robb Stark would have to turn north now. If he could not defend his own home and hearth, he was no sort of king at all. It meant reprieve for the west, for House Lannister, and yet . . .

Tyrion had only the vaguest memory of Theon Greyjoy from his time with the Starks. A callow youth, always smiling, skilled with a bow; it was hard to imagine him as Lord of Winterfell. The Lord of Winterfell would always be a Stark.

He remembered their godswood; the tall sentinels armored in their grey-green needles, the great oaks, the hawthorn and ash and soldier pines, and at the center the heart tree standing like some pale giant frozen in time. He could almost smell the place, earthy and brooding, the smell of centuries, and he remembered how dark the wood had been even by day. That wood was Winterfell. It was the north. I never felt so out of place as I did when I walked there, so much an unwelcome intruder. He wondered if the Greyjoys would feel it too. The castle might well be theirs, but never that godswood. Not in a year, or ten, or fifty.

Tyrion Lannister walked his horse slowly toward the Mud Gate. Winterfell is nothing to you, he reminded himself. Be glad the place has fallen, and look to your own walls. The gate was open. Inside, three great trebuchets stood side by side in the market square, peering over the battlements like three huge birds. Their throwing arms were made from the trunks of old oaks, and banded with iron to keep them from splitting. The gold cloaks had named them the Three Whores, because they'd be giving Lord Stannis such a lusty welcome. Or so we hope.

Tyrion put his heels into his horse and trotted through the Mud Gate, breasting the human tide. Once beyond the Whores, the press grew thinner and the street opened up around him.

The ride back to the Red Keep was uneventful, but at the Tower of the Hand he found a dozen angry trader captains waiting in his audience chamber to protest the seizure of their ships. He gave them a sincere apology and promised compensation once the war was done. That did little to appease them. "What if you should lose, my lord?" one Braavosi asked.

"Then apply to King Stannis for your compensation."

By the time he rid himself of them, bells were ringing and Tyrion knew he would be late for the installation. He waddled across the yard almost at a run and crowded into the back of the castle sept as Joffrey fastened white silk cloaks about the shoulders of the two newest members of his Kingsguard. The rite seemed to require that everyone stand, so Tyrion saw nothing but a wall of courtly arses. On the other hand, once the new High Septon was finished leading the two knights through their solemn vows and anointing them in the names of the Seven, he would be well positioned to be first out the doors.

He approved of his sister's choice of Ser Balon Swann to take the place of the slain Preston Greenfield. The Swanns were Marcher lords, proud, powerful, and cautious. Pleading illness, Lord Gulian Swann had remained in his castle, taking no part in the war, but his eldest son had ridden with Renly and now Stannis, while Balon, the younger, served at King's Landing. If he'd had a third son, Tyrion suspected he'd be off with Robb Stark. It was not perhaps the most honorable course, but it showed good sense; whoever won the iron Throne, the Swanns intended to survive. In addition to being well born, young Ser Balon was valiant, courtly, and skilled at arms; good with a lance, better with a morningstar, superb with the bow. He would serve with honor and courage.

Alas, Tyrion could not say the same for Cersei's second choice. Ser Osmund Kettleblack looked formidable enough. He stood six feet and six inches, most of it sinew and muscle, and his hook nose, bushy eyebrows, and spade-shaped brown beard gave his face a fierce aspect, so long as he did not smile. Lowborn, no more than a hedge knight, Kettleblack was utterly dependent on Cersei for his advancement, which was doubtless why she'd picked him. "Ser Osmund is as loyal as he is brave," she'd told Joffrey when she put forward his name. It was true, unfortunately. The good Ser Osmund had been selling her secrets to Bronn since the day she'd hired him, but Tyrion could scarcely tell her that.

He supposed he ought not complain. The appointment gave him another ear close to the king, unbeknownst to his sister. And even if Ser Osmund proved an utter craven, he would be no worse than Ser Boros Blount, currently residing in a dungeon at Rosby. Ser Boros had been escorting Tommen and Lord Gyles when Ser Jacelyn Bywater and his gold cloaks had surprised them, and had yielded up his charge with an alacrity that would have enraged old Ser Barristan Selmy as much as it did Cersei; a knight of the Kingsguard was supposed to die in defense of the king and royal family. His sister had insisted that Joffrey strip Blount of his white cloak on the grounds of treason and cowardice. And now she replaces him with another man just as hollow.

The praying, vowing, and anointing seemed to take most of the morning. Tyrion's legs soon began to ache. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, restless. Lady Tanda stood several rows up, he saw, but her daughter was not with her. He had been half hoping to catch a glimpse of Shae. Varys said she was doing well, but he would prefer to see for himself.

"Better a lady's maid than a pot girl," Shae had said when Tyrion told her the eunuch's scheme. "Can I take my belt of silver flowers and my gold collar with the black diamonds you said looked like my eyes? I won't wear them if you say I shouldn't."

Loath as he was to disappoint her, Tyrion had to point out that while Lady Tanda was by no means a clever woman, even she might wonder if her daughter's bedmaid seemed to own more jewelry than her daughter. "Choose two or three dresses, no more," he commanded her. "Good wool, no silk, no samite, and no fur. The rest I'll keep in my own chambers for when you visit me." It was not the answer Shae had wanted, but at least she was safe.

When the investiture was finally done Joffrey marched out between Ser Balon and Ser Osmund in their new white cloaks, while Tyrion lingered for a word with the new High Septon (who was his choice, and wise enough to know who put the honey on his bread). "I want the gods on our side," Tyrion told him bluntly. "Tell them that Stannis has vowed to burn the Great Sept of Baelor."

"Is it true, my lord?" asked the High Septon, a small, shrewd man with a wispy white beard and wizened face.

Tyrion shrugged. "It may be. Stannis burned the godswood at Storm's End as an offering to the Lord of Light. If he'd offend the old gods, why should he spare the new? Tell them that. Tell them that any man who thinks to give aid to the usurper betrays the gods as well as his rightful king."

"I shall, my lord. And I shall command them to pray for the health of the king and his Hand as well."

Hallyne the Pyromancer was waiting on him when Tyrion returned to his solar, and Maester Frenken had brought messages. He let the alchemist wait a little longer while he read what the ravens had brought him. There was an old letter from Doran Martell, warning him that Storm's End had fallen, and a much more intriguing one from Balon Greyjoy on Pyke, who styled himself King of the Isles and the North. He invited King Joffrey to send an envoy to the Iron Islands to fix the borders between their realms and discuss a possible alliance.

Tyrion read the letter three times and set it aside. Lord Balon's longships would have been a great help against the fleet sailing up from Storm's End, but they were thousands of leagues away on the wrong side of Westeros, and Tyrion was far from certain that he wanted to give away half the realm. Perhaps I should spill this one in Cersei's lap, or take it to the council.

Only then did he admit Hallyne with the latest tallies from the alchemists. "This cannot be true," said Tyrion as he pored over the ledgers. "Almost thirteen thousand jars? Do you take me for a fool? I'm not about to pay the king's gold for empty jars and pots of sewage sealed with wax, I warn you."

"No, no," Hallyne squeaked, "the sums are accurate, I swear. We have been, hmmm, most fortunate, my lord Hand. Another cache of Lord Rossart's was found, more than three hundred jars. Under the Dragonpit! Some whores have been using the ruins to entertain their patrons, and one of them fell through a patch of rotted floor into a cellar. When he felt the jars, he mistook them for wine. He was so drunk he broke the seal and drank some."

"There was a prince who tried that once," said Tyrion dryly. "I haven't seen any dragons rising over the city, so it would seem it didn't work this time either." The Dragonpit atop the hill of Rhaenys had been abandoned for a century and a half. He supposed it was as good a place as any to store wildfire, and better than most, but it would have been nice if the late Lord Rossart had told someone. "Three hundred jars, you say? That still does not account for these totals. You are several thousand jars ahead of the best estimate you gave me when last we met."

"Yes, yes, that's so." Hallyne mopped at his pale brow with the sleeve of his black-and-scarlet robe. "We have been working very hard, my lord Hand, hmmm."

"That would doubtless explain why you are making so much more of the substance than before." Smiling, Tyrion fixed the pyromancer with his mismatched stare. "Though it does raise the question of why you did not begin working hard until now."

Hallyne had the complexion of a mushroom, so it was hard to see how he could turn any paler, yet somehow he managed. "We were, my lord Hand, my brothers and I have been laboring day and night from the first, I assure you. It is only, hmmm, we have made so much of the substance that we have become, hmmm, more practiced as it were, and also"—the alchemist shifted uncomfortably—" certain spells, hmmm, ancient secrets of our order, very delicate, very troublesome, but necessary if the substance is to be, hmmm, all it should be . . . "

Tyrion was growing impatient. Ser Jacelyn Bywater was likely here by now, and Ironhand misliked waiting. "Yes, you have secret spells; how splendid. What of them?"

"They, hmmm, seem to be working better than they were." Hallyne smiled weakly. "You don't suppose there are any dragons about, do you?"

"Not unless you found one under the Dragonpit. Why?"

"Oh, pardon, I was just remembering something old Wisdom Pollitor told me once, when I was an acolyte. I'd asked him why so many of our spells seemed, well, not as effectual as the scrolls would have us believe, and he said it was because magic had begun to go out of the world the day the last dragon died."

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I've seen no dragons. I have noticed the King's Justice lurking about, however. Should any of these fruits you're selling me turn out to be filled with anything but wildfire, you'll be seeing him as well."

Hallyne fled so quickly that he almost bowled over Ser Jacelyn—no, Lord Jacelyn, he must remember that. Ironhand was mercifully direct, as ever. He'd returned from Rosby to deliver a fresh levy of spearmen recruited from Lord Gyles's estates and resume his command of the City Watch. "How does my nephew fare?" Tyrion asked when they were done discussing the city's defenses.

"Prince Tommen is hale and happy, my lord. He has adopted a fawn some of my men brought home from a hunt. He had one once before, he says, but Joffrey skinned her for a jerkin. He asks about his mother sometimes, and often begins letters to the Princess Myrcella, though he never seems to finish any. His brother, however, he does not seem to miss at all."

"You have made suitable arrangements for him, should the battle be lost?"

"My men have their instructions."

"Which are?"

"You commanded me to tell no one, my lord."

That made him smile. "I'm pleased you remember." Should King's Landing fall, he might well be taken alive. Better if he did not know where Joffrey's heir might be found.

Varys appeared not long after Lord Jacelyn had left. "Men are such faithless creatures," he said by way of greeting.

Tyrion sighed. "Who's the traitor today?"

The eunuch handed him a scroll. "So much villainy, it sings a sad song for our age. Did honor die with our fathers?"

"My father is not dead yet." Tyrion scanned the list. "I know some of these names. These are rich men. Traders, merchants, craftsmen. Why should they conspire against us?"

"It seems they believe that Lord Stannis must win, and wish to share his victory. They call themselves the Antler Men, after the crowned stag."

"Someone should tell them that Stannis changed his sigil. Then they can be the Hot Hearts." It was no matter for jests, though; it appeared that these Antler Men had armed several hundred followers, to seize the Old Gate once battle was joined, and admit the enemy to the city. Among the names on the list was the master armorer Salloreon. "I suppose this means I won't be getting that terrifying helm with the demon horns," Tyrion complained as he scrawled the order for the man's arrest.

#ClashofKings

0 notes