#me when I’m too scared to tag

[rye-kin]

BOOYAH!

Progressively more upsetting pent up Jekyll and hyde art

Mostly I just wanted to post the thangs I kinda worked on <\\3

#ronnies junk #cw bright colors #he’s brocen <\3 #MY HEARTTTT i loVED Her #WAAAAHHH #me when I’m too scared to tag

[daydream-draws]

some of my faves,,,,,

(click for better quality)

#kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #sophie foster #keefe sencen #maruca chebota #sorry for not posting art for a while I’m rusty on digital #and traditional tbh :’( #I have been so busy jeez but the semester is almost over #and idk I’m just not that into keeper as I was when I started this account but I’m scared to post other fandom work #bc the things I’m into now are too like. big idk their fandoms scare me #so maybe day oc work to come??? #I’ll stop blabbering in the tags I’ve missed this place but idk I’ll catch up w ppl once I like 😭 #have time #feel free to send asks or dms tho :] #I’m trying to stop being so lurky here lol #also still have not read stellarlune so hashtag fake fan ig #my art

[kaidabakugou]

coffee dates with your mom have you spilling all your dirty secrets without a second thought 😭

#kai.rambles #idk what this phenomena is but it’s apparently common lol #im gonna tmi in the tags like it’s a little face time call bc i’m waiting at the airport for my friend #but i had a little coffee date with my mom yesterday bc we both needed a little break since the family is STILL here and hasn’t left #and we just need this whole thanksgiving thing to be over bc we’re going insane with so many relatives in and out of our homes #so we went to a local coffee shop that just opened and it’s so cute btw and ITS PET FRIENDLY so i saw many doggies there #and can’t wait to take woody when this whole doggy virus going around calms down 😔 #but anyway she saw that i was like fidgeting in my chair and ask wtf was wrong and i told her that i had a pimple on my ass cheek lol #and she was like how did it even get there like you take such good care of your skin?? #and i was like idk it just appeared there 😅 #and she was like - 🤨🤨 after your bday? #and i said like yeahhhh? #at this point i already knew she was onto me lol and we both laughed and she asked what did my bf and i do for my bday #so i told her and now she won’t stop laughing at me #for context - here’s the tmi lol - but my bf used whipped cream on me for my bday and we cuddled for a bit #afterwards with the intention of going to shower but we ended up passing out all sticky 😭 #and i quickly took a full exfoliating shower in the morning when i realized but it was already too late and now i have a pimple on my ass 😭 #and it’s like more towards the inside of the cheek so it fkn hurts everytime i sit down #and i was so paranoid after that instead of putting one boric acid capsule into my pussy i put two just in case #bc i was so scared that i was gonna get and infection of something but it’s been 4 days now #and nothing’s happening so i think i’m good but yeah i told her and now she laughs everytime she sees me or remembers it 😭 #i don’t mind bc it’s her and i trust my mom and tell her everything but i never get into detail about my sex life #so the fact that THISSS is the one thing about it that i tell her it’s hilarious #so yeah and now whoever reads this monstrosity of tags knows too #and if you did read this then come here bc i’m giving you BIG WET KISSES and taking you out on a little picnic date 💓💓 #and we can wear matching outfits and feed eachother desserts🥺

[angst-is-love-angst-is-life]

Hmmm

I can’t help but think about how Flash season two would’ve gone if ‘Jay’ (Hunter) fell for Barry instead of Caitlin

#these are thoughts that I tend to push away #idk most hero x villain stuff just makes me uncomfortable #coldflash is the exception #ok scratch that #hero x villain with no redemption arc is what I don’t like #because then it’s usually one sided which leads into ‘nope’ tag territory #alright Tali that’s enough thoughts for the night #I’m too scared to look it up on Ao3 cause I bet someone’s done it #shit I have to actually tag now #the flash #cw the flash #barry allen #hunter zolomon #nope. #I’m not tagging them as a ship. #you can’t make me. #huh what would their ship name be tho #ok ok I’ll stop thinking for real this time #nighttime thoughts #my posts #also when I say ‘thought about’ I actually mean just thinking about it #I’m definitely not writing this #*the definitely is not sarcasm #lol it's funny to go back to these months later #I was STRUGGLING

[floral-hex]

Two hours. I got two hours of sleep. I’m so frustrated with myself.

Went to the ER. Everyone was very nice. They gave me an IV bag of fluids (I was dehydrated! Sad cactus!) and a little ativan (teeny dose), which was nice at the time! Just a little amount, but the (mostly) quiet room, fluids, and meds managed to relax me a lot. Could have fallen asleep if the bed was actually comfortable. Then they packed me up, gave me another little Ativan to take home for tonight, and said they’d contact my primary. Cool cool. Got some much needed food on the way home, then took the pill and got comfy. Again, smallest dosage they make, so no feeling too good. Managed to muscle past my anxiety to fall asleep, and… 2 hours. Woke up. Tried to go back to sleep. Too frustrated and anxious and I feel like crap. What should I do? Just eat a whole gummy and hope that knocks me out? For me, that feels like playing roulette. Could work, yeah. Could make me sleepy and pliable. Could also backfire and make me feel sick and extra anxious for another 5 or 6 hours. What do I do? Roll back up to the ER? “Hewwo, I woke up and I need more benzos 👉👈🥺” haha funny, but I’ve seriously been thinking about it 😑

God, I’m miserable. Been sitting outside on the porch for a bit. Not quite an hour. Needed to get out of the apartment, but tbh, nearly 4am outside isn’t doing much for me. I just feel alone. It wouldn’t help with sleeping, per se, but just someone, I dunno, hugging or holding me for a few minutes would honestly save me a little. What a mess. Oh yeah, and apparently my kidneys are going 👎👎👎 down. Bad meat. Not great test results. Not what I’m focusing on tonight. I’m a mess. Anyway, this was my update. Sorry for all the walls of text. Suppose this is mainly for me to look back on in the future, but can’t pretend it’s not at least a little validating to put this all out into the world and knowing that maybe one or two people read this and I didn’t suffer completely without recognition. Yeah…

#this is a lot of text #not really a casual read #ok ok… I can’t sit outside forever #gonna go back inside and I dunno make a hot chocolatey drink. grab some snacks #TRY to feel good even though I don’t #YES will probably get a little high #hoping that the combo of sugar. salt. and thc will give me the sleepy tools to just pass out for awhile #just a few more hours! please! #omg I was so pissed when I woke up and thought I’d slept for awhile but realized I hadn’t #’ what do you mean the last text I sent was only two hours ago? ‘ #seriously. I thought I fell asleep around 11 pm but it was closer to 1am. #stupid sexy ativan. messing with my sense of time #it really wasn’t that big of a dose! I was basically a little buzzed for an hour or so each time #but the doctor was nice and straightforward with me. I just dunno tho. I’m a big guy with a history of anxiety. .5mg is weaksauce #god I’m getting anxious just sitting here thinking about trying to sleep again #it’s feeding on itself. I’m trying to rationalize this but it’s just this feedback loop. #is this my life now? I’m outside. I feel so alone. I feel like I could die any moment. in a sword of Damocles way. it’s there and waiting. #ok sitting outside isn’t helping #after 4am and yes I see cars driving by. I hear the occasional siren. but I still feel alone in the world #please tell me life goes on? please tell me we’re not really at the end here. #I always feel like I’m staring at our final days. that we’re all barely here. fucking ghost planet. waiting to die. #there’s war and hate and everything is expensive and I can’t.. I’m not a part of this world. I’m too poor and sickly and so it all seems… #like we’re on our last leg. like the final days of a fire sale. this body feels fit for the grave. this world is the grave. #I’m scared #ok like I said sitting out here isn’t helping. Ian. please stop. #yes. yes. ok. snacks and drinks and distracting tv. let’s try this again. #sorry this is a lot #I spent the last 20 minutes writing these tags and getting progressively more anxious 😬 #you can ignore this #text

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately #like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad #i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic #and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me #the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic #let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything #like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing #i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard #the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know #with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things #n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case #it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has. #the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others #this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate #its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences #its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control #ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship #we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people #so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there #ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere

[e77y]

Long but relatively unserious vent/rant below the cut (sorry I added this in bc I realized how long this post is oops)

Being at the center of some kind of internet witchhunt (which ik is kind of buzzwordy but) is literally my biggest fear ohhh my god. Even a small scale one… I think I would Die. Maybe it’s because I had a similar thing happen with my friend group in high school where one of them convinced the others I was like evil and spread all these rumors about me… 😭 He was splitting on me but still. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it basically confirmed all of my intrusive thoughts about myself, and my personality completely self-destructed and changed, and I haven’t interacted with any of those people the same way since. I isolated from them for MONTHS and just loathed myself. Bleh

The reason it’s on my mind is bc I’ve seen this happen to friends and mutuals and even just people I’ve followed in small fandoms, where the whole fandom hates them bc of this little drama and like. I KNOW that fandom drama is not the end of the world, but truly I think that would destroy me for months. And I would never be able to set foot in those spaces again :’) Getting a handful of rude comments about a fucking transfem hc I had at like 14 made me stop writing fanfic for YEARS 😭😭😭 sigh. Just bc they said it was ‘out of character for him to want to be a girl’ 🙄 (<- character who canonically felt confident when dressed as a woman btw. initially for a disguise but then she grew to love it. BUT I DIGRESS KNSHFJW)

All this to say I think that’s why I tiptoe around everything I say online… I am SO scared of ruffling feathers, but I know that fandoms are places for like! Having fun! And it’s not a big deal! And it doesn’t affect my real life! But like idk.. I just hate the idea of being hated by anyone. I’m sure that I ANNOY some people, and that’s whatever; I talk a lot and make overly personal posts sometimes (like this lol) but I don’t wanna be HATED yk? And idek if it’s better to be hated and ostracized publicly or resented in secret by people who still interact with you… :( Agh. If you ever have an issue with me, please DM me instead of letting it build up into something worse!

ANYWAY LIKE.. with fandom stuff. Idk. I want to have fun! I want to write and post things on Tumblr and AO3 etc but I am just very scared of peoples’ opinions, especially now that I have a decently popular/well-liked longfic in DnDads. For some reason I have convinced myself that writing bad or self-indulgent NSFW will make everyone hate me lmao. Like girl the POINT of fanfic is to be self-indulgent……….. sigh I need to get out more

^ light-hearted… but also kinda true haha. I stay at home a lot just bc I don’t have many reasons to go out atm and only a handful of close friends to go out with. Hopefully that will change when I move next semester lol. And whenever I get interests, they’re VERY strong and long-lasting, and fanfic writing is one of my main hobbies, so I get REALLY into online communities. And rn that is kind of my little niche fandom Tumblr bubble… which is embarrassing and probably unhealthy but whatever. I just inevitably get a lot of anxiety about things that are important/fun to me (bc OCD), especially bc I’ve never really had mutuals/‘friends’ in a fandom before this, excluding my irls

Anyway this got longer and more vent-y than I intended so I will tag accordingly, and sorry to whoever is reading this lol; I just wanted to get my thoughts written down in a public forum bc idk… Makes me feel less insane when ik other people can see it, too. Helps me not take it too seriously and spiral lol.

#vent #cw vent #rant #delete later #<- like tomorrow morning I’m shre #usually I delete stuff like this immediately but I’ll try to keep it up #was talking to my mom earlier about OCD and intrusive thoughts and whatnot…. #she definitely has it too. like undoubtedly #her intrusive thoughts and compulsions sounded exactly like mine #which sucks for me bc my dad ALSO definitely has OCD (in a more outwardly recognizable way) so! wahoo! double whammy #just feeling kinda defeated about mental health stuff #I feel like it’s never gonna get better #I need to go to therapy or a psychiatrist or SOMETHING #it’s been like 4 years now since I was originally supposed to go lol #and I keep putting it off out of fear (I think) #my friends (irls) have all been getting diagnoses and prescriptions lately #which is exciting for them but :( idk. I feel like there’s no way to medicate whatever I’ve got going on except SSRIs???? #and I don’t really want that #mostly though I’m just scared of going back to therapy or to a psychiatrist bc I think they’ll think I’m lying or crazy or whatever #which sounds stupid when I write it out but idk #I should probably keep a journal but when I’m only writing for my own eyes I just kinda wallow in it and write concerning poetry lol #I like journaling in a way other people can see (even if y’all DON’T like seeing it lmaoooo) bc it makes it feel more real? #and out of my head.. concrete etc. #wackyposting #<- seriously need to change that tag still lol

[aroace-poly-show]

BTW I'm sorry if this is not OK but. Would it be OK for you to add your pronouns to your pinned post? Or bio? Bc iirc you're going by he/it but keep worrying if it changed or if I'm misremembering something and I don't want to accidentally mess up

listen i would but i have like. really irrational paranoia abt it fbwkdnaknsqk if you ever can’t remember they/them is fine for me!!! it’s not like. my favorite. but it’s perfectly fine he/it is just what i prefer a bit more :] sorry!!

#like in my brain i have to prepare for When my parents find out abt my tumblr and look through it #it’s not an If in my brain it’s a When. and so i already do a lot of stuff as damage control?? so when it is found. like the Bad Stuff isn’ #easy to find #and like while i’ve been outed before. given that i use it/it’s as well now which is like a “weird” pronoun to a lot of people #and i dont. want my mom talking to me about. how i “want to be referred to as an object or not human” or something. #i would add tjem but i had a paranoia fit a while ago and i took them out of the main pinned and i’ve been too scared to add tjem back fken #like in theory it’s. Fine. it’s not like it’d make it that much worse. but paranoia doesn’t like to listen to logic kfnwkdnwks #i’m just rambling in tags now cosbidnwkdkak

[lovebloods]

.

#hiding this in the tags bc it’s kind of embarrassing and i need to get it off my chest #and i could journal about it but i just want someone to see me #sorry for being cringe <333 #but i don’t know what the hell i am like i don’t know if i’m even nonbinary anymore and that scares me like being nonbinary felt like coming #home after a long trip #and now i’m having all these thoughts about wanting to be a man? like near tears rn bc i want to be a guy but then when i think of actually #being a guy i freak out a bit #bc i like being seen as feminine too and i know that there are feminine men and they get treated so terribly #and i feel like all the men i see that i want to be like or look like are white! why don’t i see any black trans men like i feel so alone #and i’m scared to look/be openly trans bc there’s so much violence against people like us that it feels safer to just cosplay as a cis woman #even though i’m not #like i don’t want to be a boy but i want to be one and i absolutely don’t want to be a girl but i’d like to be seen as someone sometimes #it’s all very confusing #AND like i know i’m biromantic like im attracted to all genders and people #but im like? am i on the ace spectrum #bc i have a low sex drive am often sex repulsed and will sometimes ‘test’ #myself to see if im sexually attracted to people and most of the time it’s like #it’s like meh not really but sometimes im like sure but that’s rarer and rarer these days?? and like. tmi here but i jerk off and enjoy it #so i can’t be asexual right?? i tried looking it up but the articles just confused me #but then i also am like with the right person if i had a connection to them i wouldn’t mind having sex with them! but like. then i think #about actually having to be in a relationship and i’m like gross no but i think that’s just relationship trauma and fear of being #vulnerable #and like i know i don’t HAVE to have a label on my gender or sexuality but for me personally it helps to know What i am #and and i love butches so so so much and if i’m a man how can i love butches? like #it’s all so confusing #i feel like i’m 14 and going through puberty again

[snigora]

I would give anything for a friendship group like they have in Heartstopper

#they respect and listen to each other #call out each other’s bullshit #and love so forcefully #sometimes it feels like my friends are scared of being earnest #which is fair #I’m scared of being earnest too #but not when it comes to friendships #i want friends who say I love you periodically #or who share their thoughts with me #no matter how trivial #friends who I can vent and complain to #but who also lovingly call me out when I’m doing something stupid #I’m part of the club that has plenty of friends but I’m no one’s first choice #my sister is almost always my go to #but now it feels like she doesn’t have time for me #or I’m being too clingy and she’s finding me annoying #i just want a friendship where I don’t have to second guess everything I say #Heartstopper #if my sister sees this which she won’t I doubt she’ll read the tags #and if she does #sorry

[me-a-mess-morelikelythanyouthink]

sometimes I’m scared that other people only think my outfits eat when they emphasize my waistline and make me look skinny and not when it’s an outfit that I put a lot of care into because it’s another form of expression for me

#silv's back on her bs #like I know I probably sound like ‘boohoo it must be so hard for other people to think you’re skinny’ but I just mean that like. #I’m really proud of the outfits I put together #I like my style and I like how I’ve spent the last couple years exploring with it and letting it be another extension of myself #and I’ve created a (very small) rep around having cool outfits #but the other day someone complimented my outfit and don’t get me wrong I felt nice that day #but it was literally just low rise sweatpants and a cropped tee (ie heavens forbid I had skin showing and my stomach was out) #like was it cute? sure but it definitely wasn’t an Outfit #and I got a lot more compliments because on it then I do on a normal basis #and idk. I wasn’t the biggest fan of that #and I’m scared that I’m also starting to use it as a crutch when I’m putting clothes on before I leave #like the other day I was putting an outfit together and instead of reaching for something that I think is really cool and being creative #I was genuinely met with a wave of like ‘okay but how attractive am I gonna be if I wear this’ or ‘would other ppl think I look good’ #which is FUCKED #because I LOVE clothes!!!! I LOVE dressing up!!!! and I KNOW that I don’t need to look good for others that beauty and style doesn’t #have to be conventional that there’s so many cool things that lie outside that framework. And I used to be outside of that framework too #but UGH I hate that everyone else’s opinions on MY body are starting to get to me #anyways i feel like this should have a cw but idk what to add #ask to tag #ig(?)

[killuaisaprincess]

reminder GONKI IS MORE CANON 😤😏 so anytime some kg person tries to send hate at you remember it’s just cuz they’re big mad Gonki more canon eheheh 😘🤭

#IS WHY I WONT LET ANY LOSER GET ME DOWN 😤 #I KNOW ITS JUST CUZ THEY ARE BIG MAD THE DIRECTOR CALLED KI WIFE AND KIS VA TAGS STUFF GONKI EHEHEH 😘🥰 #Naturally sadly on the west side there’s wayyyy more kg people so I don’t mean alll of them obvi but please #on twitter- I mean x #I am like the sole person in the English gonkillu tag mostly #And these kg fans got big mad when there was dare an artist in there for a while who was popular and used gonki tag #LIKE HOW DARE THEY LOL #Losers got so mad over a tag that has hardly anything in it #SO DONT LET ANY OF THEM DRAG YOU DOWN #Most the time they’re hypocrites and losers #AND I WONT LET ANY OF THEM EVER STOP ME #🤧😤🥰 #Honestly they’re free to hate it like I hate kg but the fact they go to bully an artist the moment they dare to use the gonki tag is not #Acceptable #That tag isn’t there for you #Its for us few #ANYWAY ILL ALWAYS STAND MY GROUND FOR THE GONKIS #And trust me this is no lie I’ve been harassed ive seen people leave that were gonkis I have even had friends! #open gonki people tell me they are scared to post #LIKE WHAT YOU WANNA BUT LEAVE US ALONE #And no none of them can use the excuse of “heteronormative” or whatever else they want to get away with bullying #ESP NOT WHEN THEY WILL TURN AROUND AND DO THE SAME TROPES WITH THEIR VER LOL do what you want but do not be a hypocrite to send threats #Its all fiction there’s no need to play purity police god will def let you up into heaven cuz you told me to kill myself for #Having Ki in a dress #NOT LOL! TOO BAD 😤 AND KI IS A PRETTY PRINCESS WHO DESERVES DRESSES 😤 PERIOD #I’m sure there’s been a few rotten gk people I don’t accept them as my kin either but from the few of us I do know #We’re never gone to the kg tags or go to those people’s posts and fics LIKE WHY WOULD I EVEN WANNA SEE STUFF I HATE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE #AND YES I HAVE TWO FOLLOWERS AND NO I HAVE NO ISSUE SPEAKING OUT ESP WHEN PEOPLE I KNOW GET HARASSED SPECIFICALLY BY A KG PERSON #I WILL GIVE US A PEP TALK 😤 ITS JUST CUZ THEY ARE BIG MAD YOU KEEP DOING YOU GONKI IS CANON 😤

[crossbackpoke-check]

15 questions + 15 friends (tagged by my beloveds @whitenikes & @acheronist 🥰💕 thank you thank you!!)

1. Are you named after anyone?

technically yes… i’m named after a character in a book but my mom has never been able to remember what book 🫡

2. When was the last time you cried?

i don’t usually log frequent crier miles but i definitely cried in december (??) watching the music video for “amelia” for a variety of reasons

3. Do you have kids?

nope! i do refer to my students as my kids sometimes on accident and have freaked out more than one person by saying “my kids” lmao

4. What sports do you play/have played?

currently i play rugby, although i grew up playing a lot of sports—i did volleyball, basketball, track, and danced competitively (which is probably the sport i miss the most)

5. Do you use sarcasm?

me? using sarcasm? never :) here i usually don’t because it doesn’t come across the same over text and irl it’s usually just with people i’m comfortable with and know will get it

6. What is the first thing you notice about someone?

oooo outfit maybe? voice? context dependent for sure

7. What’s your eye color?

legally, hazel. illegally, whatever color the nearest person to me says that they are at the time

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings :)

9. Any talents?

(insert the quinn hughes 😬 on the bench reaction meme please i’m trying ok!!)

i can bake pretty decently! athletic if that’s a talent? i would love to learn how to do more artsy things (got a crochet kit & paint with watercolor sometimes)

10. Where were you born?

michigan 🧤<- not a mitten but i’d show you where i’m from on it if i could

11. What are your hobbies?

reading, although i never have as much time to read as i want to (send me book recs please)… i count sports as a hobby and i just got a really pretty new puzzle! also, obviously, hockey.

12. Do you have any pets?

yes!!! i have a canary and a society finch (orville and duncan), a hypo corn snake (apollo! he has hearts on his head!), and two cats (john watson and effie). in the future i’d love to have a dog again, since i just lost him this past summer

13. How tall are you?

moritz seider (5’3”)

14. Favorite subject in school?

real hot girls speak german 💅 it’s either that or biology but i feel like that’s little bit of a cop out

15. Dream job?

re: the cop out above, dream job is working as a veterinarian for a zoo! so it makes sense i love biology lol

tagging @songsandswords @kj-op @hiding-from-reality-56 @catboy-mahura and anyone else who’d like to and hasn’t done it already!!

#liv in the replies #i don’t always do tag games because i am Shy but i am going to Make An Effort y’all i promise #assorted random comments: #the amount of googling i have done to try and figure out what book i was named after so i could read it… it’s a curse #you can have it in the tags because i didn’t want to put it in text but i am a SAP i will cry about/to medias a lot easier than my life #and generally i really only cry when i’m hormonal l m a o wish it weren’t so #i am a great lakes girlie now & forever midwest kids are doing alright. can’t imagine living somewhere w/o lakes although the ocean’d be ok #i did however make it a goal to read a book every day that i was on break and we did that!!! my other goal did not get accomplished #(finish a fic) because i was like oh i’ll have so much time!!! and then bam i worked like. 40h weeks lmao. every time :)))) #hopefully today i’ll write though if i get everything figured out for [redacted] and i keep forgetting i still have tomorrow too #the most important part about my pets is that orville & duncan (birds) are questionably gay for each other :) &are EXACTLY like their names #me vs my anxiety that i am Bothering People when i tag them: FIGHT #please know if i didn’t tag you but you would’ve done this i love you with my entire heart i just got scared i would be bothering you 💕 #but also like. tell me so i can tag you next time without fear because i love learning about my mutuals 🥺 y’all are the coolest #tag game

[fleshdyke]

ahsgsjaugejwjg

#sh/sui warning for tags #been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/ #which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk #idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me #and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything #but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time. #like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down #to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk #and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me #and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk. #and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt #one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around #the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a #second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk #i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to #and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared. #idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily. #i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of #thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk. #ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they #kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit #it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to #bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed #and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it #personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was #suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better #rambles #vent

[persephonaae]

Hrm

#so like…… uh #I always feel scared? to post content I make be it fanart or cosplays of lore olympus anymore to tumblr bc like ppl bash it so much lately #when rlly it’s like super a matter of people conflating ‘media I just personally don’t like and am not into’ to being ‘problematic’ #I’ve heard every reason why people think it’s evil but like. just say you don’t like the romance genre… #it’s just supposed to be a cute and fun romance novel in webcomic format #like every claim against it on why it’s ‘evil bad’ I can refute (obviously like not just little personal ‘I don’t like this thing’ but like #@ the people who get so heated over it) #I say this also as a Greek person who has literally done a lil bit of acedemic university level research on the Homeric hymn to demeter #the comic isn’t trying to be an ~aCcUrAtE iNtErPrEtAtiOn~ it’s trying to be a romance story riffing off the concept #(not to mention people blatantly misunderstanding LO!Persephone as a character #like to the point where they’re literally just being ironic since she’s so misunderstood by a lot of people in the comic too) #(like just say you hate height differences also. as someone who is short and looks younger than I am like these people r literally just sayi #saying things that make me feel like oh so then I should never be in love bc even though I’m an adult I might not look old enough to have a #parter who’s even the same age as me bc that’s the same thing as a child w an adult. which is like. that’s already something I have always #struggled with and internalized and been paranoid about and unfortunately since I track various mythology tags I constantly get stuff like #that spewed at me and hooo boy does it make me feel inadequate #not to mention the fact that now in the comic Persephone is literally thirty years old bc there was a time skip #I get it this might not be your favorite interpretation of Demeter but it works for the context of this story #it’s not trying to be the ~canon~ Demeter. it’s trying to be functional to the story lo is telling #anywho…. nyall just let me have my silly little romance story…. not everything has to be a fight over problematic or not…. #just let me have a silly little romance story to sigh about pls….

[icterid-rubus]

I left a huge rant in my drafts about what a horrible go of it I had lately and how terrible my mental health is, but it’s made me realize something kind of startling that’s freaked me out. I’ve stopped eating unless it’s something I’ve contributed to financially or with labor because I’m so stressed about cash.

When I went east to stay with family and help them move, I would only eat peanut butter and bread unless we had dinner together, and then I would only have one serving. My uncle felt disappointed I didn’t ever drink with them, and I explained I wanted to be a sober driver, which was true, but more than that I simply didn’t want to run up anyones tab or drink their expensive beverages, so I only had water.

And I’ve been doing that at home ever since I lost my job. Normally, I don’t eat anything except the dinner I cook for everyone. Now during quarantine I turn down offers of food and have been eating airplane snacks I stashed in my bag.

Which is all so stupid to do when I’m lucky to have a safety net such as this that is offering to feed and house me. A lot of people don’t have that. But I can’t do it. I feel sick to do it.

#i was so light headed at my cousins when lifting and moving furniture. i thought it was because I was out of shape #and I knew my eating habits were odd. I’m usually not that hungry in the morning anyway. #but quarantine made me realize what I’ve been doing. i can’t cook everyone dinner so I’m not eating #i can’t pay for groceries and can’t cook therefore I don’t deserve to partake. #which is such a sick way of thinking #i did this when I visited my brother too. he actually confront me that i wasn’t eating enough and it scared him. I told him I wasn’t hungry #during the day and only needed to eat the dinner i cooked him. but that was a lie. i was really hungry. #it never stuck me as disordered eating because I’m fat and don’t think I need to be skinny. maybe that’s why I have vitamin deficiencies. #i dont know how to stop unless I get a job #food mention #disordered eating #ask to tag #just having a rough five years.