#my best friend is going to the psych ward and idk what i’m gonna do until then obviously i want him to get better

[glitterock]

x

#my best friend is going to the psych ward and idk what i’m gonna do until then obviously i want him to get better #and he’s really been through it like he needs this #but i’ll miss him so much :(

[evilsnievil]

So after a terrible breakup from a 10 month relationship with my first ever love that occurred 3 months ago which led to my alcoholic era which ended in me almost deleting myself from alcohol poisoning and almost getting sent to the psych ward like month ago i am finally moving on (i am still deeply traumatized from the breakup and almost dying as well) and in a unforeseen turn of events I think my best friend and I are going to fuck sometime in the next few days.

I met this son of a bitch at the beginning of the school year and we have been through the depths of hell together like we’ve become so close emotionally I’ve never been so vulnerable and comfortable with someone irl and he reciprocates like I’ve been there for him through some tough shit and we just get each other we’re like this 🤞

So when this bitch asked me to call him a slut i swear to god almighty it awakened something within me like y’all don’t get it i was just minding my goddamn business and now for the past like 3 days like i don’t even know I am seeing a new side of this dude this boy wrapped himself around my finger talkin about some “I’ll be your slut” and “I’ll do anything for you” ETC. and good god shit is going straight to my head i feel so powerful it’s so fucking hot.

Anyway i was thinking like ykw fuck it what better way to lose my virginity than to this lovely beautiful good boy who knows about my daddy issues and is the closest relationship I’ve ever had in my life like I’m either very wrong or very right and he’s making it very hard to find the downsides yall dont wanna know how horny ive been everyday every hour since thursday.

With that being said tho I’m very anxious rn idk if it’s because I need to go to sleep (it’s probably because I need to go to sleep) but I’m overthinking this sm and I blame my ex for bringing my hopes up that maybe I’m not unlovable and unattractive and then crushing that shred of confidence and self esteem like a bug which was really fucked up so now I’m just like what if this is a joke what if I’m humiliating myself and being laughed at rn like why would anyone love me let alone want to have sex with me and that’s like really weighing on my soul and Im feeling a huge sense of dread rn and I don’t know what to do.

In my brain I think I’m like subconsciously putting a disconnect between my best friend and the person who wants to have sex with me so like I think the right thing to do is have like one of those semi serious conversations with him and just be open about how fucking insecure I am and I know his angelic self is gonna give me that reassurance that I very badly need to hear and yeah imma probably do that before we maybe have sex and there’s nothing to be scared of I know my best friend is a good and understanding person I just need to hear it from him that things are chill or smth idk

[nightbwoy]

I’m sorry to any of my friends who follow me and see these posts. I’m not really on social media at the moment and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don’t really know where else to get this shit out.

I know I’m bad. I know Im problematic and I can be controlling. But I’ve worked SO HARD to improve those behaviors be a better person. Bpd sucks so fucking bad and I know mental illness is no excuse for negative behaviors. Since covid I let myself fall back into letting my insecurity and invasive thoughts control me. Everything feels so intense and painful all the time and I’ve been so scared of losing the most important person in my life that I lost sight of the connection we share and her feelings.

Maybe I deserve to lose. I don’t know. She never stopped telling me she wants me and wants to be with me. We still talked like we were dating. We still had sexual interactions very recently and she always told me I’m the only one she ever wants. Even after all of this she still tells me that she prefers me and would rather be with me if I could move there??? It’s so fucking confusing and painful and I can’t eat without getting so nauseous that I’m hardly eating anything. Im constantly sobbing and I don’t think it’s going to get better. I’m losing the one person I thought truly cherished me and would never give up on me.

How can I be simultaneously too much and not enough at the same time. I feel like my entire life has been nothing but losses and now I’m suffering the biggest loss I’ve ever experienced and there’s just nothing I can do but beg for another chance.

I’ll probably delete this. Idk if anyone even looks at my blog or tumblr or gives a shit anyway. All I know right now is she and I have something sacred and amazing and beautiful and I’m just lost. I was already dealing with really bad suicidal ideation on a fairly regular basis when my bipolar fluctuated toward depression. And no I don’t mean this as “omg I’m going to kill myself if you leave me.” I have been FIGHTING those feelings with everything I have in me and trying to love my life for what it is, and to appreciate my friends and my time on this planet. And I’m so scared that it’s going to be impossible. Maybe I need to consider being hospitalized again if this all goes to shit. I probably would have hospitalized myself sometime in the last year if I wasn’t so scared of getting sick in the horribly run psych wards in Charlotte. I don’t even know if they’ll let me have my infusion meds to keep my immune system working while I’m in there. I’ve felt more stable this last month which is why I’ve been streaming again but I’m just so fucked up now.

I wish I felt like someone was on my side. I feel like I could disappear off the face of the planet and a few people might be sad at first, but then they would just forget me like I was never even there. My heart is so heavy and tight nonstop and it hurts so fucking bad. Everything hurts and is so overwhelming.

All I know for sure is that I love her so much and I will work so fucking hard to be myself again and focus on what’s important and giving her the best version of myself I possibly can if she gives me another chance. Maybe I’m just a selfish asshole for standing in the way of something that could give her a little happiness. It just feels like I’m gonna lose her forever. And I don’t know if I can ever come back from that

[theyreonlynoodlesmike]

ok but what if: tommy angst where reader is the one possessed?? like they are dating and tommy has to kill them(or they kill him idk) and it's just. The Big Sad™️ I think it would be a good opportunity to write in his pov and maybe headcanon some things that go on in his life (cause obvi he got shit goin on since he a shadysider)

also: so glad to see you are back and I hope school is going good! I manifest good grades & positive vibes for you💓

"Hi! Do you mind doing a request about Tommy slater and reader where the reader and Tommy are together, and they both go with Alice and Arnie and finds readers name on the wall. Plz and thank you!" -anon

Thank you so much btw!!! Hope you enjoy!!

Carved in Stone (Tommy Slater x Possessed!Reader)

Warnings: character death, angst, blood mention, blood description, violence/gore, some sad shit supreme, light headcanons about Tommy's life, acceptance of death

Word Count: 1.3k

One way or another, you’re going to die tonight.

That’s what Nurse Lane had said before she came at you with a knife. It was one of the things that kept swirling in your mind, one of the whispered voices. Just those words were creepy enough, and it was no wonder they kept sticking in your mind. You thought maybe it was because you’d hit your head that the other voices came, that maybe you should’ve taken up the officers offer to go to the hospital. But, ending up in the same psych ward they were probably sending Nurse Lane? No, thank you. So, you’d decided to stay at camp. And, now, you were being dragged through the woods by your friends and your boyfriend. Yeah, perfect.

You swatted at the fly buzzing around you as you found a place to sit in the creepy hole Alice had found. Your head hurt, and you rubbed at your forehead absently before you felt a hand on your shoulder.

“You okay?” Tommy asked, and you gave him a nod. You attempted a smile, but you were sure it came off as more of a grimace. Even in the dark, you could see the worry in Tommy’s eyes as he said, “We can head back-” But you waved your hand, shook your head.

“No, no- I’m just gonna sit for a bit.” You told him, and both of your heads turned when you heard Alice and Arnie let out an excited sound. It seemed like they’d found something. “Go ahead.” You told him and waved him towards the hole in the wall, and Tommy, your sweet Tommy, hesitated for a moment before he gave you a nod and went to follow them into the room they found.

You watched his retreating figure, before you slapped your arm, killing the fly that landed on it.

***

"Alice, this- this isn't funny. They're gonna freak if they see this." Tommy said, exasperation edging his tone. As much as he wanted to come down here and find the witch, he wasn't trying to get in trouble with you.

You already weren't having a good time. You'd hit your head when Nurse Lane had attacked you, and you seemed to barely be trudging along with them. Arnie had even gone to check on you. But, you were being a good sport and Tommy didn't want to reward that with your name carved in some creepy wall.

"Uh, dumbass, do you think I carved their name into solid stone with my fingernails?" She asked, and Tommy furrowed his brow at her, then looked at the name. If Alice hadn't written your name then...

Tommy stared at you as you turned around. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He'd called your name, watched you approach one of your friends with a- He could barely even process it as he yelled when you swung. You'd just- you'd just axed Arnie in the face.

And your face was covered in his blood as your eyes met his. They were cold and hard, not a thing like the looks you gave him. You looked like you, but this- This wasn't you. Alice was already screaming besides him, and Tommy could hear himself screaming,

"Fuck! Go, go, go," It was a blur as he moved, but he was pushing Alice back into the room they found. The only thing he could think to do was get him and Alice as far away from you as possible.

They climbed through the hole, and they looked around. They were trapped. It was stone all around, with only a little bookshelf, an altar, next to one of the walls.

"What do we do?" Alice screamed, and Tommy looked to her. His first instinct had been to run, but now? He glanced back to the hole, to where you were ducking into the room. There was only one option as to what they needed to do, even if Tommy didn't want to do it.

"Babe, it's me." He started. He didn't know where he was going, what he was going to say. He tried to hold out his hands, to calm you down, but he watched how your grip changed. "It's me!" He yelled.

His memory flashed back for a moment, to all his baseball practices. To the times where you came to his games, to when he took you to the batting cages and showed you how to properly hold a bat. How to properly swing. He remembered the feeling of the hot sun on the back of his neck, the feeling of a ball in his hand. Winding up to send the pitch, and you- You getting ready to swing.

He pushed himself forward and grabbed the handle before you could finish winding up. Tommy pushed you back, knocking you back against the stone of the wall. He pushed you hard, using as much strength as he could manage. It was a split second thing, his own need for survival overshadowing any of his other concerns. They heard your head hit the stone of the wall, a sickening crack that tore right through whatever haze of adrenaline had consumed him.

It tore through him and sank in the pit of his stomach like a rock. He watched your eyes, the blankness in them, fade away. He watched you stumble, lose your grip for a moment, before you said,

"Tommy?" And then your knees buckled.

He caught you, and you were dead-weight in his arms. He reached to support the back of your head, and pulled it away when he felt something hot and wet. His hand glistened with your blood, and panic surged through him. His grip changed as you fell against him, and he sunk to his knees as he cradled you.

"No, no, no," He started, watching how your mouth fell open, how far off you looked. "Hey, hey! It's me, just focus on me. We're gonna- We're gonna get you some help-" Tommy hiccuped. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want his emotions to get the best of him. He'd just- He'd just been trying to stop you. He hadn't meant to push you that hard.

You were the best thing he had. His life was never-ending stress, a constant push towards neverending goals. College, jobs, whatever. The only good thing out of all of that was that, maybe, he'd get to start his family with you. That you'd be there with him. He didn't care if that was in Shadyside or any other town. As long as you were with him he thought, maybe, it'd be fine. Maybe it'd be worth all the work.

But, he watched as you looked up at him, an almost empty sort of smile crossing your face for a moment.

Distantly, you thought about what Nurse Lane said. One way or another, you're going to die tonight. You felt as if your head had been submerged underwater, like Tommy had pulled you up for you to catch a breath. You knew what you'd done, what the fog washing over you was trying to get you to do. And, you didn't want to.

If it had to end, you wanted it to end like this. So, you didn't fight. You didn't hold on. You looked up at Tommy, even as tears streamed down his face. You wanted to comfort him, but you couldn't bring yourself back to the surface. If you were going to drown whatever was inside of you, you had to drown with it.

Tommy watched as you fell unconscious, and, even as he carried you back and got you help, part of him knew- part of him knew that you weren't going to make it. It was a sinking feeling in his chest, heavy and solid. Like he'd swallowed stones, only for them to sit in his stomach. Your fate was like your name- carved in stone.

#tommy slater #fear street tommy slater #tommy slater fear street #fear street tommy #tommy fear street #fear street 1978 #fear street #tommy slater x reader #thomas slater #thomas slater x reader

[bots-and-cons]

Venting... again

I’m not doing so hot again. Idk if it’s just the seasonal depression kicking in or my normal depression coming back with a vengeance again. Whatever it is, I’m definitely not a fan.

I was at my mom’s this past weekend, and it really took a lot out of me. My youngest brother is a goddamn nightmare, I know I should just be patient with him and he’s only 4, but what the fuck... He hurts our mom if he doesn’t get what he wants in like two seconds, and he hit me a few times too. It doesn’t even really hurt, I just very much dislike that he feels like he can do that to get what he wants. My mom has a bad temper, and it came out a few times during the weekend too. She doesn’t really hurt my youngest siblings, she just yells, like really fucking loud. To be totally honest I considered calling CPS like three times during the weekend, but that’s more because I want my mom to get some help with my nightmare of a little brother, rather than I think she’s abusive. I grew up with her acting worse, so I kinda think my youngest siblings are getting off easy with her. Obviously not a good mindset, and I’m working on it, but it’s hard.

I’ve been trying to keep myself together for weeks now, but the last two nights I’ve been pretty much crying myself to sleep, because I feel like crap. I’ve been feeling like hurting myself again but the urges come so late at night, I can just be like like fuck it, and go to sleep to ignore them. Idk how long that will work, and I honestly don’t even really feel like staying clean anymore. I just hit a year clean of cutting and like year and two months from benzos, and I feel like I’ve achieved absolutely nothing. Like what the fuck does this get me? Less scars and no ER visits? I don’t really care about either of those. ER visits don’t cost jack here in Finland and I don’t mind the scars. I just want a little bit of peace and silence in my head. But on the other hand I kinda want to make this the first year in the last four years that I don’t end up in a psych ward so, decision, decisions...

I feel like my best friend is kinda using me for money currently, because she keeps asking multiple times a week. I know she’s broke and so are her parents, and I want to help, but I’m running on fumes with my own bank account so I can’t really help. I feel like she keeps taking advantage of me being bad at saying no. That kinda sucks, not gonna lie.

I hope y’all are doing better than me, and I wish you all a very good rest of the week. I’ll try to get some more content out, but I can’t really promise anything. I’m gonna go to sleep soon, since it’s getting sorta late. I don’t really feel like talking about this with anyone, I just wanted to vent, and I have a meeting with my counsellor tomorrow anyway.

#ony speaks #selfharm tw #abuse tw #depression

[my-reality-my-rules]

Hey friend, I also tried to tell my parents about shifting and they threatened to put me in the psych ward if I didn’t stop talking about it 🧍🏾.

But it’s okay because when I got a taste of shifting, it was worth the looks and threats.

not the psych ward-

no but this is actually very similar to what happened to me.

initially, i just wanted to see how they’d react. i tried letting them know through annoying and unsubtle clues. bits of gen z humour here and there that they wouldn’t understand, which i did exactly because they wouldn’t. eventually my sister caught on (but she doesn’t really know what it is) and thinks it’s a fun hobby thing i do. you’d have heard me saying things like, “I’m gonna shift tonight, R.I.P. this reality ayeee” or “Now reality can be whatever I want”. and honestly, things were quite funny at first because no one really knew what was going on, not even my brother (who’s usually updated on most things, but we’re not close, so). and me, being someone who likes causing chaos every now and then, enjoyed every bit of that confusion.

it only went to shit when my entire family found out about shifting. like . everyone. including extended family members. i don’t know how it spiralled but i mean—not that I’d expect anything less from a tight-knit family of blabbermouths but ffs-

literally one member’s business immediately becomes yours and another’s in this household and there is no privacy at all. so when one day my mom had enough of my shit and actually decided to look up what shifting was,,, well. you can guess what happened next. long story short, she confronted me about it and thought i was finally going mad. it’s gotten to the point where she actually even contacted one of her friends from school (who’s a psychologist) and considered getting me a session. i know they mean well, and considering I’ve had experiences like this before (back during gradeschool and middleschool), i know the concern is genuine. it can actually get serious. but things have gotten slightly out of hand.

the topic of shifting has become something foul in my household simply because of that. dealing with the situation itself tires me out because there’s a lot of expectations put on me. i haven’t shared this before, but here’s a little tidbit about my home life: being the eldest child and eldest grandchild is fucking exhausting. achievements feel forced and obligatory, and errors are met with either smugness or disgruntlement. it’s always about leading and setting examples.

it’s just so annoying when everyone else gets in on it. i understand that things can actually be fun if it had been a little friendly rivalry going on between cousins, but the extent that it reaches in my family?? haha...no. everyone thinks shifting is another internet-induced obsession that i have—which, okay, fair—but they’re treating me as if I’m about to break out and do rituals. they’re treating me as if I’m a fucking alien and it used to hurt but now it’s just so fucking iRritating-

the only other saving grace i can think of right now is the fact that my uncle (who’s also my godfather) is taking all this information in stride—and the best part is that he actually kind of understands. idk but i really vibe with this man, and it’s not just because of that easy acceptance. we also do share some similarities, as people, and i think it helped us bond. the resemblance between us is what really does it because i see myself in him and it becomes easier knowing there’s another person like me out there, even if our issues vary.

he’s actually really chill with shifting. i asked for his opinion on it, showed him some posts from amino and tiktok. he’s definitely intrigued, even if distant. I'm just happy there's someone else in this household that doesn't hold shifting against me.

#reality shifting #shifting realities #shifting #desired reality #shifter problems #rant post #Esther's shifting posts

[drivemysoul]

Idk how much help this will be because I'm from the US, but I stayed in a psych ward at a hospital about a month ago after a s/icide attempt. They didn't allow me to have my phone and I had to wear scrubs, but it was pretty nice. It was basically school for how to better your mental health. We did group therapy, they taught me on stuff like sleepy hygiene and exercising, the nurses and kids there were nice too. I don't know about the piercing thing, but I don't think they'll let you have them because you can hurt yourself with them. Since you're a minor, you're probably gonna be with other kids your age. Stay strong, Taylor. You're defiently not the only one going through something like this, and you'll be okay.

i’m really really really sorry about that. i hope you’re doing at least a little better. i’m here if you need someone to talk or vent to 🖤

from what i can tell i’d be allowed my phone but it would be monitored and they can take it away if they see it as a risk. as for the piercings i’ll call beforehand and ask about the specific ward’s policy, honestly if i have to take them out im going to reconsider it - these mean so much to me (quite literally more than life itself) and i don’t want to have to redo them and lose the value

i had a friend stay at the one i’m considering and they said it was nice and the people there were kind and helpful, so i’m hoping this works out for the best. i really want to get better. i need to be here for mistletoe

and i hope you’re doing okay today, i’m glad you’re here

#anonymous #thrown out speeches*

[quercus-queer]

A Slice of a Normal Life au

Grace and Simon Edition... this ones long lmao:

They met at a train station as little kids and didn’t see each other again until high school

High school was rough for both of them and was really shitty in general so i’ll just leave that up to you but i’m starting with college

Grace ends up going to Juilliard and Simon feels betrayed because they were supposed to stick together no matter what 

Plus Grace lied about it and put off confronting the issue until right before she left but Simon already felt something was up and his abandonment issues and other problems pop off so he distanced himself from her and started being a dick (sorry they’re still codependent and problematic at this point) until Grace goes off on him

She leaves and Simon has a breakdown and ends up in a psych ward but he does finally get some actual help and diagnosis (the high school counselor was trash), he never reaches back out to Grace and skips town afterwards which really impacts Grace and she’s just like... bro... do i need therapy too? 

And then she actually seeks out a therapist with the intent to get better and does! She has pretty great time in college and makes actual friends in her dance program and ends up getting a girlfriend at some point... it was a long and pretty healthy relationship but ended on kinda bad terms, but she navigated her first relationship! Yay!

Simon is a dumbass and got with this girl he met while he was institutionalized... it didn’t go well but it was a relationship... it was like a few months long... but yeah... she also tells him to get a grip lol

I also changed my mind Simon doesn’t live with Samantha in high school, he tracks her down after his breakdown since he’s a legal adult and can do whatever he wants and lives with her and Frank afterwards

Simon starts working in a bookstore The Apex (its called that because they live on a mountain and its in the downtown of the city thats at the peak of the mountain) and actually really likes it and Samantha and Frank are good parental figures and he goes to actual therapy

There’s a little reading club for kids at the bookstore which is comprised of the Apex kids that he is in charge of now because the owner has her hands full (her, Simon, and a high school girl are like the only workers there)

Simon also gets a boyfriend he actually manages to keep and its a pretty good relationship and ends on relatively good terms since Simon’s actually getting therapy and has a good life set-up now so yay! He managed an actual relationship!

Samantha and Frank live in a cabin on this mountainous city btw which has a popular resort that Samantha manages and Frank is a chef there... it’s a very popular resort... a very common place for a retreat...

Grace and her dance crew in college take a trip there and she sees Simon and nearly dies, no seriously she was walking and then slipped and hit her head

She ends up in the hospital and her friends (she has actual good friends now) are like Grace what the fuck just happened you’re not that clumsy?

But you know who is? Simon, who is at the same hospital because Lucy from the kids club who is also a clumsy disaster got a fucking pencil in her eye and he had to drive her to the hospital

He sees Grace and doesn’t know whether to laugh cry or say hi so he just stares at her blankly like the dumbass he is and then leaves

Anyway, this kicks off a 200k mall-rats slowburn that goes harder than Tulips and Mikayla’s 

Grace doesn’t see him again until the next night when he’s in the lobby and he actually goes up to her and they talk because he had time to process it, they awkwardly talk... mostly sit though, and then Grace’s friends call her over and Simon quickly offers for her to come over another day

Grace doesn’t know what to do and her friends ask her whats up and convince her to go, not alone obviously Jennifer is gonna go with her to make sure she doesn’t get murdered 

Its awkward again, there’s small talk between Samantha, Frank, Jennifer and the two idiots and they play card games until Frank decides to finish up dinner and Jen ditches Grace because Frank is the coolest mf on the planet so Grace and Simon are alone again

They just sit there until Simon asks about her dance program and college and then they talk about that until Grace mentions her therapist and Simon’s like??? and Grace is like whoops and then they eat dinner and Grace and Jen leave

Simon goes by the resort more often but they don’t rlly talk until Grace is about to leave and Simon just apologizes for everything and Grace says she’s sorry too and Simon just doesn’t know how to respond to that so he’s like if you ever want to come back here I’ll be here

Grace does not know how to respond to that so she’s just like uhhh okay bye

The dance team comes back the following year and she sees Simon again and he’s like “sorry for fucking you up” and Grace is like “don’t give yourself so much credit I already needed therapy unless you forgot about the fact I had counseling right after you?” “I try to block out everything from before 19 tbh” “fair enough... I suppose there wasn’t much to want to remember huh” “I’m... I remember telling you, you were the best person I ever met and I meant that” Grace doesn’t know how to respond to that and then they don’t talk for the rest of the trip, they just wave at each other and smile in passing

The dance troupe grace joins after college goes on annual trips to the resort so Grace and Simon continue to have three conversations each year plus Jennifer makes sure a visit to Samantha’s and Frank’s happens

the yearning... the pining... WHEW its a lot and Samantha, Frank, and Grace’s entire dance troupe, plus the family that always vacations at the same time are SICK of it

They don’t even become close friends again until their late twenties. 

The kids club thinks Grace is amazing and Kai bases their whole look off of her

Mall-rats officially happens in their thirties and they get married in their forties

when I say slowburn i meant it

Idk where to put this: 

Samantha lost custody of Simon as a kid because of a hoarding problem she still struggles with but Simon is an adult now and him and Frank help keep her in check

Simon was with Samantha from a couple weeks after entering foster care and most of middle school

Samantha and Frank are actually just roommates 

Grace is like “so Samantha and Frank...?” “They’re roommates” “Simon... is that what they told you?” “well yeah, but they’re seriously just roommates” “ummmm...” “Grace they’re both gay” “OH”

Simon works at the bookstore his whole life and he loves it, Grace is a professional dancer, they’re both happy

They look the same as in canon except Simon can shave and Grace gets be the fashion icon she deserves 

Simon still cant dress so most of the time he just wears different sweaters he’s been given and alternates between his three pairs of jeans

#infinity train #grace monroe #simon laurent #mall-rats #its the angsty slowburn for the ages baby #literally been burning since they were 10 #whose willing to write this slowburn I would but my writing is... not great #anyway bi legends mall-rats #Samantha the cat #is a lesbian #Frank the bear #is a bear

[cloudytamaki]

imma req a mha matchup because it seems fun and ily 😩🙏

I’m a Pisces and Gemini moon (Ik) and I’m ISFP

uh I’m skinny, 5’4 with black hair, blue eyes, and a Tim Burton ass look. Like I’m a dead girl walking. Queen Elizabeth has nothing on my ass. my likes are DAD JOKES bye they’re so funny, funky sweaters (i got a thrifted tee that said ‘vote Michelle for queen’ and idk who Michelle is but get it sis), playing episode for shits and giggles, and pancakes. Oh and fucking around on Yahoo answers (rip). My interests/hobbies are writing god awful shitty poetry and posting it on my emoboydepressddkid10 account, dance competitions which is BASICALLY child stripping but no one talks about it, hanging out with friends, and baking. My style is just idgaf central. the only thing I do is like a blurry eyeliner. Sometimes I go crazy and do a feline look. Wild shit. But yeah just like Air Force 1s, black skirt and some dad joke shirt. For my uh likes in a partner I’d say someone who’s fucking vibey, yk? Like I desperately want someone to steal a shopping cart with and explore abandoned buildings with. Committing crimes by yourself is boring. Someone who knows the universal snitches get stitches policy cause again live laugh commit arson. What I wouldn’t like in a partner is probably if they have a huge stick up their entire ass. Just like whole tree. A fine example is if I shared a Prince Phillip joke with you and you went “it’s not funny he died 😐” i hate you. like mf was a huge racist wdym? uh and also someone who will put effort in. like if we’re in a relationship be prepared to care about me. you can’t ghost my ass and leave me all suicidal and alone that’s bs. And someone who won’t leave me when I’m in the psych ward. Sorry best friend we ain’t got phones 😆 and someone who respects my friends. If you do Jack shit to my friends I’ll beat your ass without hesitation. I will never pick you over them so get it together. Bros before hoes. Oh and lastly someone who won’t bully me for my insecurities. My toxic ass best friends did this and I’m left with gaping holes in my heart so please don’t rip it up ty. my love language is definitely words. Compliment me bitch I’ll cry. Maybe it’s because I didn’t get enough love as a child or maybe it’s not. Either way fuck yeah make my ego strong. HEY AND ALSO someone who isn’t insecure that I’m bi is great. I’ve had boyfriends who’ve asked me deadass ‘yk...you should stop being bi.’ Like babe I’ve been trying. For seven years in total. It don’t work. Sorry?

anyway bye and also ur such a good writer like uh gimme what ur on? 😍

viv’s notes: bae this was one of the most interesting asks i had to respond to immediately. first off i love your personality please send me more asks. second, i’ve gotta agree with the prince philip jokes and shit. i must say his recent horrifying photos are now added to my folder of reaction pics. third, i am on nothing. the only way i’m holding onto sanity and grasping fleeting creativity is with a dark ass room and rain lofi at the moment. (plus i’d commit crimes with you <3)

i pair you with mina ashido.

you and her both have a collection of inside jokes and laugh about them often

she’s loyal and will stay by your side even if that means signing release forms at the police station or paying for a broken target cart

she’ll give you hugs and kisses but definitely expresses her affection verbally

she isn’t gonna pick at your insecurities but will smack anyone who does

“wow, so this place has been here longer than a hundred years?” you look around the building in awe, the sun shining through the broken glass windows.

“i think so, google said it was used as a hospital.” mina affirms, nodding to herself as she looks around.

“it’s pretty nice in here. you can see the sunlight and everything.”

mina takes a selfie of the both of you, flashing a peace sign before grabbing your left hand. “come on, let’s go!”

#— vivi's 1k event #mina ashido

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

#txt #mine

[slitherfromeden]

– it's a pretty big place, i'm sure there has to be at least one place where you fit. just. please, even if it feels dumb, let yourself be a little optimistic. you're going to say it feels impossible maybe, but what if it isn't, please hold on to the possibilities at least. look maybe at least wait until you talk to your psych again? from what you tell me you kind of trust her? maybe don't make a decision like this before you talk to her? shit. i don't know. i just really don't want you gone.

okay. i feel like i should explain myself. i tend to get worked up about things, and very easily fly of the handle from tiny issues, because i bottle up so much. whilst the history paper was a part of it, i think a majority of it was that i was forcing myself into looking at pictures of myself from when i was at the height of my ed. ngl, it was the best i ever looked. and even in the months of immediate recovery, i didnt look bad. and i was just sitting there, realising i’d went up two clothing sizes since then and that wasn’t even two years ago. part of it was an anti depressant i was on last year that made me gain massive amount of weight and also made it so my appetite was always there. i almost doubled in weight over the course of this past year and a half. i dont know how to handle that. even then i wasnt skinny, but i was like,, thicc i guess is the best word to describe it ashdfhads. and i look bad on that now and want it but i know that at that time i thought i was horrendously fat, like. on my death bed. but over the past week all i could think about was it. like. i felt more confident in my body during that time, and i can physically FEEL the weight i’ve gained and. i dont feel good. but at the same time i dont want to go back to that. i dont know if i even can. it’s more difficult than ever to get away with purging. i dont even know how i managed in 2018. 

i think the reason that i’ve been able to not relapse into ed behaviour over the past year and a half is that a) i am not longer friends with someone who greatly enabled me (to be fair,, they were also suffering from the same problem and i think we enabled each other. i am not proud of the things i said to that person and did over that time, but they did a lot of similar things to me and,,, i’m just glad we’re both away from each other. it wasn’t healthy for either of us but i still miss them sometimes. they gave great hugs) and b) i was so focused on my self harm addiction that i didnt even have time to think about food in that way. but my self harm addiction has calmed down and i am thinking about my time with that person more and more and romanticising it when really. it wasn’t fun, most of the time. we were so horrible to each other. we were doing horrible things together and i feel horrible. but i still want them back. i miss that they would hold me i guess. i miss that they wanted me. i miss feeling reciprocated feelings of that even though they had a girlfriend during that time (yeah…. we were really shit people together. plus they got me involved with an older man and kind forced me into it so they wouldn’t feel so bad about being the one with a partner,, it just was really bad.) and like we’re both so different than we were but i just. idk. doing speed therapy with myself rn. i’ve not actually fully relapsed. it’s more of a relapse in thought than in action. but i know that action is coming. i dont want to lose my teeth. but my hatred for myself is larger than that so. idk. plus i’m already anxious about school and my imminent birthday. it’s just. a lot of bad shit.  it’s the perfect storm and that history paper just. sent me over the edge i guess.

i still wanna kill myself. it’s just as strong now as it was last night. but i think that it would be stupid to do it right now. the time isn’t right. i need to wait it out, right? i think i’m gonna wait until i can talk to my psych again. idk when that wil; be, and she has no clue about my ed or,, my relationship with that person. i think i can sort that out myself though. i have in the past. to an extent. idk this is like,,, years of problems all at once and i am close to begging to be put on the psych ward. at least if i’m there i don’t need to be around my abuser 24/7. idk. i jsut dont want to be in this house right now. and i dont think it’s safe for me to be around others and be by myself for long periods of time. idk.

#anon #answered #very very long and i am sorry for doing therapy with you i am just bottling up shit without my psych #self harm / #suicide / #eating disorders / #abuse / #uhhh i think that's every tw ahsdhf

[erectionsandtea]

100 Questions

Tagged by @mileven-and-contemplation (you gave me something to do today)

1. What is your nickname? Maddy is my nickname :P

2. How old are you? Too fucking old, okay

3. What is your birth month? August

4. What is your zodiac sign? Leo

5. What is your favorite color? Blue, any shade :)

6. What’s your lucky number? 13, lol

7. Do you have any pets? 5 mollys (1 adult and 4 babies), 6 tetras, and a black mystery snail (all freshwater fishies and creatures) :D

8. Where are you from? ‘Murica

9. How tall are you? Like 5′7″ or so ?

10. What shoe size are you? 9 1/2 ? Give or take

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? A box-full, maybe...10 pairs if we’re including slippers? Dude, I’m not sure of anything, half of my answers will end in question marks :P

12. Are you random? You tell me

13. Last person you texted? The bf :3

14. Are you psychic in any way?

15. Last TV show watched? Currently rewatching American Dad, last show not rewatched though..the new season of Archer

16. Favorite movie? 12 Angry Men (and then How to Train Your Dragon)

17. Favorite show from your childhood? Depends on what constitutes “childhood”, but I’m gonna say The Simpsons and Futurama (basically Matt Groening was my childhood)

18. Do you want children? Idk, maybe someday

19. Do you want a church wedding? Sure, if I get married, but the church has to be by a beach

20. What is your religion? I identify as neo-Pagan

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Once when 5 year-old me thought I broke my arm, and another time to the psych ward

22. Have you ever gotten in trouble with the law? Uhhh, I walked to the library once when I was like 10 without telling my parents, and a policeman picked me up, does that count?

23. How is life? A bitch, but sometimes a nice bitch, sooo basically normal

24. Baths or showers? Showers

25. What color socks are you wearing? I’m not wearing socks

26. Have you ever been famous? Briefly among Supernatural fans, when I wrote and performed this during the 2013 Mishapocalypse, I mean that’s the closest I’ve ever been (and probably ever will be)

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? I used to think so, but imagine the anxiety, fuck no

28. What type of music do you like? Literally a little bit of everything, at least one song in every genre (but mainly I’m stuck on ‘80s jams)

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Not yet, lol

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Four

31. What position do you usually sleep in? On my side or on my stomach

32. How big is your house? One story

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I’d rather get extra sleep in the morning

34. Have you ever left the country? No, but that time is coming, soon I’ll have been all over the world!

35. Have you ever tried archery? Yes! Every year at summer camp for like...6-8 years? I was pretty decent, too.

36. Do you like anyone? My boyfriend and Anna Kendrick

37. Favorite swear word? FUCK

38. When do you fall asleep? After lying in bed for like, an hour

39. Do you have any scars? Yes, and let’s leave it at that

40. Sexual orientation? If I like you, I like you

41. Are you a good liar? Fuck no

42. What languages would you like to learn? I’d like to get better at ASL, and then I’d like to learn German (but I’m absolute CRAP at languages)

43. Top 10 songs? The only two that matter are Hooked On a Feeling by Blue Swede and Footloose by Kenny Loggins

44. Do you like your country?

45. Do you have friends on the web? Yeah

46. What is your personality type? The type that people eventually get sick of and leave

47. Hogwarts house? ‘Puff pride, bitch

48. Can you curl your tongue? Noooope

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to?

50. Left or right handed? Right

51. Are you scared of spiders? Definitely not fond of them

52. Favorite food? Cheese, and then potatoes (especially cheesy potatoes!)

53. Favorite foreign food? Idk man, I just like food, I’m discovering new amazing stuff all the time

54. Are you a clean or messy person? I want to be clean but I’m too lazy and messy

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? Be the sassiest, most fashionable, and most adorable drunk gay boy in the club (so basically be Eddie Kaspbrak)

56. What color underwear? Uhhh...commando?

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 20 minutes if I actually care, 5 if I don’t

58. Do you have much of an ego? As a Leo, you’d think so, but the truth is, NOPE

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck first, then bite

60. Do you talk to yourself? Who doesn’t do this at some point?

61. Do you sing to yourself? Yesss

62. Are you a good singer? I like to think so, I know I’m not terrible

63. Biggest fears? Being alone

64. Are you a gossip? Not really..?

65. Are you a grammar Nazi? I wouldn’t be if people knew how to spell and use proper punctuation, etc.

66. Do you have long or short hair? Short on one side, shorter on the other :P

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? No, I always forget at least one

68. Favorite school subject? Choir :P (until college, then my favorite class was psychology)

69. Extrovert or introvert? An extroverted introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? Yes, I took classes a year-and-a-half ago and we went to Monterey bay!

71. What makes you nervous? The better question is what doesn’t make me nervous?

72. Are you scared of the dark? ...yes. Sometimes.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? I try to

74. Are you ticklish? Everywhere.

75. Have you ever started a rumor? Nope

76. Have you ever been our of your home country? Not yet, but soon

77. Have you ever drank underage? Yep, started trying things when I was 13

78. Have you ever done drugs? Yup

79. What do you fantasize about? My ships

80. How many piercings do you have? 6 lobe (3 in each ear), 2 helix (in my left ear), 1 tragus (in my right ear), and 1 nose piercing (next I’m planning to get a daith piercing, idk which side yet) (here is a chart for anyone who does not know the ear terminology)

81. Can you roll your R’s? I’ve done it 3 times in my life, all 3 were luck

82. How fast can you type? Super fucking fast, bro (and without looking at the keyboard)

83. How fast can you run? I haven’t’ run for like, 4 years, idk, but my best mile time was around 8 minutes in high school :P

84. What color is your hair? You tell me, I think it’s brown, but sometimes it looks different, like dirty blonde..?

85. What color are your eyes? Hazel :)

86. What are you allergic to? Probably dust or pollen, and my mom thinks I was allergic to our cat, but that was never looked into

87. Do you keep a journal? Tried, could never keep it up

88. Are you depressed about anything? EDIT: okay, mildly depressed, idk about what, I wish I did, but oh well, life fucking sucks that way

89. Do you like your age? ????

90. What makes you angry? Stupid drivers and people who are assholes to customer service workers

91. Do you like your own name? Uhh, it’s unique, so yeah I guess

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? Yeah, I once put a tiny plastic decorative berry up there just to see if I could, and it got stuck but I was able to get it out just before I had to go onstage for a play I was in :P

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? One of each!

94. What talents do you have? If being mediocre at things still counts as talent, then I guess I can sing, play guitar, ukulele, and piano/keyboard, crochet, knit, rap, and write...but meh, I’m basically an expert amateur

95. Sun or moon?

96. How did you get your name? My parents wanted something unique, and they thought this name was elegant

97. Are you religious? Not at all

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? Yep, still seeing one now and planning on continuing in the future

99. Color of your bedspread? The one on my bed right now is red, but I also have a blue and an orange

100. Color of your room? White, but covered in posters and things

Idk who to tag, but if you want to do this, please do it, feel free! :D

Except for @killian-morelike-killingme and @textualselection, because I just feel like it xD

#maddy makes a post #100 questions #mileven-and-contemplation #can't believe I completed this but it was fun :) so here ya go

[canaryatlaw]

it’s 2 am and I’m tired so idk if this will be short or if I’m gonna end up rambling about emotions. today was fine I guess. I woke up to my alarm at 8, and quickly realized I definitely didn’t need to wake up that early in order to be on call at 8:30, I can definitely do that in 15 minutes, so that’s good to know. I just kinda hung out for the morning, watched an episode of the monsta x “x-ray” show where they just make the band members do ridiculous things and it’s hilarious. otherwise I was mostly trying to ignore things on the internet for obvious reasons. once my shift was over at 1, friend came over and we had late brunch because we like that, and then watched The Social Network, which is one of friend’s favorite movies, and I had never seen before, so that was interesting. I did like the set up with it all taking place in depositions, even if that meant I had to point out all the legal errors they made in their depiction, but I did like the movie. then got bubble tea which was great and watched Legally Blonde the musical because it’s fabulous and I know the entire show backwards and forwards lol (and of course I had to point out all the legal inaccuracies in that too, because that’s just me as a person). so that was enjoyable. I did have to field one work call during it, still working out how all of the procedure is here, but since it was late in the day we set up an appointment to give remote services on Monday, idk if it’ll be me or not because the client is a spanish speaker and it’s obviously easier to have our attorney that speaks spanish handle it, but we also have several staff members who can translate, so we’ll see what happens. after legally blonde we ordered dinner from the Thai place we like. We’d gone there not long before the lockdown was put into place, and it was like a ghost town, pretty much entirely empty, when that’s never been the case before when we go on weekday nights all the time. Since people suck, we kinda figured it was people being shitty and racist and refusing to get food from them due to the sheer fact that they’re Asian, even from an entirely different country than where this actually started, and we like the place a lot- there’s a kid (’kid”) who mans like the entrancing and a lot of the wait staff work, we figured he was probably someone’s son (he’s like around 20 I guess?) but we’ve built up a really good rapport with him (it pretty much happens at any place we regularly go to, lol) so we definitely wanted to support them during this, and we hoped that the kid would see the order being placed and know it had to be us, because we order the same thing every time which he has memorized at this point, so I hope at least he saw that and it brought a smile to his face. We’ve been trying really hard to patronize local businesses with delivery and such (though we sometimes use mcdonalds for coffee/coke just because they’re cheap and super quick being that it’s just down the street a bit), so I can at least appreciate that. while we were waiting for the food and once we got it we were watching jeopardy, which there are a disappointingly lack of many episodes on netflix, they have like 33 seasons or something ridiculous like that and there’s like, 15 episodes on netflix, which is just sad. They’re organized though by “collection” of people that one a series of episodes, and we had watched all the other episodes so we were watching this one with this lady that was the champion just annoyed the shit out of us and we were ragging on her the whole time, only for the episode she finished on to end with a statement that winning jeopardy had been a lifelong goal for her, and nobody knew that while they were filming she actually had stage 4 cancer, and passed away before the episodes were played, and of course then we were like WELL SHIT that was a plot twist to say the least, so now I feel bad about ragging on her, but oh well. friend headed home once we finished eating, and I watched another episode of x-ray but then got tired of reading subtitles and watched more of Hunters on amazon prime video, which is really damn good so far. so I did that for a bit then eventually switched over to Jimmy Kimmel, which I watched until the end of the episode, then showered and started getting ready for bed, and now I am here. so, those are the actual things I did today.

emotionally, of course, was on a whole other level. I have this very specific feeling that I had when I was in college and my best friend back home tried to kill herself and was then locked in a psych ward where I couldn’t communicate with her at all, and of course, I was trapped 500 miles away when all of this was happening. that very specific feeling of things are terrible and I’m not okay at all but there’s absolutely nothing I can actually do about it. I spoke with my mom on the phone this morning. she didn’t really have any updates, but said the doctors had said over the next couple days they should be able to find out where this is going, which is I guess kinda promising but also kinda scary. my mom was of course saying things weren’t going to go bad because so many people are praying for him. and this is where I feel like I’m having a bit of a crisis of faith going on here. I never really understood when people were angry at God that their loved ones passed away, it’s just what happened, and I definitely did not think I would ever feel that way, and yet here I am having the same questions. Because like, yes, prayer is great and appreciated, but people pray all the times and people still die all the time. there was a recent situation with a youngish guy from my parents’ church going through a long health battle, and he had so many people constantly praying him for months and months....and then he died about a month ago, leaving behind an incredibly distraught wife who’s now a widow. and I’m just like, how can I expect prayer to influence the outcome here and be a reason why I think it can’t go badly when I see people who were prayed for in abundance and yet still died. it does remind me of a quote from C.S. Lewis which is something along the lines of “I don’t pray because it changes God, I pray because it changes me” and I guess that’s what I should be focusing on? and yes, of course God has a plan and his timing is perfect even when we can’t see it, and I’ve seen that play out in my life so many times, when I was crying out to God screaming where are you, and looking back I can see he was right there the entire time, he was just out of the frame that I could see at the time. and everything I’ve been taught is telling me I need to trust God and know his plan is for the best (all things work to the good of those who please him, for who are called according to his purpose- Romans 8:28). It’s just....when it’s your life being affected, everything is different. I never begrudged God when all of my grandparents died, they were old and that’s just what happens. But I’m just.....I’m not ready to let go of him. I can’t do this without him here. and the idea that God’s perfect plan involves taking him away from me, even if it makes sense in the long run, is just not something I can deal with right now. sigh. I don’t know where I’m going with any of this. I did make a facebook post about it, then ignored my phone for 2 hours so I didn’t have to see the constant notifications of people commenting pop up when each well meaning comment just reminds me of all of this. Of course there were a ton of comments, and I was really caught between knowing I should appreciate every prayer and well wishes from anyone, or feeling like if you haven’t spoken to me in the last 10 years you’re clearly not invested at all in my life and I don’t need your pity, or you getting to feel better about yourself because you left a comment. I’ve done a good amount of crying over the past few days too. okay, it’s almost 3 am and I’ve been writing this massive post for an hour now, which is definitely a sign I should end this here before I end up rambling even more, so that’s what I will do. Goodnight friends. Hope you enjoy your weekend and stay safe.

#daily journal #April 2020 #me

[yuhb0y]

Hard to believe this post was 3 years ago. My first suicide attempt led me to be institutionalized and it was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I remember waking up in the middle of the night one day and crying harder than I had ever cried, I don’t really remember what it was about this specific day but at some point throughout the thought came into my head that this was finally it.

I wrote a letter to my family and texted the girl I loved a huge apology. This was all going on during the worst drug binge I had ever been on. I took one last shower idk why but I did, I sat down on my couch and really reflected on everything I could for as long as I could but in a moments notice I realized that I didn’t really want to overthink the whole situation so I gathered about 12 or 14 norcos in my hand and just swallowed them whole. I continued to do so til there wasn’t anything left of the 2 bottles I had gotten my hands on. I remember going in for the last handful and feeling some sort of relief.

And just like that I leaned back and could feel my head get lighter and lighter and I as I got higher all I could remember is crying. Even in the moments I had hoped to be my last I felt inadequate. There was no peace, there was no instance where this all made sense to me, I found nothing. This was everything I had allowed to eat away at me taking all control and I just sat there crying because it was the worst realization I had ever made.

Eventually I blacked out and I guess my mother found me with puke coming out my mouth. I was still a bit coherent but everything was so fucking hazy. I don’t really know how my mom did it but she got me into her car and drove me to the hospital where she worked at (and ironically the one I was born at.) It was about 5am and I remember seeing rain fall down on a world that wasn’t quite awake yet out the car window as I came in and out of this horrible state I was in, my mom kept shaking me to stay awake.

When I got to the hospital I was in a drug induced frenzy, I tried to fight staff and police cuz they wanted to strip me (staff even stole my phone charger but I don’t blame them) Eventually I was put into an er room. Too much time had gone by and they said they couldn’t pump my stomach, so I had to wait out the worst high of my life. I spent about 9 hours vomiting, crying with my parents, and slipping in and out of consciousness cuz I was not allowed to fall asleep under any circumstances in case I didn’t wake back up.  This was it, this was my defeat, nothing after this would be the same whether I lived or died, everything would change.  

All I really remember was thinking about my siblings and my late grandmother. My siblings and my parents are everything to me and all I felt was shame. More shame than I’ve ever felt in my life. I had to start training for a new job that week and all I remember thinking is “What do I tell them?” “Does the rest of my family know?” “How do I explain this to anyone?” I was at the lowest I had ever been in my life and I thought no one could understand.  

The whole 9 hours I was in the er I wasn’t allowed water for fear of choking to death. I vomited the entire time and cried more than I had ever in my 19 years of living, I confessed my feelings to my parents and everything I had felt up to that point, I told them I had been depressed since I was a child and how I was hiding this drug problem from them, and they both just kept telling me they loved me and that everything was gonna be ok.  

I really didn’t have a choice when it came to being put in the psych ward, my parents really pushed it and I didn’t really know what to do in this situation. I signed a dotted line and hugged my mom and dad like it was the last time I was gonna see them. I was stripped searched one last time and taken to a room with the clothes I arrived in.  

I remember sleeping most of the time when I first got there. My roommate was a rich kid like two years older than me with a history of drug abuse and destruction of property. His name was Michael and he was there as part of court-sentenced rehabilitation, he had taken abunch of xanax and crashed his rich dads car into a building. He was kinda scary and read the bible all the time in order to “get right with god.” He even stole one of my tshirts by proclaiming to me one morning “This is mine now Eli.” We had planned to stay in contact when I got out but that never happened. Most nights we’d talk til one of us passed out, when you’re put into a setting like that it really changes alot of things, I feel like he knew me better than most people know me now. I hope he’s doing ok where ever he is, I hope he’s better cuz he atleast deserves that.  

I actually made friends in there and they helped me out more than any of the therapy or group activities. Our lunch table consisted of me, this man Mark that was an alcoholic and decorated college professor with 4 kids, grandkids and a girlfriend, he attempted to hang himself from his bedroom window and ended up falling 3 stories and breaking his arm, this was his 6th stay in a mental institution. There was Greg, a theater actor that was down on his luck, he never told me how he tried to do it but that didn’t matter, he had struggled with depression since he was a teenager and by the end of his stay he was really stoked on getting this part in a play. There was another Michael he was also my age, he was in there cuz he almost drank himself to death and received alcohol poisoning, he had been away at college when it happened and his family thought it’d be good for him to check himself in before going to rehab, we talked about death metal and videogames all the time and he was the only one that ever wanted to take walks with me. Finally there was Dave, he was a terminal cancer patient with a degree in architecture, he had two kids and a wife, he slashed his arms with a kitchen knife, he was usually on bed rest but he was the only one that was ever up as early as I was and we were always the first ones up for breakfast, I think I helped him more than he helped me. These men helped me out so much, especially Mark, I couldn’t believe such a smart and experienced person could feel the way I did, he was the first person that really taught me about coping with depression and he just taught me so much about regular life stuff and I’m forever grateful for that, I had tried to contact him when I was out but could never get a hold of him. I hope he didn’t die, that’s my biggest fear. I hope no one died, I hope they’re all still here. It’s horrible to think like that but it’s hard not to.  

While I was in there I got regular visits from friends and the girl I was in love with, she even made out with me once in there and some staff saw and scolded me but I just thought it was funny. Seeing her was the one thing I looked forward to the most cuz she came everyday and I would literally count down the minutes and hours til she arrived and I couldn’t help but get super stoked everytime, I was really in love. Visits helped me alot since I had no means of contact with the outside world. I remember writing letters to my mom and dad and said girl. I would draw alot and write alot and I even read some books which I never do. One thing I couldn’t do was listen to music and that was probably the most annoying thing ever. I watched movies everyday too with my roommate and we even started a “movie time” in the wreck room, I remember watching A Bronx Tale one day and 2 ladies were really offended cuz they swore alot, we didn’t care though.  

I was in there for about 8 or 9 days until I was discharged on short notice. My aunt Maggie had lost her fight with diabetes and had passed away while I was in there. She was the only one that ever came to my shows and she was my mom’s best friend, she was a wonderful person and I loved her alot, it just made my situation worse losing her. The hospital let me out early so I could attend her funeral. I was diagnosed with dysthymia and prescribed anti-depressants and handed a 2,000 dollar medical bill and sent on my way.  

It was all surreal, the day i got out my mom picked me up and we headed home to pack since we were headed to Wisconsin to bury my aunt on her tribes’ reservation, I brought my girl too. We were off to Wisconsin, here I was not even 12 hours out and on my way to send off my beloved aunt, I didn’t know how to feel, everyting was happening so fast. The funeral actually wasn’t sad, of course my family and i cried but it was a very beautiful native american ceremony. There was dancing and a huge bonfire and a feast and we told stories about Maggie, it lasted 2 days, there was a ton of my family and none of them knew what I had just been through so i had to just pretend like I was ok, but either way it wouldn’t really be appropriate to talk about that shit there. The only person that knew was my uncle who’s wife we were burying, I remember him hugging me and telling me he loved me and I just held him and told him I loved him too, I felt like a jackass cuz he already had enough going on. We burried my aunt next to her mother one morning and I put a rose on her casket. Death is a very real thing and I had been face to face with it and this whole experience was insane.  

We stayed the whole weekend on this beautiful reservation and I remember just being with my girl and feeling lucky to be alive. It was like some straight up movie shit, I remember one night I was just hanging out with her in front of this lake and just kissing her and it was dark and we were in the middle of all this scenery and the whole time the weather was gloomy since it was fall and it was cold but I didn’t care I just kissed her and told her I loved her, it was intense.  

When I was back home I got back into the groove of things and began to live life again cuz I didn’t really wanna think about all I had been through for a bit. I remember talking to friends and family members about it, some conversations were more sincere than others. When you almost die everyone loves you.  

Depression is a very serious thing. It doesn’t take a break, it can take over anyone, your mother, your girlfriend, your boss, your teacher, no one is really in the clear. Depression is a monster that eats away at alot of us and some of us don’t make it out in one piece. If you ever feel like you’re going through something, please don’t do it alone, even if you feel like you are, you’re not. It took a drug overdose for me to realize that and it shouldn’t have been that way. Feeling like shit about yourself is completely normal, we’re literally the most complex organisms on this planet with even more complex feelings and ideas, it’s perfectly alright to feel down sometimes, it’s completely natural. I’m just saying you should never feel like you need to hide the way you’re feeling and you should never be scared of reaching out to someone, we all have people that care about us and if they’re all real, they’ll definitely understand. Don’t wait until it’s too late like I did. Don’t wake up one morning after bottling everything up and make a decision you can’t take back. Don’t break your mother’s heart. Don’t let this take you. You are more than this and you deserve more, you owe it to yourself. Love yourself and let the love of others guide you down this dark path, it’s the only way.  

Three years have gone by. Three years. I still struggle everyday with these thoughts in my head and some days are harder than others. Sometimes I feel like giving up and making everything go away. Three years have gone by and I don’t do drugs anymore, I’ve had my moments of weakness but I never went back to that shit. Three years have gone by and the friends I had back then are still here, and I love them with all my heart. Three years have gone by and some friends have parted ways with me but I love them too. Three years have gone by and the girl I wrote those letters to burned them all. Three years have gone by and I attempted suicide again. Three years have gone by, I’ve made some progress and had some setbacks. Three years have gone by and I’ve fucked up alot of things in my life. Three years have gone by and I’ve hurt some people and have been hurt myself. Three years have gone by and I’ve done some cool shit. Three years have gone by and music has always been there for me. Three years have gone by and my relationship with my parents is better. Three years have gone by and alot has changed. Three years have gone by and I’m happy I’m still here.  Three years have gone by and I hope if you’re reading this and you struggle with something similar I want you to know that it’s not gonna get better right away, this horrible feeling will probably never leave you but goddamnit you are strong and you are amazing and life is amazing and there’s so much of it you gotta see. And when it’s all said and done you will be more than this.  

Always remember that I’ll always love you and I’ll always be here for you even in the darkest times. Maybe you’ll feel different when the sun rises.

#depression #anxiety #tw suicude #suicde

[ohnohetaliasues]

Zila Umbra (Fairy Tail)

 (Kat)

I'm not sure if I've reviewed this before, but I don't think I have. Let's begin.

I was asked to delete the art by the artist, so I have. It was very well done, though.

i haven’t written her complete background yet but i have it written in my minD

This is off to a rocky start...

I’m curious about the issue with putting the ideas down on the profile, but I’m not here to nitpick.

Hello, yes, this is my blog, where I nitpick things. Enjoy your stay!

sOOSOoo her name is Zila Umbra and shes a lil bae and im still kinda n the process of designing her character so yee

Don't describe your OC as a 'bae' or I will kill you violently.

Also, 'bae' means 'poop' in Danish...

ok so when she was younger she found out that she could talk to the dead,

Okay, no. We haven't seen any ghosts in Fairy Tail other than Mavis, but she's only there because of her residual magic and the guild seal that acts as an extension. This is not Supernatural, contrary to the gif I just used.

and it completely paranoid her and her parents.

That's kind of mild....?

Just paranoid?

Her parents where completely religion based and basically thought she was the spawn of satan or something

The only church I can think of in Fairy Tail is the Church of Zentopia, and that was a filler arc. So please explain why her parents are Fairy Tail puritans.

and sent her off to a mental hospital that completely isolated her from others besides her ghosts

And they didn't just say 'Oh, that's your magic'? No, they just jumped to "SATAN!"

and thats really not something a little girl should have to deal with sOOOO she made friends with one specific ghost who actually turned out to be her mentor in magic.

That's... convenient.

She taught her that the reason she hears all the ghosts and voices is because of the eye she was born with is basically the sorce of most her magical energy so she started covering it up and her everlasting headache went away.

...No. Just no. That is not a thing. WHEN DID THE HEADACHE THING COME IN? Body parts are never magic in Fairy Tail, other than Erza's artificial eye. 

She was also taught that if she wore sage it would ward off bad spirits, so she put some sage in a small vile and put that on necklace and put the necklace around her neck and she wears it to this day uwu.

THIS IS NOT SUPERNATURAL.

she still could talk to ghosts and stuff though.

Oh yes, all benefits and no cons. She can still use her magic usually even though she covered up her eye?

Her mentor ( her name is darcy) taught her all the basics of magic and such as she lived in her little cell.

This is too dark for Fairy Tail.

Darcy though specialized in shadow magic, so she passed it on to zila (along with some knowlege on spells that let you use ghosts as your allies and stuff).

This is not okay. 

once zila had been taught all she could darcy taught her how escape and about a guild called fairy tail she could go to for help

Why wasn't she like 'Go to a soup kitchen' or a homeless shelter, but nooo, let's go to a MAGIC GUILD.

Also, Darcy is a ghost. Of course she's an expert at escaping. She can WALK THROUGH WALLS.

Zila made it out succsesfully after 3 years of being isolated ( and thus began her fear of being alone uwu)

i don't think she'd be able to function properly in society after being isolated for three freaking years.

once she made it to the guild she was let in and made friends quickly ( which really suprised her because she haddnt interacted with real people in like forever eheh)

Like I said, she wouldn't be able to function properly. She'd be quiet and reserved.

This is so improbable I CANNOT EVEN.

out of the children in the group

She is a CHILD WHO WAS IN ASYLUM FOR THREE YEARS WITH NOBODY BUT GHOSTS. ERZA WAS TRAUMATIZED WHEN SHE JOINED THE GUILD AFTER THE TOWER OF HEAVEN DEBACLE. SHE HAD TROUBLE MAKING FRIENDS. SHE TOOK A VERY LONG TIME TO ADJUST. THAT'S JUST BEING HUMAN. THIS GIRL IS DEFYING LOGIC. BEING ALONE FOR SO LONG WOULD HAVE A SUBSTANTIAL IMPACT ON HER PSYCHE. 

and was usually the peace maker between gray and natsu bUT ITS ONLY BECUASE SHE LOVES THem,

She literally just stole Erza's job.

once erza came she was always trying to talk to her and make sure she wasnt sad because she felt sorry for her and knew that if she was going to be alone that it would be sad

It feels like this OC is ripping of Erza's struggle. 

anddddddd yeAH THATS A WHOLE NOTHER STORY BUT THEYRE BASICALLY BEST BUDS KINDA ANd they go on jobs together a lot ( like i imagine her being with erza when they came into the story line )

If she's S Class, I will scream.

shes such a little sweatheart too.

I am suffering.

Vehemently. 

She hums when she fights easy battles 

That... makes her sound insane. Nobody does that in Fairy Tail.

and will only cry if someone tells her its okay  

That is not good for your mental health.

Personality wise shes veRY VERY VERY VERY LOYAL AND PROTECTIVE OF HER FRIENDS

Oh gee, I didn't see this cliché coming.

LIke if she let a friend get hurt when she couldve prevented it she would be so dispointed.

Of freaking course.

Like every OC ever.

She DOSENT like seeing a people she cares about in pain

Nobody does, sweetheart.

so she’ll do her best to prevent it like rub natsus back while they’re on a train or in a car or somethin u kno.

Not even Lucy does that. Nobody wants him to puke on them. 

Shes pretty caring and forgiving unless you break a promise or betray the guild or somethin, but shes not overly forgiving of people who used to be bad and are now good unless shes had time to understand them and stuff idk. ALSO PLS DONT TrY TO HURT JUST HER FRIENDS IN FRONT OF HER BECAUSE SHES GOING TO tRY AND KILL U NO MERCy.

Wow, I so haven't seen that before in my three years of reviewing OCs.

ALSO she’ll straight up be like “I love you” if she loves you bUT JUST AS A FRIEND OK if she loves u romantically shes gonna hide it a bunch or iF SHE FInds out that you like her shes gonna blush all the time around you

Please no.

You know, for someone who was stuck in an asylum, alone, for three years, she sure acts like a normal teenage girl.

and just omg i love her.

You don't put that on an OCs profile.

You just don't.

She’s also pretty comfortable around people she knows so like if she’s on a train or somethin she will use grays shoulder as a pillow because iTS COLD AND SHES TIRED AND NOBODY CARES BECause it’s her and it’s completely normal for her.

Juvia would mind. Juvia would mind a lot. And so would Gray, to be honest. 

OveRALL SHES NICE AND FRIENDly and shes a pretty strong fighter and stuff and shes calm and optimistic and encouraging even though when shes fighting shes scaRY

There are no flaws anywhere.

a babe ok shes just a babe 

The more you say that, the more I want to kill her.

negative characteristic wise shes really paranoid still due to all the ghosts and shit,

Wouldn't she be used to that? Also, can't she keep away the bad ghosts?

SHE HAS THAT BIG FEAR OF BEING ALONE LIke she will stay by whoever shes with and usually they make sure they stay by her too because they kNOW SHES SCARED AS FRICK OF BEING ALONe.

The creator is trying to make a flaw. But these will not effect the OC in critical moments. 

but if shes confined in a place and has no idea if people are near her or not shes rEALLY SCARED EVEN THOUGH SHES A TOUGH MOMMA SHES SCAREd.

You are running in circles here. What is her weakness? The situation you provided would scare anyone! 

shes forgetfull but wont ever forget things really important eheh,

Yay, another weakness that isn't a weakness. 

I do this all the time. Many people do. You aren't a special snowflake.

she can get really anxious and worried for others, and when you upset her in a fight she might get upset and start being reckless but yOU REALLY GOTTA TUG ON THOSE HEART STRINGS (unless ur like ’ ima kill ur bud’ then its really easy for her to go cray on you, but usually

Okay, no. That is literally Natsu. This person is ripping other characters off.

Also, that was a run on sentence. It stars at "She's forgetful" and ends at "when that happens uwu." USE PUNCTUATION.

if the person being threatened is with her they’ll calm her down and she’ll be able to fight in a less reckless way), but once you do she goes a little insane and is more powerfull but gets hurt eaiser and dosent even care just as long as she fucks the other person up aND SHELL TELL EM TOO idk shes really violent/crazy/scary/blood-thirsty when that happens uwu.

What happened to "She's such a lovable sweetheart?"

Shes super ’ no mercy’ in fights too, mainly because thats what darcy taught her,

Was Darcy evil? Because in Fairy Tail, mercy is a virtue. Lucy would hate her if she showed no mercy. Even Natsu shows mercy, though he goes kind of ballistic if someone threatens his friends (especially Lucy). How did she get in if she shows no mercy? How did she even make friends?

and because she has no trust in the enemy to not hurt her after shes won. 

That doesn't justify that.

She has a bad sense of humor too ok shes a cutie

OH YES, SHE'S STILL A CUTIE.

Zila also has a little ghost friend named Boo ( it’s cliche but idec) who wears a bow with a spell that let’s other people see her on it.

Is Boo more powerful than Mavis now? Because Mavis's residual energy let the members of the guild with a mark see her, but that was the only reason. Nobody else could. But apparently, Boo is so powerful everyone can see her. 

Boo would have to be god-like in terms of power.

I call nonsense on that.

Boo is only with Zila when theyre ina care-free environment but Boo can’t talk and can only use facial expressions. Boo is bae too

If you call something 'bae' one more time, I am going to lose it.

Also, what sense does that make?

None.

(also heres what her eyes look like without her eye patch uwu)

That is such a generic thing to do with an OC.

Literally, just no.

Overall, this OC was terrible. She had no flaws, no weaknesses, and her ghost friend had god-like powers. I cannot even. I'll see you guys later.

~Kat

#ohnohetaliasues #mod kat #fairy tail #fairy tail oc #fairy sue #NO #SELF INSERT #MARY SUEEEEE #mary sue #Overpowered #i can't even #canon interference #canon copy #ripoff OC

[comradecowplant]

*hella venting ahead, and since most of us hoes use this site on mobile, which does not recognize ‘readmore’ cut-offs (unless there was an update I never noticed) I ain’t gonna waste my time with it because this is my shitty blog anyway*

Shit is getting really wild again on the mental health front, yippeeeeee. My emotions have been suuper intense and shift at the drop of a hat for no reason, both in ways that I can’t remember being so extreme. I’ve cried an a v e r a g e of like 5 times a day the past 4 days, and I just finished cry number 3 of today... because I fucked up flipping my omelette?? My suicidal ideation is starting to rear its head way more often too (nothing more than an increase in thoughts, there’s not yet been any real impulses thank god. which is good, because despite mine and the doctor’s requests, my dad did not hide the keys to his gun safe, fucking a+ parenting. oh yeah, idt i mentioned that he doesn’t believe I’m really mentally ill so this has been a gr8 environment to live in lolololololollllll) And I just finished my period about a week ago, so i don’t think PMS is playing into it? But something is very. not. right. 

I’m practicing the mental skillness that I learned in the psych ward and from my former therapist, but it is very very difficult. every tiny mistake becomes another failure to add to the collection that is my life, which sparks a shame spiral, and I can’t think about memories/things that remind me of memories without my thoughts immediately redirecting me to the nearest related memory of how I fucked up whatever good thing I was thinking of. I go to my happy spot at the lake, I remind myself that I don’t come here or go outside enough and I am wasting my life. I think about spending the nights with S or I (the beautiful intelligent women who are waaaaaaay out of my league but somehow wanted to fuck me which thus became pinnacles of my gay life) or any of the women I’ve been lucky enough to have Ghey interactions with and brought me infinite joy, and I’m immediately reminded that I fucked up communication with them all which led to us not hanging out again and also btw i’m a big ugly loser. Seriously, give me a subject and Dark Dan will find a way to relate it to how terrible I am. 

And don’t get me started about current events and the immense toll it is taking on my mental health-- my impotent rage over all of the situations, increasing paranoia about nuclear war and fascists that are around every corner, and despair despair despair over the millions of lives being ruined/taken. my heart is too big and it bleeds for each person, which is gr8 in theory but as mentioned, the vast amount of suffering that I can’t help but take into me is Not Helping already mentally fucked Dani and idk what to do about it because retreating from it means that I’m being complacent to injustice which makes me feel even more awful.

Anyway, I’m gonna go hang out with one of my best friends now which will help a lot, and try to bring myself to be a fucking competent adult and make a doctors app for next week. My meds have seemed to be working until recently, I’ve felt relatively balanced, and undoubtedly hypomanic, so hopefully I can just up my dosage to give the team some added support, and won’t have to start all fucking over again with new meds (which is the goddamn pits-- like, in the 2-7 weeks that it can take for the effect to kick in, I could kill myself 8 times. Come on science, help a bitch out and make this process easier plz n thnk) Last time I picked up me pills they were a new kind of the same med, but it dissolves in my mouth before I can even swallow it, which gives me a feeling that the time release or something might be different, so that could be a piece of the puzzle (does anyone know if that could effect the medication?? google was inconclusive and I was too much of a dick to call the pharmacist) 

Venting over. If anyone is reading this, please send me good and healing energy over the next few days and weeks <3 <3

#mental health blogging #bipolar type 2 #depression #suicide mention #mood disorder