#now my dads side....my dad does have a lot of adhd symptoms as well as his dad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

messymonologues · 2 years

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𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐌𝐄 & 𝐌𝐘 𝐀𝐃𝐇𝐃 ✿❁✾❀

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the basics (name, age, etc.):

-> maggie; 19; she/her; february pisces. raised in the american south but currently attending college in new jersey; pursuing a degree in diplomacy + international relations, on track for a 5 yr masters :)

-> i am christian and therefore have a very strong tie to my religion/ faith. i will not shame anyone for having different beliefs and have no desire to pressure anybody with my own religious beliefs in any way; however, you may see these beliefs reflected in some of the posts i make on this blog. my dedication to my faith has made a huge impact on how i have handled having adhd throughout my life, and it has helped me to personally cope over the years in much more healthy ways than if i had not had the stability & security of these core beliefs. that being said, read on for more facts about me & adhd!

some infodumping w/ more fun facts about me:

-> i’m a freshman in college and mentioned my major above, but i’m also hoping to go for a minor in east asian studies. i’m american so english is 1st but in total i speak 4 languages: english, fluent spanish, conversationally fluent korean, and basic japanese; i’m planning to learn mandarin chinese soon too :)

-> my mbti type is enfp (“campaigner”) !!

-> my favorite color is mint green & i love winter ❄️

-> unlike a lot of adhd-ers, i actually suck at art lol; however i write fiction on the side every now & then.

-> i love to travel and have visited 5 countries so far!

-> i don’t plan on putting any pics of myself on here but for curiosity purposes, i’m pale, short, + brunette.

-> that’s enough info dumping for now hehe but feel free to send more questions to my inbox <3 <3 <3

*all about my experience with adhd: (below the cut)*

my official adhd diagnosis:

-> i was diagnosed by an adhd specialist at around 6 years old with combined-type adhd (meaning i showed a combination of having both inattentive and hyperactive types present on my chart), and quite honestly i was told that my adhd levels were highly active and more elevated than a good amount of others with the same diagnosis. so basically, my adhd is fairly severe without being totally crippling. (in case you’re wondering how i treat my adhd: i tried various treatment options throughout elementary school and found that taking a prescription medication for it was the solution that helped me function the most; the dosage of the pill has fluctuated as needed over the years but i still take it every day as it does exactly what it should do inside my brain and makes my life a bit easier. however, i want to put in a disclaimer here to make it known that medication is not the only answer + doesn’t work for everyone the same way.) also, my adhd is genetic on my dad’s side!!

my most prominent symptoms & how my adhd typically presents itself:

-> my most common visible symptom is tics (aka fidgeting in ways that mimic a psych phenomenon called stimming, which describes physical motions that seem random but inexplicably provide release of stress from symptoms for neurodivergent ppl: i.e cracking knuckles, picking at nails or skin, playing with hair, etc.) but the rest of them are internal.

-> my other most common symptoms include: executive dysfunction, emotional dysregulation, rsd (rejection-sensitive dysphoria), decision paralysis, time blindness, object impermanence (“out of sight out of mind” except about pretty much everything not just material things), hyperfixation as well as hyperactivity, distractability, sensory sensitivity issues (specifically i just have an aversion to sudden loud noises like fireworks), and there’s no medical term for it but lastly, burnout/fatigue both physically and mentally.

nobody asked for this but anyways,, here’s some stuff that has helped me cope over the years:

-> reading books was my own personal escape mechanism as a kid. i’d get lost in a book whenever i felt like i was being too much, and then get so absorbed in reading that i’d tune out the world. it was very soothing for my hyperactivity and helped me establish a healthy outlet for my creative energy.

-> i’m not sure if all adhd-ers have this issue, but for me, caffeine has absolutely no effect on me. i can drink a monster/ red bull at bedtime and still get a full night of sleep; also, it doesn’t help me wake up in the mornings either. i cope with this by substituting the caffeine cravings with tea- all kinds- and tbh, tea has a whole lot of benefits that coffee does not! :)

-> you may have noticed that i didn’t include “impulsivity” as one of my symptoms above. this is because i learned at a young age how to curb my impulsiveness through playing a sport (which is one of the top recommendations for adhd-ers actually!), and i played volleyball for many many years. sports helped me control my impulsivity by giving me a place to exert all my quick bursts of energy and also taught me various kinds of self-discipline. it helps!!

-> adhd often (but not always) comes with the challenge of having an addictive personality due to the urge to access dopamine through means that aren’t always healthy, i.e substance abuse or repetitive bad habits. what worked well for me was to combat this dilemma by putting more time into hobbies and habits that make me feel in control of my energy whenever i find myself becoming addicted to or obsessed with a bad habit. this manifested over the years in the forms of: releasing pent-up energy by joining club sports, picking up a new book series to distract myself from the urge to cope with adhd in less healthy ways, writing as much as i want to & about whatever i want to in order to shift my focus from addictive coping habits to creative habits, and surrounding myself with friends whom i feel safe sharing my thoughts and emotions with (although they don’t always understand, they still lend me an ear & it really does help). of course, practicing mindfulness has also decreased how easily i get tangled up in a bad or addictive habit, since reflecting on those habits takes away the desire to obsess over them in a destructive manner.

-> it took me a very long time to realize that my intense emotions were not my fault and that what i was feeling was sometimes all due to rsd- i didn’t figure out how to handle them until late into my high school years. now that i know that my emotions are much deeper than those of the ppl around me, i’m learning to cope in much healthier ways instead of self-destructing/ shaming myself for my reactions. these coping skills include: distracting myself from situations where my emotion or reaction is caused only by rsd and not by an external factor by focusing my energy in a creative way that soothes the pain; using poetry or writing letters to myself to better process the emotions i am feeling and reflect on them in an observational- not judgmental- way; allowing myself to feel whatever i feel in the moment without letting myself be ashamed of the emotions or viewing them negatively; and (if my emotions are caused by another person) having an open-minded and honest conversation with whoever i feel has caused these emotions, where i gently express to them how i perceived whatever happened and inform them of the consequential emotions i reacted towards them with- this includes both good emotions and negative ones, as i am often overwhelmed by either of them. i still struggle with regulating them, so check out my navigation tag for rsd on my homepage for more!!

-> feel free to use any of these skills if you find that they help you overcome your own adhd roadblocks!

— back to navi

#🖇 about me #adhd and me #life with adhd #actually adhd #adhd awareness #adult adhd #adhd tumblr #adhd blog #adhd #learn about me #about the admin #adhder #adhd tag #living with adhd

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pluviophile-bookworm · 3 years

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Understanding and acceptance: a short story consisting of things that actually happened

[A/N: I was on the phone with my mum and she told me that I seem to be in a creative mood and that I should write something. I decided to kill two birds with one stone and share a personal story while also writing it as if it’s fiction. So here goes.]

Word count: 2K

-- 2 weeks ago --

It’s a quiet Saturday evening. My brother Max and I are walking home together, deep in conversation. I have no memory of what the conversation had been about when it started, but I do remember that it somehow got to this:

‘...all this assuming you’re straight, of course, and I’m not assuming anything--’

‘What does being straight mean?’ Max says in a tone that tells me he genuinely doesn’t know. So I feel obligated to explain it in the simplest terms possible. ‘Well, in your case it would mean that you, a boy, like girls.’

‘Well, that’s the normal thing for any person!’ He nearly cuts me off with this. I calculate my next step carefully.

‘Not every person,’ I say, keeping my voice as calm as possible. ‘I’m not straight.’ Of course, he knows that. I came out to my whole family at once three years ago, hoping for the awkward discussions to be over with that. It hasn’t worked out quite as I envisioned it yet.

‘Yeah, but you’re not normal either,’ Max parries. Can’t argue with that. Lucky for me, that is when we reach the front door and each one goes off to mind their own business.

I know very well just how ‘not normal’ I am. Not in that cliche ‘I’m not like other girls’ way, but in a way that causes Bulgarians undereducated on mental health and identity labels (which is unfortunately most people over 30) to brand a person clinically insane, unstable, a threat to the Traditional Bulgarian Family™. Being aroace and having severe social anxiety and ADHD to top it off, I hardly classify as ‘normal’. This is a frequent cause for arguments at the dinner table at home, most of which end in a. tears and/ or a panic attack on my part, b. my father storming off and pretending to be asleep whenever someone goes to call him back to dinner, c. my brother gluing himself to his phone, leaving his plate half-untouched, d. my mother crying over ‘what kind of mother am I that I can’t even have my family together at the table once’, and usually e. all of the above.

For this scenario to play out, however, the whole family of four is required to be present. So fortunately it only happens every other weekend when Dad and I come back home from the capital, where we have been living for the better part of three years now, ever since he got promoted and I started uni. When I’m away from my loving but over-controlling mum and my brother, who seemed to become obnoxious overnight the moment he turned 13 a little over a year ago, I usually have significantly fewer reasons to cry or feel anxious about... you name it. So we do fine. For the most part.

-- this evening --

I am watching Joe and Frankie’s performance of A Whole New World for the thousandth time today when I get a text from Mum.

Mum: How’s my girl doing?

Mum: I haven’t been able to hear from you with all the fuss about your brother.

Max is at that point in his education where he’s applying for high schools. His exam results have just come in and now everyone in the family is stressing about whether his scores will be enough to get him into the school he wants to go to. It’s a big deal, but with all the Rodfini magic going on (and with how terribly behind I am on my internship assignment) I have just been completely unable to care.

Speaking of Rodfini and A Whole New World, I have been repressing the instinctive urge to send my mum the video all day, and when I get her texts, I almost nearly muster up the courage to do it. But between me and her, this is not something you do over text. So I give her a ring instead.

When she picks up, the sound of her voice combined with the anxiety over what I want to tell her makes me tear up and the words are stuck in my throat.

‘Erm-- Mum, can I tell you something?’ I say, still not sure if I’m not about to regret taking up the subject at all.

‘Dear, you know you can tell me anything,’ she says, sounding concerned at my obviously-trying-to-swallow-tears voice.

‘You mean it?’ I ask, listening to her tone to make sure. I wish I could read tones better. ‘Anything?’

‘Is something wrong, honey?’ Oh gods, she’s in a really benevolent mood. I grow more and more afraid of ruining that with my ‘obsession with gays’.

‘Erm, so I guess you should know Dad and I had the tiniest disagreement just now,’ I say, deciding last minute to start with something she might deem ‘more relevant to the family’s personal lives’. ‘You know, we were watching the Euros and then the match ended and we watched the news, and then Dad changed the channel so he could watch the next match. And I was like ‘whoa, what’s with the video quality’, and so dad was like ‘you really need go get your eyes checked out’; and I tried to explain that there was a very obvious difference in quality between the two channels, and he kept yelling at me that I was ruining my eyesight spending all day staring at a screen.’

‘Did he sound annoyed or just concerned?’ Mum asks me.

‘I know what you’re thinking. And I know full well that he’s my parent and he’s concerned about my health. But you should have heard his tone.’

‘So are you two in a fight now?’

‘No. Well, I don’t know.’ I really don’t. It’s hard to tell when one side of the argument refuses to talk about his feelings as if that will kill him. But I don’t tell Mum that. She’s been dealing with Dad since long before I was even planned, so she knows him better than I do. ‘The thing is, he called me back and said that, well, one of the channels was HD and the other was not, so there was indeed a difference, but he thought it was ‘unnatural’ that I was able to register it so immediately, and he kept insisting there was something wrong with my eyes. I should think that seeing something quickly would be a sign of good vision, not bad. Besides,’ I keep talking, nearly desperate to justify myself, ‘I did some research and sensitivity to light is a symptom of ADHD. So it’s nothing new, really.’

‘Oh, please, dear. You’re of a new generation, and ADHD is something of the older generation. Don’t be so quick to self-diagnose.’

I guess there’s some reason to what she says, or at least the last part of it, so I give up on pursuing the subject further. ‘Yeah, anyway,’ I say, ‘I just thought it was all a bit rich coming from the man who refuses to wear his prescription glasses. I haven’t got any prescription glasses, you know.’

I don’t want to come off too cheeky because I still want to try and talk to her about how happy Rodfini have made me today. A while ago, Mum would accuse me of only calling her to complain when I was unhappy, so I have since made it a point to call her when I am happy and tell her so. That’s why I’ve been itching to share this with her. And now the time has come.

‘You know, I’ve been crying in a completely different way today,’ I begin tentatively. ‘A good way, A really, really good way,’ I add quickly before she can get worried again.

‘Yeah? So what was it that made you so happy that you cried?’ Goodness, there’s no turning back now. I decide to proceed with caution.

‘Oh, well, it was this performance, you know. A really beautiful song. So I’ve been wanting to show it to you, but I was worried about how you’d react.’

‘And why would that be?’ she asks in the same kind tone that keeps making me anxious about potentially ruining everything.

‘Well, erm...’ I feel myself start to stutter. ‘See, it’s a love song, and it’s... ok, I’ll just say it. It’s sung by two guys. As in, a couple, you see.’ I keep feeling up the ground with my words, anxious to hear her reaction. It’s like when I’m opening an exam result -- I want to know, but I’m too scared to look. And so now, in my anxious despair to know what she thinks about it, I miss the beginning of her response. ‘And I know how you are about those things, so I...’ I genuinely don’t know what to say. I’ve done my thing again. I’ve kept talking so much that she hasn’t even been able to react audibly. So I trail off, determined to let her speak this time.

‘Ok, but... why do you get so affected by those things?’ Mum says, starting to sound suspiciously like she’s about to question my own orientation again. I feel the need to justify myself for the second time since the conversation has started.

‘Well, it’s just that... I really wish you would just see them, Mum. If you could just see how they look at each other, you’d see that there’s just love. So much love. And joy at being able to express themselves as they are.’

I’m speaking from the heart now. I am finally letting out how much I want her to give them a chance because she deserves to see and hear their magical performance. She must be sensing the anguished sincerity in my voice as I finally manage to stop crying and I smile through the tears, because she says, ‘Dear, are you... are you trying to tell me something there?’

I sigh. She’s asked me this question nearly every time I’ve started speaking ‘too’ passionately about anything LGBTQ+ Which isn’t an awful lot in her presence, but there have been several occasions. Once about Solangelo, at the beach. Once about NPH and his husband David and their children, at the dinner table, as I was trying to explain how same-sex couples can have kids; that one resulted in a seriously bad scene of the type I described earlier. Once about a participant in a reality show who identified as a gay man then, but has recently come out as a trans woman; whenever she’s been mentioned on television, I’ve fought to repress my inner urge to express my happiness for her and the representation she is for the Bulgarian LGBTQ+ community. I wonder even now if my parents have noticed my silence on the subject -- because they certainly do notice when I am not silent.

So now, when the time seems to have come for me to set things straight about my non-straight-ness (bad pun very much intended), I try my best to keep my voice from shaking. ‘I’m not trying to tell you anything I haven’t already told you, Mum. Really.’

‘Are you perhaps attracted to the same gender, dear?’ It seems so unbelievable that she’s said it, and even more that she’s worded like that, but she really has. I force myself to be calm and patient.

‘No, Mum. I’ve told you -- I am not attracted to any gender, be it male, female or anything else, really. You know that.’

‘Well, it sounded as if you--’

‘No, Mum. Really. But I do need you to understand that part of my identity is that I feel the need to support people with other identities different from straight. I’m happy for their successes. I'm concerned about their issues. They’re a sort of family to me. Do you understand that?’ I say, relieved to be speaking my truth at last. At the same time, I try to sound as reasonable and mature about the whole thing as possible. I don’t want to put her off, especially not now that I’m knee-deep in the subject already. I’ve gone too far to turn back now.

‘Yes, honey. Yes, I do. I just don’t want you to exert yourself emotionally, is all. Plus I’ve been so stressed out about your brother and all, you know...’

‘Yeah, I do know. And I know he’ll be fine. He’s a nice boy. I just wished he didn’t keep calling me ‘abnormal’ all the time...’

‘Oh, well, don’t listen to him. He’s been quite stressed out too. And he’s 14. It’s just how he is at this age.’

I’m not too sure about that. ‘Boys will be boys’. It’s ok for boys, then, to pour salt into their neurodivergent sisters’ wounds? I don’t think so. But I can’t fix every problem in one talk. Plus my mum sounds tired now.

So I just say, ‘I guess... Well, anyway, thank you so much, Mum. For hearing me out, and for supporting me, and for everything else. Please don’t worry so much.’

But I know she can’t not worry at all. I’ve got that from her.

‘If you’re sure you’re all ok now, dear...’

‘Yeah, mum, I am. Or I will be. You know, there’s this expression with English, ‘to run with something’. So I’ve been telling myself, I’ll at least try to walk with things. You know I’m not much of a runner anyway.’ I actually laugh, even though the pun is quite untranslatable into Bulgarian.

‘You know I’m proud of you, right?’

I know that has very little to do with the kind of pride I’ve been celebrating all month, but I say, ‘Of course I do. And you know what? I’m quite proud of myself, too.’ I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I mean it. I mean it wholeheartedly this time.

‘I’m nearly falling asleep, though, dear, so I say we call it a night?’

‘Good night, Mummy. And thanks.’

I hang up. Then I forward the video to her.

I’ve come so far, indeed. I reckon we both have.

#writing #personal #asexual #aromantic #lgbtq+#jnk #rodfini #frankie rodriguez #joe serafini #solangelo #hoo #neil patrick harris #family #family dynamics #found family #pride month #adhd #long post

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stoneybowl · 3 years

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DAVE- Dopamine Attention Variability Executive-Dysfunction

I was mindlessly scrolling on the TikTok, as one does, and found this one creator connordewolfe. He posts ADHD (also known on ADHD side of TikTok as DAVE) related content and gives tips on how to cope with it better. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 15, I was told its way different than ADHD (plot twist its not! Its the same thing!) and my parents didn't really care. I struggled so much my entire life and had to create my own coping mechanisms so that people would see me as "normal". Looking back to elementary school and high school I would always be penalized for showing any signs of having ADHD, so when I would start stimming my teachers would get mad and ask me to leave the class or make fun of me with the entire classroom of students. My parents would call me lazy and that I need to learn to be like everyone else. I learned at a very young age how to "mask", so I would mask my symptoms and pretend I was okay and normal when in reality I knew that it wasn't normal. Its because of that I am very self-conscious about showing signs of my disorder and being open about it to this day. For many years it was drilled into me that I can't show that I'm different or I will get bullied by both my family and classmates. If you think of it that s pretty fricked up, now I'm 21 and my symptoms as well as my head is really messed up because of it. When I was young and trying to learn to read I would struggle a lot and my dad didn't have the patience so he would yell at me and call me dumb and stupid, so when I got older and If I had a presentation to do at school I would have such bad anxiety attacks and forget how to read, my voice would shake and I would cry every time so students would laugh at me which made it worse. I am still the same way to this day, I get told to get over it but when I watch Connordewolfe's videos I get upset because I didn't get a support system and I didn't get help on how to handle this. I had to do it alone and that really hurts, people think ADHD is a joke and kids just trying to give an excuse for being lazy and forgetful, but its a serious thing and kids as well as adults need to be taught how to deal with it. Schools can't just stick kids in dark classrooms with no sound or "distractions" and get told to sit there to do a test because you disturb other students, teachers can't make fun of a student because they couldn't read a word properly. People need to be educated so honestly anyone who reads this should go educate themselves by watching connordewolfe's videos on TikTok, and if you think you have ADHD then go get diagnosed and don't let anyone tell you that you are making it up and just lazy. Oh and parents, please listen to your children and don't make them feel the same way I did. Its your job to help and protect them so do it right or don't do it at all. I really felt like this needed to be said I hope I didn't bore anyone😂💚💚

#living with adhd #adhd symptoms #adhd problems #connordewolfe #sorry for the rant #my rants

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chimaerabutt · 3 years

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My problems with nerve pain in the evenings are getting worse. I still don’t know the cause.

It’s been about a year now, maybe slightly longer since the nerve pain started. It’s intermittent when it does happen and I first noticed it in my hands and feet. There was never any weakness and it was general pain vs the tv static pain you’d normally think of. It usually followed the edge of fingers, toes, etc, and the knife of my hand or foot. When it first started I was terrified, as my dad is both diabetic and has MS, but I’ve not experienced any other common symptoms of either.

It also only happened when laying down or slouching down in my chair in the evenings.

At first I figured it was just related to one of my many hyper mobility induced injuries (my left shoulder has frozen three times and both shoulders click a lot and are prone to adhesions. I’m in general prone to strain injuries from overextending or moving weird. Adhd is great.) and stretching / yoga seemed to relieve my symptoms for a while as long as I maintained it daily.

Recently it started getting worse again. Night before last I woke up with the backs of my thighs hurting in the same way, and no matter what I did I couldn’t make it stop. It kept me awake until I gave up, got up, showered… I wasn’t able to attempt sleep again until 5 am.

Last night I woke the same way around 2 am. I rolled to my back after determining laying on either side would induce the leg issues and then… my whole right arm, part of my chest, and my TONGUE went faintly numb and tight feeling. I experienced weakness in my arm accompanying this for the first time. This is the first time it’s been numbness instead of just pain, as well.

Diet, amount of sleep, hydration, etc, don’t seem to have any effect. Stretching doesn’t seem to help anymore. This is kind of scary. ._.

And I can’t afford a doctor so I guess I just get to live with it !

#text post #rant #ayeaka shut up

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redandfranticfeelings · 5 years

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okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique.

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

#be more chill #bmc #actuallyautistic #autistic headcanons #long post #be more neurodivergent #queue are so busted

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nicoletterogers · 4 years

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task eight - high school never ends

( tw: adhd mention )

[ soundtrack ]

Let’s start with the simple stuff first. what classes did you take in high school? which ones were you most and least excited for? did you have a favorite teacher that made the days more enjoyable?

Nic propped her leg up on a chair, leaning in as she listened to the question. People never wanted to talk about high school--brought up bad memories for some. Some just didn’t care. Not for Nic--comparatively, high school was a good part of her life. She preferred college, but she didn’t hate her last years in the public school system. The blonde shrugged. “Well, I mean--I had to take the core classes, y’know? But my high school was big enough where we had a lot of really cool electives in all sorts of subjects--like I once took a class called ‘American History through Music”’and that was sick as fuck. I also took one on the World Wars. I liked history a lot back then. I guess I still do--but I don’t have a lot of time to sit and learn anymore. That’s why I’m big on documentaries. I mean, yeah, Liam of course--but also I like learning.” She paused, humming while she thought about her classes. “I hated English. Like what a pointless class--why would you have to learn about a language that you already speak? I mean, yes, i know, it’s not actually important. I think Lia has shared with me a few times the joy of what words mean--but i don’t know. I just never could figure out why anyone would want to spend more time than they had to writing papers or reading books. Maybe if i had taken a creative writing course or two--but nah. Give me AP Gov any day--or even trig. I was good at trig.” She paused. “Nah, teachers liked Liam. He was charismatic and charming, good at sitting and listening. School was never hard for me, but I didn’t possess the talent of sitting still for very long. I think I was...a sophomore in college when I first got diagnosed with ADHD. Did you know that ADHD often shows up different in women than men?” Nic nodded. “Yeah--its wild. Girls are significantly less likely to get a diagnosis growing up, which means that their symptoms go untreated and unsupported for crazy long periods of time--like sometimes 20 years. I think that’s why I really struggled in English--because the subject didn’t interest me and like hell i could just sit there and read something. But nah, teachers and I never bonded. Which is fine because I still did well in school. It just took some extra effort.”

and now, outside of the classroom. did you participate in any extracurricular activities like sports, band, or other clubs? were you apart of the prom planning committee or did your parent always sign up to chaperone field trips? or did you bolt home or to work at the end of the day?

“Oh hell yes. I was all about the extracurriculars. I did archery, cheerleading--don’t laugh--worked on the school newspaper for a year, managed the lacrosse team for a year, volunteered to be a mentor for incoming freshman and, of course, worked. Anything to stay out of my house. I mean, I loved Liam but my dad and I are like oil and water. He wanted me to be like Liam so badly--and I just...couldn’t. One, I wasn’t a guy--and that was disappointment enough for him. But I wasn’t Liam and spending time around dad just...it was so much pressure. So I tried to focus my time elsewhere. and I liked being busy--my brain enjoyed that piece. It was like my environment finally matched how fast my brain was working. Even cheerleading--the sport that made me a wear a skirt--was fun. Because nothing is better than proving a bunch of stupid high school boys that yes, cheerleading is a sport. a hardcore, badass sport. But if I had to pick a favorite, it would be archery. I think it’s because I got to teach it to the kiddos at camp later on, but also--like how powerful is it to be able to pull back on a bow and let an arrow fly through the sky and get a bullseye? Like it’s badass.” Nic grins at the memory. “Oh, and then seeing those kids at camp--especially the ones who struggle with who they are and their self-confidence--light up when they hit the target? the pride they have in themselves for something they’ve done? That shit’s an unreal high.”

a night to remember. did you go to prom? if so, did you have a date or fly solo, and was it a good time where you danced all night, and what were you wearing? if not, did you have an ‘anti-prom’ party, or why else did you decide not to go? what about other school dances or pep rallies?

The blonde lets out a laugh and nods, thinking about the memory. “Oh yeah-- I definitely went to prom. I mean, I think I was always going to--but I don’t think I anticipated having a date. And definitely not winning prom queen, but that’s Malik for you. The kid was like the closest thing to a celebrity in school--I mean, I think so. He was the star jock and you know how high schoolers get about their sports. But no, Malik and I are good friends--super close. I love that guy, he’s such a good one. So of course I was going to say yes when he asked me to go with him. I’m pretty sure half of my squad was jealous, but like...that whole thing never made sense to me. The whole jealousy thing.” It sure as hell does now though. She thought bitterly, her own situation appearing back in her mind. “Anyway, we went as friends. I didn’t expect to win prom queen--hell, i didn’t even know people knew who I was. Weirdest experience ever to put a tiara on. But honestly--prom was kinda fun. Not kinda, I really enjoyed it. Malik and I did end up kissing, but it was one of those kisses where you realize, at the end of it, you’re way better off as friends than anything more? Not that the kiss was bad, not at all.” She laughed, shaking her head. “I wore this red dress with a slit up the side and I had never in my entire life though I’d wear something like that. It looked good though. Like really good. All that cheerleading paid off I think.” Another chuckle came out of her lips. “As for pep rallies-- I was in them so of course I was there. And I liked the energy of them. I’ve always liked big energy spaces--concerts, pep rallies, sporting events. It feels like--at least for a moment--you’re all connected by something greater than yourself. Maybe that’s like my church. I don’t know. But yeah, I liked pep rallies.”

some more of the hard hitting q’s. who did you sit with at lunch? did you keep the lock off your locker or decorate it? were your headphones always snaked through your sneeve? was cutting class a normal occurrence or would you never dare? did you ever get detention?

“I mean, I don’t think I was ever popular--but I always had a place to sit with someone. It was either with Liam and his friends--I guess they were also my friends, but I met them through Liam so it’s hard for me to associate them as just mine. Sometimes with my squad, but not often. I didn’t care for the dramatics of dates and boys and clothing talk. But every so often we had a good discussion on things that I did care about--sometimes it was on women’s rights, though that was a lot of Sammi repeating what her mother told her about feminism (not that it was wrong, but it wasn’t Sammi’s words, that was sure) or the fact that child workers were making the clothing they had talked about the previous day. I liked those conversations the best. But even still, it was usually me shooting the shit with Liam and our friends. I loved those guys so much, y’know? I still keep in touch with a lot of them--some have families, some just got married. In fact, I am going to Tate’s wedding in a couple weeks. Its so weird to think they’re just now getting married and...” She trailed. Maybe now wasn’t the time for that thought. “Detention? Oh yeah. Me and Mrs. Huxley were good pals by graduation. Mostly it was about cutting class--but everyone once in a while she’d catch me with a...special someone in an empty hallway. Ok, so it only happened twice and I never told Liam because he’d kill me if he knew. So I guess,” She looked up at the sky and chuckled lightly. “Surprise?”

upward and onward. what did you want to be when you were sixteen? was there a career path in mind, a certain college, another route worth taking? were you excited to see your high school in the rearview mirror or was moving on bittersweet? if you graduated, was it scary or exciting or a mix of both? did you end up where your younger self expected you to?

"Well, when I was really little, I wanted to be a sideline reporter for the Bears. Or a commentator for the Cubs. Something to do with sports, absolutely. I could never imagine leaving this city--not in a million years. Even at 31, the city still surprises me daily and i love that fact the most. You never know who you’re going to meet--its a giant present box you wake up in every morning. How could anyone want to leave that?” She grinned, tapping her foot. “But at 16 I think I had let go of that dream and set my sights on the Academy. Police academy. I did, briefly, think about enlisting. Thought that if I wanted to break stereotypes and gender roles, I could make a huge splash in the military. But something about that whole world--I couldn’t take the plunge. I think I wanted to support my community, keep them safe, make my home a home for all.” She sighed. “So I was going to be a cop. Plus Liam was already doing that and I couldn’t let him have all the hero glory.” She winked, smirking. “I stayed in state--in city--for school, saved me some money and I already knew the area. In fact, I didn’t really ever leave Chicago. Which, makes me small minded to some i’m sure--but why do I need to leave when the world seems to flock to chicago? Just because I never lived anywhere else doesn’t mean I haven’t been challenged to grow.” Nic shrugged. “But yeah, like I said college was probably my favorite time in my life. Like hands down. I mean how could it not be? Killed the beer pong scene, met all sorts of great people, honed my skee ball skills even more, learned some awesome things, found the love of my life--got married.” It was so much simpler at 20. So much simpler. When did everything go so wrong? “Yeah, sorry--this was about high school. Uhm--wait, what was the question again?”

and last but not least. if you could tell your younger self one thing - what would it be?

“You’re a strong cookie, Nic. Life is going to wreck you down to your core but don’t ever think it’ll destroy you. You’re too damn stubborn to let that happen--and that is not a bad thing.”

#tw adhd #malnatitask #[[wake up sunshine; headcannons]]

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xopheliasunflowerx · 5 years

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So my confession, I didn’t want to hold it back so yeet (long as)

This shit is long, it explains my disorder, some personal symptoms and stories and explains the disorder. You probably won’t read it all, I wouldn’t either but that’s me, I tried not to offend anyone and not everyone does the same thing! Please be respectful if you have a problem PM me

So I have ADHD, and it’s hard to live with. ADHD stands for Attention-Decfict/Hyperactivity Disorder, it’s an attention difficulty with hyperactivity and impulsiveness. ADHD is a ‘neurodevelopmental’ disorder, meaning it’s the brain function. The symptoms can be different in everyone but I’ll name the common ones (I’ll also explain my personal symptoms too)

The Behaviour side: aggression, excitability, fidgeting, hyperactivity, impulsivity, irritability, lack of restraint, repetitive or words/actions.

Cognitive side (memory): absent-mindedness, trouble focusing, forgetfulness, problem paying attention, short attention span.

Mood: anger, anxiety, boredom, excitement and mood swings

It’s also common to have a learning disability with it (which I do) meaning you have to explain things more clearly than already. And depression, meaning you can have depression without having a reason, or you just over think the negatives and think it’s true. As I am diagnosed with ADHD I can easily be depressed just by a simple thing really, for you it may sound dumb but it’s true. I wouldn’t call us ‘attention seekers’ but we sort of are I guess as I want attention but not in a way that we want it. I don’t really know how to explain it but we want attention but we draw attention to ourselves and create a huge mess, well I’m not sure with others but I do.

So these are some of the symptoms explained and some of my personal ones.

You can be distracted easily and absent-minded, which I do. And it’s hard because I have to learn stuff but sometimes it doesn’t make sense and I always ask to be explained to me again and they get frustrated when I don’t get it which is explainable but it makes me feel really upset about it. Like for example I’ll play a game, I had difficulty with Batman: Arkham Knight Riddler race tracks, there was one where you had to glide to click a button but I never understood how. I would get angry and frustrated then finally give up. I did eventually did it and now it’s easy but even the simple things can be difficult to do. I can’t pronounce some words (mainly because something caused that which I won’t explain) and it’s very hard. Math is hard, as it can be for others but I could never do it I would have teachers and students explain to me but I’ll be there like what? I had a tough time with my 3 time tables back in year 5 (fifth grade) and now I’m 18 and I just learnt them (simply because of work) and I’m pretty proud.

I have difficulty in focusing on what needs to be done like writing for an example, I read that people with ADHD can be into something like obsessed then only focus on that (which is me writing for certain people) then we suddenly get bored of it and move on to something else. I get bored very easily that’s why I don’t write as much because I’m bored of writing the same character with some what similar scenarios that’s why I’ve been less writing. It sucks, because I really do wanna write but I can’t be bothered to do or so. Also it can be very hard on focusing on something else rather than the task at hand, we would get distracted by anything, a window, door, pen anything. So I would leave my task unfinished because I have no interest in finishing (a lot of imagines are unfinished because I just can’t be bothered to finish them) and when I do finish they are rushed and unorganised (as having ADHD we are very unorganised and messy my room for an example is a mess).

We would also avoid task that we don’t want to do, like a simple chore or homework. I never did my homework never I never studied either like I never knew how to study and it just bored me, and I would get distracted easily. I would get distracted by the colours of my highlighters and just draw instead. You might be wondering how did you not get a detention? You’re probably not but I’ll tell you anyway, I would say I forgot it or I would never go to detention and I would always hide.

I happen to forget a lot, it’s terrible really I also happen to lose things very easily. So when I mis place something I get frustrated easily because I remember putting something somewhere else. Like example, when painting I happen to put my rubber (eraser) somewhere say it’s next to me for an example then when I’m looking for it I can’t find it and I get annoyed. Then I find it and I go back to what I’m doing. That happens A LOT! I did it last night with lip cream I put it on my bed and I went for a shower then suddenly it’s gone, I can’t remember where I put it. Memory isn’t my friend. It’s hard having a memory of a literal gold-fish because we need to remember stuff especially if it involves something important or family/friends, like I keep forgetting how old my parents are and when my dad’s birthday is which is terrible.

I happen to fidget a lot, it’s annoying for most people but it’s something for me to be distracted by. No fidget spinners are not something I fidget with, they’re not right for me anyway. I usually fidget with my hair (I twirl my fingers with it) a pen or I drum my fingers against something. People mistake that I’m nervous when really I’m not, I even got threaten by my teacher that she’ll cut my hair if I continued twirling my hair (which I actually don’t remember that). But you can tell when someone with ADHD is nervous, reading facial expressions and if they’re shaking like if they’re playing with their fingers watch carefully are they shaking, sweaty, also if it’s sort of faster than usual. I would drum my fingers against my thighs in a fast pace when I’m nervous. Also usual symptoms for nervousness, lip biting, no eye contact, looking around the room, is common too (well as I do it). I was having a very bad anxiety when I saw well... I wouldn’t call him my boyfriend because we’re not dating so uh significant other maybe coming into my friends car as we were picking him up. I was nervous as hell, because well I didn’t shower, didn’t brush my hair or teeth (because I was sleeping over at a friends house unexpectedly) and I usually get nervous around him. I tapped my fingers against my thighs to calm myself, I looked around then stared at the window. He then grabbed my hand and squeezed it to comfort me, I then played with his fingers to distract myself once again.

Now this one really pisses people off, I repeat what I say only because I don’t remember telling people before. I would tell a story to a friend and then they’ll say yeah you already told me that. I get all awkward and embarrassed about it feeling super dumb for repeating it, I only recently found out that’s a symptom for having ADHD and I’m actually surprised because I thought it was just me. But I understand that it’s clearly annoying for others to hear the same thing over and over again. I don’t mean to repeat myself, and I feel so dumb when I do but my memory just likes to leave a lot. Forgetfulness is horrible when you’re in a relationship too, like I told him (significant other) my middle name and I never knew I did until I actually found the messages and I told him again like three weeks after I felt really stupid, but he didn’t say anything and he just stared at me weirdly.

So being ADHD is a mess, we can’t organise for shit. I probably already explained this but there’s a symptom of me having ADHD. I would be ready and organised for writing then suddenly it turns out something way worse than I imagined it to be which is why I take SOOOOO LONG writing. I have some friends with OCD and I find it hilarious just to annoy the shit outta them, they won’t come to my house anymore because of my room. So when I find out someone has OCD I’m a bully to them, but I only move things around imperfectly and then I stop for awhile then I do it again. I only do it for fun not just to be mean, they get back at me in their own ways. Like a guy at work who is 6’3 teases me about my height 5’2 which I don’t really care, because i then pull out the mustard packet and put it into the ketchup packets which annoys him, he gets me back by saying how forgetful I am.

So when talking to me in person is a difficult task, I would see your lips move but I won’t hear anything as I just space out, I try to pay attention but I just can’t. I would ask them to repeat it for me and then I would listen sometimes. This is annoying to me and everyone, someone would ask me to grab something and I would ask them to repeat themselves like three times until I finally understood what they wanted. Happened yesterday someone wanted pancake lids but I heard pancakes so I thought they wanted me to wrap them up or get more until he told me again which I felt so stupid about it and I finally got them. I apologised but they’re already frustrated with me and customers so yeah. It’s hard, it’s not a hearing thing we just zone out. We try to listen we do, it’s not our fault. It’s harder in relationships but I don’t think I’ve been in a longer relationship to experience that, I also don’t tell them my disorder until i’m comfortable or I need to.

So about that forgetfulness, we also forget to do stuff daily. I forget to eat because I’d be so distracted in something my hunger just jumps out the window. And recently it’s been happening a lot and it’s been worrying some of my close friends and my significant other. But I do feed myself, sometimes it’s motivation to get up and eat and I don’t cook so that’s another reason I don’t eat much. I sound stubborn but it’s true, I do eventually eat when I remember and I eat then I forget later. I don’t have a eating disorder it’s just remembering to eat as we’re distracted. Also I don’t know if this happens to other people with ADHD but when I’m off medication I usually eat a lot and when I’m on it I rarely eat (but I eat). That happened when I was younger now I either eat or don’t when I’m off medication.

Lack of sleep is a big one, I thought I had insomnia but I found it it’s just my ADHD again, there’s no surprise there. Reason we rarely sleep because of that hyper is still kicked in, for me it gets worse at night as I tend to be more active and hyper at night. The mind keeps going as we’re trying to sleep and random thoughts like to come up so we’re always on the internet searching the most random things. So we’re lucky to have five hours of sleep, the most. I did have sleeping medication but they would usually take awhile to kick in and I just barely took them because there’s no point. They would knock out anyone else as my mum took them but they would just work on me.

We would talk more than usual, yes that’s a thing. We talk a lot, we can also change the subject randomly without a warning. So saying we’re talking about dogs then suddenly we change the subject to how does ovens work. We also interrupt others when speaking but we don’t mean to, I would immediately apologise for the intrusion and then go back to being quiet. We can be quiet at points, which could scare some people but we’re just thinking or being distracted by a squirrel or something. We talk a lot when we’re excited about something, when I’m obsessed with something I want to talk to someone about it but they don’t as I’ve already spoken to them about it a lot. Having an obsession is hard because you want to talk to someone about it but when you do you don’t want to talk about that obsession anymore. Yes we easily change obsessions a lot, like last year I was obsessed with Gotham and Teen Wolf And Riverdale, I lost interest in Riverdale there was too much and the first season was better in my opinion. I then got into Detroit Become Human and I loved it, then I got into Harry Potter. Now I’m currently into Spider-Man and the Avengers because WHY NOT!

So I’m gonna list some smaller symptoms that you probably didn’t know but meh. So there’s no such thing as sugar rush or having a hyper mode when you have coffee or staying up late because of it, it doesn’t exist. Because we’re already hyper and active that sugar and caffeine doesn’t effect us at all, but we would get a rush on something else mine was Red Doritos, I would get hyper when I ate those, I don’t now which is good. I forgot my other one which sucks I’ll probably edit it later and add it on. AH YES MOODSWINGS, we have bad mood swings. We’ll be happy then the next thing we’re upset. I think it’s because we’re always day dreaming and absent-minded we can think of the negative things which I do a lot. I end up going through a break down thinking of how much I hate myself, no one loves me, my friends are using me. Dreams also doesn’t help, I had a dream where my significant other asked out my friend which hurt me so much, I didn’t confront him about it because he’s in a different country and the service there is terrible and I don’t want to annoy him with my problems. When in a relationship I always doubt them because of my negative thinking, like why are they dating me, are they using me, are they cheating on me, what hurts most is that they’re not yours and you’re questioning if you can trust them. I told him I have ADHD, but I don’t think he knows what it means, which I will be asking when I see him again (as texting could make it worse) and I want to explain to him. I don’t like to talk seriously with him as we’re only seeing each other but I feel like we need to talk about it, and yes I avoid it and he can always tell that there’s something wrong so I do explain it but I feel like we’re not dealing with it permanently. It also doesn’t help that we’re distant, because it makes it worse and my questioning more severe. I feel like I’m taking it too much and drawing attention to myself simply because of that consent worrying and we’re not dating but he has his reasons and I have mine. Now I’m going off topic about ADHD, but that’s what our negative thinking can turn into. With that it’s harder to make friends and fit in, I couldn’t have just one friend, because I get annoyed with one person for awhile and I try to distant myself from them without explaining and I feel guilty afterwards, It sounds horrible yes but we get bored and want to hang around with others. I haven’t done it in a long time which I’m proud but we do want to hang out with others or just to be alone, we want a new adventure. We do appreciate our alone times, as we’re always day dreaming and just need that peace to relax. But yes we get bored easily of it.

The good parts of having ADHD, there are some good parts, we’re very creative as we’re always day dreaming we create ideas and so on. I find it weird because my star sign is Pisces and I find it weird that having ADHD, and as Pisces are extremely creative and I am but they also day dream a lot which I do. I don’t know I found it weird that Pisces and ADHD are some what similar but aren’t. We see things differently, we look at a plan wall and wonder what would it look like if we threw colours or sparkles on it. We make the simple things into art, and it’s actually easier to write in detail as we can just imagine it. Writing isn’t an issue when you have an idea it’s actually really fun, it just motivation to finish it. Some people can’t think when they’re listening to music, well I can I can think clearly with the sound blasting through my ears, I imagine a scenario sometimes with the song, just depends on the song and who with.

So living with ADHD can be difficult in daily life, but is also useful. It sucks yes, but I’m glad I have it I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of having it but it does help me, well sometimes I guess. I do find the things where I mis place, I do get over my overthinking, and I do eventually remember things. I wish people would do research before judging an ADHD person, we’re not just hyper as everyone thinks we are there’s more to it. If you notice the little things we do you would actually begin to recognise a pattern and connect a dot that those are our symptoms and beware of those in the future. I probably didn’t add a lot of other symptoms but you can research those, I did because I wanted to know. Having ADHD isn’t just an excuse either, it’s a explanation of why we can’t do certain things, I hope some of you understand that. And yes we can be frustrating a lot but take your time with us, we can be patient and if you tell us that we’re making you frustrated and please explain why, we might get angry or upset but that’s us we can’t help it. We will slowly get there, and if we fall we always pick ourselves back up because that’s they way we are taught. I’m sorry for rambling lol just needed to get this off my chest ya know.

#adhd #attention defecit hyperactivity disorder #mental illness #disorders #my expriences #adhdlife #adhd things

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capricious-passions2 · 5 years

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I like to think I 'Headcannon' my parents as Neurodivergent

In my immediate family of eight, only one of my sisters is obviously neurotypical, with my youngest brother hard to confirm at age one.

So it makes me think that all this is just rampant in our genes. Both extended sides are pretty interesting and have had difficulties and issues that - when I compare to anyone else? I realize can be seen as more intense. And I also had a sister with Down Syndrome, who died of health complications after less than a month.

I think my mom has ADHD. And that my dad is Autistic. It would make sense why they got together - its that ND jedi sense that we've all got towards each other. But the trouble is - they'd both find that laughable. Especially my dad.

On top of that, all this time I've been exploring my divergence - realizing I'm on the spectrum, and getting diagnosed with ADHD - I've been talking about it with my mom. I think there's been a lot of - 'so you do this, which is different from this ... okay.' But if she has ADHD too, that just complicates things. And I really think there's been a lot of instances where I describe something, and she reacts along the lines of - but I do that too, it's just normal. Because no. It's not ... 'normal.' But it is us.

My mom gets that I've got ADHD, and my other younger sister does, and my other younger brother does - and that we're all so different. All our symptoms show up so differently. And parenting is parenting - ADHD or not - we've all needed to be treated different ways based on our personalities.

We’ve all been working really hard to work around each other’s preferences. To consider each other’s feelings. To be supportive for the different people we are.

On the one end. We’ve been working really hard together without all the information when we didn’t consider being neurodivergent. Part of the issue at times was just needing to be kind to ourselves. There’s a whole neurotypical world out there, that doesn’t have these setbacks, who we could harshly compare ourselves and each other to. Learning about things like Executive Function helped me feel more confident standing up for my ‘failings’ that weren’t actually failings. But even before I found out I was neurodivergent, I could always feel like I tried my hardest, and I shouldn’t put myself down for still seeming to fall short. And I refused to at least not let anyone else do it, that was for sure. Now I have a name for it. Now I can get at these issues with a much more accurate point. But even for the rest of my family who doesn’t like to consider any of this - we all get that we should try to treat each other well, and that it will look different for each of us - and that it’s more of a fundamental understanding of being kind. Not all of it is just our neurodivergences.

So even if my siblings, or my aunts or uncles, or my grandparents - even if my mom and dad just stay ‘headcannons.’ The real point is just keeping an eye out for the best way to be supportive.

#actuallyadhd #actuallyautistic #actuallyneurodivergent #actuallynd #executive dysfunction #family

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stigmaandadhd · 3 years

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Stigma and ADHD medication

The first stigma I will be talking about is the people who think that those who have been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and are taking medication have an unfair advantage. I have had so many people, people I am close friends with even, tell me how “lucky” I am that I get to take my medication and that I’m “lucky” because it helps me concentrate and be able to study longer... How am I the lucky one?! My brain essentially doesn’t have enough dopamine being transported to my brain and my mood is constantly unstable. Not only do I hate taking this medication because of the way it makes me feel but I’m sure there are some long term health effects of taking medication because I am literally taking a methamphetamine. It is ultimately not an unfair advantage because people with ADHD/ADD have to implement so many other things into their lives in order to complete tasks that should be easily completed. It is the most frustrating thing when you go to start working on something and you have all of the things you need to write but your brain virtually will not let you focus and finish the task at hand. I wish more than anything to be able to just sit down and get something that should really only take me about two hours to finish

The second stigma is “Oh you’re just being lazy and unmotivated so you take your medication to make up for your laziness.” This is in fact the complete opposite of what is true. I am actually very motivated and not lazy whatsoever. It does indeed take me about two times that time that it takes a normal person to complete an assignment and the fact that I have now made it through my seventh year of university says otherwise especially when I am still meeting the same deadlines as everyone else. People also just like to make the assumption that ADHD/ADD is some made up thing and that people are just using it as an excuse to get out of doing things. It’s so hard for people to accept that this is a condition and that the use of medication isn’t the only thing that people who have ADHD/ADD use as a tool. My medication not only helps me better focus on things that I need to do like school work but it has made it easier for me to implement other rituals such as organization into my everyday life. It is not just medication that people with ADHD/ADD take to help alleviate and deal with the ‘symptoms’.

Stigma against the medication itself because it is classified as a methamphetamine. Obviously methamphetamine is a scary word because it is it the same thing that meth and cocaine are made out of. I remember when I had first told my parents the diagnosis and what I needed to take to help, they were both very hesitant about it and rightfully so. ADHD/ADD medication therefore gets associated with party drugs and ultimately seen as a harmful thing to be putting into your body. People also have the assumption that once you start taking this kind of medication you will become addicted and become a drug addict. I’ve had my dad send me emails about “studies” done on the long-term impacts of taking this medication and how it affects peoples personalities, makes them angrier and a bunch of other things. Obviously I’m aware of all of these things and after talking to my doctor and checking up on how the medication is working for me (EVERY TWO MONTHS MIGHT I ADD). I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about having to take a medication that I really truly believe I need to take to function sufficiently and be able to keep up with the expectations of daily life tasks. My daily life tasks right now are getting through my undergrad, so yes I will continue to take my medication and if I feel like once I am done school I no longer need to take it, then I will stop taking them. But for the meantime, I plan to continue taking them because they ultimately help me. What people seem to not realize is that these drugs are made to help those with ADHD/ADD focus better and isn’t just a ‘fun’ drug to take. In fact there is nothing really fun about taking them. I’m not trying to minimize the effects that taking these medications can have on ones body. There are days that I wish I could just stop taking it but then I remember how far I’ve come and the significant impact that taking my medication has had. I can totally see why some people think that taking medication is just a scape goat and people are just trying to alleviate their issues and make everything ‘easier’ by taking a pill every morning. But like I said in the last post, there are so many rituals and things that I have implemented to my life as well as taking medication to help ease my ADHD. My pill isn’t going to just simply make everything better it just makes that process a little bit better. The assumption that this medication is just a filler drug and an easy way to get your attention span, motivation and laziness under control is just ridiculous.

Side effects of taking stimulant medication. With any medication there are going to be negative side effects to the drug. But again because this medication is classified as a methamphetamine it is going to be grouped in together with the street drugs. Side effects such as come downs, skin picking, weight loss, irritability and many more to name go hand in hand with taking this medication. However, for me personally, not taking my medication significantly outweighs the negative side effects. When you first start taking the medication everything is heightened, especially the negative side effects. I would wake up in the morning first thing and take my pill and then make myself a latte and I would as a result have absolutely no appetite at all. Even just looking at food for the first few months made me feel ill. Everyone has pet peeves whether they like to admit it or not, but unfortunately for me these were made much more prevalent and even more skin crawling than before. Being in the same room as someone else eating would make me so mad, I used to clench my fists because I would be so irritated and in many cases I wouldn’t be able to get away from the noise. This would cause me to become extremely flustered and irritable and the only thing I could focus on was getting away from the sound. I realize how crazy I sound but during those times it was almost unbearable and seemed virtually impossible to deal with. Thankfully a lot of these issues have subdued or I have implemented techniques into my life to help me deal with these problems. If this is the fun drug that everyone makes it seem to be then I am clearly missing out on it. Now seven years later of being on the same medication I don’t experience nearly as many side effects as I used to. I can assure you that there are negative side effects to probably virtually every single pharmaceutical drug out there but people choose to take them because the benefits of taking the drug oftentimes overweigh the negatives. So why should ADHD/ADD medication be so demonized?

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actuallyadhd · 7 years

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Hopefully supportive reply to the askers who need support

I have social anxiety so hum I didn’t want to reblog with advice is it okay to submit advice instead? Unless my advice is bad then please delete or something if you hum want.

“Anonymous’s Submission:

My bosses are getting on my case about my speed at work, and between my ADHD, medication that’s making me overheat, and various small physical ailments, I can’t actually meet the pace they want me to (I tried, and it made me sick). I’m in the process of looking for a new job, but I’m sorely tempted to quit this one even before I get another, better job, bc the stress is just awful. I don’t know how to make it clear to my bosses that I’m not as abled as I look :( ”

I am so sorry you are going through that. You are [not] defective for having small physical ailments and not being able to go super fast. You are doing the best you can and you are doing a good job! I am sorry your bosses cannot see that. If you decide to keep your job while looking for your other one, I recommend since it’s super stressful being belittled all the time do some things to soothe yourself maybe while your on break or at home. Maybe listen to your favourite songs, take bubble bathes and perhaps if you are not afraid of touch you could ask a friend or a social tie to message you or you could hug yourself and pat yourself on the back and say you did a good job today. You could also write yourself a letter or a small note to yourself everyday saying you did the best you can and maybe say some nice things to yourself to counter what your bosses are saying that you are doing the best you can to yourself. Unless you find talking to yourself or writing to yourself and hugging yourself is not for you. I do thin you deserve lots of self-care during this stressful job finding and still job doing while you are on the job. This belittling that you do not deserve because you are awesome, will pass or the stress of the new job and transition will pass. Until then when you are on break you deserve lots of pleasant comfy things or something. While we cannot always change people’s unappreciation of us or life’s daily stresses or some of them, that doesn’t mean we cannot appreciate ourselves or something.

“Anonymous’s Submission:

every time my being on medicine comes up in conversation, my mom ignores whatever the topic was and jumps to “do you really NEED all that stuff…? why don’t you stop taking it? i don’t think you really need it. what’s it doing for you anyways?” all i can do is avoid bringing it up- every little complaint about side affects/prices/different generics turns into her pressuring me to stop altogether.”

I am sorry your mom’s invalidating you. Perhaps you could send your mother links on the pills you are taking and how it benefits you and you could tell her while some people don’t need their pills, it helps you function. Does your mother have any developmental or mental disabilities? You could tell her that just because she doesn’t need pills to help her function doesn’t mean it’s not valid that you take your pills to function. Sending people links to things does not always seem to work for me. You could also tell her that you are glad she cares so much for you in your own way but you can make your own decisions and you know what’s best for you and that while she’s great at caring she’s not a doctor. Unless she is a doctor then you could tell her gently that she is not a physctirst and while she has- Where was I going with this? If you cannot change her mind at all, which is unfortunate, some of our loved ones can be stubborn- Perhaps you could take a deep breathe, maybe do some self-care activities before visiting her, maybe play your fav music in the background while she complains to you about you having to take your pills- not in your ears. I have done that once and my Uncle got mad at me- Or perhaps some comfy object or something squishy to squeeze or something- still interact with her, unless you don’t want to but you could use pleasant music and squeezing something to maybe make the conversations less unpleasant? Maybe? I am sorry if this isn’t good advice. Unfortunately my dad often belittles me for singing, laughing, being hyperactive and I cannot change him he’s very stubborn not that some people cannot change but unfortunately when my relatives or some of my relatives belittle me for my disabilities which is- though I guess it’s not quite the same since she’s belittling you for needing to take your meds? Where was.I going with this? You don’t deserve this unpleasantness of course but sometimes relatives will just stay being relatives or they won’t change so we have to cope with self-care and deep breathing and- I lost my train of thought sorry.

“adventureswithgracetopher’s Submission:

I need to get on my meds again, but I misplaced the card with my doctor’s number on it. I need to clean my room so I can find the card, but it’s hard to concentrate on cleaning without my meds.”

Would you be able to take the bus to the doctor’s office to get the phone number? I once tried to make an appointment or argued that my friend when we were at the doctor’s office when I was there with her for some reason, I don’t remember why, anyway I argued that she should be able to make the appointment right there and not have to call. But they disagreed with me. Would it be weird to go visit a drop in doctor’s office? Though would a new doctor you are only going to see once give you a prescription? And if you went to your regular doctor’s office by taking a bus or car would they give you the number or maybe an patient there? I think the reception might give it to you maybe.

If you cannot do all that are any friends or social ties or neighbours have any free time to help you clean your room and you could take them out for lunch, unless they want to do it for free and then maybe you will find it after hopefully one of those contacts could help you clean your room if they do. Sorry if this advice is bad.

“Anonymous’s Submission:

I feel like I’m losing interest in my relationship and it’s scaring me because I’m inlove but it’s slipping…”

Well there are always ways to fall in interest with someone again, don’t worry if you want to stay in the relationship there’s ways to fall in interest or in love with someone again. You could do new things together or maybe- maybe this is bad advice- I am sorry. I think I was trying to say is the relationship won’t nessarily end if you don’t want it too if you are losing interest, you still care about each other. Feelings can be intense sometimes and less intense other times, they won’t go away forever. You could do new things with friends if you want or- This might be bad advice. Sorry I lost track of what I was trying to say. The disinterest could pass though and increase again

“Anonymous’s Submission:

Only recently finding out all the symptoms to my Inattentive ADHD. I always thought certain things I did were just that. Things I did. Now, as an Adult, am I actually seeing these things for what they are. It’s surreal, but it brings certain things in perspective. It’s… freeing, in its own way, even if it scares me and makes me question certain things about myself. I’m glad I’m finally learning after 17~ years of only know it as the ‘I can’t pay attention’ illness.”

Knowledge about ourselves can be liberating, like when I learn more about my own adhd and things click in my head and know it’s not my fault my brain is wired that way and we are okay the way we are. I am glad you got this knowledge. What does it make you question about yourself? You don’t have to answer at all sorry for asking. It’s okay to not like having adhd sometimes. I have combined ADHD, and it can be difficult be inattentive and not finishing all my projects and hobbies and also start daydreaming when people are talking to me and then I feel bad. Hum what was I getting at? I think that it’s okay to doubt yourself or have questions or something.

notmyrealblogdonotfollow’s Submission:

I’ve had three meltdowns (bad ones, hyperventilating etc) in the last 24 hours!! There was a clear reason why the first one happened, but I’ve never had multiple in a row for the same problem??? Like I woke up this morning and almost immediately started hyperventilating, and that’s NEVER happened to me before. It’s so draining. I’m feeling better about the original problem now but I just don’t understand why this happened. I’ve had more upsetting problems, with more underlying stress, and only ever had one meltdown and then been ok the next day.“

Sometimes small things can seem really big in our brains and maybe our thoughts can blow things out of proportion. I have felt overwhelmed without realizing it. That can be draining I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It’s okay to be overwhelmed by something small, any kind of stress no matter how small, the ways it affects us is valid even if our reaction is really large. It’s okay. You deserve lots of comfy things and I hope those small upsetting things happen less. Your feelings are valid. It’s okay to have meltdowns multiple times though that stuff, or feeling overwhelmed can be scary. Sometimes even the littlest things can be overstimulating that’s okay, you aren’t week or anything.

I am sorry if any of this advice was bad or supportive comments. This got long sorry.

#submission #Actually ADHD #ADHD #Anon #Support Sunday

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podcastmecaptain · 7 years

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the stim bin

part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts , @podcastmecaptain , and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are equally responsible for the hijinks found in this post. today as well all three aforementioned dorks are neurodivergent folks writing about neurodivergent folks.

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates!

ALSO: things aren’t always showing up in the tags, so your most reliable bet is the aforementioned masterpost.

attention: all contents incredibly neurodivergent

everyone shares those fidget cubes

collectively they have like five

in so many colors

esther also designs a giant version that’s like. the size of a KEYBOARD and with lots more options and Bigger

jack builds it

they call it the stimboard deluxe

anthony has nintendo

sally brings him all her childhood games and watches him hyperfocus

sally and anthony were the first autistic friend each other had and they love sharing weird stuff from their childhoods that nobody else liked

they have a lot of overlap of interests and they spent so long without anyone like them who really got them

and they both feel so safe and loved not only with each other but with the whole gang because everyone’s neurodiv af even if they’re not sure in exactly what way

anthony brings notes everywhere

scribble scribble

Doing The Right Thing, Doing Science For Good is sort of his ruling philosophy

a lot of times it’s really easy to lead him down the wrong path if he thinks it’s Science For Good

he has some problems with gullibility

the pressure stimming is too real

PRESSURE! STIM! HUGS!

Big Coats or Lab Coats

fiddling with his glasses

he’s bad at artistic/creative things and just doesn’t get it. he can follow a pattern tho,

polish patterns work for him, especially with tape. he likes taking care of his nails because he’s v tactile, he likes the smooth feeling of the polish and likes tapping his nails

he either gets really anxious or angry about Bad things

breakdowns, breaking things, and weirdly quick recoveries

he could hug people for hours

he usually does if he’s had a panic attack, but other than that acts like he’s fine

canon says sally eats weird and has a disturbing appetite so like,

sally separating EVERY SINGLE FOOD by group and flavor and texture and then like putting one piece of one in her mouth at a time and keeps TALKING CAUSE SHE’S A DORK

other options:

SHREDS EVERYTHING AND EATS IT WITH A STRAW

eats only EXACTLY one quarter of anything at a time and forgets the rest

uses her hands for THINGS SHE SHOULD NOT

burnt things

she love the Cronch

puts things together that should not even touch

jack cries the day he sees her dip pickles in whipped cream and shove a fistful of blue cheese blissfully into her mouth immediately after that

sally’s special interests:

electronics, gadgets, tinkering, SCIENCE, beginning quantum physics, computers

stims by tinkering and uses voice recordings for vocal stims, plays with her hair and bites her nails, spinning, dancing, tapping tools

hands on everything

the dancing is so bad and uses her full body (it’s actually so cute)

is a bad driver bc she either hyperfocuses on the road or she starts TALKING and gets lost in anything BUT driving

sally wears her lab coat everywhere

she plays with the seams, runs the fabric between her fingers, tugs on the corners of it to create pressure on her shoulders

sometimes she spins in a circle just to let the fabric flap behind her like a cape

tags on clothing are EVIL

she takes them out with a seam ripper till there’s no traces

sallys clothes are always a little large and odd bc if they’re not comfy she Dies

no really she’ll end up in a ball somewhere crying because of sensory grossness

she has serious sensory processing issues

sometimes it’s really a Drag but she loves fiddling with things so much and it feels so good and she wouldn’t give it up for the world

she has a watch that sometimes she’ll make clicking noises along with the tick tick tick tick

lots more under the readmore!

sally is the queen of weighted blankets

she always has one readily accessible in case she needs to wrap up in it

the gang Knows this and they’re always asking her to borrow one

like one time esther texts sally like “help me im having sensory issues and i need hugs”

and sally turns up with not one but TWO heavy blankets

(she may have fallen over once or twice trying to carry both of them)

(just these two lil scurrying feet on skinny legs goin patpatpatpat supporting this huge bundle of extra-weighted bedding floating down the hall)

she wraps esther in them and then squeezes her, too

for good measure, sally gets up on her tippie toes and rests her chin on esther’s head

esther, muffled: “i am a burrito now”

sally: “a precious tiny gay burrito”

or, estherrito

bridget puts her in her phone contacts as ‘ettie burrito’

and sally in turn puts her in hers as ‘questherdilla’

also oh my god when will she Stop doing fingerguns with accompanying tongue clicks

sally talks to herself

she has a little wee tape recorder named Diane because Diane

its covered in stickers

she likes to record what she’s doing to organize herself and calm down

and she’ll replay them to process things

sometimes her friends will leave happy messages on there for her

or helen will sing her a little ditty

helen is the world’s best audio stim

her voice is just really soothing

she’ll sing absently and everyone just operates more smoothly for that minute

she likes singing for herself too

humming and tapping her instrument is a soothing habit

helen is very audio/vocal

she likes to play the same song over and over again

bridget has some issues with self image

she also has obsessive tendencies, sometimes related to organization and labeling things

but also related to literature and only being able to talk about whatever she’s into

sometimes it’s easier to quote things from her favorite books instead of replying in her own words

she doesn’t like things that are uneven or unbalanced

objects OR concepts that are unfair or unequal

(except her hair. her hair is badass and she’s okay with that kind of disunity)

esther’s adhd and her big stims are

high heel clicks on the floor when she walks

fancy & feminine clothes that make her feel secure

the ritual of putting on her makeup

pencils (tapping or twirling)

HER RINGS, she has three and she spins spins spins

she likes to rub the shaved side of bridget’s head

and run her fingers through the hair on the other side

she ALWAYS has her father’s old deck of cards with her, she’s shuffled them so many times they’re completely worn down, and no one is allowed to touch them but her

they’re very soft, she has a new pack as well for crisper sound/feeling and everyday use

sometimes she uses card games as lens to make sense of the world

she has a rough time with communication and a rough time with empathy but she’s trying to work on both of those

both come easier with people she’s close to and bridget is helping her some too

it’s easy for her to hyperfocus in class and doing homework, so it took them a while to diagnose her

out of all of them, esther is the best at reminding people to be organized and do self-care (tho she doesn’t always take care of herself)

she spends a lot of her time in her own head, she really values alone time, and she needs to recharge after she spends time around people

even people she loves

jack’s also adhd, had been diagnosed for a while and has almost all of the opposite symptoms as esther (which is another one of the reasons it took them so long to figure out esther)

jack always works better after he moves, if he runs a little or bounces a ball around or is shaking his legs, rocking on his heels

he makes lots of rolling rrr sounds and blows his lips when he’s frustrated

the pencil chewing ended in splinters and the pen chewing ended in ink all over so now he has a little necklace with a chewable shark

the sharks name is Fredrico

his binder is actually kinda helpful because it’s pressure

he screws and unscrews things a lot

actually taking apart and putting back together all machinery is a Big Thing

june is dyslexic

she has cute tinted glasses to help her with studying

sometimes helen reads stuff out loud for her, she doesn’t mind but june hates to ask

for her birthday quentin bought her a five sided highlighter to color code different things

she has some emotional processing issues

it’s easier to feel angry than anything else

& her methods of dealing with anger aren’t super healthy either

quentin is the only one who actually can manage himself

Quentin is a Hydrated Boy

(he has great skin)

quentin always comes across as super chill but that’s actually because he has hella anxiety and works really hard to manage it

penny is autistic and if june and helen are the dad and mom friends and esther is the gay cousin

then sally and anthony are the autistic aunt and uncle who adopt penny as their niece

they can spot one of their own from a mile off and just decided We Gonna Take Her Under Our Big Fluffy Damn Wings

penny is the Flappiest Autistic

big happy arm flaps, upset little hand flaps, her fast excited flaps are literally the best and most joyous thing

she’s always been kinda embarrassed and insecure about it but jack is so supportive

he’s only a moderate flapper but he often flaps with her when she does it

and he calls her his butterfly

this melts her heart and makes her feel happy and not weird and when this happens she is prone to flapping even harder

she calls him her moth

they’re precious fluttery darlings

sometimes when they both get going, sally joins in too and they all spin around the room fluttering in a big flappy tornado

it’s Good

#ars placement #ars paradoxica #sally grissom #esther roberts #anthony partridge #helen partridge #june barlowe #jack wyatt #bridget chambers #quentin barlowe #penny wise #estherroberts #lizzieraindrops #high school au #modern au #neurodivergent #actually autistic #nd headcanons

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topicprinter · 5 years

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I don't want the title to sound like I'm attempting to write some epic series. I'm more surprised than anything that the first post was so well received. I think subconsciously I hoped it would sink and that I would have scratched my itch.As it does seem to be helping a few of though and I did say I'd keep writing if it helped, I feel the need for at least a couple more posts and I'll hopefully take the time to answer some of the comments individually on the previous one.To continue then, here is a 'Don't- Do- Don't' sandwich to keep the positive and negative even.I'm certainly not bashing on entrepreneurship, far from it. I really do think everyone that has the desire in them should start something- I'm just really concerned for others that feel they have to start something in the way and with the aim that other people are telling them to.I've jotted down 4 more Don'ts and a handful of Do's here. As I mentioned in my previous post on here- I personally think that by scaling back your ambitions and intentions, focussing on the tiniest actions and letting go of too much need for a return on your efforts you are far more likely to either do something a little worthwhile that you can benefit from or even surpass these humble goals with something closer to your unrealistic goal than you would otherwise.Apologies in advance again if I hit anyone too close to the bone and please bear in mind that I have probably been there.(Side note: On browsing through yesterdays comments I think there are some people that could do with a 30 or 60 day detox from self help. Don't tell yourself you're quitting them forever- just swinging the control in the relationship with your books and authors back in your favour)Two More Don't Do's for the Day.So yesterday I touched on the Don't Do's of 'Aiming for the Stars', 'Looking for too much advice', 'Desperation towards starting a business/ Lack of patience' and 'Overthinking'.I genuinely think if you avoid them you'll do better than not. To build on them and go a little deeper here's what I have maybe done and didn't work or have closely observed in the people in my circle (ie happy, decently off, mostly non millionaires although there are a few).Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously (or be too hippy confident)I don't know what it is with us when we start out on this journey but I think it's the innocent care free child inside us hiding from this new scary creature we're trying to mould ourself into.Depending on who your'e copying, you may naturally start to try and emulate them. Most stereotypical famous entrepreneurs (not all btw) are either quite aggressive/ arrogant or quite 'know it all-ey'. From what I recall anyway.They're either strutting and yelling and power shaking the soul out of people or they're trying to come across as some type of hippy wizard who just 'knows' everything and can see round corners.Again, to compare that to the people I personally know- they are far more ordinary than any of the personalities- they're far less intense barring a bit of good old enthusiasm.I can't quite think of how to describe the ones I know but one thing that covers it is that they are all great to socialise with and good at parties, I can imagine the ones I haven't been to a party with are also.I don't mean they are the life and soul by any means- some of them are found with me in the kitchen or corner- what I mean is that they'll talk about varying and interesting things, will bang out a few dad jokes or take the p!ss out of others and themselves.They like a laugh an most of them did before they made it.Every single one of them has a pretty involving hobby/ interest outside fo their work or business (I've now written a list/ mind map of these people to help me write about them!) and I wouldn't describe a single one of them as intense or preachy.Actually come to think of it- I believe deep down that a lot of them come across as being aware how lucky and possibly average they are.This was a big realisation I came to myself prior to 'doing well' and I now feel better in myself with this opinion.- Lighten up, chill out, put more effort into your hobbies and outside interests (or get one), laugh; and enjoy life a bit more.Dont try to find Opportunity Everywhere- Don't Think of everything as a potential business.Bear with me on this one.A few years ago, after harassing my health service for several years prior to get me in front of a shrink to diagnose me with the Adult ADHD I 'knew' I had, I was finally aloud to go in for some tests- the lovely Indian lady doctor told me the reason I kept getting into a funk of lack of focus, indecision and spiralling 'anxiety' (which has similar symptoms- more on this later) was partly due to the fact that I had Seasonal Affective Disorder (and partly due to the fact that I was sadly desperate for success- she knew!)I was told by her to get a blue light and try mindfulness. Of course I took that as 'become a meditation teacher who's not into the woo woo and open a centre' and 'start a specialised website that provides advice to sufferers of SAD and sells blue lights etc'.I then went home, looked up all the keyword search volumes and started to analyse the competition- I felt sick when I realised the lo and behold someone had beaten me to it... by at least 20 years. The keywords were really competitive and it just wasn't worth it.I begrudgingly bought a light from the top result and when it came I think I kinda hoped it was crap.These last few winters I've actually used the blue light in the mornings and feel far better this time of year than I ever remember.I know that many of us that are naturally drawn to entrepreneurship are problem solvers, opportunity grabbers and make things betterers but we only have so much creative energy and decision making juice in us each day.By looking at every damn object or service we come across as something that we 'could get into', it drains our radar and puts everything into the same swamp of ideas.I think it's better to be more of a disregarder- again Im sure that the people I know know this.I've personally found that the businesses that have happened for me were a bit like with me and my wife. The first few encounters were random, meaningless events... we spent a little time together and took things slowly with no agenda. Then without even realising it we were in love and then married with children.- The opportunity will come if you let it and you'll just know when you know.Time for some Do Do's(Stop it Chandler!)Finally, some things that can be done!Like I said, I think having a business is great, has made me a better person and has made me a good bit better off. I genuinely attribute a large part of my 'average' success and subsequent happiness to things I stopped doing rather than new habits that I formed but here are a couple of things I and those I observe do/did and may be worth trying yourself.When you stop fantasising, researching and frantically flicking through motivational books & videos, you're left with some space that needs filling.I already mentioned hobbies and interests, but I'll cover that after what I think should head up the list.Spend time with other peopleI haven't called it family or friends etc as I don't want to marginalise anyone who doesn't have them. I don't want to brag but I am lucky in this sense- if you're not so, I genuinely think you can do something about that.I also appreciate that people may be shy, be introverted and/or have social anxiety.I still think that its really important that you spend more time with the people you like spending time with or go out and find some. I guess it doesn't matter if they are online even- just spend time chatting and getting to know others more intimately... and remember, not too serious yeah.Have a laugh, get drunk, go fu shi up, go bowling, play frisbee, walk/ hike, play pool, fish, shoot, dance, knit... whatever..... with other people. More importantly make sure its people your'e not trying to sell to, buy from or otherwise advance yourself in business/ finance.Also, when things get going in your business life, don't bore these people with ita) It usually is boring andb) they like you cos you're who you are- not what you are.Worthwhile wastes of time- AKA Hobbies and interestsYep, I know I'm beating this drum to death- trust me, its important.If you're the active sort, go and do something physical, just drop the goals and the aims etc, especially if you're into bodybuilding or running etc. Swing on some bars or look up calisthenics if you want to use your muscles. Take a look at woodwork, building heavy things or something like that.Try not to replace your addiction to being an entrepreneur/ wantrepreneur with another addiction though.You're just killing a bit of time and giving yourself something to take your mind off of things. Using your body and mind for something other than 'trying to succeed'.Remember- no outcomes. You're doing what the soft headed teacher told you at school about just taking part and not winning.Although I like video games, I don't like to feeling I get after sitting down in front of screen for too long so I can't play them. I do love movies and gripping documentaries so probably watch about an hour a day and film or two at the weekends after the kids are in bed (usually with beer/ wine and snacks).A few years ago I would be sat the on my laptop or iPad 'looking things up'. I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy a few hours in the evening to watch a film. Jeez- what a waste.I've taken to building things and renovating my house- it's coming along quite well, I'm really improving my DIY skills and am amassing a fine array of tools. I've built a shed out the back, moved the kitchen from one end of the house to the other- according to the mortgage broker I've added nearly 50k to the value of my house.... what's important though is that I've really really enjoyed it. I have plans for many other things and am learning CAD (which I should know being in engineering anyway but this time its for fun) and am watching several CNC routers on eBay to further the fun.I also love growing and cooking food- not trying to be a masterchef or thinking about opening a restaurant- Just messing about with flavours and/or following recipes to the letter and switching off.This post isn't about me though- I just hope it's a decent example.The others I know are into motorbikes, following sport, also building things, also food and cooking, art/ painting/ drawing, animals etc etc- Find out what what floats your boat and go do some. Tie it in with other people for added enjoyment but also give yourself a bit of 'me time'.Right- some businessey stuff.Give yourself timeOkay, a kind of a reiteration here but as before.. bear with me.Take a step back and if needs be take some real time off of thinking about starting if you haven't done so yet. If you are in business and are feeling disillusioned, give yourself a bit of a break- systemise and consolidate a few things and try and get yourself on a plateau.Of all the self-help and motivational things I hate most and feel are the most damaging- it's the 'It's only too late if you don't start now', 'Quit your job', 'Drop out of college' crap.If you want to start a business and get started, you would be far far better doing it small and part time alongside a job.I know you're tired on an evening and just can't get your brain to do something- I've been there.You're not thinking small enough yet, you're too caught up in whether you will be wasting time on something without an eventual payoff for it or whether it's worth it and will lead to the fast track of being a millionaire or more.Seriously, give yourself some space- take the next few weeks/ months to just enjoy doing nothing and then when you're ready- Start Really Small.If you're not sure what business to start- keep doing nothing. Stop resisting the real world- it will be there along with all it's wonderful opportunities when you come back to it. You'll hopefully be more realistic and willing to be a shade more mediocre when you come back.If you hate your job or someone in it, the next ones for you.Figure out how to Tolerate Yourself and OthersAnd by others, I also mean other things.I actually think it's rare that we actually hate our jobs.I think it's more likely that we hate the fact that we are there.Whether it's because we feel too good for the job and it's inherent shortcomings or we can't really believe that we are on the same pay scale and worthiness as some of the dumb@sses we share our workplace with- we are really hating our belonging to that situation more than anything else.In order to move, and again this is the direct result of conversations with some of the successful people I know, we have to transcend the situation.Yes, we work alongside some horrible/ stupid/ pedantic/ lowly/ very special (not good special) people and hence in the eye of our colleagues and society we are on the same level as them.I feel for you and if we met I would quite possibly agree that you are better than them. Feeling bad about it isn't going to help you though so you must transcend.I'm not quite sure how the universe or its evolutionary system works (sorry Abrahamic religion people) but I think it's kind of a promotion system.I'd bet that the fish that made it onto the shore and grew legs were the descendants of the better of the fishes- I just don't think evolution created reptiles from the offspring of really crap fish- like 'Hey youre terrible at swimming and eating other smaller fish- you should try being a lizard".I think then, that it's kinda the same in society and as I said, in particular with my self made friends. Quite a few of them actually got into their present business by the way of an opportunity presented to them by being good at their previous jobs.It's similar to me as well. I ended with my 'day business' as I turned myself round and decided to start working hard at what I was doing and putting the troggs to the back of my mind.It got noticed and I was given several pay rises, I then ended up on the radar of my friends dad who owned his own business and asked me to run a project for him. 4 years later I'm flying and have invested in several other ventures/ people since.- Transcend and overcome the drudgery of what you are doing now while you are still there.Move on when its time and you're ready.SystemisationI've decided to make this a separate post as it really covers too much for an already far too long post- I'll let you know when this is up fully but for now....Turn everything you do into a system.When you do eventually get going, think of every single step as something you might have to do again. Make a game out of making things into a system. Using either a basic paper notepad/ filing system or one of the free or built in word processors or spreadsheets, make a list of the things you are doing.It will speed up any rework, it will make you better at remembering things and it may force you into trimming wasted activities out of your day.You might feel silly writing down "Spend 4 hours browsing r/Entrepreneur" followed by "Watch 10 random guru videos back to back- but only halfway because they haven't given me the missing secret yet and the search must continue hastily"I promise I'll add more to this in the week but for now- Think 'Systemise It'.The last couple of Dont'sI hope the majority of these items being dont's doesn't put you off- I do think you can do it if you get realistic and start being easier on yourself. Avoid things is easier than doing things and yields similar results. You don't have to run the 8 miles if you don't eat the extra donut (You can have one though!).A couple more things to avoid.Apps and online servicesTalking about what you're doing/ going to do.Apps and ServicesAny time spent looking at organisational, project management, CRM, email management, keyword/ adword, accounting, team comms etc etc etc apps, that you don't currently have a pressing need for is a complete waste of time.Especially if you are just starting out- by the time you need one the market will have changed and you will have to look though them all again.Trust me...been there and done that.Again, by all means have a browse. If you start evaluating them and heaven forbid buy any, you are fantasising and feeding your delusional side.Pen and paper works fine if not better than most apps. Particularly for a one man band or small team.TalkingThe last but not be ignored thing I have noticed in others and has turned my life around since I stopped, is the ability to work on my stuff in silence and to keep one's counsel in general.If you need to tell people what you are doing, I think you are giving yourself some kind of reward internally. If you're getting the reward from telling your friends, family or colleagues- you won't feel the need to get the reward from selling or creating something when you finally get started.Bigging Up your business may have the same effect. You may not need to take it to the next level or wrap it up into a more passive income with the work being done by others if your ego is already getting it's hit.Secondly, it increases the anxiety towards the fact that you must be doing something right now. If you've told people you're going to move on from this situation and become a millionaire, your mind will be frantically looking towards things to do to make this happen.Until your opportunity has come along or you are ready for one, this could manifest itself in more addiction to the non worthy activities we've already been through.- Keep quiet until you get started.- When you do get started, continue being quiet about it.- If you're already in business, quieten up a bit.That wraps this one up and again I hope some of you find something useful.

#/r/entrepreneur #reddit

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patiencetakestyme · 6 years

Text

This is a big one, but it’s an important scene!

SMC walks towards a lunch table with a tray full of food. SS comes up behind him, looking jumpy as always.

SS: But dreams aren’t memories!

SMC: Then it wasn’t a dream! Something happened last night and I can’t remember what.

(Both sit down and place book bags behind them)

SS: What makes you so sure that Derek even has all the answers?

SMC: Because (pauses) during the full moon he wasn’t changed. He was in total control. While I was running around in the middle of the night attacking some totally innocent guy.

SS: You don’t know that.

SMC: I don’t not know it. I can’t go out with Allison. I have to cancel.

SS: No, you’re not canceling, okay? You can’t just cancel your entire life. We’ll figure it out.

(LM comes out of nowhere and places her tray down next to SMC and sits down. She looks back and forth between both of them. SS immediately looks at her, dumbfounded. SMC also looks at her.)

LM: Figure what out?

(SS raspy laugh, looks to SMC because he can’t speak).

SMC: Uh...just, uh, homework.

SS: Yeah. (Disbelieving laugh. Leans in and speaks quietly to SMC. LM has mischievous look on SMC). Why is she sitting with us?

(SMC shrugs, equally confused. Suddenly a bunch of other people sit down with them, including AA. SMC has to move his backpack so AA can sit down).

AA: Thanks.

(SS chuckles very fake sits back and rolls his eyes; he’s not happy at their new table mates. Turns, see Danny, nods, this time looking slightly intrigued, curious Danny chose to sit next to him.)

JW: (Approaches out of nowhere, talks to the kid at the head of the table and in the seat next to LM) Get up.

RB: How come you never ask Danny to get up?

Danny: Because I don’t stare at his girlfriend’s coin slot. (SS looks very observant; he realizes he can get intel from these people).

(JW literally pushes RB out of his chair and sits down).

Danny: So I hear they’re saying it’s some type of animal attack. Probably a cougar.

JW: I heard a mountain lion.

LM: (frustrated and confident) A cougar is a mountain lion. (JW quirks an eyebrow, looks very confused at her confidence. LM’s expression changes to confusion). Isn’t it?

JW: Who cares? The guy’s probably some homeless tweakier who’s gonna die anyway.

SS: (looking down at his phone) Actually I just found out who it is. Check it out.

TV announcer: The Sheriff’s department won’t speculate on details of the incident but confirmed the victim, Garrison Meyers, did survive the attack. Meyers was taken to a local hospital where he remains in critical condition.

SMC: (stutters) I know this guy. (SMC looks at SS, still clearly afraid he was the one who attacked this guy).

AA: You do? (SS sits back, also worried).

SMC: Yeah, when I used to take the bus back when I lived with my dad. He was the driver. (SMC and SS look at each other, equally concerned).

LM: (looking at the table, clearly bored) Can we talk about something slightly more fun, please? Like...(pauses) oh! Where are we going tomorrow night? You said you and Scott were hanging out tomorrow night, right? (looks mischievous).

AA: (swallowing food, looking uncomfortable) Um we were thinking of what we were gonna do.

LM: Well, (SS looks nervous; he fears the group date. LM’s eyes are big and she looks displeased with her relationship) I am not sitting at home again watching lacrosse videos, so if the four of us are hanging out, (pointed look at JW) we are doing something fun.

SMC: Hanging out? (looks to AA who looks equally as nervous). Like, the four of us? (Looks to SS who looks like he’s actually in pain, hand over his mouth, trying not to say anything. SMC turns back to AA and whispers so LM can’t hear). Do you wanna hang out, like us and them?

AA: (doing her best to sound excited) Yeah, I guess. Sounds fun.

JW: You know what else sounds fun? Stabbing myself in the face with this fork. (LM, clearly frustrated, takes the fork from him rather aggressively. SS takes a drink, shrugs and tosses his hand int he air and looks disgusted with JW. He can’t believe this is what LM is dating).

LM: (Leaning in to JW, clearly trying to get him excited about this) How ‘bout bowling? You love to bowl!

(SS puts food in his mouth and looks very worried at SMC, also clearly still frustrated by JW. He seems to want SMC to say something to make this not happen).

JW: Yeah with actual competition.

AA: (leaning forward, almost insulted. LM is still all eyes on JW; she does not seem pleased) How do you know we’re not actual competition? (LM looks satisfied with AA’s answer, almost like she’s showing JW). (AA turns to SMC). You can bowl, right?

(SS looks terrified. He knows the answer to that question).

SMC: Sort of.

JW: (leaning forward, interested now because he might beat SMC) Is it sort of, or yes? (LM looks pleased at his return of confidence and interest).

SMC: (sitting forward, confident) Yes. In fact, I’m a great bowler.

(Scene changes to the end of the school day in the hallway)

SS: You’re a terrible bowler!

SMC: I know! I’m such an idiot!

SS: God, it was like watching a car wreck! I mean, first it turned into the whole group date thing. And then out of nowhere comes that phrase. (Lowers his hands to his head).

SMC: Hanging out!

SS: (Lifts head, and throws hands up) You don’t hang out with hot girls, okay? It’s like death. Once it’s hanging out, you might as well be her gay best friend. You and Danny can start hanging out. (Looks off to the side, clearly distracted, clearly feeling some ADHD symptoms and losing his focus).

SMC: How is this happening? I either killed a guy or I didn’t--

SS: I don’t think Danny likes me very much.

SMC: I asked Allison on a date and now we’re hanging out--

SS: Am I not attractive to gay guys?

SMC: I make first line, and the team captain wants to destroy me, and now--now I’m gonna be late for work.

SS: Wait, Scott, you didn’t--am I attractive to gay guys?! You didn’t answer my question.

This combination of scenes is fascinating for several reasons. But the first has to be the confirmation that SS was clearly full of crap with his whole “Scarlet Nerded” comment: not only was he never popular, he never wanted to be popular. I remember first watching this scene and how it changed my opinion of him. Between that early conversation and his apparent crush on who appeared to be ultimate popular girl Lydia, I really thought he was trying to be popular. I liked him so much more after this scene, knowing that that wasn’t truly the case.

Second, his star-studded reaction at having Lydia sit with them is just priceless. He isn’t grumpy until everyone else sits down: he would’ve loved to have her there, of course. But, as their last interaction has already told us, he knows who she really is when these other people aren’t around. If it had been just her, he could’ve gotten to talk to the real her: not the person she projects when all these other idiots (in Stiles’ opinion) are around).

Third, I was originally disappointed that Stiles was clearly on his phone doing research while Lydia laid down the line on Jackson. He missed an opportunity to see her almost own him (of course, she backed off, but that’s another story: she’s not there yet). But then I realized he doesn’t need to see that: he already knows she’s constantly selling herself short for him. And I do love that instead of sitting here speculating like these idiots, he’s decided to actually take out his phone and research it.

Fourth, I can’t be absolutely certain, but Jackson’s response here of “is it sort of, or yes?” seems familiar to me: I feel like that is precisely the wording that Lydia used when asking Scott during the math problem if he was going to play in the game. If that’s the case, it’s interesting to hear it here and know that she may just be mirroring him.

Finally: we have the gay guys comment. I know this scene is the source of a lot of people’s Sterek hopes and dreams. And, on a surface level, I completely get it. But, to me, I see several other items at play here. First is Stiles’ Adderall wearing off at the end of the school day and, more importantly, I see his insecurities coming out as a direct result of losing focus from losing the effects of the medicine.

The lunch scene would’ve been a big deal to Stiles. Those people don’t talk to him. And, overall, he’s okay with that. He doesn’t like vapid and selfish Jackson and certainly doesn’t want to be his friend. I’m not even really sure he wants to be that close to Allison, outside of the fact that his best friend has a crush on her (more on that in a later scene of this episode).

However, there are some people there who he really does like and think of as good people: namely, Lydia and Danny (and Scott, of course, but we already know that!). He likes them both and sees them as a kind of opposites. Lydia hides who she truly is so she can secure a relationship with the winning lacrosse captain--because she’s pretty and that’s what she’s supposed to want and what she’s supposed to do. Danny, on the other hand, is openly gay in high school. The show doesn’t really address this, but, as a high school teacher, I can tell you that being openly gay in high school is very hard on the individual. To be openly gay in high school is extremely brave and awesome. Frequently, my openly gay students come to me and say that they are bullied and that it is not easy, but that they are so happy to be free to be themselves. To Stiles, Danny is being honest and open--something he wishes Lydia would feel free to do. Danny did it, so Stiles has hopes that Lydia will one day too. And, shocker: he’s right. It just takes her some time to get there.

The final component of this goes back to something he said to Lydia at the hospital: he feels that he has a connection with these people who have deeper depths than most of their other classmates. He’s are smarter than most people give him credit for. Danny’s braver than most people give him credit for. Lydia’s both: braver and smarter than most people give her credit for.

Knowing this, he sees a similarity in the way he feels for Lydia to the way he feels for Danny. I think he wants to be friends with Danny: he seeks his approval, just as he seeks Lydias, but for different reasons. He loves Lydia and he understands Danny. Between that and with the offset of lack of Adderall, this conversation is one of the ways it emerges.

There were only three people there he liked: Lydia, Danny and Scott. He’s already got Scott’s approval. He knows Lydia isn’t being herself (which is when they share that connection, by the way) and, therefore, won’t have the time of day for him (yet), but Danny’s a question mark. How does he get Danny to understand him, as he feels he already understands Danny? Like most high school boys, his brain goes to attraction and, from there, a curiosity about what it means to be gay and attractive to a gay friend.

Finally (really, I mean it this time) I’m disappointed in Scott here. Stiles is clearly crying out, trying to indicate that he wants the approval of these two other people he likes, and Scott is just wrapped up in his own little world. But more on that in a later scene in this episode.

#kas rewatches tw #1x3 #LM #SS

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aricacykiertproject-blog · 6 years

Text

Interview #2 Transcribed

File: ADHD Story #2

Duration: 23:01

Date: 11/6/17

I asked if I could record our audio, and the respondent said yes. Then audio recording begins.

Me: How old were you when you first got diagnosed?

Respondent: 17.

Me: How did you feel when you first found out?

Respondent: I mean I kinda always knew my whole life so just having the official diagnosis was really great for me because I could finally do something about it.

Me: So did you struggle growing up?

Respondent: Uh, yeah. I didn’t really realize I was displaying a lot of the symptoms until I was older, and I took a class and I realized that that was what a lot of my struggle had been in school. Doing things very fast pace, and not really learning as well in the classroom. So I did struggle, but I didn’t really connect it until I got my diagnosis.

Me: So you wanted a while before you got tested? How come?

Respondent: So my dad didn’t believe in medicating, and my grades were still really good so when my grades were fine my dad was like “I don’t see the point in her having medication when she still does well in school.” But it finally got to the point where I was so stressed and I would be in such a hard class and couldn’t learn in the classroom and I was like “I am going to fail, I need to get this taken care of.”

Me: So you hit a breaking point?

Respondent: Yeah, pretty much.

Me: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being very minor and 10 being severe. How would you “rate” your ADHD?

Respondent: Probably around a like 8 I would say. It’s pretty bad.

Me: Why 8?

Respondent: I think I’ve seen people who have it worse, and I can function off my medication. I am not on it right now. I don’t really take it every single day of my life. But it is bad, I still struggle to do things and be productive if I’m not on it.

Me: So you usually take it for school?

Respondent: Yeah, I take it for school and I take it for like work when I do research. I just don’t take it when I’m not doing anything because I don’t like being medicated.

Me: So you were the one who decided that you wanted to go on medication?

Respondent: Yes.

Me: What medication do you take? What side effects do you have?

Respondent: I take Adderall. As for the side effects, obviously I have the typical not being able to eat, when I’m on my meds I go through waves of feeling like a zombie. I struggle to interact in conversations because I am so in my own head. So I think it makes me a little less social which is why I don’t like to take it everyday because it makes it harder for me to connect to other people. Obviously, not being able to sleep as well.

Me: So you would say it alters your personality?

Respondent: I would think so.

Me: What words would use to describe how you feel when you are medicated?

Respondent: Um, I always say I am zombie like. I feel very much sedated and not like myself. I can tell I am calmer and everything moves slower. But, I feel very much not myself.

Me: What words do you think your peers would use do describe you medicated?

Respondent: Calmer (laughter) for sure. I think also different. They can always tell when I am on my meds.

Me: What words would you use do describe how you feel unmedicated?

Respondent: Free. I feel completely myself, happier, more creative, more talkative.

Me: Would your peers say the same?

Respondent: I think so. They probably would say that I talk way faster.

Me: What is one thing you wish others without ADHD would understand?

Respondent: That it’s not a good thing. I think that people without ADHD always say we are lucky because we can have Adderall. I just wish they could understand that it is actually really challenging, debilitating. It’s very hard to work in a classroom and they see it as we are very fortunate and I would never call myself fortunate to have it.

Me: Does anyone else in your family have ADHD?

Respondent: So, yes. I have a cousin who is officially diagnosed and one of my older cousins has told me that my dad’s side of the family has a long history of it. My dad definitely has it but he is not medicated. I am pretty sure my brother has it too and isn’t medicated. We definitely have a long history but not a lot of us are medicated because my dad and brother are geniuses so they don’t need it. They’re fine.

Me: Have you ever reached out to other people who have ADHD?

Respondent: Yeah. I made a lot of friends who have it, and that’s been nice. I have talked to some family, that is how I found out about my family history. I have a lot of friends who have it which is kind of nice because it is a good support system.

Me: Have you had any relationships end because of your ADHD?

Respondent: Oh god, I hope not. I don’t think so. Not that I’m aware of. I mean, people tell me I talk fast all the time so maybe that was a contributing factor but nobody has ever said that directly.

Me: Does it affect your social life?

Respondent: Yeah, when I am on my meds it is very very hard for me. I really struggled in the sorority house because I had only been on meds for two years, and I didn’t know it yet. I would not be able to contribute to lots of conversations. So that definitely affected me. When I’m off it as well because when I first get off it I start talking so fast and I am so scattered brained and people are like “calm down” so I think those two phases of being on it [medication] and adjusting and being off it. The fast talking really gets people.

Me: How does your environment play a factor when you are medicated and unmedicated?

Respondent: Um, if I am in a stressful environment like school, I think it really affects how my medicine affects me because I am already stressed when I take the meds I just get even more hyper-focused and I think that can stress me out even more. If I’m not in a stressful environment when I am medicated, that’s when I realize I am zombie like. That’s when I am so hyper-focused but I am suppose to be having fun, ya know? In reverse, if I am stressed and not medicated that’s really really hard for me. Because the anxiety builds because I’m like “I need my meds to be able to function in this environment” If I am not medicated and I am not stressed, then I am just me.

Me: How many times a week would you say you take your medicine?

Respondent: Now, never because I am not in school and I don’t have a stressful job. When I start doing my research position, I will have to start taking it everyday.

Me: How would you describe the conditions of your room?

Respondent: (Laughter) it depends on the day. Usually I just throw a bunch of stuff on the floor and after three days I get really stressed and I clean it all up. Then my room is clean for a day or two and then it happens again. It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

Me: What is one thing that people have said about ADHD that you know is incorrect?

Respondent: Everything they say. Well, my big thing that people say we are lucky to have it. I know that is not true. Oh people also say that when I take Adderall it gives me an advantage and that is not true.

Me: Do you feel different than your peers who don’t have ADHD?

Respondent: Yeah. I definitely feel different. I feel disadvantaged, a lot. Just to walk out of a classroom and to hear them talking about things that I didn’t even pick up in the lecture because I didn’t connect it or because I was zoning out is very frustrating. I feel like even though I am given accommodations to make me feel equal, it’s so stigmatized. If I tell people, I have ADHD then they’re like “can I have Adderall?” Like no, it’s my medication. You can’t have it. I definitely feel different, but I also feel like it is very much a part of me and I worked really hard to just accept that this is the way I am and so I am not embarrassed.

Me: It took me a while to tell people.

Respondent: Yeah, it definitely took me a while, but this is a thing for me and I don’t care because I am still going to the same school as these people and beating them on exams so what does it matter if I have a learning disability because clearly it doesn’t actual disable me. I would never look at it [ADHD] as a bad thing because it’s a part of me.

Me: So could one argue that having ADHD is a good thing?

Respondent: I don’t want to look at myself and think I am less fortunate than others because I am given the resources to still thrive even though I have it. I know that is not the case for everyone, so I feel pretty lucky that I have supportive friends and family, have access to the meds and all that. It’s an advantage because it gives me a different outlook on life.

Me: How so?

Respondent: I think, I have become a lot more empathetic because of it because people are going through things that you don’t know about and that can lead to how they’re acting. People are maybe like mean, or like not quiet I try to look at maybe they’re going through something I don’t know verses “oh that person is weird or whatever.” I hope that when people look at me and think “that girl talks fast or she is so stressed” that they would like think about maybe I have something else, like ADHD going on. I always look for the backstories of people now instead of just attributing to being mean.

Me: What words would you use to describe your brain?

Respondent: (Laughter) Crazy. Crazy and fast paced. Those are the two main ones, emphasis on the fast pace.

Me: Last question, if you could get rid of your ADHD would you?

Respondent: Oh, I don’t think so. I always thought yes, because I thought it would make school easier, but it has contributed so much into who I am today and like I said it has made me a more emphatic person, I think that it is such a part of me that I wouldn’t. I don’t know who I would be without it. I like myself. I am confident in who I am.

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heartlikeatincup · 7 years

Text

I’ve been pretty depressed lately. Like, majorly clinically depressed.

The first time I experienced this I was 13 and I had just found out that my father had been extremely abusive to my mother.

I’ve never met my father. I’ve always known that he wasn’t the greatest guy on earth, but I never knew the details. Let’s just say he’s a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve a dick. Or, maybe he only deserves a dick that resides in a cock cage someone lost the key to. This is the type of information most 13-year-olds (understandably) cannot handle.

I was one of those 13-year-olds. For months I felt completely awful and worthless because, in my eyes, I was conceived in the worst possible way and didn’t even deserve to be alive. Of course, as a most 13-year-olds are wont to do, I wasn’t looking outside of myself. I wasn’t taking into consideration the fact that my mother chose to give birth to me and raise me on her own (until she and my step-dad (her old high school sweetheart) got together). She and I were also fighting at this time (as most mothers and 13-year-old daughters do), so every fight made me feel horribly guilty that anything I did wrong or any act I committed that had even the slightest implications of selfishness would remind her of my father and make her hate me (even more than she already should have).

In short, I spent several months telling myself that I didn’t deserve to be alive and internalizing responsibility for something someone else had done. On top of that, I started having recurring nightmares in which a(t least one) strange man was following/chasing me with the intent of raping me if he ever caught me. Thankfully, I always woke up. But those dreams tortured me.

It helps to know that I was also being “home-schooled” at this time, which in many ways was actually more like self-schooling, as my mother found several curriculum books that I taught to myself, and I took courses online. Now, I wasn’t fully isolated, because my mom did find a home-schooler’s group that we became a part of, but I was left to my own devices a lot of the time. The two years I spent unschooling are simultaneously responsible for my ability to be self-driven and my desire to throw self-discipline out the window entirely.

During this time, my mom was starting a business and my step-dad was working full-time as a salesman for some IT company, and he was traveling at least 3 days a week. So, my depression went largely unnoticed.

I wasn’t showering, I no longer had any interest in spending time with my best friend (ours was the type of best friendship where our respective parents basically shared joint custody), I was staying up all night and sleeping all day, and I spent 97% of my time in my room on my computer. The other 3% of the time were forced family dinners. Additionally (although I think it goes without saying), I was listening to a lot of emo/screamo and pop punk at the time.

Luckily, one day I woke up and it felt as if my depression had vanished. It was as if the veil of darkness that had been covering me for months just disappeared. I don’t remember how this happened. I do remember starting to try to focus on small things that made me happy. I got this tip from my mom, who must’ve noticed something was wrong but didn’t really want to deal with the why (I think she knew the why). I started being grateful for my feet, or my pets (god, was I ever lucky that my mom was indulgent with animals), or a song. I guess enough days of that helped my brain start to work properly again.

Everything was pretty good for a few years, but the dark period was always in the back of my mind. During that first episode, I had essentially told myself that I wasn’t ever going to amount to anything. I think I still have a few years of therapy ahead of me before I shake that mindset.

I felt pretty okay for a while, until my junior year of high school. I started sensing that things were going south in my mom’s marriage, and I began to act out. This time, I was sent to a therapist. I hated her. I didn’t go for more than a few months. Eventually, we found a new one, and I liked her. I don’t remember why I stopped going.

I went through several more years of trying to ignore my bouts of apathy and despair. I spent a solid year and a half self-medicating and getting myself too intoxicated to function in an attempt to block out all the things that made me depressed or anxious.

Eventually I made a shift in my mindset. I got tired of trying to numb myself and started trying to face my feelings. I started seeing the therapist I liked again. I realized that as I had aged, she no longer suited me. She was more like a cheerleader than someone who was helping me work through things. She did talk about doing some sort of regression therapy or CBT that was of the new-age type where I had to follow her finger and it would help release all the shit stored in my animal brain. I wasn’t ready for that, so I stopped keeping my appointments.

Shortly thereafter, I found a new therapist. I loved her. At this point, I was suspicious that maybe my depression was actually a symptom of or a co-occurring disorder with ADHD. I’ve read a lot about ADHD in women and girls and how it often goes overlooked because it doesn’t present in us the same way that it does in men and boys. This therapist said she thought I was solely depressed, and advised that I go to my PCP to get on an antidepressant.

I was prescribed Prozac, and I stayed on it for a few months, and it helped with my anxiety, but it made me incredibly tired, so I stopped taking it. I continued to go to therapy for nearly two years. I stopped because I was playing stupid sex games with a stupid guy (another story for another day, but still indicative of my mental illness). I missed an appointment and I never went back.

That was over a year ago. Now, here I am, and again I’ve found myself nearly too depressed to function. I recently had my tarot cards read and the reader asked if I had been through a depression. I told her yes, and she said, “well, you know what to do now, so you never have to go back there again,” so when I realized I hadn’t been able to clean or get out of bed except to go to work or get groceries for over two weeks, I decided it was time for meds again.

My doctor put me on Wellbutrin and so far it’s been okay. It’s only been a week so I know I’m still adjusting. It feels like slowly walking out of a deep fog. It also feels promising. I’ve been doing things around the house after work instead of getting right into bed. I’m writing this right now. I have been experiencing some side effects akin to confusion and fatigue, but I’m hoping they will go away. I talked to my doctor and she said it’s probably just temporary and to call her again in a week.

I really hope this is my magic pill. I want to leave that fog behind for good. (And yes, I will be going to therapy again.)

#personal #mental health #depression #wellbutrin #tw:rape

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