#once my mom told me that she should have aborted me when she was mad at me

[atheautistic]

Hey everybody!

So, i think an introduction's in order here. My name is Jonathan and i am a fairly new atheist. I am a slightly Queer Nurse, married, and have a number of kids (about 8 at last count) that are all adults now. Maybe i should just tell the story of my religious journey and how i came to atheism.

Without going into too much detail, i became a Christian at 18 years old. To be honest, it was mostly the influence of my high school best friend. At that time, i did believe that there was something out there, but i wasn't sure what it would be. I did some occult stuff/magic at that time and was fully convinced that the spirit world at least existed. It was probably that stuff that prompted my friend to lead me to the faith. Cause i don't remember him bringing up Christianity until i mentioned that i was living in a haunted house. (Still not totally sure it wasn't, lol)

My friend suggested that i read the bible. He thought i might find what i was looking for there regarding my interest in the spirit world. So, my ADHD brain kicked in and i read the thing from front to back in a matter of days. I devoured it alongside other books on paarapsychology and ghosts. Now, i DO remember having issues with the bible even then, but my bestie was pretty good at apologetics and i put aside my concerns for later consideration. I mean, i could die at any moment right? Better get right quick!

So, i "got saved," started going to youth group, church, and even started going to church with my parents. Speaking of my parents, i should probably mention that my mom and step father are the pastors of a pentecostal church. The church my friend was taking me to was a non-denominational Protestant church of some sort. So i got a decent range of protestant church experiences.

Anyway, i went along being a Christian for about the next 23+ years or so. I picked up a wife and a bunch of kids along the way, and we trained them up in the way a child should go. That is to say according to the faith. Towards the last two years of that time, my late wife was diagnosed with cancer. I know what you're thinking if you are a Christian! I got mad at God because my wife got sick. Not the case at all.

The truth of it was that i had already begun to seriously question many things that the church and bible had to say. So i started studying apologetics and the scriptures more fervently, trying to reconcile many, many troublesome passages, policies and views that i had been taught by the church. I was seriously troubled by the fact that i was unable to rationalize them. I could explain them away using standard Christian rhetoric, but it seemed too much like avoidance and dishonesty. It was at that time that i decided that maybe the bible isn't really the infallible text christians claim it to be. Worse, i was finding it more and more difficult to rationalize certain beliefs the church holds when challenged on them. Stuff like homosexuality, abortion, etc for example.

Now, as a good Christian, i KNEW i was having a crisis of faith, so I prayed about it. A LOT. For years. Like probably at least once a day, and whenever i ran into another troublesome passage or question. I think everyone can guess what i heard from the Lord... Not a thing.

One day, during a particularly unpleasant day of chemo for my late wife, i remember needing comfort in a really bad way. The grief was monstrous because my analytic mind had already figured out how this illness was going to play out. I couldn't confide in her about it, because she had so much hope and i couldn't and wouldn't disabuse her of that. So, during that visit, i told her that i was going to get a massage like she suggested (i probably looked super stressed). Instead, i went to the chapel to seek Him and ask Him for his Comforter to descend upon me. I spent nearly an hour in there on my arthritic knees. Nothing happened. I felt nothing but pain. No comforting presence walking me through the shadow of death. No random stranger with kind and wise words. No feeling of His presence. Nothing. Not that i was expecting a release from pain, but any kind of comfort would have been nice.

It was that moment i realized that nothing happened and i felt nothing because there IS nothing to comfort me. It kind of crashed in on me all at once. Every inconsistency, every awful passage about God sanctioned mass murder and slavery. Every argument that more clear headed skeptics had thrown my way. The vast loneliness of the universe. All that ran through my head like a freight train. I thought i would be crushed by the grief and pain when i realized that not only was my wife going to die, i would NEVER see her again. I felt like i was going to die right then. Sobbing, i got up, walked down the aisle and in a fit of rage, threw the crucifix onto the floor. I thought briefly of destroying it utterly, but decided against it. Even though in that moment i became an infant atheist i wasn't ready to go whole hog just yet. And i wasn't willing to attack the faith in a way that would interfere with others finding the succor i so desperately sought. Instead, i just stared at the crucifix for a while, angry about all the time and money i had wasted on the Farce of Faith. I was furious about all the terrible ideas i had espoused to my children. Ashamed that i had believed in something that was now so clearly fantasy. Then i pulled myself together as best i could and left the chapel.

Very shortly after that i had the first and worst of many panic attacks. We thought it was a heart attack (I remember thinking how ironic Christians would think it was for me to die right after becoming an apostate. It actually amused me a little) but it wasn't. It turns out that existential crisis can bring on a little fear with it! And since I'm an anxious person anyway, it certainly didn't help. So many things had changed for me that i couldn't share with anyone. In the midst of my spouse's illness i had to keep playing church. Do you have any idea how galling it is to be surrounded by Christians when you are a closet atheist? It's kind of torture. But you can't tell your dying spouse that there is no heaven right? Seems like cruelty.

I didn't share my revelation with anyone until i posted it on facebook a couple weeks ago. I couldn't. I still try to walk softly around Christians and their faith because existential crises are unpleasant at best and deadly at the worst. Mine was incredibly unpleasant and i wouldn't want to do it to anyone. That's why i started this blog to be honest. So that I'm not posting this on facebook where it will cause more drama than I'm interested in experiencing. I guess I'm just hoping people who are questioning will find it. I know humanity needs to eventually do away with religion as a whole. But it is definitely not something that can happen overnight. Any activism on the part of atheism should be gentle, in my opinion.

By way of confession, not even my new wife knew about how i really felt until pretty recently as well. Much to my shame, i taught my new wife things about Christianity from my wealth of theological knowledge and years of service in the church. To woo her of course. She was a Catholic (although she would say not a great one, ha ha!) at the time and I wanted her to like me. Gonna have to apologize for that manipulation later i think. (Update: She took it very lovingly. She suggests that it's possible that she was just following along with the crowd, and forgave me instantly. Damn, she's a good woman.)

Anyways, i eventually realized that being a closet atheist was almost worse than just being an atheist. Because at least this way, I'm being honest. And isn't honesty the best policy anyway? Totally. So, now I'm honest about it. I talk to wifey about it now, but i try not to exhort too much.

So, that's where i stand now. I hesitate to give an idea of what this blog will focus on, because i know i may lose interest, but it will probably mostly be about my journey of religious deconstruction and philosophical studies. Or maybe i'll just pick an interesting topic and wrote an article. I dunno.. If that sounds like something you're interested in, welcome! If you wanna help me see the light, welcome! I will try to answer all comments!

#atheisim #deconstructing christianity #christianity #religion #christian faith #faith no more

[thoughts-and-more-sadness]

Yesterday we had a family talk. It was pretty rough. It was basically saying if things aren’t sorted we will be kicked out. He has forgotten to pay rent and a medical bill several times. Basically said he has to go back to college. And that his jobs aren’t good enough. That we need 401k and retirement plans. I was shaking. The dad talked alone with us first. He made good points but I did get offended. He said how at 18 he had a job, his sister is 18 and doesn’t have a job. His father said well you’re a boy and she’s a girl. I shot back that doesn’t make a difference, that’s sexist. I’m still very pissed, I worked at 18 and I know so damn many 16 year olds that are working. I don’t know how people can put so much pressure on their kids. Yelling and screaming over stupid things like trash, making rice, and trimming trees. At the end of the day those little things don’t matter much at all. I understand getting mad over his yelling, not paying bills and general disrespect. But how can you respect someone who yells at you constantly. I think he is just imitating his mom. They say the same things, that once their done. They are done. I’m expected to cook regularly, go to college, and probably have a fucking job and car. I wish, wish, wish I was still at sizzler then I wouldn’t feel like a flaming bag of garbage. He does hard physical labor because it makes him happy. Why should they shit on a job that makes him happy. Why did he shit on a job that made me happy. I wish I could go visit my mom and give her gifts and vent to her. I miss my dad I cry over him a lot. I want to cry on a cat or rabbit. His dad told us that he was pissed when he found out my dad was who cleaned the carpets. His dad doesn’t like my family because they don’t come check on me or bother to meet them. But it hurt my feelings he would say rude things about my dad. He’s my dad. When his mom joined the chat things escalated immediately. She was the first to raise her voice. It was immediately corrected but once she was there I didn’t feel safe to talk and add to the conversation anymore. The one thing I did say, I regret saying. I said how when the yelling first started happening it would make me cry. I associate it with intense trauma, any yelling I cry. But I don’t anymore I’m getting used to it. It is not good. Makes me sound soft but no one should be numb to yelling. She called the sister a spoiled princess. She said me and him might need to be separated. That bills have gone up since I have been there. I felt like a problem. Before falling asleep all I could think about is maybe I should kill myself. Like figure out how to get a gun, or I would just imagine my wrists bleeding out. I thought how hard that would be for my parents to lose a daughter, or for people I have been sort of a daughter to. To people that have loved me. I thought how horrible it would be because supposedly there’s a baby in me. It is funny to me how much deep shit we are already in and no one knows I’m pregnant. I’m trying to not think about it but I can’t help it. There is a chance it won’t make it so I don’t want to assume I actually will be a mom. He would never forgive me if I had an abortion so I know I can’t even think about that. I can’t have a baby here it’s not safe, I don’t feel safe. My suicidal thoughts don’t make me feel safe. I need to be busy I need a job so I can think less about killing myself. He wants to kill himself too, his depression shows constantly. I worry he got it from me, like a disease. As usual I just want a home. I honestly don’t even want his family having contact with my kid now, I don’t have respect for people who kick out their children. They didn’t ask to be on this planet and dealing with your automatic box of expectations. I used to think I would expect straight As and no homophobia, sexism or racism from my kids and be animal lovers. But it’s not my place to expect shit. I feel so much fucking pressure and I’m literally in my 20s. What if I don’t want to retire. I want to enjoy my life now, not when I’m a old. All I’m gonna do then is crochet.

[spinningintheshadows]

baby’s first christmas || topper thornton

Warnings and stuff: teen pregnancy/parenthood, not canon — Rafe is Worlds Best Godfather™️, cute uncle John B, some swearing.

Pierce hummed as she curled her legs underneath her on the plush sofa, a cup of tea in her hands as she heard Topper walk into the room with a bundle of pink blanket in his arms, looking down at the six week old he carried like there wasn’t another person on the planet. Pierce knew his mother would be home soon, not that it mattered because Mrs. Thornton had come to enjoy the girl's presence in her house. Sure, Pierce was a Pogue through and through, but she was also the mother of her granddaughter, albeit still a minor herself.

Topper and Pierce hadn’t even been together for the first four months of her pregnancy. A pregnancy that shouldn’t have happened in the first place because even though they were drunk, Pierce had been on birth control, taking it religiously every day since her father had put her on it at thirteen, and she’d made sure he used a condom. Of course, because he was a kook and she was a Pogue, when she discovered she was pregnant she assumed he wouldn’t want anything to do with it. She assumed she’d just be another stereotypical teenage pregnancy and would have to drop out of school and work three jobs to survive. Her father and brother had been pissed when she found out, accusing her of being irresponsible but her father softened when she was able to bring him not one, but three blister packs of her birth control to show him that she hadn’t missed a pill. Long story short Ivy Sloane Thornton was not supposed to happen but she did.

If Pierce thought her dad and brother were pissed, then Topper went completely mad. He’d cussed, yelled, called her names. He’d offered to pay for her to get rid of it, because they were only sixteen. She’d straight up told him she wasn’t going to do that because if their child has outsmarted a condom and birth control pills, then they deserved a fighting chance. He said he wanted nothing to do with it, but when she returned from the mainland with ultrasound photos, he did a complete 180. As soon as his eyes landed on the small blob in the middle of the ultrasound his heart softened. It wasn’t going to be easy — they’d be seventeen when the baby was born and they lived on an island that expected them to hate each other, but that was his child she was carrying and the least he could do was be her friend.

Topper, on the other hand, could vividly remember telling his parents they were going to be grandparents.

His dad was home for once, which was rare and only happened maybe twice a year. This, of course, meant there was a family dinner to be had. What better time to tell his parents he was disappointing them even more, right? He waited, though, until they’d almost finished the meal before he spoke.

“I need to tell you guys something.” His voice was shaking already. “And you’re not going to be happy with me”

“Failing another class, Topper? We’ve talked about this. How do you expect to get into college if you can’t pass high school!” His dad was already starting, making Topper fight the urge to roll his eyes.

“No. I have all As and Bs, thank you.” Topper said. “I uh, I got a girl pregnant. Not any girl, a girl I really like but due to this stupid Pogues vs Kook bullshit I can’t even be with so I’m going to have to help raise my child as friends. And before you even say a word, Mom, she’s not getting an abortion. We both agree that since we used two forms of birth control and it still happened, our child deserves a fighting chance.”

“So you’re going to throw away your life for a pogue?” His father sneered. “You should have known better than to sleep with trash, Topper.” That pissed Topper off, honestly.

“Pierce Routledge is the farthest thing from trash.” Topper's hand collided with the table. “If anyone here is trash, it’s you Dad. You think I don’t know you have a whole other family on the mainland? You think I don’t know about your girlfriend and three other kids? Do my siblings even know about me? I’m sure they don’t because you don’t want them to. I’m the disappointment, I know.”

“The Routledge twins are actually very responsible, polite kids. I’ve only met them a handful of times, but Ward Cameron tells me the boy, I can’t remember his name, hasn’t missed a day of work in the year he’s worked for him and Pierce is always extremely polite when I’m at the club.” It was the first thing Topper’s mom had said the whole evening. They had a strained relationship at best but her talking nice about the girl carrying his baby gave him hope. “I assume she’s due after your birthday, Top. Being a parent isn’t easy, but if you’re sure you want to be involved, I can’t stop you and I will support your decision.”

So Topper put in the effort to be Pierce’s friend. He held her hair back when she was dealing with morning sickness. He didn’t miss a single appointment, always in awe that the heartbeat he heard was his baby’s. It wasn’t until Pierce was 18 weeks along that he finally came clean about his feelings. They were at his house, cuddled up on his bed while a thunderstorm raged outside. His hand tracing patterns in the little bump that was just really starting to show on the girl.

“Can I tell you something?” He asked, his blue eyes meeting her green ones.

“Of course you can, Top. We’re friends right?” She told him with a smile. “We’ve got a whole different kind of connection than most friends do.”

“Yeah, friends. What if I wanted to be more, though?” He said. “I mean, I like you Pierce. I’ve liked you long before we hooked up. It’s just, this stupid class war on this fucking island. But, I don’t care about that.”

“I’m glad the feelings are mutual.” She laughed. “I don’t press, Topper, but I’ve had the biggest crush on you since middle school. Never thought any of this would happen.” His lips met hers quickly, softly even. The kiss grew deeper as it continued, and Pierce wasted no time in fumbling with the tie on his sweatpants.

“I’m sorry but I have approximately ten million hormones going through my body and my sex drive is turned up to like two hundred right now” she mumbled against his lips.

“Well luckily for you, I can handle that.” He told her.

At twenty six weeks pregnant, Pierce and Topper went to her father and asked for permission for her to move into his house. She already spent most of her time there, and Topper’s mother had assured Big John that his daughter would be safe there. They wanted to get started on the nursery for their daughter, and knew the château wasn’t going to be big enough for another human, so with his permission, Topper and John B helped Pierce move her stuff into the house on the Figure Eight. Topper invited John B to help him paint the nursery and build the furniture for the room, which pleased Pierce endlessly, as she sat on the back deck in a lawn chair with Sarah and Kie going through baby names and writing down ones she liked.

“Okay so, admittedly Topper and I both have weird names.” She told the girls. “Pierce Adeline and Topper Gordon.”

“Oh my god. Topper’s middle name is Gordon?” Sarah tried not to laugh. “I’m sorry. I’m sure there’s a reason he’s named what he is.”

“There is.” The girls hadn’t heard Topper and John B step out of the house. “Gordon is my mom’s grandfather’s name. I was born on what would have been his 80th birthday. I don’t know why they named me Topper, but I do know why my middle name is that.”

“And you” John B pointed at his sister. “Refused to show the ultrasound lady what you were when our parents found out, but the doctor was like 80% sure we were identical so they assumed you were a boy. You were supposed to be Pierce Andrew, but unfortunately you came out a girl. Mom really liked Pierce though, and since Dad chose my name, they kept it and changed your middle name.”

“Why are we discussing names anyway?” Topper asked, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Coming up with names for baby Thornton?”

“Who said she’s getting your last name? Maybe we’re hyphenating. Thornton-Routledge.” She said. He frowned. “I’m kidding, baby. She’s a Thornton.”

It wasn’t until that night when she was sitting on the couch, watching a movie with her feet up that he came in with her notebook of names that she had asked him to look through. He held it out her sheepishly. Taking it, she noticed two names circled on the list then scrawled in his messy handwriting at the top “Ivy Slone Thornton?”

“Did you come up with this on your own?” She asked.

“As much as I wanna say yes, I can’t. I asked my mom which sounded better. Sloane Ivy or Ivy Sloane.” He told her. “I just think it’s simple, it’s sweet, and it fits our girl.”

“I think you’re right. Ivy Sloane Thornton has a name.”

It was early November when Ivy Thornton decided to make her first appearance two and a half weeks early. Pierce’s water had broken right after dinner the night before but it was still a waiting game. Fourteen hours of screaming, crying, swearing and possibly breaking a couple of Topper’s fingers later, their seven and half pound baby girl was placed on her chest, resulting in tears from both of her parents. As much as she looked like her, Pierce hoped that she kept the blue eyes that matched her father’s. Topper just wanted her to stay that small forever.

Now, six weeks later, they’re in the living room, surrounded by people making last minute deliveries and hanging last minute decorations for the annual Thornton Christmas party. A pitiful wail from the baby in her boyfriend's arms brought Pierce out of her thoughts. She stood up, making grabby hands for the baby as she kissed his cheek.

“Sorry baby, I don’t think you have the goods she’s looking for. You can have her back as soon as she’s done.” She told him. “Why don’t you go shower while I feed her, then you can get her ready. God knows you’re going to put a ridiculous bow on her head”

“She doesn’t have hair, Pierce, let me put bows on our daughter. She looks cute.” He said.

“Mhm. What time is everyone supposed to start arriving?” She asked.

“About six thirty. Mom wants the annual Christmas photo in front of the tree before though.” He said.

This year, instead of just being kook exclusive, the Thornton Christmas party had included invites to the Routledge family and Topper’s three younger siblings — Alex, Leah, and Kyla, who Topper’s mom had met when she reached out to the now ex-girlfriend of his father. The pair had bonded over the fact that Topper’s dad was a piece of shit, and it allowed Topper to finally get to know his siblings.

Pierce was exhausted by the time the party was in full swing. Ivy had been taken by Rafe the moment he came into the building and he’d spent the better part of an hour sitting in a recliner talking to her like she understood a word he was saying. Rafe Cameron had a tough persona, but the moment he came to the hospital to meet Ivy and Topper had introduced her to him as his goddaughter, he melted for the little girl. Once John B and her father arrived, there was a moment of playful bickering between her brother and the oldest Cameron sibling before John B took the baby and spent 20 minutes cooing over her with Sarah.

“Kiss me if I’m right, but I think our daughter might be the star of this party” hands found their way around her waist and a chin was placed on her shoulder.

“I’m too tired to turn around.” She said. “I owe you?”

“Deal. I think if I don’t keep moving I’m gonna fall asleep right here.” He mumbled. “And there’s so many people and lights and sounds that Ivy is living her best life and wide awake.”

“Hopefully that means she’ll let us sleep tonight.” She half joked, finally turning around to bring their lips together.

“A Christmas miracle.” He said. “Merry Christmas, baby. I love you.” She crinkled her nose at him as he said it.

“Merry Christmas, Top.” She whispered. “Thank you for giving me the greatest gift this year. I love you.”

Taglist: @k-k0129 @teelagurl558 @maybankforlife

#topper thornton x oc #topper thorton x reader #topper thornton #topper Thornton x Routledge!oc #outer banks #obx #Austin north #outer banks fic #outer banks imagine #obx fic #obx imagine #topper thornton fic #topper Thornton fluff #topper thornton imagine

[lostinthewiind]

I don’t know if you write for them as well, but could I request a poly fic for Reki, Langa and the reader and maybe them explaining them explaining their relationship to Langas and/or Rekis mom after being caught cuddling together? Thank you in advance and sorry, if you don’t write for them.

Polyamorous Relationship w/ Reki & Langa: Three's a Crowd

A/N: my first request for Reki and Langa! I'm so excited because I love those boys with my whole heart; they deserve the world! So excited to write this!

Rating: PG13

Warnings: use of the term "slut", complex teenage relationships/sexuality discussed

Flopping over onto your back on the bed, you stretched your arms and legs out and let out a loud yawn. You, Reki, and Langa had been working on homework ever since the three of you had arrived at Langa's house after school and you were starting to get mentally exhausted. 

"I'm done!" you exclaimed, shutting your eyes and exhaling.

Peeking at you from where he was lying on the floor, Reki cocked a brow at you. "You finished all of it?"

"No." You shook your head. "I'm just done. My brain hurts. If I do any more I think I might die."

"Good enough for me!" Reki closed his textbook as well and stopped doing his homework too.

Sighing from his spot at his desk, Langa turned in his desk chair to face the two of you. "We have to have this done for tomorrow. You do know that, right?"

"Yes, obviously." You rolled your eyes. "I'm going to do the rest later. I just need a break."

"Exactly. Break time!" Reki stood up from the floor and promptly fell down on top of you on Langa's bed, crushing you and pushing the air out of your lungs in the process. "I'll finish later too."

Langa scoffed. "Y/N I believe . . . but Reki, we all know you'll forget about it tonight and end up scrambling to finish as the teacher goes around collecting it tomorrow morning."

"He does have a point," you wheezed out, trying your hardest to push Reki off of your stomach.

Reki frowned and stuck his bottom lip out dramatically. "You guys are so mean to me." He adjusted himself on top of you so his face was hovering right above yours. "I expected this from Langa, but you, Y/N? I thought you loved me."

You forced out a laugh as you cupped his face with your hands. "I do love you, but that doesn't mean you don't have faults, Reki. I love you despite your faults, and one of your faults is procrastination."

He furrowed his brows, his face scrunching up in thought. "I can't tell if that was a compliment or not."

"The gist was that you're loved," Langa muttered as he continued working away at the homework one question at a time, trying his best to ignore the two of you.

Reki's eyes lit up at that. "Well, good!" He smiled as he cupped your face with his hands in return and pressed a soft kiss to your lips.

Immediately, your cheeks turned red and you averted his gaze. Things between the three of you were still relatively new and you were still working out how a relationship with three people worked, exactly. The fact that neither one of you had ever really had a serious relationship before only made things more complicated.

Noticing your reaction, Reki brushed the pads of his thumbs over your cheeks. "Sorry," he apologized. "I should have asked before I kissed you."

"No, it's okay," you assured him, a soft smile on your face as you did so. "I'm just not used to it yet, especially since our relationship isn't exactly . . . normal."

"I know." Reki hugged you tight and buried his face in your neck, pressing a soft kiss to the skin there. "Did you tell your parents yet?"

You shook your head as your heart began to pound nervously. "No. Did you?"

"Not yet," he mumbled into your neck. "Every time I try to, one of my siblings is around and I abort mission."

Craning your neck, you looked over at Langa. "Did you tell your mom yet, Langa?"

Only half-listening to the conversation, Langa perked at his name but tilted his head quizzically at the inquiry. "Did I tell my mom what?"

"About us," Reki clarified. "The three of us being together."

"Oh." He seemed to grow nervous about the topic as well. "Not yet. Soon."

Finally rolling off of you, Reki laid on his back and pulled you into his side, his arm wrapped around you and your head resting on his chest. "If only we were adults and didn't have to worry about the approval of our parents."

"Yeah," Langa agreed, thoroughly distracted from his homework now, his mind running a mile a minute while he thought about the current predicament. The three of you had to be careful when you went over to each others' houses, trying your best to convince everyone that you were just close friends and nothing more.

Cuddling and kissing were usually reserved for late nights when the sun went down, the lights were turned off, and the three of you hid behind the excuse of watching a movie together. Funnily enough, watching a movie together and cuddling had been how the three of you had discovered your feelings for one another.

"Speaking of that, you two should be careful." Langa gestured to the way you and Reki were holding each other on his bed. "What if my mom walks in?"

"Yeah, you're right," Reki sighed. "I just feel like we never get to be together how we want . . . we're worried about what our parents will think at home and worried about what everyone else will think at school. Nevermind the fact that Langa and I are gay, or, bisexual I guess . . . but polyamory? We'd never hear the end of it."

You exhaled slowly, cuddling closer to Reki. "They'd probably call me a slut for having two boyfriends."

Standing from his chair, Langa walked over to the bed and laid down with you and Reki, forgetting about all of his usual paranoid worries for the time being. "You're not a slut," he told you, wrapping his arms around you as well. "And who cares what anyone else thinks anyway, right? As long as we're happy and we're not hurting anyone else, that's all that matters."

Relishing in the feeling of having your two favourite people on either side of you, you started feeling the stress fade away and your body relax from its usual tense state. "I wish we could stay like this forever."

Before either Reki or Langa had the chance to respond, the bedroom door suddenly swung open and Langa's mom poked her head into the room. "Langa, are you friends staying for dinner or-" She stopped talking as soon as she saw the three of you tangled up in one another on the bed.

Immediately, the three of you jumped away from each other, the stress that had just left filling your body once more. Completely caught off guard since Langa's mom usually knocked first before opening the door, neither one of you knew how to explain away what she had just seen.

"M-mom!" Langa was standing on the opposite side of the room now while you and Reki stood on either side of the bed. "Why didn't you knock?"

Langa's mom eyed the three of you, quickly noticing the flushed faces and obvious nerves radiating off of you. Even if she hadn't thought anything of what she had seen at first, she definitely suspected something now with how the three of you were acting.

"I apologize," she said, pushing the door open all the way and standing in the doorway. "Langa, dear, do you have something you want to tell me?"

Fiddling nervously with his fingers, Langa turned to look at you and Reki, trying to gauge your reactions and decide whether he should tell the truth or try to pull off some sort of lie; but both you and Reki were completely useless as you stared down at the floor and shifted anxiously.

"Langa?" His mom prompted once more.

Finally meeting his mother's gaze, Langa drew in a deep breath. "Can you promise not to be mad?"

Langa's mother quirked a brow quizzically. "You're starting to worry me, honey. Just tell me what's got you so flustered."

"Well . . . u-um," Langa stumbled over his words, completely unsure how he was supposed to just come out and say it. "Well, Mom . . . Reki, Y/N, and I aren't . . . aren't just friends."

Langa's mother folded her arms over her chest and took a minute to process what she had just heard. "I'm sorry, I don't think I understand what you're trying to tell me."

Deciding to rescue Langa from having to ride solo on this, you stepped over to him and took his hand in yours. "Mrs. Hasegawa, Langa and I are dating," you told her.

"Oh, I see." Langa's mom's face flashed with understanding, but then she looked over at Reki, no doubt wondering how he fit into all of this.

"And I'm dating Y/N." Reki stood on the other side of you.

Langa nodded. "And I'm also dating Reki."

The understanding that had once been visible on Langa's mom's face had completely vanished after the three of you had elaborated. "S-so . . ." She paused as she tried to fit all the pieces together in her head. "So the three of you are all dating each other? Is that right?"

"Y-yes," Langa confirmed. "We know people will think it's weird but it's just what makes us happy and I just . . . just please don't be mad."

"Mad?" Langa's mother seemed offended at the insinuation that she could ever be mad at her son for, for lack of a better term, coming out to her more or less. "Oh, dear, I could never be mad at you for who you love."

Before either of you had the chance to process how well that conversation had just gone, Langa's mother was striding over to the three of you and pulling you all into a hug. "All that matters is that you're happy and healthy," she told Langa before looking to you and Reki. "And the same goes for the two of you. I don't know what your parents have said about this, but just remember that being happy and healthy is all that matters."

"Y-you're really okay with this?" Happy tears began to well in Langa's eyes. It was clear that he was overjoyed and shocked that his mother had been so accepting so easily.

Placing her hands on her son's face, Langa's mother smiled at him. "Of course, I am. Is it a little confusing for me? Sure. Do I know much about being in a polyamorous relationship? No. But if the three of you have discovered that this is what makes you happy, as I'm sure you have since you're all old enough to make your own decisions and know what's best for you, then I'm happy as well."

"Thank you!" Langa hugged his mom tightly, silent sobs escaping him as all the worry he had been carrying around for weeks dissipated and he was flooded with relief.

"I'll always love you, no matter what," Langa's mom told him as she glanced at you and Reki, who were starting to tear up as well. "Do your parents know as well?"

You and Reki shook your heads. "No, not yet," you said in unison.

"Well, I hope they are understanding," she told you. "And just know that the three of you are always welcome here."

"Thank you, Mrs. Hasegawa." Reki wrapped his arms around you and held you tight as you cried as well. "Really, thank you so much. We were all scared that everyone would think we were weird or gross."

"People are often scared of things that they think are different," Langa's mom explained to the three of you. "But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with being different. I won't lie and say that everyone will be understanding, but the world is changing . . . don't assume the worst from people just yet; they might surprise you."

With that, Langa let go of his mother and engulfed you and Reki in a hug. Finally, the three of you had safe space where you could be together and not worry about judgmental people looking in on your relationship. 

Overjoyed and unable to control his excitement, Reki planted kisses on both you and Langa—marking the first time either of you had dared show affection in front of someone outside of the relationship.

Hopefully, the first of many. 

#sk8 the infinity #SK8 #lostinthewiind #fluff #polyamorous relationship with reki and langa #kyan reki #hasegawa langa #langa #reki #reader insert #fic request #x reader #polyamory #polyamorous relationships

[raysofcrosby]

ummm i would love a sneak peak if the au!

hehehe wltay au chapter sneak peek #1 / tw: mentions of abortion

He couldn’t believe he’d forgotten her appointment. Just a little over a week ago he’d been sitting across from her as she told him her feared news and then he promised to go with her to her appointment at Planned Parenthood with her before she fell asleep crying in his arms. He was terrified, so he could only imagine how scared she must’ve been– especially when he hadn’t shown up.

God, he hated himself for forgetting. For letting the presence of the Blues players and Coach himself distract him from being able to support her at a time when she no doubtedly needed him most. But he couldn’t help it– the opportunity to workout with current NHL players was there for the taking. And sure he’d done it before since his Dad is who he is, but this was different, so much different. Because he was only a year out from the draft himself. He could practically see himself skating on the ice for his first NHL game.

Which is why he felt so guilty for letting Caroline go alone, even though she said she hadn’t. She might’ve brought Heather into the building and room with her, but Matt was the one she wanted there– she needed there. And he knew it.

After their phone call, Matt kept thinking about it– how he had broken his promise to her about showing up. He’d always been able to keep his promises to her, even all the way in Ann Arbor. He’d promised to go to Junior prom with her, and while Caroline laughed it off, thinking that he was joking...he was buying a plane ticket home.

He tried to keep his focus on working out on the ice with everyone, but the other half of his focus was on Caroline. And how, even though she said it was okay that he forgot and wasn’t there...he knew it wasn’t. So, while taking passes from NHL players, he was thinking about how he could make it up to her. She said she was tired, that she didn’t want to stay up and watch the new episode of 20/20, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have his Dad stop somewhere on the way home so he could grab her a milkshake or some of her favorite ice cream as an ‘I’m sorry, please don’t hate me, I love you’ apology gift.

And he did, he bought her a little chocolate mousse cake he knew that she liked. When he went home, he quickly showered and opted out of dinner, telling his parents he was going over to Caroline’s house. Only when he went over and knocked on the door...it was her Mom that answered. And when he asked if he could see Caroline, she had told him that she wasn’t home, but he could check down the block at Aunt Clara’s rental since she was doing some cleaning and yard work before the new renters were set to move in.

That was weird...when he asked if he could come over to watch 20/20, she said not today and pretty much insinuated that she was too tired and was probably just going to go to bed. Yet...had she gone over to help Aunt Clara with her yard work and house cleaning? Nonetheless, he made his way down the block and knocked on the front door to Aunt Clara’s home. She looked surprised to see him when she answered the door, almost nervous. Which made him nervous.

“Mrs. Susan said Care wasn’t home and to come check over here since you’re in town...can I see her please?” He asked, holding the thawing chocolate mousse container in his hands.

He could see the hesitance in her eyes when she opened her mouth to speak, and for a split second he contemplated cutting her off and asking what was going on and why Caroline was avoiding him. But he didn’t, because Aunt Clara stepped aside, letting him into the house.

“She’s in the master bedroom.” She nodded, closing the door once he walked into the fully furnished house. She led him down the hallway, stopping just before the first guest bedroom and looking at him, a solemn expression on her face. “You two need to talk and I need you to listen to her, okay?”

“Okay...why?” Matt asked, unsure what to make of her ominous warning. Had she known about where Caroline went today? If there was anyone Caroline had told besides him and Heather...it would be Aunt Clara.

Aunt Clara was like her older sister.

“Just...listen to her. Don’t jump to conclusions, don’t get into that on-ice mindset...just listen.” She said, nodding him down the hall.

He walked towards the master bedroom, looking back at Aunt Clara again as she walked out into the living room, before knocking on the bedroom door.

“I’m fine, Aunt Clara.” Caroline spoke, sounding anything but fine.

Matt opened the door slowly, peeking his head in to see Caroline lying down in the bed beneath the sheet and comforter, her back facing him. Aunt Clara, whenever she was in town and cleaning up the house, always stayed here herself since it was cheaper and right down the block from her family. So it wasn’t a surprise that Caroline was so comfortable lying beneath the fresh sheets and blanket.

He slid into the room through the cracked open door, shutting it behind him as he walked towards the bed. “Care?”

She froze, her shoulders stopping mid breath as he moved closer to the bed, yet she still kept her back to him. “I’m tired, Matty.”

“I know...I just wanted to bring you something, but your Mom said you might be down here and Aunt Clara let me in,” he placed the plastic container down on the bedside table and sat down on the edge of the bed, turning towards her. “She said that we needed to talk...but I–I’m not sure what about, Care.”

He keeps his eyes on her, she still hasn’t rolled over to look at him or even moved in general. He heard her start to sniffle and he crawled over to her, holding himself up on his left elbow as he laid behind her, resting his right hand on her arm. “I-I’m sorry.” She sniffled again, wiping at her face with her hands.

“What are you talking about?” He asked, rubbing her arm. “I’m so confused right now, between Aunt Clara and you, I...I don’t know what to think. What’s going on?”

“I lied to you...earlier on the phone. I told you I–” She took a deep, shaky breath and then exhaled, keeping her back to him still. “Matt...I’m pregnant, the test was positive.”

He sat back, rolling off of his side as his hand fell from her arm as it was as if his last breath had been sucked right out of him. “W-What? But you said–”

“I lied,” she replied, speaking softly. “I lied because I–I…” she let out a shaky breath again, and then another sniffle.

“Caroline, bab–” he paused, swallowing back the rest of the word ‘baby’ because he didn’t want to say it, he didn’t even want to think about it. “Please roll over….”

Pregnant. She was pregnant. They were 17 and going to be parents to another human being...a baby.

After wiping at her face again, Caroline rolled over onto her right side, resting her arms up by her head as she looked at him. He could tell she’d been crying for God knows how long. Her eyes were swollen and red, the tip of her nose and her cheeks were red as well. Not to mention the dried streaks old tears had left behind.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you tell me, Care?” He asked, crawling beneath the sheets and comforter before sinking down into the mattress and draping his left arm over her, pulling her into his side. “Why did you tell me the test was negative?”

“Because I...I’m not keeping it,” she whispered, her bottom lip quivering as she looked up at him. “And I didn’t want you to stay behind and be late going up to Ontario.”

He wasn’t sure how to feel, hearing her make that decision without him. Sure, he would’ve done whatever she wanted to do, because it is her body, but it was also half of his baby...and he wasn’t sure how he felt about not being able to grieve that loss if she had done it without him. But more importantly...he didn’t want her to go through that alone.

No one should ever have to go through that alone or make that decision alone. Not at seventeen, not ever.

“I wouldn’t have been mad,” he whispered, his left thumb brushing against her shoulder. “If you would’ve told me you were pregnant on the phone. I want to be with you Care, every step of the way, no matter what you decide you want to do. You just have to be honest with me.”

She nodded, pressing her head further into his chest. “I ran out of my appointment,” she sniffled, brushing her hand up beneath his shirt and rubbing her left thumb against his torso. “The doctor came in, said I was pregnant and it was like I blacked out. She started talking about options and wanting to do an ultrasound to see how far along I was and I...I just ran out.”

He wrapped his right arm around her, rolling her on top of him, his right hand brushing up her shirt as his thumb brushed against the small of her back. “I’m sorry for forgetting,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head. “I never wanted you to go alone...you shouldn’t have had to do that alone.”

She slid both of her arms underneath his back, wrapping him in a hug as she pressed her right ear against his chest, easily hearing his heartbeat. “I was so scared,” she whimpered, tears burning in her eyes. “There were protesters on the street a-and I had to get escorted in and–”

“Did any of them say anything to you?” He asked, his voice stern as he looked towards her for a reaction.

“No, no...they were outside the property. So if they were yelling at me, I wasn’t sure...there were multiple people being escorted.” She replied, turning towards him and resting her chin on his chest. “And being in that room...filling out the paperwork, answering all of their questions and ugh, even peeing in the cup...I just, I felt…”

“I’m sorry,” he frowned, squeezing her lightly. “I’m so fucking sorry, Caroline. I should’ve been there and I’m so mad at myself for forgetting about it.”

“It’s okay, Matty,” she whispered, her hazel eyes brimmed with tears. “It’s your future, I understand.”

He opened his mouth to speak, to oppose her self-made excuse for him...but he couldn’t. Because it is his future. A future he’s dreamed about since before he could even remember. A future that he always planned on sharing with her. And depending on how their current situation plays out...a future that could mean the absolute difference in their lives in terms of support.

“I have to go back,” she said, bringing her left arm up from beneath him and wiping her cheek with the back of her hand. “I have to have an ultrasound so they can figure out how far along I am and...and what options I have.”

He nodded, bringing his right hand out from beneath her shirt and cupping the right side of her face, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “Okay, I’ll be there. Hell, we can even spend the night here or something, that way you know I’ll be there. I’ll drive.”

She laughed, her lips quivering again as she nodded, tears brimming in her eyes once more. “I’d love that...please.”

“Don’t worry,” he whispered, his thumb brushing away a falling tear. “I’ll be right there with you.”

He leaned his head forward and kissed her before letting his head rest back into the pillow, his hand brushing through her hair as she rested her head on his chest. With her head resting against his chest, he knew he was out of her eyesight and the calm demeanor he’d managed to keep on his face, quickly fell. His eyebrows furrowed, his nose would scrunch and his lips twitched, all in an attempt to stop himself from letting that burning feeling in his eyes win.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t just seen their dreams and futures going down the drain, he totally did. How the hell were they supposed to raise and parent a baby when they were only seventeen? The two had just gotten grounded not too long ago when they were at the beach house in Florida because they failed to come back at curfew, too busy sitting out on the beach alternating between making out and staring up at the night sky, talking about the future.

A future where he’d be off in his rookie year in the NHL, hopefully close by to her at Boston, where she’d be playing field hockey for the next four years and working on her Bachelors. And in the summers, they’d fly back home together and spend those months together and with their families before jetsetting back to Boston in the fall. And not that she knew this part, but by graduation, he hoped to have saved enough money to buy her an engagement ring worthy of her and that showed just how important she was to him. She’d go to grad school and when she finished, they’d get married that offseason and who knows, maybe start a family soon after like his parents had done.

It was his six, almost seven year plan.

But it seemed as if they’d skipped those very important first few steps that was going to be the platform of the foundation his plan sat on– because suddenly, 23 or 24, newly married and maybe starting a family, turned into seventeen and expecting a baby. No college degrees, no NHL salary, no engagement ring– nothing. Life literally laughed in their faces and said, ‘hey, here’s a baby instead, enjoy!’

#frederickanderson #answered #wltay

[honey-dewey]

Little Leather Boots

Pairing: Shane ‘Dio’ Morrissey/Reader

Words: 4,442

Warnings: Reader is pregnant and is very worried about it, mentions of abortion but it doesn’t happen, lots of tears, a very worried and loving Dio, mention of c-section, I think that’s it folks. 

Permanent Taglist: @phoenixhalliwell

After one too many wild nights with your goth boyfriend, you somehow wind up pregnant, which you didn’t even think was possible considering that you and Dio always used protection. But here you are, pregnant and terrified that Dio ‘I hate kids’ Morrissey will be pissed. No matter what happens, it’s going to be a very long nine months. 

You woke up to an empty bed, as was the unfortunate usual. Your body ached in all the right places as you slid into Dio’s shirt from last night and your own pyjama bottoms. The apartment was cold, too cold as you headed to the bathroom, yawning widely. 

It was only when you opened the bathroom door that the nausea hit you like a truck. You immediately felt your knees go weak, gagging and dry heaving over the sink. When you resurfaced, you rinsed your mouth out and met your own teary eyes in the mirror. Wiping away the evidence, you picked up your phone, trailing slowly to the kitchen. Grabbing a water bottle from the fridge, you called into work, taking the day off. 

The next thing you did was text Dio. He was, understandably, worried. You told him you felt better, and that it was probably just a stomach bug or something. Nothing to worry about, nothing to come home early for. 

Truthfully, you were feeling better. Too better. Settling on the couch, you googled problems where nausea was a symptom. Not much came up that was possible. A stomach bug, but nausea was your only symptom. Same went for the flu and all the other illnesses. And then, right at the end of the list, was pregnancy. 

You scoffed it off, tossing your phone down. As much as Dio complained in the first few weeks, he always used a condom. Always. You’d asked him once if he ever wanted kids, and his response had been a steady fuck no. 

But then you began to think about it harder. You’d always had irregular and unpredictable periods, so the fact that you hadn’t had one in a while wasn’t super suspicious, and your weight had fluctuated, but that was because Dio insisted on a cherry pie last week. No, you couldn’t be pregnant. 

“But what if,” you whispered out loud, looking at the wall and sinking into thought. “It would explain a lot.” 

Deciding to prove to yourself that you were absolutely not pregnant, you stood and put on a decent pair of pants, scooping up your wallet and heading to the CVS. 

The closer the drug store got, the more nervous you became. What if you were pregnant? Would you get rid of the baby? Would Dio dump you if you didn’t want to? Who would take care of you and your baby? 

Shaking your head, you walked into the CVS and took a breath. This would be very easy because you were definitely not pregnant. 

You grabbed a three pack of tests and stood in the self checkout line, hyperaware of the heavily pregnant woman behind you. As you rang up your purchase and dug around in your wallet, you heard her sigh. “I remember when I bought mine.” 

“Pardon?” 

“Sorry!” The woman said sweetly, smiling at you. “I was just remembering when I bought my test for my baby. It’s a magical day.” 

You tried to smile back. “Magical.” 

The woman nodded. “Does your husband know?” 

“I’m not married,” you breathed, staring down at the CVS bag with watering eyes. “He hasn’t, I don’t know if he’ll,” 

“Oh sweetie,” the woman said, coming closer and putting an arm around you. “I'm so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” 

You shook your head, wiping away tears. “It’s not your fault,” you said softly. “You didn’t know.” 

The woman sighed, rubbing your arm. “Darling, go home, drink some water, and take the test. I promise, no harm can come from just knowing.” 

Nodding, you took your purchase and waved to the woman. She waved back as you began your short walk to your apartment. 

Taking her advice, you drank water, read over the instructions in the pregnancy test box, and immediately moved everything into the bathroom. 

As soon as you shut the door, you called one of Dio’s friends. Raven was a close confidant of yours and could probably be trusted with this secret. 

“Yo,” Raven said as she picked up. 

“Raven I think I might be pregnant.” 

“I’m sorry, what?” Raven asked. “Did you take a test yet, are you sure?” 

You sat in the bathtub, shaking your head. “Not yet,” you mumbled. “I bought a few.” 

Raven made a noise of sympathy. “Dolly, do you want me over there?” 

“Yes please,” you said, hating how weak you sounded. 

“Be there in five.” 

The apartment was deafeningly silent for five minutes before Raven forewent knocking and just opened your front door. “Dolly, where are you?” 

“Bathroom!” 

Raven’s concerned face appeared in your bathroom door. She took in the likely pitiful sight of you sitting in the bathtub and immediately joined you. “Hon, you’re a hot fucking mess in here.” 

“I know,” you said, head in your hands. “The tests are on the counter. I haven’t taken them yet.” 

“You should,” Raven said, standing and passing you one of the tests. “Worst case scenario, you are knocked up and Dio gets mad, so I kick his ass and take you to my place.” 

You snorted and stood. “Thanks Rav,” you said softly, taking the test. “Now get out of the bathroom.” 

Two agonizing minutes later, you’d washed your hands and taken the tests, not necessarily in that order. Raven knocked, and you opened the door for her. 

“Can I be the Godmother?” She asked, leading you out of the bathroom and away from the tests that need a few minutes. 

“What?” 

“If you are pregnant,” she explained. “Can I be the Godmother?” 

You sighed. “Raven, I’m not even sure I’m going to keep the baby yet if I’m pregnant.” 

Raven dramatically rolled her eyes. “Killjoy,” she groaned, falling into your couch. “Okay, better question. How’re you gonna tell Dio?” 

It was something you hadn’t considered yet. “Uh.” You fidgeted with a pillow, trying to think. “I don’t know. Eventually, I guess he’ll find out when I start looking like I swallowed a planet, but, well, I dunno.” 

A timer dinged in the background, and Raven shot to her feet. “Do you wanna look first or should I?” 

“You do it,” you said, suddenly feeling like your mouth was full of cotton. You watched Raven open the bathroom door, pick up the test, and stare down at it. 

“Hey Doll,” she said, leaning her hip against the bathroom door frame and holding up the test. “Positive. All three of them.” 

Your breath stopped. “Really?” A horrible euphoria spread through your body as you took the test from Raven. Sure enough, it said positive. “Oh my god.” 

Raven left shortly after that, apologizing that she couldn’t stay longer. 

“You call me if Dio flips his shit,” she said, hugging you close. “If he won’t take care of it, I promise I’ll be the best damn auntie in New York.” 

You smiled, waving to her as she went. Sitting on the couch, finally alone, you picked up your phone and dialed a familiar number. 

“Baby?” 

“Hey Mama,” you said, twisting a necklace Dio had gotten you last year. “I have something important to tell you.” 

Your mother gasped. “Are you engaged? Did he finally ask?”

You sighed, smiling to yourself. Despite her original hang ups with your goth boyfriend, she’d come to love Dio like he was one of her own kids, and had been pestering since your four year anniversary to get married. “No Mama, he hasn’t proposed. But I, well, I might need to come spend some time with you. For a while.” 

“Oh darling, what happened?” 

You took a breath, trying to force the words out of your mouth. “I’m pregnant.” 

There was silence on the other end. “Mama?” 

“Baby,” your mother said, voice thick with tears. “Baby are you happy?” 

You began to cry too. “Yes Mama, I think I am.”

Your mother let out a breath. “That’s all I care about. If you’re happy, I’m happy. Oh your father is going to be thrilled! Does Dio know?” 

“Not yet,” you said, nerves returning. “I don’t know when or how I’m gonna tell him, but I’m just terrified he’ll be mad.” 

“Mad that you’re pregnant with his baby?” 

“Mama, he hates kids,” you reminded. “That’s why I might have to come stay with you. Raven offered to help me, but if things go south, I want you.” 

Your mother was quiet for a second. “Of course. Should I tell your father?” 

You smiled. “Please do. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” 

“You call me as soon as you tell him, no matter what. I want to congratulate or yell at him.” 

Laughing, you said goodbye to your mother and hung up, leaving you alone to figure out how you’d break the news to Dio. 

He came home hours later, finding you on the couch watching bad reality TV. “That bad, hm?” 

You groaned. “You have no idea.” You’d cleaned the bathroom and hid the evidence, stashing one pregnancy test in your bedside table and throwing the other two out. 

Dio chuckled, falling onto the couch and kissing you. “How’re you feeling?” 

“Better,” you lied. “Raven came around and kept me company for a bit, and then my mom called because apparently we hadn’t talked in a while.” 

“Did she ask if we were engaged?” 

“What do you think?” You laughed, leaning against Dio’s chest. “Oh! Guess what!” 

“Hm?” 

You pulled out your phone, scrolling through Instagram until you found a specific photo. “My old high school best friend is pregnant!” 

Dio squinted at the photo, and you smiled, handing him his glasses from the coffee table. He was technically supposed to wear them all the time, but he said they ruined his vibe so he never actually wore them. 

“Which one is this?” He asked, adjusting his glasses and looking at you. 

“Bridgit, the cute blonde who accidentally started a fire in the gym.” 

Dio nodded. “She’s huge.” 

You snorted, taking your phone back. “She’s eight months pregnant, Dio. Of course she’s huge. I dunno how I’d handle being that pregnant.” 

“Yeah well,” Dio said, standing. “You’ll never have to.” 

That sent a bolt of fear through you. Resting a hand on your stomach, against the nearly invisible baby you were protecting, you spoke with a certain caution. “You really don’t want kids, do you?” 

“We’ve had this talk,” Dio reminded, sitting back down with a drink in hand. “No, I don’t. I’d be a shit father.” 

“Aw, I think you’d be great at it,” you said, trying to ease your nerves. “Dio Morrissey, holding a tiny little baby, I can see it now.” 

Dio chuckled, nudging you. “Where’s all this coming from? We haven’t talked babies in a year.” 

You shrugged. “I’m not exactly getting younger,” you mumbled. “And when Mama called, she asked me when I was planning on having kids.” 

“Oh,” Dio breathed, putting an arm around you. “What’d you say?” 

“I-“ you faltered, meeting Dio’s deep brown eyes. You hoped, very fleetingly, that your baby would have his eyes. “I told her,” you said slowly, realizing it was now or never. “I told her I was already pregnant, Dio.” 

It was like time stopped. Dio’s eyes went wide, his entire body stilling. “You’re kidding,” he said, so softly you almost didn’t hear. “I don’t, I mean, baby why are you crying?”

You wiped your eyes, chest heaving. “I love you so much, and I don’t want to leave, and I don’t want to get rid of the baby, and I’m scared Dio!” You stumbled over your words, still sobbing. 

Dio shook his head, pulling you close. “I would never make you leave,” he promised. “Not over this.” 

You went still, relaxing in the familiar arms. “You- you’re not mad?” 

“Mad?” Dio pulled away, cradling your face in his hands. “No! I could never be mad at you! It wasn’t your fault and you had no control over any of this.”

Then, you asked the all important question. “Are we going to keep it?” 

Dio took your hands, squeezing them tight. “Do you want to keep it? I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to, okay? Think about yourself, not me. What do you want?” 

You thought about it, finally coming to a conclusion after a minute. “I want to keep it.” 

“Okay then,” Dio said. “I guess we’re having a baby.” 

The rest of the night was a whirlwind. You called your mother, and she and your father congratulated you and made you promise to come visit soon. Raven was also called, swearing violently at Dio until you reassured her that he was okay with the scenario. 

After dinner, you made tea for yourself, standing in the kitchen in Dio’s pyjamas. He came up behind you, spanning his hands across your belly. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” you said, leaning into his touch. “Your hands are freezing.” 

You two spent the better part of the night like that. You resting and Dio always with a hand on your belly, thumb stroking over the dip of your waist or the divot of your hip bone. 

“You sir,” you said when you finally got into bed and Dio put a protective hand over your waist. “Are obsessed.” 

“I can’t help it,” Dio purred softly, kissing your forehead. “My darling is going to be a mother, and I’m going to be a father. I’m not obsessed. I’m protecting.” 

You smiled. “Same thing.” 

The next month was surprisingly hard. You weren’t really showing, but Dio rubbed your belly anyway. He was surprisingly physically affectionate, and did something that shocked you to your core. 

He quit smoking. 

For almost thirty days, you and him struggled in your own ways, always there to hold the other up as Dio’s hands shook and you dry heaved literally every morning. 

Finally, you had a doctor’s appointment. You’d see your baby for the first time and find out how far you were. As you wiggled into a shirt, you turned in the mirror and gasped. “Dio!” 

Dio came rushing into the bathroom. “What’s wrong?” 

You pressed a hand over your belly. “Look.” 

Coming up behind you, Dio grinned when he saw what you were seeing. A baby bump. An unmistakable baby bump. 

“She’s real,” Dio breathed, and you grinned. 

“What makes you think I’m having a girl?” 

Dio smiled, kissing the back of your neck. “I want a girl.” 

You laughed. “Dio, the sex of our baby is not dependent on your desires.”

“But it should be,” Dio said. “Because I want a girl.” 

“Why?” You asked, tugging on a sweater and covering the bump. 

Dio shrugged. “I had to look after four brothers growing up,” he explained. “I kinda want to take care of a baby girl now.” 

You smiled. “You’re a sap.” 

“I’m your sap,” he corrected, stepping into his boots and zipping them up. “C’mon, we don’t wanna be late.” 

The trip to the doctor was odd. Your doctor was a lovely older man who, while he was a bit blunt, was soft spoken and genuinely seemed to care. 

“And there’s your baby,” he said, turning the screen so you could see. He adjusted the transducer on your belly and you took a big breath, finally seeing your baby. 

“She’s beautiful,” Dio murmured, squeezing your hands. 

“They.” 

“She.” 

“Dio!” You said playfully. “We don’t know the sex yet!” 

The doctor chuckled, moving the transducer a bit. “Looks like everything is developing as expected. You’re about twelve weeks, or three months along, although it’s hard to tell because you’re not sure of the date of conception. But, if you’re at three months now, then your due date should be mid-April. However, if the baby is a week or two early or late, we shouldn’t worry.” 

“And when can we learn the sex?” Dio asked, still holding your hands. 

“We can typically start to see it at about 18 weeks, but we’ll take a look at 22 just to be sure we can see it,” the doctor said, putting the transducer down and wiping your belly off. “We can schedule your next appointment for the sex of the baby now, if you want.”

You and Dio both nodded. “Thank you so much doctor,” you said as you tugged your shirt back over your stomach. 

In the next ten weeks, you and Dio began to get ready for a baby. Your old spare room in the apartment that no longer smelled like cigarettes was cleared out and turned into a beautiful nursery. Despite your insistence that it couldn’t be painted black, Dio still managed to put his touch in it. By the time you were getting ready for your second appointment, the nursery was basically done. 

“I think we did good,” you decided, looking at the nursery as you went to grab Dio so you wouldn’t be late. The walls were a smooth cream color, with the same hardwood as the rest of the apartment covered in a soft black rug. The furniture was all black, with white detailing on the crib’s blankets. Dio had found a gorgeous Edgar Allen Poe blanket that he’d insisted upon, and that was how the classic gothic literature theme came to be. After the blanket came a mobile that had ravens, and then a few picture frames with Dio’s favorite Poe passages. 

“Me too,” Dio said, standing from where he’d been attempting to read a book and coming over to kiss you. “Ready?” 

You nodded. “Absolutely. Mama’s still mad we aren’t having a gender reveal party.” 

“Gender is a construct,” Dio reminded you with a soft smile. “As long as our bean is healthy, I will be happy.” 

Grinning, you made a face as the baby kicked you. “Ow! Tiny motherfucker’s already got your punches,” you grumbled, rubbing a hand over your belly. 

Dio chuckled. “Can’t inherit an ability to throw a punch.” 

“Yeah, well,” you said lowly. “If this kid keeps this up, I won’t have much by way of internal organs when we’re done here.” 

Your second appointment was less stressful than the first. You were out of the danger zone with the risk of miscarriage, and today was all about being happy. 

“Alright,” the doctor said, pressing the transducer to your belly and beginning to move it around. “22-ish weeks, how’re we feeling?” 

“I’m getting six hours of sleep a night and eating almost double what I was last year,” you said, staring up at the ceiling. “I feel terrible.” 

The doctor smiled. “And you, Mr. Morrissey?” 

Dio shrugged. “I’ve gotten used to living with the world’s crankiest pregnant person.” 

“Bitch,” you said under your breath, smiling while you did it. 

“Mhm,” Dio kissed your hand, the warmth of his face a weird contrast to the cold of his lip piercing. “Love you too.” 

The doctor turned the screen towards you. “Alright. Are we ready?” 

You and Dio both nodded. 

“So, there’s the head,” the doctor said, pointing to the screen. “Hands, feet, everything is developing normally, and it looks like you’re having a little girl. Congratulations.” 

You and Dio walked out of that appointment and immediately stopped for ice cream, at your request. You eagerly texted everyone, giving them the news, and Dio handed you a cup of bright pink ice cream. “Congratulations.” 

“Thank you,” you said, taking a bite of the ice cream and sitting on a bench, rubbing your belly. “So, you must be over the moon. You’re getting your little girl.” 

Dio grinned, leaning against your shoulder. “Baby, I have never been happier.” 

Three weeks later, sometime during month 6, you started to feel the euphoria die. You were in pain, and lots of it. Every day, the baby seemed to find new ways to make you suffer. Shifting around and sitting practically on your bladder at one in the morning, giving you hellish cravings that made Dio gag more than once, and for a whole week you had nausea so powerful that you could barely eat. No matter how many times Dio kissed over the now obvious swell of your belly, you felt a creeping horror at the stretch marks you were now sporting. 

“Oh my god!” You hissed, crawling out of bed and swearing violently as you began to make slow laps around the apartment, trying to ease your pain. “Fuck!” 

As you trailed from the kitchen to the bedroom, you felt something warm trickle down your leg. Looking down, a gripping terror took your heart as you realized exactly what had just happened. Three months early, your water had broke. You felt your breath quicken as you did the only rational thing. You screamed for Dio. 

“Shane!” You yelled, the panic forcing his given name out of your mouth. “Fuck! Shane!” 

Dio came skidding out of the bedroom in all his half asleep glory, eyes wide. “What’s wrong?” He said, voice urgent. “Babe? Talk to me!” 

“Water,” you gasped, reaching out to him. “Shit. Water just broke.” 

“What?” Now Dio’s panic met yours, but he was significantly better at keeping a level head. “Okay, not freaking out. We are not freaking out. Look at me. That’s it, there we go.” As he talked, he led you from the puddle of amniotic fluids on the kitchen floor to the bedroom, folding up a towel and guiding you to sit. “I’ll call the doctor, okay? You just relax.” 

Dio scooped his phone up, anxiously dialing the number for the office. 

“Hello? Yes, my partner’s water just broke. Yes, they’re about twenty five week. Of course. Yes. Definitely. Okay, thank you.” 

He hung up, sitting next to you and putting a careful hand on your back. “Babe. C’mon, we’ve got to get to the hospital.” 

You nodded, standing and gripping Dio’s hand as he led you to the car, laying the towel down in the passenger seat and helping you sit. 

“Baby, listen to me,” Dio said softly, taking your hand as soon as he was in the car. “The doctor said you’re probably going to be okay, and so is the baby. 25 weeks is super early, but there’s a high chance you’ll both be okay.” 

“Okay,” you said, placing your hands over your belly. “It seems she’s also inherited your dramatic flair.” 

Dio chuckled. “Close your eyes. We’ll be there before you know it.” 

Despite the late hour, the hospital was alive with activity. A kind nurse led you to the delivery wing, gave you a hospital gown, and promised to get the doctor. 

He was in the room within minutes, checking your dilation and sighing. “So,” he said, standing. “We’ve got options here. Option one, a natural birth. Technically possible, but risky. Option two, c-section. Less risky, but it leaves a scar and you’d need more recovery time.”

It wasn’t a hard choice for you. “Whatever’s safest for the baby.” 

The doctor nodded. “Okay. C-section it is. Mr. Morrissey, if I could ask you to leave the room.”

“What?” 

“With the baby being this early, we don’t want anything to complicate the procedure,” the doctor explained. “Please, I promise we’ll get you if anything major happens.” 

“Wait!” You shouted, gripping Dio’s hand. “He can’t stay?” 

“I’m sorry,” the doctor said. “But no.” 

Dio’s hands were shaking as you kissed them. “Darling, I’ll be fine,” you promised. “Dio, hon, look at me. Just go wait outside. I’ll yell if I need anything.” 

Dio turned to the doctor after kissing you and rasping out a soft farewell. “You come get me if anything goes wrong,” he said softly, so you wouldn’t hear. “And if you have to choose between one or the other,” he glanced at you, knowing you’d actively disagree with what he was about to say. “You save my partner, okay?” 

The doctor nodded. “Of course,” he said. “You can wait right there. This won’t take long, I promise.” 

Apparently, the doctor was a big fat liar. Almost an hour later, Dio was leaning against your mother’s shoulder, half asleep. It had taken so long that they’d had time to show up, which wasn’t helping Dio’s building anxiety. 

Finally, finally, a nurse opened the door. “Morrissey?” 

Dio jumped to his feet, despite almost falling asleep mere minutes before. “Yes?” 

“The procedure was a success,” the nurse explained. “Both your partner and your daughter are okay. Would you like to see?” 

Dio’s heart pounded as he entered the room. You looked completely exhausted, pale and sweaty but alive. You smiled upon seeing him, weakly gripping his hand. “Told you,” you mumbled. 

He grinned, but his attention was soon grabbed by the tiny baby in the room. She was connected to more wires and tubes than you were, but Dio didn’t care. He put a hand against the glass of the chamber she was in, tears starting to flow. “She’s perfect.” 

“She is,” you agreed, looking at your baby. “Is my mama here?” 

Dio nodded, still entranced by the baby. “Welcome to the world,” he said softly. “Athena Morrissey.” 

You and Athena were in the hospital for another month, Dio visiting daily to see you and hold you upright as you saw your little girl. She kept getting stronger, defying every odd and surprising you whenever she could.

It was hard, the first few weeks home. Athena would be in the NICU for a bit longer, until she was healthier, but Dio told you that this was just a chance to truly prepare for the little bundle of joy. 

The day you took her home was a tear jerker. Dio insisted on carrying her through the door, the tiny little thing swaddled in his arms as he gave the dead asleep Athena an apartment tour. 

That night, you smiled, watching Dio away back and forth with Athena in his arms. He’d abandoned his jacket for the comfort of something softer, Athena’s white onesie a contrast against his black shirt. 

“Y’know how, almost ten months ago, I joked that I could totally see you holding a baby,” you said softly, standing and moving to Dio’s side. 

“Yeah?” 

You smiled, stroking a finger down Athena’s cheek. “You look so natural like this,” you said. “You’re gonna be an amazing father.” 

“And you will be an amazing mother,” Dio said, kissing you. “Can you grab something out of my pocket?” 

Nodding, you reached into Dio’s pocket and stopped when your fingers brushed something small and metal. “Dio.” 

“Darling.” 

You pulled a beautiful ring out of his pocket, your emotions getting the better of you. “Are you proposing?” 

Dio grinned. “Figured it was time. Is that a yes?” 

You nodded. “Yes. Dio Morrissey, I cannot wait to marry you.”

#nypd blue #shane 'dio' morrissey #dio morrissey #dio morrissey x reader #dio morrissey x you #Pedro Pascal #My writing

[im-gayer-in-french]

Why having an adult, textually bi character mattered to me, a woman who figured out she was bi while binge watching supernatural as an adult: a mega thread.

A fictional character can teach you a lot about yourself. You love and identify with their good qualities, sure, but I think the part you really resonate with is their flaws. For me, Dean Winchester was a window into my life that I was not always comfortable with. He lied constantly to shield his vulnerabilities, he misplaced his anger and often took it around out on the people closest to him, he repressed what he wanted for what people told him he should be, he was forced to grow up too fast and take on the role of a parent when his own failed, and his self-worth was so low that he contemplated suicide at multiple points in the show.

So when I was at my most depressed, my most repressed, and seethed with a self destructive anger I could not define, I picked up supernatural again. And again. Coming back to it over and over like the warmth of a blanket on a chilly November morning. Through him I learned to temper out my toxic edges and through him, I began to hate myself a little less.

Bisexual Awakening is a funny thing. You don't really have a moment of euphoria were the light bulb pops up over your head and suddenly the whole world makes sense. It's more of a quiet thing that in the moment doesn't seem very big. You realize you're #not-as-strait-as-you-thought-you-were, go "yeah that makes sense". Then spend the next year of your life revisiting all formative memories and going "oh. Oooooooh. I might have been a little in love with my best friend in high school."

Coming out though... is frustrating. There's no one big moment of coming out, it's a hundred conversations you have with a hundred different people. In the first couple months of coming out I was met with 1) a solicitation for a 3-way(ew) 2) a long speech about how I would have to choose a side of the fence eventually 3) a LOT of really stupid questions but I couldn't actually get mad at because I had asked all the same things in high school 4) speeches about immorality 5) hurtful assumptions by other queer people 6) deafening silence.

You know the one that hurt the most? The empty, hollow silence.

My mom and I used to watch supernatural together (she's a Sam girl by the way). She loved relationship between Dean and Castiel but always handwaved any time drifted into shipping territory as "why can't men ever be friends". I don't remember if it was during one of these conversations that I first told her I was bi, because my memory does not work linearly and I have told her so many times that they have all begun to blend together into a white haze. I know at least that it was among the first. But I told her and I was met with nothing.

I had prepared myself for anger, for disgust, to be kicked out of her house immediately (I mean she had once over a conversation about abortion, so it wouldn't have been surprising) but I had never considered that she would have nothing to say. It's been nearly 4 years now and she still has never come close to acknowledging that I am not the straight, God fearing daughter that she expected me to be. Every time a conversation brings it up, it is changed. She packs me away into a box, her eyes slide over pride stickers and bright colored wristbands as if they do not exist. And I feel like sometimes, I don't exist. Not to her anyway. Nor is she the only one who speaks to me with their fingers in their ears.

And it makes me furious that they can do that. Because I can pass as a straight person they never have to acknowledge anything beyond that. They can put me in a little box and stick it on a shelf. I can see the relief in their eyes when I talk about my boyfriend, because if I'm not actively dating a woman, they can pretend I'm not queer. They come so close to the truth and look away because it's not something they want to see. Bi people are scary, I think, because we hit a little too close to home. It's easier to accept a black and white version of gay or straight because it gives you a clear "this is what I am and this is what I'm not" mentality so you don't have to look too closely at it. You bat for a single team. But bisexuality blurs the edges. It makes you question where you fall and I think a lot of "straight" people are afraid of the answer.

So when I talk about bi-erasure, it is not from a place of ignorance or assumptions. It comes from a place of quiet pain. Years of hurt and shame, and a desire to scream. I know that I'm not the only one.

That's why it matters so much that Dean was silenced, that the final episodes of supernatural, which had for so long developed the relationship between Castiel and Dean along the sidelines, brought them front and center only to abandon them at the last minute. Castiel's confession is ignored by the narrative, his character brought back by a throwaway line in the final episode. His sacrifice and love are never acknowledged. DEAN is never allowed to acknowledge them. We are being told to ignore years of subtext because we are not allowed to see Dean as anything but the hyper-masculine soldier, wooer of women and lover of pie of the surface text. "Don't look too close" the show is telling us. The swathes of gray look like a fine line from far away.

#supernatural #they silenced you #theysilencedthem #destiel #castiel #casdean #dean winchester #season 15 #spoilers #this is terribly written #so I apologize #really rambly too #y'all don't want to hear from my personal shit

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #459

“i wanted you to know that i love the way you laugh  /  i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away”

Does the person you like have any flaws? He's never seemed very expressive of what he feels. Has anyone ever given you a ring? Why? Yes. Because it was our anniversary and he wanted to, ig. If you ruled your own country, what type of government would it have? I'm not educated enough to answer this. Creation theory, Evolution or the Big Bang theory? I really don't know what I believe about the origins of the universe, but I do believe in evolution. Describe one of your most emotional farewells. The last time I saw Jason and we talked for a long time, and I finally got my closure. It was all so heavy. It started so stiffly, but it ended with us just chatting and smiling and, to my absolute shock, a hug from him. I'm getting emotional so NEXT QUESTION. What was your last serious conversation about? I was reassuring and comforting Sara about some stuff. Is there a city that you have a particular fondness for? If so, what city is it and why? No. Are there any gnomes in your yard? No. When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Years ago. A bumblebee. Are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? I am old enough, and no. The odds are way, way too small, and I don't really dabble in addictive behavior. Have you ever been into a real cave? No. :( That's a life goal, though. Have you ever posted mean comments on YouTube? I know I did once as a kid. It was regarding Meerkat Manor and I thought it was really disrespectful to Flower just because of the music chosen lmao. The drama. What color is your digital camera, if you have one? Black. If you had to spend one day in any movie storyline, which one would it be? Alice in Wonderland, I suppose? Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Oh man, I've played waaaaay too many video games. I suppose Silent Hill with how confused it left me at first. Its concept is definitely wild. Parasite Eve is high on the list, too. In your opinion, what is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Boy in the Striped Pajamas destroys me. What is the best song to make out to? I could answer this but I'm not gonna lmfao Is there anyone right now that you are simply/overly infatuated with? story of my life ayyyyeeeee Who was the last person to play with your hair? Are they cute? Not a clue. Who was the last person close to you that died? Did you cry? Jason's mom. I sobbed on-and-off for days. Do you consider yourself a healthy person? Physically and mentally? No, in either way. Do you know anyone who owns a boat? My dad does. I'm sure others, too, with how popular fishing out on a boat is here. Do you know anyone who uses medical marijuana? I don't know. Even for medicinal purposes, it's not legal here. Do you know anyone who’s died in childbirth? No. What did you do for your 21st birthday? I was in the psych hospital, so... lmao. Therapy, reading, and coloring. Lots of reading and coloring. Because they did NOT fill your schedule enough there. We only had two group therapy sessions a day, and the rest was just... blankness. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? I know I'd be one of the dumb ones that absolutely wanted a tiny raptor, lol. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? Not interested. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? I don't like soup. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? My first real series that I read religiously was Hank the Cowdog. Then it was Warriors. Do you buy Halloween candy when it’s on sale after the holiday? No. I really don't need candy available to me. Do you agree with the “they’re just being kids” excuse? It depends on what they're doing. In a lot of cases, no. Do you ever watch talk shows? No. Do you have a/any hero(s)? Mark Fischbach, Steve Irwin, my mom... Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? No. Though Mom has playfully once told me that she knows a lot of things I don't think she does, and that's terrifying lmao. You’re getting married. Who’s your maid of honor and best man? M.o.H.: Mom or Sara. Best man isn't my choice. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head? DYE IT ALLLLLLL. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? My friendship ring w/ Sara. It has a heart carved on the outside and "bitch" engraved inside so no one can see when you have it on, lol. She has one that says "jerk." It's a Supernatural reference. Who challenges you the most? In what way? My therapist and psychiatrist. They just help ensure I pursue my goals and give me little nudges forward to reassure me. Who seems to hold you back? In what way? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT ME. I listen to my anxiety WAY too much. What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? Going up to Lake Gaston w/ Mom to visit Ash and her fam. They go there all the time, and it's a real nice place. I just didn't want to go because of the heat. Should there be an application process for having children? Hunny, that would not stop people from fuckin lmfao Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? m e e r k a t s What is a fear you have about living on your own? That depression would get the better of me and I'd neglect taking good care of my house. One of the many reasons I'll never live alone. Not at all saying I'd leave the responsibilities to my partner, but they'd be motivation for me to get stuff done. What’s the worst name your mom has ever called you? I don't know. Nothing that bad. What’s your stance on spooning? It helps me feel safe and loved and alsdkfjalwe I just love cuddling in all sorts lmao What’s your most recent obsession? Violet Orlandi & Melodicka Bros' cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." Have you ever been scammed? Ha ha, yes. I once wanted to get Jason a Joker and Harley Quinn pillow from deviantART; talked to the artist, paid 'em, never got it. :^) Have you ever fostered an animal? No. I would get WAY too attached to foster. I wouldn't be able to give them up without breaking down, probs. Do you know anyone who acts way younger than what they are? I'm sure I do, but no one is coming to mind atm. Would you say you’re a pretty independent person? God no. Does the last song you listened to, remind you of someone? JASON. Do you currently want a new computer? Yes, actually. I want a desktop PC for better gaming quality, honestly. Also, the "escape" key doesn't work on this laptop, one key is missing so I have to hit the sensor JUST right, and it restarts randomly sometimes. I want a PC mainly because I want to get out of the habit of being on my laptop in bed all damn day. How would your parents react if you got a tattoo? I already have like six or seven, so they wouldn't be surprised. Is there anyone you can picture yourself being with forever right now? Maybe. Who is your truest friend? Sara. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen outside of your house? THIS house? Idk. Nothing that I'd consider odd. What bug frightens you most? STAG BEETLES lkadjslkfja;lwekjawl;kejrlawer Who is your oldest friend? That would be Sam, and he's in his mid-30s. How long have you known them? Many years. We met via WoW, which I've been playing since '14. I don't really remember how far into it we met, though. Where are they right now? lol I wouldn't know, he's all the way in Jersey. Plus we haven't talked in a while. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? God no, that would be so weird. What is the best gift someone can give you? An ear to listen without it feeling like a chore to them. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? No. I don't think I could do it. What is the last movie that made you cry? The The Lion King remake made me tear up. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No. Ugh, that sounds like a blast. In your life who has meant the most to you? Let's not get into this. What has been your biggest failure in life? Letting depression and my other conditions take away my identity, becoming my new identity. Do you trust yourself? No. I second-guess EVERYTHING and never know what I should listen to: my heart, my head, my gut... or which voice is what. Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances? Yes. What was the last bug you killed? Some kind in the bathroom. Idk what it was. Just a little thing that sort of resembled an earwig, but not completely. Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else? By myself, since it's my page. Do you know anyone who has written a book? I don't think so? Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? Ew, no. I live with another person, and even if I didn't, what if I had guests? Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way? Maybe? Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewlery? Jason has. Do you find sleeping in cars easy? NOOOOOOOOOO. I'm too scared to let my eyes close and not see what's going on on the road. Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why? I don't believe so, no. What is the funniest thing a child has ever said to you. Definitely something my niece has said, but idr what it was. What’s been on your mind lately? Y'all know, lol. Do you feel like you need to get something off your chest? No. Sara was recently there for that. ♥ How would you react if someone told you they had feelings for you? Be very very excited if it was from a certain person.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''broken'' by seether (ft. amy lee)

[bl-garbage]

coming out, like in the movies.

There are far too many reasons, wide-ranging and on varied degrees, for why coming out is That One Thing all queer people share in suffering. Yet, in the end, all of these boil down to that one overarching fear: that society will reject us. 

Those who soften the blows of this reality will hold our hands, like Anna does (I love her so much, I fucking do), or will offer a safe space and let us cry it all out, like Ate Judit does. Others simply know and will let us come out of our own accord, like Tito Santi does. 

These are warm instances of comfort, but ultimately they are mere consolations to help us come to terms with our mad realization that we had been ‘different’ all along. That we were unnatural. Sinful. A fraud. A phase. An illness. A mistake. An abomination. A wrong. The elements of horror that society has instilled upon us cast a looming shadow, that which would follow us even as we try our damned hardest to step out into the light. The truly laudable thing about Gaya sa Pelikula is how the show willingly offers an opportunity for introspection, a clearance for one to delve into the trajectory of their own stories.

I myself have never come out. Imagine that. A hundred gay-themed movies, one massive crush on Chris Evans, and a desire to be TayNew’s personal bodyguard later, and I still have not said the word out loud. I know because I keep track. My friends know I like boys, and I have never hidden it to those that truly matter, but the reality is that I have never admitted it either. For good measure, I would often create buffers, perhaps in an attempt to make things more palatable: I talk about boys, in all their chiseled glory, but from time to time I make sure to let someone hear, whoever has an ear, that I too had been in love with a girl ‘back then, when I was a teen, back in high school, I guess’ - which is true anyway. I will not discount that experience. But then here comes the shameful part: ‘So maybe I’m not totally gay,’ I would rationalize. ‘And why not? I could very well be bisexual.’ Or perhaps fluid. Or perhaps I was simply too afraid of a label.

Back then, I had probably already guessed this One Thing about myself, but perhaps as a defense mechanism, I had subconsciously ignored it. To friends now, my official story is that I had been in love with a girl - had expressed so myself and had written things about her and had bought her gifts - but then, eventually realized that I was also capable of liking a boy. This narrative is only partly true. What I leave out is the very real possibility that liking a girl could have very well only been part of this overall journey, one that had just been all too complex to understand for my nascent, horrified self. I was only what, 15, when I was first confronted with the reality that loving a boy was possible. 

(One day I had found myself walking with a boy and realized butterflies had been swarming in my stomach. One day I was much too filled with a desire to message him that maybe things were feeling different. One day my mom caught me with that very message, saved as a draft on the phone, and my desperation may have betrayed my concocted excuse that it was just a joke, mommy, really. Didn’t matter what I said; it was what she said that had stuck with me anyway: In tones of pleas, she said, son, please, don’t. One day my mother and I agreed never to talk about it, but I knew better. There was no joke about all this: not what I felt for that one boy, but what I felt within myself. And a more brutal reality: That there was no way in hell my mother would ever except my truth.) 

I had no one to help me understand. Things did not look the way they were over half a decade ago. Liking a boy seemed so wrong. 

Which is why, I know exactly what Karl felt. Vlad had asked him, “Ano ka (What are you)?” and immediately told Karl that he should not be scared of the word. But the truth is, gay is a scary word. As much as we hate to admit it, being gay means being shunned, facing the worst of the world without any armor. It feels as though walking bare naked, unsheltered, with simple questions otherwise borne out of genuine concern feeling like sharp daggers thrown from all directions. 

Things like these, one does not really get used to. They’re not ones that are suddenly okay, just because another person professes that they accept us. The bravest souls in the community will attest that they, too, fight to have the courage every single day. I recall the coming out video of Dan Howell, who had so perfectly articulated why the word ‘gay’ feels so uncomfortable. To me, ironically, the word seems like a label that, once uttered, would permanently seal me in a box, devoid of any guarantee of an out. What if things changed and I suddenly found myself liking a girl (though I doubt that anymore)? The answer to this is one I already know: that only I hold this decision. Would society then, as I have been so predisposed to believe, think that I had lied, that I had failed to be honest? Even when the honest truth of it all is that doubt and fear are two sides of one coin? To my mind, the word ‘gay’ already seems like a conclusion, and henceforth any acts that I do, the word would hinge itself. What if there’s no eject button? That is the truly horrifying thing.

This is an experience all too common, which is why it resonated with every viewer. Similarly, the experience comes with more aggravating instances: Throughout the whole episode, there was the atmosphere of great unrest, which we all know had been a directorial intention. From the cold open, we are shown a slow motion that signifies how overly conscious Karl was to everything; we are shown the way Karl’s voice had been muted when he was trying to talk to Tito Santi; we are shown just how problems are kept hidden and in secret, as when Ate Judit and Tito Santi were talking over them and Karl just being quiet, silenced, until it was he who had been put on the hot seat, ever so suddenly. 

These people who are supposed to be allies have talked over Karl, drowning out his voice. Only at their own signal did they let Karl talk, and by then, it was to answer the question Karl had dreaded all along. We know they want the best for the boys, but this is important to note just the same: No one must be forced out of the closet. It will only harbor more pains. As expected, this unsettling atmosphere has paved the way for the confrontation we had long known was coming. 

The heartbreaking part is that Vlad understands, so much so that he has been patient. Karl needs to find his own self, just like Vlad did. Just like everyone does. The montage of their own perfect life, lived in a large box that is their apartment, was but a sweet escape, and Vlad knows that. This was their shelter from harm. But a time must come when this has to end and they must come out. What has happened there so far - the dance, the hugs, the kisses, and all the memories - it was all real, but it was also hidden. And if one of you denies it happened, how would you trust your own truth? Vlad had taken the lead, because he had the pass to come in and out of this large box, sharing this precious space with Karl. Yet, it was understandable that Vlad had also been itching to help Karl come out on his own. To Karl, that is the most terrifying thing. When he said, we’re okay, Vlad, okay? he was desperately looking for normalcy, to abort this mission and go back and just - just stop. 

Vlad has been through that, and was all over it. No longer.

Neither of them is to blame. On one hand, you own your truth; and on the other, you can never force one to live a lie and go back into the closet, just so that they may be at your own pace. 

The bold truth about Gaya sa Pelikula’s penultimate episode is this: Neither Karl nor Vlad is wrong. It is they who have been wronged. By a society that has forced each one of us to hide, to man up, to woman up, to believe that the only way of seeing people was on the basis of what's between their legs and not what 's inside their heads. And Ate Judit, Anna, or Tito Santi may try their best, but they can do no more than to assuage the horror that comes with living your own truth.

I cannot stress enough how important shows like Gaya sa Pelikula are. For those who are only in the first laps of this journey of coming out, it can be their console. To me, this is a way of understanding why things came out the way they were. To others, this is a welcome respite. An embrace.

This is the magnificence of Juan Miguel Severo’s love letter to the LGBTQI+ community. This was just masterfully done. I find comfort in Vlad’s own love letter to Karl. I’ll bid goodbye for now, go into a corner of this box, and mull over the choices I've made thus far. (Reader, to be honest: I’m now writing this in my dormitory, in my own box I suppose. For the past six episodes I had been watching the show at home, but now I had to stay in the dorms. I guess, this was fate, too, to help me process my own feelings, alone.) Anyway, for those who have not seen it:

God, I am just overwhelmed with emotions. Just gonna cry now.

#GAYA SA PELIKULA #gayasapelikulaep07 #ian pangilinan #paolo pangilinan #juan miguel severo #bl series #dan howell #pinoy bl series #gaya sa pelikula

[houseof-harry]

What Happens in Jersey Pt. 2 | G.D.

A/N - hey guys!!!! Here’s part 2 of What Happens in Jersey! Let me know what you think, I’m always looking for feedback. Read the first part here

Word Count - 5.6K

Warnings - talk of abortion

Summary - Now you’re pregnant with Grayson Dolan’s baby and you have no idea what to do.

***

Recap:

“Your pregnancy test came back positive.”

Suddenly you felt nauseous again, but not like all the previous mornings.  How could you be pregnant?  He pulled out, you’re on birth control.  And that’s when you remember.  You didn’t take it a for a couple days after New Year’s Eve because you had run out of your current pack and your next pack was at school.  You hadn’t noticed your missed period because your birth control had made it almost non-existent to start.

The doctor continues to speak but you only hear the blood rushing through your ears as pure panic sets in.  You don’t even have Grayson’s number.  He’s a fucking LA YouTuber, he wasn’t even on the same coast as you.  You weren’t even friends.

As soon as you get out of the doctor, you call Jessie.

“Hey Y/N, what’s up?”

You’re blinking back the tears as you walk to your car.  “I need to tell you something.”

***

You’re full on sobbing by the time you actually reach your car, opening the door and getting in.

“Y/N, you’re scaring me, what’s going on? What do you have to tell me?” You can hear Jessie practically screaming through the phone, but it sounds like gibberish.  Maybe you should have waited until you calmed down to call anyone.

“I – I – I’m –“ you can’t seem to get enough air in your lungs to say what the doctor had just told you.

“Hey, Y/N, listen to me.  Breathe.” He exaggerates his slow breathing so that you can hear it through the phone.  You do your best to match your inhale to his, and exhale with him too. He always knew what you needed in order to calm down.

Eventually you are able to actually breathe a bit without sobbing and shaking.  “Do you wanna tell me what’s up?”  You can hear the concern in his voice.

“I just went to the doctor,” you rush out, scared to actually say what’s going on.  Once you say it out loud to him it becomes real.

“Why? Are you good? Is this about your stomach?” You can hear movement from his side of the call. You can only assume he’s getting ready to come meet you wherever you are.  This is all super out of character for you. Yes, you’ve had anxiety and even panic attacks, but nothing so bad you couldn’t speak or manage to calm yourself down. The fact that you called him unable to even speak probably made him scared enough to not be able to sit still.

“I’m, uh, I don’t even know how to say it,” you shake your head.  He was gonna be so disappointed in you.

After your night with Grayson, something had shifted slightly with you and Jessie.  It almost seemed like he wanted to protect you from Grayson.  He wasn’t a huge fan of the fact that you had slept together. It felt like you both just kind of put it to the back of your minds and moved past it when you had gotten back to school. However, that would be impossible to do now. Grayson is the only person you’ve slept with the past six months.

“Hey, you can tell me anything, you know that.” His voice softens significantly. He’s trying to make you comfortable, something he always tended to do. IF you think about it, this is the first time you’ve been scared to tell him something.

“I’m pregnant,” you cover your mouth as soon as you say it as if it will take it all back.  Your eyes squeeze shut, waiting for a response.

Silence.

After about a minute, you hear him take a deep breath. “Jess?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m here.”

You wait for another few minutes as he continues to process what you just told him.

“Can I come to yours?” You ask.  You don’t want to go home right now. Being in your apartment would mean being with the girls and they will be able to tell instantly that something is wrong.  Jessie is the only one who needs to know right now.

“Uh, yeah.” He sounds hushed and distracted.

“Okay, be there in ten.” You hang up and buckle your seatbelt.

The drive to Jessie’s feels like two minutes, not ten.  Your mind is going a mile a minute, trying to go over everything the doctor told you so that you’d be able to tell Jessie more once you got there.

You’re six weeks pregnant.  You’re sure it’s Grayson’s.  You have to set up an appointment with your doctor at home next month when you’re on spring break. You have to stop taking your birth control and start taking prenatal vitamins.  You should also probably start eating more vegetables or something. Because you’re fucking pregnant. Oh god.

You park in a visitor spot at Jessie’s apartment complex.  You text him that you’re there and walk up to his door.

When he opens it, he has a bit of crazy eyes going on.  You can’t tell if he’s scared, mad, excited, or anything. Maybe that’s how you look too.

You open your mouth to say something, but the tears come rolling down again. He reaches out and pulls you into a tight hug, closing the door in the process.  You wrap your arms around his middle and shove your face right into his chest.  You start to sob again and he rubs your back to try and soothe you.

“I’m sorry,” you say. You don’t even know why. It feels like you need to apologize to someone, though.  Maybe yourself.

“Hey, woah. No apologizing. Everything will be okay, we can figure it all out. What did the doctor say?” He puts a hand on your cheek to lift your face from his chest. You’re grateful he seems a bit more responsive now than he was on the phone. He looks you in the eye while he rubs his thumb over the redness on your face due to your crying.

“I’m six weeks. She gave me a bunch of papers and stuff about what I should be doing and all of my options.”

“What options?” He had to have known what you meant, but he wanted to be sure.

“If I don’t want to keep it,” you look away when you say it.  You felt some guilt even saying the words out loud, even though there’s nothing wrong with that. It was hard to think rationally right now, though.

Jessie nods and rubs his hands up and down your arms. “Is that what you want?” He asks.  He seems to be walking on egg shells, just as unsure as you are.

You shrug. “I mean we graduate a little over three months. I wouldn’t be able to start a job until after I had the baby, and getting hired as a new mom fresh out of college with no experience would be next to impossible. How am I supposed to take care of a child when I won’t even have a place to call my own and a job to feed us?” You word vomit, your hand resting on your stomach. It was obvious to Jessie that those were excuses for yourself, not for him.

He sighs. “Y/N, people will help you if you want this for yourself. Who’s the dad?” He bites his lip.

You roll your eyes at him. “Come on Jess, you know its Grayson.”

He sighs and nods. He grabs your arm lightly and guides you to sit on his couch.

“What?” His lack of a response plants a seed of anxiety you hadn’t even thought of before.  How will Grayson react. Does Jessie know something you don’t?

“Nothing. What do you wanna do right now? Movie? Shop for anything you need? Let me see what the doctor gave you,” he reaches for the papers and you hand them over.  You sit there quietly, arms crossed, lost in your thoughts.  Would Grayson want you get rid of it? Or would he just not be involved? It wouldn’t surprise you, him and his brother have been so successful since they moved to LA.  Jessie would tell you about how when they left they went all alone so young, but they managed to not only survive but thrive. All this baby would do is throw a wrench in that plan.

“What if I just don’t tell him?” You wonder aloud, almost more to yourself.

“What?” Jessie looks up from the papers, confusion all over his face again.

“I don’t know. His life would probably be easier if I just don’t tell him. Then he won’t feel the pressure.” You nod along as you like the sound of it more and more.

“Y/N,” he rubs his hand over his mouth, clearly thinking hard about what to say next. “You can’t do that. It’s his responsibility as much as it is yours. You shouldn’t go through any of this alone.”

“I’m not! I have you, and I won’t be able to hide it from any of the girls for more than a few weeks, and I’ll tell my parents and my aunt.” You list off, trying to convince him of your plan. Or more yourself, if you’re being honest.

“It’s his baby, too. If he finds out after the fact no matter what you do, that would be so much worse.” Jessie almost seems reluctant to defend him, but that’s how you know he’s right.

“Well, I don’t even have any way to contact him. Maybe I should wait a bit, make sure it’s real or something.” You refuse to look at him, knowing how ridiculous you sound. He laughs a bit.

“Pretty sure the doctor’s note makes it real. We can call him together if you want,” he offers. Suddenly, you’re breathing fast again.

“Right now?” You squeak out.

“I mean what better time than the present, right? You’re only getting more pregnant the longer you wait.” He raises his brow at you.

“Oh god I’m getting more pregnant every day!” You lean forward, elbows on your knees while your hands cover your face. “Can I wait until the weekend?” You mumble, only peaking one eye open to look at him.

He smiles softly at you. “Yeah. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” He puts the papers on the table and pulls you into his side. He rubs your arm as you get comfortable next to him, wrapping an arm around his stomach.

“Thank you. Let’s watch a movie now.”

***

The weekend comes much quicker than you wanted it to. You spent Friday night in with the girls, convincing them that you were just still sick but still wanted to hang out with them and have a bit of fun. They all got wine drunk and you watched Jersey Shore, because trash TV is only better when you’re three glasses in. Or I guess, they all were. You were one glass of cranberry juice in, without your usual vodka.

“You’re sure you don’t even want a glass?” Your roommate, Payton asks you while holding the wine bottle out to you.

“Nah, it’ll just upset my stomach more,” you shake your head, grabbing your water bottle. It wasn’t even a lie, you bet.

You meet the rest of them in the living room and settle in for your night. It felt good to be normal knowing that things were about to change soon.

A couple hours of Pauly and Vinnie and you’re ready to go to bed. You had managed to escape your friends’ questions about your sickness and lack of drinking for the whole night. Or so you thought.

As you’re getting into your pajamas, there’s a knock on your door.

“Yeah?” You call, just as you’re pulling your shirt over your head. Payton walks in.

“Are you good, Y/N?” She sits on your bed, watching you as go through the rest of your bed time routine.

“Yeah. Why?” You’re putting toner on in the mirror, so you can’t look at her directly.

“You just seemed off tonight. And you’ve been sick for a while. Have you considered going to the doctor?” She asks.

“Uh, yeah. I think I’ll go this week,” you lie, regretting it instantly. Now she’s going to ask how it went and you’re going to have to lie again. Payton was usually good at reading you and you weren’t sure how long you’d be able to keep it up.

“Okay, just wanted to make sure. I’ll come with if you want, I know how you feel about needles.” She gets up and smiles.

You look at her and smile back. “Thanks.”

She leaves and you get into bed. The only thing worrying you more than keeping this from Payton was telling Grayson tomorrow. And the fact you were pregnant in the first place.

***

You wake up to your phone ringing. You answer without checking to even see who it is.

“Hello?” You answer groggily.

“Hey, I’m here.” You hear Jessie’s raspy voice. It’s clear he just woke up, too.

The plan was to call Grayson and then hopefully be able to go to breakfast after to lift your spirits. That is, if you don’t puke.

“Oh, okay.” You sit up, rubbing your eyes.

“Dude, it’s 11:30, we were supposed to be doing this a half hour ago,” he laughs. “I could get used to not being the latest one to everything.”

“Hey, I’ve been sleeping more because I’m sick and pregnant. You’re just late.” You chuckle.

“Just come get me, I’m at your door.” You can hear the smile in his voice as he hangs up. You rub your eyes and go to the door, opening it for him. “Did you literally just get out of bed?” He looks at your pajamas.

“Shut up. We have some emotional preparation to do.” You let him in and shut the door behind him. You both walk back to your room and he jumps on your bed.

“Where are the ladies.” He wiggles his eyebrows jokingly as you begin to get ready.

“They’re at a pregame, they decided to darty because they didn’t go out last night. No one to eavesdrop, if that was your concern.” You’re deciding how much makeup to wear. What is the appropriate look for telling a guy they got you pregnant?

“I didn’t think they’d eavesdrop, I just didn’t want anyone to know if you didn’t feel comfortable with it.” He watches your ceiling fan turn. You can tell he’s not really present.

“What should I say?” You ask as you finish up your makeup. You decided a more natural look would do. If anyone has something to say about it instead of focusing on the pregnancy, that sounds more like a them problem.

“’Hey, remember that one time we hooked up? Well I’m pregnant and it’s definitely yours. Surprise!’” He jokes, sitting up. You role your eyes.

“I’m scared I’m gonna see him and just freeze.” You stand and pick out a t-shirt and leggings. “I’m gonna change. Text him to make sure he’s up.” You say as you leave.

When you come back from the bathroom, he’s got his phone propped up on your pillow so that you could both be in view.

“He’s waiting for me to call.” Jessie turns to you, smiling.

“Cool, call him.” You say as you throw your pajamas in the hamper, climbing on the bed next to him and fixing your hair a bit.

As the ringing continues, your anxiety worsens. Before you can get too into your thoughts, Grayson’s smiling face is on the phone.

“Hey Jess! Y/N? What’s up guys?” He sounds so cheery for it being almost 9 am where he is.

“Hey Gray. We’re, uh, just hanging out. You know, typical stuff. What’s up with you? Are you with Ethan?” You sit there quietly, biting your li, letting them lead the conversation.

“Nah, he’s still asleep. I just finished my breakfast.” He shows his empty plate, also showing his shirtless chest off. You can feel your cheeks flushing and you try not to think about it. Or, more specifically, the last time you saw his naked chest.

“Good stuff,” Jessie nods, not really sure what else to say. He looks at you while Grayson brings the phone back to his face. He’s also waiting for someone else to say something.

“So,” you shuffle uncomfortably next to Jessie, not really sure how to start.

“You didn’t just miss my cute face?” Grayson laughs, making you smile a bit. When he doesn’t get the reaction he expects, he realizes this is serious. “Is this about our agreement?”

Your eyes widen. He thinks you gave him an STD. “Oh my god, no its-“ you catch yourself about to say worse, but you don’t know if you mean that. “I’m still clean.” You nod.

Jessie looks between the both of you confused, shaking his head a bit before he looks at you again.

“What’s up then?” He also has his gaze on you, reminding you of how intense it can feel.

“I went to my doctor because I’ve been sick all week,” you begin. This feels ten times worse than telling Jessie. Grayson is nodding along, looking confused.

“I’m pregnant.” The phrase hangs in the air all over again and it doesn’t feel good. You and Jessie are both looking at him for his reaction, and he seems quite calm.

“Whose is it?” He asks. A laugh bubbles up from your chest before you can hold it back. Before you know it, Jessie is laughing, too.

“Yours, dumbass,” Jessie laughs out, shaking his head. That’s when you see the panic in his features. You start to freak out too, feeling like you’ve ruined his life. And his brother’s.

“I’m sorry.” You say, rubbing your hands up and down your legs to try and calm yourself down.

“Hey, don’t apologize. I didn’t have a condom either.” He breathes out, almost like he’s choking.  “You’re sure it’s mine?”

Your cheeks turn red as you nod. “There’s, uh, there’s been no one else.” He coughs, covering his mouth and what seems to be a bit of a smile before he gets serious again.

“What did the doctor say?” He looks at you guys again, and it looks like he might cry. It tears your heart up. “Are you guys healthy and stuff?”

You nod. “Yeah. I’m six weeks along. Well, I guess almost seven. She, uh, she told me about all of my options.”

“What options?” Oh my god, no wonder him and Jessie are friends. You look at your wall, not wanting to look at his face while talking about this.

“Options for if I want to end it. Or, I guess us. If we want to end it.” It felt weird to talk about you and Grayson as a collective group making decisions together. You still barely know the kid.

“Jess, can we talk alone?” He asks. Jessie nods, getting up and rubbing your shoulder before he goes to your living room.

“How do you feel? About these options, I mean.” He sounds almost resistant to say it.

“I don’t know, I didn’t really want to think about it until I spoke to you. Didn’t want to get stuck on one decision just for us to decide something else.” You mumble, you voice sounding weak and quiet.

“Y/N, look at me.” He waits for your eyes to meet his before he continues. “It is your body, you get to make any decision you feel is best for you. I would never try and change your mind or make you do something you don’t want to.” He pauses, waiting for a response from you.

You nod, debating what you should say next.

“Do you want me to get an abortion?” You ask. His immediate reaction is for his eyes to widen. He didn’t expect you to be so blunt, but you thought it would be better to just say it instead of dancing around it like you had done all week with Jessie.

He rubs his face, opening his mouth a couple of times but not actually saying anything. You nod, taking that as his response.

“It’s just two pills because I’m only six weeks along.” You tell him.

“Woah – Y/N – no.  That wasn’t me saying I want you to do that. I just didn’t want to scare you. I’ve always felt like I’ve been put on this Earth to be a dad. I don’t want you to make any decisions based off my wants, though. If we did keep this baby, I would support you the whole pregnancy and we would raise a baby together.” Your eyes glaze over the more he speaks. You’re continuing to stare at him wordlessly and he gives you a concerned look. “Y/N?”

You shake your head. “I just wasn’t expecting you to say that,” you shrug, whipping under your eyes to catch any tears that had started to fall.

“Hey hey hey, don’t cry. It’s going to be okay,” he brings the phone closer to his face as if that will bring you closer. You shake your head again.

“How is it going to be okay? I graduate in May. What do I tell the places I apply for jobs? ‘Oh hey, by the way, I’m going to be needing maternity leave in a couple months.’ Grayson, I’m already going into a male dominated field, it’s going to be so hard to find a job but I can’t have a baby without a job and I don’t have a house but you also can’t have a baby without a place to live and I-“ a sob cuts your rambling off as you cover your mouth. You look back at the phone and see the pain in his eyes as he watches you break down. “I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been so independent my whole life, but I just don’t know what to do. And now I’m crying on the phone with a stranger-“

“Hey woah, okay. Y/N, breathe.” You sniffle and try to calm your breathing down. “First, I’m not a stranger, I’m your baby daddy,” he chuckles. You smile a bit at that, which makes Grayson actually able to take in a breath. “Second, if you weren’t terrified, that would be way more concerning. The only reason I’m not panicking either is because I genuinely think I’m in shock.” He shakes his head, rubbing a hand over his face. “What do you want to do?” He asks, only after your breathing has regulated a bit.

“I don’t know Gray, I already told you that.” You sigh, bringing your knees to your chest and wrapping your arms around them.

“Come on, that’s not true. What’s your gut tell you?”

You bite your lip as tears slowly start to pour out of your eyes. “I wanna keep it,” you mumble, barely even audible. Your eyes widen. You didn’t even expect yourself to say that.

“What was that?” Grayson asks.

“I want to keep the baby,” you say, lifting your head from your knees, a bit more confident this time. “Nothing good in my life has come easy, it’s no shocker this isn’t any different.” This makes him smile a bit.

“Me either. Conventional isn’t really my style.” This makes you giggle as you nod in agreement. “So…” he bites his lip as your eyes meet. You raise your eyebrow. “Are we having a baby?” He asks.

“I- “ you shake your head, looking at the wall, another tear falling down your cheek. “I’m scared to say it.”

“Why?”

“Because every rational part of my being knows that logistically this is not what I should be doing, but the rest of me knows I’m going to. I can’t not, you know?” You turn to look at him. He can see the pure fear in your eyes and he just wants to be there and hug you.

“Yeah. Wanna say it together on the count of three?” He chuckles. You start laughing and shake your head.

“That’s stupid, we don’t have to do that,” you look back at him and he’s already smiling at you.

“Yes, we do. It’ll make it easier. It can be the first thing we do together.” You instantly feel your heart warm and the tears are suddenly falling again. “Hey, don’t cry again. What, doing things with me makes you that upset?” His tone is light, you can tell he’s just trying to make you smile.

You shake your head. “No, that’s not the problem. What you said was just really cute,” you giggle as your cheeks go a bit red once you realized what you said.

“So you’re down?” You nod. “1,2,3-“

“We’re having a baby,” you whisper, like it’s some big secret.  Well, it is.

Meanwhile, Grayson screamed it, instantly making you crack up. You grab the phone, hoping it will make you feel somewhat closer to him.

However, your moment of happiness disappears as the anxieties crawl right back into your brain.

“Grayson,” you get his attention. He looks at you and immediately can see your off again.

“Hey, what’s going on?” His eyebrows furrow.

“How the fuck are we gonna pull this off? You literally live on the other side of the country. How am I going to pay for all this?” Your free hand covers your face because he’s seen you cry for literally half an hour at this point.

“Don’t worry about that. We will figure it all out. I’ll figure it out. Your job is to be happy and healthy,” he shakes his head at you, concern written all over his face.

“Oh, so you’re a sugar daddy? Yeah, alright. I don’t take handouts.” You had been raised to be an independent person. Your dad didn’t come from much and worked hard to be where he is now. He had always told you to make your own ends meet, because you could never rely on anyone else.

“It’s not a handout when it’s for my kid and their mom.”

“Why are you so nice?” You groan, making him laugh.

“I’ve never had a complaint about it before,” he shines his pretty smile at you, making your lips turn up too.

“I just don’t get how you’re so down. We’re young. And we don’t even know each other,” you bite your lip.

“Yet. But we’ll talk every day and go through all of this together. We’ll definitely be well acquainted at the end of that,” he chuckles, “and, I’ve always said I was meant to be a young dad. If this is how it’s meant to be, then this is how I’ll do it. We’ll do it. That’s how we’ll do it.” He winks at you.

“It’s the size of a blueberry, you know. I googled it,” you smile at him. He immediately covers his eyes with his hand, his smile growing bigger. His hand slowly slides down his face.

“A blueberry. A fucking blueberry. We have a blueberry,” he shakes his head. “Y/N, I will do anything you and our blueberry need, okay? When’s your next appointment?”

“Over spring break with my doctor back home.”

“Text me the dates, I’ll be there,” he pauses. “Where do you live?” He bites his lip to try to hold back his laugh. It hits you both that you don’t really know each other at all. At least he’s able to find the humor in it, it makes you feel better. Otherwise you probably would have freaked out more.

“New York.  Well, that’s where I grew up. My parents moved down south when my brother graduated high school, so I kinda live with my friends and family all over. My doctor is about 45 minutes from there so I’ll probably spend my spring break with my best friend from home.” He nods along to your explanation.

“How far is that from Jersey?” He asks as he stands, walking into another room.

“Like an hour from Jessie’s.” He sits down at a desk and starts typing when he nods again. All of a sudden you see his door open and you hear another voice.

“Gray?” Ethan calls. “Who’re you on the phone with?” He asks. Grayson turns to him, stuttering over words that won’t come out. Ethan leans in to see you. “Y/N? Hey.” You smile at him.

“Hey Ethan.” If he couldn’t tell your cheeks had dried tears all over them, he could tell you’d been crying by your voice. He looks back to Grayson and then at you again.

“Well. I’ll be heading out now,” he waves awkwardly. He gives Grayson a questioning look before leaving the room. Grayson turns back to look at you with a sympathetic smile on his face.

“Sorry about that,” he giggles while shaking his head.

“It’s okay.  I’ll be seeing a lot more of him anyways.”

“Am I allowed to tell him?” You bite your lip, thinking about what the doctor said.

“I mean technically we’re not supposed to tell people until the first trimester is over, but I already told Jessie and I am definitely going to have to tell my best friend when I go home. Tell the people who you’d want to support you if something goes wrong, I guess,” you watch him as you speak. He nods.

“Can I say something without sounding like a douche?”

“Seeing as you said it like that, you’re definitely going to sound like a douche but say it anyways,” you laugh and so does he.

“Can we try to, like, keep this off the internet for as long as possible?” You raise your brow at him.

“Oh, me and blueberry are gonna hurt your image?” You smirk, just trying to push his buttons.

“No, more like I’m worried the fans will try to hurt you and blueberry. That’s why Ethan and I try to keep our relationships out of it anyway. I wanna go through this with the people who are most important to us so that we can make it as normal as possible before we introduce you and blueberry to the internet.” Hearing him call the baby blueberry makes you tear up once again, and hearing him want to protect the both of you made you feel warm inside. Suddenly you were missing a person you barely even knew.

“Oh my god, sweet girl, I gotta stop making you cry,” he laughs. If you weren’t already blushing, you definitely were now. “I promise I’m not trying to.”

“I know,” you wipe your eyes. “And yes. We can pull a Kylie Jenner. Except it will be a lot easier because you’re not the one who will look like they taped a bowling ball to their stomach.” This makes him laugh harder.

“You’re right.” He calms down a bit.

You hear your door open and you turn around to see Jessie walking in timidly.

“Is everything okay?” He asks gently, like he was scared of the answer.

You smile softly at him. “Yeah, we’re okay.” He comes and sits on the bed with you again, looking at Grayson.

“You good too?”

“Yeah man,” he shrugs. “You know how long I’ve been waiting for a dad.” Jessie looks at the both of you, shocked.

“You’re keeping it?” He looks down at your stomach.

“Yeah,” you look down too, putting your hand back on your stomach.

“No shit. Alright. You’re having a baby. Damn,” he laughs.

“It’s a size of a blueberry, you know,” Grayson pipes up, watching the two of you interact. You both look back at the phone.

“This is so fucking crazy,” Jessie exclaims, shaking his head.

“Make sure she takes care of herself, Jess.” Grayson’s face seems a bit somber watching the both of you together.

“Oh my god no. Absolutely not. I am still a functioning human being. Me and blueberry will be just fine. I eat my fruits and veggies, I’m gonna get prenatal vitamins, the whole nine. I absolutely do not need two men trying to care of me while I go through something they’ll never understand,” you cross your arms.

Grayson looks a bit taken aback, but Jessie just smiles at you.

“There she is. As long as she’s got that fire in her, she’s doing well, Gray,” Jessie tells him, looking at him on the screen.

“Good. Ethan keeps texting that we have to start filming. Y/N, text me if you need anything, okay?” It feels like he’s looking directly into your soul sometimes.

“Yeah, of course,” you nod.

He smiles and waves at the both of you before hanging up. You look over at Jessie.

“You’re having a fucking baby. You are having Grayson Dolan’s fucking baby. Jesus Christ,” he laughs while covering his face, laying down on your bed. You lay next to him.

“Yeah. Are him and Ethan, like, really successful? I knew they were doing well for themselves, but he literally told me he would ‘take care of everything.’ That takes some dough,” you turn your head to look at him.

Jessie looks to be contemplating what to say next. “Have you looked them up before?” He turns to you and you shake your head no. “I’d recommend not doing that, then. He can definitely figure out everything you’ll need, though. Just don’t want you to get caught up in that part of him without getting to know him first.” You take a big breath in, not really sure what to think of that answer. “Don’t freak yourself out, though. He’s a good guy,” Jessie sighs. You rub your hands over your stomach, getting lost in your thoughts. That’s when you remember something very important that you don’t know about Grayson.

“What’s his number?”

“Grayson’s?” Jessie laughs out.

“No, my other baby daddy,” you joke.

“I’ll give it to you and then we’ll head to breakfast?” You sit up and nod.

“Thank god that’s over. Things can only get better from here, right?”

***

Part 3 is up!!!!

#Grayson Dolan #Grayson Dolan concept #Grayson Dolan imagine #Grayson Dolan blurb #Grayson Dolan fanfic #Grayson Dolan fanfiction #Grayson Dolan smut #Grayson Dolan fic #Ethan Dolan #Ethan Dolan concept #Ethan Dolan imagine #Ethan Dolan blurb #Ethan Dolan fanfic #Ethan Dolan fanfiction #Ethan Dolan fic #dolan twins #dolan twins fanfic #dolan twins fanfiction #dolan twins fic #dolan twins blurb #dolan twins smut #dolan twins concept #WHIJ #I hope y'all enjoy!!!!! #I have so much planned for this story if you guys like where it's going

[concentrateandpush]

I need you.

I left the relationship when I found out I was pregnant, he never wanted kids until we were secure and I understood that, a misshap with my pills didn’t. I didn’t want him to be forced into being a father and so I broke up with him via a letter, changed my number, emails, usernames and moved out of town.

To start, it was lonely, but I was used to having a quiet life, Mom left when I was 6 and dad died when I was 14. My older sister was around but never home, so I fended for myself quietly until I met Justin, my soul mate. There is nothing I've ever been more secure in than mine and Justin's relationship.

I don’t believe in abortion, not for any religious reasons or higher motives.. I just don’t agree with it, unless it's a pregnancy that will harm mom or baby, or the mom was raped. But this baby? I opened my legs and messed up, so I'll love it with all of my heart. Luckily, money is no issue, I was left with plenty of it from Dad, which I'll be eternally grateful for.

So here I am, in my home, I've just put the last lick of paint on the wall of the nursery and I'm eating indian food. I'm due any time now, my new neighbour, Alice offered to drive me when I go into labor, which makes me feel at ease seeing as I have been having Braxton hicks.

I look at my phone and it's late, 2.18AM to be precise, but I have nothing to be up early for, so I suppose binge watching the good life is a good plan, plus baby is very active tonight. I rub my bump gently as I sip gently from the mango lassi, feeling my daughter fist bump me through my belly button, "good little girl" I smile and I lay back on my bed.

A few hours go by and it's light outside now, the birds are chirping. Naturally, I shut the curtains and crawl back under my duvet. As I crawl back in I feel a dampness between my legs, not soaking, but a dampness and I reach down to feel around. It doesn’t smell of anything really, so I just pull off my panties, get comfortable and snuggle up to my pregnancy pillow, I have peed myself a few times this pregnancy, it's not something I'm unfamiliar with.

It's when my nipples start to leak that I finally get up and accept that I probably need to get out of bed. I reopen the curtains and do a big stretch looking out of the window at the beach. As I extend my right arm I feel a stabbing pain in the lower left side of my abdomen causing my to lean onto the windowsill and lose my breath a little. I move back to the bed and sit on the edge, attempting to catch my breath.

I rub my stomach gently and get an intense cramp in my back, "shit, this is why you shouldn't go into labor on your own? Huh?" I say to myself in the reflection of my window. I breathe through the contraction and when it comes to an end I grab my robe and swing it on to knock Alice's door. Her 14 year old daughter answers with her boyfriend "what's up Luce?" She asks. "Is your mom home?" I ask and she shakes her head "No, her and dad have gone away for a few nights, are you okay?" She asks. I nod my head and walk back to my house freaking out.

I open my front door and immediately walk to my kitchen and put the kettle on, I look at my phone scrolling through names but I know nobody knows where I am. Justin.. out of everyone, surely.. surely he is the person I should contact. I make a cup of tea and walk to my island, leaning my bump on the edge as the next contraction hits, I pick up a wooden spoon and rub my lower back as hard as I can on it, it barely makes a difference as I whine and pant through the pain, but what other option do I have.

I hover over the green button for a few minutes before pressing it, knowing I could just put it down if I got to scared, Justin doesn’t know this number. It rings a few times and he picks up "Justin here, who's calling?". He sounds broken, he sounds sad.. I take a deep breath before answering him quietly "Hey, its.. its me".

"Luce? Lucy? You're fucking kidding me, you leave, 7 months goes by and you think you can call me saying it's me? Its fucking me?" He shouts, he rarely used to lose his temper. I lick my lips as they've dried up and speak back "I'm not apologising over the phone, you deserve more than that but Justin, I need your help? I need you to come help me.. will you?" I ask in a high pitched tone as I start to get another contraction. He answers bluntly "send me your address, how far away are you?". I send it via text as we speak and answer through the panting "forty minutes tops, I need you to get here quickly though, I don’t know how long I have" I manage to say with out moaning. "Are you okay? Lucy, tell me you're okay?" He demands. "Justin, I am okay, please be quick" I answer softly before pressing the red button and turning my back to the island, pressing it into my back to relieve pressure.

Twenty minutes fly by and go to my window to watch for him, sitting on the window sill. "Hang in there baby" I say softly before reaching between my legs. I'm pretty sure my waters are trickling out, you expect a huge splash to come out of you like the movies so when it happens like this you second guess yourself.

I watch his truck pull up and he gets out, looking at the window. I walk to the door, holding my robe across my belly, supporting my underbelly with my other hand. I open the door and see him stood there, his face makes me smile instantly and he looks at me up and down, seeing my huge stomach and looks back at my face. "Lucy, please.. please don’t tell me this is why you left? Because you're? You're pregnant?" He says in a croaky, emotional voice.

"I think you should come in" I say through my smile, he comes in and puts his arms around me tight, hugging me "careful" I say softly before feeling the warmth gush on my legs "there’s that classic movie gush" I laugh and he steps back "oh my god, you're in labor? Did I just? Are you okay?" He says reaching his hand to my stomach. "I'm okay, I just -" I say before realising I'm not okay, the pain intensifies greatly and I turn to my stairs and put my weight on my banister "Justin my back, here" I say pulling his arm to my lower back and feeling him work on it.

"Justin I need to get to the hospital" I say as I get my breath back and I turn to look at him. "You should have told me, I wouldn't have been mad" he says softly as he tucks my hair behind my ear. "I didn’t want to force fatherhood on you, I know how strongly you feel about waiting until it's the right time" I say gently as I sit on the staircase. "Lucy, I want to be a Dad, I want to have this baby with you of course I do, I would have loved to experience your pregnancy with you too" he says as he rubs my stomach.

I feel another contraction and shake my head "they're too close together, they're on top of each other" I say crossing my legs. I stand up and wince, holding my back before Justin supports it for me, opening the door and walking me to the truck as I pant. I sit in the passenger seat and turn to look at Justin as he gets in "I need to push" I whisper and see his face change. "Lucy the hospital is only about 25 minutes away, you can hold it right?" He says sternly as I grab myself tight and shake my head "get me back inside, I need to push her out".

Justin looks at me for a moment before shaking his head and getting out, he picks me up from my seat and runs back inside putting me on the sofa. I sit in the corner of the corner sofa, with both legs wide open and supported on either side as it parts. I reach down and try to feel my dilation but cant reach as far as I need to. Justin is fetching towels and scissors and I try to shape my body so I can feel for the head but my belly is just way too big.

He runs back in and kneels in front of me and I take a towel from him to squeeze and bite on for pushing. At this point I'm so absorbed in the pain I'm finding it difficult to focus "babe, fingers" I mutter as I pant "put them in, see how many you can fit" I manage to say quickly "Is it safe to push?" He pushes his fingers into me and I wince a little and pull my body back. "I cant get them in, I think the heads already here?" He says as he feels the top of the head near my lips.

"Mm okay, fuck" I say as I push myself back on the sofa. I start to pant as the contraction peaks and I look down at Justin, who's eagerly waiting to catch his baby. "You've got a while yet, you need to tell me exactly what's happening when it happens okay? I'm going to push" I say in a strained voice as I begin to push a little. "Gaahh" I moan as the push comes to a stop and I catch my breath whilst rubbing my bump.

"Nothing happened" Justin says softly and I nod "I just needed to practice" I answer as I push myself further back on the sofa and bring the towel to my side. I pant frantically and squeeze the towel with my hand as I push, feeling the baby move a little but not much, I look at Justin and he smiles "keep going". I push harder and my face turns a little red, I finally take another breath and push again "nnggggggg" I moan and Justin's eyes widen as he realises how much pain I'm in from the sound of my moan.

"Lucy, the heads getting closer" he says. I catch my breath for a moment and look at him "okay, okay, when you see the head move down, you can pull my lips a little further apart to give baby room. When her head is out, check for a chord around her neck and slip it over" I moan as the pain returns again "the head" I mutter as I push again feeling myself open up "aahhhhh" I scream as the head starts to crown but I cross my legs quickly to stop the burning.

Justin looks up and his eyes widen "Lucy spread your legs, the head was nearly out". I shake my head and begin to tear up "Justin I cant, I cant do this" I cry as he climbs up by me "were going to be parents, I know it hurts, but you've done so well, once the heads out were nearly there yeah?" He says pulling my leg over "I'm here" I says as he kneels again "deep big push yeah?" He says softly.

I pull my legs back to my armpits and pant ready for pushing. I accept that I'm probably going to tear, baby has measured big since the start but since that push, I felt how big her head was. I take a deep breath and press my chin to my chest letting out a high pitched scream "UUUHHHHH". I feel the need to shut my legs but keep them open and hold my breath as the head crowns fully and stops moving as I stop pushing "JESUS THAT FUCKING HURTS" I say as I cry and push my body up off the sofa, trying to relieve the pain somehow "blow on it, Justin, blow around the head, anything" I splutter as I wince.

He rubs around the head and blows a little "stop, that makes it worse, stop please, stop" I say before putting the towel in my mouth to bite down on. I start to push weakly and add more pressure, with my muffled moans coming from the towel. I pull it out and scream louder "get it out" as I feel myself tear and hear a pop with a huge gush of fluid covering Justin's t shirt.

"The chord, check for the chord" I say seeing Justin check and smile shaking his head "no chord". I lean back and breathe deep breaths, letting out sounds when I breathe out. "She looks exactly like you" Justin whispers, already besotted by her. I smile and look at him "Can you move back? And put the towel down on the floor, I need to squat to get her out" I say calmly as I lift my body to the floor, my legs wide and my bump hanging between them.

I rub my belly and lean back on the sofa "okay little girl, ready to meet us?" I smile before holding my breath and pushing deeply, letting out a guttural groan "nnggggggaaaaaaa". She moves a little and I reach down to feel around the head, feeling the warmth of the blood dripping on me. "I cant push any harder Just" I say softly before spreading my legs a bit more and trying to push again but feel no progress.

"Put one leg on the sofa and try to squat with the other one, it should open you up a bit" Justin says helping me into an almost lunging position. "Ugghhh" I moan as I push feeling myself open up slightly "Put your hands there ready" I snap at him before beginning to push. "That's it, push our baby out" he smiles as I groan a high pitched moan. "You're doing it, keep going, focus, dont let it slip" he says sternly and I push even harder to make sure this is the last one "AHHHHHHH" I scream as I feel her shoulders open me up and her body slide out.

Her cries fill the room and I slowly lower my leg ensuring that the chord is safe. I sit on the edge of the sofa and take my shirt off quickly taking her from Justin. He lays her on my chest gently as she cries and I rub her back "Oh my girl" I cry "beautiful little girl" I add as I look at Justin, tearfully admiring the both of us.

#birth #giving birth #childbirth #birtherotica

[rae-arts777]

I want to talk about my religious trauma

I just want to tell my story, I know mine is minor, I know there’s worst out there, but I’m hoping maybe mine cause reach out to anyone experiencing the same so they feel less alone

Let’s start way back

Edit: (sorry I should have put this earlier) TW: slight sexual assault, self harm, suicide mention

Growing up a christian adventist, I knew Friday night to Saturday was worship. No electronics or TV unless it was veggie tales, or a Bible cartoon, and church Saturday.

Of course I acted out a bit, and would get scolded for not staying still. My mother however wasn’t upset at me for ruining church, just upset I wasn’t behaving and granted don’t blame her cause I was a brat lol. I would get in more trouble if I went with my grandma. I was “disrespecting the lord in his house” and well...I mean it’s hard for a child to sit still for 8 hours wearing a dress and shoes that made me itchy and gave me blisters

Now church was fun in some sense. Got to see my friends, food after services, I loved being able to help in the kitchen and help the elders as well.

Good right?

Well...as a child, we think what we know if right. I thought the way we had church was common to everyone. When I started school, it was different for me. I asked “why do my friends go to church on Sunday?” My grandma told me “they just don’t know the proper way, it’s your duty to tell them”

I remember...being really horrible towards a kid who’s family was an atheist. We were still friends, but I will tell him “you’re trusting the devil”. My words never seem to hurt him since he laughed them off, but I never stopped...I look back and have so much guilt. So much guilt towards others too since I tried to tell them church was Saturday’s, and going on Sunday was wrong. I think about how horrible I was, cause my religion never taught me to be accepting to others beliefs, it taught me that it’s my duty to turn others to the right way. And that makes me upset. If my religion was the religion of “accepting everyone no matter what” then why is every one else’s religion the work of the devil? And why are baptism, also who was Christians, deem “evil” like Catholics in our religion.

Middle school. I started attending the church school. Hell

I didn’t like our new pastor, something about the way he said things just...didn’t stick. His kids were a nightmare. They torment everyone. Got teachers fired they didn’t like. And went crying to their parents if they didn’t get their way. No they were not toddlers. They were teens. One got in between my old best friend and I, and since then her and I were never the same.

Because I liked art and anime...I was the weird kid, so they constantly picked on me. Pastor kids telling me certain kids here didn’t deserve to be made by god. That god made a mistake. I told them to stop, but they would go “you just don’t know. It’s hard for us!!! We don’t mean what we say!” And looking and writing this now, that was the first gaslighting and toxic friendships I experience.

It made me more mad the pastor told the whole church that his kids were perfect children. And they set an example of how all the kids in the church could act. That pastor family was just horrible. Lies, manipulation, just rude. He would make side remarks about my mum’s blonde dye hair. He would say something to my mum if I wore pants or a leather jacket to church. Just the way he said things, made my mum feel like she was a horrible parent. They made side comments when my dad would finally show up.

“I’m sorry my dad wasn’t constantly gone, he’s was too busy fighting for our country.” Is what they would want us to say.

Church become a chore. Not a joy. And when we got a new pastor, one I started to connect with, we moved away and in with my grandma

Now highschool. This is where I started drifting away from religion. I love my grandma..I really do ...but she’s so extreme. The Bible this. The Bible that. I can’t have a normal conversation without her being up the Bible. Can’t watch a movie, show, or listen to music that’s not Christian without her bringing up the Bible or turning it into a Bible lesson. I hated going to church. I hated hearing “repent. The world is ending soon”

Hearing constant that our young generation is filled with the devil, feeling all the eyes of the elders on me as I’m trying to comfort someone’s child so they can enjoy church peacefully

Hearing anyone experiencing love towards the same gender is the devil’s working

That everything I like is filled with the devil

My grandma start forcing religion worst and worst down my throat. Saying I have to be prepare. I need to make my choice. Don’t I want to be in heaven with everyone? I need to give myself to god

I won’t see my family members who passed away Catholic.

That I need to tell my other side of the family who’s Catholic the right way

The news comes on....hearing the Bible says this the Bible says that

Trying to defend trump with the Bible

This pandemic is the first plague, the world will end soon

The studies getting more and more. I can’t even read the Bible just to study out of joy cause I feel like someone is breathing down my neck.

I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.

And then I’m introduce the rotten apples of my religion.

We shouldn’t wear mask it’s God’s air

Only having faith is god will keep you from getting sick and heal you

Ever remember of LGBT is going to hell

Woman who abortion are going to hell

People will tattoos go to hell

People who don’t read the Bible everyday are going to hell

People who want to make this religion more open and accepting, are hearing the devil and are going to hell

People who kill themselves are going to hell

Mental illness isn’t real; it’s just the devil and you just have to be happy cause you have god.

I told my mom I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t, it’s more forced down on me too much. If the world is ending what’s the point? What’s the point of college? What’s the point of life? What’s the point of looking for love?! Cause I’ve been told so many times my own children won’t ever get to adult or teen hood cause the world will end! What’s the point. I’m so grateful to have a mother who understands..

And it pisses me out with these Christian movies. A boy is about to kill himself, and is getting told “you’ll go to hell! You really want that?! To go to hell?!” Why are you showing this?! That’s a last thing a suicidal person needs to hear. They don’t need a fucking Bible lesson, they need comfort!!! As a person who’s tried drowning, choking, and harming themselves, I fucking know I wouldn’t want someone to find me and say “you’re going to hell for that!”

And then you have those horrible people who think just cause they are religious that it gives them a right to be a shitty person. My grandma would fucking forgive a murder if they came out as Christian.

I told my grandma once “I do want to be more involved with the church, I want to give a sermon” and she told me “you can give a small one, not a full one, god did not use women to preach, he used men. I rather you do the children’s story”

.......

The Vice President...some Christians hate her cause “god didn’t intend for women to lead, if he did his apostles would have been women”

my grandma says “she slept her way to the top!” But oh! She didn’t mind if trump, a man who’s assaulted god knows how many women was in office...

Forgive everyone....you’re suppose to forgive abusers..my bullies....I was told to forgive them even if they never said sorry..cause god wants us to forgive

I allowed..a boy to convince me to do things...cause men always knew what was right...it was ok as long as we didn’t have sex...and it was ok...cause he was a Christian boy...

I just try to be a good human...I have sickenly forgave so many people who’ve hurt me....and now...I’m the pushover...

But what I did was wrong...

I’ve just....drifted away slowly...my grandma has sort of stop trying, maybe cause I’m an adult so I can make my own choices..maybe my mum told her something...

But the things she says makes me feel ashame for being Christian....

For the longest time I thought we were perfect people...now that I’m older...I see we’re just as bad..if not worst...

It makes me so sick...just thinking..how I forgave people who HURT ME cause ...if I can’t forgive, then God doesnt want me.

If god really wants all of his “children” then why if it when we says “I don’t want to forgive the person who gave me this trauma” then it’s “i forgave you why can’t you forgive them? It’s so simple, you really can’t do something that simple? Guess you don’t want to go to heaven”

I’m so done

I’m so tired..

I have a headache and started crying a bit while writing this and there’s so much more. But my wrist hurts and just...I want to scream.

But for the majority...that’s my religious trauma.

I’m not hoping to gain anything, just to reach to anyone else who’s going through the same emotions...you’re not alone ok?

#talk #Rae talks #serious talk #religious trauma #that’s my story #ex christian

[catrasredemption-moved]

That whole "an abusive mother shouldn't be seen as a mother figure" sitting not well with me.

So can you elaborate on that and not make it super invalidating to people abused by foster/adoptive/psuedo paternql figures?

This feels like a trap, but sure. Buckle up, we’re going back to my childhood.

(this is long, contains emotional/mental abuse, alcohol and drug references, and is just plain unpleasant)

I was emotionally/mentally abused by my mother and stepfather for pretty much my entire life. I was an oops baby, and my bio dad at least had the self awareness to check out my life early because he knew he’d never be a good father (yes, I give him some twisted credit for that, because at least he was honest). My mom was kind of... I don’t want to say forced to keep me, but her family was very insistent. I don’t think she would have gotten an abortion anyway (put aside that this was 1991), but things might have been different if she’d just been allowed to go the same route as my father. Her parents pretty much raised me for six years, partially because she had a full-time job, and partially because she just had no clue what she was doing. And I think having her parents as a crutch for so long definitely limited her.

And then she met Paul. Twenty years older than her, didn’t even have a toaster to his name, alcoholic, drug addict. I was six, so obviously this all went over my head, but my mother’s parents did not like him (something I didn’t find out until years after they both died). My mom was 27 at the time, and I don’t know if she just thought no one else would want her because she was a single mother, if she was just desperate, or maybe she really was attracted to him, but she started dating him. I don’t remember everything that led up to the Breaking Point, because this was 23 years ago, but I remember the specific night - she was on the phone with Paul, and I kept saying I was hungry. I forget what she made, but it was something I’d eaten before and suddenly decided I didn’t like (as children do sometimes), so I was upset.

At this point my grandmother or grandfather would usually step in and just make me something else. Instead my grandfather went upstairs and told her to get off the phone and deal with it. Was I being a little bratty? Yeah, probably. Should my grandparents have just dealt with it? No, that was my mother’s job. Even if it just meant coming downstairs and making me eat the Thing. But she didn’t want to get off the phone (this was 1997, people still talked on phones. Weird, right?)

One huge fight later, my mother put me in her car and drove me 20 minutes to another city to stay with Paul and his roommate. I didn’t see my grandparents for three days. That’s when they learned they had to play nice with Paul or my mother would actually take me away.

We moved in with Paul, after they’d been dating for three whole months. My mother upended both of our lives, including making me transfer to another school after first grade, for a guy she’d been dating for three months. A guy she knew had substance abuse problems. A guy who, when home alone during the day, would sit out in the living room and watch porn (and one time watched it in my room, which? I was eight, I very vaguely remember walking into the apartment, my mother immediately grabbing me and pushing me back into the hall while saying “get that shit off her TV.”)

Some very fucked up things happened over the next twelve years, some I still haven’t told anyone about (including my wife), and some that were just wrong in retrospect. Common occurrences included (some of this might be considered lowkey sexual abuse? I’ve never thought about it that way, but my perspective is skewered af):

Telling me to turn sideways so he could see how I was “developing” (this started at 10)

Inappropriate comments about my weight and how I eat too much (starting around 8 or 9)

Wildly gross and sexual comments about my body (starting around 13)

Coming into my room while drunk and asking for a hug, then holding me for too long and lowkey groping (starting around 13 or 14)

Calling me a whiny bitch (starting around 8)

Yelling at me for eating food, especially if I finished something, because I didn’t pay for the food so why should I get to eat it all (starting around 15)

Yelling at me for daring to go out into the living room and talk to my mother while they were watching TV (pretty much the entire time I lived with them)

Telling me my mother used to have “a great body” before she got sick and lost a ton of weight (I don’t remember when exactly that started, but the sickness in question happened when I was 7)

Trying to tell me about how he and mother were getting hot and heavy while I was at school (high school; one of the only times my mother actually told him to shut the fuck up)

Enjoyed calling me stupid and calling me an idiot and other things that were entirely damaging to my self esteem

Straight up saying, after seven years of my mother insisting we were family, that I wasn’t his daughter and I never would be (13)

Inappropriate comments while drunk, to the point where I knew when he’d be drunk (because it was always pay day), and me arranging to be out of the house for a couple of days just so I wouldn’t have to be there (high school; I went to my aunt’s, and eventually she started figuring out a pattern and asking me what was going on. I was 16 when she finally realized I hate Paul as much as she does)

...to name a few things. And my mother? Knew about all of this. And sure, she tried to stick up for me once or twice, like about the food thing, but even that came with the caveat of “maybe you should stop eating so much.” (before anyone asks, yes, I’m slightly overweight, and this was some grade A body shaming). But for the most part, she enabled him. And when he told me to stop being sensitive and it was “just a joke”? She sided with him and told me to stop “whining” (whining being “trying to defend myself”). She took his side about 95% of the time, while still insisting that he was my father, because he was there and he was helping “raise” me. They’ve been together for 23 years, and she’s basically chosen him over me at this point (because I chose to get the fuck out of the house and take a job in a state 300 miles away just to escape that hell). We actually got into a huge fight about him back in June because I didn’t call to wish him a Happy Father’s Day. He has never met my wife (whom he referred to as my “friend”, and my mother saw nothing wrong with that, then got mad when I tried to say “what if I called him your roommate”), he was not invited to our wedding, and we had a fight last Christmas when I went back to visit and straight up said he wasn’t allowed to visit our hotel (because I never want him to meet my wife).

Do I consider her my mother? ...sure, in the absolute vaguest sense of the word. She made sure I made it from birth to 18, kept me clothed and fed and a roof over my head (while constantly reminding me about how much it cost to raise a kid.)

Do I consider him my father? Fuck. No. I left the house for college when I was 18, moved out when I was 22, have had three therapists, been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and probable PTSD, have gathered a small group of my own found family, and I still carry a lot of shit from that time in my life. I hate showing my body in any way, and tend to wear shirts that are, oh, 2-3 sizes too big. I hate eating “too much”, despite the fact that a) my wife doesn’t care if I finish something and b) I help pay for the fucking food. I get extremely anxious when I try to correct someone about something (like my pronouns), because I’m afraid they’re going to yell at me and tell me to stop being sensitive. My self esteem is still basically at rock bottom, to the point where I don’t believe people sometimes when they say they like my writing. I flinch when people try to touch me (that’s getting better, though).

I can’t even give him the bare minimum credit I give my mother, because he actively hindered my attempts to grow up and move on from the shit he put me through. He was, and still is, a terrible person, and the idea of him being my father makes me sick. I give more credit to by bio father (you know, the one who walked out because he knew he wouldn’t be a good father), because he’s at least made a few half-ass attempts throughout my life to show he cares (and in a way, I think he does, he just knew he wouldn’t be a good father). Paul, though? Paul could die tomorrow and I... I can’t say I wouldn’t care at all, just because he has had such a presence in my life, but I wouldn’t miss him.

If you have an abusive parental figure (be it bio/step/foster/adoptive/etc.), and you consider them your parent, then that’s you, and I don’t judge. But Paul, no matter what my mother says, will never be my father in any way. He actively made me afraid to exist or be in my own home. He left scars so deep that I don’t think I’ll ever totally move on from some of it. I need people to remind me that nothing he did was okay or normal, and that my mother wasn’t right for allowing it.

So basically, I have a lot of experience to back up why I don’t think abusive parents should be considered parental figures. Parents are supposed to help you grow and care about you and want you to succeed. Paul did none of those things. He continues to be an active roadblock in my life, as a matter of fact. And I refuse to feel bad about not considering him a parental figure.

#Mystery Person #Sam Answers

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Second Time Around 6

A/n: Elon Musk RPF

Link to Chapter 5

Words: 2, 751

Pairings: Elon Musk x Reader

_______

The next morning Kimbal walked down the hallway to Elon’s office. That morning, he decided that he hadn’t been annoying his brother enough lately and decided to get started. Stepping into the office, Elon’s assistant looked up. 

“You may not want to go in there. Mr. Musk isn’t in a good mood. He told us all not to bother him.”

Kimbal raised an eyebrow before smirking. 

“Oh? I am definitely going in there. I have no shame. He knew what risk that he was taking when he gave me security clearance.” 

Kimbal quickly walked in and shut the door behind him. Fighting the urge to give his brother a shit eating grin, he turned and stopped the moment that Elon didn’t even look at him. Instead, his older brother sat staring at the wall blankly. 

Kimbal stood watching Elon for a few moments before sitting down. He sat patiently waiting for his brother to recognize his presence. 

“I didn’t expect this.”

Elon muttered. Kimbal stood up and walked around the desk to kneel down beside Elon. He stared at the place on the wall trying to figure out what was just so fascinating. Tilting his head, he saw nothing but perfectly painted plaster.

“So...are you going to tell me what exactly we are staring at? I can’t figure it out.” 

Elon jumped before realizing that his brother was right beside him. 

“Kimbal, good fucking lord! How long have you been here?”

Kimbal shrugged and went back to his chair to finish his coffee. 

“A good five minutes. So what’s bothering you? What problem has fallen on your shoulders this morning? Don’t you dare tell me nothing either because that is a load of bullshit that can be smelt a mile away.” 

Elon sighed and tried to fix his messy hair. He knew that he had to look horrible at the moment. That morning he tried to appear as normal as possible when he left the house. If he appeared normal and calm, maybe you would feel better too. 

“There is a problem but I don’t think I should say anything at the moment.” 

Kimbal groaned. 

“Stop being a 15 year old girl and tell me. I will go harass Y/n if you don’t tell me. She finds me delightful and will tell me what I want to know.” 

Elon groaned and put a hand over his face before throwing his head on the back of his chair. 

“It concerns Y/n.”

Kimbal winced. He had a bad feeling immediately.

“Oh god, Elon! Did you fuck things up with her again?”  

Elon shook his head and looked back up.

“No, she and I are fine. She’s over the moon over her engagement ring...or rings since she has two...that doesn’t matter though because that isn’t the problem.”

Kimbal put his coffee down. 

“Again, stop being a teenage girl and tell me.”

“Fine, she’s pregnant.” 

Kimbal’s amused expression turned more serious. He looked thoughtful as he considered his words before speaking. 

“Is that a bad thing?”

Elon shook his head. 

“No, I just didn’t expect this. We weren’t trying. She was even taking pills.” 

Kimbal chuckled. 

“You two are that random statistic that pills don’t help….amusing. Elon, some of the best things are unplanned. I came here to give you a hard time and that is shot to shit now so I’ll try another approach. You’re a damn good dad. I am sure that this is shocking but it will be alright. You’re going to have to find some way to get Y/n to slow down. She's like you, always on the go. Both of you are going to have to slow down a bit.” 

Elon muttered a quiet thank you as Kimbal continued. 

“How is Y/n taking it?”

Elon sighed. 

“She was in tears. The poor thing thought that I was going to be mad at her. I’m sure she will be fine once she calms down a bit. Right now I have to be the strong one because she is scared enough as it is.” 

Kimbal held a hand up. 

“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Have you looked at your reflection in the mirror or are you just trying new hairstyles? You need to be honest with her too. I can take one look at you and see that you are about to lose your shit. Elon, you don’t like to do anything unless you have it planned out and written on a pad of paper. This is one of those unexpected surprises that no one plans. Go home and talk to your fiance. She is clearly in the same place that you are.” 

Elon sighed. Kimbal was right. He needed to talk to you but he didn’t know when would be the right time. That evening the two of you were due to go to your sister Ruth’s for dinner. Maybe Elon could get you alone at some point for a moment of serious discussion. 

“You’re right. I’m happy, don’t get me wrong. I just thought that my having a baby days were over.” 

Kimbal chuckled. 

“Maybe we can get a girl this time. If Y/n has a boy, I will be convinced that is all that you are capable of producing.” 

Kimbal almost burst out laughing at the expression of sheer terror on Elon’s face. 

“I would prefer a boy. I know what to do with those. A girl would be some crazy game changer. You’re girls are fine because I am not their father. I’ll be crazy by the time the little one gets to adulthood. There will be boys around my house and I’ll have to let her go out with them….eh, her brothers can deal with that.” 

Kimbal nodded.

“There you go! I would feel sorry for the poor little darling if the baby is a girl. Having that many older brothers. You remember how we were with Tosca?”

Elon chuckled. 

“We were horrible and there were only two of us. You know, having a girl doesn’t sound so bad now.” 

Kimbal chuckled. 

“You will spend a good deal of time trying to figure out what she is crying about but that’s okay.” 

Later that night, you sat in the car beside Elon watching trees pass as he drove to your sister Ruth’s home. This was the last thing that you really wanted to do at the moment. You didn't mind seeing Ruth. She was the closest thing to a mother that you ever had. Ruth didn’t give you anxiety or make you want to get the hell out of dodge the way that your actual mother did. You frowned thinking about Pattie. In all of the years that you had been alive, you couldn’t think of a time that the two of you had ever gotten along. Now you had to go spend the evening with her...lovely.

“How are you feeling?

Elon’s voice interrupted your thoughts. You turned your attention to your fiance. 

“I just dread this.” 

You commented. Elon reached his free hand over and wrapped around yours.

“If she opens her mouth then I’ll shut her up.” 

You felt better at that. Elon wasn’t joking either. The last thing that he was putting up with at the moment was your mother making you nervous. He was still on edge over the whole pregnancy to begin with. Luckily, he felt a lot better after the conversation with his brother. Your mother opening her judgmental trap was just the cherry on the sundae. 

“I would love to see that happen.”

Elon smiled. 

“If I hear one word that I don’t like from her you will know about it.”

Arriving at your sister’s house, the two of you stood outside the door. Elon stood a few moments before reaching down and putting a hand on the small of your back. 

“Maybe we should ring the doorbell and get this over with?”

You groaned and looked back to your fiance. 

“Lets just go back home and say all of the roads were closed.” 

Elon smirked before reaching out and pressing the doorbell button. 

“That isn’t very believable.”

“My mother would believe it.” 

You muttered as your sister Ruth opened the door. She smiled the moment that she saw Elon and yourself together. You knew that Ruth was as pleased as everyone to see the two of you together. 

“Hey! It's good to see you two together again!” 

You rolled your eyes as your older sister hugged you. It wasn’t like Ruth didn’t know. You had sent her a photo of the engagement ring. Ruth took a breath and looked at you with her warm mother smile. 

“Ruth, we have been back together for ages now.” 

Ruth laughed. 

“I know but this is the first time that I have seen you in ages! Ms.always busy.” 

Before you could respond your mother’s voice came from somewhere in the house. Immediately, you wanted to turn and bail out the door. If Elon hadn’t closed it behind him, you were half tempted to grab his hand and pull him back to the car. 

“Is that Y/n?”

You immediately winced and glanced back to Elon. 

“Abort mission. Let’s go!” 

He shook his head. 

“We might as well get this over with before she wants to spend a holiday with us.”

That was the last thing that you wanted to deal with! Your mother...in your home...looking at you...touching your things...hell to the fuck no!

Your mother walked into the room smiling hugely before coming to you. She pulled you into a bone crushing hug that left you rubbing your neck afterwards. Pattie looked you over before frowning. 

“You look exhausted? Do you ever have time for a vacation?” 

It took all you had not to say something snarky back. Your attention went to the doorway where Jeffree and Elon were whispering quietly to each other. If they were taking bets on how long you would make it before being sassy, you wouldn’t talk to either of them for the next week. 

“I’m fine, mom. Everything is going fine. I am not exhausted and my life is not falling apart.”

You frowned the moment that Jeffree passed what looked like a $100 to Elon, who was looking extra smug. Pattie meanwhile, turned seeing Elon as her next target of annoying fire.

“I heard the two of you were back together! I am so glad! Y/n needs someone to take care of her and you did such a good job.” 

Ruth’s hand squeezed yours in hopes to stop you from sounding off further. Your sister gave you her warm motherly smile. 

“It’s just one night, Y/n.”

She said soothingly as Elon’s eyes met yours. He was beginning to look as annoyed as you were feeling.

“She actually does a wonderful job taking care of herself, Pattie.” 

He said bluntly. The sentence probably came out a little harsher than needed but you didn’t mind. In fact, you were thrilled. Here was your knight in shining armor coming to your rescue against your mother, the dragon.

Ruth and your brother in law James looked at each other exchanging wary expressions. It was no secret to them that Elon could be down right cold if he wanted. The more Patty pushed him the more likely she would be to get a mouthful. Jeffree, meanwhile, had picked up his martini and took an over dramatic drink to stop himself from giggling.

Elon’s comment seemed to bounce right off of Patty. She didn’t even seem the least bit affected by it in any way. 

“Well, isn't that lovely? My! Dinner smells lovely, Ruthy!”

Ruth quickly motioned to the kitchen. 

“Thank you, mom. Why don’t you come in here and sit down. I’ll make you some tea.” 

You gave Ruth a kissy face to indicate that you thought that she was your mother’s butt kisser. This was a source of humor between the two of you. Ruth always said that she had to be the nice one to Patty. You definitely weren’t going to do it!

Dinner was uneventful for the first little half an hour. You, annoyingly, listed to your mother talk about her new boyfriend that she met in London. It would be just fine with you if she stayed in London and never turned back up in LA. You could visit her once a year, for a few hours, and your “mom” time would be met. A phone call would even be just fine for you. 

After a while Ruth made a comment about one of her kids. Your mother smiled. 

“I always knew that Ruth would be such a good mommy. I swear, Ruth and Y/n couldn’t have been more different! Ruth always wanted to play with baby dolls and was such a quiet little girl. Y/n on the other hand, I swear she aged me 30 years in the first two years of life. I was always convinced that she was going to be a lawyer because she loved to argue. She always had some talent! Y/n was always my creative one. She would build little cities out of legos. It was always some project! I think that I always knew that Y/n would never be a mother.” 

Yout bit down hard on your lip. Elon’s hand slid onto your thigh. Obviously, he had picked up on your growing foul mood. The two of you exchanged cold glares. You leaned closer to Elon, knowing that he was about to tell your mother to go kick rocks. 

“Don’t waste your breath. It won’t make any difference.” 

Elon rolled his eyes. 

“She’s a bitch and knows nothing.” 

You smiled and stroked your fingers over his. 

“Something wrong?”

Patty asked, turning her attention back to you. Mentally, you were telling yourself to hold it in but that wasn’t happening. 

“So you don’t think that I could be a good mother?”

You said through gritted teeth. Patty was clearly surprised by your hostile response. 

“Y/n, when would you have the time to be a mother? I don’t think that you could emotionally handle the chore of being a mother. I mean, you are getting hostile by this conversation.” 

“Y/n.”

Ruth said your name carefully. She hoped to provide any sense of comfort she could but you were seeing red.

You slammed your napkin on the table before jumping up. Elon reached up and gently pulled you back to your chair. He muttered something to calm down before turning his attention back to your mother. 

“Now wait a damn minute, she is actually a wonderful mother. She is wonderful with my children from my first marriage. I don’t think that you know your daughter as well as you think.”

 Everyone’s eyes were glued to Elon. Jeffree was blinking, clearly surprised himself. He gave you a smirk. 

“Elon…”

You quietly muttered his name. The expression on his face clearly said “try me.” You took a breath before looking to your mother then to Ruth. 

“I found out that I am actually pregnant. Time to see how shitty of a mother I will actually be. I’m sure I won’t out do you.” 

You said coldly before getting up and throwing your napkin on the table. The last thing that you were going to do was deal with anyone else at the moment. You wanted to stick around and wait for reactions but your pride would hurt too much. 

Once you were out of the room, everyone was silent for a moment before Ruth’s husband started dying laughing. He had to get a grip on himself before meeting everyone else’s stunned and questioning expressions. 

“Looks like someone finally caught her! She is serious right?”

He questioned in Elon’s direction. Elon nodded and stood up. 

“I don’t think one jokes about something like that. Ruth, thank you for dinner. I think it's time that we go. Patty, if I were you, I would suggest really thinking your words better when dealing with your kids. Maybe you should take some time and reflect on the reasons why your daughter wants nothing to do with you. You’ll find the answer like a damn neon sign.”

Elon turned as Jeffree jumped out of his seat like an over excited puppy. The two men exchanged a brief stare. Even though Jeffree drove Elon crazy at points, he had to admit Jeffree was always in your corner. 

“Time to go.” 

Jeffree nodded. 

“Yeah, I have had enough catty old women for one night.”

________

@elonscult and @xjjlex sorry, I’ve been lazy :) 

#Elon Musk #elon musk fan fiction #Elon Musk x Reader #the second time #Elon Musk RPF #Reader x Elon Musk #rpf warning #request fic #ourloveisforthelovely

[roswelldetails]

RNM 2x13 - Mr. Jones

EPISODE SUMMARY:

SEASON FINALE — Having realized that a deadly threat has infiltrated CrashCon, the busiest event of the year, Liz (Jeanine Mason) realizes that she can’t save everyone she loves — and with Max (Nathan Dean) facing immediate danger, she and Isobel must make a heart-wrenching choice. Meanwhile, Michael (Michael Vlamis) finds himself caught up in the conflict between Jesse (Trevor St. John) and Alex (Tyler Blackburn) once again, even as Maria’s (Heather Hemmens) life hangs in the balance elsewhere, and Kyle (Michael Trevino) faces a moral dilemma when the enemy requires medical attention. Jeffrey Hunt directed the episode written by Christopher Hollier & Carina Adly MacKenzie (#213). Original airdate 6/15/2020.

DETAILS:

The episode opens with Isobel trying to hold back the fire. They don't actually show Rosa convincing Liz to go stop the explosion. But she runs up to Isobel and explains her science:

"I have to activate the ingredients first, but once I introduce my solution to the system it should kill the cellular matrix."

Liz literally squirts the console with her "solution".

Rosa is doing CPR on Max and praying. Max wakes up just as Kyle runs up.  Immediately Max directs Kyle to Flint instead of himself. It's interesting. When Max previously killed with his hand, in 1x06, he instantly knew that he killed the drifter. This time he wasn't sure (and he didn't. We eventually learn). Rosa and Kyle take Flint to the hospital.

Meanwhile Helena is saving Charlie's life.  

"Jesse Manes was the only one supposed to get hurt."

Which is...not what happened.  Jesse, Flint, Max, Maria...even Liz got hurt.  She burned her hand on the console.

Maria is being rolled into the hospital. She got there really really fast. Cam is by her side.

Liz is still squirting her solution onto the console. It turns red.  Liz asks Isobel to get people away but Isobel refuses to leave Liz alone.

Jesse, Greg, Michael, and Alex are still mid-standoff.

"Gregory, listen. You and I have had our differences in the past, but you should stand with me now."

"You're not well, Dad."

Jesse hits Gregory with the atomizer and appears to knock him out. He tries to shoot Michael, but Alex tackles him.

"Guerin, get the atomizer! Get it away from my brother!"

"Alex, I can't."

Jesse gets the upper hand in the fistfight with Alex and steals Alex's gun. Turns to shoot Michael again.

Liz makes more solution and squirts more of it on the console.  This time it starts to crack. Isobel pulls Liz to safety and the console shrivels and dies.

The dying console just doesn't work as well in still form, so @maxortecho giffed it for me! Thank you!! 😘

Max runs up to them.

"You disabled it. You saved everyone."

"Is Flint dead? Did you kill him?"

He looks at Liz with some heavy heart eyes for her being the hero. She looks at him with fear.

Back to the Maneses and Michael. Jesse has a gun on Michael. Michael has the atomizer.

"Drop it, Guerin. Drop it!"

There's a gunshot. Jesse Manes falls and Michael has blood on his face.  Gregory shot Jesse from behind.

"I should have defended you from him a long time ago."

"There are no more Manes men left."

Jesse dies.

Indeterminant time jump.  Liz is late for work.

"Sorry, Javi.  I just...I haven't really been sleeping."

"You've said that every day since CrashCon. You still having nightmares? …Did you read the papers this morning."

"Oh, I've kind of been trying to avoid the papers."

"Did you hear about that veteran who died at the carnival? They're going to have a parade, build a statue. Did you know he was disabled?"

Customers at the counter are discussing CrashCon:

"The CrashCon discourse is saying aliens invaded and killed the guy."

"That should be good for tourism."

"Newspaper said it was smoke inhalation though."

"He was making sure all the kids got out safely and the smoke overwhelmed him."

"We need more people like him."

Soooo much to unpack here.  And most of it is addressed by Helena and Rosa's exchange at the end of the episode. But the big question to me is… who is spreading the rumors and covering this up? Is it Flint? Is he even well enough to take the lead on that? Is it someone else with Project Shepherd that we haven't met? The mayor? I mean, Jesse was shot! There was a lot of blood! Plus, remember what happened in 1x11 and 1x12: it's a small town. People notice gunshots. 

Liz goes to take a table's order and, surprise! It's Diego. Who had gone back to Denver after CrashCon. He brought Dr. Margot Meyerson to Roswell to meet Liz.

Michael is visiting Maria at the hospital:

"What are you doing?"

"Oh they cut your bracelet off during surgery. How are you? You look better."

"Liz has been dropping by every day to inject me with witch serum."

"Ooh the synthetic nucleotide excision repair genomogenate? We're lucky you're only part alien, otherwise there wouldn't have been enough left of you for her to save."

"Listen, do you think you could use your telekinesis to open this box? Mimi left it when she visited. It's a family heirloom, but she forgot the key."

"Mimi hasn't exactly been leading you in the right direction lately. Her psychic visions led you toward a bomb instead of away from it. Seeing you like that -- all sick and pale and quiet -- I started praying."

Max and Isobel are at Max's house. Isobel is studying the photos of the console and alien symbols.

"I wish I understood why Louise and Nora would spend a year building an alien weapon of mass destruction."

"I don't think it was a bomb. I think it's a communication device. It's like a remote, you know, it just happens to be combustible."

"Are you mad at me, Max? Did I do something wrong? Is it that we're not related, or are you upset about the abortion? Because I…"

"Whoa, hey, God no."

"Because you're not talking to me."

"You're not the only one.  I didn't want everyone to worry, you know, 'cause I've been taking some of Liz's antidote. And things are coming back to me. Little flashes, sort of, mostly. Like vague memories."

"Michael said that you kind of zoned out when you touched that alien bomb...remote thing. Did it trigger a memory?"

"When I touched the console, I heard whispers that I could almost understand. All right, it's like the same with those symbols. I mean it's like their meaning is just beyond reach. Except for one word. I took this from Graham Green's display at CrashCon. See that? It's an aerial photo of some crop circles from Roswell in 1948. This farm belonged to a guy called Jones. Pretty sure it says savior... This is my name. Maybe that means you and Michael's parents weren't the only ones that survived the crash. Right, maybe I had a family too. You know, maybe my mom was just across town."

"Max. I really wish that you could just focus on the present. You know, I mean, as a recently deceased man, I really feel like you should be enjoying the simple pleasures in life, you know, like reading nerdy books, the smell of leather, and that feeling when you wake up before your alarm and the person you love is still asleep and they're kind of snoring a little bit. It's like the best thing that ever happened to you. Stuff like that."

"I want all those things too.  But I feel like if I only know half of myself, I'm only half living. And I know you understand that, Iz, because I've watched you this year become your entire self. And it is so beautiful. Okay, I am not at all mad at you. Are you kidding me? I am so proud of you. I am so proud that you're my sister."

Michael and Alex in the shed. For all that the shed is such a key location in this show's canon this is the first time we've seen it since 1x06.

"Maria made me bring food over.  I gave it to Gregory.  Seems to be holding up okay."

"Everything my family touches turns to crap. My dad used to talk about how my Grandpa Harlan built this she'd with his bare hands when he was, like, seventy.  For a long time it was my safest space. And the one night my dad destroyed it."

"You're right. This place sucks."

Michael and Alex start destroying the shed. In the next scene Michael breaks a floorboard revealing a skeleton. The skeleton is wearing dog tags, so Alex grabs them. In his shirt pocket Michael spots and grabs the key to Maria's box.  The tags say Eugene Manes III.  So this is Tripp's body. Which confirms for Alex that his grandfather killed Tripp.

Max and Liz are walking in the plaza.

"I don't understand the violence, Max. Flint could have had brain damage given how long he wasn't breathing. You risked your life to hurt him and he had already thrown the weapon away, Max, so why? I can't get that image out of my head.  You trying to kill Alex's brother."

"I know. I snapped. Last year Noah told me that we were energized by killing and not by healing. Even then I knew he was right.  I… Obviously I can usually fight that, but I guess this time my better angels just didn't show up."

"We have to stop keeping secrets from each other, Max. There's a scientist in town.  She's a supervisor at Genoryx.  She has a job for me in California. She's offered to sponsor my dad's citizenship. And it could put me in a position to help Rosa too. I mean, I'd be able to do a lot of good with the grant money they're offering, and I know that all sounds too good to be true, but…"

"It sounds like someone finally realizes how valuable your mind is."

"I think that a change of scenery will be so good for us. I mean, we could get a place by the beach and you could write."

"You want me to come with you?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, I mean, I just told you I have this killer instinct, and you want me to come to California with you."

"We'll figure it out. Okay? We'll figure all of it out together. Run away with me, Max Evans?"

"Anywhere."

Max goes to see Cam at work. She picks on him for getting arrested and has his mugshot as her desktop background because friends!

Max asks about Charlie.

"Yeah she texted me from a burner phone that she was all right and then she vanished again."

Max tells her that he has a doctor's appointment and then asks her to do some undercover work for him.

Michael visiting Maria at the hospital.

"So Alex thinks Harlan found out that Tripp was an alien sympathizer all that time and he offed him."

"So Mimi must have known that you would find it. That's why she left the box. Look, I know you don't trust my mom's visions, but I was the only one who could grab that atomizer and run with it. If it had been you, you'd be dead."

Maria takes off the bracelet.

"What are you doing? Maria, that prevents brain damage."

"I'm only part alien, but it is a part of me. Even if it's dangerous I can't just turn off a piece of myself."

"So I'm supposed to sit around helpless as you fade away? Maria, I cannot watch you disappear. I love you."

"I love you too."

"So can we just let this go?"

"You have it wrong. Mimi hasn't disappeared. Yes she can be inconvenient, she can make people uncomfortable, but maybe she's supposed to be an uncomfortable inconvenience that saves lives. And now I need to be inconvenient, and I don't want to be someone that hurts you. I think that we should find out what's next, apart from each other."

"Wait, so you think that if we break up, I'm gonna be able to stop caring about you?"

"I learned so much, being with you. You sacrificed yourself without hesitation when Alex needed you."

"I would have done the same for you."

"I know. I don't doubt your capacity for love, 'cause you made me so happy this year. And I loved being someone that made you happy. I just think that we should leave it be, before I wonder if someone else could make you happier. Open the box, Guerin. Let's see what comes next.

Skip forward to the Crashdown where Michael has the box in a booth with Alex and Isobel. He opens the box and pulled out a journal, which they in turn read aloud.

I did a separate post on the journal's content and the Tripp and Nora flashbacks here:

Kyle visits Steph in the hospital

"What do you think will happen?"

"What do you mean?"

"When I die, idiot."

"You know, Socrates thought that death was a blessing, because only one of two things could happen. Either consciousness ceases, and it's like falling into a dreamless sleep. Or you go to where all who have died before you have gone. Your loved ones, people you admire. If you lived a good and just life, you will be surrounded by goodness and justice, in a place without fear. Sorry.  I thought a lot about this when my dad passed, so I…"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I'm putting you through this again."

"No...I want to be here."

Liz interrupts them. She clearly wasn't expecting Kyle to be there and comments on Max's appointment.  Kyle gets up to leave.

Diego and Margot are talking in the Wild Pony:

"I was very impressed with her work when we first pursued her, but when I met her today, not so much."

"Why? 'Cause she had a little ketchup on her uniform?"

Undercover!Jenna staggers up to them and spills her drink on them, tells Margot that she's beautiful, and plants a listening device.

"Anyway I think we should move on."

"Okay, wait a sec.  Liz has been working on something recently, but she signed this NDA. Although I guess she can't be blamed if we took a peek, you know? Without permission."

The line that will haunt me for the next year. Kyle to Max while showing him what appears to be chest X-rays.

"You know what I'm saying here, right Max?"

Cameron calls:

"You were right. It is too good to be true. Diego just told some woman he can get her access to Liz's lab. He must have followed her there."

"Well, there's a security system."

"The way he's talking, it sounded like Diego's pretty certain he can get access. They just left here, Evans.  You need to tell Liz to get anything incriminating out of there - now."

Max arrives at the lab and immediately sees that the security system was manufactured by Genoryx. He uses his powers to break the system and get into the lab. He quickly searches through all of Liz's records and then pours what appears to be gas or lighter fluid or some other flammable substance all over the place and then uses his powers to set a fire.

He listens to the notes on Liz's recorder, which by the way has 22 minutes of recording on it. Some of what we hear:

This is my record of the dissection of specimen NB.

... immunoglobulin harvested from alien DNA can be transferred to a human recipient.

Commence dissection of the dorsal side of the spinal nerve.

I hypothesize that the female specimen's plasma…

Bracken's seminal cells indicate a pH level double that of a human counterpart.

I'm now extracting the grey matter to measure alien voxel signals.

Note that Max doesn't seem to have any chest pain this time when he uses his powers.

Right as Diego and Margot show up the lab explodes.

Max comes home to find Michael and Isobel waiting for him.  He's clearly exhausted and upset after the lab.

"Can whatever this is wait until tomorrow?"

"Jones? That's the guy who grew the crop circles in the shape of my name."

"Nope. We spent the day reading Tripp Manes' journal. Caffeinate, Max... Okay, so, when I asked Sanders about this photo of Nora, he said he didn't know whose hand this was. He was all, Mr. Bernhardt, Mr. Jones, Old Man Gibbons. Could've been anybody."

"Ten points to Hufflepuff."

"So in October '48, Nora decided not to finish building the ship with Louise. She decided to go to the reservation with Tripp."

"But then little Walt convinced her to go to the fall festival, where after successfully avoiding him for a year, she finally ran into the alien stowaway who had crashed the ship. He'd been masquerading as a farmer."

"Mr. Jones."

"Tripp saw Jones approach Nora, and he recognized him from the night of the crash, but he didn't have a chance to ask Nora about it before Harlan called for a raid on the farm."

"Yeah. And after the massacre, Jones was never heard from again. Crop circles were all that was left."

"If you were in hiding, why would you grow corn in the shape of an alien symbol?"

"Maybe they just grew that way.  It's the same way that this symbol just shows up everywhere, you know?"

Michael reveals his tattoo and it's the first time Max has seen it.

"Wait, when did..?"

"Oh, I got it when we weren't sure if you were coming back. It didn't feel like it was ever gonna be the same again."

"All right. There. Now can we all cowboy up and focus, please? Let's feel our feelings after we've solved the mystery of the unknown alien. After the raid on the farm, Nora was held by Project Shepherd."

Note...not actually accurate. Michael didn't get the tattoo until Max was out of surgery.

See Journal and Flashbacks post for the flashback.

Jenna and Charlie reunite. Relevant quote to remember:

Liz and Rosa find the destroyed lab.  Liz sees the fractal burn that indicates that Max is the one that destroyed it.

"I fought so hard to become who I am, and I just trade her in every time I get scared? No. I don't want to be on the run anymore."

Back to Max's house:

"Whatever happened to that thing that she and Louise were building out in the desert? I mean, did she ever tell him where it was or what it was?"

"Nope. And when Tripp asked Louise about it, she was silent."

Liz walks in and interrupts.

"Why'd you do it, Max?"

They go into the bedroom to fight.

"I'd been asking you for weeks to clear out that lab, okay? I knew it wasn't safe."

"Alex installed a military-grade security system."

"A system designed by Genoryx, okay? Diego could have hacked it. He could already know everything."

"And his nefarious plan is to what? Set us up with a condo in L.A.? Give my family a second chance?"

"Okay, I have a family to protect too."

"Yes, and you could have stopped Diego without destroying a year of my work!"

"I had to act fast."

"So your first instinct was to go with the one method that would break my heart?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking about your heart when I'm staring at jars with Noah's liver and his brain. I mean, what else did you harvest from us, Liz?"

"Those are just cells. I wasn't hurting anyone. I don't know what you thought love was gonna be like when we were 17, but it isn't just sunsets and horseback rides."

"You can't put this all on me. Okay you were sneaking around behind my back…"

"I apologized. I stopped. Max, you died this year. I was all alone because of a choice that you made, but still every single thing I did was for you and about you and with you. So when you were back, when I could finally touch you. When I could finally breathe. I needed to take just one moment to remember where I end and where you begin. To just be whole in who I am. I am a scientist. I am fighting for something that is bigger than me. I am trying to leave this world a better place. And I am in love with you. And right now, I hate it."

Liz leaves and Max takes another dose of the antidote.

Time jump. No idea how long or what has happened in between.  Liz and Rosa on the Crashdown roof saying goodbyes.

"Dad is checking your oil and making sure you have enough chile...also you left this in our room. Mom's been texting."

"Trying to come up with a better response than, go duck yourself… You should come with me. The Ortecho sisters take California."

"I wish. But I can't. I'm going back to rehab tonight. I want to see the program through. Sorry."

"Don't be. It's the best possible thing you could have said."

"You know… Max should be your road trip buddy. You love him.  You're gonna forgive him.  Besides, we both know if you try to leave town without him again, he's just gonna show up with some big, grand romantic gesture to stop you."

Open mic night at the Pony.  Alex and Kyle have a drink together.

"So how does it feel to have your father's murder officially avenged?."

"Feels like my dad's still dead. Flint should be okay. He'll live to become the new Jesse Manes."

"No he won't. I'm not gonna let it happen."

"After everything you still believe in redemption?"

"Well, I have a pretty good example of it right in front of me."

Alex sings his song. Michael, Isobel, Greg, and Forrest are all there listening.

Flash to Kyle going to Steph's hospital room.  The bed is empty...because she's up doing her makeup, her hands steady.

"Your hands are better.  Did they give you morphine?"

"I woke up this morning feeling incredible. Look at my chart. My numbers are up. It's a miracle."

"Or just really good science."

Liz is preparing to leave, her suitcase beside her in the empty Crashdown as she stands at the juke box one last time. Kyle runs in.

"What you did was reckless. And dangerous. And unethical, Liz. Thank you." 

Back at the Wild Pony, Michael watches Forrest listening to Alex sing.  He turns to leave. Isobel tries to stop him.

"It's a sad story, me and Alex. I have to walk away so we can start a new one someday. It's not our time right now."

"But it will be."

"I think so."

Rosa walks up to a bar.  She hesitates before going in, her hands shaking.

Liz buckles into her car, ready to leave.  She looks in the rearview window and waits.  She's clearly expecting Max to come.  But he's at home studying his alien symbols. She gives in and pulls away, leaving Roswell. Her season ends with her looking out over the ocean.

Alex finishes his song and Greg and Forrest are still there and are proud of him.

"Well, damn. How do you feel?"

"Like I just sang a song about a guy in front of a bunch of cowboys, and...I don't care."

"Oh, lucky guy, with a song like that."

"Yeah it was a long time ago…can I?"

Alex and Forrest kiss.

Rosa walks into the bar. Helena is there.

"If you came to tell me what I did wrong, your sister already texted."

"Did you get what you wanted, Mom? Is your score finally settled?"

"No. I wanted everyone to see Jesse Manes humiliated and weak. I wanted him to die knowing shame. But the papers say it was a tragedy. People like him - bad white men - they die heroes, no matter what they've done. People like us - we die villains."

"Yeah I know. I've done it. But I also got a second chance. So I get to leave a different legacy. The last time that I saw you, I said that I hated you. That's not true. I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, mija."

"I also told you to leave and I was right about that. Liz was free and it should have stayed that way. Manes is gone. There is no revenge to be had. No closure and no redemption. Don't come back, mom. Don't bother Liz again. I really hope you get better. Maybe you can have a second chance too."

Another possible time jump. Michael and Isobel pull up to where Max is out in the desert.

"How'd you guys find me?"

"Freaky twin thing. What's going on?"

"I took more of the antidote. Sorry, I should have called you guys."

"Save it. We are sick of being pissed at you for being so obnoxiously yourself. Why you look so scared?"

Pod Squad is investigating a cave. There's a door or opening covered by alien text with the alien symbol on it. It sorta looks like there's something behind it.

"Um, well, when I touched the alien console at the fair, something happened. I heard whispers that I couldn't understand...until now. I think when I touched it I unlocked something... Like a cage? The whispers led me here. I know it sounds crazy, but would you guys help me find a tunnel?"

"It's sealed up."

"I feel like we should learn more before we just busy that door open."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

There's a knocking sound and a voice calls out.

"Help! Is someone there?"

"If Max unlocked something at CrashCon, whoever that is has been down here for days without…"

"I need water. Please."

"There has to be three."

Note that we now know which symbol represents each of them.

The door shatters and they all react (Isobel's face is priceless).  

We flash back to the mysterious stowaway/alien hoodie dude/Jones. Louise fighting him.  Now we can see that it's Max. Nora kneeling after the crash with the hand on her shoulder. It's Max's face. He attacks/burns the military men/Hector Valenti.

The stowaway/Jones looks exactly like Max. Only with a really bad beard. 

"Howdy partner."

MUSIC:

1. Hootie & The Blowfish "Time"

2. Tyler Rich "Leave Her Wild"

3. Clay Rigdon "That Kinda Kiss"

4. Marc Danziesen "See Yourself"

5. Gloria Hart and Art Kassel "Frankie And Johnny"

6. The Score "Legend"

7. Sarah May Byrom "Rhythm Of A Memory"

8. Tyler Blackburn "Would You Come Home"

9. The Well Pennies "The Echo And The Shadow"

10. Valerie Broussard "Dark Side"

#roswell new mexico #rnm season 2 #details #episode details #long post #rnm 213 #mr. jones

[chickensarentcheap]

Sanctuary -Chapter 51

Warnings: none

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @alievans007​, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @thunderintheshadows​, @valkyrie-of-the-light​

“I do not need a goddamn wheelchair.” Esme grumbles, five hours later, as Kyle pushes her out of the front entrance of their local hospital. “I can walk on my own.”

“Well considering you fainted once at mom's, and twice while you were here, I think it's safe to say you shouldn't be walking anywhere on your own right now.”

“People faint,” she shrugs.

“Pregnant women shouldn't faint. And they especially shouldn't faint three times. You heard what the doctor said. You're severely dehydrated, your blood pressure is sky high, and when you fainted, you managed to hit your head, give yourself a concussion, and receive seven stitches for your trouble.”  

She frowns at the last part; gingerly touching the bandage that covers the injury in question that runs down some of her forehead and into her right eyebrow.

“So now you have a prescription he wants you to get, and you've got this handy dandy portable IV...” he nods down at the small back like device resting in her lap, the needle of the IV having been inserted into the top of her left hand and secured with clear tape. “A nurse will come every day to check on it. To change the bag and see if the line is still good. Just be thankful that you get to go home. If I had my way, I would have had you admitted for a couple of days at least.”

“Well good thing firefighters have no pull when it comes to those things. Because I do not need to be in the hospital.  All I need, is to be as far away from mom as possible. Can you believe the things she said? Who says shit like that? Who wishes death on their own son in law? Or basically suggests her married daughter gets an abortion because mommy dearest doesn't like said son in law?”

“Look, what mom said was completely out of line and I think she's a huge bitch for saying any of it. But stop thinking about it. Because what she said and how you reacted is how you ended up here in the first place. So let's not talk about mom at all, okay? I'll take you home and keep an eye on you. You'll be more comfortable there than at my place. In your own bed, surrounded by all your stuff.”

Nik had assured them that it would be perfectly safe to return to the house; she and the security team would be there around the clock, and they were more than capable of both spotting and diffusing threats.

“Not everything,” she sighs. “My kids aren't there. My husband isn't there.”

“Well, he will be, Because he's on his way back.”

“Wait...wait...” she clamps her hands down on the wheels of the chair, preventing them from turning. “...what do you mean he's on his way back? You called him?  You actually called him? Why the hell would you do that?”

“I didn't call him. Nik did.”

“Why? She didn't need to do that. Why the hell...?”

“Oh I don't know why she would do that, Esme. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you're his wife and you're pregnant with his baby and you nearly just got admitted to the damn hospital!”

“I just fainted. When did it become such a serious issue for someone to faint? It's not life or death.”

“Okay, first of all, it's never normal for someone to just faint unless there's an underlying issue. Second, you're having a baby. So there isn't just a concern with your health, but with the baby's health too. You're not the type that gets sick easily and you don't normally have health problems. But, you have to admit, with the twins and Declan, there were problems. A lot of problems. Especially with the twins. So don't you think it's better to get you looked at and see if there's something else going on? With either of you?”

“It's just stress. The doctor asked if I've been under a lot of stress and I have. Huge stress. And then mom started with her shit and...”

“Listen, it's just better if things are taken seriously. They did some tests and some blood work and if anything is wrong, they'll let you know. Better to be safe than sorry, right?”

She nods.

“If nothing is wrong, then great. If something is wrong, then at least they found it and at least they can do something about it. Why do you have to be like this? So damn stubborn? Of all the things you had to inherit from dad, it had to be one of the worst possible things.”

“Well you inherited his looks so the joke's on you,” she teases.

“Are you trying to say I'm ugly?” he grins.

“I'm trying to say when you were born, mom said 'what a treasure' and dad said 'yeah, let's bury it'.”

Kyle chuckles. “I should dump you out of this wheelchair for saying that.”

“You'd never. You love me too much. Since we were kids and you used to beat up the bullies that used to teased me because I liked to climb trees and play with Transformers and GI Joe's instead of dolls.”

“I tell you, you could throw a left hook better than any of the guys I knew. They were just jealous. Because you were cooler than they were and I liked to hang out with you more than them. I'll stay with you okay? Keep an eye on you. Make sure you're eating and drinking and taking it easy. I already called my boss and he said to take a couple days and call him if I need more time. I'll hang around until Tyler gets here.”

“I still can't believe Nik called him,” Esme huffs. “This is the last thing he needs on his plate. He's already got enough  stress with having to go New Zealand and find those kids. He doesn't need to be worrying about me too. You should have just left it alone and not told him.”

“Kid, he's your husband. There was never an option of not telling him. I think he cares more about you and this baby than he does about some fucking job. I get its kids that are involved. I get how bad that sucks and how horrible it is. I really do. But someone else can finish the job. He's not the only mercenary out there.”

“He feels he needs to finish it. That he started it and it's up to him to get them.”

“Well he's obviously changed his mind because he's on his way home.”

“For good?”

“I don't know. I didn't talk to him. Like I said, Nik called him. And apparently he flipped his shit and told her to get him on the first flight home and that's what she did. So despite what mom thinks about him, he obviously cares more about you and the baby than he does about the job. If he didn't, he wouldn't have insisted that he was coming home even after Nik assured him that things weren't that serious.”

“And you call me stubborn? Tyler is way worse than I am.”

“He's not stubborn. He loves you. There's never been a doubt of that, that's for sure. I mean, if he can put up with your shit for this long, he must love you.”

“Or he's just a glutton for punishment.”

“Hey, you said it, not me,” he pushes the wheelchair as close as he can to the front passenger side door of his truck, and then sits the brakes and squeezes between his vehicle and the one parked beside to open the door. “Hey!” he scolds, when she attempts to stand. “I don't think so, kid. Sit your ass down. You don't do anything unless I tell you to, understand?”

“As much as I'm sure Nik will find your assertiveness insanely hot, you're my brother and you don't get to boss me around.”

“The hell I don't. Sit.”

“Fine,” she huffs, and plops back down. “You know, you are more like dad than I realized. He was bossy too,”

“Are you like this at home?” Kyle inquires, as he pops open the door and then helps her out of the chair, hands under her arms for support. “Do you get like this when Tyler tries to help? You get all obstinate and bitchy with him too?”

“Yep. And then he gets mad and we fight and then we have angry sex and things go back to normal.”

“You know what, some things I do not need to know. And that's one of them. Can you get up in there or do you need me to put you over my shoulder and drop you in to your seat?”

“I'm not an invalid, thank you very much. I only fainted.”

“Three times. And stop lying to yourself that there's just that wrong, okay? There's something going on with either you or the baby and it needs to get sorted out. Just let people take care of you, okay? You've spent five and half years either taking care of Tyler or taking care of kids. It's your turn now.”

“Oh just what I want. Sitting on my ass while someone caters to every whim and need...wait a second...” she frowns and cocks her head to the side. “...that actually sounds kind of nice.”

“You deserve someone to wait on you hand and foot, kid. Like the princess you are.”

“Princess? I'm the motherfucking queen, K.”

He just shakes his head and shuts her door.

****

While it's good to be home, it feels strange at the same time. It's empty. Lonely. Way too quiet. Nothing more than furniture and other belongings in empty rooms.  No kids running around; no shrieking, no squealing, no giggling, no near constant demands for snacks and juice. No dog barking or following her from room to room, desperate for the attention he isn't receiving (yet definitely is) from the others. No husband out working in the back yard or the garage.  While all of their things are there...in the exact places they'd been left...the house and its surroundings seem foreign. As if it belongs to someone else.

“Nik said the guys checked the place,” Kyle says, as he steps out onto the back deck, carrying a bottle of beer for himself, a steaming mug of tea -decaf, as the ER doctor had suggested-, where she sits in one of the oversized Adriondack chairs, a flannel blanket pulled up to her chin, legs stretched out and feet on the wooden railing in front of her.  “No sign of any trouble. Maybe those Irish guys already came to town and scared the bad guys away.”

“Or at least chased them somewhere else,” she says, and gives her brother an appreciative smile as he places her drink in the chair's cup holder.

“It's getting pretty late. You should be getting some rest.”

“It's nine thirty.”

“At night.”

“It's nine thirty,” she stresses. “I haven't gone to bed this early since before I had Millie. Before I got too huge and too uncomfortable and I couldn't sleep properly anyway.  You're getting a little too naggy.”

“I'm not naggy,” he argues, as he takes a seat in the chair beside her. “I'm worried about my kid sister. And my niece or nephew. Maybe both. Maybe there's two in there again.”

“Oh God, bite your tongue. Do not wish that on me for a second time. I love my boys to the end of the earth and beyond, that was the most brutal seven and a half months of my entire life. I do not want to go through that again. I'd rather have another nine plus pounder than two at the same time. Besides...” she reaches under her blanket and pulls out the ultrasound photo she's been keeping safe in her possession. “...looks like there's one baby Rake.”

Kyle takes the picture from her, squinting his eyes in an attempt to make out any distinguishing features. “What the hell am I looking at?”

She leans sideways in her seat and begins pointing out various things that the tech had circled. Heart, spine, kidneys, both eyes, nose, and mouth.  The radiologist on call had said that everything looked 'perfectly fine' and 'extremely healthy'. All parts existent and working properly, from what he could tell. “I'm a lot further than I thought,” she says to her brother. “I thought maybe two months. Three at the most.”

“And?” he asks.

“Three months, three weeks and two days.”

“Do you know the exact hours and minutes too?”

She rolls her eyes.  “I don't know that's the exact time. That's what the tech said based on all the measurements and everything. That's almost four months, K. I don't understand how it can be that far ahead. Nearly four months and I never showed any signs whatsoever? I mean, I missed a period and a half of one but that's nothing. Things have always been screwed up in that respect. That's never been normal.”

“Okay, you're my sister and I do not need to know certain things. Your...cycle...or whatever...is not something I need to know.  So it's a bad thing you're this far ahead, or...?”

“It's not that it's bad. It's just weird. Look, when you get married and your wife starts having babies, she will know everything that goes on in her body. And I mean everything. I thought I did know everything that my body is telling me. I mean, I've only been through this three other times, right? Oh no. This time is totally different. I thought I was just run down and stressed and worried and all that crap that comes with Tyler doing what he does. And you know what? He was the one the one who thought I was pregnant. Way before I did. You know what that means?”

Kyle frowns.  “What?”

“It means he was right. And when I tell him just how far along I am and that he was right, he will hold that over my head for years. Decades. Because that's what Tyler does. Because Tyler isn't used to being right and when I have to admit he is, he makes my life hell. Well maybe not hell. But he makes it very annoying. And I am not in the mood for that kind of shit. I'm cranky and I'm hormonal and it pains me inside to know I have to admit he was right.”

Her brother laughs. “You two are perfect for each other, I swear. He practically says the same stuff about you.”

“Excuse me? He does what? Have you been talking about me?” she gives an excited gasp and sits up, then asks “ Do you have a bromance going on?”

“We talk,” Kyle admits.

“When?”

“When you don't realize it's happening. What? You need to know everything?”

“I think it's a big deal when my husband...the black sheep of this family, through no doing of his own...is having a bromance with my favourite brother. It makes my heart happy. What's wrong with that? And what do you guys talk about?”

He shrugs. “Guy stuff.”

She stares at him pointedly.

“What? Guy stuff. You know, going to the gym, cars, trucks, work shit, girl shit.”

“Girl shit? He's talking about girls with my brother?”

“He doesn't talk about girls. I talk about girls. He talks about you.”

“Oh really...” her eyes narrow. “...and what does he say? Don't hold back. You can tell me. Don't protect him.”

“Nothing bad, I swear. He has never once said anything bad about you. The total opposite, actually. Trust me when I say that after five and a half years, that guy is still wildly and crazily in love with you.”

She smiles and sips her tea.  “He's lucky.”

“It's just random guy shit we talk about. I mean, every so often we'll talk about how big of a bitch mom is and how ridiculous the shit she says is.  Sometimes we talk about sports.  He really hates hockey by the way but I won't hold that against him. And every so often he'll talk about shit that's bothering him.”

“Really?” she's genuinely surprised. “He talks to you about that stuff?”

Kyle nods and sips his beer.

“What has he told you?”

“Esme, it's kind of personal, don't you think? If he's telling me and not you...”

“I'm not asking to be nosy and I don't expect you to betray his confidence. I'm asking because I'm worried about him. He's been having some really hard times, K. Mentally. And not just the depression and the anxiety. But with the PTSD and the brain fog and the memory issues. Have you noticed any of those things?”

“I've noticed a couple things, I guess. Nothing major. I just figured that whatever he'd been through had done a real number on him, you know? I mean, now that I know exactly what he went through, it's no wonder the guy has issues. That would fuck anyone up.”

“Has he told you about any issues? Anything specific?”

“Esme....”

“He's my husband. Kyle. And I'm worried about him. I don't know what to do for him. I don't know if he needs more therapy or if he needs different medication or if he needs both. I just want to help him.”

“I know. But right now, you're the one that needs help. I know you're used to being the mother hen and the one that babies everyone, but you've got your own shit going on, kid. You do not need to be stressing out over this. If you want me to, I can talk to him. See if he'll tell me anything else other than what he already has. But you can't be worried about this. Especially now. Not with your own stuff going on.”

“I fainted, K. That's it. I fainted.”

“There's way more than that going on and you know it. You need to take it easy and let people take care of you for a change. Stop trying to solve everyone's problems and just worry about yourself. That's why you're having issues in the first place. Because you stress yourself trying to fix everybody. Just...stop...” he reaches out and gently squeezes the back of her neck.  “...stop trying to save everyone.”

“That is not what I'm trying to do. I'm worried about him, Kyle. Legitimately worried. He isn't himself and he...”

“You just said he was stressed and had a lot on his plate.”

“It goes way beyond that.”

“Is he drinking again? Back on the Oxy?”

“He was drinking but he says he's sober and staying sober. And no.  He's not on Oxy again. He doesn't even like taking Tylenol. Which is a problem all in itself because he's in all this pain and he doesn't want to take anything for it.”

“And I said I would talk to him and see if he'll tell me anything else. Look, he's not coming home so you can take care of him. He's coming home to take care of you. Would you let him do that? You always have this need to take care of him, maybe he feels like he needs to do the same thing for you.  So give him that, okay?”

“You promise you'll talk to him?”

“If you're that worried about him...”

“I am. And this isn't my usual worrying about stupid shit. This is serious. There is something going on up in his brain and I don't know how to help him. And I know he hates telling me things because he hates me worrying. So maybe he'll tell you instead.”

“I will talk to him,” Kyle promises her. “You've had a long day. Lots of time on a plane, the excitement at mom's, all the poking and prodding at the hospital. You need sleep. That baby's counting on you, kid. You're the only one that can keep him or her safe and sound in there. So go. Go inside and lie down and sleep.  I'll be on the couch if you need me.” okay?”

“Where's Nik going to be?” she teases, as she pushes the blanket off of her and stands up, immediately feeling light headed and having to place a hand on her brother's shoulder to steady herself.

“I knew you should have been admitted,” he huffs.

“I'm fine. I just got up too quickly. Relax, dad. Jesus.”

“Don't get lippy with me. Because I will fireman carry you upstairs.”

“Is that how you're going to get Nik into bed? Seduce her with your fireman abilities?” she tousles his hair, presses a kiss to his cheek.

“How do you know she's not going to seduce me?” he counters.

“If you're going to have sex, I just ask that it's not in any of my children's beds. And stay out of Ovi's apartment.  Go and do it somewhere else if you have to. I don't want to be hearing the two of you bumping uglies, okay?”

“It's only fair. I've had to hear you and Tyler before.”

“That's because Tyler was trying to teach you how to do things properly,” she teases.

“You're a smart ass, you know that.”

“I do,” she says, and then disappears into the house.

***

The traffic is terrible; hampered by a steady rain and strong winds.   And he sits in the passenger seat as Yaz drives,  elbow on the door, hand rubbing his chin and mouth repeatedly, both legs shaking nervously.  The call from home has him on edge; brain running through all worst possible case scenarios, nerves completely shot, desperately yearning for something to take the edge of.  To at least calm him enough to stop fearing the worst. The assurances from Nik that there wasn't something seriously wrong hadn't worked; she'd insisted that he didn't need to return home and that things were 'under control' and he needed to just stay where he was and concentrate on the job at hand. He'd snapped on her. Telling her to shove the job up her ass and get him a way home. Sooner. Not later. That she'd set this bullshit in motion the moment she decided that ratting him out was a good idea. Had she not done that, Esme would still be in Ireland. Not half way around the goddamn world, dealing with issues with the baby all by herself.

“You need to calm down,” Yaz says.

“You need to fuck off,” Tyler retorts.

Yaz sighs. “You won't miss the flight. The guy's waiting for you. So...”

“I fucking hate traffic.”

“Okay, I get that. But like I said, they're waiting for you...”

“I don't give a shit. I need to get home. But instead I'm stuck in this fucking bullshit,” he angrily gestures out the windshield.

“”You heard what Nik said. Everything is fine. They didn't even admit her. If there was something wrong, she would have been admitted. “

Tyler sighs, and closes his eyes; trying his best to block out his friend's voice. The last thing he fucking needs is someone trying to tell him just where his concerns should lie and where his priorities should be. There'd been no hesitation when Nik had called; he'd already been throwing clothes and other personal belongings into one of the suitcases before she even got to the part where things 'weren't that bad'. It didn't matter how goddamn bad things were; he was going home and no one was going to stop him.

“It isn't that bad,” Yaz says. “Can you stop shaking like that? It's annoying me.”

“Just fucking drive,” he responds, and shakes his legs even harder, just to be spiteful.

“Would you just calm down? What are you so freaked out about?”

“If you tell me to calm down one more time...”

“Being this worked up isn't solving anything. I'm getting you to the airport, they're not going to take off without you, Nik said that things are that bad and....”

“I don't give a fuck what Nik said.  I need to get home. To my wife. I don't care if things are 'that bad' or not. She shouldn't be going through this alone.”

“Isn't her brother with her?”

“What the hell does that matter? I should be with her. And I would be if I never took this goddamn job. If that fucking asshole never showed up in Colorado.”

“Well technically, he's been after you since Guatemala, so...”

“Yaz, we don't need to get fucking technical. If we really want to get into it, none of this would be happening if your sister didnt' fuck up and hire Jason Andrews' brother. Which is who hired McMann to take me out. And if I really want to be a petty asshole, I'd say we also wouldn't be in this situation if your sister hadn't have ratted me out to my wife in the first place.”

“I get you're pissed about that, but...”

“I am more than pissed. I am so far past pissed. She should have just kept her fucking mouth shut. There was no reason she had to go to Esme. What good did it do?”

“Other than get you to knock your shit off and start getting your head on straight? She did the right thing, and if you'd calm down long enough, you'd realize that.”

“Stop fucking telling me to calm down!” he snaps.  “I will knock you the fuck out, Yaz, I don't care if you're driving. I am on my last shred of sanity and my last nerve is hanging on by a thread.  This all could have been avoided if your sister kept her mouth shut. If she'd minded her own business, Esme would still be here. With me. And that way if things went wrong with the baby, I'd be with her. Not thousands of miles away.”

“If you hadn't have decided to take matters into your own hands and drug and kidnap someone, it wouldn't be happening either.”

“Do I need to fucking remind you that you were on my side? That you agreed McMann deserved to suffer? That you agreed to help me? And then as soon as your sister showed up, you fucking bailed on me and threw me under the bus. That was a bitch move, Yaz. You fucking coward.”

“It was getting out of control. You were getting out of control. We've been friends a long time, Tyler. Even longer than you and Nik. I'm the one that got you into the job in the first place. And believe me, every day I want to kick myself in the ass for that. Because if I'd never done that, this wouldn't all be happening. And Dhaka never would have happened.”

“A lot of good things came out of Dhaka,” Tyler says, and can't even believe the words came out of his own mouth.

For years he's been dwelling on all of the bad things that happened in Bangladesh; Mahajan Senior screwing them over, G being killed, Gaspar betraying him, everything that took place on the Sultana Kamal Bridge, the fact that Esme had to see and hear the things she did. Even those long months in the hospital and the lingering, life altering after effects. Maybe it's the meds in his system; allowing him to think clearly and rationally instead of turning him into a zombie.

“Yeah? Like what?”

“My wife, for one. My kids. My chance at a normal life. Which I keep fucking up in the most epic ways possible.”

“It's hard. You've been doing the job for a long time. It's hard to just let it go,” Yaz reasons. “Even though you've got half a dozen reasons to walk away, you just can't. Somewhere along the long, the job stopped being something you do and you became the job.”

Tyler snorts. “Ain't that some shit.”

“You never meant for it to happen. It's not like you intentionally became that way. And it's not like you wanted to put it before your wife and your kids. You didn't even realize it was happening. It just did.  No one is going to fault you for that, Tyler.”

“They don't need to. I already hate myself enough for it.”

“Esme doesn't. She's still around.”

“Until she's not one day. And I don't want that happening.  I can't let that happen. You ask why I'm going home when things aren't that bad? Because that's where I fucking belong. It's where I've always belonged and I never let it happen. Home was never enough until I realized how close I was to losing it. So maybe you're not a coward, Yaz. But I am. I was a coward when I left when Austin was dying and I've been a coward for the last five and a half years.”

His head hurts. Even worse than his knee and his shoulder, for  once. And he reaches into one of the pockets of his flack jacket and pulls out a bottle of prescription meds; twisting off the cap and dumping three small pills into his palm.

“Thought you took your meds today,” Yaz comments.

“You keeping tabs on me now?”

“Thought you were only supposed to take one Valium a day? What the fuck...?”

“It's ativan, dumb ass. For anxiety.  I'm a little fucking anxious right now.”

“A little?”

“Don't make me hurt you, Yaz.”

He places the pills under his tongue, waiting for them to fully dissolve before reaching for a bottle of water sitting in one of the cup holders.

“Are you coming back?” Yaz asks.

“I don't know.”

“When will you know?”

“When I get home and see how bad things are. Can I get home first? Can I get to see my wife and talk to her before you start asking me these things? Fuck the job. She has to come first.”

“I get that. I do. But we're supposed to leave for New Zealand in two days.”

“So leave for New Zealand in two days. Mark and his boys will be with you. What? You need me there to hold your hand? You need me to spoon feed you and wipe your ass after you take a shit?”

Yaz smirks. “You can be a real dick.”

“If...and that's a big if right now...I come back, I'll meet up with you guys there. You don't need me there to gather up intel and find where the kids are. You just need me to get them out.”

“Exactly. We need you. You. Not some random fucking Marine that's never done shit like this before. And definitely not Mark. If anyone would fuck things right up, it's that guy. You're the one with the experience. We need you.”

“Nik can find someone else.”

“There is no one else. And you've been on this since day one. You know the history.  I don't want some newbie just walking in and screwing things up. You're the only one that can do this. Properly. Don't fucking bail on me, Tyler.”

“It's what I do, Yaz. I bail on people. You don't realize that by now?”

“You didn't bail on Ovi,” he points out. “Even when you were told to.”

Tyler sighs.

“So? Are you?” Yaz presses. “Coming back?”

“I don't know,” he admits. “I honestly don't know.”

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