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talas-starlight · 4 years

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Lover - Percy Jackson x Fem!reader

SUMMARY: You’ve crushed on Percy for years, him on the other hand? It’s more of a recent development. That doesn’t mean he likes you any less.

(Older Percy & reader - they're like 21) ALSO idk perfectly what happens in trials of apollo so let’s just ✨ignore that ✨ & this isn’t sexual despite what the title may suggest

WORD COUNT: 2.7k

A/N: hi friends this is for @fromthewatertribe ‘s 1k follower event!! Im sure most of you have but if not definitely check out their work!! Its soooo good I promises and ugh their Leo fic?! *chefs kiss* anyway idk if this is any good oop I tried

PROMPTS USED: 9 & 11. (they’re bolded)

WARNINGS: swearing, mentions of ptsd & anxiety, kissing stuff lol ish eh idk, mentions of percabeth breakup?? Does that count?

MASTERLIST: here!

An obnoxiously red and orange light filters into the motel room, even with the old and tattered curtains closed, the motels’ sign conquers its way through the fabric. Sighing you flop yourself on the faded, probably twenty-year-old bed. Nose scrunching as some dust raises into the air, consequently letting out a sneeze.

“Bless you.”

“Did you just bless yourself?”

You winced at the reminder someone else was in the room, exhausted after the two-day travel to a motel room in the middle of whoop. “Yeah…”

“You really are something, aren’t you?” At the calm amusement evident in his tone, your heart rate began to slow down. He didn’t think you were crazy.

You let out a breathy laugh. Wow, I wonder how those stains got on the ceiling? Lava monster perhaps? Are those even a thing? Probably.

“Yeah… well, someone has to Jackson.” You glance towards him, he’s sitting at the small, poor excuse of a dining table. Heart rate picking up again as he gives you a small smile, already having his eyes on you this entire time.

“If I don’t, who will?” you continue.

“Touché. In that case, I’ll do the blessing from now on; you deserve a break.” Shooting you a wink. Instantly feeling flustered at his action, you fight the urge to cover your face with your hands.

Oh, Percy, if only you knew you’ve already been blessing me for the past six years.

“Even say…. If we’re in a battle?” you muse.

He gets up from the table and walks towards you. Once he reaches your side of the queen bed, he kneels, grabbing the hand closest to him, while putting his other on top of his heart. “Oh, y/n l/n, even with my dying breath.”

With that, you burst into a fit of laughter. This boy and his sarcasm.

You play along. “Hmmm what a great tale that will be. The one and only, Perseus Jackson, spending his final breath on sweet old y/n l/n. How dare you burden me with such a legacy to live up to! They’ll think I’m your lover, you know. Demigods all around the world will come searching for me, just to gawk at the beauty that stole your heart.”

At this point, Percy has fallen from his kneeling position, completely lying on the ground, overcome with laughter.

“This isn’t funny, Percy! How am I supposed to live with the guilt of knowing I don’t live up to their expectations?! I’m hardly a warrior either, oh the disappointment.”

Gasping for breath, he manages to find his words, “Don’t stress it y/n, you’re plenty beautiful. I just know they’ll all be stunned by your beauty. Don’t sell yourself short… trust me, once they see you, they’ll be envious that my lover was so enraptured by me that you’ll never be able to love again.”

Now it was your turn to laugh. Would that be so bad?

Gasping for breath, eventually, both of your laughs die down, leaving you both breathing heavily. “C’mon Percy, let’s get some sleep. Its going to be a long week of scouting for demigods if we’re tired.”

As Percy nods, silently getting up to go to the bathroom to change, but he can’t help but think to himself that he wouldn’t mind if he was stuck in the middle of nowhere with you. No matter how long.

It had been three days since you and Percy arrived in the town you continuously fail to remember the name of. It wasn’t the only thing you were failing at doing either, because it seemed that for some unknown reason, the school that was supposed to arrive here for their camping trip still hadn’t shown up.

“We should send an Iris message to camp. It doesn’t look like they’re showing up any time soon, and by the looks of things, we’re going to need to have them send someone for more supplies.”

Percy sighed, looking out the window. Was this the opportunity he was looking for? Maybe… he knew he’d be a stupid fool to pass it up. Swept up in his new thoughts, he never replied. “Percy?”

Without even looking at you, he nodded, turning to go to the bathroom, “Yeah sure, I’ll go into the bathroom and make the call.”

Humming in acknowledgement as he left the room, you couldn’t help but stare at the spot he was previously standing in from your position on the edge of the bed. He doesn’t look too good.

For such a great hero, you wondered if this quest was doing him any good. After the first day of scouting the campsite, it was obvious he was already antsy to get home. It seemed no matter how light you tried to keep the atmosphere; it was like something was weighing on his mind. Mostly when you were both in the motel room together, you supposed it was because he barely went on quests nowadays. Understandably so, after all, who could blame him for wanting a break and spend time with his family? This made you feel immensely guilty since you could never give him words of truly understanding what he’s gone through. You’d arrived at camp a few days before him, yet over the years you were never sent onto a major quest. It upset you greatly at first, but you grew to appreciate your time at camp.

Before your mind could delve further into its guilt and self-pity, Percy re-entered the room, sitting next to you with a huff. “It’s all good. They’re going to send Leo with some extra supplies, and he’ll help us for the rest of this quest.”

Accidentally getting swept up in how pretty his eyes were, you tensed up, realising he was staring at you expectantly. Quickly nodding and clearing your throat you looked down to your lap, “ahh, okay that sounds good. I guess we’ll have time to sightsee or something…”

Sightsee? Really y/n? There’s nothing in this stupid town!

An awkward silence filled the room. Due to your previous thoughts, you were unsure how to proceed. This was the first time you were alone with him and had nothing else better to do.

Percy on the other hand, found that the obvious swooning look in your eyes was his green light. “Uhhh actually y/n?”

Oh, please don’t ask me why I basically just drooled all over you for NO FUCKING REASON. Snapping your head back up to look at him, you desperately tried to ignore the pounding in your chest that managed to find its way into your ears, “yeah?”

“There’s something I want to ask you.”

Holy shit he knows, doesn’t he? He knows I’ve liked him this entire time, and he’s going to reject me even though I never even said anything!

“I uhm… look I know we’re kind of on a small quest and all but technically we ARE waiting for Leo and the school to arrive before we continue… and you know we kind of have like at least a day or two until then so I was just wondering…”

“Yeah, Percy? You can just say it, you know; I really don’t mind.” I do mind, but please get this over with before I cry. With your heart rate increasing at an alarming rate and face heating up so much, you wanted Zeus to blast you right then and there.

Percy felt like he was about to puke, he’d never felt this nervous before. Yeah, he had his moments growing up with Annabeth, after all, she was his first girlfriend, but this was different. He wanted this to be different. Sure, he never regretted their relationship, and yes, he knew he’d always remember everything they went through- what he went through but… he wanted a clean slate. He desperately just wanted nothing more than to know that there was at least one person in his life that wasn’t constantly fighting for their lives—someone who didn’t have to live with as much trauma as him.

“W- would you maybe... Gods, do you want to have dinner tomorrow night? Maybe at the diner further into the town?”

HOLY FUCK.

He was interested and honestly, you were over the moon. Breathing out the breath you were holding in, you fail to hide the smile on your face, “yeah, I’d like that.”

His face instantly broke out into a wide smile matching yours. “Wait really?”

Unable to hold back a small giggle, you nodded, “yeah, Percy.”

Staring at yourself in the mirror, you admire the blue dress you found in a charity shop this morning while Percy was sleeping. I can’t believe this is happening.

If you had old even more awkward 15-year-old y/n that you were about to go on a date with the boy you admired from your table during meals (when he was there), you would’ve laughed. Mainly because at that point, he didn’t even know you existed, only having your first conversation during the battle of Manhattan when you were helping Will.

Okay… lets do this.

Walking out of the bathroom, Percy is already sitting on the bed in his usual t-shirt, jeans and converse waiting for you.

“Woah… You look uh-” Never finishing his statement, worry bubbled in your chest.

“Oh, uhm… I- I can change if you’d like?

Jumping up from his place on the bed, his head shook quickly. “NO! N-no don’t do that.”

“Ah uhm… okay? Sorry, it’s just I saw it in a store earlier and uhm… it looked nice, and I just thought that maybe it’d be cool to maybe put in a bit more effort? I mean… not that you don’t look good or anything! I love what you wear, you always look nice! but I don’t know… I don’t get to look nice much and… I just wanted it to be kinda special since we don’t get to… well our lives don’t really grant us these opportunities very often. Or at least for me anyway…”

“Hey, no, it’s okay! I totally get it… you look beautiful.” After hearing your small confession and thought to prepare for your date, his heart felt like it was melting. How could someone be so thoughtful when all he was doing was taking you to a rundown diner who probably only served mediocre burgers?

A small wave of guilt washed through him. Feeling like he would never be able to truly sweep you off your feet or give you that sweet, tooth-rotting love and affection, every day, just like you deserved. After everything, he knew he could try his best but even then, he’d never be able to hide the anxiety or PTSD he had acquired over the years.

You looked up to him with a smirk. “Glad to hear it, lover.”

Cheeks heating up at your comment, he laughed trying to play it off as cool as possible. Taking a step closer to you and flattening his shirt as if it would wipe away its wrinkles, he held out his arm. “Shall we, lover?”

Matching his level of fake sophistication, you linked your arm with his, “with pleasure.”

And with that, you both walked out of the motel, with hopeful spirits. To any onlooker, you both looked like normal young adults.

“Where the fuck are you?!” Percy’s voice boomed from his end of the phone, supposedly made without any monster risks.

You winced, slowly and cautiously walking your way out of the forest. The once clean dress was now covered in dirt and had few tears. It went perfectly with your dishevelled, twig and leaf infested hair.

“Space doesn’t really exist, so I’m nowhere. Life is built on social constructs and, since there’s no way to know if we’re really alive or if it’s just an illusion, I can’t be anywhere.”

“Y/n.”

Okay, he was concerned, and you couldn’t blame him. After all, how did you expect him to react after getting separated from you as you were chased into the woods by an Empousai after dinner?

Romance at its finest.

“Yeah, sorry, I got caught up, but I’ll be there soon.”

Ending the call, you couldn’t help but feel guilty as you replayed the events that just occurred in your head. The date was amazing. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but it was still sweet. Which led you both to go on one of those cliché night walks. That was nice too, until two Empousai came out of the forest and decided to attack you both.

Percy being…. Well Percy, he swiftly got out riptide and didn’t hesitate to defend the two of you. You, on the other hand, were completely caught off guard only just noticing as one of them turned their focus on you while Percy was distracted.

And what did you do like the perfectly trained demigod you were?

You ran like a headless chicken into the forest.

After a few minutes of running, they tackled you into the ground. Trying and failing failed to shove them off, you suddenly remembered the dagger you strapped to your thigh under your dress and stabbed them.

Clearly not your proudest moments.

Finally making it back to the room, you unlocked the door and let out a huff of relief. “Well… that date didn’t go as expected.”

Percy, took in your current state staring at you with wide eyes… but he didn’t say anything. Is he angry at me? Fuck now he’s going to call off whatever this is, all because I’m an incompetent idiot! I knew I should have tried harder in the sparring activities at camp.

Feeling highly intimidated under his intense stare, you began to play with the hem of your dress, voice going quiet. “Look I uh- I know it probably wasn’t the date you were hoping for but I uhm-“

Before you could even finish your poor excuses, your words are soon lost entirely. Percy stalked towards you with a determined look on his face. Reaching you, he firmly placed his hands on either side of your face, smashing his lips onto yours.

You let out a small, muffled squeak of surprise as your eyebrows shot up into Olympus. Yet unlike your fighting skills, this was something you managed to adapt to at a faster pace.

Eyes fluttering closed, you fisted his shirt, pulling him closer.

Please don’t let this be a dream.

Because Gods forbid if this your one chance, you weren’t letting this moment end that easily.

Moving your lips against his, the urgency he came onto you with slowly began to dissipate, feeling his soft, but slightly chapped lips move against yours. Deepening the kiss, you let go of his shirt, gliding your hands up his tense torso and along his strong arms, eventually placing your hands on his wrists that were on either side of your face. Applying a small amount of pressure to the inside of his wrists with your thumbs, his mind began to drift into a calming haze as you softly stroked them. It was almost as if you were able to brush away the worry that bubbled in him when he got back to the room, only to find you weren’t there. Yet here you were… safe.

It was intoxicating and calming having him so close to you, his entire being overcoming your senses to a point where you fought the urge to let out a small whimper when he pulled away.

Resting his forehead against yours, chest rising and falling heavily flushed against you; he continued to hold you in his warm embrace. “I wouldn’t have had it any other way.” He whispers, breath fanning against your face.

Because as much as Percy was afraid he’d let you down, he knew no matter what you were worth every single risk.

“…but I’m going to have to teach you a few things when we get back to camp. We can’t have my lover running away in battle all the time, how will I know if you sneeze?”

Letting out a snort, you playfully hit his chest. “Anything for you, lover.”

A soft smile graces his face as he looks at you adoringly as the word takes on a whole new meaning… because you were right. He’d do anything.

A/N: whelp! i hope you all liked it :)) its not perfect but oh well?

also i dont have a percy jackson taglist but i gotta tag the holy grail of fic writers for this fandon eep @cabinofimagines 🙈 🙈

Divider credit: @biskit-rising

#percy jackson #percy jackson x you #percy jackson x reader #percy jackson x y/n #pjo #pjo fandom #percy jackson imagine #percy jackson fic #percy jackson x fem!reader #annabeth #annabeth chase #leo valdez #heros of olympus #hoo #nina's 1k event #pjo x reader #hoo x reader #percy jackson fluff #percy jackson angst

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justasparkwritings · 3 years

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Codename Cupid: Chapter 25 (Final)

Previous: OT8

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x OFC

Genre: Secret AgentAU, Government AgentAU, Angst, Some Fluff

Rating: PG15

Word Count: 1.3K

Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of Rape (as in, when I brought it up, she got mad)

Summary: Our Lovely P.I. reminisces on the end of her mission, and the fate of the Lee’s.

To Have Loved and Lost

Present Day

I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t watch the trial of Lee Enterprises, the plea deals through sentencing.

I’m not going to lie and tell you I wasn’t at the courthouse, listening to testimony, jotting down notes to add to my files.

I’m not going to say that I haven’t spoken to Lee Euna since her family and the majority of their coworkers were sentenced, escorted off to prisons where they were certainly going to be targets. You don’t embezzle, trade and engage in fraudulent activity without being a target to the very people you stole from. Though their clientele skews towards the upper echelon of society, the everyday person knows that anyone who deals with the upper 0.01% is scum.

But I did watch.

And I have spoken to Euna, regularly actually.

She’s been kind to me, connected me with a few other higher up clients that have utilized my services for more than cheating husbands. It’s been really nice to have steady work from clients who pay bank. It’s also been nice to speak to Euna in a non-worker-employer environment. Euna doesn’t have many friends, at all, Genevieve Yang turned out to be a plant from OT7, and anyone she had worked with or gone to happy hour with was either in jail, on probation, or on house arrest.

Together, the entire board, Mr. Lee and Dae-Seong were sentenced to 50 years in prison, each. They were ordered to pay nearly 2 billion in restitution, fines across the globe totaling 100 million, and should they be let out early, probation for the entirety of their lives.

Jun-Seo and Kwan-Min, though accomplices in their father’s bidding, faired far better due to testimony and expert opinions on their mental states. Dae-Seong had been subjected to the same scrutiny, but being the sociopath that he is, did not fair too well under the gaze of multiple experts. Kwan and Seo were sentenced to 10 years, a fine of 50 million each, and upon turning into witnesses, 5 years’ probation and a combined 75 million in restitution.

Rest assured, the three free Lee’s still sit on an Everest size amount of money. They won’t be singing for their suppers or scraping by paycheck to paycheck.

Euna had been caught unawares, scared out of her mind when the raid had begun, video cameras and film crews stalking the office as various federal agents descended upon her office. She watched, horrified, as everyone was hauled off. She called me immediately, asking what I knew, and as the only person she knew not arrested, I was tasked with running to her side.

I did stay with her.

I was in the court room for her.

I was with her during witness prep, when she cried over the lies her parents had told her, when the lawyer told her what her finances and career would be like.

She was heartbroken, bewildered that her entire life had been a lie. They all knew, they were all taking part in it, and they had prepped Euna to be the lone wolf, the soul proprietor of the family name and their legacy.

Let’s be clear, I felt deeply uncomfortable the first few weeks, but what was I supposed to do? I too had been a pawn, but, but, she had no one. Literally, no one except for her lawyers and me, the P.I. she paid to find the men who ruined her life and subsequently aided in her demise. She doesn’t know that though, that I was part of it. Euna does know that Jungkook is friends with Taehyung, and I did abandon the friendship on the truth that she raped Tae. She argued at first, that our friendship was stronger than that… but the irrefutable knowledge of her sexual abuse was too much, it was the nail in the coffin of our friendship, as it should’ve been all along.

In a shocking turn of events, Yoongi is my best friend. I’m obsessed with him, truthly and deeply in love. He is easily the most pragmatic, off putting, cuddly monster I have ever come in contact with. I spend whatever time I’m not with Jungkook and the rest of OT7, with Yoongi. It helps that Jungkook idolizes him, not as much as Namjoon or Seokjin, but pretty close. I just, I hate that I love his friends so much, and that I’m so jealous of his connection with them. They believe in one another, are rarely tired of each other even after a decades long mission. OT7 is, as cliché and disgusting as it is, a family. Jungkook was right, he can’t breathe or move without any one of them knowing.

Also? They’re ridiculously funny, thoughtful and compassionate. I truly hate them, and so desperately want to be a part of their club. If this is true friendship, well, maybe I would’ve held on to some of my acquaintances longer.

The other bit of news, I guess, is that I retired the old P.I. hat. I’m getting too old for this shit, and also, Euna had begun sending shitty threatening letters and packages to my office. While I was devastated to abandon my corner office, my safety took precedence and Jungkook nearly lost his shit when he saw the “gifts”. Amongst this outrage over my safety, I have fully been onboarded with OT7, well, adjacent. The company that oversees them, Big Hit, a horrible name, has put me to work. I don’t work with Jungkook, but am in constant communication with Namjoon, Yoongi and Hoseok. Thankfully, I don’t have to work with Seokjin, finances aren’t really a part of my gig. Jimin and Taehyung have come in handy, and I might be obsessed with Taehyung, too. I was right, tailing him was terribly terrific, and being in his orbit is equally as thrilling.

My first case with Big Hit was working a heist job, replicated documents, tracking who had been in and out of the museum, matching facial recognition across Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and federal databases as well as creating a comprehensive program to track comparisons.

I couldn’t tell you what my sister does, but when I described a few aspects of my new job, she said “Seems familiar.” C remains, as ever, a mystery.

Jungkook and I have been in therapy for a while. It’s amazing what you can unlock when you pay a professional to help you heal yourself. I’m, obsessed with therapy? Not even a question, I love therapy. I went regularly as an adolescent but stopped when I was about 22. I go separately, and every other week, Jungkook and I go together. He goes on his own, something everyone in OT7 encouraged. We live together, blissfully, and moved to a bigger apartment where we promptly got a dog named Gureum, a name Jungkook picked out.

I love him, so much more than I did when we started dating. So much more than when he told me he loves me, or when we moved in together, or when I met his family or when Namjoon told me that all Jungkook wants is a life with me. Which, one, was none of his business, and two, didn’t freak me out as much as I thought it would. Probably the therapy, or the acceptance that a life with him is all I want, too.

When Lee Euna came into my office, all Versace and dripping, oozing, pooling wealth, I didn’t know this is where my life would lead me. I didn’t know I would end up working for a major organization, steeped in secrecy, that I would find the love of my life, or friends that make every moment a little bit brighter. I didn’t know that sitting in that little office, sun streaking through stained glass, bourbon cheesecake waiting in my mini fridge, that the click-clack of Louboutin’s would alter the trajectory of my life forever.

But that’s the thing with secret missions, or shady surveillance under the cover of night and letters placed on your car seat, you never know what you’re going to find. Now, nearly three years later, all I have left to say to Codename Cupid is this:

Mission Accomplished.

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years

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Survey #278

“they will seduce you, get through the door; then they bite you in the neck, leave you bleeding on the floor.”

Do you believe in dream symbolism? If so, do you ever look up what certain things in your dreams may mean? Some, yes, others, no. A lot just seem way too random to have stories behind them, but just as well, some dreams are obviously stemmed from our experiences, fears, desires, etc. Who was the last person who exploded on you? What was the reason? I have no idea, but probably Mom. Is there a certain name that keeps popping up in your life, like a name that many people you know have? No. What is something you have a "love/hate relationship" with? What do you hate about it, and what do you love about it? The first thing that comes to mind is technology. I grew up way too dependent on in despite my mom being a good mother that really tried to limit my time of it. It just never worked. Almost everything I do involves a computer. Through the Internet though, I’ve made spectacular friends, discovered great things (coughcoughmark), it helps me through depression and stuff… but I nevertheless hate how attached I am to it. Sometimes I feel like I’m so disconnected from the “real” world, “real” experiences, but then again, I also believe tech is a part of the “real” world. Idk how to really explain it; I have such mixed feelings. Do you like things that are cliché or not? What kinds of things that are regarded as "cliché" do you like? Sure, especially romantic cliches. I’m just such a sucker for that kind of stuff. What was the last quote you read somewhere, and who said it? “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes,” Ruth Ginsburg. We truly lost a hero. Have you heard any song mash-ups (when they put two or more different songs together) that you like? If so, which? Oh, quite a lot, I love those! The first one that comes to mind is “Centuries” by Fall Out Boy and “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had in 2014? Well, this is old. But anyway, I had one. How often do you say ‘lol’ in a computer or text conversation? Quite a bit. Idk, it just changes the tone of what you’re speaking. Whose hoodie did you wear last? My own. Have you ever listened to music you hated just to fit in? Ha ha… not devoutly, but I’d explore “cool” metal bands to try to get into. I didn’t make myself listen to them if I didn’t like ‘em, though. What’s an interesting fact about you that not many people know? Hm. Well, I don’t consider it “interesting,” but very few people (besides the Internet lmao) know that I essentially stole my then-best friend’s boyfriend by mutual flirting to the point he broke up with her and wanted me instead. I cut that shit the fuck out once he told me he loved me. It’s one of the things I’m most ashamed of. What do you want to do after high school? I’m long past high school, and let’s just say things are NOT going as planned lmao. At all. I had such, such a different vision. Do you do anything embarrassing when no one is home? No. If you had the chance to move to a completely different state/country, would you? I deadass want to move to Canada but am unwilling to move so far from my family. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? I don’t know age; it’s funny, I tend to remember things by school grades versus my age. Even in this situation, though, I’m not positive. Towards the end of elementary school, maybe? Do you have any saved texts? Yes, from Sara and Ashley. Do you ever play online games with your friends? Which one(s)? Once upon a time, my friend/”big brother” Sam and I would play WoW together every day and just chill out over Skype. He helped keep me company during my worst depression. We haven’t played together in quite a long time, though. I should message him. Which emoji did you use most recently? The upside-down smiley face on Facebook. Who was the last person to cry in your presence? Mom, probably. Or one of my nieces or nephew. Do any of your friends have small children? Yes. One of my closest friends had her son not even two weeks ago. Do you ever wear accessories in your hair? Which ones? No. What kind of fruit do you like? A good chunk of it. Strawberries, apples, grapes, pineapple, bananas, peaches… Is there anything you've always wanted to do that you've never told anyone? *shrugs* Maybe. Do you flush the toilet with your hand or your foot? ”I use my hand at home and in other people’s bathrooms, but I use my foot in public washrooms.” <<<< Same. What is your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? (Ex: ENTP): INFP. Do you read any blogs? If so, which ones? No. Would you rather have curvy legs or skinny legs? I’d prefer to have an in-between. What is your favorite game show? Family Feud with Steve Harvey. How many times a day do you use the restroom? Hm. Depends on how much I drink. What was the last thing that made you cringe? Idr. What is your favorite ‘80s movie? I’m not sure, given how I don’t tend to recognize movies by decades. Do you have your own car? No. I don’t drive. Who was the last person who drew you a picture? I commissioned someone on deviantART to draw My Child Jaw and it is so FUCKING beautiful. Would you rather hold a scorpion or a snake? I love snakes, so guess. How do you usually get your exercise? I don’t, but that’s going to change when we FINALLY fuckin move. I’m going to walk as much as I possibly can because we have a sidewalk. Who are your godparents? Idk if I even have any. Are any of your siblings married? Three are and one is engaged. What does your phone case look like, if you have one? It came with a plain purple one. What is something you can draw really well? I think I’m pretty good at meerkats. Best field trip experience? The zoo in the 5th grade. One and only time I’ve seen meerkats irl. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? Idr. It’s very rare I can pay for anything because I don’t have an income, but with gifted money and stuff, it was probably when I paid for my mom and I to eat at Olive Garden. I don’t recall how much it was, but OG isn’t cheap, so. Who was (or is) the teacher that gave you the hardest time in school? Idk. I had good teachers. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen outside of your house? I don’t know. Nothing exciting. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? Not really, no. There are cases where I do, like if I take too big a bite or something, but generally I don’t. Everyone has to eat. What is the worst thunderstorm you’ve experienced? I recall one in particular during my era of being terrified of them when we were on the way home from a friend’s house and there was INSANE lightning. I was crying so much in the back seat. I think I have experienced worse ones, that’s just the one I remember because of how much it terrified me. How quickly can you write an essay? Pretty damn quickly once I get into the groove of it. Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? No. What bug frightens you most? Oh yikes, idk. A lot of bugs scare me, honestly, particularly if they surprise me. Probably rhinoceros beetles. Are your parents supportive of you? Very. Have you ever participated in a mock trial, or a real trial? No. Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? lol oops Have you ever had sex on your bedroom floor? How about your living room floor? YIKES this survey getting frisky but anyway idk. When you kiss someone, do you like to play with their hair? Yeah. Do you regret sleeping with anyone? No. Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? No…? Your hair is just gonna get messy while sleeping. Have you ever asked anyone out? Do you prefer to do the asking out, or wait to see if the other person will ask? Yes. I don’t really have a preference. Have your parents ever disapproved of anyone you had a relationship with? Not to my knowledge. When’s the last time you ran? HUNNY Brittany doesn’t RUN. Have you ever stayed online for a long time waiting for someone? Oh yes, I did that A LOT with Mini back when we were younger and RPed together like every day. Who or what sleeps with you? Roman, my cat. Would you wear a boy/girlfriend’s clothes? I somehow wound up with quite a few of Jason’s pj pants?????? But anyway yeah sure, I would. If it fit, anyway. Do you return your cart? I am a lazy person. But not that lazy. Do it. What noise do you hear? I’m currently listening to NateWantsToBattle’s cover of “Feel Good Inc.” Would you survive in prison? No. No. I know I’d try to commit suicide. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? The IT remake with Girt. Have you ever cheated on someone? No sir. Do you kiss on the first date? I never have, but not saying I wouldn’t. BUT I most likely would not just because I reserve kisses for someone I really, really like. Usually by the first date I wouldn’t know that yet. Are you into sports? Nope. Have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket? HAHA I don’t think so. Who knows a secret about you that no one else does? My ex-therapist. What is your longest relationship to date? 3 ½ years. Who ended the last relationship you were in? It was brought up by her, but it came to be a mutual decision. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Who was your first prom date? Jason. Have you ever dated someone more than three years older than you? For less than a day. Have you ever been used? I don’t think so. Do you like when I guy takes you by surprise and kisses you? This is making quite a few assumptions, but anyway, if we’re in a stable relationship, generally yes. It’s cute. Would you be more likely to date a redneck or a goth? My dream partner would be a goth, hnnnnnnnnGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Has anyone ever sung to you? Yes. Do you like massages? EW don’t touch me like that unless you’re my s/o. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. When was the last time you spent the night at someone else's house? The last time I was at Sara’s. What scares you more, spiders or snakes? Spiders. Does it matter if a guy has a sense of humor? If he’s a romantic interest, yeah. Would you ever get implants? No. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling's friend? No. Have you ever dated someone with a child? No. I’m quite sure I wouldn’t. Have you ever dated someone of another race? For less than a day. Have you kissed anyone today? No. What was the last topic you read about? I beliiieeeve… Metallica’s new album. Have you ever participated in a fundraising campaign? I think? Again, I don’t have an income though so I’m unsure. Do you know how to knit? No. What’s your go-to order from KFC? I don’t go there. What was the last album you listened to in full? Oh man, there’s no telling. I generally don’t do that. Do you use pepper to season your food? Sure, that’s a common enhancement. Do you know anyone who has an unusual pet? Probably somebody. Have you ever known anyone who was homeless? My mother, Nicole, and I technically were at one point, we just had spectacular people let us live with them until we got a new place. Did you have a treehouse when you were younger? No. One does not simply build a treehouse in pine trees. Have you ever played Magic: The Gathering? Guys. Guys. For many many months now I’ve been dying to and idk why. That game was one of Jason’s favorite things in the world and so he taught me it how to play, though I never fully got it because there are a LOT of rules. When I had my PS3, I had one of the Duels of the Planeswalkers games, and I miss that shit. What are your thoughts on role playing games? Fun fun. What is a band you can't stop listening to right now? I’ve been seriously into 3TEETH lately, as well as Solence. Have you ever had a panic attack? LOTS!!!!!!!! Have you ever entered a talent competition? Naw, I don’t have an exceptional talent. Are you indecisive? Ridiculously so. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? It’s actually one of my brightest smiles I’ve ever taken a selfie with. I look way happier than I am lmaooo. Describe your hometown. What's it like there? Small, notoriously dangerous. Do you have any expensive hobbies? You could say photography given the various lenses and other materials available, plus editing software subscriptions. What is the oldest online account that you still use? My email, probably. What was the last video game you beat? I wanna say it was the last time I replayed Silent Hill 2. Long time ago. What's your favorite Studio Ghibli film? I actually haven’t seen any. Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Yeah, sure, like various entertainers/bands/musicians, TV shows…

#survey #surveys #quiz #questions #questionnaire

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airisuwatoson · 6 years

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my friends got me on a dgs2 high recently, and it got me thinking a lot about Iris Watson

(major, MAJOR dgs2 spoilers, right up to endgame)

*******

iris’s relation to her real parents wasn’t really a “big deal” in the grand scheme of things, and i’m okay with that.

despite this tumblr’s URL being her, i struggled with iris’s place in the narrative for a long time. while i adore iris a whole lot, and her familial bond with sherlock makes me cry for a million years, her place in the narrative was a complicated subject for me. her relationship with klimt felt a bit like an afterthought, answered at the end of the story. i didn’t know if it was “wasted potential” or not.

but, recently, as i went home one day after discussing the game and its writing with my friends, i finally have an answer. and yeah, i’m sure there’s people who won’t agree with me, but iris’s story is fine. heck, i love it, now that i’m given time to think.

- to me, iris’s involvement in the story is more character-driven; rather than providing us The Clue to solve the conspiracy, we would instead watch her develop as the story goes on and we jump headfirst into the swirling darkness of the conspiracy.

in the first game, we spent the first case solving her presumed father’s murder. when ryuu and susato go to london, they meet iris, who claims to be john watson’s daughter. we get an “Oh, Shit” moment as we now struggle to consider whether we should tell her about her father’s demise. during her conversation at the attic with gina, ryuu and susato, she expresses that she misses her father, even when gina expresses her grievances regarding parents.

in the second game, we get in depth about the mystery, and how iris feels about her missing father. we learn how desperate she was to find out who her father is, even going so far as to have stolen government documents just to learn her father’s name. she is crushed to learn that not only is john watson just a nobody to her, the man who wrote the manuscript for sherlock’s cases wasn’t her father either.

it’s important that we got the scene in the middle of chapter 5 where iris feels a bit sad that she wasn’t yuujin’s daughter (as that would’ve made her susato’s sister), showing how she is still yearning for that biological connection. after susato and ryuu tell her that they’re perfectly fine in being her siblings despite having no blood relation, that’s when she starts to change her mind.

plus, with this exchange, we get an astonishingly heartwarming scene about the baker street family’s bond, even though only two of them are tied by blood. (”ryuu: i’ve got the strongest family backing me, after all” “me: my eyes are sweating”)

and in the end, we see that iris, who has certainly watched how the trial went down while having tea with Queen Victoria (lol), finally decided to stop trying to look for her biological father. she stops yearning for someone who most likely isn’t coming for her, someone who may not be the good father she may have imagined him to be... because she has sherlock, an amazing father who has been by her side this whole time, even if he may be eccentric and flawed.

- (insert me crying for years)

- when iris has her talk about seeing sherlock as her father, she says how she’s caused so much trouble for everyone during her quest to find her father. and it’s true - in the first game, gina goes to the pawn shop to look for the manuscript and gets arrested for murder, while sherlock gets shot; and in the second game, she stole the document about klimt’s autopsy report, which is just?? a bad thing to do??? daughter no

speaking of that, i really appreciate that moment because it’s iris acting out of a strong desire to connect with her father. i’m so glad that it’s plot relevant that susato and ryuu gain access to the document (which also reveals who sherlock’s partner really is), and also a character moment of a sad little girl who’s desperate enough to commit a crime. it kind of reminds me of pearl fey in 3-5, when she does That Bad Thing for a “good” reason? yeah

- i also think that iris serves as another person linked to the overarching theme of “Family” in the dgs series.

we have asougi & genshin, susato & yuujin, barok & klimt. except for ryuu, who is the lens we see this story through, the core cast has a family member, and we seen how... troubling these relationships are.

genshin and klimt’s deaths, as well as their actions before those deaths, have haunted asougi and barok for many years. we also know that susato and yuujin has a rocky relationship, due to how he straight up left the family after susato’s mother passed away. genshin, klimt and mikotoba aren’t 100% good people - and klimt is a heck of an understatement - and it’s caused varying degrees of emotional harm to the younger ones.

i suppose the only one who doesn’t have that is sherlock. he is, instead, linked to iris as her adoptive father. and it makes for a powerful scene when iris, one of the people haunted by the idea of “biological family”, calls him her “papa”. he is genuinely touched by that, considering her gratitude to be the most moving of all, compared to the many thanks he received from people he met in the past.

also sherlock is dadlock and i love the baker street family so much

on a lesser note is gina & gregson. in the first game, gina comes from a lonely past, jaded by how her parents abandoned her. in the second, she goes under the wing of gregson, who is yet another person who has committed numerous atrocities, but is well-meaning in general. in a way, gregson is an unstated father figure for her, and even if he may be bad, he still contributes to her growth. basically gina & gregson also make me cry a lot

to conclude this point, the “found family” narrative is one we see time after time in many stories, but the way DGS expresses this is wonderful.

- another thing is that, the reveal that klimt was iris’s father, felt less like a reveal, and more like the answer to “why hasn’t sherlock and yuujin told iris about her father, despite knowing who he is?”. for me, when i got to the reveal, my reaction was “ahhh, so that’s why they didn’t want iris to know!”

it’s also precious characterization for Klimt van Zieks, the man who committed crime after crime because he felt despair towards the darkness of london’s evils. klimt refused to tell barok about his unborn child, instead trusting this secret to genshin and asking him to help his family. klimt didn’t want iris to be raised in the van zieks household, and then known forever as the professor’s daughter, in case the true identity of the professor is revealed.

it shows that he may have strayed from the path of justice, it also shows that he still loves his family despite everything. after all, vortex managed to blackmail klimt by threatening to harm his wife.

if the dgs games were localized, i have a feeling we’d get so much discourse about klimt, lmao. but to me, it’s nuanced character writing. and if you know me, you know how much i love my flawed characters. klimt is a murderer, and don’t get me wrong, let’s not excuse his crimes, but he feels very human. and this is something we can explore in fiction. klimt van zieks is a tragedy, a good man who faced evil with justice and became the villain in the end.

- in a way, it’s also characterization for sherlock and yuujin, the latter to a lesser degree. they didn’t want iris to find out who her father is at her young age, because they were worried that they’d find out about the atrocities her father committed in the past.

they never intended to let iris know the name of her father, either - it’s only through her discovery that she found the document signed by john watson. at that point, sherlock had to go along with the lie, because to him, that’s better than telling the truth about her murderer of a father, and let her shoulder that truth for the rest of her childhood. he cares about iris, as cruel as his actions may be.

of course, lying to a little girl and letting her believe that her father is a complete stranger isn’t GOOD. but like i said, it feels nuanced, that our good lovable cast is very much imperfect. imo sherlock holmes is Good when you show how hecked up he is as a human being alongside how good he is as the famous detective

- “but john watson WAS involved in the professor case!” the imaginary person in my head says. “iris could still be his daughter, and it could still keep the idea that iris’s parentage would be problematic to the public.”

this is coming from a place of hindsight and being able to see the big picture as a player, but, like. between one of the few people centrally involved in concealing the truth of the the professor’s crimes... and THE guy, the person who committed said heinous crimes? the man who, in this particular narrative, is much more important to learn more about? i’d give the characterization to klimt every day of the week, no question.

and maybe it’s because i don’t have as much of an emotional connection to the sherlock holmes canon, but i don’t really mind that the man named John H. Watson wasn’t as important in the narrative as takumi’s original characters. just because takumi wanted to write sherlock holmes fanfiction, doesn’t mean he has to completely rely on the characters and conventions of sherlock’s stories, i feel?

i mean, we have Mikotoba Yuujin. just because the guy named john watson isn’t the man we know and love in THIS story, doesn’t mean our “sherlock” and our “watson” isn’t still there. i’m okay with takumi and the writing team twisting sherlock canon to fit their narrative. and besides, i’m going to be vague because spoilers, but it’s not as if certain TV shows adapting sherlock holmes haven’t changed the characters to fit their own narratives.

*******

it’s funny to say this, but after writing all that, i feel like i have much more of an appreciation for iris watson’s story, and dgs’s narrative in general. it’s such a good game, and i’m so glad i got to experience this story myself.

#dgs azumisc #i just checked the word count and it's got 1.7k words....... amazing #i even got the '17' number like the idol trash that i am! incredible. astounding. i am unsurprised by my shamelessness #but yeah. i have a lot of feelings about iris watson

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lidoshka · 5 years

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Voltron Season 8 review!

Okay! Finally had the chance to watch season 8?

Not yet? Too bad, because the spoiler free week in this blog is officially over!

Before I start, If you would rather now hear about season 8 you can filter the tags #I will only grant you one spoiler free week #And that grace period is over #we been knew #I can't believe I was blindsided by this #so the leaks were actually a trial test?!

Also, I will try to stay positive and post good things about Voltron during the week, but if you want some salt you can catch all the vitriol about S8 on Sunday (with the tag #salty Sunday)

So onwards to my review! (And boy, I knew I should have worn a different kind of socks on the 14th!)

Overall, I’d say it was a good season…but it wasn’t the best. There were a bunch of small moments that made me really happy, and there were some cool aspects with the animation that I totally loved.

…but there were some things in the second half of the season that totally ruined it for me.

But let’s be positive and point out all the things that I liked for this season!

What I loved about this season:

• The animation was amazing! Both the 3d animation and the way the characters were drawn! Plus a bunch of interesting camera angles! If you compare season 1 art with the way everyone is drawn now you can see the improvement and it’s amazing. • Episode 4 killed me instantly. To me it was perfect. It was sad but also uplifting, and I wanted to cry as much as that Olkarion child with Ryner’s last words and yet appreciated the meaning in them. Yes, I was very sad to see Olkarion gone, but most of its people will live on. We also got to see the Weblum again, which I liked because it was an appropriate metaphor. :) • Allura and Lance had a date! That was great, they both deserve all the good moments possible • Also, the MFE girls and the Paladin girls shopping is supper funny. • We get to see a lot of people from the Voltron coalition not just Olia’s crew, and it’s wonderful to see the MFE’s, the Rebels, the ATLAS and Voltron all working together! • Cosmo is a nice puppy… and I knew he was going to continue growing! X3 • All Pidge and Colleen’s interactions. All of the Holts interactions actually! I really love how Pidge has her dad wrapped around her pinky, but Colleen is not a pushover and demands a family photo in exchange of the tokens • And I loved that Matt’s (girlfriend? Partner? They sound female, but then again they are an alien so…) are in the photo too!! • I also liked Shiro entering that tournament, we know he has a competitive streak, but we don’t get to see it very often, and this was a good opportunity! • The vlog episode was gold! Not only do we get to see more about the MFE pilots, but we also see the paladins around and a bit of the daily life in the IGF Atlas, plus, it could have just been a silly filler but instead it still managed to move the story forwards. A+ • Shiro using a gun looks really cool and it makes me wonder if his Bayard would have actually turned into some form of firearm. • Lotor is back! Not in the way I hoped but I got to see a tiny Lotor, and I also saw a younger Lotor still full of hope and desire to please his father *sighs* he really deserved so much better… • Lotor literally stole Kova. :P • Honerva’s mecha? Her fusion with Sincline? Voltron/Atlas fusion? They are all amazing designs! • I liked the last scene with the lions saying their goodbyes to the paladins. It was bittersweet because it’s the end of an era but at the same time it’s a sign of hope. It’s like now that there’s peace (or at least the possibility of peace being achieved without the need of a WMD) the lions can retire. Maybe the lions are leaving to look for their new paladins, or maybe hide away again until Voltron is needed once more. That along with the image of the vehicles inside the Garrison hangar was a good nod towards Voltron Vehicle and maybe a future Voltron Force show. Ah yeah, good things.

But now what I really didn’t like:

After careful consideration and watching the season one more time I can say I’m only upset about 4 things: 1. Allura’s sacrifice 2. Episode 5 3. Honerva’s plan and her redemption 4. And the stills of the epilogue

Funny enough the four are connected together in one single sentence: bad writing decisions.

Now, me being critical of the show doesn't mean I don't like it anymore now that I wont enjoy watching it. There are a bunch of shows that have errors and flaws by the dozen, but I still enjoy them but I need to get this out of my chest

Alluras’s sacrifie: Why? Out of all the possible directions they could have taken their story, why this? Why kill one of their female protagonists?!

“but she has made similar sacrifices in other versions” yes, and she was Caucasian and had a romantic plot with the leader of Voltron too and VLD chose to deviate from that, so I don’t see why of all the things they chose to discard from previous versions they chose to keep this.

“She now gets to spend eternity with her father and the other paladins” Do I remind you that Allura lost everything (her family, her nation, her planet, her crown) and little by little she found a new family? VLD has been selling me the idea of “found family” since season 1, why are they changing the tune now?

“Allura was already too powerful, she couldn’t remai— “ No. this isn’t marvel, there were ways to decrease her powers if that was necessary: the creature that got inside her could have damaged her body somehow and had her powers decrease; she could have sacrificed only her alchemy (like Edward Elric in fma!) and she would be a regular Altean (or a regular human if they wanted to go with the allurance ending) and spend the rest of her life rebuilding her nation. There were ways to keep her powers down and still keep Allura around.

“It’s the only way” Allura herself said before she started saying her goodbyes to the paladins… but in this season alone they showed: - A tiny balmera - A whole bunch of balmera. - Voltron+atlas fusion - The paladins using the power of friendship and concentration to enter Honerva’s inner thoughts - The paladins using the power of friendship and concentration <i>again</i> to power up Voltron+atlas so it could escape a collapsing reality - Voltron+atlas giant wings to save the last remaining reality So if they were already pulling out all the rabbits out of the hat don’t tell me the production team couldn’t come up with another alternative other than having “the girl who is magic sacrificing herself for the sake of the universe”

…and why are Altea and Daibazaal back?! Didn’t Reyner said “you mustn’t cling too tightly to the past” and “the old must gave way to the new”? ugh.

*rants for 20 minutes more about poor script decisions*

Episode 5:

It’s bad. And it doesn’t add anything important to the narrative except some gratuitous scenes of the paladins in their underarmor. And the reason why I disliked this episode is about the way the writers try to redeem Ezor and Zethrid.

Last season they sold me on the idea that “this is war and sometimes people die”. This season they wanted to end with an uplifting “everyone has a chance at redemption” vibe which actually just makes me upset.

Oh yeah, Adam –the guy whose only negative mark was that he dumped Shiro—died and no one really mentions him again or talks about what an impact he had on other characters, but Ezor –who was more than willing to torture Pidge back in season 7— she gets to survive and change her ways??

Honerva’s ploy and redemption arc:

Honerva had dreams about being a mother and a wife and spending her life with her family, but she studied the creature from the rift a bit too closely and her mind was poisoned without her even realizing it. In that sense, she’s a victim, and it’s good that in her final moments she got to be back to be the person she was before.

… but as Haggar she helped conquer and destroy thousands of worlds! She was participant in the neglect and abuse of a Lotor throughout his childhood.

“But that was Haagar! Honerva deserves a second chance!” you’d say, but remember that after Oriande she has recovered her memories and she’s not Haggar anymore what did she do? Did she tried to mend her ways and help what remained of the universe to honor her child’s life? Nope. She blamed the Galra, she used the Alteans, she destroyed Olkarion and she dammed the whole universe (and then any other universe) to get the ending she wanted.

Everyone in these universe is gone because of her. And in the end, she got her dream of being with her family.

Even Zarkon got a bit of a redemption scene! He got to go to the same place as the former paladins, with his wife and his son…These three are responsible of 70% of all the bad things that happened in this universe in the last 10,00 years and they get to spend eternity together.

I don’t’ know why suddenly the production staff though this ending was cool.

4. The Epilogue

I think the only ‘last scenes’ I liked where Pidge’s ending and Kolivan and Krolia’s ending. They were nice. But the others? *frowns*

In the “one year later” scenes Hunk is seen in the ATLAS along with Shiro; it’s implied that Hunk is some sort of diplomat who also likes to cook for his guests. In the last image it just looks like he gave up that to become the next masterchef.

Lance’s final still looks sad. He’s the perfect picture of a widower and I think this is terrible unfair for all the Lance stans who were hoping season 8 was Lance’s season. Yeah, lance likes his family and he always missed earth, but there were other things they could have done with him. He could be teaching the new generation of garrison pilots! His ending just makes the audience think he’s recovering from a broken earth.

Keith's image in his ending still looks odd, I think hey were trying to an upper shot or something but his waist looks too slim, and there are several things thet feel weird with the perspective.

...not to mention it says "humanitarian relief organization" ...the blades are all Galra? the fact they didn't bother to spend 5 minutes thinking why "humanitarian" was not a word applicable here tells me all I need to know about the care they placed in this epilogue.

Shiro’s scene is strange because Shiro looks exactly the way he looks when they say goodbye to the lions, but Pidge and Hunk and Keith look like they do in the “years later” design. Consistency is lacking.

Then there’s the thing of how Shiro “found his happiness” with and image of him getting married. What, he wasn’t happy while he was single? Seeing the stars up close, traveling the universe, flying on Black and then leading ATLAS, that didn’t make Shiro happy? Are we now equaling marriage with happiness, is that it?

I get that an gay marriage and a gay kiss on screen is something commendable (it would have bene better if we had seen Shiro and his new hubbie actually interacting tho), and we all love Shiro, but I can think of several images that could have been more satisfactory for his character: him at the helm of the ATLAS, fulfilling his dreams of traveling the stars in peace; Shiro finally getting a vacation; maybe even a description with an older Shiro saying “and Shiro lived many years happy and in peace because he was not sick anymore” all of these would have been more rewarding.

…And the only scene that was animated was Shiro’s wedding? Why? Can you imagine how could it’d have been if instead of the weeding we saw something like “the lions came back one more time to bring back Allura” I wouldn’t even be here ranting for 20 minutes so far on top of my pile of salt if they had done something like that!

And it’s not even as if it was one simple person who made the ending: VLD has a staff of writers, several directors, many producers monitoring, a whole team of animators and several consulting departments…and none of them stopped to think this might not be a good ending to their series?

In the end, I’m still left with some questions:

What is the lifespan of an average Galra? What would be the expected lifespan for Keith or Axca and Ezor and Zethrid?

Does having Altean markings means Lance is now Altean? Cause the show was not clear, is this just a physical memento so Lance has something to remind him of Allura every day or will he live a long life now?

What’s the cosmic wolf’s name? did he ever told Keith?! How much more is he going to grow?

more importantly: What was the name of Keith’s father?!

#I'm made out of salt #voltron legendary defender #I will only grant you one spoiler free week #and that grace period is over

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aishnidoh · 3 years

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1. Andrew Carnegie (goal setter)

Andrew Carnegie was an American entrepreneur who actually immigrated from Scotland. Born into the lower class, Carnegie and his family immigrated to Pennsylvania, where they lived a better lifestyle. Carnegie later founded the Carnegie Steel Company, growing it to become one of the largest companies in U.S. history.

In addition to the success of his company, Carnegie became a very successful angel investor. Using the money made through his steel company, he invested in various car companies, messenger services, and land that contained oil reserves. Upon his death in 1919, Carnegie had an estimated net worth of $350 million, which, in 2021 dollars, would be worth nearly $5.5 billion.

Interview

Creative vision is the first of three principles Carnegie raises. What exactly does creative vision mean? Carnegie breaks it down into ten fundamental attitudes, which in aggregate form the basis for creative vision.

“The organized thinker never gives up anything he undertakes until he has exhausted every effort to finish it.”

Controlled attention is the final principle. Controlled attention is in some ways an offshoot of the other two. According to Carnegie, if you orient your mind in a specific way, all your attention starts to siphon in a specific direction. “Controlled attention magnetized the brain with the nature of one’s dominating thoughts, aims, and purposes, thus causing one to be always in search of every necessary thing that is related to one’s dominating thoughts.”

“A man will always be more effective when engaged in the sort of work he likes best. That is why one’s major purpose in life should be of his own choice. People who drift through life performing work they do not like, merely because they must have an income as a means of living, seldom get more than a living from their labor. You see, this sort of labor does not inspire one to perform service in an obsessional desire to work. It is one of the tragedies of civilization that we have not found a way to give every man the sort of work he likes best to do.”

2. Henry Ford (efficient)

Unlike Andrew Carnegie, Henry Ford was a natural-born citizen who grew up in Michigan. Born into a family that originated from England and Ireland, he was well off, though not wealthy. Ford was a hard-working man and eventually completed an apprenticeship with the Detroit Dry Dock Company. In 1891, he met with Thomas Edison and told him about his concept of the automobile. Edison liked the idea and let Ford use his warehouse to develop and manufacture two prototypes.

Using the prototypes, Ford soon founded the Detroit Automobile Company. The company was short-lived, however, since the product did not meet Ford's standards. He went on to found the Cadillac Motor Car Company, which also failed, before starting the Ford Motor Company for which he is famous. His third attempt at a car company made him very successful, and the company remains a going concern with annual sales of over $155.9 billion.

Interview

Like many another he had entertained his mind with ideas of having lived before. The thing that really mattered, he said, was what experience we got from a former life and what we gathered in this to pass on to help other people for their next life. It is the sum of what we carry on from one generation to another that makes the essence of experience the thing, he said.

As we passed on to lighter themes I asked him if in a future incarnation he would leave old-fashioned things like motor-cars and concentrate on a small aeroplane with, say, a gyroscope. He replied that he did not know anything about that or what he would like in another life.

'The only thing is,' said Henry Ford, 'I should like to be sure of having the same wife.' 'That's the difference between you and me, Mr. Ford,' his interviewer ventured to say, 'I hope that my own wife will have better luck in the next world.' 'There you are, Henry,' said Mrs. Ford, who was sitting near, 'you only think of yourself, but your friend thinks of his wife.' 'It means the same thing,' said Henry Ford, delighted with the turn the talk had taken, and he put out his hand and we shook hands, and the conversation grew in warmth.

3. Ophra Winfrey (persistent)

Oprah Winfrey is a shining example of an American success story. While she did not reveal her past until 1986, Winfrey was a victim of sexual assault at the age of nine and became pregnant at the age of 14 before losing the child during childbirth.

These early trials and tribulations gave her the perspective and confidence that helped her land her first TV show in 1983. From there, Winfrey steadily grew her brand and her empire, founding Harpo Studios, a multimedia company, in 1988.The company, through ad revenue and other revenue streams, has steadily grown to over 12,500 employees.

Winfrey co-founded Oxygen Media, another media company that attracts millions of annual television viewers.Winfrey, a TV personality turned entrepreneur, has a net worth of $2.6 billion as of Jan. 13, 2021

Interview

“It’s another situation I’ve got myself in,” she laughs, “but I care about injustice and if I get the opportunity to flag it, I will, every time. I’ll stand up there.” Ironically, the charismatic icon is more grounded than ever. Oprah recognises she cannot do everything alone, as she once thought she could, and accepts that when it comes to real change, we all have a long way to go, and a lot to contribute. "It's a significant moment in time for all of us. Society will never revert to how it was. It can't and it won't"“It’s a significant moment in history for all of us,” she utters in her famously rich tones. “Society as an entity will never be the same again, and will never revert to how it was. It can’t, and it won’t.”The truth is, Oprah is already a leader who empowers and emboldens her supporters, so it’s understandable that she isn’t willing to risk it all for a spin of the Washington wheel. If the media is the natural successor to the power of politics, then Oprah, who owns her own cable channel, OWN, and is a special correspondent for current affairs show 60 Minutes, is already an unrivalled leader. Perhaps part of that is because—unlike the current US President and so many others at the top table—Oprah was not born into wealth; she has worked tirelessly over the past four decades to build her formidable empire.

4. Bill Gates (risk taker)

Bill Gates, one of the most well-known American technology entrepreneurs, is the second-richest person in the world with a net worth of over $133 billion as of Jan. 13, 2021.Gates grew up in Seattle, Wash., and began tinkering with personal computers at an early age with friends such as Paul Allen. Showing a ton of aptitude and promise, Gates enrolled in Harvard, where he met Steve Ballmer before dropping out to start Microsoft.

Gates, with the help of Allen, Ballmer, and others, built Microsoft to become one of the world's largest and most influential tech companies. In 2020, Gates only recently stepped down from the board of Microsoft, which is valued at over a trillion dollars based on its market capitalization. He is decided to refocus his personal efforts on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Interview

Pretty quickly we decided that we ought to get out there and really help these guys get their act together. I never became an employee. Paul was their Vice President of Software. But I moved out and whatever I did from the inside, I did on behalf of Microsoft. I got out there and alot of what I started doing at first was actually enhancing the BASIC. 537

DA: Let me ask this Bill. You mentioned that, even before this, you and Paul had had many discussions about the future. How did this work affect what you thought the future was going to hold?

BG: Well, Paul had talked about the microprocessor and where that would go and so we had formulated this idea that everybody would have kind of a computer as a tool somehow. Not just for business, but also for something they would play around with as a home device. We knew that however it got started, that there would be certain standards built-up around it, about how you programmed things. We wanted to be part of that excitement. And so we saw this machine as just the beginning of an era. And this company was a wild company. I mean they were actually bankrupt before they did this because they had gotten screwed up doing Kit Calculators which had been their thing they had done after model rocketry.

MITS actually stands for "Micro Instrumentation Telemetry Systems", funny little things you stick on top of the rocket that tells you what the temperature is at the top of the flight or eventually, they had ones that would take pictures. So, they had done okay in that and then got into Kit Calculators. But was wiped out by Bomar and TI. And then just as a desperate thing, they did Kit Computers. When these computers came out at $360, the price of the 8080 chip was $360. So people kept saying, "They must be broken chips, it must be fake." And, of course, when they put these kits together, they didn't preassemble them, so if you miss one part -- a lot of people had a hard time putting these things together. But, a lot of people got it done and eventually went on to buy the Teletype and BASIC, and actually get a running system. So we thought, "Hey, are we really on to something here? We think so." And MITS was just great because it was just a center of activity for those first few years. We went around the country in this big van, big blue van, they had, with these machines starting up user groups and demonstrating things. Actually, before we even shipped BASIC, somebody stole the demo copy out of the van and started copying it around and sending it to different computer clubs. There was a real phenomenon taking place there, right around this Altair computer. In fact, the MITS guys were kind of upset when people would imitate this computer, same plug-in bus for peripherals -- things like that. They really weren't sure what to do about it.

5.Larry Page (committed)

Larry Page is the co-founder of Google, the world's number one search engine. Google was started by Page and his co-founder Sergey Brin while they were doctorate students at Stanford University.12 With an initial investment of just $100,000, the two partners quickly grew Google into a multinational conglomerate.In 2015, Google was restructured to form the parent company Alphabet Inc., with Page serving as CEO.Page has a net worth of $82.0 billion as of Jan 13, 2021.

Interview

Looking forward 100 years from now at the possibilities that are opening up, he says: “We could probably solve a lot of the issues we have as humans.”It is a decade on from the first flush of idealism that accompanied its stock market listing, and all Google’s talk of “don’t be evil” and “making the world a better place” has come to sound somewhat quaint. Its power and wealth have stirred resentment and brought a backlash, in Europe in particular, where it is under investigation for how it wields its monopoly power in internet search.

Page, however, is not shrinking an inch from the altruistic principles or the outsized ambitions that he and co-founder Sergey Brin laid down in seemingly more innocent times. “The societal goal is our primary goal,” he says. “We’ve always tried to say that with Google. I think we’ve not succeeded as much as we’d like.”

Even Google’s famously far-reaching mission statement, to “organise the world’s information and make it universally accessible and useful”, is not big enough for what he now has in mind. The aim: to use the money that is spouting from its search advertising business to stake out positions in boom industries of the future, from biotech to robotics.

Asked whether this means Google needs a new mission statement, he says: “I think we do, probably.” As to what it should be: “We’re still trying to work that out.”

https://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/092315/top-5-most-successful-american-entrepreneurs.asp

https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/entrepreneur-traits

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/stephaniedenning/2018/07/30/andrew-carnegie-on-achieving-wealth-and-prosperity/amp/

https://www.theguardian.com/century/1940-1949/Story/0,,127365,00.html

https://www.readersdigest.co.uk/culture/celebrities/interview-oprah-winfrey

https://americanhistory.si.edu/comphist/gates.htm

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.ft.com/content/3173f19e-5fbc-11e4-8c27-00144feabdc0

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tabloidtoc · 4 years

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Globe, October 26

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Jeffrey Epstein’s madam Ghislaine Maxwell’s love letters to Prince Andrew

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Melanie Griffith looks alarmingly skinny in L.A., Machine Gun Kelly hangs out the passenger side of his ride in West Hollywood, Cynthia Nixon

Page 3: Pierce Brosnan takes it easy in Hawaii, pot-puffing rapper Snoop Dogg looks mighty mellow while playing DJ at a California concert, Jennifer Garner hits the beach in Malibu

Page 4: Rod Stewart’s wife Penny Lancaster didn’t think she was sexy after pigging out during the pandemic and having a hormone- and booze-fueled breakdown -- Penny says she and Rod treated lockdown like a grand vacation until she resolved to change her ways after seeing an unflattering selfie, Kim Kardashian is desperate to dump husband Kanye West but she is thinking with her head not her heart as she negotiates a pre-divorce deal to carve up their $3 billion fortune and she aims to avoid a dirty public divorce war over their fortune and their daughters North and Chicago and sons Saint and Psalm and Kim has all the paperwork ready to go but Kanye is burying his head in the sand and refusing to sit down and mediate -- Kim knows the moment she pulls the trigger all hell will break loose so she’s content to sit it out in the hope Kanye comes to his senses and makes this as amicable as possible after six years of marriage

Page 5: Warning signs are blinking for Katie Holmes’ red-hot romance with Emilio Vitolo Jr. because his mom doesn’t like their romance -- Emilio upset his mother by dumping his fiancee just hours before pictures of him canoodling with Katie surfaced and his mom thinks she brought him up better than that and she didn’t like how Emilio handled this at all, Mariah Carey never did the horizontal mambo with former fiance James Packer and when asked why Packer wasn’t mentioned in her memoir she said if it was a relationship that mattered it’s in the book but if not it didn’t occur and said they didn’t have a physical relationship

Page 6: Whoopi Goldberg is riding roughshod on The View and her co-hosts are whining she’s a self-obsessed and money-grubbing pain tyrant -- Whoopi’s disenchanted with her role on the show and that’s become a problem for everybody -- she’s nailing the political commentaries but she’s been badgering the other ladies to step up and quit expecting her to be The View’s political know-it-all

Page 7: Despairing Lisa Marie Presley wants to spend her final days at Graceland and then be buried next to her father and son -- since her only son Benjamin Keough committed suicide Lisa Marie is still beside herself with grief and she’s losing the will to go on -- her liver problems have roared back and she faces almost certain death if the vital organ fails

Page 8: Dolly Parton is ready to splurge $2 million for a total head-to-toe cosmetic surgery makeover in a grand last hurrah before her 75th birthday in January and she intends to wow the world with her new younger look while she parades her just released holiday album and new Netflix movie -- Dolly can’t wait for people to get a load of her and they’ll never believe her age

Page 9: Tommy Lee swears he’s been sober for a year but says before his last rehab stint he was swilling two gallons of vodka a day, blabbermouth talk show star Sharon Osbourne boasts that even after 38 years of marriage she and husband Ozzy Osbourne still do it at least twice a week, Led Zeppelin’s rockers are feeling like they’re in paradise after winning a long lawsuit claiming they stole the beginning of their monster 1971 hit Stairway to Heaven -- the band was accused of stealing the guitar opening for the tune from the song Taurus by the late Randy Wolfe of the band Spirit and the lawyer for Wolfe’s estate grumbles the band won on a legal technicality and Zeppelin rockers are the biggest art thieves of all times

Page 10: A bitter feud that’s ripped apart the family of the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin could end after his niece Rebecca Lobie extended an olive branch to his pregnant daughter Bindi Irwin -- the two had been at odds since Rebecca left her gig as managing director of the family’s Australia Zoo in 2015 and now Rebecca hopes to mend ways with her cousins Robert Irwin and Bindi, Sadie Robertson reveals she developed an eating disorder when she was body-shamed after competing on Dancing with the Stars in 2014, Ghostbusters star Rick Moranis was socked and knocked to the ground in a cowardly sneak attack by a thug while taking a 7:30 a.m. walk in the Big Apple and he suffered head and back and hip pain and was checked at a hospital before heading to a police station to report the vicious attack that was caught on video

Page 11: Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are about to get clobbered with a whopping megabucks tax bill if they stay in the U.S. for too much longer because any foreigner who spends at least 183 days in the country is liable for federal and California state taxes and that means if they’re still here after the first week of November the taxman will be sending the pair who are worth an estimated $26 million a massive tab, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have snubbed his grandma Queen Elizabeth’s annual Christmas get-together for the second year in a row even though at age 94 this will likely be her last holiday season -- Harry and Meghan are not ready to leave their cushy life in Montecito and at this stage they are really enjoying their new life in California and their new home

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Colin Hanks stocks up on supplies in West Hollywood (picture), Rumer Willis is in kinky online snaps leaving little to the imagination in an image from her aptly named Bondage photo series the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore wears nothing but thigh high boots and black rope binding her nude body, Kylie Jenner has taken obnoxious to a whole new level when she proudly shared online snaps of her two-year-old daughter Stormi wearing a $12,000 Hermes backpack to start at-home preschool, Kathie Lee Gifford’s daughter Cassidy Gifford brought her husband Ben Wierda for a Celebrity Family Feud taping but his game show debut ended up showcasing that his snug-crotched khakis outlined too much below-the-belt junk

Page 13: Kate Moss in London (picture), Chiwetel Ejiofor shoots the heist flick Lockdown in London (picture), Gwen Stefani gets into the Halloween spirit in L.A. (picture), Drew Barrymore says she is terrible at keeping things but she does have the red cowboy hat she wore in E.T.

Page 14: Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli’s daughter Olivia Jade’s boyfriend Jackson Guthy who is the son of cosmetics magnate Victoria Jackson and direct-marketing mogul Bill Guthy was arrested for DUI in Santa Monica, Justin Bieber and bride Hailey Bieber made it through a whole year of marriage and made a splashy display of the milestone on social media, Fashion Verdict -- Arica Himmel 8/10, Katherine Waterston 4/10, Alessandra Ambrosio 3/10, Josie Canseco 9/10, Maisie Williams 2/10

Page 16: Following the heart-breaking crash of a two-year romance Reba McEntire is sporting a loving glow bouncing back into the arms of CSI: Miami hunk Rex Linn -- the two had their first date in January and have been virtual dating during the COVID-19 lockdown -- she said it’s just great getting to talk to somebody who she finds very interesting and funny and smart and who is interested in her too plus he’s very into her music and she’s into his career

Page 17: Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas have agreed to a trial separation after their sizzling affair was chilled by work-forced separation -- the pair were red hot until Ben split to film in Ireland and his long-distance calls with an eight-hour time difference to Ana turned into bicker-fests because they’ve both been getting defensive and bickering over even trivial things and frustrated with the small window they’ve got to talk and the connection isn’t great and they end up hanging up on each other -- Ana’s tired of being stuck in that big house of his alone in Los Angeles and she feels like the hired help doing chores and walking dogs so they agreed to take a few weeks of chilling out and see where they are after that, beloved TV icon Regis Philbin spent his final desperate months wallowing in gloom over the pandemic; according to Kathie Lee Gifford Regis couldn’t perform anywhere and he couldn’t be Regis for people and it broke his heart

Page 19: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Sara Gilbert, Pretty Woman boosted Jason Alexander’s career but the 1990 blockbuster had its downside because he was known around the world as the a-hole who tried to rape Julia Roberts and women would say mean things to him and punch him and he even got spit on by one woman, devastated Chrissy Teigen had a tragic miscarriage of a baby boy she’d named Jack -- the mom of two and wife of John Legend has been hospitalized in L.A. after experiencing complications and weeks before the miscarriage she was treated with Botox to relieve really bad pregnancy headaches

Page 20: True Crime

Page 24: Cover Story -- Ghislaine Maxwell’s love letters put Prince Andrew on the spot -- murdered sex predator Jeffrey Epstein’s accused madam Ghislaine is burying Prince Andrew under an avalanche of love letters proclaiming she’ll defend the disgraced British royal and begging for him to return her loyalty and affection -- now being held in a New York federal jail as she awaits trial on sex trafficking charges related to the late billionaire pervert Ghislaine writes Andrew most days saying how badly she fells about what he’s gone through and urging them to get through this nightmare together -- Andrew’s made some terrible decisions but even he knows it would be suicide to make any contact with Ghislaine and he needs to keep his distance and hope she stops writing these letters

Page 26: Health Report

Page 38: Real Life

Page 40: John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono is telling friends she’s knocking on heaven’s door -- the ailing 87-year-old is confined to a wheelchair and needs round-the-clock care and she’s been privately confiding she’s on her way out sparking worry and confusion -- the question swirls does she really think her days are numbered or is she just fishing for sympathy and attention and premature eulogies from VIPs all over the world

Page 44: Straight Talk -- After living through a nightmare of false prosecution and imprisonment and persecution for a murder of her roommate Amanda Knox has been sucked into the criminal cult world of NXIVM whose kinky leader Keith Raniere has been convicted of sex trafficking children

Page 45: Kirstie Alley is set to chuck hectic Hollywood for the quiet life on a farm with a down-to-earth country guy -- Kansas-born Kirstie has been quarantining in Wichita for the past seven months and now realizes how little she misses Hollywood and how much she loves living a more simple laid-back life so she’s decided to buy a farm and has sold her 21-bedroom in Maine which has been her second home for the past 30 years so she can move to the country

Page 47: Hollywood Flashback -- Al Pacino in 1983′s Scarface, Bizarre But True

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genesisarclite · 7 years

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Some random Morgan Yu and Alex Yu headcanons below the cut.

- When Morgan gets really angry, he starts insulting people in Chinese

- Alex does not find this funny. Morgan does.

- Alex was always “the smart kid” who didn’t have the looks, but could outwit just about anyone and tended to draw people to him with his intellect

- His personality leaves a bit to be desired, but he can be plenty friendly

- Morgan was always “the pretty one”, but he didn’t flaunt it... at least not until he figured out he looked good in a suit (it’s good for business if the faces of TranStar look good, considering it’s a Megacorp and all). He spurned protocol and wore one to the Yellow Tulip instead of his TranStar uniform.

- (Alex chewed him out about it later)

- Both brothers are introverts, but Morgan has more of his Extroverted Sensing traits developed than Alex (face of the company and all)

- (he stole the spotlight from his brother, y’see)

- Morgan is arrogant and reckless, colder, and kind of an a-hole even on his good days. He’s pretty much immune to getting kicked out of the company. He knows it and uses it.

- Alex puts up with a lot from his brother. A lot. Morgan has said and done things that would get most people fired. It adds to his arrogance.

- Morgan suffered increasingly worse personality swings during Neuromod testing, from one extreme to the other. He started pretty much normal, but after a dozen or so trials, he became more and more unhinged due to neural tissue scarring and being left with echoes of memories from previous trials.

- Despite Morgan being prettier, most people keep their distance or are wary of him, gravitating more to Alex. Morgan gives off a cool, professional aura with an undercurrent of mystery, and there are plenty of folks who pick up on it, don’t like it, and tend to just leave him alone.

- Morgan was not popular on Talos I. He was talked about, but nobody dared cross him. They kept their distance there, too, and often spoke poorly about him behind his back. Danielle Sho made her dislike of him well known. No one knows if it ever made it back to him.

- (it did, though, because Morgan knows everything)

- Morgan is often noted to have pretty eyes, but they’re described as something akin to “the void between the stars” - beautiful, but very, very cold. If he looks at you a certain way, it’s easy to get anxiety and feel like you did something horribly wrong.

- (that said, he had plenty of admirers. They all just kept their distance.)

- Despite being friendlier, Alex is a little snobbish, surrounding himself in glitz and glamour, paying a huge sum for that (stupid) crystal statue in his office, and always wearing the finest materials

- Morgan will get bored and try to recycle random objects. Or take things apart and try to make them better. This includes alarm clocks, maintenance panels, and the Yellow Tulip fabricator. In the dead of night.

- (some of his projects may or may not have exploded)

- Alex is not a tinkerer. He’s a thinker for the hard sciences, but he rarely gets his hands dirty, preferring to direct and observe.

- The two grew up very close due to their somewhat toxic, demanding family. Each will protect the other with their lives. Alex does not like people messing with his brother in any way, and only Morgan is allowed to insult him.

#prey #Morgan Yu #Alex Yu #my headcanons #wow this got long #enjoy random headcanons about prettyboy Morgan #and super smart Alex

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insugarush · 7 years

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Prelude Part II: Wings Tour in Seoul 18th & 19th February 2017---The Process

Masterlist

Prelude Part I

Prelude Part II: Wings Tour in Seoul 18th & 19th February 2017

Part 2: The Process: Bias, Accommodation, Permission, Tickets, Visa, Letters—In that order!

Now that I was an established and a very public Army (my family couldn't fathom my obsession—they still don't—but it was no secret) like everybody else, I was devouring the endless content BTS and BigHit keep us happy with, constantly. 24/7. They would make my day brighter. Bring a smile to my face. Make me laugh out loud. Make me tear up. All in front of my laptop. YouTube was my new best friend and I carried around electronics wherever I went because come on—it becomes an addiction and you start getting withdrawal symptoms when you go even a day without them! I am not the fan-girling type, but boy oh boy, did BTS convert me and convert me hard! They have this special gift of making each and every one feel so up close and personal with them. I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking this..they brought out this protectiveness in me that I only reserve for my closest and bestest friends. I wished the best for them, wished to protect them, wished to do things to help them.

I was so upset when I came across that video of RapMon and Yoongi being dissed by Bfree or whoever the hell he was.

Lets not even talk about Flower Boy Crew or whatever, one look at Kookie’s face on an article that spoke about his mistreatment and I refused to watch it.

It still makes my blood boil. Sometimes, I stay up thinking of ways to exact revenge on those assholes, excuse my French. Ugh. Anyway. Moving on.

What I’m trying to say is, the connection was real and intense and unbreakable right from the get go.

Lets take a moment to talk about biases because it's a rite of passage isn’t it? One has a bias. One loves all 7 babies equally, but one always, always, always has a bias that makes one’s knees weak. It may come as a surprise to you (my name is insugarush after all), but my chosen bias within the first few weeks of being a newborn Army was Jungkook.

He was cute and his moves mesmerized me and there were endless videos about how adorable he is and also contradictingly manly and oh-so-talented and he likes Noonas (yayy small victory there) The Golden Maknae had caught my attention and I was pretty sure that would be it. I remember being annoyed at Suga while watched Summer Package thinking “Why is he so lazy” “why is he so sleepy and grumpy” “Jungkook is so cool” “He hardly even has footage”

This was before, of course, I knew about how hard he worked and all his issues. All older Armys will remember Suga used to get little footage earlier even in variety shows as compared to the rest of the boys, probably because in the pre AgustD era he used to be more reserved and just generally more quiet and not this funny, spontaneous, carefree, fun person we see today (touch wood) (may God always keep him this happy and give him more and more reasons to be with every passing day)

But this is what I tell people. I didn't choose Yoongi, Yoongi chose me. Much like life and fate and other small, inexplicable things that ultimately come together to form the bigger picture. I don't know how it happened, during which show or concert or bomb, but way before the BST comeback, suddenly, my radar picked up on Yoongi. I couldn't look past Yoongi. Everyone else faded into the background and it was just Yoongi Yoongi Yoongi for me. All his charms came to the forefront and suddenly the same videos I watched and got annoyed at earlier now became super-duper cute and I just entered this black hole and just…you get the point. He destroyed me. Ruined me for life. It was 2 weeks of Jungkook and then Yoongi was like “bitch look at me” and I was a goner. He STOLE my heart people. STOLE it. And now its his forever. <sigh>

Sliding into my bias list like.

Anyway. I had made up my mind. BTS was true love. I had to see it till the end. The moment even just the rumours started circulating about their world tour, I promised myself I would attend one of their concerts. I promised myself I would make it work somehow! Do what it takes. Go wherever it’s easiest to get permission. I think that was still around their comeback sometime in October, because there was no official announcement yet.

Once it was announced the easiest target for me was LA. I had family there and visa, and also a fellow Army cousin sister, so it was literally just about booking the flight and getting the concert tickets, everything else would be taken care of, and my parents would be satisfied. This happened on 19th November. As expected it was easy to get permission from my family, and I got super-duper excited because I really thought this is gonna happen! What I didn’t expect was issues cropping from my family there..it seemed they wouldn't be around at that time etc etc…my heart was broken people. Into a million tiny pieces. Its one thing knowing you can never go, but another getting so close to going, seeing literally everything work out, and then having to cut out that dream and throw it away again. My family tried to make me feel better saying there would be a next time and there are so many concerts to come but I was sad. For exactly 2 days. Lol.

Like I said, I don’t give up. For a moment, I considered trying for Newark. Same country, different coast, but I had friends so it might work. Worth a shot! I was desperate. I just didn’t want to give up. The next day I got talking to another cousin whose in Dubai and we decided amongst ourselves that it was now or never. Forget anywhere else, we MUST go to Seoul for this. There would be more concerts, true, but this in particular was a special one! This one had all the boys’ solos and it was a next step, the end of one era and the beginning of a new one and the first concert was in Seoul. We must go. And it HAS to be Seoul because we have noticed the level of interaction the boys have with KArmys (obviously because of no language barrier—though int Armys get their own perks in their concerts)

21st November I booked accommodation online on my credit card. I didn't tell a soul, just me and my cousin, without permission, without tickets, flight OR concert—just pure faith that I need to make this work. The only thing on my mind was---people will flood the city and even if we get permission and tickets and visa, maybe there would be no room for us in Seoul because everything would be sold out! Lol. The mind is funny when it panics. Of course the whole city wouldn't have been sold out! It was a BTS Concert, not Olympics! But in my mind it was just as big, if not bigger.

I made sure I booked rooms that can be paid at a later date, took a wild guess at the dates (we had the tour dates I just booked 2 days before to 2 after) and it came down to $1000 for 2 rooms, max 5 people. Not a bad deal if you do the math!

Permission. Now this was a whole other ordeal. If most of you reading this are from India, like me, then you know this is not normal yet. Letting your daughter travel all the way to another part of the world just for a concert, to watch 7 boys you don’t know of, just doesn’t happen! All I can say is, I worked hard people. I concentrated on not making my parents angry. Doing whatever they wanted. Missed out on things I wanted to do so that I do what they want of me. When I was in sufficiently good books, broke the news to them that this was the goal I was working towards. I’m not the type to ask my parents for things, they could see how badly I wanted this. “No way” my dad had said. “I am not sending you to another country alone just with another cousin sister.” He did get convinced finally when I added desperately that my cousin’s mom might be joining us too (she had no plans but it sort of became a conditional permission) I promised him I would pay for my accommodation, concert tickets and any expenses on my own. All I need from him is permission and air tickets. Lol. This is how we compromise people! I didn’t dare breathe a word about how I had gone ahead and booked accommodation without his knowledge. What he doesn't know won’t hurt him! :P

Concert Tickets. This made me cry. I am not kidding. This was the most stressful part of this entire ordeal. I kept reminding myself how much I love BTS and how this will all be worth it in the end. I give 100% credit to my cousin sister, who btw, hadn't even taken permission from her own folks yet, but worked with everything she’s got to secure tickets.

First we tried the normal way. The date and time were out, the website was in Korean, but still accessible. I got one of my best friends who also happens to be a Korean to help me out. She lives in New York but she agreed to wake up at 4am to book our tickets for us..I filled her in (“BTS? Now who are they? Are you over Kim Hyun Joong? Park Bo Gum too? Good Lord you are not faithful”) We did a trial run before the actual day of booking. We navigated the page, downloaded the app, etc etc. We decided the 3 of us would try and book together from India, Dubai and New York, and whoever gets through, great! I had heard horror stories about tickets being sold out in minutes and didn’t want to risk it. I was fully aware that I would cancel all my plans if I didn’t get tickets.

On the day of the tickets opening up for sale to the general public, I was traveling. In the middle of nowhere. Somewhere around Mysore Palace to be exact. Everyone reading this from India knows we are not that lucky with internet, specially on the highways atop mountains, but I was carrying my stuff. We were out with another family and everyone was very hyped about this. One of the boys had asked me, “Who ARE these people that you’re going all the way to Korea to see?” I am proud to say I made an Army fanboy right there once I made him listen to Fire and then Dope. I prefer making people listen to the songs first so they don’t judge on the basis of appearances.

My throat was dry and my heart was pounding, I had everything ready—laptop, net, credit card. My friend from NY on the other phone with me, we’re all waiting for the sale to open. The minute it happened, all 3 of us on 3 laptops in 3 different corners of the world started frantically trying to buy tickets. We wanted the stands, BTS only. We all made it as far as seat selection page, but after that it just. wont. budge. For all of us! We tried and tried. I thought maybe it's the internet. I did everything I could! But the seats just wouldn't get selected. I saw the seats dwindle IN FRONT OF MY EYES. It went from 300 seats available to 150 available to 50 available to 10 available to finally---sold out. I called up New York and Dubai hoping and praying they have something—nope. Same story everywhere. I wanted to cry. I was just broken. I mean..I had done everything possible, but it just didn't happen. It dint work for all of us! At the same time! What does this even mean?!

I was so sad. Like so sad. I remember everyone trying to cheer me up, and me just reigning in my tears because we were traveling with another family. I couldn't even grieve properly. I just left that to it but refused to cancel my hotel yet. I could cancel in Feb without being charged so I just..left it. Mostly because it would break my heart to do it.

Unable to make the selection after coming this far--^

The next day we got information that some tickets are going on re-sale on the same website at midnight. AGAIN we sat. Again we got stuck at the same place. Again we saw the numbers dwindle and dwindle till they got sold out. Again. Now I was beyond frustrated. How can this happen 2 times in a row?! How have the others got their tickets?! What are we doing wrong?!

I realised too late it was probably a website thing, we should have tried the app the second day. Just didn't strike me till the tickets got sold out again right in front of my eyes! That helplessness and frustration is something I can never forget. And I felt worse when I realized the solution, just 5 minutes too late. Should have used the bloody App.

This time instead of being sad, I was filled with anger and determination. I’m gonna do this somehow, I vowed to myself. This was mid December already. My cousin sister and I started working on finding re-sellers on Twitter and on the Korean re-sale sites. We tried KoreanBuddy, koreanshoppingservice..dude I don’t even remember! I just remember a lot of Korean websites, Google Translate and Stress, that's all. We did our research, checked up blogs on how buy re-sale tickets, what to look for to find out if it's a fraud etc etc. We found a legit site called TicketBay and a bunch of people selling at insane prices ($400 for a $100 ticket) and finally decided on one seller and bought 2 tickets. This is January 10th already..the concert is a month away, and we’re still buying tickets. No one at home knows about this yet. My cousin did all the leg work..many people backed out, many people asked for payments in advance. We got lucky that the only girl we paid in advance turned out to be true, we were desperate at that point and only wanted to score tickets. I had decided even if it's a loss, it would be a secret I would take to my grave. Once we secured that, we became more relaxed. The girl was to meet us 1 day before the concert and hand over tickets, she seemed honest and sent loads and loads of proof before we took that leap of faith! I would strongly advise better decision making abilities people. We got lucky. We sent her money on PayPal, she could have turned out to be a fraud and run away with it and couldn't have been able to do jack..but again, we got lucky.

Just so you guys get a modicum of an idea about how messy this thing was:

Kind of proof to expect:

Trying our luck everywhere:

Being suspicious little bitches because come on--money!

Just an idea of how frustrating it all was:

Then we started actively working on Air Tickets and packing. Now my cousin decided to START getting permission, lol. It was much more stressful for her, she’s younger and it was a long and drawn out process, but she managed finally. Her mom and sister wanted to come along too, so that worked out for all of us! I’m glad I hadn’t cancelled my 5 seater accommodation in December! But Air ticket prices had shot up, and I ended up paying $1200 for my tickets instead of $600, which I could have if I had booked earlier. But I was waiting for at least concert tickets and my cousin to sort out her permission issues!

An idea of my packing list:

All of January was very, very stressful. Trying to find re-sellers is a pain, and trying to figure out if they are legit is even worse. Everyone had their own demands. Some we could and some we couldn't meet. Someway down the line we decided that now that we’re going all the way to Seoul to actually watch the boys, it would be a shame to just go one day. And hence the whole process of looking for more tickets re-started! Ugh. Ugly! But now that at least 1 pair was secured, we were okay with people wanting upfront payments on the day of the concerts and meeting us outside etc etc…worse comes to worst, they would ditch, but at least we would still have our money with us! One girl did ditch us btw. She suddenly stopped replying on 19th morning, on the DAY of the second concert, but thankfully my cousin had another back up contact lined up. Seriously, kudos to her! She managed the tickets on her own.

In total I ended up paying $600 for 2 tickets for both days as late as late as January 16th, that was just me. My cousin paid additional for her 2 tickets! The first pair of tickets we got delivered to my cousin’s friend in Korea, even that BigHit sent out the physical tickets so damn late (10th or 11th February I think?) that our hearts found no rest till the tickets were in our friend’s hands! We picked those for 18th up on 17th night, and additional 2 tickets with upfront payment for the 19th also the same night. Another extra ticket 19th morning, just before we entered the arena for the second day.

A picture of the delivered ticket that finally put us at ease!

It was sticky and messy and oh-so-stressful, I just remember being constantly stressed right from December to February when I actually left. Of course worth it in the end when we got to see the boys, but I strongly recommend downloading the app and using it every damn day if you have to, just get familiar with it (Interpark) so when the time comes you are prepared about how to buy your own BTS tickets at stock price!

I’m glad I got to see the boys but I could have easily saved $1000---which would have meant that much more merchandise or maybe even an additional concert in the nearer countries if I was feeling a little too ambitious with my parents and permission! :P

We hardly had a week to go before leaving for Seoul now, and that was mostly spent in trying out outfits to pack, making itineraries (I have done extensive research guys, please ask me what you want to know, I can probably become a guide in Seoul if I want by now). I listed down things I wanted to do/places I wanted to visit/food I wanted to try, area wise in my diary. Which mode of transportation to take, which card to buy that would work on Subways---etc etc. I sort of tried taking responsibility for this because my cousin had managed all the ticketing mess more or less on her own.

So my last week was spent in that, and the fan project I randomly decided to start. Things actually fell into place so late, that by the time I initiated the fan project there was already too less time to spread the word or go about it in a more organized manner. But thanks to all the lovely, lovely Indian Armys who helped me out so much by spreading the word, sending in their letters and artwork, and even cover page for me, it worked out! I spent the last 2 days in India editing and compiling the book to BTS, I wanted it to look nice and I really, really wanted to take all your lovely words to them. Some of those letters were so touching that I remember feeling like I was intruding by even reading them. Even after I reached Seoul airport, I was working on the book, marking up the letters etc. The final result turned out really nice, actually! I will write a whole other update for that, because the sort of drama that happened there deserves a post lol.

For now, just glimpses you’ve already seen on my Twitter @insugarush:

The pages on which I printed the letters:

An array of things while compiling <omg you guys are SO talented>

The actual book..!

Soo for anyone who wants to know..this entire thing took me about 3 months of insane stress and planning and about $3000 in total, which included escalated Air Fare and Concert Tickets, Hotel Tariff, Visa and even expenses in Seoul. It's an inflated figure and I’m sure you can manage with waaay less if you are smart about your bookings!

A lot of people emailed me when they heard about me going to Seoul for the concert saying how lucky I was. Yes, maybe 1% of it was luck but trust me guys---I worked freakin hard to make this happen. Against all sorts of odds. I could have given up long ago, at the first sign of it not working out, but I kept pushing. What I want to say is…please don't feel its something that will never happen for you. Its just about charting out a way and trying your best. At least give it your best shot! Don’t give up in your head, before you even try, just because it seems impossible. If it really doesn't happen after that, no worries…at least you tried! Even I couldn't have imagined all this would work out. I think about how I was so close to going to LA or Newark---but I’m so glad I pushed for Seoul. It was the culmination of a whole lot of efforts, not just luck..

Me, finally on my way to see my boys!^

Sorry for the long post, and once again, thank you so much for your patience. I know I’m taking my own time, but I want to update properly and in detail! Sorry if this post was too long or boring, send me feedback on Twitter @insugarush and I would be happy to inculcate it in my next posts ^_^

Stay tuned!

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10oclockdot · 7 years

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True/False 2017 Festival Report, part 1:

in which I give capsule reviews of films that I viewed on March 2 and 3, the first two days of this year's True/False, in order of best to worst.

Casting JonBenet (Kitty Green, 2017) True/False alum Kitty Green, whose film Ukraine is Not a Brothel divided audiences at the fest three years ago, returned this year with a major work, fresh off its triumph at Sundance: a hybrid documentary experiment called Casting JonBenet. Green put out a casting call in the Boulder, Colorado area -- the site of the murder of child beauty pageant participant JonBenet Ramsey two decades ago -- looking for locals to audition for the roles of JonBenet, her parents, her brother, and a few more figures close to the case. One by one, these actors sit down in front of the audition camera, framed as precisely and hauntingly as an Errol Morris interview, and talk to Green about their knowledge of the case, their theories about the case, their everyday lives, and the tragedies in their pasts that would help them to get into their roles. The audition footage, shot in 4:3, comprises the bulk of the film, but is occasionally intercut with 2.35:1 footage of fragments of what looks like a larger JonBenet Ramsey project that was never made. Lest you assert that this was all underhanded and exploitative to hold an audition for a non-existent film, Green explained in the Q&A that she apprised the auditioners of the nature of this experimental project, and apparently all participants agreed to have their unscripted audition tapes turned into a documentary. Green added in the Q&A that it was quite difficult to explain the project to the auditioners since no one had made a film like this before (though it's actually pretty similar to Mohsen Makhmalbaf's 1995 film Salaam Cinema, but with some added formal ornament). Though the experiment has limited documentary value in the traditional sense, it nevertheless takes the temperature, albeit obliquely, of the community that's lived in the aftermath of this unsolved case. You also get to meet some regular people with stories nearly as bizarre as the role they're auditioning for. What's more, the film opens up inquiries into the nature of documentary truth and how it relates to the different orders of truth that an actor might seek when inhabiting a role. I found it mesmerizing throughout, and a few moments even had me bolt-upright in my seat. For instance, after playing footage of some auditioners discussing the theory that JonBenet's killer was actually her brother (who was a young boy at the time), Green cuts to a montage of child actors attempting to split open a watermelon by beating it with a flashlight. And as if moments like that weren't enough, it all ends with majestic staged sequence in which about two dozen of the actors perform as multiple copies of the same characters on a set of the Ramsey house. It nearly evoked a live-action remake of Rybczyński's 1980 short Tango, but far more operatic and far sadder.

The Force (Peter Nicks, 2017) A couple years back I happened to catch Peter Nicks's debut film, The Waiting Room, a Wiseman-esque documentary about the goings-on a major hospital's emergency room. His institutional focus continues in his sophomore project, The Force, which embeds the viewer in the troubled Oakland Police Department. The film opens just before a police academy graduation, where we see the graduating officers in a tight prayer huddle. The moment the prayer ends, they break into a raucous chant celebrating their identity as the 170th Academy class. And so the film establishes its dialectic: will this department base its esprit de corps on militaristic chest-thumping masculinity, or on a spiritual quest for their better angels? The film takes us on a two-year journey through that question, at times making me believe that the Oakland PD is absolutely reformable, and at other times making me believe that police departments in general, by some basic flaw in their institutional structure and ideological foundation, are beyond saving. The Force is full of great insider footage that gives insight into the trials that beat cops and commissioners alike go through on a daily basis (during an excruciating tear gas training, the cadets are told, "You don't have the right to panic."). Eyewitness on an important moment in police history (2014-2016), the film tells the thorny facts of that history well. But throughout the film, Peter Nicks also deploys a series of subtle and utterly brilliant innovations on the art of observational documentary editing. Let me describe a few moments. Early in the film, a police officer is asking a man questions in a gas station parking lot when the suspect takes off running. Nicks's camera follows the action as well as it can, and a block away the officer tases the man as he's climbing over a fence. A moment later, as the officer describes the incident to justify his use of force, the footage from the incident replays, now intercut with the officer's body cam footage. These two pieces of tape corroborate his story. I know that the replay of footage doesn't sound like a major innovation (it's been around since at least Gimme Shelter), but the moment I saw it, it felt like a quiet breakthrough, or at least a powerful reminder of the evidentiary capacity of documentary, as well as the polytensuality of documentary images. Later in the film, another officer experiences a tense confrontation with an agitated man on the street. The officer manages to prevent violence from occurring, but by this point in the film we've already been made to realize multiple times that the Oakland PD is understaffed and its officers have to work 12-hour shifts that see them going from call to call, non-stop. As the officer drives away (we see him in close-up, with a thousand-yard stare), Nicks intercuts clips from the confrontation along with body cam footage of the same. Here, the replay functions as beleaguered memory. The empathy of the moment is remarkable. There's plenty more to say about this expertly-made film, but it all boils down to one thing: I never thought I'd feel so much sympathy for the Oakland Police Department. From the very beginning, it's clear that Chief Whent sincerely desires to end corruption, that he cares about the community, and that he wants his officers to understand the validity -- even the patriotism -- of the anti-police protests. He tells them, "The core foundation of this country was a mistrust in government. And we are the most visible sign of that government." Elsewhere a Community Liaison pastor invited to address the unit adds, "The past stole your identity and ran up an incredibly high bill." It's a lesson we can all benefit from: we must know our history to know ourselves.

The Road Movie (Dmitrii Kalashnikov, 2016) True/False 2017 marked the North American premiere of this compilation documentary, an alternatingly rollicking and harrowing journey through the Youtube phenomenon of Russian dashcam footage. Director Dmitrii Kalashnikov said he went through over 3000 publicly-posted dashcam clips to make this film, which runs a bit over an hour and features a little over 100 clips ranging from driver's ed disasters to weather-related accidents to forest fire drive-throughs to surreal encounters with drug-addicts, swat teams, meteorites, and wedding parties. As a work of editing, it has some notable qualities -- particularly Kalashnikov's interest in oscillating between the funny and the horrifying -- but apart from its obvious voyeuristic enticements (in the Q&A, Kalashnikov said that all documentaries were voyeuristic), its main strengths are conceptual. For instance, what does it mean to take Youtube off Youtube, transforming it from a private diversion to a public, collective spectacle? What does it mean to make a supercut not of professionally-produced footage, but of amateur footage? If we accept the axiom that footage uploaded to Youtube marks a site of interest or desire (that is, people presumably do not upload footage that they do not find interesting, since they desire that others will take an interest in it), then what might such an aggregation of footage express about the collective fascinations and desires of the culture that produced it? Finally, I also noticed that throughout the screening, many audience members had trouble suppressing an impulse to issue hushed directives or invectives at the drivers of the cars on screen. The perpetual POV must have made it feel like we were watching a friend play Grand Theft Auto -- a friend who clearly, given the number of disasters we saw, definitely needed our advice.

Abacus: Small Enough to Jail (Steve James, 2016) Steve James (Hoop Dreams, Stevie) is a towering figure in documentary. His latest project was made for Frontline, so it's somewhat smaller in scope and ambition, but his skill has not faltered, and the story is an important one. The film chronicles the story of Abacus Federal Savings Bank, which to date is the only bank against which a fraud lawsuit was brought relating to the 2008 housing collapse. If you haven't heard of this story before or this bank before, don't feel bad. Abacus is, the film tells us, the 2651st largest bank in America: a little community savings and loan serving the first-generation immigrant community in Chinatown, New York City. The prosecution was, the viewer infers, a careerist move from the District Attorney's office. They must've figured that the Sung family, which founded and runs the bank, wouldn't fight it. But the family did fight it, spending millions over the course of six years. And that's the real story here: not our leaders' hopelessly unjust response to the 2008 financial crisis, not the DA's ignorant (possibly racially biased) targeting and concomitant underestimation of the family, not even the subtle but important cultural differences in the way first-generation Chinese think about loans and money in general (though that part's fascinating), but rather the story of the family itself: pulling together, fighting tooth and nail, and, sometimes hilariously, arguing with each other for minutes on end over little things, like what their father's eating for lunch. Even if this film didn't strike me as a major work by a long shot, the True/False audience was clearly behind the Sungs, even breaking into spontaneous applause when the not-guilty verdict was read. In the Q&A afterwards, Steve James said that from now on he'd like to have the True/False audience for all his films.

Stranger in Paradise (Guido Hendrikx, 2016) Stranger in Paradise is one of those agit-prop experiments with a great concept but not-so-great execution. It opens with a montage of footage from all over, from Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat to news footage of the refugee crisis. Voice-over intones the tale of a spherical lump (earth) on which there emerged a conflict between North and South, "the worship of a god who supplies and demands," and a moral crisis of human movement and hate. It was a bracing way to get us started. Act 1 stages an experiment in which a white male actor portraying the xenophobic political perspective of Europe addresses a room of real refugees (men and women of color) stuck on the island of Sicily, speaks cruelly and superciliously to them, and improvises responses to their real questions. Act 2 repeats the scene with a different group of real refugees, but this time the white male actor argues the opposite: that refugees help the economy, and that it's Europe's moral duty to give back to the people groups from whom so much was stolen during the colonial period. In Act 3, the same actor holds a kind of mock hearing for each asylum-seeker, explaining why they will or won't be granted entry into Europe, and in the Epilogue, a single long take, the actor holds a semi-staged conversation with some passers-by on the street, talking about the project we've just viewed. To be sure, the film's heart is in the right place, but the edge of its satirical knife is dulled by two factors: second, it's simply not shot very well, and first, for all its attempts to satirically subvert the reactionary narratives of the refugee crisis, it still puts a white European at the center and relegates the voices of asylum-seekers to secondary importance. It wishes it were a Peter Watkins film, but it isn't.

#tf #true false #true/false #true false film festival #true/false film festival #film #film festival #casting jonbenet #kitty green #the force #peter nicks #the road movie #abacus small enough to jail #abacus: small enough to jail #stranger in paradise #steve james

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wonderofwander-blog · 5 years

Text

1,095

One thousand ninety five days.

We have seen 1,095 days in separate places.

I wonder every day if I will ever stop wishing you were here. I wonder every single day what it would be like if you were still here. What would you be? Who would you be? What would your ever-changing hair look like. What new card games would we play. How much would my kids adore you... the list never ends. What would be our new favorite song to binge listen to. What new adventures would we go on.

When I was pregnant, I was so scared of labor. People would always tell me by the time I got into labor I wouldn’t care about the pain anyways. I would just want that thing out of me the fastest way possible and when it was all said and done, the only thing I would remember is looking at my baby for the very first time. They said I would never remember that pain. False. My first born is three and my second, two. I remember every bit of pain I ever felt during labor and child birth. I remember every waking moment of labor and I remember everything that hurt after it.

I remember the pain.

I think it’s truly beautiful that I can hold on to the memory of that pain. For one, I will always remember how strong and brave I am for creating a human being and bringing it earth side with my own body. I remember the endurance and the will-power it took to stay calm and patient and let my body do it’s thing. I appreciate that pain now, because it taught me that I don’t have to fear pain and I don’t have to fear being hurt because I am strong and... well.... I brought a human into this world with my own body so I think the rest can speak for itself.

Becoming a mother taught me that life will always bring me pain, maybe not physical pain, but pain nonetheless, and I am strong enough to bear it and feel it and make it through it. Becoming a mother taught me that endurance and will to make it through whatever pain comes with life and KNOW that no matter what, I can see myself through it. I’m not exactly religious at this time in my life, but I do believe that the universe gave me my children to show me that I don’t have to fear pain. I can embrace it and know that I am okay. When I had my second kid, Rylee, I almost died. I lost more than 2/3 of all the blood in my body and I was fading fast. It happened in a matter of minutes. They dropped her on my chest and I immediately knew I was not going to be okay. I had them take her off of me almost immediately. I faded into white seconds later. It was really white and blank and empty. There was nothing there. I remember coming to in an OR and I was panicking. I had no idea where I went or how long it had been and my first waking thought was “Is this Grey’s Anatomy” (not even a lie). I went through surgery and came out breathing another day. That confirmed even more that no matter the pain and trial, I am strong enough and I have the will power to make it another day. I thank the universe or whatever it is out there that gave me my kids because I needed that more than anything. I needed to know that I could endure through pain and suffering.

I have lost a lot of people. Be it to old age, sickness or disease, and yes, even addictions or mental illness. I have saw with my own eyes my grandparents take their very last breath on earth. I have watched the life leave their bodies. I have stared into the face of addiction and mental health and watched it selfishly steal the life of my family members and friends. There have been so many moments where I have come unglued. There have been hard times, unable to express or feel my losses and there have been easy times where I just knew this was the journey and death was fate.

Looking back on when I met Jessie, it is actually quite funny. I worked at 4Rivers and Jessie was just hired. New to the area and had no other friends, he was brought on as the new night shift dishwasher. Not a thrilling job, but when you have no connections, you just kind of take what you can get until you can find something better or work new positions. He was so quiet and..... weird. He was weird as hell. He came in with his hair all slicked back and looked like a hip-skater dude with really bad taste in music. He was a giant compared to everyone at work. I would go back there often just to see what he was up to and if he would even work out in the dish pit and every day I would just say hi and he would never say anything other then hi back. A very blank expression, as if he was uninterested in being friends with anyone. But for me, I was interested. I wanted to talk to him and see what he had going on. He looked like someone I would want to be friends with so I persisted. Every single day, like five times a day we would just exchange “hi’s” and go on about our day. One day (probably like the third day) I started saying more than hi and oh my god. I think he thought I was the most annoying and childish person on the planet, but I persisted. One day I offered to stay and help him close out the dish pit and I think I stole his heart right then and there. Of course, I wasn’t really gonna stay and help him, I just wanted to get a rise out of the guy. My idea of helping was to get every possible dish to him before 7:45pm so that he wasn’t there until 11 or 12 washing dishes. So I stacked and staked and staked until he had a MOAT of dishes surrounding him and he was furious. I was laughing internally because that’s kind of our dish pit initiation and we win every time. I felt so bad that I wound up staying anyways. We didn’t exchange any words. Probably a couple of ‘fuck’s’ and ‘god dammits’ but nothing otherwise. Finally, at the end of the night I went to get our check out and when I walked back up to him, he was drying his hands on a rag. I looked at him square in the eyes and I was like “you know what? I like you and we are going to be great friends.... you just don’t know it yet” and he just looked at me so confused and was like “......oooookay...??????” and I laughed and walked off. I wonder what he thought of me on that drive home to this day. Never bothered to ask. Little did we both know how close of friends we would actually be. a few weeks later was a company wide picnic. We rented out some kind of park or something and all got together just so that we could say we were a “family oriented” business, I guess. I told Travis and my work clan that I was inviting Jessie. I wanted him to come and I wanted him to know that I was serious about him being my friend. It was not up for debate at that time. When I asked him he said yes, to my surprise, but he needed a ride. So i squeezed him in my little honda civic and off we went. Everyone hit it off right away. He was a totally different person then any of us could have expected and I am so glad I forced a friendship on him. We were all inseparable ever since. The friendship we had was more like a brother/sisterhood. Everyone else was close, but me and Jessie were just best friends. He was the best- best friend I could have ever asked for. He always told me when I was wrong and saw me through my problems. He stuck close by when I had my first child and even though he was scared to touch such a tiny human being, he still stood by. He never shied away from our friendship because there was a baby in the picture. We strapped that baby in and kept on with our regularly scheduled shenanigans. There was never a dull moment.

But Jessie longed for a meaningful and purposed life. He wanted to settle down and find love. He wanted a family and he wanted a future. He wanted so many things and I just had to remind him that he was only 20 years old. He was still a baby himself and had so much to see and do before finding what he was searching for. I plead with him to stay the path and find what he loves before he found WHO he loves and that is where he will find his meaning and purpose but the heart wants what it wants. Jessie had shared his story with us from before he moved here. He shared his struggles and his problems with us from his hometown. He knew the path he traveled and at the age he traveled it was dangerous and scandalous. And he knew that he wanted to be a different person but those demons came back and they came back with a vengeance. It took every ounce of happiness from his soul. That didn’t stop his smile and it NEVER stopped him from absolutely making every persons day and he never stopped being the Jessie everyone needed and loved but you could see the deficit in his eyes. You could see that he was struggling and you could just tell it was out of the ordinary behavior for him. He found new friends and he saw them everyday. He stopped coming over so much. I think he was ashamed of what he had gotten himself into. We talked everyday, but he wasn’t the same. I had a child. I had a full time job and I have family and a relationship I have to take care of and after chasing Jessie down and begging him to come back to, I had to realize that I have been here before and I am all to familiar with this path and I was in no place mentally or emotionally to chase him down and plead with him to stop. He didn’t want to hear it. He would come over high as hell and I just hated that so much. He was so rambunctious and all over the place and I didn’t want my son to be in danger so I had to do something. I told him he needed to get off the H or stop coming around. I told him that I loved him with all of my heart and I would never stop loving him or being his friend but I didn’t want that around my baby. I didn’t want that for Jessie and I didn’t want that for my son. So he stopped coming around as much. When he did come around he would look like he just ate shit. Like face to pavement, ate shit. I questioned him and in the beginning he would say that he fell or something stupid. Later on, I found out he was hitting himself with things as a way of punishing himself. I knew he was depressed and I knew he was hurting but he wouldn’t let me in. I tried and tried every day but he wasn’t letting me in. I didn’t feel far from him but I felt like I didn’t know who he was anymore. I guess I felt replaced.

He would come over and hang out with Trav and they could down a whole handle of liquor in under 3 hours. Not normal. He did a lot of sketchy things and I wasn’t down with all that stuff. I just wanted my friend back.We had a lot of fun times together and it was so easy. Now my heart was just hurting for someone that I knew I couldn’t fix. My heart was hurting for someone that I knew had dreams and goals but had no idea how to achieve them.

and now he is gone

I will probably never figure out how to get over the hump of being the perfect combination of mad and sad. But what I do know is that I was very much prepared for this pain even if I never knew I was. Even if I still don’t fully know I am. I will never forget how I felt on that devastating day. Each day I am reminded of the loss and the pain. When I drive through Longwood or Altamonte springs I am pained. When holidays pass I am pained. When I look through pictures or memories I am pained. When I see his watch on my dresser I am pained. When I need a friend I am pained. When I just need a person I am pained. I am so pained each and every day that I don’t have my Jessie here with me. But I can manage and I can handle it. I can see myself through it. It may bring tears or emotions that I really don’t want to feel but I can see myself through it. And not because “he would want me to” or “it get’s easier as the days go on” or whatever other cliche thing someone has said to me in the midst of this. I can see myself through it because I am strong and brave. Because I have felt all kinds of pain and I am not scared of it. I am not scared to feel pained by this loss. I am not worried about how I can possibly see myself through this because I have seen myself through one thousand ninety five days without even realizing it. One thousand ninety five days of sadness and tears and anger and ‘whys’. I did that.

So if I had to tell another person what I have learned after all this time, it is that no matter how impossible your days seem, you are strong and you are brave and you WILL get through it even if you feel like you cannot go on. You will because you just do somehow. It never does get any easier and each day that passes just brings you further away from that person but don’t forget your pain and don’t forget your path because in just 1,095 short days you will look back and realize that you have already bore 3 years of pain and loss and you will bear three more in just the blink of an eye. Don’t. Forget. Your. Pain. Embrace your pain and remember your pain and you will learn that you can endure a lot more than you could have ever imagined and it will make you strong and brave and invincible.

*No proof read.

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