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pennylanefics · 4 years

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Losing Everything - Finn Cole

a/n: i can’t be stopped lol. hope y’all like! thanks to those that are giving feedback on my finn fics, it’s encouraging and great to know that people like them :)

gif is by @sethkate

warnings: mentions/slight descriptions of a car accident (one paragraph right under the cut) mentions of a hospital

•••

Your friends dragged you out of the house to go to some club that was opening up; apparently it was the coolest thing in town yet, but you weren’t up for it. You and your boyfriend Finn broke up a couple weeks ago. His filming schedule and endless work days were getting too much for you, so you decided to end things.

It was a pretty civil break up, though it hurt a lot. There were no hard feelings, Finn didn’t blame you because he always knew it was a struggle dating him with his schedule. You left on a high note, but you were still so heartbroken; you wanted things to work out so badly, but unfortunately, they didn’t.

You weren’t having a good time at the club. As your friends danced with strangers, you sat in your booth, away from the crowd, sulking. Finally, when it was time to leave, you couldn’t have been happier. You were the designated driver, since you didn’t feel like drinking, so everyone piles into your car.

Five minutes into the drive, the girls are still singing along to the radio and having fun. But things take a turn for the worst.

You were driving through a traffic light when a car driving the opposite way runs the red light, t-boning your car right on your side. It wasn’t a direct hit to your door, but in the middle of the back seat and the front seat. Your car swivels in the road, and that’s the last thing you remember before passing out.

—

A faint beeping sound brings you from the darkness. Your eyes slowly open, trying to adjust to the low light of the room. You see your friends surrounding you, tears in their eyes; they look a little beat up as well, but not as bad as you.

“Hey, (Y/N),” your friend Ashley whispers. A painful groan rumbles in your throat and she clicks for the nurse right away. Within seconds, a woman is stepping into the room, a sorrowful look on her face.

“Hello, Miss (Y/L/N). I’m going to ask you a few questions, is that okay?” She allows you a few seconds to come to your senses more before looking down at her clipboard.

“What is your first name?”

“(Y/N).”

“Do you remember the crash at all?” Your head shakes side to side in response.

“Do you know what month it is?” Another head shake.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Thinking for a moment, an image of Finn pops into your mind.

“M-my boyfriend.” Your friends share worried glances with one another.

“And what is his name?”

“Finn. Finn Cole,” you smile through the pain at the thought of the man you love.

“Um, can I talk to you for a second?” Ashley pulls the nurse aside, out of your earshot.

“Damn, I thought Dana had it the worst, but you look awful,” your other friend Ivy says. A low chuckle leaves your lips, though you grimace in pain once more.

“Thanks. Makes me feel s-so much better.” You were pretty beaten up. You had casts on your right leg and left arm, a bandage wrapped around your head, scrapes, cuts, bruises, and gashes everywhere else, including your face.

Your nurse walks back over and explains that she’s going to check for a concussion. She asks you a few more questions before checking your eyes, then leaving to go get the doctor.

“Guys, where’s Finn?” Your friends are silent, not having any idea on what to say. They wanted to tell you more than anything that you aren’t together, but they didn’t want to upset you even more during this very vulnerable time for you.

“He’s away filming for Peaky Blinders. You remember that, right?” Ashley says. A smile appears on your lips.

“Yeah. He plays Michael. He left right after our last date to go film.” Once more, your friends share disappointing looks with each other; him leaving for that filming was what led you to break up.

“Is he coming back soon?”

“Uh, I’m not sure.”

“Did you tell him what happened?”

“No. I tried calling him and he didn’t answer. I’m sure someone will get ahold of him soon and he’ll be back before you know it.” They were straight up lying at this point, they had no idea how to tell you, or if they even should.

Just then, the doctor walks in with the nurse trailing behind him.

“Hello, (Y/N). It looks like you have a small case of amnesia, no concussion.”

“But, I remember things. I just don’t remember the crash.”

“Olivia wrote down that you don’t remember the month, but the last thing you do remember was from a couple weeks ago. Your friend mentioned that your boyfriend Finn left for another part of England to film during that time.” The realization finally kicks in, and everyone is awkwardly waiting for you to say something.

“Well shit,” you breathe out. Laughs echo in the room as the doctor checks a few things before leaving you with your friends once more.

Finn’s POV:

After a long day of filming in the cold rain, I stepped into my trailer to relax until it was time to head back to my hotel. As I laid down on the bed, my phone rang loudly, irritating me even more. I angrily answer it, but soon regret the tone in my voice.

“Hello?” I scoff in response.

“Hi Finn, this is Ashley, (Y/N)’s best friend.” I close my eyes and wonder why she’s even calling me.

“Is something wrong?” She pauses before continuing.

“Yes, actually. A couple nights ago, we went out, and on the drive home, we got into an accident. Ivy, Dana, and I are fine, we got away with minor cuts and bruises, but (Y/N) is still in the hospital, with two casts, a bunch of different injuries, and amnesia.” A chill runs through my body at the news.

“Is she gonna be okay?” I tried to remain strong, but deep down, I felt sick to my stomach.

“Yeah. The doctor said her memory should return in a few weeks, but if not, it may be permanent. There is one problem, though.”

“That is?”

“She forgot everything within the past couple weeks. The second she woke up, she was asking for you. We had no idea what to say, she doesn’t remember that you broke up.” That’s what breaks my heart.

“She doesn’t?”

“No. She said the last thing she remembers is the fact that you left for filming right after your last date, right before your fight.”

“Shit.” I rub my face with my hands, not having any idea on how to handle this. “Uh. I don’t…”

“We didn’t want to tell her that you guys broke up. She was really upset after it happened, and we didn’t want to make her relive that while she’s in the hospital, recovering from an accident.”

“No, I get that. I just, I have no idea what to do.” Ashley is quiet for a moment before she suggests something.

“I don’t want to make you do anything, but seeing you might trigger her memory. The doctor says it could help.” I think for a moment, trying to figure out any other solutions, but after drawing a blank, I decide to give her plan a go.

“Okay. I’ll ask the director to give me a couple days off to see her.”

“She’ll be back at home in a couple days.”

“I can’t leave until the end of the week, unfortunately.”

“That’s fine. We're going to stay with her and make sure she gets the help that she needs until you come.”

“Thank you. Tell her I’ll see her soon, yeah?” With that, I hang up and flop back against my bed. Tears form in my eyes as everything settles in. My ex-girlfriend, who I still love, is in the hospital right now, and I can’t visit her.

Your POV:

After being home for a week, you were finally starting to feel better. Almost all of your cuts and scrapes were healed, your broken bones were healing well, but your memory was still gone.

Thankfully, today was the day that Finn was coming back. He was all you could talk about to your friends. Ashley felt awful lying to you, but it was for the best; it was better you remember on your own than to be told that you’re not fully okay.

The doorbell ringing excites you and Ashely raises from her seat to answer IT. Finn steps inside, a somber look on his face as you come into his sight. Ashley whispers something to him before he drops his bags and walks over to where you were laying.

“Finn! I’m so glad you’re finally back!” You shout, reaching your arms out for a hug. He gladly lends down and hesitantly hugs you, not knowing what still hurts and what doesn’t.

“I would say it’s nice to see you too, but you aren’t looking too well,” he says, taking Ashely’s spot on the couch. She left for the time being to give you two some time alone again.

“It’s not as bad as last week. I was a wreck.” Finn's smile is small and awkward. It felt weird sitting together, with you having no recollection of your break up. Still, he said absolutely nothing about it because you looked so happy to see him again, and deep down, he missed it.

When you are asleep for the night, after showering and getting ready for bed, Finn ends up calling both his director and agent, explaining the tough situation he’s in and asking for a few more weeks off filming. Miraculously, they agree, understanding that it is a hard thing to go through, and wish him the best, giving him four weeks off, and more if he needs.

The next three weeks are filled with healing, cuddles, and lots of tears. Every time you were in pain or overwhelmed with the idea of everything, Finn was there to hold you and comfort you, letting you know that everything was going to be okay.

He was there with you when you got your casts off, and went to every physical therapy session you had for both your arm and leg. It was a hard process, but he made it easier; he helped you with your exercises every night and iced your injuries afterwards.

One day, after a rather gruelling session, you were back at home, cuddled up with Finn.

“Can we talk about this?” He speaks quietly. Sitting up, you look at him in wonder.

“What about?” Finn sighs and situates your bodies so you’re comfortable.

“What’s exactly the last thing you remember?”

“We went on a date to a fancy restaurant. You had a steak, I had chicken, and we shared chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert,” you smile sweetly. That was before everything went downhill.

“You don’t remember the days after that?”

“No. I remember you leaving to film, but the rest is blurry. Why?” Finn shakes his head and sighs once more.

“Why haven’t you tried kissing me?” His voice is soft, as to not upset you anymore. Your shoulders shrug in response.

“You seem distant and not yourself. I didn’t want to make you do something you didn’t want. Plus you always let me know if you wanted a kiss, but I haven’t seen any of those gestures since I got home, so I haven’t tried.” This breaks Finn’s heart. You know that something’s off, but you have no clue why.

“Your lip was pretty busted and your jaw was bruised, I figured it would hurt too much to kiss you anyways.” You grin and peck his cheek lightly.

“Yeah, that wasn’t a fun time.” And with that, the conversation is dropped and not brought back up.

A couple more days go by, and the time that Finn has off is drawing close to an end. But, you’re still not any better. So, he tried the one thing that the doctor said might help you with regaining your memory: showing you photos; your phone was destroyed in the crash, so you haven’t been able to look through your own pictures.

You two spend the entire day scrolling through his phone, since he kept the photos of you two from when you were together; he didn’t have the heart to delete them just yet, and he was glad he didn’t. You ask about each photo and Finn is more than happy to explain each one.

It was a hard scene for Finn to watch. The only thing you remembered was dating him and going on that one date. You didn’t remember anything before that, which hurt him even more; he didn’t realize how severe your memory loss was until now.

Finn tells you all about the time you first met and how you spilled a milkshake on him on the first date. The laughs falling from your mouth and the look in your eyes pains him, he knew he had to tell you soon.

The next morning, though, everything changes.

You wake up alone in bed, the sunlight streaming through the slightly cracked curtains. Just then, you felt everything rush back to you.

Every single memory of you and Finn. Including your break up.

Looking around your room, you see picture frames of you two, ones that you used to have up in your room, but you took them down after you split; it was too hard staring at them. Everything is as clear as day, you even remember the night of the accident.

For the first ten minutes, you lay there, quietly sobbing and wondering why Finn went through all of this.

When you finish, you try to compose yourself as well as you can, but it’s no good. Your eyes are red, your cheeks are stained with tears, it was useless trying to cover up the fact that you were crying. You make your way downstairs slowly, already exhausted and wanting to get back into bed.

Finn stands in the kitchen, making some pancakes at the stove. A soft sigh escapes your lips, catching Finn’s attention. He smiles sweetly upon noticing your presence, but that smile quickly turns into a frown when he sees your state.

“Oh love, what’s wrong?” He turns the stove off and runs over to you, wiping your tears away with his thumbs immediately.

“I-I got my memory back,” you whisper, keeping your eyes away from his, staring at the ground. Finn inhales deeply, dropping his hands to his sides. “I know we broke up.”

“Listen, (Y/N), I-”

“Why did you stay? Why did you stay and lie to me and pretend everything was okay?” You were getting upset for the wrong reasons. You weren’t mad at him at all, but you felt the need to blame someone.

“I stayed because I love you. Sure, we may have broken up, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving and caring for you the second you were out of my life. Everything was Ashley’s doing. She didn’t want to tell you that we broke up because you were already in a vulnerable position.”

“So you went along with it?”

“For your sake, yes! You looked so happy to see me and I didn’t want to be the one to tell you. The doctor said your memory would eventually come back, and even he advised me not to say anything until you were ready.” Silence fills the room as you and Finn stare each other down.

“Well you can leave now. I know the truth. You don’t have to pretend anymore.”

“What did I just tell you? I’m not pretending! I love you and I wanted to be there for you!”

“I don’t need you!” He huffs out dramatically at your stubborn behavior.

“You may think you don’t need me, but I was the only one here for you. Your friends were here for a week while I was away filming but left as soon as I got here, and they have yet to come back and say hi. They dropped you as soon as you were out of their hands.” Your expression changes to a sad one, realizing that he was right.

“But if that’s what you want, I’ll leave.” He moves to set all of the dishes aside and gets ready to walk out of the house. As he walks past you, you grab his hand to stop him.

He looks back at you with confusion, glancing between you and your grip on his wrist. Before anything else can happen, you step forward and press yourself against him, reaching up to kiss him deeply.

Finn is a bit shocked at your sudden action, but soon melts into the kiss, wrapping his hands around your waist and pushing you flush against him. The kiss is heated as you pour all of your emotions into it, making up for the lost time.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper against his lips after you pull away. “I should be thankful that you’ve been by my side the entire time, it means a lot.”

“I’d do anything for you, love. When I got the call from Ashley telling me that you were in the hospital, I felt so nauseous and worried. It was awful,” his voice breaks at the reminder of that day.

“But I’m here, I’m safe, I’m together, well, besides the couple broken bones that are still healing, and the best part, I have my memory back.”

Finn’s hand raises to caress your cheek. You lean into his touch, missing the way it feels and yearning for more.

“So, do you still want me to leave?” He wonders. You stare right into his eyes, seeing the hint of sadness in them.

“No, stay. Let’s enjoy the pancakes you made and work things out, and see if being together is a possibility again…” You weren’t even sure if he wanted to get back together, but after these past few weeks, you remembered what you missed most about him, how caring he is.

“It’s most definitely a possibility,” he whispers.

•••

@peakyxtommy

#finn cole #finn cole imagines #finn cole x reader #finn cole imagine #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

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lindalevanimamm · 4 years

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Reality- Chapter 15

(A/N): I am going to go ahead and put a trigger warning on this chapter! If any mentions, or thoughts of suicide trigger you in any way, please skip over at least the beginning until the second paragraph of Saeyoung’s POV, or the entire thing!! I’m going to put a short summary of what happens in case you want to know what happened, but are afraid of it triggering anything. Remember that there is always a reason to live <3.

(Y/N) POV:

I don’t know how long it has been since I’ve been back. I’ve lost track of time. I’ve given up on everything… I tried everything I could. I read so many articles about traveling between universes, I attempted to fix the portal, which failed epically. I played Mystic Messenger for many days, but it just hurt. It wasn’t them, not the real ones. I haven’t touched my phone in days, maybe even months at this point, I really don’t know. I don’t know what I was expecting. Living there was too good to be true. Saeyoung isn’t coming, maybe they’re even happy to have gotten rid of me. I’m tired here, even though I haven’t been doing anything at all. I haven’t eaten in a while, I haven’t moved from my bed in a while. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know why I’m still living. No one has checked up on me, the RFA isn’t coming, I have nothing. I am nothing. I was too much of a burden that they sent me away. I don’t want to live anymore. I have no reason to. I have nobody, I have nothing. I got up and out of my bed for the first time in weeks. I headed to my bathroom and grabbed a bottle. I brought it to my couch and sat down. I wonder how long until people find out...probably a while. I stared at the bottle in my hands. It’s easy, just take them. Why are you hesitating, you have nothing. I sighed. I never thought I would get to this point... I opened up the bottle and dumped it into my hands. I closed my eyes and moved my hand closer to my mouth….but a noise startled me and I stopped.

I looked up and saw my front door swing open. Someone had opened it. Oh, they’re running towards me, wait this isn’t how this was supposed to go. What is happening? What are they saying? Oh wait, it’s Saeyoung. No, not just him, Saeran is here too. Why is he taking them from me? Give them back! It’s my only option. I can’t live like this anymore. My knees hurt. Why do I feel warm? Who’s there? I felt my face, I was crying. I looked around me. I’m on the floor, how did I get here? I watched Saeyoung as he pulled me closer to him. He looked disappointed. Of course he is, look at what he walked in on. He probably really thinks of me differently now. I thought I heard him saying something, but I don’t know what. My brain isn’t functioning right now. It’s probably the lack of food and water, or lack of sleep. Or lack of literally everything I’ve been denying myself. Why are they here? What happened? Am I going to be okay? Why do I care? Why is it getting dark around me? I didn’t take them did I? Maybe I did….maybe this is goodbye...it wasn’t supposed to be like this….

Saeyoung POV:

As soon as Saeran and I went through the portal, we made our way to (Y/N)’s apartment. When we got there I knocked, but there was no answer. Concerned, I quickly picked the lock and opened up the door. My mind wasn’t ready for what I saw. (Y/N) was sitting on their couch, a handful of pills in their hand. They looked, well, small. It looked like (Y/N) had lost a lot of weight, not in a good way. Their hair was messy, there were dark circles under their eyes. I did this. This is my fault. Saeran immediately moved when he saw what was happening, I was frozen. Saeran shoved me out of the way and ran over to (Y/N). He moved their hand, and took the pills and the bottle. I watched (Y/N) scream, and reach out to Saeran to get them back. I did this. Why do I always hurt the people I love? I watched Saeran move out of the way as (Y/N) fell to the floor. Saeran looked at me, and I broke out of the daze I was in. I ran over to (Y/N) and hugged them. I had begun to cry. I held onto them as I sobbed. I should have listened to Saeran. I should have focused on getting (Y/N) back, I should have known something was wrong when Jaehee couldn’t contact them. I should have done better. After a few minutes I noticed that (Y/N) was no longer conscious. I looked for Saeran. He had moved to the kitchen to make sure the bottle was out of sight, he was coming back with a glass of water. He moved me to get to (Y/N). They were barely conscious, but drank the water, before losing consciousness again. “Saeran,” I managed to get out.

“We need to get her to a hospital. I don’t care if it’s one here or one there, she needs to go,” Saeran interrupted me. All I could do was nod. I picked up (Y/N) and we headed for the nearest hospital. We probably should have gotten an ambulance. What is going to happen to them? We got to the hospital and checked (Y/N) in. The doctors made us stay back since we weren’t family. We knew we would be getting questions from a nurse to find out what had happened. Saeran did most of the talking. All I could think about was what I could have, what I should have done. When the nurse left, Saeran turned to me. “The nurse says we’re good. She said it’s up to us what we want to do with (Y/N). (Y/N) hadn’t been taking care of them self, the doctors have got fluids and things running through them. They say they’ll be up in about an hour. While (Y/N) is asleep we need to decide what we’re doing. (Y/N) needs help. We can send her somewhere here, or take her back and do something about it in our universe,” he told me.

“Yeah,” I mumbled. This made him angry.

“What do you mean yeah? Can you snap out of it?! (Y/N) would be dead right now if we hadn’t gotten there in time. It’s our fault. We need to figure out what we’re doing. We need to be there for them! I don’t care what stupid things you are telling yourself right now because it’s not important. What’s done is done. All we can do is hope they forgive us and be there for them!” Saeran stormed off, realizing he was getting worked up and didn’t want to cause a scene. I sat down in a chair and thought. No one likes mental health centers, Saeran almost killed people in one because of how much he hated it. I want to help (Y/N). They were happiest in our universe, so I think we take them back and then get them help. Hell, I probably should too. I waited for Saeran came back, before heading into the room they had (Y/N) in.

(Y/N) POV:

I woke up confused. My body hurt. The lights are really bright. I felt something grab my hand. I looked up and saw Saeyoung. I looked around. I was in a hospital room, Saeran was sitting in the corner watching me. I looked back at Saeyoung. “What happened?” I asked. My voice sounded harsh, and my throat hurt. Saeyoung smiled.

“Which part?” he asked.

“All of it. How am I here? Why are you here?” I sat and listened as Saeyoung told me everything. The agency sent me here and threatened Saeyoung. They took down the agency and came here when they found me, you know. Then I passed out and they took me here. “So you didn’t get rid of me?” I whispered after he finished explaining everything.

“What? Why would you ever think we wanted to get rid of you?” Saeyoung asked.

“Stupid. Obviously they thought that. They woke up in their universe, with no explanation. To everyone’s knowledge we were the only people who could do anything like that,” Saeran rolled his eyes at Saeyoung. Saeyoung’s face fell, I watched a tear fall from his face.

“I’m sorry,” his voice cracked. “I should have listened to Saeran and focused on getting you back before taking down the agency. I was worried that they would harm you if I got you back without taking them down first. But I was wrong. I was the only one that hurt you. I wouldn’t ever want to get rid of you.” I looked up at him and tried to smile.

“You are stupid,” I giggled. “But I knew that. I understand why you did what you did. You just did what you thought was best. It’s not your fault my mind is messed up.” Saeyoung looked up at me.

“But I’m still sorry.”

“I know. It’s okay.” I thought to myself. I didn’t really know what to think. I don’t know what to do or where to start. “What are we going to do?” I finally asked.

“Well, it’s ultimately up to you, but Saeran and I talked about it. We think it would be best to go home and then get us some help,” Saeyoung answered.

“Which home? And who’s us?” I asked.

“Home home. And you and Saeyoung,” Saeran answered this time. I nodded. I knew I needed help, I’ve known for a while and didn’t do anything about it. Look where it’s landed me, a hospital.

“If it’s okay, I’m going to sleep some more now,” I mumbled to them. Saeyoung smiled and nodded. I woke up a few hours later. I felt something by my side and looked to see Saeyoung leaning on me, asleep, still holding my hand. I smiled a bit. Maybe he does care. I just overreacted, took things too far. I should have trusted him.

“How are you feeling?” I heard Saeran softly ask. I moved my head to look at him. He looked uncomfortable, but concerned. I knew he had gone through similar things as I just did.

“Better I guess. I want to apologize to you,” I told him.

“For what?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“I’m sorry for trying to do what I was going to do…” I looked away.

“You don’t have to apologize. Your mind was just lying to you, telling you that was your only option. It happened, but we got there in time to stop you. I’m sorry it took us so long. I know it’s not a fun place to be in when you think that’s your last option. It’s hard, but you’re a lot stronger than I am (Y/N), you’ll be fine,” he responded. I was surprised. I had never heard of this. Someone not being angry for someone trying to end their life. But I suppose he knew what it felt like to have someone yell and ask what’s wrong with you when you do something like that. It was nice he didn’t.

“Thank you though. For saving me,” I told him.

“Thank you for letting me. I don’t want to lose you either. I’m sorry it took us so long.” I felt Saeyoung stirring in his sleep. He slowly lifted his face, his glass askew on him. He looked up at me and smiled a bit. “Good morning,” I told him.

“Morning. How are you?” he asked.

“Better.” Just then a doctor came in and asked about our plans. We told him I would leave and get into therapy. The doctor suggested I be under constant supervision, which I really wanted to oppose, but I knew I needed it. The doctor let us go, and we checked out. We headed back to my apartment. I decided to shower and make myself decent before returning to their universe. Before I could go into the bathroom, Saeran ran in. I was confused at first, until I saw him exit the bathroom with anything sharp or dangerous. He meekly smiled at me. I nodded. I knew he should. I got into the shower and it felt refreshing. I got out and changed. I walked out to my living room and informed the twins that I was ready. They nodded and we got on the bus to head to the portal. I was nervous, but also felt oddly calm. I was going back, sure my life would be slightly different now, but I was happy there. So I could be happy again right?

When we got through the portal, I once again was out for a day. When I woke up, Saeyoung and I talked about what was going to happen. He and Saeran decided that I should stay with them so someone could be with me, which I agreed to. He then gave me a few options of therapists to see so I could decide and make an appointment. I looked through the options and decided. We made our appointments for tomorrow. Saeyoung wanted to make sure I started early, which was probably best. The day was weird. I didn’t spend a minute alone, except for when I was in the bathroom, but even then, one of the twins would be waiting outside of the door for me. They made sure that I ate plenty, all three meals plus snacks. If I refused they would look at me and refuse to let me not eat. The twins each tried to give me space, but I knew it was hard when they wanted to make sure I wouldn’t do anything. I didn’t really have too many negative thoughts though. Around 4, I was watching a movie with Saeyoung when he broke the silence. “The RFA all wants to see you,” he began. “But only when you’re ready.”

“I think I could, maybe in a few days,” I paused. “And maybe only a few at a time. I don’t want to have to answer too many questions. Did you, you know, tell them what happened?”

“No, I don’t think it’s my place to do so. You can tell whoever you want and whenever you’re ready.” I nodded. I watched a smile creep up on his face. “Do you want to go get dinner somewhere? There’s a small cafe I know of that doesn’t get too crowded.” I thought about it. I hadn’t been out in a long time. I took a deep breath, I was nervous to go out. “Sure.” Saeyoung and I got up and ready to go out. I thought about changing out of my sweats, but decided not to. We told Saeran and then got into his car. The drive wasn’t too long. Their bunker is far outside of the city, but the cafe was in a nearby small town. When we got there, we walked in and ordered. It was nice. When we sat down to eat, it was silent for a bit. Neither of us really knew what to talk about. Soon, we were talking like normal again. Saeyoung made sure to make me laugh a lot. After we left, we went to a nearby park. I sat down on a swing next to Saeyoung and looked at the ground. I heard him chuckle. I looked over at him. “What?”

“It’s kinda like when I first met you right now. You, in sweats and your hair pulled back, in a park at night,” he replied with a smile.

“Yeah, I looked like a wreck then too.”

“I don’t think so, you look amazing to me.”

“Yeah whatever,” I said, moving to bump my swing into his. He laughed.

“I knew then that you struggled with mental health. I should have been better about it all,” he told me.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, it’s not like your mental health just suddenly gets better. You even told me how you felt! People are fine for a few days, maybe even weeks, but then it’ll all go downhill. When you told me how you felt, I should have been better at being there for you. Been better at showing you how I felt.” My breath caught in my throat. How he felt?.... Saeyoung looked at me and took my hands into his. He looked into my eyes and smiled. My heart felt like it was beating much faster than it ever should have. “I love you (Y/N). I have for so long. I was afraid to say it, I didn’t want to push you into anything. But I should have told you sooner. I should have told you that I am so in love with you. I should have told you how much I care about you, how much I want you to be happy. I should have said that I don’t want to be with anyone else, that I love your personality. I should have been more forward, I should have shown how much I cared. I should have told you that I loved you sooner. I love you. I do. I really do.” I began to cry a bit.

“Saeyoung, you know that what happened wasn’t your fault right?” I asked. He didn’t move. My chest began to hurt. He can’t think this is his fault. “It isn’t your fault. I knew how much you cared about me. It’s just my brain. I love you too Saeyoung. And I appreciate that you didn’t rush me into anything, even though I knew that I love you. I’m happy when I’m with you. And I’m going to work on my mental health, because I want to live. I want to live so that I can love you. Maybe it’s not the best reason, and it’s too dependent on someone, but for now, it’s what is stopping me from trying again.” I reached over and hugged Saeyoung. When he wrapped his arms around me I was reminded that someone cares. Even when I feel like that, someone cares. After a while, we made our way back to the bunker. I was still tired, so I headed to bed early. I slept for a few hours, before being woken up by bad dreams. I sighed as I sat up. I should be over this by now. Don’t go see him, he’s asleep. I decided to get up and get some water. When I got into the kitchen I noticed Saeran in there. He smiled at me.

“Can’t sleep?” he asked. I nodded. I knew he also struggled to sleep. He passed me a glass and I filled it. “What’s on your mind?” he asked.

“Everything,” I smiled. “Nothing dangerous though. How did you get through it?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m completely through it. There are definitely still days where I wonder why I’m even still here and trying. But it’s usually on the days that Saeyoung decides he needs to spend time with me. As annoying as he is, it helps.” I smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, it’s hard though.”

“It is, but it’s easier if you have people who help you. Saeyoung might not quite understand what it’s like, I’m here for you too (Y/N).” I looked at him.

“Thank you. I’m going to head back to bed, have a good night.”

“You too,” he replied. I headed back to my room, but hesitated before going in. It wouldn’t hurt anybody if I just...Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Saeyoung’s door. I could see a light coming through so I knew he was up. He was probably working. I knocked on the door and I heard him mumble to come in. He swung around in his chair and looked at me when I came in. “Oh (Y/N). Is something wrong?” he asked.

“No, well...kinda. I just had a dream that woke me up. What are you still doing up?” I asked him.

“Well, I was working, but now it seems I have something more important to do.” I furrowed my brows.

“What?” I asked. He got and came toward me before hugging me.

“Making sure you get to sleep,” he answered. He picked me up and put me on his bed.

“Oh uh, are you sure? I’m fine alone…” I mumbled, embarrassed. He nodded.

“Yep! God 707 is here to make sure his 606 sleeps comfortably!” I shook my head. He wrapped his arms around me as he laid down. It felt wrong, but also right to be next to him. I smiled into his chest. Maybe, with you here, I can get through this. I can get through the thoughts my mind has put me through for years.

SUMMARY FOR THOSE THAT WANTED TO SKIP OVER IT:

Basically, Saeyoung and Saeran saved (Y/N) when he got to their universe. They took them to a hospital to get them immediate help, before returning to their universe. The twins decided to keep (Y/N) under constant supervision, so their first day with the twins was weird being followed around. Saeyoung and (Y/N) decide to go out to eat at a small, empty cafe. They head to a park afterwards where they are honest with their feelings to each other. They return to the bunker, where (Y/N) has a bad dream and is woken up. They have a short conversation with Saeran about how hard it is dealing with mental health, before going to Saeyoung, who decides to make sure they sleep comfortably.

#saeyoung choi #saeyoung choi x reader #707 #707 x reader #mystic messenger #fanfic

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i-loves-my-lemurs · 3 years

Note

Hi, I was reading your writers commentary. I love it so much! Do you have any commentary on "Shadows and Terror"? Its my personal favorite. I'd also love to see some commentary on your lovely sugarbuns fic.

Ah, thank you! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, I'm still drowning in coursework and stuff, but I appreciate the ask!

This was my first oneshot I wrote for this fandom, Ted centric this time! I just wanted to see the characters acknowledge their trauma a bit more, so I wrote this for Ted and Pancho. Enjoy the commentary!

.............

*One jab after another at his skin with that sharp spear... water suddenly burst from every wall and flooded them and-*

Ted's nightmare was a mash up of his various scary experiences from Exiled, because of course I couldn't just pick one! He was scared while fighting the war, combined with the loneliness and terror of being cooped up in the submarine, thinking he was trapped alone with a monster. As well as the sub sinking, that couldn't have been fun for him.

This takes place some time after the victory party, but slightly before the first episode of season 5. Just enough time to put some distance between the adrenaline of the war and the partying, and allow the weight of the experience to truly catch up with Ted.

*his eyes wide in terror. He frantically looked this way and that, checking the shadows around the room*

The title of the fic is incooperated in this paragraph, but it actually took me a super long time to pick a title. I eventually re-read some sections and thought, yeah this sounds good. Shadows and Terror still sounds a little fancy for this work tbh.

*looked up to see Dorothy standing about him*

I decided not to being Ted and Dorothy's marital problems into this, so they're very sweet with each other and they both care a lot.

(Also instead of about it's meant to say above, argh, embarrassing typo!)

*She quickly released him, seeing how jumpy he was*

Dorothy doesn't quite know what's going on with Ted, but she's trying to be supportive the best way she can.

*it reminded him of those long nights in the submarine when Julien*

Ted's train of thought runs away with him here, he's still half caught up in the dream poor guy, and suddenly he's having a flashback to the sub.

*Pancho was whining about their whining*

I can see Pancho just getting very fed up with consistent negativity when he's trying to focus on driving the sub, even if he too is just concerned about the kingdom. I wrote this fic before I started shipping panchulien actually, the early days.

*Ted had just quietly sat down in the corner of the room,*

Poor Ted, I imagine he definitely wasn't complaining as much as the others, he had been alone on the sub for longer than them and just needed a hug.

*All he could hear now was his own breathing, short and panting, and Dorothy, oh heck, she was talking*

Ted zones back to reality, the fic is written from his POV so you can read along his thought process. As he comes back to reality, realising Dorothy is talking completely throws him off guard.

*I just... I guess I'm still jumpy from the whole mountain lemur, submarine fiasco."*

Ted sort of dances around the issue, he doesn't even want to directly mention the word 'war'. He only hints at the things that are scaring him to try and keep Dorothy's worry to a minimum, and because talking about it will make it even more real.

*rubbed the fur on his head, something which he often found soothing*

These lemurs need to groom each other more!!! I get the feeling Ted and Dorothy might like physical contact if one of them is upset (not if they're upset because of each other obviously), but grooming would be a comfort to many of the lemurs, especially physically affectionate Ted.

*tried to force himself to relax*

Poor leem, he just wants the scary stuff to be over so he can be alright and be sunny old Ted again, but unfortunately for him, things aren"t that simple.

*his tail stiffening like it did under imposed threat. He even heard a low growl being forced from his throat*

I'm not sure if I actually researched if lemurs do this, or if I made it up on the spot, but it seems like something they might do when threatened (any experts want to weigh in?).

*She could tell Ted was still tense from the way he was clutching his tail. "Look, maybe you should see Doctor S?"*

As much as Ted tries to hide it, Dorothy can tell something is wrong. Despite their problems, it's obvious that she cares very deeply for him and she just wants to see him be himself again.

*Yep!" Ted tried to sound as merry as he wanted to feel.*

Ted is definitley the sort to try and put on a facade of everything being okay, especially when Dorothy is involved. Secretly he knows it can't be like this forever, but he wants to pretend for as long as he can. Kind of like his marriage. That's also why he wants to be away from Dorothy. He knows she can see right through his little facade and he's not ready to face the truth yet.

*"At this time of night?"*

This takes place at around two in the morning, late enough for Ted, Dorothy and most of the kingdom's subjects to be asleep, but still early enough for Pancho Horst and Willie to still be partying.

*Ted couldn't help but clutch at his tail as he walked....bit his lip as he tuned into the sounds of the jungle all around him.*

Ted would totally hold his tail like a snuggie to comfort himself. And since he's already jumping at shadows, being alone in a place where the war was just fought would terrify him. Even though he's lived in the jungle all his life, the war has left him so wary of danger that everything feels very scary and unfamiliar.

*Snoring lemurs who weren't paralysed in fear by nightmares and memories.*

Ted feels a little left out and jealous as the rest of the kingdom is able to sleep and move on from the war. It makes him feel isolated, which is why finding solace with Pancho is important for him later in the fic.

*Sweet mango juice, what was he thinking*

I tried to copy Ted's exclamative speaking style here, but it doesn't quite match up to how it sounds in the show. Oop.

*sign that read 'MANGO TANGO'*

Fun fact, I tried to get the bar's title to be in italics, but a03 glitches on me and turned the entire text into italics, and because coding is a nightmare and I just decided to have it in caps instead.

*Ted recognised Horst, Willie and Pancho.*

These guys are drinking buddies. CANNON!

*"The stinking drink's in your hand, you buffoon!" Pancho said grumpily*

I'm not 100% happy with the way Pancho is written here, but it is pretty good for a first attempt. It kind of makes sense though, Pancho was having a good time with his pals and is a little annoyed that their night has to end. Also he's annoyed at himself for letting Horst get into this state.

*Pancho winked at him*

Small hint at panched in there, it was my first ship for this show and I still think it's neat.

*which he promptly collapsed onto seconds later.*

Poor Willie, he's just very done now, and needs sleep. Pancho just didn't want their partying to end, so he unwittingly wore his homies down on their night out.

*"You wanna come back to the Mango Tango with me?"*

Pancho is still very desperate to keep the night going, even if it isn't with his drinking buddies. He just needs company.

*Pancho released Ted almost immediately. "Sorry, I just, don't want to be alone." Pancho muttered, looking embarrassed.

Ted was a little surprised by his outburst, but deep down, he knew he might have done the same thing.*

Ah, poor babies. I thrive off the angst.

*exited Willie's hut and shut the door behind them.*

Courtesy.

*Together, they climbed*

Ted and Pancho sort of have a kindred spirit vibe going here. They're both going through similar experiences and avoiding them by being out at night. They need each other, even if they don't know it.

*tall tree that had many different people's huts in it*

Baobab tree? Is that what you were going for, past me?

*Pancho chuckled as he continued to stare out across the jungle. "I'm not sure if I ever went to lemur school." He said eventually.*

Now that they're up above the village and everything, Pancho's beginning to slow down and their conversations become more meaningful. He's put some distance between his late night drinking and now he just wants some solidarity in his pain and meaningful company, which, thankfully, Ted can give.

*he really didn't know much about Pancho's side of things.*

I have to wonder what the POV of people who weren't directly involved in Panchurian would be. I think Ted would probably be quite confused about what happened to Pancho, and why he suddenly has a house now and everything. But hes too polite to ask, so it's only now he finds out.

*Ted sighed and glanced up at Pancho*

Ted sort of looks up to Pancho after seeing how brave and badass he was in Exiled, and he's always veiwed Pancho as this macho, confident swagger guy, and hopes that he might be a source of consolation that could help Ted feel 'normal' again.

*"but even when that something's over and you know it's never going to hurt you again you just can't help being terrified"*

All this would definitley resonate with Pancho and the first thing he does is to encourage Ted to do what's best for him because he cares. He doesn't want Ted to end up like him because of trauma.

*"Don't apologise." He said. Ted glanced back at him. "It's, uh, it's alright to get scared by that stuff"*

Pancho shows Ted that it's okay to be scared, because if Ted continues to bottle up his feelings then he won't be Ted anymore.

*"You know I got brainwashed, right?"*

Poor Panchy just wants to open up to someone. He's been shoving his feelings down, but now it's all coming to the surface because of how he relates to Ted right now. He needs some more chances to talk about the things that haunt him.

*"Soft!" Ted exclaimed, hands on his hips.*

Ted was a little hung up on being a 'tough guy' after Exiled, so that shows through here.

*"And I'm assistant captain of the ringtail guard!"*

This little rant feels very in character for Ted. I enjoyed writing it.

*"but I just can't bring myself to pay them a wedding visit!"*

A wedding visit was a custom in the olden days of England, and I can absolutely see Ted doing it and bringing the newly weds gifts.

*leaned back against the branch they were sitting on.*

At the beginning of this scene, Pancho was clutching the tree trunk, now he's relaxed. He's feeling more comfortable with Ted.

*"Why don't you talk to your wife, she'll help."*

Helps to establish a functioning support system. Pancho knows Ted has people he can turn to, so encourages him to do so.

I am completely all for this friendship. Ted would help Pancho with his issues without hesitation, and obviously I wrote this with the idea that nobody would be completely okay after Exiled. I just wanted to explore their issues further, and for my first fic in this fandom, I think it's pretty good.

...............

And that's it! Thanks again for the ask :)

#wow i haven't posted anything in a while #(it's barely been 2 days but still)#ask #friend ask #fanfic commentary #trauma mention #fanfiction #ahkj

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volturialice · 4 years

Text

Spork Haven chapter 23: salt fucking peter

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward got an outlandish fucking award and became Best Actor!Edward! hotel maid murder witness cello prodigy orphaned ““cajun”” heiress!Bella was his date to the awards show! Ed looked into Emmett’s dark burning eyes and had a Moment! Bella felt dizzy and then went missing! will the Volturi mafia succeed in murdering her? let’s hope so stick around and find out!

warning: this chapter is incredibly long. please check the tags for content warnings—there are a lot! it’s eventful, though, so we’ll give it a pass. but settle in and make yourself comfortable. maybe go get a drink or something. I know I needed a drink after I read this garbage.

chapter 23 opens with Edward attempting to process the fact that Bella has disappeared. he does this in what I have to admit is a pretty seamless fusion of el james’s and stephenie meyer’s trademark styles (negative space here preserved for authenticity):

wow. eat your heart out, New Moon.

once we’ve experienced that bit of totally original typesetting magic, Edward leaps into action!

just kidding. he’s “totally fucking immobilized.” paralyzed with fear, he “stifles a sob” and toys with whether to “wail, scream, and tear his hair out with impotence”

luckily, he’s very good at giving himself pep talks:

this bracing self-administered kick in the pants unfreezes him, allowing him to summon the mental faculties to go get Emmett.

Emmett clears the ladies’ room and calls for backup. He and Edward search the restroom and are joined by a rando Local security guard as they discover—gasp!—a secret second exit to the bathroom (shoutout to the phoenix airport womens’ room, amirite?) leading into a service tunnel.

the Local security guard informs them that the tunnel leads to an alley, but the alley’s only exit is onto Hollywood Boulevard. you know, the street currently clogged with limos, paparazzi, cameras, and fans. idk about y’all but I’m starting to think this kidnap attempt may have been just a tad poorly conceived. why kidnap her at all? they had ample time to kill her, dump her body in the service tunnel, and make their escape unencumbered.

as Ed, Emmett, and Local race down the service tunnel, Emmett radios for Jasper to go around and cut the Bad Guys off in the alley. Edward is the slowest of the bunch

so he quickly falls behind the other two.

he’s trying to catch up when—wait! what’s that on the ground? something...sparkly?

that’s right: he pauses in chasing after Bella and her kidnapper in order to notice “six thousand dollars’ worth of earring” lying on the ground.

then he stops and picks it up.

now, I know what you’re thinking, guys—is he seriously stopping to pick up a lost earring when Bella’s life is in danger?—but keep in mind, these earrings were twelve thousand dollars. also, Edward loves earrings! they make him horny! what else is he supposed to suck on at Bella’s funeral?

I mean, yeah, if your worst fear was that Bella might lose an earring.

what indeed, Edward. what indeed.

imagine for a second that you’re Emmett in this fic. you’re a law enforcement professional racing to protect your charge’s life, bellowing into your walkie for backup, preparing to apprehend an armed and dangerous suspect in an area full of innocent civilians...when suddenly, from somewhere far behind you in the dingy gloom of the service tunnel, you hear the sniveling, British-accented voice of the bitchass manchild celebrity who’s tagging along:

“I’vE fOuNd hEr eArRiNg!”

jesus.

still ahead of Eddie boy, Emmett and Local burst out into the alley, guns drawn. Edward hears gunfire and is terrified for Bella as he finally catches up and arrives at the scene.

this is about where erika’s writing gets...incredibly confusing. and not in a POV, “we’re in the character’s head experiencing the chaos with him in real time” way. more like in a “several dozen drunk blind amputees playing Twister” way. this is my cute way of saying “it’s bad” and “I had to read it four times before it began to make sense.”

in the alley, all is chaos. a gun has just gone off

I’m sorry. salt...peter? saltpeter? did someone shoot off a Ye Olde Civil War Musket? I know fuckall about firearms and even I know they phased that shit out in the fucking 1880s.

and while we’re here, fun trivia fact about saltpeter: in Olden Times, people would ingest saltpeter in order to nuke their sex drives. silly Olden Times! if it’s a bonerkiller you’re after, all you have to do is read this fic!

ok, back to the alley. security are cordoning it off, keeping the “fucking jackal” paparazzi at bay (already?)

the LAPD are arriving (already??)

but perhaps most interestingly,

real quick before we get into whose body it is, why we’re sexually objectifying it, and what it’s oozing, I just wanna draw your attention to the construction of that sentence. the artistry, if you will. below, I have replaced some of the nouns so that we may all appreciate the sheer poetry of the syntax:

“there’s a fucking meatball lying prone on the floor, all covered with cheese, a dark cloud oozing under the meatball.”

sitting a few feet away from the Skirt & Heels Body™ is Jasper, cradling the unconscious Bella. you could be forgiven for thinking that first body (you know, the oozing one) was Bella’s, because that’s what the narration wants you to think. the effect is somehow both enhanced and ruined by the fact that Bella’s actual body is mentioned in the next sentence. erika really tried to have her suspense cake and eat it too, with the result that by the time I finished reading this paragraph, I had absolutely no idea how many bodies there were or who they belonged to, which ones had on a skirt and heels, which ones were oozing, and where.

another excerpt I should probably share is the paragraph where we describe Edward reacting to this tragic pietà.

here’s our text, raw and unedited:

I can’t even begin to list all the ways this paragraph makes me uncomfortable, so I won’t attempt to.

anyway. remember how in the last chapter, there was an incredibly gay bit where Edward looked into Emmett’s dark, burning eyes? fasten your seatbelts because we’re about to blow that bit out of the water.

ｌｕｍｉｎｏｕｓｈａｚｅｌｅｙｅｓ

filled with

𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝑒𝓂𝑜𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝐼 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓃𝒶𝓂𝑒

the next sentence tries to take us back into heterosexual territory with

are we meant to understand that Jasper’s luminous hazel eyes are saying “don’t you just wish it was you getting to cradle Bella’s unconscious, injured body?” yes, that is exactly what we’re meant to understand. this attitude continues as Bella is loaded into an ambulance. at first, Jasper tries to stop Edward from coming, then the paramedic says they can both come but only if they sit on opposite sides of the ambulance like kindergarteners in Time Out.

l o n g i n g l y

the paramedics also checked the other body (you know, the oozing skirt and heels body) and Edward made a startling observation:

though oozing, the mystery person is still alive, and a second ambulance hauls off

and here I was thinking all this story needed to make it complete was some veiled transphobia! what a fun new direction for erika.

once at the hospital, Ed is banished to the waiting room with Emmett, Jasper, and Taylor. the doctors won’t let him see Bella, even when he tells them he’s her fiancé.

hmm. is it just me or is there a movie about this exact scenario?

yep, there are at least two movies about this exact scenario.

after the “fiancé” thing, Edward picks up on some bad vibes from Jasper

interesting. can you feel MY animosity hit you like a brick fucking wall? I guess it’s more of a brick fucking skyscraper at this point.

things we learn at the hospital:

Bella was roofied! so if you voted “poisoned” in the poll, I’m gonna give you this one. congrats on your victory.

Bella is fine now

Jasper shot the mysterious kidnapper in the chest.

that’s right, Jasper is the cause of all the oozing. well done, Jasper. good luminous hazel eye.

finally, Bella wakes up and asks to see Edward. He goes back to see her

and

she

dumps his ass.

not for any Sane People reasons, of course. having decided she’s “too dangerous to be around,” she breaks up with him in a scene straight out of New Moon, complete with “eyes full of tortured pain” and dialogue like

“You are too precious to me. Please. Go.”

Edward spends the whole scene in panicked denial, to the point where he’s practically gaslighting Bella, telling her she’s just been through a traumatic ordeal and she can’t possibly mean what she’s saying.

then he interrupts her mid-breakup

to fucking propose.

🤣🤣🤣 READ THE ROOM, BUDDY. Bella is resolute for the first time in her doormat life, turns down the proposal, and firmly breaks things off with Edward. he returns her earring (you remember, the six thousand dollar earring we paused in the middle of the climactic chase scene to pick up), “inhales her fragrant hair for the last time,” and leaves.

and with that, the chapter is FINALLY over.

possibility.mp3

best “fucks”

“level fucking head”

“a fucking microsecond”

“fucking sirens”

“loud fucking noises”

“enough fucking damage”

“a soothing fucking balm”

“fucking Hale”

“fucking purgatory” (the hospital waiting room)

“pale as fuck” (bella)

“fucking lifeless” (bella)

“non-believing fucking arse” (edward)

“like a fucking idiot” (edward)

best “shits”

next chapter: fucking blinds and curtains

#spork haven #twilight fanfiction #twilight revival #anti e.l. james #long post //#transphobia //#drugs //#guns //#injury //#blood //

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littlestsnicket · 4 years

Note

⭐

thanks!! (this got out of hand, but I had fun thinking about these things :D)

I’m going to talk about “Promise not to lie, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll tell the truth”

First, this title is ridiculously long, and I clearly remember having one of those, fuck, ao3 will not let me post this without a title moments, but I kind of like it; it works.

Second, I’ve done this a lot less in this fandom (where as like... i think all of my doctor who fic is like this) but the easiest fic for me to write are the ones where I read a fic and think, well that’s not quite right. And I had read a bunch of Violet is a Snicket fic and none of it was quite right. Which is definitely not a slight on the people who wrote it (a lot of it is really good! it just didn’t jive right with my personal understanding of the characters and themes of the series, and well... a lot of it seemed more influenced by netflix than the books), so I went and wrote my own.

Cut because I went through a nearly 2000 word long fic practically paragraph by paragraph.

“What a coincidence, I was about to make myself some tea,” said Violet. Even though this was an entirely plausible statement, Violet was certain it sounded like a bald faced lie, and she was certain by the way Lemony’s eyebrows drew together, that he thought so too, but he took a second mug from the cabinet above the stove, placed it next to his own on the counter, and dropped in a second tea bag. Violet thought she caught him scanning the room for exits, but it might not mean anything—Lemony did that constantly. She sat down at the worn kitchen table.

I like the idea of characters letting each other get away with lies. And I also think it’s important to asoue--there’s a reading of a lot of things that happen with disguises (like when Klaus and Sunny disguise themselves as doctors, and Madame Lulu, and maybe even Olaf disguising himself as Stephano) where I think there is some vfd *thing* where you are trained not to call people out on lies unless you are certain you have more to gain from doing so than you might gain from playing along and seeing what else happens. That’s not terribly related to this fic, but it’s something I was thinking about when I wrote Lemony letting on to Violet that he didn’t really believe she wanted tea, but going along with it anyway (and then Violet doesn’t even drink the tea (but that’s maybe not super clear from the way I wrote it), so Lemony knows at the end... and of course they are both very observant and spend a lot of time watching people both as a matter of personality and circumstance.)

“Thank you for finding us, Mr Snicket, and reuniting our family.”

One of the things I’ve put a lot of thought into is how characters use names/nicknames/titles. It’s something I became very concerned about when I was writing Twin Peaks fic, and I carried it along to this fandom too. And I really liked the idea of Violet using Lemony in her head but still calling him Mr Snicket out loud until they resolve their relationship.

“I couldn’t say no to Beatrice,” he responded without looking at her.

And then Lemony half denying that he’s done anything special or admirable. I tend not to think of Lemony as particularly self hating, although I don’t know if it comes across that way (especially in “platonic equivalent of hate sex” but that’s from Olaf’s pov and he sees Lemony in a certain way that is not necessarily accurate). This has more to do with Lemony not wanting to make moral judgements about himself, or really allow other people to commit to making moral judgements about himself. Which could certainly be read as self hating, but I think has more to do with pragmatism and a result of his world view which is very accommodating of moral grayness (except when it very much is NOT at all--like no one is ever all good in Lemony’s head, but there are certain people that Lemony allows himself to think of as 100% bad even though he intellectually knows otherwise).

but she was nearly twenty six now and the guardian of a child; she understood now that nothing, but especially trying to do right by a child, was ever as straightforward to an adult as it was to a young person.

The idea that Violet should be a properly grown up adult for this conversation was very much a reaction to reading other fic. It’s also the only thing that makes sense with my head canons about the timeline of when things happen/books are published. And this is also a sort of reference to atwq where Lemony has the line about children inevitably becoming adults that I am not going to look up.

“I know you were engaged to my mother,” Violet said.

I’m not sold on this. Violet is Bertrand’s child, and this sounds like more of a Beatrice/Klaus thing to say--it’s so very direct. But (a) given how relatively short I keep my fic, I needed to cut to the chase and (b) this was pretty early in my involvement in fandom. While most of the things I think about Lemony are things I’ve been thinking about since I was, idk, twelve or thirteen (Lemony has ALWAYS been my favorite), I had to flesh out Beatrice, Bertrand, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny a lot to be able to write them.

Then the next bit of dialogue--it was important to me to establish that Violet and Klaus (and Sunny too) had been researching Lemony. And there is a lot of information out there about Lemony. (And maybe the Baudelaire parents have been deliberately keeping their children away from information about Lemony, because the Quagmires are familiar with him in tvv--and the particular way they bring it up makes it seem like general knowledge not something that they discovered researching Olaf.) For one thing, I think the Baudelaire’s (especially Klaus) would research Lemony, but it was also important to me to sort of... balance out the amount of knowledge Lemony has about them.

And then of course, there is the thesis of the fic:

“Violet, I have always believed that genetics are a negligible part of paternity. And somewhat selfishly, if I were to think of myself as a father figure—even in a limited capacity, I would have to admit I was a monstrous failure.”

The idea that Lemony hasn’t already worked through his feelings about having a kid (in the strange capacity that he does) is just ridiculous to me. Like... families of choice is one of the KEY THEMES of the book series he wrote. It’s almost a non-issue. And I think when we see Lemony being completely un-self aware, that’s a deliberate rather than passive act on his part. All that performative grief we see in his narration isn’t something that just happens, it’s something he’s actively doing because he cannot deal with the complexity of his actual feelings. Where as this is something he’s worked through and consciously let himself off the hook for, and can concisely and accurately explain to Violet. Because he’s an adult. And even as a child in atwq, he’s pretty self aware about the things he’s not deliberately lying to himself about.

He placed one mug on the placemat in front of Violet, although the wood of the table top was so scratched and damaged one would never be able to pick out one more ring of water.

This might be my favorite thing I’ve written in this fandom, and it just... the thing about not using coasters being a sign of evil. I will never get over that. it’s so perfect. Because, when it comes down to it, evil is synonymous with carelessness. And giving up on the idea that small acts of care are worthwhile. And how that is so core to who Lemony is as a person and what being a Volunteer actually means.

blue gray like the sea during a storm—the same blue gray eyes she saw when she looked at Beatrice, the same blue gray eyes that looked back at her from the mirror.

(a) I wanted to connect the Snickets to the sea--it seemed important, and (b) I have a random and unfounded head canon that the Snicket siblings don’t look at all alike besides having the exact same color eyes--so that is the “Snicket” trait that Violet has as well.

I already talked about the name thing, so I’m going to skip a head a tiny bit. When I wrote this, it was really important that the fic actually be about something other than Violet being genetically a Snicket--it was the only way to show that it’s really a non issue. So Violet and Lemony talk about the Baudelaire parents and casually refer to them as such without any caveats because that’s the truth.

“Sometimes, it feels like I didn’t know my parents at all. They had so many secrets, so many things they never told us.”

“I am all too familiar with that feeling. I knew your parents quite well; I would like to help if I can.”

And this is Lemony breaking one of the many negative cycles of vfd involvement. And, despite their genetic relation, Lemony is going to interact with Violet primarily as a friend of her parents, and a someone who fundamentally understands what she is going through in loosing ones parents especially in situation of not really knowing what they were thinking.

I’m going to skip ahead to the sugar bowl bit because the discussion about moral ambiguity and what the Baudelaire parents would have wanted pretty much is what it is. Lemony is able to give Violet closure that I think she really needed. It’s nice. It’s what I want for her. I think it’s something Lemony knows Jacques didn’t have and needed as the eldest sibling.

Yeah... there is nothing in the sugar bowl. I am sorry. Those are the facts. It’s also something Lemony is not comfortable telling Violet. He wants to prepare her for disappointment, but she doesn’t have the context to really get it yet. Even though Lemony hints at it earlier (”they would be proud to have raised children who were brave and resourceful enough to barter the location of the sugar bowl for their sister’s safety”). That the Baudelaire’s instinctively understood the real value of the sugar bowl. Also, I was already planning what ended up becoming “To share a kitchen” at this point. The original draft was primarily focused on Sunny figuring out what was in the sugar bowl, and that being something that Lemony wasn’t comfortable telling anyone because it’s something that one has to figure out for ones self. But that ended up being kind of tangential to that story in the end.

Violet was silent and perfectly still, puzzling over all of this not terribly helpful information, as Lemony finished his tea.

Call back to Lemony saying “he was so still and quiet when he was thinking through a puzzle”. Because Violet is Bertrand’s daughter.

“Thank you, at least, for not telling me it is too dangerous for me to know.”

“My track record is far from perfect, but I do make a sincere attempt to keep my word.”

This is a direct refute of Widdershins saying that it’s too dangerous for young people to know what is in the sugar bowl. That was very deliberate. Lemony and Widdershins have some shit to work out. I don’t know that they ever get the chance. (I tend to think Widdershins doesn’t know what is in the sugar bowl. And that is a beginning of the rift between them; they seem close in atwq and Lemony seems so casually disdainful of him by the time he is writing tgg.)

And then the last paragraph is just... Lemony is not and never is going to play the role of a father figure for Violet, but they are a FAMILY in the way that matters--they’re comforted by each other’s presence and the small noises they make when going about their normal habits.

And that is that!

#ask meme #tangentially #mayo talks about writing #this seems like the work of an insane person #but i own it

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plounce · 6 years

Text

compilation post of whichever bbc america employee who wrote the captain’s blogs being an ally and a hero via treating janto as more than just a sex joke, being genuinely warm and funny, and mentioning ianto super fondly in nearly every single entry (especially s2) because jack is in love with him despite what everyone else would have you believe. but i, a gay, know, and so does bbc america social media staffer circa 2007-2008.

some may call this “fringe canon.” i call it “some of the only specks of canon that respect the show’s canon gay relationship as the loving and affectionate relationship that it is.”

text pulled from ianto’s desktop, which is a fun read despite the defunct photobucket embeds - i only included captain’s blog stuff, but there’s a couple more janto tidbits in there. none as nice as these, though. under a cut because it is Long.

season 1

(one really cool thing the writer did for early season one is have jack note unexplained energy surges in the lower levels of the hub - handy foreshadowing for cyberwoman)

1x03 (ghost machine - alien tech leads to murder mystery):

Other issues: According to Ianto, Splott is pronounced "Sploe". I think Ianto may have been lying.

Upcoming issues: Energy surges in the lower areas of the hub still unexplained; there have been several more in the past week. Ianto volunteered to investigate, but has not discovered an explanation yet.

1x04 (cyberwoman - the episode where ianto’s secrets are revealed and we all have a Bad Time):

Other Staff issues: Ianto Jones temporarily suspended from active duty, to return at my discretion. His love for Lisa clouded his judgment, and he made some serious mistakes - but I have to wonder if I would have done the same thing in his situation. Ianto's personal needs and emotional state have been overlooked; I should not have missed something like this. During his suspension, I will try to spend more time with him. Hopefully we can establish a closer working relationship.

1x05 (small worlds - the one where the “fairies” abduct the little girl and jack has to let them, which makes everyone else very mad at him):

Staff: Ianto Jones' first week back after his suspension four weeks ago. I have tried to put him at ease, and have briefed the team to be as sympathetic as possible. Obviously there is a level of resentment remaining, but they are trying.

Other Staff issues: After what happened with Jasmine, nobody is talking to me (except Ianto). They'll come around. Everyone comes around.

1x06 (countrycide - the one with the cannibals and we all have a Bad Time):

Staff: Brought Ianto Jones along to get him out of the Hub, out of the city, get some relaxing time in the country with the team. May not have been the best decision I made this year.

1x07 (greeks bearing gifts - mindreading and predatory lesbian, the episode):

Other Staff issues: Ianto is still suffering, but putting on a brave face. Will try talking to him over dinner, outside the Hub, see if there's anything more I can do for him.

1x08 (they keep killing suzie - the episode that ends with ianto hitting on jack with a stopwatch):

Other Staff issues: Ianto and I stayed back to go over the case files and reorganize the safe. Internal security cameras were temporarily shut down to run diagnostic tests, so there was no monitoring of the Hub for approximately four hours - but there were no security breaches to report. Everything went very smoothly.

Upcoming issues: Need to requisition a new stopwatch. Old one damaged while moving a desk.

1x09 (random shoes - outsider pov, the episode):

Staff: Things seem to be calming down with everyone. Ianto is coping well; I'm pleased with his progress.

1x11 (combat - owen has manpain and fights weevils. whatever):

Other Staff issues: Ianto surprisingly proficient at the good cop/bad cop routine. Although obviously, he's the good cop. He's too cute to be the bad cop.

1x12 (captain jack harkness - jack and tosh are stuck back in time during the cardiff blitz and owen and ianto fight about what to do about it):

Other Staff issues: Ianto tried to stop Owen opening the Rift, and actually shot him in the shoulder. Everyone except Owen is finding this very amusing.

season 2

2x01 (kiss kiss bang bang - jack returns from his doctor who appearance, deals with his terrible ex spike from buffy, and asks ianto out on a proper date):

Other Staff issues: Gwen is now engaged. I'm happy for her, but I'm concerned about what it might mean - can she stay here, still keeping everything from Rhys? I worry that we're going to lose her. And I worry about Ianto. I think he took it harder than anyone when I ran off. It's going to take me a while to make things up to him. He is a decent, good man, and I'm lucky I met him.

2x02 (sleeper agent - the episode with sleeper agents):

Other security issues: Gwen taken hostage again. I’m beginning to think she’s jinxed. And why am I never taken hostage? I could be a good hostage. I never get any of that Stockholm Syndrome action. And according to Ianto, my bad cop routine needs some work.

Other Staff issues: I’m in trouble with Ianto for duct-taping a CB aerial to the SUV. Apparently the tape made the wing mirror “disconcertingly sticky”. Still, nothing a bit of warm, soapy water can’t fix.

2x03 (a man out of time - tosh’s cryo-boyfriend they unfreeze once every year. also, jack and ianto Have A Talk and then make out):

Other Staff issues: Ianto and I made some progress, talked things through. What happened with Tommy got to us all. I know it got to Gerald and Harriet, too, back then, considering what they went through to try and make up for it – but that’s another story for another day.

2x04 (meat - the episode with the whale and rhys finding out. some of the team gets taken hostage and ianto tazes a bad guy in the head and growls out “pray they survive.” or something and it’s VERY GOOD TELEVISION):

Staff: Ianto turned into a fighting, kicking, stun-gun machine, it was very exciting. I must get put in danger more often.

2x05 (adam - an alien infiltrates their memories and inserts himself into the team, and his plot is foiled by ianto reading his diary and finding inconsistencies because he’s Very Clever):

Other security issues: The only thing out of place was Ianto’s diary, which I found in my office. Naturally, I gave it back to him immediately after reading through it. Several interesting factual errors in there - and I thought he would know how to convert inches to centimetres. You think you know someone...

2x06 (reset - martha visits and owen ‘dies’):

Security: Must speak to Ianto about using names from ‘’Sex and the City’’ on fake IDs. Last week he sent me into an alien smuggling operation as ‘’Mr Big’’, without telling me. Wish I knew how he kept a straight face. I’d give him a stern talking-to, but I think he enjoys that too much.

(right after this is a very solemn paragraph about owen dying lmfao)

2x07 (dead man walking - jack resurrects owen and owen has manpain about it):

Other Staff issues: In big trouble with Ianto for risking everything to go and get the second glove. I should have told him before I went, but he’d probably have cuffed me to the chair to stop me. And I’ve fallen for that one way too many times.

2x08 (a day in the death - owen continues to have manpain):

Other Staff issues: Now that we have all tried, it is clear that only Ianto knows how to operate that damn coffee maker. I suspect it contains alien technology.

2x09 (something borrowed - gwen gets married, but not before playing host to shapeshifting pregnancy alien):

Security: ... Female Nostrovite proved to be extremely resilient to bullets, so I had to get my massive weapon out and take care of business. Ianto is still quietly chuckling about that now, days later. Gwen’s mother taken hostage. Must run in the family.

2x10 (from out of the rain - the terribly written ianto-’centric’ episode about circus film reel ghosts):

Alien activity: ... We only managed to save one of them, but that’s better than nothing. Sometimes in this job, one is enough. I can still see the faces of the people we lost - they weren’t part of this, they were just living their lives, until they were taken. Ianto took it badly, this one really got to him.

Staff: Have convinced Ianto to take me to a normal cinema, to see an actual movie. He’s also curious to know if I still have my old circus outfit. If I can find it, I think a private show is in order.

2x11 (adrift - gwen pursues a mystery about the people the rift takes and then puts back traumatized, even though jack resists. ianto is the one who gives her the info she needs. she also walks in on them naked in the greenhouse. wild):

Staff: Gwen would never have found the facility if Ianto hadn’t helped her. He was wrong to do that. But, of course, he was actually right in the end. There’s no way Gwen would have let it go. I should have trusted her with the information, but I knew what it would do to her. Sometimes, the only way to realise that you shouldn’t look behind that door is to actually go and look. Gwen learned that. Nikki learned that. We all did.

Other Staff issues: Seeing Gwen experience it for the first time took me right back to when I first heard that terrible scream. After Gwen had gone home, I just held on to Ianto for a couple of hours, as tightly as I could.

2x12 (fragments - a bomb explodes and everyone gets a flashback to how they joined torchwood 3 as jack and gwen rescue them from the rubble):

Staff: Everyone came out of the explosion pretty beaten up, but no major damage. We got lucky. And so did John. Because if he’d killed anyone - if he had hurt Ianto - I would have slowly ripped him limb from limb.

Other Staff issues: Although I have to say, Ianto does look good all messed up and dirty.

2x13 (exit wounds - jack’s brother comes back and blows up half of cardiff and kills owen and tosh):

Other Staff issues: The one glimmer of hope in all this? I still have Ianto and Gwen. Whatever the future throws at us, whatever madness the Rift vomits out next, whatever we have to face - Torchwood will be ready.

Capt. Jack Harkness.

Ianto, I know you’re reading this over my shoulder, pretending to fix that damn shelf. So get over here and take me out somewhere.

#chirps #janto #torchwood

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