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myvillainfam · 1 year

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A story based on my life and the story told in Xdinary Heroes' Good Enough.

We became best friends at a time that we both felt so lonely and lost. I can't imagine my life without you. Who would have gotten me out of that dark black pit of blueness? Where would I be now? Would I still be the same person? Would I still be here?

We've grown apart now, but the time we spent talking into the late night and the deep talks, only the stars know. I miss the days we spent together.

Did it hurt you that I dated someone other than you? I'm not surprised if you didn't. but it did hurt me when you started to date someone else. and it was so unfair.

I didn't know what to do with myself at that point.

I tried to ignore you for a bit, but that hurt more than when I sat next to you, while you lovingly stared at her.

You are unfortunately very perceptive. I excused my pulling away as trying to give you privacy but really the privacy was for my own feelings. I really didn't want you to notice my feelings. So I stood by as your best friend. (Am I still your best friend at this point?)

I slipped up once. And I know you noticed. As we pulled out of our hug, you held on to me waiting for our platonic I love you. And I said, "Te amo" instead of "Te quiero". I really really really didn't mean to say it. I guess my heart knew before my brain did.

I still remember your shocked face as I pulled my hand away from yours. I can still feel the blush on my face. I giggled because I didn't know what else to do. Despite dating someone, I wasn't used to this affection. I was so embarrassed.

Weeks went by. It wasn't until one of our final conversations where you asked me if I ever liked you. My heart pounded as I scrambled for an answer.

No...

And the conversation continued as normal.

I think about that conversation a lot.

What if I had said yes? What if I confessed the truth? But at that point, I didn't know if I liked you. I think I was still hiding from my feelings.

And the more I think about it as time passes, I should have said maybe. Because I knew there was a possibility but I was too scared.

Next thing I know we've graduated from high school. We don't see each other or talk as often as we used to because we start to get busy with university and our jobs. You start dating again. It felt weird. And once again I hid it.

You break up with her, and I'm sort of relieved. Time passes once again.

it's been 3 years at this point, and roughly 6 months since we last saw each other, you've been steady with another girl. You've been happy with her. How can I be jealous of her when she's such a beauty? She's so sweet. I guess that's what hurts the most: I know her and I'm on good terms with her.

The fake smiles return. I fully pull away. Once again with the excuse that we're busy with our lives.

When we meet again, you're laughing at a joke I made when we're with friends. That's when I realized how much I love you. But you weren’t the person I knew when we were depressed teens. Now I see your smile that I would wish for so often, but I think my love for you is fading.

There are days where I cry because I miss you. I miss our talks. I miss when we were so close. Hell, I even miss the teasing we got for being so close. And sometimes I think maybe that these feelings are because I'm just lonely.

But when I talk to other friends, I don't feel the same way.

Now, I'm here typing this out and I wrap my blanket around myself, pretending it's your warm hug. You won't ever know these emotions. You won't ever know that I have this letter for you. Or all the other letters I wrote for all our friends when we were lost, yours is the longest. You won't ever know the playlist I've made with songs you've showed me, songs I've showed you, songs that remind me of you.

You'll never find this story of mine.

And I hope you never do.

Because of what we decided years ago, staying by each other’s side as friends is good enough for both of us.

#vic tries to write #xdinary heroes #xh good enough #i have this song playing nonstop #gunil's explanation of this song inspired me to write this #it wasn't even my heartbreak and yet i felt every emotion #well.... i sorta did go through a heartbreak #otherwise this wouldn't exist #i hope gunil (and the rest of the members) are able to find a beautiful and lovely partner #part of the reason this song made me cry is the fact idols can't express themselves freely #let them love #let them have messy breakups #let them be HUMAN #enough ranting #i hope you enjoy

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insanitysilver · 2 months

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AO3 Tastemaker Game

You? You're an individual. You're a reader and a forager with fine tastes. You're not afraid to wade into the deep end. Browse the dustiest aisles. Get in the vents. Come, pan for gold with me in the far reaches. The game goes like this:

On AO3, navigate to your pairing/fandom of choice

Apply your standard filters

In the 'Search Within Results' field, paste this: kudos<100 comments<5 bookmarks<5 hits<500 sort:>updated

Press the 'Sort & Filter' button

Read down the line until you find something you like

Comment, bookmark, and mark it as a recommendation

For the ultimate connoisseur: Bonus Points - share your new rec off-site Hard Mode - kudos<12 comments<1 bookmarks<1 hits<395 sort:>updated

#won't really work in microfandoms where everyone already has read the 20 existing fics but #inspired by the time i challenged myself to read every fic for a pairing sorted chronologically #I found a lot of really excellent work that i wouldn't have found otherwise!#ao3 #archive of our own #fanfic #fanfiction #building community

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lyxchen · 1 year

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When they reunite they hug for 5 hours<3

#their hug in the show was roo short :((#and i get that alex had to let go because he otherwise probably wouldn't have let go at all #but damn when they reunite there's no reason to let go #so they won't!!!#this was just a quick lil drawing but i adore it!!!!♡#willex is still the most lovely ship to exist thank you very much #anyways i'll go to bed now and imagine a willex reunion as i fall asleep #jatp #julie and the phantoms #willex #alex mercer #willie jatp #lyxchen's art

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rottmnt-residuum · 11 months

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So, was April in a Hidden City Prison?

Also, I searched Hueso on your blog and got nothing (maybe Run of the Mill was shown in a part but I forgot).

What's up with bone man? Did the turtles talk with him at all before THE HORRORS happened? What about junior?

I would think he closed up shop cause it was too dangerous not to?

Still reeling from this week's events by the way!

April was just in a holding cell at a police station human side.

Bonemans been gone for a long time, and as nice as the fanon interpretation of him and leo's relationship is... it just doesn't apply here. Ultimately, his main priority is him and his people. Leo isn't his.

I couldn't find a natural place to allude to this in comic, i scrapped like ten different lines in part 25 and a scene in part 11 because it just wasn't flowing right. Eventually, i just kinda gave up as it isn't super important to the plot and is just background information really ahaha

#residual asks #rottmnt #rottmnt hueso #residuum #rottmnt residuum #bonus! an aside #let me ask you this: how common do you think the knowledge that mutants exist is?#for yokai specifically #because most yokai will see a mutant and go: oh yes another yokai #nothing else would really cross their mind... unless they were told #and most yokai wouldn't know that mutants are being captured because they don't even know mutants are a thing #upper government would though #because of draxum #but hueso? probably not- maybe one of his mutant customers would tell him they exist maybe leo would idk #but otherwise. he doesn't even know this kind of thing is going on #most would probably just assume it's big mama again #bonus stuff

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scorchedhearth · 2 years

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jason whole plan with gotham is "make it more safe" and he went to this straightforward thinking of "can't stop crime. so ill control it. how do you control it? by inserting yourself in it and taking the reins, pulling the strings. how do you do that? by controlling the supplies and making sure everyone takes orders from you. how do you that? by being better, by fighting and stealing and buying off and playing the games of politics and if this doesn't work by fear and killing"

and despite all this clashing with his values and believes from before, he does it. he's ruthless, and he does what must be done in his eyes to echieve the goal, no consideration for himself. he becomes the vector for this mission and will employ any means to reach the end, to a fault. jason is a 'a to b to c' kinda person now, he sees this reality, this possible outcome and will do anything he can to reach it, including betraying old beliefs and friendships and trust

#yhat why i think he struggles with being alive. he cannot fit his life into this straightline of event #if hed never dies that wouldn't matter but he wad brought back. and for no reason at all hes an anomaly in his own worldview #so he givss himself a meaning to justify his existence. there must be a point to everything otherwise whats the point?#dc #jason todd

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rockethorse · 8 days

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Should I be allowed to include Sims 2 Store/preorder/exchange content in Calcinidae Bay

There are several reasons why I'm keeping Calcinidae Bay CC-free but first and foremost it's to see "how far can I get with only TS2 Maxis content?" and so there's always this nagging voice in the back of my head saying "but this is TS2 Maxis content".

Lots that I share will remain CC-free, and I'm not including Stories conversions. Only things made by EA, for TS2.

#I keep writing up really long nerdy posts that are only relevant to me about the pros/cons for it #but most people play with this content already bc it's included in the modern installer #and if I'm already keeping it in my game forever bc it's Maxis stuff I feel like I should try and get the most use out of it #because otherwise I'm keeping stuff in my DL folder just for one or two uses. Or to never be used at all #which is the exact opposite reason of why I have this low-CC rule in the first place (to avoid CC creep + bloat)#plus a lot of these objects are either made to complement existing stuff or to fill needs that aren't met by the game content #so it just feels silly! to feel like there's a missing piece and to see it RIGHT THERE in my catalogue but not be allowed to use it!!#and half the lots I make in Calcinidae Bay aren't for anyone but myself in the first place #but there is this persistent voice that keeps saying 'but then it's not CC-free. and then what's the point'#well the point is to try and stretch the limits of The Sims 2!! And I feel like this bonus content is included in that definition!!#It does feel a little silly to be using tools like the Lot Adjuster and Shiftable Everything and SimPE #to make stuff that the average Sims 2 player back then would either not have known how to use or wouldn't have had access to #but then I'm like 'A giraffe plush that players got in the early 2000s for free with their physical CD? verboten'

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the-ninja-legacy-whip · 20 days

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In our world, there are people who have red eyes and white hair who are called albino. Is there such people in the legacy verse ? If so, would people mistake him as an Albino and not as the master of Fire ?

Lowkey if Aurora and Zane weren't direct Descendants of Ice, they both could be considered albino under our 'real world' rules. It's a headcanon I flipflop on, thus haven't explicitly stated, but it is something I've pondered :d

#but beyond that i don't want to be like 'albino people wouldn't exist!'#but then to BE albino under *these* rules would require a new definition of what 'being albino' means #and THEN would THAT new definition still even be *considered* 'albino' in our eyes in the first place?#cuz eye color itself purely depends on elemental presence in the bloodline in the first place #otherwise there would be no 'color' other than black anyway #and then white hair isn't necessarily an uncommon thing either #(...i mean just off 'white hair reddish-pink eyes' harumi could fall under the definition too)#soooo deep questions to keep myself awake at night with i suppose

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oldestking · 3 months

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/ If u deal with g.il u have to know that u will be constantly threading through the thin line between him deciding that u will die by his hands or u proving him that there’s something of worth in having u around

#at least initially of course #;about #about #;headcanons #headcanons #well its not really a headcanon but u know; tagging-#and it lit can shift in o n e second #which is why its quite difficult to deal with him bc he's that unpredictable #this is much more pronounced on a.rcher g.il but caster isn't devoid of this #its just that c.aster is more likely to not bother with ur existense #while a.rcher g.il has this feeling but its more so; u have no worth to me so what worth could you possibly provide to the world then?#and would get rid of the person in question there #while with caster its more like; u have no worth to me nor to the world; SCRAM.#/and i apologize in advance but yes; his views are very egocentric in either case; that's just how he is #to him even if u came and told him 'i dont care about how u perceive me lol' it doesnt matter; and also he's k.illing u on the spot #of course i wouldn't do this with the context of writing him bc it would be too op but; if ur sassy with him it has to be on a #wavelenght of mutual respect even if its not said out loud; it has to exist #otherwise chances are that he is not going to be cooperative with u #its not a pretty trait but that's g.ilgamesh #and yes this is hypocritical of him but its his status as king and his hugeahh ego which makes this contradiction possible #so it has a reason (even if it sucks) as of why he acts the way he does; basically g.il works by his own rules #in conclusion: bite him and bark at him but know who ur dealing with; that's basically it; if u do so in a way that is akin to his taste #he'll do it back; and then u'll gain his friendship #as a last thing i wanna mention how his views CAN definitely change; as they have done so with as an example h.akuno and r.itsuka/g.udako #so even if u start a rocky path with him; things can still progress

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swordsandarms · 9 months

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Paradoxically, people who get angry at the "Was Brandon stupid?" (by going to where the Mad King was and Rhaegar and Lyanna had no reason to be, "conveniently" straight to his expected death in those circumstances) would be validated in such criticism being misplaced against him in the case that Brandon genuinely believed so with good reason by being lied to in such specific terms about whatever information came to him from the spot of Lyanna's disappearance.

The paradox comes from such crowd's wish to exonorate and pity Brandon, but not Lyanna, hence sticking in that dead end. Quite the contrary, the whole purpose of the outrage is solely to incriminate Lyanna - and of course Rhaegar.

#asoiaf #lyanna stark #rhaegar targaryen #brandon stark #I'm in 'the whole reason why the LF vs Brandon exists is for LF to have gotten his first taste of creating convenient chaos'#in a domino effect it doesn't only kill Brandon but also makes Lysa Arryn's wife and Arryn the Hand leading to LF starting his climbing #journey in the capital #until Martin says otherwise this is the only explanation for that storyline to exist #and for whatever Brandon was onto #to make sense #it isn't even that he was reckless lone wolf who didn't give it any thought #he had other men with him #they discussed this #a group agreed on a course of action that wouldn't make sense if there was no misleading

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idiosyncraticrednebula · 6 months

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A boytoy doesn't serve any purpose other than being a masturbatory object as that's precisely what the other person, usually an older woman, wants him for. He is fine with it as long as she rewards him with money and all sorts of material gifts in return (most of the women in these types of relationships are sugar mamas). All he has to do is be young, physically attractive and have a functioning penis.

#boytoy #older woman younger man #relationship dynamics #sex partner #txt #boytoys aren't a new thing either. they have been existing since forever lmao #but seriously boytoys are walking dildos. they are sex objects and they don't have a problem with it #it's a form of gigolo work basically #unless they just had an amazing connection or he has a preference for older women the women usually bargain their resources for sex from the #young men because otherwise they wouldn't deal with them #am i saying it's okay? no ofc but it happens way more often than people are led to believe #btw the hotness is perhaps the most important part of the bargain. they will not deal with a man that isn't above average in attractiveness

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chirpsythismorning · 1 year

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How can you still think that Henry is not El's father? Look at this parallel! No hate, just trying to understand

https://www.tumblr.com/bylertruther/715418989849870336?source=share

This is the first time I’ve seen anything more substantial than the Darth Vader/Luke parallels, so I am intrigued! It is technically Vecna saying both things, both times. We see him do this with El in s3 and then Max in s4 with This will all be over soon, so he does have a penchant for repeating things for dramatic effect. BUT the fact that it is a father/daughter dynamic in this case, is quite incriminating.

The main thing that puts me off with this theory is that it would be quite predictable? There were a lot of fans acknowledging the Darth Vader/Luke parallels between Henry/El on Reddit when s4 first premiered. Though to be fair, even now no one really takes the theory seriously, despite it being something a lot of casual fans picked up on and still bring up for discussions on there, so at least there’s that? But still, that’s just another reason why it sort of puts me off, the idea of it being this big revelation in s5, despite it being something people easily hypothesized only to discard just as quickly, and how that would be kind of disappointing? I think it being easy to guess is also why I was convinced it was simply put there as a misdirect to block people from finding out the truth?

And yet, this is pretty interesting to me and so I am intrigued at the very least!

I am convinced Joyce is El and Will’s mother though. Like 100%. Terry is very obviously placed as a misdirect, as is Lonnie (reminder that the Duffers love misdirects/red herrings).

Technically, it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility for Joyce to be their mother AND Henry to be their father, being that El/Will would have been born in 1970, when Joyce was 28 and Henry was 23? However, we’re also getting the play The First Shadow, which is set in 1959, when Joyce was 17 and Henry was 12, so I feel like it would be weird to establish them crossing paths all the way back then and again later in life, only for her to get pregnant? Regardless if it was like done in the lab or not, it would just be an odd choice, that's all I'm saying!

With that being said, IVF does exist. The first successful IVF procedure wasn’t until 1978, so 8 years after El and Will were born. But this is a TV show and so years can be off from time to time. This would also be a lab doing this, a lab that is known for not reporting dangerous procedures performed on unsuspecting subjects, so I wouldn't go as far as to say it's completely out of the realm of possibility.

I also do think that Henry is heavily queer-coded, so it’s likely we could get a backstory for him in s5 that sort of delves into that part of his life, and how his perceived queerness might have been what got him involved with doctors prior to Hawkins Lab. This was alluded to, with him saying he’d been poked and prodded for years, with the language surrounding it being directly tied to his queer-coding.

What this does remind me of though is Aliens (1986), which Paul Reiser aka Dr. Owens also starred in. His character Burke comes off one of the good guys early on, with him even making the classic, I’m one of the good guys jokes (same as Owens does in s2), only to end the film being the one who had been directly working against them, from the very beginning. According to the original script, he even refers to our lead character as 'kiddo' A LOT, which Owens also does throughout the series with Will in s2 and El in s4. In the film, it’s alluded to that his character signed a document setting all of this in motion, dated 6/12/79, which… fucking interesting considering what revelations we could still have in store for in regards to the lab's true origins in s5.

And so, could the lab have impregnated Joyce via IVF with Henry's sperm? Arguably, it's possible!

Maybe Henry and Joyce didn’t interact in the 70’s, but perhaps after being away from the lab for a short time, Henry was for the first time in his life in an okay place, maybe he even experienced his first love, only to lose him, with the lab perhaps taking advantage of his vulnerability, roping him back into a permanent life there? And then maybe, a few years pass, and with him being unaware, they used his DNA to impregnate Joyce?

This could then follow the whole one kid is in the experiment group (El) and one kid is in the control group (Will) theory?

This would also perhaps fit into the Brenner being tasked with focusing on the experiment group (El) and Owens being tasked with focusing on the control group (Will).

This does remind me a lot of a couple scenes in particular...

4x05: The Nina Project

This sequence above is almost a direct parallel to El's series long recurring flashback of Terry (2x07: The Lost Sister):

El calling Terry her home, warranted a correction, because no, Terry is not El's Mama, nor her home.

And thereby repeating that scene in a sense, with Brenner saying You're home now. You're home, this time with no follow up to correct it? And with a shot that looks very freaking in terms of what the blocking could possibly signify?

Could this mean that El's home is the lab then? She was born (conceived) in the lab, which is why that is more the truth than the assumption that Terry is her mother? (El also gives off Will vibes in some of these close-ups above, where you cant see her hair length. Instead what we get is the notable Byers bob, which is interesting...)

4x08: Papa

Then there's this...

We have both Brenner and Owens attending to El, as she is having flashbacks to her birth.

And AGAIN we get this focus on this female doctor (who appears to also be rocking the Byers' hairstyle....). This is after El has finally been faced with the 'truth' regarding the massacre at Hawkins Lab, and so why are they wasting all of this crucial time having El stare in the direction of where this woman is standing, literally squinting with a confused expression? She literally looks at this woman more than she does at Brenner and Owens (that close-up of El staring directly at her before she gets the first flashback is so insane, I want to scream) And why does she appear to have identical nail polish to Terry in her flashback, with them being juxtaposed back to back in those shots?

I think that what this all could essentially mean, is that our understanding of El's birth is not what it seems.

We hear 2 baby's crying during her flashback right before she banishes Henry to the upside down in 4x07. We see that there are inconsistencies with the flashbacks, with us even seeing a baby in the womb at one point, from the perspective of El who is also in the womb, meaning she was looking at another baby alongside her??? And we even get from Terry's flashbacks a moment where one baby is being held by Brenner, followed by him looking back to the source, almost confused (bc there's one more?)? And so that then begs to question if this was an intentional twin birth, or it just ended up being the case?

I guess with all of that at play, it's hard for me to distinguish what is real and what isn't anymore.

I mean, isn't there an official still of Henry at Project Nina? Did we just scurry past that without thinking about the implications of it?

That opens up a whole new can of worms because it begs to question, again what is real and what isn't real, even further? How much are the lab in control of what is going on? Do they know what Henry's plan is based on some type of secret information we don't have? Or are they also pawns in Henry's game, making choices without even realizing that he is behind them because he is playing with time?

I guess I don't really see why Henry would turn back the clock though, in this context? Like going back to 59 and what happened back then, which led to all of this coming into play? I just struggle to understand how that would be dealt with in a way that wouldn't feel sort of like, why tho?

I also as of now subscribe to this being a time loop situation based on evidence that goes back to the very first episode. So when there's time trickery involved, I guess it's just a lot easier for me to imagine Henry turning back the clock for a specific reason, with it being in relation to Joyce and Hopper specifically (and the vague plot of the play thus far supports that possibility more to me?)

Basically the crack theory I'm subtly subscribing to rn, is that something horrible happened in the OG timeline in relation to Will/El. I think Lonnie could have been involved, and it's likely the lab was involved in covering it up because they were responsible for him as he was a volunteer who went haywire basically.

And so Henry, turning back the clock, is him making an attempt to give Will and El a second chance in a world that he views as a horrible place that let him (and them) down.

I think that could fit into Henry's motives being a lot more justified than we are expecting, with him experiencing both being impacted by the lab and having to deal with societies demands of him fitting their mold.

I am intrigued at the very least by the prospects of this being like a plan from the lab, with the focus on eggs/demogorgan imagery being inspired by the movie Aliens. I can't think much further how that would work, but I can imagine it at least!

And no offense to you, but this combined with the Darth Vader/Luke parallels still doesn't quite manage to outweigh all the foreshadowing connected to Hopper, which goes all the way back to s1, literally right after the opening credits of the pilot episode. Whereas this is starting to only be added into the narrative in s3 (barely!).

While I will continue to be open to anything and everything, I'm still leaning more towards this being a misdirect, just as Terry and Lonnie were, for an audience that has a lot of surprises in store in s5, which they couldn't see coming in the first place because of all the red herrings they fell for easily along the way.

TBH I see more connecting the Creels to the Wheelers in terms of a secret familial revelation. And I don't see that being something that would happen simultaneously with this, so for that reason, I'm out (for now at least!).

#stranger things #willel twins #willel literal twins #joyce + hopper = willel twins + jon #henry creel #stranger things theory #the main thing that makes me open to this is the Aliens (1986) implications #otherwise I don't think i'd be able to wrap my head around it #i think there's also so much we don't know about the labs goals #in tandem with what henry (vecna)'s true goals are as well #are they going in tandem with each other?#is one side unaware that they are inadvertently benefiting the other side?#if will/el's existence was planned by the lab #then wouldn't that mean that they were born for a specific reason?#whereas all the other kids there are from random places all over the world?#it's just too much shooting in the dark for my comfort #I am however very convinced will/el are twins #and i think hopper/els flashbacks read as false memories #which just begs to question why hopper has false memories in the first place?#and why the lab would put them there?#like i just think it all connects more than we realize #and it being hopper who has been their dad all along #is just a lot more beautiful of a s5 revelation to me than ivf connecting joyce and henry?#only for them to give us a play where Joyce could potentially interact with 12 year old Henry??#idk #I wont rule it out bc you never know!#then there's also the connections to the creels and the wheelers #which also feel like they could be misdirects but also not?#you never know if you're falling into a trap #so it's just a matter of looking at it all and seeing what holds the most weight in terms of it being like a huge series long epic

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cjbolan · 9 months

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Got some interviews lined up for next week. On one hand I'm happy. On the other hand I'm sad/scared whatever position I get may require me to move. Which is honestly the last thing I want after spending much of my childhood constantly moving.

#i don't know how people who constantly move maintain a social life #i know social media exists but there's a big difference between online friends and in-person friends #i guess i'm lucky to have some great in-person friends in my life otherwise I wouldn't feel this way #rant #personal #post

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forgaeven1 · 10 months

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i'm tweaking these information at one point, but i'm thinking about old money wealth of both the longbottoms and zabinis and their respective origins, and i'm leaning towards longbottoms having quite a start in the mass wand productions across britain and scotland as far back as the 14th century, and the zabinis simply owning a lot of lands from italy to england.

#i mean.... whether [the longbottoms are] involved in the production by the 1990's? i'm not sure #because at that point the family have accumulated wealth so much to the point it's genuinely not a worry for them #and it wouldn't have made that much of a difference if they're actively in the business or otherwise #im also trying to build a fairly solid background #in the sense that if - during the medieval times - there had existed some sort of monarchy-adjacent government #mirroring the muggle world at that time #maybe longbottoms were intertwined with nobility at that time ( further establishing their name )#though maybe it might've just been luck after all that they did end up in the sacred twenty-eight by the 1990s #while zabinis are probably from the high italian's aristocracy until a branch of that family moved to britain in the 1800s?#just... thoughts u know.#blaise.#neville.#blaise; headcanons.#neville; headcanons.

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queenlucythevaliant · 2 years

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So much of Christian faith is about sitting with tensions. Here's one:

God wants our minds and He created our ability to reason in His own image. He created through discoverable means. He inspires us towards science, philosophy, archeology, math. He wants our questions. He wants us to search Him out and to keep finding Him in creation, in logic, in study. If our faith is just based on dogma, it will be a rigid, fragile thing. We ought to be convinced of what we believe.

And yet you can't logic your way to God. You aren't going to be able to prove His existence scientifically, philosophically, archeologically, or mathematically. If you try, you'll either talk yourself out of faith or give yourself false certainty. If you try too fervently, there's a not-insignificant chance you'll basically end up overconfidently asserting an obviously bunk conspiracy theory, which is its own kind of dogma. In the end, faith is just faith. In the absence of proof, who do you say that Jesus is?

For me, at this stage of life, it all comes back to epistemology. God is the final Truth and the giver of all lesser truth. Study and reason can lead me closer to him, but at the end of the day I'm left with a binary choice. Is God who He says He is? Do I believe Him? Yes or no? And that choice is all just bold, unsubstantiated faith, baby.

#there's this fear in the back of my heart that if God is the arbiter of Truth he may just not be revealing key info ya know?#it comes back to a false certainty that I got from a former pastor #about what understanding the Bible does and doesn't promise us in eternity #i am having to learn to be okay with limited knowledge #not just in the moment (i can always learn more) but in eternity (there's a limit to what i can know)#and then i see a lot of people overcompensating in other ways #like. I've seen people say with conviction 'no you can totally prove that God exists scientifically '#no you can't #otherwise we wouldn't need faith #there's certainly beautiful compelling evidence for God's existence and His character in science but dude I'm sorry #you're never gonna be able to prove it #and it frusterates me when some folks are like 'you totally can though'#God is immanant and transcendent #He's entirely obvious and yet entirely hidden #and yeah it frustrates and frightens me #and i end up playing both sides of this argument in different communities #which is an added frustration #Christianity is about learning the tension ya know?#pontifications and creations #all truth is god's truth #only thou art holy

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