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calamity-unlocked · 1 year

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Yup. I did it y'all. I. Don't know what possessed me either. Enjoy <3

Scam Actually/Jodie Foster, 1.8k.

~~~

Scam’s actions usually didn’t come with consequences.

Customarily, Scam would enter a situation with the stirring seed of a not-quite plan and a devious penchant for ‘yes and’-ing his way into hilarity. He’d apply beautiful chaos and discord like a master painter brought strokes of paint to a canvas, then take a deep bow and make his grandiose exit. Such were the daily thrills in the life of a scammer!

Today… was a little different.

It was really the exit strategy where things had gone awry. The jape he had pulled was magnificent as always; he’d infiltrated a bunch of infernal cultists and convinced them that hell was truly only a state of mind, and that they instead should start worshiping the divine embodiment of pasta carbonara.

It had all been fun and games, until their leader had returned to their base and caught them chanting in tongues around a bowl of uncooked spaghetti.

Shenanigans ensued, all of which resulted in the current situation Scam found himself in. His wrists were chained to a tasteless stone slab with magical manacles that prevented him from poofing away. According to the chatter he had picked up, he was to be some kind of offering to please the god they planned on summoning in the hope to gain power and get their core beliefs reaffirmed.

Scented candles were spread in a ritual circle a few feet away from him, which the cultists stood around as they sang an ancient song of power and hellfire, their voices reverberating throughout the dark cave-like base. They all had their hoods pulled up as they passed a golden dagger around, cutting into their hands and letting the blood drip onto the floor, between the lines drawn on the floor.

“Ugh,” Scam rolled his eyes. “You know the spells Gate and Summon Greater Demon only take one action, right? All this atmospheric chanting and palm-slicing has no point whatsoever.”

“SILENCE!” the leader bellowed. He pointed the knife at Scam, his eyes rolling back into his head. “Be elated, you feeble trickster, for you shall soon be consumed by a power greater than the gods themselves. Prepare to face the greatest might of them all!” He turned away from Scam and read the words from the spell scroll in his other hand. “Daemonium inferni, primone aspectu in amore tu credis, aut iterumne experiri debeo!”

With those words, the world flashed red. A pillar of flame erupted in the circle, the fire whirling around like a tornado.

The cultists all prostrated themselves on the floor, screaming with joy and fear. Scam cursed loudly, because some of the sparks landed on his fedora.

Finally, the fire died down and the smoke cleared. The outline of an inhuman figure came into view – large and muscled, with wings of a bat and a jaw that could cut glass. Dark hair and eyes like charcoal. Scam got very hot all of a sudden, and it wasn’t because the temperature in the room was about the same as an average day in hell.

Then he recognized that face.

“Oh! Oh!” Scam exclaimed. “I know him! Hi!!!”

The figure slowly turned his gaze from the quaking cultists to the chained-up chaos bringer. The hardened look immediately turned into full bewilderment as their eyes met.

Scam tried to wiggle up into a standing position, which only half worked. He managed to give a little wave from behind his back. “Jodie Foster, as I live and breathe! It’s me, your old pal! My, my, my, you have had quite the glow-up. Look at you! All r-r-ripped and chiseled.”

A frown settled on his hellish visage. “Scam Likely? What are you doing here?” It was the same slightly high-pitched voice that he had before – seemed like some things stayed the same, after all.

“Scam Actually, actually!”

“What?” he asked, then rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Oh my gosh, I so don’t want to deal with this right now.”

“Rough morning?”

“You have no clue,” he chuckled, and shook his horned head.

Scam shimmied his shoulder in what he hoped came across as a helpless gesture, like a baby animal trying to gain the attention of a parent. “Hey, before you go, can you do me a real solid and get these pesky little chains off me? They’re really chafing my wrists, and my skin is really sensitive in that spot. I’d truly appreciate it.”

Jodie crossed his arms and raised one eyebrow. “Why should I help you? Last time I saw you, you caused that whole switcheroo thing and portalled away. For all I know, this is another one of your pranks.”

“Ah, yes,” Scam sighed wistfully, feeling the sweet pang of nostalgia. “How I do miss those days. Life was so much more fun while you courageous dads were roaming these lands, looking for your missing sons.” He gave his sweetest smile, which literally reached from one ear to the other. It was quite grotesque, or so people told him. “But not this time! No tricks, no japes, no nothing. Just scammed a little too close to the sun, that’s all.”

One of the cultists scraped his throat. “So, er– are you gonna kill him? Do you want our souls? What’s– what’s happening over here?”

“Oh. Yes. You’re also here.” Jodie turned to the cultists and visibly had to keep himself from sighing with exhaustion. “So. What is it you want?”

The tallest guy immediately leveled his forehead with the floor once more. “Oh almighty King of the Nine Hells, killer of Asmodeus, elevated firstborn son of the wrathful Snider, glorious bringer of hellfire and ash–”

Scam rolled his eyes. “Jesus Christ, these guys are some serious bootlickers.”

Jodie scoffed. “Tell me about it.” He waved his hand in an impatient gesture. “Alright, I got it, I’m awesome as fuck. Can we skip to the end, please?”

“Of course, Lord,” the leader stammered. “We would, ah–” He hesitantly glanced over his shoulder at the other cultists. “We’d like power. Right guys?”

A chorus of muttered agreements rose up behind him. “Yeah, I like power,” one of them mumbled, just a bit louder than the rest.

Jodie hissed through his teeth and steepled his fingers. “Listen, it’s not that I got places to be, but I just… this is not really my scene. It was kinda rude to just pull me here, did not appreciate that. Like my good friend Henry would say, consent matters, guys. So… I’m not going to do that.”

Again, the cultists started murmuring amongst themselves, this time with worry. The leader raised his head slightly. “Is– Is the sacrifice not sufficient? We could bring you more blood, if you’d like! Virgins, children, you name it. Whatever you want, my Lord.”

Jodie grimaced. “Ew.” He shot Scam a disturbed look, which Scam answered with his ‘get-a-load-of-this-guy-amirite”-face. “Gross. Well. Now I kinda don’t wanna let you live either. Thought I was gonna do that before, but now… Eh, fuck it.”

He snapped his fingers, and countless bolts of fire zipped through the air with furious rage. Twenty seconds of agonized screaming later, and Scam and Jodie were the only non-burning corpses left in the chamber.

Scam considered it another win in Scam Actually’s book that Jodie had chosen to spare him. Yay him!

“Wow-ie.” Scam whistled in appreciation, then preened when Jodie approached him and effortlessly broke his manacles as though they were made of twigs. “They totally thought you were going to make them immortal and you killed them instead! That was sorta like…” he trailed off, his mouth falling slightly ajar. “A scam,” he finished with reverence. He brought his hand to his mouth to close it, and noticed that his fingers were trembling.

Jodie tilted his head and made a questioning noise. “I don’t really think it was?”

“It definitely was!” he exclaimed and clapped in delight.

Jodie rolled his eyes with what Scam hoped was fondness. “Listen, Scam Actually, it was great catching up with you. But, ah, I gotta go back to hell. I’ve got all this paperwork, and there’s souls to damn, and I haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

Scam’s head swirled around. “But breakfast’s the most important meal of the day!” he said, appalled. “There’s this great brunch place in Waterdeep. You have got to try it, their croissant rolls are absolutely to die for. Know what? I’ll take you there! We can do some good ol’ catching up – oh, I could tell you about the time I pretended to be a ghost living in a merchant’s mansion for almost three full weeks!”

Jodie laughed and shook his head no. “Thanks, but I’ll just make a sandwich at home.”

Scam planted his hands at his side and clacked his tongue impatiently. “You may or may not have saved my life! The least I could do is buy you breakfast.”

“Let’s… not.” He scratched his head, not meeting Scam’s eyes. “We’ll just make this an IOU, ‘kay? If I need your aid, you help me. That sounds good?”

Scam crossed his arms and staunchly shook his head, chin raised high. “No, no, no, I wanna be Even Stevens with you. No more favors from good ol’ Scam Actually over here. I’m done with those.” Besides, he now had the sneaky sneaky ulterior motive of getting to know the new version of this handsome handsome man over a delicious set of sandwiches. That sounded like the perfect way to spend the rest of the morning.

The archfiend still looked hesitant, so Scam pulled out the biggest weapon in his arsenal: his eye-searing cuteness. With a tilt of the head and a little pout of the lips, Scam looked up at Jodie and said in his sweetest voice: “Pwease?”

“Ugh. Never do that again,” Jodie winced. Then his stomach rumbled, betraying him. He sighed in defeat, seemingly accepting the path the fates had spun for him.

“Sure, why not. Brunch sounds great. You’re paying?”

“Why, yes of course!” Scam lied cheerfully.

“Right. Stupid question.”

Scam was almost skipping as he walked next to Jodie, enjoying the way he smelled like a building that had just burned down with the people still in it. “Is this truly so bad?” he asked, wrapping his arms around Jodie’s left bicep and giving it a strong squeeze.

Jodie’s puppy-like confusion returned but with it came a soft smile – the kind that made his dark eyes seem to come alive with twinkling motes of light. He huffed through his nose in amusement, then gave a short chuckle as he let himself be guided out of the cultists’ base by Scam. “I suppose not,” he said, resigned and amused all at once.

Scam could not stop smiling.

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