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vancilocs · 3 years

Note

Oops, neja and yecal and uuu docs?

it’s raining outside

where they first met and how

Neja hired Yecal to help her do crime (without having the money for it but she figured she was cute enough to do get away with it)

At work, introduce oncologist to ER doc

how long their ‘flirting’ phase was before feelings got involved

Honestly Neja was flirting almost straight off, flirting and fooling around for a while, not seeing each other for a time, then kinda wonder if there’s feewings when seeing him again

Quite a while I think, going back and forth before Juno had to do something

who fell for who first (if applicable)

Mayyybe Neja

Damn I don’t know I was thinking and idk

where their first date was and what it was like

I mean Neja considers their first crime their first date, very fun

I guess at Juno’s place when she invited him for dinner

who asks who out and how (with a sign? spelled out on a cake? just a simple ‘will you go out with me’?)

Neja left her number for him and let him do with that what he willed

Juno just asked if Enrique would like to come over some weekend and have dinner

who proposes first

Yecal in his underwear if the Sims is to believed

It was a mutual decision but idk if Enrique asked if Juno would like to be married and she was like yeah sure babe xx

if they keep / kept their relationship secret or let everyone know right away where the proposal happens and how (kiss cam at a baseball game? on a hillside surrounded by ducks? at a disney park?)

Neja didn’t mean to not tell her family but then it kinda happened that they only found out she’s dating when they got invited to her wedding. She met Yecal’s family only because she happened to be traveling that way anyway

Juno texted Iain to let him know they’re going ring shopping and let her family know after the rings had been got

if they adopt any pets together

They don’t have room or resources unfortunately

Juno has Bob and he’s the alpha male of the house

who’s more dominant

They switch flawlessly

They can switch but more often Juno wants to submit

where their first kiss was and what it was like

At a dingy ol’ motel after a night of crime

At Juno’s apartment

if they have any matching couples stuff (mugs? sweaters? pillowcases?)

Neja isn’t above getting some pillowcases or a matching underwear set

Not really. If anything just mugs that say how many PhD’s they got

how into pda they are

A little at least, hold hands, give some kisses, Neja fits nicely under Yecal’s arm

A bit, holding hands/linking arms is okay, kisses goodbye, feed each other cake at the cafe

who holds the umbrella when it rains

Yecal, though Neja just uses him as a shelter

Enrique, tall

where their usual ‘date spot’ is (if applicable)

There’s probably a local bar they’re regulars at

Ditto, just on the Citadel side... or then a cafe

who’s more protective

Yecal stresses out every time Neja is out being a reckless bitch by herself. At least now she has a home, though.

Enrique knows Juno can hold her own, but her just being small is a bit of a threat. She on the other hand is protective of him regarding his illness, don’t you overexert yourself, remember to take your meds

how long it is before they sleep together (can be as in ‘had sex’ or as in ‘shared a bed’)

Bang at the end of the first date, the next time they saw each other and Neja stayed overnight at Yecal’s probably just sleep

Let out frustrations at the end of the dinner date

if they argue about anything

Not really. Neja makes sure she’s not alone outside at night or in sketchy parts of town anymore so Yecal won’t worry.

I guess pain could make Enrique a bit short-tempered (and Juno is just short-tempered by nature) but I don’t know if they argue, more like she leaves him be (after making sure she’s done everything she can for him)

who leaves more marks (lipstick, hickeys, scratchmarks etc.)

I can imagine Yecal being more careful because he has bigger teeth but also Neja bruises very easily bc of her pale skin so it’s a no-win situation. Don’t scratch. She bites him everywhere she can reach but not that hard... sometimes fun to leave marks where nobody can see tho

Enrique definitely has shirts with some lipstick stains on the collar. Otherwise keep marks in hidden places

who steals whose clothes and how often

Every shirt Yecal has also belongs to Neja and she will go limp if he tries to get them back

Juno sometimes steals Enrique’s shirts, cozy n warm

how they cuddle (spooning? facing each other?)

Spooning (either way around) or Neja crawls halfway on top of Yecal

Spooning or Juno makes herself a weighted blanket for Enrique. Or the other way around if she’s particularly stressed

what their favourite nonsexual activity is

Video gaem, cuddling, making food and eating

Playing with cat, watching TV and snacking, cooking, snuggling

how long they stay mad at each other

Neja caps out at like 45 seconds

Not long, after both have said sorry Juno has forgiven and forgotten

what their usual coffee / tea orders are

Neja goes all out with her orders, it’s hardly coffee anymore it’s almost all creamer and syrup

Juno has her coffee simple with milk and sugar, with tea she likes to try out more out-there stuff like rooibos

if they ever have any children together

No, they’re not compatible biologically nor do they want any in general

No, after a proper scare Enrique got snipped

if they have any special pet names for each other

Neja just gets cheesy

If Juno wants to be sweet she calls him Quique and if she wants to be a little shit she calls him Ricky

if they ever split up and / or get back together

No, they’re really fond of each other

Nah

what their shared living space is like (messy? clean? what kind of decor?)

They try to keep it clean but it’s a little messy, try to make use of all the space they got, some tools and spare parts here and there, some clothes hanging around

It’s pretty clean, Juno likes it neat. Use coasters with your mugs. Some cat toys, throw pillows, a blanket, everything breakable away from Bob’s reach

what their first christmas / hanukkah / etc as a couple was like

They probably have wildly different holiday traditions, I guess the other would just do some traditions and introduce the other to them

Don’t people in S. America get Christmas presents on the 6th of January? Those kinds of differences. But I guess he’d open his gift on the 25th if that’s what Juno does

what their names are in each other’s phones

Hooby 💞😍😘💖🥰🖤

Enrique de Cruz, Ph.D ICE

if they have any ‘couple traditions’ (buying a new mug for their collection every year? baking every friday evening?)

Have a movie or a date night once a week/two weeks/month, just dedicate some time to each other

Like once a month make a big proper dinner and eat it together with some wine, Juno has gotten so much better at cooking since their first date

who falls asleep first and who wakes up first

It varies wildly, they can come and go at any hour. Usually if Yecal falls asleep Neja is either already asleep or follows soon

Enrique has varied work schedules, Juno pretty much goes to bed and wakes up at the same time every day. I guess she gets up first either way

who’s the big spoon / little spoon

Usually Neja is the small one but sometimes a man wants to be held

Juno prefers being small spoon

who hogs the bathroom

Neither really, it’s small and not very useful, if anything Neja will take some time drying her hair

If Juno does her makeup all proper she will take some time but not hog

who kills the spiders / takes them outside

Neja lets Yecal kill them

Juno throws Bob at them

#two classes down one swedish one still to do ugh #not like i've listened at all but like i still woke up at 8 so #maybe i could make that presentation abt that spanish writer or smth #long oc thing #neja will be careful with her poison heels and knuckles when being manhandled but she will nip with her teeth at any part of yecal she can #take that #she's a rocket engineer but she's also a little brat

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alwaysanotherrainbow · 4 years

Text

my boyfriend never texts first

Remus just wants to not be the first one to send a message every once in a while. That’s not too much to ask, right?

relationship: romantic remrom, background remy and emile (also romantic)

warnings: major character death, extended mourning (secondary warnings- brief discussion of religious holidays, brief underage drinking mention, a lot of all-caps) notes: unrelated, human, hs/college au. virgil, emile, and remy are here too. If you need anything in the secondary warnings (or one of those latter three characters) edited out, please let me know and I can put that up for you!

____________________________________________________

Remus always texted him first. Always. It didn’t matter the situation, didn’t matter the time date place name face. Who what when where why. It first started when he texted hi roman :) when they first got phones; for whatever reason, Roman just never texted first. Either he’d call or they’d talk in person.

No matter. Remus could cope.

May 1:

8:37 PM tody i saw you by my locker 8:39 PM *today 8:42 PM why didnt you say hi?

May 2:

9:30 PM a teacher talked to me today 9:30 PM wanted to talk about how i’m doing after 9:52 PM well you know. he’s a sick bastard

Really, it wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? He just wanted to see him text first once in a while! May 7:

3:32 PM: by the way idk if you got this last time 3:36 PM: my class ring size is the medium 3:44 PM: hopefully you order it by the deadline :P 4:03 PM: no idea when the deadline is 4:20 PM: bLAZE IT 4:24 PM: sorry i have like 0 money so i got it from the consignment shop 4:31 PM: i hope you like synthetic rubies!! leaving them with ur dad 10:40 PM: update. i cried for four hours with your dad.

June 2:

7:30 AM: gRaDuAtIoN dAy!!! 7:32 AM: there’s cookies in the reception menu 7:35 AM: snickerdoodles your favorite [eyes] 10:02 AM: i’m getting some for u 10:05 AM: [kissy face] 7:40 PM: the announcement was Weird 7:43 PM: anyways i have the snickerdoodles (Remus couldn’t go over to where Roman was staying, so he left them in the living room. He knew Roman would appreciate them. Hopefully he’d come over (wait, probably not, given...))

Well, actually, he could understand why he never texted first. June 11:

12:14 PM: roMAN 12:16 PM: [Attachment: Remus_Picani-Kleitman_Acceptance_Letter.pdf] 12:18 PM: YEAHHHH 12:24 PM: I’m sure you got in too SEND ME YOURS WHEN YOU GET IT 12:32 PM: WE MIGHT SHARE A ROOM YEA 12:35 PM: [Attachment: celebration.jpg]

Everyone was probably saying that he ought to just move on, but to be honest, he couldn’t... Actually, to be honest, no-one had told him to move on to his face yet. In fact, everyone was surprised he was doing so well, given how bad the circumstances were! The situation was stressing him out so much, even his dads were gently advising him to rethink things. (Well, that was part of the territory with one of them being a therapist and the other being a barista.)

“I got y’all some kouign-amann from the cafe,” said Dad, putting it down on the counter. His shirt had SLEEP scrawled on it with a Sharpie; it was the one that Remus had made for him as a joke. He still wore it. Huh.

“Sweetie, what’s a queen amahn?” asked Papa.

“It’s a... er, it’s like a... this is kinda like a croissant that had dreams of a muffin tin and salted caramel. One for you, babe.... then one for Doodlebug-”

“Can I leave some for Roman?” asked Remus.

They exchanged a glance.

“Of course you can,” said Papa with a smile. “Your candle’s on the table. Also, I got the news about being accepted into university? Good job, kiddo. You know, that was your father’s alma mater.”

“Are you sure you want to go to school right away after...? No problem taking a gap year.”

Papa glared at Dad. “Be nice.”

“I’m sorry, Remus, it’s just...” Dad put down his coffee. “If you’re not ready, if you need more time-”

"I’m sure,” said Remus with a grin, trying to get rid of what he just remembered. “Trust me.”

“Please find a good way to put away the snickerdoodles, they’ve been there since last week!” shouted Papa.

June 12:

12:12 AM: its twelve twelve make a wish 12:15 AM: hey when does your phone bill go out? 12:20 AM: im just saying that would Explain some things 12:22 AM: i know your dad pays Everything like a year in advance 12:34 AM: tell him i say hi 12:34 AM: 12:34 MAKE A WISH

July 12:

3:30 PM: guess who’s a double major in bio and theatre!! 3:32 PM: marine biology babey 3:53 PM: it’s good for the SOUL 4:04 PM: this cute octopus reminded me of you by the way 4:10 PM: [Attachment: for_roman]

August 14:

6:24 PM: moving in is the Worst 6:32 PM: by the way i got a single 6:35 PM: no roommates 6:41 PM: still have the bunk tho 6:44 PM: also got ur favorite pillo

August 30:

2:12 AM: roman it is like two o’clock in the morning what the Heck are you doing here, 2:15 AM: if u see me wave Hi 2:32 AM: ok >:c 2:42 AM: dont mind Me just studyin on top of the planetarium 3:15 AM: tbh i didn’t even know we go to the same campus? haven’t seen you around or anything 3:17 AM: shit phones gonna di

September 28:

2:20 PM: i failed my test 2:22 PM: idk what to d 2:24 PM: *do

September 29: 7:30 PM: remember that octopus you gave me that eats negative emotions? 7:32 PM: it works!!

October 3:

1:10 PM: You’d like the theatre program, really 1:15 PM: just so u know they’ve listed your name as an ‘honorary member of the class of’ 1:19 PM: that’s really nice of them. idk if your dad knows

October 23:

9:45 AM: i had to explain one of our inside jokes 8( 9:52 AM: i can’t Explain the deodorant thing that was One Time 9:55 AM: also why i’m called The Duke 9:56 AM: its bc you said it. not my fault 9:58 AM: its still cute pls call me that still 9:59 AM: pancake brunch pancake brunch pancake brunch October 31: 6:12 PM: sun’s down! joyous samhain 6:15 PM: i remember when you sewed me that octopus btw, the one that eats ucky feelings 6:19 PM: how long did it take you to get the laurel sachet into it?? 6:34 PM: also thank you thank you thank you for helping me find a friendly church to celebrate all saints day 6:47 PM: that year was a NIGHTMARE because you forgot to get your white candles and carnelian, and i forgot my holy water, so we were driving around town like Madmen 6:59 PM: it was worth it though 7:03 PM: i left you a script, i think you’ll like it.

November 9:

11:19 PM: i miss you so so much.

November 10:

12:20 AM: ignor this i drank like 12:24 AM: a lot 1:15 AM: i’m sorry i should’ve been with you 1:22 AM: i shouldve been there With You. 1:45 AM: but i wasn’t 2:20 AM: i didn’t know thered be a 4:11 PM: shit i just saw these. Sorry to bother you December 2:

10:10 AM: hey roman, been a bit. yea sorry about last time. too much of the Alcohol 10:13 AM: gonna go over to my parents’ house 1:00 PM: if you wanna come over, you can. dad’s making snickerdoodles and papa’s gonna watch atla (yes i still have that dvd you got me do not @ me it’s with your candles on your table just like everything else) 1:03 PM: that was on the dot, i’m happy.

December 21

8:34 AM: hey, it’s snowing 9:13 AM: couldn’t help leaving you some hot cocoa. and snickerdoodles of course 10:12 AM: i love you Remus went to go help his dads with making breakfast, but by the time everyone was done cleaning and they had finished watching some shitty Hallmark movie, he remembered that he had left his phone upstairs. Going upstairs and looking at it, he felt something in him break.

[2 Unread: Roman <3, bf’s dad]

10:22 AM, Roman <3: Why are you texting this number? 11:15 AM, bf’s dad: Remus, disregard that last, I’m so sorry. I just found his phone and I saw only the recent message first

The phone started ringing. Remus answered it as quickly as he could.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Sanders I didn’t know that someone was actually getting these messages I thought the line was out,” he said within a few seconds before the person on the other side sighed.

“No, it’s quite all right. And Virgil’s all right, by the way, if you prefer. I... I was just looking through his things for the first time. You know, it being a holiday and all... Memories, things like that.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I just turned the phone back on, I’m getting a lot of messages.”

“Oh.” Remus stared at the wall, trying to come to terms with everything. “Well, I--”

“I’m not going to stop paying for his phone. I’m sorry, I just... I still have his voicemails on it, and I can’t stand the thought of it going offline either.”

“Right, I... I listen to it too.”

“I happened upon the last one he sent to you.”

“You looked at the messages?”

“I only looked over when I stopped getting new ones, but I saw the last question he sent you. For your ring size.”

“Yeah? He asked my ring size so that he could--”

“There’s no easy way to say this, but.. I found something of his. Can you come over?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t, but can you please tell me what it was? Please?”

“I really think I should tell you this in person.”

“Please, Mr. Sanders. Please, I... I can’t manage that.”

He sighed. “All right, Remus. I found an early acceptance letter to SJAU, and... and a ringbox.”

Remus felt his grasp on the phone grow weak. It fell onto the bed, Mr. Sanders’ voice still clear.

“I think he was going to ask for you to....”

“No, we... We were just out of high school, I-- that doesn’t make sense.”

“He always was one for those romantic gestures. There’s some poems here, too. A life-plan. I’m not sure exactly what malacology is, but--”

“Mollusks. Like octopi and squids.. Sorry for cutting you off, what was that?”

“Some of it’s in your handwriting, but one of the entries is ‘ask him’, for the day after... you know.”

God, he could hear his sad smile through the phone. He knew exactly how Mr. Sanders looked right now just talking to him, probably wearing that hoodie that was too big on him, in a dusty room full of things that used to belong to the most vibrant person that Remus had ever met.

But then Roman had died.

He was the most wonderful person, and he had just died.

“I’ll come over to deliver the ring to you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s... that’s fine. Uh, call my dads first, though. They’re still not convinced I’m doing okay.”

“I understand. I’ll talk to you later, Remus.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sanders.”

The line went dead in his hands.

Remus held himself and wept.

December 28:

12:30 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: Mr. Sanders, would you like to come over for our New Year’s party? 12:34 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: It’s a tradition we had. You don’t have to if you’d rather not. 12:45 PM, Virgil Sanders: I’d love to go.

January 1:

12:00 AM: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 12:05 AM: [Attachment: :)] 12:07 AM: we are all smiling in this photo and for that i think we deserve a hug. 12:10 AM: this rings the most beuatifl thing i’ve ever fuckign seen. thank you,, 12:14 AM: never gonna get rid of it <3 12:16 AM: it looks Good on my finger 12:30 AM: jsyk your dad’s asking my dads for the kouign amann recipe 12:32 AM: thats a pastry, i left those for u a while back 12:39 AM: okay i’m crying a bit but honestly, i love u 12:44 AM: I love you so so so much, Roman

Somewhere out there, whether it was from some wonderful paradise or beyond the veil or even only in wishful thoughts, Remus knew that someone was saying I love you too.

#remrom #remrom writing #my fics

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mao-s-mess · 6 years

Text

Graduation ~Yoosung x MC fanfiction~

Yoosung Kim is only a month away to taking his finals exam in SKY University but MC starts acting suspicious during such a critical moment

Also on Fanfiction.net

Graduation Yoosung x MC fanfiction Disclaimer: All Mystic Messenger characters belong to Cheritz I didn't describe MC in detail so it could be any of the 5 MCs or your very custom ones! "MC! Come on!" a boy in his early 20s with bleached blonde hair and purple-coloured hair whined with a face of disappointment.

"No 'buts'. Your parents and sister also agree this is for the best. It is after all your finals." his girlfriend, MC; said sternly as she toss a bunch of the blonde's clothes into a luggage bag that was laid out on his bed.

Yoosung Kim crossed him arms and frowned at his girlfriend as she busily goes through his wardrobe.

In about a month's time, he will be seating for his final year examination in Veterinary medicine and what has been suggested and pretty much decided for him is that he and MC will be switching houses for the next month.

"Look, when you get pressured or stressed you tend to distract or 'de-stress' yourself with sleep or LOLOL or you start stress cooking. You're too comfortable in your own home so staying at mine where there's nothing much to do will be the best for you"

She was reaching for the last drawer when he frantically ran over and held it shut with his hands.

"I'll pack my underwear myself thank you!" he insisted as his ears and cheeks turned red.

MC raised her hands and backed away from his cabinet as he selected his underwear to pack.

"I know that's where you keep your por-"

"What?"

"I- i said don't forget to pack your SOCKS."

He nodded and threw in a few pairs of socks into the luggage looking very annoyed. His breathing was irregular; deep huffs but elongated exhales, a habit he has when he wants to say something but haven't found the words yet.

As much as MC found this habit of his adorable she had to stay serious. She knew oh so well he hated things planned out for him without his knowledge or approval but the exam stress has already gotten to him and it was only a matter of time before he has a breakdown and turns to his "can't be bothered" persona.

She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms across his torso; she felt his body tensing up as she did so. She didn't need to see his face to know he was blushing at her sudden action. She smiled as she buried her face into his back.

"MC?!" he flustered waiting for a response. When he recovered from the surprise hug, he placed his own hands over hers. He could feel her breath against his back as he looked down at her arms around him.

She wasn't that much older than him and just finished her university course shortly before she stumbled upon the RFA.

When MC came into the picture, it was probably the worst time for him; he was blinded from his grief of losing Rika, major hatred towards V, was lost with his directions in life as well as had difficulty handling his emotions but she accepted all that of him and even more; she helped him out of that phase in his life.

It has been about 2 years after the incident where he lost sight in his left eye at the hands of the hacker who called himself Unknown but the two have been inseparable since the party where he proclaimed his love and kissed her then and there.

It certainly wasn't an easy relationship being Yoosung's first and he had a rather fairytale concept and expectations of how a relationship should be. He realized the hard way that you either have to be seriously rich, like Jumin Han to pull a lot of things off or have magic and he had neither.

As for MC, it was a major test of patience and constant game of reassuring for Yoosung. She didn't have a relationship as serious as this before but both of them have managed to worked things out together even though they quarreled here and there.

"I just want what's best for you.." her voice muffled from burying her face into his back.

"Okay.." he responded in a defeated tone.

He turned around to give her a kiss on the forehead, when they first dated, he wasn't that much taller than her but he started participating in some sports and also joining Zen on some runs in the park outside Zen's place so he grew a bit, definitely more physical activity than when he was just playing LOLOL when he wasn't eating or at Uni.

"You're doing this because I'm important to you right?" he said with a small smile as he placed her palm against his cheek.

"You're number 1 to me!" she flashed the smile that he loves so very much.

"Meowww~"

Lisa, the cat they adopted together from Jumin 2 years ago nuzzled up against Yoosung's leg.

MC bend down to pick up Lisa to cradle her.

"Lisa's a close second tho, we're both rooting for you!"

Yoosung scratched Lisa behind her ear as she purred.

"Okay fine... I'll do it. I'll spend a month in your place for the finals... Thank you for thinking about me."

"Thank you! I've already asked Seven to help with your LOLOL. Either he plays your account or he'll assign a bot to it"

"A BOT?! I don't want to get banned! I'm currently number 1! I've only managed to beat Seven because he's always away on assignments now"

"Banned? Please. This is Luciel we're talking about. How bold of you to think he'll screw this up, this is a walk in the park for him."

"...Fine... i have lots of important gears there you know..."

"I know how much LOLOL is important to you. It was number 1 for you before I came along ;p " she said cheekily as she looked around for more things to pack.

"Okay okay.. can we have dinner and dates at times?"

"Yes of course! We'll play by ear as usual around your schedule"

"Okay.. how about next week, Wednesday then? I'm free the whole day"

MC froze up.

...?

"Uhm.. next Wednesday.. is no good... I have a meeting with Jaehee about uhm some part time event work thingy"

There it was. A habit Yoosung knows very well.

MC can't hide secrets or tell lies very well. On the Messenger and texts it's not so much of a problem. It's the face to face and phone calls that gives it away, she'll start to avoid eye contact and stutter.

"What are you hiding?"

"NO-NOTHING!" she waved her hands furiously as she went to grab more shirts from Yoosung's cupboard.

"I just have a meeting planned with Jaehee that is all! About some part time work thingy-YEA!"

Yoosung's brows scrunches up.

"And that's the reason you want me to bug her phone?" A boy not that much older than Yoosung with bright reddish orange hair and amber-coloured eyes asked with raised eyebrow.

Luciel Choi aka 707 was the RFA's secret agent/hacker/nonsense maker. He has a love for fast cars, cats, honey buddha chips and dr pepper. Yoosung came over (after a few attempts of trying to decipher Seven's security system) because MC hasn't revealed any plans on her day with Jaehee and that just made even more suspicious especially since her fabrication details keep changing.

First it was a meeting then it was a shopping trip and then it was a Zen fanclub related outing and then she said she was meeting family.

"She's not telling me anything. She usually does in the end"

"Maybe she's trying to keep something from you"

"We're not suppose to keep secrets! It's bugging me so yes that's why i want you to bug her phone so I can find out. What if she's not meeting Jaehee, what if- what if-"

Seven slapped a packed of Honey Buddha Chips across Yoosung's face (semi lightly) as he had chips in his own mouth, shaped like a duck.

"You realized this is MC. The woman who put up with your emotional ass even after you keep comparing her to Rika. If she didn't abandon you then, what makes you think she'll abandon you now"

Yoosung bit his lips. He knew Seven was right, words stung but he was definitely right. MC cheating on him would be the last thing she'd ever do. He felt bad doubting her for that option.

"I still want to know what she's hiding from me though"

"Ugh. You'll never leave until you get something anyway. So what's in it for me"

"That LOLOL limited edition gacha item you couldn't get because the event happened when you went incognito 2 months ago."

Seven's mouth opened and his duck chips fell out.

"WHAT... ARE YOU SERIOUS. PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY AUCTIONING THAT OFF FOR REAL MONEY"

"You can have it. I also got the rare one too"

Seven did an impression of Edvard Munch's The Scream. He was that much in shock.

"If i take it i can sell it for real money too?"

"Do whatever you want with it"

"Even to buy new accessories for my babies?"

"Wait-can it be auctioned off that much?"

"NO TAKE BACKS. Do we have a deal? Your LOLOL rare item for an all access day pass to MC's phone"

"Do it."

"YAHOO~ LET'S DO IT THEN" he swiveled around on his chair to face his monitors and starting tapping away at the keyboard.

"Tapping into her GPS location... Done.. She's at a cafe not too far off from the C&R building.. Let me just pull up one of the security camera feed and... THERE. "

Yoosung leaned over towards the monitor and sure enough there was MC.

"OHMYGOSH WHO IS THAT A HOT GUY SHE'S WITH" Seven exclaimed.

Yoosung heart leaped and started panicking as he scanned the monitor in depth.

"Oh. LOL. My bad. That's just Jaehee. 8D "

It was Yoosung's turn to slap Seven with the Honey Buddha Chips packet across the face; sure enough MC was with another RFA member, Jaehee Kang; personal assistant to Jumin Han.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

The two girls seems to be chattering away happily when MC's face turned serious as she put her cup of coffee down.

"Can we listen in on them" Yoosung asked as he tries to read their lips but failing.

"Okay okay..." Seven said as he starting clicking away at the keyboard again.

Some feedback could be heard on the speaker when MC and Jaehee's voice came on.

---

Jaehee: So what was it you wanted to talk about? And why are we keeping a secret about this from Yoosung?

MC: Well... cos it's embarrassing really..

Jaehee: Embarrassing? With how you two are always at each other, showering cringe-worthy compliments and texts? How can anything be embarrassing?

MC: Heehee...

MC clapped both her hands together suddenly in a pleading manner.

MC: JAEHEE TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE PLEASE

Jaehee: What. Why me. And Yoosung learned how to brew coffee from his coffee club, wouldn't that be better?

MC: But you have more in depth info on it.. You are passionate about the beans and the roast.

Jaehee: A month ago you asked Mr. Han for a private cooking session with his chef. Then you were looking around for some classes on baking.. Now coffee from me? What's going on.

MC fidgeted and looked down, her face turning red.

MC: Well... I'm trying to be a good girlfriend for Yoosung.

Jaehee: I don't understand, aren't you already a good one? He can't stop raving about you.

MC: To be honest, he doesn't show it but he's doing most in the relationship. He'll insist on cooking and he's always trying out new recipes, he also insists on being the one paying for dates even though he isn't working yet, he saves up a lot for our dates. I try to help but his ego won't allow me to take some of that burden away, he believes as the man in the relationship, he's got duties to fulfill.

At this point a warm smile came across her face.

MC: He's giving his all to become a vet when he didn't have any motivation or purpose before; medical isn't an easy line and he's working extra hard because of his left eye injury too and he'll be so busy soon getting that license and practical and all.. I don't know...

MC blushes as she took another sip of her drink before she continued

MC: I just... I want to do more than just offer words of support to him. I want to support him as much as I can even something as little as cooking for him or preparing a cup of coffee when he needs it. I'll be looking for work soon so that I don't seem like a bum that is leeching off him.. So at least I can help our wit the groceries or bills and transport fees and all.. And probably save up for trips for when he gets a break and stuff... I just... I just want to do more for him you know?

Jaehee gave a small giggle as she slid her fork through the slice of cake in front of her.

Jaehee: You're really something.. Always having such a positive attitude towards the face of change. Or danger.

Jaehee shuddered at the memory.

Jaehee: I hope that bomb is finally removed.

MC and Jaehee laughed at that remark as they continued on.

---

Back at Seven's headquarters (?), Yoosung stood stunned at the conversation he just eavesdropped on.

After a while, tears welled up in his eyes and he turned furiously red in the face.

"Whoa. You're as red as my hair" Seven said as he grabbed his phone to snap a photo of Yoosung's crying face.

"You-you meanie. Whydyouhabtotakeapicturofme"

"Can't understand you. SELFIE" He grabbed Yoosung by the shoulder and snapped another photo before he ruffled up Yoosung's bleached hair.

"You realize how frickin' blessed you are now? Now go and study hard for that examination of yours. If not for Rika, If not for yourself then make it for your future with her."

Yoosung rubbed his eyes with the sleeves of his beloved hoodie. Another renewed resolution for himself.

Half a year later the RFA gathered at Yoosung's graduation ceremony at SKY university

"To think that kid didn't bothered with uni in the beginning, I didn't even know he was taking a course like veterinary" Zen said as he occasionally stopped to smile and wave at some female fans. His career as a musical artist soared beyond the stage and onto television in the past few years. That also meant more fans.

"Well he did it for Rika at first because of Sally..." V stated as he was adjusting the settings on his camera to ensure he doesn't miss any shots of Yoosung. Much to persistence of his fellow RFA members, he managed to receive an operation on his right eye to stop him from going blind. He slowly started to take photographs again.

"He always did perform better if it's for someone else but it is rather surprising that he graduated at the top of his class and is chosen as the valedictorian." Jaehee said as she scanned through the graduation event schedule.

"He worked really really hard! His parents and sister are in the front, i saw them just now. They're so so proud!" MC said proudly.

"Indeed he did, his results were so superb it caught wind from one of our medical panel and they've offered him a position in one of our hospitals to undergo private practice so his future is secured as of now" Jumin Han spoke in his usual tone of voice. "I did not even need to put in any word of recommendation."

"I managed to retrieve my number 1 spot in LOLOL again because of this, he stopped religiously for the past few months" Seven said as he took a sip from a can of Dr. Pepper.

"It was nice of him to invite all of us. I know 2 tickets were allocated but you can purchase additional tickets for everyone else." Zen said as he posed for some girls who were trying to sneak a photo of him.

"Oh i paid for it. C&R is a major sponsor for the graduation, which is why we have such good and somewhat private seating" Jumin stated as he adjusted his cuff links.

"Tch. You just had to ruin it" Zen glared at the trust fund kid. Their relationship, as usual; have seen better days.

"I think it's great we're all here though" MC said happily.

"Yea, Jaehee and I weren't there for his high school one and we got to make sure we get proper smiling one for today!" Seven said with determination.

"Oh, it's starting" V said as he readied his camera, he brought his best zoom lens for this as the crowd quieted down.

Professors and head of programmes gave their welcome speeches before the calling of graduates, there were a lot of names being called out. The RFA cheered and clapped loudly when Yoosung's name was read out.

Yoosung walked proudly onto stage as he tipped his graduation cap to the head of programme upon receiving his degree and posing for a picture. A proud moment for him and those who were there for him. They all waited for the rest of the graduates to receive their degrees before Yoosung was called to stage to deliver the valedictorian speech.

"An-nyŏng-ha-se-yo! My name is Yoosung Kim and I am honoured to be delivering the Valedictorian speech this year."

A round of applause roared across the hall as the his Amethyst eyes scanned the crowd for the RFA and his beloved.

"It's really an honour because I wasn't always a model student. Well I was in high school but something happened that made me not take the first 2 years of university seriously."

"You see, I failed my exams and sometimes I'd fall asleep in class. I'd forget days where there are quizzes and had almost no motivation to come to class, I would often skip classes to play LOLOL."

"However, there were people who did not give up on me and I am thankful that I was given another chance to pick myself up. I knew I had to put in the extra effort as I wasted the first two years despite having an accident that caused me to lose sight, literally; in my left eye. It wasn't easy that is for sure but because of this 2nd chance, I did the best I could in all classes and I guess it showed with my results and also the fact that I was chosen as the Valedictorian. "

"What I'm trying to say is, sometimes in life we'll get lost and we don't perform our best, we fall and fail and when that happens, it feels like you're surrounded by darkness but I know of a saying, "Fall seven times, get up eight". There is a light in all of us, sometimes you'll find it yourself but most times you are assisted by outsiders to help you realise your potential. I have friends and family inside and outside the uni that had my back, professors who saw my efforts in getting better helping me out and most of all, I have a wonderful and supportive girlfriend that stood by my side and I'm really thankful for that. It was because of her that I felt that i could do anything and everything I set my heart into."

"This kind of feels déjà vu-ish" Zen said as he listened intently to Yoosung's speech.

"SKY University never gave up on their students and i am proof of that. So fellow students and friends, we tip our hats to our Professors, to our family and friends that have supported us but most of all, give yourself a pat on the back because we made it!"

He ended his speech with a word of congratulations to the students and wishing them the best in their future before walking off the stage with a round of applause tailing him. As soon as he got off the stage he nodded to his family before running off to meet the members of the RFA.

He was congratulated by every member but his eyes were fixated on MC.

"Congratulations on graduating!" MC said as she threw her arms around him when she had the chance to.

Yoosung blushed and gave a cheeky grin.

"Who'd have thought I'd be chosen to deliver that speech!"

"Not us" said almost all of the RFA in unison in less than a split second.

"YOU GUYS ARE MEAN!" Yoosung said with a puffed up cheek before breaking into laughter with the rest of the RFA.

"I'd like to personally thank every one of you for being here and for never giving up on me when I wasn't bothered with uni."

Then he turned to MC

"Most of all, thank YOU for coming into my life and blessing me with all of you. I graduated from uni but I feel like I have also graduated from my old self with the end of this chapter in my life. It's time to move on with the next chapter and I feel like I can take anything on as long as you are by my side. "

"So..."

He held her hand when he suddenly kneel down on one knee to everyone's surprise and took out a small box from underneath his robe and opened it to reveal a ring.

"MC, will you please marry me and make me an even happier person than I thought I could ever be?"

THE END

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choric · 6 years

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( park jimin - demimale, he/they ) — did you see noeul han walking down the street? the twenty-three year old has lived here for three weeks. i heard they’re an aspiring painter & a part-time barista now, time sure flies. gooey by glass animals always did remind of them, maybe it’s because they’re so audacious & charitable. though i did hear they can also be commanding & capricious if you catch them on a bad day.

hey babes drum-roll it’s admin fany here to welcome yall~ with some random info about me I guess uh so I’m 26, living in northern europe, most of the time dying bc I’m not made for these hot ass summers, other times just being distracted twelve times outta ten jsyk I’m not ignoring anyone my attention span is just in the negatives. or I’m playing overwatch. or subnautica when I’m feeling particularly masochistic. would drop dead without tea. ye. that’s all for today folks

anyway here’s Noeul’s profile if you wanna peep also a very messy plot page aaaand I’m gonna ramble about him now uwu

tw: emotional abuse, tw: assault ( kinda brief mentions, esp the assault, I tried keeping it safe )

born in Seoul but his family moved to USA when he was barely 6. they moved around a l o t since then but stayed within the borders. save for one weird year in France back in 2010

he haTED it. all the constant moving around and starting at new schools with new people trying to get new friends and find new hobbies and leaving pretty much everything behind so often just stressed the hell out of his young self and he was in a perpetual state of over-emotional about the whole ordeal and angry and bitter and yeah. not having a good time

over the years he managed to find ways to cope with it, drawing and painting being a major thing as it was one of very few things he could just continue without any special arrangements made or it feeling different. putting all that bent up negativity on paper was helpful in itself so he stuck with it without much thought then, clinging into a lifeline of one constant in a sea of variables

later on it morphed from being less of a therapeutic activity and more one of him being able just flow with creativity, paint with a less personal agenda and enjoy it way more too ( not to say he doesn't still use it as a form of escapism too )

reading was another thing he found enjoyment in, especially during his early teenage years. that is something he doesn't engage that often in anymore however

his parents didn’t really care about what hobbies he took on ( even with painting carrying throughout the years he ended up trying a whole slew of other things too ) until it became apparent he was actually considering art as a legit career path. neither agreed it being a good idea but they didn’t flat out deny him either.. just were very patronising about it for months and by that time he had come to actual decision of going through with it out of pettiness alone lmao. which of course served nothing but to legit piss them off and led to a number of arguments they still have to this day yikes

his parents entire view on life seemed to be there was no point getting attached to anything, sentimentality was a flaw and you could just buy everything you needed again without much care for what was left behind. especially his mom had a lot of emotionally abusive ways to steer his life in the direction she wanted, but giving just enough freedom for him to think he had a say in anything. not to say she wasn’t supportive and encouraging too but he honest to god can’t tell now how much of it was genuine. she was especially fond of using subtle blackmail in form of referring to her own feelings and how his actions will upset her, occasionally bursting into a loud tirade which was then quickly pushed to the side without any apologies for making him in turn upset so boy was always just on edge. this still happens but he pretty much only communicates with her through calls anymore so, Noeul just hangs up when she starts acting up. his dad was more the type to not involve himself into his hobbies and likes or anything at all he only cared about academic plans.

that all messed him up big time in his younger years bc he was inherently just very attached to everything and everyone but now.. it’s almost the complete opposite, enough repetition and shit will stick I guess cause he has next to no sentimental feelings towards anything, in turn actually loves travelling and meeting new people now. partially also cause he doesn’t feel obligated to uphold anything or allow himself being chained down, he treats everything like it’s fleeting, but not without care– don’t assume he doesn’t care when that’s something he does in abundance actually. he just.. accepts nothing lasts forever. ironic enough he’s adopted far too many of his parent’s habits to count now but has grown more tender with the experiences rather than cold. probably a miracle in itself. hella guarded about his feelings tho

so yeah he moved to LA ( parents were at the time both living in NYC ) for art school and got that bachelor of fine arts degree, graduating just spring last year and has no desire to further those studies cause screw school he’s done with institutions for a decade

also his parents filed for divorce while he was at it. before he was even done with freshman year. wasn’t all too surprising nor did he have anything to really say about it, except the times mom called him whilst drunk and essentially blamed it on him being a bad son :/// his dad’s fucked off somewhere he hasn’t heard whole lot from him in last three years beside birthday texts and money transfers to his bank account. and subtle messages through mom about how he expects him to clean up one of these days. meanwhile mom mostly contacts just to check he’s alive & doing well financially while slipping in vague ‘if you would have just listened to me‘s and ‘when will you come to your senses’s >_>

forgot to mention his dad’s a CEO of a small airline company. don’t ask me what his mom does idk prob some manager of a huge ass successful online shop?? something along those lines

will not speak about them if asked tbh don't expect anything other than "they're alive."

does not like announcing his ( their ) wealth to the world either and tries not to make decisions that could reflect that but something always has to give in the end. like he’s just way too happy to blow money on other people no matter how subtle he tries to be about it and often like his parents buys new stuff instead of finding ways to bring his old along, some of his clothes are also a dead giveaway it’s not so much that he specifically purchases anything cause it’s designer but if it looks nice he doesn’t see it as any different buying from any other store around. smells awfully lot like privilege but he’s unapologetic in getting exactly what he wants, it’s not his problem if someone takes offence to that

kind of also hates that he’s so dependant on parent’s money still but has made peace with it by giving away and works twice as hard for his own stuff, regardless if it yields anything cause he’s not doing this whole painting thing as a means to gain money ( would like to, but alas, it’s a tricky career path ) more from pure passion for the art

and noeul def is not gonna tell them to stop sending him cash he'll just have fun spending it in all the shit they'd hate-- even if they've basically set conditions but weird enough haven't cut him off yet. guess that really is the only thing they can give him and they know it too :))

so. doesn’t actually like sitting idle even tho he all but could, yet cannot happily place himself in an establishment with very strict 9 to 5 shifts and such, so if and when he takes on extra work occasionally it’s always part-time, and for own personal gratification

in the case of him recently taking on a spot as a part-time barista here in acarike ( started like, two days ago or something ) was also bc of keeping up appearances ( surely he would run out of money eventually? no, but no one needs to know that ) and getting to know some of the people around since his group of road-tripping friends have seriously decided to settle in

if anyone was wondering yes he has experience working in cafes, among other places. his parents abhorred him taking on such jobs at all cause “what was the point? are we not providing enough?” first of all did he ask?

I guess he is currently residing in the stardust motel?? but is looking for a place

for him travelling in the past few years has been sorta cathartic, inspiring if I dare say both in personal growth and in his work since he can decide on everything by himself, where he wants to go, for how long, for why etc

sometimes likes when he has company for that, other times he just needs to make a trip in solitary. altogether prefers meeting random people along the way

is a kind of odd friend, loyal, compassionate and all that but puts himself before anyone else. or rather puts his emotional and other needs before everything else. if he feels you’re the one getting more out of it than he is it’s not worth it sorry. very generous tho and sees it as his duty to help others in any way if it doesn’t inconvenience him. not unreliable but available only when it suits him. so unless it’s life threatening or emotional distress he will not drop everything for even a friend’s sake you can wait an hour or two. can make friends as quick as he drops them

might get a little inappropriately affectionate with friends. especially so when intoxicated

is an even weirder lover. he loves the idea and feeling of being in love and the emotional thrill of it. relationships are fun yeah but commitment?? not in his. vocabulary. to elaborate he lives for the push and pull and the suspense of it all and needs things to stay stimulating on all levels across the board when deepening relationships further while also being able to maintain a sense of own freedom. he craves the sort of emotional security and gratification it all brings but refuses to become dependant on it ( he knows how that will go ), furthermore does not like all the limitations it brings nor everything being perfect to the point of feeling fake??

tries to make it clear that he’s NOT looking for anything long term but even then people haven’t taken it well when he out of the blue announces they should stop whatever it is they’re doing. he always feels bad about it and tries to part in good terms but yeah :// many hearts have been broken. it’s probably even worse for the other person cause Noeul himself seems to have absolutely no problem continuing his life like nothing happened. all this has made him into a bit of a serial dater??

in whole he takes everything as they are, nothing is everlasting and he doesn’t try to make it so, doesn’t necessarily want to. values experiences but doesn’t get too hung up on letting go of them. including relationships. this is something a lot of people in his life wont understand and it’s frustrating for everyone involved sometimes but you gotta do what you gotta do. might be scared of opening up to people. of that attachment. maybe he’s actually just picky and is waiting for something out of the world magical who knows

repels all negativity as if his life depended on it like. add begone thot meme here

but can also be very confrontational so???

is actually in constant war with himself over positive and negative emotions but filters that out pretty handily. most of the time. cause uh absolutely will turn vicious and loud when angry. sensitive to criticism and personal attacks but gets over it quick enough. does hold grudges but mainly towards people whose opinion he cares about. strangers rarely phase him. has random emotion™ bursts but tbh only cries when being shouted at and/or being target of someone’s wrath-- OR when noeul's angry himself?? also lowkey dramatic but most of the time he’s just sorta chill and cheery, occasionally sarcastic but in a good-natured way he doesn’t mean ill with it. has very strong opinions on some things but doesn’t care if someone else sees it differently. as long as they’re not saying their way is the only right way. or if their reasoning is utter bullshit which he will call out then :))

negative people just make him laugh. will not take your ass seriously at all if you’re being a douche. used to take offence to these kinds of people all the time but he’s grown out of it and learned to simply ignore people who don’t deserve the time of his day. at least outwardly.

similarly used to be very.. well. lets say prone to letting people control and push him around cause that’s what he had learned to accept but whoo boy when he finally figured it out and took the reigns into own hands no one could stop him try it bitch

likes doing things in own terms in general, need for control has kinda taken off so will not take kindly to being ordered around in any manner. tries not to impose on other people or be pushy himself but cannot stand indecisiveness so. it happens. for better or for worse

in tune with his surroundings and current community of people if something’s off he can sense it and it will bug him to no end before it’s fixed. this could be anything from his room being in disarray to something going on in the city in whole

I ain’t saying he’s a psychic but actually stupid intuitive most cases WILL see through your bullshit don’t even try

…ok but lowkey into supernatural stuff and spirituality all that jazz he’s gone through it all while trying to find himself– which is a whole another can of worms we ain’t opening here

did I forget to mention noeul and co ( minho & jae ) rolled into town in this shiny big rv. he's def looking to buy a smaller car to drive around

not too keen on giving rides to strangers since this one time two summers ago that went south real fast when a guy pulled a knife on him. has a pretty big scar to show for it on his right side? tummy?? there’s a pic in the profile page if you’re curious. he jokes about it now "it adds character" but is actually terrified of that happening again so perpetually jumpy minho blames himself for it cause he's dumb

you can prob hear him coming 5 miles away with the amount of jewellery he adorns

don’t get me started on his wardrobe it’s a mixed bag and then some. gender norms belong into the fiery pits of a volcano

is equal parts a tea & coffee enthusiast basically lives off that stuff. i'm probably not even exaggerating here boy forgets to eat when he gets focused on something and just wolfs down a pot of coffee.

obsessed with watermelon flavoured lollipops probably has one on him at all times somehow magically pulls them outta thin air??

you can prob find him painting outside in the randomest places when the weather's nice

likes painting on people probably as much as painting them

it’s not an intimacy thing I swear. but. can be?? probably accidentally turns that way that’s just how he is

prefers either to focus on faces ( eyes specifically ) or nude models in general fcking @ him

this. is so long already I’m sorry omg

and that’s all I got my brains’ fried over this all but yo come plot with me pls also check my plots maybe orrr if you want me to check your plots ( I’d love to!! ) come poke me ay ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

#acarike:intro #i am physically incapable of keeping these things short #hands out cookies to anyone who read through all that bless your heart #cake gif bc CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON!

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thedappleddragon · 3 years

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twofer because sleep schedule madness

Woken up at noon by dad, left at 2something to go driving for a couple hours to practice parallel parking, running over lots of cones in the process because they were too short for us to see. Stopped practice early so we could go to the hardware store to pick up hooks so my sister can set up a hammock, and went grocery shopping where it was VERY CROWDED and gave me a little headache, partially from chewing gum too long. We got home and my dad started cooking dinner on the grill and I helped by making stuffed mushrooms which turned out amazing :) we had asparagus and mushrooms and scallops and burgers and pork chops and hot dogs and pasta salad and potato salad oh my. My friend dropped by to pick up the bear I made them, but first they went grocery shopping and lost their wallet lol. Afterwards I hung out for a bit and accidentally fell asleep. I woke up for half a second when my dad came in to turn off my light, and didn’t wake up again until 1am or so. My dreams were centered around a mechanic of matching rhythms and events to move time forward or something, idk. But since I went to bed early and just now woke up when I would normally start thinking about going to sleep, I’m afraid I’ve fucked up my sleep schedule and won’t be able to go back to sleep tonight. I’m gonna try tho. (all that was typed at 1 am, its now midnight the next night) so no I did NOT go back to sleep. instead I watched tiktoks and drew Bugsnax but mostly some random gemsonas. I washed the sun rise and heard my mom come home from morning shift, but eventually my sister got up and started her day so I got up too. I felt just a little sick, just like the embodiment of sour milk, and my head spun just a little bit as I walked down the hall. but I ate a bagel and hung out and was fine. there was freezing rain outside so all the trees had little icicles on them so I couldn't go outside with my cat, and I couldn't go driving with my dad. I finfished up the tiktok and hung out, played some stardew valley, ya know. I talked with my mom for a little bit and we ate together and I struggled to not eat the rest of the girl scout cookies dad bought yesterday. I was just chilling in my room when my sister walked in with a letter from ball state talking about tuition costs, and I made the mistake of showing my dad which stressed him out on his day off which I feel kinda bad about. but then he kept giving me lists of stuff to do and kept telling me; in the kitchen, in the living room, standing in my doorway- it sucked. instead of doing something productive I listened to tally hall and put on 5 asmr videos at once to block out everything I possibly could and I just laid like that for a while until I could move again. my brother texted me and i watched a video about the dorm I'm staying in and DAMN IT LOOKS SO NICE?? its a new building with fully stocked maker spaces and a kitchen and semi-private bathrooms and communal spaces that remind me of my high school and a really clean and tidy laundry room. I think I'll like living there, but tbh lately I've been stressed and hesitant about college. I know it’ll be a great time and I'll learn a lot but I cant help it. idk man. but I did spend some time checking off stuff for the to-do list they sent in the mail. I don't understand the proxy but I promise I'll do it soon. I also set up a time/date for my drivers license test which I do not feel ready for AT ALL but hey we still have a week and a halfish. I also need to tally up my driving hours which is hard because I didn't consistently write them down :x oops. I'm pretty dang sure I have enough, I just have to fudge the exact times. that's another thing I was supposed to do today. ugh god I'm thinking too much about college tuition. maybe if I can funnel my energy away from stardew and back into fursuit making, I can make some decent money off of that. I just need to order a couple furs but the long white shag is out of stock right now. it’s never in stock tho which fuckin sucks. bleh I have too many things happening at once, and on top of all this I feel like a lazy shithead disappointment of a child because I just bum around the house all the time while all my friends are working full time or doing school or both and fhdgfdsflgjs shit sucks :( I think I'll get some good pictures of my brown puffy paws and try to pawn them off, maybe sell one of my mostly-finished fursuit heads as a fixer upper and throw in her unfinished paw and the fabric I used for it if I can find it. for now I just dont want to think about it and play stardew valley or something instead. I was gonna say maybe I’ll play Webkinz but it brings me a little sense of dread because I feel bad for not playing daily but when I do it feels like a chore. ughhhhh why do I have to throw myself into things 100% for a while and then give up on them? oh right its the mental illness. fuck. maybe some of this is just from being awake for almost 24 hours now. but does it even count if most of that time is laying in bed concerting energy anyway? I found out during highschoolI can pull an all nighter mostly unscathed as long as I'm laying down in bed while I do it. Ifeel guilty about not using my desk or cleaning my room or having mom spend all this time money and effort to try and make my room nice but instead I still do everything in bed. fuck. I wished I could have talked with my friend about feeling left behind and unproductive since school let out but it turns out she’s been working full time so I really am a slacker and dragging behind everyone else. why the fuck am I like this I hate it here why do I have to go through life with unmedicated adhd. godamnit this is all gonna be irrelevant in like 5 minuted when I fuck off and watch youtube to forget about it anyway so who cares. I didnt mean for my daily report to turn into a vent, sorry

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #march 2021 daily #2021 daily #long post #vent #also I started feeling very Gender during the tally hall moment

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zenitharr-blog · 6 years

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Hi. It's weird writing here, but I just wanted to let it all out. I don't really have anyone to talk to. Apparently writing down heavy stuff helps a bit so here goes. Exactly a year ago everything went to shit for me starting with job problems as I wasn't sure if the company was gonna extend my contract and ending with relations with my family.

As you can guess, the company I was working for for almost a year didn't extend my contract and with the end of February 2017 I was left without a job and any income. That's also when I booked my plane tickets to Finland for the first time. January was also a month where relations with my brother went totally to shit. By that I mean we stopped talking, because at this point everyone tried to stop me from going to Finland including my mother and sister as well. With my brother however it's kinda different, because while sister was being weird for years and we didn't really talk much, with him we had really good realtions. But then when one time I just said I won't talk to him about my leave to Finland, because even thought about it was giving me serious panic attacks he just said: Congratulations on knowing everything, have a high five with your sister. Now, you have to understand, that talk with my brother is basically him talking for 90% of the time and rest is just you not knowing what to answer. Then few days later he showed up in my room and I was afraid what it was about. He and his wife bought me really expensive phone few months back and they both agreed that it's as a birthday present. So what e had to say was me giving like 100 zl every month for a phone. I wasn't even thinking when I said: just give me your account number, I'll give you the whole money back. And that was it. He sent me the number via text and I gave them back the whole 2500 zl. We didn't really talk since then, but then in July he came up to me asking to go with them for a week to Greece, cause they already booked everything, but his wife was having problems. By problems I mean they're getting divorce now. It was more about him not having anyone with proper english outside the country and since I have weak heart I agreed, which I regreted a lot. One time I left our room yelling. Let's leave it here. We haven't talked since then again. Now going back to 2017 before my leave to Finland, my mother was worried, which is totally understandable. So what she did, she told my sister and what my sister did was to come to me with so called "letter" and made me read it in front of her. I obviously ended up with another panic attack after that one hour cause that's how long she was there in my room. The letter was just stuff she found on the internet and printed. What was there as you can imagine was the worst stuff that can happen to yuo if you leave to another country. I won't talk much about it, cause it makes me uneasy as fuck. Anyway I was left broken and anxious to the point where I wanted to hurt myself just to stop the feeling. Two people knew about this and it was obviously my boyfriend who quickly text our best friend and they both talked me out of this. Just imagine me crying in bed with phone in my hand. Cause that's how it was. Our friend told me to write a letter, which I did where I tried explain all my emotions. Our brains are fucked up tools and most of the things we write down or text we wouldn't be able to say out loud. So I wrote that thing and when I had a chance I left it on my mother's desk. That day she showed up in my room and just kissed my head, then left. It helped a bit. Writing that thing. Anyway, with the end of april in 2017 I left to Finland to meet my boyfriend for the first time. It was amazing week. There are no words I could use to describe how it was. But that was when I felt alive. Really alive and happy. But its not what this post is about. Going back was hard. Harder than I thouth it would be. And right after that my mother "wanted to talk". You know how by the tone of someone's voice you're able to tell if it's good or bad... it was bad. So this talk was to inform me, that my parents decided to charge me a certain amount of money every month for living with them. So paying a rent basically. And it's totally fine as I was reading later on the internet. But don't get me wrong, I just came back from Finland leaving my boyfriend for fuck knows how long not to mention I don't have a job yet. I was on call with him as she asked me downstairs so when I came back he was already freaking out and then he heard me crying. With my anxiety I'm really picky when it comes to finding a job, because I'm scared of people. After a month I managed to get a job in a small shop few kilometers outside my city, because I thought it would be okay. It wasn't. I left after month. By then I wasn't paying my mother anything, because I was still hoping she didn't mean it, but then one day she said: it's been two months and you still haven't payed. I just looked at her and said: aight, I hope you'll sleep better with it. I think me deleting her from contacts on skype gave her something to think about because one day I came back home and there was a short letter on my desk with a question: why you hate me so much. Please, let's talk. So next day we had our first talk in months, where I said what I thought was wrong. She was always telling me that people have different problems and for others those problems might not seem like a big deal, but for others it's a life or death. So in this talk, she reffered to my problems as "only". I said what I had to say to her and ended the whole conversation with info of me leaving to Finland at some point. We don't really talk. From the whole rent thing I said I will be paying her half of it and she agreed. At the beginning on July when I came back from Greece I started working in chineese shop right next to my parents place. Since they hired me I wasn't complaining, but it wasn't worth it at all. Working 10 hours per day, 184 hours a month, no matter what month that was. I caught some alergy while working there and currently I'm trying to get an appointement to do a tests. 2017 was a year where my health started to getting worse. Not really the "I caught a cold" kind of worse. I mean the kid of problems you get when you're in a huge stress 24/7. For me it was stomach problems. Since I was afraid to leave my room to eat anything I could go for 4 days without eating anything. When I was finally eating, it was shit. For now, I think it's okay, tho I still have serious stomach troubles whenever I'm in stress. So I worked in that shop for 7 months, left with the end of December. 2 weeks ago I came back from Finalnd again, but this time it was better. We decided with my boyfriend, that in June or if something goes wrong in July I leave to Finland. I hope for good. Now I'm trying to get a job in a small boutique in shopping center in my town, I think I'm getting there, tho it's still not 100% sure. But it'll do for those few months where in a meantime I'll get all formalities done. The only person I'll miss is my dad. He was the nly one supporting me in his own way, he was the only one to notice that I wasn't eating.

But then again, I'm turning 25 in few days and I'm tired of life like I'm 40 or something. Anyway, I learned a lot in 2017, not in a good way, it made me who I am now, but I’m hoping that this year will be better. Mostly because after meeting my boyfriend’s mom and step dad I know I’ll have all the support I need there. Since my sight got much worse his mom got an appointement for me to check the eyesight and to get me glasses. I’m not saying anything, but this saved me a lot of money, since no one here would be willing to do that for me.

I don’t think I’ll be posting here again, but I won’t delete that blog, cause sometimes I just come here and scroll to see wtf is happening here. I’ll post some pics from my last visit in Finland and for some reason posting my face doesn’t seem like a big deal like it used to so I’d call that a progress.

#boop

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braywashed · 7 years

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anyway at some point i should probably ramble about my trip to boston?? so i’m gonna go ahead and do that??

like right off the bat let me just say the worst [art was actually GETTING to mass. my train was supposed to leave at 9:55am, and around 7:50 i got a text saying it was delayed until 1:03pm. we arrived around noon, and gradually my anxiety about going on the trip turned into anxiety of NOT getting on the trip as the board kept delaying... and delaying... and delaying...

....and then it started pouring out. crazy wind. murmurs the train lost signal and all contact with the station. after i finally got on (at 3:00pm), my aunt texted me that all that? yeah. that was a tornado warning. wat.

i got a pair of seats to myself for most of trip. fought with my wifi. listened to the crazy lady rant about dope ruining america a few rows back. mostly enjoyed the view and basked in the fact that i was not, shockingly, puking my stomach lining out. until we got to utica, and a shit ton of people got on.

my seat buddy then became an almost cute 18 year old dude with dreads and a lower half trash polka sleeve who was more interested in his earbuds than anything so i was fine with this. until we were about to MA and a few exchanged word and lazy lounging around turned into him doing THING guys think is cute where they lowkey rub your skin with the side of their finger against my thigh. so i ended up sitting up and the next stop he moved his shit to another seat. YEAH BYE.

along the way we kept having to stop bc signal problems and track construction and letting other trains pass. needless to say the train that was supposed to get in at like 8pm got in at at like 2:30am.

it was miserable, and raining. rachel got us an uber and i sat in the back seat next to some chick wh was super pretty and dressed up and here i was, a goblin, smelling like train restoom, in an ill fitting deadpool hoodie and yoga pants.

when we got to her place she made me some ramen (WITH THE RANDOM EGG AND EVERYTHING) that was good but spicy af and my stomach noped out and tbh over a week later my stomach is just now letting me eat properly again. tho i’m blaming this more on the issues with my abdomen acting up prior to leaving than the actual trip (tho, my skin having pores the size of actual craters i am blaming on the trip). i think the one thing we ate that DIDN’T act up in my body was the awful chicken wings we got from Wings Over that were about half fat and ridiculously undercooked. it figures.

ANYWAY. her futon is huge. it’s sad that i have more leg room on a futon than an actual mattress, but whatever. and there was construction going on across the street. fun fact: i came home to construction going on on MY street. so this was inescapable from the jump.

day 1 i got cute as possible and we hopped a bus and a train. my stomach was less forgiving of the motion here, but i lived. i saw Ron, the T-Rex. and we went to the isabella gardner museum where she lied and said i was a student. i was then asked a bunch of questions about being a student, none of which i was prepared for, and i’m pretty sure the only reason they let me in was because my zip code was accurate. that place is massive and pretty gorgeous from head to toe and i can’t fathom ever being that fucking rich.

then we went to get some food at a nifty little bar and restaurant . the name is escaping me rn but i stole a coaster. again, the food did not agree with me, and i could do a review on boston restrooms at this point. but it was great.

NINJA SEX PARTY! the house of blues wasn’t as bad as reviews made it sound, and aside from the mess that was the merch table they we kind of cheated like assholes due to some pretty honest confusion, was a good time. the line was MASSIVE. we got there an hour early and it was already around the corner and hard to miss. by the time we got towards the front of the building, it was around the block. we met a couple younger dudes from maine and a significantly more awkward gentleman more our age to keep us entertained. there were some street musicians. some asshole staff. you know.

all i really have to say about the concert itself was it was probably the best live music show of any kind i’ve ever been to and definitely the most enjoyable environment (huge tall dude who kept, somehow, ending up directly in front of me aside). everyone sounded amazing live, even if we were RIGHT under the speaker stage left and now permanently have bass vibrations embedded in our bones.

day two we hit up the museum of fine arts, which is massive and we didn’t see all of (and i paid full price for, thank you very much) and then grabbed a pizza and those awful wings and intended to chill out with some boy meets world. but the disks wouldn’t play. so we settled on mst3k. and let me tell you, i have not nearly cried from laughter in something as much as ‘cry wilderness’ nearly made me fucking cry.

day three we headed to south station to meet probes and hung out. there were a bunch of food trucks outside that were kinda neat. we didn’t think that girl would ever fucking find us, but she did. everything was OKAY. NO NEED TO PANIC. NO FIVE HOUR DELAYS. jess gives massive hugs, for the record.

we hit up a spot for lunch where they served be like, the biggest plate of pasta and bread i have ever witnessed in my life. i felt wasteful only eating barely half of it. then we found our way to the trains and the aquarium just in time for some sweet penguin education and eventually a lecture on their huge ass fucking tank that takes up the entire center of the room with a 90 year old sea turtle in it and some sharks and string rays. it was pretty cool, yo. i got a stuffed squid in the gift shop, even tho we did not see any giant squids (0/10 do not recommend) and outside jess gave me a present even though i fucking told everyone no presents (RAChEL ALSO GAVE ME NAIL POLISH AND A WRISTBAND WTF). it was a new day candy bar from fye. and yes, pop rocks n chocolate is surprisingly pleasant.

our PLAN was to go see hitmans bodyguard. but everyone showing it before like 7 was only showing 3d, and we wanted to get her on a bus home by 9. haha what fucking suckers @ us, because the bus didn’t leave until like 10. so we got shitty milkshakes, hit up the comic shop, and wandered around harvard for a bit until it got dark. and then were stuck at south station, wondering if she was going to be stuck in MA forever. reflecting on two quiet nerds and one extrovert being a not great possible combination of three people. but i still had a good time.

day 4 we did, in fact, see hitmans bodyguard and while it was mostly forgettable summer action lulz, i do ship the hell out of samuel l jackson and salma hayek now. so that’s cool. it was a fun time. hit up the park after, and a b&n to get schooled on peak writing stephen king. then we went to starbucks and i HAD STARBUCKS FOR THE FIRST TIME?? it was the double choc ship frap thing. it’s good. i’m mad about it.

we headed back, did laundry, ordered food. i ought her dream daddy, which was a waste of money, but i do take pride in just knowing she’s stuck having technically played a portion of dream daddy now. it’s her own fault for asking about it, it really is. mostly we watched more mst3k, some grumps shit, some random shit, some postmodern jukebox, had a drink. just chilled. and the ‘oh... fuck... haha... i have to go home tomorrow’ feeling hit when i turned off the lights.

i was too bummed the next day for much of anything tbh. i get depressed after anything fun. i get depressed after wwe shows, lmao, so for the trip to already be over when it suddenly seemed like i just got there sucked. plus it only just then really hit me i was in a different part of the country, if that makes sense even if it was only one state over. it was a weird realization as someone who never travels to have.

the train home i wasn’t so lucky to be alone most of it. i ended up in an aisle seat with a college girl. we minded our own business. stuck directly under the AC that was way too cold. a woman and a fucking baby sitting the next row over the second any space cleared out. had a layover in albany where an old guy made me a shot of iced chocolate espresso which he had never been asked to make before, and truthfully, i’d never had before, but it was alright. i actually enjoyed the layover as some weird, space between spaces, time to reflect on my own in an unfamiliar place kind of thing.

we got in around midnight, my aunt picked me up. got home around one.

that was that.

i had a really good time. i’m sure it didn’t seem that way. i’m like that. but i did and i appreciated the opportunity and definitely appreciated rachel for letting me freeload on her futon and showing me around and making me ramen i felt guilty for not finishing.

the city was nice. i’m sure i was only seeing the nicer parts, mind you, but compared to rochester or buffalo it just felt wider, cleaner. idk. i didn’t HATE it, and as someone who hates being in cities for more than a couple hours, it wasn’t bad.

it was a great time away from the world and despite the stress of coming home to everything, and a room without molding on the door (which was, for the record, still locked), i did feel a lot better afterwards. i still do.

#sam does boston mass #no one cares but for my own records u kno

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perfectly-wasted-youthhh · 7 years

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lol binch if I did it you do too, 1-100

lmaoooo spiteful, but whatevs, also mine are gonna be more boring sorry.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? Nope!

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Yes in the sense that they’re in my life and I love them but I guess not fully in the sense that I’ll still feel upset sometimes.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

I think of cats. Like what

4: What’s something you really want right now?

To be comfy with my body so I don’t have to stress about it over the summer

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

No, I’m more afraid of not falling in love (sorry for how fake deep that sounds but for real)

6: Do you like the beach?

Very much, it will be my main habitat over the summer hopefully

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

Yes, at like sleepovers, with their feet in my face. Romantic haha

8: What’s the background on your cell?

Amber, it makes me homesick but I like it anyways

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Mine in college, mine at home, Tu’s, and emme’s

10: Do you like your phone?

I’m very indifferent about it

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

No not really, I’m very okay with it but sometimes I feel like more is expected from me and it stresses me out.

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

My chemistry lab partner sophie’s

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

Neither are my fav breed but I knew a really friendly cute rottweiler when i was a kid so that probably

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

As someone who is overly emotional I’d say emotional pain but I’ve never been through a physical pain that has lasted beyond a dull ache.

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

I’ve never been to an art museum so I’d love to go to one for the experience but a zoo is a guaranteed good time

16: Are you tired?

Mentally yes, but I can’t physically fall asleep haha

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

Alex Raydan, I’ve known him since 1st grade

18: Are they a relative?

Nope

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Nah

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

tonight

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

I don’t think it would be necessary, but if you could guarantee they were the person I’d want to be with all my life, then yeah I suppose

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Maybe in the right context

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

I have one hair tie on each wrist for balance, does that count

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

“Don’t get mad. Don’t get even. Do better. Much better. Become so engulfed in your own success you forget it ever happened.” lmao literally just a quote I found on tumblr but I like it a lot and it makes me feel stronger so

25: What’s on your mind?

u kno I’m plannin my summer aesthetic 24/7

26: Do you have any tattoos?

No, hoping to get some soon

27: What is your favorite color?

Deep green

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

I have no idea haha, hopefully over the summer but no guarantees lmao

29: Who are you texting?

No one at the moment

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

yes

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

yes

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

yes, i feel pretty comfy talking to michael, darious and zany. Gettin more comfy with vincent and tu now as well

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Not particularly

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Yes, it’s always very appreciated

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I’d be pretty weirded out and wish they would stop lmao

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

Yessss

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

Yes, i am

38: What do your friends call you?

Binch, dude, bb, bbygirl, aside from the typical just Nikki

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yes, but my bar for getting upset is pretty low oops

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

Yeah haha I have most of my serious conversations over text cuz I’m a lil bitch

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

Right in the center of my chest

42: What is it from?

Bra was too tight and pressed into my chest

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

Physics lecture last Tuesday when I was running on 3 hrs of sleep

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My mom

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

Yep, white sneakers

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

No I look considerably worse in hats

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

Probably not I like my hair a lot

48: Do you make supper for your family?

No but my mom deserves it lol so I should try

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

Yes haha

50: Top 3 web-pages?

tumblr, netflix, hulu

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

my mom and dad both hate it

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

Yeah I worked out yesterday so my thighs and stomach hurt

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

Extremely, I always build them up in my head so I’m always a little underwhelmed and unsatisfied when I leave

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

water

55: How is your hair?

It’s okay, I really need to get it cut, it’s lacking any style lmao

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

Brushing my teeth is always first

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

Yeah I think so, but I think it involves a lot of compromise and effort

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? hahaha yes

59: Green or purple grapes? purple for sure, the darker the better

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Probably june 15th when I say goodbye to my roommates for the summer

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yes, I wish I were home

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

Probably tomorrow afternoon

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Sleppin

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Sleppin

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Kyle

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Tommy melts my heart he’s precious, same with Charlotte

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

no kissing, and I’m pretty sure no hugging either

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

lmao “why is no one responding to me”

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Yes maybe once or twice, but usually I’ve gotten what I’ve wanted out of situations so go me

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

71: How many fingers do you have?

all of them thankfully

72: What is your ringtone?

the default

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

Still 19 haha

74: Where is your Mum right now?

In vista CA no one try to find her and kill her pls

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

Just wasn’t right I guess

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

No I have not

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Yes!

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

Brody Barnhill

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

Pipe down Mike

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

Nooope

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

I have very fleeting interests in college, but people I’ve liked for more than a few days would be zero haha

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

Emme and tracy are constantly seeing me in my underwear

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

Nope

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

Kelsey and Amber probably and both of them are telling me to fucking stop

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

Yeah, if it was habitual use

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

I almost wasn’t allowed to see Baywatch because I didn’t think it was rated R and apparently I do not look 17 and my college ID wasn’t proof enough that I was at least 18 lmao

87: Who was your last received call from?

Me mum

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

Yes

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

Money and motivation lmao

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Perhaps, but it’s never been to much of an issue, just embarrassing for me sometimes

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

Yes it gets very hot in this room

92: Do you get along with girls?

Pretty much 100% of the time

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Nope

94: Does sex mean love?

Nope

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

Nah, maybe a little boring after a while but that’s all

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

No, I don’t know how I’d feel about it, I feel like I’d be afraid of pulling it somehow

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

All the time haha

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

Yes, I do haha

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not particularly, it sounds nice tho

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

I think emme, she likes that kind of stuff

Hope this made you feel better Michael lmao

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jess-oh · 5 years

Text

Reflection

Hey journal!

Wow, it’s been a while since I actually typed here. And even longer since I wrote “Reflection” with a capital “R”! Weird.

Anyway, I am currently sitting in a Starbucks in Evanston and I am being so much more productive out here than I ever was back in my apartment. It’s just way too hot to do anything! I’m so stressed over my ever increasing electricity bill the longer I keep the AC on and because it’s so hot, I’m too cranky and lazy to actually do anything! I think I’m going to start going out to local coffee shops more often so I can actually get work done and be productive! I don’t usually enjoy staying at school until too late just because it’s such a long way home but I do think getting out of the apartment would be good for me. It’d motivate me to actually do things and because I haven’t been home all day, I’ll also be that much more motivated to actually clean up around the apartment and do things! I’m not used to being home all the time and I just end up feeling unproductive and lazy and restless. I’m going to start getting out more so I can actually do more and be more productive! Maybe I’ll message the Movement summer chat letting them know that I’ll be studying in public throughout the week and that they’re always free to join me! ^_^

I also realized that my meetings with P. Josh and Amanda throughout the week as well as our MAST meeting every other Saturday served as the perfect opportunity for me to be very honest and intentional and vulnerable and rely on them for help and advice or to just vent. Without those sessions, it’s harder to just approach P. Josh for help casually. Unless it’s just us two in a car together or something which hasn’t been happening that often anymore. Especially since I live so much closer to Evanston now. There’s no huge reason for me get a ride anymore because I’m not even on the train for that long anymore. It makes me a little sad and has made me realize that I’m actually not as close to P. Josh as I originally thought. It’s definitely a lot easier for me to suddenly hit up Amanda or meet up with her throughout the week. Suddenly hitting up P. Josh... a part of me always feels bad. He’s already got a lot on his own plate and in having to take care of so many people on MAST now as well as understanding his own currently struggles and battles, I feel bad reaching out to him and just adding more onto his plate. I don’t want him to just respond to me out of obligation and I’m afraid that he would. And plus, I feel like I’ve already bothered him enough recently. Right now, there’s isn’t anything overarching on my heart that I need to bring up to him. Besides, yknow, maybe moving to NorCal in the future. But I also know he wants me to stay in Chicago at Lakeview and grow with the ministry and invest and change the culture. Which, I do honestly want to do now and am hopeful about. I have hope that more people from Movement will start going into Catalyst instead of leaving instead. I do. I do have hope for the future and if I leave Lakeview, it’ll be because I’m leaving Chicago. Not because I just want a different church. I know that Movement will be hard this coming year but am genuinely happy and know that I am well cared for by many adults and other people. I do feel a community at Lakeview. I might not always feel it in Movement, but I do feel it in Lakeview.

And I also don’t want him to freak out or be sad/discouraged when I tell him I’m going to move away.

I also want to bring up what I realized with Amanda to him. When he disagreed with me about what the author was saying, I felt really defensive and offended. And looking back, I was definitely in the wrong and I was just in a bad mood that day anyway. But it is true that I wasn’t upset bc of the actual content or what the author said. I was upset because I wanted P. Josh to support me and tell me that I was right and that the author didn’t understand my personal struggle or how much I had tried. I wanted him to validate my feelings. But I know that if he had told me those things, it wouldn’t have been actually factually correct and his answer was totally justified. But yeah, I just wanted to be validated by him. But because I understand the 100% justifiable and valid reasoning behind the answer he did give me, I don’t feel like there’s any use in bringing it up to him.

Also, when Grace An mentioned that P. Josh and I co-dependent with each other... it really stuck with me because I never thought of it like that before. But I guess we are. And honestly, I know he’s only human and only four years older than me so he’s still learning a lot and not yet totally mature or developed. But it is kind of a burden for me to be with him sometimes. Because I try to take care of him too. In not telling him certain things so as to not stress him out. Or trying to just be there for him through church events or activities. It really breaks my heart to always see him get so discouraged and I want to do my best to make sure he doesn’t feel that way. Whether that’s by offering a different perspective or giving words of encouragement/affirmation or just by showing up physically in person so he knows it isn’t for nothing. And it is kind of burdensome trying to be a good friend to him and doing all these things for him too. Because a part of me just wants to be selfish and rely on him always and look up to him for guidance and to be a constant strong figure in my life that I can always look up to. But he isn’t. Instead, he’s more like a friend. I also noticed that I always call him P. Josh to others but say, “Joshwa” to his face. Because I see him as a friend and an equal when I see him in person. But a part of me also has a lot of respect for him and will always acknowledge his status as pastor. Especially because I see how much work he puts into the ministry.

I really shouldn’t be spending so much money and going to coffee shops so often because my mom gave me $200 to spend for shopping(I ended up only need $2 tho lol). Only $50 of the money I’ve been spending is actually mine! I don’t want to have to owe her so much money once I get paid again T 0 T I’ll just be perpetually broke!

Sidenote: I really hope I can pay off my credit card debt soon T____T

Please pay me back Chalana. Please. I want to have trust and faith in you. Please show me that I was wrong and that you were genuinely just trying to do your best in getting by. That you didn’t just betray me. That it wasn’t all just a lie.

I also feel like I disappointed Jenny in not being able to deliver on the 3k/5k poster. Especially since she already overhyped me to everyone at the VBS dinner, I feel bad not being able to do my part. But I am hoping that I can sometime during this week. I just want to be able to say no when I don’t have time or can’t come up with anything creative. I thought this was in our original agreement. That gives me the freedom to do things as much as I can and help as I please. And she still has the security of getting her projects done by someone even if it isn’t me! But if I always have to do all her projects even when I can’t, it’s more burdensome and draining than anything and I’m just left feeling bad and like a failure and awful that I disappointed her. I don’t want that. I do really value our relationship together and although I am starting to see her more as a human instead of as a mother, I do still perceive her a strong maternal figure in my life. And I don’t want to let her down.

Sigh.

Too late to stop by the Apple store and I’m not really in the mood to stop by Target anymore. I’ll just go tomorrow.

I do, absolutely, need to prepare my curriculum and class for Sunday though!!! D:< We actually had a fun time in class last Sunday. I want to do that again this week. I just need to dedicate the necessary time and energy to the activity and plan out the class well! And also get better at names! = A =

And, I still need to draw my new weeks in my bullet journal! Hopefully I can find the motivation and energy to actually do that when I get home today. Just get it done, Jessica! Don’t procrastinate! You know you’ll regret it later! Just get it done today and now so you don’t have to worry about it later!!!

Anyway, Thank you for listening to my rant journal! I think it was much needed to just get all these thoughts out of my head and onto paper.

Last thing: I can’t tell if I’m annoying Amanda or if she genuinely doesn’t mind my constant texting and she just isn’t gr8 at replying quickly. I’ll try and clear that up with her soon though.

But yeah, thanks journal! Have a good rest of your day~ ^_^

#reflection

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