#so i kinda feel like my life is just gonna be full of loneliness and work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

maybank-archives · 8 months

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Hii, could I request jj x reader where she’s been feeling kinda lonely and jj’s worried? just pure comfort please

lonely - jj maybank

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warning: angsty? fluff? soft!jj maybank?

word count: 0.7k

author’s notes: i'm guessing y'all reaaaaally are into soft jj! 4 in a row! i tried my best to make every each one of this different but idk.

masterlist | join the taglist | kinktober!!!!

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Ding!

My phone lit up once more, marking the fourth notification from the same sender, my boyfriend, JJ.

I knew that would happen the moment I declined another invitation to go out with everyone.

With a sigh, I unlocked my phone and tapped on his message. "Hey, babe, why don't you want to come? It's gonna be cool!" I hesitated, then began typing my reply, "I just need some quiet time tonight, J."

Moments later, another message popped up from JJ, "Got it, is everything okay?" I stared at the screen, contemplating. After a couple minutes, I wrote back, "I promise, everything's okay. I just need some me-time. We'll hang out soon, I promise." As I set my phone aside, the feeling of emptiness has settled in my chest.

There’s no way to explain the place I found myself. Despite my life being pretty much fun and full of adventure, I feel lost, disconnected, and overwhelmingly lonely even though I’m most of my time surrounded by people. It was as if a million of uncertainty popped into my mind every five seconds.

I crawled into my bed, aware that my sleep wouldn’t come any time soon, just like every other night, when my thoughts and paranoias kept me awake for hours. This heavy feeling in my chest didn’t make things any easier either.

I decided to go to the kitchen, a snack might help, right? Nope, I tried that the other night Maybe. My hands reach for the cookies on the back of the cabinet when I hear a knock on the door. My heart skipped a beat as I went kind of scared to answer it, I opened it just to find JJ standing right in front of me.

He looked at me with concern in his eyes and a determined expression on his face. "Hey," he said, stepping inside without waiting for an invitation. "What can I say? I can’t leave my girl alone."

My heart was still beating fast when I hugged him tightly. He held my face planting a kiss on my lip. “I’ve been noticing how you’re distant lately and I’m here at your service, If you feel like talking, sure, we can talk. And if you don't, that's cool too. I'll just hang out with you, no pressure.”

I felt a lump form in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I have been keeping my feelings bottled up, not wanting to burden JJ with my problems. But seeing him now, the concern in his eyes, made me realize just how honest I can be with him, even though I can’t tell what’s wrong.

“I didn’t mean to worry you,” I mumbled.

“I know, I know, I’m here to keep you company.”

I buried my face in his chest, finally letting the tears flow freely. "I've been feeling so lost, J,” I confessed. "I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know if it’s anxiety or…." I can’t finish my sentence without sobbing.

JJ held me tighter. "It’s okay, I’m here now," he said softly. "We'll figure this out together, just like we always do," he added.

“I-I really didn’t want to worry you, Jay.”

“Hey, you need to know that I’m here, you don’t have to go through this alone,” he said “You were there for me always, it’s no different now.”

I nodded, "Thank you for being here, J," I whispered, wiping away my tears.

He gave me a warm smile and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. "Always, Y/N. Now, how about we get some rest? I'll stay with you tonight, no more loneliness, okay?"

I nodded again, feeling a sense of comfort wash over me. We walked to the bedroom together, and as we settled into bed, JJ pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me protectively.

We lay there in silence for a while, my mind started to calm down. I snuggled closer to JJ, as he gently rubbed my hair. For the first time in a couple weeks, the exhaustion and the emotional breakdown caught with me and I just fell asleep into JJ’s arms, there was no reason to feel alone with his presence.

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#obx #outerbanks #jj maybank #jj obx #outer banks #rudy pankow #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank x you #soft!jj maybank #jj maybank obx #jj maybank outer banks #jj maybank fluff #comfort jj maybank #boyfriend!jj maybank #jj maybank headcanon

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mynahx3 · 2 months

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I Tried, I Really Did

Okiii Big warning yall!! This is JJK x reader but no love interest, just talks of their highschool time (Might expand more into this AU) Kinda hinted at with Geto x reader and Gojo x reader but nothing concrete This is a very DARK story with no comfort. Reader gets into a really bad headspace so if this is triggering for you I don't recommend you read it. Ending is kinda up to interpretation but still. It gets dark. Just wanted to write this idea out and it spiraled, might write an epilogue to it but idk. Gonna mainly focus on my other fics after this.

The cold winter air bites at your face, causing a prickling sensation on your skin as you walk down the street. Street lights adorned for the upcoming holidays illuminate the stores. Happy families and couples are walking down the street, eager to escape the cold.

The last few years have been rough on you due to the overwhelming stress of being a sorcerer. As a young sorcerer, you face the daily burden of curses and loneliness, yet your future is full of possibilities. Still… You couldn’t help but feel tired, burdened by the daily challenges of curses and loneliness. A loud laugh grabs your attention, making you up, you see a group of teenagers. They laughed together without a care in the world, enjoying their time together. Surely thinking they were going to be together forever. At this sight, your mind began to wander to simpler times with people you thought would be by your side forever, the bracelet on your wrist was a reminder.

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“Suguru! Satoru! Shoko and I got ice cream!”

The four of you had just met earlier that year but were thick as thieves since you were the only first years. You guys were always together on missions and hanging out. Getting into trouble with the teachers and running pranks on them. Each of you were strong in your own right, with the future of becoming strong sorcerers ahead of you. You were especially grateful for your new friends who made the transition to Jujutsu Tech easier. You discovered your cursed technique later in life, considered a late bloomer, and were fortunate to be found by a sorcerer visiting your country. Quickly, you were brought to Jujutsu Tech, a school specializing in curses, to learn more about the world of curses. Seeing your grocery bags, the boys run over to you, smiling and nudging each other roughly. Arguing already on which one they called dibs on.

“Fine Satoru.” The black haired teen sighed, plopping next to you. Satoru eagerly took the bag to look through it. You each took your own seat against a wall nearby. Suguru looked over at yours, raising his eyebrow at the sight of your new bracelet.

“That new?” He asked, twirling some of his longer hair around a finger in thought. The teen had started growing it out just before starting high school, so it just reached his shoulders.

It was a cute beaded bracelet, a simple thing. The color really complimented your skin tone, in his opinion.

“Yup! Shoko remembered what my favorite color was and bought it for me.” You confirmed, smiling brightly.

“It’s nothing much.” She shrugs, tossing her stick into the bag, going into it to grab the cigarettes she stole, much to your chagrin. You had begged her not to start smoking, having heard how bad it is for people.

“It’s cheap.” Satoru chimes, earning a smack on the shoulder from you.

"Well, I love it.” Poking your tongue out at him playfully while he rubbed the sore spot.

The beginning of school with them was like a dream filled with adventures. Each day you cherish them, growing closer to them.

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Your days were bland now. A cycle of the same old thing. Get up, eat, exorcize curses, eat, sleep, and repeat. Nothing was new. Nothing. The only company you had was the occasional visit of your two closest friends, Shoko and Satoru, but those were rare. The two of them also had a busy schedule, as is usual for a sorcerer. Nothing reminded you more of your loneliness than the holidays, seeing people with their loved ones while yours were miles away. You had the financial resources to fly over and visit your family, but your packed schedule filled with missions and training left you with no time to make the trip. Your interactions with your family now solely revolve around phone calls, filled with updates on your life, nostalgic anecdotes, and the occasional words of encouragement that echo through the receiver. As you walked through the streets of Tokyo it began to snow. Raising your hand up you admired the snowflakes falling onto your palm. Mind wandering still, thinking of when it all began to go downhill.

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“You want to stay weak? You're not going to get any better like this.” Satoru looks down at you, sucking onto a lollipop that he had for the entire fight. Still looking as perfect as ever, not having broken a sweat.

You lay on the floor, tears brimming your eyes from frustration and your face red from the sparring session you had with him. Shoko and Suguru sat in the grass nearby, watching the two of you go at it for the last couple hours. Each round ended the same as the last.

“Take it easy on her!” Shoko yelled, frowning at the white haired teen smiling away.

“She shouldn’t have asked to train if she couldn’t keep up!” He yelled back, walking towards her and beginning to bicker with her. Satoru left you in the grass, as usual. Seeing this, Suguru got up, offering you a hand to get up with a soft smile on his face.

""You did well; don't let him bother you," Suguru said reassuringly as he helped you up. Shoko and Satoru continued their argument in the background, but you were grateful for Suguru's support at that moment. "Satoru is just an idiot; you're decent for your level."

"Gee, thanks." You laughed, sarcasm dripping from your tone, brushing the dirt off your uniform. A frown was etched on your face while you rubbed your shoulder, sore from being thrown to the floor countless times.

This was usually how training with Suguru or Satoru went, with one of them always throwing you to the floor. Wiping your tears from your eyes, you let out a huff, silent as everyone talked to each other, returning to sit back on the grass for a break. The three of them laughed about something you didn’t catch, too busy being frustrated and embarrassed by yet another loss against him.

Lately, you have been training your butt off, only to have the same results. Your cursed technique, illusion creation, was not improving much; despite hours of practice, you still struggled to maintain the illusions for more than a few seconds. Granted, you were already a grade 2, which is higher than the average student could say while in their second year. But being in a class with the three of them, anyone would feel subpar. Two of the strongest sorcerers of this generation, one hailing from a great clan, along with a sorcerer with a rare healing technique. While you were just an exchange student who was thrown into a different country, relearning everything they thought they knew about the world. While you did find solace in your classmates; the four of you became close over the last couple of years together. Still, you couldn't help but feel like you were a random puzzle piece, constantly trying to fit into a picture where the other pieces seemed to align effortlessly. Zoning out, you didn't hear your name being called out—a hand waving in your face.

"Hello!" Shoko laughed, nudging your shoulder. "Welcome back to reality."

You look up and see the three of them looking at you, smiles on their faces. Shaking your head, you laughed with them.

"Sorry, just out of it today." You say this, rubbing your neck and looking back at the sky. "What were you saying?"

"Just thinking we should hit up the arcade; it's been awhile since we all went." She said, All three of them looked you expectantly.

"I'm good, guys." You shrugged your shoulders, sloping as you weakly smiled at them. "Maybe next time."

The group departs after finishing up the training session, with the three of them heading to the arcade. Going back to your room, you tiredly take a shower and change into your clothes. Feeling dejected as you go lay down. Your emotions were taking hold as you looked up at the ceiling. You couldn't shake the feeling of isolation that had been creeping in lately. It was hard to explain, but you just needed some time alone to recharge.

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You don’t know when you got home. The apartment was clean, almost barren, and the fridge was empty from not being refilled recently. Only a carton of milk and leftover takeout from the previous night inside it. You drop your snow covered coat onto the hanger with your scarf, leaving your shoes on the rack. Slipping your slippers on, you go into the kitchen to eat. With no other option, you reheat the takeout. While that was in the microwave, you got a call. Fishing your phone out of your pocket, you saw your parents calling, sighing, and you answered it.

“Hey mom.” You said, picking up the milk carton, looking at it not even halfway full.

“Honey! How’s my sweet girl doing?” She asked, kindness in her tone. Your family is loud in the background, as usual.

“I’m okay,” you replied, pouring the milk down the drain. Your appetite is gone as you toss the leftover food out.

"Well, that’s good. We miss you, dear; we really wish you’d come over instead of working so much.” She says, “Don’t be getting fat now! You know how you are with food.”

“I know, mom.” You sigh, rubbing your temple. “Tell everyone I love them. I gotta head to bed. Long day.”

“Well, get some rest; your father says hello! Love you, dear!”

With that, the call ends, and the silence in your apartment deafens. Finding nothing else to do, you walk around, cleaning up the already cleaned apartment. While doing so, you come across an old picture on your desk. Six teens were all smiling together at a carnival in the summer before things went to shit.

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One fateful mission, involving a powerful foe, altered the dynamics of your group forever, leaving behind a trail of uncertainty.

The once tight group is more spread out now. Everyone felt different now, especially after losing the Star Platinum Vessel. Satoru and Suguru returned from the mission differently. No one was as close; the four of you rarely saw each other. Shoko was always on campus; the higher ups didn't want to risk losing her, while everyone else was sent on solo missions due to the high abundance of curses now. This pressure was felt not only by you but also by Suguru, the two of you looking worse for wear. On a rare day, you happened to see him, taking the chance to check on him.

“Sugu! How are you doing?” You asked, walking with him in the dorm hallways. He barely acknowledged you, smiling weakly your way. His long hair was down with a tired look on his face, not that you looked any better.

“I’m fine. What about you? You look tired.”

You wave off his worry with a hand, dismissing his question with a laugh.

“Nothing I can’t handle; I gotta suck it up.” You laugh, not noticing the worried look in his eyes for you, too busy noticing the time on your watch. “Take care of yourself, you look like shit man. I’ll catch you later. I've got to go on this mission with Haibara, but I've got to look over the paperwork. We should try to hang out soon, dude; it's been too long.”

You two never got to hang out, sadly. The mission ended with Haibara passing, something you and your underclassman, Nanami, carried with guilt. The unrelenting stream of missions, coupled with the lack of respite, weighed heavily on your shoulders, eroding your spirit and straining your bonds with those around you. The mounting pressure and constant demands pushed Suguru to his limits, until one day, the weight of it all became too much to bear, and he reached his breaking point, shattering the facade of composure he had struggled to maintain.

Satoru was the one to break the news to you, waking you up in the middle of the day. Disbelief at his words, anger at yourself for not questioning him more, not checking in on him like you should. Too absorbed in your own missions and feelings. Tears ran down your face as Satoru took you into his arms. The two of you were mourning someone who was very much alive.

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You reminisce about the time when you and Satoru would spend hours training together, sharing stories under the starlit sky, forging a bond that felt unbreakable. The two of you comforted each other greatly after Suguru defected. For a while, you found happiness in your bond with him and Shoko. Sitting outside on your balcony with a cigarette between your lips. The city lights shining below with the snowfall.

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One day, on your first mission as a first grade, you messed up. Your illusions broke, letting a curse run rampant in a town near the forest it was in. With your cursed weapons you tried to defeat it while also helping the civilians nearby go to safety. A child fell in the middle of it, giving the curse a moment to strike. Without a moments doubt you ran them, your instinct screaming to protect the child, causing the curse injured you badly. Satoru had made it in time, killing the curse like nothing and getting you to Shoko in time. The injury plunged you into a deep coma for two weeks, where vivid dreams and fleeting memories danced at the edge of your consciousness, leaving Satoru and Shoko in a constant state of worry and vigil by your bedside. When you finally did wake up, they rushed to your room.

“A weakling like you needs to stop acting like a hero.” Satoru harshly says this, sitting on the chair next to your bed. He was tired of the circumstances and did not express his worry for you in the best way. Shoko frowned at his harsh words while she rewrapped the bandages on your forehead, checking over your injuries.

“You just think I’m useless, huh?” You asked, your tone equally harsh at him. “At least I’m trying, not everyone is born perfect.”

He scoffed at that; even with his bandages over his eyes you could tell he rolled them. His irritation with you is clear. Shoko sighed as she wrapped your head gently, sensing the tension between the two of you.

"Enough," she said firmly, trying to diffuse the situation before it escalated further. After a brief glance at her, Satoru turned back to you, his expression softening slightly. Your eyes harden instead, and you look away from him with pursed lips. Shoko finished up changing your bandages, standing before you still with her hands on her hips. Staying stubborn, you didn't talk to either of them, pouting your lip out like a kid.

"Look. All I'm trying to say is you need to be careful." He clarified, choosing his words more thoughtfully this time. Shoko exchanged a knowing look with Satoru before turning back to you.

"We care about you, that's all," she added gently, hoping to break through your stubborn facade.

"Well, I'm fine." You curtly responded, frustrated at the outcomes of the mission and how weak you felt. “Still alive, didn’t die.”

Shoko sighed, patting your shoulder, and turned to leave. Knowing you needed a little space and she needed a smoke break.

"I… I didn't mean to be so harsh. I just got worried." Satoru said quietly, reaching his hand out to take yours, the two of you alone. You hesitated for a moment before squeezing his hand in reassurance, appreciating the genuine concern in his eyes.

"I know, I'm sorry too," you replied softly, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders as you finally let your guard down. "Just tired, Toru."

"Well, what did you always use to say? Suck it up? You'll be fine." Satoru attempted to lighten the mood with that. This only made your mood dampen; not that he noticed, rubbing your hands thoughtfully, he stood up.

"Try to get some rest. The higher ups will throw us back into the fire before you know it. You’ll do better, I'm sure."

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The next time you saw him was a couple of months later, over drinks after work. Shoko managed to convince him to come with another friend of ours, Utahime. While those two caught up, you and Satoru talked a bit. You both sat at the bar, drinks in hand. Satoru sipped his virgin drink, eyeing you next to him.

"You’ve been doing good." He smiled, nudging you with his elbow. "That last mission was butter for you, I hear; you're getting stronger."

You nodded numbly, sipping on your own drink, the alcohol buzzing on your tongue. The mood was darker than usual as you thought about the risks and sacrifices that came with each successful mission. While Satoru's praise was appreciated, it also reminded you of the toll this line of work was taking on your mental and emotional well-being.

"Not like it means shit." You muttered, not looking at him. "Curses sprout like weeds, and sorcerers die like flies. It's a never-ending cycle."

His smile faltered as he glanced at you with concern, his blue eyes peering over his sunglasses. You could see the worry etched in his expression, a stark contrast to his usual confident demeanor. Saying nothing more, you took out a cigarette, lit it, and puffed out some smoke. You could feel his gaze linger on you, silently pleading for you to open up about the toll the job was taking on you. But you remained silent, lost in your own thoughts, as you took another drag from your cigarette.

"Thought you hated those?" He broke the silence, swiping the cigarette from your lips and putting it out on the ashtray next to you. Turning to him, your eyes glare at him. Now he could see the bags under your eyes and the dullness of your once bright eyes.

"Sometimes it's the only thing that helps me relax," you muttered, avoiding his concerned gaze. "I just can't seem to shake this feeling of exhaustion lately." He reached out and gently squeezed your hand, offering silent support as you finally opened up about the toll the job was taking on you.

"Do you ever… feel overwhelmed all the time?" You ask, hand shaking a bit. Tears well up in your eyes at your confession. After years of bottling up your feelings, they are coming out. "Our comrades die every day with people in charge who don’t risk a thing. Replacing us is so easy, like defective machines."

"What we do is hard." He agreed, thinking over his words. "It's not for everyone, that's for sure. Maybe you should rethink your priorities and consider if this is still the right path for you." The weight of his words hangs heavy in the air, causing you to pause and reflect on your next steps.

"You think I'm weak." You say with a frown, tapping the counter at the bartender and asking for another. Satoru winces at that, his brows furrowed. He shakes his head.

"No, not weak. Just maybe not cut out for this kind of life."

You take a deep breath, feeling the weight of his words sink in as you contemplate your future. The bartender slides you your next drink, and you quickly knock it back, the alcohol burning down your throat. The burn feels like a release, numbing the doubts and fears that swirl in your mind for a moment. Satoru watches you closely, his expression softening with understanding.

"I'll catch you later, Satoru. I should head home. Happy holidays."

Satoru nods, a small smile playing on his lips. "Take care of yourself," he says softly before you turn to leave, the sound of his voice lingering in your mind as you step out into the cold winter night to begin the walk home.

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Now in bed, you lay in thought, tired but unable to sleep. Mind racing with thoughts—ones that give you no comfort in the night. The whirl of the wind is shaking your windows. The pleasant snow from earlier picked up a bit, causing snow to pile up now. Sitting up, you decide there is no better time than now, an eerie calmness over you.

As you move around your apartment, you double-check that everything is in order. Most of your belongings are still packed away. You leave your clean and empty apartment with a note for each of your loved ones, your beloved bracelet left next to it.

Going into the snow you venture to a bridge nearby with a raging river below. It was one you always walked to when you needed to think. A safe space where few ventured. Standing at the railing you lean against it, the wind is bellowing around you. Snow falls gently from the sky for a moment, creating a serene atmosphere. Taking a deep breath, you close your eyes and finally let yourself feel the weight of everything that has happened. Thinking of the loneliness and pain, the last few years have given you despite doing your best each day. You step onto the railing, balancing on the edge as you feel at peace. The sound of the rushing water below is calming, almost hypnotic. Opening your eyes you see snow around you, your breath fanning out in a white fog. As you close your eyes again and take one last deep breath, you feel the decision has been made.

YIKES Yeahhh like I said,,,,,Got dark homies.

#jjk x reader #jjk angst #cw sui implied #dark thoughts #jjk drabbles #cw dark content #no comfort #pain #gojo satoru x reader #geto suguru x reader

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cxndiedvi0lets · 2 months

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Violet Harmon Rant

I think a lot of people are forgetting that Violet is still a human and capable of having different emotions other than being sad.

I don't think most people understand what it's like to live your life being indifferent and enduring loneliness for that long, especially having to keep things to yourself while being aware that no one is capable of understanding and how it feels to burden your parents who's full of secrets and eventually, you find it out yourself.

I think people don't really understand, lol. So, I'll explain it from my perspective.

Violet, for most people, is depicted as some punk ass depressed brat, but, in reality. She's just a teenager who's trying to hold herself together.

Sure, she's brave but, thats only because she has no one to guide her, and if you say, "her parents are so nice—". I wouldn't disagree, but the thing is, she keeps to herself due to unwanted baggage of burden, and that's to herself and her parents, especially, how bad she feels after her mom's child loss.

Seeing how happy Violet was with Tate, let's us understand that she was just looking for someone who made her feel understood and comfortable.

Now for the whole "I am so depressed, blah, blah, blah," which I unfortunately see that most people make it her default mood or personality, which is lol. I get it. She's your comfort character, but she's not just a sloppy girl who sulks and rots in her bed. (Kinda). I think some of you don't really know why, too. lol.

It's not just school, and as for her parents, I think you're missing the 'neglect' point. They bought a house believing they could restart instead of facing conflict, the therapy they promised their daughter, and instead of maintaining and building a relationship with their daughter. They got a dog.

Now, "Violet, what does the dog have to do with this?" Well, the dog represents that they're easier to control, and they're loving.

Her parents crave affection from her and by filling that empty pressence with... a dog. lol.

They don't understand how to help or find a solution to Violet being troubled, and ironically, Ben is the walking definition that some license are just paper and ink.

And to add, her freaking over the ghosts and stuff? Yeah, well, you can love horror, but wouldn't you freak out about a dead person revealing itself to you in "a form".

You've already got a lot in your mind and suddenly something that you can't understand or tell anyone appears. lol.

I have a lot more to yap about, but I'm just gonna address my main points because I'm sick of it. lol.

#ahs fandom #ahs #murder house #ahs murder house #violet harmon headcanons #violet harmon #taissa farmiga #ghoulblogger

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luaspersona · 1 year

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march bts archive ♡

a few reminders before you go to the recs:

⇢ the list is composed with 10 bts fanfics i’ve reviewed (reblogged) during the month! it doesn’t include: ongoing series and series i haven’t finished.

⇢ my blog is +18, so even if this list has some sfw stories please, minors do not interact!

⇢ feel like i missed a work? send me your fics for me to review too ♡

Put it on me

authors ⇢ @jimilter pairing ⇢ jimin x reader genre ⇢ smut; humor; pwp; strangers to lovers rating ⇢ +18 | minors do not interact word count ⇢ 8k summary ⇢ When you signed up to model your cleavage for a jewelry commercial, no one bothered to tell you it wasn’t gonna be a solo shoot. It’s unfair being blindsided and you want to protest, but A-list model and flirt extraordinaire Park Jimin’s steel-cut abs have you kinda tongue-tied. And then you get kinda too busy thinking of other ways in which you’d like him to shut you up. why i loved it ⇢ honestly just straight porn, but super well written and with amazing descriptions and jimin is like, the sexiest menace alive, paired up with a ridiculously gorgeous reader. it’s unhinged and funny and i can’t get enough of it. ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

hey, it’s me.

authors ⇢ @yoongiphoria pairing ⇢ namjoon x ex!reader genre ⇢ angst; kinda lovers to exes rating ⇢ PG-13, but the MJ's blog is +18 only word count ⇢ 0.5k why i loved it ⇢ MJ has this amazing talent of conveying big, everlasting and devastating emotions with simple, delicate words. she writes a ridiculously small drabble and represents all the loneliness one can feel, and is so creative too! the whole voicemail concept from closer is used so cleverly here, this feels like a punch but in the best possible way. ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

the one with yoongi, netflix, and zero chill

authors ⇢ @eoieopda pairing ⇢ yoongi x reader genre ⇢ fluff; fuck buddies to ? rating ⇢ +18 | minors do not interact word count ⇢ 1.1k why i loved it ⇢ if jade being the author isn’t reason enough, i wanna say this drabble has soft yoongi and delicate, domestic intimacy with a very confused reader lol, it’s super sweet and it’s a birthday story too 🥺 ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

Double Take

authors ⇢ @magicshopaholic pairing ⇢ hoseok x oc genre ⇢ angst; idol!au; unrequited love; neighbors!au; brother’s best friend!au rating ⇢ +18 | minors do not interact word count ⇢ 11.7k summary ⇢ Years after telling the neighbourhood brat to get a life, Hoseok does a double take when he realises she’s no longer the skinny kid who worshiped him once upon a time. why i loved it ⇢ i don’t often read unrequited feelings stories, but this one is just… mesmerizing. the best coming of age story i read in a minute, and written with such eloquence and with such interesting stylistic choices! you take zero seconds to empathize with the oc and i think it was so worth it, it made me lay for hours trying to process exactly how it made me feel. it’s part of a series, but you can read it as a one-shot and that’s why i felt like i NEEDED to add it to the list: it deserves so, so much praise! ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

Covert Affairs

authors ⇢ @minisugakoobies pairing ⇢ spy!jungkook x spy!reader genre ⇢ angst; crime; rivals to lovers; smut rating ⇢ +18 | minors do not interact word count ⇢ 4.3k summary ⇢ The five times you cross paths with legendary spy Jeon Jungkook. why i loved it ⇢ this was just so perfect, the teasing and tension between the characters was amazing 🥵 if you like that sherlock x irene dynamic of rivals who are attracted to each other you HAVE to read this — but pay attention to the warnings! ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

all you’re giving me is friction

authors ⇢ @hot-soop pairing ⇢ surfer!seokjin x lifeguard!reader genre ⇢ travel!au; angst; smut; fluff; strangers to lovers to enemies to lovers. rating ⇢ +18 | minors do not interact word count ⇢ 28.3k summary ⇢ You’ve graduated! Congratulations - you’ve got one thing checked off your parents ten year plan! Now all that’s left to do is start your dreary office job, drag yourself up the ladder to CEO, marry your (as yet unknown) dream guy, and carve out some time to pop out a few kids before your ovaries shrivel up… Except all of that sounds horrendous, and you’d much rather spend the next three months at Hoseok’s beach house with your closest friends - relaxing, partying, and sleeping late while you still can. And it would be your last perfect summer break, if it weren’t for the most irritating man on the planet (and his chickens) living next door. why i loved it ⇢ seokjin has chickens and he names them after league of legends characters, and i think that’s about enough evidence as to how amazing this story is lol. for real? i was laughing, i was smiling, i was crying: it gave me EVERYTHING i could’ve asked for ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

mixtape

authors ⇢ @jungblue pairing ⇢ yoongi x reader genre ⇢ college!au; podcaster!au; humor; smut; fluff; strangers to lovers rating ⇢ +18 | minors do not interact word count ⇢ 15.6k summary ⇢ Two mystery students from your college run the podcast dubbed ‘mixtape.’ It’s become a sort of phenomenon around campus, listened to by almost everyone. In their most recent episode they discussed various study methods… One of them being oh so tempting. why i loved it ⇢ this fic is just so unbelievably charming, istg. all the dialogue is ridiculously interesting, and yoongi’s dynamic and chemistry with the reader just made feel like a teenager with her first crush. is really fucking amazing, i was completely in love with the story right off the bat. ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

the lingerie era

authors ⇢ @yoon-kooks pairing ⇢ yoongi x reader genre ⇢ neighbors!au; fluff; humor; smut; friends to lovers rating ⇢ +18 | minors do not interact word count ⇢ 10k summary ⇢ Sending Min Yoongi, aka your ridiculously hot neighbor/childhood friend, a photo of yourself in lingerie might be the best or stupidest mistake you’ve ever made. why i loved it ⇢ min yoongi teasing the hell out of reader and struggling to communicate like an adult is my favorite trope lmao. this story is so sexy and so wholesome and so fun and so— *ahem* anyway, this was 100% worth it, i loved every second 😭 ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

liar, liar

authors ⇢ @eoieopda pairing ⇢ hoseok x reader genre ⇢ fuck buddies; smut; pwp rating ⇢ +18 | minors do not interact word count ⇢ 5k summary ⇢ Hoseok suspects that you’re “phoning it in” while sexting and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t call your bluff. why i loved it ⇢ dom!hoseok. that’s it. that’s the reason (ok maybe jade’s writing too because everything they touch is perfect but that’s beside the point), oh and so much teasing y’all, this is a dangerous one. ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

what, now?

authors ⇢ @nabiolive pairing ⇢ jungkook x reader genre ⇢ fluff; smut (pwp); friends to lovers. rating ⇢ +18 | minors do not interact word count ⇢ 13.6k summary ⇢ For as long as you and Jungkook have been friends, your feelings for him have been unrequited. Or have they? why i loved it ⇢ to be honest this wasn’t in the list until yesterday, but then i decided to get through some of my trl and read this and… god, it’s just way too good. jungkook with freaking dick piercings and a sweet confession that leads to the most affectioned yer rough smut out there lol, please read this 😩 harrow is such an amazing writer i can't possibly stress this enough ⇢ my full review (with spoilers!)

links ⇢ navigation | reviews | rec lists

#bts fic #bts fanfic #bts recs #bts recs list #luareads #luarecs

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ghastlybin · 1 year

Note

Can I request an angsty DC 8th member fic. I just need to read more 8th member au's and I love angst

Word, thank you for the request!!! Your wish is my command <3 =)) By the way, anyone else reading this, PLEASE READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS FIRST! I BEG YOU.

Pairing: Dreamcatcher + 8th member! GN reader.

Word count: 2k

Genre/contents: Dreamcatcher’s 8th member! AU, Angst, heavy topics.

TW: Depictions of depression and anxiety. Kinda heavyish on imposter syndrome, insecurites, not feeling good enough, etc. The Y/N struggles with mental health and imposter syndrome, for short.

Note: I think I suck at being happy but I did attempt a happy-ish ending but I also didn’t want to be like “hey, depression. Now y/n is cured!1!1” Because that’s not how it works, sadly. But I at least tried to imply baby steps to managing the readers mental health better in the future rather than hold it all in kinda? I hope? Also the dialogue at the end that isn’t spoken by the Y/N is up to your interpretation. Could be any member you feel would say it or even your bias. Up to you. Anyways, enough stalling, thank you again, ily, and I hope you enjoy despite the topics depicted. (I really don’t know how else to word that- I am so sorry but yk what I mean though I hope lmao) I ALSO DON’T MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE if I do :(( I tried not to be offensive here.

Ignore the fact that I couldn’t find a gif lol goodnight/morning/afternoon it is currently 5am so I’m gonna dip but ily!!

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, the idol life.

You worked hard for years and finally got to debut as the eighth member of Dreamcatcher, putting music out that you’ve worked years to be able to put out.

But this? The self-doubt, the imposter syndrome, your insecurities that are constantly being picked out and called out by critics and antis.

You were always in a constant battle with your own mind, each word playing on repeat as you began to pick yourself apart and wishing you worked just a little bit harder to be as perfect as your fellow members.

Every day, every comeback, every waking moment, you worked harder and harder to fit in with the girls.

No matter what you did, you still felt less than others.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

You were supposed to be happy, enthusiastic, and in love with music— And you were.

You were happy. Happy you got to debut. Happy you were in a group full of wonderful women who were by your side every step of the way.

You were enthusiastic. Enthusiastic about performing. Enthusiastic about always putting in the most effort you could manage.

Of course, you were in love with music. Making music, singing, performing, and even producing it.

With each comeback, you recieved so much love from fans, dreamcatcher, and even staff, treating everyone kindly and respectfully and hoping they didn’t face the same feelings you felt deep inside.

But even with so much support, you still felt alone.

The loneliness was as intense as a monster that wanted nothing more than to eat away at your soul day by day.

And you would’ve let it, the pain inside debilitating your will to stay strong day by day.

You would’ve allowed yourself to drown completely, had it not been for your members there to keep your head above water and your passion for making music— Which was very much still there and still stronger than any demon eating away at you.

Handong was the first to see through to your emotional pain. The existential dread of never being enough.

You were seated beside her at a restaurant during dinner with the girls after a successful show.

The shaking of your hands, your heart beating through your chest, each vein pulsating with each beat.

Did I mess up the show?

You remembered how your mind raced with questions that you know you’d never believe the answers to.

Did anyone cheer for me during my parts?

Handong could feel something was off about you. Maybe it was the way you smiled without any feeling behind it. Maybe you were shaking too much for it to just be post-performance adrenaline.

Whatever it was, she realized the pain you were in. How it wasn’t something you could slap a band-aid on and be done with.

She saw you cry that same night, the pent-up emotions you had kept hidden from your group.

You wanted to be like them. Perfect, cool, and an amazing performer. You wanted them to think you were perfect, cool, and just as amazing as they were.

Instead, you cried, wishing to wake up as the perfect idol.

You remembered how tight Handong held you, listening to your wordless cries for as long as you needed.

And it hurt more, with as much love and support you received, all it took was for one negative comment to twist your day upside down.

You hated the power that had over you. How it altered your mind for the worst.

And Handong held you tightly in her arms as you sobbed until you were numb and with no more tears left.

“How long has this been going on?”

Her voice was soothing to your ears. Words you never thought you’d hear.

Finally, you thought. Someone willing to listen.

And you told her everything. Every painful feeling and thought you had bottled inside of you for so long. You trust her, of course. And she trusts you, grateful that you felt safe enough to open up to her.

The wars you waged in your mind had come to a ceasefire, even if only temporarily.

Minji was the next of the girls to have noticed.

Only this time, you were on a walk together, enjoying the day off while the others had other plans.

It was at a time you felt the most at peace with yourself. You itched to practice and perfect your skills, but at the same time, it felt good to be able to unwind and not have to worry about anything eating you up.

Minji didn’t know certain questions caused you pain.

“What are your goals for this year?”

It was a simple question. Albeit, a question that took some thought, but was meant to be harmless. She was excited about the future of the group, being the leader.

But it gave you a nauseous chill that caused you to stop all movement, clenching your jaw in an attempt to stop the feeling from pouring out of you.

“What’s wrong?” Minji asked, shortly before you began to shake, becoming short of breath and lightheaded.

It wasn’t a spontaneous reaction that caused you to spiral. You did think about your answer.

I have to be perfect. I have to work harder. I can’t take a break or I will have to start all over again.

You were on your day off, alongside Minji.

I have to start all over again.

“Y/N? Talk to me, please. I want to help you.” Minji thought about her words, only then, did she realize the emotional pain you experienced that began to externalize physically.

I may never be good enough.

You yelped, holding your chest as your heart picked up at an unnatural speed.

I will never be good enough, will I?

You were hyperventilating, shaking violently, sweat collected on your palms, and the world around you spun out of control.

Am I dying?

Minji immediately cut the walk short and brought you to the dorms and out of the eye of the public.

At the dorm, after Minji consoled you out of your inconsolable state, you didn’t remember the walk back to the dorm. How Minji worried for you every step of the way, hoping— Praying that you wouldn’t hyperventilate yourself into passing out on the street.

Your eyes were red and puffy from crying, which you also had no recollection of. You were a swirling pit of your own negative thoughts.

Yoobin was the third to notice.

She noticed you had been more distant than usual the day after your most recent comeback. While the girls were celebrating and well prepared for the promotion period, you had distanced yourself, picturing the ridiculing comments already, even as an endless sea of encouraging and adoring comments poured in, you could only seem to focus on the few negative ones.

Though the positive outweighed the negative, it was still enough to drown you and that was all it took.

“I’m fine.” A common excuse used by people bottling their feelings to avoid those around them from worrying.

Nothing is wrong with me.

I am perfectly fine.

I am perfect.

I am far from fine.

It was crazy how the weather seemed to align with your feelings.

Clouds burst into droplets to downpours of rain when they got too full.

Crazy how accurate it was to how you would bottle your feelings up so full that they would burst at the seams when it got too much.

You were surrounded by the bottled-up feelings that the sky held. Each cloud representing a different fear, insecurity— Anything that ate away at you bit by bit.

The cold rain drenched you the longer you sat outside, letting it wash over you just enough to simulate drowning, but never enough to actually drown you.

“Hey! You’re going to catch a cold out here!” Yoobin had run toward you with an umbrella, holding it over you, blocking any more drops from touching you.

The thing was, you were already cold. Even inside the heated building, the icy numbness blankets you.

“Are you okay?” Yoobin asked. You both shared the umbrella, the rain pouring down. Only then, did she realize you were crying.

“When will it stop?” The question came out in a mutter that Yoobin had barely heard.

“The rain?” She asked with a shrug.

Only later, did she understand what you truly meant.

When Siyeon noticed your pain, she walked past the bathroom door in the dorm, hearing the sounds of your crying.

It worried her and she wondered why you were crying.

It was just a bad day and you wanted to be alone rather than cry in your room where any of the girls could walk in at any given moment.

Siyeon knocked on the door, unaware you intended to be left alone. Even then, you were crying and she cared about you.

She’d have knocked anyway, even if it meant getting snapped at.

But you didn’t snap at her, only ceasing your tears as you sat on the floor of the bathroom, wiping your tears.

“Are you crying? Is there someone I need to beat up for you?” Siyeon asked, acknowledging that the door was locked, and instead sat beside the door to speak to you.

You cracked a smile, small, yet enough to slightly ease the pain in your chest.

“I’m fine, thank you.”

But you weren’t. You were far from fine.

Why do I feel like this?

A question that may never be answered no matter how many answers it all pointed to.

“You don’t sound fine. Tell me about it. Was it someone? Or something?” Siyeon didn’t want to overstep your boundaries, but she knew something was off.

It wasn’t every day that you burst into tears inside the dorm’s bathroom.

When you didn’t answer— Lacking the words to sum up your feelings, Siyeon’s voice seeped through the door again.

“I will be here when you’re ready. Whether your reason for crying is tiny or catastrophic, if it’s something that makes you cry, it’s never silly if it’s hurting you, so please don’t feel silly.”

Siyeon sat on the other side of the door as you covered your mouth, begging yourself not to cry anymore.

Within a few minutes, you gathered the courage to open the door and talk to Siyeon, who listened and tried her best to reassure you.

Even though you were grateful and felt a lot better in the end, you still had a massive lump in your throat that would take a while to overcome.

You just worried that it would take an eternity.

It was one in the morning when Yoohyeon found you wide awake, yet exhausted at the same time, sitting on the steps outside.

At first, she thought you were crazy being outside this late at night, her reasoning for being up as well was originally to go and get a glass of water.

That’s when she noticed you outside through one of the windows, sitting and watching the stars in silence and alone with your thoughts.

It was something you had done relatively often, only this was the first time Yoohyeon caught you. She sat beside you, following your gaze toward the sky.

“You’re still awake?” You asked, never taking your eyes off the night sky.

“Got thirsty. What’s your excuse?” She yawned. You smiled, finally looking at her.

“I can’t sleep.”

“Hm… Do we snore too loud or-“ Yoohyeon meant it as a joke, but she stopped herself when she noticed the water accumulating in your eyes, yet hadn’t spilled out.

And thankfully for you, they never did.

“I haven’t been able to sleep for a while.” You confessed, a heavy, shaky breath leaving your lips. “It’s hard to sleep when my mind is constantly telling me to do better.”

Yoohyeon listened to every word you said, with sincerity and concern on her expression as you continued to pour your heart out.

It embarrassed you too, admitting to her how vulnerable you really were. You wanted to be strong.

Perfect. Cool. Amazing.

It hurt as your mind contradicted your wishes.

But she listened. She cared.

Yet, you still felt the pain all the same.

You continuously messed up the choreography, exhausted and shaking all over from hours of practicing one part of the dance for the group's comeback.

You previously got it right, every step. But today was different and you weren’t sure why when you had done it perfectly just the day before.

It frustrated you have perfection seemed to come and go whenever it saw fit. It frustrated you how perfection lead you on, only to sink you deeper into the hole you felt stuck in.

Bora and Gahyeon stuck behind with you long after the other girls had left to take care of other obligations or simply just to return to the dorms.

Both girls remaining had opted to help you out, Bora spotting the steps you continuously missed or botched altogether, and took it slower, step by step as Gahyeon offered tips here and there— Which you took heed of, but for some reason, you just could not get the steps right.

How am I going to be perfect if I can’t get this down?

The thoughts came racing back again.

Gahyeon noticed your frustrations with yourself tearing away at you.

Then Bora noticed too when you stumbled backward and fell to the ground from the mental and physical exhaustion.

“Woah! Let’s take a break… Maybe pick up again tomorrow, what do you say?” Bora kneeled beside you, glancing at Gahyeon, who rushed to bring you a water bottle.

“Yes. We can go eat and call it a day.” Gahyeon agreed as you shakily held the bottle, drinking the refreshing water.

“I can’t. I’m not good enough for this.” You gripped the bottle as water sloshed out. On top of that, your voice cracked as the lump in your throat attempted to block your voice from leaving your throat.

“Where is this coming from? You are good enough. You’re more than enough!” Bora frowned, concerned.

Gahyeon took the liberty to hold your hand as you began to cry.

“I’m trying, I promise!” Your cries turned into sobs, the bottled-up emotions spilling out again since the previous time.

Over and over again, like a cloud, filling up until it bursts.

“I know you are. You’ve worked hard enough already. Let’s call it a night. Me, you, and Gahyeon- maybe the others if they are free- All of us go out to eat. You’ve more than earned it.” Bora attempted to soothe you as Gahyeon continued to hold onto your hand.

“And if you want, you can vent to me. I will listen.” Bora spoke with such sincerity that you cried harder.

“Me too. Whatever you need, I— We got you covered.” Gahyeon inputs, caressing the back of your hand with her thumb.

Putting your feelings into words was hard. You never knew where to start and sometimes it got jumbled, lost in translation, and incomprehensible.

And still, you tried. A weight simultaneously lifting off your shoulder while also weighing you down more.

The support you had received around you opened your eyes more and the loneliness you felt inside felt like an odd thing to feel, knowing you were surrounded by people who loved and cared for you.

You were anxious. It was the day of the comeback and you had listened to Bora and Gahyeon about picking back up the next day.

When the next day came, you were able to do the choreography again without any mistakes. Day after day, each practice before the promotion period, you nailed the dance flawlessly as a group and individually.

Your hands shook and your heart raced. All of this time chasing perfection, you weren’t sure why you hadn’t reached it yet.

“We’re next!” Gahyeon excitedly announced backstage as the group before you started to finish up their stage.

You took a deep breath, trying to calm your nerves, fearing you would mess up or that your nerves would show through.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I’m fine… Thank you.”

A common excuse, but you actually began to mean it, even if slightly.

And you were fine. Every doubt you had, every worry, every thought, they were internal. No one else thought you were as flawed as you thought.

Nothing was wrong with you. You were perfect. You had a ton of support and love from family, friends, and fans who —In their eyes— Saw you as perfect.

You were just fine. You were cool. You were amazing.

You weren’t perfect.

You were perfectly imperfect. Everyone was.

And that was okay.

Even in the hole you felt stuck in, pulling yourself out seemed like an actual possibility with the support system you had discovered that had been there all along, patiently by your side until you see yourself the way those around you did.

“Remember, you’ll do just fine. You always have.”

“Thank you. I won’t fail you!” You replied, adjusting your in-ear.

The girls fondly smiled at you, feeling a sense of pride toward you.

“You never have.”

You were cool, amazing, and your own kind of perfect, even if it will take some time for you to accept.

#dreamcatcher x reader #dreamcatcher imagines #dreamcatcher au #dreamcatcher #dreamcatcher fics #dreamcatcher jiu #dreamcatcher sua #dreamcatcher handong #dreamcatcher siyeon #dreamcatcher yoohyeon #dreamcatcher dami #dreamcatcher gahyeon

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potat0bag · 3 months

Note

hey hello! hope you’re having a good one. cccccooould I request some info about your shiver’s sister(s?) maybe? if you feel like it

hi! i'm not doing great so this'll be fun to do (/gen about both things! i'm thankful for this ask) sooo shiver has two sisters! they are each 4 years older than shiver, because they are twins!

i'm not gonna include images cause their designs are constantly changing and i'd rather focus this post around their characters for my own sanity.

Sela Hohojiro is a gossip on the surface and probably comes off as mean. She's very playful and requires a lot of attention due to having this kind of middle-child syndrome going on (even if she is tied for oldest child) due to Shiver being the one raised (and enthusiastically agreeing) to take on clan head duties when the time comes. Same (Shiver's mother) loves all her kids so much, yet Shiver is her youngest and has the most set future of all of them and needs her attention the most in her eyes since her position as clan head was kinda rushed upon her due to unfortunate circumstances. Sela can sort of understand on an objective level why she isn't as intensely nurtured by comparison. However, she is also emotionally aligned to a severe degree, so her own feelings of loneliness regularly cause her to be sassy and act out. She tends to spend a lot of time at their aunt's bar because of this, seeking out her childless older relative's attention instead.

On a cooler level, Sela is drawn to praisable arts much like Shiver. Specifically, she enjoys painting (and is the reason Shiver also picked up the interest) because it's something she can be praised and acknowledged for. The Hohojiro residence is full of paintings she's made. She mainly does landscape art since in her mind it's hard to mess up something that's concrete and dictatable on its objective quality of detail and logic. TL;DR "i can do this thing well and get noticed for it!!" As quiet of a passion it is, she also enjoys alternative music as it tends to have a fueling power behind it for her. She enjoys the electric energy of parties for this reason also. Always happy to meet new people and possibly earn more attention and a tighter support system. Somebody tell her she's doing fine, please.

Chi Hohojiro in comparison to her twin is far more like still waters. Because of how logic-based her reasoning is, she can often appear blunt and seem to lack empathy. When really, she's just tackling it from her own sense of logic and justice. If that person hurts you, why don't you just cut them out? That's- difficult to do? Because of the connection you've built? That's... huh. She didn't think of it like that. She's very clear cut. Which can hurt, but she'll also hold you blatantly accountable. She doesn't really like letting things go until a suitable compromise/payback has been reached. Shiver snuck her snacks? Okay. That's fine. They're buying her more. And that incident'll be tallied against them until they act on her terms. Because of her objective outlook, Chi doesn't face the same feeling of loneliness Sela does. The way Chi sees it, Shiver requires more attention due to their life path being set out for them and requiring guidance. It makes sense for them to need more. And she can see how Same treats them. They aren't being given less. She treats them with a million percent more than the bare minimum. Her love isn't being divided between them, rather being magnified in an educational aspect to Shiver, who she is required to be hands on with.

Chi has the capacity to play the straight man between her and Sela when it comes to teasing Shiver, being a flat one liner kinda gal. She also presses for Shiver to take care of themselves in a very "you quite literally need this objectively" way. If they can't afford to do something crucial one day? They have to do it the next. It's Chi's Law. (One they like to try and fight, but can never truly escape.). Same enjoys Chi's Law. Where do you think Chi got it, after all?

Hope this was articulated well, anon. This genuinely improved my mood. I'd be happy to answer more text-based asks like this (and asks about Sela and Chi <3), they're a lot easier for me to handle than drawing requests I think due to motivation coming and going. Thanks for reading!!

#splatoon #hohojiro clan #shiver hohojiro #shiver splatoon

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thatoneitaliangirl · 11 months

Text

The Hat Man

(Just as an FYI, I change from past tense to present tense a couple of times. This isn’t a serious written work or anything, just a recollection of a dream so I don’t really care if it’s written that well, but I figured I’d give you a warning anyway cause I know stuff like that bothers me when reading lol.)

Long time no see! Sorry to my all of 2 followers that actually interact lol. But for serious, I am sorry for being gone for so long and not finishing things and leaving requests hanging. Its a bad habit of mine- I also got a boyfriend. We’ve been together for over a year now, and when we got together I kinda gave up fanfiction all together. I didn’t want to per say, it’s almost like I didn’t need it anymore. My Love took away my loneliness!~ But I still miss fanfiction lol. It just doesn’t feel the same anymore.

I’ve recently started on Anti-depressants and ADHD medication and I’m starting to get back into the things that I used to love. I’ve been wanting to write again for some time, but just wasn’t sure what to and if I’m even capable of coming up with a unique thought right now lol. So, instead of coming up with something unique, I figured I’d tell you guys about the weird ass dream I had a while back. I’ve been thinking about it constantly and just had to tell the internet because spooks.

I’m not exactly sure when I had the dream. It was a hot minute ago, like maybe 2 months or so? Before I go full into it, I would just like to state that, at the time, I had never heard of the Hat Man before. Which, now that I know, I’m surprised I hadn’t cause its right up my ally lol. But I hadn’t which makes this so much worse.

My dream starts with me as a kid, maybe around 5 or 6. I’m wearing a long sleeve dress and I’m playing with other kids outside in the woods. It was Fall, the leaves where brown and falling off the trees and there was a nice breeze. I grew up in Florida in an area where there were no large forest like areas. The only thing I could think of this coming from would be an area by the neighborhood gazebo that had a bunch of trees we used to climb, but no matter where you were in it, you could see houses, it wasn’t very large. Anyway, I was playing with other kids my age and somehow I got separated from them, but I wasn’t scared or lost, I was just alone. I come across this large tree that looks a bit different than the others in that it looks older and maybe darker. At the base of the tree is a small wooden box, about the size of a jewelry or music box. It was made of a light colored wood and had very minimal carvings on the side. I remember opening it and then time rushing forward in the dream of stuff happening around the house and me blaming the Hat Man and nobody believing me. They would think I was lying to get out of trouble but eventually it got so bad that they sent me to a mental hospital. The Hat Man in my dream looked very similar to the descriptions of him on the internet. He was very tall and was wearing like a ‘50′s style suite and hat with a long coat and he had a red tie and no face.

Time skips again but to the present. I’m my current age, 21, and I’m sitting in my room at the mental hospital talking to my therapist. She’s not anyone I recognize in real life, but she was really pretty I remember. She had long brown hair and was maybe in her early 30′s and spoke in a very kind and happy voice. She was discussing with me about how well I had been doing the past year and that the papers for my release had been signed, I just had to wait till morning. She was saying how she was so proud of me and how she was gonna miss me but she knew it was for the better.

I’m not sure how any of you feel about the paranormal or spiritual stuff, but my family and I believe in it. I have this one family member who is very in tune with that kind of stuff and for some reason, she was in my dream. This is probably one of the reasons this dream freaked me out so much, because I literally never dream about her. I honestly can’t even remember ever dreaming about her, and so I felt like there was a reason she was there. What’s weird though is that I never actually saw her in any form, I just knew that it was her. In the dream, she was in the same hospital as me, just down the hall in another room.

Later that night, I head to her room to tell her the good news, but I find her dead and run back to my room. I know that it was the Hat Man, and I begin freaking out that he was coming for me next. It was like he didn’t know where I was, but now that he did, he wanted to give me a warning.

In the morning, the therapist comes in to get me but sees me sitting on my bed, rocking back and forth. I didn’t sleep the whole night and I just kept mumbling to myself that the Hat Man was coming for me. She was confused because I had been perfectly fine the night before and hadn’t had an episode like this in a year. Suddenly, there was commotion out in the hall, and she runs to the door and sees a bunch of nurses and doctors running into my family members room. She grabs the first nurse she sees and asks them what’s going on, and she just shakes her head. The doctors begin to pull my family member out of her room on a stretcher, but we can’t see her cause she wrapped in a pink blanket and only her arm is sticking out. An older nurse sees me standing nervously and shaking behind my therapist in my bedroom entryway and glares at me. She suspects me because I knew who was killed and later on they see me on the security cameras walk down the hall to her room, enter, and immediately run back to my room. Because of this, I’m put under lockdown. I’m not allowed to leave the room and they have someone watching me constantly. The therapist is in complete disbelief and is conflicted. On one hand, she’s known me for years and knows I would never do that, but on the other hand, she saw I was having an episode and there was a lot of evidence suggesting I was the murderer.

For some reason, I’m not sure why, she decides to look into the Hat Man. Why she didn’t do this any other time while she was treating me is beyond me, but dream logic.

She goes to this really large and old library and spends hours looking through books and records and news articles that talk about the Hat Man. Late at night, she’s sitting in the library alone. Just a single lamp on the table and the moon shining through large windows behind her are the only light sources. She sees something in an article or a book that shocks her enough to believe that this entity could actually exist and she calls me to ask me what I know. I tell her that he can only come for you at night and if your alone in complete darkness. Just as I’m telling her this, you see him walk past the window behind her and she runs out of the library. She spends the rest of the night in bars, diners, and other 24 hour spaces until dawn breaks and she rushes back to the hospital to see me.

Somehow we figure out that my family member may have known something and was trying to protect me from the Hat Man, so she “breaks” me out of my room and we head down the hall to the murder scene to look for clues. We find a teddy bear that had a button to record but it’s missing the batteries. We quickly find some, put them in, and a message from my family member starts to play. All it says is for me to tell my aunt about the Hat Man and then I woke up.

As you can see, this dream freaked me the fuck out. Not only because of how insanely detailed it was, but because of the family member dying, the message, and just the over all fact that I always felt creeped out at our old house and so this just confirmed in my head for that time that spooky stuff was happening. In reality it was all in my head OR SO I THOUGHT but back to that later. Now that I’m typing this out, I realize that I had this dream at our old house so definitely not 2 months ago lol. We moved like 4 or 5 months ago- my sense of time is so freaking bad-

Anyway, I told all my family about the dream and they all agreed it was really creepy but that was kind of the end of it until I told my boyfriends friend. We were having a little game night and I don’t remember how the topic came up, but I ended up telling her about my dream and she was like, “Ah yes, the Hat Man. He comes to get you for not taking your ADHD medication.” And I was like WHAT???? She was shook I didn’t know about the Hat Man, and I was shook BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING REAL????? Or, not real, but that the concept was an actual thing and I didn’t just make it up in a weirdly vivid nightmare.

She explained a bit about him to me and I looked him up on the internet. What’s funny is that, while I have ADHD and have been diagnosed with it since the 2nd grade, I’ve never taken medication for it before until literally 2 days ago. So I just kinda thought that was funny. I’m sure somewhere in the past I stumbled upon a meme or a joke about the Hat Man and my subconscious just kinda filled him in there but I still have no recollection of ever hearing about him before. And while I’ve thought about this dream on and off for the past few months, I only really started thinking about it again because my family recently told me that there was something in our old house, more that what I had originally knew. Like I said, I always got a weird feeling in that house, kinda like I wasn’t alone even if I was the only one in the house. My cousin had told me there was a spirit of a little boy but that he was harmless. Still, I felt off about it but I just kinda chalked it up to me being creeped out over everything, even if he was harmless- not sure if I ever mentioned it on here before, but one day I was in my room, home alone, and I got out of bed cause I had to use the bathroom and I was watching a tik tok and as I looked up from my phone to grab my door handle, the knob was turning on its own and I decided that, maybe, I didn’t actually have to use the bathroom and went back to bed. My aunt told me it could have been one of the cats, but I didn't really believe that. And now, the other day, I’m told that there was something bad in the house that the family member that died in my dream found and it freaked her out. And guess what fellas???? The reason they never told me about it was because IT WAS IN MY FUCKING BEDROOM so moral of the story is, trust your gut, dreams can’t hurt you, and the Hat Man is real.

#thehatman #Hatman #baddream #nightmare #paranormal #ghost #spirit #entity #haunted #hauntedhouse

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yellowloid · 2 years

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I have a theory about Mr Schwartz:

Mr Schwartz is James Ford, the one who's been working with the band and supporting through all of their career, holding the crew and everyone together. Plus, he's worked with Alex and Miles on their tlsp albums. Miles could be the 'you' as they put out two albums together and are now wondering whether or not they could make a third one, the 'third chance'

hi anon! that is a very interesting theory you've got there. it would indeed be very interesting on alex's part (and also kinda cute of him) to dedicate a song to someone who's been such a constant presence in his career. i think the part about miles being the 'you' he's talking to really fits, along with the part about them having put out two albums and considering trying for another baby, as alex would say. that gives me hope for tlsp3 so i'm glad you put this interpretation in my inbox skfhsfhhs

however, let me add my two cents on what this song could possibly be about. obviously this is just my opinion + we have to wait and see how the song fits with the others once the album is out + we'll never really know, and that's okay. this is just some good old fan analysis.

i'm gonna be basic and say i think mr. schwartz is alex. the song itself gives me strong the bourne identity + anyways vibes, and i think it might also be directly connected to body paint. i find it very interesting that they decided to debut these two songs together, and maybe there's a reason why they did it.

i'm gonna talk specifically about anyways, mr. schwartz and body paint, since i feel like tbi goes even deeper and towards other directions and i'd end up writing an essay on it alone.

these three songs seem to share a common idea - that is, awareness of one's own façades, and the way in which said façades are slowly but surely crumbling down.

first of all we have anyways, which i think along with the ultracheese can be considered the prequel to what we're gonna get once the album is out. lots and lots of self-reflection - influenced by the pandemic? - and an eerie feeling of loneliness, a cryptic stillness that is captured perfectly by the car's album cover.

now let's compare these verses from anyways, body paint and mr. schwartz respectively:

"what a place for both the opposite sides of my double life to finally collide / sharing secrets i was taking to the grave / nosebleeds from epiphanies i took full in the face"

"for a master of deception and subterfuge / you made yourself quite the bed to lie in / [...] and I'm keeping on my costume"

"and if we guess who i'm pretending to be / do we get a prize?"

the anyways verse is all about epiphanies: it's him coming to terms with the fact that he's been keeping up a façade, two different lives he's been living, accepting it as a reality and even introducing himself to the listeners - who already know him, but he's doing it again ("you can call me alexander, it's nice to meet you all"), because the song is all about him finally putting on paper what he's slowly been realising. he takes it into account, and goes on with it.

then we get to the car.

the tracklist isn't organised at random. i'm convinced that mirrorball opens and perfect sense closes it for very specific reasons. nothing is left to chance. the album is all about self-reflection and discovery, and maybe, just maybe, getting to the end having finally sorted things out. having them make perfect sense for the very first time. (however, we'll see once we get to hear the full album)

so, it's not accidental that body paint comes before mr. schwartz (respectively track 5 and 9). in both songs, there are two yous he's talking to - one is himself (and he alternates it with the 1st person pronoun), while the other one is this mysterious other person, maybe a lover, maybe a friend, maybe just a hypothetical listener. (obviously i'm a milex demon so you already know who i'm thinking about, but i'm not gonna analyze it through the milex lens rn so let's not derail. maybe if someone's interested i could do it)

both songs are self-deprecating, but in slightly different ways. body paint is about being aware of those façades, of how good he really is at keeping them up ("master of deception and subterfuge"); how not being able - or not being allowed - to be his true self makes him miserable ("you made yourself quite the bed to lie in"). but at the same time, as he says in mr. schwartz, "there's not one god damn thing that you can do about this". he can't do anything to change this situation. it's an impasse. he's stuck.

however, after all this reflection on his part, the two songs get to very different conclusions.

in body paint, he's "keeping on [his] costume". he's choosing to deny this reality, going on and pretending everything's fine because it's easier that way. there's a bitter taste to it, but he still chooses to keep going down that path.

on the contrary, although the ending is quite ominous, in mr. schwartz there's this verse:

"having attempted twice, both incorrectly / do we get a third try?"

there's this feeling of uncertainty, of skepticism when being faced with the opportunity to try again and let go of all his façades. he's not even sure that opportunity is there.

but the fact that he's asking whether there is, indeed, a possibility to try yet again - it tells us he's willing to do it, and he might as well give himself a chance.

after all, he said it himself in the bourne identity: "i'm the mystery man that's been unmasked". perfect sense will close the album, and maybe by then he'll finally be able to let go of his mask.

#AGAIN obviously this is just my opinion and a silly little theory. don't come at me if you don't agree #i have a million other theories about this (both alex-focused and about his imaginative dialogue with the you in question)#so if anyone is interested 👉👈 you know 👉👈 i wouldn't be opposed to sharing them 👉👈#anyway thanks for your input anon!! it was greatly appreciated 💖#answered #my theories

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eglectic · 1 year

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January 2 — Pre-Birthday Fun

Current weight: 194

What I ate today:

Cold brew

Iced coffee; coconut shrimp entree with mango orange sauce, sweet potato fries and onion rings with chipotle mayo

A slice of key lime pie

Scallops with risotto; 3 Tito’s with ginger beer; a little bit of fried cheese

My tummy growled multiple times from last night all the way until I ate my first meal today. I felt pretty full and almost nauseous all day from all the food, though. It’s kinda interesting that that and more used to be something I would eat in a day without batting an eye, without even thinking it’s a lot. I’m fascinated by how my perception of food and quantities and fullness and hunger has changed. I’ve gotten a lot better at experiencing hunger and have less tolerance for feeling stuffed.

Another thing — I don’t feel bad emotionally when I over eat anymore because I noticed I’m soooo much stronger at the gym the following days.

I ended up going to dinner for my bestie’s birthday today. We’re going out together tomorrow, too.

To be a little vulnerable, when I was coming home after dinner I was craving dessert because I felt lonely. It would be nice to come home into someone’s arms. So I’m allowing myself to feel a little lonely and yearning for the comfort of a life partner, instead of turning to more sweets. Loneliness and discomfort are just vibrations in my body. They’re allowed. 😌

I was telling my friends at the NYE party — I’m really happy that I’m surrounded by so many healthy loving couples in my life these days. Growing up, everyone’s relationships seemed toxic and undesirable. Now, I feel like there’s an abundance of healthy love in my life, and it inspires me to keep my standards high. I have so many friends that are each other’s equivalent and genuinely love each other. I take it as a sign that it’s possible and it’s happening for me, too. Also, my last two relationships were pretty good and I was treated pretty well. So I think it’s only getting better with time.

My birthday is tomorrow and I’m still so excited! I just know that it’s gonna be an EPIC year and honestly — an epic life from here on out. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me.

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huffle-dork · 1 year

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I have a question about your swap au. Why did magnificent turn "evil?" I know in the swap au he's like Anti so a more villiany, tormentor, cruel type character. But in the collage stories/drabbles/fics you do he's like a friend towards Jackie, Zara, etc. So what made him turn "bad" and torment his past friends? Just curious! 🧐

(You might have already mentioned it in a fic/story but I will admit it can be hard for me to read through longer ones, so I could've missed it)

So it’s a combination of lots of things! I’ve mostly said in asks but haven’t really had a chance to have the characters say for certain what happened to make magnificent this way because no one knows besides Mag! Even Jackie doesn’t know because as far as he knows- the marvin he knew died in a circus fire.

I have been wanting to write it out maybe even in my next story but I’ll give y’all some more insight!

None of this is excusing what mag does by the way- just explains how we got here. There’s no redeeming him because he has and will continue to do awful things. It’s a “cool motive, still murder.” Kinda thing XD

Mag had an abusive dad- another magician who thought Marvin wasn’t living up to his full potential. Eventually he got away and went to live with his grandma but that damage was done. He didn’t learn how to keep the people he loved in his life very well. He was also ostracized at school because he was strange- kinda like how allistic kids avoid neurodivergent kids but more on the magical sense you know? They could just feel like something was off. But Marvin didn’t really care cuz he had Jackie and for the most part they were the best of friends!

Untilll college- and Jackie started to fall in love with Zara. And Marvin didn’t really like how much Zara hogged his best friend. And with the freedom of uni he started studying stronger magic. But he really didn’t want to be regulated like he was when he was learning as a kid. But that means he could lean on darker magic… and with the combination of his jealously and the magic he was studying he started to become just darker and crueler. And one day Jackie mentioned how he was gonna propose to Zara and misspoke- making it seem like Marvin and him wouldn’t be in each other lives after he got married… so Marvin disappeared.

From Jackie’s perspective- he disappeared and then a couple years later he read that the magnificent circus went up in flames. What actually happened was Magnificent- consumed by loneliness and rage- turned completely to dark magic and let it burn out his soul and emotions, scarring his eye/blinding and altering him permanently. At first he was still human- but now? He’s definitely not. He’s sacrificed a lot of humanity for power- since that’s the only thing that gives him close to the feeling of “joy” anymore.

TLDR: Mag had a tough childhood, only had one friend, then he got jealous of said friend’s future wife and decided to sacrifice all his magic and soul to the dark side cuz his bitch was taken forever :,( HGHVJB

(Tbh this is based on like a lot of trauma I’ve been through with friends so jghvh Mag semi self insert what??? HFGGG)

#swap magnificent #Magnificent’s backstory #I’ve hinted at this a lot but literally my next plan for a story was gonna cover some of this HGHVH #but it would be mag’s retelling so it’d be biased anyways HFGVB l #Huffle asks

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railroad-migraine · 2 years

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Okay spoilers for Ep 33/34 of Campaign 3 so it's a read more kinda post :) Rambles ahead, feel free to ignore.

You have been warned!

So I haven't watched the episodes yet, I'm still playing catch up, but I was partly spoiled by a YouTube recommendation (thanks for the spoiler in the vid title btw /extreme sarcasm) and partly curious so I just had to look up WHO DIES BC THEY ARE MY FAVES (they're all my faves at this point ngl)

And ooooooh boy. For some reason I expected Orym to die. He'd be with Will and other fallen friends and family again, be able to rest his head and not have to worry so much anymore (ofc I do not want any of them to die bc I love them all, but in my head it made sense y'know)

But Laudna. My fun scary girl. I love her so so much.

She's barely had a life and it's already been taken from her. I really want her back, but I'm unsure how that will go. (Keep in mind I don't know the full context yet of the tough battle Matt threw at them yet :))

There's gonna be so much potential for spiralling morality narratives and angst and revenge and unrealistic promises. Would she even be the same person if she came back? What could this spark within the party and their values? In Laudna herself? Would Delilah still be clinging onto her mind, would she have a stronger or weaker control over her body?

Or will the party just... Move on. She stays dead, hopefully finally finding some peace after years of loss and loneliness, after meeting a rag tag group who genuinely cared for her, after protecting people she loves. She won't become someone or something else, like Mollymauk and Lucien and Kingsley. She'll just remain as they remember her, as simply but amazingly Laudna.

That said, despite me being in mourning a few episodes behind the inevitable, I am excited for whenever whenever Marisha returns to the table.

Be it an NPC, guest character, or PC - I always look forward to an introduction. Whether Marisha will come back as Laudna (who in my opinion was her best character yet), or a completely new character, I am excited to see how/who she will play next.

#mod poet #critical role spoilers #critical role spoiler

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moveslikejaggeria · 2 years

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im very tired, tumblr dot com. im just very much exhausted. i think about how much i wanted to die just a few weeks ago and how happy i am now. but also,,, how i was right. happiness always comes in such fleeting moments. it sucks. the river is smaller, my dear friends, much easier to cross these days. but it doesnt mean its not still there.

i stopped seeing my therapist. and dietician. neither of them really reached out. fair enough. i think we were just dancing around the inevitable. i am therapist-proof: i repel them. its something about me that just pushes them away. its the me-ness.

i want a family so badly. all my friends are dating!! this sucks!! im so happy for them but wheres MY lover dearest. i hate dating apps though, im done with them. i gotta Know someone to date them and thats so hard over dating apps. alas

im so tired. not so much that its reached my bones, but its definitely deep in my muscles. i went and got a massage. it sucked and was expensive. now im sitting in the shower avoiding going to sleep bc as soon as i do tomorrow has to start. bleh

keep this to yourself porn bots but there was this person i really liked last year and god i was pretty infatuated but theyre not single so i had to get over it but sometimes i still have dreams with them in it and its kinda weird. like ik i cant control my dreams but it Feels manipulative to be in a situation where they are at my brains will. even i wont conform to that. plus then i wake up and the bed’s a little colder. alas

the loneliness is so deep in my bones i dont think itll ever leave, like a tumor they cant remove and you just kinda have to live with it and accept your fate. like a constant reminder that youre not normal or healthy and you never will or can be.

UGH i have TWO (2) meetings tomorrow. one of which is gonna SUCK bc i just have to sit there and be silent. i used to be really good at being silent. im twinning with mae from avatar lol.

i wish i lived in fiction. i wish i lived in a story that the author had all planned out and they had this nice little ending planned where everything was gonna finally be okay and id be happy. i think im trapped in a not-happy ending story. where the author tortures their characters relentlessly

how far away is labor day? i think labor day i’ll clean my apartment and finish moving in. maybe i’ll invite some friends over to keep me company, maybe not. maybe they will be busy or not want to. idk

not even a full week of school and im done. BLEH. i wish my therapist had put up more of a fight. or i had a better therapist. but then i wouldnt be talking to you, tumblr dot com! or maybe i still would. thats the question

there are two kind of depressed people: the ones who write happy endings for characters and imagine themselves AS the character to feel whole and those who torture their characters out of catharsis or to not feel so alone. so i suppose this is all karma for my fictional characters. do you think if i become the former life would be better?

OH tumblr dot com, i know you hate the tiky toky app, but they told me i was gonna find a partner this year! oh can you believe it! and if i listened to this one sound and manifested, i would be rich. oh tumblr dot com, can you imagine? someone to just hold and be held by? someone who you can lay your head against and listen to their heartbeat? someone you can trust with your whole you? oh tumblr dot com, how i do love to go on…

one last thing before i let you continue scrolling, mr porn bot. the happiest day of my life that i can remember is that one saturday last semester. i went to the arcade/golf course/gokart place place with my friends and we spent the day there and then we came home and i got to meet lewberger and see them perform and oh! the day before when i got my picture taken with stinger and got ice cream and knew random facts about greys anatomy and oh,,, to be young again. to live in those moments and just be happy. for that fleeting moment

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llamabombz · 2 years

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Personal rant//please ignore unless you want to//I'm not your dad do what you want

So, hey this is kinda out of the ordinary for me. I know my blog is just and endless series of reblogs, a neverending stream of shitposts of anything that give me even an ounce of happiness. But I think at a point where I just need to say something

I'm really tired of the life I've had to live this far, all the people who came and gone, all the people who I have now I feel guilty of even bothering cause I feel like I've never made any effort to make anything or myself. I feel like a waste of time to myself and anyone else I've ever known.

And all of this this is just sucks. I have nothing to come home to. No one who I can meaningfully share my life with. My family is distant, my friends have their own shit to deal with and at the end of the day I have to tell myself that its ok to just live my life for myself, and that's great in theory and all of it wasnt total bullshit.

I want to have more friends, I want to make meaningful relationships with people, it's just I've never been taufgt how, and I know that sounds stupid but like how do you really tell someone "hey I want you to be a part of my life" without it sounding like a desperate plea to escape loneliness.

I'm stuck

Stuck in a world that has no place for me, and stuck in my own body that I've grown to hate as the years go by. Like on top of the defects and degenerative diseases I get to enjoy living with leaving me disabled In my own fun little ways I also just wish I was born as like anyone else. I'm trans, it took me a long tike to figure that out and now I get to live the fact that I may never be able to transition.

Like can the world just stop for like, two days, it's ok world you can take a fucking weekend I know your schedule of making everything worse all the time is full but seriously you can take a break. Make it a long weekend you deserve it you dumb piece of shit.

Anyways I'm drunk. I walked an hour to a bar in the middle of the night cause I couldnt stand the idea of going home after work for the millionth time.

To those who loved me I'm sorry. I tried. I really did. I'm trying every day, and I know it might not look like it but I'm so tired. I tried to give you all I had and I know now that it might have not been much, but I'm growing, I'm changing and I'm trying to catch up with everyone the best I can.

I wish the world was kinder, I wish we could all get the chances we need to grow and change. I guess I've just run out of hope at this point. It's not like I'm gonna off myself I made a promise to someone so I'm stuck here no worries about that. I just really wish I could get a second chance.

I'm prob gonna delete this later once I'm sober. Goodnight Tumblr, I hope you're doing better than I am I really do mean it.

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wisdominfumbling · 1 month

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Taking accountability over actions.

My parents have always told me life is all about making desitions and hopefully making the right ones.. Now my dad specifically tells me that more importantly life is about making the wrong ones and learning from that. Learning from the pain, the suffering, the shame, the loneliness, the anxiety and so much more. At frist I didn´t understand when he would say that

¿Why would my own father want me experiencing those feelings?

Later on in life I have found the answer, cause he loves me and he wants me to be happy and life a full life, be a complete woman and in order for me to be that I have to have awful days and weeks, hopefully not months and years but you never know. Now I thought I knew what heartache felt like, a breakup, love related feelings but the truth is I have never been in love, never felt true relationship like love, out of my mind Romeo and Juliet love. I know guys have I´ve been with have felt that for me but I have never been able to reciprocate. ¿Why? I have a short (but still important) list of reasons:

Im immature, somehow I still believe in the perfect guy. tall, handsome (not pretty), smart, loyal, funny, pro family, respectful, athelic, good in bed, manly. And I blame my dad for that, he has always shown me that I deserve the world and the best and that everyone is replaceable and when someone doesn´t fit into one of those requirements I should leave. now the problem is that it really shouldn´t be like that. Im not telling you to settle for something lower but I am saying that some things can be fixed and you should focus on the core of the person. most important is that they have to be loyal, tall, pro family, have a job and respectful. the rest can be altered, I can style him better, cut his hair different, send him to the gym, show him tricks in bed. not so important things but the core should be top requirements for a boyfriend.

I only know how to obsess with guys, dont know how to love them.

Im scared of commitment, Im terrified of telling them everything and then im this vulnerable person and they´ll maybe do the same to me.

Im insecure, physically. im always gonna be comparing to other women specially the cute, thin, blonde ones. I always find them more feminine, prettier.

If there are more reasons.. i forgot them.

The point is, due to those reasons im not able to be in a relationship only situationships work until they start getting serious and i dip or do something to fuck everything up. And thats exactly what i did, if i can give you good and simple advice.. DO NOT DATE YOUR FRIENDS FRIENDS.. EVER. yes it can go really well but it also can go REALLY bad. and you dont want to go there, im telling you.

I was going out with my boy bestfriend´s friend, all good, he had more interest in me than i had in him, he asked me out we went out a couple times on dates, i stayed over at his house, all good (kinda, im not gonna get into the werid stuff that pulled me away) but even after i posted him on my story and people saw us out and about, i still got some dms of guys i used to talk to (and fuck) wanting to see me and stuff. This specific guy im kinda obsessing with dmed me and we talked. my situationship saw and yeah. so basically im a cheater, i fucked up and its been like a month and a half and i still cant get over it. i have so much guilt evenm tho my friends forgave me ? and told me i had nothing to worry about i still worry. i feel bad. i saw this great guy that cared for me, crying in his bed, asking me again and again why did i do it and i just didnt have a good honest answer to give him cause honestly i would end up causing more damage.

A month and a half and already fucked another person, I have been on a couple dates but i just cant seem to replace him yet. which is funny cause when we were a thing it seemed pretty easy to replace him. im also lazy cause if i wanted to be with the guy im obsessing with i could just take the metro and be there in a hour. maybe i feel guilty about seeing him too. fuck i feel guilty about seeing my friends too. i have only told three friends, my bestie that i called him the same day it happened and he helped me out a little but hes a guy so he didnt get it as much, my other guy friend and he was sweeter and told me to not worry and that everyone fucks up at a certain time but as long as i knew that it was wrong it was okay and that he had done much worse, and my other friend shes a girl so she understood better and was very sweet about it, i think they´re being sweet with me is because im the youngest and they can see the shame and the regret in my face everytime they see me.

I know that i shouldve been more straightforward and direct and just told him that i could not give him a relationship at the moment but i just didnt wanna lose on any side. i wanted to have him while having another other and not having any kind of limitation or whatever. I understand thats not how life works but sometimes i fool myself into believing that the universe loves me so mcuh that i get this "im gonna look the other way" treatment. i hope i can feel better now and start moving on with my life, i cannot be stuck on this for any longer. i know he is not stuck and i also know that we will see each other eventually and i want him to see me normal, even if i was the one that fucked up i dont want him to see me that affected.

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aeoki · 4 months

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Fist of the Shangri-la Idol - Action Star: Chapter 8

Location: “Fist of the Shangri-la Idol” Movie Set Characters: Subaru & Mao Season: Summer

Subaru: ……☆

Mao: Hey, Subaru, if you’re not gonna eat that peach bun, then could I have it?

Subaru: !? How could you say something so cruel, Sari~!? I trusted you!

Mao: Well, you were just staring at it and it didn’t look like you’d eat it anytime soon, so I figured you didn’t want it anymore.

Subaru: That’s not true! Anzu made this for us – I’ll take a bite once I’ve fully reflected on how grateful I am to her and how happy I am to be alive!

Mao: You did that too during Valentine’s Day, huh… Food’s made to be eaten, so be sure you eat it, okay?

Subaru: I’ll eat food but it just kinda feels like a waste, you know…? ♪

Mao: You’re just not hungry, right? Then, I’ll help you eat it – pass it here ♪

Subaru: Woah, Sari~ you pig! You’ll get fat, you know? Don’t take the precious Anzu component away from me!

Mao: What the heck is an Anzu component? I won’t take it away from you – I was just kidding…

There’s my chance!

Subaru: Hey~! Hey~! Sari~ you liar! You bully!

Ugh, I’ve got no choice but to eat it before he takes it! *Munch, munch, munch…*

Argh! *Cough cough!?*

Mao: You’re choking!? Are you okay, Subaru~!?

Subaru: Ahaha ☆ I was just joking with you~! That’s payback for being so mean!

Mao: Why, you–! You got me seriously worried there!

Subaru: I know. You also had me “seriously worried” about you, so it’s payback ♪

…Thanks, though. I’ve gotten some energy back after doing something stupid. I was feeling pretty down today for some reason.

Mao: Yeah? That’s good to hear. But you tend to do stuff like cheer Makoto up against his will when he’s worried about something, right?

I tried copying you. I’m always learning a lot from your communication skills, Akehoshi-sensei.

Subaru: Huh? When did I ever do that?

Mao: You didn’t know? Things are different this year, but remember how I used to be in a different class from you guys last year…?

There were a lot of times where I’d be watching you guys from afar and it made me realise a lotta stuff.

I put each of those things into practice, made it my own and became a proper member of “Trickstar”. I’ll be a shining star with you guys at the same place.

Subaru: Hmm~ you always say stuff like that, but from the first time you stood on stage with us up until now, you’ve always been a part of “Trickstar”, you know?

Mao: Yeah. You guys will always tell me that, but it’s just a matter of my own feelings.

The sense of inferiority that’s stuck with me for a long time and the feeling of loneliness will, for sure, take time to disappear, though…

Subaru: Whaddya mean by feeling of loneliness?

Mao: Let’s not dig any further… But, you know, those sorta feelings don’t disappear just like that.

I don’t think it’s something I should easily change or pretend “it never happened”.

All those dark feelings and worries are still part of me, after all.

The same goes for you, right? You’d hate it if they tried to erase all the dirty and hateful things they said about your dad against your own will, right?

Subaru: Yeah… I guess.

Mao: Of course, you’ve converted all those difficult things from your past into your own brilliance.

I wanna do that too – I’ve had a pretty simple life compared to you guys, though.

I’ll turn every single one of the things I’ve experienced in my life into my own nutrients.

Subaru: Just like a peach bun.

Mao: Just like a peach bun.

But unlike the snacks that Anzu makes that are full of love, it takes time for my painful past to be digested and converted.

I’ll face it head-on, digest it, accept it and believe that all those things make up who I am…

It’ll take some time to turn all those things into nutrients that will help me move forward.

I think that applies to how me and Makoto always feel – and probably Hokuto this time too. It’ll all take time for it to be made a part of us.

It might seem ugly to the people around us seeing us self-deprecating and losing heart like that.

But we can’t digest it even if we eat it quickly, so I hope you can be patient and watch over us… Subaru.

You finished eating first but someday, we’ll flatten it, turn it into a driving force and stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you.

Subaru: …Okay. I believe in you guys. I know.

But it’s lonely and boring to wait on my own, so I’ll help accelerate the digestion! Come on, come on, your stomach’s around here, right~? ♪

Mao: Hey, stop… don’t squeeze my stomach! That’s sexual harassment, Akehoshi-sensei! I told you to be patient and wait, didn’t I!?

Subaru: ……!?

Mao: Urgh! Hey, easy there! You’re trying to make me throw up that peach bun, aren’t you!? Someone’s greedy!

Subaru: Uh, sorry about that. Even someone like me wouldn’t eat something someone threw up~ I’m not a bird.

But I think I just heard a scream so that surprised me.

Mao: A scream…?

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