#so now everyone is gonna fucking know my deadname.

[emodennis]

i have a horrible feeling about my new job.

#i just got an email to set up my account for this staff portal where you clock in and out and see your schedule and your pay stub n all that #and it has my deadname on it #and i’m like okay whatever it’s probably there cuz like my I9 and W4 and bank account are linked #but then. i see there’s a page where you can ‘meet the team’ #and it says everyone’s names that are going to be working at my camp #so now everyone is gonna fucking know my deadname. #i am really fucking upset #i literally emailed the person in charge of diversity and inclusion a while back asking about their preferred name and pronouns procedures #and they made it sound like i don’t have anything to worry about and the other staff members won’t know my deadname. like only HR and those- #-people will know #like ummmm i guess you forgot about the staff portal huh? #fuck my fucking life #i’m so mad #get your shit together #this is the bay area california #have you literally not employed a trans person before???? #how has this not been an issue ????????? #i’m convinced they’re gonna fuck up my name on the roster too #they’ll call it out during roll call #and i’ll have to be like IT’S. PHOENIX. #and be humiliated for the rest of the day and go to the bathroom and cry. #phoenix talks

[agayconcept]

.

#genuinely actually how am i in a position where i literally have to go stage a sit-in to be allowed to speak to my fucking doctor #thats what i have to do on monday. take a train and 2 buses to go protest-sit in the waiting room bc the nurses at the office r ghosting me #and not passing along any of my messages #why u ask? #well dear reader #that would be because theyre about HRT! and everyone who works there are transphobic pieces of shit!! #who delieberately drag out the process to idk punish me ??? who tf knows #but its been EIGHT YEARS since i had them change my name in the system and everyone except my 1 doctor & 1 receptionist still deadname me #they deliberately call me a woman etc at every chance they get #and when i tried to get referred to another doctors office for hrt bc i knew this would happen?? #they didnt put the referral thru. oh my doctor wrote it. the nurses and other ppl at the office didnt send it. #then when my doctor forced them to they dragged it out so long i had to literally abandon it and get my hrt thru this office bc it had been #ALMOST AN ENTIRE YEAR. #so ok. now im stuck getting it thru the transphobic office but that should be fine bc the doctor isnt transphobic so as long as i talk to- #OH OK. THEY REFUSE TO PUT MY MESSAGES THRU TO HIM. THEY REFUSE TO LET ME SPEAK TO HIM AT ALL. i can only contact him thru them #which means they can simply. Not tell him that i called. and that way they can deny me what he wants to give me #that they so clearly have a fucking problem with. great. cool. thats just....fucking fabulous #before anyone asks YES this is illegal. YES i am reporting them. but its a process and not an instant one so in the meantime i am literally #just. gonna show up and refuse to leave until i have spoken to my doctor. face to face or on a direct line. #no messages no voicemails no passing it along NO BULLSHIT. i am NOT leaving until it happens #so anyway. who wants to help me crowdfund transit money for my sit-in next week cause i dont have a way to get there but i am GOING #paypal.me/DuckyKeith if u have a few spare bucks to help cover bus fare #help me ruin some transphobes' days #better yet help me ruin some transphobes' WEEK. #because if they dont let me talk to him monday? i'll be back tuesday. and wednesday. gurl im moving iN call the uhaul

[thcfountain]

Dating Noah includes:

mdni. smut & fluff. ftm x Noah.

Noah always making sure that no one misgenders you or uses your deadname. (He's buff now so if they try, he can take 'em.)

Working out together and having body goals that you're both aiming towards, which means you encourage and support each other even when it feels hard to work out some days.

"You are looking so buff," you coo at him, admiring his shirtless body after a workout. The two of you have retired to the shower together to wash off the sweat and stink.

He grins and tugs you towards him by the waist of your sweats that you had yet to ditch. "You look handsome too," he tells you before a kiss.

Noah helps you record your voice at intervals after you start t. He's just as excited for the change as you are.

Going to Pride together as a couple.

"Will you do my eyeshadow?" he asks, handing you over the colors of his sexuality flag.

"You're gonna be gorgeous when I'm done," you promise. "or hideous," you add teasingly, "who knows."

The whole band is very anti transphobes and they WILL tell people off in your defence.

"Support trans people or die by the," slight pause as Folio stumbles to repeat the meme, "fishing pole..." he waves the pole menacingly and you laugh.

"It's not by the pole, it's by THE BLADE!" Yells Noah, unsheathing one of his swords.

Noah is a MUNCH. We all know it, okay. And this fact doesn't change for you. Yeah he still loves eating you out but he's also big on sucking t-dick.

Being on testosterone, also, makes you wildly horny. A fact that Noah revels in. The second he catches on that you're needy, he's there.

Your back leans against the wall for support, pants and boxers around your ankles as Noah takes your growth into his mouth, earning whimpers and soft, panting moans from you.

A finger works its way into your core as he pulls back, strings of spit bridging between his lips and your dick. "Fuck," he moans, fingers arching up into you, "I love sucking your cock, baby."

-

He's got you bent over the kitchen table, a fact that everyone else would surely complain about, but you couldn't care less in this moment. Your cheek presses against cold wood and every thrust into you has you crying out his name, desperate for him to let you cum.

-

You know it's taking everything in him not be loud, to continue whispering commands on how he wants you to touch yourself, how which sucker or dildo to use. You know that he hates not being able to see all of you, but he's on tour and facetime will have to do.

He's uncomfortably hard in his stage outfit, internally torn between seeing if he can jack off quickly before the opener finishes and he has to on stage, and he knows you timed this purposely. "Brat," he teases when you finally cum. "When I get home, this earned you a few spankings."

he wears pins with the trans pride flag, excitedly points out trans characters in media to you, he's an ally, and he's adorable about it.

You steal his hoodies and sweaters constantly. They give you gender euphoria and they smell like him. He jokingly complains about it but you've caught him spraying his cologne on your favorite hoodies before he leaves for tour.

some times the band has boys night, no girlfriends allowed, and they amend it to no partners because you kept tagging along and being disgustingly cute with Noah. They love you though.

baking cookies for Noah when he comes home from tour and helping him do his stinky laundry.

Coming home and finding Matt holding your packer in confusion.

"What is this?" he asks, holding it up as Noah snickers with laughter at Matt's lack of knowledge.

"Unhand my dick, Dierkes!" You laugh and as it dawns on him, he flings it at Noah.

"I don't wanna touch another dude's dick, no matter what it's made of!" He yells, running to wash his hands of your cooties.

Getting top surgery and being able to walk around shirtless with the guys.

"Your cup size is bigger than your boyfriend's," Jolly jokes to Noah and you grin, striking a pose to show off your chest.

"I'm part of the tiny tittie committee, thank you," Noah replies sarcastically.

He uses you as a pillow or human weighted blanket all the time because you're warm and he demands snuggles.

Gay jokes. All the time. You guys are constantly joking with each other.

"Your tie is straighter than I am," he tells you one day with a chuckle.

You turn to look in the mirror and adjust it. "Now it's gayer than you."

Having two secret snack stashes. The one Noah has found and thinks you don't know he's found, and the real one.

sometimes you two wear matching clothes.

Going fishing with Folio, attempting to rollerblade with Ruffilo, Jolly teaching you how to properly shave. You're officially everyone's adopted brother.

Other fans under the trans umbrella start referring to you both as their dads. Noah's a little overwhelmed by suddenly being dad to hundreds. It's okay though, he's also flattered.

"Post something on Twitter for me," he says, a little out of the blue but not so surprising since he refuses to return to social media yet.

You pull your phone out, ready to shoot off a tweet from your profile for him.

He seems to think about it for a moment, wording himself just so. "The only thing anyone expects of you today, is to survive."

"You're such a good father figure," you tease, sending the post. "I just won't tell them about you setting our bathroom on fire with Yankee candles."

BATHS! Noah loves baths and he abs absolutely adores having you sit in his lap and relax with him. He plays lofi music, makes a charcuterie board, he goes all out.

He doesn't go back to VA much anymore - the South has long since quit being his home. But every once in a while trips are made. Everyone packs up to go hang out with Ruffilo down there or everyone shuffles over to Maryland so Folio can host.

An argument is ensuing between Ruffilo, Jolly, and Noah - it takes place in Ruffilo's backyard on a particularly warm, summer day. It's not often that they're off tour and even less often that everyone's gotten together down here, but here you all are.

You and Folio are splashing each other in a kiddy pool, you've caught Noah checking your swim trunks out a few times earlier but for the moment, he's preoccupied.

"I should be the one to grill. I'm TRANS DAD," announced Noah, puffing his chest out in an exaggerated way. You're pretty sure he could take the other two in a fight if he wanted.

"Yeah but it's my grill," says Nicholas, who's usually the least likely to get into an argument. "Plus, you aren't band dad."

Jolly snaps a pair of tongs their way. "I should be grill dad," he tells them.

As the argument continues on, you watch as Matt goes unnoticed, setting the grill up and you and Folio are quick to help.

The burgers are practically done by the time Noah, Jolly, and Ruffilo actually take notice.

Gaming together for fun. Usually its not too competitive, but every once in a while there's a promise that loser gives the winner a bj.

#noah sebastian smut #noah sebastian imagine #ftm x noah sebastian

[karmic-vibes]

If I Can Dream

8 - Oh Why Can’t My Dream Come True

art credit: @lazylittledragon on tumblr and lazyjunebug on twitter

cw: gender dysphoria, misuse of pronouns, use of deadname

Year: 1988

“They’re gonna freak out,” Eddie panicked.

“No they won’t,” Steve assured.

“They’re gonna call me a girl,” he hissed.

“And I’ll yell at them, then we’ll leave. You’re my boyfriend and soon-to-be husband, alright? I’m not gonna let them walk all over you.”

“If you say so.”

“Oh, hello boys. What brings you here?” he asked.

“Oh, hello boys. What brings you here?” he asked.

“Off to a good start,” Steve whispered. “Hi, dad. We, uh… we actually had some news we wanted to share with you guys.”

“Alright, what is it?”

“For starters, we’re getting married.”

“Oh, congratulations!” Pattie cheered, forcing the two of them into a hug.

“How, uh… how exactly does that work?” John asked.

“Well…” Steve looked to Eddie, seeking his approval before continuing. He gave him a nod and a reassuring rub on the back. “Since Eddie is still legally considered a female, we’re able to get married. When we go to change his last name, he’ll finally be changing his first one too.”

“About time,” John said.

“You’re telling me,” Eddie dryly chuckled.

“So what else?” Pattie asked.

“Hmm?” Steve hummed.

“You said ‘for starters’—what else is there?”

“Well…” They looked the each other, fear filling their eyes. “We’re, um… uh…”

“For Christ’s sake, we’re having a baby,” Eddie rushed out.

Pattie and John stood there catching flies. Their eyes bulged out of their head, not quite sure how to take the news.

“Okay, not everyone speak all at once, god,” Steve said.

“I… are you sure?” Pattie asked.

“Yeah, we’re sure.”

“Okay, but how sure?”

“I took an at home test and just got my blood work done. So… pretty sure…”

“Wow… John?”

His father didn’t answer. Instead, he pushed past the boys and made his way to the study. Pattie rolled her eyes and chased after her husband.

“Told you so,” Eddie said.

“Not the time, Munson. Mom, dad?” Steve called.

“What?” Pattie sighed.

“We just… we thought you guys would be happy. You know… grandkids, yay…”

“Steven, we put up with this whole charade you made us put on for your girlfriend–“

“Whoa–“

“I am not done speaking, Steven. You make us relearn a name, address her by some ridiculous new pronouns. We can accept the two of you getting married, since legally we can’t stop you. But having a child? No, absolutely not. You two as parents? Please. It’s an unfit household.”

“How, dad? Hmm? How are we unfit to be parents?”

“A child needs a mom and a dad. Not a dad and a fucking tranny.”

“Yeah, because a mom and a dad did me so fucking well. We’re done here. Let’s go.”

Steve grabbed onto Eddie’s wrist and practically dragged him out of the house. He opened Eddie’s door for him and shut it once he was fully in the car. Even when he was heated beyond belief, he always took the time to treat Eddie the way he deserved. Especially now that they had a child on the way, he always found a reason to calm himself down.

Without realizing, Steve was driving with his mind on autopilot. Despite not being scheduled to work that day, he found himself pulling into the Family Video lot. When it clicked, he blinked aimlessly a few times and profusely apologized to Eddie.

“No, no, it’s okay, honey. Let’s get a movie or something while we’re here and say hi to Robin.”

“Yeah, okay…”

“We don’t have to tell her yet if you don’t want.”

“No, no I do. Sorry, my parents put me in a bad mood.”

“I know, it’s okay.”

Steve got out, rushing over to get Eddie’s door for him. He helped him out and the two stood outside the door, trying to silently reassure each other before heading inside. As Eddie reached for the door, Steve grabbed his waist and pulled him in for a sweet kiss.

The two caught Robin’s eye as she was processing some returns. She raised a brow and leaned over the counter, waiting for the two to walk in. They mumbled something incoherent to each other before Steve opened the door for Eddie.

“Long time, no see, boys. How’re we doing today?”

“Good,” Eddie smiled. “How’re you, Rob?”

“I’m good,” she said, glancing over at Steve. “Are you hiding something from me, Harrington? You’re usually talking my ear off.”

“Can we talk in the back, Rob?”

“Sure… everything okay?”

“Yeah, just come on.”

The friends dipped into the cramped back room as Eddie wandered around looking for a movie for the night. Robin leaned against the door as Steve hopped onto the desk with a huff.

“What’s really going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“Something’s up. What’s going on?”

“Sorry, we just got back from my parents’ house.”

“Ah. Any reason you were there?”

“Do I need a reason to visit my parents?” Robin raised a brow and crossed her arms. “Yeah, okay, you got me there.” Steve buried his face in his hands. “Eddie’s pregnant…”

“Holy shit, what? How?”

“We weren’t careful and uh… yeah. He’s pregnant. Just about two months, now.”

“Wow… so, you’re gonna be a dad?”

“I know…”

“What the hell‽”

“I know!”

“Jesus… how does Eddie feel about the whole thing?”

“He’s nervous, understandably. I’m more nervous for his mental state, y’know?”

“Why?”

“Rob, he’s worked so hard getting where he is. He’s come out to me, to everyone we know, dealt with the backlash, went through the agony of top surgery, and now… after all that… he’s pregnant… it’s like two steps forward and three steps back. I feel terrible.”

“Steve, he loves you and I’m sure he’s happy to do this for you. If he weren’t, I’m sure he’d bring up the idea of getting rid of it. I think he’ll be okay.”

“I just worry.”

“And you have every right to worry! It just means you’re a good boyfriend.”

“Fiancé,” he corrected.

“Jesus, Harrington, I don’t see you for a week and you come in here saying you’re gonna be a dad and a husband!”

“I know, crazy, huh?”

“Where does all the time go, Christ…”

“What do you mean?” Steve chuckled.

“Steve, three years ago, when we met at Scoops, you and Ed had only been dating for like six or seven months. Both unsure what you’d be doing with each of your futures. Now here you are, nearly college graduates, engaged, and future dads. It’s insane!”

“Yeah, I guess it is…”

“I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, Rob. That means a lot.”

“Of course, dingus. I’ll always be happy for you.”

“Thanks,” Steve chortled. “I should go check on the husband. Lord knows what he’s getting into.”

“Probably ruining all my hard work from this morning,” Robin teased.

“I wouldn’t put it past him.”

As if I’m cue, as the friends emerged from the back room, Eddie had tripped over one of the displays Robin had spent all morning setting up. She pinched the bridge of her nose, motioning for Steve to collect his man.

“Sorry,” Eddie started. “Pregnancy brain is already getting to me.”

“I figured. Congrats, by the way.”

“Thanks, Robin…” Eddie blushed as Steve helped him up. “Uh, Stevie, how do you feel about a horror movie?”

“Depends which one.”

“Nightmare on Elm?”

“Ed, we’ve watched that a million times.”

“Yeah, your point?”

“God, I hate you. Fine, we’ll rent it again, but I’m getting something too.”

“Fine by me. I’ll be right back,” he said, setting the tape down on the counter.

“Where’re you running off to?” Steve asked.

“If you must know, Steven, I feel like I’m about to puke my guts out. Happy?”

“Dear lord. Call me if you need anything.” Eddie gave him a thumbs up as he headed to the Staff Only bathroom.

“So, what’re you gonna make him sit through?” Robin asked.

“A birthing video. He wants horror, I’ll give him horror.”

“You sure that’s a good idea?”

“Why not? We both need to be prepared.”

“If you say so.”

Later that night, after the boys had dinner and finished watching Nightmare on Elm Street, Steve surprised Eddie with the birthing video. At first, Eddie was reluctant to watch it, especially so soon, but he eventually caved and let Steve pop the tape in.

The tape started out as rather informational, going through the different stages of labor and what to expect in each. What neither of them were anticipating, was it cutting to a woman actually pushing a child out of her.

“Can result in a severe hemorrhage, which could lead to death in minutes,” the narrator droned.

Eddie and Steve sat back on the couch, clutching their thighs to their chests, mouths hanging open with eyes popped out of the skulls.

“Steven, why did you make me watch that‽”

“I don’t know!”

“Was that meant to be comforting‽”

“I don’t know!”

“Oh my god, a human is going to be coming out of me!” Eddie panicked. “This is all your fault, Harrington!”

“What is‽”

“First knocking me up, then showing me that video!”

“I’m sorry!”

“Ugh!” Eddie fell back on the couch, dragging a blanket with him. He cocooned himself in the couch’s throw, only allowing his eyes to pop out. “This kid better be worth it.”

“She will be.”

“I hate you, Harrington.”

“I know you do, Munson…” Steve sighed as he rubbed his fiancé’s back. “I know you do…”

#eddie munson #eddie st4 #eddie stranger things #gay #st4 #steddie #steve harrington #steve x eddie #stranger things #lgbtq #pride #lgbt pride #trans eddie munson #transgender #parent steddie #joseph quinn #joe kerry #robin buckley #maya hawke

[boypussydilf]

FaC Miniseries really be out here saying, "Simon, you might be a suicidal man who would give his own life and brain for a pair of strangers that resemble a part of the traumatic past that ruined your life, but consider: you were selfish in your past relationship because you didn't consider your girlfriend enough and now that she sacrificed herself to become God for you you aren't allowed to die because that would make her sacrifice be in vain. You have to continue living in a world that you no longer relate to with people who will continue to deadname you and bring up your traumatic past for funzies and you aren't even allowed to reconciliate with your daughter or other closest friends because they have a happy life without you bumming them out with your depression and we wouldn't want you to burden them with your feelings of uselessness and crippling lack of self worth now would we? Now go hang out with a literal child you 59+ year old man, you have therapy in an hour."

hey i wanna point out that cripple is like. a slur a lot of ppl still use it in this kind of context w/o thinking but u can just say like, debilitating instead theres not any reason to use it

ik its just like habit tho bc its still kinda common so to respond to the ask ,

KSBDJWBDJWBJDBWJDNWJDBWJDBWJDBWJDBWJDBWJSHHSB

They just could NOT be assed to resolve or address any of his emotional issues huh!!!!!!!! Yeah Simon, we know you think you suck, and you are suicidally depressed, and you are traumatized from both living through the apocalypse and spending a thousand years trapped under a curse, and the world changed without you so you now feel fundamentally out of place, can’t relate to people around you, and none of your skills are applicable anymore, and you are being crushed under the guilt of the love of your life making an unfathomably giant sacrifice to save you, and you wanted to see her again and apologize for not being able to bring her back so so badly that you were willing to kidnap a guy and keep him in a cage in your house for it, and you feel absolutely no sense of purpose in your life and have nothing to do anymore, but like, we have a really really great idea for how we’re gonna deal with that: we WON’T! We just Won’t Address It. You get to mention how you were willing to basically die because you felt like your life was worthless ONE time, and it will be after you regain the will to LIVE because you… got… told that you fucked everything up with your fiancé because you were apparently super selfish on accident? Now you’re just gonna go back home and be happy now. No yeah nothing changed in either your life or your mental state but we have to pretend it did because the story is over now. Your happy ending montage will casually feature you happily drinking at the bar. Don’t think about episode 4. Oh huh what’s that? What about your daughter figure who you felt you weren’t important to and would just be burdening and worrying with your difficult emotions, which seemed to be leading to you choosing to have a genuine and honest talk with her in the end? No she doesn’t even get mentioned, let alone show up on screen. Also Betty may or may not be dead. Yeah now that she cured your depression by telling you you fucked up she’s moving on with her life or something by which we may or may not mean reincarnating. Yeah we might have fridged her. Happy ending for everyone!

the therapy scene hits a special nerve like good for him but oh my god. i cant actually think of any other examples, but i feel like ive seen too many things decide that the way to portray healing as a difficult nonlinear thing is to. directly state “This is going to be complicated and hard!” and then not actually show it being complicated or hard now that they’ve acknowledged it. like dude all we actually see in that ending is just him being happy. you really made it seem like he is just Fine now. guys. guys what happened to his everything

#fionna and cake spoilers #basilask

[kidkubrick]

being trans at hhm would be so chaotic but in a good way bc like.

like the firm's definitely partnered with a notoriously conservative company before, but then also definitely been hired by a super super liberal company as well, so you dont know how theyre gonna react, but howard is like,,,,so supportive it's almost funny?

like. i dont wanna generalize obviously but it's always kind of a spooky thing to come out as trans specifically in a corporate environment, but u tell howard "im trans", "im nonbinary", or "im genderqueer" and that man is ready to support u. ive said this before but i'll say it again. like.0

bonus points if u dont even rlly know him like ur just an intern who needs a new name tag.

but also like. thinking abt the HHM dresscode and how howard would be like "i can recommend some good tailors" for like a suit or a skirt or whatever you're now going to wear.

howard doesnt care as long as it's professional and blue.

oh my god what if that man bought custom trans pins but the blue stripe is hamlindigo blue dont fucking tell me that wouldnt be something he would do.

maybe you havent legally changed your name yet so it shows up at your deadname on schedules and payrolls and stuff- howard always always always crosses it out and writes down your preferred name.

i could totally see him adding a little pronoun thing to his email, like a little signature that says like "howard hamlin, senior partner of HHM, he/him".

im a little bitch with daddy issues (sorry) and i think it would be nice if he went with u if you have to go to other partners to tell them, he's standing behind you like 🙎🏻‍♂️making sure no one gives you shit.

if ur in a meeting, ur voice cracks or makes a funny sound, immediately panicking, howards there like "no ur good keep going!!!".

the only time that man is ever picky about anything is if you follow the "mens dress code", and start to wear a tie and he pulls you aside and he's like "technically the proper tie to wear here at HHM is one with a Windsor knot, not a simple knot" and so ur like "i am so sorry- uh- i don't know how to-" that man is IMMEDIATELY taking you out for lunch on his lunch break and teaching you how to tie a nice windsor knot you can tear that from my cold dead hands.

also??? he's a king with pronouns. just like "he- excuse me- she filed all her paperwork today" like man just keeps on trucking. doesn't make a scene abt it or anything.

checks in every few weeks at the beginning of your transition (if that's something ur choosing to pursue) to make sure everyone's treating you alright and fairly, making sure you're comfortable and everything. like he's just super fucking chill and i love him

#howard hamlin #howard hamlin headcanon #better call saul

[andiv3r]

So. I need to make a whole post about lots of things but I've decided that dermatillomania is one of them. Cw for blood and lots of skin-picking stuff below.

Story time. I remember in eighth grade, my religion teacher pulled me out into the halls to talk to me, and my first thought was, "Oh shit, another one," because the previous religion teacher had put me through hell and back for being queer (which was information I had not even shared with her). I braced to have an awkward conversation about my love life and gender identity for the second time in two years. Instead, she pointed at my arm.

"What's that?" She asked. I glanced down at my arms, covered in scabs, red and radiating heat from where I'd been picking for hours. "Your skin, I mean. Why is it... like that?"

Oh. Right. She was new. She didn't know.

"Genetic skin condition." I replied. "It's not really that bad on its own, but I pick at it whenever I'm nervous or upset or sad or bored or... just kind of whenever." She opened her mouth and I interrupted before she could say it. "I've tried to stop, and I've tried wearing long sleeves, and I've tried medicine, and I keep my nails short, but it doesn't help, so... yeah. Don't worry about it. It's not contagious or anything, it's genetic."

Her face scrunched into a frown, but she didn't say anything else and told me to return to my English class. I did.

Later that day, I had to go to Science class. The worst of them, at least in terms of places I picked at my arms. The teacher was nice enough, but I fucking hated science as a class. So, while everyone else was taking notes, I ran my hand along my arms. They were warm. Wet in some places, from the blood that had pooled around some bumps. But most of all, they were so... bumpy. So easy to just... pinch. Squeeze. Scratch.

I walked out of Science class that day with my left arm covered in bloody spots. Shit. My mom was gonna kill me.

No.

Don't think about her.

Don't do it, or else you'll get nervous, and when you get nervous you-

Too late. The fingers that had been rhythmically tapping my desk in Pre-Algebra were now tracing my jawline, searching for...

Ah. There.

Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch. Move my fingers up a bit to my cheek. Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch. Move. Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch. Move. Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch. Move, pinch, squeeze, scratch, move, pinch, squeeze, sc-

"[deadname], your face is bleeding!" I jerked my hands away from my face and stared down at my fingers, their tips stained crimson. So it was.

"Ah. Yeah. D'you have a kleenex?" I replied to the alarmed blond beside me.

"Uh... yeah." He passed one over with a frown. He knew about my skin-picking, so I'm not sure why he was so surprised. Maybe it was the blood. I licked my fingers, wetting them so that the blood would come off. It didn't.

The bell rang.

I swung my backpack onto my back and felt the fabric rub against my raw and open skin.

Well that fucking hurts, but I did it to myself, so I ignored it. I could've just stopped picking, as my mother so often reminded me. I should've just stopped.

I mean, it's not like I had some mental condition I didn't know about that was fueling this, right?

When my mom picked me up from after hours that day, both of my arms were red, both from blood and inflammation. Scabs littered every place in my skin that I could reach. The first thing she did was pull up my sleeve and her frown turned into a scowl.

"Really, [deadname]? Seriously? After all I told you about how that's horrible for your skin? Do you want to be so ugly no boy will want to date you?"

That did sound pleasant, actually, but I didn't need to tell her that. Besides, that wasn't why I was doing it. To be honest, there wasn't really a why. I didn't even realize I was doing it, usually, until I had. I zoned out as she ranted about how I'd never be able to wear a swimsuit, I would have permanent scars, and as I did, my left hand trailed up my arm, grazing the warm, itchy, painful bumps.

Pinch. Squeeze. Scratch.

#dermatillomania #keratosis pilaris #andiv3r rambles #yeah sorry guys #had to get this one out there #cw blood #tw blood

[goremet-chef]

guhh im so bothered rnn (vent/rant)

so... i? idk. ive been out as trans in my house since 2020. my mom doesnt call me dom (sometimes she does if my sibling encourages her to, but she defaults back to my deadname anyways) and ive learned to accept it. i dont think she ever will and its sad for me, the reality that once i start my transition, ill need to just.. leave a lot of my family behind. they think its some rebellious choice like i hate all of them but im more worried about them hating me

my mom says shes supportive but is actively right wing, shes having an inner battle with her ideologies, i know that. i can tell by how she talks about homeless people vs how she talks about us being queer

so. whatever. thats my mom i guess. but for a long time, i wasnt out to my moms husband. i despise him and ive never intentionally started a conversation with him, let alone come out. ive started to not care about what he thinks. i know what he thinks, he thinks gays should die, said it straight to my gay siblings face. okay, cool. doesnt concern me, moms bf is absolutely fucking nothing to me.

to remedy this sort of like... we didnt wanna DEAL with what he might say if he heard both my siblings calling me dom, cuz both of them do, so whenever theyre around they would just refer to my deadname, but i saw it made them cringe, so now everyone calls me 'that one child'

that one, other one, etc etc

no one even calls me my name anymore

it makes me feel so hopeless. ive EXPRESSED it makes me upset but my younger sibling doesnt care (the one most guilty of it), because they dont understand why it upsets me, i guess thats enough reason to keep going

its so dehumanizing to be reduced to actually nothing. i ALREADY have heaps and heaps and HEAPS of identity issues. sometimes it gets so bad i start having crazy ass delusions, sometimes im not even present and its a different part of my mind in my body

its hard enough as is!!! now my family wont call me anything at all

it makes me feel less bad about leaving, but i dont think ill ever leave at this rate

need to start T, change my name, get a job, all in that order. starting T seems impossible at this rate. i.. dont know what to do. i cant keep LIVING like this, because im not living at all

i never leave my house because im too ashamed in how i look, i cant BEAR the thought of anyone else perceiving me as female, i cant fucking do it!!! im so tired. my house is like a prison for me, genuinely.

and my family dont get it, obviously. they think its my choice, im some kind of hermit who doesnt care about being outside because i have internet. they are so fucking wrong. i miss going out, i miss being around people, i miss existing like everyone else, but i just cant do it man. not like this

so it becomes a waiting game, when am i gonna bring up starting it? how do i even move forward once i do? what if she says no? id have to do it on my own but i cant.. i cant even order things for myself without freezing like shutting up will get me out of there, i cant fucking do it

she doesnt even know!! we were in the car together and she was like yknow theres people who cant even make a doctors appointment. what losers.

IM losers, would she have said that if she knew? does she know and decided to say it anyways? i dont know, but its just.. everything seems so hopeless at this point. i want to just give up, accept im not gonna be who i truly am, but man i cant stand being any more miserable

it makes me wanna cry, the only time i get to feel myself how i think i should be is either if i draw something fictitious, or if i spend hours in the mirror making sure i look masculine, my mustache is convincing, etc. AND FOR WHAT? literally for fucking WHAT, because i dont leave the house anyways!!!!! dolled up like i have somewhere to be, like my appearance will get me what i want, when im stuck at home! i got nothing to prove to them, they think what they think

its fucking dreadful. im so scared of my life passing me by, and here i am wasting away in my bedroom for the last 3 years. no progress, nothing. at first, i was scared about even starting T because theres a higher risk of heart disease, but. i dont fucking care if it KILLS me. i dont care!!! if it kills me i dont fucking care im not living the life i want to live anyways. the risk of death is worth it at this point, i mean that so seriously

idk. im just tired, is all. i wish everyone could perceive me the way i dream they would. only time that happens is online, or when im not with my family at all and instead with my friends. but we only hang out like. once in a blue moon

and yknow what? im not even safe then. i remember we were at my friends house for halloween last year (we always meet up). i had my full leatherface costume one, my face was touched up to make it look like the mask. and still. dressed that way, when my friends mom asked me what my name was, i said dom and she was immediately like. "oh, dominique?" no. my name is fucking DOMINIC.

i didnt say anything besides correcting her, but it was such a blow, man. the only time ill be happy is if im closely monitoring every single thing i do, to make sure i dont appear feminine at all. no matter how i look, now matter how deep my voice is. miserable. why would anyone think that id choose this

#tw transphobia #tw dysphoria #tw queerphobia #tw misgendering

[eshtaresht]

GUYS GUYS I CAN'T KSODKLSOSL!!!1!!1LKDKJ;;S !!!l1JK!::kKD;P SOSKSLSPSODS A;SDOKDLAD I CAN'T EVEN FORM WORDS

spoilers for ep 12 (and a bit for trigun in general) and my overexited ramblings under the cut

you know an episode will be good when where's no opening

so, the twins are meant to be characterized straightforward in every anime adaptation, ig. it's not bad, but the manga twists their personalities 180° and it adds SO MUCH nuance (I'll talk about this at length some day)

tbh I had to pause for laughter when knives was YEETED outta the gate (I have sense of humor of a five year old)

everybody already said everything, but still. OG HAIR COMEBACK OMG AHRAHAAKFJDlahjddjha!!!!!!!! ;!!! ;! and not only hair, but the whole characterization this episode was much closer to trimax vash, and not just sadboy depressive bbg

MERYL/REM PARALLELS LETS GOOOO!!! like, I guessed this would happen, but the visuals, the tension and pure GRATITUDE in vash's voice when he was able to break free from his mental prison... we're eating good

speaking of eating, I CAN'T get over that moment when vash deadass BIT KNIVES. that's peak sibling behavior, he's literally fighting tooth and nail over there

also mashwood is so real tonight!! love love love meryl&nico interactions in stampede, they barely spoke to each other in other versions! and the look of relief on vash's face when he sees nico skedaddling away with meryl!!! he's so glad that they're gonna be okay and that nico made the right choice and came back to help, if briefly. interstingly, he was able to remember everyone, but after the explosion at the end he still lost his memory.

and THE WINGS, DUDE!!!! it gives the finale of trimax, when they both had only one wing left..... still missing feathers, but I love the diversity with knives's, eh... knives, and vash's energy/void or whatever that is, I support it

he's so pathetic even when he looks cool, homeboy had NO control when he used his wing for the first time... cudos for learning new powers on the spot tho

ow ow ow that scene with the military hurt... and he couldn't even save them!

"why are you like that, vash?" "I'm vash the stampede" "IT'S BEEN OVER A CENTURY AND THIS IS THE BEST YOU COULD CAME UP WITH" same here, knives, he's hopeless. I anticipated that moment, but it probably hits even hard for stampede onlys

angel arm!!! tho it's not that angelic now... how are we gonna call it? I take suggestions. rip arm and coat, I feel like we'll actually get a more trimax leaning design next season!

to all the ppl (myself included) who wanted to see vash cry properly... are you happy? ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY??? after the last episode, after all the mental torture knives put him through, vash still doesn't want to hurt him and, just like knives, can't handle the distance between them.......... I am inconsolable. and as much as knives wanted to break vash, it hurts him so much to see those tears irl....... but he just can't stop, because they're both SO FUCKING STUBBORN and it already took to much to get there and he just can't. stop. now.

"nai is dead, you killed him" first of all, *sounds of screaming crying throwing up*. second of all, his name is million knives, vash, stop deadnaming your brother/j

the death scene itself.... oh it's soo good and yummy. I know this mf isn't fully dead and conrad will fix him, but still. he can have a second death of self as a treat

btw, gotta adress my earlier theory about "happy birthday" being metaphorical. no, it is in fact July 21st, and tristamp lasted about two months in universe. still pretty hard for me to believe, it felt five times shorter due to the pacing. but it is what it is: I'm esht and I was wrong, I'm singing the esht wrong song

and just as I thought this would be the end of it, WE GOT A FLASH FORWARD THAT HAD BASICALLY EVERYTHING WE WERE HOPING FOR AND MORE

RAISED BOUNTY! MERYL GIRLBOSSIFICATION!! a hint at insurance society (tho that was more of a threat and she's still a journalist). MILLY CONFIRMATION!!! ERIKS' LACK OF ARM AND AMNESIA!!!! EARTH FLEET AND CHRONICA!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

IT'S GONNA BE GOOD SEASON 2 IS GONNA BE EVEN BETTER I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONE MARROW

#this episode destroyed me #but when it also gave me life and hope in the future of stampede #cause it's not great. it's definitely good but has problems. I'll wait for the entire dub to come out so I can binge it and analyse properl #but the ending is great and I honestly think that the 2nd season could fix things and become better #let 'em cook is what I'm saying #I need to process all of this. might draw something #trigun stampede #trigun #vash the stampede #vash #trigun stampede spoilers #millions knives #trigun spoilers #meryl stryfe #milly thompson #wolfwood

[izzy-b-hands]

On a happier note, I am enjoying having to research baby milestones for the Midwifery Charge AU (fic and nostalgia rambles below the cut)

(which at this point, thanks to the help of a good friend, I've realised is best done as a collection of lil one shots from moments in it. I just. don't have the mental anything nor the organisation to do a multichap full fic rn. Y'all know I lose steam too easily on those and just don't do them as well as I do simple oneshots. I wrote a full original trilogy at age 10 and again at like age 21; I used all my 'full multichap project' juice too early in life AND both trilogies kind of sucked ass. RIP to them may their memory never find me again let alone be a blessing but I digress)

Bc it means I get to remember all the cute shit the cousins did when I was helping raise them and like. certain bits can be used for baby in the fic even!

Like how the oldest one learned to roll over from one direction, but then couldn't replicate it going the other way, and she would just. lose her shit wailing until someone rolled her over that way. Then she was good until oh fuck oh no, she rolled over right to left again and to her lil brain it was too different from rolling left to right, she's stuck forever oh g-oh hey someone rolled her back to her tummy. neat.

We never let her sit for more than a second or two stuck (mostly to try and encourage her to. ya know. Realise that she could in fact roll herself both ways and it would be fine. Took her time but she got there lol) and I'm just

Dying at the image of the crew so carefully taking turns watching Baby (who I'm gonna reveal bc I don't think I have yet? if i have ignore me lol, is named Basilica after Izzy's deadname (he gave her the name, there's an entire Thing abt it and little moments abt his journey as a trans man tucked into this au), going by Baz for short (thank u to the aforementioned good friend for this as a nickname for the full name, bc I was struggling to figure out how to shorten it and Baz is !!! perfect!!!) )

And she's been with them longer than expected. 4-6 months is the average that I've found for when babies learn to roll over, so maybe she's abt 5 months old at this point.

Doing tummy time with Fang and she does it! Right to left rolling over, absolutely perfect, stunning, no notes, they're gonna make her a medal but-

Oh no. She's gotta roll left to right now, and instead of rolling the other way she just panics and weeps and everyone on this ship is a big fuckin softy (i get it lol, I was with the cousins) so they keep rolling her over the other way to calm her.

Until they have a crew meeting and Jim mentions Nana telling them that sometimes, babies have to just. cry for a minute or two and learn how to do the thing. You can help, but first you have to let them try and encourage them to do it on their own. (they gloss over the fact that Jim also makes clear with this anecdote that Nana absolutely would have taught a baby how to throw a knife. And honestly, is she wrong for this? who can say, not me, but I like knives and think a baby with a knife is hilarious, so I'm biased. I'm never gonna have kids, don't worry lmao.)

Cut to everyone having tummy time while the ship is docked/anchored somewhere safeish (let's be real, for the Kraken crew, nowhere is really fully safe with all the raiding they've been doing. But Ed and Izzy and Fang all know the quieter spots other ppl have forgotten that they can rotate going to for moments like this)

In a circle, around Basilica on the blanket Frenchie designed and knit for her, while she whines and cries bc goddamn it, why is rolling the other direction so hard? So scary?

And they're all lowkey trying not to cry (Ed and Izzy the most out of all of them, for varying personal reasons that all ultimately culminate in a want for Basilica to have a better childhood than they did, including the little moments/early achievements like this) while babytalking like mad, trying to encourage her to roll the other way

It's just not happening, but juuuust as Izzy is abt to break and gently roll her over, a cannon booms in the distance

And if that adorable little shit doesn't roll left to right, then again, trying to lift her head up to see where the big noise came from. She's not even crying anymore, she's just curious!

Unfortunately, said cannon is a sign they need to head out, so they have to pick her up and get her settled in Ed's room(really Ed and Izzy's room, by this point. Are they back together in a healthy way? Not really, but they're Aware of their mutual issues and are just barely talking some of them through. or starting that process, at least) for her own safety and now she's crying bc she's so mad! She wanted to keep rolling over! She was literally on a roll, how fucking dare they pluck her off the floor so easily!!

Despite the potential incoming danger of another ship, everyone is giggling as they get the ship moving. I'm envisioning it like. U know when a baby is So Mad So Incensed, they're making those angry babbles that are loud enough to hear a room away? That sound is all they can hear aside from the waves and the far off cannon fire, and it's a mood lightener. Yeah, they might be about to fight for their lives, but listen to her! She's swearing! (I do absolutely have an idea for her first word being 'fuck' thanks to Izzy lmaooo)

And they're all as excited to escape not just for their lives, but so they can lay the blanket out again and have her show off her new skill. A little soft moment in between having to fight to save themselves or raiding for more loot (and baby gear/supplies, my god not a one of them ever thought they'd be threatening ppl for additional cloth diapers but. here they are lol.)

Anyway. Eventually I'm gonna get all the snippets posted up in an ao3 collection, including the few I've already posted here. When I get that started I'll drop a link, in the meantime I'm gonna see if I can get my brain to actually finish another oneshot for this au today lmao

#text post #long post #adding that tag to b safe bc i scrolled but have no concept of if this is too long or not so it probably is #i also need to start writing the sadder bits of this au that happen away from basilica/when she isn't in the room #maybe i should dip into those for today idk idk #i could also tackle the draft i have that starts with Izzy having his morning coffee and a convo with her #aka she babbles wildly and he nods and asks questions completely seriously #'i can see your point but do you really think you can keep a crew under control that way?' '*incomprehensible babbles*' #'of course that's your methodology I shouldn't question you.' and he sips his coffee and giggles while also lowkey hoping #that she won't wind up ever having to manage a crew. or if she does may she be many years older and able to keep herself safe #bc Izzy's fear then is that he and ed and everyone might already be dead and gone and yes she'll be an adult but. he worries anyway #i should be writing instead of tagging all this brain baby cmon and let me actually write today i am BEGGING

[eruscreaminginthedistance]

Book recs based on stuff I read in 2023

Nonfiction

Under the Banner of Heaven by John Krakauer (2003) - it's outdated by about 20 years which leads to one hell of a jumpscare at the end, but I'd recommend it to anyone who's interested at all in Mormonism, high control groups, FLDS, and the history of abuse against women and girls in the LDS; it covers everything you need to know about the ways the LDS church has cultivated a paedophile/domestic abuse culture and it's fucking haunting and it's the most upset a book has ever made me

Black Tudors: The Untold Story by Miranda Kaufman (2017) - a really fun read; it's a collection of case studies of the real life Africans living or working in England during the Renaissance, with each chapter focusing on a different individual and what we know about them from parish records, legal documents etc. It's also a great primer on England's relationship with the slave trade and African nations from the 16th to 17th centuries. Also I listened to this on audiobook and the lady's voice is super soothing

Problematic gay rep

Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin (1956) - yeah okay turns out Baldwin is the GOAT of queer lit for a reason. I don't even like 20th century stuff but Baldwin can WRITE man I was sucked in! And David is the BLUEPRINT of problematic gay rep! I loved watching his awful decisions I hope he suffers eternally! It's a short and easy read and a classic for a reason do give it a chance

Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z Brite/William Martin (1996) - I'm not sure if I'm deadnaming Martin here because I bought the book earlier this year and it was still being attributed to Poppy Z Brite so I guess it's being treated like an author pseudonym now? I think? Anyway, don't read this book unless you're a disgusting freak like me who enjoys torture porn. This book comes with every content warning under the sun and I had an AMAZING couple of afternoons reading this book. American Psycho, Jeffrey Dahmer and NBC Hannibal had a baby and Martin delivered it; it's a raw, twisted and angry scream into the void about AIDS, homeless queer youth, homophobia and cultural stigma, wrapped up in a bow made of intestines. I went into this book hoping to see people get tortured and came out of it quite melancholic with a lot to think about, and I accidentally got attached to the victim oops!

The Charioteer by Mary Renault (1953) - I was gonna make a non-problematic section just for this book but then I remembered all the rampant femmephobia xD and Ralph and Laurie would 100% be bootlicking gays against pride. This book personally isn't for me - it's a lot of love triangle nonsense - but I think the tumblr demographic is particularly primed for gay World War II love triangle stories, and it's a softer, happier love story than my other recs. Would recommend if you can get past the main characters being pick mes.

Manga

No Longer Human by Junji Ito (2019) - this is a story about being a bad person and ruining everyone's lives especially your own lol; I loved the original prose version, but Ito's spin of the story makes everything so much worse and if I hadn't literally read a book about irl paedophilia the month before I think this book would have put me in the angriest and most violent place I've been all year. Love gorgeous art? Love mental illness? Love despicable spineless main characters? Get on this

Other fiction

The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco (1980) - it took me a month to read this entire book. It's so self-indulgent and long winded and contrived and the big twist is laughable and I wouldn't have it any other way! It's just some old guy playing in his sand box with his little monk action figures and it's charming af. Plus the concept of a monastic murder mystery involving several orders of monks will never not be fun, and I'm biased towards the book cos my guess at the very start as to whodunnit was right >:) would recommend if you like Sherlock Holmes and long long diatribes about medieval Catholic geopolitics

Garth Marenghi's Terrortome by Garth Marenghi (2022) - this one's just a bit of a laff. The horror comedy ramblings of a man going stir crazy during COVID lockdowns. You don't need to have seen Garth Marenghi's Darkplace to understand the book but it is recommended if you can access it. Content warning for explicit man x typewriter

We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson (1962) - it's a modern day (relatively) witch story! Jackson was writing about and for all the weird autistic little girls out there with this one. It's a gothic murder mystery about two co-dependent sisters who are outcasts in their village. It was a great introduction to Jackson's work

#i've still got two more books to read before 2023 ends but I don't think they're gonna make the list so it's fine lol #books #reading #my reading #literature #bookblr #reading wrap up #book recommendations #book reccs

[loulucifer]

someone who loves you wouldn't do this

Lucky and Felix have a talk Quinn makes things worse Have I mentioned Lucky is trans? CW: Transphobia and deadnaming

The game against the Islanders was bad. Lucky couldn’t hit his stride, continuously missing his mark, part of that was the text he received prior to the game.

            “I know you’re in New York, let’s talk. – Felix.” Eight years. It had been eight years since Lucky had last spoken to Felix. It had been eight years since Felix said that he never wanted to see Lucky again and Lucky had agreed. In the third period he got benched. He wasn’t playing right. He didn’t press, he knew he fucked up. Tito patted his shoulder as he watched, both were having a bad night, Beau with Barz, while the whole team grappled with the other Bo. It wasn’t anyone’s night. The game ended in a 4-1 loss. When they got off the ice Lucky checked his phone seeing a text from Felix,

            “I’m outside, let me know when you’re out.”

            “On my way.”

Lucky was out quickly, avoiding everyone, including Tocchet’s lecture about working together and mindset. He changed into sweats and a sweatshirt heading out back, hoping no one saw where he was going.

            Felix was where he said he’d be. He looked so different than how Lucky had remembered. Eight years, he reminded himself. His blonde hair was styled neatly, cleanly shaven, face framed by square glasses. Maybe it would be different.  

            “Felix, it’s good to see you. It’s been so long.” He smiles nicely.

            “What have you got them calling you now? Luka?” The venom in his tone. Suddenly Lucky was 13 again, as it all came crashing back. The last fight, he hadn’t changed.

            “What do you want, what is this about?”

            “I had been seeing all this news about you, I wanted to see if it was real, you got them all fooled.”

            “So, you just called me out here to berate me about something we settled eight years ago?”

            “Partially. You’re breaking our father’s heart. I’m doing this for him.”

            “Great. I haven’t spoken to dad in years. I don’t care.”

            “You’re delusional. How do you see this working?”

            “I’ve been playing in the NHL since I was nineteen, what do you mean?”

            “They’re gonna see that you’re lying eventually.”

            “And that will be my fallout. Not yours.”

            “The media is gonna catch wind and you’re going to embarrass us all. You aren’t the only Dupont with a reputation.” Lucky inhaled, wanting to go off let the anger pour out. There was no getting across to Felix.

            “Felix, I’m not going to play into this. Leave me alone.”

            “Think about Bria.”

            “Bria is fine. She’s the only family member who seemingly cares enough about me. She is fine. If you loved me like you said, you wouldn't do shit like this. You wouldn't leave for eight years, you wouldn't look at me like that."

            “Charlotte.” Lucky’s vision goes red. No. no. no.

            “Get the fuck out of here.” He snaps. “Leave or I’m calling security.”

            “Char-“

            “NOW.” Lucky yells voice cracking, he never raises his voice.

Felix goes to protest, eyes drifting to something behind Lucky.

            “Well, I see where you stand.” With that he turns on his heel, and heads out. Lucky doesn’t realize he’s crying.

“Luka, what was that about.” no No NO. He turns to see none other than Quinn Hughes behind him.

            “Why did you run off like that. I know you’re not used to being a team player, but you can’t just run off when you were part of the problem. That’s not how this works.” He seems to have forgotten what he walked in on. He sniffs wiping the tears.

            “I know. I just. I had a personal matter.” He manages.

            “Personal shit can’t matter, you need to put the team first. You can’t pull stunts like this.” Lucky just nods.

            “I… Yeah.”

            “Are you not gonna even try and defend yourself?” Quinn’s words slow, taken aback by Lucky’s response.

            “I know you don’t see yourself as a part of this team, but you’re not the only person this affects.”

Those words again. Fuck. FUCK. The tears start again immediately.

            “Quinn please. I get it. Have I not been through enough of this.” He chokes out.

            “Luka…” It’s not understanding. It’s pity on his tongue.

            “I get it. I get it. I don’t know what you all want from me.” This isn’t even just about the team, it’s about everything, everything Quinn is saying everything Felix said. He just sobs curling in on himself. Taking every ounce of strength to stay standing.

            “Luka, I didn’t… What’s going on? Who was that.”

            “That was my brother, Felix. The one I was… am… no contact with.”

            “Why was he here?”

            “He texted me before the game, told me we should talk. We did. I’m remembering why we’re no contact.” He’s choking on his words, tearing at the seams as he relives the way Felix speaks to him.

            “Luka...” His voice softens. Quinn pauses for a moment, he wouldn’t understand, Lucky thinks. Quinn has a good relationship with his family, he’s close with his brothers, they don’t accuse him of being a liability. Before he can say more, he hears Tito.

            “Huggy, did you…” Luka looks up to see Tito and Studs. “Oh bud…”

            “Q, did you do this?” Studs ask, almost in disbelief.

            “No, no, he didn’t.” Lucky says, “Sorry, sorry, I just, my brother came to talk with me. Bad meeting. Uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to just run out. I knew I had to see him. It’s… I’m sorry.” He tries to hold his sentences together.

            “Oh… Oh Lucky.” Tito knows, Lucky has told him about Felix. Not the extent of it all. Enough though. Studs knows some as well.

            “We’ll tell Tocchet. It’s okay bud.” Studs says gently. Tito gives a look at Quinn. He knows he fucked up. Lucky gives him a nod and they head back into the arena. Leaving Quinn alone in the cold night air. Maybe he should reflect on this. Maybe he needs to ease up. Maybe.

#lucky tag #nhl fanfiction #hrpf #hockey rpf #hockey fanfiction #hockey oc

[knownbyanothername]

there really is like..... an epidemic of older 'qerky' white women abusing younger afabs and telling them it's part of feminism to let them be abused

(putting this under a read more bc of abuse mentions and some slightly more... i guess it turned into a vent? but more in the sense that i started thinking about things. tell me if more warnings r needed)

and to clarify (I'm gonna put that I'm also white and afab so everyone knows where i stand) I'm also well aware that people like this also tend to be horribly transphobic towards transfemmes. and the reason why i say white women is because it's....usually 'cis white woman who thinks by pure virtue as a woman they can like do anything and get away w it because they refuse to acknowledge their own privilege'

but the reason i bring that all up is bc i just remember this... weird as fuck writing professor i had that was basically 'quirky white woman' and was just on purpose extremely bizzare and abrasive because when asked she was 'being the professor she wishes she had' when in reality from my end it made it difficult to go to class and at worst made me absolutely terrified of her

i think of both publishing professors i had who acted as if all writers were dumb babies who needed ~o great publishers~ to make sure they didn't publish anything STUPID or UNMARKETABLE

i think of the business 101 professor i had who put all of us under extraneous circumstances and then justified it with 'well i had to meet my group at 3am so you can too' and acted as if she did some great job of shaping me up when in reality that single class burnt me out so bad it affected my whole college career and just taught me 'no matter how hard you work or how much you cry or beg for help, no one will care or see it so don't try that hard it's not worth it'

i think of the fact that even in college the worst isolation I've felt is from other women

i think about the women's space i emailed asking for an interview for a class project who couldn't even be assed to get my (essentially now deadname) correct when responding to me and talked down to me implying i was wasting their time. i never entered that 'women's space' once during my entire college career, both mortified and realizing i wasn't welcome

no one took the abuse i had suffered seriously because it was from a 'poor old lady' who i was expected to just support like a martyr until she died or i did something to myself. i was taught not to exist.

i think about the fact that every women who i confided in about my abuse in my hometown excused it in some way or another

i think about the fact that it's been mostly other women who essentially defined me as a 'failed girl', even my own parent, and bared me from traditional feminine things that i now finally feel like i can enjoy. it's a miracle i even got an autism diagnosis considering the (female) person i spoke to advised i 'likely don't have adhd' because of the fact i masked and had so many systems, essentially. i was ignored because i wasn't fun quirky, i was 'we're going to act as if you're a failure of an adult but no one will reach out to show you how to do anything'. the response i got from every group i interacted with, implicitly, (of women) was just 'get away from me you fucking freak' without saying that.

all the worst abuse I've suffered, in one way or another, has been from another afab. repeatedly, a circle of time that contorted me to other people.

i think about the fact that i fucking hate most lesbian circles because of how violatile they are, desperate to find the 'imposter' among them, that they make being an asshole their main personality trait.

so when i look at colleen i look at someone i know that at one point my college could have defended. i see one of my many FEMALE professors who decided 'quirky' equated to 'funny emotional abuse'. older women who I've seen repeatedly decide 'i can scold you for not being an adult to my standards but as the matriach I've earned the right to act like a child'

it's a miracle i graduated. well i did, but at the cost of any personhood of mine.

#pichu barks #vent #abuse #abuse mentions #<- for tag filters

[fuckthisshitimin]

Something nice that happened to me!

So on Friday we did a presentation with my class, the scenes we've been working on for the last months. The school printed some posters - and well, I changed my name with the front desk and my teachers but never did so with the administration because it's only ever used in private emails that I'll be the only one to see so I don't really care.

But the posters, they were printed by the administration, so my deadname was there, plastered on the front door and I flipped when I saw it. No one else had read it or noticed, because honestly we had other shit to do, so lucky me, and I just. I tried to calm down and I saw that wasn't gonna work nicely. And I thought fuck it. Fuck it, I'm scared and shocked and there's nobody here who isn't on my side so I'll process this as I can, and I asked for help with making a sticker with my name to put over the deadname, and I got all the help I needed and I told them 'hey I'm feeling like shit so my top priority right now is calming down', not even in so many words, and they made arrangements and helped me so I could get a ten minutes break to go for a smoke before I needed to be on stage for dress rehearsal. Passing by the front desk, first I tried to say something and realized I was just gonna scream so I gave up. I calmed down a bit. Walking by the front desk again I explained tersely, and the guy was sorry for me and offered to take care of it for me right now and I said I didn't have the time and would do it later myself, he already had a phone in hand, but I insisted I'd do it, so he apologized on the admin's behalf saying it sucked and I went back to work. Two minutes later I was on stage screaming and it was nice. And when I came out of stage a friend took me by the hand and showed me the poster. Reprinted with the correct name. And everyone was with me, ready to be helpful or supportive or angry on my behalf, whatever was needed, and like.

I'm quite a sensitive person. I'm the bitch that gets anxious, panic attacks over the place, tearing up and all that, and I used to hate being the one that has to be taken care of. But I take care of people, too, and now that I am better in general, it's good to have an awful moment and realize 'yeah this bad emotion is strong and it's not gonna disappear if i just hide it and other people will see it anyway and they care so i can just let the emotion rage and pass and trust them to react sanely'.

And the other day, the girl that had the poster reprinted, she's really more used to taking care of people than she is used to be taken care of. It breaks my heart at times, and I do my best (as a lot of us do) to offer support whenever we can. Well some awful shit happened to her and she flipped. I had never seen her cry at all, let alone like that. Upset and hurt and we were with her through it, and she kept saying we could go do better stuff. And apologizing for taking our time, or for letting her venom out to process her anger. And when later that day we talked again she thanked me for being there and said she felt stupid - she said she was going to text our friend and apologize for taking so much of his time when he comforted her. I said we all chose to be with her because that's what friends do, and we'd rather she's not alone to deal with that. I said that texting our friend was a good idea but that if she felt she was glad we were here, saying thanks would be much better than apologizing. We're happy to know we can make things less shit. And she looked surprised and relaxed by this, she heard it, and I was so glad.

Like how happy she was showing me that new poster. How patient friends are to let me swear and throw hands and fail rolling my fucking cigarette and just tag along with things.

You know, it's something I've lived by for a long time. I know I used to apologize all the time, for everything, and we know it's a bad habit, we know it puts us down, makes us feel like we're inconveniences and not people. But it's hard to lose it - and when we are bothersome, what else can we say really? When we feel we drag our friends down with us? And saying Thank you is really worth it. If you're about to say Sorry to a friend, by reflex, wonder if you could say thanks instead.

And it works even if you do feel sorry. Another thing: I'm sorry is about you, thank you is about them. If you have done nothing wrong to them, them knowing you feel sorry about it will not make them feel any better. On the other hand, if their bearing whatever they tried to shoulder with you made you feel even a tiny bit better, them knowing it will make them feel good.

So yeah. I'm just rambling, but it made me feel better, all this. All the bad emotions and the good ones that grow from them, surprisingly. It's long, unlearning to feel bad about feeling bad, but it is so rewarding. It's all worth it.

#[meaningless statement] #bloodposting

[becaexists]

Gonna vent for just a second because I literally have no one to talk to about this so y'know turning to the internet as one does

All over my social medias like Twitter and tiktok (I know they're bad but sometimes they're designed to trap you) everyone is talking about Brianna Ghey, the 16 year old trans girl that was murdered on Saturday. She was a year younger than me, I have friends that are the same age, and all I have seen all day because I've been travelling thus had nothing better to do than to stare at my phone, is so much of the same thing, the same kind of posts, just talking about how this sweet young girl was murdered, potentially out of hate for our community but they're "not sure", and it is really fucking getting to me.

I know it sounds selfish as hell to because it sounds like "oh there was a trans girl murdered and I have to complain about seeing it everywhere" but it's not that, it's the things people put in and under the posts about it. So many of the people trying to spread awareness are trying to be reassuring by saying shit like "to trans youths, we stand by you, this should not be happening" but that doesn't help, because I'm terrified out my fucking mind that if I start trying to be myself, I might get fucking murdered too. What's worse is all of the horrible things transphobic people are saying, like "she's a boy", and "she deserves it" and "example of what should happen to all those trans freaks" because those are actual things I've read today.

And it's not just her case specifically, it's the constant despair I feel as a trans person where my right to exist are constantly being questioned by the only government I've ever known. I open twitter and see stories of how trans rights are being stripped back all over the western world, how people were abandoned by family after coming out as trans, about how being trans is so incredibly awful with little silver linings of "at least you're yourself". So I open tiktok to distract myself, where I see more people talking about the same things, about how the people in government hate us so fucking much. This whole corecore thing is important to highlight the awful shit but when that's the only thing you're seeing with maybe a few cat videos and stupid family guy or movie scenes while someone plays with slime makes to split them up it really makes you feel nothing but despair.

I just wanna get away from it all. I want people to stop talking about it but that's not exactly what I want? I want it to have never happened. I want to live in a world where these things don't happen. I want to live in a world where I can leave the house without being terrified of being hatecrimed or murdered for being who I am. I didn't come out as a trans guy until this year even though I knew for ages I wanted to be a guy, I didn't come out because if I came out in high school, my "all girls" high school where I was already severely bullied for being autistic and queer, I would be fucking dead right now, either from being murdered like she was or from suicide, which I was so so so fucking close to doing after some girl publicly berated me for asking one of my teachers to not call me my deadname (I was going for a fem NB approach to my transness at the time and thought that Bee was the start of something much more fitting for me) because she was right, no one would ever see me as anything other than some pretty but unpopular girl trying to somehow both escape the torture of womanhood and make myself more intriguing

If I could choose anything else, I would. I would not be trans. I would be a regular teenage girl who likes parties and stupid roadmen and skipping lesson to smoke and vape. But I'm not. And my mum, my own mother, has said "if you would choose not to be this, why don't you? Why don't you just go back to being my girl?" And I want to. But I need to be a boy to live. If I don't transition, I might just die from all the self hatred of what I have to pretend to be. I just can't do it.

Sorry this was long, I just have many many emotions and if I said this anywhere else I might just be on the receiving end of some of the same stupid shit people are saying about Brianna. I hope she finds peace somewhere where there isn't so much hatred.

#I just want it all to go away #I want to exist #I've ingrained it into as many things as I can so I don't forget it #I am beca #and I exist #personal vent #trans vent #vent post #again sorry for the long post #nowhere else I can say this #parents don't care #brothers are dickheads as most teenage boys are #my friends are all miles away and asleep #so yeah internet #Idk how to tag these things so if you want me to add a tag just message me or ask me or smth idk #don't worry I'm not gonna kms #gotten pretty good at self regulating this shit so I'll be fine in the morning

[goremet-chef]

random little (very long) vent thing lamaoo

my birthday is soon and im like. IDK ive just been incredibly fucked up recently with like. anti trans legislation and general negativity, so ive been trying to keep away from twitter since thats where i see most of it

last year, my mother had me come get my cake with her and to my surprise it said "happy birthday dominic" and i couldve cried, like i was wearing my face mask cuz it helps my dysphoria but holy shit i was smiling so hard

she said dominic when she sang my bday song with my siblings and it made me really happy

she hasnt called me dominic since, and whatever im like. im not really over it but i will say and act like i am because it prevents me from dwelling on unnecessary pain yknow?

i guess recently she's had a change of heart, cuz she told my sibling that she wants to start calling me by dom and that she doesnt want me to hide who i am from her, and i know what she means definitely

ive been very like.. closed off? especially since her bf came back (he fucking sucks i hate him) i just havent spent time with her or anything unless hes gone cuz i definitely dont feel comfortable being myself around him

anyways this is pretty cool all things considered. i have told her before that i knew she wasnt gonna be part of my journey and ive accepted that, and usually i say shit and she just ignores it but maybe she actually heard that and listened

so, dominic is having his 4th bday soon and im happy about that, but like.. we're gonna go do mini golf for my bday which is a surprise! because i mean. if you know me, i dont really like to leave the house, like at all. i guess thats kinda how covid affected me? theres no reason to leave the house anymore so i guess i wont (and i guess it worked cuz i havent gotten it) but it was like. so horrible for my mental health

like i always said "oh, yeah, i dont mind being inside id prefer to not go outside anyways" and thats true but its like. doubled my social anxiety somehow. im normal in public until theres people around me or god forbid interacting with me 💀💀 the way i act when i have to buy my own shit is awful, i get sweaty and i stutter and i shake, i need to take a long breath after it fucking sucks it feels awful. JUST TO LIKE. PUT SOMETHING AT THE CASH REGISTER AND AHVE THEM ASK IF I WANT A REWARDS CARD OR WHATEVER THATS ITTT it sucks

so yeah im surprised i agreed to it, but its glow in the dark minigolf and one thing about me is i love minigolf and i love glow in the dark im gonna have a five nights at freddy moment (which means i gotta wear my shirt like i just gotta) and im sure itll be great fun (pleased about glow in the dark cuz im sure itll be. DARK in there and i dont have to worry so much about people seeing me)

my problem is that im hanging out with my aunt as well and i love my aunt!! everyone on my dads side except for my dad is amazing i love them, but i dont know how she would be yknow? idk if my mom has spilled the tea about it and told her or if theyre gonna just put my deadname on shit this year again like. i dont know

what if it did say dominic? how would my aunt react? its scary to think about, im so scared to LOSE more of my family

i havent even technically lost my moms side, its just that theyre a bunch of racist queerphobic losers and i know if they knew me, they wouldnt want me anymore

yeah im just stressed about it, all this shit is starting to pile up inside of me and i feel like ill explode and jsut say fuck everyone im ME and i dont give a fuck what you think, cuz no, i dont

my immediate family that i live with knows, my grandma knows, thats all that really matters. the only benefits to knowing my great grandparents is they give me money on my birthday, and that might sound hollow or whatever but its true, they fucking suck

just gettin tired of this sht yknow? even now, there is a hostile on the farm!! my moms bf is so homophobic, most likely transphobic too

hes SPECIFICALLY annoying, all the shit i order comes under dominic and hes brought me my things multiple times so he knows, but he'll still say shit like "thats how females are" or "hello girls" and to me its honestly like

its FUNNY because its like the only thing he knows about me is that to him, im a girl SKFJS like genuinely. i dont share anything with him because i fucking hate him, hes the absolute worst. the fact that theyre married and hes my stepdad technically is something i just deny, im never calling that man my dad lol

anyways im thinking about getting a hip binder? i realize thats one of the things im insecure about, is my fat is at my hip and even when i bind it gives me a feminine sort of shape so a hip binder would be great

i realize that i actually dont care so much if im plus size, i just care if my body looks feminine or not

i will absolutely be your fat guy friend with no hesitation okay like that shit? yes im so content for now like that is acceptable, but yknow fat distributes differently so its either baggy ass clothes orr stay inside SKJF

okay im done talking thanks for coming to my ted talk you are safe (for now)