#so thats another 30 fucking bucks out of my pocket to buy them

[snorfbin]

.

#im having audio problems and i dont understand why it has to be a problem on every single fundamental layer #my old headphones broke. the jack is no longer attached to the wire. broken as fuck #got myself some new ones for like 40 bucks. same brand just slightly better quality #but its got more bass than my broken headphones which i really really dont like #these headphones are expensive by my standards and especially around christmas tho #so i try messing around with my laptop first. mostly with the audio drivers to see if can update/roll back #cant do anything with my current driver so i try installing one that i know has a control panel with it #i know this bc it wouldnt stop popping up a couple years ago before i switched back to a default driver #so i go through the process of downloading and installing it but its not installing correctly #seems like its corrupted so i cant use that shit #im not a tech wizard so im out of ideas at that point and decide to spend more money on newer headphones #so i do that and buy the same headphones as the broken ones in hopes that theyd be of the same quality #so thats another 30 fucking bucks out of my pocket to buy them #im testing them out more with bg3 rn today and they still dont fucking sound the same as my broken ones #theyre still too bassy! #so i start looking into how to adjust the bass and get an audio control panel #but literally none of the sliders or functions are really labelled so im basically flying in the dark here #i dont know that much about fine tuning audio asides from the general level of quality that i like #im fucking with all these sliders and buttons and default configurations and nothing is sounding close to right #not even after 2 hours! #at this point im fucking sobbing bc all of this is absolute bullshit to me #also ive got flying insects in my room. idk what exact type they are but theyre smaller than flies and twice as annoying #theyre attracted to my desk light but get blown back by my fan #so i can see them fly in front of my face to reach my light then blow back in front of my face from the wind #killing them doesnt seem to fucking do anything bc theres always more #i dont keep food or eat in my room so i have no fucking clue whats attracting them here #ive been back to fucking around with my audio drivers while ranting here #and it seems like ive finally got shit back to normal now #which just feels like even more bullshit to me considering everything beforehand

[driftwood-degenerate-blog]

I got off the bus in california in the rain peaking on acid that I got kicked down from a serbian mui Thai fighter at the oakland bust terminal before going up the 101 to Humboldt

No job. No housing. Like maybe 50 bucks in my pocket...

It took me like 4 hours to befriend a 50 year old gay millionaire who owns a jewlery store in eureka and he gave me stupid money to do his landscaping and put me on with a few old ladies who buy his jewlery so i was like like 600 cash every 3 or 4 days to mow and edge and shit.

I was in the state for 3 days before I got hired at ccp as a rubber wrapper.

Got drunk and cussed out the jewler for being such a peice of bourgois scum that he was gay and still used the N word and made fun of poor people and promised to invite him outside the next time he disrespected me or the people I chose to help me maintain the properties... Lost all my landscaping work

Boss at ccp comes to me same week and asks if I can weld. I said two days in trade school and a handful of times on a farm in arkansas and he said close enough.

I started tack welding crab pots. Stick on stainless for component and mig on rebar for frames.

I started reading alot of welding and took it seriously. I started fully welding pots when my tacked stack got high enough.

The lead welder quit and I got promoted. I know all I did was make 50 crab traps a day for fishermen and thats not that cool but I was still lead welder in a metal shop and my pots are stamped with a 30 year warrenty so there will be fishermen using my crab pots after I'm dead probably lol.

I got really drunk one Friday after cashing my check. I was long boarding with everything i own in my backpack and my tent and sleeping bag tied to the bag... Drunk skateboarding with an 80 pound pack....on a bridge....tweaker lady on bicycle passing yells so i turn around to answer and didnt see the 3 inch wide crack in the concrete which swallows my skateboard....i bit concrete.. I pushed myself to my knees and blood was pouring out of my mouth, and my forhead. My hand was swollen like a balloon. I was convinced i lost my teeth as i held my mouth open and watched it dump and the tweaker lady sat me down on the side rail and called 911.

I completely woke up when I saw the lights and stood up. I wasnt bleeding and I jumped to my feet and was like "I dont have insurance and i didnt call you i need to leave" so they gave me a concussion check and let me sign refusal of service papers.

The next morning I'm walking and some guy working on a van yells "nice board wanna sell or trade for it?" And I died laughing and ran over like "yes i want to fucking sell it i almost died last night" and i got closer and he saw my face and was like "yoooooooo" and a girl hopped out of the van like "ARE YOU THE 26 YEAR OLD ON THE SOMOA BRIDGE?!?"

"....yes...."

"THEY PRONOUNCED YOU DEAD ON THE POLICE SCANNER MY AUNTIE CRIED FOR LIKE AN HOUR BECAUSE MY COUSINS YOUR AGE AND SKATES AND THAT COULD HA E BEEN HIM"

So they gave me a freezerbag full of trim for my skateboard and said they were gonma tell people a ghost gave it to them.

Get to work Monday and walk past my boss and dont mention it. First break im like 4 lots in instead of 15-20, boss calls me into the office and makes me take off my hoodie gloves. Grabs my hand and squeezes it then tells me I'm done. I can go back next year with a good hand if I want.

I cashed my check and went to arcata and got sucked into the rabbit hole. You cant spend a day in that towns square with the street kids without someone handing you acid and its just wrong to decline and its wrong to take it and save it for later. When someone hands you a dose you take the dose...i dont think i spent more than 3 hours not tripping in 2 weeks while sleeping in hollow redwood stumps and eating free sandwhiches cool people drive around and hand out to homeless there. I was a space cadet.

I found a road dog. Another homeless jobless street bum that was down to leave the glitch in the matrix that is arcata California and find work. We hussled for a few days and caught tickets to willow creek.

Flew a sign in willow creek for a few hours and start walking. Tweaker pulls off and tells us to hop in the bed and we did and he started driving before we realized we didnt even tell dude where we were headed. Im terrorfied as im in the bed of a truck passing cars in a 60 through a mountain town that has 1 single cop... Dude probably drove for 35 minutes before pulling into a rest stop and we all hop out and he finally asks where were headed and we were like "we dont fucking know dude" and hes like "well im sleeping here tonight and going to Oregon in the am if you wanna join." Locks himself in the truck and we sleep in the grass next to it.

Wake up and take a bird bath in the rest stop batheroom and come out to my buddy saying he found craigslist work for rent on some farm in oregon so we tap on tweakers window and ask for a ride his way. He took us all the way to the gas station of the town we needed and even stopped at a diner and spent 30 bucks feeding us and gave us a pack of american spirits when he left us.

Sit at the gas station for about an hour and ok boy shows up. We talk for maybe 30 minutes before he goes inside for about another 30 then comes outside and just says "you seem good enough I'll try ya."

Get to the farm and he gives us the tour and he shows us the green house and my head exploded. "Why the fuck would you make a craigslist add for a weed farm?!"

"Because im legal and I fucking can."

"Fair enough"

Ive been here for a while now, buddy that got me here left the first week. And I cant stop laughing at how perfectly everything always goes in my life

[bytogram]

A depressed clown

Another day, another party. The same routine i’ve lived by for 30 years, now. And for what? 20 bucks a show? Since i hang around for about three hours, im fairly certain that means im paid less than minimum wage. Nice. I put on my goofy make up and get in my oversized, colorful outfit. It reeks. Im not sure when the last time i’ve washed it was. But honestly, i couldn’t care less.

My old, fucked up car’s acting up, again. Something’s rattling somewhere under the hood. Last time something like this happened, it cost me a month and a half’s worth of my salary, and the guy that “fixed” it did a lousy ass job. For all i know, this might be the exact same problem as last time.

For some reason, every single birthday party throwing parent lives downtown, about an hour from where i live, at best. And thats without running into almost ever-present trafic on the way in and out. So every ride ends up like yet another motivation to ingest the whole bottle of sleeping pills in my bathroom cabinet. And coming back never is a treat either. My dementia riddled mother always finds a new way to hurt herself. Last week, she somehow broke a glass and cut her hand. And not even four days prior, she found rat poison in a kitchen drawer and mistook the little pellets for candy. Its a good thing i came in the room when i did, because she would have died if i hadn’t. At least i got a few days of peace while she was at the hospital. God, sometimes, i wish i let her eat the damn rat poison.

I park my car in a dirty alley, about twenty minutes away from the park where the party is. No way in hell am i paying for parking. I walk with my head down, and with each new step i realize more and more about how much i hate my life. Some people look at me funny, and i try to avoid eye contact. Im so fucking ashamed. I finally get there, after an eternity and a half. The park is kinda small, a few trees standing miserably here and there. A very humble hommage to nature in this rat infested, smug ridden piece of shit city. There are balloons tied to the fences and the the playground structures, and kids are running around everywhere. I dont think I’ve ever seen so many in one place. Fuck this. I walk in and go straight to the group of adults hanging out at a stray picnic table. Look at them, with their dumb suits and ties. They think they’re so high and mighty on their self-made pedestals. As they see me coming, they give each other a look that i know all too well. “Is this our guy? He cant be, he looks so shabby… who is he?” They probably already hate me, but its no problem, since i already hate them myself. They tell me to go amuse the kids, or something, so i head toward a group of them little shits. I dont look over my shoulder because i know the parents are staring at me. With a sigh, as i get to the kids, i ask them, in one happy tone of voice, if they want to play a game. “What hole did you crawl out of?” I turn around and see a couple adolescents staring me down from a few feet away. I turn back to the little ones and try to ignore the teens, but the call me out again. “Are you lost, you hobbo? You want some money?” They start chuckling, and i find it hard to contain myself. “Why dont you young’uns go play over there, huh?”, i utter through my gritted teeth, trying to keep my fake smile. “And why dont you go back to sleeping in your cardboard box, old man?” I spin around, grab the fucker’s wrist look him dead in the eye. “Listen here, you shit: I’ve hit far bigger people than you for far less, so how about you fuck off and let me do my job?!” I push him away and look over him to see the adults walking towards me with outraged looks in their eyes. I just walk out the park and leave.

The sun sets. Im stuck in trafic, again, and i havent got a penny in my pocket. I just want to be in my bed already. I cant believe i messed up another job. I cant keep this up. Soon enough, i’ll have to buy food with my savings… last time i checked, i had about two grand. I guess that if i stretch it out, that could feed me and my useless mom for about three months. But what happens after that…? God, i need a real job…

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Then He said: “Hey, let’s make that clown guy’s mother snore louder than a fucking twelve-wheeler!” If i hadn’t those sleeping pills, i’d be poor in both money and sleep. I cant believe i can even afford these, anymore. I chuckle softly. I walk to my minuscule bathroom and brush my teeth. Sometime soon, i’ll have to have someone repair my broken washing machine. I dont even know why i keep it in here, its just taking space thats already not a huge abundance in this pathetic bathroom. I slide under the covers of my bed. Tomorrow, i’ll have to create a new website, again. After today’s pitiful show, the site will be flooded by angry parents’ rants and complaints. I pop a pill and lie down, trying to ignore the constant, earth-shattering rumble from the adjacent room. “Fuck my life.”

#short stories #writing #clown #depressing #fml #depressed #writing for fun #dramatisation #my poetry #story #literature