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ofstoriesandstardust · 1 year

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day 1 - seven o’clock news/silent night - rebel mitchell

a/n: it’s not me if we don’t start off strong with some angst hehe. this is going to bookend day 12 and i’m very excited for it. phoebe bridges did an amazing cover of simon and garfunkel’s “seven o’clock news/silent night” with a modern twist and this inspired me so enjoy. :)

summary: The worst Christmas of Rebel’s life.

12 days of ficmas | main masterlist | top gun: maverick masterlist | same mistakes-verse

warnings: angst, homesickness, a military parent who is determined MIA, fear of death of a parent, mentions of religion, my general Navy inaccuracies

word count: 1,470

The crunch of the snow echoes against your ears as the bite of the freshly fallen snow stings your cheek. Your lips are chapped and you’re sure the bare skin of your face is red and raw from taking the brunt of the wind. Distantly, your brain registers the carolers across the way, the only streetlight dimly lighting the area below.

You blink back the tears threatening to cascade down your face, knowing they’d just become salt icicles in the cold of the night. Numbly, you sit down on a bench, not bothering to wipe the snow away as your brain replays an endless loop of the news you’d spent hours listening to.

Thousands of miles away from home, across international waters, you’re not even sure where in the world you’re stationed right now. You know the town is small, snowy and remote, with only two news channels and a local channel that has been playing White Christmas, dubbed in German, over and over again for the last three days, according to your new wingman.

When the weather had predicted snow, your new wingman had been disappointed, frowning at just her luck, returning to Florida for the holidays. You had merely sniffed and sat down on your new bed, turning towards the window to look for a storm that had not yet formed.

If only you had known what kind of storm would be waiting for you.

You’d just gotten to the quiet town that day when she left for her leave. Your heart ached to turn around and go with her, upset you’d gotten new orders just days before Christmas. She had only been gone for a few hours when the phone rang, clear in the night.

You’d been watching the news when the call came. Your head had been laying on the spare pillow for the couch, images and voices of faraway conflicts and politics on repeat as your eyes drooped close. You had turned all the lights off, preferring to allow yourself to wallow in the dark, just for this moment, just for this one night. If you strained hard enough, you could hear the carolers in town, the faraway jingling of bells. Otherwise, it was quiet. Almost peaceful.

Peaceful as all Christmas Eves should be.

The phone had vibrated above your head and you had started, blinking as you reached out for the object. You’re not sure what strings Ice had pulled for you to even have this luxury all the way out here, but you’re grateful nonetheless. He might not have been able to delay the orders but he’d been able to grant you this at the very least. You blink, immediately recognizing the number flashing across the screen.

Ice.

You swallow. Probably calling to wish you a happy holidays, to cheer you up despite everything. You answer the call as your eyes refocus on the TV screen as you answer, realizing the screen is showing images of some building on fire, a base far away having been attacked. Pilots missing. Planes down. Nothing left.

“Hey kiddo.”

“Hi Ice.” You answer softly, moving to turn the volume down on the TV, to drown out the sounds of someone else’s nightmare.

Your godfather takes a shuddering breath. “Kid, something’s wrong.” Your eyes flicker back to the screen as you swallow.

Couldn’t be-

“Something happened where your Dad was stationed. We- I can’t tell you much but he- his plane got shot down. They’re out looking for him now, but we’re not sure what we’re going to find.”

In that moment, everything feels like it freezes as your heart stops in your chest.

“Ice, please-” You beg, squeezing your eyes shut as the tears burn. You’re not sure what you’re asking from him, pleading to some God who will ignore the silent prayer in the word.

“I need you to prepare yourself for the worst.”

You don’t say anything for a few minutes as you sit there, hand not holding the phone digging into your thigh, fingernails sure to leave a mark. “How long?”

He sighs, shifting on the other end of the line. “He was declared MIA this morning. I was holding off on calling you until we knew for sure but-”

A whimper escapes your throat as your hand comes up to silence it as you realize what this means. Being declared MIA was never a good thing but at least there was hope. But this, if Ice was calling you, it meant there was no hope left.

“Kid, don’t give up just yet. We’re going to keep looking, I promise. I’ll call you again as I know more.”

“Okay.” You whisper as your bottom lip catches in your teeth, unsure what else to say to him.

“I love you.”

“Love you too.” You whisper, your voice cracking in the middle.

“Merry Christmas.” The call clicks off as you numbly pull the phone away from your ear. Something flashes across the screen, bringing your attention back to the footage of the building on fire. Your hand reaches out for the remote, clicking it off. The screen goes dark, leaving you in complete and total darkness.

You’re not sure how long you sit there in the cold and dark of the house but at some point you do pull yourself up, thinking to grab your jacket and shoes as you slip out the front door, hoping to find some peace as you walked into the town.

Being this far from home and the people you loved for the holidays had been hard enough but this... everything you’d ever known in your life could change in the next 24 hours and there was nothing more you could do but wait.

You pushed your hand in your pockets as you let out a shaky exhale, coming back to the present. You watch the puff of air appear in the air from your breath as a shiver goes down your spine, one you’re hoping has all to do with the child.

First time seeing snow and this is how it’s going.

Your chest feels tight as the tears surface once more as the carolers begin singing a quiet rendition of Silent Night. You allow yourself to let go, allowing yourself to think about what this means. The tears are warm against your skin, tasting of salt as they run down your face.

Everything could change. No more Dad to go home to. No more joint leaves and dinners with Ice and Sarah. You’d have to bury your father and you would be alone. Ice would be there, so would Sarah and Slider, and a million others who’d stepped up throughout your life because it takes a village but- it wasn’t the same.

A sob rips from your throat as you realize you may have said I love you to your Dad for the last time your Dad would ever be alive.

Another hand comes up to your chest as the tears increases, shoulders heaving you think about who would make that call to Bradley.

For the first time in years, you gave yourself a moment to think of him, to allow yourself to think of all you lost when he’d left. Because for all that things had been ruined, he still deserved to know. Deserved the chance to be there for Maverick if this was his only chance to say goodbye.

You’d never admit it outloud how much you hoped he’d still care. How much you hoped he’d show, if not for your Dad, then for you. Ice would never reach out to try and rebuild that bridge, still angry with what Bradley had said to your father (information you weren’t privy too), for what walking out had done to his goddaughter.

And you’re angry too. But sometimes you still missed him so much it hurt. You wondered what he’d say to you right now, if things hadn’t happened the way they did. You thought about the way it would feel to be pulled close to his chest in a hug as he soothed you, assuring you everything would be okay. To return what you’d done for him so long ago.

You reach up, desperately trying to wipe the tears from your face. There was nothing more you could do now but wait.

Eventually, even the carolers dispersed as the street finally does fall truly silent. The street light, dim as it was, begins to flicker and then goes out, casting the street into a quiet glow, only light coming from the stars, reflecting off the freshly fallen snow. The town is finally quiet as you lean back against the bench, taking in what otherwise would’ve been a beautiful sight.

There was nothing more you could do but wait.

silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright

#rebel mitchell #top gun: maverick #top gun: maverick fic #ky's 12 days of ficmas #12 days of ficmas #tom iceman kazansky #pete maverick mitchell

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keilemlucent · 4 years

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So I saw that your requests were open and was wondering if you could do some aftercare with Hawks? Like after a really intense scene and the reader is out of it for awhile so Hawks just patiently helps them come back into reality?

ugh anon, you got me on this one. i truly love a good aftercare fic, and i really love reading fics with bdsm elements!! i combined a bit into here <3 there may be some inaccuracies, but nonetheless, enjoy this little number!!

word count: ~2.4k

warnings: bdsm scene, a bit of degradation, praise kink, aftercare, fluff, fluff, avian keigo (think ‘best nest’-verse)

scene & stop:

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Keigo had set a brutal pace long ago, as he usually did. Twisting, pulling and pushing you faster than you could fathom or keep track of. You’d stopped trying to make sense of it all when Keigo had hauled you up by your feather-bound wrist, arching your back into a painful curve and stuffing you full of his cock to the point where it was almost difficult to breathe.

You loved every moment of it.

“Oh baby,” Each rhythmic slap of skin seared across your gooey mind. Keigo’s voice, sweet despite the force of his actions, washed over. “Look at you, always such a good cock sleeve for me when I ask, huh?”

You could only make yourself whine, any answer feeble and small in the back of your throat. Most of your conscious effort was going into bracing your thighs, keeping yourself upright and poised against Keigo’s grip and the feather nearly vibrating on your sore clit.

His wings beat the air with each thrust, filth slipping from his lips, long-since saturating your psyche. It was nasty, undeniably, all of the words dripping over you in time with Keigo’s harsh breath and bites over your shoulders.

“Come on, dove, use those pretty lips to tell me how good my cock feels,” Keigo growled against the shell of your ear. “I know they’re more useful when my cock is down your throat, but I guess I’ll settle.”

You swallowed, shuddering a particularly harsh thrust that hit your deepest insides, “I-It feels really good, sir, v-very good.”

“Oh, ‘sir’? How polite.” A laugh colored his tone, mocking and high. You whimpered, lost in the speed of sensations, almost drowning in it if not for Keigo’s constant touch and words. “You really are just a fucked-out, fuck toy, huh?”

His hand wrapped around your throat, squeezing the sides of your neck with just enough pressure to make you go nicely hazier. You were quickly shoved into the bed, back still arched, hands still bound, but this time with your face smushed against the sheets, whimpers and mewls muffled by the silks and satin. All the aches and pretty cruelties went right to your cunt, spent and dripping.

Keigo’s pace turned harsher, faster even still. You drank all of it in, feeling your whines break into cries and sobs as the sheets below you soaked with tears and spittle.

“Awwww, is my needy birdie crying?” Keigo sneered above you, a sharp slap coming down on the flesh of your ass. It stung, burned through you like a divine iron. “That’s cute. Too bad.”

He had warned you he was in a particularly nasty mood-- not that you minded too much. The pain and aches mixed with the hot pleasure over your body, stripping you down to just raw nerves.

You both loved it.

Keigo had to be getting close, the feather circling and lapping at your clit getting more erratic and shaky with the pace of Keigo’s hips. You vaguely recognized it through the fog, a new stream of tears dripping down your cheeks. The bruising of Keigo’s cockhead against your cervix was almost too much, but you held out.

It all ended abruptly.

Keigo dragged your weeping face from the duvet, almost contorting your body with the amount of pressure and strength he was exerting. With a few pointed thrusts, you shuddered and screamed through your last orgasm, a slow rolling thing after so many other ecstasies preceded it. Keigo came moments later, the shuddering of your gooey cunt around his girth undoubtedly pushing him over the edge.

While he’d been keeping your cumming and cumming and cumming for what had to have been hours, he’d been edging himself, saving his load for when you were completely rung out.

Oh, and you were.

You felt his absence more than you felt him inside you. As he pulled out of you, cooling cum dripped along your inner thighs.

And moments later, you were boneless.

You slipped down against the sheets, feathers and hands removed. You were spinning, high, light and floating. It felt a bit too high, consider you couldn’t feel or hear Keigo.

A new wave of sputtering cries got muffled into the sheets.

“Hey, hey, dove, I’m right here,” Keigo’s voice was so soft compared to the grating cruelty from just moments before. Arm loop around your waist, his face buried into the crook of your neck from behind. “I’ve got you, let me hold you.”

You slowly turned, just enough to bury your face in his chest, and nestle into him the best you could. Keigo linked your sticky legs together, pressing a few kisses to your hairline.

“Gimme some taps, dove,” Keigo urged, nosing into your hair and pulling a thin sheet over the two of you.

Your fingers twitched against his clammy back.

One tap. Two tap. Three tap. Four taps.

Keigo hummed, “Got you, dove. Thank you for showing me. I’m so proud of you.”

The praise crashed over your melted mind like weighted, lavender-smelling blanket, something grounding and soft to safely hold onto.

Keigo tended to get particularly tender during aftercare, no matter the scene. It soothed both of your mental aches.

“You did so good, dove,” He purred against your ear, all warm and solid like you needed. You squeezed him, a silent ‘thank you, you too’.

Keigo blanketed you in sweet everythings, little kisses and the most gentle touches he could muster. You kept your face tucked into his chest, the aftershocks of it all making you shiver against him. It felt safest to keep your face hidden from view.

Though, with each passing moment, you felt yourself floating less and less.

Keigo, surprisingly, was patient, particularly in moments like these, with you, that required the mutual bearing-of-souls.

You slowly peered him up him, hardly pulling away much. Despite how clammy and sticky you felt, being near Keigo meant you were safe and okay.

“There’s my dove,” Keigo beamed down at you, giving you the sweetest, warmest type of smile. He peppered kisses across your face, kissing away the few stray tears that remained. “You’re beautiful, you know that? Especially when you’re all marked-up and sweet for me.”

You rolled your eyes, not ready for any sort of words yet, but you have just enough spunk to nose at his jaw, nipping near his stubble. He’s quick to rub his hands up and down your sides, trading your little teasing for a whole heap of kisses and squeezes.

“I love you, dove, god, you did so well,” Keigo crooned, nearly crushing you against him. “Can I help you out a bit, clean you up a little? We can take a bath after, use one of those bath bombs we got?”

You nodded, tucking into his neck again to speak, voice hoarse and dry, “Please.”

He squeezed you, giving a happy nod.

Keigo’s feathers fluttered off, a tap running in the nearby bathroom. There was a water bottle, chilled, pressed into your hand, already opened.

You tipped it back, drinking down whatever your dehydrated body would take. Keigo’s hand stayed over your own, keeping the bottle to your lips and then pulling it away, “Little sips, love. Don’t want to hurt your tummy.”

True, your guts were more than rearranged, your insides definitely feeling a bit out of wack. You were sure they’d settle, especially after some more water, time, and a nice bath. Keigo would always treat you to your favorite delivery takeout when you were done with scenes. The thought set you smiling, nuzzling into the side of his neck to show what you felt, even if you couldn’t say it quite yet.

The water was taken away, placed on a bedside table. Keigo kissed the tip of your nose, “Just give me some taps if you want more.”

You nodded, leaning back into the comfort of his embrace.

Keigo took a soft looking towel from a returning feather, repositioning you to lay as he wanted. It was a bit too exposed, but you kept a solid hold on his shoulders.

Gently, he wiped away the cum and slick that stickied your thighs. He cooed some praises as he idly talked through the scene as well, his own form of aftercare. You listened the best you could, humming and pressing harder against him to show you’d heard him.

He knew you well enough to know that that was your best way to show love in such a state.

After cleaning you, Keigo paused, tossing the dirty towel into a hamper, “Would you like to take that bath still?”

You nodded, sitting up, though Keigo was quick to assist your, wings fluttering and settling, tucked into his back. It was clear why he did as you winced, muscles across you body burning hot with new, bright aches.

“Aw, dove, I’ll carry you, ” Keigo cooed in the back of his throat. Quickly sliding and scooping you into his arms. “Don’t strain yourself.”

He pressed a kiss to your forehead, tucking you against his chest and carrying you to the bathroom.

Setting you down, you lingered around his neck. Lacking that grounding physical was always scary after a scene, especially one that was so long and intense.

Keigo, ever-observant, caught your hand to squeeze it, “Do you want a feather to hold onto while I set things up, love?”

You nodded, a feather quickly coming to rest on your bare lap. Your own nakedness, the awareness of it, surprised you.

You looked to Keigo with glassy eyes. He flashed you a sympathetic look, squeezing your shoulders, “Just gotta grab the bath stuff, then you’ll be getting all the cuddling in the world, angel.”

You trust him.

He was as fast as possible, darting into a bathroom drawer, dubbed the ‘aftercare drawer, for a few supplies. As promised, a few colorful, fragrant bath bombs, a bottle of luxury bubblebath (somehow, you had no idea, fused with Keigo’s calming avian pheromones), a bar of warm-smelling, skin-softening soap, along with a few different bottles of massage oil (and, of course, Keigo’s bottle of wing oil if he was in that particularly mushy mood).

Carefully, he brought an armful of supplies back, feathers carrying the rest to the thick rim of the massive soaker tub. It was opulent, pretty marble that might as well have been the size of hot tub. It was made specifically to accommodate Keigo’s wings, long before you were in the picture. Still, the two of you fit well in it, snug together in your precious moments.

You chose one of the bath bombs from the stack, one that you spit rainbows across the bathwater as you unceremoniously plunked it into the tub.

Keigo snorted from the bathtubs edge, checking the temperature with his hand, “Nice toss.”

“Thank you,” Your voice was quiet again, but not as meek. You squeezed Keigo’s feather in between your hands.

Keigo could, of course, do most of what he needed to with his feathers. But, with you, especially in these softer, slower moments, he wanted to do them on his own, with his own hands.

It was a sweet gesture, all for you.

Keigo dumped in a few healthy gulgs of a bubble bath, foam rising on the top of the water. You watched, mesmerized by the colors and textures.

So mesmerized, you hardly noticed Keigo leave the room and return, kneeling down in front of you and offering the water-bottle once more.

You stared at for a moment, slowly taking it from his hand, softly speaking once more, “Little sips.”

“Perfect, dove, perfect,” Keigo shined you the sweetest smile as you took a few little sips, the feather from your lap darting to turn off the bathtub’s faucet. His wings were settled against back, desperately need a bit of preening, but still happily twitching and vibrating with Keigo in his own relaxed state.

You set the bottle down, Keigo kneeling in front of you to scan you down, “I don’t see any places where I broke skin, but once we get in, tell me if anything stings, okay?’

You nodded complacently. Keigo, ever-dutiful, cupped your cheeks and gave you a quick smattering of kisses before helping you into the frothy bathwater.

The water was hot, maybe a little too hot, but you didn’t mind. The heat rolled against your aching muscles, soothing you.

Keigo slipped in the tub behind you, wings extended out and up to avoid the suds. It was the usual routine, Keigo immediately pulling you to his chest, toned thighs framing your own while his arms made their home around your mid section.

You leaned into him, all of you, mind, body and spirit. Cheek against the dew of his chest, you let your eyes go half-lidded, slowly but surely allowing the heat of Keigo’s touch and the comfort of the water around you bring you back to lucidity.

Sometime later, you weren’t sure how long, you finally spoke.

“Love you, Keigo, thank you,” Your voice was still scratchy, overused with tears. It was a bit endearing, apparently, based on the way Keigo chuckled and squeezed your waist.

“Anytime, dove,” Keigo hummed against your ear. He rocked you two slightly, little ripples hitting the sides of the tub. “Do you want a massage after this? I can imagine you’re a little bit sore, huh?”

“‘A little bit’?” You craned your neck to frown at him. “I dunno, Kei’, I think I can confidently say you’ve made good on your promise that I ‘won’t be walking straight for a month’?”

Of course, Keigo had his rougher moods that left you more than sexually wrecked, sore in new, deep places, but he had plenty of softer ones as well. He was adaptable and fickle, and you were happy to ride the waves of his preferences as he harmonized with your own. Sure, that meant that sometimes, you were wordless for an hour or so, needy and burning, but god, you fucking loved it.

Keigo squeezed you, burying his face into your neck, and whispering a few small words, “You okay?

You just had to reassure Keigo, as quietly insecure as he was.

“More than, it was really, really good,” You sighed against him, littering his stubbly jawline with kisses. “You just gotta carry me around a bit. A massage might be in order. I can preen your wings, if you’d like?”

The extended feathers shuddered in a wave as Keigo nodded, any of his own subtle shyness fading as he returned your affections.

You fell into each other, far differently from your recent hours of hot pleasure and pain, satisfied and safe in each others arms. Keigo cooed and hummed a simple melody as you let your pains begin to fade, lulled, safe, and sated.

#Anonymous #salem answers #salem writes #drabble #but its a lil longer #this turned into its own thing lol #hawks x reader #takami keigo x reader #hawks #takami keigo #mha smut

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prismatales · 4 years

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Baby? (Yagi Toshinori)

Anon:could you do one where all might finds out his girlfriend/fiance is pregnant even though they thought she would never be able to have children? 👉👈

How dare you hit me in the feels Anon...I love you

...This had to be a joke...right?

Those two pink lines had to be some mistake, a sick joke from the 10% chance of inaccuracy from the pregnancy test clutched tightly in your shaking hands, breath coming out in shaky puffs just from looking at the dreaded plastic stick.

Why did the universe enjoyed torturing you and Toshi so much?

After years and years of trying, of taking overwhelmingly nasty home remedies, fertility treatments and going from clinic to clinic, you and your then boyfriend had given up on the dream of having a child together after the last medical check-up, hearing the news from the doctor together with that damned look full of pity on her face didn't help the situation one bit the moment she gave you the diagnosis.

"I'm really sorry to be the bearer of such disheartening news, but based on the results...It's highly unlikely you'll manage to conceive a child..."

That was five years ago, and each and every single time you stumbled upon the children's section at stores that heaviness inside would always come back, each time more painful than the last one in cruel mockery.

So...Why did you let Midnight talk you into taking this cursed test into the first place after seeing you rushing to the bathroom to empty the contents of your stomach for the third time that week, considering that by this point the answer would be more than obvious and you knew it better than anyone?

"What does the test say Y/N?" Nemuri's voice could was heard from the other side of the door, she could hear you pacing back and forth through the small room.

"It's says it's a god damn joke!" She could hear you yelling, if anyone came in the small bathroom they'd quickly notice how much you were trembling, tears dangerously close to come out from all the emotions growing inside of you at the same time...along with the small life inside of you.

If there's really something, or rather someone growing in there...

"Are you serious?!" Midnight yelled out in excitement and opened the door, but her expression faltered a bit when she saw you sitting in the toilet while glaring at the test in your hands with a look of doubt.

Both fear and happiness radiated off your whole being, happy at the idea of finally being able to become a parent alongside your now fiance, but you were also afraid it was only a false alarm, you knew the possible outcome that would come should this be just some fake hope. Toshi and you would definitely be devastated, it was already hard enough the fist time you got the news that having a baby would be nearly impossible...so if this was just a mistake you weren't sure if the both of you could take it.

"I'm scared Midnight..." Your hands grasped your head stressfully, afraid this was just a dream or some sick joke "What if it's just a false alarm? I don't think Toshi and I will be able to handle it..."

She quickly crouched down in front of your nervous self, hands caressing your shoulders comfortingly, she knows how sensitive this subject really was for both you and Yagi, so it's natural for you to be so afraid of stepping inside another clinic just to be let down once again. Pinching the bridge of your nose in frustration the only thing left to do was face this current situation and see what happens, dwelling in fear won't give you the answer you're looking for.

"I may not understand how you're feeling right now, but I'll assure you everything's going to be alright...besides, think about it from this perspective" She stood up in front of you with a smile "Isn't it a coincidence that you guys are finally going to be a happy little family after he retired?"

...Midnight had a good point, why did this happen right after Toshi officially retired as the symbol of peace and Number One hero? Maybe it was some kind of signal, telling you this was the perfect time to bring a little one to this world, the small flicker of hope inside you kept growing and growing, reassuring you everything would be fine.

You were not aware your hand was caressing the spot where the little one was growing, not until the thought of giving Toshi the news came to mind, a smile crept upon your face at the idea of telling him that before he'd realize there would be somebody around calling him "Papa", probably wearing one of his characteristics hero Onesie.

The fit of giggles that came out couldn't be contained, the mental image of a mini Toshi stumbling around the house as they struggled to follow their father around the house was too cute to handle, and Nerumi knew just what you were thinking just by looking at your face.

"I need to surprise him, would you help me plan something?" She smiled brightly by your question.

"Thought you'd never ask!"

..........

......

...

Yagi Toshinori came home with exhaustion running though his whole body after today's training session with class 1-A and his training with Midoriya, in that moment his one and only desire was to die into bed to have a well deserved rest and possibly spend some time with his lovely Y/N before delving into the land of dreams.

Especially after he barely had time so see you that morning because of the stomach bug you apparently caught most likely due to the takeout ordered from that new place, he'd have to make sure to send a complain if by any chance his fiance's condition happened to get worse.

"I am home!" His voice came out mixed with a soft laughter, ever amused by the little call you always enjoyed to hear every time he came home, living together was quite an adventure, something full of excitement, happiness and joy, it was something that you wouldn't change for anything in the world.

"I am in the kitchen!" You call back with enthusiasm, there's something that has you in a good mood it seems, considering you're not waiting for him in the living room reading that book you love so much with that look of serenity that always manages to put him in a good mood even with all the current events, it's something worth adoring that could make even the most stoic of persons remember we're just humans after all.

Despite the exhaustion coursing thought every inch of his body Toshinori make his way to the kitchen in a steady yet slow pace, nothing but curiosity driving each step, thoughts deep in wonder...what exactly happened that has you in such a euphoric mood? Not that he doesn't like it, but today there's something else boosting that happy mood.

Stepping inside the kitchen he's met with an unusual sight, in the first place there's a small pastel yellow gift bag sitting on top of the table, and you're sitting on the other side of the table, chin resting over your hands which are resting over the wooden surface, there's such a bright smile on your face it could illuminate even the darkest of nights, it's been a while since the last time he saw you smiling that brightly.

The last time he saw that kind of smile was probably when he proposed two years ago.

"Welcome home Toshi! How did class go today?" You asked cheerfully, a glint in those E/C colored eyes hinted for an incoming surprise, a big one by the looks of it so he played along with it to see just what kind of stuff you were going to pull out.

"Hard as usual, those kids are going to become some of the greatest heroes the world has ever seen" Yagi pulled out the chair in front of you and took a seat "Young Midoriya's improving greatly as well...if only she could see his improvement as well..."

His voice dropped quickly and it was so easy to figure out why exactly, after all he told you everything about Nana and the history with All for One, it was clear as water talking about this would always be a sensitive subject for Yagi.

You were quick to comfort him, standing up and softly wrapping your arms around his shoulders from behind "I'm sure Nana's watching everything from above...and even though we were unable to meet each other, I can assure you that she's proud of you and Midoriya"

Yagi's hands caressed your own and gripped it back carefully, it was his own way of thanking his love for being there for him despite everything that's happened so far, that's the very reason that made Yagi make up his mind the day he proposed, that's why he wanted you alongside him for whatever time he had left on earth.

"But enough of that, you have a surprise I do not want to ruin with my pessimist mood, what got my dear fiance in such a good mood?" He turns around in his spot to take a good look at your face, despite the recent conversation that smile is still there and doesn't seem to go away.

Pecking Yagi on the cheek before releasing him from the hug, the first thing you did was grab the gift bag in front of him before shaking it with enthusiasm, the sight was almost like watching a child getting riled up about their birthday present and was enough to make Yagi release a full fledged laugh at the way his fiance behaved.

"I got a surprise for you! And trust me when I say you did NOT see this coming!"

You hand him the bag before rushing for the phone to get his reaction on camera, it leaves him wary at first thinking it must be a prank, but on the other hand this good mood you're in it's more than enough proof it's something important.

"Should I expect something jumping at my face?" He chuckles.

"Just open your gift and take a look for yourself!" Your giggles are contagious, and with that motivation Yagi caves in and sticks his hand inside the bag, the ruffling inside riles up his curiosity tenfold when your literally start vibrating in excitement.

A few seconds later he finally pulls out a small pair of white baby shoes from the bag, they're small enough to fit a newborn and look even smaller when he's holding them in both hands, he just stares at them quietly for a while, there's not a bit of sound in the kitchen asides from your guy's breathing and the sounds outside from traffic and people passing by.

"What's this?" He can't help but ask, thinking is some game or something.

"They're shoes you dummy" You say from behind the camera, awaiting for his answer.

"I know what they are Y/N, but why did you buy this? They're small enough to fit a--" Yagi freezes on the spot, once he connects the dots his head whips around in you direction with wide eyes like a deer caught in the headlights.

"You're not joking...right?"

You shake you head with a smile, but before Yagi can say anything else you interrupt him.

"Look inside the bag, there's something else in there"

He rapidly starts rummaging through the bag and finds a white envelope that's quickly ripped open in a rush to get the paper inside it, his eyes quickly scan the contents of the letter before he turns back to look at you.

"This isn't a joke...right?" He asks you once again before looking back and forth between you and the papers in hand, practically shaking from everything he's feeling in that moment, it's actually a surprise to the both of you he hasn't started coughing up blood from the shock.

He stands up so quickly the chair scrapes against the titled floor, making a high pitched, ear splitting screech that neither of you seemed to mind, too distracted by the news to pay attention to anything else currently going on.

"Are you really...Are we really having a baby?!" He's standing in front of you, and the hope in his eyes makes it impossible to hold it in anymore.

"Yes! We're finally going to be parents!" You almost want to jump from happiness, but knowing Yagi he'd probably give you an earful before telling you to be careful, if the way he's constantly dotting over Midoriya isn't already proof enough.

Yagi quickly hugs you, strongly but carefully not to hurt you or the small life growing inside of you, he's only known about it for less than a few minutes and he's already being extremely careful with you.

"How long...?" He can't even speak properly, too close to tears and his voice comes out hoarse from how much he wants to cry in that instant.

"Four weeks, turns out the little one was the one responsible for the stomach ache, not the takeout" You laughed "I seriously hope you didn't send a complain"

"Who, me?" He pulls back, hands up in the air "No way!"

Good thing he forgot to call the restaurant in the midst of the whole surprise...

"Do you realize what this means?" Yagi quickly changes the subject, a glint in his eyes that can only mean one thing.

"We need to prepare the nursery asap!!"

"Oh my god Toshi, we still have 9 months to do so!"

"Nonsense, It's never too early, the quicker the better! Wait until young Midoriya finds out!"

"Should we get him an 'Honorary big brother' T-shirt?"

"Yes! And don't forget about the wedding! Should we do it before or after the baby's born?"

"Careful Toshi, Midoriya finally rubbed off on you"

This was going to be so much fun.

MASTERLIST

@t-amajiki @undead0relived @shoobirino @bnha-ra @godtieruwu @mysticalite

#mha imagine #bnha imagine #mha imagines #bnha imagines #bnha toshinori #toshinori yagi #yagi toshinori #all might #reader insert #female reader

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lemonietrinket · 4 years

Text

Reach ||| Felix x Reader

Summary: After finding out that you are older than him, you feel like the chances of your crush liking you back immediately go from low to zero in a matter of minutes. But there are a few other things you don’t know about Felix, besides his age that you somehow managed to miss, so not all hope is lost...

Genre: Fluff, angst, with some small bits of humour thrown in Warning(s): Some poor language (inferred: text abbreviations) Word Count: 4329 (+11 photos of fake text) Theme Song: Sing Me - Day6

AN: A request from anon, I’m so sorry it took so long! I hope you like it, it did turn out a bit angstier (and a lot longer) than I originally intended but the fluff I think makes up for it!

~~~

You always felt so giddy and light whenever Felix was mentioned in any capacity in your vicinity. Your heart could never stop pounding at the speed of light, while your stomach was always alive with butterflies, fluttering up into your lungs and leaving you short of breath.

But now, dread slowly began to seep through your body like a poison, the butterflies ceasing up and stuttering. Their corpses fell to the pit of your guts, and those that did not became lodged in your chest and throat, leaving you without air for another reason entirely.

Your fingers numbly opened your laptop and pressed the keys of Felix’s name. You never searched him, you felt like it was an invasion of privacy, especially when he was normally right there within your physical grasp if you so wished to take it (which you never did, you were too afraid to take the leap). But this was something small, and though it was somehow something so huge while being so, you let yourself off just this once. Not that you could stop yourself even if you’d tried.

The screen turned white, the search bar scrolling unnaturally slowly, until finally Google returned your worst fear.

Age: 19. In bold, unavoidable text. As if you were stupid. And you felt as if you were.

It had to be wrong, it had to be. An inaccuracy in results. You’d seen them happen before, whales with four legs and members of other groups being represented by the wrong photo.

You clicked on the first webpage and scrolled, your eyes unblinking, unwavering. And then the second. And then the third.

19.

You pushed yourself away from the desk, your face a stone wall while your thoughts ravaged in your head.

You couldn’t comprehend how you’d been years older this whole time. You’d assumed he was your age, you were on such a similar wavelength that your subconscious hadn’t considered he wasn’t. Meanwhile the irrational part of your brain refused to be quiet. He isn’t even 20 yet, it said, think old you were when he was 18, when he was 17, when he was 16—

It was only three years. It wouldn’t mean anything in half a decade but it still weighed so heavily on your shoulders.

You knew Chan was still messaging you, the light on your phone wavering in the corner of your eye, blurred with brimming tears. The truth was though that you weren’t even crying, not with the rest of your body at least. You didn’t feel like it, the usual energy you had festering and leaving you empty, meaning the tears built up but refused to fall.

All of those beautiful smiles that put the sun to shame and had been directed to you meant little now—only that he probably liked you as his senior, nothing more. There was a chance that he only smiled at you to curry more favour, not because he genuinely liked you. All while the age-hierarchy indicated that all of those texts were probably just him responding to you because he felt like he had to. Even when hope tried to remind you that he didn’t grow up with it, and regularly texted first, the voidful feeling crushed it.

Because, ignoring all of the age-related qualms, you still hadn’t bothered to even ask him how old he was. That surely made you a bad friend, and if you couldn’t be a good friend to him then what partner would you be? You were undeserving of him, and he most definitely did not like you back.

Aimlessly, you moved from your desk chair to your bed, dragging the cold weight of you phone in your hand and letting the screen turn black. As you lay dejectedly upon the covers, your thoughts trailed off to think of the boy you’d fallen so hard and quickly for. His radiant smile that you wanted to be the reason for, his pretty eyes that you always found yourself gazing into no matter how much you told yourself not to, his adorable hands that you just longed to hold... It was as if his features were emblazoned in your mind, and nothing could wash them away, and it only made thinking how these things were out of reach for you now hurt more.

Hearing your phone vibrate by your head where you’d discarded it, you absentmindedly flicked your eyes up to look at the lit screen. Seeing who the notification was from, your fingers immediately opened it up before you could stop yourself, eyes scouring over the messages.

You’d forgotten all about the restaurant trip you had agreed to last week. Everyone was going to be there. Your thoughts briefly turned to rationalising an escape route—maybe if you claimed sick Chan would let you stay home, or maybe if you even told him the full truth he would?

It was nonsense of course, everyone was going, so you would have to attend at least for their sake. Plus, he would always say that moping wouldn’t help after all, and you had to face your demons eventually.

Nevertheless, it didn’t stop you from feeling a shedload of regret for agreeing. Even if there was no way you could have known, you scolded yourself for putting yourself in the line of potential damage.

Still, you couldn’t deny how badly you wanted to see everyone and catch up on everything—make new plans, learn new gossip—but you knew if you glanced at him, even just once, you would shatter.

With your mind in turmoil, you felt drawn to the clock ticking away endlessly on the other side of the room. It felt as if it was counting down to an end, though you put a quick stop to your melodramatic heart’s ramblings in this circumstance. You couldn’t focus on the sound for your own sanity’s sake, otherwise you wouldn’t head out at all. Opting to check the time, you spotted that you still had an hour and a half before you had to get ready, if you pushed it. And yes, rushing was not something you preferred, but you’d already made an exception for yourself today so why not another?

You slipped under your blankets, rolling over to face the wall and shut out the world. Gravity played its part and pulled the tears from the barricades of where they’d halted, clearing your eyes so you couldn finally close them comfortably.

You’d get through it. Perhaps things would be ok.

Smooth jazz music wafted across the air in the restaurant much like the rich scents of delicious food from the surrounding tables. With everyone smiling at one another, laughing into their drinks and desperately apologising to the next table over, you’d never felt more out of place.

You’d strategically sandwiched yourself between Chan and Jeongin, praying that this combination would be the most likely to not attract the attentions of Felix. But, to your luck, the person you were so desperately trying to avoid ended up sitting right opposite you. And, to make matters worse, he seemed very intent on trying to catch your eye, send you smiles, and—the worst part by far—talk to you.

Aimlessly picking at your rice with your spoon, you felt awful; not only were you unable to handle the situation quite literally right in front of you, you had practically become a deadweight in the group. Even when Jeongin asked you things, the boy who had grown up so much and never failed to make your laugh with is sass, you could barely muster answers configured of multiple sentences. All the while your eyes were cut off from looking at the vast majority of the room, forced to the confines of the table, your hard left and your hard right.

Soon enough, the time came where Felix finally spoke to you, and god you wanted the word to swallow you whole.

“Hey, Y/N, can you pass me the soy?”

Gulping, your forehead creased as you slipped your hand across to take the sauce from Chan and rigidly pass it across the wood.

He seemed to pay no mind to your wordlessness, replying with a bright, “Thank you!” All you could do was pray that would be the end of it.

But one of the qualities you admired in Felix was his diligence, and it took the form of gentle persistence on this occasion nonetheless.

“Hey, Y/N, do you want to play some video games at some point?” he enquired, hastily adding, “Jisung and I have been meaning to get round to trying out this new multiplayer, and it seems right up your street! The art is really cool, and I’ve already downloaded some of the soundtrack because it’s just that good.”

You centred your eyes awkwardly on your rice, answering as simply as you could, “Sorry I’m busy.”

You heard him chuckle, seemingly completely unfazed, and the sound snapped another one of your heartstrings, “Well, obviously not right now, but maybe, like, tomorrow evening?”

“Y-yeah, busy.” You hated how he quickly caught onto your silence and followed suit, but you also had to be thankful in some shape or form. Maybe you could get this night over and done with, and then get over your crush too and save yourself the majority of the heartbreak that you presumed was inevitable.

However, Felix was not that easily deterred and by your luck—or was it misfortune?—you suddenly saw movement out of the corner of your eye.

Taking the risk and glancing up ever so slightly, your gaze met the sight of your crush leant in over the table. His head was cocked cutely to one side, the feathered tresses of his fringe effortlessly accentuating his features, his hand reaching towards you carefully without a particular aim other than to try and show something. He’d inclined over to try and reach you, and you had accidentally fallen right into him, your eyes catching his and he smiled.

It wasn’t fair. Those pools of rich chestnut had held you and very nearly broken every single one of your defences. Your breath hitched in your throat.

“Are you ok?” he asked, and you could only stammer incoherent phrases, your cheeks heating up as you tried to hold yourself together.

There were many reasons why you had fallen so quickly for this boy in particular, like his resilience as mentioned earlier. Though another one of those things was his selfless kindness, and it had arisen to bite you: of course he would notice your silence, your crestfallen expression and worry. “Y/N? Do you feel sick? Do you want to get some air?”

Unable to respond once again, emptily swaying your spoon in a half-empty bowl you heard his voice at a strange distance. You didn’t snap back into focus, and only then barely so, until he continued, “Come on, lets get some air.”

Head empty and crowded at the same time, you looked up without fully understanding why. You could only rationalise that it was to see the sight of Felix sending a nod to Chan to your right, before asking Changbin to shift a bit so he could get through. Your heart lurched at it, the amount of care he offered you gnawing at your lungs.

Before you knew it, Jeongin was helping you stand, and you were out from around the table, following Felix a few steps behind.

Your focus once again settled on him and him alone, even though you’d promised yourself before you arrived to never do so again. You wanted to believe that he did all of this because he liked you back, that he’d fallen for you just as hard as you’d fallen for him, but you’d convinced yourself he was just extremely kind—and he of course was, therefore meaning that the story was all tied up and set.

Nevertheless, there wasn’t much that could have prepared you for what followed.

The cold hit your face and knocked the daze out of you, and you suddenly felt very awake, as if you’d fallen face first into a pool of ice cold water. Having stepped out onto the balcony, you had been plunged into the night with little to protect yourself with. Hence you wrapped your arms around yourself as best you could, drawing your jacket closed as your eyes surveyed the street just metres below.

The lamplights were warm against the navy of the night, and the few people that were still out dappled in and out of the shadows. You let your mind wander as to where they were going; a graveyard shift, out to a party, home. You wondered if any of them had someone waiting for them, a love they couldn’t wait to see and hold again after a long day out. The thought sent a pang through your heart.

The change of scenery had successfully distracted you from the person who had both directly and indirectly led you into it, but you couldn’t exist painless forever. You had to confront him now.

It was Felix who spoke first, though. Before you could even turn around, his voice, deep and sweet, danced across the breeze. “Hey, do you feel any better?”

You nodded simply, lips pressed together as to avoid anything stupid and sudden.

He sighed, a sound filled with relief but also an edge of something else. “Ah, that’s great. You do look it... the light’s returned to your eyes a bit.”

The wind buffered around the nearby buildings, a police siren wailing in the distance, catching your attention to the junction at the end of the street. Turning your head away from him, you shivered at the cold, listening intently to it fading away into the hum of the traffic.

“I guess you found out then,” Felix began suddenly, a car horn making the both of you jump.

“Found out what?” you asked, keeping your head ducked low as you turned back towards him.

You heard him pause but remained afraid to glance up. He hesitantly shuffled on his feet. “Th-that I have a crush on you.”

The world continued; the traffic bustled along the mainroad, people hurried along the streets, dogs barked at nothing.

But to you, everything went silent. Dead quiet. No wind, no clatter of shop gates, no mildly drunken yelling. Just your heartbeat, beating harder by the second, and the sound of your crush’s nervous breathing.

You looked up at him at last, to see his face obscured by his arm as he rubbed the back of his neck idly. He moved it away eventually, revealing his head downturned as yours had been just moments before.

You stood transfixed as his voice wavered, knocked by the wind as he attempted to explain, as if he needed to rectify a mistake. “I-it’s ok, I don’t want to ruin the friendship now, I—uh...” he broke off as he swallowed thickly, and you noticed that his cheeks weren’t flushed from the cool air, but rather from the tears that were welling in his eyes. “I want you to know that I’m so happy with being just friends, and... I really hope I haven’t made you feel awkward around me and—I’m sorry I...”

You found it so cruel of the world to make his eyes glisten as if they held the stars when they cradled tears. It was a form of twisted irony that he didn’t deserve. But it was the final straw that made your heart snap.

The spring of tension and worry and fear uncoiled as you reached across the deck for him, pulling him into the care of your arms. You were taken aback by how neatly they fit around him, how perfectly he rested against your chest and how his nose nuzzled into your neck.

“No, it’s ok! Shh, don’t be sorry, you have no reason to be sad. Please don’t be sad,” you found yourself whispering, your voice so fragile that it no doubt was carried away by the wind as soon as it fell to his ear.

You rubbed your hand soothingly across the mid of his back, the other tracing up to his hair and stroking the tresses there. Meanwhile, Felix remained confused. he longed to sink into your touch, his fingers gripping at your jacket being proof of that, but he couldn’t bring himself to relax.

“What...? Why are you...?”

A smile slowly rising to your lips, you didn’t waste a second.

“You haven’t ruined anything, I’d be so happy with being friends with you too, but—I like you Felix, I have a crush on you too...!” you rushed, pulling away to hold him at arm's length. Upon seeing his shining, wide eyes and his puffed, pouting lips you sighed in relief. Reaching up, you cupped his face in your palms, like you’d wanted to do for so long. “God, I was such an idiot...!”

“No, you’re not stupid!” Felix emphasised, barely coming to terms with your confession himself.

Though you nodded desperately, caressing his cheek with your thumb. “But I am. I thought you didn’t like me back.” It was then that reality decided to hit you full force, the sound of the rest of the world returning to yours as you exclaimed, “Oh my god, you like me back?!”

“Y-you like me back?!” he echoed, hands fumbling at his chest before finally gaining the courage to come to your shoulders instead. There he delicately ran his fingers across your shoulders, as if to check if you were even real. “Why—why wouldn’t I like you back?”

“Because you’re younger than me!” you said, “I didn’t think you’d see me as even viable, like, I thought you saw me as only a senior to you and that...” You gazed into his eyes, no longer cradling stars but rather glistening with the gold from the restaurant behind you, watching as they widened even further. “Why would I not like you back?”

“Because you’re older than me! I thought I wasn’t cool enough for you, and that you only were nice to me because you had to look out for me!”

His answer forced an astonished laugh out of both of you, and before you knew it the pair of you were in borderline hysterics. Felix fell back to cover his mouth with his fist, walking an aimless circle as you merely bent over, hiding behind your palms.

“We’re so stupid!” he announced, his eyes wide and incredulous, all the signs of tears long gone.

You sank your teeth into your bottom lip as you knocked your head back up, staring at him incredulously as you shook your head. “At least we both are.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, returning to you, his hands reaching for yours, “we can be dumb together.”

“Exactly, it’s merely proof that we belong together.”

You didn’t think your words through then, but any fear was met with strength, as Felix showed no sign of disagreement—rather the opposite, gently caressing your hands in his before you finally interlocked your fingers. Back together, only inches apart, you were once again in each other’s solace, stood against the auburn haze of the city night and the cold it brought.

“I don’t want to be friends with you anymore,” he murmured, the brightest grin on his face as he glanced to your lips.

“Neither do I.”

Desperately trying to keep yourself together as the proximity and the intentions of both his and your words, you leant in until your foreheads met. There you welcomed the grace of the small touch with your whole heart, wondering if you would reach out to what you had dreamt of.

With your eyes closed, unable to take in the sight of his soft beauty, you took in the scent of him as his deep voice caught your attention. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes!”

Your words barely rolled of your tongue before the final gap had been closed between you and your lips met at last.

His kiss was not what you expected; it was soft yet deep, as if he wished to instil final proof that he meant everything he’d said. You couldn’t help but melt into him, your hands drawing away from his own, only so you could loop them behind his neck. He mirrored you, his hands finding the small of your back, and pulling you closer as you pressed into him.

Perhaps this time the world did stop, to momentarily regard you and the kiss that summarised all the feelings that had lingered in your soul for months. After all, it was a resurrection event too, as the butterflies’ sparks reignited, sending them spiralling throughout your body and you back into radiant life.

It didn’t matter to you though, as your world stopped and that was all that was important in that second. Just the feel of his lips soft and plump between yours, and the hum of absolute relief that mottled through your throat at the touch.

You pulled apart with a gasp from both sides, still entwined with your arms.

Felix cursed, smile immediately returning to his features.

“What?” You cocked your head inquisitively.

“It’s so cold,” he said, exaggerating a shiver playfully to emphasise his point.

You rolled your eyes at him with a chuckle, stepping away but instantly taking his hand into yours. It was a decision of mixed results, as yes you were holding his hand, but now you had to come to terms with just how tiny they were and how devastated that made you.

“Hey, stop ogling my hands!” he pouted.

You perhaps would have pressed the matter if you weren’t still dazed by how quickly everything in your life had changed for you. You swept your head back, before pulling your best Australian accent, “You don't like me ‘cause of my personality...”

He immediately caught on, the two of you immediately wailing, “Only ‘cause my body!”

You continued to laugh together as you made your way back inside the restaurant, grateful to be in the warm again.

“Honestly, I try to be nice to him one time...!” Felix said, pursing his lips as he shook his head.

“I know right! And he just throws it right back...!”

“Terrible hyung!”

“Hundred percent!”

As you turned the corner to where your table was, you only just caught sight of Hyunjin looking over in your direction before he suddenly shouted.

“Finally!”

Confused, you took the lead, “Hey, sorry guys, I hope we weren’t gone for—”

All of a sudden you were confronted with seven guys sighing and sinking into their chairs with relief. Changbin was rubbing his eyes, Minho had his eyes centralised on the ceiling, all the while Jeongin was grinning wildly at Seungmin, a hand outstretched and beckoning for something, to which the elder was desperately miming for him to cut out.

No answer came to mind until you noticed Jisung exasperatedly smiling at the two of you, or more specifically your interlinked hands.

Glancing at Felix, silently asking him if he knew about this to which he shook his head bemusedly, your attention was taken away by Chan who had stood, making his way to the both of you.

“At last,” he stated, his features folded into tired relief, “praise the lord, I was starting to think we were going to need divine intervention—”

You heard Minho pipe up behind, “By divine intervention he means me!”

“—but thankfully we didn’t. God, I’m just happy that you finally did it.”

“Thanks...?” Felix looked at him sheepishly.

You exhaled a laugh, bringing your new boyfriend a little bit closer to your side—something he of course didn’t have a single gripe with—ahead of catching Chan’s attention. “Bang, what is all of this?”

He pouted. “Hey! You can’t get mad at us for being sick of you two! Imagine having to watch two obviously-in-love people dance around the in-love-with-each-other part for months. It was driving us insane!” Before you could interject, the he continued, “It doesn’t matter now, we’re just happy that you’re together now at least. And look! Because I’m a good leader I’ve moved myself out of the way so you two can sit next to each other.”

Unable to quite comprehend this further development, that the entire group had been anxiously waiting for you to get yourselves together and confess for as long as you’d literally liked each other, you murmured a ‘thank you’, before beginning to make your way to your new seats.

Your food was inevitably cold, but neither of you minded at all. The rush of newfound love had sated your appetites rather enough for tonight, though you expected you could go for one more thing.

Ignoring the bustle of his group mate’s comments, and the rather proud smile of Chan opposite you, you turned to Felix, “Hey, do you want to share some ice cream?”

The look on his face made your heart flutter instantaneously.

It was as if the sun had risen, his pretty smile gleaming while his nose scrunched sweetly. “Yes please!”

Knowing his favourite flavour of the top of your head, you sat back and let Hyunjin call for the waitress so everyone could order desserts. Even when the others spoke to you, and even though you felt even more alive than normal, you always found yourself looking back to Felix, taking in the sculpture of his adorable face that you now could hold between your fingers if you so wished.

He meanwhile got shy under your gaze, smiling to himself as he looked away coyly.

As you leant in to whisper how adorable he looked in his ear, you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket. Taking it out swiftly, your heart swelled as you read the message upon your lockscreen. Sending a thankful grin to the man opposite you, you quickly turned your attention to detailing your order to the waitress.

And at last, things were much more than ok.

~~~

AN: ok so this took longer than i imagined (like a solid 4 hours at least, idek i wasnt actually counting)

the irony is i actually wrote that felix’s age was 20 until i luckily checked and found he was still 19. i’d forgotten to count that his birthday hadn’t happened yet but. yeah. proud stay moment.

apologies for any poor quality ss, my phone hates me

i hope you enjoyed anon and so again for the wait!

Masterlist

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snowhwing · 4 years

Text

Been Us

[SF9 Youngbin X Reader AU]

Genre: angst Warning: grammar inaccuracies; I am not going to write another angst for a long time after this :D Words: 7.1k

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2lrbKFX2KELIR5bFqqYIld

“I do not understand why braiding my hair is fun for you.”

Youngbin frowned when all he got from you was a slight tug on the locks that you are holding to braid his hair. Both of you are in the comfort of his family’s living room, watching the anime series that you both wanted to see so much but had to wait until school is over before taking the time to watch it. It was a Saturday afternoon. As usual, the two of you opted to spend both your time in Youngbin’s house. It has been that way since the first year of junior high school. Now, both of you are in the last remaining months of your final year.

You are sitting on the sofa while Youngbin is lounging in front of you, his back against your knees as you continue braiding his hair. You love his hair. Not that you will ever tell Youngbin that. From afar, it does not look soft at all. And worse, Youngbin sometimes style it in a messy way. But people have no idea how soft it is to the touch.

He said he will do anything for you that day because it will be your birthday on Wednesday and you took that as an opportunity to play with his hair. To run your fingers through the soft strands on the pretense that you are braiding it. Even if his hair is really not that long. Alright, fine. You have a crush on Youngbin - since that second year in junior high school when you had the worst haircut in the history of your life and got teased by your classmates to no end because who could blame them? It was really bad. Youngbin must have had enough of it then because he bought a wide handkerchief, formed it into a headband and put it on you. He told you that all the teasing annoyed him and since the two of you are always together, he might as well just do something to shut the people up. He did all those in front of all your classmates. It did silence everybody. Youngbin was the class president, then. The undisputed leader because people in class saw him as someone that is really dependable. He is. When he made that move to shut the raucous caused by your hair, the entire class closed their mouths as your heart started a new type of chaos on it’s own.

So, there’s that. But you never told Youngbin. Nor did anything to show him how you feel. Because telling him might mean losing him. You two have been inseparable for so long now and you have grown accustomed to being with him all the time that you cannot imagine what it would be like without him. Friendship is constant. And so, you will remain as a friend - his best friend.

“Any plans for Wednesday, Y/N?”

You gasped when Youngbin moved and looked up to you. His head resting on your knees. Your face inches away from his. You felt your pulse quicken and your heart thundered yet, you keep your expression impassive. How you manage to keep reins with your emotions whenever Youngbin does things still amazes you to no end. You scoffed and covered his eyes with your hand.

“I don’t know. Eat ice cream, maybe. Mom and Dad said we’ll have lunch before they depart again for Japan.”

Youngbin took your hand that’s covering his eyes and held it. “They’re leaving again, huh? No exceptions even if it’s your birthday?”

You shrugged. It’s not that you are not used to it yet. One of the reasons why you are also spending most of your time with Youngbin and his family than your own.

“Spend the night with me,” Youngbin blurted out. You only look at him like he has grown some antenna. “What I mean is… let’s go out for dinner on Wednesday. For your birthday.”

You couldn't help but smile as you gripped Youngbin’s hand tight. “Alright, then.”

As if you could even say no to Kim Youngbin.

-0-0-0-0-0-

Wednesday; 12:00 AM KST

“Sent!”

Youngbin felt a sense of happiness wash over him as he stared at the text message that he just sent over to you.

Happy birthday, Y/N. I wish that you would smile more this year. You always wear that frown of yours. You are prettier when you smile. See you later!

For the past four years, Youngbin has never failed to wish you a happy birthday at exactly twelve midnight. He does all sorts of things - played computer games, studied for tests that are not bound to happen, worked out in the middle of the night - just so he can manage to stay awake until midnight. He considers this a small effort. Small - considering all the things that you have done for him.

Youngbin relaxed on his bed as his mind drifted back to those moments he has spent with you. He is a few months older than you but being the class leader and student council president, he always has a lot on his plate and more often than not, he gets buried in things that he has to do and finish. In all those times, you stood beside him. You stayed beside him when he got crazy mad after that major event under the supervision of the students’ council went into haywire because of the organization’s miscalculation. Back then, nobody ever dared to go near him because one wrong word and he became a troll. He was so embarrassed how something like that happened under his leadership that he kept blaming himself. Then, you came, armed with a bottle of banana milk, amidst the growing tension between the members of the students’ council. He can still remember how you slammed the poor banana milk on his table, making his fellow student leaders tremble. You leaned closer to him, touched his forehead to clear away his hair and flicked his forehead three times, all the while telling him to snap out of it. He did. Of course, he did. He snapped out of his anger and laughed out loud then that his fellow student leaders got even more scared of him.

Youngbin could not imagine his life without you. He is so used to having you around. You have always been his solace. Always his calm and comfort. Sure, you get crazy sometimes and your mood swings are the worst in the world but those are nothing compared to how you have spurred Youngbin until now.

You cheered for him through his triumphs and losses. You believed in him when he doubted himself. You kept to his side and because of that, Youngbin feels like he can take on anything. He can take on anything because you are and will always be there for him. Like that time when he left home because, contrary to what people believe, being the youngest among his siblings was burdensome. He felt that he needed to catch up and be at par with what his elder siblings had achieved. It pained him and so he left home. His parents panicked and the first person they reached out to, back then, was you. Just like them, you had no idea where he went. But you joined the search party, spent sleepless nights and skipped attending school. The day you and the rest found him inside a sauna, you punched him in the face and collapsed because of exhaustion. He was beside you when you woke up. He received the biggest lecture of his life, not from his parents, but from you. You told him that feeling insecure and running away would not take him anywhere. That he can do amazing things, great things if he would stop being a ninny and start taking charge of his life. That him being the students’ body president, for two years, was proof enough that he’s amazing at what he does. From then on, Youngbin gained confidence. All because of you.

His walk down memory lane got interrupted when his phone vibrated. He looked at the caller ID and saw it’s Inseong - the vice president of the students’ council and one of his closest friends.

“Inseong-ah.”

“Man, you should know that my talent fee is really expensive. And the fact that I stayed up all night for your mushy stuff, that’s double the price.” He heard Inseong yawn. “Everything is ready. Jaeyoon and Taeyang helped out, too. You’ll be broke after this.”

Youngbin chuckled. “Alright. Alright. I will treat you guys with beef. I promise. Thank you so much for all your help, Inseong-ah. You’ve worked hard. When you get a girlfriend, I will make sure to help you, too.”

“Stop the cringe-worthy lines, Youngbin. She’s not even your girlfriend.” Inseong suddenly sounded smug. “We helped out because Y/N always saves us from your long lectures. We love her because of that.”

He shook his head. He should have known. After a few more banter with Inseong, Youngbin ended the call. He should get some sleep now. Everything is set. He vowed that he will give you the best birthday and he will make it happen.

-0-0-0-0-0-

“You have something that you need to tell me, right?”

Youngbin looked up from the slice of cake on his plate and saw you staring intently at him.

The two of you were having dinner on the rooftop that he and the rest of his friends transformed for your birthday. Youngbin prepared everything. They decorated the rooftop with fairy lights and turned it into something from a dream. Sweet music immediately surrounded you when the two of you reached the top and everything looked so perfect. The perfection that would have brought you to your knees because you have always wanted to spend your birthday with Youngbin. Sure, you have spent almost all your birthdays with him ever since the two of you became friends but those were always with yours and his family. This is the first time that you were able to spend it alone with Youngbin. The first time that there is only the two of you.

You love every single moment of it. You truly do. Earlier that morning, you arrived at school and immediately saw Inseong holding a bouquet of pink roses for you. Pink roses are your favorite flowers. During your break after your third class for the day, Jaeyoon intercepted you in the hallway and gave you a lunch box with fried chicken, kimchi dumplings, kimbap and seaweed soup in it. Those were your favorite food to eat during lunch. Halfway through your afternoon classes, Taeyang appeared outside your classroom to hand you three bottles of banana milk, all the while telling you “happy birthday”. Banana milk is your go-to drink. Therefore, you are already having the best day. The surprises did not end there, though. When you stepped out of the classroom after your last class for the day, Youngbin was already outside waiting for you. He held out his hand and you took it; ready to go anywhere Youngbin would lead you to.

However, something has been nagging you for weeks now. Something that you really have no concrete basis as to why it is making you feel on the edge and scared.

You first noticed it when Youngbin started to spend time with you more often than usual. He started picking you up at home so that both of you can go to school together; even going through the lengths of walking you to your classroom. Then, he would once again be there after every class. He has asked you to spend your free time in the students’ council office but you turned him down on that because you are not a student leader and you think that your schoolmates will finally think there is really something going on between you and the students’ organization president if you do that. Plainly said, Youngbin has been unusually clingy and as much as you love spending time with him, it bothered you because you think something is really going on. Something he is not telling you.

He gave you a slight smile that only made your heart thundered. Something is really going on. “You really know me, huh? I can never hide anything from you.”

You put your fork down and held his gaze. “I thought there is no secret between the two of us.”

He shook his head. “This is no secret, Y/N. I am just waiting for the perfect timing.”

Perfect timing? You swallowed; feeling your heart on your throat.

Then, Youngbin gave you his brightest smile. The smile that could light up an entire place. Your favorite smile. “Y/N! This is it! I am going to start training as an idol next month! Inseong, Jaeyoon and Taeyang got accepted, too!”

At that moment, all you wanted was to erase his smile.

Youngbin has always been a talented dancer. His moves were both fierce and graceful. In addition, he has a knack in writing songs and spitting lyrics after lyrics when he is rapping. Aside from being a student leader, Youngbin and his friends are all active in the school’s performing arts. Girls swoon over him whenever he is on stage during school events. Though it annoys you to no end, you understand how those girls feel about him. How can he not be a remarkable sight when he is the president of the council and at the same time, an amazing dancer?

He often told you, mostly through jokes and amidst nonsense talks, that he wanted to go to Seoul in the future. He would become an idol, get famous and, when he will have enough money, he will take you to travel to any parts of the world that you wish to see. It was a beautiful dream that he has shared with you. A beautiful dream yet, now that it is finally taking shape, you cannot bring yourself to rejoice.

Because you know that once Youngbin leaves for Seoul, your lives will never be the same again.

Youngbin saw the myriad of emotions that went through your face that day. At first, it was disbelief, shock and finally, pain. Your smile lackluster and your words robotic when you congratulated him. He felt his world collapsing.

-0-0-0-0-0-

“I think that was not the reaction that you expected to get from me, huh?”

Both of you are already sitting on the front porch of your house. Your head on Youngbin’s shoulder.

“Well, I thought you would be as happy as I am.”

There are no secrets between you and Youngbin. Well, except for how you truly feel about him. How you are so in love but you are just pretending because you do not want to lose him. Telling each other how you feel is second nature to both of you now. Both of you agreed that you are most comfortable with each other when you both let the other know how you really feel.

You sighed as you felt Youngbin’s head rests on yours. You wish you could stay like this, with him, forever.

“I am happy. I am so happy for you. I am just scared.”

“Scared of what?

“That everything will change. Your life will change for sure. Our friendship will change. Our proximity will no longer be like this. Our bond. Everything.”

He draped his arm on your shoulder as he pulled you to a hug. “Nothing will change. We are not even sure if I am going to make it on the first week of training. There will be others who are exceptional.”

“You will make it. I know you will. You are already amazing as you are now. Imagine what you will become after a proper training.”

“None of these will change, Y/N. I promise you. You will still have me, your best friend.”

The two of you did not say another word after that. You stayed inside Youngbin’s arms; afraid that if you let go of him now, you will never get the chance to hold him again. You will not hold him on that promise because you know, even now, that he will not be able to fulfill it. You just have to learn how to brace yourself when that time comes. To accept the drastic change, may it be painful or not.

For now, you vow to yourself that you would spend as much time as you can with Youngbin. You will make memories with him. Share moments with him. So that when he leaves you for his dream, you will have memories that you can keep.

Two weeks after that night, you were waving your hands to the departing train that took Youngbin to Seoul.

-0-0-0-0-0-

Few months after…

Today is one of those days when Youngbin just wants to go home. His clothes are already inside his bag. All he has to do now is storm outside, head to the train station and he will be on his way to see you.

He is thankful that there are still a few things stopping him from doing so.

Every time his body moves for a dance, the music enveloping him, he felt so much freedom. Rapping makes him feel like he can express everything, anything, and the world will know of all the emotions he keeps inside of himself. His dream is more than just getting famous. He doesn't care if he gets famous as long as he can touch hearts through his dance. The idea of starting a career in the entertainment industry soon is daunting him to no end but he wants to push through and try it out. Whether he gets to debut or not after, he will not think about that now. He wants to do it because he does not want to live a life with regrets and with so many questions as to why he did not try.

Training is hell, to say the least. Youngbin, Taeyang, Inseong and Jaeyoon started their training together. They were part of the members who would form the first boy dance group of the agency. That was enough pressure as it already is. However, the agency has another plan for them. They decided to put them through a survival program. They will battle against another group and the winning team will get the chance to debut first.

The pressure was so overwhelming. On top of that, the group decided to make him as the leader. He feels proud and honored. However, it was taking a toll on him. Now that they are close to the final battle, Youngbin is on the verge of finally calling it quits.

Apparently, his patience is something that he needs to work on whenever you are not around. A week ago, he snapped at Hwiyoung – one of their youngest members – during practice that made the younger one cry. Youngbin is one hell of a perfectionist and the pressure getting on to him was not helping at all. He was able to patch things up with Hwiyoung, though. It tears him apart that he has no choice but to be adamant on his members’ training. It pains him how they put so much trust and respect on him when he feels that he is just as lacking.

Amidst all these, Youngbin only wants to be with you.

He badly missed those times when he was tired after a long day in the council, planning for an event, and he would go straight to you. He missed sitting beside you after the exams. He missed drinking banana milk and eating kimbap with you. He missed being productive with you. He missed procrastinating with you.

You always seem to know the right words to say to him whenever he feels like snapping. How you manage to rein in his storms is still beyond him. You can temper down his flames. You can fire up his coldness.

After a few months away from you, Youngbin finally admitted to himself that he is in love with you. He needs to be near you, not because you calm him down, but because he wants to be with you. He wants to be near where his heart is. Funny how he kept on denying how he feels even to himself when Inseong nagged him to no end about it. His friend is too observant for his own good. Inseong even told him to confess to you before leaving for Seoul. Youngbin did not, though. Back then, he knew you are important to him. He knew that he could not imagine life without you but it was not enough to name it “love”. However, when he arrived in Seoul, no longer feeling your presence beside him, everything fell into place. He is in love with you.

And so, that was what spurred Youngbin until now. He vowed to continue working hard on training despite the gnawing feeling that your absence has brought him. Once everything is over, he will finally make his way back to you.

You will still be there, right?

-0-0-0-0-0-

[Y/N’s] Three years after…

You lost your best friend and the man you love.

That day when Youngbin left for Seoul, you told yourself that you would accept anything that will happen with a light heart. However, it was so difficult, painful, almost crippling.

A month or so in training, you and Youngbin were still able to catch up through phone calls at midnight or in the wee hours of the morning. You have sacrificed sleep because talking to Youngbin became more essential than sleep. He kept updating you on the ins and outs of his training life. You have memorized his training schedule like the back of your hands. When they started competing on that survival show for a chance to debut, the phone calls and messages from Youngbin became lesser. You understood, though. The fact that you can still see him on television and somehow still get updates about him got you by. Seeing him healthy made you happy. When his group won the survival battle, you had to restrain yourself not to host a victory party in your hometown. Even though you missed him badly, his triumph was a win for you, too. It made you happy that his dream is finally coming true.

Your heart got badly broken a week after their debut when you saw that all your pictures and those pictures with you and Youngbin in it are no longer in his SNS profiles. You sent him a message about it. It took him a week to get back to you. He informed you that your presence in his SNS profiles caused a stir and he has no choice but to delete all your photos together. He told you it was also for your own good. That he did that to protect you. You tried to understand him but it did not lessen the brunt of what happened. Few weeks after that, Youngbin deactivated all his SNS accounts.

You could never forget that one summer when Youngbin’s father got ill. He did not inform you that he will be visiting his family but you got a call from his mom. She told you that Youngbin is home. You were out for a business trip but you immediately took the ride going back home because you miss him badly and you just have to see him. You have not even reached the gate when his manager told you that it is not wise for people, even those who know the two of you, to see you together. Therefore, you did not get the chance to see Youngbin that day.

The change that you feared so much before was happening inevitably.

The daily conversation and phone calls between the two of you lessen and lessen until those became close to non-existent. It took a year of waiting before both of you got the chance to spend time together again. Well, you cannot really call it “spending time” but at least you got the chance to talk. Youngbin was home for Chuseok, then.

“Y/N, are you home now?” He said in a phone call. “Can we perhaps see each other?”

You reined in the loud beating of your heart. “I just got home from the temple. You can drop by if you want.”

“Okay, I will see you, then.”

You did not have to wait long because Youngbin immediately made his way to your house. It took a while before the two of you were left alone to talk because your family congratulated him and his group’s rise to popularity. All the time, you were just looking at them. When they finally let the two of you be, you led Youngbin to the back garden of your house.

“How are you, Y/N?”

It pains you how awkward he sounded. He is your best friend. He is not supposed to be this awkward around you. The distance has really left a gaping hole between the two of you.

“I told you everything will change.” You saw how Youngbin turned to look at you. “I told you nothing will be the same again.”

Youngbin took your hands, like he always did. Strange how it did not do anything to comfort you now. “Y/N, I am sorry. This distance – I know this is all my fault. The company has restrictions. I know that should not stop me but, Y/N, I am so close.” He was looking at you with so much desperation and longing. Your stomach was in tight knot when he continued. “Do you want me to give this all up and return to you, Y/N?”

Your eyes widen. He would give up everything for you? He can’t be serious now, can he?

You reached out to touch his face - like you usually do whenever you feel that Youngbin is going through a lot. Just like before, Youngbin moved closer and leaned in to your touch. “Your dream is my dream, too, Youngbin-a. How can I let you give that up?”

He reached out and cocooned you in his arms, burying his face in the crook of your neck. “But I want to dream with you, Y/N. I want to share this with you because you matter to me more than this dream does. Despite all that I did, would you believe me if I tell you that I am in love with you? Because I am, Y/N. I am in love with you. Can we stop pretending now? Can we just tell each other that we missed being together because we love each other - not as friends but more than that? You feel the same way for me, right? If you tell me to give these all up, Y/N, I will do it. I will do it without batting an eye.”

Your eyes brimmed with tears as you stroke Youngbin’s back to comfort him. “Like what I said, your dream is also my dream. How can I let the man I love give up his passion for his craft? I admit that this is hard. Really hard. But I will be with you through all these, Youngbin-a. So go back there and make me proud. Make us all proud.”

Youngbin left the next day - leaving a chaste kiss on your lips. A promise that no matter what happens, the two of you will see this through. Despite the brief reunion, your heart gained strength to continue loving him in distance. After all, Youngbin loves you, too.

It has been two years since that day. Two years since you promised Youngbin that you will stay with him no matter what. It was a futile promise. You should have known by then. Considering the separate lives that both you and Youngbin are living, the separation was something you should have expected.

It did not take long before your relationship with Youngbin surfaced on paparazzi sites and articles. His group’s fans are the nicest but most members of the media are not. Old pictures of you and Youngbin went viral online and it took a lot of effort from his agency to put those all down. It even reached a point when your father has to take you to and from work just to make sure that you arrive and leave home safely. In one of the boys’ press conferences, Youngbin was not able to escape the question thrown at him by the media about you. To not cause further uproar, his manager went down to your hometown that night and told you that the best thing you can do to support Youngbin is to let him go. So you did.

That same day after you spoke with his manager, you called Youngbin and asked him to just end things between the two of you. He did not asked you why. His tone blank. As if he was expecting it to happen. What you did tore you to pieces. It was so painful but it has to be done. You can never destroy something that he has worked hard for.

Your phone vibrated with a notification from one of your SNS account, taking you back to the present. Upon checking the notification, you saw it was from the boys’ fan club account. The schedule for 빈,us is now up. You could not help the sad smile that appeared on your lips. This has been your life for the past two years. For the past two years after you remove yourself from Youngbin’s life. You spent most of your time as his fan - as a Fantasy. You went to fan meetings, concerts and any fan events - always situating yourself where you can see him, but where he cannot see you. Fan meetings gave you the chance to meet Youngbin but you just went and never go up where he’s sitting with the members. Even all those, your all time favourite were the Monday evenings when Youngbin usually schedules his weekly segment of 빈,us - his very own show where he broadcasts himself while reading Fantasy’s concerns and giving his thoughts and advice about those. You always feel proud seeing how he connects with his fans. You feel elated whenever you see articles and posts about him being a charismatic leader. Because he is. Despite the screen and time zones separating him from his fans in Korea and around the globe, nobody can deny the fact that Youngbin emanates so much love for them. Seeing how he is now and what he has become somehow lessen the regret that you have been feeling when you let him go.

When you open your phone, Youngbin’s broadcast was about to start. You could not help but smile when you saw the number of hearts - 3 million - even before the broadcast started. Fantasy are really the best.

As if you lost all faculty of senses, your hand reached to clutch the front of your shirt when Youngbin sat in front of the camera and greeted everybody. After a week of so much stress because of work and because of the never-ending turmoil of your own emotions, you felt yourself relax and lulled by his voice. 빈,us is your weekly dose of healing; a day and time where you feel most close to him.

“Fantasy, really. You are all amazing. Thank you so much! Manager-nim told us that the tickets for Seoul concert are all sold out. We are preparing well for you so that we can give you the best stages so please wait for us and let’s all meet soon.”

You glanced at the ticket on your bedside table. When you bought that a few weeks ago, your best friend told you that you are nothing but a masochist; that you are suicidal. But since that day in junior high school, when you stood beside Kim Youngbin, you vowed that you will support him on everything and anything that he will do. And so you have and will always do. You picked up the ticket - the concert ticket for UNIXERSE Seoul.

-0-0-0-0-0-

[Youngbin’s] 3 years after… UNIXERSE Seoul D-DAY

The world would take someone precious away from you, almost making it impossible for you to survive. The world, also, lets people into your life and they would eventually become your world.

Youngbin had that bittersweet realization when he lost you but found Fantasy at the same time. He lost a big part of himself yet, he found people who would fill in a part of him that would never be filled by anybody else.

From the dressing room where he is now, he could hear the loud cheer of his beloved Fantasy from the outside. One by one, they started filling in the venue, taking their places with smiles plastered on their faces. He and the members prepared a lot for this concert since this is the kick-off for their Asia Tour. Despite all those preparations, Youngbin’s nerves are getting the best of him. He wants to give nothing but the best to Fantasy who have been loving and supporting them since day one.

He almost jumped out of his skin when Jaeyoon tapped his shoulder.

“Hyung, someone is here for you.” The younger one gestured towards the dressing room door. “She is waiting for you outside.”

“Huh? Who is it?”

Jaeyoon gave him a sad smile which confused him even more. “It’s best if you would just go and meet her, hyung.”

Her? He had already met his family earlier today when they dropped by the dressing room to cheer and congratulate him and the members. Could it be that his nuna forgot something?

On his way outside, Youngbin saw Hwiyoung untangling the wires of his in-ear piece. His little brother looked so out of it that he almost stop to check on him before heading outside. It pains Youngbin that he could not do anything for Hwiyoung’s broken heart. Brave of him to assume that he can help Hwiyoung out when his own heart breaks everytime he remembers you. Ironic how Hwiyoung is in the same boat as he has been few years ago.

Reaching the door, Youngbin looked up and froze in his place. How could he not when you are there, standing in front of him?

His eyes must be playing tricks on him. It has been years since he last saw you; years since he last spoke with you. The only reminder that you once existed in his life were the constant ache in his heart whenever he remembers your name. His best friend. His beloved. So how come you are here now, standing in front of him? He is too afraid to move. Too afraid that he is seeing a mirage, that you are standing there because his mind conjured you. He misses you like hell, that’s for sure.

You are holding a fan slogan with his name on it, their group’s official light stick and a bouquet of pink and white roses. Youngbin could really swear that he is just imagining you.

“Hello, Youngbin-a.”

A painful sound tore from his throat as he took large steps towards you and immediately took you in his arms. He felt you wrapped your arms around him. At that moment, he could swear that he is finally, finally home. Everything faded into the background. All sounds became muted. He could only feel your warmth, he is only aware of your scent, constricting his heart to the point of pain.

He no longer cared about the time and place. He will not let you go. Not anymore and not this time. If it was not for Jaeyoon who must have stepped out to check on him, Youngbin would not have let you go.

“Hyung, if you need more time to talk with Y/N, do it now. We still have an hour and thirty minutes before the concert will start.” He pointed to the open door leading to the stairwell. “Go there. I will keep watch. Manager-nim went out to buy food for us.”

He was about to grab your hand when you stepped back, one hand out to stop him.

You smiled. One that did not reach your eyes. Yes, Youngbin notice that. He fucking noticed that so he does not understand why you are doing this.

“I… I just want to congratulate you and the rest.” You gave him the flowers. He did not made any move to accept it so Jaeyoon stepped in and took the bouquet from you. Your smile faltered even more. Good. It is good to know that this is painful for you as much as it is for him.

“Jaeyoon, leave us.”

“But hyung…”

“Go and see to it that the members are ready.”

He could feel that Jaeyoon still wants to protest. The only thing that must have stopped him from doing so is the tone of Youngbin’s voice. It was the voice of their leader. The voice that he rarely uses. The last time he did was few months ago when he delivered the news about the rumor that stirred up because of Hwiyoung’s closeness to one of their staff. After that day, his little brother opted to keep things to himself and ended up in seclusion inside his music studio. Youngbin hates it when he is left with no choice but to use that tone of voice to his members. But he needs to be alone with you. He needs to set things straight with you. It has been long overdue.

“Why did you come here, Y/N?”

He saw you took a deep breath. Under the slogan that you are holding, you took out a white envelope. “I hope this will explain everything.”

He took the letter with so much resentment in his heart. “You think this would explain everything? These pieces of paper, Y/N?”

“Your manager did not leave to buy food for everybody, Youngbin. He is just on the other side of this hallway. I asked him to give me time to talk to you but I know it will not be enough.”

You stepped closer to him and reached out to place his hand on your cheek. He felt you leaned into his touch as tears swelled from your eyes. “Youngbin-a, despite everything that happened, I want you to know that I have regretted every single day that I am not with you. I made a mistake and I am so sorry for hurting you. You do not deserve the pain that I have caused you. I am so sorry.”

Youngbin held your hand when you stepped back. Not yet. You would not leave him with just that, would you? His heart breaking on the sight of you clutching the light stick to your chest as if your life depends on it. As if it is the only thing that is anchoring you to this world. “That letter contains all the things I could not tell you now. The things I should have told you before. I am not asking you to forgive me. I know this is shameless of me but I want you to please read the letter.”

Both of you looked up when you heard someone cleared his throat - manager-nim. Your time is up.

It took all his willpower for him not to drop on his knees when you took his hand and kissed it. Without looking back at him, you run outside, away from the backstage, away from him.

Youngbin-a~

I love you.

I think I should let you know that before anything else. I have been given thousands of chances for me to say those words to you but I have foolishly let those go. I should have told you that time when you saved me and my bad hair. I should have told you those afternoons we spent in you family room while watching movies. I should have told you that I am in love with you that’s why I asked to braid your hair that day before my birthday. I should have kiss you and confess to you that night when you took my hands and waltzed me for my birthday dance. I should have told you that I love you and the thought that you will leave for Seoul to become an idol that day scared me like no other.

Now, I regret every single bit of those moments that I wasted. It was bold and foolish of me to assume that you will be with me forever - that you will stay even if I would not make any move for you to do so. Because I know that if I told you how I really feel, you would have stayed. You would have given up your dream for me.

Your dreams are one of those things that I could not... would not want to take away from you. I told you they are my dreams too, remember? But, that does not give me an excuse of why I hurt you. I should have done better. You mean the world to me, Youngbin-a. Knowing that, all these time, I have been hurting the man I love is something that I have and will always regret.

I wish life would give you all the beautiful things that you deserve. I pray that you will never lose your genuine laugh. I pray that the people you are with now will stay with you forever. I know they will because it is impossible not to love you.

I will keep on supporting you from afar. Do not think of me anymore. Do not think of the girl who did not fight for you. I gave you up too easily, Youngbin. I am so sorry.

Goodbye.

An hour after, Youngbin and the rest of the boys set the stage on fire with their performances and solo stages. He bared himself and poured his heart out during the encore - to Fantasy, to you. This will be the last time that he will think of you. He swears it. His entire being just refused to accept the words that you put in that letter. It did not make any sense. None of it does. It did not make any sense when you let him go. It did not make any sense when you did not do anything to fight for him when all he wants is to fight with you. You stepped up without considering how he feels. No amount of words, nor any written or uttered apologies, would make him understand why you have easily let him go.

#sf9 #youngbin #kim youngbin #inseong #jaeyoon #dawon #rowoon #zuho #taeyang #hwiyoung #chani #youngbin x reader #fanfiction #fanfic #angst #angst fanfiction

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silver-lily-louise · 4 years

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A Whole New World - a Shadowhunters fanfic

Chapter 2 - A New (Fantastic) Point of View

Summary: In which Magnus - with the help of Disney's 'Aladdin' - clears up some discrepancies, and Alec most definitely does NOT get flustered. Credit goes to Disney’s ‘Aladdin’ for all titles so far. A/N: Towards the end of this chapter, when they're discussing how the genie in 'Aladdin' is a prisoner, there's some talk of past slavery practices regarding genies. I believe I've handled it sensitively, but please let me know if anything needs adjusting.

Chapter 1: AO3 / Tumblr Chapter 2: AO3 / or read it below!

~oOo~

When he wakes up, a part of him thinks that he must have dreamed it all. A genie? A magic lamp? It feels absurd to even consider it. This kind of thing just doesn’t happen, and certainly not to people like him.

But as he stretches, blinking the sleep from his heavy eyes and yawning cool awareness into his brain, the memories clarify, and he knows that they feel too real to be anything but. Still, after he slides on his slippers and shrugs into a hoodie to stave off the chill, he wanders into the living room, and his stomach flips when he catches sight of the lamp on the mantelpiece.

He turns to the kitchen, and Magnus is there, looking just as decadent in teal as he did in scarlet the day before. He’s leaning back in one chair, his legs propped up on a second, a heavy book in one hand and what appears to be a mimosa in the other. When Alec enters the kitchen, his eyes flick over, and a wide smile spreads across his face as he puts the book down. ‘Ah, good morning, Alexander. Hungry?’ ‘Yeah, starving,’ Alec says, feeling the beginnings of an instinctive, wondering smile on his own face.

Magnus swings himself around until he’s sitting up properly in his chair, and waves a hand across the table. Two plates of Belgian waffles, a jug of maple syrup, a bowl of chopped strawberries, and a cup of coffee appear on the table. ‘Your coffee – cream or sugar?’ Alec manages to collect himself enough to answer, though he can’t quite bring his eyebrows down from his hairline. ‘Uh, no – black’s good.’ He takes a seat opposite Magnus, helping himself to strawberries. ‘Wait, is this one of my wishes?’ he asks, mostly as a joke. He doesn’t think it would be, but what does he know about how all this works? Magnus snorts. ‘Please. As if I’d let you waste a wish on something so trivial.’ He looks at Alec, tilting his head in that same assessing way he did the night before. ‘So, you’re convinced that all of this is real now, hm?’ ‘I’m… seventy percent convinced,’ Alec allows, drizzling a thin hatching of syrup over his breakfast. Magnus beams at him. ‘My, my, a thirty percent jump in a single night? You flatter me, Alexander.’ He elbows his book gently to one side as he nabs the bowl of strawberries, and Alec glances at the cover. ‘Les Mis?’ he says. Magnus hmms an affirmative around his first mouthful of waffle. ‘I must admit, I avoided it for a long time – I tend to get a little bored when a story drags on past three volumes. But, you know. When I got stuck, and it became apparent I was in for something of an extended stay, I took the opportunity to catch up on some of the lengthier works I’d yet to read. It’s quite good – though I must say, it’s a lot… bleaker, without the rousing musical numbers to liven things up.’

They eat in a strangely comfortable silence for a while, before Alec’s curiosity gets the better of him. ‘So these… wishes,’ he says. ‘I’m a little lost. How does it all work?’ ‘Fairly much as you’d expect,’ Magnus says with a shrug. ‘You ask for something, and if it’s reasonable, I give it to you.’ ‘Reasonable like… possible? Or reasonable like ‘a good idea’?’ ‘A combination of the two – I can do many things that you may have previously considered impossible, but I have both my limits and my standards. I rarely deny wishes, but when I do, there’s always good cause for it.’

Alec mulls that over. He didn’t even know that genies could refuse wishes. Or travel. Or… well, the point is, every time he thinks he understands the situation here – ridiculous as it is – Magnus reveals something that highlights just how clueless he is. An idea forms in his head, and he clears his throat to voice it before he can chicken out. ‘You know,’ he says, ‘I think I’d feel more – prepared, for the responsibility of these wishes, if I knew more about… all of this.’ He gestures to the breakfast, to Magnus, behind him towards the lamp, before forging ahead. ‘So. With that in mind, it’s occurred to me that the only point of reference I really have is Aladdin.’ Magnus’ nose wrinkles at the mere mention of the film. ‘So I have an idea. It’s my day off, so why don’t we hang out for a while, and you can tell me everything they got wrong? Then I’ll know where I stand.’ He smiles, hoping it doesn’t come across as nervous as he feels.

Magnus frowns a little, humming in consideration as he finishes his drink. The silence stretches long enough that Alec starts to internally berate himself – you idiot, he’s a powerful magical being, he doesn’t want to ‘hang out’ with you and talk about a movie he hates – but by the time he puts down his glass, Magnus’ frown has cleared, a small smile in its place. ‘Sounds like fun,’ he says. He waves a hand, instantly clearing the table, and begins moving into the living room, where he snaps his fingers and an instantly recognisable title menu appears on the T.V.. ‘Oh – we don’t have to actually watch it,’ Alec says, back-pedalling. ‘Nonsense,’ Magnus counters, ‘it’ll be much easier to explain the mistakes as we go along.’ He settles into a corner of the couch which faces the T.V., shifting a couple of pillows behind him to get comfortable. ‘Besides, I may dislike the inaccuracies, but as I mentioned earlier, I do enjoy a rousing musical number.’ His eyes shine, almost hypnotic, as he gestures for Alec to take a seat beside him, and Alec finds himself doing so, finding that he’s suddenly incredibly thoughtful about the exact meaning of the phrase respectable distance.

The movie begins to play, and Alec tries to relax into the familiarity of it, but he’s hyper-aware of the sheer weirdness of his situation. He’s sitting there, watching Aladdin – a movie he and Jace must have seen hundreds of times as children – as a grown man in his own apartment, sitting next to an actual, dazzling, real-life, eight-hundred-year-old genie.

Jace would never fucking believe this, he thinks.

***

The first few scenes of the movie pass without much comment – apparently, Magnus’ issues with the movie don’t concern the worldbuilding. Alec’s first query comes when Aladdin starts to explore the Cave of Wonders. ‘So, question – magic carpets? Is that a thing?’ ‘They used to be,’ Magnus says. ‘They still exist, but they’re not a popular travel option these days. Too many cameras about. Before, if someone outside of the magical world spotted you, they’d likely be called crazy. Nowadays, a shot of a flying carpet would go viral in seconds, and it’s such a pain trying to keep the whole thing invisible while you’re trying to steer, too. I tried it around a decade ago, and I nearly crashed into the Eiffel Tower.’

The lamp comes into shot, and Magnus snorts. ‘Ugh. As if any self-respecting genie would reside in such a plain lamp. What’s the point of immortality if you don’t live a little?’ He waves towards his own lamp; Alec swears that it glows for a moment, and he grins. Show-off. ‘Now that,’ Magnus continues proudly, ‘is a lamp. Tasteful, not gaudy – but still decorative, still interesting to look at.’ ‘Minimalism hasn’t caught on in the magical world, then?’ Alec asks teasingly. ‘Not among genies, at least. By and large, we have excellent taste.’

Aladdin rubs the lamp, and Alec asks, ‘Another mistake?’ Magnus tilts his hand back and forth, in a gesture that says eh, sort of. ‘Technically, that would work. Sort of like how if an earthquake hit, you’d likely jump out of bed. It’s a little annoying for those of us on the other side, though.’ He turns to Alec, raising an eyebrow. ‘As you can probably guess, from how I tried to shake you off last night.’ It takes Alec a moment to remember what he means. ‘Oh, with the – oh.’ His hand moves unconsciously to the nape of his neck, and he feels sheepish. It seems so obvious now. ‘Of course. That was you. I thought it was just some weird, vibrational echo or something. Actually, I thought it might be some sort of damage to the lamp.’ Magnus chuckles. ‘Yeah, I can understand how that would make more sense to you. For future reference, though – if I’m in the lamp and you need me, asking politely works just as well as shaking my whole house.’ ‘Noted.’

Onscreen, the genie gives the rules for wish-making. ‘Two of those are accurate,’ Magnus confirms. ‘Necromancy isn’t possible without dark, dark magic, far beyond even the most powerful genies. And wishing for more wishes isn’t something any genie will grant – we’re not beholden to some sort of magical contract, wish-wise. We make an offer we think is fair, and we stick to our word.’ He rolls his eyes. ‘Most of us, anyway. There are a few rotten apples in every bushel, right?’ Alec nods. ‘Makes sense. So wishes are more like… gifts?’ ‘Exactly. It’s just a way we repay favours, or choose to make life more interesting. It’s nice using one’s powers to give someone else what they want for a change. Try it, next time you’re bored.’ Alec smiles. ‘Huh. Cool idea.’ He pauses, remembering how they got onto this topic. ‘Wait, so you can make people fall in love?’ ‘Of course. It’s honestly not that difficult – a bit of brain chemistry here, a dash of soul-shifting there, et voila. But personally, I’ve only done it once.’ ‘Why?’ Magnus shrugs. ‘It doesn’t feel right to me, usually. I wouldn’t want someone to alter my thoughts that way, to mess around with my emotions. It seems a horribly personal invasion. On the odd occasion that I’m asked to do it, I refuse. I tell the wish-maker to pick something else.’ ‘Except for one time?’ Alec prompts gently. Magnus is quiet for a moment. ‘You don’t have to tell me if you’d rather not,’ Alec assures him. Magnus shakes his head. ‘No, it’s okay, it’s just…’ He sighs. ‘The one time I granted that wish was to a young gay woman a couple of centuries ago. She was due to be wed in an arranged marriage, and she couldn’t bear the thought of spending her life with someone she knew she’d never have feelings for, no matter how kind he was. So she asked me to make her fall in love with him, and I agreed.’ He glances at Alec, briefly flashing a sad smile. ‘She was happy, after that – she went through with the wedding, their families were overjoyed, and she raised three beautiful children with a good man whom she cherished, and who cherished her in return. But I wonder, sometimes, if I made the right choice. If there wasn’t some – some great wrong, there, in helping someone to deny something so fundamental about themselves.’ He settles back on the sofa, attention returning to the screen. ‘I think about her a lot, actually. I can only pray she didn’t come to regret it; that I did a good enough job, so that she didn’t feel like something was off, or like something was missing.’

‘Hey.’ Alec reaches out, places a hand on Magnus’ shoulder. ‘She was hurting, and you did the best you could to help her. You tried to make her happy – and from what you’re saying, it seems to me like you succeeded. I don’t think that’s wrong.’ Magnus turns back to face him, and under the weight of those golden eyes, Alec suddenly becomes self-conscious, quickly removing his hand. ‘Thank you, Alexander,’ Magnus says softly. Alec nods awkwardly, and turns back to the movie, feeling Magnus’ gaze linger for a few seconds before he does the same.

By this point, Aladdin’s genie is confessing that he’s a prisoner. ‘Poor guy. No seafront visits for him, huh?’ Alec asks, trying to lighten the mood. Magnus laughs gently, and something eases in Alec’s chest. ‘No, apparently not,’ he agrees. ‘There are ways to bind a genie to their lamp, so they can only wander a little while summoned, but they went out of fashion centuries ago. Actually, that’s where our be careful what you wish for reputation started,’ he says. ‘Trapped genies couldn’t refuse requests, the same way free genies could. So instead, they started to twist their masters’ words, giving them dark shadows of what they truly wanted. As a protest, it worked wonderfully – once people realised that owning a trapped genie wouldn’t guarantee that they’d get what they wanted, demand for them fell, and the unscrupulous lot who’d been taking part in the practice realised that it wasn’t worth all the danger and effort of the binding ritual anymore.’ ‘Well, that’s good.’ He feels a little bad for making a joke of it, now, even though he hadn’t known. No-one deserved that kind of trapped half-life. ‘Yeah. It’s a lot nicer walking the earth without worrying about slavers lurking around every corner. And without any of that interference, we can go where we like. We just have to take our lamp with us.’ Alec smiles, still feeling a little somber from the heavy topic, but tickled by the thought he’s just had. ‘You’re like a really cool tortoise, then.’

Magnus turns to face him, and Alec feels himself turn red as that beautiful, genuine smile re-emerges, quickly dissolving into a hearty, raucous laugh. ‘I don’t know whether to be pleased or insulted by that, Alexander.’ ‘Hey,’ Alec says, feigning indignation even as he laughs, too. ‘I love tortoises. And I called you really cool.’ ‘You did, you did,’ Magnus acknowledges, sighing deeply as the laughter comes to an end. ‘Anyway – yes, that’s the gist of it. We’re free to wander, but we take our home with us wherever we go.’ Alec turns back to the movie, settling a little deeper into the couch cushions and tucking his legs up beside him. ‘Sounds pretty good to me.’ ‘Yeah,’ Magnus says quietly. ‘It is.’

The rest of the movie passes too quickly, the familiar story interspersed with occasional bouts of warm, comfortable conversation. ‘By the way,’ Magnus says, shortly after Aladdin is thrown into the sea. ‘If at any point during our little agreement, I find myself in a position to save your life, I won’t make you use one of your wishes for it.’ He winks. Alec chuckles, and hopes it isn’t obvious that his heart rate has just doubled. ‘Very kind of you.’

~oOo~

#shadowhunters #shadowhunters fanfic #malec #malec fanfic #malec au #genie!magnus #mine #slavery mention #food cw #alcohol mention #let me know what you think! I'm really enjoying writing this ^^

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seecourtneytravel · 6 years

Text

September 19, 2018

Tabontabon Rural Health Clinic

I woke up (shocking I know) at like 0600 to make sure I was out of the house by 7am. I felt like one hour should be good enough to go to the Tabontabon Rural Health Clinic for my first real day at the location. I’m currently scheduled to arrive at this clinic Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 8am to 12pm. And then at the Leyte Provincial Hospital Tuesdays and Thursdays 8am to 12pm. Four hours a day for 5 days a week. Plus the commute time for just today going to the clinic is at least 1 hour… so I thought..

I arrived almost an hour late. Here’s how. I did my usual transportation from “Escina Bliss” to the Tanauan farmers market (30 minutes on jeepney). Once arrived there, I hopped on a tricycle to take me to the rest of the way to Tabontabon. The tricycle refused to leave until it had more passengers. Across from me was a friendly woman that was talkative even though she was not confident in her English. She held a baby in her hands that looked less than a year old and appeared to have been delayed. The baby was calm, not fussy, was okay being in his mom's arms for long periods of time. His eyes had nystagmus and his right arm was contorted with a constant fist. The Mother was so high spirited, patient, and calm. Nobody moved for over 40 minutes. Even they’re being a baby on board waiting to get to their home and out of the heat, the tricycle would still not budge.

Filipino Moms

I notice all moms here are resilient. They have their child 100% natural and would carry them probably until they can finally walk. My house sister, Arlyn is 25 with a 6 month old a 4 year old. Being here for a week, I have not once see her upset or impatient with her kids. She is always holding and rocking her 6 month old without tire. The baby never cries but just has smiles and then bigger smiles. It’s another amazement to see a house with two kids but no toys. No bouncers or a high chair. No iPad or endless entertainment for the 4 year old. The mothers and their children are simply resilient.

After another passenger boarded we finally made our way to Tabontabon. The next passenger was an 18 year old that looked 13. Her english was also also on the so so side but she smiled and conversed with me as much as she could. Again, always with a smile.

I was on the motorised tricycle for thirty minutes. My back was against a metal bar that was vibrating like crazy during the ride making it itch. I couldn’t keep my head on the inside of the domed portion as I sat in the back, because I was too tall. The tricycles are a lot of fun for short rides, not really ideal for my commute but there was no other way unless I wanted to pay triple the cost and grab a ride from a motorcycle.

I walked into the clinic on my own and was ushered into the back room by a staff memeber. I walked in on a meeting and their were about 20 or 30 people crammed into a small room. They sat me in a chair in the center and the head doctor asked me a ton of questions to answer in front of all the staff in the clinic. The basic questions and curiouslities like: Where are you from? Where do you work? How long? Almost like an interview. They always ask if I’m married and I have to break the news that I would need to have a boyfriend first for that. They all gasp in shock, giggled and Ooo-ed. I made a few jokes to make an ice breaker saying I was looking for my 90 day fiancé because I’m not getting any younger. Everyone laughed.

I was excused from the room as they finished their meeting. I changed clothes and started shadowing a clinic nurse. It felt like a high speed clinic or urgent care. She would get the vital signs, weight, and complaint. They would have their charts that would be clustered together by family name. The nurses write on a blank sheet of paper the date and complaint almost like it was a scrap paper but it was part of the charts. They would chart in English and communicate to the patients in waray- waray. I was advised by the head doctor to just observe today.

The community in tabontabon could not speak English and were typically too inland for schools and the atmosphere to have it in their curriculum. The patient population is super high in pregnant woman, babies, and kids.

One of the patients seen first by the nurse was a 1 year old with a fever. This was the first time I could see the nurse was allowed to act before having a doctors order. Whereas in the hospital was a little different. The nurse said to me? “We are advised to give paracetamol when a child comes in with high fever.” I looked at the box and didn’t recognise it but apparently it was their Tylenol. I was trying to do the math with the nurse to figure out dose calculation. I’m not sure why I couldn’t wrap my head around it but I couldn’t figure out why and how she got her numbers. I’m so used to setting up a math problem in a cross division sort of way, but apparently I have to hit the dose calculation books again because I felt pretty slow at this point. The box read 250mg/5ml, then it only gave the recommended dosing for age groups. The nurse explained to me that the patient weighs 7kg and the constant is 15. I was sitting there wondering.. (what the hell is a constant…. it’s not written on the bottle..). I tried the equation my cross division way and couldn’t get the answer. I asked her why 15? She just said because it’s the constant. I figured I would return to this problem when I have down time because I was obviously over thinking. Maybe it’s like the number 9 in our Tpa formula..

Anyways- she took the baby and mom to the front of the line with a basin of ice water for the mom to help cool the baby down. I said, “that’s a good idea, we typically don’t do that.” I think some of my side comments made America’s practice seem a little lazy in a way, but they were just general comments. Some responses I would get a gasping “really!” with eyebrows raised. But I was trying my best to internalise my own expressions with some differences I noticed in their practice. Now I’ll probably add cool wash clothes to my febrile baby patients. Sounds easy, but at times the little things can be overlooked. I’m so used to putting cold packs to the armpit or groin to an elderly patient. But babies are not my forte.

From initial assessment we headed to exam area. Here, I sat in the exam room where two medical residents took patients as they came. Both doctors were woman in their 30’s but looked like they were in their 20’s. They assessed, examines, and wrote prescriptions as if it was the triage nurses and PA’s would in triage at our home hospitals in the U.S. One baby came in with crackles. The doctor advised she should be placed on oxygen and have a breathing treatment. The doctor did a lot of the manual work and treatments in the room with a midwife assist. Equipment was scarce but they made due with the supplies they had to treat the baby to an improved condition.

I asked about why I was seeing so many midwives. I have not heard of any nurse practitioner here thus far as well so I feel as if their are different levels of care. I have seen nurses, midwives and doctors only. In the U.S., I believe being a nurse practitioner and then deciding to be a medical doctor is a very long path. The Philippines are required to be either a midwife or nurse first before being a doctor. This is all information that I’ve gathered being here during lunch room small talk and can have some inaccuracy.

The day was long as I sat there and heard constant convos in Waray-waray. It became the afternoon and I had lunch with the two residents. They reminded me of my American Filipino friends back home but they have never been to the U.S.. I talked with them asking how I could help or make a difference here because it seemed over staffed. I stated my concerns, stating that I thought my “hands on” experience won’t be used as much here. I also haven’t had a chance to explore the community with the staff as well. They go out into the community and teach preventive medicine and give vaccines. I also asked what supplies they needed because I noticed that was also an issue. Especially at the hospital, where it appeared to be dramatically under supplied and staffed.

I imagined myself going home and asking my nurse managers from the hospitals I’ve worked in to not throw away unused or expired supplies because they could have use in other areas of the world like the Philippines. We have so much waste but manage to know how to waste it (if that makes sense). I imagined If gloves were suddenly readily available in the Philippines they would either not use it based off of habits of practice or not know how to dispose of it. I imagine medical waste would end up in the street, untouched landfills I’ve see here, or even worse- in the ocean. So their was that boggling in my head.

After talking and eating with the doctors they took me back to the head doctors office so I could address my concerns. She basically asked me what my expectations were and I said to be more hands on. But that would just take away one of their staff members to watch over me or to translate for me. The resident mentioned that I thought about what items were needed to the head doctor. She said that most items get differed to the bigger hospital when donated and usually they are fine on their basic supplies at the clinic. Just another reminder of how Filipinos are resilient.

I left the office a little discerned like this may be more shadowing and I won’t be as hands on as I thought. There are nursing staff that do go out to the community to help with vaccinations and preventative medicine. I still need to see that here so there may be more to look forward to.

When I returned I asked Jude if I could maybe switch my days and maybe be at the hospital Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and only two days at the clinic. They said that would not be a problem.

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dontbethatshank · 7 years

Text

New Beginnings

Request: Request where Gally and Y/N were good friends in the maze, always kind of liked each other but kept it as a secret and no one else had any suspicions, but when they get to paradise Gally and Y/N become a couple? Fluff? Thanks!

Note: Please, ignore whatever you have read or watched. I have created my own... plot? How I imagined this unfolding led me in a different direction than the plot would have in the books. SO just enjoy - I am sorry if anyone is upset due to the inaccuracies of the plot.

“Just.. a little bit... further,” Thomas encouraged, his breathing labored and his body strained. It had been hours. Brenda, Thomas, Gally, you, and few others straggled along. Paradise was already here, within reach, but civilization lingered in the near distance, keeping a nice long arm’s length away from the destruction the rest of the world faced. Gally’s hand found yours, pulling you with him as you fell back. Paradise was so close. A new life was within reach. A promise of a better tomorrow was whispered in your ears. And you wouldn’t let it go - couldn’t let it go. So you sucked in a breath, trudging along with everyone in front of you and Gally’s hand wrapped around your wrist.

“Gally!” you squealed, “What are you doing?!” Gally grinned mischievously and pulled you along. He had pulled you away from your work with Frypan, explaining that you were needed for a ‘special’ project. You just rolled your eyes, and let the boy pull you along with him. Hidden away in the deadheads, leaned against a large, thick tree and balanced on some wooden planks and a large boulder, stood a tiny tree house. With a small gasp, you squealed happily. “You said it was one of the only things you could remember... so I decided a memory that was special enough to stick through all of this deserved to be re-created,” Gally said, smiling as you already ran forward to climb the uneven wooden planks made to be steps nailed into the tree, pulling on the rope that hung down to help pull yourself up.

Arriving outside the city was surreal. Men and woman walked around with weapons adorning their bodies. Entering the city boundary was like a wave of relief crashing over everyone. The group felt happiness wash over them and seconds later were greeted by a woman, skin dark, long hair pulled back into a high ponytail, and thick, dark clothing wrapping up her body. “Hello, I’m Aria, and welcome to our city - Horizons,” the girl, Aria, greeted them, her arms lifting in greeting. Thomas thanked her, Brenda grinned wildly and complimented the knife she adorned on her shoulder in a small pouch, and everyone just chatted animatedly You just offered up a tired smile and mumbled words of appreciation. Gally squeezed your hand, smiling at you with reassurance This was the start of a new life. And Gally was beside you, starting with you.

Gally came in, another large gash adorning his bicep. With a sigh, you started to stitch up his arm, washing it out before hand, earning a hiss from the tall builder. “What did you do this time?” you mumbled. You were pulled from the kitchen, asking you to stitch the builder up. Gally got too violent with Clint when he tried, but Gally was always restrained with you around. So here you were, cursing him as he squirmed too much. “Fell onto a saw,” he mumbled. You accepted the answer, more questions coming into mind but none worth asking. The others got used to it - most just thought that Gally didn’t want to hurt a ‘girl’ or something like that. He was still brash with you, he still challenged you to a fight every bonfire, sometimes throwing you on the ground when you drank too much and accepted. He still cussed you out when he was angry - he was just gentler, and that was all the others saw. But Gally knew better. And you had hoped better. But neither of you said differently.

“Here, go wash up, get changed, and we’ll give you some food. Tonight we celebrate,” Aria said, smiling joyously. “Celebrate what?” Gally asked, curiously and a bit wearily. “We always celebrate when we have new brothers and sisters join us once their escape from the Flare. We celebrate survival, family; everything,” she explained, humming happily. The others accepted this and so did Gally, who simply nodded. Once you were handed your bundle of clothes and shown to a large, metal bucket filled with warm water in a private room, you sighed with a blissful sense of happiness. You hadn’t showered in awhile, the grim building on your skin and sweat building in layers on your scalp from the sun. You stripped, allowing your body to sink into the large metal tub of water, soap scrubbing away your filth and grim, and also some of your fears. “We made it,” you mumbled to no one, and yet it still brought a wide cracked grin onto your face. It was like a dream, and you never wanted to wake up - even if it wasn’t true. You wanted to die in the blissful dream that was your current reality.

“Come on! Keep up,” you giggled happily, running into the deadheads, Gally following behind you, confused as to why you had woken the poor boy up at nearly 3 Am. “What?” you mumbled, sleepily. He hadn’t even been allowed to pull on a shirt as he was only in some pants in his hammock, deep in sleep. You climbed up on the boulder that the treehouse balanced on, pulling him by his hand, encouraging him to join you. Laying on your back, you looked up, humming to encourage Gally to join you.And he did. His breath slowed as he looked up. “It’s... beautiful,” he mumbled. “I never actually looked up at night,” he later admitted, once the silence had settled around you both. “God... it’s so beautiful,” he whispered again. “So beautiful,” you echoed, except your eyes fell to the side, admiring the builder's hard lined jaw, his freckles dusting over his neck and collar bones, all the way to his face and chest. you acknowledge each and every curve, dip, and line on his face and chest. And yes, it was definitely very beautiful.

Once showered and dressed you were given some food and a bottle filled with cool water. You sat on a chair with the others around you, eating happily as the chatter grew. New friendships began to form, new people, introduced themselves, and new stories were heard. Gally took a seat on the floor next to you, laying his head against the chair and your thigh as he ate, sighing happily. You absentmindedly gently patted his hair, curling the ends around your fingers briefly. “Ready for the celebration tonight? I hear there are going to be fireworks and more food,” Gally asked, glancing up at you. You smiled and shrugged, looking off and out to the street/walking area where more people passed by. “I’m just happy we’re here, really,” you replied, losing yourself in the noise and vibrations of the entire place. Your body just seemed to settle in so easily. It was surreal.

After too much to drink and several of your friends telling you to go to bed, Gally was chosen to drag you off to said destination and tuck you in. You grabbed his hand, skipping - or trying to at least - and giggling happily. “Gal pal, my favorite pal,” you sang, stopping in front of him as you grinned widely. Gally laughed, shaking his head. “Y/N, Y/N, the shuckiest shank in this whole shank place,” he sang back, laughing at your wide, sparkling eyes. “Gally,” you hummed, arms outstretched, looking at him. Silence. You both stood silently in front of one another. Gally looked at you, confused. You smiled at him and then, in a matter of seconds, leaned forward, kissing him. It was, mind numbing. You both felt glued in the moment, nothing else around you. There weren’t explosions or the like... but there was just a fleeting moment of pure bliss, something that neither of you had ever felt. But then Gally pulled back, shaking his head, and your heart broke. “No, Y/N, this isn’t right. You... you drank too much, you need to sleep,” he replied to the action. And that’s what happened. You went to bed. For awhile at least.

You had made your way up to a small balcony above the original room you once occupied with the others. The night became dark and everyone was drinking, eating, dancing - living. You leaned on the unsteady, wobbling rail that was lining the balcony. You looked up at the sky, admiring the stars. You heard that fireworks were to start soon and wanted a good, clear view. But soon you were joined, the already unstable railing squeaking and becoming even more unstable than before. Gally stood next to you, joining you in your mission to clearly and fully see the celebrations about to happen. “Hey... Y/N..?” Gally suddenly asked, looking up and to the side, searching for your eyes to meet his, and you did, humming in response. “Do you... do you remember when we kissed, that night in the Glade?” he asked, softly. And yes, how could you forget. “Yes, I do,” you murmured, “why?” And Gally looked back at the sky, now avoiding your eyes as he looked off to study the sky. “Do you remember the kiss... afterward?” he asked, and yes, you remembered that also. A smile came to your lips, remembering the kiss.

After putting you to bed, Gally came creeping back in, hours later, and you were already awake, and he was now sitting on your bed. And you were both confused and happy, the alcohol now settling and your head a bit less high up in the sky.

“I meant that,” he mumbled. And you scrunched your eyebrows up, but soon understood, and your heart came to a stop and you had to pause to really think it all over.

Gally had come over and sat on your bed. “I wanted to kiss you, I really wanted to... and I still do,” he mumbled to you, your body now sitting up in bed. “Then... why don’t you?” you asked quietly, looking at him, the alcohol less obvious and less of a guiding force on your actions. And so he did, he leaned over, his lips pressing into yours, and the surprising softness of his lips brushing against your oddly chapped ones was something to make you gasp quietly. And Gally just kept going, he kept kissing and you kept happily returning. Pulling back, he rested his forehead against yours. “God... I really, really love you. I love you so much,” Gally mumbled, and you froze. Your body stiffened, your eyes opened back up, and everything just froze. You were... shocked. You didn’t not return the sentiment, but... you were shocked. You half expected this kiss to be one that was given out of Gally’s own newfound drunkenness. But before you could voice this, to reply, he was gone. your bed cold in his spot and your body lonely. “I love you too,” was all you said, staring out the window and to the sky.

“I never got to reply,” you mumbled and Gally looked at you curiously. “Can we... can we restart that? DO it again? Have another chance..?” Gally asked you and that was all you needed to hear to turn to the side, hand on the rail while the other came up to cradle the side of Gally’s jaw, and for you to easily push your lips against his like it was natural. And just like the times before, it came almost too naturally. And just like the movies, with the most amazing timing, the fireworks went off. The lights were bright and so beautiful. And the moment was even more beautiful. Gally’s hand made it to your neck and the other found its way down to your hip. And just like the times before, your mind became numb and your bodies became ecstatic with energy.

“You think we’ll ever be able to start over?” you asked Gally, both of you sitting in the treehouse, staring out the window, neither of you really paying attention to anything in particular. “What do you mean?” Gally asked you, his eyes glancing over at you, your features now more exaggerated as they became highlighted by the moonlight. “Like... do you ever think we’ll get a second chance? Outside the Glade? Outside the Maze? Just...a life,” you explained, sighing at the end. You were tired and washed out. Your words were sluggish and slow, dripping from your lips like a thick batch of honey, smooth and slow. Gally knew you wouldn’t be awake long, and as you spoke you seemed to fall unconscious. “I hope I get a new beginning, a new life, and I hope I get to share it with you,” Gally replied, looking out at nothing in particular.

“I hope my new beginning starts with you.”

A/N: I am so sorry for the lateness. My original draft of this was so much more amazing... I am still so angry about it so I do admit I rushed through this a bit. Sorry for the suckiness of it. Hopefully, my next works won’t disappoint!!!

#tmr #mazerunner #gally #au #paradise #fanfic #fanfiction #gally fanfic #gally imagine #imagines #preferences #imagine #preference #tmr imagine #tmr imagines #tmr preference #tmr preferences

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erraticfairy · 5 years

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Podcast: Sexual Side Effects Caused by Psychiatric Medications

It’s common knowledge that psychiatric medications are prone to sexual side effects. It’s often referenced in the advertising. Since most people living with mental illness want to be both happy and have a satisfying sex life, this creates a bit of a quandary

Are the two things mutually exclusive? What does a person on psychiatric medications do when the cure seems worse than the illness? Listen in to find out now!

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“The sexual side effects of [psychiatric] medications are the number one reason people stop taking them.” – Gabe

Highlights from ‘Medication Sexual Side Effects’ Episode

[1:25] Let’s talk about masturbation.

[4:00] The frustrations of psychiatric medications and our sex lives.

[10:00] How to resolve sexual side effects.

[13:30] Gabe’s unmedicated sex drive versus his current sex drive.

[17:00] Should you talk to your partner about sexual issues caused by medication?

[19:30] Women should not be embarrassed to talk to their doctors about sexual side effects.

[22:00] Women vs. men when it comes to handling sexual issues.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Sexual Side Effects Caused by Psychiatric Medications’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Here are your hosts, Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: You are listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast with me, Gabe, who has bipolar.

Michelle: And I’m Michelle and I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: And we have a new addition to the show, ever since we started, we have had a producer and we make our producers not talk because Michelle and I.

Michelle: We can’t stop talking.

Gabe: I Don’t know. Yeah, we’re control freaks. But apparently there’s like a union she wants to talk. So introducing to the show, I guess to talk now, our producer, Lisa.

Lisa: Hello.

Michelle: Hello, Lisa.

Lisa: I don’t actually want to talk. I just need you all to talk better.

Gabe: We don’t want her to share her opinion or be like a person because it’s really about Gabe and Michelle. But she thinks that she has ideas to make the show better.

Michelle: Yeah. Um-hmm.

Gabe: And, you know, things being what they are.

Michelle: We’re letting her in, just gonna let her.

Gabe: We decided.

Lisa: This is going to be the best show you’ve ever had.

Michelle: We’re trying our best. We’ve got a lot of fun stuff to chat about today, Gabe, don’t we?

Gabe: We do, Michelle. Let’s talk about masturbation.

Michelle: Let’s talk about masturbation, you want me to start with this, Gabe?

Gabe: Well, let’s do just a slight bit of setup so that we don’t whiplash the audience, because I think I’m not 100 percent sure, but I think people who don’t have mental illness also masturbate. I’m not sure because I’ve always been mentally ill and I’ve always masturbated.

Michelle: I think everyone masturbates, Gabe.

Gabe: What did they say, that there was a survey out there and determined there was two types of people, those who masturbate and those who lie about it.

Michelle: Yes, agreed on that one.

Gabe: But what we’re specifically.

Lisa: That was Jocelyn Elders. Sorry, but it was.

Gabe: No, no, say it again.

Lisa: That was Jocelyn Elders. She was the surgeon general at the time.

Gabe: Oh, we are so glad that you have facts. That’s what the show has been missing.

Lisa: I could give you the actual percentages. Or not, whatever.

Gabe: All right. What are they?

Lisa: I think I was 86 and like 92. And the rest lied.

Gabe: Ninety two percent lied?

Lisa: No, 86% of women say that they masturbate and 92% of men. And the rest lie.

Gabe: That is absolutely fascinating.

Lisa: I feel like I really contributed.

Gabe: You know what I like about having Lisa on the show now? Michelle and I, instead of hating each other, we now collectively hate you. Welcome.

Michelle: I don’t hate Lisa. What are you talking about? Why are you dragging me into this?

Gabe: Because you’re supposed to be on my side. Whenever there’s a fight you’re supposed to be.

Michelle: We’re just talking about jerking off. We’re talking about jerking off. You know, wanka this, wanka that, wanka all the time.

Gabe: I now have a better understanding of why you miss so many deadlines. Specifically this show is about the sexual side effects of psychiatric medications. We just tabled it by masturbation because that’s really how people figure it out the most. At least that’s been Gabe and Michelle’s experience. We’ve been fine. We’ve had issues. And we’re working this problem out all by ourselves. But we found out that it was very common. The sexual side effects of medication are really the number one reason that people stopped taking their medication.

Michelle: Absolutely, right. Because, as you have said, Gabe, before, dicks a flopping, not a fun time.

Gabe: But what we’re specifically talking about here is not when it’s just gone, you know, obviously if I’m having erectile dysfunction, there’s no attempt to resist. I’m looking down. Nothing’s happening. My mom has now turned this episode off and we can really get into the meat and potatoes pun intended of this conversation. But what happens when it’s when it’s not quite there, it’s not quite gone. You know, so like in male parlance, it’s semi hard.

Michelle: Well, the thing is, before psych meds, things that used to take three minutes, now take 30 minutes and it’s very frustrating and it’s not fun and it’s just not easy. So you have to expand into some sort of vibrational toy. And, Gabe, you

Gabe: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Michelle: You know, I’m just saying I was just saying in a sexual experience, if we’re gonna talk about masturbating, that, you know, with yourself is always quicker. But when you take psych meds, you know, your hands ain’t going to do what they used to do. You have to come in with a vibrational toy, which is gonna be much more handy for yourself. And when you’re with a partner, well, you see what I’m saying, Gabe, because this all came about when I texted Gabe and said, Gabe, I’m going to come out with a vibrator and I’m going to brand it and it’s going to be the best vibrator for everyone who’s on psych meds. And you were like, well, what about the other vibrators that are supposed to be the best?

Gabe: No, no, no, no, you are telling the story way wrong. So first, let’s set the scene.

Michelle: Ok, let’s set the scene, OK? You don’t like how I’m telling the story, Gabe?

Gabe: No, you tell the story God awful. First, let’s set the scene. Focus on the middle aged man in his robe, sitting on his couch watching the People’s Court at like 130 a.m. in the morning. And my phone, it goes off. Bing! And I look down and there’s a text message from Michelle and Michelle says, “I want to invent a vibrator for psychiatric patients.” And I said, What? And she goes, “You know, a vibrator for crazy people.” And I said, What? Why would a vibrator need to be different for crazy people? And Michelle said, “Well, you know, it’s stronger so that you can push through.” And then she tells me how she used to be able to climax. That’s not her word. But again, we’re trying to have some decorum around this subject.

Michelle: Decorum.

Gabe: She used to be able to climax in three minutes. And now it’s taking 30. Now, listen, I have been told all of my life that climaxing quickly is bad. So I’m not understanding what the problem is. But Michelle assures me that this is problematic for her. And she says that she wants to invent a vibrator that is so strong it can help a woman who is on psychiatric medication climax quickly.

Michelle: The best idea ever, is it not the best idea ever? It’s the best idea in the whole world? I think so. I think I should come out with it. But then Gabe tells me what?

Gabe: It’s already been invented. It’s called the magic wand.

Michelle: So what do I do at 130 thirty in the morning? Go on Amazon and buy the magic wand.

Gabe: My favorite part is when you texted me back and said. “This motherfucker plugs in?”

Michelle: Yeah, you got to plug it in to get the most power. What kind of thing

Gabe: Well, yeah.

Michelle: Is that? You can’t use it in the shower or the bath. You gonna get electrocuted

Gabe: What the hell is happening? You wanted this thing to be strong enough to push through the psychiatric medications and you wanted this to be done on, what, a couple of C batteries?

Michelle: You charge it and then it’s good to go. I don’t know why you have to plug it in and then the cord. Hopefully you got like an extension cord or you have a surge protector that’s near the bed. What if the cord is just not long enough? You know what, if the cord isn’t long enough?

Gabe: I don’t know.

Michelle: What if the cord is not long enough? You plug this thing in? And then what do I know? Next week in the mail, this gigantic box comes. This thing is gigantic. I think I should still come out with my own. And it’s gonna be specifically branded for people on psych meds because we spoke about it before. Gabe, when you’re on psych meds, your sex drive is so much harder. Oh, pun intended to make you actually climax. It is way harder. You know, Gabe.

Gabe: The pun is wrong, though, it’s not so much harder. It’s so much softer,

Michelle: Oh, yes.

Gabe: Which is the problem.

Michelle: Well, that was a bad pun on my thing, but I mean, I tested this. I used it. It’s good, but there can be a better one and I’m gonna make it.

Gabe: Wait. Ok. All right. OK, so. So wait a minute, you get the vibrator. It’s gigantic in a box. You open it up. You take off all the packing material. Do you do an unboxing video?

Michelle: I didn’t do an unboxing video. No, not for that. No, I

Gabe: You might lose your millennial card.

Michelle: I might.

Gabe: But anyways, you take it out of the box, you plug it in?

Michelle: Ta-da!

Gabe: So it worked?

Michelle: Well, they all eventually work. It’s just how well do they work? They all vibrate. All vibrators do vibrate. But how well do they vibrate?

Gabe: How well did it vibrate?

Michelle: I’ve used better.

Gabe & Lisa: Really?

Michelle: Yes.

Lisa: What kind? Do you have a brand name for that one?

Michelle: I don’t know the brand.

Lisa: Then how good could it be?

Michelle: I was with somebody else.

Gabe: Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. You had a vibrator that wasn’t doing the job, you bought a different vibrator. You’re saying that that one doesn’t do the job,

Michelle: No.

Gabe: But then you say that you know of this magical vibrator that’s better, but yet you were using the one that you didn’t think was better.

Michelle: Because that vibrator.

Gabe: There’s only two choices here.

Michelle: The one that I used that was better, was not my vibrator.

Gabe: Ok. That’s just disgusting.

Lisa: No it’s not.

Michelle: So I was in it. I was in a situation.

Gabe: You were in a situation?

Michelle: I wasn’t, I was in a situation, you know, so now you know, you’re here, you’re there, you’re with this, you’re with that. Hey, look what I got here. Brrrrrrr. Brrrrrr. You know?

Lisa: I know exactly what you’re saying.

Michelle: I’m saying I was in a situation and, you know, and that one was better. Whatever it was, it was smaller too. Dude, this thing, looks like it came from like, who know is this this thing of the land looks like a back massager, motherfucker.

Gabe: Michelle, sincerely, all joking aside, this is a concern. This is a legitimate concern where people who are on psychiatric medications to stay well, because listen, living with schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, psychosis, that is shit. But you know what else is shit? Not being

Michelle: Right.

Gabe: Able to have an orgasm. And I wish that we could just solve the problem. All joking aside, by buying magic wands off Amazon, I wish that we could say to all people who are having sexual side effects because of psychiatric medications. Hey, just buy a magic wand and you’ll be fine. But that was probably ridiculous and hopeful thinking from the get go as fun as this story has been.

Michelle: I agree. At one point I was put on an antidepressant generic and I couldn’t arrive at all. I told my doctor and you said, oh, well, take this one, it’s the same one, but it’s not the generic. I said, is it really going to be different? He goes, Well, they’re not the same. So I switched to the name brand and then I could arrive. So there are a little tweaks you can make, but I would like to say that even though it takes me a much longer time, I’d much rather be on my psych meds than to not be on psych meds and have three minutes.

Gabe: It is kind of like a shitty choice that people have to make because we’re dealing with our sex lives and many of us are young. And when I say young, I don’t mean 20. I mean young 30, 40, 50. We’re sexual creatures. We want to have sex. Sex is fun. We should have as much sex as humanly possible, whether it’s by ourselves or with a partner. And it’s good. It’s good.

Michelle: It’s good. Yeah, yeah.

Gabe: And then this medicine comes and takes it away.

Michelle: I like good sex. I like good sex. You like sex. Everybody likes good sex. So if you need a little help, you need a little help. What’s wrong with that? That’s why I’m going to make the best vibrator there ever was for psych meds. Just wait for it. What should I name it, Gabe?

Gabe: Bullshit 101? I don’t know. There’s no such thing as a magic vibrator that can fix sexual dysfunction caused by psychiatric medications.

Michelle: But I can try my best.

Gabe: You could try your best.

Michelle: Is this an irrational thought that I’m having right now? Because I think it’s necessary. I do think it’s necessary.

Gabe: I don’t know that it’s an irrational thought as much as I think that it’s wishful thinking. Here’s what you want. Don’t don’t try to make a joke. Be honest. You want your psychiatric medications to keep you mentally well and healthy and you want to have a great sex life.

Michelle: Yes.

Gabe: And you think the solution to that is the magical vibrator that you were going to invent?

Michelle: Yes.

Gabe: That’s the part that’s batshit crazy. There is no such thing as a magical vibrator that’s going to fix this. We’ve got to look for other ways to solve this problem.

Michelle: What are the other ways, Gabe? Teach me, teach me the ways.

Gabe: Michelle, I don’t really think of you that way, I think of you more as a friend.

Michelle: Oh, I see. OK. OK. I need a better lover. Is that what you’re saying?

Gabe: No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I mean, maybe, maybe, but

Lisa: Elaborate on that at length.

Michelle: Yeah, elaborate on that, Gabe. What do I need, Gabe?

Gabe: We’ll be right back after we hear from our sponsor.

Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist, whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Michelle: And we’re back having a chit chat about sexual side effects.

Gabe: Look. But before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, when I was 16, 17, 18, 19 years old, I could have sex in under three minutes with multiple partners and with myself constantly. No problem. A brisk wind would allow me to arrive.

Michelle: What kind of man wants to have sex in three minutes? Men aren’t supposed to have sex in three minutes.

Gabe: I’m not saying that we should or should not. I’m just saying that when I was younger, I could get an erection quickly, I could arrive quickly, and I had a really quick refractory period where I could then have sex again quickly. None of these things exist now that I’m 43. Some of that some of that is because of the psychiatric medications. But some of it is also because I’m 43. So when I say get a better lover, I’m not insulting any of the people who you are having sex with. I’m saying that as we age, we have to adjust the ways in which we have sex again. The way that I had sex at 20, while hypersexual, basically was just I don’t even know it was it was a thing of magic. Didn’t even have to get undressed. It was so quick. And now there’s like some work. You know, foreplay is important.

Michelle: Are you saying that I’m not doing any foreplay?

Gabe: Once again, nobody is insulting you. I’m curious as to why you are taking this so personally. It’s almost like you know that you’re selfish in bed.

Michelle: I’m not selfish in bed. What are you talking about? That has nothing to do with me and my sexual functioning. Me doing any foreplay on anybody else. So you’re saying like I’m a selfish lover and it’s all about me. I’m just trying to make a great experience for everyone involved, including myself. And I want the world, I want the world to have a great experience. The world’s.

Lisa: Okay, wait, I have an idea. Let’s turn this question over to the listeners. If you are sitting out there listening to this show, and you have had sex with Michelle, email us at [email protected] and tell us how she did. Maybe throw in a numerical rating and any feedback you might have.

Gabe: That’s cruel. That is just so cruel.

Michelle: Please do. That would be great because I’ve never handed out any comment cards with a one through five rating or a little section for additional comments, so I would love to know what other people think I do in bed and how it really, really is. So let me know. Email [email protected]. Am I good in bed or am I bad?

Gabe: This is terrible because I’m the one that checks that email address.

Lisa: I desperately want to read these emails.

Michelle: Listen here, people. And if you have had sex with me, was it before or after psych meds?

Lisa: Oh, that’s a good one. That’s a good one.

Gabe: How would they know?

Lisa: Well, they could give approximate dates.

Michelle: Approximate. Include approximate dates.

Gabe: Like you’d remember.

Lisa: And then you could do a side by side of which one is better. I love this plan. This is a good experiment; I love this experiment.

Michelle: And then I will rate the person who rated me, you know?

Lisa: I like it. It’s like eBay back in the day where you wouldn’t leave feedback unless someone left you feedback first. I get that.

Gabe: I like having Lisa on the show because she references things that are long gone that nobody will understand.

Lisa: I loved eBay. It was so much better before it went corporate.

Michelle: I’m proud.

Gabe: Obviously, I don’t think a whole bunch of people are going to e-mail us, but it illustrates the point that I’m trying to make, which is that you have to talk to your partner. I don’t think you should hand out comment cards, but the way that we have sex evolves, just like the way that we do, everything evolves. And often we’re not talking to our partners. I have had to talk to my partners because of the change in medications, because of my age. And as funny as it is to think about all these people out there e-mailing the show and giving you some sort of like, I don’t know, evaluation that actually needs to look like two people having a conversation about how their body is changing or how their medications are affecting their body changes so that that way you can have the best sex possible. And it also needs to involve a conversation with your doctor. I would love to say that you can listen to a podcast and solve your sexual problems, but that’s ridiculous. You’ve got to talk to the people you’re having sex with, even if that’s you.

Michelle: I completely agree. You do have to have good communication. However, if we do get any e-mails, they’re all gonna say that I was amazing and I do talk to my partner. We’re on the same medication that does affect our sex drives, which is convenient because it both takes us, you know, a really long time.

Gabe: It’s easy to think that you’re doing something wrong sexually and feeling guilty about it, but oftentimes the other person doesn’t care. They’re into it. They’re happy. So the way that you find out whether or not your your sex life is good, is based on your happiness and your partner’s happiness. And a lot of times we psych ourselves out because we think that our partner is unhappy. Just ask.

Michelle: Boring but necessary.

Gabe: Boring but necessary.

Michelle: Communicate.

Gabe: Don’t walk around thinking that something is wrong. Ask your partner if something is wrong and if it is. Don’t assume it’s because you’re bad. This is when you need to involve your doctor or find other ways. These are easy problems to solve. If everybody is talking about it openly, that’s what I’m trying to say. I’m not saying that anybody is bad in bed.

Michelle: Communication is important in a relationship. If it’s taking you very frustrating time to arrive and you think it’s causing a schism in your relationship, you really need to communicate and explain why that’s happening. If it’s happening because you’re taking psych meds and your partner doesn’t know, that’s why it’s happening, they might think that they’re not pleasing you properly. But if you need to talk to them and actually explain why that’s going on, that’s way more important. Otherwise, they’re going to think they’re doing something wrong.

Gabe: I completely agree with you, Michelle. I think that there are so many people that have problems with their sex life because they’re just assuming what their partner is thinking or they do have a legitimate problem in their sex life caused by psychiatric medications and they’re too embarrassed to talk to a doctor. The one that I hear all of the time is that young women. And when I say young women, I’m talking 18, 19, 20, 21 year olds are having sexual side effects and they’re unmarried and they have to go to the student health center or to the doctor they’ve seen since they were kids. And they want to tell the doctor that their sex life went to hell because of the medication that they’re on. And they feel really embarrassed and they feel shameful, like they shouldn’t be having sex because they’re not married or because it’s against God or religion. And and they’re really just so embarrassed to have this conversation that they just quit the medication, cold turkey to get their sex life back. And then, of course, that brings other problems. Michelle, you’re the resident young woman. What advice do you have to women who are afraid to have this conversation with their doctor?

Michelle: It’s really important to have that conversation with your doctor. You don’t want to live your life being frustrated and not understanding why your body works. If you want to find out why you want to know if it’s from medication. You should find out. And maybe your doctor will give you some tips or hints to try to help you. Or maybe you need to change medication. Don’t just stop your medication. Try to adjust your medication. You don’t want to be, you know, all out of sorts and crazy and horny. Or would you rather be stable and, you know, just a little subdued down there? Most doctors are men, which can make it kind of uncomfortable. But you really have to advocate for yourself and stand up for yourself and find out what you need to do to take care of yourself the right way.

Gabe: Michelle, what do you think about the advice of talking to a female doctor or a female specialist?

Michelle: I think talking to a female doctor or female specialist is probably a better idea than talking to a male doctor because a female has the female anatomy and they also know what it’s like to have sex being a female. So they really have the most knowledge on the topic. When I was having issues, once I went to a gynecologist, she kind of just told me that I was depressed at that moment. That wasn’t the most helpful thing. So yeah, whatever, doctor you can’t go to, maybe you can talk to some peers or anyone that can really help you try to understand what’s going on or maybe your peers have the same issue as well?

Gabe: And maybe they can recommend a doctor that they’ve had good luck with?

Michelle: Exactly. Because you are definitely not alone in this situation. Trust me, we are making a podcast about this because it’s a really big situation and a big deal that happens to a lot of people. You are not alone in this.

Gabe: And it seems to happen to women a lot more often. And I think it’s because women have been trained from such a young age. Not to fight really, really hard to be able to have sex. I was embarrassed at 25 as a man when I had erectile dysfunction, but I wasn’t worried that the doctor was going to shame me. I talked to a lot of women who are having sexual side effects with their medication because they’re trying to find out what to do and they feel way more comfortable e-mailing a non doctor, a stranger. A guy that they just have heard from online than they do having this conversation live. And it really does always seem to come down to they’re afraid that somebody is going to tell them that they’re bad for wanting to have sex. Dispel that Michelle. Dispel it.

Michelle: I think it’s easier for men to realize they’re having sexual dysfunction because they’re either getting a boner or they’re losing their boner, therefore they know when they’re having sexual dysfunction. A woman sometimes doesn’t realize sometimes they’ve been having good sex and then all the sudden sex isn’t as good anymore. And they start blaming themselves and they don’t realize that it’s psychiatric medication. So they don’t know what’s going on with their sex drive. They don’t understand why when it’s so much easier for a man to realize what’s happening. So it’s harder to talk to a doctor about it because they don’t know why they think it’s other reasons, because they don’t want to go into a doctor’s office and say, I have no sex drive. I don’t know why I’m taking these meds. Is anything combined? I don’t really know. They don’t want to be looked at like they’re just don’t have a big sex drive. That’s the answer. They want to look for a bigger answer.

Gabe: Do you think that a lot of women blame themselves?

Michelle: Absolutely.

Gabe: Do you think that men blame themselves?

Michelle: No.

Gabe: Yeah, I kind of agree. I I think that men are embarrassed when our bodies fail because it means that we’re not macho, but we don’t think it’s our fault. We think it’s embarrassing and that we’re less of a man, but we don’t think it’s our fault. I do get the feeling from what you’re saying, Michelle, that that women kind of internalize this maybe in a different way. But anyway, you slice it male or female. The goal is to be mentally healthy and have the sex life that you want.

Michelle: Absolutely. They go together perfectly. Being comfortable with your sexuality is the most important thing. And you have to be able to communicate with both your partner and your doctor.

Gabe: I completely agree. Michelle, do you have any other last words on your vibration experience?

Michelle: Go on Amazon. Read some reviews. Find the best one. Test it out and have a good day.

Gabe: You owe it to yourself to have a great sex life and great emotional well-being.

Michelle: That’s right. You hit the nail on the head.

Gabe: Ha-ha.

Michelle: You nailed it.

Gabe: Thank you, everybody, for tuning in to this episode of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Wherever you downloaded this episode, leave us as many stars as humanly possible, but more importantly, use your words. Gabe and Michelle read them all and they make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And we would take it as a personal favor if you share this on social media and go ahead and tag us. You can tag schizophrenic.NYC, Michelle Hammer, or Gabe Howard, or Psych Central. We will see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. If you love this episode, don’t keep it to yourself head over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe, rate, and review. To work with Gabe, go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle, go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups, head over to PsychCentral.com. This show’s official web site is PsychCentral.com/BSP. You can e-mail us at [email protected]. Thank you for listening, and share widely.

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2Zka4qY via theshiningmind.com

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years