#someone said they feel normal after looking at him and honestly thats the nicest thing anyone's ever said abt my art lol

[frostinepac3]

How do you draw this mf

#my art #pizza tower #peppino spaghetti #pt peppino #pizzatower #pizza tower art #I haven't drawn him in forever guys forgive me #someone said they feel normal after looking at him and honestly thats the nicest thing anyone's ever said abt my art lol

[shotorozu]

encountering a ‘pick me’ girl

character(s) : kirishima eijirou, todoroki shouto, bakugou katsuki (bnha)

warning : PICK ME GIRL, misogyny (?) pick me girl makes an off handed comment about your body but it’s not detailed at all

PART TWO — PART THREE

legend : [Y/N = your name] afab! reader, but they/them pronouns used, quirk not mentioned

headcanon type : fluff, angst if you squint

note(s) : i made 2 versions of this post so,, if you’re reading this— then i probably decided that i liked this one more than the other one i made,, anyways, i used real life examples 💀

»»————-　♡　————-««

kirishima eijirou

i’d imagine that eijirou would have an idea of what a pick me girl is— i mean, there were probably 2 of those girls in middle school

but has he experienced it first hand? nahh.

though, eijirou didn’t think he’d encounter one when he was already in a healthy and committed relationship!

eijirou is practically friends with everyone— and yeah, even the most unexpected. so, he’s bound to accidentally befriend a pick me girl

him, being the nicest one out of all of the characters in this list, will still be nice to said pick me girl, despite wanting to snob them to the core

because really— you can’t really fight fire with fire in some cases

but, he can be everything but lenient when the pick me girl starts insulting you for doing certain things, and for absurd reasons too

like,, how you laugh, and how you take care of yourself (for example— if you wear makeup, or how you style your hair)

which is odd! everything about you is everything but the things the pick me girl has stated so.. he cannot stand by.

SCENARIO

the girl giggles to herself after that snide comment leaves her lip gloss coated lips. eijirou shifts uncomfortably— honestly taken aback by the anything but subtle insult that was thrown at you

“like.. seriously! it’s honestly quite superficial if you look at it like that. who the hell would put that much effort infront of your boyfriend? i’d assume they’d see everything AND everything but.. i guess not.”

you blink. superficial? now that’s a new one. the girl infront of you has been babbling insults sugarcoated in boasts the entire time, and you’re just wondering if it’s about time you guys leave but—

“well that’s unfair,” your boyfriend laughs, “i put the same amount of effort as this cutie right here,” eijirou pokes at your cheek, earning a quick laugh from you— which he can only thank the heavens for that

“but that’s different. it actually looks put together when you’re doing it, eiji.” the certain glint in her smile makes you want to wipe it right off with a dirty mop, “it’s impossible to look put together with expensive clothes, but being built like a—”

the sound of the sliding of a chair is quicker than your actions, and it easily cuts her off.

“i’m sorry, but we gotta go, it’s totally not cool of you to say those things about Y/N!”

“what? but i mean.. it’s true, right? i’m looking out for them! they’re literally out here l—”

“bye!” eijirou waves her goodbye with your hand, dismissing the sour expression on her face— as he dashes off with you

you’d question how he’s just so nice to people like that, but when he turns around, you could see the distaste in his eyes

“so that’s what a pick me girl’s like,” shaking his head, his expression lights up with such a quick manner “i’ll never make friends that are like that again!”

safe to say, eijirou’s friend list has been a a person shorter ever since that incident

bakugou katsuki

oh, so that girl’s bold bold.

if she thinks she could get away with being a not so subtle pick me girl infront of bakugou katsuki, then she couldn’t be more wrong.

it’s absolutely revolting— i mean, he hasn’t displayed any romantic feelings towards ANYONE that isn’t you.

also, they’re quite gutsy if you ask me. so congrats for having guts??

i don’t think he’d be friends with a pick me girl. he’s very selective of who he’s befriending, so it’s probably your friend that’s the pick me girl in this case

he wouldn’t know what a pick me girl would be, but he’d probably know the description of one.

over some time, he’d grow some resistance to insults directed at him, but when someone insults his s/o

oh boy. that’s not good. remember when i said that katsuki was almost like your scary and intimidating dog

this is what i mean

knows he can’t make a scene, so his first option is to be dismissive asf— but if said pick me girl literally can’t get it, he won’t be afraid of shoving some explosions into her face

because his hands are rated e for everyone

SCENARIO

“so you wanna be picked or something, is that it?” he hates how you literally have the resistance of a rock— which is something he always liked, but in this case hated. if it weren’t for you— he would’ve blasted explosions into her sorry excuse of a face until it’s beyond recognition (that wouldn’t be hero like, is what you’ve said in the past, but he disagrees.)

but seriously? ugh. he just wants to leave this horrid place, and make some dinner with you in the comfort of his home. why are you even friends with her anyway? she’s not even trying to be slick at this point.

“p-picked? i’m not understanding, katsu.”

“it’s bakugou.”

“right,” her laughter is like nails on chalkboard, “i’m just watching out for Y/N, y’know? there’s no point in wearing all of that.. on their face.” and she’s obviously referring to your obviously very well done makeup

“it’ll make your skin terrible in the long run! and really— i couldn’t really understand on why someone would wear that much, when you could survive with i dunno.. lip gloss at most?”

you would’ve actually said something as a rebuttal, but your boyfriend is quicker, and a lot more direct than anyone else in the area.

“just say you can’t do makeup and fucking scram,” katsuki’s ice cold glare finally breaks out of the act he’s been trying to hold together for you

“their makeup is fucking bomb as hell, compared to your ridiculous spider lashes, lady. come back when you’ve watched james charles’ entire fucking channel.” he harshly states in similar bakugou fashion, despite the lack of screaming.

and if you squinted hard enough, you could see tears welling up in her eyes. but katsuki tugs your hand before anything else could be said

“let’s fucking go, you need better friends.”

he makes you cut ties with all of them, and he practically scolds your terrible choice of friends— but he goes quiet when you tell him that you’ve been friends with her since middle school

“good fucking riddance. next time, i’ll punch them as soon as they say something outta line, got that?” and next time (hopefully, there won’t be a next time) you’ll actually lash out— or maybe,, you’ll let him loose for once.

todoroki shouto

now shouto might be,, socially unaware sometimes. but he can tell whenever someone’s trying to insult his s/o

like,, right away.

now— you both run into this person after a pleasant date, and she eagerly presented herself as your friend

so, her attitude catches him off guard because who’d have anything rude to say about you and towards shouto’s face? especially when it’s about something normal.

like,, wasn’t she your friend?? why is she even like this?

his hostility is very well known, so they should be scared.

he gets detached from the conversation, and he’ll immediately go cold— and shouto would probably go as far as walking away with your hand in his

doesn’t matter if he properly says goodbye or not— if a girl’s being rude to his s/o, they obviously don’t deserve his usually polite attitude. nope, that’s a luxury.

oh— and what more when they’re seeking for his validation. newsflash! said pick me girl won’t be get any from him.

SCENARIO

shouto couldn’t stop the bitterness bleeding into his mouth, when the girl in front of him continued to babble and take up the valuable time he had left with his s/o

initially, she presented herself as your friend from middle school— but as of now? she seems to be more interested in him more than you, despite knowing you first.

she’d ask him a string of obvious questions with very obvious answers, like ‘is she treating you well?’ ‘is she acting correctly?’ and questions of the sort

“oh, sorry! i’d hate to cut this conversation short, but—” you finally decide that it was about time to leave, while shouto looks pretty,, deadpanned right now, you could tell that he was gradually starting to get irritated by your friend’s words.

“wait. thats.. kind of controlling, don’t you think? do you ever let shou make decisions?”

“uh.. controlling? since when??” you question at the accusation. this girl knows nothing about your relationship dynamic, and she’s already jumping the gun and making conclusions.

your gaze snaps back to shouto, who looks just as surprised as he could possibly be.

“yeah! it clearly looks like he still wants to talk” which is an obvious lie, shouto just wants it out of here “i wonder how you managed to snag such a guy like him,” she comments with a smile that looked anything above suspicion (yet, it makes your stomach churn)

you could see the way her hand gets gradually closer to him— and frankly, you’re not sure about what she was planning to do next, “you wouldn’t need to dress all expensive and fancy, if you’re with a girl with an already classy appear—”

“i think this conversation is over,” shouto grip is firm on the wrist that was attempting to grab his shoulder, shouto makes no attempt to even look at the girl infront of him “i don’t know what you’re trying to do, but it’s not humorous. at all.”

“what?” she stammers, drawing her hand back “i-it’s obvious they don’t know how to take a joke! this is why there are barely any good w—”

shouto’s next actions knocks her speechless, his hand rests at the small of your back, before gently guiding you forward— “love, what movie are we watching later?” he says, making an effort to press a quick, yet intense kiss on your lips

“oh,” you breathe out, surprised by this action. “don’t be so tense, love.” shouto comments on how tense your shoulders have looked, ever since she started running her mouth, “now.. what movie do you want to watch tonight? comedy? thriller?”

“you pick,” you laugh at the quick shift of topic. and when you look behind you, you could see shame and defeat welling up on her face. shouto finally feels like he could smile again, the bitterness dissipating from his mouth

after shouto questions you if that was what a pick me girl was, he makes sure that you guys won’t ever encounter such thing again

“you.. don’t have more friends like that, right? if you do— we could always do another friend list cleansing.” this statement makes you laugh but shouto is anything but joking

but being reminded of his reaction to that ‘pick me’ girl does puts a smile on your face.

»»————-　♡　————-««

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing and i do not profit off of my hobby

do not plagiarize, reupload, translate, or use my works for audio readings without permission

#bnha imagines #bnha x reader #mha x reader #mha imagines #bnha x y/n #bnha fluff #todoroki shouto x reader #todoroki x reader #todoroki imagines #bakugou katsuki x reader #todoroki x y/n #todoroki fluff #bakugou x y/n #bakugou x reader #bakugou imagines #bakugou fluff #kirishima eijirou x reader #kirishima x y/n #kirishima imagines #kirishima fluff #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #todoroki headcanons #bakugou headcanons #kirishima headcanons #mha x y/n

[shkspr]

hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

#sorry if this is repetitive or makes no sense or if i got some details of the show wrong #i simply couldnt be bothered to put too much effort into this post #lest it become a research paper and take me several weeks to answer #anyway thats all my opinions #dw #ok to rb

[tastyykpop]

Will you do a dating headcanons for WayV? I love the 127 one!

Yayy I'm so happy you loved that one😌 its honestly one of my favs that I've written on this blog :)

ᴡᴀʏᴠ ʙғ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴɴᴏɴ

Kun

Possibly the only normal boyfriend in wayv

He actually treats you like the members because he's just so used to it

But he's nicer and more lenient

Though if you start acting up he just stares at you until youre like 'lmao jk~"

Everyone sees how whipped he is and are always making fun of him as he tries to ignore it

"Kuns a whore for y/n!!!"

"Shut the fUCK UP LUCAS!!"

Kuns always babying you too >:(

Just loves to spoil his baby for no reason

Would actually get the most expensive clothing for you just because you stared at it longer than 5 seconds

Aways says he can get you anything since he has the money and you're like "baby, no save up😀✋"

And hes like "baby, yes heres some clothes😀✋"

Kuns the type to actually bring you onto his insta lives whenever he's bored

So hes like "y/ns here again!"

But the thing is people watch his lives for you😐

Jk jk

Nah most fans are super supportive though

Hes only once called someone out for being rude and until then, no ones messed with you

Kuns lowkey scary

He can be very assertive when he needs to with you but its nothing too serious

You find it hot dont lie

Ten

Hes like a mix of haechan and jaehyun (if yall have read the 127 one)

Hes very touchy but won't hesitate to bully you

In a nice way shh

He wouldn't actually be mean :)

Buttt like if you did something embarrassing, hes gonna bring it up everyday up until you die

"This bitch knocked over a vending machine rip" hed say at you're funeral when yall are like 94

No but he's kind

And so cute around you

Calls you baby all the time

Thats like his thing

Imagine how he calls yangyang baby yangyang, now its baby y/n

Some members find his cuteness disgusting but you're like 😍🥰😘

Teaches you some dances no matter if you're good or bad

He'll also praise you for trying and doing a good job

Also sneaks in some touches because, like I said hes touchy

And clingy cuz why not

Hes always on top of you, kissing you, or just playing with your hair for the fun of it

If a member says something to him about it, he goes "ok and ? you jealous i don't kiss you like I kiss y/n?"

Just give him lots of attention cuz he's like a cat

Catboy ten is vibing

Winwin

Since he doesn't like pda too much, hes not going to do it a lot

He doesn't care if you initiate it though, in fact, he thinks its very cute

Sicheng knows its because you're a bit needy for his touch since he doesn't do it so he won't mind

Once in a blue moon he'll just walk over to you and kiss you suddenly

Then he steps away, blushing cuz he doesn't know what came over him

"Why did you get a kiss from him?? What the fuck!?"

"Because I'm his girlfriend, yuta🧍‍♂️"

"But did you marry him like I did? Didn't think so."

The amount of times his members actually glared at you because yall kissed is immaculate

But its funny cuz you made them jelly

Sichengs easily embarrassed by little acts of kindness or if you give him a small compliment

He laughs it off and puts his head down as he blushes but its cute asf

Bruh pinch his cheeks, like sometimes he's like 'oh fuck off' but most of the time he's like scrunching his face so adorably.

His patience is also pretty low so listen to him

Hes not afraid of showing hes angry or annoyed with you

His face just goes stone cold and you know your fucked up

Like wtf happened to the cutie that let you punch his cheeks

Other than that though hes a big baby boy

Lucas

Oh this goofy ass would be fun to date

Its just a bunch of laughing and giggling

You cannot even sleep in the same bed without wanting to either punch him or laugh

And though yall do laugh a lot, you're actually very madly in love with each other

Lucas is very nice and will not stand for anyone messing with his girlfriend

Hes possessive but not in a toxic way

Its more of him wanting to keep you safe

He'll also makes sure you both are happy all the time and if you guys need a break then you'll take a break for a bit

Moving on to some fun stuff ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

You and him have like daily rap battles

It goes back and forth in different languages and its funny hearing it

Members laugh every time Lucas goes "y/n...rap time!!!"

Another thing is Lucas can't keep his hands off you in anyway

Your hips? Free real estate

Your ass? His hands go there

The back of your neck? Seems like a nice place to grab every so often

Like he has so many places that he holds you by and its completely normal

Hes always saying stuff like "God, im so handsome." Then says "and you're so hot, no wonder why we are dating."

And you kinda just sit there like "yeah sure go off king🧎‍♀️"

There's no way he can go a day without complimenting you once

Its either your face, legs, ass, boobs, arms, hands, hair, this bitch could go off

And of course he expects it back, dont make him sad

"I complimented you twenty times today and I didn't get a compliment back what the fuck y/n😐"

".....you're hair looked really good today, I love the color."

"Oh my God really😳!? Thanks babe🥰, at first I wasn't sure i was gonna li-"

Just compliment him, it'll be ok

Xiaojun

The nicest person ever istg

Hes not normal in any way though but he's just really sweet

Will definitely make fun of you but not as bad as ten

Is such a bitch sometimes in a funny way

Just feels like complaining for no reason and you're like "i'm tryna watch a movie luv...."

Nah but he's amazing

Gets you a bunch of gifts whenever he feels like it

Sings for you if you ask

Jokingly says no sometimes just to see you pout but he'll do it regardless

Get him a gift and hes gonna refuse with the cutest smile while your just forcing it into his hands

Anything you give him is the most precious thing to him even if its stupid

Hes so in love omg

Bruh you guys in public is just adorable because this kid is shy but wants to hold your hand so bad

So hes like hesitating and so are you

Then bitch ass hendery comes in and grabs both of your hands and places it in each other's before he walks away with a smile

So now you're both walking with flushed cheeks but at least yall are holding hands

You can thank hendery for that

Hendery

My guy is a mix of loving, funny, and stupid

Hes so fun to be around though like there's never a dry conversation with him

Unless the room in awkwardly quiet or something

But then again you'd probably start laughing because he's so uncomfortable in silence

Is always lowkey judging you if you do something cute

Even though he asked you to do it

So you just glare at him after

Ask him to act cute and he'll do it without hesitation but its so funny

His eyes scream help but the rest of his face is normal

Omg yall compliment and roast each other on a daily

Its nothing too bad like how otherd would be but its something

You and hendery go shopping almost all the time even though yall don't get anything

You just kinda stare at the things saying "thats cute" then walk away, never batting an eyelash at it again

Some members would even say that henderys the same as he is with them, with you

Just more lovey

And more kisses

Ooo and hes also gentle

Especially if your just going for a kiss, hes always softly holding your hips or cheeks

Holding hands is an absolute must in public too or he fake crys

Actually let him cry cuz its hilarious to the rest of wayv and you

Jk no hold his hand cuz they're warm <3

Hes gonna swing his and your arm back and forth too while skipping because ✨priorities✨

You better skip along

Yangyang

Haechan but make him chinese

No seriously, go back to what I wrote in 127's headcannon and thats basically what's gonna be here

Except yangyangs less bratty

Don't get me wrong hes still a brat but not haechan level of brat

He'll dead ass let you sleep with him just to push you off and laugh at you after

Would go for a kiss then blow in your face

You guys are more of bffs though but not because you kiss and do other shit together

Pranks!!

Omg

Always pranking the members with him

Its the funniest thing if its on kun and no one knows why

Sometimes ten joins and its ten times better

Wait did I accidentally just make a ten joke-

Anyways

Yangyang loves holding you

But at the same time doesn't because too much pda

Don't worry doe you can always just catch him off guard and sneak some kisses to make him blush😗✌

Then let him tackle you afterwards because you did it in front of everyone

#this was kinda rushed oops😬 #but i still hope you like it #nct #nct smut #nct fluff #nct angst #nct scenarios #nct 127 #nct dream #nct u #nct 2020 #wayv #wayv smut #wayv fluff #wayv angst #wayv scenarios

[casserole4you]

A Mermaids Tale

Tom Holland AU

Words: 1.6K

⚠️Warnings⚠️ None

A/N: Sorry if this story is kinda bad so far, I'm not really use to writing in 1st person pov I've always done 3rd person pov but I hope you enjoy it either way!

(Part 1) (Part 2)

《Masterlist》

"Serenity!! Where are you now? You know I'm going to find you eventually."

I sighed apparently hiding continuously from Tom never ends up working in my favor because he always manages to find me no matter where I hide. No matter how dark of a cave  I find or the time I literally buried myself in the sand he still manages to find me. 

Don't get me wrong or anything, Tom's a nice guy and all but already having to be stuck down here for a month and half with someone I hardly knew kinda sucks but then again I was also betrayed by Sam who claimed he loved me and I was also beginning to get homesick.

"Ah I found you!" Tom exclaimed, popping his face into my line of vision. I really thought I had him this time hiding in the smallest space I could find in this cave.

"You know if you're trying to hide, you should really make sure to hide your tail next time too." I slightly rolled my eyes but couldn't stop the small smile that was forming on my face, and looked at my tail that I have yet become accustomed to.

Since I've been down here I've gotten to know Tom a little bit and his very kind and care free attitude. How he's like a ball of sunshine hidden in the depths of the water, or how he's always so optimistic with everything. He's really tried his best to get me accustomed to my tail by teaching me how to swim with it but I apparently look like a squirt trying to swim for the first time which apparently what they call babies down here.

I could see myself becoming very good friends with him, he hasn't really pushed the issuse of what happened to me or how I got here and I know its bothering him. Because every time he asks about it or when it seems like he's about to bring it up I completely change the topic or I will avoid his question. He's a nice guy and all but right now after everything thats happened I think it's best to keep him at arms length until I know for sure I won't be hurt or betrayed again.

He pokes at my tail  "It honestly doesn't make any sense on why your tail is gold, because there are normally only three colors for our tails! So why is yours so different," He exasperated.

I remember when Tom explained to me that there are only the three tail colors, and they each have different meanings and or different jobs.

-

"I still don't understand why your tail is gold, it's really starting to baffle me."

"Well you're the only fish person I've seen since I've been here so is it really not that common?" I asked.

Tom huffed and rolled his eyes at me "First off its MERFOLK not fish person. And it is actually really rare down here that its literally the only one I've ever seen, down here there are only 3 colors of tails which generally  puts you into one of the 3 categories. 1st being a green tail which is the most common tail. When you have a green tail it means that these people are your every day normal people such as people who own the stores teachers or just stay at home parents. A person with a Blue tail like mine means that they are a healer and a baby blue means that they are a scientist these tails really aren't that common and only several people have this color. Now the most rare color is an orange tail it means that they are warriors such as guards or soldiers," He explained while making all these weird hand gestures. " We are all normally born with a purple tail signifying that we are still children, but once we turn 16 our tails will change into one of the three colors.

"Wait you said three colors but listed four you said two different blues so wouldn't there technically be four color categories instead of three?" I asked.

"No, not really we tend to just lump both blues together since they are just slight different shades."

"So you than you are a healer?" I said poking his tail.

"Yes! I normally work with children since they are normally the more fun patients," he smiles and stares off into the distant.

"Huh, well I didn't know that." 

"Well Serenity that's because you refuse to leave this cave that you decided to make as a make shift home for the past 2 weeks, which by the way you really should come into town one of these days. Carrying all this food out this far is getting a little tiring," he glanced to the side and smirked at me.

I playful shoved him away from me, which in turn made him laugh like crazy. "Come on I'm serious! You should come into town with me. I have a free room with a bed in it by the way, and I'm sure my roommate won't mind you taking the spare room for awhile."

I tilted my head side ways "You guys have beds down here?"

 He looked at me bewildered "Yes, why do you guys sleep on the floor like a sea urchin?"

I raised one eyebrow and looked at him "A what?" 

He smacked his forehead really hard "A sea urchin," he said slowly "You know it's like a pokey ball looking thing they lay on the sea floor but are also found in the hold of rocks."

"I've never seen one before in my life, but no we don't sleep on the floor we have beds too. That's why I was surprised when you said you own a bed," I was trying to avoid eye contact with him and just chose to stare at my tail.

He sighed "You ready are something else Serenity. But seriously you should come back with me to my place."

I bit my lip an old habit I have when I'm feeling nervous "Are you sure I can come? Won't my tail attract a lot of attention with everyone since it's never been seen before?"

He ponder for a moment "Hmmm I never thought about that, maybe we can sneak you in at night,  everyone is in bed to begin with anyways-"

"Wait why is everyone in bed?" I interrupted him.

"Well we have a curfew," He stated.

"Oh? Why" 

He side glances me for a few minutes before he finally decides to respond "I honestly don't remember why."

You don't really respond to Tom you can He is hiding something from you but you can't blame him since you refuse to up up to him most of the time so instead you just give him a nod and sit in silence for a few more minutes. "Okay I'll go with you into town," you sighed 

Tom throws his fist in the air as some weird sign of victory "YES!"

-

"Okay, remember you said you would be coming with me back to my place tonight so we will have to wait for sun down until we can swim into town."

"What about Sharks though? Won't they attack us and try to eat us?" I asked looking away from him.

Tom began to laugh hard, it was one of those hearty laughs the kind where he was doubled over holding his stomach with tears streaming down his face. "That's the funniest think I've ever heard you say."

I glared at him not really appreciating him not taking me seriously "I'm serious! I've heard stories about them before and they are very dangerous."

He continued to laugh for 5 more minutes without being able to look at me because every time he did he would just start laughing again so I just glared at him until he was finally calm enough to respond to me. "Sharks are literally the nicest creatures we have, most of them are to shy to even come close to us and land walkers, there are only maybe a few species who would attack us and even than they don't live anywhere near us." 

I sighed in relief "Okay, I guess I'll believe you then and by the way we are called humans."

He grinned at me "Don't worry everything will be fine I promise we can get in without people seeing you, and even if we need help I know a guard who could help us out plus I know for a fact that my roommate wouldn't care he more than likely would want to look at your tail because he's a Scientist so it will definitely peak his interest once he's sees it."

I nervously chewed on my lower lip not liking the sound of that at all 'what if he puts me in a cage to study me, or starts to poke and prod at me with things that might kill me, OR what if he decides not to let me stay and forces me to leave what would I do than. I mean I guess I could come back to this cave, but what if he throws me out during the day?! Then I'll definitely be screwed!'

"Stop it Serenity, you're thinking too much about it," he chuckles lightly "I promise it will be okay." 

I stare straight into his eyes to see if he's being dishonest, can I trust him? I've only known him for a little over a month but can I really trust him. I knew Sam for almost 6 years and when it came down to it he decided to save himself instead of protecting like he said he would, with a seconds thought. But looking at Tom sitting next to me with a dopey smile on his face I just have this feeling deep down that he's being genuine, but I still have to keep my guard up around him just in case but maybe just taking a little bit of the wall down would be okay. 

"Okay, I trust you."

Taglist: @big-galaxy-chaos

#spiderman #tom+holland+x+reader+smut #tom holland #tom x reader #peter parker x reader #peter parker smut #peter parker #the avengers #mermaid

[xxdanganronpa-stuffsxx]

May I please get a fluffy thing with any characters of your choice reacting to their best friend (essentially who would normally be called S/O) coming out to them as a lesbian? My funky lesbian heart just really adores feel good things like this.

Sure! This idea is really cute! I went with the dr1 girls becaus i just think they are interesting to write. I don’t have much experience with coming out but I hope this is good! Hope you like it!

-mod Korekiyo

Kyoko Kirigiri

You were nervous to tell her

You know she will be supportive but she’s a very hard person to read so you’re not entirely sure

When you do tell her She’s very supportive like you had hoped

She’s not really surprised (she is the super highschool level detective after all)

She tells you in pretty calm voice that she will kill anyone who makes fun of you for your sexuality if you want

“That won’t be necessary but thanks”

Your still not entirely sure she won’t commit murder though

Celestia Ludenberg

“...so I’m a lesbian”

She wrapped you in a warm ( albeit awkward due to her big hair and dress) hug

“Thank you for telling me darling”

“You don’t think it’s... wired?”

“She pulled away from the hug and almost looked offended

“You are my very best friend, you are special and lovely and you should love yourself!”

She was talking very fast and she was almost incoherent with her accent

You felt really happy though

Well that went well!

Aio Asahina

You two were out on a run when you decided to tell her out of the blue

“So I’m... a lesbian”

She looked really surprised

This made you super worried

The shocked face slowly turned to a warm smile

“Really, that’s so cool!”

“You still want to be my friend?”

“What! Of course I do! Love is love and whoever you decide to love doesn’t matter to me!”

Her kind and supportive words calmed you down

She wrapped her arm around you shoulder enthusiastically

“Hey dont worry about that kind of stuff! Anyone would be real lucky to be your friend, who you like doesn’t matter!”

You smile brightly at her

You make a mental note to come to her whenever you need a good pep talk

Junko Enoshima

You were super nervous to tell her because this girl is SUPER UNDPREDICTABLE

“Soooooo.... I’m a lesbian”

“Cool! Honestly I’m pretty glad! Men are too full of hope anyway!”

(It’s the thought that counts)

“Thanks Junko, I’m glad you don’t mind”

She hugged you super tight

She might have broken some of your ribs

She means well thought

You love your crackhead dispair friend

Toko Fukawa

Tokyo’s a bit of an odd bird so you had no idea how she would react (genocide Jack is also something to think about)

You decided to bring it up casually in conversation

You two were in the library talking about your day

Toko was gushing over Togami as always

“You know I just don’t know how you can’t have a crush on him! He’s such a dreamboat!”

Well it’s now or never

“Well.... I actually don’t like men... I like girls”

“Oh! Who do yoooouuuu like then? Is she cute like Togami!?”

Just as you were about to answer someone near by closed an old dusty book and little to hard and dust sprung up into the air causing Toko to sneeze

“Ohh shi-“

“HEEEEEYYYYYOOOOO!”

“Hey genocide jack”

“WHATS WITH THE LONG FACE, DID I INTERUPT SOMETHING IMPORTANT?”

“Yes actually, I was telling Toko something kinda important”

“WELL ALRIGHTY THEN LET ME HEAR IT!”

“I’m a lesbian”

“AW THATS BORING I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY SOMEONE DIED OR SOMTHING! I DONT CARE WHICH GENDER YOU LIKE YOU LIKE BETTER IN THE BEDROOM!”

“That’s one way to put it”

Overall you feel really good about the whole situation

Sayaka Maizono

You weren’t really all that nervous

Why would you be

She is literally the nicest person ever

So when you came out to her you weren’t all the surprise when she responded with a big warm hug

“I’m glad you told me! You’re so brave!”

“R-really?”

“Yeah! Coming out takes some guts! I had a friend in my idol group who came out to us and she said that she was terrified, so I’d say you’re super brave!”

“Thanks Sayaka that’s means a lot”

“Just let me know if anyone ever says something to you about it ok?”

“Will do!”

Sakura Ogami

You just hoped that it would go well

She’s your closets friend and you didn’t want to change anything

You know that she wouldn’t mind but part of you was still pretty scared

You two were working out when you decided to bring it up

“Soooo did you know I like girls.. Because, I like girls.”

Your voice came off somewhat awkward

He giggled a bit

“No I didn’t know why?”

Her face turned from a light hearted relaxed one to a more serious one”

“No one is giving you problem about it are they”

She began flexing rather dramatically

“Because if they are I shall protect my friends honor!”

You giggled at how protective your friend is

“No, nothing like that! I just thought I would tell you”

“Oh”

Well you will definitely be going to her if you ever need someone beat up

[imthebrettofthegroup-blog]

I just want to start off by saying that this is probably something you wont read and will probably scroll past. I want one person and his friends (all of cc) to read this and know how much they have helped me.

I have had a horrible week even though it only just started.

It technically started last monday but the worst of it arrived yesterday.

Last week I had a surgery on my ear (I had a hole in my ear drum causing hearing loss)

After the surgery I woke up wearing this ugly stupid red headband that I could tell would get annoying.

People thought it was normal, fashionable until I said its from surgery.

First few days were fine, my sleeping schedule on the other hand not so great.

I slept all day and stayed up all night until I went back to school.

I tried to fix that but it got worse until I was awake for two whole days with 0 hours of sleep. Then the next day, the next, the next, until it got to the fifth day.

I have had 6 hours of sleep over the past 5 days. I googled insomnia because a few people said that I might have that.

Insomnia can occur from several things, those of mine would be depression and anxiety.

I am technically not a senior because I dont have enough credits to qualify in the state of Texas.

Thats already stressful. Comes the first day of school my teacher who has been helping me with my learning disabilities told me I would have to work my ass off to get those credits in only a few short months.

Professional communications, we must present a poem about color. I thought of my poem abd I thought it was great!

Red is the first color of the rainbow

Orange is an orange

Yellow as yellow as the banana bus

Green, well those are peas

Blue mens group and blues clues too!

Beautiful indigo night skies

Violet, now where is she?

The more you know

That was my poem.

Then I got scared and almost didn't present it but I did and the look the teacher had on her face made it clear, she didnt like it.

Those cause my stress.

My depression oh boy,

Being bullied because of what I look like. People staring and pointing at me before the laugh while going down the hall to our next class. Thats all im seeing. Judgement.

Boys. Oh lord, I told my crush how I felt. I wrote it on the notebook app on my phone.

I sent it to my two close friends so they can see it before I send it (all of us girls do that)

They told me to send it but I was honestly scared and kept thinking "he doesn't like you who are you kidding. You know whats gonna happen. Stop. Trying." But I sent it and was shaking because I was so scared. I have never been so honest to a guy like that before, its scary!

Being the mofo sweet thing he is he said he thought it was cute and sweet.

Since I didn't have the guts to ask him how he felt about that, I asked my friend Faith to ask him.

He thought it was sweet and cute that I was so up front and honest about how I felt towards him (those werent the exact words, I understood what he meant anyways." But then the next like read "but I dont like anyone at the moment."

That was not the response I was wanting.

He two of my friends felt bad and told me not to worry but all I said is that it has happened to me many times before and Im used to it by now. Truth is Im not.

This guy I like really is the nicest guys I know. He is in the cooler group of people unlike me yet he still listens and read my insanly long paragraphs of me venting, only to respond with something that will make me feel better. All these other guys at our school pretend to be nice at first and then unmask their true self. "Fuqbois" I honestly thought he wad going to be like that but he is still here helping me out today. He makes me laugh in class by being a doofus *no joke, actually pauses typing session to open his snapchat- and actually bringing Shelby, Samar, Faith and us closer together. Yeah it annoys me when he sends me selfies and not say anything or start a conversation and even when I try he just doesnt talk (heckin turd) but I mean hey, he still helps me.

I will admit I felt worthless and unwanted but my two friends, immediately started to message me telling me its okay and trying to cheer me up. It didnt work.

I couldnt talk to him, I was too embarrassed. I talked to my new friend Matthew and he was telling me his story about how he was nothing to what he is now, a huge fuckin ladies man, guys ask him how he did it. He really tried just as much as the girls did but it didnt work.

I talked to my friend L (I know your name Latrice, just want to hurry sorry boo). She immediately knew something wad wrong and tried to help. I decided I just wanted some time alone so I asked "when I get back, can you send me a bunch of pictures of my man Brett?" And she said she would.

I didnt really get any alone time as all my friends kept texting me but I didnt want them to know and start to worry. I only talked to a few of my older girlfriends (going back since 7th grade) Bailey and my other friend Dani (queen) and my friend who was also by my friend Sakib (he introudced me to bre my bitch ass dork), Kate and Sakib were always there when I needed someone or something. Since my freshman year. They graduated as class of 2017 at Central, leaving me and a bunch of us behind. Kate helped me feel better but we didnt talk much. Bre was acting like a mom, I said I was so embarrassed and she said it wasnt embarrassing. How is that not embarrassing? "Because I said so" she made me feel better a bit more.

Bailey, she said I should respect that about him and I agreed. I said I hated couples besides her and her boyfriend Cody.

Her- I wish Cody had friends, I would set you up

Me- me too WAIT OMG "I wish Cody had friends" THE SHADE IS FEELING NICE OVER HERE!

Dani, my beautiful Queen oh my goodness! You already went through a horrible loss today and I wasnt there for you like I should have. I told her I always mess things up and ruin everything. -again gets on snapchat because Erick the cuck asked me a quetion and I answered and then he like died or something, gets distracted amd realizes that Jakob from cc opened my message and then gets on instagram to tell L and let her know Im still writing this, remembers Jakob, freaks out again, looks at notifcations and sees that my famdog Matt (super awesome one I talked about) changed his profile picture so I go check it out realized I was supposed to be typing this and comes back here to remember I need to go to the conversation I had with Dani earlier to put her quote- "its just people who need to learn to see whats so great and its right in front of them." That made me feel better.

I go back to instagram and ask for the pictures of Brett. They instantly make me smile. I dm her because I can connect with her on a certain level with certain things, I tell her I sent a note to Jakob and that I hope he reads it. I took a screenshot and sent to L who said it was so sweet. While typing that letter to Jakob, I had realized the reason Im still here and who I am now than who I was just two weeks ago and I began to cry. I had just realized that Brett has made me smile so much and made me laugh and giggle. He may not know it but he saved my life. Im in a group chat with L and Sam. The chat is called the Slaughter Club. We had met from a post Sam had put up saying she wants to make a gc with a bunch of cc fans and just have an awesome time. Im so glad I hit that comment button and asked to be in the group. Over a day after, we realized I was the oldest, Sam being the youngest and we kinda let her choose lol. Brett is the older one of the group, I was called the Brett of sc. Trevor being the youngest of cc, Sam being the Trevor of sc, L, she chose Aleks. So Aleks of sc she was. They would get great pictures of the guy of cc and I never saw good ones so I asked where, they brought me here. Since being in this group chat and being the adult in certain situations (also weird fact, whenever Im not there, shit happens like idek. Same with Brett with cc.) Brett has inspired me in so many ways and I know I will never have the chance to ever in any way tell him, this is how Im telling him how he saved me. Really, all I want is that the Cow Chop crew read this and know how much they mean to me. I have a feeling that I know they will never see this (especially Brett) but Im going to put this out there in the hopes he will. Thats what I want from this. I know its all stupid but the CC crew really have brought together an amazing group of friends who I love so much and want to thank for always being there. Thank you. -Caroline Hope Powell

#brett hundar #hundar #cow chop #modest cube #aleksandra zaryanova #alsojakob #please reblog #thank you #saved

[spiffysixxsense]

1-100 go!!!

Sunrise or sunset? The only reason I see a sunrise is because I have been up all night, so I guess sunsets

Are you mentally ill? Oh god here we go

Are you physically ill? I don’t think so, I just take shitty care of myself

What is the most expensive thing you have bought? Concert tickets

Do you have a job? Technically? even though Im off until next May

Are you in school? Yes :(

Are you a dropout? not yet

Are you in college? yes 

Introvert or extrovert? Introverted to the point it impedes my life. 

What do you think when you look at your body? “I wish…” something about changing it. 

What have others said when they look at your body? How would I know? Probably like ‘that girl shouldn’t be wearing a bikini’

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? Lots. 

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? i have no idea. probably doing something as a kid.

Are you confident wearing a bikini? lol i answered that other question before seeing this one - no. 

Can you look people in the eyes while talking? Sure.

Has anything terrible happened to you? Yes. 

Has anything wonderful happened to you? I guess.

Favorite part of your personality? I am not easily offended 

Least favorite part of your personality? All of it? I’m depressed im anxious im insecure im stubborn im easily angered im moody im dependent im clingy

Favorite part of your body? I don’t have an answer for this in a physical manner, so my favorite part is that it still functions through what it has been through (And what I put it through)

Least favorite part of your body? Stomach I guess? I don’t like any part of me. 

Favorite quote? “What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly”

Do you have friendships with all genders? Sure

Do you have a good relationship with your father? I guess

Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Now, yes. 

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? This implies i have siblings. 

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? Yes. 

Have you ever had a near death experience? I don’t think so. Car accidents, yes, but my injuries were not that serious.

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life? Yes. Both personal & followings.

Have you ever tried to take your own life? Yes & no. Ive committed harm to myself with suicidal thoughts, but I feel like if I 100% knew I wanted to end my life I would have. There was always doubt. 

Biggest lie you have told? “Yeah, Im okay, just tired”

Do you follow any conspiracies? I love conspiracy theories but usually don’t believe them 

Do you believe in a New World Order? I believe in the possibility. 

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run? Oh man you can tell these are questions for a worldwide audience. NO. 

Is there currently any strife in your country? Listen to a Trump speech. 

Have you ever been displaced within your country? Not on an individual level. 

Are your friendships healthy? sure?

Are you currently fighting with a friend? No but I also don’t have many friends. 

Are you jealous of a friend? Why? Im jealous of anyone who isnt me honestly. 

Do you believe in the Illuminati? Why the hell not. 

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who? Probably (Im looking at you Beyonce lol)

How can people tell you are nervous? Im sweating, sorry everyone, I keep my answers brief if spoken to. 

How can people tell you are sad? Im quiet. im angry sounding

Do you ever express your true feelings? No.

Regrets in your life? Not trying harder or participating when I could. 

Achievements in your life? Im still here? 

What did people say about you in school? I don’t think people said anything. I kinda didnt exist. 

What did you say about people in school? Again, not much, I had my group of friends and tended to stick with them and only them. 

Is there something you have never told anyone? Sure

Have you committed an illegal act? Ive smoked pot? 

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? Pay my tuition and then still owe money  

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18? Probably to like pet cats? To be a scientist, to be dead probably, then to go to college? I didnt want to but felt like i had to. 

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? I am sure i imagined some romantic thing but it was just in his doorway as I left his house. 

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? Average.  

Are you from a broken marriage? im from a broken never-married

Have you been raised by a solo parent? No, I lived with both parents until i was 17. 

Do you know both your parents? yes

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have? Brown, Brunette, white. 

Have you abused drugs or alcohol? No. 

What languages can you speak? English

Do you conform to your societies standards? Not really. 

Do you cry often? Yes

Do you tell people what you think of them? No, but I don’t talk to many people to have an opinion of. 

Are you comfortable accepting compliments? No

Are you comfortable giving compliments? Sure

Is any mental illness hindering your life? Uhm every single fucking day of my life. 

Is any physical illness hindering your life? I guess my vertigo prevents me from going in things that move? ie roller coasters, boats

Do you keep up with current events? Not really. Just from social media

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read? Trump being an asshole, what else is new 

What have you done today? Studied a little but got distracted by this lol

Do you sleep well? Once i am asleep, I sleep fine. falling asleep is the problem. 

Do you sleep badly? ^^

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting? All the time 

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting? Maybe?

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why? No, people always end their relationship/friendship with me. I dont blame them 

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves? I have tried. 

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself? Not really? Like in the moment? no, nobody ever knew. 

Do you like your laugh? Its fine.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind? No, let it kill me

Do you have any funny family stories? ‘funny’? not really. I have a second cousin? Who is a doctor and for some reason has had an ongoing joke since I was little that he is going to remove my spleen? is that funny? 

Are you religious? No. 

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies? #CriminalMinds #RIPWalker

Are you interested in cults? They are interesting but Im not exactly looking into joining one? lol

Would you like to raise a family in your country? No but i will never have the courage to leave

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got? family stability 

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling? I don’t have any siblings. 

Are you from a blended family? No. just a broken one. 

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not? Yes, because nobody else in my life does. 

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you? Calling me strong? saying I dont give up? Like i give up every day and everything affects me, Im not strong 

Do you keep a journal? As a kid i did. 

Would anyone be hurt by reading it? no, but don’t tell Jacob I had a crush on him in 5th grade

Do you have children? No

Have you been pregnant? No

List your favorite movies? A Beautiful Mind, Memento, The Breakfast Club, Dr. Strange. 

List your favorite people? @x-i-a-t & @reddragon8000

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body? I think I have a birth mark on my hip thats very faint, and all of my scars have honestly faded at this point that they are basically gone.

Do you look after yourself? Not at all lol

Do you put yourself or others first? others. 

Are you happy today? Im not extra sad, so Im as close as i can get. 

Are you loved? I think so. 

[supersadonlinejournaling]

return

lmao well, posting everyday obviously didnʻt happen. But to be fair, my laptop crashed on the first day of school and didnʻt get fixed and returned back to me until two days ago. I guess we can recap though. Itʻs gonna be a long one. 

Itʻs weird. Growing up, depression, and anxiety, and suicide was something that iʻd only ever occasionally see during TV commercials. Like the antidepressant commercials where theyʻd tell you that suicidal thoughts or behaviors would be a side effect to their product. As far as I knew until I was out of high school, depression wasnʻt something anyone ever really experiences. My mind couldnʻt comprehend what it meant to be sad all the time. Even my mom would make comments about how “depressed” people arenʻt actually depressed. Theyʻre just sad and need to get over it. It seemed like such an easy fix to me, obviously, just do stuff you like and itʻll make you happier. Itʻs easy to give advice to someone when you donʻt know whatʻs actually going through their mind. But here I am, 21 years old and struggling to find a reason to keep breathing. Because I grew up with the understanding that depression is something that probably affects 1 in a billion people, I never thought it would happen to me, but clearly thats not true. Depression is so much more common than I ever would have thought, but it has this negative stigma to it, that if you feel it, then theres something wrong with you. Youʻre taking advantage of your privileged life where you live in a nice neighborhood, you got what you wanted every Christmas, you've traveled the world, youʻre in the upper middle class, you have family that cares about you, and no ones ever hurt you. Granted, the last one isnʻt the case anymore, which is why I want to start writing here again. 

After my 6 weeks at the hospital, I honestly didnʻt feel that sad anymore. I actually went more than a day without jumping to suicide as the quickest and easiest way to solve all my problems. Although, of course, I wasnʻt fully cured just by going to therapy everyday in just 6 weeks. That would be magical, but it wasnʻt the case. I still wanted to hurt myself, and more in the ways that I have always done growing up: hitting myself during panic attacks, pressing my nails into my palms until I broke my skin, and pulling at my hair until it fell out. I wanted to bleed because I felt like I deserved it. Donʻt get me wrong, therapy helped tremendously, but I also left that place feeling stupid about the things I let myself do. I convince myself everyone hates me, that people laughing in the same room as me are laughing about me, that Iʻm pathetic, and useless, and that I donʻt deserve to live. The helped me realize all of that wasnʻt true, but I felt stupid because of course it isnʻt true. Thereʻs no possible way that each person that walks by hates me, thereʻs no way people sitting across the room laughing at the screen of their phones are laughing at me, Iʻm not pathetic, Iʻm not useless, and everyone deserves to live because thats why weʻre all here. 

I went a week thinking that maybe ill be okay finally. I wasnʻt thinking about how to end my life. I was hardly even thinking about hurting myself. I was just excited to go back to school. I knew that being in Hawaii again will make me happier especially because that means I wonʻt be in the presence of my mother who constantly would make comments about my low weight and bad eating habits or lack of. She stopped making those comments when I asked, but I can see it in her eyes that she was still judging me. In Hawaii Iʻd be by myself again. I feel like theres much less of a beauty standard here considering little to no people here cake makeup on their face, everyone is very relaxed and its a nice vacation from the stuck up wannabe beauty gurus that live in San Diego. I loved the smell of the air when I got off the plane. I love how dark it gets at night. I love being able to see the ocean out my window, and I love all the people. Everyone here will be the nicest and most generous people that youʻll ever meet. 

I ended IOP on August 15, 2018 at noon in San Diego, but exactly a week later, August 22nd, 2018 at 9 am in Hawaii, I got a notification from the guy that I really really liked. Hereʻs the backstory: This guy was in two of my classes during the fall 2017 semester. He sat behind me in one class, and in the second class our seats varied depending on which group we were assigned but we only sat close to each other once, and again he was behind me. No matter how I feel, depressed or not, I donʻt feel like Iʻm that attractive and I never have, but since this was the time when my depression and anxiety was getting worse and worse, I had never thought so little of myself, so I never bothered to even talk to him. What was the point? I knew it was going to end in a “no.” So I kept to myself hoping that, for whatever reason, heʻd talk to me out of the blue and then ask me out. Clearly that didnʻt happen because of the dates I just mentioned. Spring 2018, the next semester, I didnʻt have any classes with him, which bummed me out considering I spent all winter break convincing myself just to talk to him at least once when school starts. Both of us belong to the same major, one, if not, the smallest major at this school, so the chances of him being in more classes with me were pretty great. Unfortunately that didnʻt happen, andI was pretty sad about that. Either way, I got over it since it was out of my control, but by the end of January, I just couldnʻt take it anymore. Nothing happened, not that I can remember at least, but I have a vague memory of me crying while pacing in my dorm room and telling my mom how much I wish I had friends or how much I wish people would just like me and give me a chance. When I was done with that call, I didnʻt stop crying, I couldnʻt stop and that ended up being the closest I had ever gotten to killing myself. That night I had a plan, a date, and the intention of killing myself before the week was over. In my distorted, foggy, mind, I came up with the brilliant idea of doing something that I would normally regret. I figured that if I was so sure that I was going to be dead in 5 days, then I had nothing to lose if it doesnʻt work out. Just to note: if it did work out, then I was still going to kill myself. At 2 am that night I texted my best friend and told her my plan to message that guy I liked, tell him how I feel and then see where it goes from there. She wasnʻt aware of why I decided to come up with this idea, and she still doesnʻt know to this day, but maybe if we start talking again like we used to, then maybe Iʻll tell her why I made that decision. She hyped me up of course, and even sent the message for me when I was too scared to do it. I regretted it as soon as it happened, but I knew that there was no turning back, and I could only hope that he doesnʻt have message request notifications on. He did. Within about 45 seconds, my friend opened my Instagram account again on her phone to log out, and saw I had someone requesting to follow me, and it was him. He hadnʻt responded to the message, but he wanted to follow me, so I accepted him and followed him back. I actually convinced myself that this might turn into a love story, but 3 days passed and he never responded. The only interaction he had with me was occasionally watching my Instagram stories but that was it. I was left on read for 4 days in total, and the morning that I went to the bay to watch my last ever sunrise was the day I got a notification from him later that day. The orange 1 was in the top right corner of my screen and I couldnʻt be happier, but when I opened the message, he hadnʻt sent one to me. He only “liked” the message by double tapping the message bubble I sent and that was it. Nothing else. All I could think of was how much of an asshole he must be and that I'm glad this didnʻt work out. I wasnʻt scared of being rejected, well I was, but I was prepared for it, but if he was going to reject me, he couldʻve at least said, thank you for your interest but Iʻm in a relationship or something along those lines. Thatʻs what I wouldʻve said at least, but then again, I donʻt get messages from boys so what would I know?

Fast forward to 7 months later. August 22nd, 2018. What happened that day you might ask? Well, first of all, Hurricane Lane was predicted to rip through the islands so all campuses were closed so no one had school on the 3rd day of the semester. Second of all, I got a notification from the app called Hinge. The reason I downloaded that is because my therapist indirectly told me to. She said to download apps to meet friends, which I did, but I honestly, wanted a boyfriend more than I wanted a friend. If you get a boyfriend then you make friends with their friends, right? So I got Hinge. I chose Hinge because it was advertised to be an app where you actually meet people who want a relationship and not a hookup. If it wasnʻt already obvious, I havenʻt ever had a real boyfriend before so you can see where my hesitance to mindlessly hookup with guys comes from. The app gives you notifications every single time someone likes a picture of yours, and that particular morning, I was sitting on my bed, drawing on my iPad when I got the notification that “Nicholas liked you!” I couldnʻt tell you how angry I was. I canʻt even put it into words. I couldnʻt believe that the same person who wouldnʻt give me a second look 7 months ago, gave a shit about me today. I hated that. So in the midst of my rage, I matched with him and got his number. 

We talked all day that day, and all day the next day. I loved talking to him. He was into the same bands I was into, he thought I was funny (which is a good quality if you're lacking in physical beauty), and he was just a genuinely nice person, and I was really happy and felt really lucky to be talking to him, but then we ended up in a conversation about how my laptop crashed a few days ago, so my access to Netflix is limited to my iPad that hardly stays connected to the internet, which isnʻt ideal for being in the middle of a hurricane with nothing else to do. He asked me if I wanted to come over and watch Netflix on his laptop, and I said yes. Just to repeat, this app was Hinge and not Tinder, so I assumed that he meant that weʻd actually watch Netflix on his laptop when I got there. But to be fair, I know that Iʻm stupid, I know that I shouldnʻt have expected that to actually happen, but like I said, THIS IS HINGE NOT TINDER. When I got there, he introduced me to his roommates, whoʻs names I didnʻt care to remember, and he led me to his room where he turned on an amazon prime documentary about some haunted house. Both of us liked scary movies, and that was yet another sign of him probably trying to make a move on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Iʻm stupid. We cuddled, and Iʻll admit that in that moment I felt even happier. I felt comfortable. I felt weirdly like I belonged right there. This was the first time that any guy had ever ever liked me back, and it was a guy I thought was far out of my league, but there we were, cuddling on his bed, he was holding my hand, and rubbing his thumb against my palm. It was the best feeling Iʻve ever experienced, and I know thatʻs sad to admit considering cuddling with a guy at 21 was the highlight of my life right there. About 45 minutes into my stay we started kissing, and if I was more experienced, I maybe wouldʻve realized that he was trying to get me to kiss him before that, but just give me a break. Iʻm a slow learner. Despite how nice it was to cuddle with him, I canʻt say the same for kissing him. For some reason, I always thought that my first kiss, even if my first kiss was with a guy I didnʻt like as much as him, would be more exciting. I honestly expected to have a Princess Diaries moment where Iʻd get butterflies and my foot would pop up behind me. Thats not what happened, I just kinda laid there and hoped I was kissing alright. I just wanted to get back to cuddling. 

Eventually we stopped, and cuddling didnʻt exactly feel the same after that. I still enjoyed being there but I was let down by that kiss, and I was also hoping that we could try again and see if it was better the second time, it wasnʻt and not for the reasons that made suicide tempting again, but because it was just dull. Heʻs my only reference as to who is a good kisser or not, so I have no clue if it was that, or if I just wasnʻt as into it as I had hoped. Like last time, we kissed for a while and I expected it to end within a minute or two so we could finish watching this movie, but soon he moved on top of me. and kept kissing me and before I knew it, his hands were between my legs and I stopped. If Iʻm being honest, I wouldnʻt have stopped if I didnʻt go through IOP. I wouldʻve sat there and took it even though I wasnʻt ready or having fun because I didnʻt think I had the power to say no. But I did, I stopped and shook my head and he looked down at me. I told him I had never had sex before and he seemed surprised, which Iʻm still trying to figure out if thats a good or a bad thing. I either looked like a slut that has slept with every guy at school and he was shocked that wasnʻt the case, or he's just surprised that a 21 year old virgin unknowingly agreed to come over and have sex with him. Either way, he told me that was okay and we didn't have to do it. I apologized, 3 times, and he really did make me feel better about it. He kissed me so I would stop apologizing which is something that I thought only happens in cheesy fan fiction or unrealistic love stories. I was happy again. I was happy to be cuddling with him, and kissing him was better. I determined at that point, that our kisses werenʻt that great because I subconsciously knew where those kisses were going to lead even if I wasnʻt okay with it. So we stopped, started another movie and eventually started kissing again within 15 minutes of the movie that I actually did want to watch. Knowing we werenʻt going to do anything I wasnʻt comfortable with made the kiss more enjoyable. Thatʻs where I genuinely believed weʻll have a relationship from this point on and be super cliche and obnoxious by walking each other to class and kissing one another good bye as we go on our day. Sadly that wasnʻt the case because my first “no” apparently wasnʻt convincing enough because he touched me between my legs again. My second “no” wasnʻt convincing enough either. Neither was the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, or eighth time. I started counting after three, seeing how many it would take for the man above me to listen. 8 wasnʻt the answer because at that point I just stopped saying anything. He was 6 foot 4, over 200 pounds and way too big and heavy for me to be able to effectively push him off of me, so I gave up. I shut my mouth and let him touch me even though I didnʻt like it at all. I hated it. I hated that feeling. He wanted all my clothes off, but I did muster up the confidence to say that I didnʻt want my bralette off, but that wasnʻt an issue with him because he pushed it off to the side anyway, as if I didnʻt say anything. I donʻt know what we did to be honest. I know he got off to something we did but I donʻt know if it was dry sex or something different, either way I hated it, but he clearly got what he wanted and that was it. 

After he was finished, we laid down again and watched the last bit of the third movie he had put on. I laid down with my hands interlocked as I began my bad habit of pressing my fingernails into my skin. I can still see the scar from where I pressed the hardest as I type this. I was numb. It was a situation where I expected to have a crippling panic attack but I didnʻt. I just laid there. My legs were straight and my harsh grip of my hands were resting on my stomach. He was laying next to me, his phone in his hands as he scrolled through Instagram and texted some of his friends, as if none of that ever happened. As if he didnʻt completely violate the body of someone who has never been touched, someone who trusted him and he took advantage of that. I know that he never liked me, I just know that when he saw my picture on that app, he knew Iʻd be willing to have sex with him because I was already interested. He wouldʻve messaged me back in January if he wanted anything more than to get off. We didnʻt talk for almost 30 minutes before he grabbed my legs and swung them over my hips so we could cuddle again and I hated it. I knew my car was just outside the window and I couldnʻt wait to get into it and go back home. I didnʻt want to be here any longer, but I didnʻt even feel like I had the strength to get up. I just sat there, barely paying attention to the movie as I contemplated my worth as a human being. 

When the movie was over, he turned on his bedroom lights, closed his computer and watched me get dressed, before walking me to the door and saying “see ya later.” He greeted me with a hug when I got there, so I thought maybe Iʻd at least get one when I left but I didnʻt. Nothing. He shut the door before I was even off the concrete porch, and I walked in the rain and dirt filled puddles to my car and back to my bed. I took a shower as soon as I got inside, feeling like I could get rid of the feelings and memories as I scrubbed them away on my body, but that did nothing but make me smell like me and not his cologne. That was the first night I had cut myself in 4 years, and it started a bad habit since then. I hated myself, I genuinely hated myself. I hated myself for so many reasons. I hate that I was stupid enough to think he actually wanted to hang out with me. I hate that I was stupid enough to apologize for not having sex with him. I hate that I thought he actually liked me. I hate that I ruined the only opportunity I had to actually be happy. I hate that I thought it was my fault, but I also hated knowing that it was my fault. I hate that Iʻm not good enough for anyone. Iʻm not and have never been a girl that gets any attention from guys. I never do. I haven't in years, and itʻs not that I donʻt notice it, itʻs that I donʻt get it. Ever. It took 21 years to find a guy that actually liked me back and I ruined it because Iʻm me. The whole situation makes me feel like some kind of dirty rag. A dirty rag that has been sitting in the cabinet in the garage for years. Itʻs waiting in the back with cobwebs and spiders nesting inside of it, and the one day it gets used is the day when all the nicer rags are dirty and needing to be washed. Iʻm the last resort. I know I am. 

I felt worthless. I know Iʻm not though, I know Iʻm worth something even though it may not be a lot. Iʻm just some below average 21 year old girl who gets average grades, and has no friends, no special talents, no nothing. If I was gone maybe 4 people would cry, and all of them are my family. No one else would, I know that they wouldnʻt, so clearly Iʻm not worth a lot, but it is something. Although, I think other people determine your worth as well. Not to say their version of your worth is more accurate than what you feel about yourself, but people are gonna treat you based on how much they think youʻre worth. I could walk around with a sign on my chest saying I'm worth a million dollars, and I can convince myself that I am, but no ones gonna treat me as such. If I actually was worth a million dollars, then I wouldnʻt have gotten molested in the bed of the guy I could see myself marrying in my fantasy world that I came up with in my head. He thinks Iʻm worth far less than that, and thats how he treated me. No girls were responding to his messages on tinder so he downloaded hinge and I was one of the first people he saw. He didnʻt like me because I was me, he didnʻt like the things I had on my profile, he saw an opportunity to get himself off with little to no effort. He knew Iʻd want to come over, and he took advantage of that. To him, Iʻm not worth a relationship of any kind. He didnʻt want to ask me questions about me, he didnʻt want to know anything about me, he just wanted my body, and to him any body is good enough because as long as he keeps his eyes closed, then he can imagine me as any girl in the world, except who I really am. He makes me feel worthless, and I want to forget that night. I hate that I hesitate going to my yoga class in the schoolʻs gym, afraid hell be there when I walk in. I hate that I saw his car in the parking lot of the school. I hate that I see his face in album covers of music I listen to. I hate that anything can make me think of him, and I wish I was thinking good things. I wish the image that would flash in my brain is the image of his smile with the sound of his laugh. I wish I felt how happy I was when we were together. But I donʻt. The image I see is his shadow covered face as he looked down at me after the third time he touched me. I hate that I imagine his room and how I can see the door as if I was ready to run out of it. I hate that I canʻt look at my outfits the same if I grab something I wore that night. I hate that I canʻt even look down at my arm without being able to point out which scars were from that night. I hate that I think about it every day and its been three weeks. I make a conscious effort to keep my mind busy from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep in fear that Iʻll flash back to that again, but no matter. what it still happens. No matter how much I hurt myself because I feel like I deserve it, no matter what I think of, it circles back to him, and I want it to stop.