#someone tell me im not useless

[acaesic]

i really want to finish all my unfinished art before i turn 15 but im so burnt out rn 😭 </3

#i have two days #including this one #i wanna draw #but also i fucking hate drawing #but i love drawing but i HAT EIT AND ITS THE WORST AAAAAUUGGGHHHHHHHHH #mostly because i just wanna feel like less of a failure in some way #art for me is about 50% passion and 50% a crippling desire to prove that im not useless and an idiot #so because of the lack of stability there i always end up with a dozen unfinished art projects #when i cant live up to my own expectations i give up #i think this is me still clinging to my childhood in a way #i always wanted to be a child prodigy but i never had talent or skill in anything #so now that im rapidly getting further and further from childhood i feel a desperate need to prove that im not worthless #its like #my 15th birthday feels to me like how jonathan larson did about his 30th. is that fucked up to say .. #aaaaaaaaaaa :’) i want to finish all the art i promised but i genuinely just. cant #chase said something alright #sigh. i have ideas #im plagued with visions but i have none of the time #i want to draw patrick and pete #i want to draw the cast of community all smiling and stuff. because i love and adore all of them #id like to finish my vampire dallon art but im So Bad at shading without reference #i so desperately want to just share my art and feel okay but I CANT ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH #IVE MADE SO MANY EMPTY PROMISES ABOUT FINISHING ART AND SHARING ART AND AND AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #someone tell me im not useless #<- dont do that im responsible for my own happiness #anyway UM. sorry if you opened this #you know what. in spite of everything i didnt do at least um. uhhhhhhhh #i won a 3ft tall shadow the hedgehog plushie at a carnival.

[digitaldreamsss]

i wish i was with him.

#blog.txt #objectum #posic #objectromantic #os/or #dec vt220 #i just dont know how to get the courage to talk about him #like to actually tell my family about my plans #im worried they’d say that its useless #because hes an older model and expensive #gah… yearning… yearning hard #i wonder if he thinks about me or being with someone #:(

[svnflowermoon]

why can i literally not function at school like i swear i'm trying i just can't focus????

#luc posts #like i take notes but then i get bored and the doodle on the side of my page thst was meant to take 5 seconds took 10 minutes :( #and then im lost and bc im lost i get all fidgety and i keep doodling and then jts just a cycle #if i work for 20 minutes i feel like ive ran a marathon and i have to take a 40 minutes drawing/staring into the distance break #and im gonna fail maths but theres literally nothing i can do no matter what i do I can't focus for over 20 minutes at a time #and then its the end of class and i feel guilty bc oh i didnt do any work :( like i feel bad and i want to fix it but idk whats wrong so ho #can i fix it if i dont know whats wrong with meeeee #ugh #it literally makes me want to cry am i just lazy is that what it is am i literally useless why cant i work #like i was so ahead kf the average grades and i never learnt to study and now ugh i dont know how to function so i just dont #and it doesn't help that my friends are all geniuses #like they complain about their one mark away from full marks and im just like OH MY GOD if i could just focus then i coukd do so well #likr ok i guess i wont mention tjst i failed that test bc yall sre complaining about getting one mark off fukl makrs #likr fuckkkk okay i have so mucb potential why di i waste jt :((((( #i hate school so mucb #i genuinely consider dropping out sometimes like I CANT DO THIS hiw do these peiole di ut how hiw how someone tell me how to function #like these peiole getting top marks withiut eben truijgn and i tyr and i cant fishcis so i fail snd then ufh i want to die #bc its so embarassing i eas like top 10% of the class a few years ago and now i just cant function like how do these peiple do itso #someone explain ot me how oieolem focus and dony get distracted and ginish things kike ugh

[steakout-05]

*proceeds to display my dad's collection of 80s garfield books that i'm keeping, the garfield plushies and stickers i have literally all over my room, the thousands of comics i have downloaded on all of my devices and my entire side blog that is specifically dedicated to jon arbuckle*

#garfield #autism #shitpost #listen i could not tell you what 7+6 equals in a timely manner but i could tell you about a really obscure detail from a specific garfield- #-comic strip along with the exact date it was published and probably even the societal context behind the comic if it has one #like for example did you know that in the 'Jon' protoype comic published on the 8th of sep 1977 there's a mention of spock from star trek? #except his name is misspelled as ''spok'' which i think is unreasonably funny #also the joke from ''garfield gets a life'' where someone tells jon to buzz off and he literally buzzes in response- #-had its very first iteration in the prototype strip that was published on the 17th of february 1977. thought that was interesting #the phrase ''big fat hairy deal'' came from the prototype strip as well #im autisming so hard on this comic strip dude it takes up like 80% of my brain now #also a really interesting but irrelevant fact is that garfield's first birthday strip was published on the 20th of june instead of the 19th #-like it always is from that date forward. completely useless fact since i'm guessing it still takes place on the 19th anyway but y'know. #anyway. i got the garfield autism in me

[napping-sapphic]

Hey there's this girl in my class who's been writing me (outta 250 ppl in our class).

At the beginning it was to have sum information about a trip she couldn't go to, but now she keeps writing me without a reason n all my friends think it's bcuz she likes me but she didn't make my gaydar blip or anything... Actually she looks hetero 100%

How do I understand if she's being gay or just polite wtf please send help🙏☠️

Ahh the good ole “is she flirting” dilemma gotta love it

Unfortunately (again) i am really not the person to ask as i am both Oblivious™️ and lacking like most of the other context to this but if I had to give advice i would say:

Don’t discount her on stuff like gaydar like maybe mine is just faulty af but i get it wrong CONSTANTLY lol I learned really quick to just not try and guess and let people tell me themselves. And then also just be patient with it! Maybe she’s interested in you romantically or maybe she’s interested in being your friend! And both are great things to have :) either way if she keeps reaching out it sounds like she’s been enjoying talking with you so maybe just persue the connection naturally and see where it goes!

Idk maybe try inviting her out to a casual lunch and see how it goes, it’s hard to tell if a relationship will develop without first developing the base relationship at all imo

I’m really sorry I can’t be of any actual help but good luck with it all!!

#asks #for those keeping count i am now 0 for 3 in terms of advice asks😌 #putting the useless back into useless lesbian frfr #i usually tell my irl friends things similar to this when they ask me advice #but then they say ‘no that’s not how it WORKS’ #so i can only assume i’m misunderstanding some fundamental part of dating at all times #idk like even if you start dating early i always feel like you gotta be friends first #so there’s no harm in trying to be friends with someone while ALSO trying to figure out if a dating relationship is on the table #again though i’ve been told i’m missing something there so i’m probably wrong somehow lol #oh and by friends first i mean just like establishing a friendly connection beyond like school or work communication #do NOT mean people have to go through months of friendship to date #to clarify #idk im really out of my depth with this kind of thing if you can’t tell😓 #🍀 <- four leaf clover to wish you luck!

[clowningaroundmars]

not to vent or anything (bc i Know Better than to air personal feelings out on the internet) but finding out i was aroace really feels like biting the apple in the garden of eden in possibly the worst way

now i'm not stupid, this isnt my first day being A Minority in the United States Of America and im not saying im not outrageously proud of being aroace because i AM!

but it does get to me sometimes. it does.

how ppl regard us, esp us aromantics. how they talk behind their hands when they think we're not listening, the awkward silences and knitted brows when we talk abt our experiences, the casual exclusion of our very existence, the disappointed looks and the tone used when someone being friendly with you suddenly goes "oh..." once they realize they're not going to be able to fuck or date you anytime soon.

and esp me being a VERY romance repulsed aroace, i know that palpable feeling in the air as you're vibing and hanging with ppl and feeling the Human Connections form, only for the whole charade to drop the SECOND the other person learns they're never going to be able to suck on your face is just. god.

how can i possibly describe how Tired i am?

its just unbelievably disgusting how transactional every interaction seems to be nowadays. i don't expect Everyone Ever to understand me, but i just want to be regarded as a goddamn human being! is that so much to ask?

it honest to god makes me extremely wary of who i befriend and i hate that i have to be this way in order to protect myself bc ppl Cannot Handle Friendship i fucking guess!

anyways. whatever, idk.

#mine #delete later #this is very out of character for me sorry yall #but i See how ppl talk abt and treat aspecs! esp in fandoms!! and i HAVE HAD IT!!!!!!! #im so fucking sick and tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #stop fucking treating us like we're The Enemy. or a Useless Piece of Garbage to Throw Away. or an Obstacle #like what the actual fuck bro #we're discarded. treated as less than. ignored. erased. silenced. all bc we dont “love” in the Societally Accepted Way #it fucking makes my blood boil #and i hate that i have to be This Way. learning that i was aroace was amazing and incredible #learning how society treats nonpartnering ppl tho? less than stellar #i want to make so many friends. i want to Reach Out #im like ariel in the little mermaid. i really DO want to be where the people are! #but i can't. bc i risk the possibility of Having Someone Fall In Love With Me #its so fucking frustrating. i dont mind rejecting ppl but most ppl are such giant fucking pissbabies it sucks so much #i meet someone → we bond and we vibe → they want to fuck/“love” me → i reject them but tell them we can be friends still → #they throw a tantrum and/or ghost me → rinse and repeat #its like. what the fuck is even the point nowadays honestly. #i might as well just never befriend anyone ever i guess!!!!!! i dont want to be like this but i guess i have to! #and i HAVE noticed that ive been more withdrawn. reserved. i keep to myself more after finding out im aroace #for that exact reason #atp my friend circles primarily consist of other aspecs and like Married Old People #god. ugh. #okay bitchfest is over LOL #sorry this is probs so whiny #but i just needed to get this out somewhere tbh bc as i get older i become more Tired each and everyday #there ARE times where i am very Smug abt me being romance repulsed as a funny little ha-ha joke #but other times it truly is like an anvil on my back. sometimes... sometimes... i wish it was just a little lighter. sigh.

[girl-bateman]

My number one loser behaviour is hate-watching this one fuckass sims youtuber until I get so angry that I have to turn it off before the adrenaline makes me pull an all-nighter

#i feel like i shouldnt say who it is but if you have a sims youtuber nemesis PLS tell me who #bc if we have the same one we have to kiss with tounge <3 #i realise this is rich coming from ME but the reason i hate her is that shes just so disturbingly negative all the time #ALL. THE. TIME. #when you start noticing it youll drive yourself crazy watching her videos #bc i swear every other minute there will be something she complains about #if i took a shot every time she complained in a video id be passed out by the 5 minute mark #there is an easy solution to this you say- stop watching her #and yes. i do avoid watching for the most part but shes like the most popular sims ytber and her videos get recommended #plus i guess i like the hate watching in small doses #plus some days when im in a good mood i can ignore it #plus she actually makes decent videos despite her personality (shes legit a good person too she just annoys me on a spiritual level) #i need someone who is a sims loser like me to bitch with in the most useless hater way possible !!! #ALSO i realise the irony of me complaining abt her complaining !! i get it. the whole thing is dumb ! and yet here i am... still pissed off #me abt x > let me say im the biggest hater. i hate the way that you walk the way that you talk the way that you dress.. etc ect. #actually why am i trying to explain myself in these tags 💀 who caresssss its the sims omg #but yeah i hate her fr i think #on my hitlist. its on sight

[maximum-father]

can anyone hear me am I fucking dead I need to get out I need to do something drastic I just need to do anything just fucking anything please for the love of god

#i dont want it to find me again im not scared of it i just dont want to do it again i know i will it just looks so inviting then it isnt and #oh my fucking god i am a useless fucking person i need to go. i need to fucking go. #im heading casualonas to the password protected area and none of you fuckers are getting in i need to be alone i need someone to tell me its #all going to be alright i just need everything to be okay please god why cant sofia come back online i miss my fucking daughter i miss her i #miss him i miss it i just need someone anyone but i cant i cant get the fucking words out of my head holy fuck #its fine. its fine. ill go down to the basement and work on her. keep her maintenanced. its fine. #idle chatting #straightverse

[tamagotchikgs]

i could b so happy right now if it weren’t 4 my own evil thoughts about myself huh

#just had that realization #literally . everything is ok. i am . i am the only problem #right now somehow everything is fine except for me #but my low selfesteem n need to lean into it is just !!! fuckn me up!!! #it feels like ​if i don’t let it win then someone else will #bad things will happen if i dont tell myself i am the worst & most unlovable & useless person and i need to kms everyday at least 5 times #if i don’t tell myself that im not worthy or enough 4 them then they will #& im too scared of that

[yelloworangesoda]

gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this

#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me #‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds #im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing #life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something #i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore #i finished. and i hate it #i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here #i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant #it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them #i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just #didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore #ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better #idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu #but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years #and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!! #i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad #i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped #like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this #drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me #not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess #yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well. #i dont like to say the words #simons spouting #vent :(

[mrfoox]

The fact I refuse to confront/inform the people who have basically ruined my mental state and my ability to function bc that would make them feel bad is honestly bonkers

#miranda talking shit #I cant say id be having a good and normal life if i wasnt abused as a young child but im 90% sure I'd not have this must trouble #Id still have my autistic and add problems but my anxiety and depression would definitely be a lot better #Its... Insane. That my older brothers probably have no idea how much they have actually ruined my life/mental state from such an earlh age #As 4 yrs old... Hell they might not even remember it or even think it was a 'big deal'. I know my second oldest brother probably falls into #The latter. I know now that they both most likely have undiagnosed adhd/autism and they used me as a way to act out/feel better #But being told youre stupid. Fat. Ugly. Useless from the age of 4 like... I cant stress how much it have ruined my self image #Ive tried to build confidence in myself and love myself since my teens and i can barely say im 'avarge' without doubting it #Like they also hit me but that's nothing compared to the mental torture i had to go through on an almost daily basis #Funniest thing is that bc it happened/started when i was so young i didnt think it was... Bad or weird or abnormal. #I started crying when my parents told me to go tell my brothers it was dinner time. I was terrified of knocking on their doors #I still to this day 20 years later am still incredibly uncomfortable and anxious talking with them and i havent been able to make much of #An relationship with them bc of it. Im scared to say anything to them even if its simple shit. And men/boys in general ive thus been #Terrified of since i was young. Once again i thought it was normal to mistrust and be scared of men until i was in my teens #I wish i could hate them i wish i could be angry i wish i had someone to blame #But no my brain is too nice and give excuses to them. Their actions are excused. They have ruined me mentally but thats not their fault #Fuck that might be true but they were still 6 and 11 years older than me. I didnt have a chance to protect myself in any way #I wish someone saw i wasnt okay. I wish someone understood that i wasnt well. I wish someone saw me. #Negative #Abuse

[echoesofadream]

OH SHIT BAND VERSION

#REMIXES R SO USELESS NEVER LISTEN TO THEM BUT THIS ONE #only listened to snippets of the others but im not wasting this song on weird remixes #can someone else listen to them and tell me if any is worth listening to

[hey-its-me-rolly-polly]

I need someone to tell me what to do at all times

#me posting #im so fucked up #useless dumbass cant even work #my back is killing me and it feels like cramps but thats over and done w for now so #then i dont have an appetite and im so starving that i nearly passed out in the kitchen but i cant fuxking eat #and im low on iron #fucking. fucked up #please someone tell me what to do at all times

[hylianengineer]

So. Fucking. Tired. Of looking for a new therapist.

#and no longer on speaking terms with the previous one #peobably for the best #still frustrated #i feel like there's mental healthcare for normal people priblems and for mentally ill people and i need the latter. #it's hard to tell which therapists do which of those things #also im being forced to send SO MANY EMAILS #fuck emails #and everyone says they specialize in anxiety and depression ebcause they're common but everybody's specialization list is a mile long #so they cant really specialize in all of it. i need someone who really does specialize in depression and their info is fucking useless #they won't tell me their real specializations they just claim to know everything #hylian rambles #mental health #mental healthcare

[violentdevotion]

I had multiple dreams last night.

I had a bf </3

someone in my family got bit by a zombie </3

some guy made me explain narrative structure to him </3

#ameera speaks #1 expanded) it was someone ik in real life 😔 which sucks soooo bad anyway he was at mine and we were watching a movie in my bed on my #laptop < (loser behaviour) and okay so im lying by referring to him as my bf bc we were just friends in the dream but then he started like #acting well intimate and i wasnt not into it so i was like hey whats going on here and we had a talk and then i had to sneak him out of my #house. dream 2) zombie apocalypse im in my room my nephews and nieces come in and i usher them out. the world is the samw just + zombies. #like think covid when it was dire but schools were still open? (my dream was a commentary on the countries failures to manage covid) so i #usher my neohews and nieces out and i make a comment to my sister in law like ooh im scared one of them got bit and my nephew was like some #girl bit me at school today and i told his mum and i stayed in my room and like an hour later i rang her like whats the update #and she was like oh yeah and came into my room to find my journal on zombie stuff and sge was like should i just cut off his arm and i was #idk try but if that doesnt work youre gonna have to... and she was SO CASUALLL !!!! and as she was leaving she started like picking things #up off the floor and i made a comment like your sons dying and youre sweeping and she was like way harsh tai and i woke up #that one was a commentsry on covid and also how i might be too mean to my sister in laws sometimes #3) i was in a library with friends researching smth and some asian guy sits on our table turns his back to us and talks to his friends. #then he starts playing music loudly from his phone and i move back to my table and as im walking he stops me and starts talking to some #girl on the table next to mine who he knows and is like hey i have an assignment due where i have to write a compelling narrative from my #own life ur clever can u help and she was a stem girly and went highschool with me and she pointed at me like ask her she does english #and he was like no u just tell me and she started helping him but i felt the advice she was giving was.. bad. so i interrupted like dont #you think that you should do __ instead and we had a discussion about it till i woke up. < that dream was a commentary on how useless my #degree is and how i wish it wasnt useless

[krak-house]

I need to stop reading izzy-centric fics, for my mental health. Will i? No, but i admit that i should

#teddy talks #ofmd #izzy hands #its the 'i dont deserve nice things' #its the 'my wants and needs domt matter in this scenario' #its the 'i dont deserve to want things' #the 'my loyalty is immaterial to the person im loyal to and therefore my existence is meaningless' #the 'pain is the only way i can communicate properly' #the 'my only purpose is as a tool no one needs my personhood inteuding on their lives' #my best friend of 6 years stopped tlaking to me bc she realized i wouldnt fuck her if you couldnt tell #im also a little drunk #but still. the whole 'my friendship and loyalty means nothing to you if i cant also provide romance and sensuality - #2 things i am diametrically opposed to - and therefore i am useless to you as soon as someone shows up with a better offer' #yeah. that hurts.