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mothandpidgeon · 2 days

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Unrequited (bfd! pre-outbreak!/Jackson!Joel Miller x f!reader)

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pairing: bfd! pre-outbreak!/Jackson!Joel Miller x f!reader

rating: E 18+MDNI

summary: You arrive in Jackson 22 years after the outbreak only to be reunited with your best friend’s dad, the man that stole your heart and broke it when you were fourteen– Joel Miller.

contents: best friend's dad, age gap, outbreak night (nothing that isnt in ep 1), big angst, abandonment issues, brief suicidal ideation, daddy issues, grief, Joel guilt, unprotected p in v sex, reader doesn't know where Jakarta is, reader is not described physically but Joel picks (adult) reader up, moth never uses y/n.

wc: 9k

a/n: This has been a bitch to finish but I'm quite proud of where it ended up. It's the longest os I've written which makes me nervous nobody will want to read it but I hope you do.

Thank you a million times to @ezrasbirdie for making me finish this and betaing. Also thank you @lowlights for listening to me ramble on this! Dividers by @saradika-graphics

Old man, take a look at your life. I’m a lot like you. Neil Young

You’re waiting for Sarah on the front steps when she gets home. School ended nearly two hours ago and you’ve been sitting here a ball of nerves. The whole world seems to be uneasy this afternoon. You notice sirens, a team of fighter jets scrambling above. It's like your anxiety has spilled out of your chest and it’s taken life all around you.

You finger the corner of your notebook. On the inside are doodles— hearts and bubble letters. Juvenile daydreams put to paper. Your first name and after it his last, testing out the sound of who you would be if only you’d been born in a different decade. Mrs. Miller.

Sarah doesn’t look very happy to see you. It’s been two weeks since you’ve talked to her and you’ve never felt more lonely.

Her words still ring in your ears.

“It’s like you’re in love with my dad.”

“No I'm not!” you said, your whole body tingling with the heat of embarrassment. You’d never felt so exposed in your life.

“Sometimes I think that’s the only reason you’re even friends with me,” she said.

You've been ruminating on that accusation ever since. You pine for Mr. Miller the way only a fourteen year old can. It’s the kind of infatuation that makes you understand how Romeo and Juliet ended in tragedy. All-consuming, unrequited, so in love it hurts.

So maybe Sarah’s right. Your heart flutters every time Mr Miller appears in the kitchen, wearing a dark t-shirt that hugs his biceps. You try not to stare at his aquiline nose when he drives you home from Sarah’s soccer games. Sleep overs at the Miller’s house mean more opportunities to be around him, learn the little details that make him him. And there were plenty of sleep overs because your parents are always so busy fighting, they never bother to keep track of you.

But you’ve been in agony without your friend. It’s a pain sharper and more present than the yearning you’ve felt for Mr. Miller. You’ve talked to her every day since you moved to Austin in fourth grade and since this fight, there’s been an empty space in your heart.

“Hi.” You stand up, hoisting your backpack awkwardly over your shoulder.

“I’m supposed to go next door,” Sarah says.

“Can I just talk to you for a minute?” you ask.

She sighs but opens the front door with her key and lets you follow her into the living room.

“I’m sorry,” you say before you lose your nerve. “You’re right. I like your dad.”

It’s probably the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever owned up to. You wish you could explain to her that you know how silly it is to be in love with a full grown man, your best friend’s dad. It’s not like he’ll ever see you as anything other than a kid.

You can’t put into words how he makes you feel. It’s not just his broad shoulders or chocolate eyes, though it’s undeniable that he’s gorgeous. He asks about school and comes to see you in the musical. Joel is an adult that actually gives a crap about you.

You want to tell Sarah that one of the reasons you love her father so much is because of her. Because he’s such a good dad, because he raised such a cool, funny, smart daughter. That Sarah makes him better.

It’ll take years for you to find words for all of that. So you just do your best right now.

“I can’t help it. I wish I could,” you say.

That’s true. And not just because your crush has made you lose your only friend. It’s exhausting to feel such a powerful longing, to want something you know you’ll never have. It’s torture.

“But you’re my best friend. And that’s not why. I promise,” you say.

Sarah sighs heavily, her pretty hazel eyes full of remorse.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I shouldn’t have said that. I just get jealous sometimes.”

“I promise I won’t make you feel that way ever again. I could never like him more than you,” you tell her, sitting beside her on the couch and looking her in the eye so she knows you mean it. “He’s…old.”

You both laugh.

“He’s so lame. This morning he said that Jakarta is in the Middle East,” she giggles.

You don’t know where the hell Jakarta is but of course Sarah does. You throw your arms around her. You’ve missed her so damn much. The past two weeks have felt like two decades.

“I’m sorry,” you tell her.

“Me too.” She returns your embrace. “Do you have to go home? You can sleep over if you want. It’s my dad’s birthday but I don’t think he’s going to be home until late.”

Your heart twinges at the offer and not because it means you might see Mr. Miller at breakfast. You won’t even look at him again. Tonight is about your friend.

You end up watching some corny action movies and gorging yourselves on microwave popcorn. Everything feels right again. You don’t think about Mr. Miller. In fact, you’re grateful that his double has gone over into a late night so you don’t have to be in the same room. You’ve sworn to yourself that you’ll act normal around him but you’re not sure that sheer willpower can stop you from getting butterflies when he’s right there.

At some point, you pass out in front of the tv, happier than you’ve been in a long time.

Sarah nudges you awake sometime after midnight, concern all over her face.

“Was I snoring?” you ask, groggy.

She’s looking out the window. Helicopters fly so low overhead, the whole house rattles. It’s a wonder you slept through all of this noise— the choppers are joined by the wail of a car alarm, pops like fireworks. The TV is playing a high-pitched tone and when you peer at it, you see a test pattern on the screen.

Dread settles in the pit of your stomach.

“Something’s going on,” Sarah says almost to herself.

A sudden thud against the back door makes you both jump. You swear, shaken out of your sleepy haze.

“Mercy?” Sarah asks.

You’ve spent enough time with Sarah to become acquainted with their neighbors The Adlers and their border collie Mercy. Mr Adler used to pay you each a dollar to walk him. Mercy’s frantically pawing at the glass.

Sarah goes to the door and steps into the yard. You follow, unsure you want to leave the familiar safety of the house but unwilling to be alone with such an eerie feeling in the air.

“What’re you doing out here, boy?” Sarah says, crouching down to pet the whimpering animal.

“Where’s your dad?” you ask her.

You hope the question doesn’t make Sarah think you’ve already forgotten your promise. Everything’s just so wrong. You’d feel a lot better with an adult around.

“Don’t think he came home yet,” she says. You can hear the concern in her voice. “Let’s take Mercy back. The Alder’s will be home.”

Mercy puts up a fight as Sarah pulls him across the lawn. It’s late and dark save the street lamp and a few porch lights that have been left on. You shiver despite the fact that it’s a warm southern night.

The front door to the Adler’s house stands open and inside is black. No. Bad. You want to run back to the Miller’s house and lock the door behind you but the promise of Mr. And Mrs. Adler inside keeps you moving towards the darkened entrance. Maybe Mrs. Adler will give you some cookies while you wait for Mr. Miller.

Sarah steps in first. The dog bucks and strains against her grip on his collar. Sarah fights to keep hold of him but Mercy’s thrashing makes him hard to pin down. He pulls free from Sarah’s grasp and darts away.

You have half a mind to do the same but Sarah keeps going forward. She’s scared, too, her breaths shallow as she tip toes down the hall.

“Mrs. Adler?” Sarah asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

You reach for each other without even realizing it and you enter the kitchen holding hands.

What you see there is beyond your wildest imaginings. There’s blood, a lot of it. Sarah’s shoe slides in the stuff and you grab her before she loses her balance. The room is cast in shadows but a street light streams through the window in the side door. Its beam falls over the form of Mr. Adler, limp on the floor. His back is against the door and a gush of dark blood sparkles in the sodium vapor.

You’ve never seen so much blood, never seen anyone injured so brutally. It looks like he’s been attacked by some wild animal. Mercy was acting strange but the dog couldn’t do that.

“Help me,” he rasps.

He’s speaking to you. You’re actually here. This is happening and you need to do something.

But before you can form a coherent thought, your eyes travel deeper into the kitchen. Beside the island is more blood…and more bodies.

As if seeing Sarah’s neighbor with his neck ripped open wasn’t enough of a horror, you’re now watching Nana hunched over Mrs. Adler’s corpse, her face buried in the younger woman’s neck. The scene before you makes no sense. Most of the time the old woman is barely conscious, hasn’t left her wheelchair in years and yet she’s on all fours before you looking feral.

Sarah squeezes your hand so tight you’re afraid your knuckles will break.

Nana slowly raises her face to you. Her eyes are pitch black and her mouth teems with twitching tendrils. You are staring at a living, breathing monster.

When she leaps at you, you and Sarah bolt for the door. Your heart hammers against your ribs. Sarah makes it out first and races towards the sidewalk.

Once you’ve gotten onto the front step, you slam the storm door shut behind you to trap whatever that thing is inside. SLAM. Nana collides with the door and it rattles violently. You hold it closed with every ounce of strength in you, listening to the creature behind it scratch and wail and willing yourself not to look through the glass to see its horrible face. Terror holds your muscles taught. You’re not sure how long you can stay like this, your sneakers skidding across the ground.

With a roar, Uncle Tommy’s truck pulls up at that very moment and Mr. Miller hops out of the passenger seat before its even come to a full stop. He’s a fearsome sight, broad and rippling with untamed energy, his muscular arms outlined by the headlights of the car. You’ve never been more grateful for his presence.

This nightmare is almost over. Joel’s come to save you.

“Girls get in the car!” he bellows. His voice is raw and ragged.

Just as you’re ready to make a run for it, The door flings out towards you, and you’re thrown aside as if you weigh nothing. You hit the driveway hard, your head connecting with concrete.

For a moment, you can’t hear anything but the gush of blood pumping in your ears. You’re dizzy. Suffocating. There’s a warm trickle at your temple. Sarah calls your name. Your vision is blurred but you can make out the ghoulish form of the creature barreling towards her.

“What’re we doing, Joel?” you hear Tommy ask.

There’s a thud and then quiet.

You gasp again and again but your lungs won’t fill.

Are you dying? Help. You need help. The monster lays lifeless at Joel’s feet and you pray that he’ll scoop you up and take you away from this. Your eyes finally come into focus to see Mr. Miller comforting Sarah, holding her face in his big palms, so fixated on her that he doesn’t notice that Mr. Adler has appeared in the doorway.

Mr. Adler is still covered in so much blood and his gait has become twitchy as if his legs are on backwards. He moves towards them and you want to call out a warning but you’re still choking for air. Luckily he hasn’t noticed you but he soon stands between you and the Millers.

“We’ve got to move,” Tommy says.

“Get in the car,” Mr. Miller says to Sarah, throwing a protective arm in front of her.

“But she’s hurt!”

She steps towards you. You’d cry her name but you’ve still got the wind knocked out of you and you’re too terrified to make a noise. Mr. Adler makes an inhuman sound as he advances, a croaking, growling gurgle.

Mr. Miller pushes Sarah towards the truck.

“Leave her!” he barks. “Get in the car!”

You sputter and choke as you watch Sarah, Joel, and Tommy drive away.

You wait for a long time.

As the truck pulls off of the curb, Mr. Adler is joined by his wife in the street, making chase. You’re finally able to draw breath and rouse your body off of the ground. You scramble back across the lawn to the Miller’s house and lock yourself inside. There’s enough adrenaline coursing through you that you’re able to push the sofa to barricade the front door. You draw all of the curtains and grab the biggest knife you can find in the kitchen. It’s ridiculous, something you’ve seen in scary movies, but you’re living in one right now.

You hide yourself away. Sarah’s bedroom seems like the obvious place to do it. Familiar and safe. You curl yourself into a ball in the corner, clutching your knife and staring at the closed door with wild eyes.

Sirens go through the night. Gunshots. At one point even the roar of a jet engine.

For hours your body quivers as you try to make sense of what you’ve just witnessed. Flesh-eating mutants. Gore. Death. You keep waiting to wake up from a bad dream but you don’t. They left you. They abandoned you in a nightmare.

No. That’s impossible. You can accept that a comatose elderly woman made supper out of her son in law but you refuse to believe that Joel would desert you.

He’ll come back for you. Sarah will convince him. There’s always been room for you in their family.

But as the sun begins to peek through the blinds and the noises outside fade away, you begin to lose hope.

The muscles in your body go slack, exhausted from hours of uncontrollable shaking. Your instinct for survival and your need for sleep war with each other. Exhaustion is winning.

You cautiously open the door to Sarah’s room. The house is still, more quiet than you’ve ever experienced. You creep into the room at the end of the hall. The olive green sheets on Joel’s bed are still messy from when he woke up here the day before. A normal morning. His birthday.

You rest the knife on the night stand amongst the things he emptied from his pockets— coins, receipts, a stray nail. You slip into the bed and wrap yourself up. It smells like him— spicy deodorant and sweat, fresh cut lumber like the hardware store. The scent reminds you of all those times he was close, when your heart leapt.

They’ll come back. Mr. Miller wouldn’t leave you.

He left you to die but you just go on living.

It takes some time before you’re brave enough to leave the Miller’s house and see what’s left of the world. Your parents are nowhere to be found. It’s safe to assume they were infected that first night.

You’re on your own.

A QZ is set up outside of San Antonio. They assign you to housing for separated minors. An orphanage. You never make friends, not really. Trust is too fickle.

At night you lay in your bunk and wonder what life would be like if anybody gave a shit about you. Maybe you would have been with your parents when it all went down. You’d be a snarling monster but at least you wouldn’t be alone.

On the worst nights, when you like yourself the least, Mr. Miller’s words echo around your skull. “Leave her.” She's not worth it. Forget her.

You don’t imagine yourself in his arms anymore. Instead you picture him and Sarah and Uncle Tommy, all happy and safe hiding out somewhere idyllic. A sweet little cabin with a stream nearby, surrounded by peaceful woods. You’ve heard some people live like that.

Some days you wish you were with them. Others you wish they were all dead.

When you turn 18, you age out of your living situation. It couldn’t come soon enough. Things are changing and it seems like all the kids that stay in FEDRA school are being groomed to go straight into uniform. You dodged that bullet but life’s not easy. Now you’re well and truly alone, scraping by to keep food in your mouth and a roof over your head.

It only lasts a few years, though. By the time you’re 21, there’s an emergency evacuation. Outbreaks are happening within the walls and with so many people living on top of each other, it’s only a matter of time before shit hits the fan. They send swaths of people to Dallas but word is, there’s no room for such numbers and they consider everyone from San Antonio an infection risk.

You’ve heard enough stories to know what that means. There won’t be a warm welcome when you reach the next QZ. So you ditch the convoy and head north.

You bounce around for years, sometimes with others, a lot of time solo. Doing what you have to. It’s not a life, just survival.

By the time you reach the wilds of Wyoming, you’ve had enough. You break off from the group you’re traveling with. You leave them this time, just decide to walk into the forest and let the earth swallow you up. You’re exhausted, sick of hanging on by a thread. Too much of a coward to kill yourself, you wander around waiting for the cold or your hunger or a bear to do it for you.

They find you. Some scouts that look mean and tough take pity on you and offer you a place with them in a commune where things are half normal.

It’s the first time being alone has worked to your advantage.

Jackson is a strange place. It has walls like the QZ but it’s quaint. There’s laughter and evergreen wreaths, happy children that build snowmen in the center of town. Some of these kids have no idea how fucked up the world has become. All they know is this charming little haven.

You spend the first few days in the infirmary, getting patched up, regaining your strength. You feel like an animal compared to the people in your new community. It’s hard to accept that they’re willing to help you, no strings attached.

Eventually you’re well enough to have your own place. They set you up with a little apartment over one of the stores in town. You’re invited to take your meals in the dining hall.

It takes you back to those first days at your new middle school after you came to Austin. Unfortunately, this time Sarah’s not there to offer you a seat at her lunch table.

You keep to yourself, overwhelmed by all of the strange new faces. Head down, you eat your breakfast. It’s the best food you’ve had in years. As your belly fills, you start to relax and try to get used to the idea of this being home.

Then you hear a familiar voice say your name. You wonder if you’re hallucinating when you see him standing in front of you.

He’s gained a few decades but he looks good. His hair is nearly shoulder length and there’s a mustache on his upper lip but that’s him alright.

“Uncle Tommy?” you manage.

“That really you?” he asks.

Tommy puts a gentle hand on your shoulder. His smile wrinkles the corners of his eyes. You nod and you’re smiling too.

You expect to be upset. Tommy was there when you were abandoned after all. But you’re flooded with relief and a small flame of hope.

“Shit. What’re the chances?” he asks, studying your face. “C’mere.”

He pulls you through the lines of tables. Your head spins with questions. How did he end up in Wyoming of all places? How long has he been here? Did you actually die out there only to be sent to this strange afterlife?

“You remember this old son of a bitch?” Tommy asks with a chuckle when he stops at the table in a far corner.

And suddenly you’re face to face with Mr. Miller.

He’s old. Grey hairs run through his stubble and curl from his temple. There are deep lines in his face. He’s still good looking despite how weathered his features have become, still broad, still with that wonderful silhouette.

It’s funny. In your mind’s eye, you’ve never imagined Joel aging. He stayed the same while you grew up.

He looks at you for a long moment and then his thick bottom lip falls agape. His eyes glitter and his dimple appears as he recognizes the woman that you’ve become.

“Kiddo,” he whispers as he stands up.

He pulls you into a hug and his wide palm smooths down your back. He still smells just how you remember and without warning you’re sobbing into the front of his flannel.

You spent hours upon hours imagining what you might say if you ever saw him again. Sometimes it was a speech biting with venom, others a confession, a question. Now, though, your mind is blank, overwhelmed that fate has brought you back together. A testament to your survival.

“It’s alright, babygirl. You’re okay,” he says into your hair. Words you needed to hear all those years ago.

You stay like this for a long time, surrounded by him. He holds you the way you wished he had as you cried into his pillow in that empty house. Eventually you pull yourself together with a shaking breath.

“Where’s Sarah?” you ask, casting your eyes around the crowd in the mess hall.

There’s a girl sitting beside Joel, her curly hair pulled back into a ponytail, watching this scene unfold. Everyone else is polite enough to pretend you’re not bawling in the middle of lunch. Can’t be the first time it’s happened.

At your question, Tommy goes stone faced. The muscle in Joel’s jaw ticks.

You shake your head in disbelief. “Infected?” you squeak out.

“It wasn’t like that,” Joel chokes.

“She didn’t make it through that first night,” Tommy says.

It’s a punch in the gut, the air’s knocked out of your chest all over again. While it had crushed you to be abandoned, part of you understood. Joel had to choose and he picked his daughter. Even if he’d been in love with you the way you used to dream about, he always would have chosen Sarah. You couldn’t hold that against him, no matter how much it hurt. There just wasn’t anyone in the world that would have saved you.

But knowing that he failed her, that he failed you both, makes you sick. All those years of bitterness come flooding back to you and your tears turn hot and furious.

“You let her die?” you demand. “You told her to leave me behind and you didn’t even save her?” You push Joel, your hands against the wet spots you left on his shirt. It’s ineffectual. He barely moves against your pathetic shove but his face crumples. You know he hates himself as much as you do in that moment but that’s not enough. You hit him as hard as you can and he does nothing to defend himself.

“Hey, hey,” Tommy says, trying a hand on your shoulder.

“You should’ve saved her,” you bark.

Heads have turned now as Tommy holds you back.

“I hoped you were dead every day since you left me,” you say.

You can see on his face that Joel’s definitely wished the same thing.

You go on berating him, your tears mixing with spit as you snarl and shout, until Tommy’s able to wrestle you out of the dining hall.

The summer comes. After a long, cold winter, everyone in Jackson welcomes the change of seasons with open arms. Everyone but Joel.

Ellie was a salve for the deep wounds on his heart. They’ll never fully heal but at least they stopped overwhelming him for some time. Since your dramatic reunion, though, those scars have been torn open once more. Especially today.

It’s warm and there’s barely a cloud in the sky. The July weather is mild compared to summers in Texas. Fresh air blows in through the open windows of the house, beckoning Joel outside but he has no desire to be in the sunshine.

“You okay?” Ellie asks.

She’s just come down the stairs. It’s early and Joel’s already at the kitchen table. Didn’t sleep much.

He and Ellie have been together long enough that she understands the wordless shifts in his moods. They’ve gotten worse since you arrived in Jackson. He does his work and patrols, sometimes he nurses a whiskey alone at the bar. The rest of the time he keeps to himself. He’s sliding back towards the man she met back in Boston. Joel’s rebuilt the walls that surrounded him, brick by brick since that afternoon in the dining hall.

“I was going to meet Dina at the mess. Want to come? Or I could stick around?” she offers.

It’s going to be one of those dark days, the kind that makes him question why he’s been hanging on for so long, and Ellie knows it. She’s giving him a lifeline, offering to be with him so he doesn’t have to ask. He should accept it, but he doesn’t want to waste his energy putting on a brave face for her when he feels so broken.

“That’s alright, Ellie. Go on,” he says.

She doesn’t push him. She never does. She just gives a sympathetic smile before she slips out.

Once seems gone, his heart begins to ache.

Sometime later, there’s a knock at the door. The last person he expects to see on the porch is you. You look a little nervous, like if he’d taken longer to come to the door you might’ve bolted.

He hasn’t spoken to you since that day that you came back into his life but the words you said play relentlessly on loop in his mind. He should have made amends by now. You were his daughter’s best friend and of all the places at the end of the world, you’ve ended up in the same town. He passes by the old pharmacy you live above just about every day, thinks about seeing if you’re in so you can have a conversation. He even knows what he’d say, but he can’t work up the courage. There aren’t any words that can make right what he did to you.

The guilt metastasized deep in his gut. His failure compounded.

So he doesn’t blame you for keeping your distance, avoiding him when your paths cross. He lets you be angry with him, as he deserves.

“Want some company?” you ask.

He recognizes the look on your face and it dawns on him that he might not be the only person struggling today. He steps aside to let you in.

Joel sets a cup of tea down in front of you. It’s not the real thing. Dried herbs from the garden Maria keeps. You’ve taken a seat across from him at the table, glancing around the kitchen so you don’t have to look at him.

“Surprised you remember,” he says.

“My best friend’s birthday?”

He shrugs as he pulls up a chair across from you. “Was a long time ago.”

“I think you underestimate the power of female friendships.”

You wear a soft smile that makes Joel’s heart ache a little harder. He takes a good look at you, seeing you up close for the first time. There are hints of the girl he knew back in Austin but she’s buried under years of hard living.

You’re the same age Sarah would have been today. The same age he was when he lost everything.

You sigh and scratch awkwardly at your neck.

“Listen, I’m sorry about…all that shit I said. It’s…” you trail off and he’s sure you’re still mad at him, deep down.

“I reckon I’m the one that owes an apology. I shouldn’t’ve left you back there. Sarah begged me not to,” he admits. “I was trying to keep her safe. But I fucked that up, too.”

“That’s not true. I was just angry,” you tell him.

“I was always so pissed at your parents for not caring enough about you. Turns out I was just as bad,” he says.

He hadn’t given any thought to the choice he made all those years ago. His priority was his family and he had no room for the rest of humanity. Joel didn’t realize until he saw your face again just how selfish that had made him. The past months he’s been haunted by the thought of it, a young thing all alone in the chaos. If Sarah’s watching over him, which sometimes he hopes she is, she’d be ashamed.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think since I got here and…I don’t blame you. I’m not your kid. It just—“ You laugh without humor. “God, it’s so stupid but I had a huge crush on you.”

Joel’s eyebrows shoot up. You fiddle with the chipped handle on your mug.

“I know. I was just a kid but I was head over heels for you,” you say.

Joel can feel himself blushing. It’s a sweet thought. He’s honored in a strange way. He remembers the gravity of Sarah’s crushes– Leonardo DiCaprio, Usher, some guy with a lip ring from one of those punk bands she listened to.

“So when you left me…I was a little heart broken.”

“Shit,” Joel says.

“I didn’t say that to make you feel bad. I just wanted you to know why I was so hurt,” you tell him, leaning forward in your seat. “You didn’t know any of that. And it’s not fair to hang that over your head. It wasn’t your job to rescue me.”

“Course it was,” Joel responds. “You were just a kid. I let you down.”

You look at him gratefully and a tear slips down your cheek. It takes a minute for you to fully take that in and it seems like something you’ve needed to hear.

“Joel. I forgive you,” you tell him.

A thick knot forms in his throat.

There’s a litany of names in his mind, so many people he’s failed. Henry and Sam. Tess. Sarah. He’s never expected to be absolved of any of his sins, he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. But those three words make him feel lighter, like he can stop beating himself up. At least for a moment.

He tucks his chin into his chest trying to keep his own tears from spilling over. Your hand slips over his, a gentle, reassuring touch.

The two of you stay like that for a little while, crying together, then becoming reacquainted. You talk for a long time. There’s a lot of catching up to do but the conversation keeps coming back to Sarah. It’s a gift to share memories of her, to hear stories that he’s never heard. You knew Sarah better than anyone in the world— her favorite store in the mall, what she wanted for her birthday. Her hopes, her dreams, her fears. No fourteen year old goes to her daddy with her problems. You were there for her, though. Right up until the end.

“I, um, you should have this,” you say. “Well, it’s yours.”

You and Joel have migrated to the couch in the living room as the afternoon has crept on. You reach into your back pocket, a little reluctant, and pull something out.

It’s a photograph, dog eared and creased from years of being carried with you. Joel recognizes the picture— you and him and Sarah, all three of you donning life jackets, smiling as you float on a calm river. He and Tommy took Sarah kayaking and she asked if you could tag along. It was a wonderful day. Blue, cloudless sky.

The last time he saw the photo it was hanging under a magnet on the refrigerator in the kitchen.

“How’d…”

“I stayed in your house for a while. After. Just kind of hoping you might come back. I took that when I left. And I ate all your food,” you say with a little chuckle. You wipe some snot from your nose. “I guess…well, you probably don’t have a lot of pictures of her.”

You’re right. There was an outdated school photograph in his wallet when they left that night and it had been too painful to look at for years. It still stings a little but it feels easier to share with someone, someone that knew her so well.

“You sure?” he asks.

You nod. “I know where to find it.”

He props the picture up on the coffee table so you can both look at it and meditate on that day when everything felt so perfect.

“Remember we made you play “Crazy in Love” on on repeat the whole way there?” you ask.

“I still get that goddamn song stuck in my head,” he complains.

You laugh and rest your head on his shoulder. The familiar gesture cracks something open inside of him. He’s taken back to his favorite nights when he’d watch a movie with Sarah and she’d cuddle against him. Somehow the memory doesn’t hurt as much as he anticipates.

You sit like that, looking at the picture, both quiet, your smiles fading as you remember what’s happened since.

“Sometimes I think I see her,” he chokes.

He’s never told anyone that. But it seems like you might understand, He trusts you won’t meet his admission with a pitying smile.

“How’s she look?” you ask.

He can’t help but chuckle. He nods.

You don’t say anything, you just burrow your head a little deeper into him. Joel puts a gentle kiss in your hair.

You’re a fixture in the Miller house once again, part of the family. You babysit for Maria and tell her embarrassing stories about Tommy. You and Ellie tease Joel relentlessly. You sit with him in the evenings, sometimes singing along when he pulls out his guitar, other nights neither of you speak at all.

Slowly, you find yourself falling in love with him all over again. It’s not the same infatuation you harbored when you were young. You’re both different people. And you hardly knew him back then. Not really. What did a fourteen year old know about grown men?

The two of you fall into an easy rhythm. After being alone for such a long time, it’s magical to have a companion. Joel seems grateful for the company, too. He’s there whenever you turn around, like a promise. He’s not leaving you behind even if you’re just going from the stables to the library.

Neither of you acknowledge it, this easy rapport. A light squeeze on your shoulder, holding your hand when you get misty eyed. He probably doesn’t mean anything by it but you’re pretty sure you can’t live without it. You bask in the sweetness of these exchanges, trying not to think too hard about the fact that you used to spend Saturday nights giggling on his daughter’s bedroom floor.

He’s still Mr. Miller, after all.

Autumn comes and you’re inseparable. You realize just how much when you convince him to attend the children’s choir performance in town. You expect him to demure. Watching kids being kids must be painful. But he’s by your side in the dining hall as the little ones sing “Clementine” and “Oh Susanna”.

He puts his arm around your shoulder so you can lean into him. It might just be a paternal gesture, maybe you’re still a little girl in his eyes. That’s ok with you if he keeps absentmindedly massaging your upper arm. You can’t remember the last time you felt so safe, so loved.

Afterwards, he walks you home and you’re in such a good mood, you start singing to yourself.

“Johnny Cash,” he says approvingly.

You laugh to yourself. “You know, I started listening to him ‘cause of you. You had his CD in your truck,” you admit.

You wanted to like all of the things Joel liked. He would think you were so interesting and grown up because you knew all the words to “Riders in the Sky.”

“Least I was a good influence,” Joel says, shaking his head, his cheeks turning pink.

He’s so handsome when he blushes, you feel a little giddy when you come to stop in front of the old pharmacy.

“G’night, darlin’,” he says, giving your hand one last squeeze.

He waits. He’ll stand here and watch you get inside like he always does. He doesn’t need to— it’s not like people even lock their doors in Jackson— but he’s insisted on it so fervently that you stopped arguing.

You shouldn’t do it. It’s so silly. But there’s a softness in his eyes and his gentle touch still tingles on your arm. His salt and pepper hair is caught in the string lights that line the empty street. You can’t help yourself.

You kiss him, smoothing your palms up the front of his flannel until you sink your fingers into the curls at the base of his neck. The tip of his nose is cold from the chill in the evening air but his lips are warm and sweet.

You haven’t had a whole lot of experience kissing. You’d just started doing it when the outbreak happened and things haven’t been very romantic since. This is one of the better ones. Relatively chaste but unbearably tender. Certainly better than you could have imagined all those years ago.

It lasts longer than you expect. Joel kisses you back. He rests his hand on your waist and the way it covers so much of your back makes you swoon. Soon, though, he’s pulling away, cradling your cheek.

“We shouldn’t do that,” he says.

“I know,” you sigh. You’re reluctant to break away, savoring the brush of his nose against yours.

It’s all wrong but you’re not ashamed for trying it.

“Just once. I’ve always wanted to,” you say.

He presses his lips into your forehead. It feels bittersweet. A kiss you longed for for twenty years came and went.

You wave to him from the door before you go in for the night.

That kiss confirms Joel’s fears.

He’s spent months convincing himself that this is completely platonic. He would never have feelings for his daughter’s best friend. Even if he always wants to be around you.

He’s looking after you, comforting you, protecting you. He’s making up for those years that he made you suffer through. You forgave him but he’ll never stop atoning.

And then you kissed him.

Suddenly, he’s buried in an avalanche of thoughts he’s been disavowing.

You’re pretty and soft. You're strong and you ease the pain of his memories. You make him feel a little less alone.

The warmth of your lips, your body pressed to his. He was ready to lose himself in you.

That’s when he heard it.

It was Sarah’s voice chiding him with all the reasons why this is wrong.

She’s been in his head, his inner critic since the day she died, pointing out every failure and weakness in him. He could picture her looking down on him with disgust. She’s the same age as your daughter. She was just a kid when you met her. She deserves better than you.

He’s making the same mistake as before, letting his instinct get the better of him. The responsible part of him takes control. He can’t give you any more reasons to try and kiss him again.

If Joel is good at one thing it’s denying himself.

He backs off and you can sense it, he knows you do. Sometimes he catches you looking at him and there’s a longing in your eye. It fucking kills him but it’s just another reason why he’s no good for you.

Despite whatever it does to you, you haven’t got anybody else in Jackson so you stick around. He can only imagine how much it hurts you.

“Why did I go north?” you complain when Joel opens the front door. You’re holding a scarf tight around your neck, shivering against the cold. The sky is a dismal shade of gray, snowfall on the horizon.

Joel gets you in the house with a chuckle. He starts a fire, a luxury you little apartment doesn’t afford. You shiver in front of the hearth.

“Traded for this,” you say, pulling a thick book out of your coat and tossing it onto the coffee table.

“Oh good. I was looking for some light reading material,” Ellie quips from her spot on the couch.

“It’s a dictionary,” you explain, “so you’ll quit cheating at Boggle.”

“You're in trouble now,” Joel laughs.

“I don’t cheat. I just know more words than you guys,” she says.

“Dentment is not a word,” you reply.

“Neither is thoard,” Joel says.

“Sure it is. I’m about to thoard the two of you in this game,” she says.

This should be enough. A winter day by the fire. The simple joy of a board game. Laughter. This is practically a normal life.

But each time Joel’s eyes fall on you, there’s a pang in his chest. You’re just close enough that he could reach out and touch you but he won’t. He can’t.

When the sun sets, Ellie retreats to her room. Eventually, you fall asleep on the couch, wrapped up in a quilt as the fire dies down. You look even younger, curled up serenely. There’s no worry on your brow. Usually your face is in a perpetual frown even when you’re not in a mood.

The snow is already knee deep with no signs of slowing. There’s no sense in sending you back out there.

Joel scoops you up as gently as he can. He feels his age, back straining, but he doesn’t mind. He enjoys how you nestle your face into his chest as he mounts the stairs, warm and snug in his arms. A smile pulls at his lips.

He sets you down carefully on his bed and you whimper groggily at the loss of his touch. Your eyes crack open.

“Snowing pretty bad. Sleep here. I’ll be on the couch,” he whispers.

“Stay,” you murmur.

He hesitates. Carrying you to bed was already crossing a line. He’s not worried about keeping his hands to himself. He’s been able to control himself for this long. If he lays down next to you, feeling you warming his sheets, smelling the peppermint soap on your skin, he’ll be so far gone for you, there’ll be no coming back.

But denying you this simple request feels cruel. He imagines you waking up here all alone. You’re half asleep but what if you remember asking him to remain only to be abandoned again?

He gets into bed, still fully clothed and careful to stay on his side. His jaw is clenched so tightly his teeth hurt. You give a satisfied hum and sink back into sleep, your body melting into the mattress.

Joel watches you for a moment, fights the urge to put a kiss on your forehead. He crosses his arms and stares at the ceiling, beginning to tangle with the web of emotions that accompany you. Once it gets too confusing, he drifts off as well.

When you reach out for him in your sleep, he can’t deny you. Joel tries his hardest to pretend it doesn’t feel good, that this isn’t something he’s wanted to do. So he imagines the nightmares that come to you. Reminds himself that you wouldn’t have seen any of that shit if he hadn’t left you for dead. Now that you're in his arms, he’ll make sure nothing touches you ever again. The least he can do is hold you and make sure it goes no further.

You both find reasons that you should stay the night. Neither of you acknowledge it. Joel just hands you one of his t-shirts and busies himself as you slip out of your clothes and get under the covers. It’s all rather innocent, Joel does more than rub your back even though you sometimes feel his morning wood through his sweatpants. If he wants you, he doesn’t let himself have you. And he could.

It’s fine with you if cuddling is all this is. You don’t try to do anything more than that, unwilling to upset the unspoken agreement between you. You can be satisfied with a broad, firm chest to rest your back against. Sleep is better beside him, his heart beats guiding your own. The weight of his arm draped across you makes your body feel deliciously heavy.

After a while, though, it happens.

Joel’s having a nightmare. His murmurs and restless movements wake you. His mouth twitches and his brow is creased. You smooth circles into his shoulder until his eyes open. Even in the darkness you can see the despair in them.

He blinks, coming back to reality, remembering he’s not wherever his dreams took him. You brush your fingers through his hair, gazing at one another as his breaths even out. Normally, his age is obvious– the lines in his forehead, the sun spots on his cheek– yet right now he looks young. Like a boy that needs to sleep with a night light.

You’re not sure who initiates but you find each other in the dark. At first he’s not kissing you at all, his lips are just brushing your cheek or your nose. It’s sweet and gentle. You try to hold in a moan, worried that any noise might shatter this moment.

The kisses are timid as if you’re both waiting for someone to stop this. Joel lets out a shuddering breath against you. This is a bad idea, you’re both thinking it. After you kissed him the last time, he held you at arms length. When this blows up, you’ll lose him entirely. But you need to be closer to him.

You open your mouth to him, tangle your legs between his. His hand slides under your shirt, roaming your bare skin. You thought that snuggling under the blanket was enough but now you realize just how hungry you’ve been to be touched. Really touched. He needs it too. Joel leans into your hand on his jaw with a whimper.

You don’t open your eyes. You might be the one dreaming and you don’t want to wake up.

It’s quiet, just the sound of hot breaths and desperate kisses, the swish of the sheets as you shift your hips to meet his. You keep yourself from rocking against him, try to enjoy the feeling of him without crossing yet another line, but you’re aching. His shirt has ridden up so you feel the softness of his middle, the light hairs on his chest. Your fingers intertwine with his as his mouth trails down the column of your neck and. Joel buries his face there.

“I’m sorry,” he breathes.

You’re not sure what he’s apologizing for. This? Then? The years in between? None of it matters because you want to live in this moment forever.

You shush him, pull him back to your mouth. You’re ready to lose yourself, to forget, to ignore the storm of thoughts constantly plaguing your mind. This is all you want.

You peel off your clothing, helping him slide out of his sweatpants until there’s nothing between you. Joel’s skin is warm and soft against you and you realize you’ve never been this close to another soul.

When Joel settles over you and you feel him throbbing between his legs, you shiver with nervous anticipation. You expect him to say something, to warn you that this is a bad idea, to promise this won’t change anything. But his brown eyes look as confused with need as you feel. There’s no room for thinking or it will crush this fragile moment like glass.

You tilt your hips to allow him in, already slick from being so close to him.

Slowly, he enters you, kissing you all the while. He makes a choked sound, wincing as his body stills. The noise makes you clench around him.

Together you take a moment to get your bearings and you adjust to the fullness of him. Joel’s eyes are pressed shut, his teeth digging into his bottom lip.

Before he begins to move, his thumb finds your clit, grazing it lightly. After years of solitude and now months being just out of reach of him, the sensation makes you gasp sharply.

You’ve had sex a handful of times. They had been more about fulfilling a self destructive urge than a desire for pleasure. It’s never been like this.

You start to lose sense of everything but the feelings of your body. Your core tenses and your breaths go short and you start to forget that it’s Joel whose hips are stuttering into you. It’s as if this euphoria can erase some of those awful memories.

Soon you’re shattering beneath him, a crescendo that has you tugging on his hair and gasping for air. Joel grunts into your ear. He follows after you, hissing as he pulls out of you. He pulses into his hand, his release dripping from his fist onto your sweat damp skin. Then he collapses onto you. You run your fingers through his long curls and he kisses your forehead. There might be tears in your eyes– maybe his too. It’s too dark to be sure– but when his breath evens out, it still sounds ragged against you.

Eventually he gets out of bed and leaves the room and, in that moment, you can feel everything hanging over your head again– what you’ve just done, the horrors of the world. Perhaps even more intense than before.

But Joel returns quickly. He flicks on the light on his bed side table and cleans you with a damp rag. His touch is gentle, reverent, and his dark eyes travel over your naked skin to yours. There’s a question in them, guilt, but you have no regrets. You smooth your hand out on the sheets beside you and he lays back on his pillow. He surrounds you with his massive arms and you fall asleep grateful that you don’t feel abandoned anymore.

You worry that it was just a one time thing, try to accept that it might never happen again. But the next time you share Joel’s bed, he’s pulling you into him, pressing kisses into your shoulder, nuzzling at the spot behind your ear. His hard length prods at the small of your back.

It starts like that every time. Intimate, sensual, quiet. It’s never tearing his clothes off or pushing you up against a wall. You just stay close, breath each other in, trail fingertips across skin. Neither of you ever speak above a whisper.

Joel barely talks at all except to ask, “That too much?” and “Feel good?”

You live for the moments when his hand skates over your hip, his dark eyes soft.

“Pretty,” he says almost to himself.

He’s such a beautiful man. Your fingers trace the smooth plane of his chest, dusted lightly with hair and a few stray freckles. Age has only improved him. The greys in his stubble catch the glow from the lamp on the nightstand. You study him with the same attention to detail you used in your youth. The cleft in his bottom lip, the dimples on his lower back, the scar on his temple. You’ve memorized it all.

Joel breaks open for you. He lets you see him vulnerable. He’ll fuck you with thrusts that shake loose deep emotions. Just as quickly, he’ll hold you together when it feels like you’re falling apart.

You lay with him after, sticky with the shared heat of your bodies but reluctant to roll away and break the connection.

Whatever this is, you don’t speak its name. There are too many questions and conflicts that it might not withstand. It exists only for you and him. A safe haven in the chaos, a bit of respite at the end of long years.

In his arms, you’re not his dead daughter’s best friend. He’s not the man that left you when you needed him most. You’re just two people that need to not be alone. Each time, it’s the same. The overwhelming bliss of Joel making love to you is second only to the understanding that he’s finally come back for you.

Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear from you. Comments and reblogs always appreciated.

#joel miller #tlou #joel miller fic #bfd!joel miller #jackson!joel miller #pedro pascal #pedro pascal character fic

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absolutebl · 7 days

Text

This Week in BL - We Are Surprised

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

May 2024 Wk 2

Ongoing Series - Thai

Wandee Godday (Sat YT) ep 2 of 12 - Oh it’s fucking great. It could all go horribly south, of course. But it’s awesome at the moment. Messy gay and one of them is already pining? Got to love it. Including the negotiation.

I’d love a good sex negotiation, it’s almost as good as linguistic negotiation. This show makes me happy. All that said, it’s moving awfully quickly for a 12 episode run. Not sure what’s gonna happen on the backend.

My Stand-In (Thai Fri iQIYI) ep 3 of 12 eps - I’m still enjoying it but I’m ready for him to die again now.

We Are (Weds iQIYI) ep 5-6 of 16 - Toey is going after the Namgoong Award for Best Wingman this year, I see. And in exchange, literally all the rest of the friends are going to be his wingmen. It’s adorable. I also like that Phuwin got to be the aggressor for the first kiss. I like that this is mostly just boys flirting, and not really any prescribed seme/uke stuff. In general, I think these last two episodes I improved the show in my regard a lot. But then middles are always GMMTV's strong point, it’s whether they can stick the landing that’s an issue.

Two Worlds (Thurs iQIYI) ep 9 of 10 - Apparently we have the Frodo walking into Mordor episode. Also the sides were cute. In Thailand (like Taiwan) all gangsters are gay, apparently.

Only Boo! (Sun YouTube) ep 5 of 12 - It’s cute but very cringe and dorky. Silly singing. Terrible pickup lines. Still, that was a ridiculously charming confession.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Unknown (Taiwan Tues YouTube & Viki) ep 12fin - Oh so good. Very few shows that feature one-sided long-term pining of this kind can resolve the unevenness of that power dynamic into a more stable and equal footing with such class. We really got to see the object of the desire turn completely around and become equally besotted. An age gap, stepbrothers trope like this one is hard enough but at this length? Very well acted boys! Unknown managed to show the older brother softening in a believable way that’s pretty unusual in narratives of this type.

All in all?

Unknown is a wonderful BL with a pitch perfect portrayal of long term pining, age gap, and the stepbrothers trope. The acting and chemistry are ON POINT (especially from the leads) which made the resulting characters very believable. When it dwells in intimate family drama, it's stunning. It's slightly less successful when it leaves the home and goes gritty. It's few flaws are the result of curtailed length. It could have used more breathing room to deal with side plots, characters, and companion character development. The editing was occasionally choppy and packed with flashbacks that broke the emotional tension. Still, those are mere quibbles. This is an excellent show that I know I'm going to be recommending a lot. 9/10

Finally Taiwan hits another one out of the park.

About.

Damn.

Time.

Blue Boys (Korea Sat YouTube) 4 of ? - Oh it’s so good, and they are so tortured and it’s just charming and I can’t EVEN. I just love it. I love that Korea is giving us this right now. You’re an idiot if you’re not watching this show, it’s truly spectacular.

At 25:00 in Akasaka AKA 25 Ji Akasaka de (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 4 of 10 - Well well well Japan. I see how you kneed. I enjoyed this episode better than the first two, and I am way into our Bad Boy second lead. I can already feel myself succumbing to the syndrome. Next week = the obligatory onsen ep!

Living With Him AKA Kare no Iru Seikatsu (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 5 of 10 - Omg most adorbs failed linguistic negotiation.

Boys Be Brave AKA Roommates (Korea Thurs Viki) ep 5-6 of 8 - I love the side couple. It’s a shame we’re finally getting some truly great class conflict and it’s relegated to crumbs.

Love is like a Cat (Korea Mon Viki) eps 11-12fin - Well that was a waste of time. There was no connection (of any kind) between the leads. The language thing was hella weird and likely added to that. The past history of the Korean character was necessary to know from the start, its lack throughout, meant there was no depth to his character. They tried to tackle all the interesting stuff in the final 2 eps. AND they even killed the dog. I never thought I'd type this sentance, but Peach of Time is better.

I don’t know. 5/10 I guess

All in all:

A disappointing lackluster and barely cohesive BL about a jerk Thai actor (speaking Thai) who has to work for a Korean animal rescue cafe as a publicity stunt. It's difficult to believe the leads like each other, let alone fall in love. The acting is stiff, the characters lack motivation and cohesion, and there's not much to recommend this show beyond some pretty visuals. Also, they kill the dog. All in all, a disappointing and unsuccessful joint venture that mostly highlighted that between Thailand and Korea the style of BL, narrative approach, language cadence, and acting techniques all clash.

It's airing but...

Lady Boy Friends (Thai WeTV grey) 16 eps - reminds me a bit too much of Diary of Tootsies only high school. Not my thing. DNF unless it turns a corner and is truly amazing.

You Made My Day (Thai YT) ep 1 of 5 - mini series staring the I Will Knock You couple Tar & Bom, started but I couldn't find it. I also didn't try very hard.

A Balloon's Landing (Taiwan movie) trailer - A frustrated Hong Kong writer, Tian Yu, meets a Taipei street gangster, Xiang (Fandy Fan from HIStory2: Crossing the Line), and the two of them embark on a journey to find the Bay of Vanishing Whales. Along the way, they discover unexpected twists and turns and close bonds, which brings out the message that "there is always someone like you in this world who is waiting for you. This released to cinemas in Taiwan, no word on international release.

Memory in the Letter (Thai WeTV) - it's done, tell me if I should bother?

Fan's Only Corner

Someone asked in a comment (which tumblr promptly ate) about group sleepovers in BLs. It's happened a few times but the only one I can recall being noted and particularly lovely (and VERY college) was in Nitiman. There's also one in Lovesick.

Next Week Looks Like This:

5/16 Blossom Campus (Korea Thurs Gaga & iQIYI) ep 1 of 6 - Strongberry doing classic uni BL! Weeee!

5/19 OMG Vampire (Thai Sun ????) ep 1 of 10 - LeeFrank are back - not unlike the undead (as it were). But how do we feel about it? Unsure given their track record.

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

May Releases

VBL (Taiwan) is releasing 4 'Special Episode' epilogues to their 4 2023 shows every Friday this month on Gagaoolala, Viki & Viu. Not sure on search terms or how to find these. (Or, frankly, if we need them.)

5/10 – You Are Mine

5/17 – VIP Only

5/24 – Stay By My Side

5/31 – Anti Reset

5/25 The Time of Fever AKA Unintentional Love Story 2 (Korea movie) trailer - HoTae & DongHee are back but unfortunately not in a cinema near me. Side couple from Unintentional Love Story, same actors, same character names. I love them. I NEED TO SEE THIS.

5/28 My Biker 2 (Thai movie YT?) - trailer

5/31 The Time of Huannan (Taiwan movie) - May not be BL

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

LOVE a smile kiss. Love it. Two killer kisses from PondPhuwin. Elegantly done, boys. Thank you very much.

I love them a lot all of a sudden. (All We Are)

It's hard to give MaxTul a run on their crown as best bodies in BL, but boy these two are giving it their, erm, best. (Wandee Goodday)

(Last week)

Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are a pain.

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire

If ya wanna be tagged each week leave a comment and I will add you to the template. Easy peesy.

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12-seconds-to-live · 10 months

Text

Laniel.jpg and Charlotte

Pairing: DR3 x LN4 x F1 female driver

Warnings: none, just my happiness with Daniel and Lando

NICE AIRPORT - TERMINAL 1 @15:20

"You look cute today" I stop looking to my phone to look at Lando. Well, that's new

"You say it like it's weird of me using a dress"

"It is" He smiled

"I'm gonna ignore you from now on"

"It's not common, even when we go to parties you use jeans, so, I have a point"

"The real point here is that we are in the middle of the summer and if I put a raw egg on the floor it will cook"

"But what about the jet? It's going to be cold in there"

"I have my enchanté sweater" Lando made a loud gasp "It has cute peaches and it's purple"

"I sent you a full box of my merch last month, mean"

"Cry about it, Daniel thinks that I have a pretty face so everybody is going to see me in the new enchanté collection"

"Really?"

"Yeah, I asked him months ago, even I helped with the design of one of the pieces"

"Well, congratulations. You should look who's coming" I turn my head and a very smiley Daniel Ricciardo was walking to our direction

"You knew?"

"I invited him to flight with us, I know how important you were for him these moths away from racing so I..." I interrupted him with a hug and a kiss in the cheek

"You're the best, Norris" Lando didn't expect that reaction, now he can feel his cheeks burning

I got up and run to Daniel. After Silverstone, I decided to wait for Danny's test with Pirelli. After he finished a call from Helmut Marko was all we need to know that he got the seat for the rest of the season. Even if I have a good relationship with the australian, I organized a few days off with Lando, Max, Nyck, some frineds and myself to let Nyck know that we're his friends and friends support each other.

"It's been only a week, you know?" He said laughing

"I don't care, I'm happy. These past 7 months had been like going on a rollercoaster over and over again so, you know. Even if it's AlphaTauri, you have your way back home, you never left, you just have to travel the world over in search of what you need and then return to find it"

"I know Char and thank you for everything" His eyes got glossy so I hug him "Do you like my design?" He said ponting to his sweater

"No, it is..." I gasp

"Yes, kiddo. Tommorrow a million boys are going to see you wearing the new collection"

"Ha ha, funny, you know that I have my eyes on someone"

"Someone a bit brainless. Hey Lando, I guess you were waiting for me"

"Yeah, let's go"

Once in the airplane

"I have to say that this is a very important moment and pretty faces like yours should be able to broke the internet" I said taking Lando's camera and pinting to them "New wallpapers for your fans"

They looked at each other and start with their goofiness and well... I guess they really missed each other. Maybe Carlos and I have competition.

"We are pretty good looking guys, you know?" Daniel said with a smile on his face

"Even you could use us as your wallpaper" said Lando

"Good offer but nothing can beat my photo with Tom Holland" I said with a side smile and ready to take a nap before we arrive in Budapest

"When are you gonna tell her how you feel?" asked Daniel looking at Lando

"I don't know what are you talking about" he answer looking at the mirror

"Kids, always scared of love"

DRIVE TO SURVIVE EP.4 S.6 NICE GUYS ALWAYS COME BACK

"Hello Charlotte"

"Hi Netflix, can I have some tea? I been walking around doing interviews and stuff and I couldn't finish my lunch"

"Sure, mint?"

"Yes, please" I smile to the interviewer "We can't start, I'll wait for the tea"

"Ok, what were you doing when the news drop?"

"Oh, ha ha, I was with the main character. I can do anything, even work as emotional supporter, PR, car mechanic, you know" one member of the staff approached me with the cup of tea "Thank you"

"How do you feel about this?"

I made a pause thinking and trying not to burn my lips "I think that this a great moment to tell you what happen after Abu Dabi. Well, I sign my contract with McLaren, I was feeling bad about the decision, just for Danny and I spent the night with him and his girlfriend just talking and at some point we got more serious and I just told him and without knowing about Red Bull: What is a home if not the first place you learn yo run from?"

I smiled to the camera "Then he told me about the third driver offer and I felt different, by the time he leave in 2018 I guess that he felt that he was destroying everything and he just needed to slip quietly to the back door without causing to much noise and then not stop running. And maybe that was he needed more than what he really wanted, let go the feeling of wanted to go back and remember what you once had and what you once where "

"But then I told him that it's funny that the feeling of leave home and being far away make us wander our choices but for Danny is something else. He's back home and ready to no longer remember which tale of his past is true and which is an invention. Outside he's the same on the inside he's the same kid that leave Australia looking for a dream"

"I guess he's your favourite person between the drivers" asked the producer

"No, Daniel is my brother and I know he feels the same about me"

📍Budapest

Liked by charlotterjones, daniel3.jpg and 943.501 others

landonorris We’re photographers. We’re back.

📸: @charlotterjones

user1 ARE YOU KIDDING ME. STOP THIS CUTENESS

f1mia need a landan.jpg account plz

charlotterjones This is a piece of art ❤️

landonorris including the photographer danielricciardo our favourite girl

user2 "dude we’re getting the band back together״

user3 we missed daniel button --->

I got inspired! This little story is linked with my current story called (Un)Lost

Hope you like it!

Taglist: @evans-dejong @omgsuperstarg @bibissparkles @hoely-maria @mochimommy2002 @noope306 @eugene-emt-roe @80sloverry @rens-daylight @summerslike11 @matildrry

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bengiyo · 7 months

Text

My Personal Weatherman Ep 8 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

Last week, we got to see Segasaki's perspective on Yoh from college. We learned that Segasaki never felt comfortable around his friends and always masked. He reacted to Yoh seeing past his mask and drawing him. We also learned that Segasaki feels like he can breathe easier around Yoh, to the point that he believes he can't breathe without him. He thought Yoh had left because he doesn't know that Yoh is hiding the manga from him, and found Yoh trying to bring the laundry in during a storm. They kissed on the roof before coming back down. Segasaki apologized, which Yoh misunderstood, before he tied Yoh's hands and then threw him on the bed.

I like that Segasaki's aura broke under the weight of his insecurity here. Yoh wasn't ready for this at all.

"Have you ever considered my feelings?" is such a valid question.

Yoh really doesn't see how much Segasaki has been pouring his love on him the whole time, and doesn't get how deeply this misunderstanding between them has also hurt Segasaki.

"What is so good about me?" is also a valid and fundamental question that deserves an answer. Sucking on a finger and refusing to answer in a coy tone is not enough, even if it's hot.

Lol, Yoh admits to himself that he liked being tied up because Segasaki was anxious and finally admits aloud that he might like Segasaki.

Okay, Segasaki stopping immediately, and then zipping up the jacket after Yoh sneezed was also hot.

"I don't care anymore. I'm going to do this slowly so even a dense guy like you understands my feelings. You're prepared for this, right?" And that smirk? I'm gone. Bye.

I do like when they get to tend to each other when they're sick, and now we finally get to clear up the manga thing offscreen.

Segasaki tried to confess via the manga and Yoh totally didn't get it. We're running out of time!

I love Man-san. She's connecting her bestie to opportunity and telling him to stop doubting his boyfriend at lunch while still working.

There's only two of them. They'll be eating this curry for days.

Even if he's being himself about it, I like that Segasaki is trying to let Yoh have a life beyond them.

Oh, I really love that Segasaki wants the domestic ritual of coming home.

Oh lord I hope they don't get salmonella poisoning.

Final Verdict: 9, This Was Compelling. I really liked the exploration of this dynamic between the two of them. I feel like we still left a hole in how this got started and why Yoh misunderstood Segasaki so badly in the beginning, but the performances are so captivating that I will forgive them that oversight. I really love how effectively MBS used a small cast and small locations for this drama, and I genuinely hope we see these two actors working together again.

#my personal weatherman #taikan yoho #japanese bl #bl series #Ben watches

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whateverisbeautiful · 3 months

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♥️ Ranking Richonne

#14: Soon As I Get It, You Will (S6E10)

This moment will always have an extra special place in my heart. 😍 It’s when I so clearly in real-time saw that Rick and Michonne were going to perfectly transition to a romantic couple because they’d been in love a long time. I said TWD's opening minutes really used to bless us with some great Richonne content throughout the series, and this one from 6.10, their classic canon ep, is atop the list. This scene paints a clear picture that Rick and Michonne weren't just about to become a couple at the end of the episode - they were going to embrace that they already were one...

I adore domestic Richonne scenes and in this scene, they were just so comfortable and happy living what felt like such a normal morning in their home with their kids. 🥰 Moments like this are what I most want for Rick and Michonne and their children. It's the good, happy, peaceful life they deserve.

The scene starts with Rick and his belt, which I gotta say always makes me think the writers were going for a bit of an innuendo lol. Then the shot makes it a point to show that Rick has taken his ring off. That’s definitely a big indicator that he’s now in a place to more fully and healthily move into a new chapter (and to signal to Michonne 'I'm ready when you are' perhaps lol).

Rick grabs the watch but leaves the ring, and that is such an intentional shot. It symbolizes that it’s time to move forward, in love especially, and Rick is finally ready in proper ways to do that.

And he knows who he’s meant to move forward with - Cuz then she shows right up to his door looking glowy and gorgeous in a robe. 🤗

I love that Michonne feels comfortable enough to approach his room in her robe and towel and ask if he has any toothpaste left and that Rick cutely teases her about using his toothpaste the last few weeks. They bring out such a playful flirty side of each other, and I love it.

Rick’s smile when he teases her and then Michonne's reaction...😊 I know that house felt like a sauna the last few weeks with all that steamy tension they’ve been trying to keep the lid on.

And I like that whatever happened in the last two weeks broke their ability to downplay their attraction - because the way Rick and Michonne are looking and reacting to each other in this scene...you know I gotta use my favorite word - the attraction is palpable.

I’ll also just always love that even when TF all moved into separate houses, Michonne stayed with her Grimes family. She’s one of them fr.

Michonne sounds like such a mom when she calls for Carl, and Carl sounds like her teenage son when he responds with a low-key attitudinal “What?” This is the first we’re hearing from Carl since getting his eye shot out and it tells you he’s definitely still that same feisty-when-he-wants-to-be kid. 😂

I love the moment when Rick says he can’t hear Carl and has him come on out. And the smile Rick gives Michonne and the way she amusedly looks at him and subtly rolls her eyes when they wait for Carl to come over. 🤭

And then, after Rick smiles at her, he has this extremely telling reaction like he’s trying to play off whatever he’s so clearly feeling about her before Carl comes and catches his whipped self.

But Rick ain’t ever been slick when it comes to how he feels about Michonne, and so even in that little squint that he does, it’s clear this man has caught all the feelings there is to catch lol. This is a man in love, I tell you. And he knows it now. 🤗

I adore their energy here and I repeat this is not how people who are just friends look at each other. This scene is just so fun too cuz there’s no speculation needed by this point - it is factual that Rick and Michonne are both more aware that they are attracted to and in love with this person in front of them. And it’s sweet to see them be all smiley about it in their final pre-canon scene.

Truly, the only thing they were waiting on at this point was knowing for sure the feelings they felt were mutual.

Carl gives another little attitudinal 'what?' to Rick and when Carl repeats what he said about Denise, Rick says it at the same time as him and it’s such a dad moment. Michonne laughs and I’m pretty positive Rick did this specifically knowing it would make her laugh cuz Carl is not that amused by it at all. 😂

Michonne again sounds like such a mom when she tells Carl it’s time to change his bandage and she needs toothpaste. I know Rick and Michonne have to be picking up on how much they so naturally feel like a perfect little four-person family right now. Like they were giving mom and dad and they were giving husband and wife...

And I love that there's always this refreshed good mood when Rick and Michonne get to just live everyday life together with their kids. 🥰

When Carl says he’s also out of toothpaste, Michonne looks over at Rick and shakes her head as they both smile, and you know Rick knew right then and there that he’s gonna find a way to get her that toothpaste today, no matter what.

And then y’all, it’s Michonne’s turn to have an extremely telling reaction because she then quietly watches as Rick picks Judith up. Again, this quiet lingering look was not a platonic look from our girl Michonne. And whatever she was thinking about Rick at this moment...

I was probably thinking it too. 🤭 It’s sweet seeing Michonne just quietly take this moment in, knowing that she loves and respects this man, as a father, as a fighter, and as the love of her life.

It’s also heartwarming hearing Rick be so sweet with Judith and say, "come on, sweetheart." Girl Dad Rick is always great to see for us and Michonne - because Michonne’s smile observing this is just precious. That’s a good man and she knows it. And a hot man and she knows that too. 😊

It's great how Michonne doesn’t just sound like a mom in this scene, she also is such a wife, especially when she tells Rick to "be good out there." And Rick feels like such a husband saying, "yeah we’ll see."

And then you know I gotta take a moment to celebrate my favorite part of this scene - that low-five. 🙌🏽

It's so good, and I credit that low-five as the flashing light that fully let me know these two had a chemistry that was bound to turn romantic. Looking back, it's genuinely crazy it took me until their canon ep to open my eyes and know for certain that what I'd been watching all along between Rick and Michonne was a love story but hey...

And ever since that low five, I have learned from my mistake and fully boarded this ship without ever looking back.

I love that true to their magnetic ways, Rick extends his hand to her, and, y’all, somehow they manage to make a freaking low-five feel romantic and so much more than just casual.

This is how you know your ship is in (no pun intended) capable hands. Because the actors knew that the next time Rick and Michonne see each other in this ep they're going to go all the way, and so this scene in the opening minutes had to really tell you their current headspace and that they were right on the brink of expressing this long-time love more physically. And of course, Andy and Danai were able to communicate that in something as simple as a low-five. Best in the biz, I'm just saying. 👏🏽💯

This touch between them is important too because their previous few and far between touches had always been one touching the other - but in this moment it was both of them engaging, hinting how they’re both finally ready to express their love a different way.

And I love that as Rick so often does he accompanies the low-five with a thank you. Always so grateful for her. 😊 He can go out on these runs and trust that his kids are okay because they’re with their mom.

It just felt like such a married sendoff as he thanks her before going out for the day and she casually lets him know her favorite type of toothpaste. I love the way she tells him which toothpaste she likes best and that they're able to live a stable enough life for them to even have preferences now.

Rick says, "soon as I get it, you will" and, chile, he means that. 😋 I love that quick line and that he says this sounding like a husband yet again. He knows it’ll be a priority to get this toothpaste not just for the community but for her specifically because what Michonne wants, whether big or small, always matters to him.

And the line also just feels like a fitting sentiment to their relationship. As soon as he gets that this romance can be acted on, she will. So it’s a great line to land on in their final pre-canon moment together.

(and y'all can we just take a moment to observe the way they are looking at each other during this low-five...like the heat coming off of them is really something. it makes sense later that night would finally be 'the night' because i don't think they could resist for one more day lol ❤️‍🔥)

I also never noticed that the scene ends with Rick playfully tossing the ball at her. Can they get any cuter? 😭 What Rick and Michonne bring out of each other is just the best and I adore this bright and happy scene for showing this great and lived-in layer to them and their relationship.

Whether you’d been anticipating Richonne for seasons or were new to the ship, this scene made sure there was no denying that Rick and Michonne are family and not just as parents but truly as gorgeous and natural spouses. Married before they knew they were married, y’all, and this moment made it clear.

So I really appreciate this morning scene for showing that Rick and Michonne have built a life together not just as 'team family,' not just as co-leaders, but as a mom and dad and very very soon as an officially consummated husband and wife. And y'all...

We'll get there. 😉 But for now, staying focused on this absolutely delightful 14th moment on my list - I think about how Rick and Michonne always got to see the more normal and human side of each other ever since season 3. And in this 6.10 scene, you see them both not only witness that everyday side but really be attracted to that side too, in a way they can no longer hide.

So yeah, toothpaste and toothbrushes stayed giving us some great Richonne content. This 6.10 opener showed that the Richonne ship had been set sail - now it was just time to release the 'canon.' 🤗🪥

#richonne #top 30 #number 14 #rick x michonne #reveling in richonne #twd 6.10 #twd towl #the ones who live

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its-time-to-write · 8 months

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ch. 1 - hustling for the good life

please never let me write a series again. if I say i’m going to, please remind me that it’s the worst and i’ll hate myself for it. anyway, here it is and yeah, i got self conscious about it. uhh also Jamie doesn’t show up till chapter 2.

table of contents

cowboy like me

Getting from the car to the hotel lobby should not be this challenging. It’s not even that far a distance, but the moment your car pulls up to the doors, you understand that this is going to take a lot of pushing, shoving, and flashing cameras.

“How’d they even know I was going to be here?” you ask your assistant-turned-best-friend Natalie.

She grimaces. “I was kind of trying to keep this from you, but your new makeup artist has been leaking your location. That’s why it’s been hell the past week or so.”

You groan and say, “Shit, and she was so nice, too! Who would’ve thought?”

Natalie shrugs. “I had my suspicions from the beginning. Gotta tell you, it was hard fucking work catching her in the act without you knowing.”

You smile and pinch Natalie’s arm affectionately. “This is why you’re the best, Nat. You’re always fighting a losing battle against my anxiety.”

She grins back and says, “You ready to brave the paps? Be warned, they’re going to be particularly vicious.”

“Obviously,” you reply. “They’re probably all wondering why I don’t have a ring on my finger.”

Natalie makes an ick noise and says, “I, for one, am glad you don’t. I think I’d have to quit if you married him.”

You laugh as your door opens and your bodyguard begins to usher you inside. You’re glad you’re not marrying him either.

—

Fame is weird because it pretty much means your entire job is based on other people’s perception of you. They never have any idea what’s actually going on, and if the people decide they don’t like you, you’re done. You like to keep your personal life, well, pretty personal. That means social media accounts run by a publicist, a secret apartment, large sunglasses, tinted windows, and a fuck-ton of coffee.

Your last three relationships had all been for publicity and you didn’t mind so much, but it was odd. There was an actor, a guitarist, and (most recently) a model. They were all incredibly sweet, which you understand is a rarity. Fake relationships have the tendency to run sour, but they were just genuinely kind people.

The last one, the model, had commented on your ability to detach one night. He specifically noted how you could fake a sparkle in your eyes, the kind that you’re only supposed to have when you’re really in love. You had laughed and patted his cheek, and told him that you didn’t want to be in love. It’s easy to fake something you don’t truly desire because there’s no underlying pain in your eyes.

The actor and guitarist had said similar things, the actor in particular telling you that you should consider switching which business you were in. You just grinned and told him some lyrics for a the song you’d release when you two broke up.

Love is a hassle. You don’t need it. You’ll take your nice car over an open heart any day.

—

It’s late but not too late as you and Natalie lay on the giant bed in your room, face masks on and glass of wine in hand.

“I still don’t understand why you won’t even keep ten percent of your new EP,” she says as you absently watch the show on the TV. “You’re making so much off it, that it wouldn’t make a difference.”

You shake your head. “Mango was always going to be for that charity,” you reply. “It doesn’t make sense that I would tell their stories and then profit off it. It’s their album, I was just the execution.”

Natalie raises an eyebrow as she says, “But no one knows what it’s about. Or that you’re the one donating all that money. Honestly, I’m shocked that no one in that entire organization has figured out what’s happening yet.”

“Well, I think Christine probably has an idea,” you laugh. “She always could see right through me. And the girls I talked to promised to keep it to themselves. You know, they each get a percentage too.”

Natalie nods. “I know,” she says. “I understand your vision, I really do. I just need to check in with you every now and then, so I know you understand what you’re doing.”

“I do,” you reply. “I really do.”

—

Mango was a one-off EP you created after becoming financially involved with an organization specializing in helping women escape domestic violence. A little heavy for someone whose songs were best listened to on a sunny day, but you needed something real. You hated the way you felt separate from real people and Christine, your point of contact, had given you a lifeline. Your money now had use, beyond buying loved ones houses and cars and whatever else they could possibly want. You didn’t want to become publicly involved, and the whole company was great with keeping you anonymous. You’d talked to so many women who had stories of love turned rotten, and the hope they’d been able to find.

You wrote a few songs about some of them, supposed to be a personal gift for those who had touched you.

It was Claire, the one who had told you the story that inspired Mango, who said you should release it.

You’d protested at first but the other girls caught wind of Claire’s vendetta and pushed you into it as well.

Natalie helped you put your vision to paper, and contracts were written so the money Mango made would go to its true visionaries.

It was satisfying in a way that no other album had been.

It had depth, it was personal, it was upbeat but in a real way, and it had a strange sadness laced throughout each track.

You came across a tweet that said, I don’t know why I’m crying to Kitchen Epiphany, but it’s 3am and I can’t stop sobbing.

That’s exactly what you wanted. Nothing is explicitly sad in the song, it’s actually one of the most sunny songs on the EP, but still. There was something that people could feel, could connect to.

You think that feeling is better than any type of love.

—

The trip to London is another PR thing. “Blue Glass singer/songwriter spotted in London on the heels of breakup with model ex,” said one newspaper.

“Mango artist has let her man go,” said another.

“I think they could have done better with that pun,” Natalie remarks. You giggle.

“I don’t give a shit, as long as they’re buying what I’m selling. It’s just nice to be out of America for a little bit.”

Natalie squints at her phone and says, “You know you’re here for work, right? You have that interview in an hour, plus we have a party tonight. You don’t have to pretend to be sad for this one, apparently you’re supposed to move on quick and act like you’re ‘happy, single, and unburdened.’”

You’re not sure who exactly she’s quoting, but you’re pretty sure she’s reading some message from someone in charge of your image. They don’t do a bad job, but they could do better.

—

The interview is good, done by a sweet girl who asks interesting questions about aesthetics and personal projects, things a little different from your normal interviews.

You head back to the hotel and figure out what you’re going to wear to this party, some football thing, while Natalie laments her inability to wear slippers.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” she says as she rummages through her makeup bag, “I fucking love the way heels look. But my feet are absolutely ruined and I just want to wear something comfortable for once.”

You hold up an ice-blue dress to the mirror. “You should just do it, Nat. It’s not like anyone’s actually going to care. I sure as hell don’t give a shit.”

Natalie’s head shoots up to look at you. “Are you serious? Please tell me you are. If you say I can, I’m totally not wearing real shoes.”

You decide to wear the dress and say, “Natalie Herrera, you can do whatever your heart desires. I literally could not care less.”

She squeals and says, “Oh my god, ok, ok, I’m going to the shops right now and I’m going to buy a cute pair. Oh my god, I’m so excited.”

“If you find a really good pair, get me some too,” you call after her, “I want some to wear around the room.”

table of contents

#jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt fanfiction #jamie tartt imagine #jamie tartt x y/n #jamie tartt x you #jamie tartt #ted lasso

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heartofwritiing · 5 months

Text

Is it New Years Yet?

paring: muscianbur x fem!reader

summary: in which wilburs flight gets delayed due to a snow storm and you’re left alone for christmas.

authors note: Happy chirstmas to those who celebrate! might be the only christmas centric fic i do, because I needed some comfort because the holidays are hard for me. been listening to sabrina carpenter's chirstmas ep and it gave me some inspo. I do have a cute ice skating date fic idea with wilbur i might do but no promises! :) sorry this is rushed and short.

warnings: a little angsty, established relationship, mentions of past trauma, alcohol consumption, hurt-comfort, separation anxiety, unedited!

Laying across the sofa in your living room, the blue light from your phone lights up your face as you scroll through your text messages with Wilbur. Reexamining his words sent from miles away brings comfort to you.

I wrote a song about you, do you wanna hear the demo?

Saw this at a stop and thought of you. *insert pic of something silly*

I thought about you all day again.

Miss you.

Love you so much.

The soft gold glow of the Christmas lights on the tree nestled in the corner is the only other light source. You had gone last week to pick out a tree alone, you could only be bothered to partially decorate it. You read over the messages You pull the comforter from your shared bed over your shoulders for warmth as a shiver runs up your body from your feet to your arms. The heater broke last week, and since it was only two days before Christmas, you couldn't get someone out to the house to fix it until after the twenty-fifth.

You tried everything to keep warm, wearing Wilbur sweaters, and buying more blankets than deemed necessary. It still wasn’t enough. You needed him. Inhaling the scent of the fabric you sigh sadly, It still smells like him.

Since Wilbur left, you hadn't been sleeping in your bed either, instead opting to sleep on the couch. It felt too lonely to sleep in that big bed all alone. Not that it mattered anymore, you were going to be alone for Christmas this year.

Wilbur had called you a few hours ago while you were baking cookies in preparation for his return from his small festival tour with his band. He had only been gone for two weeks, but it still felt like a month in your mind.

You were swaying along to the Christmas coffeeshop Spotify playlist playing softly in the kitchen while licking vanilla frosting off your finger when your phone started ringing. You wipe the remaining frosting off on your apron and pick up your phone to see who's calling.

A smile immediately grazes your lips seeing your boyfriend's contact photo appear on your screen. You answer with zero hesitation.

"Hii honey, Happy Christmas eve, eve!" you speak sweetly.

You're blessed with hearing his sweet chuckle that makes your stomach swirl with delight. God how you’ve missed hearing it.

"Happy Christmas eve, eve, darling,"

His voice sounds almost melancholic, but at the same time relieved to finally hear your voice. It causes you to frown in confusion. Shouldn't he be on a plane right now?

"Are you okay? I thought you were supposed to be on a flight heading here?"

You can hear a sigh escape his lips.

"I was, but, I had a layover in New York for an hour then there is an unexpected snowstorm heading towards here, and our flight is now delayed until Thursday..."

Your heart dropped. Thursday? Then that would mean... three days from now. he wouldn't be here for Christmas. You can hear him give a quick-lipped response of 'yea' to someone before his attention is back on you, questioning if you're still there. Gripping the phone tighter in your hand, your knuckles are turning white as you take a step back from the counter. You sink to the floor as you try to ground yourself into not panicking.

"You promised..."

Your breathing picks up.

"what? darling I can't hear you,” his voice is gentle through the staticky phone speaker due to the weather.

"You promised me, I wouldn't be alone..." Your voice squeaks as the tears finally flow freely down your cheeks as you break out into full-on sobs. Memories of being alone for the holidays in the past coming all back to you. You never really liked Christmas due to your childhood, but Wilbur changed that when you met. So to say you were looking forward to spending time with the only person you enjoyed it with made you panic with the thought of him not being here.

"I know, I know darling, I'm so sorry,” he says.

He guides you through your panicked state as you've helped him several times over the phone after big shows he's done the past year.

“Wilbur, I-I can’t-” you stutter, trying to get your breaths even. You felt pathetic for having a panic attack over the phone with your boyfriend over this, but it felt like your world was crashing down.

After you finally calmed down, Wilbur promised he would give you the best belated Christmas ever once he got home. He vowed to cuddle with you, bake with you, and watch cheesy movies until your heart was content. This made you feel less upset and more excited about his return. You stayed on the phone with him until he said his phone was at one percent, and then said goodbye before the call disconnected.

You are currently lying on the sofa and going through your text messages repeatedly. It has already been an hour since Wilbur last messaged you, and you are starting to feel uneasy about whether everything is fine with him. You are left wondering if he might have taken a flight, or his phone battery might have died, and he is unable to find a charger. Alternatively, you are worried that he has realized how clingy you can become and has decided to ignore you.

As tears threatened to well up in your eyes again, you realized that you had no one but yourself to comfort you. The separation from him hadn't been easy this last time since it was only for two weeks, but you couldn't help but doubt whether he honestly cared about spending Christmas separated. Deep down, you knew that wasn't the truth.

You fell asleep at sunrise on Christmas Eve. You slept through the entire day and woke up around 5 pm when your stomach started growling. Since you didn't feel like cooking anything, you made yourself a bowl of ramen. However, you still haven't received any messages from Wilbur. Which left you discouraged. You ended up falling back asleep on the couch.

You suddenly woke up to the sound of the front door opening with a loud creak. You quickly got up and grabbed the nearest heavy object, which happened to be a half-burned-out candle, preparing to throw it at whoever was trying to enter. The door swung open to reveal a struggling Wilbur, who was carrying his suitcase and guitar in each hand. You dropped the candle on the couch and ran towards him.

Engulfing him in a bone crushing hug, he gasped in surprise and dropped his suit case to wrap his arm around you.

“You’re here!” you cried.

You felt like you were dreaming. He was here, you weren’t alone anymore.

“Surprise darling,” he kisses your temple.

“H-how?” you ask in disbelief.

“The storm had cleared enough for me to catch a flight home to you,”

“It’s a Christmas miracle!” you say half joking.

Pulling away to allow him to close the door, you prop his guitar against the wall so he can grab everything else.

“So, what do you wanna do first?” you hop on your toes with excitement. Now that he is here, you are buzzing with energy again, as if life was breathed back into you.

Wilbur gives you a defeated yet apologetic look. He feels as though he is going to let you down once more.

“Sleep, I'm really tired darling, I figured we could do everything on your list tomorrow for actual Christmas.”

“oh right, sorry yeah, we should get to bed.” you laughed. Understandable completely, he had a long journey and was looking forward to crawling into bed and cuddling for as long as possible.

The time you saw it was almost midnight, almost Christmas day. You lead him to the bedroom as he settles back into his familiar space of comfort. Everything was still the same as he left it. Some dirty shirts on the floor, two half-empty glasses of water on his bedside, and his PC untouched in the corner of the room made him do a mental check to possibly stream sometime soon, but no rush.

One thing that was off was the comforter not on the bed in a messy heap. Instead, the pillow on your side was missing, and the thin sheet was left untucked on the bed.

You ran out of the the room and returned with the comforter, happy to finally have someone to share it with again. Wilbur frowned as he watched you carry the large blanket in your arms.

“What was that doing out there?” he questioned.

“Oh, I slept on the couch while you were gone,” you say nonchalantly.

“why…?” he drags out, like he’s waiting for you to elaborate further.

You froze, realizing he didn't know you were in the living room instead of the shared bed.

“I couldn’t sleep in our bed…” you responded, sadness in your tone.

The realization breaks his heart. How you've been face-timing him from the living room every night, complaining about your back and neck being sore. You reassured him every time he asked how you were doing and you would say you were fine.

"Love, why didn't you tell me you were having sleep problems?"

In all honesty, you didn't want to burden him with the knowledge that you weren't sleeping well without him. Wilbur was already overloaded with responsibilities, you didn't want to add to any of his stress.

"I didn't want you to worry or want you to think you had to take care of me and rush away from your responsibilities that are more important." you look down, ashamed of admitting it.

He steps over to you and takes your face in his hands, you stare deeply into his chocolate eyes that hold so much sincerity.

"Listen to me when I say no responsibility is more important to me than you. You're my whole world, and nothing will ever change that. I know it's hard, but I need you to be more honest with me, especially with things like this." he declared. "You're everything to me, and I couldn't bear letting you suffer in silence. Never feel like you are a burden. Because you never will be.”

Wilbur wishes he would've been here for you when you needed him most, but now he wants to make it up to you. By the time he’s finished with his speech, you’re left with tears streaming down your cheeks and a sense of relief. Wilbur kisses your forehead, nose, and finally captures your lips in a sweet kiss. Once you both pull away theres nothing but bright smiles on both your faces.

You both climb into bed and hold each other like either one of you could turn to dust at any moment, eventually falling into deep slumber together peacefully.

The next afternoon is spent dragging Wil out of bed and back into the living room so you can make him brunch and start your marathon of Christmas movies. Mostly just him talking through the whole thing, making little quips about the story or what the characters do. You wouldn't want it any other way.

The time had finally come to open the presents. You decided to gift him a new sweater along with some guitar picks, as he had a habit of losing them. In return, he gave you souvenirs from his travels, including stickers from all the new states he visited and a sweater of your own so you would stop taking his. That was never not gonna happen.

The rest of the day was spent in the best way possible, simply enjoying each other's company.

Later when the sun had gone down once again you were snuggled up on the couch together, sipping on wine as another movie played as background noise. You looked up at Wilbur with tired eyes and he notices.

“what?” he asks brushing a strand of hair out of your face, it makes your cheeks flush.

“Im so happy you’re here.” you confess.

“I am too darling,” he smiles.

Wilbur leans down to capture your lips. They fit together like perfect puzzle pieces. You can taste the bitterness of wine on his tongue when it slips past your lips. You gripe his sweater between your fingers and pull him incredibly close.

You break apart before it gets to heavy, your head swirls from the slight tipsy feeling from the alcohol, but also from your boyfriends sweet kiss.

“Merry Christmas Will,” you whisper.

“Merry Christmas my love.” he hums back.

You nuzzle into his neck as he wraps you into an embrace. You both fall asleep on that couch you had spent so many nights alone on. Snow falls outside, and for once, everything is peaceful in your mind knowing your love was safe at home holding you.

End

taglist: @trashcanduck @merakiwi @ax-y10 @mysticalsoot @idontreallyexistyet @loonalvjy

#wilbur soot x reader #cc!wilbur x reader #musicanbur x reader #wilbur soot x fem!reader #x reader #mcyt #christmas fic #seperation anxiety #hurt comfort #fanfiction #fluff

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anteikustarbies · 1 year

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Joel Miller X Female Reader | Answers

Rating: Fluff but explicit language is used

A/N: i know that in this ep that Joel doesn’t have a sleeping bag but just humour me :)

“Fuck.” Y/n muttered under her breath. Behind her a groggy, sleep-filled voice spoke up “What is it?” “Nothin’ Joel. Just, go back to sleep.” She exhaled with a tiredness to her voice that had seemed permanent since the start of this damned apocalypse, though she felt sometimes that it was even like that before this had all started, but then came to the conclusion that it was too far back to even remember.

Awake now, Joel sat up and tentatively asked “Why ain’t you asleep by now, it’s gotta be at least 4AM?” With a grunt Joel removed himself from the warmth of his sleeping bag and walked over to her, he noticed that her eyebrows were furrowed and her hands were occupied with something, it didn’t need a genius to figure out what it was. A map.

“You need to stop looking at that damn thing, we know where we’re going and Tommy ain’t going anywhere.” He doesn’t know if he was trying to reassure her or himself.

Y/n let out a sigh full of all the frustration that she’s been feeling since the beginning of this trip, one that has took every possible u-turn since they took the job. They always say to expect the unexpected when you’re out here, in the cities, in the forests and out of the safety of the QZ, but never did she think that it would land her here, on the 33rd floor of some random ass office block with a kid who is immune to the virus that took her own child.

Y/n’s fists tightened around the map placed in her hands, she felt like she hadn’t stopped looking at it, analysing every road, every freeway, shit every fucking alley, anywhere where Tommy could possibly be. She wanted to find Tommy, no she needed to, she needed answers, answers that only he had. All y/n wanted to know was what the fuck happened to her son, and Tommy? Tommy knew.

“It’s been weeks since he contacted us Joel, he could be anywhere. We should’ve gone looking for him a hell of a lot sooner, at the least we wouldn’t be in this fuckin’ mess” Y/n whispered, voice full of unattended anger and rage. Sure she liked Ellie, thought she was a nice kid, but at the end of the day this was not her child in her eyes, she didn’t think that Ellie was enough to distract her from the truth of her own child’s last day. She couldn’t let herself do that, if she did that’d mean that she was giving up.

“Y/n, I get it, okay I do but- We can’t do this right now. We have other priorities.” Joel gently removed the map from her hands, folding it and placing it on the ground. His hands swiftly replaced the previously removed object, thumbs began to caress her palms, deep-cocoa eyes piercing into hers, easing her soul in a way that he shouldn’t be able to.

Y/n let out a hearty sigh, one small, insignificant gesture and she was brought back to reality. Joel had had to do this for her a lot recently, stop her from overthinking and getting ahead of herself, stop her from allowing the consuming thoughts of her son’s death take over her mind and make her irrational and heartless, in a way, just like it was right now.

These where the moments in which she truly appreciated Joel, where she felt like him and her truly connected. A part of her thought that it was because he knew what it was like to lose a child but, deep down she knew that it was more than that. It was always more with Joel.

“I know I’m being selfish; I know I should be focusing on the kid that’s alive in front of us rather than one that’s-” Y/n let out a deep sigh. “But i need to know Joel, more than any cure, more than any kid that could possibly give us one. I want to know what happened to my boy. My baby boy.”

That was enough. She had gone too long without actually acknowledging what she needed to. That her son was no longer here, that he was dead. Sobs broke out from her, souring through her chest and shaking her entire body, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t see. She could only feel. and what she wanted to feel in that moment was Joel. Only Joel.

Joel’s arms circled around her, completely encapsulating her, securing her body to his. He could feel her pain, her desperation and he wanted to make it better, even if it was the last damn thing that he ever did.

One hand cradling her head and caressing her hair, the other supporting her waist, he felt like he was damn well near holding her together. When she was like this he never knew what to say, because he knew that there was nothing to say. He’d felt her pain, no matter how long ago it was now, and he still felt it, nothing ever eased it. Ever since he saw her, with her jet-black hair, heart-shaped face with those striking green eyes, he knew he wanted to protect her. Took him a long time to admit that to himself but he was past that point now, they had gone through too much together, all that mattered was her now.

“We’ll get your answers Baby, I promise you we will.”

#joel miller #joel x reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x female reader #female reader #the last of us #hbo max #imagine #fluff #ellie #tommy miller #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader

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marvel-starwarsfangirl · 2 months

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Ep. 8 "Bad Territory" Review

This episode was honestly the fluff I needed after last week's tense and crazy two parter. There was the usual action and excitement, but I loved the amount of fluff we got. Omega is forever our little ray of sunshine. I feel a bad feeling that it's going to get much darker after this week so I'll take any fluff I can get.

As always, spoilers below

It was really cool to see Fennec again and it makes senes that out of all the bounty hunters, the boys would choose to seek her out. She was originally after Omega, but she's not needlessly cruel like Cad Bane. If Omega's life were truly in danger, I don't think Fennec would want to see her get hurt. Cad Bane wouldn't give a second thought about it. Speaking of the ending, I definitely think she was talking to Ventress or someone like Quinlan. After all, Ventress is a Force-wielder and could be connected to whatever Hemlock is doing.

Overall, I really liked the interactions between her, Hunter, and Wrecker. Their banter was great and the joke about the Batch being straight up broke had me cackling. Like yes, these 5 guys with a kid are clearly enjoying Space Greece or whatever the fandom calls it. They're not gonna be looking for jobs right now. I also enjoyed seeing the boys use their skills like Wrecker's demolitions knowledge again. It's been so, so long since we've seen the boys go on a classic mission. That's not a bad thing either to have an "adventure of the week" style episode. It was cool to see them back in action (you know, non lethally).

The environment looked great, Wrecker and Hunter throwing hands with gators was pretty epic, and the final fight with the other bounty hunter (?) was exciting. I'll admit, the antagonist's design was cool and it allowed from some fun fight choreography.

Shoutout to the Phee cameo btw! Love seeing her as always. I think she'll be back after the Pabu invasion or she'll be back in time for that event to happen. Crosshair not knowing who she or Fennec was though was pretty funny. He's missed so much. (Also, this is the first time we hear him call Echo by his name fun fact).

Of course, Crosshair and Omega were the standouts because their dynamic is just that good. They're finally getting Crosshair's hand addressed! And I'm so glad Hunter stepped up to make sure it got looked at. Hunter loves Crosshair despite the past and he will look out for him. As many of us thought already, Crosshair's tremors are psychosomatic. We don't what happened on Tantiss (aside from some vague details), but whatever it was, it was bad; real bad. Crosshair is afraid of talking about it because it hurts. His reactions to even thinking about it were heartbreaking.

My theory is that Hemlock did something that broke a part of his identity. Maybe the identity erasure almost worked. Maybe he had Crosshair kill someone during a trial session to see if the reconditioning worked. Whatever it was, it traumatized Crosshair (on top of everything else he went through). For Crosshair to move forward, he's going to have to confront his trauma. He'll need to accept what happened to him and learn that it doesn't define who he is now.

Omega is so gentle and patient with him; I absolutely love it. She doesn't push him nor does she just leave him to get trapped in his mind. Instead, she tries to teach him coping mechanisms. The way he trusts her is so good too. Crosshair doesn't know what to do, but here is sister whom he loves. She's never left his side since they were imprisoned together and she was the only one who really advocated for him back in season 1. This girl loves him and he loves her. The scene where she holds his hand because it won't stop trembling genuinely means so much to me. It's such a small gesture that means so much. I really do appreciate that the writers are taking their time to show Crosshair going through the healing process. His hand doesn't get magically fixed because he escaped Tantiss nor because he redeemed himself. He achieved that. Now, he needs to finish the rest of his journey. AZI even mentions that it could be permanent. Real life mental health issues don't disappear in one night nor do they go away permanently. It comes and goes and that's what Crosshair will have to do. He'll have to cope with his trauma and hopefully the tremor will steady over time.

Many have pointed it out, but I would love to see a scene with him and Echo. Echo understands Crosshair's plight as he too was held captive and subjected to horrific experiments. I hope we get a scene between them where Echo comforts him. It would be a nice moment between two characters who often don't interact much.

Aside from that, the animation and music were great as always. That last scene of Cross and Omega meditating while Pabu's sun begins to set is truly gorgeous and it might be my favorite landscape shot of the show. It's also reminiscent of Hunter and Crosshair together on Barton IV. I am truly so happy to see Crosshair finding peace and happiness after so long. I honestly never thought we'd see him like this. But now, we do. (Side note: he looks so much smaller and vulnerable without his backpack or shoulder pads).

Anyways, I could go on and on about Crosshair. But I'll save that for another post. Can't wait for next week and hopefully we'll see Ventress!

#star wars #the bad batch #tbb spoilers #tbb crosshair #tbb hunter #tbb omega #tbb wrecker #fennec shand

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mywebfoot · 3 months

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In Every Winter Night, Part 1 (Marry My Husband Fanfic)

Author's Note: Starting at the end of Ep 10, this fic explores their growing romance and physical relationship, overcoming the trauma she's had from that horrible ex that will not be named.

Part 1/4

-- Ji Hyuk could hear the words of Ji Won’s confession, but after she said she wanted to be ‘honest’ his lungs just froze. Ji Won’s lips kept moving, saying good things, wonderful things, but they came filtered to him, a tinny sound at the end of a long chamber. The rest of his mind was processing her presence in his home, her closeness… and her approaching lips.

A tiny corner of his brain registered her tentative kiss. The rest was a clashing battle of roaring yearning and iron resolution to stay away from her, so he wouldn’t have to make her suffer with his early passing. Too soon she was retreating, her fingers sliding off his neck in disappointment, her body turning away.

A loud NO in his mind broke through the cacophony of wants and needs. A heartbeat later, they were a tangle of hands and lips and heart and mouth. Nothing mattered, nothing could matter.

They crashed into the wall, driven by the urgent need for more, more contact, more skin, more fire, just more. Vaguely, Ji Hyuk knew he needed to get to a horizontal surface, somewhere, anywhere, but the repeated press of her sweet curves was robbing his mind of direction and aim. Then she shifted, hitching up a hip on the low dresser, opening up her legs and suddenly he was perfectly pressed up against the crotch of her white jeans. He hardened, impossibly more, and almost howled into her mouth. It came out an anguished growl. She moaned, and it was better than in his sweaty dreams. In those dreams he had made that last thrust, had imagined the burning hot slide and the slick reception he would receive.

What he had not imagined was the tremor in her arms and her tinny whimper. He froze. His restless hands stilled. Something was wrong. Cupping her shoulders, he leaned back, and peered into her eyes. Even half perched on the dresser, Ji Won’s head only came to his nose, and he had to bend over to get a good look.

He caught a short, damp glance before Ji Won lowered her eyes. Her slim fingers grasped bunches of his chunky sweater at his shoulders, and an unwilling tear trickled down her cheek.

Waves of panic hit him. “What did I do, Kang Ji Won, tell me.” The arousal had made his normally smooth voice gravelly, and it came out harsher than he intended.

She gulped and he felt wrong, wrong and guilty. What a monster he had been to rush her, to all but molest her. She had initiated things, yes, but that was no excuse…

He pulled back to give her space “I’m so sor—”

Immediately her hands tightened and she locked her legs around his thighs, pulling them back into full contact. Hot streaks of sexual tension burst as his cock came so near to her entrance he could feel her heat. The white jeans were a sexy, but effective barrier. He grit his teeth against the urge to thrust his hips forward.

“No, no, don’t…I just… it’s… ,” helplessly Ji Won looked up at him. The words could not form, and her eyes pleaded for understanding.

He had not been her friend for long. But he’d watched her, for years, quietly and painfully. In recent weeks he’d even had the joy of listening to her, understanding her dreams and her new resolve to be a different woman. Now, as during those long hours in the office, he examined her minutely. His assessing gaze took in the contradiction of her teary eyes but her legs determinedly gripping him, her lingering shakes but clutching hands. Then came a suspicion that perhaps he wasn’t the source of the problem. That she possibly wanted him as much as he craved her.

Experimentally, he grasped the hand still curled into his sweater, and locked his eyes on hers to check her response. Gently, he touched his lips to her inner wrist. That made her shudder too, but he was satisfied at the lack of alarm in her eyes. Whatever it was terrorizing her, it wasn’t him.

“Come, we need to talk.”

He placed her arm around his neck again, and in one easy move, slipped out of the grasp of her thighs, then turned and lifted her into his arms. He wrapped one arm securely around her back, the other under her knees, and he turned towards his living room.

Ji Won gasped at the sense of being completely surrounded by Ji Hyuk. Then she relaxed, trusting him and taking the comfort offered by the embrace of his wiry male body.

---

“Tell me.”

He thrust the glass with half a finger of whiskey in it at her. She glanced first at it, then at him.

After plopping her down, he’d purposely turned to his bar to fix her and himself a drink, and to give her a little space to compose herself.

Uncertainly, she took the drink. Ji Hyuk sat down kitty corner to her, so that he could look into her eyes as she talked. He didn’t touch her, although a part of him wanted to draw her back into his lap and carry on where they had left off. As before, at the beginning of this mad journey into the past, Ji Won looked wounded. As before, he wanted, no, he needed to tend to her first. So he waited, patiently, a frown curling his wide brow.

Ji Won gazed, unseeing, at the twinkling frosty cityscape exposed by his panorama windows. Her lips twisted in a bitter curl.

“I didn’t get a venereal disease from that man… but I guess he still had to leave me with something.”

Ji Hyuk stiffened at the mention of the serial cheater that was Park Min Hwan. The next second, he wanted break something. It should have been obvious that she had scars from that fool. His only excuse for not realizing earlier was that his judgement had been destroyed by the wonder of Ji Won’s kiss.

“He hurt you. Sexually.”

Ji Won jolted a bit at the blunt frankness of his words.

“Were you forced to have sex with him?” He could barely say the words past his clenched teeth.

Ji Won shook her head, slowly, then a little more certainly. “In a way, that’s more difficult to admit. I thought I loved him. So I… went along.” Ji Won closed her eyes, in shame, in sorrow.

“But I don’t think there was a time when I didn’t hate myself a bit more after.”

She heard him shift a little closer, felt the dip in the sofa as he leaned forward. Then she felt the warm clasp of his hand, wrapping her smaller hand almost completely in his. His body heat penetrated the fog of her awful memories and she marvelled. Marvelled at how good it felt, how much she already trusted this man despite confirming their feelings a few short minutes ago.

“Then let’s do something about that.”

Ji Won opened her eyes to stare into his intense gaze. “What do you mean?”

The left corner of his mouth tipped up, and the little dent she already loved so much formed. “I’m a man with a plan Ji Won-shi. It’s what I do.” He lifted his free hand and gestured to himself. “This old man does earn a living by running an organization.”

His smile faded. “Let me date you,” he said earnestly. “Let me treat you the way a man should treat a precious woman. I want to praise and pamper you until you cannot doubt how much you’re worth. Let me touch you, pet you, make love to you. Please.”

Ji Won already felt her insides heating at his words. Her inner muscles clenched once and she licked her lower lip. His eyes immediately darted to her lips. Watching her reaction carefully, he gave her an open-mouthed, frankly sexual kiss. His tongue darted out to taste her soft lower lip, sweeping a little deeper each time. She uttered a tiny moan, already wondering if she could handle being the focus of the intimidating man that was Yu Ji Hyuk.

“And when you’re ready, I’ll show you what I really want to do with that white jeans of yours. ” ---

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]

#marry my husband #yu jihyuk #yu jihyuk is a fox don't you know #na in woo #park min young #fanfic

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theflyindutchwoman · 19 days

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Thoughts or predictions for tonight's ep, specifically chenford? 💛💛

Let's see…

"Crushed" is so aptly named because this is pretty much how I feel right now (and from what I l've seen, I'm not the only one)

Predictions? A lot of awkwardness obviously… Lot of heartbreaking moments - not just with Lucy and/or Tim, but with Tamara too. This is good for her, but this couldn't happen at the worst possible time. If we see Lucy all alone in her apartment at the end of the episode, I'm not going to make it. I hope this won't be the last time we see Tamara.

Back to Lucy : I'm really looking forward to her partnership with Grey for this episode. She seriously needs someone to talk things out so she can process everything. And while he wouldn't necessarily be my first choice seeing that he is her boss, he can also offer her some very good perspective - about the job, about life… and about Tim. Besides, it is part of his job to make sure she is okay and it's about time that someone checks on her after everything she has been through in the past couple of weeks.

I still want to see some anger there because she has every right to be. Particularly if Tim is trying to pretend that everything is normal. That scene from the trailer where he and Lucy crosses path at the station intrigues me… even though I'm so not ready for it. BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO CRUSH ME.

As for Tim… I hope that by the end of the episode, he actually starts the work because he clearly is still lying. To Grey and to himself. "Trust me" 🫠 Oh sweetie, where do I start?! So hopefully he gets a reality check at some point in the episode. From Grey, Angela or that doctor. Or even from seeing how he's hurt Lucy. Whatever works.

I'm loving that the reason why Grey is worried about Tim is because he broke up with Lucy… I know, that's not the only thing but… It kind of is.

I hope that Tim won't reveal anything too important to the psychiatrist though… The last thing he needs is to incriminate himself (or Lucy and Angela) to someone who might be working for the other side. That would be so damaging.

BABY LOPEZ'S NAME?

KOJO? Now would be a really good time to show him…

I'm sure I've forgotten other things but that new sneak peek broke my brain a little...

#ask & ye shall receive #the rookie #chenford #lucy chen #tim bradford #6.07

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shortpplfedup · 11 months

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Episode 10 has put me squarely in my Jeng feelings in a way I have not obsessed about a character probably since Teh Krittikorn Saetun. After watching him compartmentalize his way into a complete abdication of responsibility this week, and having read literally every piece of stellar meta the fandom has churned out, but especially from folks like @bengiyo and @nakasomethingkun about the corporate setting actually being the point of this story...I'm completely down the rabbithole, no way out guys. I vacillate between my optimistic and pessimistic expectations on how satisfactorily this story will wrap. @lurkingshan and @neuroticbookworm STAY on Tee's ass and I can't quite say they're wrong. But the thing I'm now 100% sure about is that the romance is not the point of this story. The romance is here in service of points Tee wants to make and themes he wants to explore around capitalism and queerness (second time Tee is going hard at this idea, after poking at it in Lovely Writer). Tee is using romance because it's the most effective way to make queerness legible for and saleable to a general audience, WHICH IS IN ITSELF A COMMENTARY ON CAPITALISM AND QUEERNESS BUT I JUST BLEW MY OWN DAMN MIND AND HAVE TO PUT THAT IDEA DOWN FOR NOW.

Jeng, Jeng is the character sitting at the intersection, at the tension point between capitalism and queerness. Jeng, who thanks to @waitmyturtles DRILLING Asian family dynamics into my head over the last few months, I have realised is incredibly unlikely to be able to escape his fate as the heir to Jian Group. Why does Jeng work TWO FULL TIME JOBS? Because he can only have the things he wants if he also accepts the things he never wanted. He can't abandon Jian Group, but he can build next to it an entire other life: Pearl & Oliver, queer speakeasies, doing his little part to minimize food waste and support a marginalized community, and Pat. COMPARTMENTALIZATION. For all Jeng's big talk about work/life integration, he doesn't even consider that he can mesh the things he wants with the things he's obligated to do until Pat points it out to him under that bridge. Shouts to the homie @wen-kexing-apologist for breaking that scene down and making me realise that moment is the closest Jeng got this episode to the shape of the relationship he actually wants with Pat. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I say all that by way of preamble (I'm a long-winded bitch, strap in) on the way to one of my actual points: nobody actually KNOWS Jeng Kittiphong Atthachiranon. Even the two people closest to him in the story, Jaab and Tae, only know pieces. Pat barely knows him at all, because even though he desperately WANTS Pat to know him, the boss thing was a barrier to that, and now they've speedrun straight into a unholy mess when they should have been truly getting to know each other. You can see how, were it not for Jeng's slow motion rolling breakdown (of which his intense infatuation with Pat is honestly part and parcel) and Pat's role at Jian Group, these two could have spent a year at this pace, fucking and talking and falling in love and it would have been FINE. But the life Jeng never wanted broke containment and rolled over Pat, and now here they are.

@plantsarepeopletoo pointed out how the narrative punishes characters for going too fast or out of order (Jaab and Jen), and rewards those who take their time and stay the course (Chot). We thought Jeng would be the latter. That's the Jeng we're introduced to: calm, sensible, logical, responsible, in control. But that Jeng is a TOTAL SHAM, that Jeng is a façade built to meet the world's expectations of him, a carefully crafted and cultivated image of cisheteropatriarchal corporate masculine perfection. The Jeng who has been panting after Pat for the better part of a year and doing absolutely INSANE shit to get next to him, that's the real Jeng. This episode was Jeng trying to rebuild the wall between his two lives after having it collapse last ep and utterly failing BECAUSE PAT NOW IS PART OF HIS LIFE ON BOTH SIDES OF THAT WALL. He cannot neatly compartmentalize Pat into his Desired Life, because Pat also has to exist in his Expected Life. And Pat doesn't actually know Jeng, because this is all happening too fast and out of order, so he doesn't know that Jeng is in the middle of a full-on existential crisis as his two worlds collide.

Sidenote: Pat accidentally hit on Jeng's compartmentalization tendencies early in the show I realize, when he drunkenly whinged about how he couldn't understand why Jeng felt like two different people, and he didn't know which one was the real one. I think that sort of bullseye targeting at the heart of Jeng is one of a host of reasons Jeng fell so hard and so totally for Pat: he thought Pat understood him on some level. It's why having to come out to Pat, having to explain himself when he thought he didn't have to, knocked him onto the back foot and things haven't REALLY been right with them since.

It's so sad, and SO QUEER that Jeng is living this double life and it's slowly breaking him. He's coming apart at the seams trying to hold it all and not lose any of it. Jeng talked a good game about work/life integration, but the flip side of that is bringing your whole self to work. And he can't do that, he can't even think of doing that, right? But he's gotta do something because now Pat has been dragged into the mess, and worse yet Pat has brought Jeng's Desired Life to the direct and un-ignorable attention of the key figure in Jeng's Expected Life: his father. And while I think Jeng's father is aware of his Desired Life (disapprovingly natch, but silently allowing it as long as Jeng continues to live his Expected Life), I think he's stood ready to stamp it out the minute it becomes a problem. And the problem has arrived. That's why Jeng looks so sick when he realizes that Pat went to his father to resign. The shit has truly hit the fan. Compartmentalization is over.

#step by step #step by step the series

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absolutebl · 3 months

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This Week in BL - It's 2024 & I'm talking about TayNew... really?

(They pretty much told us all to sit down and shut tf up, 'cause they got this. AND THEY DO.)

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Feb 2024 Wk 3

Ongoing Series - Thai

Cherry Magic (Sat YouTube grey) ep 9 of 12 - I broke. In my defense, it was Monday, I needed comfort, and TayNew were right tf there. Ya know what? They are great in this show. It's a great adaptation. I might like it more than the JBL live action. You know why? Really, honestly WHY...?

That was a PHENOMENAL KISS. Those boys did Thailand fucking proud. They did fandom a solid. Thank you OGs for reminding us how it's done. I was getting used to SloppyHot. And SloppyHot has its place, but that TayNew rooftop kiss was a top tear class act. It was tender and sweet and respectful and joyful. It was eye work and breath work and years of practice. How very far BL has come while still staying so much the same. TayNew - I salute you!

(Read all about distribution issues here.)

The Sign (Sat YT) ep 12fin - we waiting, I guess? Bah.

Cooking Crush (Sun YT) ep 11 of 12 - The recipe book thing was so damn cute and I love a claiming. YOU KNOW I LOVE A CLAIMING!

In fact, I love OffGun.

I love food based BL.

I adored seeing a reboot of "the infamous dragging".

But I don’t love anything else about this show. Sigh.

1000 Years Old ep 1 of 12 - Finally we get our gay vampire BL from Feel Good Bangkok. Stars Shane (My Engineer) and fresh face Opal, directed by Champ (2gether). It’s kind of odd but enjoyable. A group of teen UFO seekers find a vampire instead. Opal looks a bit like a mix between Newnu + Leo (VIXX) - so cute + edge. Also, nice to see Shane again on our screens after so long.

Finally, I like the subtle (and sometimes not subtle) presence of ghosts permeating this show. Do the friends know she's there? Do they know she's dead? Is the existence of paranormal accepted but not that of aliens? Or are the two combined? Is this lazy writing or just fun world building? Who cares! It's enjoyable.

For Him (Thurs iQIYI) ep 12fin - the nail painting bit was very cutie queers and I've not seen it done in BL before, so that was nice. For some reason captions never dropped for me on this last episode, but it didn’t really matter. Not much happened and I understood everything anyway.

Quick pitch?

From the people who brought us Unforgotten Night based on a y-novel, about a young man nursing a heartbreak who has a one-night stand, but the other boy didn't want it to end. This turned out to be a pulp that wasn’t half as good as it should have been and even less memorable, but not terrible. 5/10 DON'T BOTHER unless you're v bored

City of Stars (Fri iQIYI) ep 3 of 12 - Oh it is such a pulp: the acting is not good and the script is terrible. Of course, I’m mildly enjoying it. Very good dream kissing. There's something appealing about these main characters - I think it's the moot crushes. We rarely get to see that. These days everything feels very one sided, this... isn't.

A Secretly Love (Thai WeTV) - Khonprot, a third-year hazer of the engineering faculty, has a secret crush on Pluem, a tsundere fourth-year head hazer. Over the years, he's seen Pluem cycle through girlfriends. Recently, after a public breakup, however, Khonprot thinks maybe a boy has a chance.

I tried but I can't get into my WeTV account anymore and I'm way too lazy to figure it out. I'll catch it grey if I can, since I've rebooted the bootlegging side of my BL life for Cherry Magic anyway.

So this show may stay in this section, or I may bump it down to "it's airing but..."

If anyone is watching it, let me know if it's good?

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Love For Love's Sake (Korea Weds iQIYI) 7-8fin - Ugh it was GREAT, despite some pretty telling flaws. I ended up feeling like some of the filming was amateurish (very overworked low angles - director's first feature, I assume), and the narrative is a little disjoined and on the nose, AND the subs are clumsy (which I don't expect from KBL) BUT I still loved it. (FYI - I wouldn't be so harsh on a BL for this kinda thing except one from Korea.)

Quick pitch:

This isekai-based KBL is about a man who must win a game by convincing a reserved teen outcast to fall in love with him. Of course, that teen represents himself and his own unhappiness. Like many queer narratives, this show is actually about self worth, trust, and found family, and it is VERY on the nose. But I don’t expect subtlety from my BL and I enjoyed it's truly lovely redemption arc and earnest performances. While I found the narrative a touch disjointed with overworked filming angles and poorer than average captions, this is certainly much better than early KBL in terms of consistency of tone, script, and immersion. Highly rewatchable and charming, which counts for a lot. 9/10

Trigger warning for suicide depicted.

Perfect Propose (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 4 of 6 - Gosh, it’s so lovely. But I do just constantly want to give them both hugs.

AntiReset (Taiwan Fri Viki/Gaga) ep 4 of 10 - Oh look, Taiwan has created yet another BL where I spend most of the time watching it grinning like an idiot. Surprise surprise. The pet name thing was fucking adorable. Also Taiwan once more proving they come by their "kings of kissing" title honestly. I mean to say. In a week of good kisses this one was just... WOW.

On the other hand, some of the underpinning themes are starting to v worry me (ownership, consent, age), and we only just got started, and I don't trust this production company so... I have concerns.

But also... YAY KISSES!

(I'm made of weak moral fiber.)

Although I Love You and You AKA Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 6 of 10 - Like many other shows on this list. I just enjoy it the most when the two leads are on screen together. So this episode was kind of lacking because they were apart for most of it. I also am starting to agree with the tone of the plot, that maybe they ARE better off as friends not lovers. (And I'm sure I'm not supposed to want that.) Oh Japan, must you?

My Strawberry Film (Japan Gaga) ep 1 of 8 - Oh it’s good. In the arthouse lane so don’t expect sweetness & light or an HEA. If there’s no cartoon aspect to a JBL, there’s usually no joy. But it is certainly good. Teens uncover some old film and a mystery around a pretty girl. The background music is wildly annoying (and rarely in the background).

It's Done

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - will binge when I have any spare time. 2024 is crazy busy for me so far.

The Servant and the Young Master - from Vietnam, it's on YouTube. I will give it a try when I have a window of time.

Began Beginning (Myanmar YouTube) - A Burmese BL? @heretherebedork vouched for it, so I will give it a watch.

7 Days Before Valentine (Weds WeTV) - Gave me Luminous Solution vibes have decided not to watch.

It's Airing But...

Dead Friend Forever (Thai iQIYI) - rumors are it's interesting. I'm waiting to know how it ends.

Ossans Love Season 2 (Japan Gaga) - 5 years later, will anything have changed? This is Japan so… probubly not. I won't be watching this. I disliked Season one and actively hated the follow ups. No thank you.

Playboyy (Thurs Gaga) 14 eps - Dear Playboyy, it's not you, it’s me… I hate you. You’re about as deep (and as palatable) as a shot glass of cum. While I'm sure you’re someone’s kink, you're my weakest link. Goodbye. I DNFed this at ep 5. Frankly I'm impressed with myself for getting that far.

Time the series (Tue Gaga/YT) 10 eps - dropped it at ep 4.

Next Week Looks Like This:

2/24 Unknown (Taiwan Youku) 12 eps - Older brother tough guy breadwinner looks after his sister and defacto adopted little brother. Little bother falls in love with him and is sent away after a stolen kiss. But when he comes back…

Sam Lin has a cameo so even if I wasn't already excited, I'm in. We should be on our guard though, Taiwan will occasionally go edgy, dark, and sad... this could go there.

One assumes GMMTV is filling in the BL time slot with something queer on their YT Channel after Cooking Crush ends, they gonna lose subs if they don't. But I've not been paying attention to the chatter so I don't know which of their line-up it will be. I think G4 are filming/off radar now, and Earth is in that het noona thing? Plus they gotta sort out the IP for MIx-Up and Ossen. So it won't be one of the announced adaptations. They'll hold My Golden Blood for the high season, so I think it'll be one of the lesser known lead-outs. Wandee or Only Boo maybe? But they only just started filming those. Are we getting our long awaited GL? Anything else left from 2023 that I forgot about?

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Two crawling kisses from Thailand this week. Now this is a fetish I didn't know I had. Turns out, we love this one! (*waves hand in air* I speak for all of us now.)

Cooking Crush

City of Stars

Possibly the best tsundere to cinnamon roll pivot we've had in a long time.

Also the best asshole to KING pivot. Could we have a whole drama staring this character now? Please?

And finally our sunshine learning to love himself.

SIGH. what a lovely show.

And a good SMILEY kiss from a KBL.

And then some cute cuddles? Korea is spoiling me these days. I'm catching expectations now. What's next? Japan learns to kiss in their light BLs? Ha! I kill me.

(All Love for Love's Sake).

(Last week)

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