#the only bad thing I did

[gatheryepens]

So I had my four week review at work yesterday…

#honestly it was really good #I don’t know why I was surprised #it’s like I’ve been messing up #or doing any big no no’s #the only bad thing I did #was on my closing shift on monday #I dropped like 3 bowls 💀 #but I don’t think anyone cared #the only things I really need to improve on #are speed and being louder #which I said I was thinking the same thing #he also commented on my personality #or lack thereof #basically I need to have more of a presence #and talk to more and new people #which is great advice #buuttttttt #if I’m put on a shift with the same people it’s kind of hard #hopefully when I get a bit more confident and comfortable around these people #I will be my regular self lmao 😭 #I feel like if I told my friends this they would think it’s pretty funny #since around them I’m usually pretty loud and outgoing #gatherrambles

[keets-writing-corner]

Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??

As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue

the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD

He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.

like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...

The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"

and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it

does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING

like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow

For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat

Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation

Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with

Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)

But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time

Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell

Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch

idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room

#hazbin spoilers #hazbin hotel #lucifer #lucifer morningstar #analysis #dissociation #look idk what to tell you all #I watched the episode and everything makes so much more sense #when you realize he's only intaking like 50-60% of the conversations #he's not bad at listening his brain is literally preventing him from getting everything #literally I've been there #the difference between him and me tho #is that he can't show it #he's the king of hell #he has to bluff his way through conversations #but yeah literally rewatch the episode with this in mind #and watch him reply to the things he DID catch #anyways #NEW BLORBO???? #who'd've thought I would go into Hazbin Hotel #and come out with freaking LUCIFER as my favorite character #I love him #he's so sad

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[inkskinned]

you get used to it, but it's tiring, because they need you to understand your own life as a series of goalposts. what college are you going to, what's your major going to be, whatcha gonna do with that, oh where will you settle down, when can i expect grandkids.

for the longest time my goals have been so blurry that they track into each other, their undefined edges slipping quietly back into the soft night. today i want to be a writer; tomorrow i will want to be a doctor, later i will wish i took that law school free ride. how the fuck do people just know what they want to do with their life?

where do you want to be in five years? i want to be alive; which is a huge step for me. ten years ago i would have said i want to be asleep and meant i hope that i'm dead by then.

but i want a yellow kitchen and a stand mixer. i want a garden and a fruit tree (cherry, if i can make that happen) and a big yard for my dogs to play in. i want to come home and read poetry out loud to someone and have them close their eyes to listen. i want a summer watergun fight. i want to make snowmen. i want to be the house to go to for halloween. i want my life to settle around me in a softness, for it to lay down gently. if i am very, very, very lucky, i want to travel; finally go someplace overseas.

of course i don't know what i want to be doing professionally. what i actually want to be doing is curling up beside my dog, settling in to read. i want to be making myself a cup of good coffee.

i can't answer the other questions. whenever people asked me what do you want to be when you grow up, i used to say i hope i'm happy.

i hope i'm still kind, five years from now. i hope i never get jaded and mean. i hope i have stayed in therapy. what do you picture yourself doing? when will you actually be an adult about this? why are you so afraid of being ambitious?

am i not ambitious? the other day i rearranged my furniture which doesn't quite fit into my apartment. i watered my plants. i'm going to try to propagate a cherry seed. my five year goal is to spend more time laughing. to lie down in a patch of sunwarm moss. to relax for a minute. to close my eyes and think oh thank god. this is why i stayed. this is finally it.

#writeblr #warm up #something something something took a lot of words to say #um my goals are really specific quiet things #and they're still valuable #bc i used to literally only have the goal of <3 bad things <3 #i was like ''who needs to picture the future? imma head out before then" #good news!!!!!!!!!!! ur in the future!!!! and u stayed!!! and thank god u did bc u actually fucking made it kid!!

[hellenhighwater]

Genuinely being a single woman in my thirties, living alone, is such a mixed blessing sometimes. I do love my house and when I'm here I literally never want to leave. But on the other hand, I do get tired of leaving to go hang out with people, even though I love seeing them. Especially because I have such a great group of friends but they live all over the place, geographically, and therefore most of them don't know each other. And I actually really love hosting? But I never have people in my house because logistically it's always more practical for me to go to them than vice versa.

But sometimes I buy new old dishes and wanna just have a little fancy wizard party, but all my guests are far away. Please may I have the teleport spell. Or a high-speed commuter rail system.

#Hazard of moving to a city where i dont have people locally i guess #a very insular city at that #and honestly i am not lonely! I have lovely freinds! But I do miss the college days of everyone basically living in walking distance #in one city #as opposed to now #where DND takes me the width of the state on a weekly basis #usually the only time there are groups of people in my house is around christmas for the family holidays #and like...in the overall balance of my life this works #me going to my people is the logical choice #and its not a bad thing #but most of my friend groups are...local clusters where I am the out-of-towner these days #which again: fine; i knew that going in when I decided to move where I did and overall its the best call #but also sometimes I want to just load up the whole crew in detroit and tell them we're heading to mine this time #dont worry there'll be fancy little finger sammiches when we get there #just give me an excuse to use the wizard plates

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Happy Valentine's Day! (and this blog's first post anniversary!)

#poorly drawn mdzs #better drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #Woah...it's been a whole *year* since I took the leap and uploaded my 'first attempt' art. #It's outdated now but it holds a special place in my heart for the fact it started all of this off. #Calling this 'poorly-drawn' was always about accepting that my art was going to be imperfect and messy - and doing it anyways! #There has been a staggering number of times I have drawn something I almost didn't upload because I didn't think it was 'good enough' #only for someone to say they liked it - or that it made them laugh. And it has helped me realize - #-The worst critic for my work has always been myself. If I listened to it all the time...well we would not be here now B'*) #And now that I have dabbled in other fandoms I can truly see how lucky was to start out with the MXTX fans. #The supportive messages and tags have truly been a guiding force toward my artistic and self improvement. #I really can't describe how grateful I am. #Thank you for seeing something worth rooting for when I was just figuring things out. #Thank you for being sweeter than the candy I have strategically hidden in the nooks and crannies of this house. #But watch out! If you forget to find them we will get ants. #I remembered to not hide chocolate in the bed this year. Yes I know it melted last time. Yes it did stain. I'm still sorry. #Thank you for loving me regardless <3 Even if it looked like I shit the bed real bad.

[kelocitta]

Day 23: Pearls Crown Jewel

#rain world #rainworld #rwartmonth #rw art month #was originally brown. rapidly learned i do not work well with browns. it is no longer brown #Also its not really clear thats the ID drone but it turns out it also looks bad when its the only thing obviously at a different angle so #whatever. anyway i like to think the scavengers just thought it was a really cool shiny thing like a pearl #also the scavenger chief doesnt have the mark of communication here cause i like to think the only reason it got that #was because pebbles couldnt blow it up due to the citizen drone #so they were trying to be like “please stop fucking around” and it Did Not Work #anyway i dont think i really did this prompt 'well' but im going to be busy tomorrow so ah well!!!!

[aliasknives]

a dear friend of mine who is about to start bg3 asked me which character i romanced and who my favorite is yesterday and like. it’s actually unbelievably fucking humiliating that one of the bg3 characters that im most frequently rotating in my mind is the lawful evil goth loser who is wearing the magic equivalent of a weighted blanket while trying to plunge the world into totalitarian dictatorship. instead of literally anyone else

#i did not answer #i said he needs to play it first and then ill make him guess #when your only remaining ally wants to kill you sooooo bad and your science experiments with human test subjects start to backfire #what do you do? well you either ally with your past situationship or the random person who is fucking things up #get me out of here #i need to be put down #bg3 #enver gortash #durgetash

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

#selfie bee #to be honest my stage 2 was just drawing the same picture of Helena Bonham Carter everyday #I still have the folder #friends not only did I drive a BIKE recently I also drove a CAR #all on my own!! （*´▽｀*） #It was very scary and I cried a few times but I did it #in the beginning I had to do a few night shifts in a different city and there was to other way to get there and in the end it was fine #I wonder what other things I am scared of are secretly fine #phonecalls? math?? （●´･△･｀） #I am actually avoiding math right this moment #I've decided to learn how to sew a skirt and did you know that sewing is secretly math #I did not know and now the skirt is very short and the living room is covered in yarn and I have not done any actual sewing yet #but I will do it and maybe its just like driving and you just have to cry a little and then it will be fine #the only truly bad thing that happened while driving is that I got into a thunderstorm one time #and it was night and there were 300 trucks going to opposite way #I tried to focus on the Lizzo song on the radio but I was also crying #if you were a truck driver and you saw a woman 2 months a go at night driving a car crying while singing Juice! Juice! (´；д；`) #I'm fine I hope you didn't also cry #have a nice day friends!! #I hope you're doing well!! ♥ :) #I will now go back to the skirt

[wybienova]

dream visit (nostalgia) - a 2nd anniversary katfl comic

#wooo wooo yayyyy uayyy happy anniversary #happy birthday elfilin and elfilis my beloveds #kirby #elfilin #fecto elfilis #idk if i should tag this as forgo #katfl #LOTS of talking abt this piece in the tags below #i wanted to do some kinda thing and I got this idea for a comic #so i just kinda went in and did it messy #not really worrying too much about how it looked #and I like how it came out I think #even if elfilin looks kinda bad at some parts #kind of a sequel to my old dream visit post? #that one I gave elfilis/forgo the tunic script but I didn’t feel like doing it this time #this one i was kinda thinking about like. ok #identity and stuff and how it differs for them #i know forgo and elfilis are 2 separate entities #but i like drawing elfilis #so i think in this dream scenario where they can kinda be whatever #they’d show themself as elfilis #because that’s what they are trying to become again anyways #and really elfilin is only a small part of the whole #so forgo IS far more ‘elfilis’ than elfilin would be #similarly they just keep saying ‘i’ whereas elfilin sees that form and thinks ‘we’ #forgo being kind of self centered: they don’t need elfilin to achieve their goals #that being destruction which elfilin would inhibit #except they do to actually become elfilis again #idk whatever I should stop talking #wybs art

[kaiserouo]

oh yeah destiny is a multiplayer game

#i still can only lfg about things i did before or i know i won't screw up #still feels bad when there's one small thing went wrong and the whole team instantly quit #should find some time to actually try solo nezarec or something #d2checkpoint my savior #getting all dark age set without beating warlord's ruin legit #destiny 2 #destiny hunter #destiny 2 art #my art #ramble #(i mean it is tbh)

[sorrelpaws]

no offense but i genuinely fear that their potential dynamic will go severely underutilized

#rick and morty #morty smith #prime rick #my biggest fear continues to be 'morty gets kidnapped by prime to bait c137' #because i think it could just. be so much more neat if morty and prime actually formed some kind of relationship independently. good OR bad #like idk imagine if morty is coaxed to join primes side out of some misguided attempt to protect his family #would sure be fitting for a character that clearly values his family and their safety idk!!! #and like. god imagine what morty mighjt think of prime #like he currently only has rick's perspective of prime. and obviously whether he wants to or not he sort of Has to rely on what rick says #idk imagine morty meets prime and hes like damn this dude is pretty cool. whether its because prime is putting on a deliberate act #or morty just Genuinely Thinks he's cool #ohhhhhhh imagine this is how they bring the morty mindwipe thing back. #prime would b like 'did you know c137 left the parts of you that disagree with him in a video game? isnt that fucked up morty' #theres just so much TO DOOO and im so terrified of NONE of this happening #bcs the writers seem to be physically incapable of prioritizing anyone but rick #LIKE GOD PLEASEEEE i know they only care abt the redditor audience BUT PLEASE do something ANYTHING with morty im about to start crying #went on a little rant lol sorry. can you tell i really like morty.

[b4kuch1n]

siren

#bakuspecial #cw: nudity #cw: body horror #monster #siren! I think. they're bird to me #I think this has been brewing since that stream mim did of drawing dnd monsters only from official text description #and when the official art for the sirens were shown I was like. oh thats just a woman with wings #lmao like. granted. its an official dnd book available for all audience. you cant make it too Bad To Look At #(I do not agree with this but it wasnt about me. if its about me its gonna be about very few people lmao) #but yeah. after that I got slightly too into the idea of putting more bird into birdwoman #but I also do genuinely love monsters that are Rearranged Human Parts so. I couldnt commit too much to the bird scales Im so sorry #I wanted the fleshiness. the feel. textural experience of holding her hands and being like oh that's a human #even when ur eyes tell u otherwise. mmm #...I looked to my right as I was typing these tags and saw. the fucked up pikmin I tried to sculpt the other day along with the pin #and got startled #its so. its so fucked up. gods. dusty white naked grainy parsnip #I used to have that one doll I butchered wanting to customize in a box next to me and thats way less upsetting than this. man #its perfect actually I will never throw this thing away. anyways #now. now I go to bed. its sleep time for the baku #have a good night lads! you CAN have it both way easily you just need a big bat

[angrylesbianstereotype]

Every other aspect of Jesse’s trauma makes me go oh no poor blorbo :( but his relationship w his parents and thinking ab it in the context of the series aftermath actually makes me unwell… they never even knew him they only ever saw the worst in him and now they’ve had that validated by his own actions and they’ll never know how sorry he is and that he was a good kid at heart and they didn’t imagine it and they still love him but how can they have loved him if they never even knew him and only ever saw the worst in him *flatlines*

#i sometimes feel like i’m the only one here who cares ab jesse’s parents but look #i grew up upper middle class with very attentive parents who really loved me #who would also accuse me of doing really bizarre terrible shit based on nothing but me wearing too much black or reading the wrong things #the love is there but it’s conditional the love is unconditional bc you are my child but i don’t know or love you as a person #obviously jesse actually did some really bad shit but even before all that they thought of him more as a junkie than their son #not me unloading in the tags lol it just hits too close to home is all #if i ever put my parents through that shit i would have to kms sorry #breaking bad #brba #el camino #jesse pinkman #diane pinkman #adam pinkman

[spielzeugkaiser]

[MASTERPOST]

Eskel is like "I WILL read this book about... A wolf and all his friends? Dancing and being. happy... 🥺"

#the witcher netflix #geraskier lovechild #eskel #soft eskel #geraskier #(no jeskel I am sorry but honestly I can see it at times) #omegaverse #listen retrospectively Eskel will slap his face (repeatedly) because it is at times pretty obvious (but only if you know!!) #did Milek accidentally call Eskel 'daddy' a few times? ofc he did. (how should Eskel know that he didn't just mixed it up in excitement.) #'oh he clearly meant his omega father' WELL #Roach should have been an indicator! but it's either that that name is in one of jaskiers songs (probable) and jaskier is like #'oh yeah he likes that one bard song about the horse - I swear he loves horses' #(that isn't even a lie and it's very Jaskier to compose an ode for Roach) #or he just goes 'We heard stories about a witcher crossing our town-' #and now wolf themed kids book. it's- #oh well #a lot of things are obvious when you look back to them #and I think Eskel could have made the connection! if Jaskier still had a lute. he would have gone at least once '... geralts omega bard??' #(who Geralt didn't really talk about but who they always could still smell traces of on him - bad thing that scents change after pregnancy) #but no lute?? connection not made. #that's the one jaskier thing Eskel knows of. always has a lute. #and retrospectively he can see that Milek and Geralt really look alike - it's at this age more obvious than later - because that is the age #that Eskel remembers. In which he still has a mental picture of what Geralt looked like? but it's been SO LONG #over a century #and Eskel was a traumatized child too. Things are. Very muddy. #the only ones who have a chance to recognize Milek are Visenna and Vesemir and that's it.

[somnimagus]

did some vesperia chibis, i always forget how happy i get drawing these guys. i love them dearly

[id in alt text]

#tales of vesperia #tov #tales of #the raven chibi's kinda old though. but i wanted to draw the rest #i do feel a little bad cause i always forget patty when i draw the whole cast. have to make myself add her in #mostly because i played tov years before the definitive edition; wee lass does not feel real #though honestly all of def edition just feels like a fever dream. people who played that version first/only: #did you notice yuri gaining an almost southern(?) drawl at random. and did it drive you insane #the way he says flynn. flyeahn. it's burned into my mind #and flynn's just like. yes yuri my best friend. you have sounded like this the whole game. you are not a frankenstein of 2 voice actors #fan art #my art #sorry that was probably super off topic; i just still think about it all the time. and i think i'm a little scatterbrained recently #i've been making time to draw and think about dumb things so i don't just sit and doomscroll all day