#then again im horrifically touch starved ! i will take anything . !

[epitheta]

Scrybe cuddle pile (with you in the middle)

god. i wish.

#|| > that is the ideal... #but also probably uncomfortable . ? or at least it would be for me WHSHDHGJG #then again im horrifically touch starved ! i will take anything . ! #it has to be texture hell. #youve got bark youve got fur youve got pines youve got metal youve got a resemblance of a person #and all of these temperatures range from hot to cold and just how are you supposed to position yourself in that arrangement #. okay. had to stop to think about it. #03 would realistically be on the outside of the pile in order for it to get out whenever and doesnt want anyone behind it #but theres also the consideration of if it can function as a cooling machine despite being a machine which normally means heat #can you imagine trying to rest your face against its chassis. not only is it entirely solid and doesnt give but also it is grimy and greasy #and AUUUGGGhh texchore hell... #[msg.outlook] #it has to itch. it has to itch so bad trying to hug mags. #unless you DO follow the beard hc in which i mean. ok. sure. #i think itd be nice to be spooned by mora though.. yeah.... #for the sake of my absent dignity im gonna end it here ¡□♡●♡□¡□¿ #fr tho. hard for me to think of the right posing #but to be fair im following bed physics and not chilling on a conveniently sized couch #mayve its time i sleep #good night anon i hope u have a lovely day

[animereaderinsertwriter]

Cupbearer (Eren/Reader)

Part III

Part I

Part II

Part IV (in progress)

Warnings: MINORS DO NOT INTERACT (im watching you, if you see this, begone!), vampire!eren, hunter!reader, fem!reader, smut, some amount of predator/prey dynamics but only kinda?? there is also a significant age difference but only cos eren is immortal and all that jazz. we're all adults here. there will eventually be smut.... and do i really need to say that there's gonna be blood in a vampire fic?

Description: A story of falling in love in 4 parts.

Eren is a bad man (well, a bad Creature) who has done bad things. When he meets the great-great-great granddaughter of one of his former friends in his favorite blood bar, however, he thinks it might not matter so much what happened in the past, so long as he can make the future something worth living to see.

Ao3 link here

After that night, it became increasingly hard for (Y/N) to leave, and for Eren to let her do so.

Something between them had changed. There were moments— when Eren would press feather-light kisses against her forehead, when he would casually leave a cup of her favorite tea where she would find it— where (Y/N) felt as though her heart might burst. It was all the little things that baffled her, all the ways in which he seemed to understand exactly how she felt; it was as though he knew her more than she knew herself. On the mornings that she would wake in his bed, sleepy and sticky and wholly content, (Y/N) wondered what it would be like to have this life forever.

Other days— on days like today— she was reminded exactly why that could never be, and it broke her heart.

Today, they had planned a romantic dinner in the park, an evening under the stars. It was supposed to be something special, a little getaway just for the two of them; they had wanted to leave as soon as (Y/N) was relieved from her patrol, so Eren had moved her things to his place, hoping that they could leave together from there for their evening alone.

In and of itself, that was fine… but when (Y/N) came in, covered head-to-toe in viscous Creature blood, Eren was furious.

“And you call me a monster,” he growled, looking her up and down with hate in his eyes. “I can’t believe you.”

He stood from his seat on the sofa, and (Y/N) began to back away, still wary from the fight she had narrowly escaped from unscathed. Her every instinct told her that she should run, fire a round of silver bullets into his chest, but she steeled herself, doing neither.

“It’s not my fault— they were attacking a civilian,” she told him as he stalked towards her, his face twisted into a horrific scowl. “I tried to stop them— tried to find out what was going on— but then they came at me with their claws, and I was left with no choice.”

“There is always a choice,” he snarled, and it was then that anger filled (Y/N) from the soles of her feet to the crown of her head. "They were probably terrified of you— how could you possibly blame them for lashing out?"

(Y/N) grit her teeth.

“This, from the man who thought genocide was his only option to the same problem?”

Eren made a low, warning sound in the back of his throat, but (Y/N) pressed on.

“You would rather me have died?” she demanded, stepping into his space. “Would it have pleased you more for my body to bleed out on the pavement, ripped to shreds by an aggressive werewolf? Would you even care, or would you just find the next blood bag and move on with your life?”

“Maybe so,” he shot back, “Then I wouldn’t have to deal with your insufferable mouth.”

That stung— but if there was one thing (Y/N) knew how to do, it was to strike back twice as hard as she had been struck.

“Fine then,” she said, turning on her heel. “I won’t bother you any longer. I’ll go out and find someone who actually wants my company, someone who’ll fuck me good and proper over the counter at some hole-in-the-wall bar over on Easy Street, someone younger, with a nicer cock and less fucking baggage— ”

She didn’t get to finish the sentence, or even walk a single step further— Eren grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to him, his fist painfully tight against her scalp.

“Wanna say that again, to my face?” he asked, tilting her head back.

“I’ll go find someone else to fuck me,” she spat, struggling in vain against him. “I’ll spread my legs for the next available schmuck in the closest bar I can find, so you can hear me scream his name and not yours.”

It was a low blow, to threaten a vampire’s claim on something they had previously assumed had belonged to them, but (Y/N) didn’t care. She had almost died today, and she’d be damned if she was going to take shit from anyone about what she had to do to survive. If Eren wanted a fight, she would damn sure give him one.

“Like hell you will,” he told her, pulling her head back so that she had to strain to remain standing. “You’re mine. Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood— you are my Companion.”

"I belong to no one!"

Those words ripped from her throat and echoed throughout the empty house, and it was then that Eren stopped, looking at her with calculation in his gaze.

"You're right," he said, releasing her hair. "No mortal can serve two masters, lest they love one and despise the other; an archaic religious concept, but an accurate one nonetheless. You've made it abundantly clear where your loyalty lies. I was a fool for thinking otherwise."

(Y/N) began to tremble. "Eren, what are you saying?"

"I release you from our pact," he replied coldly, his eyes so dull and lifeless that it sent a chill down her spine. "No longer are you bound to be my wine-press— I free you from me."

"Eren—"

"Go," he commanded, and (Y/N) felt terribly, horribly empty.

Once, he would have told her to come freely, go safely, and leave something of the happiness she brought him; now, he gave her a cold dismissal, and it frightened her more than she was willing to admit. Still, she went, feeling hollow and used, and she didn't bother to shut the door behind her as she turned to walk home, weary from the day and sick from fighting.

***

Armin had lived for a very long time, but even so, he had yet to meet anyone so foul of temper as Eren when the Hunger was on him.

"Eren, you have to feed."

The vampire, as ill in health as in temper, glared weakly at him. "I'm not hungry."

"But you are Hungry, and don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. Look, if this is about that girl—"

"I told you not to speak of her!"

Ah, so it was about her. By the looks of him, it had been two weeks since Eren had fed; Armin would bet that he hadn't seen her in the same amount of time.

"If I need to, I'll drag her here to make up with you myself," said Armin testily, "I refuse to watch my best friend starve himself because he refuses to feed on anyone else."

"You will not touch her."

Armin rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything further. He just patted Eren's arm in farewell and set about finding the little lady who was the root cause of his current consternation.

It took longer than Armin had anticipated to find the young woman who had, for all intents and purposes, completely unraveled Eren's composure; her scent, while thick and memorable in Eren's apartment, was hard to track otherwise. Armin spent two hours just wandering the city while trying to catch a breath of it here or there, and when he finally did manage to catch a whiff of her scent and follow it to her, he understood exactly why it had been so hard to track her down.

The girl was a Hunter, of all things.

When Armin found her, she was knee-deep in sewage, her knife embedded to the hilt in the skull of what appeared to be some species of winged reptile. Armin, having been a tad desperate and not actually having been expecting to find anything when he lifted the lid to the man-hole on 32nd and Main, was surprised to say the least— and when (Y/N) ripped her knife free and readjusted her stance into a defensive one directed at him, his surprise turned to intrigue.

“Er, hello there,” he said, scratching the back of his head. “I don’t suppose you’ll take my word for it that I just want to chat, will you?”

Curiously, the words gave the woman pause. She relaxed her stance ever-so-slightly, and then her eyes lit up with recognition.

“Armin Arlert?” she queried, craning her neck up to see him. “Is that you?”

This one grows curiouser and curiouser, he thought, but responded affirmatively.

“Can you give me a bit, then?” she asked, kicking the corpse of the Creature she’d just killed. “I’m not exactly fit for company. Perhaps we could meet later for a discussion over tea?”

“I’m afraid it’s urgent,” he said as she knelt to decapitate her prey— likely for proof of victory. “I think you know why I’m here, so you understand that time is of the essence.”

She didn’t look up at him as she replied.

“If this is about Eren, then I don’t have time to talk.”

Her tone was hard, bitter, and matter-of-fact, and it reminded Armin so much of Jean that it hurt… but just like Jean, Armin would bet that she could be won over by appealing to her inherent sense of human decency

“He’s suffering (Y/N),” he said, awkwardly crouching above the manhole so that she could better see the truth written in his eyes. “He won’t feed.”

“That’s hardly my problem.”

And oh, how well Armin knew that state of mind. If there was one thing Eren Jaeger knew how to do, it was push away the people who loved him most. Armin had dealt with that particularly lovely quirk of his for centuries, and it never got easier to deal with no matter how much time passed. If anything, it got more difficult the older they both got.

“When you’re the solution to a problem, you become a part of it whether you like it or not,” Armin replied, patient and understanding. “He cares for you.”

(Y/N) looked up at him then, fury in her eyes.

“He hurt me.”

Armin shrugged. “He hurts everyone he cares about. It’s just who he is. Nothing comes for free— least of all the love and loyalty of someone as old and as powerful as Eren.”

“Your heart may be toughened to his meanness,” she told him, the head of the creature she’d slain in her hands, “But mine is not, and I don’t like him well enough to willfully remain for him to use as an emotional punching bag.”

At that, Armin couldn’t help but let loose a wry grin.

“No,” he said, “I should think not; but I do think you love him well enough to make sure he doesn’t starve himself to death because he can’t have you.”

(Y/N) was silent for a long moment, then she crossed her arms.

“I won’t come crawling to him. He’s going to have to come to me.”

Armin grimaced. He wasn’t looking forward to that conversation.

“Is that at all negotiable?”

(Y/N) shook her head. “Absolutely not.”

Well, there was nothing for it.

“And you will let him feed if he comes to you?”

(Y/N) thought, then nodded. “If he proves himself deserving.”

Armin couldn't help himself; he laughed. Eren might have met his match in this one.

"Very well. I'll work my magic, and you work yours."

She nodded and bade him farewell, but before Armin left, he paused.

"Hey, (Y/N)?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

With that, he left her, ready to take Eren by the ear and throw him at her if he had to.

***

(Y/N)'s heart was racing as she opened the door, knowing good and well who would be behind it.

After her little talk with Armin— and the near heart attack he had given her in the process— she had called in to Zeke and told him she needed to go home to deal with an emergency. A replacement for her patrols had been sent, and she had come home to wash the grim from her skin, making herself as presentable as possible with the time she had. (Y/N) was worried, so worried, that the filth she had been wading in earlier would have left a lingering stench, or even that it had affected the taste of her; she had scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was raw, hoping to erase every last remnant of her day from her skin…but as it turned out, she needn't have bothered.

Two, three, four hours later, and Eren hadn't shown— it was only now, right at the six hour mark, that he had decided to come to her.

Needless to say, (Y/N) was… less than pleased, but when she opened the door to find Eren pale and drawn, with dark circles beneath his eyes, her heart softened ever-so-slightly. It seemed that Armin was right; he had been suffering.

"You look like shit," she told him quietly, opening her door widely to let him in.

"I assure you, I feel worse," Eren grumbled, but stepped in as she closed the door behind him.

For a long, awkward moment, they just looked at each other, silent and unsure. It was unsettling how unlike himself Eren seemed; he was almost soft when he looked at her, and (Y/N) didn't know how to feel about it. Eventually, though, like two opposite ends of a magnet, they were drawn together, and Eren brushed a piece of hair back from her face.

"Hi," he said, his voice low and rough. (Y/N) caught his hand in hers before it could fall from her hair, and she pressed it against her chest, keeping it trapped there, touching the skin above her beating heart.

"Hey."

They watched each other a moment more before the dam broke between them, and they both spoke at once.

"I'm sorry."

A shared grin, a shy laugh— and then (Y/N) said what they both were thinking.

"You need to feed first, and talk later," she told him, her hand still clasped in his. "You're not off the hook, but I doubt we can have any real conversation with you like this."

Eren nodded gratefully, tugging at her wrist— his usual biting spot— but (Y/N) shook her head, indicating her neck. The thickest, richest blood, she knew, would come from there; and if there was ever a time to be generous with the placement of Eren's bite, she figured that it would be now.

The worst of it was over quickly. There was a brief sting at the intrusion of razor-sharp fangs, and then the vaguely uncomfortable feeling of having something poking down into places that decidedly should not be poked at all, but then (Y/N) quickly eased into the rhythm of the act, focusing wholly on the way Eren's lips felt against her skin. In a few moments, she would become pleasantly light-headed, and then Eren would pull away and look at her like she'd hung the stars. Oh, how she'd missed that look! (Y/N) found herself longing for it even before she quite realized it.

And then, without warning, a vision came, and (Y/N) was swept into another world entirely.

The evening sky rolled endlessly out towards the horizon; it seemed to go on forever, sparkling with more stars than (Y/N) had ever seen before. The full moon was so bright that it cast the whole world in what seemed like silver sunlight, and (Y/N) wondered how anyone could sleep on a night such as this. It was far too beautiful an experience to miss.

Alongside her— alongside Eren, through whose eyes she saw the world— strode Armin and two older-looking cadets who she recognized from previous memories as Reiner and Berthold. Eren was feeling anxious over something, and Reiner and Berthold were… well, they were kind. Reiner especially seemed to be like an older brother, and Eren admired him.

"You'll do just fine tomorrow," said Reiner, placing a large, warm hand on Eren's shoulder. "I'm certain of it."

The memory ended, and (Y/N) came back to herself as Eren's tongue laved over the wounds his fangs had left in her neck, sealing them.

"See anything?" he asked, his breath warm against her skin, and (Y/N) nodded.

"You loved them, too," she said softly, remembering the fondness Eren had felt as though it had been her own. "You loved the Hunters that tried to take everything from you, and— and I think they loved you, too."

Eren pulled away from her, and it was then that she saw the tears shining in his eyes.

"Yes," he replied, his voice broken. "We were children. How could we not love each other as God intended? Hate was never in our nature; it was an inheritance that we couldn't escape."

He paused for a moment, then spoke again.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he told her, cupping her cheek in his hand. "I lost my temper. I forget— I forget that you're not them."

And (Y/N) understood. She understood that no matter how many centuries passed, there would be wounds that just wouldn't heal for Eren. He would lash out at things that wouldn't make sense to anyone who hadn't experienced the horrors of war as he had. Suddenly, she felt petty for having lashed out as she had, and guilt threatened to rise up and choke her.

"You're forgiven," she replied, leaning into his touch. "It takes two to tango— I shouldn't have baited you like I did. I knew how badly that would hurt you, and that's exactly why I said it."

At that, Eren cracked a grin.

"I expect nothing less from a Kirschtein. Your grandfather would have punched me square in the jaw— and as big as that bastard got when we were older, he probably would have put me on my ass."

(Y/N) couldn't help but laugh, and Eren joined her, their combined joy swelling until there was nothing else in the world but their happiness.

How they started kissing, neither one of them would be able to say afterwards, but in the grand scheme of things, it hardly mattered. Their love was too large to contain, too much to hold back— and it was love, (Y/N) realized, though she hadn't quite put words to it yet. She loved Eren Jaeger, a Creature, a monster, as much as her grandfather before her had and more. She loved him with a desperation that felt like being knocked over by an ocean wave and plunged into depths where her feet no longer touched the sand. She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone before.

And, as he placed her gently on her bed that was barely big enough for two, divesting himself of his shirt above her, (Y/N) thought that maybe she didn't mind it so much as long as he loved her in return.

"I missed you," said Eren, dropping kisses by her ear as he unhooked her bra. "I missed this."

"Me too," she gasped as his mouth wandered to her nipple, her hands fisting in his hair. "Oh, God, I missed you too."

The time for words was soon gone, however; Eren's sinful, sinful mouth traveled lower and lower until he was kissing at the insides of her thighs, parting them to access what lay between, and (Y/N) threw her head back as he spread her open with his hands and sucked brazenly at her clit.

How long he spent there, worshipping her sex, (Y/N) had no idea; all she knew was that she came once from his mouth on her and a second time from his fingers inside her, and when he finally, mercifully withdrew, she was broken down to the simplest parts of herself; there was nothing left but an affection so deep that it threatened to overtake her if she didn't let it out, and she did the only thing she knew to do to release the overwhelming pressure that was building in her chest as Eren pushed his big, veiny cock into her.

She told him what she should have said a long time ago.

"Oh, Eren," she gasped as his cockhead shoved deep inside her. "I love you."

As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Eren went unnaturally still. He looked at her with pupils blown wide inside emerald eyes, and his fangs slightly distended; in any other situation, (Y/N) might have laughed at how surprised he seemed, but it seemed as though she were frozen in time, unable to do anything but stare earnestly up at them, hoping he understood how much she cared for him.

"You… what?"

"I love you," she repeated, her body moving without her permission to roll her hips up into him, moving his cock even further inside her. "Please, Eren, I need—"

He cut her off with a forceful, bruising kiss, and his hips started making slow, deep thrusts inside her, her legs hiked up over his shoulders.

"Again," he said against her lips."Say it again."

"I love you."

Another thrust or two, a hand circling her wounded throat.

"Again."

"I love you, Eren."

"Again."

This time, it was only a whisper.

"I love you," she said, and Eren began fucking her in earnest.

"You are so fucking beautiful," he told her as he thrust hard and deep inside her. "You're every man's dream, a nirvana the damned such as myself were never meant to reach. (Y/N), you are everything, and I—"

He seemed to choke on the words, and (Y/N) kissed him as he tried to regain his composure.

"I don't deserve you," he said, shaking with the force of their passion. "I don't deserve your love."

It's not about deserving, she wanted to say, It never was, but then she was coming again, her climax contracting her walls around her lover, and it was all she could do to remain conscious as Eren fucked her relentlessly through it all, chasing his own high.

It was only later, after a shower and something to eat that they finally spoke again. They were back in bed, and Eren's arm was wrapped around her, as though he were afraid to let her go for even a moment; truthfully, (Y/N) thought he was asleep, but then his breath tickled her ear as he said,

"I love you, angel."

And that, (Y/N) thought, had been worth it all, in the end.

#aot x y/n #aot x reader #aot #aot fanfiction #eren x reader #vampire!eren jaeger #aot smut

[saltwatersweetner]

End Me

Eren x Reader

A Prequel of Sorts. Eren never fought for control preferring the security of your hold on him but you could never fully domesticate a wild animal it seemed.

Part 1 Part 3

CW: Manipulation, Toxic Relationship, Attempted Murder, Unhealthy coping mechanisms all in all mildly unsettling themes.

Eren knew how to be good—painfully so. He also knew how to be bad—concerningly so. He was a creature of habit. He did whatever he decided was best for him at the moment and maybe thats what lead you to your current stare down.

“Eren I said move.”

“Fuck what you said.”

Frowning you tried to think what honestly could have brought this mood upon him. It couldn’t have been because you were going out he always understood your random need to socialize. You also can’t remember purposefully setting him off, not in the mood and you weren’t completely cruel to ignore his random—even for him mood change—more in tune to your partners mood swings and emotions than you were to you own.

Carefully reaching out for him you raise an eyebrow when he moves away from your—for now—gentle touch “Are you really upset or just being a brat?”

“Stop talking to me.”

Huffing you choose to ignore his attitude and slip your coat over your shoulders just in time for a knock to be heard from the front door. With Eren on your heels you open the door for your friend.

“Y/N I called but you didn’t answer so I just came up.”

You get a flashback of Eren throwing a tantrum not even 30 minutes ago and launching your device from you 6th floor apartment “Yeah I dropped my phone off the balcony but lets go—Eren be good.”

His glare turns even more deadly when Reiner politely wraps an arm around your shoulders. Closing the door behind you Reiner laughs into the quiet hall “Be good? What is he your dog?”

“Something like that.”

Reiner was a friend an attractive one at that and Eren didn’t like it at all. He hated anyone that was even remotely close to you because you already didn’t like anyone but with Reiner it was different. You let him touch you and hold you.

Eren hated it, he hated it so much—and to make matters worse you didn’t care about his feelings—not one bit.

After a night of bar hopping and watching Bertholdt make a fool of himself in front of Annie, Reiner once again brought you home.

“It was nice seeing you, without your guard dog.” The face he made at the thought of Eren wasn’t a nice one.

“Aw sweetheart don’t be mean.” Reaching up you hold his warm cheek in your slightly chilled hand.

You knew jealousy when you saw it, could detect the slightest change of emotion when it was presented to you. He leans into your hold like a cat seeking out affection—much different than Eren’s wild way of seeking you out.

“Don’t be jealous my dear use your words.”

Reiners face was slowly moving closer to yours and you smirk in amusement. It would seem you had a knack for catching the attention for boys who were looking to be controlled.

“Y/N....”

Your door swings open before Reiner can kiss you and Eren is looking beyond livid. Reiner freezes his fight or flight telling him to run but you keep him steady with your palm.

“Were you waiting for me?”

Eren’s nod is slow and deliberate his eyes still glaring at the nonexistent space between you and the blond.

“Then that ends our time together, goodnight Reiner.” He shivers in what you think is glee from the acknowledgment of the time you spent with him.

“Goodnight.” He doesn’t acknowledge Eren any longer and hurries out to the elevator.

Turning back to the aforementioned boy you make a motion with your wrist “Move.”

When he eventually does get out of your way your hyper aware of the way he sticks to you almost like glue. Throwing your coat over the back of your couch you stretch and lead him to the kitchen.

“You hungry? All I’ve done is drink tonight I could really eat—“

He swings you into the wall by the neck. The alcohol in your system made it incredibly difficult to feel the pain you knew was blossoming up your back so all you could do was stare at the man before you.

You saw the endless sea of madness that unlike you he didn’t bother to cover up. Everyone found the look endearing on him like he never left that childishness behind but you knew the truth.

You could slowly feel yourself starting to suffocate. You didn’t bother panicking because as it had it Eren had all the power right now. If he or you moved the wrong way your neck was as good as snapped.

“Why did you let him touch you?”

Putting a calm hand on his wrist you try and fail to alleviate some of the pressure being forced down on your windpipe “Why. Does. It. Matter.”

Eren was breathing unevenly stuck between fighting his impulses and actually causing some damage “You’re mine you’re—you’re not supposed to—“

“Says. Who?” That makes him let go.

As it would have it you and Eren weren’t dating in any shape or form but he belonged to you. You brought him pleasure that he couldn’t find anywhere else. He was entirely devout to you and you only, all on his own fruition. From the moment he’d accidentally bumped into you and saw through the mask you wore. From the moment he stalked you from the moment he’d shown himself to you begging for salvation.

He wanted to play the game—wanted to be entertained in the morbid way regular people would get sick to their stomachs at—and you let him. You found him amusing enough to keep around but you refused to belong to anyone but yourself.

He was losing the game and fast. As his god you couldn’t be bothered with feeling bad for him.

“Now we can eat or you can sit here and starve whats it gonna be?”

Eren looked terribly unwell like he was about to fold in on himself “u-um eat please.”

You’d never seen him look so unsure before and it made you excited. How would he cry for you next? Would he try to fight more, yell and scream? Or would it be silent and broken?

Flicking your wrist you busy yourself in the kitchen “Good choice, go sit.”

He does as he’s told mumbling words to himself along the way. Was it cruel? Maybe. But you couldn’t be bothered considering how much of a thorn in your side he’d been all day.

You wanted to break him more and till he was nothing but crushed up stars slipping away in the wind. You almost felt bad for how much you were going to ruin him.

But he was your property after all to do with what you wanted. No one could stop you even if they tried. Especially because he let you and thats what made keeping him around so worth it.

You didn’t have the capability of feeling anything close to love no matter how fond of the boy you actually were. So you settled with ownership—they were damn near synonymous anyways.

So you proceeded as normal—well as normal as you are. You order the food you feed him and you move on to wash the dishes. He’d eventually get out of his feelings because he didn’t have the mental capacity to dwell on certain emotions for too long. It was all but routine now.

“Eren bring me whatever dishes you left lying around.”

“...ok.”

Filling the sink with a mixture of water soap and a drop of bleach you wait patiently for the boy to bring what you requested. Turning off the tap You almost get impatient when it seemed like he was taking forever.

“Eren—“ you’re grabbed by the back of the head and shoved face first into the sudsy water.

You try with all your strength to get your head out of the sink but Eren just doesn’t stop. He’d never...hurt you before? Never acted out in this manner it startled you maybe.

And you were slowly but surely drowning.

When he finally does let you up you drop to the floor taking in large gulps of air. Your eyes stung from the mix of bleach and soapy water and you were suddenly freezing.

“Dont,” you look up to eren to see he once again wore that livid expression.

“Dont you ever think about leaving me do you understand?” His breathing was already heavy but now it was slowly turning into hyperventilation. “I’ll kill you I’ll fucking kill you if you ever l-leave me.”

You watched him begin to sob, dropping on his knees he crowded closer to you looking every bit of the victim he made himself.

“Im sorry I’m good I’ll be good I swear!” He tries to touch you but you smack his hands away making him sob harder.

You knew Eren you knew him. His inclination of violence had never been towards you and yet?

“Hit me hit me hit me im sorry please im good I promise.”

Those were the only words that made sense to you in the moment. You were a violent creature by nature one who prioritized your own life before anyone else’s, you’ve never done anything you didnt doubt you’d be able to get out of and yet? Eren had surprised you and not in a good way.

Your eyes come back into focus and you see the pitiful look he wore as if he hadn’t just almost killed you “Hit me please?”

And so you do.

You punch him right in the face with all your strength causing him to fly back against the tiles and you don’t stop there. You let out all the frustration from your near death experience out onto his body completely aware of the blissed out smile he now sported.

Regardless your mind was going 1 million miles per hour as one thing became clear. Eren was slipping out of your control and fast. One day you feared he’d be the one in control and that wasn’t a game you wanted to play.

You’re in control.

You were IN control

You not him.

You.

You freeze. Fist inches from his face.

It was like your body was in forced reboot you couldn’t move your thoughts finally spiraled too far and too fast for you to reach.

You weren’t in control?

Starring at the needy expression on his face you came to the horrific realization that maybe you’d been playing in his hands all this time. He’d been able to get anything he ever wanted out of you—he knew it too.

Did you really—no you couldn’t be right?

“I’m good see?”

Wrong—you were in so fucking deep.

Slowing your breathing you lower your once trembling fist “Get. Out.”

“Huh?”

Climbing off his chest you wipe the remaining water off your face “Get the fuck out I dont wanna see you.”

Eren hadn’t expected this outcome considering how hurt he looked “B-but where am I supposed to go?”

It was a stupid question you both knew he had his own dorm to himself but he’d been so used to sleeping with you every night that he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

Rolling your eyes you til your head “I dont care.”

“I cant sleep without you.”

“Cry about it.”

Hauling his shocked form up and out of your home you slam the door shut and immediately turn all three locks ignoring his soft cries from the other side.

Pulling at your wet shirt you could feel the breakdown coming. How did he do it? How’d he make your carefully crafted control snap?

Going into your room you lock that door as well before snatching the throw blanket from the end of your bed and a pillow. Going into your walk-in closet you close the door behind you and navigate in the dark to the farthest corner and sit.

You sit and sit and sit and sit and sit...and then you scream.

You scream until your lungs are raw and your voice is gone and you’re not sure when exactly you started scratching at your face but the stinging thats left behind is brutal.

You needed to think.

You needed a plan.

You needed—fuck you didnt know.

But you did know Eren was about to become a much bigger problem.

#eren yaegar #eren yeager x reader #eren jeager x reader #aot x gn!reader #aot imagines #aot x reader #snk imagines #snk x reader #reiner x y/n #gn!reader

[shadow--writer]

Through That Mist I See the Shape of You and I Know That I'm in Love With You

h

after WEEKS of writers block and rewriting this bitch I HAVE FINISHED. TITLE (it slaps)

Maeve x Lucas. Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to tell you I love you. 6k

CW (im changing it lol): mentions of past trauma (Lucas), some bat hisses n hatred, flirting, these are dorks in love

@dela-png​

A headache was starting to build behind her eyes. 

Were all dates with Lucas going to be this...eventful? 

...unlucky? 

Incredibly unlucky?

She stared at the bat on the table, who was currently locked in a hissing battle with her partner. Tehi had fluffed herself to look bigger than she was, wings spread on the table. The high pitched hiss was directed at the one and only Lucas. 

Who was shooting her a wounded plea for help. 

Oh this was going swimmingly. At least she didn’t get bit by an eel this time. 

...unless he could summon them to land, which she almost doubted. But knowing him and the magic of this town? It was likely. 

She sighed, massaging her temples. 

“You royally pissed her off,” she said after a moment, cracking an eye open to look at him. She giggled, watching him rest his head on the table. He banged his forehead, making her snort. 

“Why! I didn’t do anything,” he moaned, looking over at her. She patted his head, Tehi letting out another hiss. 

Currently, Tehi was in front of their dinner, biting his hand every time he reached for something. His hands had suffered quite a bit in the past ten minutes. 

He stared longingly at the apple rings and the butternut squash he brought. “She’s even guarding dinner,” he grumbled. 

The situation was...delicate. 

Tehi, bless her heart, was on thin fucking ice. Lucas, bless his heart, was treading on eggshells. 

And her? She had no heart to bless but she was ready to give up and go on without any more squash (sadly enough). 

Having a territorial protective bat had its downsides. She grew up with Tehi, finding her in a tree injured and eating the fruit for harvest. Broke her ankle trying to get her down, her father lecturing her for hours after. 

But Tehi knew her. And she could read how she felt about Lucas just by body language alone. 

And Tehi was not happy. 

Of course, the sentiment was sweet, Tehi was being protective because of things in the past (that she was currently trying to viciously ignore), but...now she was just making sure Lucas starved. 

And Lucas…

Was sulking. She saw no end in sight unless Tehi stopped hissing. 

Second date was going worse than the first. 

“Most animals like me,” he said, reaching for Tehi, jerking his hand back as she lept for him. “Why not her? Is it a scent thing?”

“It’s uh...me thing.”

He looked up at her as she scooted closer to him, resting her hand on his knee. “Tehi doesn’t...like people getting close to me...romantically. Friends are fine, but you are um…”

“No longer a friend?”

She patted his knee with a smile. “No, I still treasure our friendship, we’re just different now.”

“So she just doesn’t…”

“Like you. Being with me. Like this.”

“How does she know?”

She felt herself flush. “She um...just knows! She’s been around me most of my life so she can read me pretty well.”

“Oh...like Jolie and me!” His brows furrowed. “So she doesn’t like...me being with you?”

“It’s a very horrific crime, I’m afraid. Mo mhuirnín dílis,” she said, kissing his forehead. He settled into her touch, Tehi letting out an indignant squawk. “I don’t think she’ll ever forgive you for this.”

He made a face. “Well she’ll have to get over it.”

“Mmhmm, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me for a while longer.”

He opened his eyes, smiling a little. “I like being stuck with you.”

She flushed. “Don’t be sappy in front of my bat. She hates you enough already.” 

He puffed his cheeks out in a pout, the face strikingly similar…

...to one she made. 

“I don’t want her to hate me though,” he whined, looking over at Tehi. She clutched her strawberry close, letting out a very angry hiss at his gaze. He turned away. 

“I’m afraid you have no choice. You’ll grow on her eventually.”

“Eventually,” he repeated with a grumble. “Eventually, is not a now.”

“Be patient, mo grá. She’ll come around. You have a way of getting to people.”

“I do?”

“You did with me. It was very shocking how fast you managed to wedge yourself in my life.”

“Yeah. Then you tried to get rid of me.”

“Strong words! It was more like...give you a nudge elsewhere.”

He raised an eyebrow, making her giggle. “Fine. Maybe I was getting rid of you. But I had very good reasoning for it.”

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked softly, making her blink in surprise. 

“No...it was just...you scared me a little,” she murmured with a small smile. “You still do.”

“Why?”

“You’re...different. From what I’m used to. You’re just...so...open.”

“Is...that a bad thing?” 

Curse those eyes, big blue and pleading. It was like he didn’t even notice how he affected her when he looked at her like this. 

She brushed his hair back. “You built a window instead of a wall. You wear your heart on your sleeve.”

Tehi watched them, perched on a plate. Lucas reached over and she bit his finger. He let out a curse, shaking his hand as he pulled away, sticking his tongue out at Tehi. 

She bit back her laughter. “I can help with those.”

“It’s fine,” he muttered, popping the finger into his mouth. 

“Is it bleeding?”

“A little.”

“Lucas.”

“Mm fine. I’ve gotten worse.” Her eyes were drawn to the scar around his neck, and the ones disappearing into the collar of his shirt. They felt familiar, like something she’d seen before. She reached out, brushing one of the scars. The ones that looked like the marking of an animal. 

Or the symbols on her walls. 

He jolted under her touch, staring at her with wide eyes. She pulled away quickly, not thinking. 

“I’m so s-sorry! It’s just…” her brows furrowed. “Those markings feel familiar. I’ve seen them before...not just when my clinic was broken into.” She met his gaze. “What are they from?” 

His eyes darted away as she asked, wringing his hands. “Made some...bad choices,” he said gruffly. “It’s nothing.”

She blinked, shifting away. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

He reached over for her hand and hesitated. She bridged the gap and laced their fingers. “You’re fine,” he murmured, sitting up and leaning against her. “Just stuff I don’t want to talk about.”

She hummed, resting her head on his shoulder. “I understand. I won’t ask if you don’t wanna talk.”

He squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”

“It’s the least I could do,” she said with a smile. “Besides, we have bigger fish to fry.” She looked back at her bat. “...and that’s getting dinner.”

He winced. “Does she have to bite me?”

“Apparently.”

Tehi chirped, preening. 

He glowered. “She has sharp teeth.”

“I offered to help.”

He slouched against her, knocking her off balance. She let out a small squeak, wrapping her arms around his neck before she fell out of her chair.

He laughed, resting his head against her shoulder. 

“Lucas I’m gonna fall!”

“Mmhmm.”

“And take you with me.”

“That’s nice.”

“Get offa me!” She was giggling, bumping her head against his. “You’re too heavy!”

“Mm but if I can’t eat tonight then I guess I’ll just sleep.”

“I can move her, you know.”

“Yes but that’s not gonna stop her from biting me.”

“…or trying to eat your hair.”

He cracked an eye open, wincing. “That too.”

She giggled, kissing the top of his head. “Good news is, she tries to eat everyone’s hair.”

“Is that just...a Tehi thing?”

“Yeah. I think she thinks it’s going to taste any better the more she tries it. Though, watching her chase Malory around was pretty funny.”

“What did he do specifically? You mentioned lying, calling the guards and erm…”

“Murder? Trust me, I have thought about it.”

“I’m aware.”

She flicked the tip of his nose, making him wrinkle it back. “He accused me of stealing. Tehi, well, she’s a bat. No sense of money and trade, only get food to live. I paid for what she took, but he...wasn’t happy about her taking it in the first place. He has the best fruit in the market so her taking things...became a habit.”

He winced. “So he calls the guards on you?”

“Every time he sees me near his booth. Sucks the best fruit in the market has to be sold by an asshole.”

“I could always go grocery shopping for you. If you’d like me to.”

“You...would? For me?”

He nodded, resting his chin on her shoulder. “If he’s the one making you walk all the way to Center City to get fruit, then I’d be happy to go for you.”

She turned and hugged him, burying her face in his neck. “Oh thank the stars. I was close to trying to grow my own fruit. It would have been a disaster. I can barely take care of my medical herbs.”

He let out a small squeak, arms slowly wrapping around her. She made eye contact with Tehi, and if looks could kill. 

“You’re a disaster,” he murmured, making her giggle. “Amani grows plants if you ever want to ask her about them. I dunno if she grows any...fruit, but I know she has aloe. I get some of my spices from her.”

“She has plants? That’s amazing!” She brightened at the thought, letting him go. He smelled deliciously sweet, like nutmeg and cinnamon. “...you think she’d teach me how to keep a plant alive?”

He grimaced. “She could barely teach me. I killed a succulent and she quit.”

“I don’t have the time to take care of plants. Or I just don’t balance my time wisely.”

“I um...don’t manage my time well either.”

“...yeah, you workaholic.”

He blushed. “I-I’m not that bad.”

She quirked an eyebrow. “Mmhmm. Working yourself to the point of passing out is not that bad.”

“That was one time.”

“I had to carry you home!”

“You had help!”

“Same thing!”

He snorted, making her giggle. Tehi blinked at them, seeming unimpressed. 

And now they were being judged by a bat. 

He moved over to grab a strawberry, Tehi chirping at the sight.

“I think we found our way to get her to like you,” she said, leaning against him. 

“Food?”

“Always a good choice.”

He prodded her side, making her swat at his hands with a squawk. “Is that how I won you over?” he teased. 

She wrestled his hand away from her side, struggling against him trying to poke at her again. “What if it was?” she said, sticking her tongue out at him. “I might just marry your pumpkin squash if I could get to it.”

Tehi chirped as if she liked that idea better.

“Hey! Don’t take her side!” Lucas said, turning to the bat on a plate. “She’s mean, I’m the nice one.”

“Aww, are you mad that she likes me better?” she teased, kissing his cheek. “What? Can’t win the affection of one little bat?”

“She’s not little and you know it.”

She giggled, tapping the tip of his nose. “If it makes you feel any better, my family would love you.”

“They…would?”

“Mmhmm. Especially my father and grandma. Cooking fanatics. I grew up trying new dishes. But…sadly I got my cooking ability from my mom.”

He laughed, a blush warming his cheeks. “I could teach you if you’d like.”

“You’d quit.”

“I would not!”

“Oh please! Most of my dishes either explode or are inedible. You’d quit within two minutes.”

“If we don’t have another great Jolie flour incident I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“…Lucas, I am the great Jolie flour incident.”

“You can’t be that bad.”

“Try me. I’ve burnt eggs that weren’t cracked.”

“…how did you even do that?”

“Long story.”

“Trouble,” he said, ruffling her hair.

She grinned. “You like it.”

Tehi chirped again, staring at the strawberry he had. He tentatively reached over to give it to her, Tehi snatching it from his fingers and holding it close in her claws. He jumped back, the chair toppling over at the force.

He fell backwards with the chair, making her crack up. 

“Did I not warn you she’s protective of her meals?” she asked, looking down at him. 

“Apparently.” He winced, rubbing the back of his head. “Not.”

She giggled. “Whoops.”

“Does she do that to people she hates?”

She grabbed a strawberry, handing it to Tehi, watching as the same thing happened. A wicked little smile played across her face as she mimicked what he had done, down to the facial expressions and knocking her chair back.

Her head hit the floor hard, but she was giggling.

He shot her an unimpressed look, fighting his smile. “Gee. Thanks. I feel way better now.”

She looked over at him with a smile, her hair spilling out across the floor. “That was the funniest reaction I’ve seen to her.”

“…thanks.”

She snorted, squishing his face. “Don’t pout.”

“You’re so mean though,” he said, voice muffled due to her squishing his cheeks. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over this slight to my pride.”

She kissed him lightly. “Mmm I’m sure you will.”

He shifted closer to her, wrinkling his nose. “Don’t patronize me.”

She giggled, running her hands through his hair and rubbing her nose against his. “I would never.”

He snorted, kissing her softly. “She really likes strawberries, huh?” he whispered after a moment. 

She bit her lip, smiling. “She’s gotten me to like them just as much. Back home we had strawberry plants growing everywhere! Blueberries and blackberries as well. My Mhamó would bake so many pies during the first pick of the harvest. Our fingers would be stained red,” she said with a giggle. “Once Aislin ate so much her mouth was stained for a week. Someone thought she ate a person! Devoured them right off the bone!”

He snorted. “Are they your favourites?”

“Well…” she pursed her lips, thinking. “Have you ever had the first strawberry of the year? Ripe and sweet? I could eat them for hours and not tire...so...I guess they are. Tehi loved them from the get-go and I always carry some around.”

“Is that why you always taste like strawberries?”

She blushed, blinking. The question was innocent, she bit her lip and giggled again. He brushed her hair back, thumb running against her skin. “I um...guess so! But I don’t hear you complaining,” she said, nuzzling his cheek. 

He shifted his face to capture her lips, burying his hands in her hair. “I think I like them better this way,” he said with a soft smile, nose brushing against hers as he kissed her again. 

“We should get back up,” she murmured, being cut off by him kissing her again. “Lucas.”

“But if we don’t get up Tehi won’t keep hissing at me.”

“But squash.” She pouted, thinking about it. “I’m serious about marrying it.”

“How about you marry me instead, then you’d get all the squash you’d want.”

She snorted, kissing the tip of his nose. “Want me to have an affair with your cooking? It’s very tempting, I must say.”

He laughed, resting his forehead against hers. “Well? What do you say?”

She giggled, tugging at his hair. “Let me think about it.”

“Don’t take too long.”

“Oh yes because I’m the one asking you. What? Many people flocking to your door? Struggle tying you down?” she joked, kissing his cheek. “I’ll have to have more before making my decision.”

“If you can get around Tehi, that is.”

“I can get around her. She loves me. You on the other hand...”

He sulked. “Don’t remind me.”

She giggled, rising to her feet and picking up her chair. “Need help?”

“View is nice from here.”

She raised an eyebrow, squatting down next to him. “I’ll sic Tehi on you.”

“...you wouldn’t.”

“It’ll get her away from the squash.”

Damn, the puppy dog eyes. “You wouldn’t.”

“Don’t give me that look.”

He kept at it, she groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Fine! I wouldn’t. But you should get up at least.”

He sighed. “If I keep feeding her will she like me?”

“It’s how you got me to marry you.”

He snorted, getting off the chair and putting it back up. “Well I guess it’s not all bad then, huh?”

“Make a fruit pie and she might love you forever.”

“...she can eat those?”

“She sure damn tries. My dad tried making one and she had eaten most of it by the time we finished dinner. He was so mad he tried to ban her from the house.”

He laughed as she sat down, reaching over Tehi (and giving her a pat) to pile more squash onto her plate. She let out a happy hum, biting into it. “Mmm alright maybe I will marry you,” she said, cracking an eye open to look at him.

He plucked a cinnamon apple ring, dramatically holding it out for her. He raised his voice an octave. “Maeve O’Connor, will you do me the honour of marrying me?”

She snorted, laughing. Her cheeks warmed, she knew it was fake. He was joking. But it was nice. He was looking at her with a soft affection, like he actually meant it.

But he couldn’t have. He didn’t even love her.

“And then have an affair with your cooking?” she joked, pushing down her feelings. He was just flirting. 

He slipped the dessert on her finger, kissing her knuckles with a wink. “If it gets you to say yes.”

She giggled, staring at the treat on her hand. She bit into it, smiling at the familiar taste. 

He gasped in offense. “Maeve, that's your engagement ring!”

“It’s delicious.”

“I worked hard to earn the money to get that! I spent weeks working up the courage to ask and you eat it?!”

“But it’s good!”

He kissed her once, then twice. “You are going to make me work every damn day of my life, eating my hard earned money like that.” 

She smiled, tilting her head up to kiss his chin. “Mmmhmm. But you asked me.”

He only shook his head, stealing food from her plate. 

“Hey!” she yelped, reaching for the fork. He held it just out of her reach, teasing her. 

“Aww can’t reach?” he said, kissing the tip of her nose. 

“Curse these short limbs,” she replied, crawling into his lap. He blinked as she wrestled his hand, tugging the fork back down to her. She bit the squash off the end, grinning smugly. 

He flicked the tip of her nose. “That was mine.”

“No you stole it from me. I’m not gonna marry a thief.”

“But Tehi won’t let me get any more!”

“I can get it for you!” 

“No! You’re just gonna eat it all!”

She pursed her lips. “That’s true.”

“And you think I’m a thief.”

“You stole it from my plate!”

“You don’t have any evidence.”

“I watched you! And don’t repeat my shitty logic back to me!”

He laughed, ruffling her hair. “Can I at least have a bite of your engagement ring?”

She gasped, clutching her hand close to her chest. “Never. It is my engagement ring. I can eat it if I wish!”

“But I gave it to you!”

She made a face at him. “But it’s mine now!”

He made a move for her hand, she pressed her hand against his cheek, holding her other hand above her head. “No!”

“But Maeve!”

“No!” She was giggling so hard her ribs hurt. 

There was a flutter, and the makeshift ring was snatched off her finger. 

Tehi chirped, perched on a nearby bookshelf with the apple ring. 

She and Lucas stared for a moment before cracking up. “Looks like neither of us got it,” he said.

“And it looks like someone objects to this marriage.”

He tilted her chin, smiling softly. “She’ll have to try harder than that to stop it.”

She blushed at the sincerity of his words as he kissed her. For a moment she thought he was serious about it. He’s really gotta stop that, messing with her heart and head like that. 

“So...a bat huh?” he started, looking back at Tehi. “Like animals?”

She smiled, trying to fight her blush away. “Yeah. Tehi was an unexpected twist during a hide and seek game, but I grew up loving animals. My older sister has two dogs now.”

“Oh?” “Yeah! They’re very sweet girls, energetic as well. I dunno how she deals with him all the time. She’s written to me many times about how much they get into the baby food back home. She and her fiancée have four kids, one is a wee baby. Cutest little thing.”

“Do you like dogs?”

“Depending on the dog, but yes.”

“Depending on the dog?”

“I’m uh…” she flushed. “Scaredofbigdogs.”

His brows furrowed as he mouthed her word jumble back. “Scared? Why? They’re babies! Big sweethearts!”

She scratched the back of her head. “Well um...I got attacked by wolves when I was a teen. Kinda puts a damper on the whole...big dog thing.”

“...well. That’s a good reason.”

“Oh wow thank you for your approval, oh mighty big dog master.”

“Hey, they get a bad rep. Big dogs are amazing. They just get labeled as dangerous because they’re big.”

“Oh, so like you?”

He let out a choked noise, blushing furiously. “Well I-I mean...y-yeah?”

She smiled, brushing his hair back. “Hmm...I guess you’re okay.”

“Thanks. My fiancée is so loving.”

“Only for you.”

He rolled his eyes with a smile, chasing her for a kiss. She giggled, cupping his face in her hands. 

“I’d like you even if you were a big dog,” she murmured, kissing the tip of his nose. 

His cheeks reddened as he chuckled. “I’d like you even if you were a small dog.”

“Hey!”

“Thumbelina, you couldn’t be big in any form.”

She sulked. “You don’t have to say it though.”

He smiled, kissing her fingertips. “It’s true.”

“Hmph.”

He squished her face, rubbing his nose against hers. “Don’t pout.”

“I’ll pout if I wanna,” she sniffed, making him smile. “I’m small but I pack a punch.”

He winced. “I’m aware. I think you broke my nose.”

She giggled, biting his fingertip. He yelped softly, pulling away. She grinned at his glare, him holding his hand close. “Don’t be a baby. It was a love tap.”

He muttered to himself, looking at his hand. She left a small indent. “I felt no love in that tap.”

“You didn’t look hard enough.”

He snorted, resting his hands on her thighs. “Yeah let me rethink about you kicking me in the nose lovingly. That’s for sure what I felt.”

“In my defense, you insulted my honour twice. If you won’t defend me, who will?”

He tapped his fingers, making her squirm. “I learned my lesson. Next time I’ll win.”

“Mmm next time huh?” She giggled, throwing her hair off her shoulder. “Want a rematch?”

“Absolutely. This time I know your secrets.”

“Someone’s a sore loser,” she teased, flicking the tip of his nose. “And you only know some of my secrets. I am a mysterious woman, you may not know all of my secrets! I’ll kick your ass every time.”

He kissed her softly, holding her hands and lacing their fingers. “We’ll see.”

“Oh I know it.” He rolled his eyes, making her smile. She looked at their clasped hands, hints of cinnamon sugar still dotting her ring finger. He raised her hand, kissing the sugar away. 

“Hey, that's hints of my long lost engagement ring!” 

He smiled, kissing her inner wrist. “You were right about it being delicious.”

She rolled her eyes, fighting back her smile as she slowly climbed to her feet. “I know.” She looked at the food on the table, long forgotten. “I’ll...put things away. Take some home?”

He kissed her palm, letting her hand go. “You can keep the squash. I think it’ll get eaten.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “I have enough food at home, and you need it more than I do.”

“I don’t need it.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“...yesterday.”

He raised an eyebrow, she blushed. 

“...morning…”

“Exactly. And I get lectured.”

“Well, you had time to eat, I didn’t.”

He rolled his eyes. “Potato patato. Take it, and please eat. Who will kick my ass if you’re too tired?”

“Amani.”

“...touché.”

She giggled, picking up the plates. “If you want to keep trying to win Tehi’s affection, I’ll leave the fruit bowl out. I’ll pack some of the apple rings for you.”

“Okay.”

She hummed, wrapping the squash and apple rings up in a cloth, looking over her shoulder to see Lucas making kissy noises at Tehi, holding a strawberry out for her. She hissed when he moved close, stopping when she saw the gift. 

Maeve giggled, placing the plates in the sink. 

“...is this yours?” he asked after a moment. 

She looked up, moving closer to where he was pointing. It was a sketch, one of many she had scattered about. Her brows softened as she looked at it. “Yeah. It’s of my home.”

“It’s beautiful, I didn’t know you drew.”

“I usually paint, but sketching is nice. My aunt taught me how, since drawing is a good skill to have with magic.”

His eyebrows shot up to his hairline, watching her with soft eyes. “Magic?”

“Yes! Like sigils! Those can be used in different ways, drawing helps guide it. I have a sigil on my neck at the base of my skull…” she lifted her hair up, showing the three swirls. Mind-body-soul, as her sister said. It was her first, a stick and poke they did on a whim. “It helps amplify the magic I want to use, it can’t amplify raw magic, that comes from you but…” she blushed. “Sorry, I’m rambling.”

He blinked, smiling. “No no! It’s interesting, tattoos are a way to transfer magic?”

“They’re a way...to channel it. To draw from you and your surroundings. Tattoos are more permanent versions of sigils, but they are some of the most powerful.”

“I think I have one of those.”

She lit up, bouncing on her toes. “Really?” He nodded, cheeks reddening. “Where is it? Can I see? What does it do? What are the side effects?” 

The look he gave her was startled, she blushed, rocking back onto her heels. “I um...sorry. I just...love this type of magic.” She laughed nervously, rubbing the back of her neck. “Most people don’t do tattoos with it, since they are permanent. I could...ask slowly?”

“O-Okay!”

“Where...is it?”

“On my back. Between my shoulder blades.”

She furrowed her brows, wrapping her arms around him, prodding at his spine between his shoulders. “Here?”

He nodded, staring at her wide eyed and blushing. “Y-Yep!” he squeaked out, making her giggle. 

“What does it do? Magic wise, I mean.”

His brows creased, overshadowing his eyes. “I...don’t know exactly. I think it makes me...stronger? When I want to be. It helps with...healing and I have a higher pain tolerance.”

“So a strength sigil? It would...feed on your strength you have and help aid you when you tap into it. The pain tolerance and healing could be a meaning behind some of the symbols, but I’d have to study those.”

He smiled, laughing. “If you wanted me to take my shirt off you could’ve asked.”

She blinked, going over the implications before blushing. “I um! I didn’t mean it that way! S-Sorry it just-”

He kissed the tip of her nose. “You're fine, I’m teasing.”

She grumbled, wrapping her arms around him as she stood on her tiptoes. “I wouldn’t mind it either.”

He blushed, making her bite her lip as she smiled. 

“I have been studying sigils for a while now. I just made another breakthrough with some! Currently looking into light sigils due to how easy they are…”

“May I see?”

Her lips parted in surprise, eyes widening. “Y-You’d want to see it?”

“Of course I do! It’s something you get excited about, even if I might not understand it...why wouldn’t I?”

“Not um...everyone likes to listen to me ramble.” She giggled, nervous. “It’s fine! I tend to be long winded.”

He kissed her softly. “I think it’s cute, I like seeing you talk about it. I’d be happy to listen.”

She kissed him back, harder. She knocked him off balance as she pushed herself off the ground. His hands hovered over her waist for a moment before he bundled her close. 

“I’ll show you,” she murmured, letting go of him. He set her down, letting her take his hand and guide him to her room. “My room is a mess because of it, I must warn you.”

He laughed. “I’ve seen a messy room before.”

“Yeah. Yours,” she teased, winking as she nudged her door open. Tehi followed them, chirping as she fluttered up to a small bookshelf cluttered with small trinkets. Tehi snuggled close to the dog Lucas had given her, so many weeks ago. He stared at the bat and the wooden dog, his smile growing giddy. 

“You still have it!”

She looked over, smiling. “Of course I do, why wouldn’t I?”

He wouldn’t meet her eyes with a bashful smile. “I didn’t think you’d keep it.”

She squeezed his hand. “It was a gift.”

He looked at her with a soft smile, letting her guide him to sit on the floor. She gathered the pages on the floor, lips twisting as she looked at the symbols. “Do you want to draw your own?” she asked, half bent over, looking over her shoulder.

“Draw my own?”

“I can show you, if you’d like.”

“Alright.”

She smiled, face warming. Her freckles on her arms started to glow brighter as she scooped up blank paper. He held out a hand for her, helping her sit, nestled in the crook of his side. 

“I’d like to see your tattoo eventually,” she said, laying out the papers. “If you’d let me.”

He kissed her cheek. “Sure, I’d be happy to have a magic expert analyze it.”

“I’m no expert. You’d be better off seeing the magician in Center City.”

“I’d rather have you.”

“I’m touched.” She reached over his lap for her pens, chewing on her lower lip as she looked at the blank sheets of paper. 

“What’s first, oh mighty powerful witch?”

She giggled, handing him a pen and scooting a paper over. “Drawing the sigil. Here’s the light one I’ve been using.” She showed him the page, a line curving down and another tucked in it. Three lines connected the swirling ones. “These symbolize balance. Balance with light, no light can exist without shadow and shadow cannot exist without light.”

He traced the three lines connected the swirled. “And these symbolize the bond between the balance?”

She grinned, clapping her hands. “Yes! Exactly!” She leaned into him, holding her pen. “Sigils are all about the idea and magic you’re trying to put out there. What you want to happen, putting that want into the drawing and the magic in the air, activating it with the same.”

He watched her draw the sigil, copying her movements. “And how do you activate it?”

“Some are powerful enough to use a look, or a connection. I usually use my hands. Your hands are powerful.” He finished drawing the sigil, letting her take his hand and hold his palm open. She traced the lines, like she had some time ago. “Remember your palm reading?”

“Yeah.”

“Lines hold meaning. Heart, sun, fate, head, life. Magic flows through your hands. Hands are the start and the finish of magic, the connection between you and the earth. Am I making sense?”

“Kind of.”

“Think of it...like a connection. Magic from your hands seeps into the thing you’re trying to activate, a sigil in this example. Your hands are...an anchor.”

“Oh…” he whispered, looking at his hands. Peering at them with critical eyes. “That makes sense.”

“And now that you’ve drawn the sigil with the intent for light, you anchor and channel that magic into your want for light.”

“How?”

“I can show you.” She got to her feet, blowing out the candles. Tehi chirped, bouncing on the shelf as she watched them. 

She reached out blindly, letting him take hold of her hand again and lead her back. Sitting back down, she placed her hands on her sigil. 

“Palm against the drawing,” she murmured, trying not to break the fragile air of intimacy hanging around them. “Think of light and the sigil will answer. Think…a fire. A candle. The sun on your face.”

“You?”

She stiffened, blushing. “I-I guess s-so,” she squeaked, making him chuckle. She watched him place his hand on the sloppily drawn sigil. 

She chewed on her lip, trying to hide her giddy smile. His eyes fluttered shut, leaning against her. She leaned back, breathing in and letting it out with the idea of light. 

Her sigil folded, and started to glow. She smiled, satisfied, before turning to look at him. His face was set in concentration, the room was quiet, their breathing soft. 

Slowly, the sigil folded, glowing brightly. She cheered, the sound startling him into opening his eyes. He paused when he saw the ball of light at his palms. 

“I did that?” he asked, eyes growing wide.

She grinned, tackling him in a hug and kissing him fiercely. He laughed against her mouth, cradling her head in his hands. “You did!” she said, glowing brightly. 

“What else can you do?” he asked, staring at the two lights. When he looked back at her his excitement was infectious, making her bounce. 

“Ice, earth and I once made a gust of spring air appear in the middle of winter! Plants didn’t work out well, but we can work on it! Imagine what we could do!”

“We?”

She blushed at her mistake. “I-If you want to. T-That is.”

“You’d let me help?”

She nodded, biting her lip. She wasn’t meeting his eyes, in her excitement she thought he’d...like to. 

But he wouldn’t. Why would he? 

He grinned, tilting her head back to look at him. Her thoughts evaporated. “I’d be honoured to help. If you’d have me. That is.”

“Hey I offered don’t get insecure on me now.”

He laughed, kissing her softly, sitting back up with her in his lap. She giggled against his mouth, burying her hands in his hair. 

“Okay,” he murmured. 

“Okay!”

They stared at one another for a moment before giggling again. 

“I did magic,” he murmured, staring at the light floating by her shoulder. “I made that, right?”

“Your magic. I didn’t do anything.”

His grin was quick to creep across his face, as he reached out to hold the light. She cupped hers in her hand, blowing it into his face softly. He sneezed as it exploded in a bunch of tiny lights, floating around his hair like a halo. 

Tehi chirped again, chasing a few of the lights. 

Smiling, she brushed his hair back and scattered the glitter that sat there. 

He blew his into her face, making her giggle as it exploded across her cheeks. “Oh look. More glowing lights to add to your already glowing face,” he teased, brushing her cheeks. 

She tilted her head to kiss the pad of his thumb, smiling. 

“So what’d ya say? Wanna explore magic with me?”

He tilted her face up, kissing her with such affection it made her heart skip a beat. 

There was a softness to his gaze when he pulled away, his brows set in content and his lips upturned in a gentle smile. A tender look settled into his eyes as he kissed the top of her head. 

“I’d love to.”

#the arcana #the arcana game #maeve #lucas #maeve x lucas #maevas #my writing #DONT TALK TO ME IM YEARNING #these two are the kinds of people to joke about gettin married before even saying I love you #love and hate that for them #bc I gotta WRITE THIS BS #and then MAEVE #AUGH #calm before the storm lmao #fluff #soft nerds #in love #OKAY IM POSTING THIS BEFORE I OVER THINK THINGS AGAIN

[bitter-sweet-farmgirl]

Plight of the Cadhads

Thranduil interrogates Thorin and Thranduil’s wife comes to see what’s going on.

MASTERLIST

OC Used:  Enyalie

Word Count:  1,415

Translations are at the bottom (Cadhad is ‘Dwarf’ is Síndarin).

~~~~

The moment those Dwarves were brought through the gates of our Kingdom, I knew that there would be trouble.  And no, I don't mean that in the same sense as my husband would.  He was the one I worried about causing trouble...

Ever since those Dwarves had 'stolen' the White Gems of Lasgalen, He'd had a massive grudge against their entire Race.  Thranduil--my sometimes foolish husband--was the champion grudge holder in all of Mirkwood.

As soon as I heard that Thranduil had brought the leader of the group of Dwarves before him; someone called Thorin who claimed that he was the rightful King of Erebor; that Lonely Mountain, I hurried to the throne room.  If I knew my husband, he would most likely do some sort of rash thing and embarrass himself yet again...

The soft white silk of my gown trailed behind me as I strode through the cavernous halls of Mirkwood's Palace.  It was so hauntingly beautiful, even if it did sometimes seem like a forbidding place due to the dark creatures and tentacles of Sauron growing ever closer to our once green forest.

At one time our forest had been beautiful and green, the trees growing straight and healthy like they should.  But now we had been plunged into shadow, hence the name of Mirkwood.

As I drew ever nearer, I began to hear snippets of the two males talking.  I couldn't help the smile that teased across my lips as I heard Thranduil's rich tones contrasted against the Dwarf's deep, gravelly voice.  

"...I offer you my help."  I could hear Thranduil say, and my ears, long used to Thranduil's different tones, detected the hidden meaning behind his words.  This was a onetime offer, something that he would only extend in exchange for something of great value.

The Dwarf answered, sounding quite confident.  "I am listening."  

At that moment, I stepped through the great double doors of Thranduil's--our--throne room and swept quickly to my husband's side.  

He was standing a few feet away from a short, stocky Dwarf that wore animals furs over his leather vest, which contrasted with Thranduil's silver robes of the finest quality fabric in Arda; and measured against the Dwarf's lack of height, Thranduil appeared even taller than his 6'5" frame.  

As he caught sight of me, Thranduil let out an annoyed sigh, even as a smile tugged at his lips.  "Enyalie, man ech cared sí?  Ain ist hen Cadhad, Melleth nin."  He murmured, extending a hand to me.  

Smiling brightly at him, I took the offered hand, allowing him to draw me closer to his side.  "Ain cened an hannas osmain gwain gadors, hervenn nín."  I said softly, making him shake his head.  

"Is ed alech uir?  Hí, go' a awarth im di hen Cadhad.  Hen is alpedan cîn lhewegs, bain er."  He said, making me frown.  

Before I could speak, he motioned for me to leave, the rings on his hand sparkling brightly in the rays of sunlight that streamed down from the ceiling, before turning back to the Dwarf.  "I will let you go, if you but return what is mine."  He said loftily to the Dwarf, watching him with piercing blue eyes.  

The Dwarf cocked his head, his long black hair that was sprinkled with grey falling to the side as he raised an eyebrow.  "A favour for a favour."

Thranduil nodded, drawing closer to the Dwarf.  "You have my word.  One King to another."  He said, and I resisted the urge to ask what he was promising in return for the gems.  Eru knew just what lengths Thranduil would go to retrieve them.

But then the Dwarf spoke again, in a harsh, condemning tone.  "I would not trust, Thranduil, the great King, to only his word.  Till the end of all days be upon us!"  He cried loudly, blue eyes flashing.

Thranduil drew away, looking visibly shocked at the Dwarf's words.  But the Dwarf was not done speaking.  "You lack all honour!  I have seen how you treat your friends!  We came to you once, starving, homeless; seeking your help.  But you turned your back!  You, turned away from the suffering of my people and the inferno that destroyed us!"  He screamed, and instantly, I felt his pain.  

The Dwarf had known much hardship, much pain.  He had gone to the only place he could to ask for help, and it was denied to him.  We had turned him away to fend for himself in a cruel world.  

Staring Thranduil straight in the eye, the Dwarf growled out a sentence in a foreign language that I did not recognize.  

"Imrid amrâd ursul!"

Thranduil obviously recognized it, I surmised as he reacted violently to the growled words.  He flew straight towards the Dwarf, coming nose-to-nose with him as the magic that hid his horrific burns slowly faded away, revealing the gruesome sight to the Dwarf's eyes.

"Do not speak to me of dragon fire!  I know its wrath and ruin.  I have faced the great serpents of the North."  He hissed, breathing heavily.

I rushed to his side, pushing him away from the Dwarf.  “Thranduil, glaen torn, melleth nin."  But Thranduil casually brushed me aside, looking down at the Dwarf with a lordly expression.  

"I warned your grandfather of what his greed would summon, but he would not listen."  He said, turning slowly away from the Dwarf and striding towards me, his silver cape flowing behind him.  "You are just like him."  

He motioned for a guard to grab hold of the Dwarf as he neared my side, placing a gentle hand on my arm and drawing me away towards the throne.  "Toldan o han saw, Enyalie, Bereth Nín.  E baw baur minan mi cîn sad."  Thranduil murmured quietly, but I could not move.  I could only watch as the Dwarf struggled violently against the guards holding him in place, waiting for their King's next orders.  

Another gentle tug from Thranduil had me turning away to walk beside him.  Ever the gentleman, Thranduil led me up the steps of his throne, careful not to let his trailing cape get in my way.  

Halfway up, he stopped, pausing long enough to raise his head high and look down at the Dwarf.  "Stay here if you will, and rot.  A hundred years is a mere blink in the life of an Elf.  I'm patient.  I can wait."  He said loudly, a smirk tugging at his lips as he spoke.

With that, the Dwarf was drug away, still struggling, back to the cells where Tauriel, the captain of the guard and Legolas--our son--would guard him tonight.  

Once we were alone, Thranduil turned towards me, looking back over his shoulder.  "Well, my beloved, now that that matter is taken care of, I am free to do whatever you wish this afternoon."  He said, blue eyes twinkling lovingly down at me.

I smiled halfheartedly up at him.  The plight of the Dwarf and his companions would not leave my mind.  I only wished I could have done something to help him, but Thranduil was a stubborn ellon.  

In most cases, I probably could have asked and he would have granted me anything in the world, but when it came down to Dwarves, he refused to let me do anything to help them; his grudge ran too deep, blinding him.  

"Enyalie?"  Thranduil's voice pierced my thoughts, bringing me back to the present.  He was looking at me, his smile a bit concerned now.

I reached a hand out to brush his long silver hair back over his shoulder, the action being one Thranduil only allowed me to do, the silly elf.  He detested anyone but me touching his hair in any way.  He said it was because it knotted easily, but I thought he was just being picky.

"We should get ready for the Feast of Starlight.  It will take me several hours to get ready, and I know you'll take the same amount of time, if not longer, Thranduil."  I said, my voice becoming teasing.

Thranduil nodded, chuckling slightly at my poking fun at him.  "Of course, My love.  You always seem to know best."  He murmured fondly.  

With that, I pulled away from him and made my way carefully down the long, winding staircase of his throne.  Thranduil hurried after me, making me smile.  If I hadn't said anything, he would have left it to the last minute and become stressed since he didn't allow himself enough time to get ready.  

That was why I was his Queen in the first place...  To keep him out of trouble.  Although, I did marry him for a bit more than that.  He was quite charming when he wanted to be.

Enyalie, what are you doing here?  I am interrogating(knowledge) this Dwarf, My love--Enyalie, man ech cared sí?  Ain ist hen Cadhad, Melleth nin.

I was(am) curious (looking for understanding) about our new prisoners, my husband--Ain cened an hannas osmain gwain gadors, hervenn nín.

Aren't you always?  Now, go and leave (abandon) me with this Dwarf.  This is not talk for your ears, fair one--Is ed alech uir?  Hí, go' a awarth im di hen Cadhad.  Hen is alpedan cîn lhewegs, bain er.

Calm down-- Glaen torn

Come away from that filth, Enyalie, My queen.  He does not deserve (have) to be in your presence (place)--Toldan o han saw, Enyalie, Bereth Nín.  E baw baur minan mi cîn sad

#Thranduil #thorin #the hobbit #elves #mirkwood #thranduil x oc #dragon fire #khuzdul #sindarin #thranduil interrogates thorin and his wife comes to investigate #plight of the cadhads #fanfic #fanfiction

[artsybanchou]

I’m a big fan of 80s/90s anime and Ranma 1/2 played a big role in my childhood. The premise has sooooo much food for thought when it comes to looking at gender and specifically the performance of gender. I’m about to get INTO it, so, here’s your warning-- read more is a ramble. (LONG ramble)

Oh ho ho ho! WELCOME TO MY HELL!

Aight, so let me set the stage for you-->

Two people, who should not be parents, have a kid. The father, Genma, a fairly successful martial artist, takes their just-born son on a training journey without consulting the mother. By training journey, I mean that they travel all over the world with little to no money, either stealing from or scamming people in order to make sure they can eat, under the guise of training the son, Ranma, to become the greatest martial artist of the “Anything Goes” school of martial arts. One of the most frequent scams the father pulls is promising his son’s hand in marriage to various families in exchange for a dowry before running off with both his son and the dowry, never to be seen again. This-- inevitably-- comes back to bite them in the ass. But more on that later.

We don’t get to see a lot of Ranma’s childhood on the training journey, just the occasional incredibly horrific flashback to something that would become a national incident were it to happen in the real world. For example, at one point in time, his father finds a Chinese pamphlet of an ~ancient lost Chinese art~ that is INCREDIBLY POWERFUL!!!!! wow! It’s called Neko-ken. So he decides to teach his six-year-old this technique, although he can’t actually read Chinese so he does it based off the diagrams-- which detail a process of collecting a good number of cats, starving them for a few days straight, and then tossing his son, covered in fish sausages (possibly tied up, can’t remember), into the pit to fend for himself (and not be eaten alive) for hours on end. Surprise, surprise, Ranma comes out incredibly traumatized and with an intense fear of cats (something his father would’ve seen coming if he was able to read Chinese as the pamphlet says that someone would have to be crazy to try to teach someone this technique and that it causes severe psychological damage-- also could’ve been avoided if his father had any common sense or fatherly instincts, but hey that’s just asking too much of Genma). This is not the result his father wanted, so he tries to “fix” it by doing the exact same thing multiple times, just with different cat foods wrapped around his son because... I genuinely don’t know what his thought process was but yeah. So that’s just a tiny snapshot of what his childhood was like as well as how much of a massive idiot his father was. And since Ranma never interacted with his mother, guess who had the greatest influence in his development (yay........). (save him) (also this is based off my memory from watching the anime YEARS ago, so some small details might be wrong but the big, overarching “his dad is a terrible person” thing is still very much true even if some of these smaller details aren’t)

When Ranma is a teenager, his father brings him to a Chinese training ground full of cursed springs. The tour guide repeatedly tries to explain what exactly this place they’re visiting is, but the father and son pair are two hard-headed idiots and get right to sparring. Ranma knocks his father into a spring pretty quick only to be caught off guard when his father reemerges from said spring as a panda and grand slams our protagonist into another one of the cursed springs. Our manly man martial artist protagonist emerges from this spring as a dainty, busty teenage girl. /The horror./ The panic from both Ranma and his father’s deeply shaken fragile masculinities gives the tour guide enough time to reveal that they had fallen into the cursed springs of the drowned panda and the drowned girl (one guess who fell into which one) and that anyone who falls into a cursed spring will take on the form of the life form that drowned in it. They can return to their original bodies by being splashed with hot water but, from now on, every time they’re hit with cold (or even apparently lukewarm) water, they’ll change into these new cursed forms.

Now, I’m sure you all saw this coming from the type of man that Ranma’s father is based on everything I’ve said so far, but Genma is the worst(TM). So Genma is all, “no SON of MINE can be a GIRL! >:((((((” and Ranma, who has been raised for his entire conscious life by this man, and only this man, is also very much not Okay(TM) with this because he’s a man, a manly fighting man who was raised to be the manliest of fighting men who fight. He can’t be a GIRL. 

Except he totally can. Because these two start taking advantage of Ranma’s feminine body pretty much immediately in order to continue running scams so that they can eat and whatnot while traveling. Of course, Genma constantly shames Ranma by saying things like, “I can’t believe my son is such a failure of a martial artist, being a girl! I’m so ashamed!” and whatnot at every opportunity but especially when they are in an argument and Ranma is winning or if he needs Ranma to do something for him. He frequently manipulates his son by using this kind of guilt-tripping language as though it’s Ranma’s fault that his body is like this. Nevermind that they both frequently profit off of Ranma’s female body for scams, Genma still puts Ranma down for having it and Ranma internalizes that because he’s 15 and his father is the only person he’s ever known.

And I’m sure we all hate Genma now, as we should, because fuck Genma. What kind of woman would ever marry Genma? (And we assume a woman is married to Genma because how could a man this bigoted do anything other than marry a woman all traditional and whatnot). If only Ranma wasn’t taken from his mother so young. Maybe he would’ve turned out a better person~ Well, uh, bad news, lads :/  So, by the time we meet Ranma’s mom in the series, we’ve known most of these characters for a chunk of time. It’s already quite well established how terrible of a human being Genma is. Ranma may or may not have started the episode out admitting he doesn’t know much about his mom after being asked about her. A standard set-up. I don’t quite remember all the details of the episode, only the important things-- here’s the important thing: Genma’s wife, Nodoka, made Genma swear something to her before he took their toddler on a training journey all around the world. He had to raise Ranma to become “a Man among Men” (and we’ll talk about how she defines manliness) and, if he failed, then both he and Ranma must commit seppuku. 

Yeah, that's right. 

If her son isn’t enough of a man by her standards then he has to commit ritual suicide.

Her son who now transforms into a girl every time he is touched with at least a ladle’s worth water that isn’t steaming.

(hey have i mentioned save Ranma yet? save him seriously)

Her definition of manliness? All the shit the misandrists of tumblr swear is the inherent evils to all men. She thinks her son needs to be unapologetically forceful in /all/ he does. Especially in his romantic forays :///// (yeah this is going where you think it is)

When she does decide he isn’t manly enough (because Ranma was being sexually harassed by an old man who forcibly put him in a sailor outfit, no im not kidding, happosai, said old man, is a whole other element of the show that like holy shit) and tries to get him to commit seppuku, the solution the cast comes up with is to have Ranma “peek” at (his friend? girlfriend? fiance? frenemy? roommate? it’s weird-- technically they’re the two romantic leads but their chemistry is like -5 because she constantly physically hits him for things that really aren’t his fault and just ://) Akane while she is bathing and that will prove his manliness to his mother so that he doesn’t have to literally die. Will having Ranma be a fucking voyeur prove his manliness to his mother, you ask? Yep. This is Manly(TM) and so Ranma gets to live another day. Yay. Once again, molestation saves the day. (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) All of this is played off as a joke, for the record. No character is really acknowledged as being “a bad person” for any of this behavior-- not molester Happosai, not trying-to-kill-her-own-child Nodoka, etc. 

So these are the people who made Ranma. Who shaped this kid with the ability to spontaneously switch between male and female bodies (presuming he has water on hand). Also, obviously, Genma had more influence seeing as Ranma never saw his mother between the ages of two and (I think) 16(?), but. regardless, these are the people who shaped his understanding of gender. For all intents and purposes, our lad should be such a pressure cooker of toxic and fragile masculinity that he just about commits seppuku himself every time he ends up in his female body. 

But he doesn’t. In fact, Ranma is largely comfortable in his female body as long as his father isn’t trying to hold said body against him (wait did that come out wrong?). Ranma has no hesitations taking on his female form for something as little as a discount on ice cream. He makes the statement, “when it comes to eating out, being a girl is the only way to go”-- because he’s able to get an extra scoop for being “cute”

There’s a scene very early on in the series about exactly that which has always stuck with me. It opens with Ranma in his female body at a cafe with Akane and they both order fancy ice cream parfaits. Ranma is extremely excited and exclaims, “I’ve always wanted to try one of these!” 

Akane replies with, “don’t tell me you’ve never had ice cream before.”

And Ranma proceeds to explain that he’s never had ice cream like /this/ because it would be too embarrassing for a guy. When Akane asks if he isn’t embarrassed now, happily shoving huge spoonfuls of ice cream into his mouth, he responds with, “hey, I’m a girl now. It don’t count.” Akanes shoots back with a “REAL girls don’t eat like that” (because our lad is eating with such gusto-- he’s living, he’s thriving, he is demolishing that parfait and there is ice cream all over his face) 

He goes, “I’ll eat it however I want.” And then finishes the whole thing off and proclaims that he wants to order the chocolate one next.

Moments like that were the ones where I loved the show the most. We can see Ranma’s insecurities about his masculinity (thank you /soo/ much for that genma) in that he isn’t willing to perform an ‘unmanly’ action in public in his male body. He can’t be *seen* eating girly ice cream. But when he is admonished for not living up to feminine standards in his female body (eat more daintily), he just goes, ‘i’ll do what i want’. Young me really resonated with that, being born with a female assigned at birth body and growing up in Texas. 

It feels like there’s a trans narrative buried in the steaming hot mess that is this work by Takahashi Rumiko-- and it is abundantly clear that was never her intention so I wouldn’t exactly recommend trying to give her an award or anything. She said that she wanted to write a work with a male main character but was so worried about how many male readers she had, she made the decision to make (as she described) a half-male half-female main character (essentially so she could have her cake and eat it too if you will-- all the self aggrandizing fantasies of a male protagonist her male readers could imagine themselves as along with a copious amount of fan service-- the great majority of which was at Ranma’s unwilling expense in his female body which like ://////// (remember that old man I mentioned before??)--  with the female protagonist body). And, like, I’m not saying Takahashi Rumiko is a terrible person or anything-- I don’t know what her beliefs are, I only know her works which are quite old at this point. Takahashi Rumiko is a big deal in the mangaka world because she was one of the first big shonen mangakas who was openly a woman. Normally, men wrote shounen (which literally translates to boys) manga and women wrote shoujo (which literally translates to girls) manga-- the genres were literally divided along gender lines in terms of their intended audiences but also, to a certain extent, their creators. If a woman wanted to write/draw shounen, usually she had to use a pen name that sounded fairly masculine in order to not impact the perception of her work. Takahashi Rumiko was working in that environment so I would understand why she’d want to be careful but, at the same time, I still kind of hate a lot of the things that she normalizes in her works. Especially assault. Both physical and sexual assault she constantly used as a punchline. Not as much anymore. Her most recent work I’ve read was Rinne and the punchline with that one was that the male lead is super poor, literally penniless, and is constantly starving so hahahahha humor amirite? Pain being funny seems to be her through line now that assault is off the table. At least he isn’t constantly getting whole ass tables thrown at him by his love interest as though that’s supposed to be a cute relationship dynamic (Akaneeeeeeeee). I digress. Takahashi Rumiko’s works played a big fucking role in my childhood from Ranma to Inuyasha to Lum (which I encountered well into my teens and therefore didn’t jive with at all because I’d finally learned sexual assault =/= funny and this was one of her more dated works) and so on and just--  I don’t know if I can watch her older stuff the same way I used to. I’m scared to try, honestly. Because some of the ideas behind her works are so interesting-- like Ranma 1/2-- but then you have to sit through episode after episode of a teenage boy in a girl’s body being sexually assaulted by a remorseless old man only to try to fight back at which point he is physically assaulted but also he still has to grovel to and respect said old man because he’s his father’s master and therefore he has to learn martial arts from him but the old man is constantly wagering Ranma having to pose for him in incredibly skimpy outfits if Ranma wants to learn literally anything and alsso RANMA IS FUCKING FIFTEEN/SIXTEEN JESUS CHRIST IS THERE NO FUNCTIONING ADULT ANYWHERE IN THE VVICINITY SAVE HIM!

I NEED TO DIGRESS

It feels like there’s an unintentional trans narrative buried in this anime. It’s not a fun one (but most trans narratives aren’t either so). This is a boy who knows he’s a boy-- even when his body disagrees. He frequently asserts that “he’s a boy” even when in his female body because he is. He’s a boy. He’ll reference being a girl “in appearance” like with the ice cream parfait scene earlier, but when it comes to identity statements, he’s always a boy. This narrative is about him navigating gender presentation and societal assumptions in order to live however he wants. He’s constantly contending with his own forms of gender dysphoria, whether that be his own gripes about doing anything unmanly (eating ice cream) or the very real threat of his mother fucking killing him if he does anything unmanly (aaaaaaaaaaaa), and he navigates tons of threats by choosing how he presents himself.

There are characters that are in love with the male “version” of Ranma and want to kill the female “version” of Ranma (who, for the record, goes by the name Ranko) and vice versa. The Kuno siblings are a great example. Kodachi is in love with Ranma (and is not above literally fucking using date rape drugs on him to get to him) and wants to fucking kill Ranko whereas Tatewaki Kuno, her brother, is in love with Ranko (the lovely pigtailed girl, he calls her) and has literally sent assassins after Ranma. Ranma essentially has to choose between being sexually assaulted or physically assaulted every time he runs into either of them in terms of what body he is presenting. 

I feel like I should let you know, ye who have actually read this far, that Ranma is able to protect himself pretty well from the assault. Like, our boy ain’t dead. Later on he literally fucking kills a god because he’s really passionate about martial arts so he puts all of himself into it and god damnit does his effort show but, honestly, his ability to protect himself shouldn’t mean that it is okay to assault him. Assault is assault. And just because he can fight back doesn’t mean he always does. Akane, his main love interest, regularly sends him through roofs and across town with the force of her Up + B (aka magically appearing hammer), usually for things that aren’t his fault in any way. Akane actually came to the conclusion that Ranma was a pervert when she (fully dressed) walked in on him (naked because he was in the bath) even though the bathroom was obviously occupied. She constantly gets mad at him for things that are beyond his control and then takes her frustrations out on him by literally beating him up and he never fights back-- which is admirable of him but also made me never want to root for their relationship because that isn’t a red flag, my dude, that’s a red planet. the whole of mars is out here trying to warn everyone that this relationship is the most toxic thing since RoundUp.) 

Usually, when watching a show, you get really invested in the character’s aspirations. You want them to ‘get the girl’, ‘get the promotion’, ‘become the pokemon master’ and whatnot. All I ever wanted for Ranma was for him to fake his own death and run far, far away from everyone who ever knew him as “Ranma”. He’d have to fake his own death, obviously, because otherwise his father and Happosai would track him down because, for his father, Ranma is a walking meal ticket and, for Happosai, Ranma is a teenage girl he can sexually assault at any time. Those two would chase Ranma to the ends of the earth if they thought he was trying to get away from them so--

Ranma. Help him.

There’s so much more to dissect with this show. It’s kind of accidentally a great way to look at gender presentation, especially all the terrible negatives that come with constrained gender roles. I use He/Him pronouns when talking about Ranma because it is abundantly clear that he sees himself as a man and I respect that. Sometimes nonbinary-me is like, but think what a gender-fluid icon our boy would be-- literally switching perceived genders via fluids-- and I think that version of Ranma would be a lot happier than the canon one but, I think the canon Ranma is an important reflection of what a lot of people go through, cisgender, transgender, and beyond, when trying to parse what it means to present a gender and the roles you’re supposed to play. 

Maybe Ranma can go on a journey of self-discovery with his own gender after faking his death and escaping Nermina. 

I was all over the place writing this but this isn’t an essay and I’m not being graded so ha fuck you (excpet no not really fuck you because you either a) read this whole thing or b)scrolled down to the bottom to see if i’d get to the fucking point already-- which for the record, I don’t really-- and either way it means you were a little curious what I had to say so thanks I guess). None of this is exceptionally well-thought-out. I wouldn’t exactly stamp this with any kind of official gender discourse seal. It’s all just food for thought. 

#my art #ranma 1/2 #dont click read more seriously youll regret it #i just ramble for a really long time about nothing #technically about ranma and gender #save ranma jesus chrsit he doesnt deserve all the bullshit

[genderfreezone]

Do you like the Evil Within 2?

Yeah! Certainly not as much as the first one (i was not immune to being sad they left out fan favorites Jojo and Ruvik's Cube)

The rest of this post is me rambling about things i didnt like about the game, and then things i did like (most of my issues are how they treat the female characters tbh)

Its missing kind of the action-noir-gone-horrifically-wrong feel of the first game. The scare factor also suffers bc our player character has been through this before, hes a veteran at dealing with this crazy shit, it doesnt phase him anymore and by extension it doesnt phase the player. They really like tripled down on the Evil Corporation thing and both the intrigue and horror suffer for it.

This game did not drink its respect women juice (the first one didnt really either, case in point: Everything About Kidman) Sebastian is surrounded by 5+ female characters and only 2 of them survive (and one of them is his 7 year old daughter hes spent the whole game trying to rescue... and yet they never bothered to give her any kind of characterization or agency. A highly empathetic and supernaturally powerful little girl in a monster-infested hellscape?? HELLO???? Lily really had the potential to be the most interesting, sympathetic, and complex character--especially as she slowly lost her innocence--in the WHOLE GAME, but she was just sort of relegated to Plot Device McGuffin) The rest of the female supporting cast are killed off for Sebastian's Man Pain. In fact, THIS ENTIRE GAME IS CENTERED AROUND SEBASTIAN'S MAN PAIN. Torrez is a walking stereotype, shes literally just Vasquez from Aliens. Hoffman was the most likeable and believeable, except when it Turns Out She Was In Love With Liam Or Whatever (psst, guess what, i dont care. Also O'neal was kind of a dick anyway? I dont care x2)

And you know who i SUPER dont care about? Bland-White-Bread-And-Mayo-Sandwich Myra. Where's the no-nonsense firecracker of a police lieutenant Sebastian married? Not here, thats for sure. Her entire personality is "mother" and "worries about stressed-out husband". We got more characterization of Myra in seb's jornals from the first game, where she never even made a physical appearance! Horror media does this SO MUCH, women are either A. Sexy Lamp B. Hurts Men (Sexily) C. Mother or D. Innocent Virgin. It sucks. Do better.

The story lacked the "digging up old buried memories" and "theres more to this than meets the eye" of the first game. It felt too...... Straightforward. Everyone told Sebastian the truth. EVERYTHING WAS EXACTLY WHAT IT SEEMED. It all felt too simple, too easy, like there SHOULDVE been something else beneath the surface. And yet there wasnt. (I watched markipliers playthrough and i loved his theory that Kidman was actually Lily. It had such potential. Kidman's entire resume for the police station was fabricated, who's to say the rest of her past wasnt fabricated as well? It would retcon a lot of stuff and like 80% of her backstory from the DLC, but you know games like this arent above retconning important shit, and at least it wouldve been sacrificed for something with actual intrigue. Maybe it wouldnt even retcon anything! Consider: tiny Lily is taken by Evil Corporation and dropped off in a non-nurturing environment that would lead her to become the kind of person who would willingly join & work for an organization like Mobius. At least wouldve been a nice excuse for why Kidman and Lilys face models looked so similar... other than... yknow.... "WomEN ARe hArD tO DRaWwwwwee")

Okay okay ive been ranting for long enough. It probably makes it sound like i kinda hate this game, but i dont! It certainly doesnt hold the same place in my heart as the first one (which i still have very glaring issues with lmao Kidman deserved WAAAAAAY better), but i do like it! It brings back salty, grizzled, tsundere Sebastian Castinellos. It brings back spooky monsters that kill you dead. It brings back having a fun theatrical over-the-top villain who takes himself a litte too seriously.

I love Stefano. Probably not in the way some other fans do, but i love him as a ridiculous theatrical over-the-top villain. He sucks! And i love that he sucks! I love him BECAUSE he sucks! Hes terrible and exaggerated and completely up his own ass and ITS GREAT. He isnt as ACTUALLY THREATENING as Ruvik was (even in his bad assassin's creed cosplay. I could go on and on and on about why Ruvik is simultaneously a ridiculous AND frightening antagonist and how much i love it but uh..... maybe later) but hes such a FUN villain! Hes the kind of pretentious art snob shitheel i cannot STAND irl, but in this game i LOVE to HATE him. Hes just SO over-the-top you kinda wonder if he actually subscribes to the pretentiousness he spouts, or if hes just being Exceptionally Extra.

The other villains? Theodore was.... forgettable. His monsters were forgettable. (Its like how i completely forgot that Frank Manera was a character in Whistleblower for like... 5 years lmao i guess this game also kinda followed that "having multiple named/characterized antagonists in one game" thing that Outlast did) Myra, i just didnt care. Her final design was kinda cool, i liked the red clusters of insect eyes. Her monsters werent really gross enough to be memorable. The only reson theyre gross at all is bc they kinda look like theyre made of semen. (I checked the wiki and apparently Myra's white goo is "psychoplasm" and her monsters lost 99% of their gross factor. I just dont care.) The Administrator literally just looked like a 3D human model of Maxwell from dont starve, and i have to laugh every time i see him. Hes not terribly threatening, all he does is threaten characters to work faster and doesnt actually follow through on those threats. He doesnt even make fun threats like HABIT or anything. He thinks hes so powerful and ominous that his mere presence will frighten the player but hes just kinda all bark and no bite. Hes The Big Bad Company Man so you know hes gonna get whats coming to him, and you know Kidmans gonna be the one to do it to him, so hes not even that much of a threat. Hes whatever.

Stefano definitely got all of the coolest monsters. Many Arms Buzzsaw Lady was terrifying and i love her. And OBSCURA was just *Chef's Kiss* Anima was cool, she kinda looked like a mix of Laura and Samara. The Harbingers were neat, but really only bc ive got a thing for gas masks. The rest of the monsters werent really unique or weighty/threatening enough to be memorable. Now the first game is a fucking TREASURE TROVE of unique monsters *muah* you got Sadist, Sentinel, Keeper, Amalgam, Heresy, Laura, Shigyo, the Twins, Alter Egos, and im probably forgetting some!! But holy FUCK!!!!! And if we're includong the DLC?? MOTHER FUCKING SHADE. SPOTLIGHT LADY. LIGHT WOMAN.  SEXY LEGS.  Whatever you call her, i fucking love her. Her design is so simple. Helmet. Sheet. Legs. Her voice? Unnerving as hell. Love it. (Also i just personally love the diving helmet. Also like you know how a lot of games have a spotlight mechanic where you have to avoid the light and if it lands on you, you're fucked? LET'S MAKE AN ENTIRE MONSTER OUT OF THAT. She's PERFECT.) Oh and also those weird crawling exploding dudes. They made gross sounds and it was great. (Tbh Keepers still probably my favorite, if only for horny reasons)

TATIANA HOW HAVE I NOT FUCKING TALKED ABOUT TATIANA. Shes like the ONE female character that i fucking LOVE in the sequel. I love how they finally gave her a personality, and that personality is literally just "fuck you, Sebastian" Oh GOD its great shes SO FUNNY. I just.... god i love Tatiana lmao. I love how she makes you kinda uncomfortable too, like she knows something, but she wont tell you bc youre stupid. I didn't like the kind of "all-knowing guide" thing they did to try and make her creepy (like she's a "guide" but then also turns around and is like "no i wont tell you what you need to know bc you """have to discover it on your own""" or whatever") it serves no purpose since she never gave you any actual information, and it didn't succeed in making her creepier, all it did was frustrate me. She was at her creepiest when she IMPLIED she was doing something behind the scenes or knew something you didn't know and then didn't elaborate (not REFUSING to elaborate, just... stopping talking and leaving the statement to hang in the air, like the "getting her nails done" and "its been a long time, detective" and the "now what makes you say that" from the first game) and she was at her funniest when she was interacting with Sebastian from the sidelines, her snide little comments and sarcastic clapping cracked me the fuck up. Tatiana not treating Sebastian seriously was a fantastic touch for a game that otherwise would probably take itself so seriously it would double back around to being silly. Without Tatiana, it would've been just another male-centric gun-toting "survival horror" game, and for the most part, it was just that. She was definitely a much-needed source of slightly derisive comedy and a definite high-point for me, even if they didn't so a great job of making her creepy or fulfilling her "purpose."

Oh I also really love the COLORS in TEW2. The first game fell into the trap of having the colors be totally washed out that a lot of horror stuff does, but it also kind of worked for it. Especially with the color pallette of our main villain and how the whole thing was His World. The saturation of the colors in the second game is a breath of fresh air and gorgeous to look at, and you can even see the color motifs of the game change with each new villain: the game starts out with Stephano has lots of blues and purples and dark reds, when Theodore takes over we get bright orange and yellow contrasted with black and brown, and in the climax with Myra the game goes back to having washed out colors and white (and with her villain design? Let's face it: they were kinda just trying to do Ruvik again) We did get portions that were still kind of wahed out whites and greens and greys, but it wasnt the ENTIRE game, even the big blood-and-brains splatterhouse sections of the first game kinda had their colors weirdly muted for that "Horror Aethetic."

In conclusion, i do like the evil within 2, but i also had a lot of problems with it. And i complain about these problems because i like the game and know it couldve done better, tried harder, and been a LOT more than it was (the wasted character potential is my real overarching pet peeve, probably becuase i loved the characters in the first game, and character development is kind of my whole jam) . But all in all, it was still a fun monster-zombie romp with at least one entertaining villain and fun-to-look-at designs and environments. It wasn't character or horror or even REALLY story driven in the way I know it COULDVE been, but i still had a fun time and enjoyed myself.

#long post #875asks #anonymous #the evil within 2 #i couldnt put a readmore on a mobile post so you all have to suffer with me #my paragraph about stefano got cut out so i put it back in lol

[wildflowrrs]

*:･ﾟ✧ manakete!cypher is well... tragic, really.

*:･ﾟ✧ generally speaking, she keeps the same motif as always--- abused by her father for years, eventually snaps and kills him, and then runs off to live on her own in the world despite being HORRIFICALLY unprepared for it. this is no exception, except it’s considerably worse.

backstory:

cypher’s father is not actually her father. she never knew her true parents, and can only remember always being raised by a shitty human she was forced to call father.

cypher is treated as a pet, or a trophy, whichever you feel is more accurate. as dragons/manaketes are rare, she’s often showed off by her father to others, who are often too touchy for her liking, whether in dragon form or not, and often ends up hurting her in some kind of way, which of course makes her react poorly, and thus--- makes punishments worse.

she’s literally raised like a dog. did i mention she’s chained up and muzzled near 24/7? bc she is. despite being a dragon, she’s still young--- and constantly in pain, so escaping or fighting back isn’t a very solid option, nor idea, bc doing so only makes it all the more worse.

she eventually does get pushed to her limits and rebels in a very, very feral way--- unfortunately during one of her “showings” as a dragon. chains finally broke after her years of attempts of escape, and, well, not a pretty sight--- everyone was slaughtered. brutally.

of course, she flees, but unlike her other verses--- she doesn’t regret it a single bit.

eventually someone is kind enough to remove her muzzle for her as it has been on for days and she’d been starving, despite her initial displeasure with the concept of a human being nice to her. should she ever meet them again, they would certainly be treated a bit nicer in comparison to others.

appearance: note: i will draw this all later for a good visual ref

she keeps the usual wild, short pink hair and ocean blue eyes, and body covered in scars.

she has draconic features in human form, as to be expected with me. her forearms and hands, as well as legs below the knees have a scaled texture and are clawed, always. she also has a tail which is always around, as well as cat-like eyes and razor sharp teeth. of course with all manaketes she has the pointed ears, and horns are up for debate whether shown or not.

in dragon form--- tldr she looks like toothless, body wise. head wise is different, but i’ll still end up using toothless as a fc, probably. again, ill draw it later.

as expected, she’s pink. literally everyone expected this. ill leave it to the eventual drawing for details.

the chains around her neck and one of her arms remains, regardless of form. dont ask me how it works, just know it works. when she eventually gets herself a dragonstone, it’s embedded into the chain collar. again, don’t ask how it works.

game related:

recruiting her is incredibly, INCREDIBLY difficult, but it’s possible. it just takes a few attempts. just know she won’t adjust very well at all, but give her the time and i’m sure she will.

im not fantastic with fire emblem, so i wont go in with skills or anything like that--- feel free to suggest stuff, idc. but stat wise, the general gist is that her attack is high, defenses and speed are okay, luck is terrible, and her hp is fucking massive. naturally of course, incredibly weak to things effective on dragons--- falchion especially. for feh? red infantry dragon.

maybe not game related at all, but idk where else to really put it--- she’s fire elemental. guess what color they are! if u thought pink u were WRONG theyre blue just like her eyes.

general/other:

cypher dislikes humans greatly--- and lashes out at them should they get too close, whether it be fatally or not, there will be injury.

as always, do not touch her without her consent. allies or not, there still is very much so the risk of being fatally injured. trauma, man.

she bonds easier with other dragons. it’s not immediate of course, but it’s noticeable.

she’s a very solitary person. when pair up strategies are introduced she’s VERY against it, but will go through with it if necessary.

she purrs! of course she purrs. this is jordyn we’re talking about. if they’re not human in any way, they purr. its law.

as expected, she does not warm up to people easily. it takes A LOT of time and effort, but it IS possible. if she trusts the person enough, they’ll be allowed to touch her in and out of dragon form.

she’s able to push away the curse dragons have of eventual maddening for longer than what’s considered normal--- she was able to go through what she had without going mad then, surely she’s able to push it away out of sheer stubbornness and spite. of course that doesn’t mean she’s immune to it, she definitely can slip into those moments, but she’s more likely to get herself back to normal rather than be consumed by it.

bonus emo bc of that ask: when cypher realizes just how slow she ages compared to the people around her and most importantly her friends--- it really fucks her up. imagine growing up to absolutely despise humans for the way youve been treated, eventually manage to learn to trust them and grow actually positive attachments to them to the point of no longer randomly lashing out at every one you see, only for all that you care for to die right before your eyes while you’re still living strong. it fucks her up so badly, and it gives her a sense of betrayal, enough so that she’d eventually revert to her old ways and live in solitary while being aggressive to any humans who dare approach her.

#《 🌸. eat my ass spirits! 》 (ooc) #《 🌸. but you won't take away my pride — no not this time 》 (manakete) #abuse mention // #abuse // #death // #death mention // #long post // #ask to be tagged // #holy sHIT THIS TOOK A WHILE AND IS WAY LONGER THAN I THOUGHT #WEEEEEEEEEEEEW #guess im more passionate abt this than i thought #vnfughdv #anyways hi #heres This Mess

[breezles]

Really lengthy life story thing under the cut..a lot of negativity and just a big fat idk what to do anymore. But I got a bunch of cleaning supplies to deep clean the house tomorrow because nobody touches it in cleaning but me!!!! 

You know I am really tired of living with the people I do now. My mom, my dad, my brother(is okay in some ways lazy fuck in others) and my moms boyfriend. It’s a horrific combination because of so many different reasons. 

One being my Dad ALWAYS having something to say, muttering asshole things under his breath about everyone. Has anger issues, flips the fuck out if shit doesnt go his way, complains on everything that is or isnt. Yells all the time if he’s not stoned. Gives me emotional whiplash, and never was a “Dad” or “Father figure” in my life. Not contributing to household things, like the list can go on and on honestly. He’s an angry asshole all the time. A good example for the sake of this; “Did you put the clothes in the dryer yet?” and I respond “Not yet but I will” and it only being an hour since. “They’re going to smell like mildew now” or “Did you feed your cats yet?” and if I answer no because I have a specific time I feed them every day that he is clearly aware of, he goes “They’re starving, they’re meowing at the door, why do you even have them?? You dont even care.” He thinks they need food every time they meow and thats why they’ve gained weight after the fifty fucking times I tell him to leave the feeding to me so I can monitor how much and when they eat. (Not 5min later he literally asks me to go put the clothes in the dryer) He also comments about how shitty it is here, and how he wants to leave. Kudos bro go for it. (Also while typing this is when the laundry shit happened, and it’s been about 10min and he finally got up to do it himself because I wasn’t moving fast enough) Also aggressive and patronizing, only talks a certain way to me, and like a normal person to my brother or moms bf. 

Moms bf; Constantly stomping through the house huffing and grunting like a wounded animal, slamming doors or cabinets, making inhuman noises that sound gross and disturbing, because he has no sense that other people live here that don’t have doors or a room to sleep in. Has no consideration at all.. Constantly calls off work at least once a week because he doesn’t want to get up. I wonder how he’s not fired yet. He’s admitted that he has nothing to look forward to anymore, when he gets home from work so he sleeps for days on end, getting more and more lazy. Has anger issues also if Mom tries to get him up for work. Has thrown things before, not at anyone but in general. Also doesn’t do any household chores like cleaning, unless on the very rare occasion dog shit outside. (Same with dad on this) 

Mom; I love her, she has a lot of health issues to deal with that I have tried time and time again to help her with but she sleeps so so SO much that it’s pretty much negatively effecting her health when she should be more focused on maintaining her condition. Never calls to make appointments, avoids it, runs out of her medication then freaks out when she can’t get it because she has to make a follow up appointment for the doctor to represcribe it. She also has whiplash anger, always complains about something being eaten that she goes to eat, which over time has pretty much made me not eat anything in the house except for an occasional sandwich or quesadilla so I’m not to blame for it. (Sounds shitty doesnt it) Doesn’t clean anymore except when she feels like it, can’t remember the last time she made dinner. Hoards up in her room taking pain medication(thats not the prescribed ones) for her Neuralgia. I feel like her mental structure is also declining because she forgets a lot or gets confused easily. Suffers from, diabetes, no thyroid, high blood pressure, possible past stroke, and congestive heart failure and gum disease. Takes medication for all of it, but diet and activity are counter active. Someone with CHF won’t live very long unless they take good care of it Even then the life expectancy is less than 5 years. It keeps me up at night, and often cry because I have to prepare for Moms death at any point from here on. 

Brother; He’s not really here a lot of the time, in a sense he’s sort of lucky he has friends and a social life to get out of the house until he comes home to sleep for work at 12-3am at night. When he is home he doesn’t do anything but sit on his phone and bitch if I ask him to help me clean anything or need something. Forgets to pick me up from work all the time, forgets a lot if it doesn’t involve his friends or his car. Doesn’t do his own laundry and hasn’t cleaned his own room in over a year. Hasn’t washed dishes or taken the trash out or anything home/chore related in months to a year.  Thinks that his share of rent and utilities is all the help he needs to do. (which I am greateful for him helping me help the house financially because his job is a good one). I often tell him from the bottom of my heart everything that I think about, tell him about Mom, tell him it’ll only be me and him down the road for each other. In hopes it sombers him if only a little. I just wish he’d improve as a person in some places. 

Myself: I don’t do much myself, except for working as much as I can. Each night I get home I do a routine of taking care of the animals because Moms bf has stopped feeding the fish he said “were his” even though I maintain and keep the tank clean and running. Dad feeds the dogs, but I bathe them and walk them, brush them etc. Same with the rest of the pets. After they’re taken care of I clean the kitchen if its gross from everyone being in and out of it all day. Take the trash out because it gets piled and everyone thinks “Fuck it” After that I do laundry if needed, and then hop on my computer to do my usual browsing. I’ve started looking for a 2nd job because I can’t afford anything except the bare basics and it leaves me broke 20days out of a month. I’ve also figured out a financial plan to keep the bills paid and rent on time because Mom got us 1000 behind on rent and our utilities would get shut off now and again. We’ve been fine for 3months straight on everything now and have caught up and everyone now pays equal amounts for everything. (Now if I could only get everyone equally sharing housework,  but i’ve barked up that tree before)

In a few hours I plan to deep clean the entire house because it smells like body odor, dog and dirt and dog hair has accumulated since the weather is changing doggos are shedding so it’s a given. I also can’t remember the last time the house was thoroughly cleaned, and not just a tidy and wipe down so it’s due and I know nobody will want to help and think what I’m doing is stupid. But i’m just tired, im tired of feeling like im taking care of child adults, of living in so much negativity I want nothing more then place myself in my own home/apartment/studio whatever I can. I want to take care of myself and my cats. I want to be a functioning person not fighting depression. Everything has built up and piled and piled and I feel so worn down and defeated because I feel like I’m the only one who gives a shit and is trying to maintain some sense, but at the same time I just want to fucking quit. 

I’m afraid that if I leave, if ever, everything here will fall apart. Dogs won’t be cared for, the house will fall into further disseray, Mom won’t be properly cared for and die quicker than she is already. But I keep telling myself you can’t help those who wont help themselves, or dont want it. Just think about myself I say, get out of here build your own life in comfort and security and peace of mind. 

I financially cannot get anywhere in life, I’ve had to teach myself to be an adult from the age of 16 to be responsible, but no one ever taught me financial health. Or security or w/e. I dont know what I’m doing wrong, I dont know where to even begin, I dont know how to get out of here on my own anymore. I’m scared I’ll be stuck in this sickening environment. I dont know who to turn to, where to get to that takes my cats. Even if I found them homes, or placed them in foster care, I still can’t afford to live anywhere on my own because of my own bills. 

what the fuck all of this circulates in my head. I dont know what to do anymore or where to go or what to fucking research I just want help, but im scared I wont know how to take any help, because I’ve engrained in my fucking head that I need to do anything I can to earn the right for someones help that I cant have it unless I’ve earned it. 

I just want to cry, I dont know what to do..I just dont know anymore. I’ve lost touch with my sense of self, I don’t see friends anymore, the only people I see outside of home are the people I work with, I have no life except the one I keep for my pets here. Thats it. 

#breefuckingrantsonherhomelife #im so tired #im so done and fed up