#then im just like the person who hurt me

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I'm sorry I let down my guard.

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#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #xue yang #xiao xingchen #God DAMN this scene was brutal. Season 2 episode 2 is almost nothing but misery and anguish #Helena by Nickle Creek does not quite fit the comic's vibe but it is absolutely a Xue Yang song so I linked it. #The change from “Helena don't walk away...(gentle)” to “HELENA. DON'T WALK AWAY (threat)” is fantastic. #And “Don't waste your pretty sympathy - I'll always be just fine”. Xue Yang core. #Okay now for the real meat. Disclaimer first: *I really like XY.* I think he's a great character. I think his actions consistently- #come from a place of deep trauma. While his reactions and actions put him in a villainous role he is still human about his hurt #and what I'm about to say is NOT intended to be a statement of causality or villianize a group of misunderstood people. #So with that said...Man oh man does Xue Yang have a lot of BPD traits. More that just 'character who is chronically manipulative'. #The impulsivity and emotional reactions and seeking stability makes him feel like he needs that control. What other choice is there? #The part that really gets me is how he *wants* to be safe and happy. But his past experiences tell him how thats impossible #He's the kind of person who goes 'if you don't like me then you better hate me for something substantial". All (pos) or All (neg) #''Love me entirely or Hate me. But don't you dare leave me or forget about me.'' #Not at all comfortable saying 'BPD coded'. Im not a psychiatrist. Just that he has TRAITS. Feel free to disagree or add your thoughts. #ppl with bpd also are not a monolith and everyone has very different experiences. Xue yang is very complex. People more so.

[treasureplcnet]

also quite obsessed with karl being as detached from the story as he is. there's nothing that makes him have to be the detective that has to be involved, but he unknowingly dooms himself by agreeing to work with the KYAL cult. every other detective basically deals with elias head on except weissman, who only meets him right before he kills him. like he's right when he says "by my choices" because everything that leads him to being mixed up with the mannix cult is himself. it's the gambling debts and the choice to do the dirty work for an organisation he knows nothing about. he's the only one that doesn't encounter that body doing police work and it's specifically because he's told to cover it up. he gets himself into the mess and eventually fixes it but the fact that esther always dies in the doomed timelines and he's always too late even if he starts wanting to change things ("till this child. esther.") it just makes me very ill

#sorry jane who heard this on her dms but now im posting it to tumblr cause im having a category 5 woman moment. AND ALTERNATIVELY: #i am also EXTREMELY obsessed with how its a time loop and the idea (so sorry tumblr user whose post i have lost and was inspired by) #weissman was just so fucking hard to deal with that they made sure that he was in their pockets. i just like the idea of the loop-- #--having like. fixed points that elias would need to ensure the dystopia (body is covered up/the investigation closes/etc) but #how they get there is a slightly slower process and the earliest loops were the messiest/most unpredictable #and what we see in the show itself is like. the most streamlined version over hundreds of loops and attempts #so karl specifically. lonely that he is and determined to survive. AND with a cruel streak against people he doesn't like #kept nearly blowing their operation so they began to incorporate him in it instead #there's also another tragedy in there if /esther/ is what they realise works best against him.. #just love and kindness for a girl that weissman comes to see as family and they immediately exploit it after learning during an early loop #im ignoring specific plot points here (polly seemingly panicking when esther shows up at the station) but I DO NOT CARE. #THERE'S ANGST HAPPENING RN. IM CREATING SCENARIOS TO HURT ME #now if i could write coherently this would be written as a fic but im stuck writing too long textposts #karl weissman #bodies 2023 #bodies netflix #sorry to the other detectives. weissman in particular is my babygirl who i devote most of my brainpower to #personal

[sampilled]

it's weird how in the flashback episodes we never really see sam as an angry kid when we hear so much about how he argued with john nonstop and how vocal he was about hating the life throughout the show, he's always portrayed as kinda timid and quiet.

the only time we see him act out like that (that i remember right now anyway) is in after school special and he spends the entire episode pushing it down and swallowing everything he wants to say until he is finally pushed too far

its almost like sam wasn't a horribly angry child (or adult)

#this goes doubly for early seasons sam who kept getting told he was so filled with rage #i also just think that its kinda bad writing. i feel like the writers forgot that sam was constantly standing up for him and dean never did #im also reading weechesters fics rn and the most frustraiting thing is reading a fic that portrays dean as the rebelious one who stood up t #john for sam #you literally have never watched the show ever #we also never really get to see teen sam which is so hurtful to me personally :( #i know it would have been difficult because sam was 22 in the pilot so people kinda know what teen him and early 20s dean look like #but i prommy people woyld have suspended their disbelief

[moeblob]

I am really tired of a situation rn.

#fe three houses #felix hugo fraldarius #me using felix on my angy days because he is my angersona? you bet! #anyway if you want to try to get someones money or something bc you hurt your own car banging into mine #can you try to be a bit more timely with it buddy come on you hit me on feb29 ! #why am i getting your insurance company calling me today ! #also i would like to point out i didnt do it and neither of us were hurt and i filed a claim with my own insurance comp #and also filed a police report bc he didnt even suggest calling the cops to the scene #so like yeah hey man maybe you and your insurance company can move a lil faster or smth #literally everything that happened the day of is - according to my dad - an intimidation tactic #i look like im 15 and he probably thinks he can take advantage of a new driver but ya know! tough luck! #im just really tired and stressed over multiple things not negative so getting this on top of it was like #bro .................... anyway my phone didnt pick up for some reason so i called back and then nothing got resolved #cause the person who actually called me wasnt around to connect the line to from the guy who answered #idk man just its a lot despite my v minimal energy #got a job interview on monday tho ! and then also next week is an eye exam #and you might be thinking isnt that a good thing to get your eyes checked? you are correct but i am horrified #there are two body parts that give me absolute anxiety and eyes are one of them #and i know my eye sight is declining and im just v anxious #its fine im going to be fine i just have to be anxious about it

[puppyeared]

i wrote this as a joke because I wanted to strangle a guy watching tiktoks without headphones on the bus, but im genuinely disturbed that we've gotten to a point where convenience comes first. and it depresses me even more that its used to justify and monetize greed

#like we have so many ways of doing things that could help us in the long run but because we're told it requires more work we just cant #its too resource intensive. or maybe its too much to maintain. we have to overlook benefits so money can go into more important things #we teach each other to do things a certain way so it works for everyone but who was it convenient for first? what abt who it might hurt? #i have to wonder if the rules our current system uses is worth listening to or following if it doesnt have our best interests in mind. u an #me and the ppl around us.. would we be better off if i ate my meals knowing the person who grew it wanted to feed others the way they could #feed themselves? and that isnt to say we're going to be happy doing it but i guess satisfied that its helping someone instead of quietly #accepting that itll eventually go in the dumpster behind a grocery store because it stopped looking appetizing or it wasnt on sale anymore #what about building homes so we can shelter each other? what if we were satisfied with what we did because we knew it would be paid back #with kindness? isnt that what we evolved to do?? heal each others bones and tell stories and help each other?? #why dont houses come with solar panels or generators unless we find a way to make people pay to use the sun? why is our pooled money used #to fund genocides instead of education and hospitals? whose interests and convenience came first when we started this?? #i wont pretend to know the answer because i dont. but we all know we're miserable and im sorry to say that i cant see myself fighting #for a world that wont fight for me too. why do we work if we cant live from it?? why did they stop us from plucking more teeth from our #bosses until they could build more walls around themselves and then go back to underpaying us?? #im so tired. i cant even imagine making it to age 70 #yapping #vent

[korships]

shoutout to my fellow selfshippers who don’f fit the “soft” and “demure” archetypes usually seen in selfship imagines.

shoutout to selfshippers who are more of the ‘leader’ in their ships.

shoutout to self shippers who may be standoffish, blunt, loud, bullheaded, or have a strong personality. maybe you can be crass, or argumentative, or jovial. maybe people find you intimidating at first.

but your f/o loves your strong personality!

p-oship dni

#self ship community #self shipping #much luv to the selfshippers who relate to those imagines. that just is not me lol #ppl tend to find me intimidating and i hav a ‘strong’ personality #and my f/os gotta learn to luv it #ok 2 rb #ngl kinda hurts to see all the hcs of ur fos ‘type’ - #be the complete opposite of u personality wise #‘ur fo loves how soft and quiet u are’ okay but im a bitch? like straight up?

[craycraybluejay]

You said in tags once that pedophiles and child predators aren't the same, can you explain why? /GEN

For the same reason that people with any kind of attraction to anyone ever aren't all rapists/don't all pursue romantic/sexual feelings that could or definitely would hurt the other person. Because paraphilias are simply the morally neutral state of experiencing attraction and rape/grooming is Not That. Because people *choose* to hurt others, but not what they feel. Because a good majority of child sexual abusers aren't even pathologically/paraphilically attracted to children, they *just want to hurt them because they can.* Because they're dissatisfied with something in life, or want a punching bag, or want to feel powerful, etc etc.

It's not really different conceptually from physical abuse. Do people do it because they have icky feelings about liking blood or violence? No. They do it to feel powerful. Sexual abuse is not about sex but about power. Hope this answers your question. I've answered it a good million times on this blog but eh I'm in a generous mood.

#anon response #pro para #girl imagine if ppl blamed randomass sadists for me getting beat up as a kid #like. no. thats not how that works. if they got off on hurting me in a literal sense they mightve been a little nicer ab it. #honestly its just flat out offensive to equate thoughts and feelings with abuse #regardless of someone's pathology you can always choose to do good and always choose to do evil #what you do with that ability is up to you. but rather than focusing consequences on random 'freaks' maybe focus them on #'normal people' who decide to covertly abuse their kids. or the priest who got tired of being godly and did some fucked shit #it is not the freaks you should fear but those who put on a face of normalcy while treating others like garbage and hurting people #also mostly those that are self aware know how to Be Good so to speak and im saying this broadly ab all 'dangerous' thoughts #ppl who know they can get triggered into violence will usually avoid sais triggers. ppl who spiral out of control during an episode will #have someone watch over them or find some way to offset any possible damage #even for people in whom some sort of harm is an instinctive reaction and not a conscious decision #steps can be should be and are taken to minimize problems and recover from anything that needs it #i trust a big 3 paraphile easier than an unstable person in power with no self awareness #because ive met both and only one has ever seriously hurt me. guess.

[rebellum]

I feel like... Perhaps... Arguing that transphobia is defined by murder and that anything other than murder doesn't even matter... May NOT be conducive to fighting for trans rights.

Like... people want the right to exist as they are. They want to have access to hrt and surgeries and prosthetics. People want access to clothes that fit them and reflect how they want to be seen. People want access to medical care (eg. Getting screened and treated for sex-based forms of cancer can be impossible if you have the "wrong" sex listed to receive those tests). People want to be respected and treated well. People want to not be sexually assaulted and beaten and abused. People want to have access to housing and jobs, and the protection to not lose those things for being trans. People want access to shelters for homeless people or survivors of domestic abuse. People want name changes.

Acting like all of those things don't matter because at least they weren't murderered by an individual (and instead die of suicide or state violence, or survive and suffer) isn't okay.

#'hey people are forcibly detransitioning you and raping and beating you and you lost your job and are going to be homeless and #probably die of infection from being stabbed for trying to go to the bathroom. but at least you arent part of a demographic that has a #higher murder victim rate! shhh just ignore that we dont actually have data on the murder rate of your group.' #do ppl like. forget state based violence exists. and that thats most violence minorities face. #idk man im just. mad about people on here acting like youre only oppressed if youre a perisex trans woman who was AMAB. #cause i exist at the intersection of multiple minorities and being told hey u experience violence but at least you wont be murdered by an #individual feels like a slap in the face. #like it doesnt matter if i have to mask my neurodivergent behaviour bc if people see they could assume im on drugs and call the police and #i could potentially be really hurt but not die but hey at least i wont die just be horrifically traumatized by police brutality! #there are millions of people with mental illnesses similar to my own around the world who are institutionalized and forcibly medicated or #living on the streets or dependant on horrifically abusive caregivers #but hey at least they arent being murdered! #like. the way the transphobia discussion on tumblr rn discusses (and doesnt discuss) race and ability and class and health makes me #feel very invisible. #like if people had to choose who to believe about my experiences between listening to me a black/mixed mentally ill maybe disabled (used to #be disabled) hella nd trans nonbinary person #or listen to a white middle class trans woman's take on my experiences that theyd choose her. its such a weird weird microcosm. #its like a monkeys paw like people are finally listening to trans fems and finally recognising the violence they experience and finally #actually caring about them but for some reason decide that in order to do that its necessary to throw every other minority under the bus #like fuck man have you seen how 'anti transandrophobia truthers' discuss race? its NOT okay #we all matter we all are so similar and are part of the same groups and same communities we need to stick together #stop using trans fems as a battering ram to hurt other minorities challenge #cause like. yes its some trans fems. but its mostly NOT? #like its non trans fems telling other non trans fems that they arent oppressed #and even when many trans fems are like what the fuck dude of course other trans ppl matter whats wrong with you #the group of like 80% non trans fems 20% trans fems are like 'hmm if you are defending other trans people you must not really be trans fem' #like. denying trans fems their identity bc they disagree with them?? dude someone doesnt stop being a trans fem cause they recognise #people other than trans fems matter and exist #its just all so WEIRD its a weird little tumblr microcosm #i wanna stress. for those of you who dont have access to other lgbtq+ communities. how much it seems to be primarily a tumblr thing. to

[skunkes]

ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page

#delete later #deleting soon bc eyes on me #for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL #sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out #im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever #but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened #i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow! #all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc #idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project. #as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it #and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either. #im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting #and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better #its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3 #this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love #cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble #and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it) #i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim

[good-beanswrites]

I’m thinking about the angst of the restraints headcanon again. There’s the two with the least physically violent crimes, and they rank relatively low in strength. There’s the child who was violent but had to be really crafty about it; she’s the weakest of all of them. And the most dangerous of the guilty prisoners cannot be restrained.

This makes me so emotional!!! All three are the smallest of their circles. Two of them are extremely ordinary people who have never experienced/expressed physical violence before. One hadn't even fathomed the idea of someone dying until they actually did. And yet, they're subjected to the type of restraints you'd expect to see on someone who is uncontrollably violent. The fact that prisoners who committed very gruesome murders can walk free (including Mikoto) just adds insult to injury. I still couldn't everything into words, but here's a Mahiru-centric drabble featuring the same thoughts. It takes place after T1 closes but before the attacks.

“Where are our rights?”

Fuuta’s shout caused Mahiru to wince. She perched on her bedding, watching the two prisoners she’d invited to her cell. It hadn’t been the fun kind of invitation, though. Back in school, she always wanted to have parties and dates back at her place. Moving to the city, she imagined what it would be like to make university friends and take them back home with her to talk, eat, and have fun. 

Sitting in her dim gray cell with Fuuta and Amane, all of them held fast by complex sets of restraints, was not what she’d had in mind.

Amane knelt in the corner. Her arms were crossed, as if pouting, though the opposite was true. A moment ago her eyes had lowered in prayer, but it was difficult to find any peace of mind now. Fuuta snapped and shouted as he paced the length of the cell bars. They were unlocked, but like the others, he didn’t feel like being out in front of everyone. He’d give his uniform a violent jerk every now and then, but it didn’t do any good. Between his strides and growls, he made Mahiru think of those poor wild animals they keep at the circus.

“Take it easy, Fuuta.” She mustered up a smile. “Come rest with us.”

“I can’t believe you two. You’re just gonna sit here and take it? I didn’t do a fucking thing! They’re acting like I’m some big danger to society,” he yanked his arms again, to no avail. “All I did was type some things onto a screen. I’m not gonna go around stabbing anyone or anything. And you, you didn’t hurt anyone either!”

He nodded his head to Mahiru. If her arms weren’t already folded over her chest, she would have hugged herself anyway. 

“Well… I did hurt him in the end… I broke his heart badly enough that… I mean, he…”

Fuuta made a disgusted sound. “That’s all stupid romance stuff. I’m saying, you never stabbed him. Never strangled him. Never poisoned his food, or –”

“Oh god, no! How horrible…”

“Exactly! From what we’ve heard, it sounds like Haruka killed someone with his bare hands. I think Muu had a knife or something. Shidou had a whole arsenal of grisly doctor tools. Kotoko has openly talked about how she beat that guy to death. Why are they allowed to walk free while we’re tied down like wild animals?”

Mahiru was glad she hadn’t mentioned the circus.

“And Amane! It’s not like she did anything violent, and here she is!”

“That is not true.”

Both paused as Amane spoke up for the first time. 

“Eh?”

“While I disagree with my verdict, the restraints make sense.” The others still stared blankly. As matter-of-fact as always, she continued. “I killed with my own hands. I used the amount of force I was instructed to. Just as the sinner fears the wrath of heaven, I can understand how the godless warden would fear my justice.”

Fuuta’s passion wavered, but Mahiru could feel her heart ache for the girl. “Oh Amane… I had no idea. To be pushed to the point of violence at your age…”

“I am not to be pitied. As I said, I am dangerous, and proud to be. I am doing god’s work. All heroes must be dangerous.”

Fuuta grunted, but said nothing. Mahiru gave her a gentle smile. “It’s not pity. Even if you were dangerous, it’s horrible to restrain someone like you. You’ve already had to brave so much, as the smallest of the bunch.”

She looked between the two. A sad laugh escaped her. “Now that I think of it, I guess we’re all the smallest here, hm? Aside from maybe Muu, we don’t have much height or strength on the others…”

“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Fuuta cried. “The fuck do they think we’re going to do?” Mahiru was just glad he’d focused on that rather than the fact she’d just called him weak. 

Voices raised in conversation down the hallway. Mikoto’s laugh echoed faintly into the cell.  

It warmed Mahiru to hear. Things had been so hard on him here. Though it had been frightening to hear him shouting at the restraints til his voice was raw – well, it wasn’t him shouting – it had been a relief when he appeared free and relaxed the following day. He seemed sheepish that he wasn’t able to help the others, having no memory of his escape. Mahiru just kept telling him how happy she was for him.

Fuuta didn’t share in the sentiment. “Meanwhile, Mikoto gets to stroll around free, and he beat the shit out of Es! He could snap and kill any one of us here, and they don’t even give a damn. But ooohhh, god forbid the guy who’s never been violent a day in his life is allowed to use his own two hands!”

The harshness of his voice wasn’t doing his argument many favors. Still, his words were beginning to get through to Mahiru. 

She’d worked so hard to be a model citizen. She was supposed to have a perfect life. She could cook, clean, sew, and take care of children. She did herself up every day; she was never a slob or a slut. She was generous to everyone she met. She showered the world around her in love. Wasn’t it unfair that her hands were tied like some common criminal? What was all that effort for – being patient when people upset her, being kind even when she disagreed with someone, all of that – if she was going to end up in the same place as someone who had stabbed another out of sheer malice?

Amane didn’t seem to be whirling with the same doubts. She closed her eyes once more. “It is simply a trial from heaven. We may be small, but all of us have an internal strength that will carry us through the ordeal.”

“I don’t think it’s any sort of religious thing, but you’re right,” Fuuta puffed his chest out. “Trials like this only make people stronger!” 

“Do you think so?” Mahiru wasn’t sure if she was asking either of them or just musing to herself. It was a nice thought. This was all part of destiny, something meant to be that would make her stronger in the end. 

But she wasn’t so sure she believed in destiny anymore. It hadn’t quite worked out the first time. 

“Hell yeah!” Fuuta must have assumed she was in fact asking him. He gave a wide, toothy grin. “It’s not like we can get any weaker, right? The warden better watch out next trial – they’ve got a big storm coming!”

#milgram #mahiru shiina #fuuta kajiyama #amane momose #and then we had a big storm coming 😔 #thank you for the ask pal!!! im not sure if the drabble is what you had in mind but it was really fun to write lol #mahiru canonically being really tiny and trying to be the model nonconfrontational woman... #fuuta being so small and specifically saying hes never been violent toward anyone and never wanted anyone to get physically hurt... #(and something about fuuta being the closest to the average milgram fan) #amane being very small and weak and only killed a specific person for a very predictable reason... #and theyre all treated like wild animals that could snap at any time :(( #meanwhile the actually unpredictable one who Did lash out and hurt someone just strolls around free #not that its anyones fault hes free -- it wasnt on purpose -- but still it makes the situation that much more painful #it makes me crazy!! i thought putting it into action would help communicate my ideas but idk #drabbles

[deoidesign]

I'm sorry if what I say is wrong in any way, I don't mean to offend you, it's just something I'm not completely sure about. Does Adam use he/they or they/them pronouns? I think I saw a post of yours where you said that Adam uses he/they, but it was a while ago and now I'm not completely sure (and I don't want to use the wrong pronouns)

I know you don't mean anything by it, but I am sad that so many of the asks I get start with people saying "I'm sorry, I don't want to offend you" or some variation thereof, followed by completely normal questions. I think I may have been responding too harshly to too many things and given the impression that I'll jump at people for being wrong...

But asking clarifying questions is always okay. I mean, it's also okay to be wrong and even offensive. What matters is if you learn from it when someone points out that it was wrong or offensive. I won't stop telling people they're saying something hurtful if they are, but I don't want that to lead people to be scared of me or something.

Correcting people is always just about correcting them, not hurting them. It's okay to need to be corrected, were all learning new things every day.

Anyways Adam uses he/they, you remembered correctly

#i dont like when people pry about personal things #especially not when it's accusatory. I'm admittedly sensitive to a lifetime of people denying my identity #people saying i dont count as bi. or nonbinary. or disabled. #and so i tend to take questions around these as people trying to 'sus me out' as a fake or something... #and I'm always going to try to explain. generally gently... how these things are hurtful to me personally #or in the case of my characters how certain things can (in my opinion) be harmful mindsets to have #but i dont carry them with me and im not mad #im just 26 and kinda tired of making myself small to make other people more comfortable. #so. if im uncomfortable ill just say jt! #and ill do my best to explain why so people can maybe learn from it #but as someone who. i talked about this recently elsewhere. as someone who has anger management issues #and unfortunately has had to deal with people i care deeply about being scared of me... #it just makes me sad to see anons being scared of me. #that's all #im not upset or anything. just trying to be a better person. #I'm learning everyday too #asks #anon

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i love having cats. there's just a Little Guy in my house that i can go annoy when i'm bored

#she's my bestie she's my nemesis she's my comedy partner she's my little meow meow #i poke her she smacks me #i say hi she makes an unholy noise in return #i crochet she sits in my lap and watches #i freak out bc theres a spider & she eats it #and when i keep my door closed for more than five seconds she yowls and scratches like she's been exiled #she truly is The Most Cat Ever #except also not bc she acts more like a person. shes too smart #absolutely unprompted #sorry im just feeling Affection for my small ginger menace #she is currently crouching on the rug trying to Entice me into shenanigans #ohhhh nvm she just brought one of her toys into the room. she wants me to throw it so so badly #get you a cat who plays fetch #and Wont Stop Staring oh my god i can feel her eyes boring into the back of my skull #she's just staring at me from the hallway. menacingly #her tiny murder paws.... her weirdly strong tail that hurts when it slaps me in the face... big ol ears... pink nose... She <3 #i've never had a cat with such a strong personality #sorry *purrsonality #her range of expressions and vocals... unparalleled #helped me carry a bit for a full five minutes a lil bit ago #meowed back in all the right places with the right tone #she knows whats up <3

[toxifoxx]

truly at the end of the day its all about receiving validation

#<- was having a lot of fun drawing fat william till he stopped to think about what other people might think #<- very important that people like him just as much as i do #<- incredibly important (i love him so much and his character is so much more nuanced than the fandom ever gives him credit for #and he already gets shat on way too often by people who don't understand what they're talking about) #truly the amount of hate based around him being a murderer is insane. Brother he's not a real life murderer. he's not going to #come out of the screen and hurt you #I NEED PEOPLE TO AT LEAST LIKE HIM A LITTLE BIT *bursts into tears* #and i need validation #and getting people to simp for him and think oh hes hot 😳 is one of the easier and more entertaining ways to get nice comments #what i lack in skill and talent i can make up for in character design and suggestive subtext right? #ugh #i dunno it feels like the only way to get people to say sometjing nice about my art sometimes #don't get me wrong i adore drawing him slutty but. ougggghhhhhh #hope it doesnt sound like im implying he's less attractive if hes fat personally i think hes hot as fuck #its mostly about stupid ass conventionally attractive shit #and also that people get bullied for portraying him fat... That too #anyways #im normal again now #toxi.txt

[oatbugs]

the urge to self sabotage bc it would be easier. BUT I WONT DO IT!! I NEED TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN DO THINGS THAT ARE GOOD FOR ME!

#i have a history of like. wanting to take the hard path and when its Actually Hard instead of #going thru w it i just like...dont do anything. usually i become anxious to the point of illness etc etc #but rn its like...i cannot fuck this up fr i rly have to at least try !! ive been given a good thing i have to at least . try. #i need to be nicer to my future self they are just as much a person as any of my friends that id go out of my way for #by that point we may so different from each other that all the bad things i do that harm my future arent just harming MY future #but also someone distinct from me in many ways. yk. like who are u hurting ? they (future u) may be a stranger at that point #with how much things change. do you have a right to rob them of potential health and happiness? #im not trying to play around w counterfactuals i just need to be kind. i just need to be kind even if its myself. #lets see.

[napping-sapphic]

God i’m thinking about how easily and unknowingly strangers can grant you salvation like i found it in how my old classmate told me once that i was a kind person and it was the first time i’d ever believed it

in how a coworker once said that i always seem so happy and have a nice smile and i cried about it when i got home since i’d always been told i seem too serious or mean

in how someone once told me i was good at comforting them when i’d always thought i was bad at it

Just god they’re out there somewhere and i barely remember what they looked like and we’ll never cross paths again but they changed me so deeply, they’re out there but they’ll never know how often i revisit those memories and think of myself even just a little more kindly they’re out there and i don’t know them but they’re the most important people in the world to me somehow

#me?? having a Night™️?? more likely than you’d think #im missing the people i never really knew #and im stuck echoing their words to myself #it’s honestly so important to hear things from people who don’t have an agenda to hurt you #who didn’t form a perspective of you at 14 and never let it go #i dont know #it’s just insane how badly ive always felt about myself #how inherently true i thought it was that i was mean or cold or unlikeable #only to have so many people tell me differently the past few years #and i still feel so mean and cold and unlikeable so often because of the people close to me!! #and i probably will forever to some extent!! #and it’s such an awful feeling #but just knowing even one person saw me as kind or happy is such a balm to that pain #that even if every person i meet from here on out found me flawed #there was at least one that saw kindness and joy in me?? that’s healing #idk #idk im emotional and tired and just want to believe i can be a good person sometimes #and sometimes i feel like that one ‘you’re so nice’ i received three years ago is the only thing holding me together sometimes #god just ignore me

[kil9]

everyone agrees that the patriarchy teaches men to hide their emotions, and that this is a bad thing, so why is it that when men actually show an emotion everyone jumps to call him an abuser or manipulator or whatever :\

#99.txt #im so sick of this #you all have no faith in people. you just see the word boyfriend or he pronouns and go !!ABUSER!! DUMP HIM! and dont see how there could be #any negative reprocusions of that................ #i still cant forget that ANONYMOUS message where someones boyfriend was worried they were cheating. & the person who got the ask was like #''wow HE'S definitely the one cheating.'' #on an ANONYMOUS message ????? how could you possibly say that with confidence with ZERO information ? #some guy was worried and thats what you have to say ????? and you act like you have no hand in men supressing themselves ? #someone who might have had mental health problems or have been cheated on before and been hurt. like. #whoa call me a red flag or whatever for saying this but. no one would say that if it was a woman ! no one ! #we all have a hand in society and we all have a hand in the patriarchy and if you dont get your head out of your ass and wise up #then ur just gona get more people hurt #i know circumstances are different sometimes but you actually DO need to consider how you would feel if the tables were turned !!!! #if you still feel the same thats fine ! it was a good thought exercise !!! #but you need to consider these things even if they are uncomfortable to you 🤨 in order to challenge your mind #this is how we get those bullshit ''crying is a manipulation tactic 🥺'' takes #im SICK OF IT !!!!!! everyone use your brain NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #stop assuming everyone is the worst person NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!