#there is something SOOOO wrong with them

[solargeist]

no one can unravel grian like mumbo can, mumbo responds slightly different and grians already in tears

#there is something SOOOO wrong with them #im thinking abt mumbo trying to mess with grian and it ended with grian trying to give up his mending book . he goes crazy so quick #they’re so funny and such a good duo. just obsessed with each other

[msnihilist]

Thinkin' about "didn't know they were dating" Phinabella but Isabella is the one who doesn't know.

She's been pining for years and finally can't take it anymore and blurts out that she's in love with him, and Phineas immediately and enthusiastically returns the sentiment, saying that he's glad she's finally felt comfortable enough to say it after all this time. (Isabella is loading, but manages to say, "what?")

Turns out that Phineas always returned her feelings, he just doesn't show them in big, flowery ways like he does in her fantasies. ("You didn't think Paris was romantic? I had so much fun looking for airplane parts together!" and "You've always been special to me, Isabella. I don't treat Buford or Baljeet like I treat you." and "You always seemed so nervous, I didn't want to push it." and "I'm happy as long as you're around, anyway — we don't have to be holding hands or kissing.")

Isabella is casually having an existential crisis as years of their friendship recontextualizes itself in her head. Phineas is waiting for her to finish processing very patiently. (He's waited this long, after all.) And with the confusion cleared up, they both agree to "continue" "dating" and have their first kiss 💕🥺

#phineas and ferb #phinabella #kind of obsessed with the idea of phineas just. casually being in love with isabella #he already thinks the world of her! #she's the first person he checks on when something's wrong he always has a compliment for her he's always happy when she just shows up #i think his feelings are soooo. quiet. in contrast to how loud isabella's can be sometimes #Phineas literally couldn't care less if Isabella never wanted to kiss him— #he just wants to be able to see her every day for the rest of his life <3 #imagining this as them ~14/15

[pocketwei]

six feet deep below the street the sky came crashing down

second piece for @opdoffyzine, this one was for the nsfw add-on, Heavenly Pleasure, and also in collaboration with my dearest @hazeism who wrote hawser's smolder (rated E, 1k8 words) THE most banger fic ever for me to illustrate <33 I'll never not be obsessed with Loguetown dfwn so. enjoy....

#cw gore #gore #art #one piece #illustrations #donquixote doflamingo #sir crocodile #dofuwani #oh doffy there's something soooo wrong with you and yourrrrrrr obsessive and cruelty-tainted love #these freaks give a whole new meaning to “giving head” #case in point: marineford + everything else #god they're so offputting and horrible i love them madly

[snekdood]

There are genuinely people online that instead of actually bringing people to the left, at this point, would prefer that anyone who was previously not on the left but who tries to be *stays* outside of the left, because i guess its just easier to comprehend when the world is put into little shitty boxes you labeled for them instead of actually thinking for once and having the nuance to understand them. Like thats wild to me that theres people who would prefer you not be on the left or not try to be. Yall GENUINELY do not care about advocating for your side politically in any capacity. Its LITERALLY just a clique you've found yourself in. And theres nothing progressive about that or being exclusive, wtf do you think this shit is, a night club? Grow the fuck up, honestly.

#A whole lot easier to consistently point and laugh at the same person than to ever encourage them to change i guess #yall are weak #Yall wont get us anywhere and actively hurt progressive causes #And the worst part is most of the ppl like this are on tumblr and a lot of the people on tumblr absolutely suck as human beings #and never want to do anything about it either partially because they think theyre above any form of therapy 🙄 #Idk. maybe its a comfort thing. Like things have to be exactly how they remembered them the day before or else they'll idk lose their mind #Like some of yall would prefer the world stays black and white and thats sad #Lets be honest. What it really is is you dont want to have to feel any potential guilt for treating someone as if theyre just #discardable trash when they werent. #Bc ur just oooohhh soooo perfeccctttt and it just fucks with your self perception when someone even inadvertently suggests #you did something wrong lmao. #yall wont survive in this world

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

hm ok so for a while i was thinking that Wally, for the most part, only perceives reality as "Home", the neighborhood. that's his entire world, it's all he knows

but then i slapped myself and went wait. the Live Interview. Wally has been outside of Home, and has interacted with humans (presuming that the interview did actually happen, of course). and through Wally's interactions - or rather, attempt at interactions with Us, the QA, and the WHRP, it can be strongly assumed that he knows that there's an Elsewhere. there are places outside of Home. maybe he doesn't quite understand that there's another reality of sorts, but there's no way he's unaware that there's more than just the neighborhood out there

(and then of course there's the fact that Clown has said that humans are deeply involved (not a direct quote, im paraphrasing) in Welcome Home. maybe Wally interacted with them / regularly interacted with them. there could have been an adjustment period after he gained consciousness where humans helped him learn how to walk/talk/fine motor skills - this could be why he has such a seemingly inherent / desperate trust in Us & the WHRP & the QA... humans made him and cared for him. it's possible he could view them as a sort of higher power to trust & have faith in

& maybe he's been off-set or could go off-set. i mean, the houses' rooms were all different sets - the buildings themselves were empty husks, right? who's to say Wally wouldn't physically walk to the individual set pieces whenever he went over to someone's house (but then that leads me into speculation on how the puppets' consciousness works and how multiple copies of them could co-exist and wondering which is the - im getting off track. but there's all of that and then the two part "you're okay!" art pieces of Wally & Eddie, which are technically canon - dont quote me on that - and that's Another ramble/theory post i could go on about & have strong feelings on. Anyway!)

"but wait," i hear someone protest, "what about Barnaby? he was in the Live Interview too"

but was he? was he really? was that Barnaby, or was that a person in a suit playing the character Barnaby B. Beagle? i mean, if it was Barnaby, there had to be some memory fuckery going on that prevented him from either fully comprehending/realizing the situation, or just made him forget as soon as it was over.

and actually wait, Wally has to be aware of the reality discrepancy. because it was certainly him in the Interview as himself. He had to have understood on some level that either that wasn't really Barnaby, or that Barnaby wouldn't remember the interview.

(there's a connection in my head between all of this & how he would view an apple pie. "it isn't the same anymore. something's different". but i can't pin it down for the life of me.)

and with the Talking Telephone calls, Wally explicitly tells Us that he's not going to tell anyone who was behind the calls. i remember listening to the "original" prank call audio tests, which while were very similar to the canon in-website ones, have a few changes. one of which was Wally - in the tests - saying that the others weren't ready to meet Us yet. now in canon that tidbit has been swapped out for "You have to go too. You have work to do" but i think it's still implied through Wally's purposeful withholding-of-information that he doesn't think the others are ready to know. or he straight up doesn't want them to know

i mean, one little theory i previously had is that Wally wants them all to catch on to the nature of their reality and situation, but he doesn't want to - or Can't - tell them outright. they have to figure it out. and that can't was either something keeping him quiet, or because if they learned too soon / inorganically, their little puppet heads would pop into confetti like Red Guy's in dhmis 4

However my views have Changed and i'm pretty sure Wally is purposefully not telling anyone to maintain the illusion that everything is fine and can continue on as it always has. maybe it comes from a place of protectiveness, of love? whatever the motive i think he wants them all to keep being unaware and dare i say, Complacent while he "fixes" their situation.

which is delusional, but we all know Wally is digging his metaphorical claws into a desperate bid to keep everything the same / return it to its original state, leaving bloody scratches in something already rotted. or something like that!

all this to say i think it's interesting how it seems that he's the only one aware of humans / an outside/other world, yet he's so determined to stay in his lane. he wants connection & communication yet he doesn't want to leave or change. he wants help in keeping things the same (some could say in keeping Our reality & his separated) but in the process he's dooming everyone/everything and tearing down those walls himself

(Wally: i'm going to stay where i am, and you're gonna stay where you are, and we're gonna help each other keep me and my friends where we're meant to be. anyway i wonder what this sledgehammer does)

#this is a very disjointed ramble but when are they ever put together! #i have to start at point a to get to point 36 yk yk #trying to write down my thoughts is like trying to keep a firm grip on a lubed up ferret #SOAPED!!! SOAPED UP!!! I MEANT SOAP yk that doesnt make it any better. anyway moving on dont look at me #its. its. the more i think about wally the more i go insane #like he's got neurosis stacked on neurosis stacked on- #there is something soooo wrong with him <3 #homebogging #welcome home speculation #wh speculation #i do think his heart is in the right place. i do think he's trying to achieve something he thinks is good & best for everyone #but... despite being aware of more than his friends... technically knowing more Truth than them #he's more trapped by that knowledge. he's ruled by it. and he doesn't really have the - #i dont want to say capacity bc i have to believe that he Can change. he just doesnt know how / currently doesnt want to / is too scared to #but he doesn't have the freedom the others have. bc in their ignorance they can ignore their confines #in a way they're more real than wally despite living in a fabricated world as fabricated people with fabricated lives #they're authentic in their ignorance #and ive said it before and ill say it again - wally was created as a blank slate while everyone else already had a Foundation #no matter how false their memories are they Have them. they have the tools to change and want change #they already perceive themselves as more than what they were made for. they think they're People (not humans - people) dont they? #so if they learn theyre trapped... they'll want out. meanwhile wally is already stuck bc while they have - in a way - More #the neighborhood & the show are all wally has. he knows there's outside but he doesnt have any reason to Want that outside #bc why would he want to leave home? why would he want anything to change? it's his sole purpose isnt it? #idk i just think wally would benefit from being told 'you dont need a purpose / you dont need to adhere to a purpose / you are enough as Yo #doing what You want. you can just Be' #but yk. what was i talking about again #oh yeah - wally is so so aware and yet so in the dark #he's got one half of the puzzle but they're all corner/edge pieces and he's trying to fill the inside space with Nothing #hm. i wonder if he'll end up needing the other neighbors to help finish the puzzle... who's to say who's to say!! #FUCK YOU TUMBLR I HAD MORE TO SAY. CUT OFF AGAIN AGH

[nikatyler]

missed his lighter hair era a bit

#ts4 #sims 4 #the sims 4 #sims #simblr #breeze nsb legacy extra #oc: ross #for those who weren't here abt 5 years ago #he was turned as an older man so his hair was a bit lighter colour #but he 'got younger' during the transformation #well his hair stayed. and he has a tiiiiny little bit of wrinkles. just a little bit barely noticeable but he has them (and i love that btw #then he got burnt to ashes lol what a time #and when he was brought back for some reason the game gave him his original haircolour #which i'm not complaining about bc it's such a nice colour. one of my faves #but the lighter hair was a vibe too #he also really pulls off black imo but he never canonically had black hair. not even dyed #blonde was a vibe too. i think he briefly had that after i accidentally deleted the recolour and then put in the wrong one lol #did i ever bleach his hair for a picture to like really pale blond white or something. don't think so. well. well... #you know what's coming your way soon because of course it is #for reasons. iykyk #listen it's canon that every media that has a vampire in it that i'm obsessed with ross is also obsessed with. soooo yeah

[wowitsverycool]

sometimes when i look at siffrin being suspicious due to having a terrible time i have to remind myself that my reaction shouldn't be "i would simply be better at lying" and should instead be somewhere along the lines of telling the truth. but i wouldn't do that

#i would be soooo good at coming up with things that make sense to them and make them stop bothering me #you don't say nothing's wrong when someone's concerned about you that's emotion bottling 101 #you can't say something that opposes them if you want them to drop it you have to pretend you're giving them the answer #that they wanna hear so it doesn't feel like you're challenging them #I Would Be So Good At Being Normal I'd Be So Perfect At It #Surely I Would Not Regret Being So Normal And Perfect About it #isat spoilers

[weidli]

meta is such a good episode for the rubin & karow dynamic so far. "kriegen wir das hin, nicht nur kollegen zu sein? sondern ... kumpels oder sowas? irgendwann?" "sicher. gerne. aber heute glaub ich nicht mehr, oder? ihr essen wäre nichts für mich." "sie wissen gar nicht, was es gibt." "nudeln mit tomatensoße?" and " wenn ich das jetzt mache, dann stecken wir beide mit drin. dann gibts kein zurück mehr." "ich bibbere vor angst." and "sie werden nicht locker lassen, oder?" "sie können mich ja melden." "nein." "also glauben sie mir doch?" "ganz sicher nicht. aber irgendjemand muss auf sie aufpassen. und der idiot bin leider ich."

#they're soooo special to me you see #berlin episodes are just like: #karow: says something crazy that no other human being would suspect yet alone believe and yet he is inevitably going to end up #being right about once again #everybody else: karow what's wrong with you. stop that. #karow @rubin: do YOU believe me #and nina says no and means i hope to god you're wrong but against all my common sense i'm starting to believe you're right #and then they're both disasters at life in general and it's really good #do i ship them? questionable. is it really fun to watch them together? absolutely #tatort berlin 2: bisexual boogaloo #should i change my new berlin tag to tatort berlin 2: bisexual boogaloo #hm i'll think about it #(edit: i shall <3)

[im-smart-i-swear]

coming back home.

@barrenclan

#patfw #patfw fanart #patfw spoilers #rainhaze #THE NEW ISSUE. IT SURE WAS AN ISSUE HUH. I AM NORMAL. SO NORMAL IN FACT #THAT I REDREW A PANEL OF THE COMIC IN MS PAINT #i need someone to put this horrid beast down already. he needs to DIE i am not joking. euthanise him. please. #he is soooo fascinating. #i CANT get over his expression in this panel. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM #hes smiling .is it a genuine smile? is he smiling bc he knows how this is going to go and all he can do is laugh now? #why. why why why the smile. at first he looks shocked or surprised or terrified but THEN it turns into this playful soft grin. as if full o #nostalgia. or maybe grief. or maybe joy. he looks like he knows something we dont. #did he accept that his family is going to get wiped out (HIS FAULT HE KILLED HER HE RIPPED HER THROAT OUT) and is just happy he got to see #them one last time? #this is so weird. before killing asphodel he was so terrified of meeting them. of facing his past and acknowledging what he became. #is him smiling a symbol of him giving up? becoming part of defiance? hes not running away anymore. he doesnt have to. #jesus. #my art #wanted to make him look as fucked up as i could. i hope he looks like a corpse or perhaps a starved dog to you

[the-knife-consumer]

Forgot just how upsetting gloomed korok forest is

#idk. just this one sanctuary that was different from the rest in that all of these spirits only link and a few others #can see are offering you help and safety. care uniquely for you. a bed for YOU. YOUR sword. kept safe for 100 years for YOU. #thrown together shops just for YOU because nobody else goes here or even knows it exists. #and then you return and the people who cared so much about you dont even speak to you anymore #they cant speak. they just stand there #idk korok forest made me feel the most like i fucked up somehow #rito village was bad but still livable. if things got any worse then they would have to abandon home until it settled #but no one was in immediate life threatening danger #gerudo was really REALLY bad and people were in danger. just all crammed inside a bunker. no going into town because your #home doesnt belong to you anymore #and then the zora were ... idk felt the least pressing even though it definitely should be bc like. they breathe water. #if the water is gross theyll die. but idk something about how it was executed felt less terrible #maybe they outwardly expressed more hope? idk. same with the gorons didnt feel like there was a pressing threat #but korok forest is fucking AWFUL. god #idk. nobody in hyrule talks about it because they dont know there are people there. nobody else can see them so nobody knows #somethings wrong. with no lead into it finding korok forest the way it is just feels soooo much worse. #idk. on my first playthru i kind thought i fucked up and shouldve gotten there sooner. #it just feels like no matter what youre too late and its your fault

[indigodawns]

.

#these are just some thoughts re: friendship as a result of tonight that i need to jot down somewhere but #realising that i really do have a strict and set idea of Good Friend(ship) and what that entails to me #and id written people off bc i wasn't yk ~receiving love or friendship the way id prefer and i was angry with them for that/hurt about it #did i communicate that to them though? nooo. was i fully right in that? also no. like just bc i felt unheard didn't fully mean #that they were doing something wrong. they were trying in their own way (and sometimes they weren't really or it just wasn't nice) #but that's about how we match and how we communicate right? this is so silly that's so basic but it never fully clicked for me like this #i was blaming them for stuff and building up resentment without ever expressing that (and i still haven't yk dhshsjd) #and i think where i went ~wrong was in thinking that bc i felt that way they weren't ~giving me what i need #when it's like... but did i pick up on the ways in which they DID appreciate me and show me love etc? did i give them ANYTHING to work with? #(ok yes occasionally but also... tangent but i was watching a variety show and they were teasing woozi about how #he gives interviewers/hosts literally nothing to work with. like no extra information for them to ask about or tease him for or anything #and i was like ohhhhhh. yeah i do do that sometimes with friends and it's genuinely smth i don't really know how to do like #giving casual information (but not too much and not too little???) so they can then ask questions etc. so then if im like ughh #they never ask (the right) questions or show interest (or let me talk but that's a different thing dhsjdjd) it's like... #well do i give them the chance to? much to think about thank you woozi) #anyways where was i dhsjsnsnsjns idk but it's soooo annoying that i haven't figured this all out yet #but im slowly letting go off a bunch of resentment that has truly no business being here and im trying to self reflect and all that #and im honestly doing so shit some days but others days it's? finding stuff that matters to me on a deeper level ig? #and all of it really does pale in the face of multiple genocides and it's. but yk. if i want to keep fighting #i need to build a strong foundation and sort my shit out as well and be present so im really really trying #and beating my stupid stupid depression and brain with a stick until i get there

[frecklystars]

He is so handsome!!!! He is so handsome!!!!! My sweet boy!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺 My Ken is so handsome and for WHAT!!!!!! To give me a heart attack???? god!!!!!! look at his smile!!! he is everything to me!!!! I'd be holding his hand the entire time, telling him how beautiful he is... I'd give him a tour of every city if it meant I could look at my boyfriend's smile all damn day and know it's all for me 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💞💓💖💖💗💓💞💕💕💟💝💞

#TO BE SO CLEAR: I AM TALKING ABOUT THE CHARACTER #don't get me wrong. the actor is handsome. i will scream to the heavens how hot ryan is #but just to clarify i would not point at a real life celebrity and call him my boyfriend sdljfsdfdf #well maybe i would but in a joking way. you know what i mean. anyway #love notes #ken #💕 I'll fight for you!! - ̗̀🐎🏖️✨ ̖́- #THE THIRD ONE. OH GOD #i want him to look at me that way. SO fondly. SO softly #THE FIRST ONE GOD FUCKING DAMN IT #thats such a good full body reference for this costume. outfit? costume? outfit #it's probably my favorite outfit he wears. if i had to pick one #i love all of them so dearly but something about this one makes me feral #like just something about it. i gotta have him i NEED him so badly #second favorite is his outfit he wears when he's playing the guitar for barbie #he's so hot!!! in everything!!! i also love his sailor outfit i think he looks so cute in white pants #and the clothes he wears when he accepts his nobel prize in horses... hooo #god i wanna kiss him so so so soooo badddd #i hope he would wanna kiss me too 😭 im still a little shaky on feeling loved by f/os after what happened to me #but i wanna imagine he'd still love me. i'd do anything for it ;_; #i'll be anything he wants me to be if i can just be worthy #in the future i wont question if im worthy of love anymore. but god damn for a while im gonna be hurting a little bit #i love him so so so much and most of the time i feel like he loves me too ;_; i rly rly hope he does #i miss him. ughh god fuck #gotta go see this movie again... i saw it yesterday but that was YESTERDAY #need to see it my next day off. it's still thankfully playing in theaters

[lhrry]

x

#Hey so where i’m at: if they put up the unforeseen circumstances sentence on the website they should put it on lthq social media #the fans are at least owed that #there may never come a satisfying explanation and while i too have a few speculations as to what may be happening in my mind i just hope #it’s nothing personal that’s happened and is more business/ #/career/industry issue than personal one and i know that this can’t have been an easy decision and whatever’s happening they may be trying #to find a way to handle it or spin it rn and louis does deserve privacy if something is wrong (instead of people vaguing about it #all over sm :-)) #at the same time the fans were looking forward to this for such a long time they can’t get refunds rn they’re devastated and they are #fighting amongst each other and speculating and asian fans are literally being attacked and that’s wrong and there is a level of #responsibility lthq has towards them even as towards customers and people who give them their money ok #so if all they can say is the unforeseen circumstances thing ok but put it up on social media matt vines what the fuck are you doing #matt is supposed to be there to handle this for louis so that it does as little damage to him as possible esp if something is wrong #soooo

[cryptidjeepers]

Im not going to say specifics but theres so much 'through the grape vine' discourse on the internet that is so frustrating for a lot of reasons. But the most frustrating kind is the "baseless or otherwise unnuanced/overdramatic accusation of someone or something" that is either debunked, old and outdated or proven to be a much more complicated topic. But all most people will see is that first callout post and will internalize it as fact for years. Theyll continue to parrot it on other platforms whenever its mentioned and then outsiders will see that out of context and internalize that as well. Until its so far from the context and the damage is irreversible.

Or will take what might have been a understandable criticism but will turn it into a "this thing is irredeemablely bad and youre a bad person for liking it." If you so much as mention the thing you will have people saying "isnt this thing evil and bad?" Because of a tumblr post they read 5 years ago.

#its mostly just frustrating but ive seen this kind of discourse literally weaponized against small artists #because the people that hate them know followers and outsiders will take that inital accusation as fact and will probably never see #any retraction if one is even provided #like i still see people commenting on the dream daddy situation because they remembered that one post years ago about something that wasnt #even that bad but know the game is dead because of it #i also saw this happened with an artist recently where accusations were made about them by people that dont like them #some of the accusations werent even a bad thing but spun as evil #and some of the accusations were literally malicious #but all people saw were the baseless accusations and turned against them immediately #i saw an Instagram post thaf mentioned them and op had to put 3 dif edits going from theyre problematic to oops they actuakly didnt do #anything wrong! #but the damage was done because they took some rando saying they were problematic at face value without doing any research of their own #the opposite is when theyre irrefutable evidence about someone but everyone ignores ot because they just like them soooo much #but thats a different post for another time

[brookheimer]

There's something else about Roman I've always noticed. Well, twice in Season 3. In episode 2 he says ironically the siblings are 20 something transgender dreamers, as in "we're obviously older cisgender non-dreamers", not touching upon their sexualities, and in episode 6 he says to Shiv when they arrive in the ultraconservative political conference that she'll soon get "white cis male stank all over you", not mentioning sexuality either. Like, if at least HE is present, gayness is assured, that's how I've always read it lol

yeah! i don’t think it’s, like, proof of anything like in my mind it’s less that gayness is assured if he’s there and more that jesse is deliberately leaving that part open-ended for all the siblings given that thus far all of them (barring connor i think) have had some pretty questionable same-sex interactions/other certain implications i must say. like idk i definitely don’t think roman would refer to himself as gay right now or maybe ever — i don’t think he’d refer to himself as any sexuality bc he doesn’t even know what’s going there, and until he undergoes a fuckton of therapy and unimaginable healing, i don’t think he’ll get there. personally i’m less in the gay roman camp than the ??????????roman camp like i honestly don’t think this man feels sexual attraction to people, but i don’t quite think he’s asexual either. i think he does feel sexual desire but not for specific people, more just generally or in relation to a power dynamic or a feeling more than anything else. but i do not think he ever looks at someone and goes “whew. they’re hot.” — i think he’s trained himself to bc he knows he’s supposed to, but innate attraction is something he’s never been able to comprehend. he’s never attracted to people so much as he is the relationship they have with him or the way that they view him. i think a lot of it depends too on whether you think he’s a victim of CSA or not which personally is a coin flip for me tbh — definitely possible, but i don’t think it’s the only explanation. he’s definitely too traumatized for intimacy but i don’t think that trauma necessarily has to be CSA, bc a lot of the shit we canonically know ab his childhood really adds up with his behavior in the present

sorry this got way outta control lol just thinking thoughts living life xx

#soooo many thoughts on roman’s sexuality and how for him it is inextricably tied to his sense of abnormality. that’s why it can’t be #gay or bi or straight — even being gay or bi is still a THING . like there’s a name for that. but w roman i think he fits into absolutely no #categories or labels. like it goes way beyond sexuality. he thinks there’s something fundamentally wrong with him like in his brain or his #dick or something that has crossed his pleasure sexuality etc receptors and made them go haywire. like he thinks there’s something so wrong #w him that there isn’t even a name for it that he’s the only one to ever experience it. like yes so much of roman comes back to love but i #think an equal amount of him comes back to abnormality too — his desperation to be normal and his deeply internalized sureness that he isn’t #like idk man. i just think if hr was something that was easily identifiable jed have a lot less issues. if he’s any distinct sexuality i’d #say asexual bc it’s the most Wrong in the roy family like even worse than homosexuality bc at least there you have sex. and all this family #knows how to do is talk about sex — literally every single situation is spoken about solely thru the language of fucking #but really i think it’s way too complicated to call it anything in particular bc so much of it has gotten confused by trauma #LOL sorry for ramble #asks #anon #succession #TW SA #casey shut the fuck up about roman roy #roman roy

[cinnamon-notes]

i have been ghosting my friends for idk a month??? and they have been doing the same??? except for when we meet in a workplace cuz somehow our jobs decided to cross over :)

#feeling so bad about it but like i cant bring myself to interact with people right now but i am also constantly sad because i dont interact #with anyone out of work :/ but working makes me socially exhausted & tbh all i wanna do is be depressed with my books & my movies &my tunes #but i also crave affection like i realize i have zero social life and i sometimes schedule some hangout with my friends but it's almost #become like idk a task? something i look at through work eyes. like- i arrange our hangouts the way i arrange work meetings. it's so sad. #i know it is. but still- i cant help it. through all my life ive been missing having a lifelong friend who knows me like the back of their #hands and i know like the back of mine. never had it. cant cry over that. it's passed. i cant invent lifelong friendships that never existed #and i gotta make peace with that. plus- what am i complaining about if im just incapable of keeping any friend for longer than a month??? #after the first month- maybe the first couple of months- it all gets boring and dont get me wrong i really love my friends but somehow they #lose interest in me and i lose interest in them and we become just people who know each other and occasionally hang out but like- i've never #had a friend who's there for me when things happen in my life. i've always had friends to tell things to afterwards. like- i know i cant #really pick up the phone and say “hey. im having a bad time. can we take a walk? talk on the phone? can you tell me about your day? can you #just be here for me?“ and i cant even idk just randomly pop up with a ”oh my god i hate him i hate him i hate him it's a whole montague vs #capulet but if romeo and juliet never existed kind of hatred!!“ i just cant vent right away. ive always thought that that's my problem. #and maybe it is. but still- how's come they can vent to me? im always there right away. i do love my people and i show up for them. #sometimes my depression makes it soooo difficult to hang out constantly but if there's one thing that cannot be said about mw is that i dont #care. cuz i do. and maybe that's the problem #and maybe it's just easier for me to care than let others care? idk? but then again- i did try to open up. i did try to let them care. i did #try everything by the book & off the book but still- idk it's always just an “im sorry” never an “i care so much to say more than im sorry” #and yeah it's my problem cuz i am not a constant person im not that steady in what i do. i still dont know if it's because i havent found #yet the people worth doing it or if i am just traumatized (my ex is knocking on this door lol) but- idk it makes me extremely sad!!! #and ive rambled on way too much but i jusg needed to let some things out of my mind cuz i cant understand whats wrong with me and why i #crave true friendships although im hella scared of and bored of and unwilling to nurturing one :) #cinnamon diary