#theyre two very different feelings.

[babydarkstar]

bi/lesbian solidarity is so important to me

#i dont love women differently because i also love men #theyre two very different feelings. #i already lean heavily towards female attraction. ive never even been with a man #but that also shouldnt matter tbh

[thesherrinfordfacility]

the thing that is actually making me giddy with the possible angst is that i really think that we are about to see the most monumental shift in not only how we saw these characters but also how they previously saw each other.

the fact that we literally now have confirmation that a) they knew each other before the fall, b) aziraphale has had heart eyes since before time began, and c) crowley... possibly not so much, completely changes the context on not just the eden scene but also all the historic scenes that followed.

aziraphale knew crowley as an angel, and knew even then when crowley was meant to be 'perfect' that crowley was maybe a bit different, always asking questions and toeing the line. maybe out of a bit of bastardy himself, or out of begrudging awe of his ability but also his audacity, or just plain attraction, aziraphale immediate takes to him. but this has meant that aziraphale has placed crowley, perhaps unconsciously, upon a pedestal. and the pedestal that aziraphale puts crowley on from that moment may have wobbled throughout their history together, but it's stayed relatively intact.

this worries me, that aziraphale may not have quite let go of the fact that crowley just isn't that person any more, maybe never was to begin with, and continues in some measure to idolise him. my interpretation of this is that yes, crowley can be a bit of a dick (because, well, obviously) and aziraphale knows this, has done since the beginning, but aziraphale continues to hold crowley to an overall moral ideal that is so firmly ensconced in aziraphale's first perception of him as an angel that crowley will never be able to live up to it. not because he isn't a nice person, or because he can't live up to it, but maybe... he just simply doesn't want to.

but the issue is that throughout the ages (including the job minisode which ive had corrected for me, so Crowley Anger is now simply simmering), crowley's actions have only reinforced to aziraphale that despite being technically a demon, he has a huge heart and is not a horrible person. bit of a bastard, but not cruel. all of this just feeds and feeds into this image of crowley that aziraphale has built of him, and when crowley has his flashes of, in fact, not being honourable or kind, this threatens to upset the pedestal altogether.

these wobbly moments - when he thinks crowley is going to kill the children, when crowley snaps at him in rome, when crowley first proposes the arrangement, the prospect that he came up with the french revolt, the holy water request, the bandstand, "how can someone as clever as you be so stupid?"... moments where just for a second, in a small or huge measure, aziraphale's faith in crowley... flickers.

and of course aziraphale has been here before, right? he's had his faith, his devotion, his loyalty tested to the absolute limit of angelic endurance. so when his faith in heaven (never lost it in god) was obliterated, well - it had to cling to something. something that wouldnt mean that aziraphale has to lose the concept of faith altogether. so we're back to the old standby of idolatry, that aziraphale's heavenly faith is replaced by his faith in crowley, this angel that despite never originally giving aziraphale the time of day, aziraphale cannot see - for all of crowley's faults and bastardy and the frustration he poses - crowley as anything less than something to be worshipped.

this is exactly why i think that one of the main points of s2 is going to be a rift between them both. obviously i haven't talked about crowley's perspective of this and maybe i will in another post, but i do think that crowley is going to do something, a bad thing for the right reasons, but aziraphale isn't going to see it like that. that crowley will do something awful to protect aziraphale, but all aziraphale will be able to see is the betrayal or the cruelty or the despair, he can't see wood for the trees, and just lose that last vestige of faith he had altogether.

i feel like once all the disillusion and disenchantment has been swept away, and they're both laid bare at each other's feet... that they may not quite like what they find. from aziraphale's perspective, that whatever crowley does in s2 might be crossing aziraphale's line in the sand, and now aziraphale is starting to see crowley as someone that is truly grey, fluctuating between doing things that are Good, and things that are Good for Crowley.

and it's not as if aziraphale was blind to this before, but instead now... he kind of finally sees who crowley is? who he has been all along? the film has lifted from his eyes. realises that love and worship are not the same thing. what he loves, who he loves, doesn't equate to worshipping it/them, idolising them. there's a very big difference that echoes down to the very core tenet of who aziraphale is and his experiences with having and losing faith, but love having remained.

so stripped of the pedestal, crowley is now just simply... crowley. a person, not an angel, not a demon. and there is the distinct possibility that aziraphale might be completely blindsided by what he finds.

#good omens #good omens season 2 #ill let you in on a secret - no idea where i was going with this #but what im essentially saying is that aziraphale has this shiny picture of crowley in his head and heart #and when crowley continues to do crowley things aziraphale kinda steps back and is like #“huh... has it been this was all along?” #and if I'm wrong well honestly THANK GOD #but i feel like there is going to be a real reckoning at the end of s2 where faith and love is concerned #that the two are very different but aziraphale kinda confuses the two #anyway #good omens spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #good omens... speculation? Sure why not #not a shitpost but its good omens babyyyy #im saying theyre in somewhat of a toxic and disillusioned relationship and its likely going to (temporarily) end v badly im afraid #rhi needs to stop manifesting

[aroaceleovaldez]

finally finished my project of collecting voiceclaims that are as close as i can find for my hcs of the main HoO cast - just for funsies so it's not as perfect as I'd like but whatever, it was a neat exploration and exercise of me trying to think of literally any franchise for voice actors.

Leo got two cause I had trouble of finding good clips for the voiceclaim that's closers to my hcs for him (the second half of his section). Also got to play the fun game of digging through my art for decent doodles of each character.

Also fun fact, I am almost completely unfamiliar with 3 franchises in this video and was just digging for voice clips on youtube. Try to guess which ones.

#pjo #percy jackson #riordanverse #video #headcanon #headcanons #my art #jason also gets two but theyre the same so it doesnt count. and its mostly just cause silly. i had to. #and before anyone asks - ''is that Scaramouche's VA with Leo-?'' yes but i have zero genshin knowledge #and the voice he does for Scaramouche isnt quite what i have in mind for Leo #also 2nd fun fact i briefly considered Vash for Jason but then i realized. same VA as Lio #as hilarious as it would be to have Jason and Nico share a VA voiceclaim i will refrain #Piper's is a bit higher than i'd like but Michiru definitely has the right energy for what i imagine for her #when her voice dips lower that's a lot closer to what i imagine. the energy is close enough though that im fine with the pitch difference #Percy's is very amusing to me. like yeah no Percy has Haru energy. that works out great #normal Haru or abridged Haru? you decide #that is genuinely SUPER close to how i picture his voice though. everyone forgets Percy is a lil monotone and intimidating sometimes #let him be quiet and brooding but his internal monologue is just ''LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICANE~ HERE IN~ DUCKBURG~'' #the voicelines in general are also just. so Percy. its so perfect im so pleased with that one #anyways. throws this into the ether #i might remake this if i can find closer voices - feel free to throw suggestions at me #also might try to make one for other characters if i can find good voiceclaims for them

[lollytea]

Tbh I think the Barbie movie handled its theme of existentialism better than the feminism.

#the feminism of the barbie movie is nothing new #its nothing you wouldnt have seen in a 2016 tumblr post #and in its efforts to platform the struggle of misogyny it unintentionally shrinks the issue of other forms of bigotry #like it IS about a cis conventionally attractive white woman and the prejudice that she applies to her #because shes a woman. so is not on the TOP of the privilege scale and is going to face bigotry as a result #like Greta Gerwig clearly wrote what she knew #and she didnt feel she was educated enough to touch any other topics #the mistreatment of women is a layered topic and it is a complex matter depending on the varied range of women in this world #queer women trans women women of colour #they dont all experience misogyny in the same way that Barbie does #so its definitely not a very rounded discussion #like even Gloria focuses entirely on the pressure of just women in general #like you can claim that shes speaking from her own experience but. its very mouthpiece-ish #her speech is for the purpose of whacking you over the head with the film's message #yknow i think the focus leans too heavily as ''look what we as girls have in common'' #but doesnt touch enough on ''but look how we differ too.'' a balance between those two concepts would have been nice #i feel like Sasha being like ''hell yeah white saviour barbie!'' was like a lazy acknowledgement that theyre AWARE of this issue #but like. theyre too deep into the script now #anyway yeah i was just thinking about this cuz of that gifset #Barbie feeling unsafe and being objectified in a public space #while Ken faces no issues whatsoever. even tho he is a loudly colourful flamboyantly dressed man on rollerskates #because we are going for a misogyny message here. so we need to poof homophobia out of existence for a bit okay?? #like this is basically what i mean. putting misogyny under the spotlight #and as a result quietly pretending other social disadvantages dont apply right now. bending reality to reinforce the message that we want #this isnt like. a scathing criticism on barbie btw. i dont have a film critic brain #im dumb and i love everything #also im really not the person whos qualified to talk about this #this is just some word vomit because i cant stop thinking about it #anyway i think the themes of what it means to be human and live and breathe fucked royally #i loved that stuff

[gifti3]

Im interested in a Demisexual MC and Asmo dynamic

I think asmos wanting to be loved for his personality instead of just his looks and body

And then mc not being able to be sexually attracted to someone without an emotional connection

It would be a very lovely match imo

#asmodeus x mc #asmodeus x reader #obey me asmodeus #i have two different scenes in my head #for when mc realizes they are attracted to asmo #one is when its the morning time and asmo calls out to them and they turn to greet him #and it hits suddenly almost out of no where when they see him all happy to see them #and theyre like....i forgot something #u dont have to wait up #and then they just go to hide and process in their room #the other scene is like theyre just talking about something at RAD #and asmo says something that makes them go...hmmm #and then theyre like ....wait wait wait #and theyre like omg i think i like this fool i-- #i think the dynamic is also interesting cause i like the hc that says the brothers can sense when someone is feeling/indulging in their sin #so asmo is like...what was that #mc: what was what? 😐 #i think it would be funny #cause it just happens and hes not expecting it at all since mc hasnt been feeling anything this whole time! #and it happens at a very mundane time #this has been in my head for a long time #writing ideas maybe #a lot of work so lets just imagine it in our heads lol

[dennisboobs]

Dennis says the L word

#i definitely didnt have this kicking around on my hard drive #iasip #it's always sunny in philadelphia #dennis reynolds #the genuine ones being within his daydream where he has been forcibly desexualized by losing use of his dick & actually falling in love #in mac's fantasy where he fucking dies and dennis was too late to say it #forced out of necessity by dennis' fear of abandonment by dee #spoken when he believes theyre in a life or death situation and hoping to connect with dee at the very end #telling his wife that he does not love her while looking to mac and then reaffirming this saying he's NEVER loved her #and of course while absolutely shitfaced and upset at the loss of his childhood stuffed elephant (and dee's betrayal) #ill be real. the second i heard him say a bunch of shit about feelings & how he loved the monkey in 15x4 i had to check to see who wrote it #it had been SO long................ like of course glenn is the one to bring it back. ok. #more of den saying he loves things plz #ada speaks #ada's videos #if you guys can think of any other times he's said it pleasssseeee let me know lol i tried #update: i added in a few more #left out the ones in 7x01 w him talking about loving no restrictions bc i wanted this to be abt him expressing Love to sentient beings #loving crack and loving a person are two different L words jskhbshn

[maypearlss]

nothing like abandoning a wip for like two years until all of the sudden your angry bisexual vampire wild west gunslinger with eddie vedder-esque daddy issues comes crawling back from the depths of your mind and demands for you to do something about it

#ig i have two weird western wips again #ive talked a bit about a&ud on here but not this one #this one predates my Writeblr Era TM #is this wip revival gonna be somewhat unrecognizable from its original conception? yeah #but in a fun way #also trying not to make this ones vibes too similar to a&ud bc theyre very different but i feel like that shouldnt be too hard #im rambling at this point #much thought #my thoughts #wip #weird western

[skrunksthatwunk]

so i read cyrano today. here's some parts i thought were funny in/out of context

cyrano's debut comes with bullying an actor he doesn't like offstage. two acts later he sends a band of musicians after him just to get them off his hands. he also tells them to tell this actor he sent them

and, of course, marmaladegate

#anyway i love cyrano lol #ive seen two different theater productions of it but this is the first time ive read it #anyway. ow. sad. but it's also very beautiful to me #cyrano #cyrano de bergerac #i didnt feel like taking pics of all the space travel methods but those were good. im fond of the magnet most of all i think #theres also bits like where he tells montfleury he's a full moon and after three claps he should eclipse himself #like if you're gonna be fatphobic at least be clever about it yk #plus i think it says more about cyrano's projection of his insecurities than anything else. kinda central idea to the play #i have no idea if these are funny out of context. it's a funny show though. i think seeing it really drives home the humor #kinda like seeing vs reading shakespeare. seeing the actors really breathes life into it #EDIT I FORGOT THE oh wait. an hour? psh PART THATS ONE OF MY FAVORITES. theyre so real for that tbh

[ghosttrolls]

HI I Love your Posts about trollhunters and Danny Phantom.

they are things i gad trollhunters is different form Danny Phantom

Jim only date one girl and everyone agrees that she is the best Choice for him.

and the main creator isn't a Dick.

but my Question for is if Dash were to become Like Steve was Expose the Ghost world Just Like him how do you think would've involved and this Time his memory stays Like Jez did.

Hi, thank you! Before I say anything else I would like to clarify that while I spend a lot of time comparing themes between the two shows, I don't really feel like one could replace the other - they're both so unique in their execution! Honestly, all the characters in both shows have personalities that couldn't be copied over between the two without the status quo of each show drastically changing. I don't really think of Danny Phantom and Trollhunters in terms of "Danny and Jim are the same person," but more like "Danny and Jim experience things that are interesting parallels of each other and I like to explore those narrative parallels," which I can understand being a kind of complicated distinction.

There definitely is a thing with both of these shows where they pick sort of Traditional Character Roles to some extent, like The Bully, The Hero, The Best Friend, The Romantic Interest, etc. So thinking in terms like that, Dash and Steve do fill kind of similar roles in their shows. I am pretty sure that Dash knows ghosts exist by the end of the show, even if you're writing off Phantom Planet (the final episode that people like to ignore happened). There's an episode where all the adults in Amity Park are brainwashed to go on a "cruise" which ends up just being a way for some ghosts to use them as a power source - but because the adults are brainwashed, the kids are the ones that have to save them, and Danny uses his parents' ghost tech to work together with all the other kids to fight the ghosts. This includes Dash. They all fight ghosts on the deck of a pirate ship, and Dash and Danny stand back to back as Dash says, "When I wail on you tomorrow, I'll be wailing on a hero. But I will be wailing on you." At this point in the show, Dash and other people know about and are fans of Danny Phantom... I don't think his memory gets wiped of the incident, but Danny does get in trouble for using the tech without asking and that makes him "lame" again in the eyes of the other high schoolers. I think that's meant to be the show's explanation for why it doesn't get brought up again later.

I'd love to consider what would happen if Dash had actually been more active within the ghost fighting community - I'm pretty sure he's one of those people who thinks it's "weird," so he'd probably need some convincing. But it would be super interesting if he learned that Danny was Phantom and joined the team! I'm not the first person to say this, but still. It would be cool. I did really enjoy in Trollhunters when Steve and Eli had just formed Creepslayerz but they were trying to keep it on the down low, and acted comically to cover their tracks. I imagine Dash would have to do something similar to keep his jock friends in the dark about Danny's secret... In general, DP never really gave us that big of a look into what Dash's life is like outside of school, other than throwing a party when his parents aren't around. If he joined the team in some way we'd be able to see more of his backstory and he'd become a much more fleshed out character!

And I know you didn't ask for my opinion on this, but I do wish that Steve had more development after the end of Trollhunters and 3Below. Like, he stopped bullying Jim and Eli, he got a girlfriend - and now we learn he's really scared all the time! And they make him kind of like a knight in Wizards but he's still like, terrified of everything, and bad at very simple tasks to an almost annoying extent. It makes me wonder if the trio really explained very much to him, because we didn't see any explaining happen on screen... and then it felt like they were hinting that Steve would learn some cool stuff from Lancelot, but that never happened. And WHY didn't Aja WARN HIM that he could become pregnant like that! That was so out of the blue too. I really liked how they had Steve develop as a character over the course of Trollhunters, so when he kind of stopped changing for most of the other TOA content, I was a little sad.

I guess this is just an appreciation post for bully characters that decide to become nicer. They deserve more love, for sure.

#ghostly posts #danny phantom #trollhunters #ask #theslayerbrother #theres definitely pros and cons between the two shows #generally trollhunters comes with better writing and pacing #most listings for dp have episodes out of order which doesnt help #with dp youve got a lot of lore dumps with hardly any explanation or elaboration #which i do feel leaves more room for fanworks to explore #trollhunters does come across to me as a better story with a stronger ending #and there's objectively less cringeworthy moments in TH #but also like. one of them is about ghosts and one of them is about trolls #they have different subject matter so ultimately the comparison cant go the full extent of saying theyre the same thing #cause they arent #they just coincidentally because of the 'teenage superhero' genre use similar tropes #and i like lookin at how those tropes apply to a world of ghosts #and a world of trolls.... two different things #i just also really love the strickler/vlad situations where theyre fighting the protag while the mom they wanna date is in the other room #very fun and silly even if the fight is serious sajgdhgsjh

[featherymainffins]

Now this might be because I have issues but is it just me or does Slay The Princess feel like an allegory for a relationship?

#like i dont even mean the actual textual stuff like the two gods loving each other i mean like #while the narrator himself does say that he is not the protagonist at all the voices do in fact count him as one of them and #both the narrator and the voices are described as shattered glass pieces on the floor #and im saying that just to contextualise what im about to say because i feel like the narrator is an echo of someone who was in #a relationship with another person and is trying to 'slay' the memory of this person and defeat death not only literally but #on a metaphorical level (as in the death of a relationship). if you do slay her you destroy her memory and in that way you do not know her #at all nor do you care to #and the routes would be the perspectives held by different parts of you. shes literally a being that changes based on who perceives her #but metaphorically thats just how people work isnt it? relationships are complicated and there is a part of you who sees someone as a razor #and there is a part of you who sees them as a damsel and another who sees them as a god etc etc #its like youre a person who is trying to make sense of the situation and; which is why the construct of the princess is made up of #several vessels called perspectives. you understand the whole of what you think only when you take apart all your perspectives; #and theres a you who isnt you anymore who doesnt want to do this. hes telling you to just destroy it. it was wholly wretched and wholly bad #and it changed which is a crime in itself. theres an echo of you. and theres you; built by this echo because thats how the self works #we are each our own god and we build ourselves. the different voices are like different parts of you #much like the vessels are the equivalent of the voices. theyre the finite confined perspectives; aspects of a whole person #and slaying her in this context would obviously mean literally just destroying the memory and deciding that change and all it brings #is an awful thing. though im not yet sure what the difference between leaving with the whole and between separating yourself #and leaving with just an aspect would be. #thats probably like the only thing thats kinda ruining this interpretation lol #oh and obviously a lot of the routes have like very strong relationship symbolism. specifically a lot of them feel like #scenes from a relationship that is falling apart. for example in the adversary and then the fury when you run away the dialogue #basically mimics a partner running away from a conflict and the other one destroying themselves because of it #witch and the thorn are both heavily Esop-coded and the text itself says that its about two people hurting each other even though they love #each other but both are afraid of the other one and of being vulnerable. thorn is about finding forgiveness in one another #and deciding to be better and love each other despite the hurt youve caused each other due to your problems #etc etc #like am i insane am i mental am i projecting?

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

what kind of cratures do you think the trigun gang would be?

CREATURES IN GENERAL OR SEA CREATURES. BECAUSE MY FRIEND MONTY N I WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT TRIGUN FURSONAS THE OTHER DAY. but i am the sea creature guy at heart so im gonns give u those i hope that is ok 😌 there are many benefits to being a marine biologist.

Vash: he is... so very shark coded to me. everyone looks at him and sees a dangerous killing machine. frequently covered in scars. do u see the connection here. he is specifically a thresher shark to me because of the whole sharpshooter thing and also the sad sad puppydog eyes 💙

Wolfwood: i am torn between two different types of eels for him. giant morays are more aesthetically pleasing but personally i have to go with a wolf eel both for the name and because ive worked with these guys before and theyre sooooo cool so im biased

Meryl: not technically a sea creature because she is just so bird coded to me. White-Tailed Tropicbird

Milly: is it cheating to have two cephalopods on this list. because i think i really want to say giant pacific octopus for milly. either that or a whale shark 💙 yes those are two completely different animals no i will not be taking criticism at this time

bonus Knives because i love him and i feel the most strongly about this one:

BOBTAIL SQUID.

... and also a bristle worm . for what i hope are obvious reasons

#NORMALLY THOUGH meryl is an egyptian plover #shes sooooo so very much an egyptian plover. hold on i made a post about that the other day ill reblog it again for u :] hehe #i worked at an aquarium last year and every time we would pull a bristleworm out of one of our tanks id be like ohhh my god its knives..... #i love every opportunity to push my sea creature knives agenda. hes so sea creature to me. hes so marine biologist to me. #OH MY GOD ALSO LIVIO. LIVIO IS A GOLIATH GROUPER TO ME . <3 #side note also . have you ever seen that picture of a hermit crab using a human skull as a shell #(<< the image is fake its photoshopped BUT) #thats legato. to me. except with a blueleg hermit crab. he is a blue leg hermit crab with a human skull for a shell #which is bullshit because i dont think legato deserves something that cool but alas it is unfortunately perfect for him #(<< this is /j i think legato is a cool and interesting character #i just think he has a punchable face and like 2 pretend i hate his guts cause its funny) #HI !!!! THANK U FOR GIVI G ME AN EXCUSE TO TALK ABT SEA CREATURES ILY <3333 #asks #madnessmadness #sorry if u meant like... actual land creatures. unfortunately i am the fish guy forever <3 #YES I REALIZE VASH AND KNIVES ARE TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT CREATURES AND THAT MAKES NO SENSE BC THEYRE TWINS #BUT LIKE. I FEEL SO STRONGLY ABOUT BOTH OF THOSE THINGS #i could be persuaded to make knives a shark if needed bc there are so many cool shark species i could assign to him #but like. hes just soooo bobtail squid coded to me ive been saying that since i first saw his fuckin. snuggie in tristamp

[cyberkiss2uu]

this is so self indulgent but i watched abd illustrates new video and i loved the fashion designer character soo much T_T Beau made me think of my own fontaine chara, Théo, who's like a .... performer lol? idk he does a lot of stuff... singing, dancing, theatre shows, events etc.. but i thought they would be fun together because Théo would probably seek out a fashion designer .. a lot ... if not for his productions then for his own personal wardrobe LOL

this is super rough omfg my apple pencil has been glitching like crazy lately.. can hardly draw for more than a few mins wout getting annoyed i have no idea whats causing it.. its not even old T_T maybe i dropped it too many times lol

OH MY GOD HIS LEG JUST CUTS OFF i forgot i was going to crop it um. i dont care thats too much work

#abd illustrates #genshin ocs #actually going off abd's own vision theories #i didnt rlly think about my vision choices for my ocs #but he was saying how he thinks hydro charas have very different personal and public personas/personalities yk #well the public literally thinks theo is two diff people LMFAO #which is funny because like how many blonde foxes are in fontaine ..? #ig they just think theyre twins or something ... lyney lynette effect #probably because they thing theo's stage persona is a woman #which hes fine w and kinda thinks is funny but hes also just kinda meh about his gender #hes so pretty i need 2 draw him more #i also kinda want 2 redesign him T_T he doesnt feel very genshin-y #idk ill work on it #sigh #genshin impact #genshin fanart #fontaine oc #abd illustrates fanart #jammy ocs #jammy fanart

[zapsoda]

lol

#im not scared of bugs if i see them anywhere but the inside of my house #unfortunately i only see roaches in two different places. public schools. or my house #and once theyre in my house i feel no guilt in killing them because i dont want them breeding #i would feel a lot more comfortable if they simply stayed out of my sight forever #all this to say i was just about to shower but i dont feel very comfortable doing so anymore #because i saw a roach and before i had a chance to kill it it disappeared behind a shelf #this poses a dilemma #i am very unhappy #how are there people who are just not afraid of them #no matter what i do they create a visceral subconscious feeling of discomfort within me when i see them in my house #and theyre so fucking big #and fast

[forcefeminem]

"squidbob dynamic is when one is nice and one is a tsundere" you can't even begin to understand how insane squidbob is

#our post comrade. #we havent even begun to delve into how theyre both obsessed with and weird about each other but in two wildly different ways #squidbob saturday #they are also coworkers. you guys know how strongly i feel about coworkers. its the modern day warriors bond #and how in a very meta sense squidward can't actually ever leave because he's tied to the show itself. and the show is spongebob. #without sponge bob there is no squidward. #and the story can never actually go anywhere. so it will always go back to the way it was

[toastsnaffler]

ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.

#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out #not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her #like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool #it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun #i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again #but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too #to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together #thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything. #and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all #like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing. #im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad #and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do #and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends #im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for #but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen #to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it #i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and #decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space' #when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen #and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree #but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most #and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen #and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway #so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me #which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its #crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it #idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her #i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of #resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different #and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has

[no-thanks-bro]

Ah, the consequences of my actions. Fuck off

#procrastination strikes again. i missed the deadline for a very important scholarship because I wasted so much fucking time #lamenting over it instead of just getting it done #how the fuck do i explain that to my parents? they'll hate me more than they already do #but its basically free money so if I don't get it theyre gonna know #and i feel guilty pretending i did hand it in on time #im just. i keep doing this! why do i keep doing this in an endless fucking loop #serves me right I guess idk #acting like an idiot only gets you so far in life. fucking hell #what do I even do? i just want to cry #and it would've been entirely preventable #I had my answers ready and made sure to get my transcript and had it all there and then i forgot. i forgot that ontario is in a different #timezone and that waiting until the last hour would already be two hours too late #:( #silver fucks up (again)