#this is insightful as hell and makes me so scared for s3

[wheelercore]

Wheeler Family s3 Color Symbolism

What the hell was going on with the Wheeler family color symbolism in season 3- once you see it you cant unsee it and its driving me insane lol. So I'm making this post. It was clearly showing that mike is having tween relationship problems and how those problems can manifest into Serious Big Adult Problems when applied to his parent’s relationship because their individual influence on him.

Anyways- lets start with Karen.

She spends most of the season in outfits that are either yellow or have yellow accents. However, interestingly enough, when she’s about to cheat on Ted with Billy, she's completely in red- with blue accents (her earrings and her belt).

This is one of the few times, if not the only time this season we see Karen wear red in such a way. I don't really think its meant to symbolize love, per se. Karen doesn't love Billy. She lusts for him, sure, but she doesn't hold any emotional attachment to him. Personally what it means to me is freedom. Karen is trying to regain what autonomy she lost growing up as a young woman in the 50s-60s and how she settled for Ted because of how the world "beat her down" as she tells Nancy later on. Now, as I'll get to later, this meaning doesn't exclude love. To others *cough cough* mike *cough cough* it could mean the freedom to love.

Her blue accents, however, tells the story of what's holding her back from her freedom- Ted. He's in a lot of blue this season, and I'm not surprised to see that its a color that lingers on Karen in this scene. Because Karen doesn't love Ted romantically, but what is holding her back from her freedom is the security that he provides. Not only is he the breadwinner, Karen cheating on Ted would tear their family apart- leaving emotional scares on Holly in particular with her being so young (and part of why Karen stays).

But its not only Karen with the colors of their significant other on them in this scene-

Teds socks. Blue (Ted), yellow (Karen), and green, which is the two colors mixed. A reminder to Karen of their marriage.

Its hard to say that this means anything for Ted himself since we never get any insight into his inner thoughts. Ted's POV simply Doesn't Exist (which is VERY similar to how Mike's POV has been sorely lacking in s4).

But lets get back to Karen.

As mentioned before, for the rest of the season Karen is in a lot of yellow, particularly this scene the day (?) after she chooses not to cheat on Ted:

Her swimsuit- that she previously flirted with Billy in- is being worn over by a yellow dress (with red flowers). Imo, the yellow is meant to symbolize holding oneself back and lies/dishonesty/secret desires. Not to rag on Karen or Mike, just an objective observation. Karen is no longer free in her red.

This scene is great because it really is in your face about how Mike and Karen are in similar situations relationship-wise.

Mike lies to El about why he can't spend time with her anymore. Karen, despite not it being shown explicitly (I think lol I only skimmed s3 a second time), probably lied to Ted about where she was going that night and who she was going with. Both Mike and Karen are shown to lie to and betray those that they are in a relationship with.

While Mike's lie is comic relief and basic teen boy shenanigans, what we are being shown is the beginning of a relationship not built on trust, honesty, and love- and how it manifests in an adult marriage.

The end scene when Karen hugs Mike is important

Karen and Mike are in the same situation- realizing that they don't love their significant other but decided to stay with them regardless because that's what's expected of them. Neither of them are aware of what the other is going through but still Mike goes to his mother for comfort and Karen gives it. Also notice how Karen is wearing three colors in the end: a lot of red, some yellow, and some blue. Karen still yearns to be free, but is still lying to herself by staying with Ted.

Its critical that Karen was in both of these scenes in the beginning and the end. These are the two scenes that parallel her own situation these most.

Anyways some more of yellow Karen before I move on lol:

(I believe in the second image Karen also has a tiny sliver of red on her shirt).

Now lets get onto Ted

This section is going to have some assumptions in it because honestly was goes on in Ted Wheeler's mind is an enigma to me. So I hesitate to say anything definitive. Lets jump to comparing him and Mike:

Mike wears a blue outfit incredibly similar to what Ted wears to the fair. The most standout scene I came across from when Mike was wearing this outfit as it relates to his relationship/sexuality woes was the men's sauna scene, the iconic Mike-has-a-gay-panic scene.

The most interesting thing about the way the sauna scene is shot is that you see Mike never look at the men in the locker room leading up to the full frontal assault when he opens the door. Its almost as is he's deliberately, yet casually, looking away until its shoved into his face. Oh, and the men lifting the weights- *looks at s4 wrestler scene* why is that constantly following Mike around xD?

And also, a casual sidenote, look at Will wearing red stripes? As he repeatedly for the rest of the season, including here:

Something something Will in red representing Mikes yearning for his freedom to love him without societal consequence something.

Now going back to Ted and Mike's outfit- remember the 'see what happens?' line from s1? How Mike looked ashamed after staring when he opened the door at the spa? In my opinion blue (this shade in particular) is shame, repression, and conformity.

This makes sense for both characters, Mike may be gay and suffering from internalized shame and a need to be ''''normal''''. He's avoiding his thoughts and why he doesn't like girls. He's repressing himself to conform.

Meanwhile, everything about Ted screams conformity. He's a middle class white republican dude in a small town in Indiana. He (at least outwardly) doesn't question authority. He does what he's expected to do societally (be the breadwinner) while doing nothing more than that (emotionally neglecting his children in the process).

But also its important to remember that historical trends matter a lot in ST and Ted is a member of the Silent Generation.

... which is kind of against the whole theme of ST.

What we see here is Ted's influence on Mike. The "see what happens" line is particularly interesting, because while extremely homophobic and victim-blamey - its the perfect way in which Ted would be homophobic. Not yelling slurs or being obnoxious about it, but by being cautionary. See what happens when you stick out? When you make yourself seen outside the already socially acceptable structures? People will hurt you and you will be asking for it because you could have just chosen to keep your head down and not rock the boat.

(And you also see it in the way Ted belittles Mike repeatedly, indirectly and directly. "Mike with a girl?" and calling Mike's D&D club a high school drop outs club. He is one of the active people in Mike's life who causes Mike to to feel shame for the things he enjoys/ loves. But I don't think its a case of Ted being deliberately cruel, I think its a case of a parent perpetuating the same abuse onto their child that was perpetuated onto them, because they never unlearned it. Ted does this a lot- think of when he suggests in s4 that the sheriff threaten Dustin, Lucas, and Max with jail time to loosen their lips. In Ted's mind, it was perfectly acceptable to threaten to throw a child for night in jail if they are disobedient. However, us the watchers and even everyone else in the room in the 80s reacted with revulsion at the thought of doing that. Ted seemed shocked by this, probably because it was such a normalized thing to do when he was growing up, corporal punishment in the 50s and all that).

It makes me wonder if Ted has personal experience with such things, because if one thing was established between Karen and Nancy in S3 it's that Ted isn't brave or risk-taking and it defines so much of how he presents himself. And how much of that fear of sticking out he has passed down to Mike through his upbringing (which we see him rebelling against in s4).

Also I personally believe, just as much as how Karen was pressured into marrying Ted, Ted was also pressured into finding a wife and starting a family as he got older, hence their marriage being one of convenience rather than love ("I don't think my parents ever loved each other").

Mikes justification to Will for dating El is that he needs to grow up and get a girlfriend already. Sound similar? I wonder who he picked that up from.

It's about how conformity put both of them in a loveless relationship where they are completely emotionally checked out. It's the cycle of being completely miserable in life that Ted pressures Mike into, that he himself was pressured into.

I don't want to discuss s4 in this post all that much (because I don't have screenshots lol), but it's also very telling how they completely double down on Mike-Ted parallels in s4 when it comes to Mike and El's relationship. And it really isn't just clothes/ color symbolism and the dinner scene- the lack of Mike's POV is also a parallel to Ted hardly having a POV throughout the whole show.

Also, interestingly enough, Ted does wear some red to the fair- his pants has red stripes. It's much less noticeable, but it's there. Could possibly be tied to Ted putting aside his discomfort for once and getting on the rides to make his daughter and wife happy. Or perhaps there is a small part of him that desires to break out of this conformist system.

Finally, we get to Mike.

Towards the end of the season, before two month the time skip, Mike puts on a third outfit:

And this one is a combination of the last two. The yellow stripes (Karen; holding ones self back/dishonesty) and the light blue (Ted; repression/conformity) . It's in this same outfit he attempts to tell El that he loves her- but can't get it out completely. He tried to do it however because he thinks it's what he's supposed to do (blue) but it would be a lie/dishonest (yellow).

Also to mention again, Will is wearing red accents all throughout this part of the season also.

He's real object of Mikes desires, whom, if Mike was free to love whomever he wanted, he would choose.

All in all, s3 had such a large focus on Mike's inner turmoil as it relates to him recreating his parents relationship in his own with El. He lies to El, directly paralleled to how Karen is dishonest with Ted as a result of their empty marriage that is not built on trust and love. El breaks up with Mike (comically) as a result of learning about his lie. But on a more adult scale, this would have probably also happened with Karen and Ted if he had learned of the attempted cheating. There is no active resolution to Mike and El's woes as there is no active resolution to Karen and Ted's problems either. A m*leven break up in s5 my opinion, is closely tied to the probability of a Ted/Karen divorce, which is very likely.

Mike actively represses himself and seeks to conform, caused by Ted who puts pressure onto him to do so most likely because that's what was perpetuated onto Ted as he was growing up. How Ted ended up in a half assed marriage and family that he's checked out of, and how that would be Mike's future if he doesn't change course- and knowing s4 and the cultural (more liberal) change in society in the 80s during which Mike is coming of age, it's the perfect backdrop for him to break out of that cycle in s5. And because of that I'm very interested in seeing Mike come out to Ted in particular.

#stranger things #mike wheeler #ted wheeler #karen wheeler #byler #(slightly) #as you can tell im very interested in mike and teds relationship bc its fascinating to me. i love the cycle of conformity angle to it. #kinda insane about them tbh

[inevitably-johnlocked]

heeeey any insecure!john?

Hi Nonny!

Ahhhh, you know I’ve collected fics over the years but I’ve mixed them up with the Sherlock ones, so I think I’ll start anew and start fresh! I know I’ve missed a lot when I pulled them out of the old lists, so forgive me! Hope you enjoy what I’ve got here for you!

As always, Lovelies, please add your insecure John fics!!

INSECURE JOHN

See also:

BAMF! But Insecure John

Insecure / Awkward John or Sherlock (Jan 2019)

Concussions And Good Old Fashioned Awkwardness by Belldere (K+, 894 w. || Humour, Hospitals, Mild John Whump, Misunderstandings, Platonic Relationship, Concussions, Not-Gay John, Possessive Sherlock) – When John lands himself in hospital... again, all he wants is to just get out of there as soon as possible, too bad his doctor has other ideas about where John may be getting his injuries. Good thing concussions make everything strangely funnier.

I Was Wrong by AllesandraQuartermaine (K, 1,496 w., 1 Ch. || TGG AU, Friendship, Hospitalization / Injury, John’s Self Esteem, Sleepy Sherlock) – Sherlock and John have a conversation a few days after the pool face off with Moriarty. And John hears something quite surprising.

Hell or High water by bluefire301175 (E, 2,250 w., 1 Ch. || PWP, Frottage, Alley Sex, First Person POV John, Case-ish Fic, Mutual Pining, Bed Sharing) – John wants. Sherlock wants. Plain and simple.

Not My Proudest Moment by charlock221 (K, 2,695 w., 1 Ch. || Lunar New Year, Mild PTSD / Panic Attack, Coping Mechanisms, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort) – John tries his best not to get in the way of Sherlock's cases, but when the vivid noises of fireworks unnerve his senses and begin to bring back unwanted memories of Afghanistan, he cannot help but to hope Sherlock will notice and help him before things go too far.

Closeted by Sexxica (E, 2,762 w., 1 Ch. || Trapped in a Closet, Panicking Sherlock, Hand Jobs, Coming in Pants, Awkward Conversations, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Fluffy Ending) – An improvised hiding spot and a bit of accidental voyeurism leave John and Sherlock in an awkward position.

The General Idea by agirlsname (T, 3,022 w., 1 Ch. || Retirement, Promise of Forever / Proposal, POV John, First Kiss, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Soft Sherlock, Idiots in Love, Crying / Emotional Sherlock, Love Confessions) – After twenty years of friendship, John is used to Sherlock acting weirdly. But the news Sherlock finally brings himself to deliver change the carefully built dynamics between them, and John realises it's time to act.

Paranoia by Ewebie (M, 3,789 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Drinking Games, Scotland Yard Gang, Jealous / Possessive Sherlock, Inappropriate Questions, Embarrassed John, Matchmakers) – John and Sherlock join the gang of Scotland Yard for a night of drinking, and it gets a bit personal and revealing.

Coldness/Heat by agirlsname (E, 3,790 w., 1 Ch. || Cuddling & Snuggling, Body Heat, New Year’s Eve, PWP, Bedsharing, Frottage) – The inn is booked up on New Year's Eve. The train home is cancelled because of the snow. The only option is to sleep in the non-heated guest room of a client, and John and Sherlock are freezing. You know where this is going. Part 1 of New Year's Kiss

The Oolong Disaster by unicornpoe (T, 4,151 w., 1 Ch. || John’s Beard, Fluff, Humour, Frustrated Sherlock, John Takes Care of Sherlock, Case Fic-ish, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss, Possessive Sherlock) – John has a beard. Sherlock has a panic attack.

Afghanistan in Baskerville by Amaya Ramiel (K+, 4,357 w., 1 Ch. || THoB Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Drugged John, PTSD / Panic Attack, Hallucinations, Worried Sherlock, John’s Past, Friendship) – What if John hadn't seen the hound when Sherlock trapped him in the lab? What if instead, his very real nightmares of the war had materialized all around him? Trapped and drugged, John can't tell what's real and what's not. How will Sherlock react?

Overture by Kate_Lear (M, 4,435 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Angry John, Introspection, Dev. Rel., Embarrassed / Insecure Sherlock, Morning After, Bed Sharing, Cuddles / Limpet Sherlock) – A short snippet on how John and Sherlock might have got together.

What You Are Worth by Lastew (T, 4,488 w., 1 Ch. || Observant but Insecure John, Friendship, Crime / Case Fic) – John helps Sherlock with a case, but he questions his real value to Sherlock.  

Let Down by Gandalf3213 (K+, 4,505 w., 2 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, John Whump, Insecure John) – John truly is sorry for letting Sherlock down. The only thing he wanted to do was finish the case, but bleeding out in a dark alley makes it harder for him to pursue that murderer running out of sight.

Sherlock and John Go Clubbing by wendymarlowe (E, 4,716 w., 3 Ch. || Clubbing, Dirty Talk, Dancing, Coming Untouched, Coming in Pants, Bi John, For a Case, Friends to Lovers, Flirting, Sherlock is Lost for Words, Sexy John, Mutual Pining, Possessive John, Floor Sex/Hand Job/Frottage) – John pinched the bridge of his nose - even for Sherlock, this was a new level of no bloody boundaries. “You want me to go with you to a gay club, wait around twiddling my thumbs while I let you get pawed by a criminal, then out-flirt him and talk you into coming home with me instead?” Part 32 of John and Sherlock's Kinky First Times

Pillow Talk by scullyseviltwin (M, 5,183 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3, Angsty Fluff, Pillow Talk, Bed Sharing, Worried John, First Time Morning After, Soft Sherlock, Sexuality Discussion, Love Confessions, Kisses and Cuddles) – John has been looking at Sherlock for ages, it feels like.

Welcome Home, John by slashscribe (G, 5,504 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Awkwardness, Stabbed Sherlock, Protective Sherlock, Panic Attack (Sherlock), Self Esteem Issues, Love Confessions, First Kiss) – When John moves back to 221B, he thinks he’s the broken one, but after a while, it becomes clear that he might not be correct.

An Interpretation of Viewing Habits by akitsuko (E, 6,653 w., 1 Ch. || Porn Watching, Masturbation, Anal, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Declarations of Love, Jealous Sherlock, Fantasizing, John in Denial / Internalized Homophobia, Bottomlock, Pining Idiots, Sherlock Has No Boundaries, Cockblocking Sherlock) – John watches porn. It's a perfectly normal thing to do.If every video he watches happens to feature actors with remarkable physical similarities to his flatmate, well, that's no one's business but his own. Or: John is in denial, until his infatuation with Sherlock is impossible to deny anymore.

Inconvenient Timing by TheMadKatter13 (M, 7,072 w., 1 Ch. || Omegaverse || Omega John/Alpha Sherlock, Romance, Public Heat, Scared John, Protective / Worried / Possessive Sherlock, Post-TBB AU, Caring Sherlock, Pre-Slash, Happy Ending) – When John's heat failed to appear three times in a row after he was shot, he figured it was just another broken piece off the broken toy soldier. So he was rather surprised to feel it start out of the blue...and not at all pleased with it starting while he was on the tube.

Sometimes When We Touch by kedgeree (M, 7,755 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Kiss/Time, Inappropriate Giggling, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Virgin Sherlock, John Whump, Touching) – John might be touching Sherlock a little more often than is strictly necessary. Sherlock probably hasn't even noticed. Right...?

Victim, Bait, Hero, Friend by KimberlyTheOwl (T, 7,887 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TGG Epilogue, Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Past Kidnapping / Torture / Implied Rape, Panic Attacks, Worried / Possessive Sherlock, Lestrade is a Good Friend) – Some insights into why John was perfectly willing to throw everything away for a chance to kill Moriarty at the pool. Trauma, ugliness, and finally healing. Some nice supporting work by Lestrade as well.

Every Night I Look for You by destinationtoast (E, 8,377 w., 1 Ch. || POV John, Post-TRF, Angst, Mystery, Unsafe Sex, BAMF John) – Every night, John looks for familiar hints of Sherlock in the men he meets in bars, and he does with them all the things he wishes he’d done before. Eventually, he stumbles into a situation that Sherlock would know how to handle, and John must decide whether he can handle it without him.

Just Like That by sussexbound (E, 8,442 w., 1 Ch. || First Time/Kiss, Frottage, Virgin Sherlock, French Kissing, Anal, Emotional Lovemaking, Enthusiastic Consent, Tenderness, Crying John, Bathing/Washing, Insecure John, Toplock) – John doesn’t want to talk anymore. He wants. Oh dear god, how he wants. For the first time in what feels like years he WANTS.

Unwasted by patternofdefiance (E, 8,966 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3 / S3 Fix-It, Developing Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Angelo’s, Fluff, First Time, Anal, Cum Play, Flashbacks to ASiB, Mutual Pining, Love Confessions, Bottomlock, Cuddles, Multiple Orgasms, BJ’s, Bed Sharing) – John finds it three months after he's moved back. He's on the hunt for something to make for dinner, is scrounging through the cupboards, when he happens upon the graveyard of pasta boxes Sherlock still seems to create when left to his own devices. Behind seven boxes of pasta, all almost completely empty, is a dark-glassed bottle, with a paler coat of dust. It's unopened. John's face falls slack when he sees it, instantly recognises it, and for a long moment he just stands and looks at it.

Ravish Me by amalnahurriyeh (E, 10,025 w., 1 Ch. || UST / RST, Makeup / Lipstick, Sympathetic Sally, Experiments, Pining John, First Kiss, Face Fucking / BJ’s, Cuddling) – Sherlock is experimenting with patterns of wear on lipstick in daily encounters. John is going to go insane.

A Is For Aftermath by ElvendorkInfinity (T, 10,567 w.,  1 Ch. || Injury / Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Pre-Slash/Bromance/Platonics, Hallucinations, Introspection, Insecure / Worried John, Big Brother Mycroft, Alternating POV, Anxious Sherlock, Self-Deprecating, Mildly Possessive Sherlock, 3G Moment) – John is still hallucinating, Sherlock cannot sleep, and Lestrade has a new case for them. But will life at 221B ever be able to return to normal? Epilogue to M is for Moriarty.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

On The Fence by BeautifulFiction (T, 13,770 w., 1 Ch. || Fencing, Case Fic, First Kiss, Insecure John, Pining John, Hug, Greg Finds Out) – The murder of the King's College fencing champion leads to revelations about Sherlock's past. Will it be the point that tips them from friends to lovers, or will they remain on the fence?

A Silver Sixpence by _doodle (NC-17, 16,400 w., 2 Ch. || LJ Fic || For a Case / Case Fic, Fake Relationship, Humour, Romance, Marriage Proposal, Awkward Idiots, Cuddling, Touching, Kissing, Love Confessions, Bed Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fake Until It’s Not, Schmoop and Fluff, Bottomlock) – “John, we need to get married. It’s for a case, not any romantic notions on my part pertaining to our partnership,” Sherlock said, with brutal honesty, and without even looking up.

Between Friends by SilentAuror (E, 18,036 w., 1 Ch. || Post S3, Alternating POV, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Abduction, Awkward Situations / Miscommunications, Porn With Feels, Blowjobs, Pining, Unrequited, Angst With Happy Ending) – Sherlock gets abducted. As John discovers him tied up naked in an empty storage facility and comes to rescue him, Sherlock's body has an unfortunate reaction which triggers a series of events. John is convinced that everything will be fine as long as they never discuss it. Sherlock isn't as sure...

Division by MrsNoggin (E, 19,542 w., 11 Ch. || Coffee Shop AU || First Kiss/Time, Fluff, Barista Sherlock, Clingy Sherlock, POV John, John’s Limp, Bed Sharing, Fluff, Sleepy Cuddles, Sensuality, Touching, Virgin Sherlock, Insecure John) – John likes mysteries. And every morning he dips into the local independent coffee bar with his newspaper and ponders another... one Sherlock Holmes.

A Life Well-Lived by Kate_Lear (E, 20,121 w., 1 Ch. || Original Male Character, Sherlock Woos John, Jealous Sherlock, Reluctant Bi-John, Past Abuse, Insecure John, Reassuring / Caring Sherlock, Protective Sherlock, Understanding Sherlock) – John got scared off men by an abusive past relationship. Sherlock has to try and woo him while not scaring him off with protective possessive rage.

Maintaining A Personal Life by Gingerhermit (E, 24,284 w., 6 Ch. || Alternating POV’s, Bisexuality, BAMF!John, Jealous Sherlock, Romance / Drama, Sort-of Case Fic, Peril & Angst, Love Confessions, Toplock, Soft Idiots in Love, Post S3) – Sherlock and John discover some interesting revelations about each other’s sexuality, which lead them both to question the assumptions they've made about one another for years. In the midst of their mutual discoveries, a dangerous psychopath looms on the side-lines who threatens to destroy their new beginning.

Nothing to Make a Song About by emmagrant01 (E, 36,833 w., 10 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Time, Reunion, Jealous John, Pining Sherlock, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, Sherlock Has a Boyfriend) – When Sherlock returned from his faked death, John could not forgive him for the deception and broke off their friendship. Ten years later, John returns to London in search of yet another new beginning. Sherlock, not surprisingly, is waiting.

Turn Left at the Park by Glenmore (NR (E), 37,409 w., 28 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting / ASiP Divergence, Case Fic, Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Loneliness, No Mary, Possessive Sherlock, Fluff & Angst, Nightmares/PTSD, Sherlock Saves John, Sherlock Whump-ish, Doctor John) – So what would have happened if John hadn't walked through the park and met Stamford? What if, instead, he walked around the park and just went home?

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

Never Change a Running System by Lorelei_Lee (E, 54,246 w., 18 Ch. || Pre-TRF, Romance, Humour, Drama, Sex Toys, Anal, Rimming, Masturbation, Frottage, Blow Jobs, Public Sex, First Kiss / Time, Virgin Sherlock / Loss of Virginity, Accidental Voyeurism, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Experiments, Naive Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Straight With an Exception John, Hand Jobs) – Sherlock discovers his sexuality – with far-reaching consequences for John.

The Thing Is by TSylvestris (E, 56,743 w., 21 Ch. || Case Fic, Dev. Rel., Anal/Oral, Blow Jobs, Meddling Mycroft, Drama, Romance, Humour, Casual Encounters, Pining Idiots, Possessive Sherlock, Orgasm Delay, Rough / Alley Sex, Public Sex, John Whump, Drugged John, Emotional Love Making, Awkward Relationship, Marriage of Convenience, Switchlock) – The problem with living with Sherlock, John thought, was that you never, never, ever knew the significance of anything. Like your flatmate's nose buried in your hair. Whilst you're in bed. Part 1 of Nitroglycerine

One Little Change by jadztone (E, 58,312 w., 12 Ch. || ASiB Divergence, Fake Relationship, Bed Sharing, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bi John / Gay Demisexual Sherlock, Switchlock, Alternating POV, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, Case Fic, Angst with Happy Ending, Emotional Love Making, Butt Plugs, Cuddles) – Our story begins right after John and Sherlock's first meeting with Irene Adler in September. It splits off into an AU that imagines them taking a case where they act as bait to hook a killer targeting closeted gays in secret relationships. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, many things happen that have our boys wondering if maybe they have a chance with each other. Then Irene fakes her death on Christmas Eve, and things get a lot more complicated - especially since they still have a killer to catch.

Isosceles by SilentAuror (E, 56,609 w., 7 Ch. || Post-S4, POV John, Original Male Character / Sherlock Dates Another Man, Love Triangle, Jealous John, Virgin Sherlock, Sexual Coaching, Angst, Romance, Domesticity, Unrequited Feelings, Miscommunication, First Kiss/Time, For a Case, Friends With Benefits, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Spooning) – After solving a case for a major celebrity, Sherlock gets himself asked out. When John asks, he discovers that Sherlock has no intention of going, at least not until John agrees to coach him through whatever he might need to know for his date...

floating through a dark blue sky by Lediona (M, 58,966 w., 15 Ch. || Notting Hill AU || POV John, Celebrity Sherlock, First Date / Time / Kiss, Past Drug Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending) – Of course, I’d seen his films and always thought he was, well, brilliant -- but, you know, a million miles from the world I live in. Or, when John is the owner of a travel book shop and the famous Sherlock Holmes stops in one day.

The Book of Silence by SilentAuror (E, 60,056 w., 2 Ch. || S4 Fix It / Post S4, Virgin Sherlock, Rosie / Parentlock, Domesticity, Fluff, Praise Kink, Sex Toys, First Person POV) – As spring blooms in London, John and Sherlock begin to take new cases and cautiously negotiate this new phase of life with John living at Baker Street again. Despite how well it's all going, John struggles to forgive himself for the way he treated Sherlock following Mary’s death as well as trying to figure out how to finally put his long-time feelings for Sherlock into words. Part 1 of The Book of Silence/Rosa Felicia

Scars by SilentAuror (E, 60,494 w., 5 Ch. || Rape / Non-Con / Abuse, Gaslighting, Manipulation, Dub Con Elements, Homophobia, Angst With Happy Ending, Mary is Not Nice) – S3 rewrite, showing Mary’s manipulation of John as he realizes his love for Sherlock. Mary is not having it.

The Bells of King's College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It's only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths...

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.

Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.

Secrets and Revelations by Hisstah (E, 83,535 w., 9 Ch. || Sentinel / Guides Omegaverse AU || Adventure, Violence, Anal / Oral, Omega!John / Alpha!Sherlock, Case Fic, Politics, Mild DubCon) – Dr John Watson has some major secrets that he's kept from his flatmate, Alpha Sentinel Sherlock Holmes. Now the Sentinel Tower is after him. Can John stay out of their hands until he can reveal his secrets to Sherlock? Part 1 of Secrets and Revelations

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other, John’s Self Esteem Issues) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”  

The Cost of a Wish by slashscribe (E, 102,493 w., 12 Ch. || xxxHolic Fusion || Spirits / Ghosts and Magic, Love Confessions, Slow Burn, Soul Mates / Fated Lovers, Adventure, Immortal Sherlock, Powerful John, POV John, Frottage, Wish Granting, Angst with Happy Ending, Nightmares) – John has been plagued by a secret his entire life that has made him feel hopeless until he meets a mysterious, seemingly omniscient man named Sherlock Holmes who owns a wish-granting shop. Their meeting sets off a series of inevitable events that will change the course of both of their lives forever.

Maintenance and Repair by patternofdefiance (E, 106,650 w., 71 Ch. || Future AU, Augmentation || Augmented John, Depression, Body Modification, Slow Burn, Worldbuilding, Sci-Fi, Self-Care, Body Dysmorphia) – John wants to explain the rush of sensation and data, which is just another form of sensation (or is it the other way around?). John wants to say: Augmentation circuits report temperature, pressure, various forms of quantitative input. Sudden changes are reported as pain, since sudden changes are dangerous, and pain is the quickest way to encourage reflexive extraction. But all John can manage is, “Nng.” Because this sudden touch is not reporting as pain. Part 2 of STATIC

A Study in Winning by Jupiter_Ash (E, 106,658 w., 11 Ch. || Tennis AU || John POV, Dirty Talk, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, Happy Ending, Sherlock Speaks French, Switchlock, Wimbledon) – John and Sherlock are professional tennis players and it’s Wimbledon. One is a broken almost was at the end of his career, the other an arrogant rising star tipped for greatness. It should have been a straightforward tournament. It really should have been. How were they to know that a chance encounter would change everything? Part 1 of Tennis

Shatter the Darkness (Let the Light In) by MojoFlower (E, 109,683 w., 23 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Genie/Djinn AU || Magical Realism, Kidnapping, Genie Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Case Fic, H/C, Angst, Clubs, John Whump, Mild DubCon, Hand / Blow Jobs, Torture) – Fairy tales are for those who remember how to dream; not John Watson, broken and hiding from his bleak future in a beige bedsit. But then he discovers a lamp and finds himself in the dangerous riptide of an enigmatic man whose very existence is unbelievable, murder charges against his sister, and the growing pains of feeling alive once more.

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard (M, 119,150 w., 21 Ch. || Canon Divergence, Post-TRF, John’s Sexuality, S3 Rewrite, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Watson, John’s Gay) – When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men. Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #insecure john #my fic recs #Anonymous #long post

[sunflowermoth]

My ideal season four direction: A very broken plotline ( this is so long im sorry)

Lights up on Chicago

In a somewhat shabby apartment, Joyce is looking for her keys (it’s kind of her thing)

 Jonathan is doing course work before he starts NYU in the fall 

Will is munching on toast on the couch

Eleven is sitting next to him flipping through channels, no remote insight

Joyce finds her keys and bids the kids farewell and heads off to work

The phone rings 

Will shivers and touches his neck 

“ Its Nancy,” He says 

Eleven smiles at him 

He’s getting better at it 

Jonathan gets up and answers it 

He and Nancy have been making long-distance work

A little while later Jonathan is getting ready for work

He walks into the living room 

El and Will are facing each other 

The tv is playing static, loudly  

Will is wearing a blindfold 

Eleven is not 

She's gotten better at it too 

“ Stay calm ” Eleven tells him 

He nods 

The hair on his arms stands up 

He’s scared 

His powers are so new

He’s scared of them  

After all, they came from the upsidedown

Jonathan watches 

They do this often 

Eleven is teaching him how to control his powers 

Teaching him how to shut out the things that want to control him 

“ I won’t be a victim anymore,” he told her one rainy night 

She nodded 

She understood 

“ Do you see them?” 

Will tilts his head “ Kind of, it’s fuzzy” 

Eleven nods “ That’s normal. Keep trying” 

They don’t have long 

Will focuses on a blurry mass in the inky void 

He tries, but it won’t untangle 

Blood drips from his nose 

Eleven snaps her head and the tv flicks off 

She rips his blindfold off 

“ Will?” 

“ I’m okay” he touches his nose “ Just frustrated” 

“ It won’t happen that fast Will” 

“ I know” 

“ You sure you’re okay buddy? “ Jonathan asks softly

“ Yes” 

Jonathan looks a bit unsure 

He`s not entirely comfortable with his little brother having powers

“ Okay, well I’m off to work. The bus will be here soon” 

 Will nods and uses the blindfold to wipe the blood

Eleven smiles and waves goodbye 

Jonathan opens the door 

He shouts 

Eleven and Will are by his side in a second 

 Standing there 

beaten, bloodied, and bruised 

Is Kali ( Hell yeah bringing her back cause she deserved better)  

She says “ I’ve been tracking you, they're looking for us, all of us. They are killing us one by one. I’m glad I found you. I’ve missed you, sister.” 

Then she collapses 

Will and Jonathan turn to look at eleven

She opens her mouth to explain 

Cut to the Hawkins town sign

Then cut to the inside of a video store 

A military march starts to play 

The party is lined up like cadets doing drills 

Steve paces into of them as if he were their Sargent 

“ Welcome to your first job you little shits, I am not only your manager but also your warden” 

Steve had to get a new job since Starcourt is still closed due to ongoing investigations

Robin was there for the summer before she went to university in the fall, she had gotten an early acceptance letter. 

Steve was still waiting on his.  

( okay, I’m gonna switch up a bit) 

Flash sideways to a cold barren cell in the distance you can hear muffled yelling from somewhere off-screen. The camera slides over to show hopper on the top bunk in the cell, he’s playing a mournful tune on a harmonica, he’s pretty good. 

But that doesn’t stop a voice from below. 

“ If you’re going to play that thing all day at least learn a different song” 

Hopper jumps along with a metallic thud. 

The person below kicked his bunk

Hopper just smirks and goes back to playing 

The person below sighs gruffly 

A scraping starts

The camera sweeps downward  

Its Billy ( that’s right Duffers ) 

His head is shaved like hoppers ( from the trailer) 

He`s sporting a garish black eye 

He’s angrily carving into the bottom of Hoppers bunk 

Billy is not loving Russia

Thick boots start clomping down the hall 

Billy scrabbles and puts the pocket knife hed been using down his pants and pretends to be napping. 

Hopper plays louder

Hopper doesn’t give a shit.  

Their cell door clanks open hopper smirks and takes the harmonica away from his mouth. 

“ problem general?” 

Okay this is super long so ill wrap it up

So basically Jonathan calls nancy to tell her about Kali and what she told them so the party, Steve, and Nancy pile into one of those hippie vans and head to Chicago to get Joyce, El, Will, and Jonathan, and of course they grab Robin along the way, to jet off to save the other experiments and put an end to the upside-down forever. ( in other words… A ROAD TRIP SEASON!!!) 

Meanwhile, Billy and Hopper are plotting their escape from the Russian lap ( i picture it to be very Shawshank redemption like) maybe with the help of another experiment ; )

Also in order to make Billy being alive make sense, I think that the evil billy in S3 was a clone and the real Billy was stuck in the upside-down like will and the Russian scientists found him and took him to the prison. Hopper had to explain a lot to the poor kid when he showed up there two. ( aka Hopper is Billy`s new father figure, fight me)

I have so much more but im sleepy 

But yeah that’s how I would love for season four to go…

#stranger things #headcanon #Billy Hargrove #jonathan x nancy #nancy wheeler #steve harringrove #harringrove #steve harrington #eleven #mike wheeler #dustin henderson #lucas stranger things #mad max #max mayfield #netflix #joyce byers #jim hopper

[flying-elliska]

ellie!!!!! do u think this season is going downhill from here? because i feel like this episode would have been so much better without the tiff plot and/or a possible suicide plot because we really don't have the time anymore. (and i will never forgive them for not giving us that eliott pov in all of this😔) what r your thoughts on this ep tho!

Hey Keith ! Thx for your insights btw, very chill and grounded in the tag 🙏🙏

Where I'm at rn is honestly, I don't want to get on the Everything is Ruined by Bad Writing train (even tho I get some of the points) because, like. It's not fun. And this is the end of Skam France As We Know It and also, I come here to chill. And I love this show still somehow so dunking on it is not fun to me.

So like...yeah I'm not super happy we're not getting Eliott POV through this and also the plot is waaaayyyy overstuffed. But I'm just trying to enjoy whatever they're giving us regardless. And there are still a lot of aspects I find interesting.

At some point the last few weeks I got afraid they would shove the complexities of Lola's issues under the table and be all like "they hugged everything is fine now!!!" Which would have pissed me off. These last few clips (if yeah, overdramatic as hell but hey, it's the mark of the show by now) have given me more trust they will at least adress some of the bad shit. I'm still very scared but I see the potential for some very important conversations to happen. Between Lola and her family, Elu, Lola and Lucas, etc etc. I also appreciated getting an insight into Eliott's struggle with stigma. I feel like all the drama, even if yeah too much, is still very tightly linked to the core theme of the season, Lola's self drstructiveness linked to isolation and a lack of love/support and self worth. And ep9 in s3 we were still deep in the shit so I don't think a good resolution is impossible.

The suicide plot...if they actuall show her make an attempt I will be pissed bc yeah there would be no room to show recovery so it would foreground the death impulse. What could work, however, is her getting to a place of thinking about it, thinking about all the people in her life and the things she wants to do and then deciding not to do it, and call her sister instead. Having a real convo about their mother and all the shit that happened etc. That could feel like a real turning point. Of her finally deciding on a deep.level to take living seriously and working against the drive to damage herself.

The Tiff stuff...it could work if we got a short clip later of Tiff actually telling her friend to delete the video and then redemption arc or something? Still a plotline that I'm a bit ????about but yeah.

All in all I've decided to enjoy this season no matter how nuts it gets so I might be biased and it is STRESSFUL and I might be a lot more critical once it's over but rn I'm just 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️✌✌

#suicide tw #skam france

[cuteandtwisted]

hi wiss! not a prompt but i just read your birthday fic for Even and I found it so touching how you treat his MI with so much care. i don't mean to intrude but do you have an MI? it sometimes sounds like you speak from experience. Do you or someone close to you have a mental illness? and what did Even teach YOU?

Hmm. That’s an interesting question. Interesting because I don’t really know., because I’m not sure I’m articulate enough to answer it. Also it’s 8am and I still haven’t slept/been stranded in airports after 3 flights. And I’m typing this on my phone. It’s funny how I always leak and ramble about myself when I’m exhausted.

Long story short: I’ve never seen a therapist and my mental state is based on what I think I know/things I read. It’s all in my head pretty much, which I realize is the same as assessing yourself physically without going to an actual Doctor. Mental illness was always so taboo in my culture growing up. It was considered a curse, an impairment, a sign of weakness of character or of bad karma. And it didn’t only speak for you and your deeds. It also spoke for your entire family. Mental illness was something we only heard about but never got to live through. It was that thing that happened to others or to that one obscure/distant family member. It wasn’t exactly real and it wasn’t nuanced either. It was a death sentence so to speak. It was an ending in and of itself.

My first direct exposure to someone with a mental illness was to my uncle. He’s my father’s youngest brother and we’re barely 10 years apart. What’s most vivid about him in my childhood memories are his height, his silky hair, his talent for drawing, although he’s never had any training, and his tendency to smoke too many cigarettes and drink too many cups of black coffee. He also happened to be schizophrenic and delirious. His symptoms started around the time his parents got a divorce and his father (aka my grandpa) got married to one of his students (i know. Wtf). He got misdiagnosed and his meds fucked with his mind a lot. He never got to finish school or pursue his dream to be an artist. I’m always sad when I think of him because he is the perfect example of someone who could have been helped but who was cursed, not by his pained mind, but by society’s stigma. He always kisses my forehead when he sees me and it always breaks my heart when I remember how scared I used to be of him when I was younger. It wasn’t my fault, I later realized. Everyone around me kept telling me that i was to feel afraid. I often hear about him ending up at the police station and at the hospital, and I often heard my grandmother complain about how he ruined her life with his sickness. Terrifying, isn’t it? It doesn’t encourage anyone who might be feeling inadequate to ever speak up.

I personally started to feel /weird/ when I reached the age of 13/14. My parents said I read books I wasn’t supposed to have read when I was younger and that it messed with my thoughts and my mind. I loved philosophy, still do. Questioning my own existence became a thing I practiced religiously. At one point I was convinced I had superpowers and that I could escape reality whenever I wished to. Sometimes, it was pleasant but not really. Like being tickled. It makes you laugh but you don’t necessarily enjoy the loss of control. I thought I could control it, but then I realized that it was controlling me. Sometimes it was terrifying because I didn’t know what was wrong with me and Google wasn’t extremely helpful either. Later I realized that I was experiencing depersonalization/derealization and that I wasn’t that special. Recoiling into one’s mind to the point of no longer being able to perceive reality was something many others experienced. I was almost disappointed to learn that I wasn’t special.

I went through some terrible experiences around that time and my moods started fluctuating. I would go from elated to extremely down, never leaving my room. My parents were constantly traveling so they didn’t really notice. It didn’t help that I was an extremely proud, reserved, contrary, and cunning teenager. My mind was my best asset and I used to my advantage. Another thing that duped most was my ability to pretend that I was fine all the time. I could be crippled with sorrow and still have a smile plastered across my face. I could entertain groups of 10 for hours then go home and cry until sleep found me. I was proud, stubborn, ‘strong’. And strong people didn’t admit to feeling weak and needing to just sleep it off sometimes.

At one point, I convinced myself that I was bipolar. I even wrote it in my diary and my anonymous blogs back then. I didn’t know much about it. I just knew that my mood swings and my depersonalization episodes had to be attributed to something. Again, i never saw a therapist, so it was all BS. I also never splurged to the point of mania. (However, I do spend money recklessly sometimes. I do jump on flights at the last moment, buy the most stupid shit just for the heck of it, shove my tongue down strangers’ throats just to feel something, drink until I’m blind and throwing up against walls. I do feel larger than life sometimes, slightly invincible, convinced I’m special and have some insight into human nature, convinced i can see right through people and read their minds. I have my moments. But don’t we all?

I also do feel down sometimes to the point of not leaving my bed for days, ignoring everyone’s calls and messages, and just curling around myself in the dark. I do. I do. But don’t we all?

Control and pride are all I have, however. So you won’t find me whining about my feelings or my mood swings in real life.)

I kept entertaining my self-diagnosis and remained convinced I was bipolar until I first met a diagnosed bipolar person at the age of 17. I didn’t know he was bipolar back then, just that people called him ‘crazy’ and a ‘fucking liar’. I knew him as my boyfriend’s best friend/neighbor. I thought he hated me for the longest time. I even imagined that he was secretly gay and in love with my boyfriend. But he wasn’t. I asked him point blank why he hated me one day and he replied with “i don’t. I’m actually in love with you.” I still remember that day so vividly. My boyfriend and I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

My bf and I eventually broke up, after which he got shipped to another city, but I maintained my weird friendship with his best friend/neighbor. He transferred to my school when we were juniors and I took it upon myself to introduce him to people and show him around. He walked me home on Friday afternoons and made me playlists which we listened to on his iPod. We shared his earphones as we walked to my house. He started writing me poems and posting them on facebook. He called me his 'colombe’ which translates to 'his dove’ and he became fixated on me to the point of following me in the streets when I was out with friends. I remember the night he stood outside of a McDonalds with a cigarette between his lips staring at me through the window. I started feeling scared. I rejected his advances and his poems were dark and accusatory now.

He came to school with a bandaged wrist once and i was afraid of asking him what happened. My english teacher pulled me aside at the end of class that day and asked me if it was true that I had pushed him down the stairs and caused his wrist injury. I denied it because it wasn’t and i started feeling slightly terrified. The guy left a note in my bag that day and stopped me during recess to ask me to not open it until i got home.

I opened it as soon as I finished an exam early and went outside waiting for everyone else to come out. It was dark and chilly. It was November. The note he wrote me was another poem and it was written in ?blood? I was shocked and I questioned it as much as I could. It could have been red nail polish. It could have been anything. But why do this to me? Why? I didn’t understand. He came out of the school and i snapped and it was just the two of us in the dark. He had followed me outside but i was so angry and confused that i failed to see that it was just us two now. I asked him what the hell was going on and he said that he cut himself because of me and of how i treated him and that he wrote me a poem with his blood. I think i might have called him crazy. I don’t remember. I was experiencing shock in its purest form so I don’t remember everything I said.

And then he hit me. He shoved me hard against the wall and he hit me across the face, then he said that he loved me and that I didn’t understand. I still remember how the blow felt like nothing. The worst had already happened. I internalized that hit so much, and perhaps I still do. I was tiny compared to him. I can fight people, but I was shocked by how utterly powerless I was at that moment. My limbs had just stopped functioning. And to this day I still find it hard to let my guards down around men or anyone physically capable of overpowering me. Biology, and all. My best friend came out of nowhere and a fight broke because he had me pressed against a wall. Then we all went home. I never told anyone that he hit me that night. I was too proud. I still can’t believe that it’s something that happened to me.

I cut my bangs to the side that night to hide my bruise, and thankfully I have brown complexion so it wasn’t that bad. I avoided him like the plague after that, even when he crawled back to me begging for forgiveness. He later sent me long messages explaining his diagnosis and his bipolar and how he had developed an ‘obsession’ with me, how it wasn’t really him doing those things. But I couldn’t find it in me to forgive him. Being mentally ill doesn’t condone shitty behavior, it doesn’t condone physically assaulting someone. I don’t know. He traumatized me.

I developed some sort of stigma after that. I was kind of like S3 Isak (which is why i think the show changed me so fucking much) I 'chose’ to stay away from 'mentally ill people’ to 'protect myself’.

The guy in question did continue being a shitty person until everyone around town knew to avoid him. He played girls and called them sluts and lied about everything and everyone and he was just pretty horrible. And it took me some time to understand that it wasn’t because he was bipolar. It was simply because he was an asshole.

I did develop empathy for him later on when I stopped being so angry and blaming myself for everything all the time. I guess I realized that some have it harder than others? Maybe his shitty behavior was a byproduct of how he had been treated so far? Maybe it was his only outlet, his only way of lashing out against the world for 'inconveniencing’ him with an imbalanced brain? I don’t know. But i forgive him now. Because I’m sure he wasn’t always terrible. I’m sure he has lived through his fair share of horrible things. I’m sure those weeks he spent in bed were daunting. I’m sure people weren’t always gentle with him. I forgive him but i will never forget. Because some people go through hell and still choose to be kind. Because what he did, using his bipolar to justify his awful actions, is selfish and only perpetuates the stigma around bipolar.

I guess this is why SKAM changed my life so drastically? The only depiction of bipolar i had been exposed to was from this guy who traumatized me and all the crap on TV that either romanticized it or simply turned it into a trope and showed people who suffer from it as helpless and completely delirious with no chance of ever leading a normal life. I’m grateful for SKAM because not only did it erase my previous biased and erroneous views which were influenced by a rather unfortunate event, but it also made me do research and read about it and learn more. I fell in love with Even and his mind and his kindness and all the love he has in him. Life can throw crap at you, but you can still choose to be kind. And that’s what Even and his story taught me. Mental illness is not a death sentence and you can still be loved and happy

Back to your question, I guess, I still haven’t paid a visit to a therapist lol. I’m scared i might find out something about myself that i won’t like. I’m scared of being called out on my bullshit. I’m scared of leaking like a broken faucet. I get dizzy thinking about some of the crap I went through and I sometimes think it’s better left in pandora’s box, that it’s better to keep the lid on. I don’t know. Sometimes my life feels like some really badly written CW show. But I’m still happy with where I am today. Always. One day i’ll organize my thoughts and write something meaningful about the storms in my mind. But until then, i’ll borrow the voice of fictional characters to work through some of my personal experiences.

Sorry about the rambling. I’m SO angry at Delta airlines right now. I had to channel that anger into something else haha.

#ask #personal #tw: ableism #tw: self harm