#this keeps me up at night istg | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bylerisc4non · 2 years

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the thing that keeps me up at night is the fact that i need mike wheeler to vent, rant, scream, sob, and throw a fucking tantrum. because this boy is so traumatized. all i ask is that he breakdown and let it all out.

i need him to be fighting with will and then just say, "you think this was easy for me?! you think it wasn't the worst fucking experience of my life when you went missing? i lost my mind that week! i couldn't stand it. i lost you and then i lost el who'd helped us find you. you came back, yes, but it wasn't the same. you weren't the same. nothing was the same. because once you go through that shit, you can't go back to how it used to be. once you are forced to grow up like that you can't pretend everything's okay. you know that, you went through it too!

"and everything only got worse because the next year you started having those goddamn episodes and got possessed by the mind flayer. and i had to just watch as you deteriorated. i had to watch and cover my ears to block out your screaming. and i- i couldn't do anything! i was fucking helpless. a- and it was fucking awful. so my bad if i ignored you the next summer and focused on el. the thing was, i was supposed to love her. so, i tried. i tried so hard. and i couldn't figure out why i didn't. and then you moved and everything went to shit all over again because you weren't there and i needed you. b- but it was my fault, right? because i didn't reach out? well, you didn't either! and it fucking sucked because i tried to call only to hear the same goddamn busy line! every time!

"then y- you gave me that painting. and i wanted to tell you. i wanted to spill my guts and tell you. but i couldn't because you wanted me to tell el i loved her. you pushed me to tell her i loved her. and don't deny that because you did and we both know it. sometimes you're just so ignorant, will. you're so ignorant because you want to be. you don't want to see that you affect the people around you! you don't want to see that you could be happy if you only let yourself! and you don't want to see that you're the most important person to me. you think i wanted to be made fun of in school for that fact? be made fun of by bullies because we were just a couple of queers? sorry if i didn't just drop everything and run into your arms because people like us don't have it that easy! so, forgive me for not explaining everything sooner because it really wasn't an option."

#byler #mike wheeler #will byers #i guess i'm officially a mike wheeler defender #i need mike to let out the fucking mess inside #and scream all of this #better take notes duffers #he's so traumatized it's not even funny #just let him get it out #let him vent and scream and cry #he really needs it istg he needs it so bad #mike wheeler is not the bad guy #this keeps me up at night #internalized homophobia #stranger things #this is in the st5 script ik i read it

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definitelynotnia · 1 month

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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play #till 10:30 at night #she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8 #this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house #and now that my brother is in class 7 #he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30 #he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like #one sentence #yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke #up in the house its all my fault #this is just so damn unfair #like literally insulting #im not a child what is her problem #what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up #my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play #5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30 #and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude #with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play #im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi #after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other #she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit #and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12 #its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how #like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO #istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy #groceries #i can cycle

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sandsucks · 1 month

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when i get proper sleep….i will be a changed man i promise

#istg insomnia always kills me when i finally have time to sleep #like explain how i went to bed at 1 last night woke up at noon today n somehow only got five hours of sleep. not consecutive #someday i’ll find a cure for this…..for now it’s just work or art or doom scroll till it my eyes give up ig #also i’m so sorry i feel like i keep ranting here lol. i’ll be less insufferable from now on sorryyyyy #to everyone who sent in reqs btw thank you very much!!!!!#i’m getting thru them verrryyyy slowly lol since some irl things have been discouraging me from actually chilling out…i’ll share them soon!

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fqiryspit · 2 years

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what are your all time favorite eren fanfics?

AHHHHH I LOVE MAKING RECS FOR YOU GUYSSS <3

series:

ᴅᴇᴍᴏʟɪᴛɪᴏɴ ʟᴏᴠᴇʀꜱ

𝗙𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧𝗘𝗥 [𝗘𝗿𝗲𝗻 𝗬𝗲𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗿]

A Little Too Personal

𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘂𝗿𝗲, 𝘦.𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘳

Can I

KEEPING TIME ; eren jaeger

The Last Song

I wish I could be stronger

one-shots:

Just a Little More (tw stepcest)

heat of the summer (tw stepcest)

eren with an insomniac so (modern au)

TAINTED: EUPHORIA

Purfect Roommate

#dont mind 31 😭#OKAY SO NOTES...#DEMOLITION LOVERS: best fucking shit ever istg omg december vibes are coming through I'm dying wow omg its so good #FIGHTER: WOW so new and cool I really like it omg it has night time vibes all the time (same with demolition luvs vibes))#31: WOWWWW AHHHHH all the red flags and i shouldn't enjoy it the way i do but damn its so good #A LITTLE TOO PERSONAL: AHHHHHHH THEEE FALLING IN LOVE IS SO SWEET AND EREN SLOWLY REALIZING HE IS LOVE WITH EHR IS SO GOOD #ALLURE: AHHHH VAMPIRE!AU AND ITS SOOO GOOD CLOUDY VIBES ALL AROUND YESS YESS YESS #CAN I: BEST FRIENDS TO LOVERS IS THE BEST TROPE DONT EVEN TRY. HE CALLS ME BABE? AND WE ARENT TOGEHTER? YESSSS #KEEPING TIME: SOOO CUTE DUDE IT HAS SUCH WARM VIBES I WANNA CUDDLE UP 2 #THE LAST SONG: IM GONNA FUCING CRY DONT EVEN TRY AND ASK ME ABOUT IT #I WISH I WAS STRONGER: AHHHHH I LOVE THE FAST PACE CUZ I READ IT BEFORE BED AND I LIKE SAD Y/N

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tardis--dreams · 7 months

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Gonna go running tomorrow!!!! Gotta hype myself up because i know once my alarm goes off at 6am i will not be as excited anymore ((((: BUT I'LL GO RUNNING!!!!

#i just #need to get some actual exercise #where i can completely exhaust myself #i mean. i get some pretty exhausting 10 minutes every morning on my hike to class #but i want something a bit longer and something that will end in a nice shower and not in a seminar room #I'm just a bit scared of how it'll go because so far the paths where people exercise are also occupied by other people #and then there's bikes that might kill you if you don't watch out #so i wanna go early so i hopefully avoid random people taking a painfully slow walk in the middle of the path #so you can't pass them #but I'll be moving!!! fast!! i cannot wait tbh #i should have gone tonight #(watch me oversleep and be too unmotivated to go tomorrow morning... istg if i don't get up at 6 #I'll still go at 8 or 9 or 10 am and have to live with the consequences of the paths being crowded #I'd go to bed early but my neighbors keep me up until 2am every night so that's fun #but the running will be worth it #(I'm not even a runner ㅠㅠ i just need to substitute my usual high intensity workouts with something other than pilates and yoga #i mean it's definitely not bad to be forced to do something out of my comfort zone but i really miss my jumping around time)#void screams

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thatcheeseycandle · 3 months

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//Postive rant post

I can't stop thinking about that one moment in RWS No. 8 (Gordon the Big Engine) where Gordon comes to help out James.

LIKE COME ON EVERYTIME I THINK OF THAT MOMENT I THINK OF A FATHER HELPING HIS CHILD LIKE OGJUDJGJJJG. THEM.

And as a bonus it adds onto my whole "generation" grouping thing, if you dont get what I mean then let me just-

Gen 1: N. 2 (??), N. 3 (??), and N. 4 (??)

(Gen 1 could mostly be Coffeepots like Glynn, I just don't know what to name them-)

Gen 2 (?): Rheneas (N. 2), Sir Handel (N. 3), and Peter Sam (N. 4)

Gen 3: Edward (N. 2), Henry (N. 3), and Gordon (N. 4)

Gen 4: Thomas (N. 1), Percy (N. 6), and James (N. 5)

Now how does this tie into their characters? BASICALLY, take James, Peter Sam, and Gordon as an example of things. Those three have something incommon, they have something special only known to them. What do I mean by this? Well, Peter sam's funnel, Gordon being the one to pull the WNW (Wild Nor' Western) Express, James with his special paint.

Technically this sort of thing only applies to Gordon and James and the mysterious N. 4 Coffeepot, that came before the two, since Peter Sam belongs to the Skarloey while James and Gordon belong to the main cast I think Peter Sam wouldn't count, but possibly can if he did come to Sodor before them.

But yeah, basically my point is, the next/current generation will always carry a trait from the last generation.

Thomas carries Edward's "early days" traits, Percy carries the anxiousness and moodiness of Henry, James carries the Pride and the similar haunting past of Gordon, Philip (and Mavis?) carries the self-esteem of Toby, etc. Like family in a way, except they're a found family of traumatised anthropomorphic engines

Though to mention it in a more metal-related (my term/words for blood-related/relative engines) I think the most common/well-known example would be the Gresleys, aka the telenovela other Railways watch.

How exactly would they be an example? Well to explain, since Gresleys are actual irl things and not just part of the TTTE universe, that would mean a big BIG family tree.

Meaning, Scotsman and Solario would've been passed down Great Northern's observant eyes, Sir Nigel got passed down Banbury's calming aura, Pretty Polly carried Blink Bonny's forwardness, etc etc. Like genetics, except through gold dust (some of Gordon's gold dust was sprinkled into Scotsman's gold dust in my au, so yknow. WAHBANG Genetics)

Now every family has one trait most of the family has, and in the Gresley family, it would be their Pride and brutal honesty. (mostly pride-)

#OH WAIT TIL' I GET ONTO THE FURNESS AND THE GREAT WESTERNS. WAIT UNTIL I MAKE A RSNT POST ON TJOSE FAMILIES.#Oh the angst THE ANGSTSTDHDHHD #Istg THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT KEEP ME UP ALL NIGHT /POS #ttte au #ttte #ttte headcanons #cheesyversial rants #that bonus really just became THE MAIN TOPIC BEHAHSHDHHD

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