#was he trying to make my life miserable?

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Truth and revenge is best served cold.

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#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #xue yang #song lan #This comic was another 'almost cut' one but I previously cut out xue yang bartering (threatening) for potatoes so I felt it was justified #episode 2 is so sad and miserable. I am going to do my best by making it a little funny. #Xue yang really committed fully to this new life of his! Don't threated him by trying to ruin it! #I love how he takes the blame here too. Yes he purposefully set up events to cause a divide between them #Yes he attacked SL because it would hurt XXC the most #but hey: that only hurt because he loved SL so much (in whatever form they have) #and SL hurt XXC in turn by sending him away #Xue Yang set it up but Song Lan dealt a blow on his own #XY is still the *most* at fault here but contrasting this with how strongly he justifies his actions to XXC later is very interesting to me #also he did NOT have to villain monologue about all the stuff he made xxc do. He could have just shut up about it #but nah he needs to cause hurt because HE'S so hurt and can't make other people understand him in any other way.

[dootznbootz]

Odypen definitely and equivalently adore each other BUT I weirdly can't see them as the type to actually say "I Love you".

They still definitely vocalize their love for each other but it's more so in "My Joy", and "Extraordinary Woman", "Strange Woman/Man", etc. And very cheesy lines (both say some cheesy shit in the Odyssey, and he definitely does in the Iliad as well. "Joy like a drowning sailor seeing land" bit???)

I could see "I adore you" but even then, that's probably during very specific moments but the actual "I love you"??? I just typed it just now for fic shit and... It weirdly just didn't feel right and I don't know why. 😅

Idk maybe it's kind of because I see them as over the top in ways, they love wordplay and riddles and I think they'd almost think "...That's not good enough >:( " about it??? I don't know???😂

#I wrote this last night. I'll do the asks I got later. don't worry! :D #I am the cheese god remember?😅 #I think these two would try to “out-cheese” each other and whoever is left speechless first loses #“I would forget my own name before I would ever forget you” bullshit. CHEESY #And yes. “I sleep in our nest with you or outside on the dirt” stupidity >:D #I plan for Odysseus as a beggar to ask why she waits so long. As he's been gone a longer amount of time than the time they had together #(Simply asking as reassurance. He knows his answer. Calypso asked him. but what about Penelope?) but she gets mad at the #“Beggar” and pities him as he must be telling the truth about having a miserable life if he never got the chance to know such devotion #How what they have could never be sullied by #something as trivial as distance and years. How the years with him were the best in her life. Only made better by their son. #'My dear Joy made songs and poems about love a reality as that was simply the life we shared. Even separated our 'song' will always echo #no matter how long it's been. I'LL make sure it always does. And I know he's doing the same... That strange man used to say that #even if he died his corpse would drag itself back to us before he'd ever give up.' #...I'm not one for 'odyssey zombie au' but when I first heard it yeah. :'D Came up with this back then #“His eyes as hard as flint or horn-” Bullshit! The sad lil fuck is hiding sobs with coughs and telling her to keep away for fear of her #catching whatever “illness” he has. The nice thing about being disguised as old means sickly old man works. #... #I'm noticing that Odysseus has a lot of silly oneliners while I write Penelope with a shit ton of set up :'D #They are so silly and I love them so much #...I wrote a lot :'D #Mad rambles #shot by odysseus #my headcanons #odypen #yahoo!!! #sometimes I wonder if I should tag this with more things but I don't want to taint the regular tags with my bullshit :'D I KNOW I'm insane

[dirtytransmasc]

I can't put it into words, I have tried many times and failed, but the relationship between theon and asha means everything and more to me.

#(this post is based solely off the show) #he's her baby brother! #he means the world and more to her #ever since he looked up at her that night in his crib he's been something that means more to her than her own life #she would do anything for him #and their dynamic post ramsay is so interesting #cause like. they don't really believe in mental health on the iron isles. its tough it out or die. #so she has no idea how to really help theon after everything he's been through. but she was gonna try god dammit. because he's her baby #even though she offers him the idea of offing himself. its obvious that's not at all what she wants. she wants him back. #she wants him to be ok. she wants to stop seeing him so scared and miserable #she doesn't know how to fix it but she wants to and all she knows how to do is force him to tough it out #but it so clearly comes from a place of love and worry #and just... ahhhhhh #she's really like: my baby my baby you’re my baby say it to me #but like... in a bigger tougher scary big sister way... if that makes sense #they're driving me crazy. I want to go home. I need to sit down #asha greyjoy #yara greyjoy #theon greyjoy #got #game of thrones #asoiaf #a song of ice and fire

[silenthillbunni]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[noirsongbird]

man, sometimes you start plotting out an AU, and you realize that it is going to be of interest to basically no one, so you sigh and decide that it stays on the discord forever

#specifically I’m playing with a gortash redemption postcanon #but it comes from a sort of ‘bad timeline’ ie on my very first run I fucked up Astarion’s romance and never got his act 2 scene #moved on to act 3 without realizing I had done this #got COLD dumped #and just started extrapolating how fucking miserable my Durge would be about it #like Ryla would still slog through and save the world #but I’m durgetash garbage so part of saving the world #in the end #meant killing the only person who ever loved Ryla #and he regrets it. and he’s miserable #and alone #so he goes to withers like “please just one more resurrection #Enver deserves the chance I got #to try and be better #and withers is like well. This makes my favorite mortal happy AND it will make bane SOOOOO MAD. #I see no downsides #so gortash gets a lil true rexzy and he and Ryla get to go on a life changing field trip #but NO ONE wants to read this and I fear for the wank that might come #since Astarion looks kinda. Bad. in this AU #and I’ve had people get mad in my comments over characters that haven’t appeared onscreen/had a chance to speak for themselves yet before #and it was really frustrating and upsetting #and I just don’t wanna do that again

[compacflt]

I just finished rereading Slider's oneshot and I loved it just as much as I always do. I was wondering if you had any thoughts on how the conversation between Ice and Cougar went at Ice's retirement ceremony. You gave us little snippets of it from Slider's point of view, but I'd love to hear more of it if you have thoughts on it you'd like to share.

this is such a kind ask. i have no idea

for the same reason there is no explicit reaction in ch 12 when ice first hears mav say i love you—i spent a good week low key trying to figure out whether a reaction was needed there—it’s such a potent powerful cocktail of so many wild & unfamiliar emotions that i don’t personally think i have the literary juice to even attempt to try to describe it

i also am allergic to writing ice or mav explicitly coming out to anyone because it gives me secondhand embarrassment for them. the idea of the commander of the pacific fleet having to psych himself up to awkwardly mumble “um i should’ve told you all this time … i think i…i think im gay” to his friend gives me the ick sorry he’s not fifteen years old. so he Could be doing the big lgbt rite of passage of emotionally apologizing and coming out to Cougar in that conversation. but he Could Also be doing the ‘im nearly sixty years old im not gonna bullshit you’ thing of simply saying: “you and I have been very shitty to each other in the past and i apologize for that in x,y,z way and you were right about me and maverick and we’re gonna make it official this summer and if you want to come we’d really love to have you & normalize diplomatic relations between us again, you’re a real great friend when you’re not being a massive fucking douche”

#slider doesn’t get to hear that convo for the meta reason of ‘he’s a sideline character he’s not important to the narrative at all’ #And to further the theme of the slider one shot that being ices friend is learning about his life secondhand & reading lips #was it Samuel delany who wrote that the post-stonewall act of coming out is just a way to play into boring straight ideas of #normal and notnormal? #that it is counterproductive & only serves to isolate lgbt people more by making their existence an event that needs to be commented on? #speaking as someone who Did have the teary ‘i think im a lesbian’ confession with my parents at 15 like… it shouldn’t be that serious #the whole point is just—ok this is a part of me so take it or leave it. #it’s neither conversation nor announcement. it’s just life. lol. just logistics. come to my wedding or don’t idgaf #tom iceman kazansky #ron slider kerner #bill cougar cortell #top gun #edts notes #my posting schedule might be wack for a week or so—am out of the country #will try to post around 10am ET the way i usually do #but that is solidly dinner time where i am currently so might miss it #i reread the slider oneshot all the way through for the first time since posting it to answer this ask #wow it’s pretty miserable isn’t it #btw in the original draft that went up to 2022 slider marries sarah which makes him and ice brothers for real. #one big happy family #send tweet

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#shout out to my nana for saying my dad spends money like water #my dad who struggles with the idea of spending money bc of obsessive compilation thoughts but is making an effort #bc whats the point of saving up all your life just to die. nana? my dad whose wife is literally dying of cancer and is beginning to circle #the drain so hes deciding he wants to start spending his retirement money now while shes still alive. u old witch. Jesus christ. my mum #isnt gonna live forever. shes getting her bladder removed in February i think. imo ill just b happy if she lives past the end of my 5year #program. like holy fuck. i mean. its not really nanas fault. she probably has 0cd and probably has 0cpd. but like this is y u wanna try to #get better. so you dont grow into a miserable old fuck whose family hates u bc ur awful and killing ur husband thru ur illness. just saying #as someone whose can see their own behaviors mirrored in her. this is y i cant go on like this lol #hopefully i hit my rock bottom last year. ugh. i just wish i could sleep. when im not super depressed i cant seem to get a normal amount of #sleep and im exhausted all afternoon. im awake at night and early in the morning. it makes me nauseous too. insomnia i guess #but ive always slept rather little. maybe it was compulsive and now im just old and cant take it #hate it. wish it would stop but at least i dont feel like dying anymore i guess. im guessing the meds r exacerbating thr sleep issues if not #causing it. ugh symptom management i guess #unrelated

[yelling-space]

pinned

idk how active ill be here but might as well make one these just encase //

Anyways hi this is my little space where i just yell into the void :)

mainly fear and hunger related + maybe 1 or 2 other simler things

general warnings:

dead dove here; will try 2 put tw/cw when I rember also its fear and hunger so u probs already know what ur in for

i go threw spirts of activity so my activity varies (will try 2 get back 2 ppl as fast i can tho!!)

i enjoy creepy/manipulative Pocketcat sorry if he jump scares u every now and then (rip daan)

not rly a warning but i am dyslexic and by no means a literally genius so don't expect my posts to be all that

i haven't played termina yet so take anything i say about it or any the charters with a grain of salt

mainly au/scenario rambles & hc dumping + potently art if i feel brave enough 2 try drawing men

#pinned post #fear and hunger #ive always wanted 2 use tumbler tags there so funny #oh i will repeatedly refer 2 charters like Daan and Cahara as whores (affectionally) cuz there my favs btw #i hope pocketcat makes daans life worse hes so silly #i hope caharas miserable im going 2 make his friendships in the dugon so Unnecessary complected it becomes 2 tiring 2 keep the happy mask u #why is the recommended tag femboy what are you trying 2 tell me tumbler

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

.

How to explain that going to church makes me hurt and angry, but not going to church makes me sad and depressed.

#I need to go to Mass. I need to get over the anxiety mental block and just go. #blue chatter #it’s just. I’ve only gone a couple times this semester and every time has left me feeling more empty and hurt than when I walked in #and I know Mass is more than just how you feel. and that it matters that I am there where God calls me to be #I know. #I wish nobody there knew me so they wouldn’t be so worried and ask questions about where I’ve been #it’s like. I cannot possibly explain to my church friends why I haven’t been showing up. #it’s not even scrupulosity anymore it’s just. I can’t be here. I don’t belong here. #and the new priest is trying *so hard*. I’ve been honest with him about how I’m struggling. #but it’s just. there’s something missing. he wants to include the congregation but fundamentally doesn’t understand what that means. #‘everyone is welcome. No I will not make an effort to include marginalized people. they’re welcome bc they can Walk In The Door.’ #and I know it’s not that the church has changed #if anything I’d be having the same issues with the old priest. I’m the one who’s changed. #but instead of spending my Sundays with God I’m just. melting into a puddle of Sad. and that’s not good for my faith life. #I need to do *something*. I just. any time I think of trying a new church i feel exhausted. #God please help me. #I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to be alone and miserable and losing touch with my faith

[sweetdreamspootypie]

*scream*

(ventpost)

"you know you're getting a bit old for meeting people if you want kids"

WHO'S FAULT IS THAT?!

Who chose to raise us in the middle of the the fucking woods?!

Who actively deliberately isolated us from our ethnic community because you were embarrassed by how we were failures and your internalized self racism makes you think all brown men as skeevy and you specifically wanted to keep us away from them and put effort into achieving that and cutting us off from all community connection?

Who let me switch to correspondence school and study alone at home because I said I was bored, instead of giving a single solitary fuck about me and noticing I was obviously depressed?

Who raised us abstinence only to the point that any mixing with the 'opposite' sex was unacceptable?

Who actively shut down any attempt I made to develop or act on hobbies or personal interests, because the only think I should be doing is studying?

Do you think that somehow the negative effects of keeping kids at home only allowed to do schoolwork and chores and unable to drive unable to leave the house unable to get a job unable to engage in hobbies unable to engage in community unable to leave the house... somehow the negative effects only apply if you're deliberately doing it for patriarchal cult reasons?

Bitch managed to raise us fully traditional entirely by accident

With a good dash of learned helplessness with constant messaging that were incapable of managing to do anything or survive by ourselves

I've only been out the house for 3 years! And 2 of that was the last year of the degree and the first year of the job being a new grad Covid nurse in peak Covid!

I've only been able to breathe for one year!

I've had one year of freedom and I've been using it to learn how to be human for the first time!

And you've spent that year telling me to break up with everyone I happen to meet!

Don't fucking tell me I'm too old now

You were supposed to help me!

You knew I wanted kids! Why didn't you help me earlier!

You did everything you could to keep me isolated because you were projecting your own trust issues onto me and never stopped to think what effect that might have when you're raising someone!

Why does generational trauma have to be so mundane

#Vent post #Negativity #My posts #My life #Aka I have spent one single evening with my family #Day 1 of a full 30 days #Luckily I'll be with my dad not my mother #The way he doesn't care about me is a lot less sharp for me these days at least #He saves that all for not giving a shit about my sibling #I'm going on a quest to reconnect with my family and heritage #This is a great start #.... She's not wrong tbh #But it's still a sore spot #Haydn's parents bought me supplies for the hobbies I want to try #Ive wanted to do them for 10 years #But I've only just now got the freedom and support to start #I'm a beginner now at everything #But I'm starting. #I'm starting. #Just let me live. #Without making mundane things into stress. #Haydn's mum is so nice. #I know mine is stressed and has a hard life too #But she's miserable for the same reason I am #Right #Flight tomorrow #Gotta sleep #And think morw positive thoughts #My birthday just gone is the best one #Thank you for making me feel loved

[chicago-geniza]

Shoutout to my mother for taping HOW TO UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER instructions to the front of the dishwasher, it has taken many years but at long last she has gotten the general gist of my brain problems (she was married to my dad and shared a room with my aunt growing up, after all) and is being genuinely helpful in material and meaningful ways. Thenk u momther 4 my ADL assistance

#My dad had. Pretty all of my brain problems compounded by the worldview of a white guy born in 1951 in southern Illinois #So just kept making successive wives and then his daughters be his caretakers and was a huge entitled asshole about it and also #A violent drunk until he stopped drinking and dealt with shame about not being The Right Kind of Man etc etc etc #aunt was like if 3 anxiety disorders in a trench coat were a person and that person was a hoarder #And could not organize or keep any space clean or remember anything to save her life #Obsessed with baseball freaky good at languages never had a job #Had two degrees from Ivy League schools #The ones who died young in institutions are extreme examples but there are so many members of my family I see as #Cautionary tales because almost all of us are crazy and on the autism-OCD-schizophrenia spectrum and so many people end up #Miserable and terrified or in awful relationships or whatever because they try to have regular lives and do things like regular people #Like bestie We Can't <333 #That Way Lies Misery <333 #Only happy person among grandparents' kids is the uncle who went thru intensive therapy became a freelance software engineer #And now lives in the desert with his wife except when they visit the farm to take care of the grandkids during harvest season

[bonesrbleaching]

had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what

#lolaa.txt #what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!' #'i wouldnt lie to you!' #okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time. #its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa #also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!' #yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up. #i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men #and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man #so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up. #and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face #that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense. #shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin #you dont have to worry about anyone else. #im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to #never really have #im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are #if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box #then when would you have any space for self discovery #youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats #and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that. #and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names #and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy #and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares. #and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look? #then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness. #SORRY RANT OVER. #im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric. #tw homophobia #tw transphobes

[crimsongrimoire]

hi ive been sick so of course that means ive been thinking about kaeya being sick and sooo pathetic about it again

#crow.txt #kaeluc #genshin #snippets #fluff #slowly chipping away at this even more. Ugh #tbh the bulk of this was written like. last night and just now. i was letting the thoughts microwave with my weird intermittent fever #literally got two vaccines at once and got attacked by a secret third thing (the common cold for the first time in like 4 years) #it was somehow the best week i couldve picked to just COMPLETELY miss work apparently so its fine i guess #sidebote dont try to do taxes while sick. i didnt end up completing them but it was funny i even thought i was capable #is this comprehensivle is this legible idk i just want to make kaeya be miserable and forced to let someone take care of him abt it #that is soup for Me. in my Soul. #kaeya be like 'wtf treating me like a little kid' when he said he wanted to be taken care of in the summer event like 2 yrs ago #other people may have forgotten but i have Not i will Never. this man will complain about having adult responsibilities #and then when someone tries to take care of him or do things for him out of kindness hes like HAHA WAIT NOW HOLD ON- #little fool make up your mind. why are you so everything always #kaeya be like relying on someone for something under no guise of professional matters? in MY life? i dont think so #(diluc jean lisa and rosaria will remember this (and not let him get away with it)) #and klee too but like shes little baby she doesnt even understand any of this and he would feel extremely mean rejecting kindness from #a little kid. so sometimes she brings him her funny little toast for breakfast and he says awwww thank you :)

[pastel-rights]

And then I finally end it off with some doodles of them… they make me feel things.

#ringmaster doodles #sona art #( they’re very much the theme of. love in the face of the neverending march of time. ) #( being immortal and knowing you will outlive the man you love because someone else deemed he unworthy of eternal life. ) #( he may still have tens of thousands of years left. sure. but you know that those will go by and he’ll disappear in the blink of an eye. ) #( and you’ll sit there on his death bed. wondering why did things end up like this? ) #( wondering what you did wrong. and if you could have done something different. you’ll always ask yourself. ) #( if he lives a life of happiness and comfort or did he live a life as gruesome and miserable as the wars on earth? but you won’t know. ) #( and the more you think about it. the more you realize it. how nihilistic he was. and how he never seemed to smile even in the good times. #he always seemed to have a frown or a scowl on his face. he always seems bothered and unhappy. ) #( so you wonder if it was something you did. because you know you aren’t perfect. you’re hardly good. ) #( you wonder if he’s mad at you. maybe he was. but he doesn’t have the heart to stay mad. ) #( and that’s love in the face of adversity. knowing that no matter how bad it gets. he loves you as you love him. ) #( and you wonder why he never smiles. because he truly never does. and so you ask him. honest and true. ) #( and he tells you there isn’t anything worth smiling for. nothing in this whole world. ) #( but he smiles at you. it’s always small. and it’s always brief. ) #( but that smile. that smile means love. ) #( that hug. as flimsy as it may be. that hug means love. ) #( of course. he isn’t affectionate. if anything. he detests it. he hates physical contact of any kind. you’ve noticed. ) #( which is a shame. you love your hugs and your kisses and your hand holding. ) #( but even if he doesn’t like it. he lets you do it. because it makes you happy. ) #( and you learn that when you’re happy. he’s a little less miserable. ) #( of course. not all love is equal. and not all love is fair. ) #( the love from a lover and the love from the father can never equate to one another. ) #( no one will love you in the same way a father or mother loves you. in the same manner. no one will ever love you the way I do. ) #( because my love will remain with you. long after I disappear. ) #( and as bitter as the idea of my own existence coming to an end is. knowing I did all of this for. essentially nothing. ) #( that I’ve gone through all this pain and suffering and hardship just for it to all amount to nothing. for it to be fucking useless to try. #I get to die knowing that you’ll always love and be loved. and that’s enough for me… ) #( … maybe there is something worth smiling for after all. )

[wyvernwinding]

it's finals week can people not leave well enough alone i am trying to study not get bogged down in stupid useless friend drama that i tried to remove myself from a literal year ago

#genuinely screaming ugh ugh ugh i have better stuff to do than this!!! #friend sent a message to my partner condemning his attempt to make a safe place for himself and his friends because it was “exclusionary” #and “otherwise not fair.” he shows me this message #and i am very hurt by the things friend said about me and the person that makes me uncomfortable. friend messages me to offer to talk #and i leave her on read. friend reiterates that she is sorry and i say i'll speak to her after finals are over. #and now gf of uncomfortable guy just messaged my partner to ask to talk???? #because “i've heard that there are people that want to make things a bit messy” ?? #can you please! stop!! trying to stop people from setting boundaries! and then blaming me because the boundaries i set are ones you don't #like!!! this is so so stupid! i have exams to study for and classes to pass!!!can you not wait a damn week before you go and make my life #miserable with all your stupid questions because you don't know when to leave things be!! good god. i'm so fucking tired. #vent #mufie.txt

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#ever sit like a corpse in your own body? #im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we #deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to #give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway. #who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in #the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when #projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing #dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will #ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do #something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r #stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even #then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a #broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what? #lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything #done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i #think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with #thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno #whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is #hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse #but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday #unrelated