#what the hell scholastic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

eveandtheturtles · 1 year

Text

Gym Buddies Part 3 - NSFW

FINALLY I got to finish this. I think I went through like 3 different versions even before I got to the smut part lol. I hope the wait was worth it. To read the other 2 parts check my masterlist.

Pairing: Raphael x cis!fem!Reader

Rating: NC-17, everyone is in legal adult age.

Tagging: @turtle-babe83 @thelaundrybitch @leosgirl82 @madammuffins @sharpwindow @m1dnyt3-w0lf @scholastic-dragon @tinkabelle19 @pheradream-15 @dilucsflame33

After the confession and the kiss in the Weights Room, you and Raph were going out and surprisingly taking things slow. There were a lot of passionate kisses, sure. The first few weeks were quite playful but also… not that different from how you normally behaved. And you were grateful for that. You were over the phase of rushing head-first into the new relationship just to watch it crash and burn later. Or so you told yourself.

The truth was you were nervous. You didn't want to lose Raph. What if he decided you two were just not... Compatible enough and- nope. Not going in that direction.

You were on a mission today. Very important mission. To finally bed your turtle boyfriend. So, whatever the deal was you'd find out soon enough. To hell with nerves.

You packed your tightest yoga pants that made your ass look amazing and bonus points - they were red. No underwear for extra credit. The sports bra you chose had the lowest cut you could get without the girls spilling out. Your weapon of choice being yoga. He wouldn't know what hit him.

You have been practicing yoga for a while now on suggestion from your therapist. It calmed you down and helped with anxiety at the end of the day, especially when you couldn't visit the lair. Raph didn't know yet. You couldn't wait to show off.

You arrived at the lair dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt, sports bag over your arm as per usual.

"Hey babe," you walked up to Raph and stood on your tiptoes to give him a kiss.

"Hey doll," he wrapped his massive arm around your waist. "Ready to be sweatin' today?" He joked.

He had no idea. You grinned.

"Yeah, although I hope you don't mind, I wanted to do some of my yoga today instead. Hope you don't mind."

"Uh, sure, I didn't know you were into that stuff," he tilted his head.

"My therapist suggested it. It's good workout, keeps me nimble and grounded." You booped his snout.

"Sounds like something Leo would enjoy," Raph snorted, side eyeing his blue brother who was currently sulking after being destroyed by Mikey in Mario Kart.

As if he knew they were talking about him, Leo looked up and glared at Raph. Ralph just flipped him off.

"Well, I certainly hope that you will enjoy it enough to join me later," you bit your lower lip, excited but also nervous about your plan. "I'll see you later." You quickly left a peck on Raph's lips and scurried off to enact your plan.

You changed quickly in your designated area. Then you went to spread your yoga mat and started with some warm up stances.

Raph arrived a while later with a water bottle and towel over his shoulder. It was perfect timing as you were in a downward facing dog position. The water bottle slipped through his fingers as he froze.

"Hi!" You greeted him cheerfully, seeing him from between your legs.

He fumbled trying to catch the bottle before it hit the floor. He cleared his throat.

"H-hi," he said, his voice unnaturally lower than usual. He almost walked into the weights rack as you were slowly shifting your position.

You went with the extended version of your usual routine. You practiced all the necessary poses beforehand so you wouldn't fumble or pull something by accident. You could hear the dumbbells being lifted but there was no actual purpose to them. Good. That was your plan. You always made sure to do poses that would expose your ass or chest facing Raph so you could see the hypnotized, dumbfounded expression on his face. It was taking everything in you not to laugh but you could also see the tent in his shorts. Excellent.

All this teasing and anticipation were making you wet, trying to guess when he would snap. By the end of the routine you were a bit sweaty. The wet triangle on the bra was accompanied by your perky nipples poking through.

"Whew," you sighed. "That was good, right Raph?" You turned to him as you grabbed your towel to wipe your face clean. "I am going to hit the showers."

The death grip he had on that dumbbell was starting to bend the metal. He hasn't moved a lick for the past 5 minutes.

"Uh-huh," he replied oh so intelligently. His eyes were transfixed on your body.

"Raph? You okay?" You approached him and stopped right in front of him.

Suddenly he snapped. In less than a blink you were now on your back on the weight lifting bench.

"The fuck you are pulling, doll?" He growled. One hand was pinning your wrist above your head, the other was on your waist.

You licked your lips, swallowing and looking innocently at him.

"I don't know what you mean~" you replied.

"Don't give me that bullshit," he hissed. "I'm not stupid."

"I know," you said huskily. "I just thought you might need a bit of a push since we haven't yet- you know."

He placed his forehead on your shoulder and made a deep growl.

"Doll, you are going to kill me and I am trying so hard to go easy on you," he said. Your wrists were released.

"Why?" You asked, stroking the back of his head. There was more to the slow pace then?

Ralph hesitated for a moment. "Well… me and the guys were joking around one day before you came along," he whined and you could feel him turning his face to your neck. His snout slid over your skin and he inhaled your scent. "That whoever ends up dating humans should be careful not to break them. You are so squishy," he mumbled. "And Mikey said that if anyone was gonna break their human it would be me…" He watched his hands, stroking circles over your hips.

Oh. Oh, silly Raph.

“Babe.” You took his face between your hands. “You are never going to break me. Well, there are sex accidents but that happens also between humans, and if I ever land in ER because of your dick - No. Regrets. I’m gonna ride it so hard you gonna break.” You squished his cheeks staring him right in the eye. “You hear me?”

You could tell by the way his face heated up under your palms and how his pupils expanded that he got the idea.

“Any other questions?”

He shook his head.

“What are we waiting for then?”

He blinked slowly. The next thing you knew his mouth was on you, kissing you madly. His kisses were always intense but this one was making it especially hard to think, knocking your air out. His tongue was so hot in your mouth it made your core drip even harder just to imagine what would happen when it’d land on your sex. You moaned, scratching his scalp under his bandana. Then you heard your shorts ripping in half and now you were kneeling on the weight training bench. Raph's face was between your legs. His strong hands were on your thighs. You heard a loud churr as his tongue brushed over your folds and that was all the warning you got. You got your wish. He started eating you out like a man starving. He lapped at your juices, sucking and kissing your pussy. That talented tongue pushed inside and moved with purpose, fast. (“And furious”, you giggled to yourself between soft moans.) His forefinger found your clit and pressed to it, rubbing slow circles. You rode his face, gasping in delight. His other hand squeezed and slapped your ass. He was good at multitasking.

“Raphie~” you moaned.

His tongue moved in and out of you, rubbing, tracing, fucking you. God, you needed that! You loved the friction. The roughness of his finger on your clit. The callouses. Your magnificent warrior. And now you were falling apart riding his face.

The orgasm hit with a shudder and heat. You held onto your lover's head, squeezing him between your thighs to just fall backward into his lap. He was grinning at you like a cat who got the canary. You were grinning back at him like the canary who knew that could get so much good time out of the cat.

Raph helped you sit up properly, you waited patiently for him to undo his pants. His cock sprung up ready and you could see the precum pearling at the tip. He was so big and you briefly worried about the reality of your ER joke. Eh, you only live once, right? Fuck it. Your reached down and slipped your hand over the proud dick. It felt so thick and hot in your hand. You squeezed and he groaned.

“Babe, it’s all yours, don’t tease,” he whined. You giggled, pumping him a few times. Your fingers barely touched around his full girth.

“Oh, I know. I know,” you cooed.

Using his knees as support you began to lower yourself on him. Slow and steady. You were already almost a slip-and-slide down there but he still was a challenge. It gave you an excellent opportunity to torture him a little.

The head went in with no problem. You went down until you felt just a smidge of resistance, then gave him a small squeeze, watching his delightful expressions. He was clearly holding his breath, focused on your pussy, slowly swallowing him in. He groaned, licking his lips. Then you went up again, almost letting him slip out. He looked back up at your face alarmed. You winked and went down again, this time taking in more of him. Then back up again. Rinse and repeat. You did it two more times.

You groaned, feeling yourself needing more but this was too much fun. During your performance, Raph got a hold of your breast, calloused fingers stroking your nipple. Oh yes, you were enjoying this. Until the growl.

“That’s enough, doll.”

Raph gripped your hips abruptly and shoved you down. You almost saw stars, gasping. You knew he was strong. You knew how much exactly he could bench press. You never expected this skill to be used on you.

Your turtle beu held one hand on your hips and the other under your armpit. You held onto his arms as he began to use you. Faster and faster.

“Oh god, Raph!” You moaned. You held on for dear life. His dick was stretching you, rubbing you in all the right places. Faster, faster. You were out of breath.

“FUCK” You both screamed out. You inhaled sharply as the second orgasm wrecked your body. You felt him pumping you full, so full you were making a mess of the floor, his and your (already messed up) pants.

You leaned against his chest, heaving. You could feel his heart beating through his plastron, going 100 miles per hour. You smiled.

“See, you didn’t break me,” you joked.

He laughed. “You are unbelievable!”

You both kissed.

“If you’re both done!” Splinter’s shout reached your ears and you blushed like crazy. “I would like to ask you to clean up after yourself!”

Right… the gym didn’t have doors.

“Fuck,” you dropped your head onto Raph’s plastron, mortified. Could Earth swallow you faster?

“Sure thing dad!” Your boyfriend shouted back.

“Thanks, Raph! I just won a 20!” Mikey’s shout also reached you.

“Fuck you guys!”

All he got back was laughter and hollering.

#tmnt 2016 #tmnt #eve scribbles #bayverse turtles #tmnt bayverse #tmnt fanfiction #raphael x you #raphael x reader #raphael tmnt #god I hope people don't find me annoying lol

72 notes · View notes

looseduke · 1 year

Text

realms other then the neverafter, the endless nights, and whatever aesop has going on (that definitely exist no matter what brennan tells you):

the “hell sites” — comprised of all the stories people tell to look cool on the internet. oppa homeless style. that one reylo. and everyone clapped. goncharov is there

the “fair lands” — world made of all those fucked up books you would find at scholastic book fairs as a kid that completely rocked your understanding of the world and that every single one of your classmates read but immediately faded from relevance. notable examples: the scary stories to tell in the dark series, sideways stories from wayside school

“discordia” — realm of every single online rp community that exists. true hell

“#GAMERSONLY” — video game realm. undertale AND overwatch. fortnite island. it’s perfect

“the cw” — home to hit shows such as supernatural and riverdale

“ao3” — ao3.

#this is my worst post. anyway add ur own in the tags #dimension 20 #neverafter #d20 neverafter

123 notes · View notes

catchyhuh · 7 months

Text

i bet you were insufferable as a child

and since we know this about lupin and jigen for a fact we’re actually just gonna focus on the other three for now! yippee!! the "tms forgot i exist" special lineup!

fujiko:

i know she was a weird girl. i KNOW this bitch had a gigantic bookshelf filled with all the standard cute, girly beginner chapter books, but also those big fucking scholastic book fair pretend spy kits and shit. i don’t think she was ever the “play in the dirt and come home covered in grass stains and mud” type of kid, mostly because it just felt gross to her, but i DO think she was completely unhinged in an indoors sense. the kind of child who just starts talking your ear off acting like they know everything there is to know about frogs because they read one book so OBVIOUSLY they know ALL about FROGS!!

absolutely adored those cheap horrible nail polish sets where the brush is the size of a q-tip swab. she also chewed on her nails though, so imagine the standard tiny hand with thin, watery, glittery purple polish on just the roundest, bluntest nails possible. that same hand is also thinking really hard about how to best pocket your coin purse though so like,

i think she had siblings. she was in the perfect spot where she wasn’t in the league with the older, more achieved kids, but wasn’t young enough to be babied and spoiled like the little ones. which takes quite a strange toll on you growing up. it’s why her demeanor now tends to go between taking advantage of the fact a lot of people don’t expect anything from her, to “why are you ignoring me?! what’s that about!!”

fujiko def developed her evil selfgaining tendencies before she even left the fifth grade. if you think she’s difficult to bargain with NOW, imagine what she was like in middle school when [pogs/pokemon cards/silly bandz/insert era appropriate cafeteria currency here] was big. she went through the school system curating personal black markets. it would be impressive if she wasn’t so terrifyingly cutthroat about it

in the nicest way possible, if the stars had aligned, and by some miracle all five of them were the same exact age and met in kindergarten, she… would not have been friends with any of them. well, partially. there’s a very sharp gender divide when you’re first starting school, so i think she kind of “made friends” with nice enough girls, but she absolutely thought lupin was obnoxious, she thought goemon didn’t like her because he rarely spoke to her, jigen thought it was hilarious to antagonize her, and zenigata was just kind of whatever, like he wasn’t a jerk, but he wasn’t exceedingly nice. like he gave her a colored pencil to borrow and that was the extent of that. at best, if goemon was forced to really socialize, she and goemon would get along well enough, but that’s also because she’s bossy as HELL and goemon just goes along with whatever, even now, so ESPECIALLY back when he was an impressionable child!

goemon:

god. you know the kid that sits on the edge of the playground that the teachers all go “aw, bless his heart. just a little old soul.” poor baby goemon

i don’t really think there was as much pressure on goemon to live up to his legacy the way there was for lupin. i’ve mentioned it before, but goemon’s relationship with the original goemon is very different from lup’s relationship with his grandpa, or even dad, and it’s not just because of the time gap. goemon CHOSE to emulate his nakesake’s abilities and talents, where lupin kind of had no choice. and because of this, goemon’s transition into his current lifestyle was much more gradual. i’d say he probably only started making an effort to BE “goemonlike” when he reached his mid-to-late teens. i know hes like 17 in the og manga so if any of this contradicts that Shh no it doesn’t

his quietness wasn’t entirely the result of being shy either. he just didn’t really know what to say at most points? he was (and still is) pretty blunt, and realized pretty quickly and very naturally that people outside of his immediate family didn’t know what to make of him when he answered rhetorical questions completely honestly and sincerely. so he kinda just. retreated inward a bit. he started to get a bit more talkative as he grew, but then he committed to his training and learned the importance of “meaning every word you say” so then he started getting quiet AGAIN

you would think he would be the easiest kid to look after. uh no. even in a pre-slashy slashy era he’s very naturally destructive, which is insane given how tenderly he treats certain stuff within the house. you go “ok goemon this is my dog’s favorite food bowl. it belonged to HER mom so that’s very old for dogs.” and he gives you this exceedingly serious nod and uses both hands to slowly set it down on the ground for the dog to eat out of. but then you go “goemon is that your great great great grandfather’s handmade teapot?” and he goes “is it?” and just in the process of him setting it on the counter it has shattered in two. little man is devastated but hey nobody was drinking out of that thing anyway so just krazy glue that fucker and the tears will subside

zenigata:

is there anything at all funnier than an angry 6yo. yeah. an angry 2yo. and even funnier than that, an angry infant. he didn’t even have anything to actually be pissed about, that’s just naturally how his eyebrows sit and HAVE been his entire life. i would give up my pinky just to see even a glimpse of the absolute comedy jackpot known as his baby pictures

not a revolutionary take by any means but he was definitely the “YOU CAN’T DO THAT WE’RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE!!” kid. however he was absolutely not even REMOTELY the “didn’t we have homework?” kid because you know damn well he never remembered to do that shit. unless he knew a kid he didn’t like ALSO didn’t do the homework, then yeah, he’d absolutely go down with the ship just to get back at the little bastard.

in that same vein he would absolutely be the easiest to babysit. “but his demeanor--” shh you are thinking too far ahead. this guy has no obligations. this guy has personal beef with like two random kids in his neighborhood. he has yet to grow a taste for calling superiors idiots who don’t know what they’re talking about. so as long as you actually tell him in plain terms “please do x” or “don’t do y because z” he’ll be fine. you tell this kid to set the table and he’s tripping over his feet putting the spoons and forks in the wrong places. also you’re just having chicken nuggets so i don’t even know why he did that. he didn’t grab plates.

do not mistake the above for him being a “good” kid because this just means he was unfortunately one of those horrible kids who are very polite in front of certain people and absolute monsters in front of those he doesn’t like. does that sound contradictory to the above bullet points? that’s just how children are. he was not a bully at any point in his life but he was so extreme with his ANTI bullying shit that he ended up in the principal’s office just as much, covered in bruises and star wars bandaids. all throughout his school years. he was still doing this shit in high school he’d overhear somebody being a douchebag and just push them off the bleachers. let ‘em fall 10 feet it builds character.

#i had 6 baby cousins growing up baby neighbors and work with children TRUST me bro i KNOW this stuff #lupin iii #lupin the third #fujiko #goemon #zenigata #sorry for midnight posting btw i was exhausted after halloweening and only started my day at like 5 pm! oopsie!

23 notes · View notes

tippenfunkaport · 10 months

Text

Official Dreamworks Digital SPOP Releases

I put a bunch of these in other posts I've posted before or things I queued up to post later when i was archiving everything form the Twitter account but since we were talking about this I might as well collect them all in one post...

The She-Ra Page on the Dreamworks activity center links to many (some of the links are broken) of the official digital merch they made.

There are Zoom backgrounds, watch along bingo cards, recipies, and some printable paper craft things like the mini-figs from Roll With It, the She-Ra Sword, and the valentines (which also include a papercraft model of Bow's arrow).

The She-Ra virtual reality room which is kinda boring but props to them for trying, I guess.

For use with VR set ups, obvs, but you can view it in a browser as well.

Want something really random? Scholastic had a math handout they did as part of their newsletter for schools featuring Marcus Scribner as Bow. Brand synergy is a mysterious thing.

The text version is here if you prefer to read

Lastly, there was a handout on how to read First Ones language also done by Scholastic to cross promote the books...

There was also a paper hand out they had at the Scholastic booth at cons and I actually own that but I don't have time to find / scan it at the moment.

There was an official She-Ra Instagram filter (beloved of my children) which is alas no more but you can see their IG story about it here (assuming that link works?)

And, of course, there is the sticker app which is still available in an app store near you and I uploaded most of the stickers from it to Tumblr a while ago as well.

Lastly, a lot more of the printable crafts they did can be found on @dreamworksshera which is the official tumblr of the show. There's a pattern to make Bow's shirt, Spinnerella themed pinwheels, a Sea Hawk flag, Netossa net and Mermista smoothie that I remember off the top of my head. Unfortunately, whoever ran that account did not understand tagging at all so they are very hard to find but such is life!

cc-ing @n7punk and @clarenecessities just since this conversation is all over the place and confusing as hell

#spop #shera #she ra #marcus scribner #dreamworks #scholastic #official merchandise #bow #long post #i am nearly positive there are more scholastic handouts but I haven't been able to find them

46 notes · View notes

butchriptide · 3 months

Text

genuinely really frustrating that people will like. choose to accept the age mistake made in assassin as canon for deathbringer when it actively contradicts older material. like. sorry idk if this is me being unfair here but genuinely like. why would you think it's intentional when deathbringer is described in main series as maybe a year or two older than glory at most, and can canonically not be any older than 9 due to stated timeline facts in the main series.

like. I get not liking glorybringer, i really do. no ship is for everyone. hell, even if assassin specifically makes you feel weird about it, so be it, to each their own. i can undertsnad that too. and yes, the glorybringer fans who think the age gap are canon are also in the wrong. they're being really gross, i don't think it's necessary to disclaim that, that feels given, but like... that only comes to my point still of like, i really don't understand taking a spin-off as canon over the main series. i don't really understand prioritizing later content as canon as opposed to the main work over spin-off as canon. why should a spin-off take jurisdiction just cuz it's newer? i feel like the older the canon is, the more likely it is the newer stuff will make mistakes. to me, in the case of a contradiction, the main series should be taken to? a spin-off is meant to supplement the main series, so shouldn't it only supplement canon that doesn't contradict?

like also, i get being frustrated it isn't fixed, but also. like. i obviously have not worked with a publisher before, but if I was writing for fucking scholastic books, no matter how well fucking beloved my series was, I don't know if I could risk being like "hey. can you pull my books from shelves and e-stores for me so that I can edit one line?" Like. I really don't think there's any reality in which I can make a corporation agree to that kind of thing, no matter what that one line may fuck up about my main story. like it's not even the only mistake she makes in the winglets. she calls deathbringer a rainwing in the flip book, but we're not hailing that as canon in retrospect, right? I don't know. I think it's unfair to presume that she's choosing not to fix it as opposed to it being an improbable to downright impossible thing to ask of a publisher. like yes tui is an incredibly successful author but i really don't know if we can presume she has that much actual sway on her publisher.

it's just really exhausting as a deathbringer enjoyer to feel like if I want to talk about and enjoy his character, and yes, that includes context given in the assassin winglet once you ignore the timeline error, i feel like I constantlyyy have to be saying "yes I think the timeline error is an error. no i don't think deathbringer is 13." like. every time i bring him up. i'm a riptide fan I'm used to it but also it's sooooo tiring to go into a character tag for a guy i like and be swamped with hatred for him and it's so much worse for deathbringer than riptide because in the deathbringer tag I have to deal with being actively accused of excusing gross shit for liking him instead of people just saying that my blorbo is boring.

#by nightwings standards deathbringer isn't even a fucking adult. like even when I was first reading the books he never read as an adult to #me. and the assassin winglet only further adds to this for me not lessens. he reads so much as #teenager/barely in his 20s guy who grew up #way too fucking fast for his own good but fully buys into his own narrative that he's got everything sorted and together #the way the age system works as I've always interpreted it is that like. each age up to 7 covers a wide but decreasing number of human #maturity years every time and then slows to the years being one-to-one by the time they're 7 #with 7 corresponding to 18 #which makes the nightwings not counting dragonets as fully grown until 10 the equivalent to how 21 is kind of like being an Actual Adult #law wise in America at least i mean to say #deathbringer can't even legally buy beer yet is what I'm saying. some hotels wouldn't let him check in without an accompanying adult #deathbringer #misc #wings of fire #wof #sorry for complaining in main tag but I'm so fucking tired of being made to feel gross for liking a character over material that #no casual fan of the series is even going to know exists or read that is so clearly a timeline error based on everything in the actual #series that I read #does my joke about him not being able to buy beer make up for it #do you guys still think i'm cool #on the note of publishing too #there's no reason to think scholastic could even make it happen in a timely fashion even if tui did ask for the change to the books. like.#looking up working with scholastic reviews some of the most common negative reviews are about poor management #i'm not trying to white knight for her or anything i think she's a flawed human being like anyone else I just think if ur gonna critique he #you should do it about stuff that's like actually poorly handled in her series. not a timeline error in a spin-off. like. come on.

14 notes · View notes

literaticat · 7 months

Note

I thought the main appeal of scholastic (YA & mg is all I know about) was the fair component? I've heard from several scholastic authors the vast, vast majority of their sales came from the fair and there wasn't much done beyond that. As in, really nothing.

So assuming you are a marginalized author signing with Scholastic, it's likely the sales will be majorly different post this decision to let folks opt out of books with marginalized rep, right? I find that deeply concerning and certainly worth a boycott of the publisher as a whole. Or am I not seeing some other factor here?

While it's true that Scholastic can move a lotta paper through their clubs and fairs -- Scholastic clubs and fairs doesn't necessarily pick up every book that Scholastic Press publishes -- and Scholastic Clubs and Fairs carry more than just Scholastic books.

(For example, I just looked at the random first page of the Scholastic Clubs YA section, and while there are Scholastic books there, I also spy titles from Harper, S&S, Disney, Viz Media, Abrams...)

I totally understand being concerned and irate about this bone-headed "opt-out policy." I am, too. But I also know that Scholastic Clubs and Fairs has a looooong legacy of making sort of mealy-mouthed and lousy "try to please everyone" decisions -- that for sure isn't new. I mean I get WHY -- they have accounts across the political and socio-economic spectrum and they don't want to lose money -- but if course, you can't please everyone, and when you try to please everyone, it ultimately pleases no-one.

It ALSO makes me beyond-words angry that this policy actually exists (VERY SADLY) because the environment in some school districts and states has gotten so dramatic of late that teachers and librarians are being targeted, harassed, fired and sued over diverse books, and that a handful of complete assholes are making it impossible for educators to share great books with their classrooms, that teachers jobs are being threatened because certain books *exist* on school property, etc.

I think there's better ways for Scholastic to deal with it, probably, and I'm guessing that they are currently scrambling to figure those ways out. (Or not! I don't know! But I AM pretty sure that they are scared as hell -- in my mind I'm picturing a bunch of clubs and fairs people cowering behind Clifford the Big Red Dog as both liberals and conservatives wave pitchforks and torches at them. CLIFFORD, DO SOMETHING!)

So yeah. I dunno, I do think that the Clubs/Fairs business is at some kind of crossroads right now, and yes, it could be that how they work will end up changing even more, and that might affect author's bottom lines. It's definitely something to watch out for and be mindful of. So far I haven't seen dramatic dips in Clubs/Fairs income for my authors, but I also haven't been doing like a *forensic analysis* of it, nor can I see what the big picture numbers look like.

As far as a boycott, what I'd ask anyone to consider is, what does a boycott of Scholastic look like? And who is it helping?

Is it that you/the public aren't buying any Scholastic books? When they DO publish loads of marginalized authors? You'd certainly be making an impact on those authors, but not a positive one. In fact, I'd argue that the book banners who are behind all this chaos would LOVE for you to boycott Scholastic. They are, in fact, URGING people to boycott Scholastic. I've seen material from certain right wing groups about how Scholastic and their authors are degenerates that literally made me sick to my stomach with fear for my authors' physical and mental well being. I definitely don't want to do what THOSE people want us to do.

Is it that you, as a parent or school administrator or whatever, decide not to do a Scholastic book fair at your school? I get that, and as far as I'm concerned, as long as you are doing that for nice, wholesome reasons, like you want MORE diverse books in your school and you'd rather support a local independent bookstore who can bring great books in, it sounds like a fine idea to me. (If you are doing it because you don't want kids to have access to ANY BOOKS or something, well, that's gross as hell!)

Is it that you, as an author, are asking your agent not to submit to Scholastic? That's totally within your rights, and it's perfectly OK -- but also, they DO have some great editors, and I think it's also perfectly OK to not want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so if you DON'T want to avoid them, I don't think that's a problem.

I'll be watching how all of this continues to play out, and I'll be watching the royalty statements and such, and if there comes a point where there IS a huge dip in income or something like that, where it seems like "OK, they are not a viable publishing partner" -- that's another conversation. But so far we aren't there, that I can see. I reserve the right to change my mind!

In the meantime, I URGE YOU, VOTE, especially in local elections -- people just don't vote for School Board and such, so the only people who ARE reliably voting are the terrible people, which is how they get so much power. If you can, give money to organizations that are fighting the good fight against censorship and protecting librarians and educators. And if you have it in you, get involved with your local library board, school board, PTA, or whatever you have to do to BE IN THE ROOM when these psychos are trying to ban books and take away children's freedom to read.

21 notes · View notes

e-adlirez · 5 months

Text

Okay so this is a part 2 to @echoflare841's question because I quickly realized that this is gonna be one helluva mega post if I slapped it all into one post. You might wanna sit down for this one, and uh, if you wish to maintain your innocence and not develop a whole new infuriation towards Scholastic for being so damn slow with translations, then uh, this is your chance to leave and keep Pandora's box unopened, I'll see you when my brainrot allows me to actually do something ^^. Here's a little guy to take with you on your travels.

Still here? Aight, cool. Buckle up.

Scholastic currently has five of the Thea Stilton series translated to English for us to consume, and that's 36 books in the main series, 19 books (on paper) in the Mouseford series, 9 special editions, the Treasure Seekers trilogy, and four Classic Tales. (The graphic novels were released by Papercutz, a company independent of Scholastic.) Now, if we're gonna tally up EdiPiemme's arsenal of Thea Stilton books (and I do mean arsenal), one thing you're gonna have to remember is that Thea Stilton itself is a franchise, not a series. Yes, the Thea Sisters are the spotlight in most of these, but there are some series that fall under the Thea Stilton franchise that are rather different and simply are an extension of the Geronimo Stilton Literary Universe.

Anyway so with that, this is what EdiPiemme has in Thea Stilton books, as of 2023:

59 books in the main series (Avventura)

61 books in the Mouseford series (Vita al College)

12 special edition books, plus the Treasure Seekers trilogy

12 Classic Tales or Libri del Cuore (they did Jane Eyre ya'll as a ninth grade Jane Eyre fan I am surprised)

11 Heart Detective books (Detective del Cuore, basically the girls open up a hobbyist detective agency dedicated to the romantic, the infatuated, and the people who are too shy to confess to their crushes. They play part-detective, part-matchmaker in helping two people who have crushes on each other get together. I think. The detective agency tho I'm very certain on, it's the cutest thing they've done so far)

5 Secret Diaries, just some extra content in the form of a diary all five girls share. Stuff about their lives you don't get to see in adventures that much, and it's cute :D

5 Secrets of the Thea Sisters -- i-it's just five kids' activity books but Thea Sister-themed and also some lore

3 books in Sirene, which is a fantasy thing where the Thea Sisters find a magic link in Whale Island that leads to a mermaid kingdom :D if you felt clickbaited by the special editions because they don't actually have the girls become fairies or something, then Sirene actually has them turn into mermaids for their time in the Cobalt Kingdom :D

23 books in Incanto-- it's a KoF spinoff that follows a group of KoF princesses and princes trying to save it from uh big baddies :D

3 books in Three Girls in the Court of King Arthur, once again another spinoff that circles around three lady knights in King Arthur's court hoping to save the world from Morgana and her mysterious Silent Knight

3 Adventures Through Time, yes the girls get to travel back in time, but it's more magic than science and there's an emphasis on some historical girlbosses

6 Stars Academy books

2 books in The Roses and the Spades, which is a sequel to TGitCoKA

1 SuperSisters book, which is basically a superhero book for the Thea Sisters so they can kick ass and stop having villains roll nat20s in intimidation--

2 Cases in Progress, an ongoing series where the girls are investigating some funky cases detected by an algorithm Paulina's invented that searches the internet space for funky anomalies and weird shnit to investigate

1 book in Spectralia, where three hooman girls get Jumanji-ed into a board game and they gotta Jumanji their way outa there, I only learned about this just now while doing research and it's an interesting premise :3c

And I think that's it? There's one choose-your-adventure type thing where you get to investigate with the girls on a case relating to a crown, but that's about it I think. I dunno, EdiPiemme and the Thea Sisters' blog's catalogues have been a mess since they updated the visuals on both, so I unfortunately can't say for sure if I got all of them or if I missed one because my original sources missed them, but eh. Anyway uh, hope you have fun with this new knowledge :'D

#geronimo stilton #thea stilton #thea sisters #questions with e #hey if all else fails now you are free to express your frustrations on it and grieve with us on the lack of content we English speakers hav #if you decided to let sleeping dogs lie #then I hope you enjoyed the bord #he's a familiar from a roleplay server I'm in #he's my son <:]#if you chose to read on then uh enjoy the information you now have?#the next maneuver can only be to #what the hell scholastic

9 notes · View notes

queenofnohr · 3 months

Text

Odeline Backstory

CW for sexual abuse towards a minor

Odeline's parents were of the Qerel tribe, exiled for becoming "Taken," and wandered the land for a place they could continue their nomadic tradition, while also avoiding the Garlean Empire. They thus found themselves on the plains of Coerthas, alongside others such as Sidurgu's family...... They were, of course, slaughtered by Ishgardians believing them to be Dravanian, though Ser Ompagne saved Sid and Odeline. Sidurgu, then 11, decided to become Ompagne's disciple. Odeline, only 8, declined the knight's invitation, fearful of what walking the path of a Dark Knight might mean (also. she was 8. what the fuck.)

Ompagne found an orphanage on the outskirts of Coerthas that would take her in despite being Au Ra, though little did he know that her hell started then. Humiliated daily, forced to do hard manual labor, and neglected, this was Odeline's life at the orphanage. Many a time did she seek to run away, only to find herself unsuited to surviving the elements by her lonesome, only to return and be punished horrifically for her actions.

This changed one day when Odeline was 14, when a well off Ishgardian priest sought to adopt her. She was transported from a life of hardship and humiliation to a cushy life in Foundation. He veils her to protect her from unwanted eyes in Ishgard. Upon his recommendation, she begins to study at Saint Endalim's Scholasticate. Unbeknownst to her, in reality, her "savior" is a pervert with a hardon for "correcting" a "dravanian" to be moral and pure and then taking that "dravanian" to bed with him. As she, unfortunately, soon finds out.

She lives like this for 5 long years, taught that being good and obedient will save her from the pain she suffered in her past, all while praying every night for the Fury to punish her "father" for his transgressions........ and every day he is not punished, starting to believe that this is what she deserves as it is the Fury's apparent will. Until, one day, her "father" is persecuted for being a heretic. He and his wife (yes, that bitch was married - he sent her for schooling also as plausible deniability about his intentions for her) are executed as heretics by First Inquisitor Charibert........ though Odeline does not know this at the time. This accusation seemingly coming out of the blue make her believe that Halone really does have a plan. Her trial - not being blood related to the heretic in question - 1. outs her as an Au Ra to the society at large and 2. is a major ordeal for Ishgardian law because it's kind has never been seen before. It's like. A Whole Thing. It cumulates in a trial by combat with Odeline winning with her prodigious magics (also Hydaelyn's favorite child, warrior of light, etcetc)

However, her schooling at the Scholasticate is put into question as her recommendation was written by a heretic....... and besides, she has no money to continue her schooling. Haumeric, a friend of her "father's" as he knew him as a fellow clergyman, and believing his designation as heretic as well as his execution to be an unjustified act of violence by the malevolent Charibert, takes pity on his "daughter," Odeline, and offers to complete her schooling on his recommendation and his coin. She takes his offer and graduates to become an acolyte.

She showed significant potential as an astrologian in her schooling, and so puts up with Jannequard and practices "heretical" astrology alongside traditional Ishgardian astrology in order to "get in good" with one of House Durendaire, constantly fearing for her own persecution should she be anything less than the perfect church Sister.

Even though the time has long since passed for Ishgardians to slaughter Au Ra indiscriminately, her heritage means that Ishgard kiiiiiiiiiiinda wants her dead, frequently ordering her into dangerous places to "chart the stars" hoping she will not come back.

Charibert also wants to persecute her soooooooooooooooooooo badly. She's "the one that got away." His white whale so to speak.

Anyway basically the tl;dr is:

birth-8 traveling with her parents to find a place where they won't be killed

8-14 living in hell orphanage

14-19 hell existence living a "cushy" life but sexually and emotionally (and sometimes physically, if she acted out) abused by her "father"

19-23 finally able to live a "free" life though she's shackled by the trauma of her past and hellbent on 1. being the goodest good church girl she can be bc surely that will ensure her continued survival and 2. if 1. does not work, getting in the good graces of whatever clergy/noble she can will surely save her in that event

arr start

#odeline tag #long post

7 notes · View notes

turtle-babe83 · 1 year

Text

All 4-1 Challenge: January

@thelaundrybitch @tmnt-tychou @post-apocalyptic-daydream @leosgirl82 @nittleboo @scholastic-dragon @dilucsflame33 @fyreball66 @lec743 @happymoonangel @hotredphoenix @sharpwindow @luna-neko-hamato

Prompts:

“Why do you have a pair of her panties in your dresser?” “WHY ARE YOU IN MY DRESSER?!”

“I wouldn’t use that towel if I were you…”

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

Raphael was keeping a secret from him. Leo could read him like a book. So far, his poking around hadn’t revealed anything substantial and he was growing increasingly frustrated. There had to be something. Raph wasn’t exactly subtle so evidence was bound to turn up.

Cigarettes? Nah, Raph was too health conscious.

Illegal steroids? Hmm, perhaps. The brute did pride himself on his muscle and strength.

He needed to dig deeper to find the truth. He waited until Raph had gone topside with Donnie to raid the junkyard. Mikey was being forced into a meditation session with their father. The coast was clear. He snuck into Raphael’s room, immediately crinkling his nose. It smelled musky and sweaty, like old gym socks. Soda cans, empty pizza boxes, and dirty dishes littered every surface but the bed, which was completely disheveled. At least now he knew where all the missing spoons were.

Bending down, he peeked under the bed. Nothing but more of the same trash and a whole burrow of dust bunnies. Leo fought the urge to sneeze. He checked the bookshelves where Raph kept his prize comics and collectible action figures. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Then he started on the dresser. Bottom drawer, sweat pants and a few cans of Orange Crush. Leo snickered. He would have to keep that in mind, and tell Mikey about Raph’s secret stash the next time the hot head went against his orders. The next drawer up was nostalgic T-shirts from back when the terrapin was still small enough to wear them over his shell. The second drawer from the top was shorts, his brother’s typical attire. So that left the top drawer.

Leo paused momentarily, feeling a twinge of guilt for going through Raphael’s things. But he was dead certain that his brother was hiding something and wasn’t it his duty as leader to know everything about his team? What if it was something that could jeopardize their home base, or put them in danger? With fresh resolve, he grabbed the drawer pulls and yanked it open. This was the big guy’s underwear drawer. Ugh, he really didn’t want to go rifling through it, but what better place to hide something?

Carefully, he began to sort through the contents to see what else was hidden inside. He was about to give up his search with his fingers brushed against something unexpected. Something silky. Something with a lacy edge. With a look of shock, Leo lifted a pair of women’s panties from the drawer, bikini style with lace strings on the sides and along the edges in an inky black. He knew exactly who they belonged to. He had seen the strings one time when she was working out with them. She had stretched from side to side and they had peeked out from the sides of her workout shorts.

“What the hell?” he muttered.

A voice rumbled from the doorway, causing him to jump, “I’ll say! What da hell are ya doin’ in my room?”

Leo whirled around to find the turtle in question standing behind him, fuming.

“Good thing I came back fer my flashlight. What gives ya the right ta go through my shit, Leo?” Raphael continued, until he saw what was dangling from his older brother’s finger. Suddenly, Raph looked nervous.

“Why do you have a pair of her panties in your dresser?” Leo asked evenly.

Raph sputtered, waving his arms around, “WHY ARE YA IN MY DRESSER, LEO?!”

Leo shook his head, lips thinning into a straight line. That wasn’t going to work.

“Why, Raph?”

“I like ta wear’em,” he spat out, crossing his arms.

Leo blinked. Wait, what? Then, he narrowed his eyes and studied his face closer.

“Nice try, but this teeny thing wouldn’t fit your big green toe. What’s really going on here, Raph?”

Raphael shuffled his feet, then huffed out a sigh.

“She left’em here the last time she trained wit us. I found’em in the bathroom after her shower. Must’ve fallen off the edge of the sink. I, uh, kept’em…ya know, ta…..ya know?”

Leo kept staring at his brother, trying to make sense of the mess of words that just fell from his lips, when realization suddenly dawned on him.

“YOU USE THEM TO JERK OFF?!” he screeched, dropping them like they were on fire.

Looking around frantically, Leo spotted a towel hanging on the back of a chair and grabbed it, starting to wipe his hands on it, when Raph winced.

“I wouldn’t use that towel if I were ya…” he trailed off.

Leo froze, slowly looking closer at the towel, where he noticed some crusty substance dried to the cotton fibers. With a high pitched sound, he dropped it as well. Raph, for his part, looked utterly embarrassed at having been found out. He bent to retrieve the panties, when a new voice came from behind him.

“Hey guys, what are y-wait. ARE THOSE MY PANTIES?!?!”

Leo gulped as he watched his brother’s eyes go comically wide. Looks like Raph’s secret was going to put them in danger, after all.

😳

#tmnt all 4 1 challenge #tmnt all 4 1 challenge fic #tmnt all 4 1 #tmnt #tmnt bayverse #teenage mutant ninja turtles #turtlebabe83 #tmnt fandom #bayverse leo #bayverse raph #bayverse donnie #bayverse mikey #tmnt fanfic

102 notes · View notes

religion-is-a-mental-illness · 6 months

Text

By: Richard Dawkins

Published: Nov 13, 2023

“I say, Jarvis, cluster round.”

“Sir?”

“Close on me – if that’s the right expression?”

“A military phrase, sir, employed by officers requiring the presence of their subordinates.”

“Right, Jarvis. Lend me your ears.”

“Equally appropriate, sir. Mark Antony . . .”

“Never mind Mark Antony, Jarvis. This is important.”

“Very good sir.”

“As you know, Jarvis, when it comes to regions north of the collar stud, B Woofter is not rated highly in the form book. Nevertheless, I do have one great scholastic triumph to my credit. And I bet you don’t know what that was?”

“You have frequently adverted to it sir. You won the prize for Scripture Knowledge at your preparatory academy.”

“Yes, Jarvis, I did, to the ill-concealed surprise of the Rev Aubrey Upcock, proprietor and chief screw at that infamous hell-hole. And ever since then, although not much of a lad for Matins or Evensong, I’ve always had a soft spot for Holy Writ as we experts call it. And now we come to the nub. Orcrux, Jarvis?”

“Very appropriate sir, or ‘nitty gritty’ is these days often heard.”

“The point is, Jarvis, as an aficionado, I have long been especially fond of the book of Genesis. God made the world in six days, am I right, Jarvis?”

“Well sir . . .”

“Beginning with light, God moved swiftly through the gears, making plants and things that creep, scaly things with fins, our feathered friends tootling through the trees, furry brothers and sisters in the undergrowth and finally, rounding into the straight, he created chaps like us, before taking to his hammock for a well-earned siesta on the seventh day. Am I right, Jarvis?”

“Yes sir, if I may say so, a colourfully mixed summary of one of our great origin myths.”

“But now, Jarvis, mark the sequel. A fellow at the Dregs Christmas party was bending my ear last night over the snort that refreshes. Seems there’s a cove called Darwin who says Genesis is all a lot of rot. God’s been oversold on the campus. He didn’t make everything after all. There’s something called evaluation . . .”

“Evolution sir. The theory advanced by Charles Darwin in his great book of 1859, On the Origin of Species.”

“That’s the baby, Jarvis. Evolution. Would you credit it, this Darwin bozo wants me to believe my great great grandfather was some kind of hirsute banana-stuffer, scratching himself with his toes and swinging through the treetops. Now, Jarvis, answer me this. If we’re descended from chimpanzees, why are there chimpanzees still among those present and correct? I saw one only last month at the zoo. Why haven’t they all turned into members of the Dregs Club (or the Athenaeum according to taste)? Try that on your pianola, Jarvis.”

“If I might take the liberty, sir, you appear to be labouring under a misunderstanding. Mr Darwin does not say that we are descended from chimpanzees. Chimpanzees and we are descended from a shared ancestor. Chimpanzees are modern apes, which have been evolving since the time of the shared ancestor, just as we have.”

“Hm, well I think I get your drift, Jarvis. Just as my pestilential cousin Thomas and I are both descended from the same grandfather. But neither of us looks any more like the old reprobate than the other, and neither of us has his side-whiskers.”

“Precisely sir.”

“But hang on, Jarvis. We old lags of the Scripture Knowledge handicap don’t give up that easily. My old man’s guvnor may have been a hairy old gargoyle, but he wasn’t what you’d call a chimpanzee. I distinctly remember. Far from dragging his knuckles over the ground, he carried himself with an upright, military bearing (at least until his later years, and when the port had gone round a few times). And the family portraits in the old ancestral home, Jarvis. We Woofters did our bit at Agincourt, and there were no apes on the strength during that “God for Harry, England and St George” carry-on.”

“I think, sir, you underestimate the time spans involved. Only a few centuries have passed since Agincourt. Our shared ancestor with chimpanzees lived more than five million years ago. If I might venture upon a flight of fancy sir?”

“Certainly you might, Jarvis. Venture away, with the young master’s blessing”

“Suppose you walk back in time one mile, sir, to reach the Battle of Agincourt . . .”

“Sort of like walking from here to the Dregs, Jarvis?”

“Yes sir. On the same scale, to walk back to the ancestor we share with chimpanzees, you’d have to walk all the way from London to Australia.”

“Goodness, Jarvis, all the way to the land of cobbers with corks dangling from their lids. No wonder there are no apes among the family portraits, no low-browed chest-thumpers to be seen once-more-unto-the-breaching at Agincourt.”

“Indeed sir, and to go back to our shared ancestor with fish . . .”

“Wait a minute, Jarvis, hold it there. Are you now telling me I’m descended from something that would feel at home on a slab?”

“We share ancestors with modern fish, sir, which would certainly have been called fish if we could see them. You could safely say that we are descended from fish, sir.”

“Jarvis, sometimes you go too far. Although, when I think of Gussie Hake-Wortle . . .”

“I would not have ventured to make the comparison myself sir. But if I might pursue my fanciful perambulation back through time, sir? To reach the ancestor that we share with our piscine cousins . . .”

“Let me guess, Jarvis, you’d have to walk right round the whole bally globe and come back to where you started and surprise yourself from behind?”

“A considerable underestimate sir. You’d have to walk to the moon and back, and then set off and do the whole journey again sir.”

“Jarvis, this is too much to spring on a lad with a morning head. Go and mix me one of those pick-me-ups of yours before I can take any more.”

“I have one in readiness sir, prepared when I perceived the lateness of the hour of your return from your club last night.”

“Attaboy, Jarvis. But wait, here’s another thing. This Darwin bird says it all happened by chance. Like spinning the big wheel at Le Touquet. Or like when Bufty Snodgrass scored a hole in one and stood drinks for the whole club for a week.”

“No sir that is incorrect. Natural selection is not a matter of chance. Mutation is a chance process. Natural selection is not.”

“Take a run-up and bowl that one by me again, Jarvis, if you wouldn’t mind. And this time make it your slower ball, with no spin. What is mutation?”

“I beg your pardon sir, I presumed too much. From the Latin mutatio, feminine, ‘a change’, a mutation is a mistake in the copying of a gene.”

“Like a misprint in a book, Jarvis?”

“Yes sir, and, like a misprint in a book, a mutation is not likely to lead to improvement. Just occasionally, however, it does, and then it is more likely to survive and be passed on in consequence. That would be natural selection. Mutation, sir, is random in that it has no bias towards improvement. Selection, by contrast, is automatically biased towards improvement, where improvement means ability to survive. One could almost coin a phrase, sir, and say ‘Mutation proposes, selection disposes.’

“Rather neat that, Jarvis. Your own?”

“No sir, the pleasantry is an anonymous parody of Thomas à Kempis.”

“So, Jarvis, let me see if I’ve got a firm grip on the trouser seat of this problem. We see something that looks like a piece of natty design, like an eye or a heart, and we wonder how it bally well got here.”

“Yes sir.”

“It can’t have got here by pure chance because that would be like Bufty’s hole in one, when we had drinks all round for a week.”

“In some respects it would be even more improbable than the Honourable Mr Snodgrass’s alcoholically celebrated feat with the driver, sir. For all the parts of a human body to come together by sheer chance would be about as improbable as a hole in one if Mr Snodgrass were blindfolded and spun around, so that he had no idea of the whereabouts of the ball on the tee, nor of the direction of the green. Were he to be permitted a single stroke with a wood, sir, his chance of scoring a hole in one would be about as great as the chance of a human body spontaneously coming together if all its parts were shuffled at random.”

“What if Bufty had had a few drinks beforehand, Jarvis? Which, by the way, is pretty likely.”

“The contingency of a hole in one is sufficiently remote, sir, and the calculation sufficiently approximate, that we may neglect the possible effects of alcoholic stimulants. The angle subtended at the tee by the hole . . .”

“That’ll do, Jarvis, remember I have a headache. What I clearly see through the fog is that random chance is a non-starter, a washout, scratched at the off. So how do we get complex things that work, like human bodies?”

“To answer that question, sir, was Mr Darwin’s great achievement. Evolution happens gradually and over a very long time. Each generation is imperceptibly different from the previous one, and the degree of improbability required in any one generation is not prohibitive. But after a sufficiently large number of millions of generations, the end product can be very improbable indeed, and can look very much as though it was designed.”

“But it only looks like the work of some slide-rule toting whizz with a drawing board and a row of biros in his top pocket?”

“Yes sir, the illusion of design results from the accumulation of a large number of small improvements in the same direction, each one small enough to result from a single mutation, but the whole cumulative sequence is prolonged enough to culminate in an end result that could not have come about in a single chance event. The metaphor has been advanced of a slow climb up the gentle slopes of what has somewhat over-dramatically been called ‘Mount Improbable’, sir.”

“Jarvis, that’s a doozra of an idea, and I think I’m beginning to get my eye in for it. But I wasn’t too far wrong, was I, when I called it ‘evaluation’ instead of evolution?”

“No sir. The process somewhat resembles the breeding of racehorses. The fastest horses are evaluated by breeders and the best ones are chosen as progenitors of future generations. Mr Darwin realised that in nature the same principle works without the need for any breeder to do the evaluating. The individuals that run fastest are automatically less likely to be caught by lions.”

“Or tigers, Jarvis. Tigers are very fast, Inky Brahmapur was telling me at the Dregs only last week.”

“Yes sir, tigers too. I can well imagine that his Highness would have had ample opportunity to observe their speed from the back of his elephant. The nub, or crux, is that the fastest individual horses survive to breed and pass on the genes that made them fast, because they are less likely to be eaten by large predators.

“By Jove, Jarvis, that makes a lot of sense. And I suppose the fastest tigers also get to breed because they are the first ones to grab their medium rare with all the trimmings, and so survive to have little tigers that also grow up to be fast.”

“Yes sir.”

“But this is amazing, Jarvis. This really prangs the triple twenty. And the same thing works not just for horses and tigers but for everything else?”

“Precisely sir.”

“But Jarvis, wait a moment. I can see that this bowls Genesis middle stump. But where does it leave God? It sounds from what this Darwin bimbo says, that there’s not a lot left for God to do. I mean to say, Jarvis, I know what it’s like to be underemployed, and underemployed is what God, if you get my drift, would seem to be.”

“Very true sir.”

“So, well, dash it, I mean to say, Jarvis, in that case why do we even believe in God at all?”

“Why indeed sir?”

“Jarvis, this is astounding. Incredulous.”

“Incredible sir.”

“Yes, incredible, Jarvis. I shall see the world through new eyes, no longer through a glass darkly as we biblical scholars say. Don’t bother with that pick-me-up, Jarvis. I find I no longer need it. I feel sort of liberated. Instead, bring me my hat, my stick, and the binoculars Aunt Daphne gave me last Goodwood. I’m going out into the park to admire the trees, the butterflies, the birds and the squirrels, and marvel at everything you have told me. You don’t mind if I do a spot of marvelling at everything you’ve told me, Jarvis?”

“No indeed sir. Marvelling is very much in the proper vein, and other gentlemen have told me that they experience the same sense of liberation on first comprehending such matters. If I might make a further suggestion sir?”

“Suggest away, Jarvis, suggest away, we are always ready to hear suggestions from you.”

“Well sir, if you would care to follow the matter further, I have a small volume here, which you might care to peruse.”

“Doesn’t look very small to me, Jarvis, but anyway, what is it called?”

“It is called The Greatest Show on Earth, sir, and it is by . . .”

“It doesn’t matter who it’s by, Jarvis, any friend of yours is a friend of mine. Heave it over and I’ll have a look when I return. Now, the binoculars, the stick and the gents’ bespoke headwear if you please. I have some intensive marvelling to do.”

Note: "The Greatest Show on Earth: The Evidence for Evolution" is by Richard Dawkins. It's a little self-referential, tongue-in-cheek joke.

#Richard Dawkins #Charles Darwin #evolution #common ancestry #natural selection #science #common ancestor #mutation #religion is a mental illness

10 notes · View notes

eveandtheturtles · 10 months

Text

Silly idea. Enjoy. Everyone is over the age of 21.

The closet

"What the hell are you guys doing here?" Jennika stood in the door of supply closet and stared at the three turtles. Donnie, Leo and Raph. All three sitting on some creates and eating what seemed to be McDonald's. They all stared at her frozen like deer in hearlights.

First to snap out was Raph. "Shhh, get in here!" He whispered harshly and pulled her inside closing the door behind her.

"Alright, alright! Care to explain now??" She pushed his hand away.

Donnie put his food down looking ashamed, staring at his knees. Leo was looking at the ceiling. Raph was also avoiding looking at her.

"Well?"

"Kara's on her period and she eats all my nuggies..." Donnie mumbled.

Leo cleared his throat. "Amy and Peter steal my fries..."

They both then looked at Raph who folded his arms on his chest.

"Spill, big guy. Why are you hiding with the contraband?" Jennika grinned.

Raph didn't look at anyone. "Mirka is on a health kick lately..." He grumbled. "I am just sick of the protein shakes and kale, okay!"

Jennika bit her lip and looked away. "You fuckers are ridiculous," she sighed and shook her head. "You know you can just get extra for your boos, right? You are 7 foot tall, grown men who can flip over a fucking truck with one arm," she looked to Raph. "Just tell them you want pizza!" She ignored the sound of 'hurt their feelings' mumbled under his breath.

"I am going out and you-" she couldn't believe she was saying this- "stay in your closet."

"Hey, don't- don't sell us out," Leo pleaded.

"Fine, but you owe me! You," she pointed at all three of them. "Owe me!" She opened the door and stepped out.

She went to the living room. Men are ridiculous in any species.

"They're in the closet, aren't they?" Mikey said as she flopped on the couch.

"Yup." She reached for her beer bottle. "How did you know?"

"Kara sniffed them out. She has a nose of a bloodhound," he snickered.

"Do other know?" She eyed the crowed in the kitchen.

"Nope." Mikey popped the last syllable with a grin. "So...Blackmail material?" He raised his beer.

"Blackmail material." She clinked their bottles together.

@leosgirl82 @thelaundrybitch @sharpwindow @m1dnyt3-w0lf @turtle-babe83 @tinkabelle19 @madammuffins @pheradream-15 @dilucsflame33 @scholastic-dragon @turtle-babe83

#eve scribbles #tmnt 2016 #tmnt #bayverse turtles #tmnt bayverse #tmnt 2014 #tmnt fanfiction #tmnt leonardo #tmnt donnie #raphael tmnt #tmnt jennika #mikey tmnt

51 notes · View notes

talesmaniac89 · 1 year

Text

Charity Heist 4 - aka. The Arm Candy Conundrum

A Supernatural Heist AU - Masterlist

Pairing: Hitter!Dean x Thief!Reader

Summary: The Singer & Winchester Retrieval Agency is the best group of con artists in the world. But even though Y/N can crack safes, scale buildings and infiltrate even the most secure locations, she still can't find a way to deal with her all consuming feelings for the group's greek god of a hitter; Dean Winchester. How will she handle their next big heist, when she's forced to get up close and personal with the man of her dreams?

Warnings: Idiots in love, smutty thoughts, a lot of swearing and a ton of bad jokes.

Watch the trailer here

A/N: This story is 50% jokes and 50% dirty thoughts. No deep angst, just fun and action! Inspired by the series Leverage.

Y/N = Your Name | Y/E/C = Your Eye Colour

Start Here - Last - Next

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a setting for ice cubes on your shower head.

So, you made a mental note to yourself to ask Charlie for one and settled for plain old cold water to wash away the sweat and dirty thoughts. Which was still plenty cold in the underground bunker. Leaving you shivering as you quickly towel dried your hair and pulled on your most comfortable sweats.

Smoothing down your still wet and tangled hair, in an effort to tame it at least a little, you hurried down the long hallway of the bunker and into Charlie’s tech dungeon in room 28. Your Network Operations Center, or as you liked to call it ‘Brainiac HQ’, was the true heart of your operation. Littered with files, screens and enough high tech systems to make NASA jealous; it was what nerdy dreams were made of.

Or at least Charlie’s dreams, and your heists.

This was where your very own resident wonder child hacked her way into databases, followed along on cameras and made all your fake identities believable. Though, calling it only Char’s was slightly wrong. Since Sammy spent most of his time there as well. Both of the team’s two teacher’s pets had their own areas in the operations room. With a separate space set up to accommodate the rest of your band of merry men when you were needed for in-depth planning and pre-con briefing past Bobby’s introductory preamble.

You didn’t get your own desks. Since Dean, yourself and… Well, you couldn’t be fully certain about Cas, but none of you seemed like the teacher’s pet type.

Hell, you’d never even gone to school, and you definitely didn’t play well with authority figures. You pictured yourself as a little more class clown than star pupil. Unless of course that teacher was Dean, and you were indulging in some more… Scholastic fantasies alone in your room at night.

Then you’d be a really good girl.

This time, every screen was filled with multiple angles of the same overly bourgeois house. The whole place screamed old money in new hands, with its mix of good taste and trashy attempts at ‘modernizing’ it. Clearly Charlie and Sam had been hard at work while you were working out, or at least attempting to work out, with Dean. That was definitely the CCTV of the mafia boss’ home. Or at least the ground floor of it.

Luckily, that was exactly where the party would be happening. And, according to your man on the inside, the ground floor also housed the safe you were after.

“Right, so now that we’re all here,” Sam cleared his throat, a tried and tested bitch glare in place as he looked over your shoulder to where Dean was slowly sauntering into the room, a shiteating grin plastered on his face. His hair was damp and messy, and he’d changed into a new pair of black jeans and a very fitting AC/DC t-shirt to match his cover’s name. Clearly, if the slight flush to the skin on his neck was anything to go by, he hadn’t followed your example of keeping the shower short and cold.

He looked hot, in more ways than one.

“We’ve managed to hack into the CCTV already installed in the house. There’s only cameras on the ground floor, and only in strategic locations, at least from what’s tied to the CCTV setup. But we can use that to our advantage,” Sam said, dropping down into one of the chairs next to the literal wall of screens, as you moved to lean against Charlie’s desk. Careful to hide your small smile when Dean leaned against the desk next to you.

“You’ll need to memorize the blind spots. We want to be caught on camera as little as physically possible. We’ll erase what they have and loop the minutes before and after over it, but just in case they spot us swiping cards or scoping the place live on the night, it’s better if we keep out of the cameras’ line of sight,” He continued, nodding towards the screens just as Charlie’s fingers danced across her keyboard to focus in on one of the rooms.

“From the intel we have, the host likes to show off his wealth, so he'd be unlikely to limit the party space to just a few rooms. But this is probably where most of the people will be mingling,” Charlie shot in, nodding towards the large living room, littered with art pieces and small couches pushed against every wall. By the looks of it, they could fit a damned rock concert in there if they wanted to.

“But…”

Charlie cut off her own words as she furiously typed in a command on the computer. Splitting the view into multiple screens again, before refocusing the central screens on another room, much smaller, yet no less overly bougie.

“This is the space we’re clocking as the most likely location for the safe,” Sam jumped right back in. The two of them worked together like the geekiest tag team the world had ever seen. If they were wrestlers, their stage names would be in binary.

“Other than the clearly forged Rembrandt, I can’t see anything that stands out from this angle, but I wasn’t expecting to either,” You mused, eyes locked on the screen in front of you and all business, even as your body reacted to the slight brush of Dean’s arm against yours next to you.

“Bobby’s inside man wasn’t really forthcoming with all the details. He said the safe was in the house, and on the ground floor based on what he knew, but that’s it. We’ll need to scout for it when we’re there and confirm its location,” Sam nodded, hazel eyes focused on the screen for only a second before he turned in his chair to take in the rest of you.

Each member of your little team was tense in anticipation and focused on the end goal now that you could see the finish line on the screens in front of you.

These guys were going down.

“We don’t have enough details to plan for extraction yet. So on the night of the party we’ll have to; find the safe, plot the exit points and get an eye on the guards, plus whatever weapons they’re packing. That’s on top of Cas rubbing shoulders with the worst of ‘em in case we need the turnabout strategy and getting our hands on as many IDs as possible,” Sam was counting off each point on his fingers as Charlie continued to work her magic across the screen, bringing up new images over the still running video feeds.

Yeah, you had your work cut out for you…

And that was only the main plan. You knew there’d be extra little goodies to keep an eye out for as well. There always was. And as Sam fished out yet another pile of folders, you knew you were about to hear all about them…

Yay….

Fucking folders.

---

“We still haven’t managed to get hold of the full guest list, but I got snippets through some other, less secure, databases where some of the guests where a little too talkative about their invitations,” Charlie spoke up. Taking over again once Sam finished running through a laundry list of weapon types to look out for, people of interest that could be possible targets if they were there. As well as wiretap and camera placements that could help you collect more intel in the time between the party and the heist.

With a quick tap of her index finger, the screen changed, pulling up a few very familiar faces, with some new ones thrown into the mix. You could feel the mood in the room sour as your shoulders tensed. Next to you, Dean’s body shifted, as if readying for a fight, as some of the most evil sons of bitches you knew popped up on the screen. If you hadn’t been sure that the party was a cover before, you sure as hell were now. With what was basically a who’s who of the biggest bastards the world knew littering the screens.

Luckily none of your own former enemies from previous cons were up there… You were just too good at your job for any of those bastards to still be walking free. These guys however… These were the ones you’d yet to get enough on to warrant a heist. A slippery bunch. Each and every one of ‘em.

Including one of the slimiest men you knew...

“Dick Roman…” You muttered under your breath, (Y/E/C) eyes locked with the dead, nearly black eyes of the billionaire businessman and all around bad guy. Roman was a man all of you knew, hell… Most people did. As the owner of Roman Enterprises and one of the fifty most powerful men in America he was pretty much a household name.

What most people didn’t know was that he was also big on biowarfare. One of the main players in the invention and sale of gasses, viruses and other forms of microscopic lethality. You’d yet to get a lead that allowed you to take him down, but you were itching to get the chance to.

Especially Charlie, who’d once upon a time worked as a whitehat hacker for one of the bastard’s more legal businesses. The guy was scum… No… That was unfair to scum. He was like sludge sticking to the bottom of your sneaker. Black, viscous and annoyingly persistent.

“Of course that dick’s gonna be there. We’ll have to play it carefully. He’s evil, but he ain’t stupid. If he makes any of us, he’s sure to make our lives a living hell,” Dean groaned next to you, one big hand going up to pinch the bridge of his nose as he shivered at the thought of the slimy bastard.

“And he’s not the only one…” Charlie’s voice was trembling slightly as she looked at the image of a smartly dressed man next to Roman’s headshot. Jacob Styne… The Styne family was another big player in the American criminal underworld. Clearly this party was set to be filled with the worst of the worst.

The Stynes were, on the surface, a political family. With Jacob Styne being a front runner for future governor. Under the surface however, the Styne family didn’t make their money campaigning. Instead it came from generations in the organ trade.

Politics cost an arm and a leg after all…

The Styne family just chose to have others pay the entry fee for them.

Unfortunately, they were currently untouchable. The many generations of Stynes had built safety nets upon safety nets around themselves. Including some untraceable accounts and a boat load of identities. Though you knew Bobby was hard at work trying to find a way you could take them down.

“We’re really walking into hell here aren’t we,” You groaned, keeping your eyes on a nondescript woman in a grey suit; her brown hair up in a migraine inducingly tight bun. She looked like a librarian. A librarian you could tackle. At least that way you could avoid looking at the other, more familiar faces on the screen. The Bishops, The Thule cult, hell, even Astor, the crooked art dealer, was up on the list. And next to her, a man you really didn’t want to party with...

Alastair.

That man was a monster. There wasn’t anyone in the underground that didn’t know his name. Serial-killer and main mafia torturer, he was pretty much just a killer for hire whose loyalty was only with his own wallet and the pleasure he found in pain. Also… He was yet another example of mobsters deciding to just, not have surnames. Like, wasn’t that supposed to be a Madonna thing? When did the big bad jump on the bandwagon?

What was next? Pointy bras and too much hairspray?

“So… We’re walking into a damned pit of vipers. What’s new?” Dean finally spoke up, breaking the heavy tension in the room as he signaled silently to his brother to keep the show moving, and preferably remove the pictures of pure evil from the screen.

“True, but they do mean we have to be more careful. Try to avoid anyone making you, and if possible stay far away from the worst of ‘em, unless we see an opening that could help us take ‘em down later on,” Sam sighed, leaning over Charlie, where her eyes were still looked on the Styne family heir and hit a button to change the images on the screen to a new group of faces.

This group was much more welcome and familiar. Well, with the exception of one, that was.

The faces of your own little group, sans Sammy, were smiling back down at you, fake names and all. And of course, there was Crowley. Luckily, if you squinted just right, you could crop him out of the picture, and better yet, focus in on Dean’s headshot.

He always looked damned good in a suit.

“You’re all caught up on your covers right?” Sam asked as he turned away from the keyboard and looked over at the rest of you. Not missing your annoyed little huff as you rolled your eyes.

“You mean Alicia? I’ve seen deeper background stories for nameless stormtroopers Sammy. Fucking Stormtroopers,” You didn’t bother hiding the bitteness in your voice, even as Dean tried to disguise his laughter behind an overly fake cough.

“It’s…”

“Yeah yeah… Spare me the excuses. I know, the mafia’s terrified of a pair of tits,” You grumbled, looking up at the short bullet points next to each of your characters. Yours was just as short as Charlie’s. Neither of you needed much time to prepare your cover stories, even though you’d probably spend triple the time getting ready to go to the party.

It was unfair.

This time Dean didn’t even try to disguise his laughter, And the pure, brilliant sound of it sent the butterflies in your stomach into overdrive. Scratch that, these weren’t butterflies, they were damn attack helicopters. Yeah, you really loved making him laugh. It made you all tingly and warm. Even when faced with the mafia's particularly pungent brand of misogyny.

“Alright then,” Sam cleared his throat in a weak attempt to hide his own surprised laugh, before he gestured up at the screen behind him, eyes still on your group.

“Cover wise, Castiel is the only one who should need to properly reveal his character’s background. Since Crowley will be introducing him to people as a possible investor. That way he’ll have easy access to get a full read of them, and hopefully tease some information out of ‘em as well,” As Sam spoke, Castiel nodded along. His normally stiff back relaxed and a slightly cocky smirk in place.

Your grifter always fell right into character the moment it was assigned. You’d be dealing with a strange mix of Cas and stranger danger from now until the party was over. And by the looks of the bullet points, his character was definitely ready to rub elbows with the big bad on the guestlist; weapon development, human trafficking, drugs… The full enchilada.

“Charlie and (Y/N)... Your characters should stay as hidden as possible. I know you used to work for Roman Enterprises Char, but from what you’ve told me I don’t think we need to worry about Roman recognizing you. Try to avoid engaging in conversation and keep moving if someone tries to talk to you. You’ll be there as plus ones, so you should be able to rely on Cas and Dean for backup as far as covers go,” Sam continued, rolling his eyes at your childish frown.

“Thank God… I don’t like talking to people,” The way Charlie whispered the word ‘people’ made it sound like the filthiest word known to man. The wash your mouth with soap type of filthy that was... Nothing like the filth in your own mind where you were still acutely aware of Dean next to you.

Sam only chuckled at Charlie’s words before finishing up the cover connection with Dean’s role. “And Dean… Your cover is as Cas’ business partner, but mainly in the way of ‘products’ and muscle, so you should be free to walk around. If anyone catches you eyeing up the firepower carried by the security at the party, you can lean into your arms dealer persona to get out of it,”

On the screen, each new tap of Charlie’s finger brough new lines, tying the team and plan together. Easily mapping out the human ties needed to make your little group work within the confines of the party without standing out too much as individuals. All attention should be on Castiel, the rest of you should just appear as garnish to the untrained eye.

“Sounds good Sam. I’ll scout the guards with (Y/N), so she can scope out our exit paths, and...” Dean started, but before he could continue Sam raised a quick hand to stop him. Brown hair falling into his eyes as he shook his head.

“(Y/N)’s going as Castiel’s date. She’s the better pickpocket, and won’t need to move around as much past checking the exit paths and confirming the safe is where it’s supposed to be. Charlie needs to place cameras and wiretaps, so it makes sense for her to go with you Dean, since you’ll be on the move,” Sam said, nodding to Charlie who easily pressed a few keys and showed your approximate planned paths around the party, and the pairs you’d be in. Your smiling face looked back at you from the screen, sandwiched between Cas’ and Crowley’s...

Damn it, you’d have to hang around the United Kingdom of Sass all night. You’d go crazy.

“Don’t worry Alicia, I’ll watch your back, and make sure to keep the main focus on myself. That way you can scout and free the marks of their wallets,” Cas was, as always, a true gentleman. Even if he insisted on calling you by your damned cover name already.

You’d teamed up with the grifter a few times before, and you worked pretty well together. He always knew when to give you the space you needed to do your job without crowding you. And you knew he could control Crowley. The Scotsman seemed nearly subdued when Cas was around.

The plan made sense, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t at least get one snarky dating remark in there… Maybe two if you were lucky.

“Alicia would want dinner first,” You smirked, raising an eyebrow at the trenchcoat enigma across the room from you. Happy when you managed to tease an exasperated eyeroll out of him, momentarily breaking his cover.

“I’ll buy you a burger after we’re done with the case,” He conceded, which only helped brighten your smile. You never said no to free burgers. Yet, before you could speak up again to push for some fries with that burger, Dean interrupted you.

“No, that doesn’t work,”

His voice was deep and dark. So very different from your light teasing tone and even Castiel’s annoyed one. His lowered voice easily pulled your eyes off of Castiel and over to where he had pushed himself away from the desk, though he remained standing right next to you.

“She needs to scope the exits, get eyes on the safe… We can’t just trust Bobby’s inside man,” His clenched jaw made the words come out clipped and short. Back straight and shoulders tense as he stared down the image of Crowley on the screen next to yours. The ice freezing up his green eyes barely visible under his long lashes as he kept his full attention on the screen, ignoring your questioning look.

As always, Dean took your heists seriously, and you knew he felt responsible if any one of your little ragtag group got as much as a broken nail on his watch. Which was why he was always quick to react if he didn’t agree with a plan.

“We need the IDs and…” Sam started, clearly not seeing the challenge in his brother’s clenched jaw. Dean’s lips were pressed tightly together as he shook his head at Sam, taking a step towards him.

“Castiel’s a great pickpocket. He can hand the cards to Charlie, who’ll strip the info and hand ‘em back. Easy... And it makes more sense. He can pull off getting close to ‘em better than (Y/N) can if she’s just his plus one,”

Dean’s voice was like rolling thunder as he cut his brother off. His hands curled into slightly trembling fists at his sides as he opened his mouth to say more. Before clearly thinking better of it and swallowing the words down, hard. Choosing instead to tear his eyes off of the screen to stare down Sam instead.

“Charlie needs to plant cameras…” Sam wasn’t giving up on his plan either. When the two brothers butted heads it could often end up carrying on for a while. Clearly stubbornness ran in the family. No matter how infuriating it was for the rest of you.

“Yeah, but we’ve already marked where we want ‘em. Just choreograph her wandering the party, getting new drinks, whatever. Just like you’d have to make (Y/N) move to scout exits,” Dean nodded at the screen, still showing carefully plotted paths from room to room. The dotted lines made sure you’d all cover the ground you needed too, without the hosts or security catching onto you casing the joint.

“Dean…” Sam’s eyes followed Dean’s to the screen, hand pushing the cursor over one path to highlight it as he got ready to lawyer up and make his rebuttal.

But Dean wasn’t letting the younger man speak. His deep voice was all business, and when the former mercenary meant business, you really didn’t want to stand in his way. Even if they were talking about you as if you weren’t there. Which pissed you off, big time.

“Sammy... She should go with me. It makes the most sense,” Dean cut in again, arms folding across his chest as he kept his eyes on his brother and jaw clenched tight.

“She’s right here you know! Stop treating me like I’m fucking invisible, ‘cause if I was I’d be a damn superhero by now,” You shot in, throwing your hat in the ring for the title of the most stubborn bastard of the bunker.

You wouldn’t just stand around listening to them using you as an excuse for another fucking pissing contest. They both had good heads on their shoulders as far as planning went, but that didn’t mean they always knew how to use them. And that definitely didn’t give them the right to drag you into it like you were the last damned good toy on the playground.

“I know (Y/N), but this is the best way. The safe’s our priority,” Dean’s voice was warmer and calmer as he glanced away from his brother and flinched at the quiet anger building in your (Y/E/C) eyes.

You really didn’t like it when someone tried to run your life for you. You’d had enough of that with the organization controlling every aspect of your childhood and early teen years. After all, you were a big girl, and you were fucking amazing at your job.

No matter whose arm you had to hang off of during it. All because of the goddamn patriarchy.

“I can…” You started, though you didn’t really know where you were going with it past some ‘I am woman, hear me roar’ lines to knock their testosterone levels down a few pegs.

Yet, unfortunately, your bravado was short lived, as a gruff voice you hadn’t been expecting boomed over yours. Nearly making you bite your fucking tongue in surprise as you jumped away from the desk. Though you personally thought you did a damned good job at hiding your shock as you gracefully let yourself thud back against the desk with a sigh and an eye roll.

“Boys! Stop actin’ like idjits. Sammy, your plan is good, but Dean makes a good point about the safe. Let’s switch the pairs,” Bobby’s voice came from out of nowhere. Drawing every set of eyes towards the phone on the table next to Sam. Your big boss hadn’t spoken up once during the whole briefing, but clearly he’d been listening in.

Damn it, he was a ninja. A sneaky, stealthy phone ninja.

“(Y/N), you’re goin’ with Dean. Watch his back, case the exits and get eyes on the safe. That final one’s your main priority, got that? Dean, weapons and security, as planned. Charlie, you back Cas up and place your gadget eyes and ears along the way, Cas, you know what to do, you get our girl the cards she needs and she’ll strip ‘em,”

Bobby didn’t give any of you a chance to even protest or, hell, agree to his plan. Shooting off rapidfire orders from the speakerphone on Sam’s desk as your little band of not so merry men nodded along like a bunch of scolded school children.

“In the meantime… Sam, you’ll be running point on this one from outside the party. I’ll be busy on the turnabout angle, in case it comes to that, and greasin’ up the right legal wheels so we’re ready to throw the boss right into a jail cell if we can. Is that understood?”

Once more your little group was left simply nodding at a phone as if it could see you. However, as the silence dragged on, it seemed your gruff leader needed a bit more of a verbal confirmation this time.

“Yes boss,”

Your voice mixed with those of the rest of your group, all groans, strict professionalism and tense nerves blending into a chorus. Each and every aspect of those many verbal emotions were just as present in you. Anger at Sam and Dean’s stubbornness, readiness to kick ass and forget about the names (you were never good at remembering ‘em anyway) and nerves…

Fuck, there were so many nerves.

Ok... So, deep breaths.

Now you’d have to act like Dean’s date. Damn it… You really should’ve practiced your cover better. You barely even remembered your fake name whenever he was around. If his hand had to be on your lower back, leading you around the room, you might just forget your actual name as well.

Sam was a brilliant strategist, and he knew that having you at your best, meant also not having you at your damn horniest. So, your cover being any form of romantically entangled with Dean’s was a pairing that had been silently nixed for every other heist. EVER.

Both Sam and Char knew you needed all your brain power for the cons. And with Dean around… Well, half of your brain went into maintenance mode; as your body had to remember how to breathe again and your heart beat its way out of your chest and into your throat.

Plus, with his icy eyes and tense shoulders from moments earlier still fresh in your mind, you couldn’t even manage another weak attempt at date snark to get another burger out of it. Which meant you’d lost your burger too...

Everything about this con was just unfair.

You did, for just a moment, consider warning him that you didn’t put out on the first date, as an attempt at your normal fake date snark. The same you’d normally pull with anyone you had to pretend to have given your heart to for a heist. This time though, that would just make you a liar. And though you were many things; a thief, a con artist, a spy and a damned good infiltrator, your mother didn’t raise no liar.

Well… Your mother didn’t raise you at all, but that was beside the point.

There was no way you could pull off something as horrendously untrue as a snarky fib about first dates and your perceived archaic stance to them. Not with Dean. If it was him asking you on a date, then you’d have definitely invited him to your room to look at your pokemon card collection after just a cup of shitty bunker coffee. No need to wine and dine when the man himself was a fucking five star meal.

Sure… You’d technically been paired with Dean on certain cases before. But your role wasn’t ever as his date.

You were usually a secretary, or an art expert or something. Some form of cover that allowed at least a bit of breathing space between you, and didn’t involve hanging off his arm. But Alicia had no such background. Which meant you had to act as Dean’s girlfriend, or side piece, for the night.

Shit...

Was the world out to kill you? What had you done for Mother Earth herself to put out a hit on you? Was it the art theft in France? Or the time you might have, sort of, maybe, snuck into the Vatican? Or… Damn it. There were just too many items on your naughty list. Karma was a bitch, and one you’d been ghosting for a very, very long time.

It seemed you were long overdue a death by heavy heart beats, frantic butterflies and dirty, downright filthy thoughts. And, as you glanced in Dean’s direction, you couldn’t help but think it’d be a hell of a way to go. Especially when your eyes locked with bright forest green as he beamed down at you from his victory over his brother. Looking absolutely freaking adorable.

Yeah, the world was definitely out to kill you.

Start Here - Last - Next

Charity Heist: @foxyjwls007 @seppys-return-to-madness @stoneyggirl2 @ladysparkles78 @twinkleinadiamondsky @tmb510 @mimaria420

Dean Winchester Tags: @ria132love @woodworthti666 @defenderrosetyler @akshi8278 @justanotherwinchester @lyarr24 @torn-and-frayed @all-will-be-well-love @wearesuchstuff1 @thefridgeismybestie @adoptdontshoppets @starsandmidnightblue @screechingartisancashbailiff @septixtrash @punof-agun @deandreamernp @justagirlinafandomworld @sexyvixen7 @justrealizedimmascifygurl @globetrotter28 @siospins2 @iprobablyshipit91 @mrsjenniferwinchester @leigh70 @roseblue373 @djs8891

#dean winchester fic #au!spn #dean au #au!dean winchester #tales89writes #hitter!dean #thief!reader #supernatural heist au #supernatural leverage au #spn heist au #dean winchester #supernatural #spn #dean x reader #dean winchester x reader #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural dean #dean winchester heist au #mercenary!dean winchester

63 notes · View notes