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#whatever I dont get to ill get to later anyways sooooo

cicadangel · 6 months

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erm.! diary 12/4

hi i havent been online in a bit or written any diary entries recently bc well i was really depressed and then i just like forgot or whatever. but uhmmm life updates sorta/just how im doing right now.

i will start with the good news :-) i am not depressed! ive been feeling good pretty consistently for the past 2 weeks i think? ive been happy enough to be able to function normally and do all the stuff i need to do. also school swim started so i got to see my crush (the one i talked abt a bunch last year) and i actually need him so bad he's so fine i need him. not much has happened w him (in terms of moments or whatever) but it will soon trust!!!!!! also ive been feeling a bit more confident lately in terms of how i think guys percieve me so i hope maybe that will inspire me to make a move but probably not. oh well.

as for everything else. well. i have been having issues with that one bitch "friend" ofc hoping to hit her with a car sometime soon. but thats not rly new ig. i am kind of having issues too tho with one of my other friends bc he's being weird and annoying. recently hes been extremely sensitive abt just everything which is whatever except he won't tell me, he'll just get upset and try to get me to ask him if he's upset except i won't play that game ugghhhhh if u have a problem with me tell me bc i wont understand otherwise!!! i cannot possibly fathom what he's got wrong with him about me so im not even gonna try. if he wants to fix it he can use his words otherwise no bueno it is not happening!!!!

he's also been like. weird to me recently. we're in psychology class together and we're gonna be at the "abnormal behavior" unit soon (which is mental illnesses) and he keeps saying ohhhh we're almost at your unit we're almost there when it's like stop thats actually so annoying. i am abnormal and crazy but that's not ur place to say? i dont talk to my friends abt my mental illness struggles but i guess it is obvious there's smth wrong with me or whatever but it's just annoying. i will talk abt how im against involuntary commitment to psych wards and how sooooo many therapists only end up doing more harm than good and my problems with the whole mental health industry and the modern understanding of it bc it's smth im rly passionate abt, but he just brushes me off as if i dont have first hand experience with all of the terrible ways psychiatry and the mental health industry can fuck people up???? i also feel weird talking to him in general sometimes bc i know he'll bring me up to his therapist (because he constantly mentions it) and i feel like i cant talk to him bc he's gonna tell her and that just puts a weird strain on the relationship. like his therapist knows me, but just from his pov and that kinda weirds me out im ngl.

oh i also got in a fight w my mom today. actually we're still fighting. it was over something soooo insignificant but i got so overly angry like i always do and now im going to make it ruin the rest of my day because i am insufferable. she's just been really angering me lately also ive been feeling destructive which is complicated. i dont rly like the term "splitting" but it's def what ive been doing a lot lately. ugh. also i like dont know what to do with my bpd "diagnosis" it makes me angry and like i just have so many problems with it in so many ways REGARDLESS if i actually have it or whatever which i could talk abt for hours. in some ways it's nice to have a label for what ive been going through my whole life but in most ways i am like not too happy with the fact that ive been handed a disqualification from ever being upset again. if i am, it'll just be because im a crazy borderline! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. more on that whole mess later sorry

#diary

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souryogurt64 · 1 year

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could ur zine review some new music by justin pierre so i can understand if it's good or im just down bad for old man pussy

i hate music reviews i have been paid to do it and i have done it but i wanted to kill myself the entire time every time and also the idea that you can judge if music is bad or not fundamentally pisses me off so much

ALSO totally not related to your question at all but related to the zine, i am like 9k words deep into an essay about burger and swmrs and i dont know how much ill get into this in the essay because its swmrs focused but. shortly before they got canceled pitchfork had given this band called the orwells a bad review that hinged on the idea that they were "harmless" to the point of being "wholesome" and that the violence discussed on their record was a laughable joke.

when members of the orwells were accused of like raping/sexually assaulting multiple women until they bled like 2 months later and had been slamming the faces of female audience members into the stage and choking them at their shows

and like the violence on their record was largely inspired by breaking bad which the pitchfork article did not seem to pick up on at all. i havent even seen breaking bad but i noticed it. the article seemed to insinuate that because the orwells were middle class white kids from chicago they did not know anything about violence and were just parroting black people on tv (sorry to be crass lol)

specifically they use the word "federales" in a song which sounds a bit out of place on the record but its slang for feds and was popularized by breaking bad, lol, so they put it in so people would know this was about breaking bad. theres a bunch of other stuff too

the orwells were definitely pretty racist but the fact that it was so breaking bad and not just mimicking like "gangs" or whatever is very critical to the record and what ultimately became of the band. like again i havent seen BB but its about a white middle class educated guy that refuses help when he needs in it in favor of insane amounts of drugs and violence under the guise of "being a man and providing" and ultimately completely destroys many people in the process and ruins their lives due to his own selfishness

and the fact that they would kin this guy is SOOOOOO and the fact that such a major publication failed to notice it is SOOOOO

anyway the article was so focused on infantilizing and trashing them as a shitty rock band that were just kids and didnt know any better it failed to notice the premise it was based on-- that the orwells were not capable of violence or doing drugs because they were young and white and middle class-- was fundamentally and so egregiously false.

i do think the critical reception of the record played a role in their demise but the review does not acknowledge the gender stuff on at all (multiple references to underage girls beating women openly assaulting them at shows etc) which was ultimately what ended the orwells. the article does acknowledge the stuff that would happen at shows but does it in a deliberately non gendered way when it was 200% about hitting girls, i think because the writer didnt care but also doing so would have interrupted the argument

anyway i dont know where i was going with this but i guess trashing art you dont fundamentally understand because you have to for your job and being so categorically wrong about it but having people believe you is a part of why i dont like music journalism at all and dont want to do it as a career even though i definitely participate in this. also a lot of it is definitely personal and about politics which sucks, i dont think the record is that bad but i think they gave it a bad rating because the band was unbelievably horrible and like thats kind of fair but also saying a song is bad because you dont like how someone acts is kind of weird when youre ranking things out of 10 because then youre pretending like its about the music and objective when its clearly not

#i actually think that album is one of my favorites of all time lol #its called terrible human beings #a couple of the members and someone who did their music videos has the same last name as the person who produced fobs first record #and that and chicago makes me raise an eyebrow but i dont know for sure lol

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whataphantasia · 9 months

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oog i keep forgetting to post here,,, i did a really big oc x canon promptlist on my alt twitter acc like, last year, and i like the stuff i did for it so im posting it here :3

day 1: dancing

needed to draw this for the fic where they dance at prom and a destroyed universe respectively ^_^

day 2: stargazing. the thumbnail image at the top :D

day 3: phone call

day 4: (not so) sneaky glances

ely sits inbetween these two in class. they have to deal with them staring daggers at each other. very stressful sorry ely </3 here's the doodle from like 2019 that made me wanna draw this

also like there's this moment in the fic where eadr is watching mysterious mysteries together and..... HSHSBDHSHDGDHDHS

day 5: "i'm proud of you"

THESE TWO NEED VALIDATION SO BAD RAGHHH don't @ me about the lighting on zim IK ITS REVERSED,,,

day 6: music/playlist. i didn't make any art for this but i did show off my playlists for zaeadr :D i will not elaborate here bc I Don't Feel Like It.

day 7: whispers

this is actually a redraw... :3c specieswap eadr! so cute :)

day 8: closeness

ok i didnt actually make any new art for this i just posted two old ones from 2021 LOL

day 9: protectiveness (CW blood)

dib and zim r dangerous to have as love interests come on ely 😔

day 10: "how was your day" (CW blood as well)

ely needs to tell him to stop tracking blood into the house.....

day 11: one wish

WOW something NOT ely related?! anyways ana and ad's whole love arc is kinda like... they both have responsibilities and unrequited feelings. moreso than my other oc x canon pairings. i think them a lot

day 12: matching accessories

cove jumpscare. IDK I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE MATCHING KEYCHAINS HE BUYS FOR MC... this is reiner btw i was playing as xim in my like 3rd playthrough >_< xe's fond of spoiling him with gifts, more than my other mcs...

day 13: nightmare

it took me 13 days to break and make sans x shelby art SJWKDJWJ anyway. shelby doesn't meet him pre-corruption but whatever i think they're cute

day 14: makeup

I HATE THIS DRAWING RAAAA but ely likes asking to do his nails ^_^ even tho theyre terrible at it but he doesnt mind :3c

day 15: "you are my happiness"

ok uhh my bad this isn't oc x canon LOL. but... erfi and ana... have a lot of angst like halfway/early in their arc bc erfi sees her as a beacon of light/savior, especially due to her current relationship with the ppl in her life.................... they get better dw!!! ad goes through a similar arc so i think that was how i tied it into the oc x canon promptlist LMAO

day 16: indirect kiss

SODA BOTTLE... IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW. i've talked about this scene in the fic NON STOP to my close friends.... its when dib realizes he has a crush on ely...... i drew this like in 2021 SHWJSJW

day 17: morning cuddles

SORRY i just think it's a super funny possibility that zim becomes domestic. idc if it's out of character thats why its funny U_U!!

oh and uhm yea i have a fankid 4 these guys... have i talked abt her... i dont think i have... but ive drawn her a lot... maybe ill post more art abt her later...

day 18: photoshoot

uhhhmmm im gonna crop this for my tumblr.... yea.... anyways i love the possibility that when they're adults they become super popular, like in dib's wonderful life of doom X)

day 19: voicemail. THAT ONE THING I POSTED!! yes it was a shelby x error thing. i was listening to pick up the phone by fir at the time, which like, its not the errorshelby dynamic at all they're not toxic, but. the vibes... in the fic after shelby leaves the anti void he has a massive crisis... thats what the drawing is...

day 20: "what happened to you"

BRO I HAVE SO MANY IMAGES RELATED TO THIS FOR ANA AND ADAMAÏ... the images explain everything idc read them instead

day 22/23: hand made gift, late night drive

ummmm sooooo theres this chapter in the fic where they go to an echo flower field on the surface at night........ this is that.... DIES

that last one i never posted on twitter :0c and uhm thats all i did of the 30 day promptlist! it was fun! i got to draw so much... yay :3 thats all. explodes in embarrassment

#ph_art #ph_ramb #ph_iz #ph iz:ss #ph_ut #ph_wakfu #zaeadr #phoc_elycrowe #phoc_reiner #phoc_anastasieteilun #phoc_shelbyquill #phoc_erfi #ah yes ive madeANOTHER long ass post my FAVORITE

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sillyfudgemonkeys · 5 years

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Persona Problems: Apathy Syndrome, Mental Shutdowns, and Reverse Cases

Sooooo uhhh I can’t sleep so might as well ramble about this.

Comparing and contrasting the 3, ranting on why Mental Shutdowns are called Mental Shutdowns and why it’s stupid, and trying to fix PTS’ Reverse Cases.

An issue I’ve had with P5 tbh (I think I’ve talked about this before), but while thinking about it I realized that......my own idea of fixing P:TS’ Reverse Cases instead....made me realized some complications (I mean the complication was there to begin with but I’ll get to that).

Anyway I’ll save Reverse Cases for last since I’m sure most of you are only here for P3/5. 8U

So one thing that bothered me in P5 is.....the fact they call Mental Shutdowns well...Mental Shutdowns. I mean because....it’s just Apathy Syndrome (or at least, how it’s called by the public, “Mass Lethargy Syndrome, which we find out in P4D, as a similar case is happening there).

Well let me explain what each one basically is.

Apathy Syndrome. is basically when a person’s shadow goes on vacation in P3, and Nyx/Full Moon bosses be giving out those vacation tickets like Oprah when well....the Full moon comes around. 8U I mean technically the person’s shadow gets “eaten” by a Dark Hour Shadow (and yes it’s their shadow, MegaTen says “psyche” but it’s clarified more that by psyche they mean shadow). Basically, while there are technicalities in HOW the shadow isn’t in the person’s body, the fact remains it happens because the shadow is not in the body. As for what happens to the person, they usually go into a coma/vegetative state and will die without medical help.

Mass Lethargy Syndrome:

Now let’s look at Mental Shutdowns. It happens when a Shadow Self is killed.....ok.....so basically that means the Shadow is not there anymore. The Shadow is not in the body. Basically the same exact thing as Apathy Syndrome. What happens to the body? Same exact thing as Apathy Syndrome, they go into coma/vegetative state and will die without medical help. I mean sometimes they’ll die right on the spot for no good reason(ok maybe not RIGHT on the spot, stupid delay reaction Okumura....fudging things up), but of the 3/4 we saw, we know 2/3 (dunno if I should count train guy, but Wakabe and Kobayashi def count) died because they fell in traffic and not by whatever Okumura conveniently got. Also this doesn’t count Ichiko’s friend who was just in a coma, so it seems Okumura’s reaction is.....VERY rare. Btw fun fact, in P3′s 1st movie, something similar happens at a train station that mirrors Wakabe/Kobayashi, someone gets Apathy syndrome and falls in front of a train (I know it’s the movie, but the game DOES say there was a delay and the movie spells it out for us it’s cause of a body on the train tracks so.....there might be some weight to the movie).

Now PTS....I’m....I’m mostly gonna focus on Reverse Cases, I mean this anime has Apathy Syndrome but I don’t recall it (or I didn’t get that far into it), and the wiki states it’s when a Persona is taken or destroyed, while Reverse Cases (as well as Kagenuki) specifically mention Shadows....and I dunno it could be P:TS being weird again and not knowing how the relationship between Personas/Shadows work, but then again Kagenuki was used so that people could tell if that person has a strong shadow and thus strong Persona and....basically I don’t think the creators through it through or the wiki is missing some info. ANYWAY, Reverse Cases are similar, it’s where a Shadow is forcibly taken by another Persona user for a certain goal of summoning something more powerful by gathering those Personas (if any of you Arena/Ultimax fans feel like you might’ve heard something like this before yeah I think they repurposed P:TS’s thing), and when that happens the person is turned inside out! Whoops! Well that’s a bit different, but hey same concept, shadow leaving the body (THAT BEING SAID it’s understandable why it’s called something different, the outcome is different compared to AS and MS). (btw Kagenuki is where you pull a Shadow/Persona out but it’s used to relieve stress or some BS, it’s temporary and....it’s kinda more like you are forcing someone to summon their Persona rather than take it....unless you are discount Strega aka Marebito then they are trying to actually take it).

Fun Fact: P2IS I believe is the first place that showcases Apathy Syndrome (or whatever we wanna call all 3/4 of these things), as the character Yukino experience similar symptoms when her Shadow Self commits suicide. P2IS didn’t have a name for it but....just a fun fact. 8U

Anyway before I pick apart P:TS’ mess, lemme get back to P5. Why the fudge do they call it something different? Like I GET MS’ process is a little different, but the outcome is pretty much identical, esp to the public....who are the one’s naming the phenomenon. Like us the players know it’s different, one is caused by the Dark Hour and is temporary, the other is caused by Goro being an asshole and it seems like this one is a bit more permanent....BUT THE PUBLIC DOESN’T KNOW THAT! To them it should be “Apathy Syndrome/Mass Lethargy Syndrome has returned and a new phenomenon ‘Psychotic Breakdowns’ has emerged!” you could possibly connect them due to both showing up at around the same time, but calling AS something different? No, to the public it’s pretty much the same, people are becoming vegetables and we dunno how to help them. In all honesty, just because the way shadows are leaving people’s bodies are a bit different, I don’t think it warrants a new name...in fact I think it can be confusing “Wait isn’t it basically the same thing? How/why is it called something different?” it just raises unneeded questions. And no you can’t make the argument that ‘maybe AS wasn’t well known’ because 1) it’s mentioned later in P4D (and I think even in Arena), albeit by a different but similar sounding title and 2) even a small town like Inaba’s murder mystery was still being alluded to in P5 about 5ish years later in-game....and Iwatodai is a city and it was being talked about on the news A LOT.....so no it’s not a small town/city thing.

But...”Well why aren’t you complaining about P4D’s re-name?” Probably cause the rumor of knowing the cause of MLS vs AS/MS. MLS is associated with the cursed video, while AS/MS are unknown to the public..... Or maybe AS was just known as MLS to the mass public or it’s a phenomenon where a bunch of people fall to AS, I need to replay P4D tbh if there are additional details I’m missing, but the fact remains that, to the public, MLS has a possible root cause while the other two do not so it’s possible to let that slide....tho it brings up the fact MS should either be called AS or MLS.... Esp because there’s also the fact that P4D is probably taking place in Tokyo (P3/4/4D basically just call it “the city,” but I think it’s heavily hinted to be Tokyo, heck a quick google search lead me to a LMB festival look alike, aka Tokyo Idol Festival so....yeah 8U). Which makes it even more jarring for P5 since WE KNOW it takes place in Tokyo so why are they using two names for the same thing??? It’s like.....calling the Chicken Pox something like “Polly Pocket Pox,” same symptoms, we just feel like calling it something totally random and new now for no reason even tho it’s literally the exact same thing in everyone’s eyes. 8U

Anyway end rant on P5′s annoying alt naming, now for P:TS.

So.....Reverse Cases are a bit of a mess....both in the show (damn it be bloody) and.....lore wise (not new to P:TS bless its soul....haha soul....pun not intended). Lore wise it doesn’t make sense. I mean P3/4D/5′s way of doing it we basically have different ways of doing X1+A/B/C but we still get the same Y (basically X+A=Y, X+B=Y, and X+C=Y for P3/4D/5 respectively, X=a shadow leaving, A/B/C=the different forms aka Full Moon/Cursed Video/Goro-murders). RC is different, it’s end result is different even if say.....it’s the same as P5 (P5 involve another human harming another Person’s shadow so yeah). So with PTS, instead of X+C=Y, it’s now X+C=Z (Shadow leaving+basically stealing and absorbing the shadow=a person explodes).....so with PT X+C≠Y.....and that’s.....that’s some problems. Because PTS equates the shadow leaving with the person exploding (we’re ignoring AS in this universe cause....we don’t need more problems).

So....to fix it.....I originally thought “maybe add one more thing to the equation!” Have it be X+C+D=Z. With D= maybe the shadow goes berserk before it’s eaten and that’s how the person is exploded. Kinda similar to how Personas can turn on their user in P3 and strangle them....or in P4 the Shadow Selves....do something that kills them. I mean they both try to kill their hosts and seem to do different things to get the job done, and how they do it could result in a different outcome (P3 it’s strangulation tho not sure if traceable, P4 it’s unknown, PTS it’s explosion). There fix right? Nope.......I realized, thanks to P4 esp....there’s an issue....And this exists with how RCs already operate not just my fix it tweak. The issue is that.....once the person is killed, the shadow self (and by extension the Persona) disappears with it....

“Ok how is that bad?” Well the point of the RC are that the Marebito are gathering Shadows(/Personas) to make themselves stronger (and so that what’s his face can summon something, keeping it vague for spoilers but hey already dropped a spoiler so whatevs). But.....as soon as the Person explodes that Shadow should cease to exist. Rendering everything moot.

Which means we need to change PTS again, and we can do it a few ways thankfully! I mean you might have to rewrite PTS for some of the options but.....like it already needs rewrites so klnvkds;vna Anyway here’s what we can do:

No RCs! Instead it’s just Apathy Syndrome a new wave. What ain’t broke don’t fix it. Personas/Shadows are still stolen, but we just keep the symptoms as AS and just call it AS (or MLS, I’m down for either)

Might be an issue with getting the police involved, so either with the revamp have Shadow Ops be involved

Or make it so the police think AS in PTS has a different patter compared to P3′s so they think it might be a group or some BS.

Keep the RC, but don’t make it about stealing shadows/personas to make something stronger or summon something. Instead just make it about a (or a group of) serial killer(s)!

Either they just use their Persona to explode people

Or they utilize the Kagenuki to draw out the shadow self to do it for them!.

Use both 1 and 2, by which I mean I guess pull a P5 (aka have two going at the same time like P5 has with Mental Shutdowns and Psychotic Breakdowns, and RC could be the reason the police get involved), AS is when they steal the shadow, RC is when they wanna kill a person without the weird as time delay MS has at times.

I feel like I had more to say but it’s late and.....I think I’ll just end it here. 8V

#persona 3 #persona 5 #persona trinity soul #p3 #p5 #pts #tbh I should replay P4D cause I can't remember if Mass Lethargy Syndrome is the true public name for AS or #if they are doing what P5 is doing and calling the same thing by a different name #persona problems #persona 5 problems

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chickenstuffedwithmozzarella · 6 years

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Yaaay!! Thank you Soraya's inbox, sorry i blamed you on eating the last ask😂😘. You did great. Nono, he wasnt a torero, he looked like a prince. (Which is not better bcs i dont like any of those figures but... whatever). Ooh, talking about suits, did you see the ranking hsfashionarchive did of the suits he wore this tour? Bcn was winning, pink suit was second and Mdd was third!! (1)

[I hope this works 😜🙏🏻, bc this was TOO long, jajajaa.]

Ohhh. Your mom is the best. So supportive! Petition to give her that award. She is clearly the winner. (1D clinex? capitalism in its pure state 😂. Did they really made those? Glad i didnt find it on time bcs i would have definitely brought them as a joke to my sister or something). You are already playing Niall’s songs to her? Did she like them? Does she have anything similar to “pikachu get away” she had for SOTT?. (2)

JAJAJAJJA. Netflix always does that to me too. Dont know why. I started watching Black mirror backwards bcs of that. Did you understand anything of chapter 7 os ST? (Did you finish the show??). Yep. The 8th season is the last one, and i dont know hoe to feel about it. Dissapointed by the shows? As in with the ending?? Or how? (3)

You sound like a devoted cat lady, yes. Ooow, i have little cousins too, though they are reaching the age of “too cool to be seen with you, old girl” Of course they make me laugh. Honey is a menace and i appreciate it. JAJAJAJAJAJAJA. He ate the chorizo?? Honeeey!! 😂😂😂 that made me laugh at loud int the train and now my neighbour is looking at me weirdly. I see, you’ll never get bored with him. (4)

When i was younger and + close minded, i didnt like tattos. Considere also that the ones I had saw in real life were the tribal ones, so there’s tgat. But then i grew up and started liking them (you can partially blame larry for that). Nobody in my family (cousins and so) has one, and thats kind of a encouragement, I’d love to piss them, but my dad has threaten me to disinherit me (we dont heven have that, lol) and i dont have any tatto on mind, so i wont do it… maybe in the future, yes. (5)

I MISS LOUIS TOO! I hope he is fine. Resting and so. Im sure that creating the album that will destroy us all takes a lot of effort. (Seriously, where is heeeee?). Heeey!! I wont get bored. Or mad! I have such a great time talking to you. If i dont talk more its bcs of the character limit and bcs im always worried about pressuring or imposing. Dont be dumb. If i dont answer its bcs im busy with finals and so. Nothing more. Promise. (6)

THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. i know i know. It makes sense and its a smart move, but… i cant stand raeggeton/latino, its not for me. Sad. I havent lost hope though. Maybe ill change my mind later Yeah, i have the same problem with my friends, they only listen to trap and raeggeton and i die everytime. We mostly agree to put something neutral like pop or the radio. (Disney songs never get old😂). (7)

Ay. I just saw that i wrote “heven” instead of “even” and now i want to delete myself. I was walking while writing the asks and i didnt proofread it. I feel so dumb. Anyway, sorry for sending so many asks (today i made a record xd) and, as always, good night!!————————————————————————-Hi!!!! Yes! I saw the ranking. But it isn’t exactly a ranking. It’s more to like chose wants your favorite suit. I did it and guess what? My first choice in the Madrid one, jajajaa. Second the kilt. And third the jumpsuit. Very accurate.

Oh, you’re telling me! My family bought me a bunch of 1D merch (unofficial all): the clinex, a hair brush, a bracelet, 2 books!, one perfume (this I love it, it smells so good), a make up box… I can’t even remember everything. Ah! A birthday card too!! Where they talk when you open it. I always use to wish happy birthday to people (the audio) 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I had to tell them to please stop wasting money on those things. I don’t even know where I have it. And if a can ask, I’d rather they give me the money so I can go to their concerts,jajajaja.EDIT: I can’t believe I forgot the poster!! I have it beside my head right now,jajaja, and I only realized it was there when I looked at the boys to ask for inspiration,😅😅)

Oh, my mom loves Niall’s album too. But I don’t think she “knows” any of the lyrics,jajaja. Though, she knows the hmmmm in This Town. But that’s all. She and my sister, both separately were like: “oh! who’s him??” When they heard Fire Away. And I was like: “ehhhhh, it’s Niall’s album, so guess who’s it?? What, you like it? See, Harry’s not the only one who can sing…” jajajajja. It’s because of comments like this, that they think I don’t like Harry. And I get so offended when they hint at it! Like, of course I like Harry. But I like all of them too!! God!! I love Niall’s album so much (I’m hearing it right now, bc I couldn’t remember what song was the one they liked it so much, and now I can’t stop 😅). Harry’s and Niall’s albums have been lining in my car since they were released. I had Harry’s playing in a loop till I got Niall’s one and I interchanged them. Then Harry’s came back a month or so before his concert. And now it’s time for Niall’s again. (You can’t imagine how hard it’s being writing this with honey laying on my arm!! Jajaja, I can’t barely move my fingers😅).

AND WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU WERE WATCHING BLACK MIRROS BACKWARDS??? I’ve watched canter 1 and 2 of ST afterwards, but I hadn’t gotten to watch the whole thing yet. I can’t stand to be looking at a screen for 50minutes without doing anything. And don’t get me wrong, lol, I can be on tumblr for hours, jajaja, but a have to move my hand, and I can go from a blog to another… y'know, jajajajaja. And when I watched chapter 7 of ST i was like, okay… now they have to investigate what happened… or a guessed they would be doing flashbacks… jajajajajaja. Then I realized my mistake and thought I was stupid, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣“I see you from a different point of view🎶🎶” ( sorry, that’s me singing,jajajaja, Seeing Blind. I LOVE that song)And shows have disappointed me in the sense that they turn out to have an awful ending (seriously, I know you do it for the audience, but end a show how it deserves it, don’t turn it into shit just for a handful of money); or bc they just end it bc they don’t have enough audience. It’s always a matter of audience,jajaja.if they have a lot, they want to explode it. And if they don’t have enough they finish it ASAP. 😒

Honey is a menace, yeh, I couldn’t love him more,jajajaja. He can’t see me petting Liam, he gets jealous and comes to me and headbutt my hand so I pet him too. And Liam is so patient with him. They’re totally like liam and Louis, jajja. Hey! did I tell you the story about when I got Liam? no!! Well, someone gave my dad 4 kitties (they were sooooo small). So, guess their names (it was post March 25, 2015…) yes!! They were named (by me) Louis, Niall, Harry and Liam, jajajajajja. But Harry died a couple of days later, because he was really really young. He couldn’t survive without his mom ☹️. And the other three, my dad took them to a place we have were he has a little garden (?) with vegetables and chickens and proper farm-y, jejeje. I wasn’t too (any) into cats back then, so… Then he brought home one of them, to have our home free of mice. AND IT WAS LIAM!! And I adopted him. I took care of him. We started loving each other. And he became useless with mice, jajaja. He’s totally domesticated now 😝. And that’s his story. The rest? Louis became a big alpha male at their new home. But s car ran him over last summer, and he died 😔. And Niall is a female, jajajajaa. And I hate her. Because she hasn’t been able to keep her kitties alive once!! (She’s pregame again, and we’re praying this time she knows who to be a mom🙏🏻) Ah!! And Honey had siblings the other day!! The guy who gave it to my dad is my brother’s friend and he show him a pic. There are two white cats!! I WANT THEM!!! But they don’t let me have anymore cats! Jajajajaja.

Hey, we might have in common the reason why we started liking tats, jajajjajaa. And, well, to piss off the family is as good a reason as any other,jajajaja. And why are dads like that?? When my sister and I got our lips pierced he went to pick up at the train station and as soon as he saw us he turned around and walked to the car without saying a word,jajajajja. I HAD TOLMY PARENTS WE WOULD BE DOING IT!! I asked my mom:hey mom, if a get a 10 in maths, can I get a piercing?? And she say okay. So I got a 10 (I might cheated or not on this, bc I already knew I had a 10, but wel…), and I got a piercing.my sister only got it, bc I was 16, she had to go with me as an adult, and giving she was already there, she got one too,jajajaja. (My granny almost kill us 😅)

Oh, louis has a BIG responsibility on his hands. He will be killing a lot of people when he puts out his album. He has to chose the proper songs to do it. It will be considered a massive destruction weapon, so he better be careful. But god, for real, when will Louis and Liam release their albums. At this pace, Harry and Niall will be releasing their second one before LiLo has finished their respective tours. And when they finish, Narry will have release their second one, and will be promoting them. So Lilo will start working in their seconds one. And… and… AND ONE DIRECTION WON’T COME BACK EVER BECAUSE THEY CAN FIX A DATE WHERE ALL OF THE BOYS HAVE NOTHING TO DO, AND WHAT WILL I DO??? 😭😭😭😭😭 (sorry, I panicked a bit there,oops).

Uggggg, I can’t stand raeggeton either. I can’t stand the music, argggg. Or the culture of it (the how it treats women, and glorifies sex). I can’t I can’t.and you can’t go out without hearing it. My friends and I went on road trip once. And it was my friend’s car. And she only listens to raeggeton. And after 10, 15, 40? minutes I had to ask her “will this song ever end???” And she told me it was already a different one. And I swear I almost jump out of the car,jajajajaja. We were crossing a bridge, and I wanted to jump out of the car!!!!! I couldn’t listen to that any more!!!!! Ejkbvwirbfeuirnfrvoieefvnv The she caved and we switched to movie’s soundtracks,jajajaja.

Ha! Don’t worry about sending a lot of ask, I learn something, you’ll see,jajajajaa.Also, I forgot to ask early. Is your sister a 1d fan too, then? She goes to concerts and knows the song… how lucky! you have someone to talk about all the gossip!! (And they know what you’re talking about…) or is she a “casual” fan, and doesn’t get into fandom drama? She just likes the music and doesn’t care about their lives?are you both into drama?? God, I don’t discuss drama very much online, but if had someone face to face to talk about it… I would be the happiest person in the world,jajajajaa (what an exaggeration 🙊).

I think this is all. I LOVE ORPUR CONVERSATIONS!! Jajajaja( I hope I did it correctly and all this is under read more, jajaja)Byeeeeee!!!! 😚😚😚😚

#anon #iuubefvkjnevjknefv #it's the first time I put read more #I learnt how to do it yesterday (I had too google it #lol)

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suckit-aynrand · 7 years

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wow okay.

i just now finally got the guts to softblock my ex’s tumblr after a fucking year and a half.

ive wanted to rant and piss and moan about that whole debacle on here for so long but because she followed me etc. i never did because i didnt want to stir shit up

i shouldve done this a long time ago because every time i saw a post she reblogged i’d feel sick to my stomach and get really depressed tbh.

so now im trying to release all my shitty feelings by writing it out....

she was my first kiss and then she ended it before we were even able to give it a chance even though i’d liked her for over 6 months prior.

she was a fucking bitch though and made me feel so shitty about myself... unfortunately, i have an issue where i need everyone to like me so the more someone doesn’t care about me the harder I try and any drop of affection from them is like a drug.

ok so like she told me she was gay in like february or some shit and i told her I was bi because i was still trying to figure my shit out and then I started developing feelings for her (ie, see above) which i’d never done before because id never opened myself up to thinking about a girl that way and never with guys except for feeling ill....

so yeah, we were friends for a long time and i really liked her that whole time but i was fucking what 19 and had never done anything with anyone and was really nervous about stuff like that and, especially because of her personality where she’d be a total bitch 75% of the time and shoot down anything i said (which id just brush off as a joke or whatever and laugh) so no way in hell was i going to ever fucking make a move and i’d sleep over at her house (she lived at home) and she knew I had no experience and i told her id never even kissed anyone and she’d call me a “spring chicken” and shit because i was such a fucking everything virgin

we spooned once but i was so nervous and freaking out because im bad with touching people in general because i have this huge fear of doing something wrong and being rejected and totally overthing everything??

we also had this stupid bullshit thing about “ymir and krista” from attack on titan- shut the fuck up, i know, but like it was kind an apt metaphor for our personalities and looks (besides height because i was taller than her) so i remember and breaking point in my crush was when there was a “pick ten pictures that represent your aesthetic” on tumblr or whatever so i picked a bunch of pics or whatever and then one that was ymir/krista and i tagged her to do it too (do your sleuthing on your own time fellas) and she ALSO put a ymir/krista pic in hers so i was like HOLY FUCK IS THIS KISMET??? and then got my shit together to admit to my sister that i liked her and was bi (lol... that was a while ago...) and planned to ask her out myself.

anyway, like the next night, and incidentally on the night of the Supermoon in 2015 (when there was an eclipse on the night of the supermoon) i stopped by her job at gamestop when i was at the mall with friends to say hi (which i would do whenever possible... again, i was/am desperate for affection) and she said she was getting off soon and her grandparents were in town and were going to dinner at a place at the mall and would i like to go with so i was like sure so we went and then I went back to her place with her family and we sat outside to watch the supermoon and we were like holding hands and shit because it was cold and it was montana in late september etc. and i was nervous and all but all blushy and excited because of my previous nights shit, and then we eventually moved onto the back porch and she asked me if id want to date and i was like yes and then her homophobic grandparents came out to see if we were still watching the moon or whatever and then we went in to her room where i slept over and when we were looking out the window she kissed me and i was super nervous and blusy so it was like just a quick peck but it was my first kiss and i wanted to do it again but also i was scared to (like... because of her? and i was scared she wouldnt want to?)

so then the next morning i got a ride back to my place by her mom because i had an early class and we kissed (quickly again) before i left and then the next night i slept over at her place again but we didnt kiss at all... after that i would keep texting her and trying to make plans and stuff - i wasnt a student at the time but i lived close to campus so i was always like let me know when youre free and i can come up and meet you for lunch or i can come up and do anything because i wanted to see her and shit and she’d always be like “im busy with work/school/band etc.” so i was just like ok let me know when youre not and id visit her at work when i could but i didnt have a car and she was working and i didnt want to hang out in gamestop or whatever so id just pop in and it was awkward...

id said earlier that i wanted to go to the rocky horror show live that they did downtown so i saved up over $100 to get us tix and dressed all slutty for it (for her but also for rocky) and she wasnt really into it and i was trying to make it fun etc. and i had planned for her to stay the night at my place afterwards because i had an extra mattress under my bed for guests (THAT I LITERALLY ONLY BROUGHT WITH THE SPECIFIC INTENTION OF IT BEING FOR HER) but she said she had to go home or whatever and so i drove her home and walked her in and we kissed (quick kiss again) as i was leaving and then we kissed again, but like a couple little kisses in a row, and i was trying so hard to do it right but i was so nervous and that was all good (except she told me that my fucking MAC LIPSTICK didnt taste good... that fucker....) and then i left and continued to try to meet up with her and then one day she asked me if i was free to come talk to her on campus so i tried to dress up all cute and then she broke up with me.

the break up was so weird too because she was like “ive been too busy to see you, and ive been having a really hard time with my mom lately, and my dads cancer just came back and i want to still be friends and maybe next semester we can try again” and all and she was like crying (like a little bit) so i didnt want to be dramatic and make her feel bad so i tried to keep it light etc. (like i always do because im a fuck) so i was like its all good im so sorry youre having all this shit let me know if i can do anything etc. and then i hung out for a bit to try to make her feel like it was all good (even though i was devastated inside..... im just really awful with my emotions...) and then i left and was in a trance for a few days.... like even though practically nothing happened i didnt know (and still dont know???) what happened???

like....... was it because i wasnt really making any moves??? because i was trying like especially at halloween etc.????? and like she was the one who asked me out?????? like... i was also open about the fact that i’d be moving away the following summer most likely because i was changing schools and whenever i’d bring it up before we were “together” she’d legit like tear up and be like “you cant leave” and shit...?? was that why???? and like this still really gets to me even though it shouldnt and she truly was very hurtful to me in so many ways beyond this bullshit??? i just feel like i expended so much effort on building my relationship with her and never got any reciprication?

like... there were a couple of times the following semester where she’d text me and ask to get together with another friend or whatever and i really really really wanted to say no but that word isnt in my vocabulary because im an anti-confrontational pushover so we would and it would be so weird for me but id really really work to pretend like it wasnt and then i moved.

and i really honestly wanted to message her and be like can you just be open with me about why because i feel like i got no closure and i thought about doing it a bunch but i never did because im a coward and scared of putting other people in situations that might make them uncomfortable because i know how uncomfortable they make me and how much i hate it???? i also thought about asking a mutual friend if he knew anything about it because he was closer with her but i didnt even know if she told any of her friends/family about it because she was super open about being gay but didnt want me to be open about our relationship because, in her words, “they’d say we told you so and we knew” and she wanted to prove them wrong for as long as possible or something?

but now like a year and a half later its sooooo way beside the point and too late so like i cant do it now.... but i havent been in another relationship obviously and like last semester i was getting really unreasonably jealous over her ambiguous snap story about getting ice cream with her girl and how much she loves her even though im more than halfway across the country from her and now ive definitely calmed down and have faced the fact that she was a bitch but like i still feel so stuck with no closure and also am terrified that i’ll never find anyone else? and i also know that its my fault but i wish i knew how much and what i could do better in the future because im terrified of making the same mistakes again and feeling this emptiness?

i wish this were easier. im so sorry for spilling all this shit but ive been bottling it up for so long and have only ever told my sister and even her i didnt tell everything and i feel free now that i wont be seeing her posts anymore and can hopefully let this settle even more....

#my post #textpost #this is just a super long in depth story of my first #quote en quote relationship #and how lost and shitty and confused i feel about it #if anyone has any ideas or intuitions about what the fuck happened please let me know id appreciate it greatly

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saintkimora · 7 years

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well here is how my date w caleb went yesterday and i also included the stuff i found out about alex and my thoughts on beauty and the beast

ok so ill start w the alex stuff since it happened a few days ago. first alex messaged caleb on fb asking if him and i were together (prob bc he saw the insta post caleb made about me) and caleb was like yeah and alex never responded so caleb was like why do you ask? and alex just responded with “...” so then a few days later caleb and his friend anny were shopping at the mall and they were in the store where alex works. they were talking about their old job and then the convo somehow shifted to me. apparently alex said that it shouldve been him (to be in a relationship w me) and also that i lead him on! like uh literally HOW is completely ignoring someone and never talking to them leading them on????? anyways. alex is messy

so then i had a date w caleb last night. i drove to his house to pick him up bc we were going to the movies and i drove him all the way to the theater which was like 25 min away. this was my first time being the one driving and it was sooooo much fun bc he kept making fun of my driving skills the whole time! i was laughing like the whole time

then we got there and the movie was sold out rip so we were just sitting in the car trying to figure out what we wanna do but it took forever bc he kept fooling around with me! it was so weird to be like doing sexual stuff in a car in a parking lot bc we had to stop every time someone walked by. it felt like i was in one of those public porn videos lol it was nice enough i guess but i wouldve preferred to not be constantly interrupted bc people were walking by

so then we decided to get dinner at cozymels and this is where the thing i didnt like happened. some other driver was being bad at driving and caleb said s/t along the lines of “what is this *n word* doing” and i was MAD. i was like “i better not hear that word come out of your fucking mouth again. im serious. im honestly about to kick you out of this car” and he apologized. we discussed the issue a little bit but idk if he really understood or not. but that was his only warning though if he says it again im breaking up with him. so that was the really bad thing i mentioned in last nights post and the thing he was referencing in that snap of me on my story. also hes not black obv like if he was i wouldnt have been mad about him saying it. i didnt want to post this bc i thought it would seem like im trying to pat myself on the back or something but it was really bugging me so i needed to at least say it somewhere

we got there and had dinner and it was nice enough. it was fun at first but then towards the middle the convo started dying down and i was starting to feel bad bc i knew i was lacking in the personality department again. so that was the more general issue i mentioned in last nights post. but then things got better when we had desert bc part of it had ice cream and he wanted to feed me but every time i got my mouth near the spoon he would move it up suddenly to get ice cream on my nose or he would pull it away and like tease me with it. it was v fun and extra and then i looked and this guy who was sitting at a table with this girl was watching it happen and laughing! smh so do with that what you will

then we got to the theater and we saw beauty and the beast. so i dont really enjoy going to the movies but doing it on a date is sooooooooo nice! it was my enjoyable to be like leaning on him and putting my arm around him and exchanging quick kisses throughout the movie and all the other things. also he saw his friend steven that he used to have a crush on and he saw sitting a few rows behind us rip. but yeah it was a v good experience. now for my thoughts on the movie

so i came in knowing that all the people on here were being super critical about this movie but it literally was not that bad at ALL. it was a cute movie! idk why yall were being so negative about a childrens film but it literally is not that serious. the only thing i will agree with is the criticism of belles yellow dress. like seeing the pics online i was like “it isnt THAT bad” but it looks way worse when its actually in motion so yeah that dress was a mistake lol but its not like it ruined the experience for me

i remember seeing that post w like not even 2 seconds of le fou dancing w another guy saying that that was the big gay scene and i thought they were joking and that there would be something else but nope! that was literally it LMAO everyone was making such a big deal about le fou being the first gay character but he wasnt even like explicitly gay! like at one point gaston asked why le fou why he wasnt w any women and i thought this was where there would be like a gay joke or s/t to show that he was gay but no lol he was just like “ive been told im too clingy” and also yall were acting like he was hopelessly in love w gaston but he wasnt? he was v conflicted when he tried to kill belles dad and during the fight scene he literally switched sides after gaston didnt help him. so yeah literally the only gay part was le fou dancing w some random guy at the end if you blinked you wouldve missed it so idk why people were so pressed about it! i dont even see how this is like ~disneys first official gay character~ or whatever its like that post thats like “queer representation in media” and then that pic of spongebob pointing to the top of his head in the background of the krusty crab video being like “thats me!”

so yeah. it was fine i liked all the singing and stuff lol it really was not that bad at all

then i drove caleb home then went home myself. we were together for like 7 hours or so. i paid for both the dinner and the movie and i was doing all the driving and it felt nice! i liked being able to be like “dont worry ill pay” esp since hes paid and driven for our previous dates. so thats p much it lol overall it was a good night except for the 2 issues i had w him

#personal

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crispyninjadonut · 7 years

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Keeper Group Chat Chapter 2

A/n hey guys sorry I don't have a schedule set up for updating I procrastinate and end up writing this on notes going to and from class XD Enjoy

As always under the cut for people that don't want to read (but why wouldn't you)

Linh: fitz did you have that science test yet Fitz: yeah earlier today Linh: how hard was it Fitz: define hard Fitz: like bash head against the wall hard Linh: definitely not that hard hopefully Fitz: yeah it wasn’t tHaT hard Linh: phew Sophie: hey guys Fitz: yo soph Linh: how was your morning Sophie: tiring Fitz: I don’t blame you Linh: yeah Sophie: I wonder where everyone else is Fitz: probs getting to class Linh: yeah doesn’t biana have maths across the school next? Sophie: tru Fitz: yep Sophie: I am sooooo ready for lunch Linh: saaaame Fitz: gtg bells about to ring Linh: me too Sophie: bye

Keefe: I have the fear Biana: you okay Keefe Keefe: t h e l u n c h l i n e Dex: oh my god Biana: how long have we been going to this school Tam: too long Biana: -_- Biana: my point is that you’ve gone through the lunch line before stop being so dramatic Dex: ohhhhhh Dex: she told you Keefe: if i die you aren’t getting any of my stuff Biana: just go! God Tam: see you at the table Dex: ugghhhh why does my locker have to be so far away Biana: c'mon Dex stop talking more walking Dex: I’m coming sheesh

Sophie: I don’t wanna go to maaaaath Fitz: c'mon that’s our only class together Keefe: I see why you don’t wanna go Fitz: -_- Keefe: ALLL byyyy myyyseeeeelf Keefe: don’t wannaaaa beeee Biana: oh my god Sophie: I know Tam: keefe could you shut up Keefe: nevverrrrr Fitz: uhoh Biana: the bells gonna ring you better shut up Sophie: if you make my phone go off in class Ill kill you Fitz: hahah HAHA Fitz: go to class Sophie: I swear if you are ditching again Keefe: me? Pfft Keefe: no way Biana: -_- Keefe: maybe a little Fitz: KEEFE Biana: you are so getting detention Fitz: don’t skip the detention Keefe: of course I’m gonna skip the detention Sophie: Keefe no Keefe: Keefe yes Tam: I do not condone this Keefe: hahaha see ya later guys Fitz: are you serious

Dex: FREEEDOOOOOOM Linh: yep Biana: let’s freaking go Im ready Sophie: where is my bus Keefe: with all the other busses Sophie: thanks Keefe Fitz: UGH I’ve got so much homework Dex: haha sucks to suck Fitz: what Dex: forget it Sophie: I CANT GIND MY BUS Biana: noooooooo Keefe: Foster it’s right over there Sophie: where the heck is that Keefe: the front Sophie: whys it over there Linh: go before you miss it Dex: oh my god soph XD Fitz: what are we gonna do with you Biana: :P Sophie: ha ha ha Sophie: ha ha ha haaaaa Sophie: -_- Dex: it’s okay Sophie: I’m disowning all of you Biana: you do that Sophie: jk jk love you guys Tam: I’m trying to do homework can you guys SHUT UP Keefe: you can’t tell us what to do bangs boy Biana: so what do you guys want to do on the ride home Dex: cry Keefe: um Dex: ;-; Linh: you okay there Dex: nO Fitz: do you want to talk about it Dex: no I’m just never okay Sophie; IM NOOOT OKKAAAAYYY Sophie: IM NOT OKAAAYYYYYYY Biana: sophie stap Sophie: ok I’m good Keefe: that happened Fitz: indeed Biana: I see the house on the horizon Fitz: woot let’s go Keefe: see ya guys Sophie: byyyye Dex: ughh five more stops Dex: I’m gonna do a little homework Sophie: ok talk to ya later Dex Keefe: bye!! Sophie: and then there were 2 Keefe: make that 1 my stop is in a minute Sophie: ugggggggggggg Sophie: alllll by myyyyyseeeelllllllfffff Sophie: fine I’ll do homework then

Sophie: HOMEWORK SUCKS Linh: I feel you Sophie: math Sophie: I hate math Dex: *maths Sophie: yeah yeah whatever Biana: XD Fitz: you having trouble Sophie: AM I HAVING TROUBLE Fitz: *? Fitz: need some help Sophie: yea Fitz: FaceTime me I’ll help Sophie: omg thanks Dex: hey linh do you get the music homework cause I don’t Linh: what part Dex: every part Linh: well that’s helpful Dex: wait google is being helpful Linh: okay Linh: am I being replaced by a computer? Biana: XD Dex: nooooo Dex: it’s just that google understands me Linh: XD okay

Keefe: it is already dark out!!! Tam: yeah that happens Keefe: but I have practiiiiiice Tam: deal with it Keefe: sigh Keefe: oh I see how it is Keefe: your just gonna leave me here with my boredom Keefe: ugghgggggggghhh your all so boring

Biana: hahaha sorry Keefe Keefe: -_- Biana: :P Keefe: hey hey did you know Biana: the more you KNOWWW Keefe: did you know that how to save a life is ten years old now Biana: WHAT Biana: ARE YOU SERIOUS Keefe: yep Biana: man I feel old Keefe: I know right Biana: wooowwww Biana: welp I gotta go Keefe: ugh just leave me be Biana: XD see ya

Dex: I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND THIS MUSIC HOMEWORK

Sophie: hey at least its not math Dex: *maths Sophie: sigh Dex: technically it is like maths though Sophie: oh shut up Dex: XD Dex: I win Keefe: foster nobody calls it math Sophie: AMERICANS CALL IT MATH Keefe: I rest my case Sophie: ohhHHHH ITS ONN Dex: look what you did Keefe Dex: I just wanted to complain about my homework Dex: but nooooo Keefe: hehe sorry Sophie: UGH Sophie: you disgust me Keefe: I try ;) Dex: ew Sophie: omg Dex XD Dex: ^-^ Keefe: I am highly offended Biana: why am I not surprised Dex: heyy biana Dex: you have mister austin for music right Biana: yeah Dex: did you have any music homework Biana: nope we were running late Dex: are you serious Biana: sorry buddy Dex; well im gonna fail Sophie: no your not Biana: why are you taking music anyway Dex: my parents like TORTURING me Sophie: -_- Biana: cmon music isn’t that bad Dex: you know im terrible at it Sophie: your never gonna get better with that attitude Biana: yeah Dex: hmf Keefe: Guess who’s back Dex: an idiot is back Sophie: ab argumentative idiot is back Keefe: ack I am highly offended Biana: good Keefe: why do yall hate me Sophie: keefe Keefe: yah Sophie: never say y'all again Keefe: okay Dex: XD Keefe: hey Keefe: hey hey Sophie: yeah? Keefe: biana Sophie: oh Dex: XD Keefe: bianaaaaaa Biana: what is it keefe Keefe: is fitz around Biana: -_- Biana: he’s shut up in his room doing homework Keefe: ohhhh Biana:facetime him or something Keefe: I can’t he set it to do not disturb Dex: what do you want wonderboy for anyway Sophie: dEX Dex: yeah yeah don’t call him wonderboy anymore I know Sophie: :-: Biana: welp I don’t know what to tell you Keefe: tell FiTz that there’s a rugby game this saturday Biana: fine Sophie: ope Sophie: dinners ready bye! Keefe: bye foster! Dex: see ya soph Keefe: sooo Dex: I’m doing hw talk later Keefe: mkay

Biana: just told him Keefe: thanks Keefe: imma go take a nap Biana: XD okay Keefe: see ya tomorrow

Chap 1

#donnee #yes #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #keeper #keeper group chat #keeper group chat fic #my writing #my fic #fanfic #how is it #aaa #is this way okay #pls tell me #<3 That Rude Anon

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survivorbahamas · 7 years

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EPISODE SIX: "I'LL SEND HIM IF IT ALLOWS ME TO GET ONE STEP CLOSER TO TAKING THE CROWN." - ZACH

So if you haven't heard it from me enough yet, THAT 📣 TWIST 📣 IS 📣 BULLSHIT! With that being said, I may as well continue. DANA 📣 DOES NOT 📣 DESERVE 📣 TO COME BACK. Not enough yet? DON'T 📣 TALK 📣 SHIT 📣 ABOUT 📣 JULIA RAE. Anyways! I'm still here. Still got no votes cast against me. The best I can do at this point is pull a Sugar and make it to the end with no votes, then receive none in the final. Fine. I'll do it. But first, let's fuck up everyone else's game in the process. I'm going to come back and pretend like I'm this poor, shit-for-brains Jaiden. Maybe that is who I am, but I'm still going to make sure there is no blood left unspilled. I don't care how it happens, but I'm out for revenge. Even if I go home next, I'm going to try and destroy everything in my path. No more mister Nice Jaiden, I want to finally fuck shit up the way it was intended to be. I'm not winning anyways, so why not go out in style? Watch your backs, castaways.

idk whats happening but i slept through the revote and adrian got voted out which im upset about. he was a number on my side and idk i liked him as a person. on another note, dana is back and i dont know how i feel about it. shes obviously close with everyone and i dont think shes going to be voted out anytime soon but i just need to make sure im on her good side. BUT the good thing about nicholas and zach flipping on adrian/jaiden and not me is that jaiden is mad at THEM and thinks i had nothing to do with it (which is true) MEANING, hes going to do whatever he can to throw them under the bus and not me. i need to start picking up my social game and start becoming friends with everyone and i need to be more active and seem non threatening. right now i think kai and willa like me which is good, so i just need to keep talking to them and i think they wont vote me out until later in the game. obviously zach and nicholas are my best friends but i dont trust nicholas one bit. ive played other games with him and he fucks me over in every single one of them so this time, im going to get the last word. the first chance i get, when i think its a good time, im going to flip on nicholas to get him out. its what she deserves. i brought this idea up to zach and i dont know if he'd be down for it but nicholas just flipped on my closest ally in another game (we were considered a trio in that game too) so im going to say to zach that hes going to be in the same position and that my closest ally was and that we need to flip on him. i think it would be really smart to plant seeds in jaiden's head and have him go after nicholas for us. i think jaiden trusts me a lot and wouldnt go after me so i need to use him to my advantage. i want to make an alliance with zach, willa, and kai because i think willa and kai are kindaish on the outside and don't really have that many loyalties so it would be easy to bring them in. phew idk what im talking about mostly bc i still barely know how survivor works but im going to start to pick up my game and now im going to play to win. i really think i can if i play my cards right. so im sorry if none of this makes sense and its just me rambling but i thot id make a dr about my thoughts sooo hopefully my ass can win immunity this week!

DANA TOLD ME SO MUCH. AND ALSO ------ DANA IS BACK. So BRIAN wants to take me out eventually. In-ter-est-ing. I'm gonna fuck that Brian bloke into the pavement and he wont even know what happened. Metaphorical fucking of course. I'd never have sex with someone who likes the same music as me, that sounds dangerous. I want a final 3 involving Kai + Willa or Gage, but I'm also trying to make a Zachary Julia Me final three happen. I can those 5 fairly easily. The others? not so much. I'm not gonna be voting Dana out, but I'm scared of going to the end with her. Brian seems like a juror who will vote objectively. I'm not, but it's a good thing that he's gonna try to be objective in looking at how hard i blindside his ass out of here. But for now we've gotta take it slow. You can't be dumb. Gotta be smart. I need to vote out Jaiden first. Jaiden is a hazard to everyone, and he's a difficult human being to deal with. Why would I leave Jaiden in the game? ZACHARY IS TELLING ME THAT MY JURY MANAGMENT IS GREAT. I literally tell him that he's going to vote for me from the jury, and we argue about that shit. Now im trying to work with him and he's like "you're playing me arent you? well ill vote for you." like what. I love this

[2017-06-11, 12:02:47 AM] zachary rae: So [2017-06-11, 12:02:53 AM] zachary rae: I am spilling like everything to Bodhi [2017-06-11, 12:02:58 AM] zachary rae: I did something stupid but helpful [2017-06-11, 12:03:18 AM] zachary rae: whic hwas that I told him if he keeps me, because he’s the only one that talks to me, i’ll vote for him at the end and its good to have people like friends on jury [2017-06-11, 12:03:23 AM] zachary rae: but that also implies that i’m willing to be his lapdog [2017-06-11, 12:03:43 AM] zachary rae: but literally im going to be heartless later on and my bitch ass, i promise you, will be cutthroat and ill send him if it allows me to get one spot closer to taking the crown

A QUICK SUMMARY OF DANA's RETURN 28 After the day of rest—a holy day, as the sun rose Sunday morning, Mary from Magdala and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. 2 Suddenly, there was a powerful IDOL. BRIAN had come down from heaven, rolled the stone away, and was sitting on it. 3 He was as bright as lightning, and his clothes were as white as snow. 4 The guards were so deathly afraid of him that they shook. 5 BRIAN said to the women, “Don’t be afraid! I know you’re looking for DANA, who was crucified. 6 SHe’s not here. SHe has been brought back to life as he said. Come, see the place where She was lying. 7 Then go quickly, and tell hER disciples that She has been brought back to life. SHe’s going ahead of them into Galilee. There they will see her. Take note that I have told you.” 8 They hurried away from the tomb with fear and great joy and ran to tell his disciples. 9 Suddenly, DANA met them and greeted them. They went up to her, bowed down to worship her, and took hold of her feet. 10 Then DANA said to them, “Don’t be afraid! Go, tell my followers to go to Galilee. There they will see me.”

So its been difficult playing two games at once but somehow i managed to win INDIVIDUAL IMMUNITY OMG. I've never won before so I was probably way too excited but idk. sooooo. I'm really proud of myself but really see myself as a huge threat now. I'm playing a great social game where I'm friends with most people. I have a large alliance where I trust most of them very strongly. I'm winning challenges and helping my tribe succeed. I feel like now I'm really gonna need an idol cause I think people are gonna want me gone. I'm gonna try to play up how I don't know what I'm doing and strategy is confusing but I doubt people will buy that. But gotta do my best to not seem like the biggest threat after we target people outside of the alliance. I still think its a little risky keeping zach, julia, and nicholas but honestly I'm friends with all of them for the most part or they respect me so maybe if they do come together against us they would want to do it with me. I like knowing the gossip even tho most of the time I'm the last to know the gossip. IT'S WEIRD BEING SAFE. Like wait. You are telling me I won't go home? "Correct" Wait so like if someone plays an idol? "It won't affect you" BUT, what about rocks???? "You won't be in them" OMG THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE #IFeelLikeAPrincess #AllHailtheQueen I feel like I'm gonna get myself blindsided pretty soon but hopefully Kai has my back and will let me know if anything crazy happens.

OK SO IT's TIME FOR BIG MOVEZ TALK WITH YOUR RESIDENT HATER OF BIG MOVEZ Hi there. My name is Bodhi. I am 17 years old, and I hate big moves. I'm almost certain that if I wanted to, I could float to the end and win in this game. We would just need to pick off Zach, Julia, and Jaiden, then our alliance would cannibalize Brian, Dana, Lily, Willa, Nicholas. I'd make it to the end, and I'd beat Gage and Kai. That's an easy path for me to take. Big Movez are the devil, why would I ever make them? Well the answer here is simple. It's fun. Dumb big moves are the worst, but smart big movez? now this is something new. I want JURY VOTES, and Zach, Julia, and Jaiden would all be good votes to have at the end. Jaiden is not going to be a part of the plan to move forward though. I can't stand working with him. One thing that I have going for me is that I have been blunt with Jaiden. He knows that I'm voting him out tonight. That is big. The amount of honesty I have given him might lead to his respect down the line. But he thinks I'm bullying him by being honest. Whatever, if he doesn't want to give me his jury vote, that's fine, but I'd like it. I'll need to make Big Movez to suck Jaiden's dick and get a vote from him. I'm not scared to do it. Well I'm a little scared. Jaiden must go home tonight. Getting rid of Jaiden is not a big move. We aren't shaking up the game by getting rid of Jaiden. It's just some basic janitorial shit, nothing extreme. Jaiden is not worth blindsiding, because he'll like that. He lives for big movez, so I refuse to give him one. After this, the plan is to get a vote split between Zach + Julia. This is not in order to get out either of them. Rather, it is to get out someone in the majority. I was thinking Lily at first, but now she seems to be more hesitant about trusting Brian. So I am considering trusting her. Gage and I are going to flip and make the vote 4-3-3. BIG MOVE Next on the menu is Willa or Nicholas. I don't quite care which, but I think that Willa might be a better call to do first because he's got the idol. Then we're at final 8. Dana, Kai, Gage, Willa or Nicholas, Lily or Brian, Zach, Julia, and myself. I'm closely alligned with Zach, Gage, Julia, Dana, and Kai, and in the time leading up to this I can get even closer with the others. I think I've got enough clear paths to the end that I can make some stupid #BIGMOVEZ and still win. I've got a deal with Dana to go to the end no matter what. I also have a deal with Kai to probably go to the end. I've got potential for a deal with Zach + Julia and go to the end with them. I think if I go with these BIG MOVEZ I might actually appease the juries sentiment of "rewarding objectively better gameplay" and win because of my jury management while they think that it's because of my strategic prowess. If you think that me winning this game along this path is because of strategic prowess, you're wrong. Any strategy that i put into place is solely to get jury votes. It is part of my social game more than anything else. I'd be getting to the end if I didn't make these moves, I'm only doing it so the jury feels like I'm strategically good.

[2:52:56 PM] jaiden: so what r u thinking of doing [2:53:00 PM] jaiden: I KNOW U HAVE IDEAS [2:53:06 PM] jaiden: I'm not gonna rat you out [2:53:16 PM] Bo dhi: what am I thinking of doing? [2:53:21 PM] Bo dhi: well I'm not sure you're gonna like it [2:53:21 PM] jaiden: for tribal [2:53:30 PM] jaiden: I mean as long as it ain't me??? [2:53:32 PM] Bo dhi: my plan is to vote you out tonight if that's alright with you [2:53:41 PM] jaiden: (dull) [2:55:17 PM] jaiden: anyways I'm voting out Nicholas. [2:55:21 PM] jaiden: you can follow me if you want to [3:24:23 PM] jaiden: or not >: ( [3:33:41 PM] Bo dhi: I'm thinking [3:36:29 PM] jaiden: let me know when ur done thinking [3:54:03 PM] Bo dhi: I'm not done thinking but I'm thinking [3:54:39 PM] jaiden: what,,, [3:54:42 PM] jaiden: that doesn't make sense [3:54:54 PM] Bo dhi: think think think [3:55:44 PM] jaiden: alright well I'm gonna go take a shower [3:55:52 PM] Bo dhi: good luck!! [3:55:58 PM] Bo dhi: I hope you have a clean one [3:56:07 PM] jaiden: just pls don't vote me out bodhi. [6:00:10 PM] jaiden: Big mother eggplant I have an idea. [6:00:23 PM] Bo dhi: what is your idea little son eggplant [6:02:32 PM] jaiden: We should vote out Nicholas :) [6:02:41 PM] jaiden: Because zach and Julia hate him and are willing to do it this time [6:03:33 PM] Bo dhi: "anyways I'm voting out Nicholas. you can follow me if you want to" you already brought this up [6:04:04 PM] jaiden: BUT NOW IM SERIOUS ABOUT IT [6:04:10 PM] jaiden: like I was joking then and now I mean it [6:04:12 PM] jaiden: We have the votes [6:04:17 PM] jaiden: Kai will literally do it if you do it [6:04:25 PM] jaiden: we just can't.....tell anyone [6:04:40 PM] Bo dhi: oh it was a joke before? didn't really seem like one [6:05:00 PM] jaiden: Yeah?? I wouldn't just be like "vote him out w me" [6:05:16 PM] jaiden: Bodhi I'm being serious [6:05:16 PM] jaiden: pls [6:05:22 PM] Bo dhi: {quoting earlier in the conversation} > [3:24:23 PM] jaiden: or not >: ( > [3:33:41 PM] Bo dhi: I'm thinking > [3:36:29 PM] jaiden: let me know when ur done thinking > [3:54:03 PM] Bo dhi: I'm not done thinking but I'm thinking > [3:54:39 PM] jaiden: what,,, > [3:54:42 PM] jaiden: that doesn't make sense > [3:54:54 PM] Bo dhi: think think think > [3:55:44 PM] jaiden: alright well I'm gonna go take a shower > [3:55:52 PM] Bo dhi: good luck!! > [3:55:58 PM] Bo dhi: I hope you have a clean one > [3:56:07 PM] jaiden: just pls don't vote me out bodhi. [6:05:59 PM] jaiden: WELL!!!! [6:06:02 PM] jaiden: CAN WE JUST DO IT [6:06:07 PM] Bo dhi: no thanks

Jaiden spent about 20 minutes being a complete asshole to me and then eventually gave up and talked to a ton of people about me behind my back. I honestly am disgusted. He thinks I owe him something, which is bullshit. I don't like him one bit. He might be the person that I've respected least from any game I've ever played.

[9:48 PM] nicholas: <<< On 6/11/17, at 9:43 PM, Logan (he/him) wrote: > Jaiden. I owe you nothing. But I think you owe everyone in this game an apology. For some reason, when you do something cruel, it's a game. But when anyone does anything targeting you? Suddenly they're a piece of shit! I'm thrilled to be writing down your name. whoever wrote this is winning bahamas btw THIS IS MY VOTING CONFESSIONAL. NICHOLAS BETTER KEEP THIS PROMISE

I'm using being castrated by Jaiden and feeling guilty to make people KNOW that I'm not a robot. I want to be loved.

She’s back? Listen I'm not going to pretend to understand what the FUCK this twisted game has in store, but somehow I moseyed my way back from the depths of Ponderosa paradise back into this hellish game. At this point I’ve been back for two days and I have SO MUCH to say. Why am I so irresponsible about confessionals? Well, I tried to write one Friday night… but we’ll get to why that failed. Also because I’m writing this retrospectively right after Jaiden’s vote out, some of what I write was irrelevant in the progression of the game and some is foreshadowing for what ended up happening at the Jaiden vote tonight… just stay with me because too much significant stuff happened to not write this altogether. For the sake of anyone who feels compelled to read this, I’m going to organize it the best I can, starting with my thoughts on being brought back. I. Being brought back into the game. First, I'd like to thank Brian and his trashy idol for this opportunity. a. Notable reactions and my responses Brian: Immediately wants to talk to me about the game, and is saying that he “brought me back into the game for a reason, because he wanted to work with me. We skyped for THREE HOURS on Friday night, the content of which I’ll get to later in this confessional. Here's the thing, it would be REALLY easy for both Brian and other players in this game to think that Brian bringing me back means that he and I are working together or that I owe Brian... haha NO! That’s not how this is working necessarily. Jaiden: FREAKED out when I was brought back… and at first I thought it was my fault, but then we talked and apparently he’s not really mad at me, just the existence of the idol. And sure, maybe I should have figured that, but his reaction certainly left some questions. Here’s what Jaiden eventually had to say about me coming back after I, stupidly, apologized to him for coming back because I felt guilty (lame, I know) that the impact of his big game move was trumped. On 6/10/17, at 3:53 AM, jaiden wrote: > I just want you to know that my entire reaction to what went down today had nothing to do with you coming back.The idol is in concept extremely unfair, but the way it was executed tonight wasn't and I'm honestly not that mad you're back. I don't have an issue with you, and while I really hope that like, through all of this ugliness and craziness we can literally salvage ANY sort of working relationship, I know it's not going to happen, at least not on your end :/ I know you're a smart girl and very strategic but I honestly doubt that the move I even made anymore was an intelligent one so I don't see how you could justify it either. I'm sorry for getting extremely ugly in the tribe chat over what could've been seen as this whole idol thing taking place, but truly I am just frustrated about every event that went down tonight. What did I get from it? That Jaiden thinks I’m smart and tbh that’s more than enough for me. Honestly if he kept stroking my ego like that, I probably would have even considered working with him. Everyone else’s reactions to me coming back: Too nice honestly. People were THRILLED to see me back and I don’t want this to translate to “does this mean it was actually good for her to go?” Like on a personal note, I was pleased that people were so happy to see me. On a gameplay level, I was like pls can someone other than Jaiden pretend they hate me in this chat so people will think i'm less universally liked (whew that sounds INCREDIBLY cocky, though perhaps not inaccurate within the context of this game ONLY). Just be more casual people. b. Is it fair within the context of this game to bring me back? Listen, I’m definitely NOT an objective judge on that front. Am I happy the advantage exists? Absolutely. Do I see how it can be perceived as unfair? YES. But the way the idol was played within this game didn’t really make things as unfair as it could have if it was played at a later stage, as in it didn’t change much other than shift numbers. It brought back a player who nobody voted out except for one person, who is conveniently the one who is most agitated that the idol exists. Adrian is now first juror instead of me, which would have been the case if Jaiden hadn’t ALSO played a crazy idol like Brian, one that ALSO only exists within the online survivor universe. Moreover, I’m not really even back in the game on my own accord, it was all Brian’s idol, though I benefit from it. So all I can do at this point is keep playing my best game. c. How does being brought back in with this idol change my gameplay? In a way, I kind of feel like a free agent now. Of course, I still have relationships from before. I was re-added to the Bahamian Rhapsody alliance, but the pressure to work with certain people feels significantly lower than it did before I was eliminated the first time. I Coming back also forces me to acknowledge that I am a threat. I’ve already been voted out because I was perceived as a threat, and now I have to work hard to explain why I’m not. I won’t be successful convincing people that I’m not a social threat, I know that. So here is my plan about how to use this idol play to my advantage: 1) Explain that being brought back in via this whack idol effectively means I CANNOT win. I was voted out once, and that is supposed to mean you can’t win. How could a juror POSSIBLY reconcile my vote out with then naming me the winner? I’ll tell people I’m going to have a much harder time convincing jurors that I would be a legitimate winner, thus making me a good pick to string along in the game. The thing is… this is probably true… It is harder for me to win. Except I’m confident that I’m smart enough to work my way around this and explain how my vote out can be discounted by the actual jury. Thus, I don’t mind floating this idea out there if needed for consideration in hopes of making it further along in this game. To be fair, Bodhi told me he doesn’t think I could win because of my vote out and Jaiden also told Bodhi the same (whether or not Jaiden actually believes this… debatable). 2) I’m social, but not a game player. I started playing this strategy with Jaiden yesterday. On 6/11/17, at 4:48 AM, Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host) wrote: > My problem in this game, and I think my relationship with bodhi represents this, is that i'm friendly with people but nobody is really playing the game with me. I don't receive a lot of detail ever. Now of course, this is absolutely unrepresentative of my relationship with Bodhi, but I think it is a good (and perhaps not untrue) strategy to employ. II. What I’m hearing about the game From Brian: We skype Friday night after I’m brought back… FOR A LONG ASS TIME. Was it a productive call? Idk maybe, I definitely learned some things that I’ll mention. Right before we got on call, I was writing a confessional about how Brian bringing me back changed nothing about any allegiance I had to him in this game (which was about zero when I was voted out) and then we call and I start to feel differently. It’s not that the idol produced that though, us talking did. I was still trying to regain my footing in the game and Brian was asking me to make a lot of decisions, which is a position I hadn’t been in before. I was there, he could see me over skype, and I had to think on the spot and speak. He was asking who I want to be in final 5 with and what I think about Willa or Lily making it far—amongst other things. Like SO many questions pls. He tells me that Willa has half of the super idol (the other half of which I still have, yet tell Brian I don’t). This was important information, whether or not it is true, and I can hopefully use it to try to manipulate the super idol advantage or cast doubt within Willa and Brian’s relationship. Brian also sends me an idol spreadsheet that supposedly only him and Kai have access to and are editing (though that myth is shattered quickly when Bodhi tells me he also has it and is contributing). Brian proposes a F3 with me, himself, and Kai (who I’ve still NEVER) spoken to. But he seems to understand that I have to get to know Kai better before committing, but I pretend I’m SO interested. He talks about the big votes being at f5 and f7, where we get out Willa and Lily, because they are threatening as organizers of alliances and social players respectively. As for his plans for other votes, apparently Brian wants to do Nicholas ASAP and obviously Jaiden, but who doesn’t want to vote Jaiden at this point. During the call we’re both talking to Jaiden, and effectively he is telling Brian his plan was always to get me out (on the vote he sapphire idoled me out on) and me that he only idoled me out because he couldn’t gather the votes to vote Brian out. This was the first sign of the extreme havoc Jaiden create within the next 30 hrs. Brian also, ironically, starts telling me that it’s so great that we can talk about the game and he can trust me to say nothing, whereas he couldn’t do the same with people like Bodhi. Brian has started trying to cast a lot of doubt about Bodhi, suggesting that he certainly can’t go far in the game. As Brian is telling me this, I of course know I’m going to tell Bodhi everything that is happening in the morning. Lowkey I have kind of a bad memory though. I wanted to take notes so I could remember everything to tell Bodhi, but that would have been way too obvious, but I manage to tell him most of the important things on our call the next morning. What did I learn from skyping with Brian? Perhaps don’t totally count Brian out as somebody to work with, even though today he came to me about Bodhi being sketchy when he got exiled which I CAN’T have people thinking or talking about. Most significantly I learned that LYING OVER VIDEO CALL IS HARD. Looking into Brian’s eyes over the screen at 5am and pretending to be sad over an immunity idol that I “lost” before I was brought back into the game was HARD… and I’m not a great liar. From Bodhi: Umm… A LOT. But here’s what matters. I don’t think I’ve talked about this in a conf yet, and if I did whatever. Before I got voted out the first time, Bodhi and I supposedly set aside the game for a second to talk about our alliance. [6/7/17, 12:57:22 PM] Bo dhi: So I just want to think out what exactly our alliance is. I just want to know what you want to do alliance wise. [6/7/17, 12:59:48 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): No you’re right, that’s smart because I don’t want something to go down and then us not be friends any more [6/7/17, 1:01:47 PM] Bo dhi: Imo, the two options are either A) we say it's just a game and that we're ok with the other taking us out, or B) that we go to the end together regardless of whether we think we can beat the other [6/7/17, 1:01:57 PM] Bo dhi: I'm honestly good for either one, but I want us to be clear [6/7/17, 1:04:01 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): I agree, I would feel the same way. Honestly, even though i’ve considered what would happen if I had to do option A, I really don’t think I could do it. I don’t see a path to the end for myself, but if it happens, i’d be happy to be with you there and lose. [6/7/17, 1:09:50 PM] Bo dhi: I could do it with some people, but I don't want to vote you out. Even if we agreed "yeah it's just a game" it would hurt. There’s more… but that’s the relevant part. We agree on Option B and that changes the course of my game. Because I was being completely honest, I’ll go to the end with Bodhi and lose. Happily. But now my game is looking out for the two of us and not just myself. I tell Bodhi about my idol and like clear up everything else I’d even moderately lied about to him to solidify this trust. Since then (once i’m brought back), I’m just like 100% all honesty. But here’s the problem: I am the most paranoid girl in the world. Like I really really hope Bodhi wasn’t lying and nothing he has done would suggest that AT ALL. But I just don’t want to be in this mindset where I’m 100% sure we’re being 100% honest and then actually let myself get disappointed if he decides I’m a liability. Normally if I was thinking about something like this, I would go tell Bodhi, but um IT’S ABOUT HIM SO I CANT. I’m trying my best not to think about it though, because when he is almost inevitably being completely honest and reads this conf. he’ll probably be like “why the doubt?” and it’s like idk man it’s a game that is foundationally built on the hopes that you’ll get paranoid and maneuver based on that… how could I not consider this? ANYWAY, let’s move onto tyrannical Jaiden because I mostly just had to write this part about Bodhi so I would stop thinking about it. Confs are for venting, right? From Jaiden: He’s going to be erratic and unpredictable no matter what. A LOT OF STUFF HAPPENED WITH JAIDEN. I could honestly go on and on and I’d die trying to explain it all, but here’s the short list and then a few important things will be highlighted. Within the past few hours before his vote out, Jaiden committed to voting Nicholas, told me he implicitly trusts Nicholas, asked me to vote Julia (which apparently Willa put in his head, which he told Bahamian Rhapsody), told Bodhi he wants Bodhi to win, and ripped Bodhi to shreds in pms with me. A TRUE MESS. Leading up to this though, let’s go back to when I was brought back into the game. Because I think Jaiden is PISSED as I mentioned, like going to metaphorically cyber murder me angry. I message Jaiden while he’s having his post-my-return-party blow up and then once I know my life is no longer in the balance, I decide we’re going to talk game. Now remember, Brian and I have already received polar opposite messages about my vote out from Jaiden. Jaiden mistakenly keeps up his pattern of lying and misleading everyone who will speak to him for no reason and doing it TO THE EXTREME. The first lie comes over discussion of who the vote should be for tonight. [6/11/17, 4:26:36 AM] jaiden: I heard a little idea of maybe going for one particular person but I think that's changed since Brian is back, which is amazing because Brian literally never fails at coming up with a better idea. [6/11/17, 4:27:17 AM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): Who is this one particular person, just to be clear? [6/11/17, 4:28:14 AM] jaiden: not saying anything because I don't wanna screw up whatever good graces I'm in with someone else. I can assure you that it wasn't you though [6/11/17, 4:31:07 AM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): Ok well, you have to understand, that puts me in a little bit of a weird position if i want to work with you. Like you dont have to tell me who said it, but can i know who it is? [6/11/17, 4:31:54 AM] jaiden: Okay, fair. It was Nicholas. So he tells me it was Nicholas, which I’ve already heard from Brian and ASSUME Jaiden has heard from Brian, though he won’t tell me because he’s trying to serve a grammy- award- winning ~I’m trustworthy~ vibe in this conversation. VERY off brand for Jaiden. Well then I started playing hard ball with Jaiden, even though I’m 99% sure I’m voting him out, to tell me who said Nicholas’s name. Eventually after enough prying, he tells me it’s Brian who mentioned it, confirming what I already knew. [6/11/17, 4:33:00 PM] jaiden: I haven't mentioned that it was him to anyone else so if it gets back to him, I'll scream ….LITERALLY I KNOW YOU TOLD JULIA AND ZACH that it was Brian who brought up Nicholas SO YOU BETTER BE SCREAMING JAIDEN…and do you want to hear about convoluted way I found out Julia and Zach knew Brian said this initially? Because… in the midst of me being pretty stern with Jaiden, and really digging into whether he heard it was Nicholas vs. had told Zach and Julia it was Nicholas himself, Jaiden is messaging Julia. So I end up seeing this message from Julia because while Jaiden and I are talking, Bodhi is on call with Zach and Julia. Jaiden -> Julia -> Bodhi -> me. Whew was I mad once Bodhi sent me this. > [6/11/17, 4:27:06 PM] jaiden: Dana is being fucking bitchy [6/11/17, 4:27:16 PM] julia rae: what she sayijng [6/11/17, 4:27:31 PM] jaiden: I told her last night that someone brought up Nicholas going home (it was Brian) but I didn't wanna rat Brian out to her In order to cover that Bodhi and I are working together, I DON’T EVEN GET THE DELIGHT OF CALLING JAIDEN OUT FOR CALLING ME BITCHY. But, this does highlight Jaiden’s sad failure of an attempt to pretend that he and I have some closed stream of information where he’s telling me things he isn’t saying to anyone else. THEN Jaiden spins a WILD tale that I know isn’t true because Bodhi and I had talked about it HOURS earlier. According to Jaiden, Bodhi wanted to take me out of the game and was trying to gather the votes. Once Jaiden basically realizes he is going home not matter what, he LAUNCHES into this story full force, and I’ll admit, even though I know it didn’t happen as he said… he fed into my paranoia a lil. Gage was really the one behind this failed vote plan, as long as Bodhi is telling me the truth, which I believe he is because otherwise there is no reason I would have been made aware of this HOURS before Jaiden told me. [6/11/17, 6:22:13 PM] jaiden: anyways I'm going home. [6/11/17, 6:22:31 PM] jaiden: I'm signing off skype because there's literally no chance people will save me bc bodhi hates me and wants me out [6/11/17, 6:22:38 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): fuck what [6/11/17, 6:22:39 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): ok [6/11/17, 6:24:23 PM] jaiden: Bodhi was coming after you lmao. I flipped it onto Nicholas because of what Brian said. Vote me out, I'm still voting for Nicholas, and I think it's still gonna be me. But Gage told me Bodhi was really wanting to flip on you, Lily, and Brian to get further in the game but for whatever reason!!!!! He's changed his mind. Because I want Nicholas out over you????? Idfk. Anyways I'll lay down and die like Bodhi fucking wants. This is just… a lie. Because while Jaiden is trying to convince me of this, Jaiden is also trying to convince Bodhi that he even told Gage any of this in the first place. This is where the two of them start getting into a fight. But before we get there, let’s take note of what Jaiden sent to Bodhi… [6:19:00 PM] jaiden: Bodhi. I'm not going to win. I literally could go and tell Dana you wanted to flip on her but I won't because I still want to work with you, dude ….HE CAME TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT… REPEATEDLY IN FACT. So then Bodhi and Jaiden start this weird fight, where Jaiden is ranting to me about how Bodhi is a piece of shit and im just like adding nothing of value to the conversation. Finally, Jaiden claims that after he threatened to tell me Bodhi wanted me out…Bodhi wanted revenge. [6/11/17, 6:36:12 PM] jaiden: I told bodhi I could tell you that he was going to vote you out but I wouldn't [6/11/17, 6:36:22 PM] jaiden: Then he went and told Nicholas I was going for him because he's mad … except Bodhi told Nicholas this HOURS beforehand. Yet another lie from Jaiden. With all this lying, he HAD TO GO. Like it was out of hand bad honestly. To his credit, he didn’t know that Bodhi and I are going back and forth this much… but his strategy almost RELIES on nobody comparing any notes, which is too dangerous. Honestly, I’m just thankful Jaiden is gone because whew was I actually starting to feel irl stressed by his presence. I’ve aged 100 years in the last day and it’s not a cute look. III. Moving Forward 1) Lily vs. Brian is going to matter in this next vote. Brian has mentioned to me that “nobody would ever vote Lily” which makes her threatening. Agreed, but If I let people starting voting out social threats right now I might as well say bye to myself round 2. Lily and I talked about Brian as a threat, a conversation the Bodhi and I have had numerous times and that Bodhi says he and Kai have had. Things like this are GREAT for me because they take a little bit of pressure off of my gameplay. Right now I’m debating on whether or not to tell Lily about Brian’s plan to send her home eventually. This could put some pressure back on me, but also it could also give me a lot of leverage over their relationship. TBD. 2) Fix things with Gage. In spite of Jaiden’s BS, Gage did say he wanted me, Lily, and Brian out… I THINK. I told Gage before the Jaiden vote that he and I should talk game soon, and I need to make that happen today so that we can proceed. 3) Figure out what to do with my fav Nicholas who I love very much and inevitably will not be able to keep around much longer. I feel like I would love Nicholas as an irl friend, but in this game unfortunately he’s gotta go soon. Current Skink tribe fan theory suggests that he is pretending not to give a fuck about the game so he can go far and win. And honestly? Pretty smart. Good work queen. 4) Decide whether talking to Kai and Julia outside of tribe chat makes any sense at this point/ ever? I feel like it makes me look disingenuous if I just randomly start speaking to them after we haven’t talked basically ever. I’ve heard from a few players outside of this game that it is only worthwhile to spend time talking to the people you can actually manipulate, so maybe I’ve lost out on those relationships and should keep up the radio silence. TBD. 5) There is a plan with Zach and Julia in the works that Bodhi is entirely manipulating on his own because I lowkey barely talk to Zach though he is also a fav. I have no reason to believe this plan will work, but also things are lining up so far and Zach/Julia have been honest with Bodhi about their voting thus far. Also important, they don’t know that this plan exists at all. This plan is V ROUGH, but basically makes it so Gage, Kai, Bodhi could flip with Julia and Zach to vote out someone in our Bahamian Rhapsody alliance soon with me joining them later. Most importantly, it is structured to minimize the possibility that Bodhi and I ever have to flip together at the same time because that is too sketchy. WE MADE IT TO THE END AND I FEEL ALIVE. Knowing this game? I’ll probably have to do it all again tomorrow.

Jaiden was robbed but also not robbed. Hopefully Julia can go next and then I can decide if I want to turn on Brian, Bodhi or just... stick with this huge alliance for whatever reason.

so me and zach made a deal with bodhi for him to keep us safe and have nicholas go this week. im really hoping he stays true to that and doesnt try to get us out this time bc honestly we just want to make single digits. i kinda wanna act like the goat so ppl will take me far but we'll see

So originally, my plan for this vote was to do some wonky flipping and take out someone big. But other people have plans for big moves, and I've heard of them from multiple sides. Interesting. There is nothing in stone, but Brian and Nicholas are both potential targets. This is GOOD. I don't want to keep either of them around too much longer, and I think I could easily win either of their jury votes. This is rather dandy. Last night, Brian gave Dana his ideal "boot list." Of course, Dana ran right to me and told me. That's because Dana and I are bffs, and we both think Brian is a threat and a joke. Brian wants a final 4 of Dana+Brian+Kai+myself. This would lead to him booting me in 4th place. I don't want that shit. I'd rather Brian go out before final 4, and I'd rather stick around to the end. So that's my plan. Take Brian out at some point, and win. Solid game plan, right? This final 4 got Kai and I talking about JURY MANAGEMENT. I told Kai that neither of us can beat Dana at the end. I suggested a final 3 with Gage. Of course, I'd rather have a final 3 with Dana, but I don't want that to be too obvious. Kai asked who I think would get each Jury vote. I turned it into a game where we take turns saying one juror each. The reason for this is that I don't want Kai to know how big my Jury ego is, and how I think I can beat almost anyone at the end. It's currently with a Gage majority, which is laughable. I'm just throwing jurors who I think are voting me over to Gage so that Kai thinks that I'm gonna get 3rd place. Here is the list of who each juror will vote for in a final 3 of Kai/Gage/Bodhi according to the list that Kai and I have compiled: Adrian - Gage Brian - Kai Dana - Bodhi Jaiden - Gage Julia - Bodhi Lily - (we decided that she'll vote whoever betrayed her the least) Nicholas - (we haven't discussed this one yet) Willa - Kai Zachary - Gage/Kai Laughable, right? Here's what I think it would look like in reality: Adrian - Bodhi Brian - Kai or Bodhi Dana - Bodhi Jaiden - Gage Julia - Bodhi Lily - Bodhi Nicholas - Bodhi Willa - Kai Zachary - Bodhi Now I'm not absolutely certain, but I do think that I have the most locked down jurors. Dana, Julia, and Zachary are ABSOLUTELY voting for me at the end. Jaiden is voting against me, but I don't really care all that much. I don't think that either of the other two have many jurors locked in. I think I'm all set

Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian by Vachel Lindsay I In a nation of one hundred fine, mob-hearted, lynching, relenting, repenting millions, There are plenty of sweeping, swinging, stinging, gorgeous things to shout about, And knock your old blue devils out. I brag and chant of Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Candidate for president who sketched a silver Zion, The one American Poet who could sing outdoors, He brought in tides of wonder, of unprecedented splendor, Wild roses from the plains, that made hearts tender, All the funny circus silks Of politics unfurled, Bartlett pears of romance that were honey at the cores, And torchlights down the street, to the end of the world. There were truths eternal in the gap and tittle-tattle. There were real heads broken in the fustian and the rattle. There were real lines drawn: Not the silver and the gold, But Nebraska's cry went eastward against the dour and old, The mean and cold. It was eighteen ninety-six, and I was just sixteen And Altgeld ruled in Springfield, Illinois, When there came from the sunset Nebraska's shout of joy: In a coat like a deacon, in a black Stetson hat He scourged the elephant plutocrats With barbed wire from the Platte. The scales dropped from their mighty eyes. They saw that summer's noon A tribe of wonders coming To a marching tune. Oh the longhorns from Texas, The jay hawks from Kansas, The plop-eyed bungaroo and giant giassicus, The varmint, chipmunk, bugaboo, The horn-toad, prairie-dog and ballyhoo, From all the newborn states arow, Bidding the eagles of the west fly on, Bidding the eagles of the west fly on. The fawn, prodactyl, and thing-a-ma-jig, The rackaboor, the hellangone, The whangdoodle, batfowl and pig, The coyote, wild-cat and grizzly in a glow, In a miracle of health and speed, the whole breed abreast, The leaped the Mississippi, blue border of the West, From the Gulf to Canada, two thousand miles long:- Against the towns of Tubal Cain, Ah,-- sharp was their song. Against the ways of Tubal Cain, too cunning for the young, The longhorn calf, the buffalo and wampus gave tongue. These creatures were defending things Mark Hanna never dreamed: The moods of airy childhood that in desert dews gleamed, The gossamers and whimsies, The monkeyshines and didoes Rank and strange Of the canyons and the range, The ultimate fantastics Of the far western slope, And of prairie schooner children Born beneath the stars, Beneath falling snows, Of the babies born at midnight In the sod huts of lost hope, With no physician there, Except a Kansas prayer, With the Indian raid a howling through the air. And all these in their helpless days By the dour East oppressed, Mean paternalism Making their mistakes for them, Crucifying half the West, Till the whole Atlantic coast Seemed a giant spiders' nest. And these children and their sons At last rode through the cactus, A cliff of mighty cowboys On the lope, With gun and rope. And all the way to frightened Maine the old East heard them call, And saw our Brian by a mile lead the wall Of men and whirling flowers and beasts, The bard and prophet of them all. Prairie avenger, mountain lion, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Gigantic troubadour, speaking like a siege gun, Smashing Plymouth Rock with his boulders from the West, And just a hundred miles behind, tornadoes piled across the sky, Blotting out sun and moon, A sign on high. Headlong, dazed and blinking in the weird green light, The scalawags made moan, Afraid to fight. II When Brian came to Springfield , and Altgeld gave him greeting, Rochester was deserted, Divernon was deserted, Mechanicsburg, Riverton, Chickenbristle, Cotton Hill, Empty: for all Sangamon drove to the meeting- In silver-decked racing cart, Buggy, buckboard, carryall, Carriage, phaeton, whatever would haul, And silver-decked farm wagons gritted, banged and rolled, With the new tale of Brian by the iron tires told. The State House loomed afar, A speck, a hive, a football, a captive balloon! And the town was all one spreading wing of bunting, plumes, and sunshine, Every rag and flag and Brian picture sold, When the rigs in many a dusty line Jammed our streets at noon, And joined the wild parade against the power of gold. We roamed, we boys from High School, With mankind, while Springfield gleamed, silk-lined. Oh, Tom Dines, and Art Fitzgerald, And the gangs that they could get! I can hear them yelling yet. Helping the incantation, Defying aristocracy, With every bridle gone, Ridding the world of the low down mean, Bidding the eagles of the West fly on, Bidding the eagles of the West fly on, We were bully, wild and woolly, Never yet curried below the knees. We saw flowers in the air, Fair as the Pleiades, bright as Orion, -Hopes of all mankind, Made rare, resistless, thrice refined. Oh, we bucks from every Springfield ward! Colts of democracy- Yet time-winds out of Chaos from the star-fields of the Lord. The long parade rolled on. I stood by my best girl. She was a cool young citizen, with wise and laughing eyes. With my necktie by my ear, I was stepping on my dear, But she kept like a pattern without a shaken curl. She wore in her hair a brave prairie rose. Her gold chums cut her, for that was not the pose. No Gibson Girl would wear it in that fresh way. But we were fairy Democrats, and this was our day. The earth rocked like the ocean, the sidewalk was a deck. The houses for the moment were lost in the wide wreck. And the bands played strange and stranger music as they trailed along. Against the ways of Tubal Cain, Ah, sharp was their song! The demons in the bricks, the demons in the grass, The demons in the bank-vaults peered out to see us pass, And the angels in the trees, the angels in the grass, The angels in the flags, peered out to see us pass. And the sidewalk was our chariot, and the flowers bloomed higher, And the street turned to silver and the grass turned to fire, And then it was but grass, and the town was there again, A place for women and men. III Then we stood where we could see Every band, And the speaker's stand. And Brian took the platform. And he was introduced. And he lifted his hand And cast a new spell. Progressive silence fell In Springfield, in Illinois, around the world. Then we heard these glacial boulders across the prairie rolled: 'The people have a right to make their own mistakes.... You shall not crucify mankind Upon a cross of gold.' And everybody heard him- In the streets and State House yard. And everybody heard him in Springfield, in Illinois, Around and around and around the world, That danced upon its axis And like a darling broncho whirled. IV July, August, suspense, Wall Street lost to sense. August, September, October, More suspense, And the whole East down like a wind-smashed fence. Then Hanna to the rescue, Hanna of Ohio, Rallying the roller-tops, Rallying the bucket-shops. Threatening drouth and death, Promising manna, Rallying the trusts against the bawling flannelmouth; Invading misers' cellars, tin-cans, socks, Melting down the rocks, Pouring out the long green to a million workers, Spondulix by the mountain-load, to stop each new tornado, And beat the cheapskate, blatherskite, Populistic, anarchistic, deacon-desperado. V Election night at midnight: Boy Brian's defeat. Defeat of western silver. Defeat of the wheat. Victory of letterfiles And plutocrats in miles With dollar signs upon their coats, Diamond watchchains on their vests and spats on their feet. Victory of custodians, Plymouth Rock, And all that inbred landlord stock. Victory of the neat. Defeat of the aspen groves of Colorado valleys, The blue bells of the Rockies, And blue bonnets of old Texas, by the Pittsburg alleys. Defeat of alfalfa and the Mariposa lily. Defeat of the Pacific and the long Mississippi. Defeat of the young by the old and the silly. Defeat of tornadoes by the poison vats supreme. Defeat of my boyhood, defeat of my dream. VI Where is McKinley, that respectable McKinley, The man without an angle or a tangle, Who soothed down the city man and soothed down the farmer, The German, the Irish, the Southerner, the Northerner, Who climbed every greasy pole, and slipped through every crack; Who soothed down the gambling hall, the bar-room, the church, The devil-vote, the angel vote, the neutral vote, The desperately wicked, and their victims on the rack, The gold vote, the silver vote, the brass vote, the lead vote, Every vote?... Where is McKinley, Mark Hanna's McKinley, His slave, his echo, his suit of clothes? Gone to join the shadows, with the pomps of that time, And the flames of that summer's prairie rose. Where is Cleveland whom the Democratic platform Read from the party in a glorious hour? Gone to join the shadows with pitchfork Tillman, And sledge-hammer Altgeld who wrecked his power. Where is Hanna, bulldog Hanna, Low-browed Hanna, who said: Stand pat'? Gone to his place with old Pierpont Morgan. Gone somewhere...with lean rat Platt. Where is Roosevelt, the young dude cowboy, Who hated Brian, then aped his way? Gone to join the shadows with might Cromwell And tall King Saul, till the Judgement day. Where is Altgeld, brave as the truth, Whose name the few still say with tears? Gone to join the ironies with Old John Brown, Whose fame rings loud for a thousand years. Where is that boy, that Heaven-born Brian, That Homer Brian, who sang from the West? Gone to join the shadows with Altgeld the Eagle, Where the kings and the slaves and the troubadours rest.

Brian has been renamed Cool Brian. Stay tuned

I am ADDICTED to suggesting voting out Willa. I have been doing it for many days. It is bad. but i can quit any time i want. right?????

[9:43:38 PM] Bo dhi: ok [9:43:43 PM] Bo dhi: are we doing Nicholas or brian [9:43:55 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i think nicholas tbh [9:44:14 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): Like Brian has made it pretty clear he wants to work with us, and i dont think we should turn on that yet? [9:44:24 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): but i can really do whatever [9:45:16 PM] Bo dhi: ok I get that [9:45:20 PM] Bo dhi: ill go with that :) [9:45:27 PM] Bo dhi: I mean we gotta talk tomorrow too [9:45:30 PM] Bo dhi: figure it out [9:45:47 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): yeah obv. im mad i dont think ill be around for tribal again [9:47:55 PM] Bo dhi: I wont be here at this one [9:50:06 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): it seems kind of easy, so i guess i wont worry too much, but idk [9:50:12 PM] Bo dhi: wanna make it willa [9:50:16 PM] Bo dhi: that would not be easy [9:50:17 PM] Bo dhi: bad call [9:50:18 PM] Bo dhi: no no no [9:50:20 PM] Bo dhi: don't [9:50:24 PM] Bo dhi: I need to STOP my obsession [9:50:34 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i kind of dont think willa is a bad ideea [9:51:16 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): because Nicholas will listen to me. and willa WILL try to flip on us [9:51:39 PM] Bo dhi: and I can get Zach + Julia almost without question [9:51:43 PM] Bo dhi: that's 5 [9:51:53 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): yeah but we shouldnt flip together [9:52:16 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): so if we cant pull in another then we should wait a round [9:52:25 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i mean we can tell nicholas to do it or he’s going [9:52:43 PM] Bo dhi: we can explain working together without it being us two SUPER close [9:53:04 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): yeah ur right i forget that sometimes [9:53:33 PM] Bo dhi: should we [9:53:53 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): idk do we isolate too many people [9:53:55 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i think we might [9:54:01 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): if we wait 1 round [9:54:11 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): it might be better [9:54:46 PM] Bo dhi: but then one of us could be exiled [9:54:55 PM] Bo dhi: and willa would know that the game was starting to shake around [9:55:19 PM] Bo dhi: and there would only be 3 more votes to use the idol [9:55:23 PM] Bo dhi: so theres a good chance [9:55:30 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): right- also for all we knwo, willa is trying to pull something this round [9:55:36 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): like i dont know why he wouldnt [9:56:17 PM] Bo dhi: absolutely. I think it could be neccecary to be honest [9:56:24 PM] Bo dhi: gage will come back and work with us [9:56:39 PM] Bo dhi: the question is who do we get rid of next [9:56:44 PM] Bo dhi: because that could screw us [9:56:50 PM] Bo dhi: we might need to just take out brian/lily [9:56:57 PM] Bo dhi: and then we're the big threats to flip on [9:58:02 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): i think the urgency of getting Willa out of this game depends on what conversations we hear tomorow. [9:58:10 PM] Bo dhi: excellent call [9:58:13 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): if we start hearing non Nicholas/ Julia [9:58:17 PM] Dana Barry (Bouvet Islands Host): we need to strike for sure

so like i obviously said ive been wanting to flip on nicholas for awhile. i think whats going to happen tonight is the whole majority is going to tell us that the majority is brian. i think either an idol is going to be used on brian or itll be 3-3-3 and they either vote me or nicholas out in the revote. my plan is to get me and zach to flip on nicholas, voting him out and itll be 5-3-1. it'll keep MY ass safe and its what nicholas deserves. god i hope this works B)

I'm having difficulty trusting Zach as much as i would like to because he is very paranoid even though he has immunity. So like. Fuck.

Today, Brian made a slip that cost him the game. He's said things to Dana and I that make it seem like he knows we're tight, and just this morning when i said that I know Willa has an idol he said "oh, so Dana told you?" Now Dana and I don't trust that he's actually wanting us in the final 4, and Dana wants to vote him out. I literally am so fine with voting him out it's not even funny. So it is time to vote out the Prairie avenger, mountain lion, Brian Brian Brian Brian. Cool Brian is going to leave, and that's gonna be the end of him! I really hope he and Adrian have a good time on the jury together. That sounds like a fucking party. So we've got Dana, Zach, Julia, Nicholas, and myself voting Brian, and then FUCKIN GAGE COMES BACK FROM EXILE. N O N O N O. 10 people is a weird number to make a big move with. 6-4 is just an AWKWARD dynamic. But we're doing it anyway I guess.

So according to Zachary, Willa decided to take advantage of the split and try to rally Zach Julia and Nicholas against Brian. This lets us have ANOTHER split. So this vote could theoretically be 5-2-2-1. I'm heavily considering getting myself and Dana to vote for Willa just in case Brian has an idol. This could be an incredibly complex vote.

Ok so Willa wants to flip and get out Brian? (me too but) we're gonna be splitting votes between Brian and Willa because Willa so kindly graced us with his vote!! There's a method behind this madness of a 4-3-2-1 vote. We want Willa to think he was being blindsided, but it failed last minute. How do we do this? VOTING CONFESSIONALS. Zachary puts a 1 on his vote, Nicholas puts a 2 on his vote, and .... I PUT A 4 ON MY VOTE. Then Willa is like "shit, had #3 voted for me, I'd be dead." This plan exists so that Willa freaks out about whether there are people actually gunning for him, and so he starts trying big shit. It'll get him to waste his idol next tribal (just wait), and it'll also get him to try and completely realign himself. This is NOT going to work for our tragic hero, but it'll make for one hell of a few days.

There have been 101 conversations about what the fuck is going down at tribal tonight, and while I feel like I'm totally up on the plan, everyone is trying to make an OTT move tonight sooo Alright, so Bahamian Rhapsody alliance basically has a conversation about splitting votes between Nicholas and Julia this morning. To be honest, I never really want either of these two to leave. Julia barely plays this game, and I think I have a better chance of getting someone like Nicholas to work with me later down the line then someone like Willa. So basically this plan immediately disintegrates, but right now hopefully Brian, Kai, and Lily are still believing it. So Bodhi and I decide that even though we have a F4 with Kai and Brian called "The Hotdogs" it's probably time for Brian to go. He could have advantages, he's also just generally a threatening player because of his relationships and strength in challenges. At this point, Bodhi and I are going to vote Brian with hopefully Zach, Julia, Gage, and Nicholas. This, however, would mean that we were flipping together, which the goal is not to do. Then things get shaken up because Zach tells Bodhi another group has brought him a blindside for Brian tonight. I assume it's Willa, because Willa is probably coming from the same place Bodhi and I are, where he's like "I need to make a move." So we assume that Willa is trying to also take advantage of the vote split using Nicholas, Zach, Julia, and MAYBE Lily (whose willingness to vote for Nicholas was unclear). Basically, I give Bodhi the idea to tell Zach that he HAS to tell Bodhi who told him about blindsiding Brian because if a unanimous blindside for Brian were to come together from two separate groups (who didnt know the other was voting Brian) and Brian played an idol, someone like Julia or Nicholas could go home, which is the exact situation Zach wants to prevent. At this point, Zach tells Bodhi it is Willa, confirming what I already thought. Then Bodhi is like, lets split even further, and tells me he wants to pull off a 4-3-2-1 vote. We pick Willa because we know Willa has an idol, and thus in the off chance Brian has an idol, Willa will be gone and his idol flushed. Bodhi, somewhat naively imo, tells me it's going to be easy, which I think is a complete overestimation of how complex this game is, but whatever. He tells me to still vote Brian, which was my plan anyway. So then the vote breakdown would go as follows: 4 Brian (Me, Gage, Julia, Willa), 3 Willa ( Bodhi, Zach, Nicholas), 2 Nicholas (Brian and Lily), 1 Julia (Kai). Bodhi has some really flashy plan to pretend the split for Willa was last minute move by making people number their votes 1,2,4 so it looks like someone defected last minute and that Willa was only 1 vote from leaving the game. It's really fucking funny, but also it would be stupid for me to not think about how this impacts my game. Here's the thing, overall, this is all kind of fine with me. If I weren't playing this game, I would love it. Even still, if it works, it'll be hysterical. But moving forward in this game, a move like this REALLY isn't advantageous for me and i'm worried i'm starting to get envious? jealous?-- idk which word is better-- of people who are going to be visible for making big moves like this if they get to the end, including people like Bodhi. Because here's the thing, i'm still an important player in this move to take out Brian and split with Willa, but I'm a silent player and I didn't really choose to be. As far as Zach, Nicholas, and Julia know, I have no knowledge of this plan of a side split for Willa, and that sucks for me. It also makes my day harder, because I can't talk to any of them right now without putting them in a position where they would have to lie to me and pretend they aren't voting for Willa. So instead I have to ignore them, so as to avoid a situation where they lie to me, vote Willa tonight, and then feel uncomfortable playing the game with me moving forward because they know they've been dishonest with me and I might not trust them. So assuming things go down like this... what do i gain from this move? Very little is the answer. Perhaps Willa and Gage (who I already know is uneasy about me for no reason) start to trust me more. But I get none of the glory of pulling off something funny or smart, and more importantly I've voted out someone who claims they want F4 with me and put him on the jury, which is blood on my hands that people like Bodhi won't have. More importantly, the Willa defectors get to put a cool move on their resumes. So I have two counter plans that can help me compensate for having to partake in this move as a silent actor. One of them is necessary imo, and the other is nothing more then a plan in the works for me to get the glory I deserve. 1) One thing i'm PANICKED about tonight is that a group of Julia, Zach, Nicholas, and probably Lily (because she's close with Nicholas) could come together and pick a new target. Namely, someone like me, which would either create a tie with Brian or if they could pull enough people, send me home. This is paranoia in prime form, and I know it. BUT, In order to prevent this, I'm toying with the idea of sending Lily a boot list Brian sent me the other night (I know, A BOOT LIST, who sends those) that has her as the f10 boot and telling her she should vote with me tonight for Brian. This would give me some more confidence in her, and eliminate the possibility that she is conspiring with a Zach, Julia, Nicholas group about picking their own target. it also makes the 4-3-2-1 less flashy by producing a 5-3-1-1, which is kind of bitchy of me, but ummmm... who cares? Here's the problem though: I don't want Lily to have time to go to Brian with this information before the vote because it increases the chances of idol play. Anyway, I just have to think about that option for the next few hours. 2) I am plotting my big move. If I gain no notoriety from this vote, you bet people are going to be thinkin I'm (cautiously) good at this game by the next vote. If Gage doesnt get closer to me by the next vote, I'm thinking of targeting him because he is a sneaky snake in this game and really playing a pretty good UTR game in my opinion. Other than that, hopefully things go well tonight. Either way, the fallout from this vote PROMISES to be lit and I better be here tomorrow.

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