#where did my childhood go

[bury-me-alive]

#traumacore #actually traumatized #im so tired #where did my childhood go #mentally ill #mentally unstable #su1c1d4l #ventcore #void #dereality

[introspectivememories]

#AUUUGH WAILING SCREAMING CRYING SLIDING DOWN THE WALL SOBBING #BROCEDES PLEASE WHY COULDN'T YOU TWO HAVE BEEN NON-FAMOUS #WHY DID YOU DRAG ALL OF US INTO YOUR SITUATIONSHIP #my mom is sick of me wailing about them. nearly collapsed at work when i remembered 'yes... and team-mate' #sliver springs is going platinum in my house rn #how can you be childhood friends and just fall apart like that? i think about falling out with tas like that and i go nearly catatonic #yeah you're a 7x wdc winner and you got the one wdc that you wanted but was it worth it? was this loss worth it? would you do it again? #going by the interviews they probably would and that's why they fell out in the first place. i literally cannot imagine caring about some #trophy over my childhood best friend but like i guess that's why they're pro level athletes and i'm in my room posting about them #anyway what the fuck was up during f1 photographers during their fallout? why is every photo of them cinematic? did you know we'd be using #them? did you know we'd go crazy? or were you also like 'oh this is cinema in the making. i gotta capture this.'? #anyway for all of that want to know where the quote is from‚ it's jacob black from twilight when bella is getting turned into a vamp #stephanie meyer had one (1) banger line and it was this #brocedes #brocedes edit #f1 edit #f1 web weaving #nico rosberg #lewis hamilton #nr6 #lh44 #formula 1 #web weaving #please ignore my absolutely atrocious photo editing skills. thank you imgflip!!

[songofsunset]

Today we weren't allowed out on the playground due to wet paint, and my kids were doing great but by the end of the day we were getting stir crazy and bouncing off the walls

And also separately we've been working with this one kid to try and control her temper (her tiny body fills up with So Much Rage and she will bite!!!) and I realized that we only tried to give her tools to deal with that when she was all worked up, and that isn't any sort of way to build a new skill

So we all sat on the carpet and and dimmed the lights and took like 5 minutes for toddler yoga and deep breathing and it was actually great?????? We practiced taking deep breaths and blowing them out (toddlers can't see the difference between breathing in and breathing out, they just hear it, like a lot of times if you show them how to smell a flower they will blow on the flower!!!! So emphasizing the blowing out part helps them figure out the breathing in part) and we patted our heads..... And our shoulders ... Then gave ourselves a big hug!!!! (One little boy who loves hugs was so excited about this part!!) Then I walked them through a basic sensory activity where we felt the carpet with our hands and listened with our ears to see what we could hear and then looked around for what we could see, and then we did deep breathing and stood up together for some stretching and wrapped it up

And it was so helpful??? It really helped reset the mood in the classroom, it was amazing

AND THEN, later in the day, when my tiny child was full of rage when her classmate grabbed a toy, I said 'take a deep breath!!!'

AND SHE DID

SHE STOPPED RIGHT THERE ALL FULL OF RAGE AND TOOK THE TINIEST ANGRIEST MOST ADORABLE BIG BREATH IVE EVER SEEN AND IM SO FUCKING PROUD OF HER!!!!!!!!

#SHE DID IT!!!!!! SHE DID THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!¡!! #ive done enough therapy that at this end of time i forget how much of my childhood i spent Really Angry anf unable to cope #and the only times people ever tried to help me with it was during!!!! it was not effective!!!!!!!! #and so i realized this and was like 'what are we doing???' and by god we will do better by this child!!!!! #......is what I say about all my children lmao there is catharsis in a job like this #i understand my parents much better now and they did really try and also I see where they messed up and hurt me and why its a whole thing #ANYWAYS THE POINT IS THAT THIS IS A TEACHER VICTORY AND IM REALLY PROUD OF MY STUDENT!!!! LOOK AT HER GO!!!! #gotta chat with mom and dad so we can pass on the advice!!! #.....her mom and dad. my parents dont need to hear shit lmao we're beyond that hahaha #lori chat

[oatbugs]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months #to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them #in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago. #(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought #i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are #and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it #its worth missing i think #i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over #(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year) #(hed come across the bridge on a lake) #we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared. #it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think #i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much. #and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat #they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand #how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much #i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around #something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode #arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully #last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing #and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets #and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably #have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused #blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like #i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much #my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to #music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads #i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says #what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine. #she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.

[lobotomizedlady]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool

[roobylavender]

im really sorry if this question ends up being repetitive: but, if not for bruce’s over reliance on dick to regulate his thoughts and emotions, why would dick grow up into feeling like he needs to repress his emotions so much and his eagerness to act as people’s support? i know youve spoken about wolfman and his altering of their relationship but if ntt is generally an accurate portrayal of an adult dick, to me this nevertheless sounds like the consequences a parent-child relationship where the responsibilities are titled too much towards the child

i suppose this could also segue into asking for recs that would help me better understand your interpretation of their relationship 👀

not repetitive at all! to me the irony of wolfman's depiction of dick lies in that it is simultaneously something you can logically ascertain from prior canon but not for the reasons actually presented by wolfman. if that makes sense. he does extra work that isn't actually necessary to help explain why dick would act the way that he does because there's plenty of reasons for it without rewriting his history with bruce to have always been suppressed and edgy and dark. to me it makes far more sense to capitalize on the inevitable disconnect between bruce and dick as an adult and a child. batman: full circle is a good example of that dichotomy (and although it was published in the early 90s it built on mike w. barr's prior understanding of the relationship between dick and bruce that he wrote into the early 80s). bruce's primary concern for the people he works with is never standards or finesse but safety. he worries constantly about others coming to harm under his watch and with a child in particular those worries were exacerbated. he ran a tight ship not because he believed dick had anything to prove but because the only way dick could keep being robin was if he went about it safely. that was obv easy for an adult to understand. but not so much for a child

to bruce these worries were practical and par for the course (as well as an expression of his love and protectiveness) but for dick their consequences formed the crux of his entire world. as a child he idolized everything about bruce. his heroism. his work ethic. his skill. his resolve. his preparedness. if dick couldn't live up to the standard he set for himself in idolizing bruce then what could he ever hope to amount to? that was the thought constantly going through his head. and it's why the bulk of his childhood and primary tenure as bruce's partner was so precariously protected by the fact that nothing bad ever really happened during it (and admittedly this framing is convenient because even chronologically speaking nothing very significant happened in their history with each other until dick left for university in 1969) (i know dixon opted to write that whole shtick with dent in his version of events but personally i never found it necessary to do so). there is enough there in the idea of dick working hard for the course of a decade to embody who he believed bruce to be that lends itself to it eventually being difficult for him to healthily express himself once the rift between them actually began to emerge

because what about bruce was there to actually see that was broken and dark before dick became an adult? i know a lot of dick fans hate batman #408 because they don't like that it enforced "retirement" upon dick (which i personally believe is a conclusion they come to because of the way batman #416 re-framed the same scene) but to me that's an inaccurate reading of the text. batman #408 was about bruce (admittedly far too belatedly) recognizing that he could not in good conscience continue to ask dick to go out and be a vigilante on what he considered to be his own "orders". he viewed dick's close call with death at the hands of the joker as something directly of his own making. although their tenure with each other had been wonderful if dick wanted to continue to be a vigilante it had to be on his own terms and of his own volition. obv that was logical to bruce and it was something dick managed to accept in the moment. but it's still hard to go from always having a purpose alongside someone you idolized to finally being entrusted entirely to forge your own

in general i like the idea of dick the adult becoming privy to all of the personal problems and conflicts that come with being a vigilante. he was conveniently shielded from a lot of those problems as a child because all he had to do was be bruce's partner and hope to live up to the title. bruce had no reason to trauma dump on him or talk about his worries and concerns at length with him because it was never supposed to be dick's job to field those worries and concerns in the first place. he was a child. the only thing bruce wanted to do was to help channel his emotions through an outlet and provide him with a home to grow up in. but when you become an adult often that dynamic shifts. you're still not responsible for fielding those worries and concerns but you can perhaps be trusted with them. that's why i like the framing in batman #408 of dick now being a man. it's a subtle way to frame the double-edged sword of adulthood. the world is in your hands now but so will be the horrors that come with it. coming to terms with the real world that bruce lives in should be hard for dick. coming to terms with who bruce is when he's not perfect should be hard. coming to terms with how quietly bruce kept his grief because he did not see fit to overwhelm a child with it should be hard. that dichotomy of dick both wanting to be bruce's brother and his son should form the crux of their conflict with each other because you can't hope to be someone's equal and someone's protected at the same time in that kind of relationship. for dick to transition into the position of equal he has to expose himself to the fact that bruce is not in fact an idol but someone irrevocably human. and that should interfere significantly with his head and his own standards for himself

#all of this to say. i don't think it's so much about pre-ntt canon directly predicating ntt-dick's characterization #like it's not these events happened in the 60s and 70s so that's why he acts this way in the 80s #it's more the opposite. because these things Didn't happen in the 60s and 70s. that's why being on his own in the 80s is hard #dick wants so badly to be bruce's equal and an adult and a leader and someone trusted by others #but those are all things easier said than done. and the worst tragedy of it is that the bruce dick knows from childhood #is not the bruce he knows in adulthood. they are from the same person. but they are still different #because there are things dick is allowed to see as an adult that bruce spared him from when he was a child #and on one hand that was the right thing to do. but on the other hand it's devastating. because dick obv doesn't know how to cope #how do you cope with the fact that your decade-long idol is not in fact what you made him up to be #(and the thing is it's not that bruce isn't what dick made him up to be) (it's that he's also other things) #(he's sad. he's guilty. he's exhausted. sometimes he doesn't know how to go on) #reconciling with those realities should be unbearable for dick. because being robin has given him so much purpose #and while being batman gives bruce purpose too there are also so many times where he absolutely bends under the weight of it #and that sight should be frightening to dick #that's why i really like knightfall. or the potential of it because i mean prodigal did not deal with the aftermath of it #in a way that i liked at all. it was quite underwhelming #and then you guys obv know my issues with the framing of dick's reaction to jason's death and his conversation with bruce there #but the idea of dick needing to cope with bruce being a human capable of breaking under his own imposed duties is impt #and so my reading of their relationship is less about things written explicitly in text and more about drawing logical inferences #idk. i feel like i am all over the place i'm not sure if this sufficiently answers your question i'm sorryjgfkldghf #outbox

[caimitos]

saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad

#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries #it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc #ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop #like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions #cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt #you know how it goes #vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own #students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country #until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem #this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL #our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries! #but the mental image is a bit funny #vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa #i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med #expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc #anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history #i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3) #as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me) #lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc #theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly #being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her #lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao #years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth #cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination.... #I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭 #i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess #but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh. #skl.txt

[totally-just-trash]

You long for it. You Envy it. The peace and tranquillity of this place

#dissociation #liminalcore #edit #home #rapid eyes #my edit #liminal tumblr #where did everyone go #longing #desire #jelousy #envy #home is the first grave #death #growing up #childhood

[acediaedeus]

do you ever wonder whether Ichigo had dreams as a kid? did he ever lay in bed, after being tucked in by his loving mother, and imagine his future? and do you ever think about Ichigo, right after his youth, spent being a weapon of war, has ended? about him coming home after a tiring day, filled with what is, in comparison, trivial human matters, and just sitting there for a moment? and then coming to bed and trying very hard to not imagine anything at all? do you? because I don’t!

#bleach #kurosaki ichigo #subscription to childhood cancelled at 9 #subscription to youth at 15 #get this man some therapy #I can’t imagine going to school taking exams and applying to fuckass universities after being a veteran of TWO wars #and he’s not even legally an adult yet #also imagine how shitty it is not being able to pull the ‘I am a war veteran’ card bc technically he isn’t? #do you think he’s capable of actually being a fully functioning member of society? bc I doubt it #oh yes. the going to war then becoming an adrenaline junky pipeline. my favourite #but the normal stuff like bungee jumping or wtvr isn’t doing it for you. violence is. #this where grimmjow comes in #aaand #grimmichi #I did say I could turn anything into grimmichi ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

[ask-wren-zhang]

For your ask post:

If they were ever granted one wish, what would they wish for?

Sighs in wistful lactose intolerance, "to eat a cheesecake." 😔

#rp #wren speaks #wren tries to be funny #writing the rest OOC bc Wren is very unlikely to say any of these out loud 😆 It's going to get a bit convoluted from here #and I really want to take this chance to add something more in depth instead of just something quippy as usual #a little backstory tidbit #Ok so Wren was born in Dublin but her family moved to Belfast #a violent and overcrowded city with deteriorating conditions at the time HL takes place (I did my history homework lol) #at some point Wren's childhood was plagued with riots and arsons #it's why she dislikes the spell Incendio 🔥 #yet even since attending Hogwarts #her parents for some reason insist on staying in Belfast #more than anything Wren wants her parents to see sense #that whatever academic or business pursuits they have aren't worth risking their lives every time they leave the house #and maybe convince the Ministry into relocating her parents to Hogsmeade #or at least somewhere nearby in Scotland where she can keep an eye on them #but her parents are as stubborn as a mule #and they don't write to her often #Wren has no choice but make do with the occasional letters from home #then go to bed every night riddled with anxiety #thinking whether her family made back home safely #😃

[bl00dsh0tc0r3]

#trauma #traumacore #childhood trauma #tw trauma #tw vent #vent #personal vent #childhood #actually traumatized #i woke up dizzy and confused #what happened and where did you go #come back #dont leave me alone #my edit

[vulpinesaint]

i don't talk about alucard castlevania very often because the last season of castlevania was so bad to me that i just don't engage with the show anymore like that but make no mistake. i have many thoughts and opinions on that man.

#first of which is they should have treated him better 😭 #like not out of a 'oh he's my favorite character he deserves everything' standpoint #he is and he does. but also What Was The Point Of All That 😭 like jesus christ!!!!! #castlevania writer voice what if we made him sit alone in his empty desecrated childhood home where he just killed his father #and then gave him some company. and then had that company gain his trust and sleep with him and then try to kill him During sex #and then he went insane! and killed a lot of people! #and then we fixed him by giving him a girlfriend :D #shut UP BRO SHUT UP #if you're gonna do all that. at least let him continue to be gay #not in a 'i don't believe he's bisexual' way but going 'yeah he has gay sex!' and then making the gay sex encounter end in gruesome murder #doesn't uh. doesn't really spell gay rights. can he have sex with a man in a way that ends with him not horribly traumatized #i don't like his relationship dynamic with that woman in the last season either but that's for different reasons. #i feel like he got steamrollered by her y'know :/ malewifed etc. etc. :/ #she was a fine character i just didn't like the two of them together #or how it was framed as like. y'know. alucard just needed to get bossed around. that'll give him purpose again. #hey what if. if he was gonna kiss someone about it. he did that with the people that he bonded with and trusts and knows. #just a thought. ANYWAY #valentine notes

[witchmd13]

Heyyy so i encountered or rather reencountered a Dutch song by comedian Claudia de Breij (went to a show of hers today! Was great) and it most of it made me think of jess? And his like father-y relationship with Luke?? If they were both less emotionally constipated, that is. I translated it, was wondering what you thought <3

Hide could also mean in this instance "take shelter"

And i dont know how accurate of an English sentence 'could i come to you' is, but its basically the same thing as 'could i come over [to Your house]'

When the war comes

And i have to hide

Could i come to you?

If there comes a club

That i dont (want to) belong to

Could i come to you?

If there comes a rule

That i cant fulfill

Could i come to you?

And if i have to be something,

That ive never been

Could i come to you?

(chorus)

Could i hide with you?

When i cant anywhere else

And if i have to cry

Will you dry my tears?

Cause if i could come to you

You can always come to me

Come whenever you want

Ill keep a room free for you

When the storm comes

And i am afraid

Could i come to you?

When the night falls

And its too dark for me

Could i come to you?

When the spring comes

And im in love

Could i come to you

If the love comes

And i know for sure

Could i come to you?

(chorus x2)

When the end comes

And i am afraid

Could i come to you?

(x2)

Reading this actually made me tear up. it fits them so well. I've been reading and re-reading the lyrics for the past 5 minutes and every time I get tears in my eyes.

thank you so much for sending this to me. Jess and Luke's relationship is very dear to me. it's one of the primary reasons why s3 is my favorite season. even at his most destructive, luke loved jess so much and jess did too, even if he didn't realize it until he grew up. like that scene when jess wouldn't comes back to stars hollow for liz's wedding but only agrees later because luke asks him to? and when jess almost freezes in his car because he's a stubborn idiot? and luke waits in his truck until he made sure jess got into the dinner safely? it makes me tear up every time. they're both too emotionally stunted but they care so much about each other.

"when the war comes, and I have to take shelter, could I come to you?"

"you're hoping for reciprocation? You got it. I'm here, Jess. I'm always here."

(I hope you had fun at the show btw! 💙)

#also they're so similar it's insane #i did a post on that once #one day i'm hoping to actually write down all the similarities between them as teenagers #from what luke says about his childhood it feels like they were the same person #off the top of my head #luke once tells lorelai “i spent a lot of afternoons where i was supposed to be at school here [the diner]” #and he also tells her about his high school “3 years of going there I have no good memories. None. Kids were as dumb then as they are now.” #like if that not the most jess thing to ever say i don't know what is #didn't mean to ramble so much but ugh they make me feel things #gilmore girls #luke and jess

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it #my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store #and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person #dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much #for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is #trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u #treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her #dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a #god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close #my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he #feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom #which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were #saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were #a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was #distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their #relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her #expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she #grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear #in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i #saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The #Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and #unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much #unrelated

[astranauticus]

ok i like rushed through the whole orv webtoon way too fast so now i have thoughts going in like 5 different directions but ep121-123 drive me so fucking insane actually. every time i think about those two conversations i have to sit down

#orv #orv liveblog #like i feel like depictions of childhood abuse in fiction tend to depiction the relationship as some version of #'the one evil violent parent and the one good parent trying their best (it wasnt good enough)' #see: the twins parents from lc s2 is the obvious one but also like #going back to my roots lol but enji and rei todoroki? or hell even fire lord ozai and ursa #yknow theres this idea of like theres the one who was trying! and the one who fucked it all up #well yeah rei's the one who scarred her sons face but thats so obviously framed as like a trauma response outside of her control #like its not something youre reeaally meant to blame her for yknow #the WHOLE idea with kim dokja's conversation with yoo sangah is whether he's supposed to blame/forgive lee sookyung #wait ok those conversations drive me so insane like im feeling the alevel literature urge to fuckin close read quotes #that one line where he thinks like this is the vilest form of violence he can use against sangah goes by SO fast but it hit me SO hard #the idea of asking her to put herself in this nightmare situation she has no frame of reference for understanding or empathising with #and then asking her as someone who she rly cares about! to be the judge in this situation she cannot possibly fully grasp #and all of that being framed as an act of violence towards her. like asking her to do this knowing she cant possibly do it #but also 'did you want me to seem pleased to see you' 'a little (lie)' and 'do you think of me as a mother' 'a little (lie)' #like the pretense of a normal relationship over the yeah we know our relationships fucked over the #unfortunately we still talk and think in the same way and we understand each other way too well #ok wait but circling back to the original point. i saw this fucking incredible fanart on twitter that sort of goes into the like #how do you?? handle?? not knowing if youre supposed to blame your parent for something that they did that hurt you #like its this little animation thing thats all in kdj's internal monologue except for one line where its him saying #'im terrible. i deserved what she did to me' #and its like. yeah that would be easier huh. like the self loathing is easier to handle than the confusion and cognitive dissonance #full disclosure i saw that fanart literally a year ago before i knew jack shit about orv and the sentiment hit me SO HARD i just #havent been able to stop thinking about it for a whole year. like as soon as i finished 123 i immediately went to look for it in my archive #i checked the artist has a tumblr but that art is not on it and it bugs me so much i want them to know that they somehow like #managed to make art so painful it defeated both my non-orv reading self and my lifelong severe memory problems #i mean in comparison that line (that also went by alarmingly fast) about how without twsa back then like kdj would not be here today #like not so much to dig into just. Yikes #and him telling ysa all of this with that fucking smile on his face like thats the part that really gets to me just his *fucking expression

[eatingsomegreeneggos]

Saw them on my TikTok for you page and had to stop whatever I was doing to make a quick drawing of them 💖

#I love theeeem #childhood icons AND gay icons?? #also I swear I made Bert yellow where did all the saturation go???? guess thats what I get for drawing with yellow filter on 😔✌ #but hey at least it protects my eyes! I'd say that's worth it #bert and ernie #what was their ship name?? #bertnie #??? #I'll get back to that #sesamestreet #fanart