#which I did not expect to be writing lol

[nevergeneralize]

“Nice try but I’m not adulting today”: the Millennials of Sk8

It’s really delightful to me that the grownups in Sk8 are recognizably millennials and I was really pleased by the way the show employs the visual hallmarks of my teen years to establish the flashbacks to the youth of the last generation. Feels like Officially becoming a Media Adult

Like obviously I am no longer the shonen target demo / main character being well out of my teens and that is not new, but I’ve been in a weird gap because Media Grownups have still seemingly been gen-Xers, aesthetically and values-wise (retro = the 80s, for seemingly forever), and that’s not me. But these Manic-Panic-haired Hot-Topic-shopping X-Games-watching sk8er bois absolutely are:

Kaoru was edgier in his youth than I would’ve dared in my own but I sure did have those bangs. Look at his eyeliner you could cut glass with those wings!!! He’s serving Avril Lavigne and I just know he’s got Death Cab or his local equivalent playing in his (wired, on-ear) headphones. This is ostensibly a school uniform but I wanted identical trendy skinny plaid pants so bad

Note the wallet chain and the aggressive side part which TikTok would have me believe is no longer cool?? This nice young man will go get a Godsmack shoulder tattoo at chef school and it will become part of his personal brand when he moves back to his hometown and decides to maintain a quirky high school hobby at great personal injury risk and what must be a disastrous sleep schedule situation. He’s somehow the best-adjusted man in all of shonen

And I know there’s not even a full generation between the two groups of main characters (as the show itself constantly jokes by way of Shadow’s objections to being called an old man) but they are separated by life-phase-dependent narrative trajectories: Reki and Langa and Miya are in coming of age (cough first love) stories, Kaoru is in a healing from old wounds story, Kojiro is a mentor figure (does he have character development or just a rockin bod?? Who’s to say) and Shadow is also mentor/supporter/team-mom. (Ainosuke is an important exception which I will discuss in a separate post; he’s in some ways belatedly coming of age.)

So the older group feels narratively/functionally like The Grownups but they are aesthetically My Peers. It’s kind of wild! “Feel old yet?” Yeah I do, finally, thanks! Congrats on graduating to anime adulthood my fellow millennials!

I’m sure there’s tons of other media where my generation is represented this way but this is the first one I’ve really noticed, maybe because it touches on a specific subculture that evokes my experience of youth, or maybe I don’t watch that many things set in the present anyway. Who knows. I think my particular delight in this experience also has to do with how Sk8 treats coolness and how the adults (at least The Founders) still get to have it. Maybe also the fact that the show’s characters get to be generationally differentiated but not at odds for that feels fresh to me; there are clearly marked aesthetic/narrative differences but they’re not hinging the conflict on the grownups being out of touch or the kids being immature. That feels a little bit utopian, actually, and opposed to a particular strain of discourse that paints Gen Z/The Youth as incomprehensible to the “olds” and separate from millennials, who should implicitly start to identify instead with more traditional values and attitudes, i.e. those of our parents. In fact I would argue that Sk8 actually models that identification with outdated parental values via Ainosuke and his family, and frames it as sad and toxic and villain-making, but we see a healthier alternative in the core squad, where Reki jokes about Shadow being an old man, and Joe and Cherry bemoan the kids joining vacation, but it’s lighthearted and we get to have fun joking about age/generational differences without it creating conflict! Found family/intergenerational dynamics without manufactured parent-child tension, except for fun at the beach! Neat! (Also the actual parent-child dynamics of Langa and his mom are pretty great)

So it’s cool to see my specific peer group’s aging represented without any suggestion that it should necessarily mean generational conflict or value-stagnation, or even uncoolness or the trope of inevitable adult boredom and the loss of youthful freedom and joy. We can have our own millennial culture AND separate adult narratives/problems AND solidarity with younger people AND empowered fully-realized maturing selves with fun hobbies! I can see myself in the Media Adults in a piece of media that’s got a pretty optimistic view of what adulthood means and I think that’s neat.

#sk8 the infinity #good luck with those student loans kaoru and kojiro #they’re just like me fr #meta #sk8 meta #which I did not expect to be writing lol #I’m joking about joe’s tattoo being a godsmack tattoo … or am i #i just thought of a whole bunch of stuff about skating as fandom what with tadashi and reki’s scene but #this post is long enough already #what have i wrought #i came here to bully joe and cherry for being stereotypes (out of aesthetic envy obvs) and now #here we are #hundreds of words of this #too many thoughts but head still empty #also thinking about miya and how gaining competency can be painful #this show has a lot going on for being a sports anime that disregards almost every fact about its sport and also physics

[thresholdbb]

what's the threshold theory

There was a post about how Tom is the only crew member who isn't really affected by the Borg, and there's a theory that he has so much luck because he saw the past and the future when he crossed the transwarp threshold. He saw the past and the future, all of time and space. There's some subconscious part of him that remembers that experience. In fact, Tom refused to play a part in Chakotay indulging Annorax's temporal incursions, probably because a part of him knew nothing good could come of it.

If we extend that same theory to Janeway, some of her wild luck with time travel and other crack plans starts to make sense. She doesn't verbally hate time travel until after the events of Threshold, since it happens in Time and Again without complaint. Janeway has an uncanny knack for time travel, as evidenced every time she deals with it. She hates time travel, but it might be because part of her knows exactly how to manipulate the timeline. She manages to avoid the "inevitable" temporal explosion in Future's End, saving both Voyager and Braxton. She resets the entire timeline in Year of Hell, and no one else followed her reasoning. She pulled it off flawlessly. In Relativity, she senses the incidents are all related, despite it being just one reading that connects them. By the time she's involved, she has a temporal incursion factor of .0036 and a time travel protocol named after her, even if that may just be Braxton's personal grudge. Then there's Endgame, where she intentionally changes the timeline. Up until this point, she has been dragged into time travel, but for the first time, she jumps in on purpose. How does Admiral Janeway know how to get them home sooner in a way that completely avoids the Temporal Integrity Commission? It's because she has seen all of time, and part of her knows exactly what needs to happen so she can get Voyager home and do it in a way that becomes baked into the prime timeline. Maybe she doesn't consciously remember what happened during her transformation, but the experience lives in her mind somewhere, guiding her decisions.

#every day is threshold day #tldr threshold cemented the time travel shenanigans #we're not counting her disparagement of time travel in relativity i know it's technically before threshold #but they've messed with the timeline so much that her past timeline is also changed. #Time travel is funny because the past is the future the future is the past #so while relativity comes before threshold in the prime timeline her timeline has also been changed in a way that it wasn't before threshol #we could chalk it up to a writing oversight but this is more interesting #not to mention her uncanny luck with the Borg which I think ties in as well #it's part of why her instinct is so strong #also the bio neural gel packs but that's a different theory #listen she's amazing with or without having seen all of time and space but she has seen all of time and that must have affected her somehow #those little salamander babies also have all of the cosmos in their mind #tried to explain as concisely as possible but it is part of my overarching theory #she doesn't second guess herself nearly as much following their jaunt into transwarp #I have more but I'm trying to be brief cause it's written up partially in my drafts somewhere and i have some things i need to do today lol #meta #Star Trek voyager #Kathryn janeway #threshold day #did you expect me thresholdbb to not have a serious threshold theory? #listen I can make anything nonsense and turn anything into a serious theory I was known for this kinda bs in grad school #I wrote a 25 page paper on NOTHING once #I wrote a paper about how corn fields were super gay and it made my professor cry I can spin the bullshit it is one of my skills

[batfossil-fr]

I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art

#my mental health is starting to improve a bit #took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me #ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while #like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit #so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected #diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier #i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome #just learning how to enjoy things again overall #one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post #and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on #even when I wasn’t actively practicing #just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles #i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors #i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao #i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again #for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments #i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all #that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully #starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing #so who knooowwwsss #rambles #funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL #i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first #anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over

[kaylazer]

back on my bullshit (meeting men im in love with). Ben Schwartz is so kind and tall :-) I didn’t totally freeze like when I met the Jonas brothers but the selfies we took are blurry so 😔

(at least I have these bc I told sam to record the whole thing heheheh)

#also the show was great #I had to slap sam many times bc she was choking from laughter #ben schwartz #bro how did i forget my personal tag for ben #ben schwartz my beloved #me #also forgot me tag #editing tags after the fact to recount the entire experience #so we waited outside for about 10 minutes and I had no expectation of how long it usually takes for him to come out and take pictures #he comes out without a mask which is surprising to me and says ‘you guys wanna take some pictures?’ #we all just kinda form a non sensical blob (there’s maybe like 10 ppl total) around him #Brandon Katie and Eugene hang back towards the stage door unsure if anyone wants to chat with them #I’m gushing over how tall and handsome Ben is to my sister who is ready to record our interaction once he gets to me #as I listen to him chatting with the other fans I can’t help but smile and say to my sibling ‘he’s so sweet’ every minute #he meets someone who has a cool sketchbook of the skits from the show that he wants to take a picture of #but they need to write their handle so he says he’ll talk with some others and get back to them #so he does and then later I see the girl ready to talk to him again off to the side #so I tell her ‘you can go ahead and finish talking to him”’ and she’s like ‘are you sure?’ and I’m like duh! #finally it’s my turn and he looks at me and says ‘hi I’m Ben’ #yes Benjamin Joseph Schwartz I know #he sees me holding my phone and immediately sides steps to get into selfie mode as I ask him if he’ll sign my Jean Ralphio figure #he steps back to Be in front of me ‘yes of course!’ #what insane media training he has #he says ‘I’ve seen this! this is the first one I’ve ever signed’ #upon seeing the figure he says ‘it’s beautiful’ lol #he’s concerned that the sharpie I brought will not show up and I mention that it was probably a bad one to bring because it’s pastel #he signs and holds it up (as you can see in the first photo) to make sure it’s visible #he hands it back to me and I thank him and he says ‘do you want to take a picture?’ #and I say ‘I would love to!’ and then I hold the Jean Ralphio figure and he looks to my sibling assuming she’s taking the picture #she’s like ‘no I’m just here for moral support!’

[rowanisawriter]

.

#i entered an excerpt of some shit i wrote last year to a literary mag #that was the first time i ever had anything original of mine read by someone other than me in like 20 years lol #i meant to do it as like a gesture to prove to myself that i can like submit something?? #and i did submit so it did work i proved it to myself ok move on #obviously i didn’t expect to win of course obviously #tell me why i feel crushed about it lol just found out this evening i didn’t make the finalists obviously i wasn’t expecting it but still #kind of disappointed #which is so cringe tbh i am cringing #someone submitting something for literally the first time expecting to get sone kind of recognition this is cringe beyond belief of me tbh #anyway #im writing a short story now and we’ll see where it goes and whatever but #writing anything original is so fucking hard and no one looks at it anyway #but still wanna do it idk whatever whatever #god #i just had to put this somewhere whatever it’s out ok now back to writing #delete later #idk whatever

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops. #and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can! #and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol #finn's ocs #finn's art #i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me #and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun #i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here: #barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past #he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it #he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned #which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them #they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore #but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird #and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place #though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library #and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together #since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door #eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement #barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time. #barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate #but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd #he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself #but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done. #and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies. #and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them) #and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances'' #from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov #sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3 #but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh

[saviourkingslut]

not to be about opera again but to be about opera again. as an art form it has the reputation of being super stuffy and something for snobs who don't know how to have fun only but honestly this was one of, perhaps even THE main theatrical entertainment for centuries. i wish people knew how hard these things can go and how engaging they can be. like characters kill and die and fight wars and (almost) commit human sacrifice left and right. characters fall in love they mourn they're ecstatic they cry they're furious it's an extremely dramatic and emotional art form! and i understand that opera does not appear approachable bc of the general conventions of the art form but i promise old works can be fun and engaging if you go watch them with some preparation beforehand (reading the libretto helps) - not to mention not all operas are old bc there are so many modern operas which engage with topical events! also the music slaps.

#le triomphe de trajan (1807) out here calling for a man's execution with this banger: #point de grace pour ce perfide; que tout sons sang coule sur un autel #(no grace for this treacherous man; let all his blood flow on an altar) #this is also annoying to me when people write historical fic and the characters treat the opera as this elitist thing #that they don't know anything about. #you know when they go to the opera reluctantly and then they have no idea what's going on on stage or who the composer is. #which is. very unlikely for anyone with the money to attend an opera in certain opera houses in the 19th c. tbqh #like im more of an expert on paris and vienna idk what it was like in london #but if you were decently (upper) middle class or nobility (esp in paris) you went regularly. this was like a whole social space too #i recently read a fanfic and one of the characters was like 'oh it's in italian. i don't know that' and the other character went like #'it's by a man called donizetti what did you expect' #(this was situated in 19th century london) #like first of all. donizetti was NOT a librettist he was a composer he did not write the text #and second of all. he worked on french operas ?? so did rossini. and spontini. #opera was an incredibly international art form. also bc productions would be performed in different countries all the time #(sometimes changed and/or translated but not necessarily) #and again like i said. this was one of THE main forms of entertainment. people were familiar with its conventions! it was well-liked! #ofc bc of the seating prices it was not very accessible to lower classes most of the time #but lbr most characters that get written into an opera scene in fiction are at the very least decently bourgeois lol #i wish people knew how to properly historicise forms of entertainment whose reputation has changed in the modern era #from what it was a century or more ago #very adjacent to people 'cancelling' old lit bc of 'bad takes' like idk how to tell you this but people thought different back then #completely different world view from what we have today. that does not make lit from that era irredeemable it is just from a diff. time #acknowledging that and reading the text critically but also still enjoying it are things that go tgt here #ok rant over (it is never over) #curry rambles

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

i wish there was a space for actual adults within this fandom. i guess i will have to create it, even if it's just me and other five people and a shoelace. i wonder how this whole thing is gonna develop!

#personal #the entire internet but also this fandom specifically is infested with ppl whose reading comprehension is lower than a 6th grader's #can't a gal enjoy a middle-aged actress without being pestered by toddlers with pitchforks #and i know i'm the pettiest bitch but i am ANNOYED esp when i see how old these ppl are. if you're over 25 you have no excuse daskjfhg #like i have cut my audience in half at least! if not more with this fic #but i'm happy bc i'm producing content i wanna produce #i wonder how my new fics are gonna be received #after i finish “particular” i have another thing coming up that ppl probs won't like lol #but i think it's important i post it #and then we have murder mysteries and gothic horror and wooooo you know #it's gonna be fun! and a bit disturbing! #wonder if imma be dragged on twitter again lol #but i sincerely hope no one will care lol #honestly i never expected ppl to care THAT much but i guess they did #it also annoys me that a concerningly small amount seems to care abt the actual quality of writing #and i'm over here agonising about Stylistic Choices(TM) lol #i feel like it flies over ppl's heads and they just wanna read abt larissa weems fucking them with a shapeshifted dick #which okay i guess but also what abt Literature #you could do smth creative with a shapeshifting character just saying. and include your magic cocks or whatever tf you're into #ah i am fuming in vain i will just write my lil fics and hope i don't get a new influx of kys messages lol

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

The Saint of Bright Doors

a surreal Sri Lankan fantasy about colonialism, revolution, mixing fantasy with the modern world

follows a man raised by his mother to kill his father, a god-like cult leader

but as an adult he puts aside his life of violence and moves to the city for a quiet life

he becomes fascinated with ‘bright doors’ around the city that never open and have no other side, and joins a group studying them to find out more

and a support group for those with divine heritage that becomes increasingly revolutionary, until the task he was made for reemerges and his life upends

#the Saint of Bright Doors #aroaessidhe 2024 reads #this is kind of hard to explain I dont know if I did a very good job here lol #it is weird and full of so many interesting elements. I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about it but?? I really liked it mostly??? #It starts pretty small scale focused on the MC & slowly unravels the wider worldbuilding and narrative elements in a really interesting way #The first chapter or two I assumed it was typical high fantasy but then it’s like. oh this is a modern city. with emails and stuff. #The pacing is a bit weird - it’s quite meandering and also pivots significantly in the second half. tbh I’m still ????? about the ending lm #but also I am happy to float through on vibes. #and there’s some elements (like the doors that become….not that relevant) that I want to know more about. (as an aside - I saw someone say #that it’s a very clear retelling about Buddha’s son? which idk enough about but probably could give a deeper context to a lot of it) #writing style is kinda detached from the MC but also there is a reason for this that makes sense with the twist near the end! #which is a kind of twist i LOVE. Maybe I wish it had been emphasised a bit more over the story though? unsure. #I thought his mother's story was interesting also - you think she's an terrible parent just there for background context at the start but #then when she tells her story it's like ohh there's more context here. #also I hesitate to just say ‘if you like the spear cuts-- you should read this’ because I think the elements that are similar are done in a #kinda different way and might disappoint you if you’re expecting it to be the same as spear….but regardless the sort of dreamy writing #rich world; narrative with fantasy but also modern day elements; some of the writing style; mlm MC (tho not a romance) #idk. it will definitely not work for everyone but I enjoyed it overall #also it is full of queerness #bisexual books

[poirot]

guys guys guys!!! I got the grade for my bachelor’s thesis today and it’s really really good and I’m just so happy that I’ll never have to write anything for university ever again 😭

#I'M SO HAPPY YOU HAVE NO IDEA #all the stress of the past years just fell off of me lol #I liked studying #I really did #....buuuut it was also the worst thing ever LOL #and i'm very happy that I'm done #OFFICIALLY DONE #I'M NEVER WRITING A THESIS IN MY LIFE AGAIN #and like I wasn't really afraid that I would fail the bachelor's thesis #but you know #there is always a little fear ahgdsja #anyways I got a 1.1 #and 1.0 is the best #so it's REALLY good #which I did not expect #I'm really glad that philosophy professors are so nice agdhsja #shut up sabrina

[nothinggold13]

Finally finished Supernatural for the first time ever. I would like to thank the pie my sister bought me from the Farmer's Market for getting me through that fever dream of a finale.

#supernatural #as most fans do: I have a love/hate relationship with this show #absolutely horrid ending lol they did not need to write it that way #surprisingly good plotlines in the later seasons which I didn't expect to enjoy #and (of course) an absolutely gorgeous foundation at the start #if you need me I will be finishing my pie and crying to carry on wayward son

[syncrovoid-presents]

I will continue being gone for a few days, sadly my original al plan of releasing the newest chapter of The Consequence Of Imagination's Fear has also been delayed. My apologies

Can't go into detail because its hush hush not-legally-mentionable stuff but today is my fifth 12 hour no-break work day. I'm also packing to move too in a fortnight (which is a Big Yahoo!! Yippee!! I'll finally have access to a kitchen!! And no more mold others keep growing!!! So exciting!!!)

#syncrovoid.txt #delete later #OKAY SO! this makes it sound like i have a super important job but really we are understaffed and ive barely worked there a year now #graduated college a few years early 'cause i finished high school early (kinda? it's complicated) #now i am in a position where i am in the role of a whole Quality Assurance team (testing and write ups) #a Task Manager/Planner #Software Developer and maybe engineer? not sure the differences. lots of planning and programming and debugging ect ect #plus managing the coworker that messed up and doing his stuff because it just isnt good enough. which i WILL put in my end day notes #our team is like 4 people lol. we severely need more because rhe art department has like 10 people?? #crunch time is.. so rough.. #its weirdddddd thinking about this job since its like i did a speedrun into a high expectations job BUT in my defense i was hired before #i graduated. and like SURE my graduating class had literally 3 people so like there was a 86%-ish drop out rate?? #did a four year course in 2 BY ACCIDENT!! i picked it on a whim. but haha i was picked to give advice and a breakdown on the course so it #could be reworked into a 3 year course (with teachers that dont tell you to learn everything yourself) so that was neat #im rambling again but i have silly little guy privileges and a whole lot of thoughts haha #anywho i am SO hyped to move!! I'll finally get away from the creepy guy upstairs (i could rant for days about him but he is 0/10 the worst) #it will be so cool having access to a kitchen!! and literally anything more than 1 singular room #(it isnt as bad as it sounds i just have a weird life. many strange happenings and phenomenons) #<- fun fact about me! because why not? no one knows where i came from and i dont 100% know if my birthday is my birthday #i just kinda. exist. @:P #i mean technically i was found somewhere and donated to some folks (they called some different people and whoever got there first got me) #but still i think it is very silly! i have no ties to a past not my lived one! i exist as a singularity! #anywho dont think about it too hard like i guess technically ive been orphaned like twice but shhhhhhhh #wow. i am so sleep deprived. i am so so sorry to anyone who may read this #i promise im normal #@:|

[kuiinncedes]

akjsndglidfligauhglsighoiurdfhg

#one final left 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 #i am procrastinating studying #my motivation to study is nonexistent atp lmfao #which is bad that this class is last #bc idk anything in this class #😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 #and the slides aren't great and there's not a great straightforward way to study in my brain rn #i need to write down some stuff i can do #i i have like a lil les than 14 hours 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 #why was this class so bad for me it wasn't even like that bad like the prof wasn't horrible #just not for me ig 💀💀💀 i just could not pay attention to him everything he said went right in and out thru my ears no comprehension #hm so how do i reread all the chapters or something in like < 10 hours or smth lmfao #also what do i even mean reread as if i read them all the first time slkjnfgdfigbpiurghpqireughdjfhsglfgjhaldkjfh #my last two finals were ok like ........ on par for what i expect lmfao and i think i did as well as i was gonna do on them #but this one #it's fucking unfortunate timing that it's last and day after another final bc i would rly appreciate a lot more time to study for this one #and i cant manage time so i haven't rly started studying for it lmfao why would i study before the day before 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 #anyway whatever #my chinese song playlist hitting hard rn it's so good and so nice to listen to while studying bc i dont get too distracted lol #and the songs are so GOOD i've been bonding more w my roommate over it XD #i think it's kinda funny how my music this week is gonna be so different than normal lol on airbuds since it does weekly music stats #out of nowhere just only lindsey stirIing and chinese songs lol #and then mxmt/oon in btwn there bc she also chiller music #jeanne talks

[theloveinc]

Ok at this point like . How are we feeling about other people adding shit onto your posts?

#LMFAO NOT A VAGUE NOT HOSTILE #my therapist just keeps telling me to remove ‘but’ from my vocabulary so I can acknowledge when things are hurtful but may be unreasonable #to be upset about #but I’m just wondering bc I stopped doing that when it seemed like people got a little miffed about permission and asking and first and stuf #but now I feel like we’re doing it again #and idk how to feel #adding our own thoughts I mean #esp when the person doesn’t follow me and I really like their writing and wish they did #they followed me on ihb like two days before I switched blogs #and just didn’t ever follow me here #which I’m not expecting ofc no one has to follow anyone #but recently I’ve felt a little like :( bc I feel kinda disconnected from other writers #and have lost some other moots I liked too and idk why #idk and it’s a ME problem to be sensitive #but it’s on my mind (and it’s on my mind? idk) #anyway lol #just a lil ranty rant #caitie blabs

[g0tmilkx3]

Idk why ppl think the writers of the bear are dumb and don’t have a storyboard but these writers are fucking fantastic and I trust them to give us an amazing szn 3 shipping aside they always give us the best writing and god the directing is otherworldly they need to be paid™️ their worth bc I wouldn’t survive a pushback or worse a cancellation 🧿

#yes we all hate how Claire was written BUT hear me out #Claire is supposed to be surface and plain #she’s supposed to easily lift out of the story #they’re using her to show us how carmy literally cannot handle a relationship at allll #him popping off at syd when she let the fishes die is a prime example #side note: they need to stop letting them men yell at my girl like that and talk crazy to her #I need the upmost respect in szn 3 #anyways back to my point #yeah this isn’t a fanfic and it won’t pan out like one at all so give that dream up #I’m not saying that to say there would be no romance I’m saying that to say it’s not gonna be linear #if sydcarmy does happen which I think it will in one way shape or form #I think they’ll write their relationship very languid #I think it’d be one of those things that we don’t expect until it happens #but ya the writers are brilliant and I need y’all to study film or something so it’s easier to understand shows like this #bc so much is said in frames and music #wide shots and closeups too #every detail means something and it’s meticulous #uncle jimmy gave us an entire run down of what would happen with carmy and Claire in his baseball story #did we just ignore that lol

[pepprs]

ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.

#purrs #delete later #idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every #single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional #needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t #those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t #this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone #but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o #course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and #i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved #mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or #whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a #week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be #writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all #the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality #is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents. #and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments #where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them #comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so #painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i #haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that #kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im #crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i #missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever. #and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read #the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are #closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom #to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess. #also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and #that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk