#wolverine warbles
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Listening to Noah Kahan while having a conversation about how none of your friends can afford to live in your hometown anymore is not a pleasant experience. Like. We are talking shrimp colored emotions. A sort of melancholy rage. Evil nostalgia. Who the hell is moving into this far northern city who can afford this? Its not like this is a desirable place to live, there's nothing to do but work and get clinical grade seasonal depression and maybe mauled by a bear. I couldn't afford to live in the house I grew up in. And I am currently better off than my parents were at my age, if you're looking at the numbers.
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Haunting
prompt idea from @zillychu, set in the same universe as the rest of the Ghost Speak series (as in, Ryan Finn is here).
...
“Thanks for coming all the way out here, Ryan. I know it’s a long trip.”
“You kidding? A chance to see my buddy Edward, investigate some ghosts with him, and cap off the day with Eddy treating me to a basket of fries? I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Ryan Finn answered, one fry between each finger of his right hand in a sort of Wolverine parody. Edward Lancer would say he looked a bit wired from the 9-hour drive, but Ryan always looked like that.
“Still,” Lancer responded, though he didn’t feel all that bad about calling Ryan out here. He traced the rim of a heady glass of beer with his right index finger. Bass music wubbed from the speakers overhead, and in the dim light of the grill it built a small cocoon around Lancer and Ryan. It kept their conversation private.
Lancer sipped his beer, and he was not usually a drinker, but these things on his mind lately had him on edge. And they were so much more potent now that he’d dragged Ryan along to witness it, now that he had another person who had seen it and made it real.
Ryan jammed his arsenal of french-fries into his mouth. Lancer took another sip.
“So what do you think?”
“Hmm?”
“About Danny?”
“Ah, yep, I mean he’s definitely doing that.”
‘That’…was a way to phrase it, Lancer supposed. He’d taken Ryan back to Casper High, room 209, about half an hour after sunset. Lancer had wiled away many a sunset seated at his desk there, grading papers while the sun stole away from the sky. He wasn’t sure if it would happen, this time. If maybe it was a phenomenon only he could witness. But after 10 minutes of standing in silence, darkness cut only by a desk lamp, they’d seen it.
A shimmer. Glowing eyes. A warble cutting air not unlike the bass pumping overhead. It left a shape like an oil stain on space and time, and its eyes found them, and watched, and then shorted away. Gone. It took only another 7 minutes for the thing to reappear, farther back in the classroom, facing the opposite way. A warbling stain, here, eyes, up, staring, gone with a noise that left Lancer’s ears ringing just faintly.
“Am I haunted, Ryan?”
“Oh yeah, definitely. Well you or the room. You say it only happens in the room? Then the room, and you too probably, together.”
The confirmation sat heavy in Lancer’s gut. It left him feeling unsettled in a way that all the ghost activity of Amity hadn’t managed to plant in him.
“…So do you know how to make it stop?”
Ryan blinked, momentarily taken aback. “Well, yeah I do but—” He planted a hand firmly on the table and leaned heavily over it, elbow twisting out at an odd angle as he interrogated Lancer with his eyes, “do you really want it to stop?”
It was Lancer’s turn to falter. “I’m haunted, Ryan. Of course I want it to stop. That’s bad, isn’t it?”
“Only if you think it is.”
“It’s… not bad?”
“Well it can be bad. If the ghost haunting you is bad. Which this ghost—”
“—is not. It’s Danny.”
“It sure is.”
“So why is it happening?” Lancer pressed.
Ryan laughed. “Because he’s comfortable with you.”
Lancer seemed to miss a beat. His eyes shot a little wider. The silence settled between them. Ryan shoved another fistful of fries into his mouth and spoke through his chewing.
“I mean, he’s gotta feel comfortable around you, if he’s haunting you—your classroom—whatever all the same.”
“But why is he doing it?”
“Oh he probably doesn’t know.”
“So it’s not intentional?”
“Nah.”
“And he doesn’t realize he’s doing it?”
“You could ask him, but I’m guessing no.”
“So then… why?”
“Oh hard question, Edward. I mean, why do cats stare at you all soft and squinty when they’re comfortable? Why do rats do that bobble-bobble thing with their eyes?”
“This feels different, Ryan.”
“Trust me it’s very similar.”
Lancer ruminated on his glass for a moment. “Is this normal?”
“Oh, very.”
“And it’s not dangerous?”
“Nah.”
“Usually when you hear about a haunting, it’s dangerous.”
“Usually when you hear about a ghost, that’s dangerous. Do you think Danny’s dangerous?”
“No.”
“Well there you go. Harmless ghost. Harmless haunting.”
Lancer thought about this. “Okay, okay so just—hypothetically—you said you know how to make it stop? How would that work?”
“Oh, simple,” Ryan said. “Make Danny not feel comfortable around you anymore.” He picked up some more fries in his greasy grip. “You could get mean with him, fail him, stop getting his ghost papers translated, stop giving him leeway with the ghost stuff, and bam! I bet this would stop.”
“You don’t think I’d do that, do you, Ryan?”
“It’d break my heart if you did. I’d never speak to you again. I’d disown you and adopt Danny.”
“He has parents.”
“And they’re hunting him. He needs someone in his court.” Ryan crammed the rest of the fries in his mouth and swallowed. “Unfortunately I live 9 hours away. I hear you’re much closer.”
Lancer nodded, and he nodded harder, finding the tightness in his chest easing.
…
5:30pm came sooner than Lancer could have expected. The sun had vanished about an hour ago, sweeping away in a wash of pale pinks and deep reds. Lancer sat alone, halfway through a stack of English tests, desk lamp buzzing faintly at his side.
He heard it before he saw it—the wub of wobbling air. Then the oil stain followed, a shivering shimmering something which spilled into the air, and dropped the temperature a few degrees.
Lancer looked up. The thing’s glowing green spherical eyes looked back at him, mop of pure black hair providing the faintest of silhouettes to the thing’s shape.
Lancer offered it a little wave.
And it vanished.
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Everyone Leaves, Ch. 4: Virgil
Colorized version of Wolf-in-front-of-Moon, Clément Bucco-Lechat CC 3.0
Prev - Virgil - Next - All - [ AO3 ] - Playlist
Virgil appears and demands to know what Remus has done to Logan. He finds Logan happily sleeping, sprawled over Remus' lap. And a frighteningly happy Remus.
CW: intrusive thoughts, wolf bite, blood, swearing, unreality
A continuation of @lost-in-thought-20's incredible story for the @tsspromptmonth 🌸 Spring Cleaning 🌸 event.
---
The door rattled in its frame, chunks of cement from the walls clattering to the floor in a dusty avalanche. “Remus!”
BANG BANG BANG BANG
The wolves whimper in the corner. There’s only one Side his wolves fear.
“Open the fucking door, Remus!” Virgil’s tempest voice shakes his bones but he ignores it. Virgil was all talk. He’s the one who should be afraid. “What’d you do? Impersonate him? Got him tied up in there?”
“Oooo, kinky!” Remus cackles as he waves the door open. “And keep your voice down, Emo,” Logan slept better with the sound of his voice. “The nerd’s finally asleep.” He stares into Virgil’s shadowed eyes, the black smeared with tear tracks. Logan's presence brought company but it also brought light. Dim, but enough to relish in the fear in Virgil's eyes. “Wake him and I’ll spend every night for the next year camped out in your little brain while you try to sleep.”
“Do your worst!” Virgil’s posture stays strong but there’s a warble in his voice and Remus knows his point was made. Anxiety knows better than to take his threats as mere words. “Just put Logan back to normal! Release him from whatever you did and let him go! We need him! Thomas is in a fucking police station getting fingerprinted right now.”
Remus sucks on the tip of his middle finger. “Hmmm… yummy. I always wanted to know what that ink tasted like. Sticky, bitter, kinda like—”
“Shut up!” The tempest voice shakes through his bones and Remus shivers, staring back with green glowing eyes. Virgil takes a deep breath to calm himself. It doesn’t work. “Look, you can have whatever you want, Remus, just let him go so he can fix this!”
“But this is what I want. Right here, in my arms, in my room.” He smiles, mouth stretched wide enough to touch his ears. If he stretched enough, he could even drop his jaw just like Janus used to when he asked.
Back when Janus stayed. Back when Janus gave a fuck.
Virgil’s steps falter and the wolves slink out from under his bed. “See? Even they’re not afraid of you anymore,” Remus reaches out to pet the closest wolf and its ears flatten against the top of its head and it sinks its fangs into his hand.
Remus smiled as he tore his hand from the beast’s mouth. It was then that Logan woke. “Remus?” He blinked, staring into Remus’ eyes.
“Logan, you’re alright!” Virgil dropped to his knees and reached for him. “We need you, we—” The wolves snarled the moment Virgil’s hand grazed Logan’s and he drew back.
Save for a single glance, Logan ignores Virgil and sits up facing Remus. “You are injured,” he frowns and holds out his hand. A large red box appears before him and he opens the case to reveal a perfectly organized first aid kit. He takes out supplies and begins flushing Remus’ wound with sterile saline. Like tears. Remus hissed under his breath, the water sharp and biting the wound.
“Logan? Wha—How did you do that? Only Remus can conjure in his room.”
“Falsehood,” he said without looking up from his ministrations. "I obviously just did and I am not Remus.” Wound irrigated, Logan began blotting his skin with a soft cloth, pristine white and clean like his room had never seen before. He worked silently for a moment, those laser sharp eyes staring at the puncture wounds on Remus’ hand like he fucking dared them to start seeping blood again.
“I will bandage your wound now,” he said, raising his eyes up. Logan looked at him with a softness Remus hadn’t seen since… Fuck Janus. He nodded.
“Do whatcha gotta do, Nerdy Wolverine,” he grinned, a little too widely. What was the worst that could happen? The bite was already starting to burn and throb. Logan’s nursing would only help, even if it hurt like hell while he did it. “I won’t fight you.”
“Yeah, right,” Virgil scoffed. “Be careful, Logan. I’m pretty sure I still have Remus’ teeth marks from that time I tried to get a chunk of glass outta—”
“I will be careful, Remus.” Logan didn’t get that Virgil was warning the nerd against what he would do and just trained those eyes on him, holding still with Remus’ hand twitching in his palm. “Tell me if the bandage grows uncomfortable and I will adjust it.”
Remus nodded, mouth hanging open but nothing would come out. The only other person who could shut him up was Dee and that was with his powers. Even Virgil finally shut up and just watched, all tense and coiled like he expected Remus to attack their resident logician.
After his wounds were hidden under layers of gauze and those little pads you get at the hospital, Logan pressed down on each of his nail beds, Remus watched, too, as tannish pink went white and then quickly returned. “I believe this dressing adequate now. I will need to change your bandage in a few hours to guard against infection.” The nerd looked up and actually smiled. “How does it feel, Remus?”
The wolf who’d bitten him slunk out from the shadows, head hanging low and her tail between her legs. She lay down in front of Logan, whining quietly. “Better, Lo.”
“That is a relief,” Logan murmured and laid one hand on the wolf’s head, instantly turning off that high-pitched whine.
“Okay, so you fixed the nightmare’s hand.” Virgil jumped to his feet and opened the door, eyeing the wolf like it had grown tentacles. That’s an idea. Would they be slimy like her insides, intestines flopping through her pelt and hanging to the floor? Or would they match her fur, like boneless prehensile tails sprouting from her back. With teeth.
Virgil was still at the door, reaching for Logan’s hand. “Come fix this mess with the cops! You belong up there with us.”
Logan stared between them and they all stared up at him, watching the cogs in his brain whir as he tried to decide. Even the wolf knew what was what and she slid her muzzle off his lap and stood between him and Remus.
Remus reaches for Logan. He is not going to let him leave, too. He can do what he should’ve done with Virgil. What he should’ve done with Janus. As soon as he gets close to the wolf, she lets out a low growl and clamps down on his hand, teeth piercing the skin like it’s paper. His blood drips to the floor and Logan’s shadow gets longer as he follows Virgil out to the hallway and—
“I am not leaving.” Logan’s sharp voice popped the vision and Remus stared. The wolf was still curled on his lap, tail swish-swish-swishing against the cracked cement. “Nothing has changed. If I am to return, you must listen to me.” She whined again and Logan nodded, scritching her around the ears like he was a fucking puppy. “And you must listen to Remus. Not…” he raised his other hand, silencing Virgil’s protest faster than Janus ever could. “Not to do everything he says, but to listen. He is half of Thomas’ creativity. Some of his ideas are worth exploring.”
“You’ve fucking lost it, Logan! First Nico and now this?” Virgil shoved both hands in his hoodie pockets. “Fine. We’ll figure it out without you,” he muttered and backed away out of the room.
“If you choose not to see reason, then that is your best course of action,” Logan replied calmly, fingers buried in the wolf’s fur. It looked soft like that, plush and comforting like one of Pattycake’s stuffies. The door slammed and Remus looked up. He hadn’t even seen the Emo leave.
“If you choose not to see reason, then that is your best course of action,” Logan replied calmly, fingers buried in the wolf’s fur. It looked soft like that, plush and comforting like one of Pattycake’s stuffies. The door slammed and Remus looked up. He hadn’t even seen the Emo leave.
#Everyone Leaves#ts remus#ts janus#ts roman#ts logan#ts virgil#ts patton#sanders sides fic#tss promptmonth spring cleaning event#by lost-in-thought-20 and edupunkn00b
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Are Wolves The Reason Caribou Are Dwindling?
The province of British Columbia, Canada, is currently culling wolves as an attempt to save caribou populations, but are we putting the blame in the wrong direction?
While announcing that they are saving caribou, governments fund programs where wolves are culled (often by being shot from a helicopter).
It is not without it’s criticism, however.
"Contractors hired by the B.C. government are shooting wolves from helicopters this winter, part of a five-year plan to protect endangered caribou that was approved by the province despite its own public consultation that showed a majority of residents are against the hunt."
B.C. wolf hunt resumes despite public opposition – Globe and Mail
In a wolf pack, only the mother and father breed (the rest are their children), and normally 4-6 pups are born in a litter once a year. Once the children wolves are old enough, they set off on their own to find their own mates to start their own packs with.
According to the British Columbia government, at least 37% of the South Peace caribou herd deaths are a result from wolves. They also point out that Grey wolves are not an endangered or threatened species, and that their numbers are raising each year.
"Mountain Caribou are at risk of extinction. 98% of the global population of caribou lives in B.C. The current population is about 1,500, in 15 separate herds throughout B.C."
BC Fact Sheet
So, are they to blame for the drop in caribou? Perhaps partly, but they are likely not entirely to blame.
In the winter or in high predator environments, caribou mostly eat lichen. One problem with this food source is logging. Some studies are showing that lichen is typically only found treed areas that are at least 63 years old, which means that it will take at least that long for tree-planting programs to be effective. Other studies suggest that the timeline is closer to around 80 years.
As well as that, it is common practice to spray glyphosate onto forests to remove competition for logging trees, and that spray is shown to kill many types of lichen.
"A study published in May found that over the last five years, the British Columbia government has permitted more than 900 sq km of land to be logged, despite the forests being listed as critical caribou habitat. In the last year, 314 logging cut-blocks have been approved in areas where the caribou are most vulnerable."
The Guardian (2020)
Changes in climate also changes caribou migration patterns, as well as birth rates. Caribou decide when to leave and how quickly based on ground conditions, and insects often help encourage that movement.
"Insects are relentless pests during summer in the Arctic. Caribou spend a great deal of energy searching for relief from the mosquitos, botflies, and warble flies that plague them. To avoid the insects, caribou move en masse to higher ground or closer to the coast, or they wander in search of snow patches where there are fewer insects. All of that avoidance means much less eating."
NPS
If the insects harass them too much and they do not eat enough, that can lead to a drastic decline in numbers. As well as that, if the weather warms consistently, green growth may out compete the lichen caribou eat.
Then, of course, there is human encroachment. As humans continue to spread out into the wilderness, animals are displaced.
Lastly, it is also worth pointing out that in a study, bears, cougars, and wolverines, were found to be more deadly to caribou than wolves, but wolves always receive all the blame.
With all these combined, it is likely a cumulative effect impacting caribou populations. This includes climate/weather, logging, glyphosate, urban spread, and more.
#caribou#wolves#wolf#nature#NatureScience#nature facts#naturescience#nature science#naturefacts#environment#enviromental#ecology#ecosystem#ecofriendly#outdoors#forests
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Essential Avengers: Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars #1-3
May, 1984
THE WAR BEGINS
Oof, here we go.
Just gotta replicate the pace that let me do the Hawkeye miniseries in one go, three times in a row.
This is probably too much effort considering its Secret Wars (or more accurately Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars) and maybe there’s not going to be a lot of big changes from this in the Avengers book to really justify it.
But we’re getting Jim Shooter writing the Avengers and his non-consecutive runs were a lot better than I had remembered. And it continues the theme he had from the Avengers book.
It just makes sense in a nonsense way to cover this story.
Last relevant time in Avengers! Acting Completely Normal Vision warned the Avengers about some weird, possibly hostile energy surges right in time for an energy surge to surge energetically in Central Park.
When the Avengers went to investigate, they found a weird structure that looked like a techy coliseum maybe. When some of the Avengers wandered into it (apparently the most bankable Avengers? Sucks to be Vision and Wanda, shrug) they vanished.
In the next issue, after several days, these heroes returned, speaking of a secret war they fought. Weird stuff like She-Hulk taking the Thing’s place on the Fantastic Four happened. In other books, Spidey got a cool new suit.
Would you know more?
After being raptured in their various books, the missing superheroes all end up on one of those distinctive structures like the one that appeared in Central Park, except IN SPACE.
Its cool that the Avengers will have some company.
We’ve got a terrific 3/4ths of the Fantastic Four, the X-Men (including Lockheed but not including Kitty Pryde for some reason), the Avengers, Iron Man, Spider-Man, the totally Articulate Hulk, and hilariously Magneto is also here.
Maybe Secret Wars is just setting up the most awkward moment in the universe, as a prank show.
I think I’d enjoy a big event that turned out to be a prank show at the last minute. The fan discontent. Imagine.
Everyone introduces themselves to each other but mostly the audience and Ben Grimm claims his new codename as the Easter Bunny.
Checking, marvel wiki doesn’t have Easter Bunny listed as one of Ben’s known aliases. Cowards.
Looking up into space, Captain America spots another one of the totally cool constructs and Professor X scans that it contains EEEEEEEVIL.
Specifically Amora the Enchantress, Ultron, the Wrecking Crew, the Absorbing Man, the Lizard, VICTOR VON DOOOOOM, Kang the Conqueror, Doctor Octopus, and Molecule Man. Also, hilariously, Galactus is there.
I’m more convinced than ever that this is a prank show.
You know what would be more hilarious? If Punisher ended up on this construct.
The distribution of villains is kind of odd though. Galactus and Doctor Doom map to the FF. Doctor Octopus and the Lizard to Spider-Man. Ultron, Molecule Man, and Kang are Avengers foes. The Absorbing Man and the Wrecking Crew can go a couple ways but started off as Thor villains. And Amora is usually a Thor villain but supposedly has chilled out around this time or at least is less of a pain than her horny sister.
No X-Men villains. Because Magneto is chilling with them in the generally heroic pod.
Also, all the heroes were raptured from Earth while the villains were grabbed from Earth, from space, from Asgard, resurrected just to be here, or from the FUTURE.
I know marketing is wagging the dog but be consistent, secret organizer who we don’t know yet.
The Thing points out that Magnet is off-sides, re: being in the hero construct, and Magneto is like ‘hey, chill out dudes’ and denies specifically doing murders.
Magneto: “I know not what power transported me here from my secret lair, nor why I was placed among you -- but I find it more appropriate to ask why such as you were judged fit to be placed in my presence!”
Oof.
Burn.
Then the conversation is put on halt on account of the wildest shit any of them have ever seen.
An entire galaxy vanishes but probably not due to a wave of anti-matter.
Thor: “It’s gone! Gone -- ! Swept away like dust before some unseen, giant hand!”
And then around that last star left unswept, various chunks merge together to form some sort of world, perhaps for battle.
A nice touch for later is that you can definitely see that one of the chunks is a stray chunk of city.
Some of the villains start squabbling because close quarters, ego, etc.
But Ultron goes hey we’re allowed to fight? I’m the best at that.
Ultron: “I am Ultron! I do not understand the events transpiring! I do not understand how I came to be resurrected... nor how I came to be here! Nothing computes... Insignificant! I am Ultron! My purpose is to slay that which lives. You are all living things, ergo -- Ultron must destroy you!”
With the benefit of having read all the Avengers up to now, I feel that Ultron got up on the wrong side of the resurrection a little.
He’s not not like this but he’s not usually this turned on?
(Then again, maybe he just came back cranky)
DOOM grabs and shakes Molecule Man to do something about this because given enough time even the mighty DOOM might fall before Ultron.
Ultron is famously annoying to defeat, what with that adamantium.
But Molecule Man is in therapy after the Avengers kicked his shit and Tigra yelled at him for being a punk. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
So Doom with all his brilliant genius tells MM a cool way to help out that won’t hurt anyone. Directly.
Using his Molecule Man power over molecules to lightly toss Ultron into Galactus.
So that Galactus goes ‘who the fuck scuffed my boots’ and rips out all the energy in Ultron’s Ultron.
He can do that.
Why wouldn’t he? If he can do that to a planet, he can do it to a pissbaby robot. Even one apparently containing more power than an atom bomb.
Then, because this is one of those plots where things are always thenning, a rift opens in the nothingness of space and a heavenly esque light shines out. A warbly voice commands the action figures beat each other up.
I mean. Its more like
The Beyonder: “I am from beyond! Slay your enemies and all you desire shall be yours! Nothing you dream of is impossible for me to accomplish!”
But you have to admire that this toy commercial of a comic book is being honest and upfront about being a story where action figures bonk off of each other.
Galactus just hears ‘i can finally shake off these persistent forever munchies’ and flies off to demand prepayment for action figure bonking, with DOOM following behind him.
The Beyonder speaks up warning Galactus that hey, personal space. And that a guy that can effortlessly wipe out a galaxy is gonna have a sweet barrier but Galactus wants the hunger pangs gone and does not listen.
DOOM recognizes a bad idea when he sees one once in a while and hangs back but still gets blown out of space by the force of Galactus bonking off the Beyonder’s barriers.
Captain America: “They were swatted back like flies!”
Professor X: “To the Beyonder, even Galactus is less than a fly, Captain!”
Interruption dealt with, the Beyonder gets the show on the road and sends the two constructs to different parts of the patchwork planet.
The Marvel Super Heroes And Magneto land on some hill and quickly make sure that there are no villains excepting Magneto around.
With Magneto around, the non-X-Men raise an objection to Magneto being around.
He sank a Russian submarine with all hands back in X-Men #150 but he insists that it was self-defense and also they started it.
The X-Men’s position is ‘hey he’s a jerk but he’s our jerk plus we could use his help? The bad guys get GALACTUS, how is that fair?’
Well, they don’t say it but they’re probably thinking it.
And Hawkeye decides to be a little racist today.
Hawkeye: “You mutants stick together, huh? Well, sticking to a blood-soaked maniac like him doesn’t speak well of you, pal!”
Dude, Clint. Your dear old friend is Wanda.
Wait, why ISN’T Wanda here? Did the toy people really not want her? Fools. Her husband is toyetic as all get out.
Also, point of order, Wolverine? If anyone qualifies as ‘hey he’s a jerk but he’s our jerk!’ here its you.
Johnny “good life choices” Storm decides he’ll just kick Magneto’s ass and end the debate but yeah. Yeah, no. Magneto makes a fool of him.
And then Magneto decides eff this noise and flies off.
With Magneto alienated (good job, guys), Professor X decides this group needs some dang leadership and throws a nomination to Reed Richards. Reed defers since he’s thinking of Sue, left at home and not able to participate in the event.
Wasp, the cool leader of the Avengers, nominates instead Captain America.
Wasp: “We’re off in a strange land, up to our ears in a little secret war that may decide the fate of the universe! Some people don’t know me well! They might have doubts... and there’s no room for that!”
I’m baffled that there’s people here who don’t know Wasp who has been heroing since the 60s but sure. Cap(tain America) probably gets more crossovers and whatever.
I mean, heck, we’re talking a group of heroes consisting of the Avengers (who she already leads), the Fantastic Three (who she’s well acquainted with), and the X-Men (who I’m sure she’s met, although awkwardly its going to later be revealed that Wasp is in the Hellfire Club, but only the sex parts).
And I guess Wolverine’s extensive backstory with Cap doesn’t exist yet because Wolverine isn’t keen on him being the leader, describing him as the least of the assembled heroes. When Hawkeye is right there!
I kid because I love.
Meanwhile, DOOM wakes up adjacent to Galactus ankle and heads to a nearby fortress which he correctly assumes is where the villains have ended up.
Wait, the heroes get beamed down to a random hill while the villains get sent to an advanced fortress with weaponry and we later learn vehicles sold separately?
Kinda stacking the deck, the Beyonder.
You gave the villains GALACTUS and A FORTRESS PLAYSET right out of the gate.
The other villains tell Doom that they’ve (mostly) decided that he should be their leader. But Doom has bigger fish to fry than the prizes that the Beyonder is offering.
In typical Doomesque fashion, he wants the whole kettle. But the other villains what with their petty concerns think he’s too afraid to fight.
So he ditches.
He goes to steal-borrow a spaceship and even though he hates the thought, takes off to go talk to Richards. And then Kang shoots him out of the sky with a GIANT GUN THAT THE VILLAIN FORTRESS ALSO HAS? to stop him from allying with the heroes.
Said (marvel super) heroes see the distant explosion and fly as a group in the most hilarious way possible to check it out.
God, I have always loved this image. Its squished down into the bottom third of the page but its a delight.
They find Doom sprawled in the crash site, rambling that he’ll only speak to RICHARRRRRDS and about the Beyonder’s power. But Cap offends Doom mightily but offering him a hand up and because Doom sees pity in Cap and RICHARRRRRRDS eyes.
So he blasts the heroes and fucks off.
How very Bakugou of him.
And right as the heroes recover from that, a bunch of villains arrive to get this secret war started.
I have a fondness for this particular issue. For a long while, issue 1 was the only issue of Secret Wars I could find. So I just had the start of this story with all these non-Spider-Man non-X-Men heroes I barely knew cliffhangering into an attack by villains I really didn’t recognize except for Doc Ock and the Lizard.
It was a window into another side of the Marvel Universe. And for child me, this first issue worked perfectly to intrigue me. All these characters, the very straightforward conflict, all the complications that immediately pop up like Magneto, Galactus, and Doom. Alas, small child resources.
June, 1984
PRISONERS of War!
The heroes react slowly to the sudden villain attack but thankfully, the villains aren’t working together well. Unthankfully, half of the heroes were already knocked out by the first attack.
Meanwhile, over at Doctor Doom’s side of the plot, he flies back over to where Galactus just in time to see him finally rouse from being slapped down by the Beyonder.
Galactus floats to his feet and wanders off.
Doom: “He ignored me! As though I were a gnat buzzing at his feet! And so I am... Just as all of us, even Galactus himself, are but insects to the all-powerful Beyonder! Thus, the others have chosen to play the Beyonder’s simple game -- thereby, in effect, paying homage to him. Should I, too, pay homage? Should I worship at the feet of this god-like being -- or chose another path... one only Doom would dare!”
I think anyone that knows Doom knows which option he’s gonna choose.
He heads back to the villain fortress and finds Ultron’s deactivated body and decides Doom can use this.
Meanwhile, back at the first secret battle of the secret war, the heroes rally and start fighting back under Cap(tain America)’s leadership.
She-Hulk even gets a designated girl fight with the only female villain on the villain team.
I’d complain, I would. But at least She-Hulk isn’t the only heroine on the hero side.
She-Hulk: “Hiya! I’m the She-Hulk! You must be the Enchantress! Gee, I’ve heard so much about you -- ! You’re a not-nice lady!”
Enchantress: “A green woman? Is there no end to the varieties of mortals?”
The Enchantress magic slaps She-Hulk away and comments that she could crush She-Hulk physically but its beneath her.
Yeah, all Asgardians have some level of super strength, that’s right. Even the squishy wizards.
But all She-Hulk heard was, ‘someone I can really punch!’
She-Hulk: “I don’t often duke it out with someone solid enough to really unload on -- and slow enough to let me! Oh, wow! That was, like tubular, you know -- to the max!”
Uh. Jen, are you okay? Did you have a stroke? You don’t usually talk so much in Mario World secret world levels.
I think maybe Jim Shooter didn’t have a good grasp on her. I don’t think he’s ever written for her. And the other heroes mostly don’t vary too much from generic hero speaking patterns. Add some smart for smart characters, add some rude to Wolverine, and so on.
The battle wraps up with Kang, the Enchantress, and the Wrecking Crew captured and the rest of the villains fleeing when the battle didn’t go their way.
Cap sends Storm off to scout for a cool playset that they can use as shelter and she does so, noting that the winds on Battleworld are super easy to control. Like Battleworld was created to create ideal fighting conditions for everyone. Pretty neat, the Beyonder.
Storm finds a particularly rad fortress (”Bigger than fifty-four and a half Pentagons, I’d estimate!” Wow!) and the heroes move in.
I unironically enjoy how toyetic this story is with the fortresses and the vehicles and the weapons. Because I’m almost positive that Mattel barely capitalized on it.
There were only two playsets. Pitiful.
Over in their new headquarters, Reed stashes the captured villains in some form of psychostasis which “works by controlling aggression through brainwave modulation!”
He also sticks Enchantress in a healing pod to address that nasty case of being She-Hulked right in the face. Nothing will salve her ego though.
Captain America: “It’s no wonder that the name Mister Fantastic is renowned for compassion as well as courage! You give added meaning to the word hero, Richards!”
Whenever someone loudly announces that Reed is super compassionate, it makes me feel like they’re overcompensating.
Nobody ever makes note of, say, Captain America’s compassion.
With the prisoners (of war? Is that the whole reason for the title?) accommodated, Cap calls everyone for a meeting in a cool meeting dome he found which has a small waterfall for aesthetic and so everyone has to yell to be heard.
Wolverine yells that they should mop up the rest of the villains and get this over with.
Not mentioning that in order to “win it” they’d have to kill the villains, which none of the heroes have shown any interest in doing so far.
Cap(tain America) replies that A) planet big and they have no idea where the villains got to. And B) the remaining villains slash antagonists are Galactus, Doctor Doom, Molecule Man, Doctor Octopus, the Wrecker, the Absorbing Man, and Magneto. Not really people you mop up.
In a fun logistics bit, Cap sends out a patrol to make sure the area is secure but he also sends out two additional groups to find if there are any places in this fortress they can sleep and whether there's any... food.
Makes me imagine a Secret Survival War where the sides have to wrestle over limited resources.
Hours later, the villains that escaped the fracas arrive back at their fortress.
I’m sort of confused here.
Maybe it took so long because they had to make sure they weren’t followed. Or maybe because they didn’t have the sweet tripod vehicle anymore. But think about the flow of events of: everyone beamed down to Battleworld > Doom ditches the villains and gets shot down > heroes investigate and Doom ditches > villains show up for cliffhanger fight.
The villain fortress should be pretty close to where that fight took place. And then the heroes find a nearby fortress of their own so their fortress should be pretty close to the villain fortress. Maybe not in the same neighborhood but surely the same zip code.
Anyway, they find that while they were gone, Doom swanned in and renamed the place the Doombase.
If they have problems with it, they can talk to his Ultron.
Which I’m surprised he didn’t rename Doomtron.
Doom also tells them that he’s in charge now.
Absorbing Man: “Aw! Who gives a hoot! I need a meal an’ sleep! You wanna be in charge, Doom? Okay by me!”
If you think about it, this is just some steps added what the villains wanted all along.
They wanted Doom to be their leader but he told them he had bigger fish to fry and fucked off. Now he’s fucked back on and told them all that he’s their leader. They initially object before reconsidering due to Doomtron but, yeah, its all gone full circle.
Doom is a lot more cordial to Molecule Man though.
Doom: “Molecule Man... uh, Mr. Reece, I believe it is? I trust you were not inconvenienced.”
Molecule Man: “Well, being absolute master of molecules I can just assimilate molecules when I want, so I never have to be hungry, and I can just shoo away dirt molecules, so I’m always nice and clean -- but I am tired!”
Doom: “I have prepared a special chamber for you! I hope you like it!”
Molecule Man: “If not, I can always reconstruct the molecules -- !”
Heh.
Nice to see Jim Shooter able to follow up on the trajectory he sent Molecule Man on.
The rest of the villains head off but Doctor Octopus, the only other brain cell in this group, hangs back to talk to DOOM.
He wants to know what he plans to do about Galactus and then shows Doom on the biggest screen TV that Galactus is standing on a mountain glowing with an awesome power.
Doom just retorts that his plans are for his forces to triumph.
Doctor Octopus: Something tells me he’s got ambitions that dwarf merely triumphing in the Beyonder’s little contest! The question is whether he will destroy us in trying to achieve them -- or immediately after fulfilling them?!
Like I said, the only other brain cell in this group.
Meanwhile, while Magneto secretly sneaks into the hero fortress for Reasons, the heroes have a quiet moment that lets this Secret Wars biz really sink in.
Wasp: “I’d be having tea in my studio now, Jenny... And lunch on my patio tomorrow... This... um... situation we’re in... is kind of... much, you know? I feel there’s just a little thin wall inside me holding back a flood of despair!”
Its a nice touch, if intentional, that Wasp only admits this kind of thing now that she’s passed off the leadership responsibilities to Captain America. Its been a recurring character beat that she’s been keeping these sorts of worries to herself as chairwoman.
Over in another part of the fortress, Cyclops complains that he was right in the middle of his dang honeymoon when he was yanked into this event.
Cyclops: “I don’t know about you, Richards, but more than angry or afraid, I feel cheated! I -- I was on the verge of real happiness...”
Oof. This really sets the tone for his marriage with Madelyne Pryor.
Spider-Man and the Human Torch even have a little conversation.
Spider-Man: “You mean it doesn’t shake you, Torch, being here? What if we don’t get home?”
Human Torch: “The Fantastic Four have been off on space missions a couple of times, Spider-Man! We’ll get back! Believe me!”
I like when they’re friends.
So, I’m not sure what Magneto’s plan actually was. He was going to sabotage the fortress’ fusion generator as a distraction but Spider-Man’s Spider-Sense Spider-Alerts him to shenanigans afoot and he runs off to the power plant while Johnny Storm goes to get the other heroes.
Magneto decides to abandon whatever his plan was and captures Wasp as a consolation prize.
Gasp, another prisoner of war!
The Thing tries to give chase but inexplicably turns back to normal, smooth skinned Ben Grimm.
Also, Magneto escapes with the Wasp.
It’s like the aardvark says, you can get what you want and still not be happy.
Captain Marvel is holding the randomly anti-mutant ball for Hawkeye here and comments that none of the X-Men showed up to help stop Magneto.
Cap(tain America) tells her to belay that.
Captain America: “Let’s keep our minds on solving problems, not creating more!”
And they can’t even go after Magneto or rescue the Wasp right now because they have bigger problems: Galactus glowing with an awesome power and a massive storm that’s forming on Battleworld.
July, 1984
TEMPEST WITHOUT, CRISIS WITHIN!
The Beyonder has thrown in a nice stage hazard to keep things fresh in the form of a massive storm raging on Battleworld, with lighting that shatters mountains and winds that could tear someone’s limbs clean off.
Or perhaps its the unintentional result of just slapping a planet together out of random stuff you have lying around. The climate must be shot to shit.
I like it either way. Secret Wars has a lot of very toyetic collisions between groups of characters so its nice when Battleworld itself manages to be an obstacle.
Over in his giant U-shaped fortress, Magneto finally unwraps Wasp from the ball of random metal crap he has her in.
He lets her wander around until she finds him so that he can be all casual and eating a space scone.
Magneto: “Do not bother trying to attack me, my dear! My person is magnetically shielded!”
Wasp: “Well, la-de-da!”
Wasp: -blows up his space scone- “You think I have to strike at you directly to hurt you, monster?”
Hilarious spite, thy name is Janet van Dyne.
She also makes the point that magnetic shielding or no, she could bring this whole room down. Her being able to knock over a small house with her pew pew hasn’t stopped being true.
Magneto hastens to ask her not to do that because neither of them want to be out in the storm outside.
Besides, he just wants to talk! And flirt!
Magneto: “You are obviously a woman of intelligence and understanding as well as great beauty -- and I am not the monster you believe I am -- which is precisely what I wish to discuss!”
Wasp: “Oh? My intelligence, understanding and beauty or your non-monsterhood?”
Magneto: “Why... both!”
Back at the hero base (which is apparently ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF CHICAGO?? I want that playset), the storm has almost completely flooded the area, leaving just the top dome and such poking above the water.
The storm keeps dropping chunks of mountain at the base but Thor is standing on top, protecting it while grinning like a loon.
Captain Marvel even speculates that Thor could calm the storm but is whipping it up into a greater frenzy instead. Those storm gods, amirite?
Hawkeye is also standing by, with his explosive arrow, thinking to himself that if Thor fails, Hawkeye will totally save the day.
I don’t know whether that’s sad or endearing.
Mostly though he’s trying to distract himself from thinking about the new wife he left behind.
Cap, Reed, and Hulk are watching the villain base because apparently they do know where it is. The storm is keeping the villains in too but Cap figures they’ll pull one desperate attack as soon as the storm breaks.
They’ve already lost four of their dudes. Plus, Galactus isn’t a team player.
Spider-Man is just swinging around, enjoying how good for swinging the random technological pipes and tubes and whatsits are when he stumbles upon the X-Men having a secret meeting.
Professor X has decided, possibly on the basis of two (2) rude comments from Hawkeye and Captain Marvel, that the X-Men just don’t belong here and that they’d be better off going and teaming up with Magneto.
This... sure is a take.
Rogue comments that the Avengers don’t trust her because of that time she kicked their asses collectively. Which, hey, very possibly. They haven’t really had a thing to say about you though. They’ve mostly been grouchy about Magneto.
Which is kinda born out by the way he tried to blow up their base and definitely kidnapped the Wasp?? And is even now aggressively eating scones at her?
That’s the Magneto you guys want to go join because he’s more your people than the Fantastic Avengers and friends are?
You know, there’s a pattern I sometimes see with the X-Men where they loudly insist that the other superheroes don’t help them and don’t care about mutant stuff while at the same time doing shit like this.
“Should we get Reed Richards, smartest dick in the world to help with the legacy virus or the techno-organic virus Stryfe shot into Xavier? NAHHHH Beast can handle it.”
“Should we stick with the other superheroes or go hang with Magneto instead in a cool mutants only U-shaped fortress? Well, U is the coolest letter that isn’t X...”
If you squint, you can definitely see Krakoa all the way in the future.
Anyway, Spider-Man overheard all of this and goes ‘I’M TELLING!’
Wolverine tries to tell him that snitches get stitches but the thing is?
Spider-Man is ridiculous. He’s a ridiculously good combination of skills and powers which lets him make chumps out of entire groups at a time.
He’s embarrassed the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, and now he’s about to embarrass the X-Men.
After making them all feel foolish, Spider-Man gets away and goes to tell Reed what that doody-head Xavier said when Xavier uses his psychic powers to just wipe the entire encounter out of Spider-Man’s memory.
Yeah, it’s to cover their imminent blowing off but also? I don’t think he wants anyone else to find out how badly his X-Men just got stomped.
Psychics are too OP, I tell you what.
In fairness IN FAIRNESS, the X-Men kind of have the right to fuck right off if they wish. I don’t even know what it had to be in secret. In fact, doing it in secret is a massive dick move of its own for reasons.
What would the Fantastic Avengers have done if the X-Men had just said ‘hey we’re heading out’? Would they have put them in stasis tube jail? I doubt it.
Professor X made the decision to handle this the stupidest way for whatever reason. That scamp.
Speaking of Magneto, he’s over at the U-Lair turning down a partnership offer from DOOM. So, hey, he has standards.
Wasp has become less ‘i’ll blow up this room and your breakfast’ about him over the course of whatever the hell they discussed in their offscreen chat.
Magneto even starts to make out with her and Wasp is like ehhhhhhhhhh what the fuck why not.
Why is this happening?
I guess he has a...................... magnetic personality?
Eh? Eh??
No, but seriously, I do have a theory that I heard someplace but it’ll have to wait.
What’s weird is that there’s a Marvel What If about some spinoff babies that come about if the heroes and villains got stuck on Battleworld and never managed to leave.
Wasp has a son with Human Torch. Which is pretty weird and comes from nowhere. I guess a lot can happen during a massive time skip. My point being though, its weird that they didn’t have a Wasp/Magneto baby instead given the weird chemistry they have here.
Meanwhile, over at DOOMBASE, DOOM has some women in giant tubes.
That’s So Doom.
Doctor Doom: “All is ready -- ! This alien technology, so rich, so subtle... so easily harnessed to serve my purpose... Energy, tapped from the raging tempest... And two mortal subjects who dare to gamble for power -- knowing that to lose is death, for truly, here I shall test the limits of power a human body can contain! With the throwing of a switch... so -- the die is cast! Hear me -- ! Power must be seized -- ! Crave it! Welcome it! Drink it in, despite the pain... or it will destroy you.”
And thus are Volcana and Titania created!
Talk about lasting effects of Secret Wars! Titania is going to be around forever! Mostly annoying She-Hulk!
Where did Doom find two random women to give superpowers?
Denver, Colorado.
No, seriously.
That city chunk we saw as Battleworld formed? That’s Denver, Colorado, USA, EARTH.
Why isn’t there a miniseries or one-shot about a normal ass civilian from Denver having to deal with OH MY GOD WHERE DID EARTH GO?
I actually read an interesting thing re: this scene. It exists because Mattel asked Marvel to introduce some new female characters so Shooter wrote in these two and a third who I’ll get to when I do.
Mattel then promptly used none of these characters for the associated toyline.
The toyline, in fact, used none female characters at all. It made toys of characters who weren’t in the story but did not have a single female character.
So its very weird that they asked Marvel to introduce some but I’m not going to knock the results.
Doom introduces these two new characters to the other villains.
Hilariously, Absorbing Man guesses that Doctor Doom just made women from scratch. Because doesn’t it sound like something he could do?
Volcana and Molecule Man immediately hit it off, her being attracted to his sensitivity and him being attracted to... positive attention at all, I guess?
He muses that he could easily stop the storm outside, because molecules, but his therapist told him to let nature take its course. “Unless Doom asks me to!”
And Titania and Absorbing Man. They don’t hit it off. She either wants to hit him or hit that and its not clear and it might be both.
(Spoilers: Its both)
Titania: “You! Absorbing Man! You look like the toughest man here! Get up!”
Absorbing Man: “Whatcha got in mind?”
Titania: “I’m going to do anything I want to you! Everything I always wanted to do to everybody who used to be bigger and stronger than me! Maybe I’ll just play with you... or maybe I’ll make you eat dirt... or maybe...”
Absorbing Man: “Woman, if you got somethin’ to prove, prove it tomorrow against the guys we’re fightin’!”
Titania: “You’re backing down?”
Absorbing Man: “Nope! I just ain’t getting up! I got nothin’ to prove... to a dame!”
Would you believe that they become one of the healthiest and most stable romantic relationships in Marvel?
Speaking of weird relationships, back over at hero base, Thor goes and pops the lid on Enchanteress’ healing tube because he’s bored and wants to talk to a peer. A god peer.
Enchantress is at first more characteristically worried about what her face looks like after being She-Hulked.
But she then creates a portal so she and Thor can go have a chat.
Later, it’s morning and Hulk has been too busy stressing over losing his Banner smarts to actually keep watch or wake up Cap for watch like he was supposed to.
So when the villains ram an airship into the hero base, the heroes are not at all prepared.
Titania hurls a giant slab of wall through the room the Terrific Three are sharing, breaking Johnny Torch’s arm and ribs and knocking out the other two. He manages to get himself and co out of danger by melting through the floor.
Meanwhile, She-Hulk is carrying a big heavy as she’s been doing since the previous night and is caught unaware by Volcana who blasts her off her feet and then collapses the room on top of her.
Doctor Octopus knocks out Captain Marvel who is in the hot springs dome but gets chased away by Hawkeye, claiming that long-range firepower is his weakness.
I’m stunned at the implication that Doc Ock is one of Spider-Man’s most dangerous foes but could be scared off by Hawkeye while Spider-Man could pretty easily drop Clint’s ass. There’s some rock-paper-scissors nonsense at play here.
Spider-Man and Iron Man are also taken unawares by Ultron but manage to hide under some rubble.
Hulk leaps into the fray at Molecule Man and Doom but Cap convinces him to fall back to a defensible position.
The villains reconvene with all the captured villains freed except Enchantress (since she fucked off to have a chat with Thor) and the heroes scattered and buried under various rubbles. How the fortunes of Secret War turn.
Sure would have been nice if the X-Men had been around to help or if they mentioned they wouldn’t be. Sure would have been.
Doom: “We have accomplished much here today! And to finish it, we shall level this place so that no stone remains on stone!”
No wonder Mattel didn’t make a playset of this base! Dammit Doom, you’re ruining the merchandising!
Follow @essential-avengers for more of Secret Wars! At this same pace! Its sustainable! This is fine! Like and reblog too!
#Avengers#Secret Wars#Essential Avengers#essential marvel liveblogging#Captain America#Captain Marvel#Monica Rambeau#Hawkeye#Iron Man#james rhodes#She Hulk#Thor#the Wasp#X Men#Colossus#Cyclops#Nightcrawler#Professor X#Rogue#Storm#Wolverine#Fantastic Four#Mr Fantastic#Human Torch#the Thing#Hulk#Spider Man#Magneto#VICTOR VON DOOM#some villains
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I love this place
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I will not dox my neighbour and post pictures of his house because I am not an asshole, but he just put an addition on his already batshit insane house and I am dying to share.
He lives in a 1950 PanAm passenger plane. I have no fucking clue how he got it here, because we're nowhere near a runway and it still has its wings and its landing gear. The living space is a solid 15 feet off the ground and he has one of those old school staircase vans as his front step. I would assume its not terribly different from living in a trailer or other mobile home, but its way better insulated because its a plane.
Anyway, he just finished a glassed in porch that comes out of the pilots side of the cockpit and its so cool. This isn't some gimmicky airbnb, this is his house and the commitment to the bit is legendary.
His greenhouse is a fire engine.
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if any body else ever learns how to edit a PDF or use excel im out of a job. that is the only thing i do here. then again, given the likelyhood that someone will actually figure out how to edit a PDF, im pretty sure im set for life.
now if you'll excuse me, im off to go explain the concept of an external harddrive. again.
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My brothers girlfriend learned some things about our family this Christmas holiday and AFAIK shes still here so good for her.
So she got screwed over by her boss and it lead to her resignation. And while there is some expected level of sympathy in that situation, my family will go full fucking mercenary at the slightest opportunity. So she shows up anticipating, idk, commiseration about shitty employers, and in the 24 hours since she quit, we have done a full background check on the guy, pulled him up on Courtview and LinkedIn and are investigating the dissolution of all 3 of his marriages. I'm putting all of his academic publications through a plagiarism checker and mom has not only a directory of active lawyers in town, but also a list of attorneys who owe her favors specifically.
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I went to Hawaii. I went diving. It's the end of surf season and not quite dive season but this was a last minute family trip so its not as if I planned this. My standards for "decent dive conditions" are "water deep enough to get my head under that won't immediately kill me". So I was diving.
I found a phone at the bottom of the ocean, just below a surf break. Its pink. Its a iPhone. It's in a case. The case flooded, but Apple is a bitch who won't let anyone fix their precious hardware so the entire motherboard is sealed in resin. It's fully waterproof.
The phone takes a charge. My husband and I fly home, with the phone. The phone powers on. Estimated time at the bottom based on condition of the case : at least a month or 2.
My apple user husbandpulls emergency contact info off the phone. Number is disconnected. Commence the Facebook stalk. We find the guy. He hasn't posted in years. Good for him but frustrating. We find his sister from his page, who hasn't posted since last year. But on her page, she has a link to the health clinic she runs. The clinic has a phone number.
We leave one of the weirder voice-mails that clinic has ever received and prepare to wait 2 to 10 business days for a reply. We get a call back within the hour. She's on the wrong island but shes fairly certain we've found the right guy. She passes on our info to her brother and an hour or so later we get a call from him.
It's his wife's phone. She dropped it off a stand up paddle board while taking pictures of nephew learning to surf. There was also a loyalty card punchcard thing to an ice cream shop in the case, which we did find, but it was a wet paper pulp so it got tossed with the flooded case. Evidently she was more concerned with getting that back that the phone, which she had already replaced, since she had dropped it a full 5 months ago.
So anyway, we got a shipping address and we're mailing a miraculously not bricked phone from Alaska back to Hawaii. This is a new personal record for recovery diving.
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now that I have blasted through reading the entire Dungeon Meshi manga in 2 days, let's have a role call
Laios: codependent autistic sibling relationship, gotta go save Falin. horny for monsters. it's not a sex thing, it would be less weird if it was a sex thing. he's on a watch list. he's on several watchlists.
Marcielle: codependent homoerotic relationship, gotta go save Falin. that part is easy. that makes sense. the dynamic with Laios on the other hand is so convoluted and nuanced and straight-up weird that i will be thinking about it for the rest of my life.
Senshi: was just. there. has someone to cook for now. the dude was content being a cabbage farmer and cleaning bathrooms. like. guess it's time to instill some healthy eating habits in strangers.
Chilchack: the least hinged of any of them and lbr that's an achievement. hinged passing. this man was paid upfront to do a job and BY FUCKING GOD is he gonna deliver. you wanna march down to the threshold of hell and fight some ancient god and an insane wizard, committing magical taboos the whole way, while eating what exactly? it's a job, he signed a contract, let's go. there is NO WAY ON EARTH he was getting paid enough for the absolute catastrophe this expedition turned out to be. straight savage with the one-line roast. everyone thinks he's twelve because of the baby face and I can relate so hard. work-life separation fanatic, he'll straight up die for his coworkers but his personal life is so far off-limits that he doesn't bring up the fact he has a wife and 3 grown children until fucking cannibalism is on the table and then he must be faced with the destruction of the universe before he considers introducing them. chip on his shoulder the size of the moon. I think this adventuring party thing may actually be his mid-life crisis. HE HAS A FISCALY RESPONSIBLE RETIREMENT PLAN IN PLACE. on top of everything else, he's somehow the union rep for adventure halflings. like. sir.
Izutsumi: that unexpected stray cat in the house and now you own a cat. she's not chipped. There's a dead mouse on your pillow.
Falin: there is a fridge joke in there. it's not even subtle.
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In honor of the moose/Iditarod rule 34 chaos post reaching 1000 notes and then Dallas Seavy winning the Iditarod here are all the unhinged stories and things I know about that race
They changed the rules and schedules so you can't do this anymore, but there was a subset of mushers who would race the Yukon Quest and the Iditarod back to back. That's a 1000-mile race followed by another 1000-mile race through some of the harshest terrain on earth in late winter. And the Yukon quest doesn't even finish where the Iditarod starts. To do this required putting dogs in a plane OR having another team of dogs waiting in anchorage and someone to deal with both teams of dogs.
The first woman to win the Iditarod was Libby Riddles in 1985.
Only to have her finish promptly blown out of the water by Susan Butcher who won the race in 86', 87', 88', and 90' while setting speed records the whole way.
Susan did race in 85' but she ran into a moose early and it killed two of her dogs and hurt the rest so she scratched. Dallas got lucky this year.
She was also the first person to mush a dog team up to the summit of Denali, the tallest mountain in North America. This is not what dog teams are intended to do, I don't know why she even wanted to, other than to prove it was possible. I don't think anyone has since.
The race now requires GPS trackers on all the racers and you would not believe the bitchfit everyone threw over those. Mushers can either hop between checkpoints or camp on the trail and it may surprise you to learn that these are the kind of people who have secret camp spots in the woods that they don't want anyone to know about. So now, everyone has acquiesced to the tracker requirement but you must have an account on the race website if you want to see them.
The race has 2 paths that alternate even and odd years with different checkpoints but every year includes a section of race that crosses the sea ice, approximately 50 miles from Shaktoolik to Koyuk. so forget landmarks. point the sled north and hope you're going the right way.
the race is in honor of the 1925 Serum Run and the diphtheria outbreak, but the trail itself is the old freight route which is almost twice the length. also, it's a freight route for hauling freight which means the the racers are going at more or less lightspeed as compared to the intended use.
the most effective way to avoid frostbite on your face is a fur hood and duct tape on your cheeks and nose. Cold-related injuries are rare but far from unheard of. The average number of toes and fingertips among mushers is lower than that of the general population.
The finish line is a massive burled arch in the middle of main street in Nome. There is not a lot going on in Nome at any given time and this time of year is the exception. Every racer who finishes the race gets the same reception, which is everyone in town crowding into the finish chute to cheer them on and the city fire siren going off. The last racer in gets the Red Lantern Award which means that they finished dead last but didn't scratch.
the 2020 race had started and was fully underway when the pandemic lockdowns came into place. as far as social distancing goes, you really can't do much better than being isolated 100 miles into the middle of frozen nowhere but the checkpoints are itty bitty villages with no medical infrastructure and the finish was reportedly terrifying because instead of a crowd to cheer at the burled arch, it was just the siren going off in a ghost town.
there is no way I can tell this story that doesn't sound like I'm making it up as I go. The sign says no sniveling and they fucking mean it.
no really, click that link. here's the YouTube vid (non-graphic, after-the-fact interviews)
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there's that thing where if you put a number in a story your audience will immediately latch onto that number like a starving pitbull and try to extrapolate more info out of it than you intended. which is exactly what happened with the character ages in Dungeon Meshi.
but
the number pendant disease got me and I was thinking. if you correct for racial age disparity and general life experience there are some very funny conclusions to reach.
Namely, that Senshi is the youngest one there. he's the equivalent of a 20-year-old kid who only looks like a full-fledged adult because he's got a full beard and trauma.
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there is no handicraft that will have you screaming TRUST THE PROCESS like tanning hides. remember that pristine ice-white snowshoe hare pelt that went in the salt bath? yea. now it looks like what dog groomers clean out of the drain.
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this is driving me nuts and I need people to use words correctly so here we go
FERAL = previously domesticated and now living without human interaction (includes all "wild" horses, ponies, pigeons, dogs, and cats)
DOMESTICATED = minimum five thousand year process of commensalism with humanity. no fucking shortcuts.
TAME = a wild or feral individual animal that has been habituated to human interaction. cases vary wildly.
Personally, I stand by the fact that wild animals are NOT unpredictable, they have lots of very distinct warning signs and communications that are ignored by dipshits who want to believe they're Snow White. An animal that adheres to a very rational paradigm of food, shelter, and safety will continue to follow that rationale even when confronted with some biped's fervent belief that the animal in question is a toy.
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So my cousin came out as trans about a year ago and this thanksgiving was the first time she had seen most of her family. I haven't seen her in a decade and my last mental image of her is a emo teenage boy obsessed with screamo bands.
Now what's weird is, between the second puberty and reinventing herself as an adult, spending time with her feels like I'm talking to the exact same teenager, complete with the screamo band fixation, but this time girl version. She's 30 with a wife and 2 kids but also experiencing female familial companionship for the first time ever so we're sitting on the back porch drinking and talking about periods and pushup bras and regional differences in expected gender presentation and it feels like I'm talking with my cool teenage cousin. It's like time warping.
So her Dad, my Uncle, is a fairly conservative Texan stereotype with 2 first names. He's adjusting, slowly, but there is progress being made.
And here's another fun aspect. He loves to hunt. But he's in Texas.
I'm not going to make any sweeping statements about the culture or logistics of hunting in Texas versus hunting in Alaska but suffice to say those are two wildly different things. Almost all land in Texas is private with the exception of some islands along the Gulf coast and national parks, so he's talking about guided hunts and deer leases and hunting ranches where everything is raised. Which is insane to me because less than one percent of Alaska is held privately.
So he turns green with envy whenever we start chatting about hunting because this tiny little woman is living out his manly man last frontier fantasy.
So between me and my cousin, we're just prying this poor man's narrow view of gender roles open with a crowbar. Her whole "asserting of gender at a family function" could have been a major upheaval but because of All Of The Everything happening simultaneously with Thanksgiving tacked on as an afterthought, it became just one more thing to deal with. There was simply not the available bandwidth to toss a fit about gender revelations.
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