anti-endo-safe-space - Tumblr blog

anti-endo-safe-space · 6 days

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I have a VERY strong dislike towards endos, and in my online life I've only ever met one endo who is actually nice, they only self identify as an endo because they don't remember their trauma and are afraid of faking self diagnosed did or OSDD, which is understandable. we still talk to this day since they understand and respect my boundaries aside from asking endos not to interact, and it's someone I can talk to on the other side to get a better understanding of why endos think the way they do.

but now I'm hearing that during their therapy sessions they are starting to remember their trauma and their therapist thinks that aside from the lack of remembering any trauma, that they show nearly textbook perfect symptoms of OSDD, so they might be joining our side of the fence soon.

I only bring this up because I'm curious what other people's opinions are on this, to this day I don't understand why they went with self diagnosing as endo just because of not remembering trauma.

We get everything you mean, we've met someone who said they felt they were DID but didn't want to self-diagnose so they called themselves an ambiguous system (a subcategory under endo).

A lot are scared to not self diagnose because a lot of diagnosed systems will start harassing and calling anyone who self diagnosis several SEVERAL horrific names.

We saw a post of a diagnosed system going after a self-diagnosed and was calling them abelist slurs just because they self-diagnosed after YEARS (6) researching and realizing they fit especially as some of the headmates starting to talk to them that they had trauma.

A decent amount of endos don't realize they have trauma but a lot of others also just want to claim it so they can rp blorbos

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anti-endo-safe-space · 7 days

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Part of what took so long was traveling and exploring the area but we're back home again so we're full blown back again!

Hey folks! Feel free to keep interacting but we're boarding a flight soon and won't be back online here for a few hours. Personal is still open because we have it signed into our app

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anti-endo-safe-space · 7 days

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ngl the pure CONCEPT of endogenic systems is actively offensive

Agreed anon, highly highly agree

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anti-endo-safe-space · 7 days

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kinda unrelated to endo discourse, depends on how you see it.

When I& was younger I always tried to see the best in people, and wanted to be like other people etc etc., and considering what I've& gone through etc., and what we have

it's just always kinda funny to me how like. how I "turned out" for lack of better words. and now I'm always on the fence about everything and honestly I'm just so out of it

and I don't have the energy anymore

I'm pro whatever you want me to be, and I'll just as quickly be anti anything you want me to be if you give enough reason.

and I think I really really hate myself for it, how vulnerable that makes me&.

-💜🩰

That's completely understandable, that doesn't make you bad or anything it's understandable.

Sometimes all you need is an explanation that's good and truthful to make that kind of decision

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anti-endo-safe-space · 13 days

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are we the only ones EXTREMELY confused by “Endogenic Alters”???

Like- correct us if we’re wrong, but that’s doesn’t feel very….

Basically it's supposedly just an alter that didn't form from trauma which-

A lot of us just formed from extreme stress (as we are prone to overstressing), that doesn't make them "endogenic" it just literally means they chill here knowing they didn't form from some abuse or something but from stress.

Which is completely valid!!!

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anti-endo-safe-space · 14 days

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Hey folks! Feel free to keep interacting but we're boarding a flight soon and won't be back online here for a few hours. Personal is still open because we have it signed into our app

#anti endo #endos dni #anti endo supporter #endos fuck off #endos aren't real #plural system #system #actually system #actually dissociative

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anti-endo-safe-space · 14 days

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i just looked at pluralpedia and fund this gem of a thing /sar

Lmanberggenic or L'manberggenic is a system origin term for systems that formed due to, influenced by, or tied directly to the Dream SMP's L'manberg faction or the L'manberg era in the series.

Excuse us??? That's????

Okayyyyy. That makes 0 sense. Endos are concerning as hell ngl

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anti-endo-safe-space · 14 days

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Minor/Brief tw/cw for mentioning programming since we are a programmed system.

What we don't really get about endogenics is if they believe they have system experiences, but not the criteria at all, but still relate to system experiences is...why not just...identify with the space??? I probably worded that poorly. But like. If you're suspecting you're a system and feel like you aren't one, why don't you just spend time exploring that???

We just don't get it cause we often felt like we didn't fit the criteria. We barely felt like we were OSDD1a/1b. It was a good several months before choosing to use that term and we still flip flopped between having 1a or 1b or DID or maybe not even being a system. We turned out to have DID and are specifically a programmed system just for context.

But even when we questioned systemhood or questioned programming, we continued to explore and question. We thought we didn't have amnesia or our alters weren't distinct (feeling like me, host, the one that claims the body, but different emotions.) And we were so scared of being fakeclaimed if we opened up about it. (Not that system spaces do that, but we have a muddy history with harassment and our programs and our alters that fakeclaim us don't help either. Especially since we fully fell into fakeclaiming back when it was more of a popular thing a few years back. It fucked us up.)

I guess we just struggle to understand why they can't just...explore??? Or learn??? It took us so long before we even knew about our other alters. A lot of our fictives were the only "original" (meaning distinct from host/the body) alters we could interact with. Year and a half into our exploration and we learned a LOT especially in the past few months.

It just feels like the systems that find themselves as endogenic or mixed origin or whatever just don't feel confident in them being systems due to a mix of fakeclaiming being prevalent and easy to access as well as just a lack of understanding their systems. Which is normal??? One of our system friends thought there were only 3 alters. A bit after discovery and they have like 20 or sumthn.

Our system flip flops a lot on our stance on endos (usually being neutral or anti) cause we are very easily influenced between our programs, unstable relationship with reality, being a huge dumbass, and our moral ocd. But we believe we are adamantly anti endo.

I guess our main point is...why not just go without a label/term??? Why not use like UDD or something??? Why do they HAVE to have a label and after feeling like they don't have OSDD or DID go with endogenic or use mixed origin or believe they have an endogenic form of DID??? (Rhetorical questions.)

We've been hyperfixated on this and just don't understand it. It's okay to not label yourself. It's okay to be confused why you line up with system experiences, but find the criteria doesn't match. It's okay to feel confused about if you have the disorder or not. That's exactly what we experienced and even felt a lot of guilt from even resonating with DID stuff.

We never fell into endogenic stuff for ourself cause we do not socialize or care to participate in communities cause of past bad experiences (fandoms, mental health spaces, ableists, a variety of things.) But it just strikes us as...why do you need to believe you are a system/have some dissociative disorder like DID or P-DID, but believe it's not related to trauma that caused it? (Rhetorical questions.)

Like if you question and look through and think it doesn't apply to you, I wouldn't say that's necessarily a "no." For ones that are probably actually systems and just believe they don't have it, we mean. Cause we didn't think we had amnesia or distinct alters until...we did. We didn't even really have fictives for a while either. Cause that's pretty normal. And even before we understood we were a system, we saw plenty of systems share their experiences of going from OSDD-1 to DID as they discovered things.

Like we didn't know about our trauma till like 21-22. And didn't realize we had programming or even DID until a few months ago. And we've suspected DID and being a system on and off for years, but always felt like we were "wrong" for even suspecting it (for a few different reasons.)

I dont...really know what the point of this is. I guess just venting/ranting. But we just don't see why some systems fall into this idea that they are solidly endogenic or mixed origin when...its possible they just don't know. I, host of our system, still know very little. I have the least amount of information of all of the alters, again due to our programming. Like. Sometimes you don't know.

We just feel like it comes from this intense need to know everything about your system, every detail and label. It surely led us to feeling "fake" because we couldn't do that. We're polyfragmented, I constantly front and I'm extremely fragile, and it is very easy to overwhelm us. But then we found posts that understood that, that knew what it was like, that could put it into words. I suppose how we perceive it is that systems are desperate to understand their systems and experience fully, but don't fully understand the innerworkings. So they just see alters or the top layer of the onion of the system experience, but not any of the disorder-y stuff and then feel like they aren't a system. Then they find the term endogenic or mixed origin or whatever and align with it because, in actuality, a lot of their experiences aren't well understood yet. So to feel like they ARE a system, they find the endogenic community and terms fitting as they explore. But we think in actuality that it's just them either misunderstanding the criteria or not fully realizing they DO experience it. Like we misunderstood what amnesia was. Hell, even for our personality disorders we found ourselves misunderstanding the criteria cause we are a dumbass and struggle to understand stuff. And that's okay.

This is specifically about systems we notice do tend to fall under DID and OSDD, but believe they're mixed origin/endogenic. Sorry, we aren't good with words and still don't understand everything. But we've just been observing a lot. Both sides, arguments, the different experiences. And this is kinda what we think is happening for systems that probably DO have a dissociative disorder like DID, but fall into the endogenic or mixed origin belief. And we kinda wonder if they had this reassurance of their experiences outside of endogenic stuff, if it could mean systems could feel more certain in their experiences. And fakeclaimers and stuff like that certainly haven't happened. It was a long time before WE understood stuff and we still struggle to understand things.

It feels like it just needs to be said: it's okay to not know everything about your system. It's okay if you feel you don't align fully with the criteria especially if you don't understand it. It doesn't necessarily mean you don't fit it, but that you either just aren't aware or don't understand. OSDD and DID are confusing disorders when you experience them. Even with how much we know, we still doubt and question and have to check if these are "normal" experiences. You don't have to label and understand everything. You don't have to share all of that. It's your experience.

But uh for any of the ones knowingly faking or spreading misinformation (like autism and BPD and other non-dissociative disorders can cause systems) or flat out using medical terms and our spaces, fuck those people. I've seen some legitimately triggering shit. Not to mention the terms of system hopping and programming being co-opted by some endos. Pisses us off to no end.

Smol rant about the autism or bpd or other disorders causing systems. Yeah. If you're a traumagenic system, your other disorders are gonna affect it. Our autism heavily plays into it. Our personality disorders do too. Our alters heavily align with a few personality disorders each (even tho the whole system technically has them.) It's gonna affect it. But those disorders themselves don't cause systems. Just...had to add that in as a vent cause omfg. It pisses us off seeing that.

We just feel deeply for some of the ones that are probably OSDD/DID systems and just don't know it. We are the endogenic community having a few sides to it and so this was mostly about the traumagenic systems believing they're mixed origin or endogenic or whatever else.

We just notice a lot of the stuff they claim as endogenic is usually...just actual experiences of DID/OSDD and they just fail to understand it as such. They'll perfectly describe being a traumagenic system then say they aren't one or they're mixed origins. And it's like...you're so close.

Just...really had to get all that off our chest. Especially since endogenics can be especially triggered for our more emotional and aggressive alters like some of our persecutors. We mostly refrain from syscourse since we're dumbasses that are too easily stressed and have more important things to worry about, but we've been hyperfixating and it got to us and our alters this morning. Esp with how endos paint antis. We've seen a lot from both sides as we've tried to understand where we live and what is the truly "correct" option (for lack of a better term.) We've seen the worst of both sides and seen arguments on both sides we can sympathize with. But. We just feel so bad for systems that misunderstand their own experiences and get caught up in endogenic stuff when...it's actually fairly normal for systems to go through and just had to voice our thoughts on it to get it out of our head. Feels like we were going crazy.

Obligatory apology for not being clear and rambling and repeating a lot. We have disorganized speech and are semiverbal so communicating thoughts get rambly and often feel incoherent even if we do make sense. We mostly apologize for our sake and are working on apologizing less. But we still feel the need to apologize and explain to help ease our nerves. Also sorry for long post mostly said for our own anxiety.

We don't have much to say which isn't your fault please don't misunderstand us, it's how you phrased stuff extremely well. We get everything your saying.

Honestly most "endos" are systems in denial which isn't us advocating to go search out your trauma just that they're most likely just in denial.

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anti-endo-safe-space · 14 days

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An endo fake - claimed me. AN ENDO. i- i just want to stop existing. It was on discord and they sent all their friends to harass me. They said i have too many mental illnesses so im faking. I am on the verge of tears, they death threatened me and told me i desrve being r*ped... it went on for so long until i finally blocked all of them. I dont get what i did wrong...

.....hey hey. Hey

You did not deserve that. Part of being a system is a ton of mental illnesses. That doesn't change anything no matter what.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, they hated you simply for existing and it's because their a POS. You are innocent here and we are so so so so sorry

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anti-endo-safe-space · 14 days

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I saw a post recently, which was framed as "multigenic culture" that was like ""we're endogenic" > "wait we might have some trauma" > "maybe we're traumagenic?"", and I usually try to not care about this stuff but. That's not being mixed origins or multigenic or whatever, that's just realising you have trauma and your system exists because of that! I went though this, a lot of systems I've met have. Facepalms

I-

That wasn't at you anon, that was at whoever made that post. Because, what???

A, mixed origin/multigenic makes no sense but we digress. We don't know enough on what that even means to say anything else

B, that's literally just realizing you have trauma-

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anti-endo-safe-space · 14 days

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Tw mentions of ramcoa and programming (denial, beta, silencing, epsilon, scramble). Self fakeclaiming as well. It’s a really big vent sorry-

I’m tired of being a system sometimes.

I’m tired of having to say “I’m fine” and act fine when someone else is Upset and you can actively hear them being Upset.

I’m tired of saying that everything is fine even though it’s not.

I’m tired of having to say that I’m fine even thing I’m desperate to have the one person that knows me for me to tell me that I’m okay and to help me rework out that I’m not fake, I’m not faking having DID, I’m not faking being a RAMCOA survivor all because a program was triggered.

I’m tired of wanting to do something and being triggered by a cue unknown to act like an animal or something inhuman. I hate it and I’m tired when it’s triggered with beta programming. I don’t want to be treated like a prey animal but gods I want to be at the same time and I hate everything and feel so gross when it happens.

I hate wanting to be more feminine to heal from our bodily trauma only to be met with the jokes of “oh, so you want to be catcalled.” NO. I want to be treated like a human being that uses she/her pronouns! “But that’s what it takes to be a woman.” I’M REGRETTING EVEN ASKING TO HAVE HELP HEAL. I know that they’re autistic and I hide how I’m feeling but I don’t want to be reminded of that.

I KNOW I need therapy but I can’t get any because of low income and none around me saying anything about being able to help anyone with a CDD, let alone RAMCOA. And every time I try to talk about it, I’m struggling to speak, I can’t talk for hours on end, there’s a pain in my chest, I want to cry, and I’m so fucking jumbled I can’t even think straight. And who says they’d believe me anyways? The only proof I have is breakdowns!

It’s bad enough that we fakeclaim ourselves constantly when we’re in denial. We can’t ask for help because someone else is Upset or Not Able To Help Right Now. I’m tired of feeling like I’m making everything about me by asking for help and wanting that reassurance. We don’t even know our own triggers and cues so how can we be real?

It just feels like everything is Wrong. Everything is fake. I’m false. I’m making things up. But why does it hurt so much to say that I’m faking? Why?!

I want it all to just end already! It sucks!

I just want the reassurance and I can’t get the person that knows me the most to say anything out of fear…

Sorry for venting, you don’t even have to respond I’m just tired.

(💎❤️)

Hey, it's a long while coming but.

Being a system isn't a fun thing and we are so so so sorry your having to go through that part of being one, that isn't anything we'd wish on anyone.

Your not faking DID or RAMCOA, you went through that and are a system. You wanting to be treated as feminine doesn't mean your asking to be catcalled and anyone who says that's what it takes to be a woman needs to get their heads out of their ass and get help.

Depending on if your in the US, there are therapists here specifically for low-income. They charge at max maybe $5 a session. They have therapists with experience in systems. They can cover you for cheap and well.

Your not making anything up, your real and your suffering and while we won't say it's a good thing your suffering or anything but your not faking.

Hey we're always here, don't worry.

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anti-endo-safe-space · 24 days

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This!!!! This is why shit like our page exists!! Cuz of fucking endos!!!

Prismentropy, we are so so sorry you had to deal with that. That person is a P.O.S for ignoring your boundaries.

so dumb and frustrating to see all your labels with massive red text saying endos can't use them. God forbid my experiences align with the labels youve made despite our differences in opinion. get over yourself!!!

god forbid people have fucking boundries. get over YOURSELF.

im setting a boundry, know that YOU are the one who sounds like an asshole for not respecting them. I respect yours, you respect mine. got it?

#endos not for you #anti endo supporter #endos aren't real #endos dni #endos fuck off #anti endo #tulpa dni #tulpas dni #tulpamancy dni #dni endos #endos do not interact #system #did plurality #actually plural #plural #plural system

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anti-endo-safe-space · 25 days

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When i was younger, i used to get frustrated because my alters, henceforth referred to as guys (but in a gender neutral way), were not in my control.

I had the council, a group of them who were just chilling, but one of them didn't feal real and i couldnt figure out why. It drove me crazy because the others were just people in my head, but i wanted an older brother too and he wasnt doing it properly.

The same thing happened a few times later, with only one or two guys being real in a world that felt fake and flat in my own head. Sometimes i would get really invested into a show or piece of media, in my autistic way, and try so hard to have a character be real in my head, but i only ever got one, and that was completely due to a traumatic brain injury that happened to coincide.

Anyway, turns out i have osdd, and a very high split tolerance. And i know from experience that its impossible to hyper-fixate your way into an introject or fictive. I stumbled into a few of my guys, but it was never the ones i expected and honestly, most of the time they are terribly unhappy about it.

I tried so hard, so often. Honestly, i wish i could just have control over them. I wished i could merge some of them, create others, or switch on comand, co-front, or even be able to tell whos whos every day.

But apparently thats a privilege for the endos /sarcastic

Low spoons so not a huge answer but

We're sorry you had to go through that. We hope things system wise can get better.

Some systems have more introjects and stuff from hyperfixations but that's not how they all work and that's okay.

We get wanting that control, at least from our end we can't force someone to front or merge or anything, they just do what they want.

Endos do tend to think that's hwo it works sadly

Sorry if this isn't well worded, physical issues acting up here but we hear you

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