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this is now officially an archive.

just super quickly dropping in here because it’s been long enough & i realize i disappeared kinda quickly. i’m around, i still write this bastard boy, but i’m extremely picky with who i still want to interact with, for various reasons.

other than that, you can find me on discord @ cosmic horror#0817 , but even there i cut down a lot on contacts. this doesn’t mean anything against you personally, i just reflected a lot on me and what’s healthy for me and it wasn’t what I did before.

#[ † ] ;; OFFSCREEN. (ooc.) #dont bother replying i am logging back out of here #i just thought i might owe an update maybe.

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this is now officially an archive.

#made some decisions for my health and one of them is to log into this blog in particular for the last time now. #i'm around. but i think it's been long enough for most people that wanted to stay in contact to do so. #bye ♥ #[ † ] ;; OFFSCREEN. (ooc.)

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actually, and i know this sounds like the worst thing, but the more people simply tell me they cannot wait for me to be back here so we can talk again, the less likely i actually... am.

#me: i feel a lot of people only care about miles and not me. i should step back. #every comment of that sort... proves that feeling extremely right. #okay thats the last ill say to it. #[ † ] ;; OFFSCREEN. (ooc.)

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okay, i wasn’t entirely sure if I would say something or not, but: i genuinely don’t know when i’ll be back here. I thought taking a week or two off would help, and don’t get me wrong — Miles is still my baby and I love him very dearly — but being here hasn’t been healthy for me, that much has been extremely clear in the time i wasn’t here. Also, I had several mental and physical health issues in that time and it just really felt like a signal I need to take better care of myself.

(And no: remaking wouldn’t solve most of the issues I have here.)

So, yeah. I’m still on Discord, and I’m still on tumblr, and if you wanna keep in touch, great! But being on Miles lately doesn’t work out for me and I’m way more miserable when I’m around here.

#[ † ] ;; OFFSCREEN. (ooc.) #i dont mind if you unfollow over this id simply prefer softblocking for whenever i get back #i most likely WILL eventually. but.... lately? ive been far more happy elsewhere.

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Every time someone mixes my boy (Miles) and me (Myles) up my skin clears

#someone: how confusing do you want this to be #me: yes #[ † ] ;; offscreen. (ooc.)

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there is a wasps’ nest in my attic. a fat, sprawling thing that crouches in the shadowed corner. it thrums with life and malice. i could sit there for hours, watching the swirls of pulp and paper on its surface. i have done. it is not the patterns that enthrall me, i’m not one of those fools chasing fractals; no, it’s what sings behind them. sings that i am beautiful. sings that i am a home. that i can be fully consumed by what loves me. // indie jane prentiss of rusty quill’s the magnus archives podcast. written corrupted by zick.

#i bullied zick into listening to tma so now you go and support his brand #also helens wife / miles' worst nightmare / elias' constant headache ❤️ #promo tbt.

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i love that the two things everyone connects with my miles are “behaves like a cat” and “bites a lot” 

#tbd #[ † ] ;; OFFSCREEN. (ooc.)

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@5minutetorture​​ :   [ weep ]  for your muse to catch mine crying

nonverbal! | not accepting

     Lᴀʙᴇʟs ᴀɴᴅ feelings tend to complicate things. He doesn't like dealing with either; just push it all down to the bottom to become a piled up problem for the future. There's certain expectations that come from these things, which isn't usually something he likes to deal with, because it means admitting it's real, and it means he has to behave a certain way, and it means he is more involved than he likes to be.

     Waylon, now, he has a way of doing that to him. Not even with words, but he just does something and expects something, maybe even without knowing he does, and then he's just forced to deal with it in any way and he absolutely hates it. What they have had been convinence at first, nothing else, and yeah, he's not blind enough to pretend it didn't evolve from there, but that doesn't mean he wants to acknowledge what exactly that makes them. How this guy somehow became his responsibility; some fucked up man-child that sometimes seems to literally regress into a state much younger and either unwilling or incapable of taking the consequences and responsibility for his own actions. Which would be way less worse if that didn't somehow — somehow! — made them Miles' without him ever agreeing to something like that. Waylon just kind of decided that he would be the person to clean up his messes now, and he sometimes has half a mind to just leave him behind. Let him fend for himself. But he knows he couldn't; would either find someone else to make everything their problem or would just straight up go down.

     (And maybe he cares more than he admits, but it sits somewhere in his throat and blocks his breathing and he's unable to swallow it or cough it out.)

     Point proven: he has no idea why Waylon is crying right this instant, and he's most definitely not equipped to deal with it. Just kind of... it's all a bit much. It's putting himself into a sensory overload, but at the same time he just knows that if he doesn't somehow attempt to fix a mess that's not his it's going to be his fault, in whatever way, and going to be so much worse.

     (He didn't ask for this. He didn't ask for any of this. And he's supposed to deal with it, somehow, while his own panic attacks at best get shoved down or trigger an adjacent one he has to fix, and some days he just wants to bash his head in — )

     None of that out loud. What he does is pick up a blanket and pull it around Waylon's shoulders, tightly, because he doesn't have the energy to hug him or even knows if he wants him to, and that's the next best thing, bottle of water settled on the one side of him because he's going to be dehydrated, and then awkwardly settling next to him. Not quite reaching out, but it's. The idea is there.

     "Want t' talk 'bout it, or try t' sleep while I watch you?"

#5minutetorture #[ † ] ;; YOU HAVE [1] UNREAD EMAIL. (asks.)

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@enchairr​​ : [ run ] for your muse to run their fingers through mine’s hair

nonverbal! | not accepting

     Iɴ ᴀʟʟ honesty, if asked previously, the last word he would ever use to describe himself would be "domestic". Just not how he'd envision himself, is all; always had been someone on the move at nearly any given time (or in some other rather maniac state of working) and people, well. It's not that he never cared for them, it's just hard to connect to them at times. It's either all too much or too little, no balance in between. Tends to feel too much than what is appropriate or shut himself down entirely in that regard; something that doesn't exactly help most relationships. That, and the way he experiences certain feelings just... in a different way all lead to them being short lived at best, and this whole idea of settling around someone (not necessarily settling down), it just seemed... odd. Not for him.

     Well. Guess he's wrong occasionally as well. It's proven by being settled next to his boyfriend, and at first, he doesn't even notice; not quite zoned out but just focused on reading (it's not in any sense productive because the words just kind of blur together, a clear sign he went too long again and his body is shutting down slowly, forcing him to rest), and it does get... harder to concentrate, and just when he finally decides to put the tablet away does he really return to the real world enough to figure out one of the reasons why it's been so hard to think: Sy, casually using his weakness against him. Like it's nothing. Maybe the other sensed the exhaustion and wants him to settle down, maybe it's subconsciously, maybe it's an evil plot to get some peace from him for a few minutes.

     Either way, it works. Doesn't mean he's gonna let him go as easily, though, arm wrapped around his waist.

#enchairr #[ † ] ;; YOU HAVE [1] UNREAD EMAIL. (asks.)

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turning off anon. probably permanently this time.

#looks at the asks ive gotten the last couple days and i'm just. tired. #also i know what the last one aimed at. and i could explain it. but i dont see why i should justify myself #to a stranger that hides behind anon. in public. #tbd #[ † ] ;; OFFSCREEN. (ooc.) #i currently have enough shit to deal with with my health. #i know you'll trash talk me for this so go ahead <3 please at least hard- / softblock me tho!

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@enchairr​ :  [ look ] for your muse to catch mine staring

nonverbal! | not accepting

     Hᴇ ʜᴀs never understood when the others spoke of love. It's been such a foreign concept, the way they did: not that he didn't know how to love, it just seemed like such a strange idea to concentrate your feelings onto a single person and call that the one true kind of love. But he kind of understands it now; not quite entirely and he likely never will (romantic love simply seems so very odd to him and it's not the kind that fills his heart until it overflows), but he understands looking at someone and feeling the space inside his chest growing oh so tightly filled, barely leaving enough room to breathe and yet being able to do so more easily than anytime else ever before. He gets wanting to hold onto someone without crushing them, and dedicating his life to them without placing it as their responsibility.

     Not that he could say when it started; it just did and then suddenly he's here knowing it had been going on for a while. Knows that he wants Sy to be a part of the rest of his remaining life; knows he'll hand him his heart and his soul and all that's left of him should he ask (and also knows he wouldn't ever ask), and he thinks — no, knows as well, knows deeply to be true that he loves him. Maybe not in the way people think matters, but he knows he does and he knows that his love is no less than that, if not more.

     And when he glances over and sees his own expression mirrored on the other's face for a second before changing into something else, well. What is there but to feel that warmth seeping through his body, what is there other?

     He understands it now.

#enchairr #writes one whole thing. amazing. #ilu <3 #[ † ] ;; YOU HAVE [1] UNREAD EMAIL. (asks.)

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eldritch horror? actually i find it quite pleasant. attractive, even. dare i say sexy.

#mobile tbt #hearteyes @ the walrider

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leneemusing​:

nonverbal memes

add + to reverse who does the action

[ attention ] for your muse to touch mine as a way of getting their attention  [ sleep ] for your muse to wake mine  [ cover ]  for your muse to cover mine with a blanket or a jacket  [ lift ] for your muse to give mine a hand stepping up or over something etc.  [ kiss ]  for your muse to come up to mine and kiss them without warning  [ run ] for your muse to run their fingers through mine’s hair  [ braid ] for your muse to braid mine’s hair  [ embrace ]  for your muse to hold mine  [ smile ] for your muse to smile at mine from across the room  [ wave ] for your muse to gesture to mine to come closer  [ panic ] for your muse to grab mine’s arm or get behind them in a moment of danger  [ touch ] for your muse to rest their forehead against mine’s [ weep ]  for your muse to catch mine crying  [ eat ]  for your muse to offer mine food [ hit ] for your muse to attack mine  [ love ] for your muse to touch mine as a show of affection or reassurance  [ nap ] for your muse to fall asleep against mine  [ rest ] for your muse to rest their head in mine’s lap  [ look ] for your muse to catch mine staring  [ seduce ] for your muse to touch mine sexually  [ help ] for your muse to lean on mine for support  [ give ] for your muse to offer mine their arm  [ entwine ] for your muse to hold mine’s hand  [ laugh ] for your muse to laugh at something mine did  [ dance ] for your muse to dance with mine  [ sit ] for your muse to pull mine into their lap  [ yell ] for your muse to calm mine down  [ cry ] for your muse to wipe mine’s tears away  [ dream ] for your muse to wake mine from a nightmare  [ surprise ] for your muse to show up at mine’s house without explanation  [ fix ] for your muse to treat mine’s injury  [ sacrifice ] for your muse to get hurt protecting mine  [ guard ] for your muse to step between my muse and danger  [ taste ] for your muse to cook for mine  [ sing ] for your muse to sing to mine 

#will i write today anymore? unlikely #but my drafts are nearly empty so yknow #love me #[ † ] ;; WE'RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH DEATH. (meme.)

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““Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you look when considering violence?””

— Moist von Lipwig, Going Postal

#i'M. #[ RE ] ;; BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I ALWAYS HATED YOU; HATED YOU FROM HELLO. (& waylon.) #[ RE ] ;; BLEED OUT IN A GUTTER OR MAKE OUT WITH ME. (& lance.)

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fourrarri​:

        💸 ║ ❛   —————  Just  as  he  expected.  Well,  it  was  more  Santiago  who  said  this  thing  would  happen  and  now  there  they  are.  How  he  hates  COMPLICATED  situations  like  this.  Even  though  Lance  likes  things  to  go  his  way,  he  is  still  well  aware  of  the  fact  that  it  doesn’t  always  work.  Not  that  he  cares  too  much  about  what  others  think  of  his  in  general.  But  the  Family  gives  all  the  loyalty  they  have,  so  it’s  out  of  question  that  Lance  gives  the  SAME  AMOUNT  back.  Miles  isn’t  part  of  that.  And  it  only  makes  him  realize  how  much  he  has  given  the  other  without  getting  anything  in  return  now.  Clearly  he’s  been  played  by  Miles.  This  thought  alone  ANGERS  him.

           ���   Yeah,  okay.  You  right.   ❞  His  voice  remains  calm  even  though  on  the  inside  it’s  all  different.  A  frustrated  sigh  escapes  his  mouth  as  he  takes  a  moment  to  think.  ❝   I  have  no  use  for  you  anymore  then.  ‘Cause  you’ve  been  giving  me  SHIT,  you  know  that ?  You  had  one  little  job  and  weren’t  even  capable  of  finishing  it.  I  didn’t  get  anything  from  you.  So  we  done  here.   ❞ 

          Even  though  Lance  is  angry,  there’s  no  point  in  harming  Miles  in  any  way.  He  may  be  one  of  the  few  people  that  can  get  away  like  that.  For  now  at  least.

           ❝   I  ain’t  gonna  kill  you  over  it  but  that  doesn’t  mean  I’m  interested  in  keeping  you  alive  either,  Miles.  Just  saying.  Now  get  the  fuck  out  before  I  change  my  mind.   ❞

     "I ᴅɪᴅɴ'ᴛ have a job. A job implies some kind of agreement. You forced this on me, knowin' full well I wouldn't do it." He's not too worried. Give it a week at maximum, and he'll come back crawling if that's what it needs. Lance might not like being in control, well, sucks for him, but if he didn't truly care, then this would have become messy months ago.

     Besides. It's not like he's particularly mad about it. It's certainly been fun, especially the not having to worry about money issue, but he got a lot of other things to do, actually. He's been feeling like a caged animal lately; something displayed as a trophy and now poor poor Lance is getting pissed his exotic cat isn't willing to learn any tricks.

     The underlined threat gains an eyebrow raise, but nothing more. Lance isn't the first to threaten him in any way, and he already knows he'll die by pissing off the wrong person. It's not like he's been hiding out here, living under special protection, no matter how the other one makes it sound. No, this is merely back to square one for now, until he either decides to get off the radar entirely (there are, after all, some interesting jobs far away from here that he feels drawn to), or until Lance will pretend it was all a joke.

     Shrugs, and there's no reason to keep talking about it, then. He's. He's fine with that. Let that stupid bastard drink himself into the grave. What does he care? He's just grabbing his stuff and turning on his heel, not even bothering with a further response. Want to talk being childish? Two can be.

#fourrarri #oh poor poor lance. #[ V ] ;; & WE'RE JUST BLEEDING OUT IN THE MOUTH OF THE DEVIL. (paradise family.)

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@finaelfright​​ :   Bev vc "thanks for letting me borrow your jacket, I really appreciate it. I got some milkshake on it by accident so I got it dry-cleaned too."

     Tʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡᴀs something about it being kind of a rule that when you enter a relationship, you have to say goodbye to some of your favorite clothing items. He believed this to be mostly about hoodies and sweaters, but apparently, it does include his leather jacket. Which, really, he should have seen it coming, what with it being his very favorite item, and it does hold up quite well for all the years and abuse he's put it through. To be fair: he usually does take good care of it. Most of the time. And also to be fair, it looks very cute on Bev; reaching down far further than it's supposed to and covering her hands the second she stops pushing the sleeves back up. Not that he's saying it out loud; what with his expression, he probably doesn't have to.

     "Oh? Very considerate o' you. You didn't have t', y'know."

     But he appreciates it a lot, anyway. It's been his dad's and all he's got left, really — so it really does mean a lot. "Thank you, sweetheart."

#finaelfright #s-soft #[ † ] ;; YOU HAVE [1] UNREAD EMAIL. (asks.)

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@themechaneer​ :  “I think if I was this dude my biggest fear would be one of the psychos saying something funny while I’m hiding or trying to play dead.” Joel is watching Miles play a game NOT OUTLAST and is not commenting on how bad he is at stealth play.

     Bᴜᴛᴛᴏɴ ᴘʀᴇssᴇᴅ on pause, and he turns towards Joel, and the look on his face is something unreadable. He mentioned to him, beforehand, that this was something he probably shouldn't see, but that had been dismissed and only now it becomes clear that he apparently failed to point out just how much that wasn't a game, that his rapid typing away had nothing to do with controlling any movement and more a frantic note taking. He's already in a horribly numb state of mind, and he considers, briefly, if he wants to tell him the truth. That he's not playing some game (horror hasn't been his genre before; and it certainly isn't now), but that these are, in fact, his very own recordings of hell. But maybe it's better if he just shuts this off now and lets him believe it's not real; after all, there had been a reason why he asked him to not join him while going through these things.

     Screen turning dark, he sighs.

     "Yeah, turns out, 'm not horribly good at 'em, actually."

#themechaneer #i was gonna say 'well he's not big on anything like that' but then i had this idea to make it awful ;3; #[ † ] ;; YOU HAVE [1] UNREAD EMAIL. (asks.)