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blackopals-world · 11 months

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Mouthing Affection

Leona x Vet!FemYuu

NSFW

As part of the smut raffle. This is the prize for the winners.

Sometimes big cats can be big kittens and can't help but show it. Yuu has to deal with a spoiled lion doing everything he can to distract her from her job.

Cat (big cats including) will nip to show affection.

Yuu was busy. She was always busy. Today especially since Coach Vargas asked her to do a health check on all the athletic teams that had beastmen.

That meant mostly patching up cuts and bruises while making sure they took flea and lick medications. That also meant having Vil bring Epel in for a tick check after one was found in the stables.

Currently, Leona was sitting in Yuu's office getting his health screening. Yuu skimmed through her report checking for errors, she knew Leona was perfectly healthy almost ludicrously by human standards. He could benefit from daily multivitamins though.

"Okay, I'll give you a syringe of liquid multivitamins and a liquid IV." Yuu said putting down her clipboard.

"What do I get if I take it?" Leona asked raking a claw down the paper-covered exam table. His smirk taunted the doctor.

"I'll give you a treat. Something I reserve for the most ornery of patients." By which she meant all of them.

Yuu opened a jar with a cat symbol on it on her desk that contained an assortment of colorfully wrapped candies. She pulled out one and put it on the table before taking out the medicine vials.

"I'll take it after you give me the candy." He said leaning back.

"No, after." Yuu said simply without looking up.

"Before and another after." He said more stubbornly.

"No, you can't hav-wait. Where is it?" Yuu began looking through the cabinets for a missing bottle."Shit. The nurse must have taken it to her-stay put till I get back."

Yuu walked out while giving Leona a glare.

Leona just as quickly takes a handful of candies and ate a few just to spite her. He loved messing with the cute herbivore.

The candy was really good. It tasted like mint and melon. It felt warm as it melted in his mouth. His entire body began to feel warm.

Leona's vision began to get fuzzy at the edges as Yuu finally returned. She was focused on finishing her task as she grabbed another oral syringe and measured out another dose. Leona's focus zeroed in on Yuu as her hands moved.

His thoughts focused on how cute she was. His mind repeated it over and over everything he liked about her. Her hair, her eyes, her lips, her hips. All of it was cute-sexy. That sounded right.

"Leona? Hey are you okay?" Yuu asked holding out one of the oral syringes for him to take.

Leona was still aware enough to keep calm but couldn't speak. His tongue felt thick and heavy.

"Leona." Yuu glared "Are you seriously going to make me give it to you myself. Your just as bad as Ruggie."

Leona felt a twinge of irritation at the mention of the hyena. She was supposed to be taking care of him, no other men mattered. He grabbed Yuu's hand and pressed the end of the syringe to his lips.

Yuu sighed as she relented.

"It's not going to taste good but I promise I'll reward you," Yuu said slowly pressing down the plunger.

Leona's nose wrinkled as the medicine filled his mouth. He almost pulled away until Yuu placed a hand on his head. She weaved her hand through his hair and stroked his ears.

The fuzzy feeling returned as he felt a melting warmth in his chest.

"Good boy." She said scratching Leona's ear and pulling way. "Wow, your eyes look dilated. Let me get my ophthalmoscope."

Leona growled at the loss of warmth and pulled Yuu back as she turned around.

"Leona?!" Yuu yelped, her back pressed against the lion's chest.

Leona didn't respond as he pressed his face against Yuu's neck. Her skin was soft, warm and smelled so good. He nipped at her skin affectionately and she tasted so good. He wanted more.

Yuu gasped as Leona licked a long stripe up her neck. He got aggregated when his tongue touched fabric and growled as he began pulling the lab coat off.

"W-wait stop! What's gotten into you?" Yuu wrenched herself from the lion's grasp.

Finally, she noticed the candy wrappers littering the floor. She had bought these from Sam with the assurance that they were full of catnip and would make any ornery cat affectionate. It also had a warning about eating too many. From the wrappers, Yuu guessed that Leona took a bunch to spite her. Typical.

Yuu should have known.

Quickly the doctor examined Leona. His eyes were heavily dilated with more black showing than his usual emerald green. His tail swung back and forth. His claws looked bigger than usual too. They were digging into the padded table like earlier but now they seemed to get sharper.

What was worrying Yuu the most was the look in his eyes. A look that any cat owner knows very well that translated to "I'm being a huge dumbass"

Yuu needed to get Leona somewhere safe before anyone finds out he was drugged. She wasn't explaining to Vargas why his star player is high as a kite. That meant taking Leona back to Ramshackle.

Yuu dropped the clingy lion on her bed and huffed in irritation. It took longer then necessary to get to the dorm.

Yuu had to bribe Ruggie with a jar of her handmade biscuits. He's either eaten all of them or is reselling them to the rest of Savanaclaw. Jokes on him those biscuits ate full of "calming" herbs that are completely legal. Unlike the ones she got from Sam which she has no idea if they are.

The joke might be on her. There might be an epidemic of catatonic beastmen.

Yuu chooses to blame Leona for this.

Leona on the other hand looked very pleased with himself as he lazily rolled on Yuu's bed and rubs his face on Yuu's pillows and getting his scent all over it.

Yuu grabs the pillow to stop him. Leona grabs her wrist and presses his cheek against her palm. The lion made a pleased rumble and encouraged Yuu to touch him more.

"You are lucky you're being cute. Cute doesn't even suit someone like you. I should be angry that you are making me do this." Yuu faked annoyance.

Leona must have known as he grinned wolfishly.

"Get over here." He pulled Yuu down with him.

Yuu yelped as Leona's arms wrapped around her. His face once again buried against her neck. His brown locks tickled her skin and his rough tongue lapped at her collar.

He let out brief heavy sighs that Yuu recognized as chuffing. Leona was very excited.

Leona's mind as fuzzy as everything felt could feel Yuu. Her scent surrounded him, forming a warm blanket around him. Her soft skin was like a pillow and all he wanted to do was sink into her. He wanted her, all of her. By his side.

Yuu knew she should protest. She should stop him. Leona was stronger than her but he'd listen if she demanded it. But he was happy and relaxed right now. She could just wait it out.

So she did or she tried to.

The pair cuddled as they napped. Yuu's hands mindlessly stroked Leona's head. She felt the rumbles that vibrated in his chest. Leona had moved to rest his head on Yuu's chest as his hand pushed under the hem of her shirt to touch more of the dewy skin he craved.

The haze in his made had cleared mostly before turning into something stronger and much worse. An insatiable need but at least he had his mind back.

The moment he realized he had begun to unconsciously attempt to remove Yuu's shirt he pulled out of her arms.

"Fuck!" He growled. It was one thing after another. It was like her body and mind were at war.

Yuu jolted awake before shifting to stare at Leona. She was glad he was back to normal at least. With all their past bickering she should expect he didn't want to remain with her but it still hurt. They weren't bitter enemies or anything, he didn't need to push her way like that.

"You didn't need to be so rough. It's your fault we're here anyways. You should listen when I told you not to eat more than one." Yuu scolded.

Leona pushed his palm against his forehead to ease his stress. His lips curled revealing his sharp canines.

"Stop talking." He growled again.

Yuu was getting agitated too but her instincts told her that Leona wasn't feeling well. Probably recovering from the drug.

"Leona, it's okay. Calm down and let me-" Yuu touched his shoulder intending to check his symptoms. Suddenly she was pinned down with her wrists held captive in Leona's hands.

Leona hovered over her his eyes narrowed into slits and his lips pulled back in a predatory snarl.

"I SAID SHUT UP!" He growled before just as quickly he pulled away like she was burning him "If you know what's good for you you'd stay away."

Yuu was incredulous. One second he's all over her now he can't stand her. Hot and cold.

"You don't get to tell me shit. I'm your doctor if I want to check on you that's my job and I will do it." Yuu glared but the heat of her stare disappeared as she was the pained furrow of Leona's brow.

Despite what anyone thinks she wasn't dense, at least not when it pertained to beasts. They were the only thing she really understood.

When they were in pain it was hard to tell because in the wild looking weak meant death as you'd be the first to be picked off. So animals hide their pain and only an experienced owner/vet could tell when something was off. Likewise, Yuu knew Leona was unwell and it was her job to fix it.

"Leona," She began.

"Stop talking...please." He said through gritted teeth.

"Why?" She asked quieter.

Leona huffed in agitation.

"You're voice. Is sounds so good right now. And whatever was in that fucking candy is going to make me lose it."

"Lose what?"

Just as she said this she caught a glimpse of what Leona was talking about. A firm outline was very visible.

"Yuu," He didn't call her herbivore "You need to leave immediately. For your own sake."

"What about yours?"

"The fuck is wrong with you. I just said you'd be put in danger."

"It's my fault, isn't it? I should help you."

"Can you help with this?" Leona gestured to the prominent shape in his pants.

Yuu didn't make eye contact.

The practical remedy for these things was to let them run their course and in the case of animals like ferrets find them a partner or else they will die of heat. The natural cure as it was. He'll she had to help tend to stallions and bucks during the breeding season when a request for quality DNA for a foal came in. It was just as gross as your imagining. So this was nothing.

I'd didn't make it any less embarrassing. Because Leona was notably a person, a good-looking one at that, and not a noisy smelly beast that is way too pleased with himself while a group of handlers gets him off.

"I don't mind. I can help. I do have some responsibility for this." Yuu mumbled the last part.

"How?" Leona demanded his tail flicked.

Yuu could have suggested her hands or maybe her mouth if she knew what she was doing but she had to say-

"You could use my thighs. They aren't really small." Yuu squeaked thinking about how weird that sounded. I mean who thinks of thighs first.

Leona.

Leona did.

He really liked Yuu's thighs.

With all the consent he needed Leina wordlessly pulled at the vet's pants but was stopped at the underwear. Yuu hesitated before pulling off her undergarments she felt underprepared. He shirt and bra went as well. She felt exposed but she wasn't a coward.

"Let me get some oil," Yuu said blushing as she turned to grab the body oil she used on the nightstand. As she sat up and crawled to the other side she felt hands wrap around her hips and was dragged right back under Leona.

Leona grabbed the bottle roughly before pouring it on Yuu's lap.

Despite his condition, Leona was as gentle as he could manage as he rubbed the oil on her body. Yuu shuttered feeling his large firm hands around her thighs and hips.

Leona quickly removed his clothes and at least now they were in a similar state of undress. Now Yuu didn't feel as exposed as she got an eyeful of Leona.

Despite his sedentary lifestyle, she was unsurprisingly built. Yuu was just as much a fan of muscles as Leona was of thighs.

Now Yuu could see just how big this kitty was and oh boy. He was big. 7 glorious inches and thick. Actually it was a bit knobby? Oh God, it had barbs. Okay not barbs like his animal counterpart, his was softer. It was similar to one of those bad dragon toys. Not that Yuu knew anything about that, that would be weird.

Don't look under her bed.

Leona could smell her arousal and knew she liked what she saw. The desperate desire that flooded her brain eased up a bit at the recognition.

Yuu could feel the smug aura breaking through and spoke up.

"Don't expect to fuck me without a kiss first." She smirked.

Leona made a pleased growl as their lips met in what would be the first of many kisses. He was eager to turn those soft pink lips red and swollen. He imagined them wrapped around his cock plenty of times, mostly during their arguments.

But now those lips were his as he nipped and bruised them as he liked.

Yuu pulled away as she gasped for air before being pulled back as Leona hungrily demanded more.

He pushed his cock between her soft oiled thighs and began to fuck them. Yuu's words of shock were muffled as Leona's tongue distracted her.

She felted into him as every thrust teased her clit as Leona just barely grazed it.

"I wonder if it's tighter inside." He murmured as he moved to Yuu's already bruised neck from earlier. He was turned on by the obvious claim.

He slowly lapped at her chest, taking a nipple into his mouth and suckling roughly before letting go. Yuu let out a shaky gasp as Leona played with her breasts. All the while thrusting against her but not enough to satisfy.

Yuu's excitement waned. It wasn't enough. No more teasing. She wanted him. Now.

Like a demanding lioness, she shoved Leona back. Leona frowned a bit insulted.

"Fuck me. Properly. Now." Yuu demanded.

Now this was something Leona was familiar with. In his homeland, it was always women who demanded sex from their male partners and they were never shy about what they wanted. Something he found annoying when it came to non-beastwomen who played too many games or acted shy instead of saying what they wanted.

It was like an itch that was finally being scratched as he lined up between Yuu's legs. Her gaze was fierce and expecting and all the more exciting. Gods he loved this woman, who else gives as good as they get.

One thing Leona had not realized by this point was that the drug had worn off. It had only two effects the initial intoxication phase and the detoxification phase which he had gotten through with Yuu serving as a distraction to ease the pain. Like a hangover but horny.

Leona slowly pushed into Yuu's entrance and fuck it felt good. Tight, hot, and felt like velvet. If it wasn't for the copious amount of oil he doubted he'd fit this easily. Leona stroked Yuu thighs as they wrapped around his hips.

"Good girl." He praised turning her favorite phrase she used on her patients on her.

Yuu shifted and whimpered. White hot pleasure buzzed through her core. She wanted Leona to do it again.

Leona rocked his hips against her. Yuu didn't get time to catch her breath as Leona began to fuck her. She was right about the barbs. They felt amazing as they stimulated her insides.

"Fuck! Mmnn!" Yuu moaned "Yes! Harder!"

Leona eagerly speed-up making sure each thrust was deep. Watching Yuu fall apart.

"You love this don't you?" Leona asked pulling her against his chest.

Yuu wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Please don't stop." She begged.

Leona rubbed her clit and watched as she cried out. He buried his cock deep inside her as she came. Her back arched as she felt everything at once.

"Leona!" He cried out her voice trembled along with a chorus of whimpers and moans.

But Leona still was satisfied as he fucked her through her orgasm. He adored the expression she made while she was fucked dumb. Her moans sounded less like words and more like whines of a beast in heat. The only appropriate sound for a time like this.

"You love being claimed don't you? Do you want to be mine that badly?" He asked biting her shoulder.

"Yours? Im yours? " Yuu yelped in reply.

Leona's tail twitched in satisfaction as he fucked her with renewed vigor. That was all he needed to hear. Even after he finished he couldn't stop himself before he continued to pound her into the sheets. She was his. All his. Only his. Even when she was sore and crying out for him nothing could change that now.

Yuu was sore and tired and annoyed. She was cuddling Leona again with e weird sense of Deja Vu. Leona was in a much better mood for once.

The sex was amazing of course but she was still annoyed. Yuu tugged on one of Leona's ears to get his attention.

"Just so you know I'm not yours. Your mine got it." Yuu said firmly.

"You said it first." He argued back not leaving her embrace.

The two still found the energy to argue again but this time ina more affectionate manor.

Meanwhile, Ruggie had learned about the effects of canine CBD snacks.

"I can taste colors."

Ruggie was currently on the floor staring at the ceiling but in his mind, he was traveling across time and space.

Ruggie: This edible ain't sh-

#vet!yuu #poor Ruggie #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #twisted wonderland yuu #leona kingscholar #leona kingsholar x reader #twisted wonderland leona #twst leona #twst ruggie #ruggie bucchi #twisted wonderland ruggie

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swissboyhisch · 7 months

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New York Luck

Pairing: Mat Barzal x Reader

Summary: After a lovely holiday, your partner breaks up with you and so you turn to your only friend in the city.

Word Count: 1055

A/N: I'm not super happy with this. I feel like it's rushed but I want to put it out anyway.

<< PREVIOUS

THE MASTERLIST JOIN THE TAGLIST HOCKEY DISCORD

Why is it that every time you come to New York, something bad happens. The last time you had gotten your shitty diagnosis. This time your current boyfriend and yourself had decided to go on a holiday to Hawaii for a week and of course, an hour after landing back in New York he decided to break your heart.

Something about not being ready for a relationship. Apparently. And here you were ready to tell him I love you on your holiday but held back because he was a little distant at night. That’s why you’re now standing in a Walmart; wearing a pair of sunglasses trying to find food.

Sadly you can’t even go home. In three days you have to have another surgery. A different one to the last time you were in New York. Now you’re stuck in the city, alone and crying your eyes out. Dealing with health issues and a break up. What a great combo. And to make things worse, you can’t even drink away your emotions!

Aisle by aisle, you grab chocolate, some cupcakes, cheese and crackers, a bit of everything. Oh and a bottle of coke, can’t forget it. That’s when you heard a familiar voice calling your name. You turned to where the voice came from.

“Mat?”

One of the few people you knew in the city. Mat wasn’t a stranger to you. Quite the opposite actually. The pair of you grew up together then reconnected later on once he had been drafted. After a couple hook ups since the reunion, you two were close when you did meet up.

“Are you okay?” Mat questions, spying your reddened cheeks just under your glasses.

“I uh… Yeah,” You tried to brush it off. Discreetly wiping the stray tears that dripped down your cheeks. “Just some personal stuff.”

The hockey player wasn’t buying it. He had known you long enough to see through your lies. Even if they were really bad like the one you just told. “Okay, what’s up? I know that’s a lie. You were literally just in Hawaii.”

“Stalking my insta?” You joke weakly.

“Gotta see what my favourite girl is up to.”

That made your heart hurt more. Here Mat was calling you that where as your ex could barely call you his girlfriend in front of his friends. God, you thought your relationship was great. Fuck. How could you be so blind.

“Yeah we got back this morning and then he broke up with me an hour after we landed.”

Mat immediately brought you in for a hug. “Shit. He’s an asshole for that.”

“Doesn’t help I have surgery friday,” You add, sniffling.

“Another one?” Mat sighs. “He’s a coward for breaking up with you before that. It’s a dick move.”

You shrug off the comment. “I’d rather him do it now then drag it out. Now I can just focus on myself. Gonna get snacks and have a night in my hotel. Maybe get ice cream from the place next door.”

“Can I join?” Mat asked.

“Are you sure?”

Matt agreed and the two of you finished grabbing snacks for the night and finished Mat’s shopping. He brought groceries for his apartment so the two created a plan. First, drop off Mat’s groceries to his apartment. Then head to your hotel to have a chill night.

You two arrived back at your hotel, which was quite a fancy one since you and your partner had planned to stay there together. First, before retreating to your bedroom, you stopped by the ice cream place and got way too much. Enough that Mat’s nutritionist would cry at the thought of the hockey player consuming all that sugar.

“This is nice.” The two of you walked into the nice hotel room. A modern style hotel room on the 9th floor. A king sized bed in the middle with the bathroom off to the left as you walked in. There was even a window with a blind in the shower. “Have you stayed here before?”

“Yeah, my ex worked nearby so I’d stay when I’d come to visit him,” You respond.

Mat grabbed the bag of snacks and put that on the counter, wrapped you in a hug and dragged you onto the bed. The smell of his cologne filled your senses. Despite your old hook up ways with Mat, the familiar scent still gave you butterflies.

“I wanna have a shower and get into my pyjamas,” You sighed, pulling away from Mat. You grabbed some clothes and went to go to the bathroom when a sulking sound came from the boy laying on your bed. When you looked at him, he was pulling the puppy's eyes. “What? Do you wanna join?”

“Please?” You giggled and agreed, leaving him to join you when he wished. “Thank youuuu!”

The bathroom was really modern. A large mirror in front of the sink and a huge shower with a rainfall head. Your favourite type of shower. After turning on the water to your preferred temperature, you stripped and got into the shower. The water felt calming as you stood under the stream.

“Heya,” Mat mutters as he slips into the shower.

You leaned into the hockey player as he wrapped his arms around you. This wasn’t the first time you had showered with him. But let’s just say usually, a simple shower wasn’t just that.

“Are you okay?” Mat asks as you’re unusually quiet around him. That question just makes you break. A flood of emotions coming through. Mat was quick to pull you closer, tight against his naked body as you started to sob. “He’s an idiot.”

“What’s wrong with me?” You cried.

“Nothing. I promise you it’s him. He’s the worst person for doing this to you. He’s the problem.”

Once you had calmed down and the two of you had finished washing, you changed into your pyjamas and cuddled up on bed with a ton of snacks surrounding the pair of you. Mat had signed into his Disney. You allowed him to pick what the two of you would watch for the night. When you saw the intro it solidified the hidden feeling for him. It was your favourite show.

“Thanks for this,” You mutter to Mat.

The brunette kissed the top of your head. “Always.”

TAG LIST

@findapenny @mp0625 @hischierhaze @11zegras @lvrzegras @francesfarhadi @cixrosie @daisysthings

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lyn-1225 · 1 year

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Tough days

Pairing: Carl Gallagher x fem!reader

Warnings: fluff, depression, self harm, anxiety (a little bit), blood, panic attack, sexual reference. I think that’s about it.

Word count: 2000-3000

A/n: I’ve been absolutely obsessed with shameless lately and Carl is my favorite by far. Of course I had to stay up till 2 AM to write this. I’m currently working on a request sent but if you have a request please don’t hesitate to let me know :) enjoy my bad writing.

⚠️ if you are sensitive to topics of mental health please don’t read this. Your safety and mental health is a top priority. ⚠️

This gif of Carl makes me want to scream 😆

——————————————————————

Your POV:

It was known that life wasn’t fair.

It never was and it never would be.

It seemed like I could never catch a break.

Once life actually seemed good, something would come and fuck it up.

This time depression decided to fuck it up.

I’ve always suffered with it, but this time it was different. It was always manageable and short before but now, it was longer and harder to deal with.

The overwhelming fear that I wasn’t good enough and that everyone around me hated me was way stronger than it’s ever been.

Normally reading, writing, painting, or listening to music would help but I was too in my head this time.

I couldn’t get out.

Thought after thought filled my head as I held the small cold razor in my right hand.

It wasn’t the first time unfortunately.

It was some sort of relief. At the time that is.

Small droplets of blood run down my left forearm, the pain allowing for a small relief that I’ve been needing.

That relief is short lived when the thoughts come swarming back to my head.

Oh no not again.

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t manage to get rid of the nasty thoughts.

Just one more.

One turned into two which then turned into three.

At that point I gave up. Not on life but on that form of relief.

It was only harming me not helping me.

I stand up from the toilet seat washing off the razor and my arm being careful of the fresh cuts.

The sting makes me wince as the water runs over my skin.

I turn the water off heading back to my room to change and hide the razor.

Spotting a grey long sleeve shirt I swap it out for my current t- shirt. Finding a pair of black, pink sweatpants I put them on taking my shorts off beforehand.

The heat from the shirt and pants envelops me making me feel happy.

I was no longer cold due to the weather that somehow only happens at night around here.

Lately things at home haven’t been the best. My parents are almost never home anymore. They never really cared about me in the first place.

I pick up my phone checking the time that shows up in big font.

11:43 PM.

My mind still runs as I check my recent notifications hoping and praying that Carl texted.

He didn’t.

Carl and I have been best friends for years. We met in school of course.

To be honest I have no idea why he wanted to be friends with me. I’m the complete opposite of him.

He doesn’t seem to care though.

Yes he does he thinks you’re annoying that mean voice in my head sneers.

That’s not true.. right?

Those thoughts plague my mind sending me into a whirlwind of emotions. How pathetic am I to be easily persuaded by a single thought in my head?

The panic in my chest starts to rise signaling the worst thing that could be happening right now.

Fuck.

Immediately I find Carl’s contact, pressing the call button.

Placing the phone to my ear with a shaky hand, I try to take deep breaths.

After the fourth ring he picks up.

“Hello?” He says in a groggy voice.

Shit. I woke him up.

“Hi um” I start before stopping my sentence as I feel a lump form in my throat.

“Hey you okay?” Carl asks on the other side picking up on my hesitation.

“I um. I-is it okay if I um. Come over” I stutter pinching my eyes together trying not to break down.

“Yeah of course, I’ll wait for you outside” he says, shuffling being heard from his side of the phone.

“T-thank you” I say starting to head for my front door.

“I’ll be here” he reassures before hanging up.

I place my phone in my pocket opening the front door. Shutting the door behind me I start for the Gallagher house.

It’s probably a good thing I live a few houses down from him.

The dark cold outside fills around me. The cold somehow creeping through my warm clothes.

Walking fast down the sidewalk, the panic in my chest starts to worsen making my head fog up and my heart rate pick up.

Carls figure appears a few houses away. His body sitting on the steps to his house as he looks out at the road the street light illuminating his face just the right way.

Without even realizing it my pace quickens hoping that I wouldn’t start breaking down in the middle of the neighborhood.

As I get closer and closer the tightness in my lungs starts making it harder for me to breathe.

Shit.

Tears sting my eyes when I reach his calm yet slightly worried appearance.

He immediately gets up noticing me standing in front of him.

Without a word he leads me up the stairs and into his warm and cozy home.

Home.

This felt like home.

The tears in my eyes start to fall as the panic attack starts to take control. Normally I’d be able to stop an upcoming attack before it starts but this one was way to strong.

“Shit y/n” Carl whispers shocked at my sudden emotions. He quickly pulls my body towards the couch as tears run down my cheeks.

It was embarrassing to have him see me like this. Even though we’ve been friends for years, I’ve never been the type to express my feelings openly. I’ve never cried in front of him before.

There’s a first for everything right?

He holds my face in his hands, worry lacing over his beautiful features.

Sobs rack through my body as it gets harder and harder to breathe.

“I can’t b-breathe” I hiccup placing a shaky hand on my rapidly beating heart.

Fear starts to push into my mind.

Not the typical fears.

The tightness in my chest and the lack of air going into my lungs was starting to scare me.

Was I dying?

“Look at me” Carl says trying to get my focus on him. His hand taps my leg enough to get my attention but not enough to scare me.

Everything around me starts to spin making it extremely difficult to focus.

“Y/n look at me” he tries again this time moving my head in his direction griping my chin slightly.

My eyes lock with his, my entire body feeling like it’s gonna give out any second. “Follow my breathing” he says moving my hands to his stomach so that I could feel the rhythm of his breathing.

The rise and fall of his stomach underneath my hands calms me the slightest bit. It’s not enough to stop my internal and external freak out though.

He takes a few deep breaths keeping his hands on mine. His eyes hold contact with mine the entire time. Not in a creepy way of course but more in a concerned way.

Inhale

Exhale

I try to do what he’s doing, failing a few times.

Inhale

Exhale

My heart beats a mile per minute, my mind still racing.

Inhale

Exhale

My breathing starts to get better as I follow his lead.

Inhale

Exhale

I open my eyes for what felt like the first time. No more cloudy eyes filled with tears.

Inhale

Exhale

My heart beat starts to slow down the more I match my breathing.

Inhale

Exhale

The panic attack comes to a slow close, my body feeling drained of any stamina it originally had.

That was the worst panic attack I’ve ever had.

“Good” Carl comments making it known to me that he’s relieved that I’m no longer freaking out. Squeezing my hands in his slowly taking them away from his stomach he gives me a small yet sad smile.

I could tell he wanted to ask me about it but I know he didn’t want to push. Considering the fact that this was the first time I’ve cried in front of him, he was smart enough to know that I wouldn’t immediately talk about it.

My mind starts to clear giving me that much needed silence in my head. The silence I only seem to get with him.

I bow my head a few stray tears falling from my eyes.

“I’m sorry” I whisper, the embarrassment starting to show through.

Everything I’ve bottled up has presented itself to the one person I didn’t think would be there to see it.

“Hey, hey” he says lifting my head wiping the tears from my face.

“Don’t ever be sorry for something you can’t control” he frowned looking into my slightly glossy eyes.

His green eyes stare deeply into mine with an emotion I didn’t quite know. His face shows so many emotions that tell me exactly how he feels about the situation. He seems more shocked and worried than anything.

I nod my head silently saying okay even though I was gonna continue saying sorry even in times where I did nothing wrong. That’s just me though.

After a few seconds of us sitting in silence, he reaches over to the coffee table grabbing the remote before turning the tv on. He slightly lays down urging me to lay down as well.

Grateful that he decided to leave it, I lean down next to him making sure I don’t get in his way.

“Want to watch something specific?” He asks turning to me pointing the remote towards me.

“Um. I don’t know” I answer looking down at my arms. My left sleeve had risen to the point where the fresh cuts underneath where showing. I pull my sleeve further down my arm quickly enough to make sure Carl didn’t see.

I was to busy worrying about my sleeve that I didn’t notice the fact that Carl was starting at me the entire time. With him staring at me meant him also starting at my exposed arm.

I didn’t pull my sleeve down fast enough.

He saw my arm before I could even blink.

His expression changed when I turned back towards him. This time he was more sad and discouraged.

“Oh y/n/n” he sighed leaning up so that he was closer to me.

He takes my arms in his hands slowly lifting both my sleeves up.

The right arm only had a few scattered scars from a while ago, but the fresh cuts on my left arm show in full display, a few of them still slightly bleeding.

He runs the tips of his middle and pointer finger around the cuts focusing on the sight in front of him. The small action causes goosebumps to rise on my arms.

“Why?” He questions lightly going over the cuts now. He was hesitant when asking one of the questions that I’ve been dreading since my depression started.

I’ve been hiding my emotions and my thoughts for so long that everything that should be let out is bottling up in my mind.

I trusted Carl with everything in me. I’ve always been scared to share my thoughts in fear that no one would care or they’d say that I’m an attention seeker. All of this comes from past trauma that has kicked my ass in the past and still does now.

It was time for me to tell him. He’s come to me in the worst times of his life crying at my shoulder. It was time to allow myself to do the same.

“I needed a release” I start, clearing the silence in the air.

He looks up at me a mixture of surprise and sadness knowing that I was about to open up about everything going on.

“My mind won’t shut up. I have these overwhelming fears that everyone around me hates me. That you find me annoying. That I’m not good enough” I explain looking at him for his reaction.

“There’s a lot more shit that I still need to talk about but I think for right now this is a good start” I say showing a tight lipped smile.

His eyes soften at my explanation.

“I don’t find you annoying at all. You are the only person I like talking to other than my family” he says moving his hands back down to mine.

“Truth is. I’ve had a crush on you since we met. I just never had the guts to admit it” he says rubbing small circles into my hands.

Relief and delight fills my body at his sudden confession. Relief that he wasn’t judging me for my thoughts and delight because the crush I’ve had on him for years was reciprocated.

I smile at him squeezing his hand “I’ve had a crush on you too.”

A smile graces his face now at my confession. He wraps his arms around my upper body pulling me towards his chest.

I feel myself melt at his touch as the sensation of calm runs through my veins.

I wrap my arms around his neck, my head finding it way to his chest. Our heartbeats quickens a bit at the interaction.

He kisses the top of my head making sure that I know he’s sincere about his confession before pulling back from the embrace.

“Let’s get you cleaned up” he says standing up from the couch. He reaches his hand out to me wanting me to take it.

“Okay” I smile taking his hand, standing up with a little bit of his help.

My body is still shaky which means my legs feel like jelly underneath me. Exhaustion still evident within me.

He leads me to the kitchen taking his hand out from mine when we reach the counter top and the sink.

I clear a spot on the counter before I hop up on it, waving my legs back and forth like a child.

He grabs a cup filling it with water handing it to me.

“Drink this” he demands handing me the cup while trying to sound stern even though he’s gone soft for me.

“Don’t go acting all mean on me now” I chuckle taking a sip of the cool water.

“I’ll be back” he laughs shaking his head at my statement. He walks up the stairs and out of my sight leaving me to sit with my almost clear mind.

I take a few more sips of my drink as I wait for him to get back.

A few minutes later he walks back down the stairs holding a first aid kit.

“Sorry I took so long, I couldn’t find it at first. There’s so much shit in this house that everything I see is lost the next day” he snickers examining the box in his hands.

I laugh as he sets it on the counter to the left of my body. He opens the box searching through the contents to find the things he needed.

He grabs some ointment and some alcohol spray, placing them off to the side. He then grabs bandage wrap placing that to the side as well.

Walking over to the laundry he picks out a dish rag walking it back over to the sink. He runs the water over half the rag making sure that that water is rung out.

“Ready?” He asks moving to my left side.

“Your not doing surgery on me right?” I ask trying my best to sound concerned for my safety.

I laugh a little to try and lighten the mood considering the circumstances i got him involved in.

He laughs as well placing the cold wet rag on my forearm. Focusing on what he’s doing he gently runs the rag along my arm making sure to clean up any blood or dirt that has built up around the cuts.

The more he looks at it the more I can tell it’s starting to affect him. His once smiley face turned serious as time went on.

“Promise me you won’t do this again” he pleads taking his eyes off my arm. He looks up at me with pleading eyes.

“I promise” I say giving him a genuine reassuring look that both me and him need.

It’s hard to make a promise that you don’t know if you’ll keep, but I know that if I do break the promise he would understand. Of course I’m gonna do everything in my power to never do this again.

His eyes light up at my promise making him smile. Seeing him happy about my promise makes me even more determined to not break it.

Using the dry side of the rag he dries up my arm, placing the rag into the sink for someone else in the house to take care of it.

He grabs the spray from off the counter uncapping it and pointing it towards my arm.

“This is gonna sting” he says spraying it onto the fresh cuts. The stinging sensation flows through my arm making me wince slightly.

It wasn’t the worst pain in the world but you could definitely feel it.

He quickly finished up with the spray giving me a sympathetic look as he caps the spray and puts it back onto the counter.

He looks back down at my arm grabbing the ointment unscrewing the lid.

He applies small amounts on my arm before rubbing it over the cuts with a gentle touch I never thought he’d have.

That alone makes my heart flutter.

I stare at him with loving eyes as he cleans his fingers off and grabs the bandage wrap. He starts to wrap my arm with the bandage making sure that it’s tight enough that It won’t fall off but not tight enough for it to cut off my circulation.

“There, all done” he smiles placing everything back into the kit shutting it closed.

I smile before looking down at my bandage wrapped arm. The white wrap goes around almost my entire forearm. The sight makes it look like I belong in a psych ward.

That thought makes me frown knowing what I did to myself.

I didn’t deserve that.

He didn’t deserve that.

“Hey” Carl says gaining my attention. I look up in his direction as he moves in between my legs.

“It’s okay” he says placing his hands on my hips. He looks at me with soft eyes.

The tears in my eyes start to fall down my face again. I quickly wipe them away trying to make it seem like I wasn’t just crying in front of him.

Carl takes my face in his hands rubbing my cheeks with each of his thumbs. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t open up to me” he says keeping his eyes trained on mine.

“I know you don’t like talking about your feelings but it’s obvious whatever’s going on is hurting you. I don’t want you feeling hurt” he whispers the last part tears of his own starting to form.

“Carl please don’t cry” I say lifting my hands to his face so that I could wipe underneath his eyes. He moves his hands from my face down to my hips again lightly squeezing the fat that is there.

“Things at home haven’t been the greatest” I start about to tell my whole life story to him.

He stares at me intently urging me to continue my words as he rubs my hip bones with his thumbs.

“My parents were never around. I practically raised myself my entire life. Anytime they were home they would constantly yell at each other” I say looking at him then looking around the room.

“I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety ever since I was 9 or 10” I confess. His eyebrows furrow at the age I said. That was a year or so before me and him met.

“It hasn’t been to bad to deal with. I can deal with it on my own, but this time it was worse” I bow my head feeling slightly ashamed at the fact that I couldn’t control it.

“I didn’t think I could go through this one alone so I came here” i finish as I look around the house. The safe proximity helping me feel okay.

I look back to him waiting to hear a response. He looks at me with big eyes and a small sad smile.

Out of nowhere he leans his head forward capturing my lips in a passionate and sweet kiss.

The kiss is soft and filled with the emotions running through his head.

My stomach explodes with butterflies, our lips move in sync with each other.

He keeps his hands on my hips this time squeezing them a little bit more than before.

A little out of breath we pull away our foreheads leaning against each other.

“Im so sorry if I gave you a reason to not trust me with everything you’ve gone through” he whispers to me touching his nose to mine.

“Carl” I start looking into his eyes. “Please don’t let yourself think that I don’t trust you. I trust you more than I trust anyone else in my life” I say.

“From now on I will talk to you anytime something happens. I won’t bottle things up anymore” I promise him taking my forehead away from his.

He smiles at me before wrapping his arms around my shoulders while mine wrap around his waist.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to kiss you” he chuckles resting his head on top of mine.

“Trust me. Me too” I smile leaning my head up to kiss the side of his jaw. He looks down at me a huge smile crossing his face.

“This definitely isn’t the right time but is it wrong for me to say that you kissing my jaw is a huge turn on” he says pulling away from our hug.

“Oh really” I smirk purposefully moving my hands to his waist so that I could pull him closer.

“Want me to prove it” he asks maneuvering his hands along my thighs dangerously close to where he wanted to be the most.

I would be lying if I said this wasn’t turning me on as well but instead of giving in I decided to be a tease.

“Nah I’m good thanks though” I say nonchalantly jumping down from the counter grabbing my glass that previously had water in it.

“You son of a bitch” Carl says looking at me as if I spit at him. Putting my glass under the faucet I turn it on filling the glass back up with water.

I point my left middle finger at him while I take a large sip of the water.

He looks at me in disbelief his eyes slightly wide.

I’ve never been like this before but I guess now I’m gonna show every part of me that he never knew.

“So that’s how you want to play huh?” He asks moving closer to me. He has a smug look on his face like he’s about to pounce at any moment.

“Don’t you dare” I say placing my glass down before backing away from him slowly.

He continues moving forward trapping me in the corner of the sink and the refrigerator.

Suddenly running towards me he picks me up making me squeal.

I wrap my legs around his waist while my arms wrap around his neck trying to make sure I don’t fall.

He laughs placing his hands around my back. He spins me around in a circle keeping a strong grip around me.

“I like this position” he comments earning a slap to the side of the head from me. “Stop it” I laugh wrapping my arms around his neck again.

He walks us to the living room lightly throwing me down onto the couch before landing on top of me.

He leans up to place a short kiss to my lips before turning the tv back on to a random channel.

He switches through a few channels before giving up. There wasn’t anything good on since it was practically the middle of the night.

It was some sort of animal channel but we didn’t care.

We only cared about each other.

He cuddled up to my chest pulling my sleeves back down my arms to my hands knowing it was annoying me.

I play with his hair as both of us start to loose touch of reality and start to blink back sleep.

Tonight’s actions run through my head one last time before I fall asleep with him cuddled up to me.

I hope every day includes special moments like what we had tonight.

——————————————————————

A/n: Every imagine I see they say Carl has blue eyes. When I looked it up on google it said that he had green eyes. So that’s what I went with. Hope you liked the imagine :) I had a great time writing it.

#carl gallagher #imagine #carl gallagher x reader #shameless #mental health #sh trigger warning #fluff

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its-time-to-write · 10 months

Text

Hi y’all! This is my last unprompted angsty fic for a little! Gonna go back to our usually scheduled hijinks that are sitting in my request pile, I wanted to do this one first. I write all these as a way to deal with things that happen in my own life, whether it’s stressing about school and work, stupid romance, great romance, family, health, whatever, and I wanted to say (yet again) thank you for all the support. Sometimes I still can’t believe that you all like what I write but hey, there ya go

It’s funny, because my most popular fics are the ones that have been written directly out of my actual life. The ones that start out hard-to-deal-with, or with real, palpable heartbreak. The endings are often different because real life isn’t guaranteed a happy ending, but I’m allowed to take the past and see what it would be like if things went differently.

My characterization of Jamie is based on the only person I’ve ever really loved, which is why I can write his voice so clearly. I first watched Ted Lasso and was surprised at how similar they were, stupid hair and all. A lot of these fics are my way of archiving our story and immortalizing parts of it, as well as reminding myself that the love was there. It didn’t last and it wasn’t supposed to, but it was there.

Now, what’s real and what’s fiction? I’ll leave that up to you to decide, but I will say that it’s more than you might think and less than you might hope for.

So if you read this current fic and think, “huh, that was a really specific premise,” well I got news for you! It is. I’m in the first part of my journey on this, the early stages, and this story is not the way I want things to go for me. But I’m hoping that by creating a good ending out of a rough beginning, I can better face whatever lies ahead for me whether I approach it on my own two feet or with the assistance of some really sick wheels.

Anyway, enjoy this or skip it, it won’t hurt my feelings!

how to love being alive

Jamie’s at training when he gets the call. He barely registers the words on the other side when he’s cursing something awful, enough to make Roy Kent blush, and saying something about an emergency before speeding out the door. He pauses for a moment to look up an address in his phone, then he’s tearing out of the parking lot in a manner that puts Colin to shame.

To summarize, he’s not acting like himself.

He pulls up to a chiropractor of all places and the girl at the front desk must be able to tell who he’s here for because she just points to a door down the hall. Jamie’s pretty sure he’s never moved this quick in his life and wonders if this could translate to the pitch. Sure he’s fast, but he could always be faster.

He bursts through the door to see you borderline catatonic, staring at the floor while a doctor pats your arm. She looks at Jamie and says, “Let’s chat for a minute outside,” before he has a chance to say a single thing. Jamie can’t tear his eyes away from you as the doctor leads him out and shuts the door.

“Thought emergency contacts were for like, hospitals and shit,” he says.

The chiropractor shakes her head. Jamie notes that her name tag says “Dr. Hadley,” and has a vague memory of you mentioning her a few months ago.

God, it feels like a lifetime ago.

“We’re not confident she’s in a fit state to get herself home,” Dr. Hadley says. “Her headspace is a little messed up, which is to be expected. Usually people come to these types of appointments with some moral support.”

Jamie asks, “What kinds of appointments?” and Dr. Hadley tilts her head at him.

“You are Mr. Tartt, aren’t you?” she asks and Jamie just scoffs because he can’t decide between responding obviously, or telling her no, he’s not Mr. Tartt, that’s his father. He’s just Jamie.

Dr. Hadley knows who he is because she doesn’t live in a hole in the ground, so she doesn’t ask for identification. She takes his scoff as permission to keep talking, so she says, “She’s here for her MRI results. We’ve been in the process of treating a protrusion on her spine.”

Jamie is positive everyone in this office must think he’s on drugs because Dr. Hadley is talking like he’s supposed to know this, but for the life of him he knows you’d never said a thing.

“Your girlfriend has been in a severe amount of pain over the last few months, and we’ve finally been able to see the extent of the problem. Apparently she thought it would just go away, but it never did. So now she’s here with us.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Jamie says automatically. Because it’s true, innit? You’re not. You’ve been broken up for a month because he couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t take the irritation at attending his matches and the tossing and turning in bed at night and the fact that you were wound so tight that you’d snap at the most minor offenses.

You hadn’t been surprised when Jamie said he couldn’t do it anymore, it’s over, and at the time he had wished that you’d shown just a tiny sliver of emotion. After all, a year and two months is a long time to be with someone for you to coldly slide him his key and then turn away as though he were a stranger.

He could have sworn there was a glimmer of tears in your eyes, but they’d looked that way for a bit now so maybe it was just allergies. There’s no reason for you to have been in the verge of tears for the entire month before the breakup, right?

Right.

But he can’t think about that now because Dr. Hadley is frowning at him in a way that so comically reminds him of Roy’s sister that he has to bite back a laugh.

Everything’s all twisted.

“I certainly hope your split was amicable,” Dr. Hadley says. “You’re the only one listed as her emergency contact. She needs someone to get her home safely.”

“Right,” says Jamie. “Yes. Fuck. Right. Um, what exactly is wrong with her?”

Dr. Hadley shakes her head. “That’s her personal information to share with you at her prerogative. And we should probably go see her, I’m sure she doesn’t want to be alone for long.”

Jamie snorts at that. This doctor doesn’t know you at all. If you’ve received any type of bad news the last thing you want is people hanging around.

Jamie used to pride himself on being the only one you’d let into the bad-new bubble.

You don’t count with those other people, you’d said once while wrapped around Jamie so tight he thought he’d have to call Ted to bring a crowbar. You said, I don’t have to pretend around you. I don’t ever get tired of you.

Jamie bitterly thinks that that statement turned out to be a lie, but he shakes it off because you’ve only been separated a month, and apparently he’s still your emergency contact for a doctor he didn’t know you had been seeing and fuck if you didn’t look like the most pitiful thing he’d ever seen. He’ll pretend it’s ok for as long as it takes to get you home and comfortable, and then he’s calling this office to get his number switched off.

So he follows Dr. Hadley back into the room as she softly says your name in order to break whatever trance has you studying the carpet like your final exam is in ten minutes.

You can barely look at her as she whispers something about going home and being gentle, to which you nod and finally look at Jamie.

He wonders if you recognize him, because the stare you have is so vacant that you might as well be looking at a stranger.

“Is she on drugs?” he asks because it looks like you’re on drugs.

Dr. Hadley shakes her head and holds out her arm to help you up. “No, she’s just in a lot of pain. And emotional distress. It’s a killer combo, and she’ll need extra gentle handling for a while. No sitting for too long, no bending, no lifting. There’s a back support at the front desk for you to take.”

Jamie thinks he hears something pointed in the way Dr. Hadley says, extra gentle. What, like he doesn’t know how bad an injury can take you out? He’s in the Premier League for fuck’s sake. He knows how to deal with a strained muscle.

Dr. Hadley transfers your arm over to Jamie’s so smoothly that he barely understands what’s happening as she ushers you both out the door, thrusting a small foam roll into Jamie’s free hand.

“For lumbar support,” she says. “Won’t help much, but it’s better than nothing.”

Jamie’s pretty sure he’s said thanks as you climb in the car and then he’s in the drivers seat and it’s dead quiet.

“Right,” he says to the silence. “What the fuck.”

You’re picking at your nails something fierce. Jamie has to fight the urge to take your hand in his. A month of separation is not long enough for this shit.

“Can you just drive?” you ask in a broken voice. “I don’t want to be sitting for longer than I have to.”

There’s a new pitch in your voice, one Jamie’s never heard before, so he doesn’t argue. He doesn’t turn on the radio or a playlist or a podcast or anything, just drives in silence. He knows if it’s quiet long enough, you’ll talk.

He’s the opposite. He doesn’t need time to crack wide open, just a kind touch or a soft glance and he’s an open book. He was always shocked how early into your relationship you’d figured that out. A soft, “What’s on your mind, Jaim?” and he was unloading about whatever stress or fear he had.

He’s two minutes away from your flat when you break the silence. “I have gradual onset paralysis,” you say in a voice devoid of emotion. “‘Gradual onset’ means it happens over time. Paralysis means, well…paralysis.”

Jamie can hear what you’re saying and he understands it, but what catches him is the way you’re like nothing more than a hollow body. Not cracking a joke, not picking a fight. Just- empty.

Jamie says a long and drawn out “Fuuuckk,” because what else can you say? It’s not really his business to comfort you or to pry, except he’s the one the doctor called, so he allows himself one question.

“How did it happen?”

Last he knew, you were healthy as a horse.

“Two disks in my spine popped,” you reply, still in that same awful emotionless voice. “They’re not really sure how, could’ve been any number of things. Anyway, it got into my nerves. And my spinal cord. And it’s messing things up and it’s only going to get worse. The scans were to see if they could operate, because sometimes you can remove the shards. Or whatever it is. But I guess they can’t, because if they tried I’d definitely be paralyzed. So all I can do now is be in pain and wait for my legs to shut down.”

Jamie doesn’t know how to respond to any of that but he’s saved from thinking of an adequate response because he’s at your flat.

It was smart of you not to sell it when you’d moved in with Jamie. He wonders if you knew the breakup was inevitable.

He hops out and opens the door like a gentleman, offering his hand like he’s some Mr. Darcy-type shit, except you had both agreed that Roy was Mr. Darcy and he was Bingley. So it doesn’t fit at all except as soon as you’re done clutching his hand so you can get out without unnecessary pain, his hand flexes itself like he’s in that damn movie.

It wasn’t even a conscious choice, just a thing his hand decided to do, and he definitely thinks he’s going to have to talk to Ted about this. Or maybe Sam. Sam knows shit and is good at empathy. Maybe he’ll know what to say when your ex-girlfriend tells you she’s not going to walk ever again.

Jamie follows you to the door as you fiddle with the lock and push it open with a sigh. For a moment he doesn’t know if he should go inside, but it smells like honey and cinnamon because it’s the beginning of fall and he thinks that he should at least make sure you’ll be alright.

He notices you’re moving weird. All stiff, like. You’re trying to get an icepack out of the freezer but you can’t maneuver in a way that’s comfortable so Jamie grabs it and hands it to you.

You mumble, “Thanks,” and Jamie catches a glimpse of the perpetual glimmer in your eye.

“D’you need me to call someone?” he asks. “I can get Keeley down here. Or fucking… Ted. Or Colin.” He doesn’t say Sam, because he needs Sam. He can’t talk to Sam if he’s here with you.

You shake your head. Jamie wonders if it hurts to talk, but he remembers how much you hate the sound of your voice when you’re crying.

You take a slow, shallow breath to collect yourself. “I’m ok,” you finally say. “Not much anyone can do, and you’ve got training. I- I didn’t know they’d call you. I still have to switch your number with someone else. I’m probably going to ask Keeley since my family’s still far away.”

“Right,” Jamie says. Not much else to say. Except-

“You were seeing that bone doctor when we were together, and you didn’t fucking say anything?”

It’s accusatory and he knows it, but he can’t for the life of him say it kinder. Ted’s always on about communication and shit, and that is not communication.

You shuffle over to the couch and use it to help you lay face down in the floor. The icepack is precariously balanced on the small of your back.

“Didn’t know how to tell you,” comes your muffled voice. “Least, I figured out how to tell you too late. What was I gonna say, ‘Sorry I’ve been a complete bitch to you for four weeks, I’ve got shit floating around in my spine that makes me hurt so bad I want to die?’ Sounds fucking stupid.”

Jamie wants to say, Swear jar because it’s a long-standing joke, but he catches the words right before they reach the tip of his tongue.

“You could’ve said something,” he replies instead. “Chronic pain’s shit. It’s really shit and it makes you act like shit to the people you care about. It’s not an excuse, but it’s a reason.” As the words are coming out of his mouth, Jamie is reminded of a time when the roles were reversed, and you were giving him the “excuse versus reason,” speech.

You’d said, You’re dad’s an abusive prick, Jamie. Makes sense that you’d have a lot of negative emotions.

Fuck, if only you’d said something sooner. Maybe this would be something that you’d be cracking jokes about, or Jamie would be holding your hand, or he’d be laying right next to you as he runs his fingers through your hair.

But your muscles spasm so that thought gets banished as you bite on your forearm in an effort not to yell.

“Fucking hell,” Jamie says. “I don’t think you’re sorted on your own. I’m calling Ted.”

He walks to the other room so he can pretend he can’t hear your protests.

—

Ted leaves training to Roy, Beard, and Nate. What’s the point in having four coaches if one of ‘em can’t leave for family emergencies?

Sure, you’re not actually family, but that’s Ted for you. He doesn’t do casual friendships.

Jamie is out the door like a shot as soon as Ted knocks with a “Sorry, coach,” that Ted barely has a chance to wave off.

Ted doesn’t say much once he’s inside, just rambles on about training and Kansas and Henry. He’s clattering around in your kitchen and you can’t find it in yourself to care what he’s doing so you just keep laying on the floor, willing your back to stop hurting.

Finally, he comes over and sets down a smoothie in a short glass with a straw.

“It’s so you can drink it without moving,” he explains.

“I don’t think I can do this,” you say more to the couch legs than to Ted.

He sighs from where he’s crouched down next to you. “You don’t really have a choice, darlin’. You have to do this. The question is, are you gonna go through it alone?”

You shrug as best as you’re able.

“Wrong answer,” says Ted, standing up. “You’ve got a whole crew of people here who are gonna root for you and support you with whatever you need. All you got to do is ask, sweetheart.”

Ah, fuck, you’re crying again and Ted can definitely tell because your shoulders are shaking. He’s pretty sure you’d want to save face so he stands up and says, “Beard’s coming over after training. Says he wants to figure out how to modify your house for a wheelchair or something. Thought I’d make us all dinner so we’re not so hangry when he mentions taking an ax to anything.”

The mental image of Coach Beard chopping down your stairs is enough to make you smile a little through your tears.

—

Waiting is really shitty. Like, really shitty. Every day is the same thing: tingly legs, shooting pains, phantom cramps. The worst was when Dani and Richard were over and you stood up to get something from the fridge, and your legs decided at that moment to lose feeling. You panicked with your arms held out for balance as you swayed back and forth for a moment, willing your feet to fucking move. They did, but not before Dani and Richard were on you in a flash, ready to catch you if you fell.

“Well that was weird,” you joke in an effort to cut the tension. They laugh, but you still catch their worried glance.

“You do not have to put on a brave face for us,” Dani says. “If you want to joke, we will joke. But if you want to cry, we will cry too.”

“You can cry,” Richard says, “I will just pour more wine.”

You laugh. There’s been a steady stream of Greyhounds at your flat for the last week and a half. Everyone and their mother (quite literally) has come by to see you. Your own parents were coming in a week to stay indefinitely while you sorted things out.

You wonder if it’s easier to lose control of your legs slowly or all at once? On the one hand, you at least have notice. But on the other hand, the long, drawn-out waiting feels like slow torture. Every day you wake up from restless sleep and experimentally wiggle your toes. Every day, you check off one more box on your mental calendar as you count down to a date that doesn’t even properly exist.

The only person who hasn’t visited is Jamie. You don’t blame him, though. Keeley’s come round almost every single day and has been successfully switched to your emergency contact. She’s the one you’re calling as soon as you discover you can’t move.

You’re pretty sure it’s getting closer. Your legs fall asleep more frequently and things are all numb. It’s like you know you’re in pain, but it’s not quite registering with your nerves.

It fucking sucks.

—

You don’t believe in intuition like spirits and all that, but you believe in it in that your brain can pick up things that you couldn’t if you were actually trying.

That’s why you’re pretty sure this is it.

Walking is pretty much a no-go right now, so you stiff-leg yourself to the couch and sprawl out as comfortably as you can.

You call Keeley, and she’s over in no time.

“Hi babes,” she says as soon as she’s through the door, “Can I call Rebecca for girls’s night?”

“Sure,” you say, “Might as well live it up.”

Keeley replies, “Great! She’ll be here in ten minutes,” and you laugh, really actually laugh, because of course Keeley’s already called her.

Rebecca swoops in all smiles and no sympathy which is great because if one more person pushes their lower lip out at you, you’re going to scream. She’s brought drinks and Keeley’s pulling out snacks and you’re going to talk and giggle until you fall asleep, ready for what the morning has.

“Is Shandy making a move on that one player?” Rebecca asks Keeley from the couch.

“Nah,” Keeley calls back, “He said he wasn’t interested right now. Still hung up, I think.”

“What player?” you ask. You know what Shandy’s like, and you feel for the poor guy.

Rebecca and Keeley are silent before Keeley says, “You wouldn’t know him.”

“Bullshit,” you reply. “I know everyone on that team and I know you haven’t signed anyone new recently. Is it Colin?”

Rebecca shakes her head and gives Keeley a look. Keeley shrugs. “You’re the one who brought it up, babes.”

Rebecca turns to you. “It’s Jamie,” she says. “She’s been trying to bag him ever since Zava showed up.”

You shake your head. “She’s not right for him. He deserves someone better than that.”

Keeley’s back from the kitchen and scrutinizing your expression. “And what exactly do you mean by better?” she asks.

You laugh. “Oh no, not me. I wasn’t talking about me. No, I’m not- he needs someone different. Like, I don’t know, Roy’s sister, maybe? She’s great and a doctor to boot. Very caring too.”

“You’re caring,” Keeley says slowly, “And anyway, Molly doesn’t like him like that. They’re just friends.”

“Hang on, are you putting yourself in the same bracket as Shandy?” Rebecca interjects.

You shrug. “I was a complete bitch the last month we were together. There’s no excuse for it. I’m just surprised he lasted as long as he did.”

“You were in fucking pain!” Keeley exclaims. “You said you weren’t sleeping and everything fucking hurt and you couldn’t even think straight.”

You grab a handful of candy from a bowl. “Keels, I appreciate the sentiment, but I majorly fucked it. Like, there’s no going back. So he can date whoever he wants as long as it’s not fucking Shandy. Can we please, please move on?”

Rebecca’s eyes are narrowed but they both acquiesce. “Keeley, what about your love life? I’m sure it’s boring as usual.”

Keeley shrieks and smacks her with a pillow. “Fuck off,” she replies. “I’ll have you know it’s going very well…”

—

You were right. You wake up still on the couch tangled in Keeley’s arms, and the standard toe-wiggle just… doesn’t happen. It’s quiet, the early morning type, the kind where the sunlight isn’t so harsh and birds are chirping softly and all of Richmond hasn’t quite got up to begin their day.

As you look at your unmoving toes, the first thing you feel is a rush of relief. The waiting’s over, you think.

You look over to the wheelchair that’s been leaning patiently against the wall all this time. Here’s the first day of forever. You’re in no rush for it to start, so you let Keeley’s little snores and Rebecca’s heavy breathing lull you back to sleep.

—

It’s definitely a learning curve. And it’s frustrating. And if one more person catches you crying out of sheer rage, you’re going to start throwing things. But like Ted said, you don’t really have a choice.

Your mom said, “The only way out is through,” then grinned at the murderous glare you shot her way. She opened her phone and pulled up a picture of you, age three. “Same lovely expression as always,” she remarks cheerfully. That cracks your frown. You always were a funny kid.

It takes a while to figure out how to get places. Keeley (the absolute angel) volunteered, but she’s busy with the PR firm and quite frankly, a little too delicate to help you into a car. You made the mistake of saying this exactly one time and because subject to a rant about how she’s “not weak, just PETITE FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!”

Roy had punctuated her argument with a couple “That’s fucking right, babe"s all while rolling his eyes behind her back. It made you giggle.

The general consensus was that at any given reasonable hour (or unreasonable if you’re Richard or Bumbercatch) a Greyhound or coach would be able to get you where you’re needed. And today, that place is Nelson Road.

“How often does Jamie come visit?” Jan Maas asks, straightforward as ever.

“Um, never,” you reply. “We broke up, remember?”

“Right,” agrees Jan Maas. “We all know that, I just assumed you had gotten back together.”

You laugh. How absurd. “And why on earth would you assume that?”

“Because he talks about you all the time,” comes his prompt reply.

Huh. That’s interesting. You haven’t received so much as a single emoji from Jamie, but hadn’t thought a thing of it. But this, this is strange. This does not fit into your idea of how broken up people act.

“Weird,” you say. “Wonder what the fuck that’s about.”

Jan Maas shrugs and moves to lift you from the car.

—

It’s weird to be at Nelson Road, number one because it’s been FOREVER, number two because you’re eye-level with all sorts of things you’d never noticed before (ahem, part of the wall Roy kicked that no one cared to patch up), and number three because the last time you were here, it was as Jamie Tartt’s girlfriend.

Jan holds open the door as you roll in, ready to face whatever lies in wait.

It turns out whatever is a very excited Ted and Beard as well as a neutral Roy who present you a coaching jacket and a whistle.

“You’re coaching with us today because that little rat bastard Nate went to the dark side,” Beard says.

You remark, “Tell us how you really feel,” earning a snort from Roy and a chuckle from Trent Crimm.

“Oh yeah,” Ted says, “this is Trent. He’s writing a book.”

“Cool,” you say, “but you do know I know jack shit about coaching?”

Beard shrugs. “Neither do we. Worked out pretty well so far.” That earns another snort from Roy.

“Right,” you say. “Well, I guess I’m up for anything.”

“You mean ‘down,’” says Ted. “Oh I’m sorry, is it too soon?”

“Never,” you reply. “It’s never too soon to make trauma-related puns and this world, it’s either laugh or cry. So fuck it, I’m going to laugh.”

“Fuck yes,” grunts Roy before turning on his heel to yell at the team to GET THE FUCK ON THE PITCH YOU LITTLE PRICKS!

—

You don’t do much except sit there and watch as the coaches yell and point and run drills. It’s a chore to remind yourself not to check out Jamie’s butt as he runs by so you start thinking not yours, not yours, like a mental mantra.

He’s not looking at you so you won’t look at him and you’re sure it won’t be a problem because there are so many people to look at and talk to, except lunch rolls around (haha) and you sit at the head of a table and Jamie’s on the bench right next to you. So. There goes the no eye-contact plan.

You take exactly two bites of your sandwich before thinking fuck this and pushing yourself back so you can roll away. You can just take the elevator to see Becca.

You’ve made it a good way down the hall when you hear Jamie calling your name while saying, “Wait,” so you move a little faster.

But it’s still new and you’re painfully reminded that arms are not legs so he catches you with ease.

“The fuck are you running away for?” he asks, and you want to point out that technically, you weren’t running. Metaphorically though, he’d be right.

“I’m not running,” you reply. “I was just going to see Rebecca.”

“Bullshit,” he says. “I know you, and that was running. Is it because of me?”

“No,” you say, and you realize how much you’ve been looking up today. Your fucking neck needs a break so you rub it and look straight ahead, past Jamie at a life-size decal of O’Brien on the opposite wall.

“Why would I be running away from you? You’re not- I’m the shitty ex in this situation. I’m the one who fucked things up, Jamie, so… you don’t have to like, pretend that it’s your problem. I actually think it would be better if you were just mad and avoided me instead of whatever the hell is currently happening.”

Jamie rubs his jaw. He should be exasperated, he should, but instead the gears in his mind are turning. A few words stick out to him and then it’s like the final puzzle piece has clicked into place.

“Hang on,” he says slowly. “Hold the fuck up. Did you mess things up on purpose?”

The moment the words are out of his mouth he wants to take them back and apologize, because there’s no way they’re actually true, except you have a look on your face that can only be described as guilty.

“Fuuckkk,” Jamie breathes out and you hurriedly interject, “It wasn’t intentional! At least, not at first. It started because I was irritable because I hurt a lot, and then I convinced myself that I was faking it so I got mad at myself for being a little liar. And then I couldn’t sleep because I hurt so bad and everything was making me uncomfortable so I started snapping at you. I noticed it pretty quick so I figured I’d get the pain checked out and sorted because I didn’t think pulled muscles were supposed to last this long. And it turned out that it wasn’t a pulled muscle but some of my disks were all weird, and then one day in between physical therapy and the chiropractor, I fell on my back and jostled everything wrong and it fucking popped.”

Jamie thinks he knows exactly when that was. He remembers you saying something about falling while walking to your car after work and him asking if you needed ice. It was at the tail end of things, and he’d taken your stiffness figuratively as opposed to literally. Like, you were acting all cold because you hated him, not because you couldn’t move.

“So,” you continue, “I just leaned into it. I mean, Dr. Hadley was only one of my doctors, but she’s the one who told me I- you know, could end up like this. She said if things popped and it got into my spinal cord or fluid or whatever and they couldn’t get it out, it was only a matter of time before it messed everything up. They only way to stop it at that point would be to not move so either way, I end up stuck.”

You half-sob, half-laugh. “I didn’t know how to tell you and I could tell you were already annoyed with me so I just decided to let it happen. You’re better off without me, anyway. I hate asking for help and I hate when people give me empathetic looks or what-fucking-ever, and I was going to have to ask you for a lot of help. You don’t even fucking have time for that, Jamie.”

Jamie is at a loss for words, and you’ve run out of things to say.

You stare at each other in the hallway by the elevator, breathing heavily. You’ve both triggered each other’s fight-or-flight response, and it seems you’re both down for a fight.

“Right,” Jamie says finally, “ok, yeah, ok. You didn’t tell me because you didn’t want me to have to deal with this?”

You nod.

“Right,” he says again. “That’s fucked up.”

You don’t respond and he looks at you closely. “You know that’s fucked up, yeah?”

You shrug.

“Jesus, babe.” Jamie runs his hands through his hair. He’s going to have to fix his headbands. “Alright,” he says yet again, “look. Dr. Sharon and me- we talk. And, you’re supposed to be able to talk to people about shit like this. Like, me playing football isn’t supposed to mean I don’t have time for the people I love. And if you’re feeling that way or if you’re hurting, you have to tell me so I don’t think you’re being all pissed off because you hate me. That’s the whole point of love, babe. You take care of each other’s shit.”

“Jamie, I can’t get places easily anymore. I can’t drive and I can’t go up steps. I will never be able to storm the pitch to kiss you or walk with you in Brazil. I get mad really easily because everything’s so fucking frustrating and I just want to punch something.” You shake your head. “You don’t deserve any of that. You need someone who can be there for you and isn’t a total pill to be around.”

“Are you fucking trying to push me away?” he asks.

“Yes!” you exclaim. “Obviously!”

“Well fucking don’t. You almost had me the first time, but good luck getting rid of me now.”

“Fine!”

“For fuck’s sake, just kiss,” groans Will, walking by with an armful of laundry.

“Fuck off, William!” you both say in unison and then Jamie’s on one knee, eye-level with you and brushing a thumb across your chin.

“Fucking hell, love,” he breathes. “You have to remember that you can talk to me, yeah? Just promise you’ll remember.”

You nod, unable to speak.

“Good,” he says. “We’re giving this another go. And if you can’t kiss me on the pitch, might as well do it here, yeah?”

#jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt fanfiction #jamie tartt imagine #jamie tartt x y/n #jamie tartt x you #jamie tartt #ted lasso

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sinner-sunflower · 3 months

Text

A HH Lucifer-centric AU 20/?

PART 1, PART 2, PART 3, PART 4, PART 5, PART 6, PART 7, PART 8, PART 9, PART 10, PART 11, PART 12, PART 13, PART 14, PART 15, PART 16, PART 17, PART 18, PART 19, PART 21, PART 22

Like ketchup. Slowly then all at once.

Radioapple!

--------------------------------------------------

Lucifer still feels like he's underwater, floating where the current takes him. He thinks he's dreaming because his eyes refuse to open all the way.

At least he isn't burning anymore.

It's mostly quiet, the only sound he can hear is the sloshing of the water.

It's calm. He doesn't know how long has it been since he's been calm in the quiet without company.

Once in a while though, he hears voices. The waves carry them in weird intervals and he tries very hard to think who is talking.

'You'll be okay, Luci.'

'I'll do everything to make you comfortable and back to full health.'

'AN HONOR TO SERVE YOU, SIRE. DO GET BETTER. I SHALL GIVE YOU THE BEST SERVANT THE GOETIA CAN PROVIDE.'

'Big bro, if you wake up now, I'll give you a lifetime supply of my juice!'

'Okay fine, I'll change Looloo Land's name fo real, yeah?'

'You need to meet Fizzie still, Luci.'

'Don't worry sir! I didn't touch a single duck in your room when I cleaned it. No more bugs though!'

'Zestial and I give our deepest gratitude in behalf of the overlords, Your Majesty.'

'Charlie is a fast learner.'

'Oh, Your Majesty, do wake up. I don't think I can take any more of Alastor's not-rambling. I love me some romance but whooowee, a woman has her limits, yknow!'

'I don't think I can eva' thank ya enough fo' setting me free, short king.'

'Pretty badass, your kingness.''

'I want to get to know you still sir.'

'Darling, do come back to me now. I miss you so. And do not listen to any of Rosie's lies.'

'Dad, please wake up. I need you.'

The last voice caused the calm waters to turn into a whirlpool and he feels himself being pulled down. A bright light appears in front of him, illuminating the deep, dark waters. And for a moment, just a moment, he thinks- no it couldn't be;

He reaches out a hand to touch but as soon as it did, he was propelled to the surface.

Lucifer wakes up slowly and then all at once. The King blinks in confusion and trying to get his eyesight to clear. A blurry figure of white is the first to greet him; no face but it's smiling?

'Father?'

Charlie: Dad!

Huh?

Lucifer: Charlie?

He winces at the state of his voice. Did he scream himself sore? He tries remembering what happened and-

The roots.

Roo.

A ritual.

Charlie.

Hell.

Sloth.

Goodie.

The deal.

A prophecy.

A sudden pain stabbed his head which caused him to groan.

Lucifer: Shit!

He forces himself to sit up just to relieve it a little. A rubbing hand on his back grounds him a bit. Looking up, he came face-to-face with his daughter. His sweet, lovely, Charlie.

Charlie: Woah, Dad. Take it easy. Here have water and some pain meds. Aunt Bel left it here just in case.

He doesn't need to be told twice as he took the pill, noting the bitter taste in his mouth. Pride be damned (ha! get it?), he just wants the pain to go away.

Charlie is still fussing and talking a million miles per hour and Lucifer doesn't have the heart to make her stop even though his head is about to split in half.

Maybe Charlie will forgive him if he snaps right now. Thankfully that doesn't happen as a new person comes to enter his room.

Alastor: Charlie, dear, I think your father would appreciate a quieter room.

Charlie: - Oh, Al! Right! Sorry, dad.

Lucifer: It's okay, applepie. Can you also dim the lights a bit?

Alastor: Charlie, might I ask of you to get food for your father? There should be some leftovers still.

Charlie: O-oh I- Sure, Al! Be right back, dad!

As soon as she left, Alastor moves to Lucifer's bedside. Lucifer follows his movements and only then does the King realize the insane amount of flowers taking up every space in his room. And then he realized that Alastor has some in his hands too.

Lucifer: What's all this?

Alastor: Why, tokens from your loved ones and dearest citizens. These ones are of mine.

The Radio Demon points at the golden Marigolds. Lucifer observes the other flowers and sees that every bunch has atleast a few Marigolds tucked in them.

Did.. did Alastor put them there so he could have the most flowers given? What a possessive bastard.

His endearment must be obvious in his face because Alastor huffed- freaking huffed!

Alastor: Whatever you are thinking, it is simply nonsense.

Lucifer puts his hands up in a mock surrender.

Lucifer: I didn't say anything.

Alastor: Good.

Alastor can be so cute when he wants (or not want?) to be. His lover? partner? Yeah, partner, sits down by his side, letting Lucifer lean onto his shoulder.

He's not soft like Lilith but Lucifer feels just as content. The sin of Pride stares at his arms that is now covered in runes he doesn't understand, no longer just plain black. Roo really did a number on him- her powers were far too strong it basically altered his appearance. He's more demon now than he was ever an angel. He doesn't know how to feel about that.

Alastor: Some things are to be discussed, right, Your Majesty?

Lucifer: Mmm. Yeah. But- I can't. Not right now. I'm not sure if I can.

Alastor: That's alright, mon ange. We are not in a hurry. We have our afterlife.

Lucifer bites his lip and holds Alastor's hands in guilt. This is a burden he must carry himself. What's inside him... it would be more dangerous if anyone else knew, especially Heaven. It's better to think of it as a wild card than a ticking time bomb.

Alastor hums a tune that makes him sleepy again. He doesn't remember falling asleep but he does vaguely recall being laid down again. He remembers a feeling of a kiss on his forehead, something brushing his cheek and moving his hair.

A nice calm before the storm.

---------------------------------------------------

Charlie took so long cos she wanted to heat it up but the microwave is missing?? (Alastor's doing)

Next chapter, Luci will wake again and have a talk with Charlie

Just wanted to get some Radioapple in there.

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drdemonprince · 28 days

Note

I recently finished reading your book Unlearning Shame, and I absolutely loved it. I found the conceptual framework of Internalized Shame and your techniques for it so very helpful, especially when most ideas of mental health (anxiety and depression, trauma, etc.) have seemed insufficient and useless to me.

However, there was one thing that kind of bugged me the whole way through reading it. Your primary focus was the shame people face as part of marginalization, but often, this too felt insufficient for me. Like, I do face a lot of this flavor of shame: I'm an autistic trans woman, feeling like I'm cringey or childish or creepy or obscene or whatever are things that bug me daily, and restrict a lot of my freedom.

However, a lot of the shame I deal with stems from some kind of awful things I've done in the past, and this is perhaps the loneliest and most difficult kind of shame I deal with. To be fair, I think a lot of this has been very closely linked to my marginalization: people would interpret genuine mistakes of mine as signs I was some awful, manipulative predator, and quickly oust me from their friend groups as a result. If I had been an allistic cis man I would have faced far gentler behavior, or at least far more people would have justified the shit I did.

Regardless, very little in the book dealt with shame tied to guilt and wrongdoing. I remember there was mostly just this one tantalizing line about how even previous members of neonazi groups can benefit from speaking shame, but other than that, I didn't see much.

So my question here is, do you know how to deal with the shame of doing something really bad, and facing the consequences?

Thank you for asking, I'm glad you liked the book!

There are answers for you throughout the book, I think. Arguably, many of the examples of shame I outline involve feeling regret or shame over one's actions. People who do not recycle "enough" and feel profound shame and anxiety about it are people who have done something "wrong," in their minds. So are people who have repeated internalized transphobic/racist/fatphobic/etc messages to other people who share the same identities as them. These people's actions are systemically caused, and they are suffering from those same systemic forces that provoked them to take actions they feel bad about.

You aren't any more morally culpable than any of them, and you aren't qualitatively different from them -- even if you are likely telling yourself that what you did is so much "worse" and so much less justified.

You can find much of the advice that I apply to people who feel ashamed about an experience (a rape survivor, say), apply equally to you as someone who might have done something you view as "wrong." You can also look to the material in chapters 7 and 8 about finding grace and perspective for others who have done wrong to us, and apply much of that yourself. A person must be held in community before they can be held accountable, for example. Understanding the circumstances that contributed to your behavior is important, which it sounds like you've already done some work on, as is contemplating the needs you were attempting to meet with your actions, and the social supports you currently still need in order to move forward.

If someone has taken actions that go against even their own morals and they feel profoundly ashamed about it, I'd say they are generally still in a state of far-reaching systemic shame that goes far deeper and requires far more healing and support than just addressing the morality of their own actions. There's usually a lot of shame about one's identities, deprivation one is facing, fears of abandonment and attachment insecurities, and other major issues going on. Because a person wouldn't just violate their own moral precepts for no good reason.

No one wants to feel that they are a horrible person according to their own personal standards of goodness. A person's actions always make sense within their own context, and so when someone does something "wrong," either they have done something that they do not actually believe to be wrong, but fear societal judgement for, or they have been pushed to the brink by extreme distress, deprivation, abuse, indoctrination, political repression, exclusion, or likely a combination of those things.

I hope this is making sense. If you feel ashamed of something you have done, you need the exact same healing, safe vulnerability, social support, and trust as someone who is ashamed about something over which they have no control. There is no difference, you are no more deserving of that shame, and shame still will not prevent you from changing your behavior for the better. You can believe wholly that your actions in the past were wrong, and uphold your current values in the present, without deserving to feel any more shame about it.

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krakenartificer · 1 year

Text

Notes on therapist selection

(From someone who is getting a good grade in Having a Therapist, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve)

Some friends were discussing their work to find a therapist today, and I noticed some unspoken assumptions that can sometimes get in the way of finding someone who's a good fit for your recovery needs, especially around deciding what specializations to look for when no one covers the full range of your crazy. So a list of things to think about that -- as always -- may or may not be useful to anyone except me.

1) On overlapping specializations Anyone who specializes in ADHD or Autism will also have experience dealing with trauma, because every school system I've ever encountered has been traumatizing for NDs. They may or may not call it trauma in their own minds, but they know how to handle "a bad thing happened in my past and it's fucking up my present" problems.

Likewise, everyone who specializes in trauma has experience with anxiety. PTSD was, until 2013, classified as an anxiety disorder. DSM-V puts it in its own category for presumably good reasons, but everyone with PTSD has anxiety (or close enough that you can't specialize in trauma without knowing how to deal with anxiety).

That said ... 2) On picking your therapist based on vibes

Vibes are really more important than specialization. Specialization is important if, like, you have one (1) specific problem and you are looking for a solution for that problem. Like, if your life is fine except that you have ADHD and the executive dysfunction is causing you to be unable to write English essays, then you definitely want an ADHD specialist. But if your opening session is going to be

Therapist: So what brings you in? Me: Well! -straightens lapels- -pulls out easel- -pulls out prepared presentation notes- I have a list

Therapist: So what brings you in? What changes are you looking to make? Me: This -gestures- Therapist: You just pointed to all of you Me: Yes.

then any generic psychologist is as good as any other. You got shit in your head and you gotta detangle it and it's all snarled together anyway, so it's a lot more important that you find someone who you're willing to be working with for years.

3) On finding "the one"

Odds are really really good that you're gonna have more than one therapist in your recovery arc. I did 2 years with one who specialized in psychological impacts on physical health, and it did so. much. for me, and I don't regret it for a moment, but also ... I reached a point where that wasn't the specialization I needed anymore, and also the shit in my head I needed to deal with was the kind of shit that (for trauma reasons) I couldn't talk about to someone in that therapist's demographic. So I left that practice, and found my current therapist.

My current therapist is great, and I'm really glad I'm working with him, but it's entirely possible that he's not going to be able to sort out this entire mess. We may reach a point where his specialties of relationships and adhd are not my bottlenecks any more, and he doesn't really have the tools he needs to handle what my next bottleneck is, and I'll go find someone else who can meet my needs at that time. This is normal and expected, and it's entirely fine to plan on it by (for example) deciding that you want a specialist in this thing right now, and you'll go find a specialist in this other thing later.

4) On Shopping

It's entirely reasonable to have more than one therapist this week. You are in no way expected or required to pick a single therapist based off of some profile pictures, a bio on the website, and a phone call, and then you're stuck with them forever. It is normal and understood that you will set up appointments with half a dozen therapists, and then pick two (or three) to do another session with, before settling into a single choice. Or don't! If you like two therapists for different reasons, and you'd rather work with them simultaneously instead of serially, then feel free to schedule with twice as many therapists, half as often. This ain't a wedding; you don't have to restrict yourself to only one.

Narrow down your choices as quickly as you want to based on your anxiety about not having a decision, based on your executive dysfunction and inability to track multiple things, based on how you feel about each one ... but don't narrow them down to one just because you think that's "the rules", somehow.

5) On Being Abrasive

If you know, upfront, what some of your dealbreakers are, just straight-up say that as you're scheduling the appointment or in the first session. My last therapist became a problem for me because she expressed empathy in a way that was too similar to the way my abuser used weaponized politeness to deny me boundaries; I couldn't talk to her about my violations because her demeanor was too similar to the person who violated me. So when I first talked to my current therapist, I told him, "I need someone who, if they think I'm full of shit, will say 'I think you're full of shit.'" He replied "One of my other clients calls me 'Deadpool'." I said, "Perfect. Let's give it a shot."

So if you really care that someone will let you schedule appointments online, or will never touch your wrist, or will treat your "disorder" as a neurodivergence to be accommodated rather than a problem to be solved, then say so. The sooner you both know that, the better: if you have particular needs, they need to know that now; and if they're not willing to meet your needs, YOU need to know that now.

(You will not, of course, always know your dealbreakers upfront. When I picked my first therapist, my primary problem was hip pain, and I didn't know it was PTSD. It was through her help that I realized that (a) I had trauma and (b) she was way too like my abuser for me to treat PTSD with her. This was not a failure. This was a massive success, because learning that was what allowed me to find someone who could help me (see point #3). It's fine if you don't know, right now, what you need -- that's part of why vibes are so important (see point #2). But whatever information you can give them, it is helpful to do so, and (despite what people in your past have implied) it is not rude, it is beneficial and desired.

6 - not advice, just a reminder

You are beautiful and brave and strong and I am so proud of you for fighting through all the shit -- both internal and external -- to get yourself help. No one ever talks about how hard it is to get to the point where you schedule that first meeting with that first therapist, and I want you to know that it is painful, it is challenging, and you're not lazy or stupid or whatever other lie your brain is telling you.

#therapy #how to life #how to recovery #long post #recovery #trauma cw #abuse cw #mental illness cw #gpoy #PTSD cw

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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 9 months

Text

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 20

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC Smut & Language- Minors DNI New as of 9/11/2023

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives.

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: "I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy."

My entire morning was dragging after finding out about the TMZ article and Instagram post. I could feel the staff's eyes on me and hear the whispers. Everyone knew about it. Once I had a minute to myself, I sent Dieter a text about everything. That was two hours ago, and he still hadn’t answered. I had a feeling he was dealing with a shit storm of epic proportions. The longer I went without hearing from him, the more anxious I felt.

As my final meeting was coming to an end, I saw a notification pop up on my phone. Normally I wouldn’t check my phone during a meeting, but I needed to hear from him.

DIETER: Sorry it took me so long to respond. This morning has been crazy. You want to come over to my house when you leave work? I’m meeting with my manager and publicist.

ME: Yeah, I’ll come straight there.

DIETER: Just a head’s up... TMZ is about to post an update. They have info on you. They are refusing to keep it under wraps. We tried everything. I’m sorry.

I sighed heavily and let out a quiet “fuck” under my breath. Everyone sitting near me looked in my direction. Aubrey had heard it too, but she continued speaking as she gave me a concerned look. I opened the browser on my phone and hit refresh on the article. There were multiple updates posted since earlier this morning. Several ‘sources’ had indicated that Dieter was under the influence of some unknown substance during the confrontation, which they said was related to concerns over his current relationship. They had also added a screen shot of this morning's Instagram post. Another ‘source’ raised concerns about his current mental health status due to his unusual behavior the last few months.

I squeezed the bridge of my nose where a deep throb was forming. This was so ridiculous and blown out of proportion. Who were they even talking with to get this information? I hit refresh again. Sure enough, there was a new update. They had my picture from the company website along with all sorts of details about me, including where I worked. I exhaled slowly as I leaned back in my seat. Aubrey was just wrapping up the meeting. While everyone filed out of the conference room, she and Kerrie walked over noticing that I was upset. When they asked what was going on, I didn’t say anything. I unlocked my phone and handed it to Aubrey.

Aubrey’s eyes grew wide as she handed the phone to Kerrie.

“Wow. That didn’t take long, huh?”

“Where are they getting this information? It’s not even accurate.”

“There is no telling,” Kerrie said as she returned my phone.

“I should probably go before the paparazzi show up here.”

I quickly walked back to my office to gather my things, then headed out the back door toward my car. I noticed there were already a couple of people across the street milling around with cameras. I kept my head down, walking in the opposite direction toward where I parked. I managed to make it out of there without being noticed.

I arrived at Dieter’s a short time later, without incident. When I keyed into the front door, I could hear voices coming from the kitchen. I paused to take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves.

“This is fucking ridiculous. Where are they getting their information? Someone that was there with Anna has to be feeding it to them.”

A woman’s voice spoke up, “D., you were yelling. I’m sure anyone seated around you could have figured out what it was about.”

“Yeah, but what about these sources? It’s all total bullshit. I swear, it sounds like Ann...”

I sat my bags down on the couch before walking into the kitchen as Dieter was speaking. He was leaning against the counter, until he caught sight of me. He stopped mid sentence, walking over to hug me tightly and immediately started apologizing.

“Stop apologizing. It’s fine. I’m ok.”

He pulled away as he moved his hand to cup my face. He gave me a questioning look, trying to decide if I was being honest or not. He seemed satisfied with what he saw before leaning in to give me a quick kiss on the lips. He reached down to grab my hand and led me further into the kitchen to where the man and woman were sitting at the kitchen table. He then introduced me to his publicist, Elaine, and his manager, Ty.

Elaine was probably in her late forties. She had blonde hair swept up into a neat bun. She was dressed business casual, but there was something elegant and genial about her. Ty seemed to be around the same age. He had dark hair with a hipster vibe about him. His face was very smug and judgy. Something about him was already rubbing me the wrong way.

As Dieter introduced us, Elaine gave me a warm smile and shook my hand. Ty on the other hand, looked me up and down before saying, “I would love to say I’ve heard a lot about you, but he has told us absolutely nothing before today.” He followed that statement with a tight smile before turning his gaze to Dieter in an admonishing way.

“That’s not accurate. I told you about her a long time ago. I just didn’t share intimate details because my personal life is my business.”

“Yeah, until it’s not,” Ty shot back at him.

Elaine jumped in, “Ok guys, let’s not argue. Let’s just figure out how we’re going to deal with this, please.”

“D., I’ve got to ask… you swear you're not using again? Be honest. We can’t help if we don’t know.”

Ty glanced over at me as he spoke. Almost like he wanted to see my reaction.

“I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have asked that in front of your lady,” he added.

My eyes were focused on Ty. I could feel the intense look forming on my face. I knitted my brows together and tilted my head slightly as I tried to read his body language. That was exactly his intention. Was he testing us or just trying to be an ass?

“It’s fine, Ty. She already knows everything,” Dieter said as he grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. He could sense that I was on edge with this guy. He gave me a comforting smile before turning back to Ty.

“I can’t believe you’re really asking me that. I’m completely clean. I didn’t even have any alcohol to drink last night. Neither of us did.”

“You’ve been so secretive lately and haven’t really been in touch with us unless you have to be. I’m just making sure. We don’t know what you’ve been up to,” Ty replied.

“I’ve been on a fucking break. Here. Staying out of trouble like you told me to do.”

I was starting to get annoyed with Ty’s line of questioning. He was being very negative. I felt the need to say something.

“For what it’s worth, I can vouch for him. He’s been working really hard at getting his shit together and he’s been doing great. Truly. We’re together the majority of the time, so I would know if he was doing something like that.”

“I’m sorry, what was your name again?” Ty asked. I narrowed my eyes at him in response. He waved his hands and shook his head in a way that said ‘never mind’ before continuing, “Look, I don’t know you. No offense, but for all I know you could be feeding him lines of coke off those pert tits of yours all the while telling us everything is hunky-dory.”

I had to bite my tongue. I nodded my head as I gave him a tight smile and exhaled loudly. Dieter braced for my response, but I didn’t give one. I wasn’t really sure how to handle this situation.

Elaine interjected, “Ok, that’s enough Ty. Stop being a dick.” Ty gave her a sarcastic smile before leaning back into his seat and crossing his arms.

“Look D., I can tell by looking at you that you’re clean. Don’t listen to him,” she added.

I turned to go grab my laptop and phone off of the couch, then walked toward the back door. Dieter gave me a questioning look. I couldn’t stay in here with this guy for another minute.

“I’m gonna go sit out here and work until you're done.”

“You don’t have to do that. You’re in my life now. I don’t mind if you're involved in these discussions.”

“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.” I raised my brows at him. He knew what I was saying. I was going to lose it on this guy if I stayed. He gave me a tight nod in understanding.

I exited to the back yard and walked over to sit under the canopy of the rounded daybed to avoid the afternoon sun. I propped myself up on several outdoor pillows and stretched my legs out before getting back to work on my laptop. It was hard to focus given the day’s events. My thoughts were wandering as were my eyes. I couldn’t help glancing toward the glass doors. I could make out Dieter’s dark figure pacing around the kitchen, gesturing with his arms as he talked. Based on his mannerisms, he seemed frustrated. I felt that too.

I wasn’t sure how much time passed before the back door opened. Dieter came out carrying a takeout container and two bottles of water. He sat everything on a nearby table before crawling up the daybed toward my right side. I slid my laptop off to the left, giving him space to hover above the right side of my body as he leaned in for a lingering kiss. He pulled back slightly as his eyes roamed over my face.

“Lunch is here. Gotta make sure you don’t get hangry.” I chuckled.

“Thank you. How is it going in there?” He sighed as he sank down to lay his head on my chest. His right arm reached around and hugged me tightly.

“It’s going. I think we’ve settled on releasing a statement. Elaine is drafting it now. I’m not cool with people thinking I was under the influence. That’s the part that bothers me the most, aside from them posting all the details about you, obviously.”

“Can I ask you about that Instagram post?” He groaned.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve talked to you before I did that. I was hell-bent on making a point.”

He raised his head to look at me. He had a fierce look in his eyes, “I meant it though. I don’t need anyone but you. You’re kinda it for me and I don’t care who knows. They can all fuck off if they have a problem with it. I hope you’re not mad about it.”

“I’m not mad, but a heads up would’ve been helpful. I had to find all this stuff out from my assistant and boss as soon as I walked into the office this morning. Under normal circumstances, I probably would’ve found it to be a turn on, actually. But, the whole public side of everything just adds a weird layer to it, you know what I mean?”

“Shit, mi vida, I’m sorry. I really didn’t think that through. It was impulsive. I shouldn’t have done it.”

He scooted to sit upright, then pulled me into a hug. I nuzzled into the crook of his neck while he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. He began to run his fingers through the back of my hair.

“I’ve never been in an actual relationship, so I’m probably gonna fuck up… a lot. I’m asking for a little grace in advance because I’m not really sure how to navigate all this. But... I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy.”

I pulled away, reaching to cup his cheek as our eyes met.

“We’ll figure it out together. You just need to make sure you’re communicating your thoughts and feelings with me, ok?”

He shook his head in agreement before reaching to grab my hand that was resting on his cheek. He held it as he turned to kiss the palm. Then he leaned forward to kiss me on the lips. His tongue quickly found its way into my mouth for a moment. He pulled away, giving me a deep gaze. His eyes were now hooded with desire.

“I better get back in here before Ty comes looking for me.”

“I don’t think Ty is a fan of me.”

“Ty is a dick. He’s also friends with Anna, so there’s no telling what’s going on in his head.”

“Oh, is that gonna be a problem?”

“Possibly. We’ll see.”

I gave him a concerned look. He responded with a tight small and raised eyebrows before moving to get up and walk back toward the house. As I watched him, my eyes were drawn to the two silhouettes in the kitchen window. Elaine and Ty had been watching us.

I suddenly felt like our private moment had been violated. Then again, I should probably get used to that. The quiet world we had been living in was quickly crumbling around us. I had a sinking feeling in my gut that we were about to be tested. My only hope was that we could handle it.

I moved over to the table with my laptop so that I could eat as I continued to work. However, that was soon interrupted by my cell phone ringing. It was Lauren calling. She must have finally gotten wind of what was going on. As soon as I answered, she was in full interrogation mode.

“What the actual fuck is going on? What is all this stuff on TMZ? And that Instagram post? What the hell happened in Sonoma?”

I quickly filled her in on all the details as I nibbled at my lunch. I could feel my chest tightening as I relayed the events from the previous night.

“Well, I’m happy you both finally stood up to Anna. She is such a bitch. I can’t believe she said that shit. It’s so fucked up. It’s almost like she was trying to get that kind of reaction out of him.”

“Oh, I’m fairly certain that was the exact reaction she was shooting for. She knows how to push his buttons, unfortunately.”

“Should we be concerned about his reaction? He’s never been like that before, right?”

“Not that I’ve seen. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t concern me a little. He wasn’t responding to me initially, but I think he was just trying to focus on staying calm.”

“Yeah, hopefully that’s all it was.”

Lauren and I ended our conversation after that with promises for the two of us to get together soon. It felt like we hadn’t spent any quality friend time together in ages, and I hated that. She had seemed less engaged lately, blaming it on being short staffed at the shop. I briefly found myself wondering if she had something going on that she wasn’t sharing. It would be unusual for her to keep something from me though. I wasn’t sure if I had the mental capacity to think about that too much at the moment, so I dismissed the thought.

Soon after hanging up with Lauren, Aubrey called to check in and see how I was doing. She told me to take the following day off to try and relax after the madness of today. She also told me to work from home for the next little bit until things calmed down, noting that guys with cameras were hanging around the building. All I could do was apologize. I felt awful that my place of employment was having to deal with this mess too, but she was having none of it.

“Talia, after what I saw in here with you two yesterday, I can’t bring myself to care. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that happy or content. It is what it is. We’ll handle it.”

I could feel myself getting a little emotional. Tears started to form in the corners of my eyes. She was always more supportive of me than she needed to be. I had to take a moment to steady my voice before responding.

“Thank you. I appreciate it. Hopefully it will blow over quickly.”

After hanging up with Aubrey, I sat staring at my laptop, completely disassociating for a time, feeling like my mind needed a break. I was soon brought back to reality by the sound of footsteps. When I glanced up, I was greeted by Elaine’s approaching smile.

“Do you mind if I join you for a few minutes? Dieter and Ty are on a conference call with the studio. I don’t want to be in on that one if I can help it.”

“Uhh, yeah, sure. Have a seat,” I motioned to the seat next to me as I moved the empty food container out of the way.

She sat down beside me, still smiling before she continued, “You work for Aubrey, right?”

My head snapped back toward her, eyes widened in surprise.

“Yeah…how did you…”

“We have friends in common, so we’ve spent a lot of time together. I didn’t realize who you were until I read that article. I’ve heard her say a lot of really good things about you.”

“Oh well, small world.” I gave a timid laugh. I wasn’t sure where this was going.

“You know, I was with Dieter during a few meetings in New York. He seemed different, even then. I’m pretty sure he was enamored with you the moment you met.”

I couldn’t help the look of disbelief that came across my face, “I doubt that.”

“I’m serious. I mean, he’d been trying to straighten his life out for some time, but something changed after that trip. He seemed a lot more focused and determined. I think that had a lot to do with you.”

I couldn’t help the half smile that crept across my face. If I was honest, I think I was probably enamored with him before we even said a word to each other that first night at the bar.

“I’ve been working with Dieter since the beginning, and I’ve never seen him like this with anyone. I can see that he’s in love with you. I think you’re good for him. So, ignore anything Ty says. He’s blind and also a dick. If you need to throw some of that sass at him that I’ve heard so much about, do it. He needs to be put in his place every once in a while.”

I chuckled. Of course, Aubrey had mentioned that. It was the thing she loved most about me. I could always say what she couldn’t. As far as Elaine was concerned, she was definitely earning some points in my book. I felt like she was being sincere and meant what she was saying. I was happy to find that Dieter had at least one decent person on his side.

“Thank you. I probably needed to hear that. I’m happy he has you. Everyone else I’ve met so far, aside from his family… I’ve just not been impressed. I can understand why he feels like he doesn't have enough support.”

“It’s not the easiest industry to work in. Especially when you have things going on like he does. I’m happy he found someone from the outside that he can trust.”

We were interrupted by Dieter sticking his head out the back door to announce they were off the call. I decided to give up on work for the day since I couldn’t concentrate and had made zero progress. I gathered up all of my things and followed Elaine inside. Elaine and Ty didn’t stay much longer after that, thankfully.

Dieter made a point to set his phone to ‘do not disturb’ after they left. He was over it all and looked exhausted. He flopped down on the couch. I followed, squeezing in between him and the back of it, cuddling into his side. He wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my head. Both of us sat in silence for some time before he spoke up.

“I’ve been asked to go see my therapist tomorrow. I’m a little pissed that Ty has no confidence in me.”

“How involved is he with that stuff?”

“Not really that involved. He just likes to make sure I’m going regularly. He doesn’t know the details of anything.”

“Well, maybe it's not a bad idea. This week has been a lot for you. It couldn’t hurt. I can take you if you want. Aubrey told me to take tomorrow off. I can pop in to visit Lauren at the shop while you’re there.”

“Yeah, sure. I think I’d like that.”

We spent the rest of the evening on the couch together catching up on some of our shows and enjoying each other’s company. It was a nice end to the day given how it had started. It was exactly what we needed to recover from the drama.

When the alarm went off at 7AM the next morning, Dieter was not there. I sighed when my fingers met with the cold sheets on his side of the bed. As I lay wondering how long he had been awake, he came walking into the room wearing nothing but gym shorts and carrying a cup of coffee. He handed it over to me as I sat up.

“Despierta, bella durmiente.”

I squinted at him in confusion, “What?”

“Wake up, sleeping beauty,” he repeated in English with a smirk.

“I don’t know about beauty. I’m pretty sure I look like a hot mess.”

I could tell my hair was sticking up in every direction after having Dieter’s hands tangled in it for an extended time the previous night. Even though we were both worn out, we still had the need to partake in some stress relieving activities before sleep took us. It was becoming part of our nightly routine at this point.

He rolled his eyes at me, “Whatever you say, mi amor.”

I smiled at his response. I understood that pet name.

“I happen to like the wild sex hair look, it’s a good reminder of our late night activities,” he added with a playful smile and a wink before walking into his closet.

“I probably need to run to my house to grab some clothes.”

“I should just give you space in my closet so you have some things here for days like this.”

He walked out and threw one of his band t-shirts at me to wear. I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Is that right? Are we those people now?” I huffed out a laugh.

“Just trying to make your life a little easier babe,” he replied with a flirty grin.

“I guess this means I shouldn’t make you live out of a gym bag at my place anymore then.”

I gave him a teasing look as I took another sip of my coffee.

“I mean, it would save me from all the wrinkles and it’s the polite thing to do.”

He shrugged as he sat down on the bed beside me with a toothy smile on his face. I reached up to slide my hand around to the back of his neck, pulling him in for a deep kiss. He briefly paused to take the coffee mug out of my other hand and sat it on the nightstand. Then, he lifted the comforter and crawled underneath it, hovering above my naked body to settle in between my thighs.

As he kissed down the crook of my neck, he reached down to my folds, rubbing gently. He groaned when he felt how wet I already was for him. He inserted two fingers painfully slow as his thumb found the bundle of nerves at my center. His touch caused a sudden jolt of heat to radiate through me. I arched up toward his mouth, which had found its way to my breast. My hands twisted in his curls as he kissed and sucked every inch of me that he had access to, causing me to climax quickly. It was amazing how well he could work my body into a frenzy. I didn’t understand it, but I welcomed it without hesitation every time.

He continued to shower me with soft caresses and kisses until I came down from my high. My immediate response was to reach for his shorts and shove them down his hips far enough to release the hardness I could feel pressing against me. As soon as he was free, I lined him up with my entrance. He responded by slowly sinking into me for the first few thrusts. He abruptly switched to hard thrusts in, all the way to the hilt, but pulled out ever so slowly. With each thrust in, I could feel my muscles quiver slightly. Ready to be taken over the edge again. A small whimper escaped my mouth every time he slammed into me. This pace was maddening, and he knew it.

“Fuck, I’m so close. Stop teasing me. Please,” I managed to cry out between moans.

“What do you need, mi amor. Tell me.”

I could feel his warm breath against my ear as he spoke in a low, sensual tone.

“Faster… please.”

He acquiesced by gradually increasing speed, but still thrusting just as hard. It didn’t take long after that. I quickly came undone around him. He followed soon after, burying his face into my neck. Muffling the low grunts that were escaping his lips.

He hovered above me with his head leaning down toward my chest for several minutes, trying to catch his breath. When he raised it to look at me, I reached for his face and ran my thumb down his plump bottom lip as we looked into each other's eyes. Taking in the shared emotions of the moment. Our time together only seemed to be getting more passionate. It was a miracle to me that we could handle it. I took that as a testament to how much we had both evolved emotionally.

“We really should get in the shower, or else I’m gonna be late.”

I nodded in agreement before giving him one last kiss. He pulled himself out of me with a small grunt, moving to get up. He discarded his shorts on the floor before he walked toward the bathroom. I followed behind to join him. Showering together was becoming pretty routine at this point too. Any chance we got for bonding time, we took full advantage of.

We both had to rush to get ready so that he wasn’t late for his appointment. I didn’t have time to stop and get fresh clothes, so I ended up wearing my skinny jeans from the day before with his t-shirt. Luckily, I had a spare pair of comfy sneakers stowed away in my car.

He was quiet on the way to his appointment, seeming somewhat anxious. He had his right arm propped on the passenger side door with his hand fisted under his chin as he looked out the window. His left hand sat on his thigh while his thumb rubbed back and forth against the other four digits non-stop. I reached over to grab his left hand, entwining our fingers together, hoping it would help calm him. I wasn’t sure that it did.

I pulled up to the front door of his therapist office to drop him off. He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss before exiting the vehicle. I really hoped his session went ok. I wasn’t sure how much more he could handle this week.

After dropping him off, I made my way over to Lauren’s shop. I needed to pick up some supplies, but also wanted to visit with her if she wasn’t too busy. However, when I got there, I was informed that she was taking the day off because she wasn’t feeling well. I found that to be odd. I tried calling her as I wandered down the painting supply aisles. She didn’t answer. I sent her a quick text.

ME: Hey, stopped by to see you and they said you’re out sick. You ok? Need anything?

I didn’t get an immediate response back. Maybe she was asleep? Weird.

I continued browsing for another twenty minutes or so. Finally, my phone pinged.

LAUREN: No, I’m good. Just sleeping it off.

That’s it. Nothing else. Typically, she tended to overshare the gory details. Something had to be going on with her. I felt like I needed to talk to her about it.

I gathered up the remaining items that I needed, then headed toward the checkout counter. I still had some time to kill before going to pick Dieter up, so I decided to run by his favorite smoothie place to pick something up for us. When I got there, it was fairly empty. However, I could feel eyes on me as I stood in line. I glanced around and noticed a couple of girls sitting in a booth looking my way like they recognized me. Geez. I felt like I needed to resort to wearing a hat and sunglasses like Dieter often did. I made a point to turn away from them so they couldn’t see my face. Luckily, I got our order fairly quickly after that and hightailed it back to my car.

I made my way back toward Dieter’s therapist office. I managed to find a parking spot nearby to wait. He still had about ten minutes left. To kill some time, I pulled out my phone to scroll through social media. As soon as I opened the app, I checked the one message alert that popped up. It was from Kerrie. She shared a picture of me at the smoothie shop that had just been posted by a fan account. There was a second picture of Dieter wearing the same t-shirt at some point in time. So they take inventory of his clothing too? And I had literally just left the place.

“Fucking hell. This is so ridiculous.”

I shook my head, closing the app without reading any of the comments. I didn’t want to know what they had to say. Just as I threw my phone down on the middle console, I saw Dieter walking out of the building, briefly stopping to pull out his phone. I assumed to check in on where I was. I quickly pulled out of the parking spot to meet him.

He had an irritated scowl on his face as he got into the car and shut the door a little harder than necessary. I stuck his smoothie in front of his face, and he softened some as he took it from me. He turned, giving me a small smile before sticking the straw in his mouth. I took a minute to pull out onto the main road before I spoke, “I’m almost afraid to ask, but did everything go ok?”

He was quiet for a time as he continued to work on his smoothie. I could tell he was thinking about how to respond.

“He wants to make some adjustments to my medication. The med provider agreed, so I’ve gotta go pick up some prescriptions.”

“Why does he want to do that?”

“Because I’m still having trouble sleeping and the anxiety is getting worse. They’re trying a different sleeping pill and different dosage amounts on the other stuff. I know it’s just because I’m leaving to film soon. It’s got me a little amped up. I really don’t wanna be dealing with medication changes on top of that. It tends to mess with me until I adjust.”

I didn’t really know what to say. I reached over to grab his hand in comfort. He spoke up again, directing me to one of the local pharmacies so he could pick up his prescriptions. I parked and started to grab my purse, but he told me I could wait in the car. Before he got out, he grabbed his hat, sunglasses, and earbuds. His ultimate “don’t talk to me” look. He reached in for his drink before shutting the door. I watched him walk toward the main entrance with his head down. He looked defeated and I hated it for him. He still had a long road ahead of him.

It took a while before his prescription was ready since they had just called it in. He finally came shuffling out the doors forty-five minutes after he went in. He was immediately approached by someone shoving a camera in his face. I could tell he was annoyed, but still smiled and chatted with the guy as he walked. I assumed it was paparazzi since they were clearly recording the entire interaction. When Dieter got to the car and opened the door, I could hear the guy yelling my name and asking how I was today. I mustered a small smile and wave as Dieter shut the door.

“I guess our quiet little bubble has burst, huh?”

“Yep. Welcome to my world.”

He gave me an annoyed look as he put his seatbelt on. I backed out as the guy continued to film. We were both beyond ready to go home.

During our remaining two weeks together, we spent as much time at home as we could. Dieter enlisted his assistant, Rylee, to pick things up for us as needed. She was a sweet girl and seemed like a genuinely good person, which I was thankful for. She had a lot of spunk and a fun personality, with brightly colored hair to match. He was going to need that while he was away. He was going to need all the help and positivity he could get.

As his departure date neared, he was clearly getting more anxious. He tried to keep himself busy preparing for the role during the hours that I worked. Our free time was spent wrapped up with each other, locking the rest of the world out. It was the only time he seemed to relax in the slightest.

Since his change in medication, there were some days he felt terrible. He started having intense headaches and nausea almost immediately. The doctor insisted that was normal the first few weeks, which was frustrating for him. He was worried it wouldn’t stop before filming began, adding an extra layer to his anxiety. It did seem to be happening less as the days went on, but that did little to ease his fears. It also didn’t seem to be doing much to remedy the issues for which he was taking them, further frustrating him.

In an effort to keep his spirits up, we started planning our trips to see each other. The first trip would be three weeks after filming started. I would be spending a week with him while he worked. He had a scheduled three-day break four weeks after that. Which meant he would fly back home during that time. By then they would be getting into filming out in the middle of nowhere, so we decided to play it by ear at that point because of my work schedule. I had hoped that having those planned visits would give him something to look forward to. A positive distraction to focus on rather than the negative thoughts he said often plagued him.

The morning that he was set to leave, he was a scattered mess. His thoughts were all over the place. He was jumping from one topic to another as he rushed around to make sure he had everything he needed. I felt like he was doing everything he could to not focus on the fact that he was leaving, which was probably a good thing. Both of us seemed to be avoiding that topic directly.

Rylee was traveling with Dieter, so she showed up around an hour before their car arrived to take them to the airport. They went through several checklists to make sure he was all set. I was thankful for that because I had no idea what all he needed. It also helped to keep him distracted.

Before we knew it, their car was out front waiting as they hauled their luggage out. We kept our goodbye brief with a tight embrace and passionate kiss, all while avoiding direct eye contact and not saying a word. We both knew if we lingered too long, one of us would break down. I didn’t want to stress him further, so I knew we needed to avoid that at all costs.

As soon as his car was out of sight, I lost all composure. I couldn’t help it. I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it was making me nauseous. I was worried about how he was going to handle this. As I sat on the couch trying to pull myself together, my phone pinged.

DIETER: Love you, mi estrella. I miss you already.

ME: Love you too. I’ll be with you again soon enough. Call me if you need me, please.

DIETER: I promise I will. I’ll text you when we land.

After I calmed down, I turned off everything and locked his house up. I decided to go back to my place for now. I needed to distract myself. When I got home, I went straight to my craft room and started a new project, a painting for Dieter. He had mentioned multiple times that he wanted me to paint one for his house. I felt like this would be the perfect distraction.

I had an image in my mind that I wanted to recreate for him. A reminder of our most intimate experience, but also a reminder of a happier time from his past. I started by covering the canvas with the brilliant colors of the rising sun, before moving on to the more symbolic images that would serve as the focal point of the piece. The images were slowly beginning to take shape as I blended the dark wood colors with gold, green, and white. I got lost in the project, my emotions finally going numb and thoughts going blank as I had intended.

A/N: Hopefully this chapter wasn’t too much of a mess. My concentration has been all over the place this week for whatever reason and it was a struggle.

Anyway, so there we have it. The fallout from the very public argument with Anna. How we feeling about that? Do you think it will create any problems for our lovely couple? Did your feelings change about the Instagram post after their talk? What are your thoughts on the new characters? Do we think something is going on with Lauren, or is Talia overthinking it?

Dieter has officially left to film, which is what everyone has been dreading. How do we think everything that he is currently dealing with is going to affect him? Any predictions on how this is about to go?

What about Talia’s painting? Any predictions on what it might be?

So many things to ponder in this chapter!

I am issuing a warning now. Things are going to start getting a lot rougher going forward. There is going to be some extreme drama and angst building until it finally hits a breaking point due to a major event that’s going to be pretty heart wrenching for everyone. So, be prepared for the crazy journey ahead.

Mood board for this chapter is included below in case you missed the teaser. 😉

Next Chapter

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Let me know in the comments below if you would like to be added to the tag list.

#dieter bravo #pedro pascal #dieter x ofc #dieter bravo fic #Destiny & Deliverance Series #pedro pascal characters #dieter bravo x ofc #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #Pedro Pascal Fanfic #dieter bravo x oc #dieter bravo fluff #dieter bravo fanfiction #pedro pascal smut #the bubble #pedrostories

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headspace-hotel · 1 year

Note

Personally as someone who experiences much more daily suffering than the average person I am deeply uncomfortable with the mere idea of "eliminating suffering" because it treats "positive" experiences like love and joy and happiness as more meaningful. In my experience this is done pretty much exclusively to the detriment of people like me.

Because by acting like suffering inherently decreases the value of someone's life you are implying that lives like mine aren't worth living. And maybe it's just me but I take offense to that! Sure my life isn't perfect and there are a lot of things I wish I didnt have to deal with but this life is mine and I'll be damned if I let other people tell me it's not good enough!

Humans weren't designed to exclusively experience pleasant things. Suffering is part of being alive! And I would not trade that for anything!

Ultimately its a facet of toxic positivity, and it makes me very very nervous. Because the people who are suffering the most always seem to be the ones thrown to the wayside for fancy little hypothetical "innovations" like this. Getting rid of suffering is quite likely impossible but that doesn't mean the people backing the idea won't just put on some horse blinders and pretend they don't see the people who would prove it didn't work.

I was about 12 years old the first time somebody told me I was too depressed to be around and it was catastrophic for my mental health. I just don't think that applying that on a worldwide scale is exactly revolutionary ya know?

The ultimate manifestation of this idea is in anti-natalism (people who think it's actively bad and wrong to have children) and people who believe in this idea are often actively pro-eugenics and just...anti-human.

"eliminate suffering" inevitably ends up at calling for extinction of all life, or at least extinction of human life, and there are people out there who think we should go extinct!...and I think we need to be firmer about calling this extremist and harmful, instead of treating it as a philosophical position to be considered seriously

like, even if voluntary human extinction just involved humans choosing not to reproduce, it's still going to fuck you up to go around looking at other humans and believing that it's bad that they're alive. yes, "existence is bad" I guess is one of the basic possible options to come to when asking questions about life and meaning, and I see how people start feeling like there is a "pro-natalist agenda" or some shit because it's something we don't really talk about.

but...believing that a universal genocide would be a good thing isn't that different from believing a genocide of one specific group would be a good thing.

And "no one should reproduce" is not really any better than "everyone should reproduce," because both violate the basic principle that other people reproducing is none of your damn business.

I am generally really uncomfortable with how so many environmentalism and climate change mitigation proposals focus on human population growth as a main cause of climate change.

There's no real evidential basis for the numbers that get cited as the ideal population for Earth, like supposedly 2-4 billion is the max the Earth can support if everyone lives a "comfortable middle class lifestyle"—What The Fuck Does That Mean? Where does it come from? Is it something we actually need or want? The vast majority of humans on Earth aren't living a "middle class lifestyle."

I want to see breakdowns of complex simulations explaining how much biomass the Earth can actually support, instead of arbitrary bullshit like that.

But from everything I've read, producing enough food for the world population is not even remotely a problem. Capitalism is the problem. Huge companies controlling the food supply and keeping the countries that produce food in poverty is the problem. Technological solutions are important but they will not fix the current problems, just like Eli Whitney's cotton gin didn't eliminate slavery.

Everyone assumes that the system is working as efficiently as it possibly can to meet the material needs of people, and that is so terribly wrong.

Anyway much of that was off topic but yeah, I'm not a fan of this line of thought and where it leads

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jina-juhi · 2 years

Text

walk me home?

Pairing : sweet! Jaehyun × female reader

Genre : smut (minors dni)

Ratings : 18+

word count : 5.6k

Warnings : soft ! Jaehyun, orgasm, fingering, oral (f reciving), very minor dom jaehyun, he likes to command okay? use of pet names (not much) protected sex, not so shy!reader, sad!reader, quite!reader, riding, licking. a little corruption kink maybe?

Preview:- In which a stupid game of truth and dare makes you realise how much you want Jaehyun.

A/N : very slight plot:) I've been mia i know,,,

my smuts kinda revolves around the reader, and for some reason the reader is always in a place that is not so happy. So if you're not okay with reading such a concept you're free to not read this.

not proofread,

other works~

Been a difficult day? It's been a difficult year. Speaking out loud and clear, your life is a mess and you're not at all happy with it. If skipping college classes to be able to steal a one hour sleep off the day to only stay awake the whole night taking care of old grannies at the old age home was the original plan you would have considerably switched onto the next option. But what could you have done, night is the only time you could find to take up a part time job because money is important, which you unfortunately don't have enough. You can't totally skip college or they wouldn't let you take the scholarship exam you're currently studying and doing all the hard and extra work for.

The original plan was to get into college and have the best time of your life possible, maybe, not the best life, maybe not the best clothes, the best laptop or the best grades but at least, a little less tension, a little less uncertainty and hopelessness. A little more independence. Maybe some good friends and night outs, and going to carnivals together, and movie date with someone you could call your own.

Was this all too much to ask for when you finally got into college? No. But life isn't fair, and you never complain. Bad things happen, they keep on happening, you just gotta learn how to deal with them. And that is what you are doing, going out, at 10 pm, to a party, alone because your friends didn't really find it necessary to ask you to join, hoping that you got the address right.

It has been pouring and it's chilly out on the streets, you're quite grateful for wearing a cardigan over your cute, not so little tube dress. So many uncertainties driving you mad right now, what if you didn't qualify for the scholarship? who's going to pay for your studies. Loan, not an option. You can't always keep working and sacrifice your sleep and peace of mind, your health is important which hasn't been good lately.

With all these thoughts running through your head you arrive at the party, you walk in without a second thought. Pretty house, pretty lights, pretty people. All so happy. Too happy for you, you think to yourself while finding something to drink, something non alcoholic, and someone. It's not like you don't know anyone here, you know a lot of people, it's just they don't know you.

Grabbing a drink you decide to go over to the sofa, sit and watch people, what you usually do, in the library, coffee shop, classroom. So many different faces, so many different stories. So many different problems everyone must be going through, and yet everyone fails to understand each other. What a tragedy.

You were never like this, sitting alone, not talking. This you is not you, you used to be bubbly, funny, radiant. Once you used to start talking, no one could shut you up, and oh the random shit you would do, you used to be happy. Right now, you don't even know if you're breathing anymore. You're just there, time goes by, the tea gets cold and butterflies get born and you, are still there. Stuck. Thing after thing happens, and it's like they nail you to the ground. You just can't move on.

the truth is, you're too tired to move on. Enough times you've tried, you're tired of trying. So you learnt to live with whatever it is, you learnt to stay quiet and enjoy your own company, not really wanting to get close with people, not really going out and having fun. Just your room, earphones plugged in and a painting brush in your hand whenever time allows. This was your small, but happy little world.

Strangely familiar faces pass you by as you sip on your drink under the dim lights. The music's loud, but it's sexy. You spotted your friends a long time ago in the room somewhere, who don't really seem to have noticed you too, gratefully. Everybody is either dancing, or drunk or both.

and he's watching you.

Your brain has been screaming this one sentence since past how many? 10 minutes you've been sitting there. He's sitting on the kitchen counter across the room with his evergreen group of friends. Loose white tee hugging is frame perfectly. It's not a clear view, people are moving in between and the lights are low, but you are so perfectly able to see him ruffling his already messed up hair, laughing but not paying attention to whatever others are saying, sipping on some liquor you suppose, sweet glimmering eyes dancing from person to person landing on you at the same time your's lands on him, looking somewhere else the moment they meet. Bracelets in both hands, silver chains hanging around his neck. Pretty.

as always.

Why would he even look at you. Out of all the pretty girls in the room, why, would he even bother to look at you, who are you. Does he even know you? He doesn't even need to say a word and it would be a long line of girls waiting with their legs wide open for him, after all its Jaehyun.

and he knows you.

So it happened on a very fine normal working college day, your friend Mark, with whom you share one or two classes, thought it would be nice to have lunch with him, he was being kind as your friends ditched you in front of him. He's a nice guy, decent one, cute, angel-like, and a very caring friend. You thought it would be just you two but his friends were there too, amongst them was Jaehyun too. So yeah he knows you, your name. Not much interaction, you don't really talk, and he doesn't really initiate, just some hi and hellos and smiles in the hallway, and small little conversation when you have lunch with them. that's it.

that's it? the way he always makes sure you get what u need?

and passing you water whenever your glass goes empty.

You decide to get up as the more you sit there the more you notice. The more the urge to go there and be with them, because they seem to have fun there playing some game. You wanna play too. As you get up to find some other spot, Mark calls you over. Something that you have been ignoring, but you don't this time, it would be rude, he has been kinder than anybody, involving you in small little things, texting you making sure you're okay, that you ate, that you got home safely from your work.

Passing the crowd you greet them all and stand beside Mark who side hugs you, "I've been calling you, where were you looking?" Rummaging through the excuse section in your brain you make a confused face, "couldn't hear the phone over the loud music, sorry." you shrug, he mouths a 'its okay' quickly, asking you to play the game of truth or dare with them.

"Who plays truth and dare." You make a bored face expression your disapproval, shaking your head no. You just didn't want to with Jaehyun sitting right in front of you. "We, and you're playing with us. C'mon Markie it's your turn! Pick a chit" Yuta smiles at you first, switching his attention to Mark, offering him a bowl full of chits. So basically it's a bowl of written truths and dares, and you gotta do or answer whatever comes.

You look around at everyone, everybody is saying something, smiling, laughing, having fun, being there. Happy. Effortlessly.

why couldn't you.

Its this overwhelming feeling that overshadows all the good you feel, every fucking time. It's not that you make yourself feel bad, its not kike you make the choice, its there, and you dont know what to do about or how to make it go away, how to deal with them.

The chit reads, "to finish 2 full bottles of liquor by the end of the game" and everybody cheers him up because of course, we all know it's gonna be hard for him given his tolerance level.

"Truth or dare?" You were taken off guard by Haechan, who threw the cap of a bottle he just opened passing it to Mark, and passing you the bowl, everybody taking your name unison, you roll your eyes and pick up a chit. Before you could open it Haechan snatches it away from your hands, opening it himself, smirking.

"I hope she doesn't back off now!"

"What do you mean by back off?"

"Say you'll do it no matter what or I'll not waste a dare on you." as poking as his tone was, no of course you're not going to back off.

"Just tell me the fucking dare"

For some reason Haechan looks over at Jaehyun and laughs, "I'm gonna enjoy it the most" Looking at you now, "You gotta lick something off of someone's chest standing in front of you."

All the hooting and oohs were background noise because all you could hear right now is the excitement your heart was beating with, and the fear of doing something, in front of everyone, with Jaehyun, that you've never done before. Did I mention somewhere that you're one the most sexually frustrated teens round the corner? And did i also mention that Jaehyun right now is the main character of your thoughts and dreams? But isn't it obvious? Like day to night to morning, one thing you use as a distraction is this guy. But he's not a mere distraction. More like, the centre of your attraction.

Little things he does for you are remarkably the sweetest of all. He won't ever mention them though. It's like, he knows something's down with you, and not being very obvious he makes sure you're doing fine whenever he possibly could. Listening to you when you don't even speak. Understanding you just with one single look. That's what you need, what you want, you crave being understood, being known, being heard. You need someone who could tell just by the way you walk that you are not okay. Who doesn't believe you when you say you're fine. Who doesn't walk off when you say you wanna be alone. Who could hold you close and never let go. Whose mere presence could make you feel at home, because home, is a place you've never been to. It's a feeling you've never really known. It is a word you've never really spoken, but oh how every broken piece of you wanna feel like it belongs somewhere, or to someone.

Oh and you're really inexperienced, had a little fling back when you were 18 but it lasted barely a year. So to lick, is something foreign, but exciting,"unless he doesn't have any problem." tilting your head sideways you direct your sentence to Jaehyun, god knows where this confidence is coming from, but hell you love it!

The corners of his lips turn slightly up, the soft angelic eyes turning a bit devil like, swallowing hard he parts his lips to say something, looking right into your eyes, as if studying you, "only if you're fine with it."

Taking a second to register his words, he's asking for consent, personally.

The littlest things he does.

Giving him an assuring nod, you move forwards, "So what do i have to lick?" and everybody gets so fucking loud, as if they've never seen this before happening. To be a disappointment now would be a greater disappointment. Gulping every ounce of courage you could, taking the ice cream from yuta's hands, you stand in front of him, trying to control your shaking hands and beating heart. Moving slightly backwards to give him space as he removes his tee, for you.

You're mind is yelling a million things to you right now, the situation's already intimidating enough, with his eyes on you, watching every move you make, not helping at all.

"You don't have to." he reassures.

"No it's okay, i just have to figure this thing, it's melting"

"What's there to figure, just put it here and lick it off"

lick it off.

And you lick it off. The smell of his perfume filling up your lungs blurring out your senses, adjusting your focus on the licked area, theres some cream still left, you don't hesitate once before licking it all clean. You don't care what's going on in the background it's just you, and his presence.

Before you could even be proud of yourself, a whole bottle of wine? liquor? was emptied on you by a very annoyingly excited Haechan. Everyone went silent all of a sudden, you wanted to speak but nothing really came out of your mouth. He was apologizing non-stop, you just said it was fine and excused yourself to go to the bathroom.

The whole situation was a question mark but Haechan's just crazy, a well known fact, so you tried not to think about this. Finding your way to the bathroom upstairs, everything just got irritating for some reason. You don't quite like going out because things like this happen, and it renders you irritated and exhausted. For no reason at all. These are normal things that happen but you're not used to them, this is what is irritating, you don't know what normalcy is, you've forgotten what it's like to be normal.

Getting in the bathroom, inhaling deep to calm yourself down, you step out of the tight, and now stinky dress leaving it on the floor. Going over the sink, finding a towel and wetting it you wipe yourself clean.

"Shouldn't one lock the door behind?"

You jump out of your skin turning back to look for the source of the voice, your hands instinctively try to cover yourself.

"Oh it's you" It was Jaehyun standing at the bathroom door, your hands moving down because you didn't really feel the need to hide, and for some reason you felt at ease.

"Need help?" he asks stepping in.

"It's really okay, I'll manage, thanks." You turn around, opening your soaked up hair, looking for another towel. He finds it for you.

"I'll help anyways." You don't really say or protest, you just let him be; present. Let him help you. He locks the door behind, stepping closer, he stands behind you, "the smell won't go away easily."

"Courtesy of your friend" you give a plain smile as you feel him detangle your hair from behind, a feeling you never knew could be so soothing? "Ignore him, he can be a lot sometimes." he says gathering your hair in the towel, squeezing them gently.

You nod not really wanting to say something at the moment. "Well, you don't really know how to lick something or someone right?" You open your eyes to the sudden change in topic, "i mean, you were good enough for a newbie but, you could do better."

"Erm? what are you talking about"

"Oh you have every idea of what I'm talking about." Moving your hair aside, fingertips touching your skin, leaving a tickle behind, the contact titillating you both. Licking his lips, he uses the towel to wipe your arm, pressing the cold cloth on your skin, dragging it up in slow sensual motion, he looks you in the eyes through the mirror, "Don't play the innocent card now."

"Jaehyun what-"

"What?"

You pause. Not really knowing what to say next. It's hard to look him in the eye when he's looking directly at you, eye to eye. You shift your focus on the tap, just something but him, his eyes. His goddamn eyes.

The realisation hits you when you struggle to take a breath that you haven't been really breathing for don't know how long, he chuckles.

"I asked you something."

"huh?" was all you could manage, his hands were leaving burning flames on your skin, his breath hitting your neck was making your senses go feral, every second under his hard gaze was making it impossible for you to breathe, given you were with him alone in a locked room, only in your undies, hair soaking wet with liquor and desire evident in every inch of your exposed skin.

Only if you were looking at him you could see how much he was controlling. How much he wanted you bent right now under him, under his mercy, screaming his name, begging him to stop but not really wanting him to, oh how badly he had wanted to make you feel right every time he saw you crying, how badly he had wanted to take your pain away and make you feel okay, and loved and heard. Make you his.

You jump in surprise when u feel his tongue roll on your shoulder, flat against your skin, burning every inch it covers, and up your neck, just baby licks and kisses, "What are you doin?" you speak lowly in a hurry, barely above a whisper,not trusting your voice at the moment.

"Showing you how it's done."

"Why?" Every emotion you ever felt was put into this single word. Unsaid and unheard but deeply felt feelings were expressed in a vivid eye to eye conversation.

"Because you're letting me." An answer beyond your expectations.

It's a different feeling, you've never ever experienced this, i mean all this adrenaline rush through your blood, this gush of heat you feel in your fingertips is all fine but this understandability, this connection, this feeling of someone, this is new, and it's all him, it's all Jaehyun. You don't stop him, you just look at him, silently speaking your heart out. He's looking at you too, understanding everything.

His hands are holding you by your waist, you lean into him and his lips have already found their place in the crook of your neck, kissing and licking lightly which soon was replaced by harsh sucking and biting, tracing invisible lines on your skin, working art with his tongue on you, your head resting on his shoulder, hands creeping up to fiddle with his sweaty hair while his pretty lips are leaving a trail down your neck.

You gulp hard, mouth drying, breathing unevenly, lips parted and eyes closed, lost in this heavenly feeling. He takes this opportunity to capture your lips with his, taking you in for a gentle kiss, he makes you turn around never breaking the kiss, now face to face, tilted at an angle, melting under each other's touch he cups your face, his body pressing into you.

Tongue gliding against each other, his hands roaming your body freely, discovering places you've never been before, eliciting feelings you've never felt before, he deepens the kiss, pressing his body against yours, your hands shakey, no power in your legs to stand straight he holds you up, suckling your lower lip he breaks the kiss letting you breathe, hands never leaving your body.

It felt like you were drunk. Drunk on love. Drunk on him. Being able to feel this intimacy with him got you falling for him head over heels all over again. Being able to feel his hands on you, his lips on your lips got you all dizzy in your head. Intoxicated by him wholly and completely, not being able to resist, you reach for his lips but he moves away.

"Wear your cloths and meet me outside the front gate."

It was quite sudden and processing the information was quite a job as you were still ticklish from his touches. Studying the confusion on your face, "fast."

You nod your head yes as he leaves. You pick up the alcohol drenched dress and wear it in a hurry, collecting your things you leave the bathroom, down the stairs your heart racing at the speed of light in the anticipation of what is to come next. You make your way through the crowd, eyes searching for his figure.

You meet him right where he told you to meet him. You take a breath, walking in his direction he smiles at you which you return, "let's go."

"Where?" You ask cuz genuinely you had no idea where he was gonna take you.

"Home, your home"

"I'll- I'll go by myself you don't have t-"

"I will. Now shall we?" he motions you to walk by him. You follow. Moving beside him, you both leave the house. Too afraid rather too shy to open your mouth and question literally everything that was happening right now you prefer silently walking. But someone had to say something because then it would get really awkward to even look him in the eyes, so you do, "umh so like are we a thing now?"

"A thing?" he looks at you with raised eyebrows, eyes glimmery under the street lights

"No! i mean like, like what are we now that we have, you know now that we have-"

"-kissed, and made out." he completes your sentence knowing your too shy to say the word.

"yea that." you reply not looking at him.

"What do you think are we?" For a moment you went blank. But then you thought. About the both of you. the term Friends is underrated and lovers is overrated.

"I truly don't know, but it's better this way."

"Better that nothing can define what we have?" he says looking at you.

"Better that we don't have any labels attached?" and you're looking at him.

"Better that we don't have to just be that one thing?"

"Better that we can be anything."

"we can be us." This line you both say in unison. Looking at each other you both chuckle, he's cute, he looks cute when he smiles, you both notice every little detail about each other. You dont have to say the I love yous, its natural you know, its in the way he smiles at you, its the way he looks at you that you know he loves you.

Moving in for a kiss, his warmth greets you again in the cold of the night. It was only meant to be a cute little peck but the hunger took over and it turned out to be a full blown make out session in the middle of nowhere.

"Fuck" he groans in between the hot battle of the lips not being able to keep up with you, cupping your face looking at you amazed and in awe, yeah apart from sad you are some greedy needy girl one must know, "yea me, please!" puppy eyes with need written all over your face he couldn't help but get even more excited by each second passing in your presence.

"Don't you think it's too early for that" he asks and an immediate frown drowns on your face. Shaking your head no, you convey your disapproval. Thinking of all the times you've wanted this, all times you've wanted Jaehyun, of all things you wanted him to do, and now that it is happening, you wouldn't say no to this not now not ever.

It's some kind of a different craving you have for him, it's not just love hell you don't even know what love is. This is not entirely a sexual, physical or mental want or need. It's an undescribable yearning for a connection. And it's beautiful.

Within seconds you both were melting into each other's arms, time was a forgotten concept and the world is a non-existent place for the both of you. Lips and hands and touch and kisses are the only reality you both are living in right now, it's crazy falling in love and it's even more crazy falling in love with him. If this is what love is.

With your mind going dizzy and vision blurry, lust taking over your body, knocking you out of your senses, too afraid to let him go and too afraid to hold him close, you let him take control. Under his guidance you reciprocate his every move, complete his every action, repay his every touch. His aroma soothing your pain and his presence giving peace to your heart, he's leading you home, you're home, he's your home.

Breath hitching and muffled moans leaving your mouth, your hands clench the blanket tightly as his tongue spells stars on your throbbing clit, hes been at it forever it seems, driving you too close to the edge but holding you strong enough to not let you fall just yet. The teasing part was the hardest. You didn't even knew when you guys made it to your bedroom, like just now you both were awkwardly talking on the road and then you were kissing in the elevator and tripping on the hallway and now you're lying completely naked with his head in between your legs, drinking your juices, bittersweet and he loves it.

"I thought it was the liquor burning but it's only you." the loss of contact makes you look up, his deselved look incites a tickle in your lower tummy, lips glistening because of your essence and eyes drunk, you reward him with a maon rolling your hips up, shutting your eyes tightly. A hiss leaves your lips when he replaces his tongue by his finger moving in sweet circular motion. His lips found a new spot sucking and biting the tender skin of your inner thighs leaving cherry sweet love bites here and there.

You throw your head back in ecstasy breathing in deep before completely holding your breath as he fastens the torture. Low grunts left his throat watching your core drip honey in full blossom. He lifts himself up, hovering over you, fingers never once stopping their job. Giving your neck an open mouthed kiss, he connects his lips with yours, biting and sucking your plump delicate lips, savouring every moment, tilting his head to be closer to you he inserts his finger into your wet hole, your body spasming to his unfamiliar touch, you arch your back meeting his chest, breathing in synchronisation, his fingers picks up the pace, breaking the kiss, his eyes never leaving yours, his palm grazing against your clit and finger going in and out of you makes you go feral, and he doesn't hold you this time. He lets you come undone under him.

Electricity running through your nerves sends your brain floating high up in 7th heaven. He lets you ride your high, training soft kisses down your neck to the middle of your breasts. Taking your left nipples in his mouth, suckling it sweetly he let his hands from between your legs to cup the other breast. The utter delicacy he does it with, god he's perfect in every way possible, how hes sucking and how hes nipping at it how he lets his tongue taste every corner of your skin, slowly and deliciously hes mind mapping you, learning every sound your making.

Too much, little do you know he's controlling himself too much, he wants to give it to you slow but little does he know you don't want it slow.

"Umh Jaehyun please" half a voice and half a moan you ask him to fuck you right then and there.

He laughs and sits in between your legs. "Impatient much huh?" tilting his cute little head his hair wavering with the motion, you nod with pleading eyes. He chuckles at you for the 9th time tonight. "Might have a condom?" No. You don't. You lay with a blank face. The thought saddened you that you won't be able to do it but, "Aww i do cutey"

"Jaehyun!!" You shout in embarrassment as he gets off of bed laughing hard at you. That's when you realise the whole time he was literally fully dressed, from head to toe. Disappointed in yourself, you get on your knees on the bed, him eyeing your every move, you shift to where he stood frozen looking at you, for a moment it was frightening, but you extend your hands reaching for his shirt, he gets what you want to do. With a smirk planted on his lips permanently, he turns towards you giving you full excess and freedom.

You look at him and divert your gaze, focusing on removing the shirt. One job done. Now as much as you wanna sit and stare at his abs, and ofcourse lick them again, this time properly pants still are needed to be undone.

You gulp hard, opening the button and sliding down the zipper, but before you could slide them down your hands were caught by his, "I know you wanna lick me again."

What the fuck.

Eye contact was a dangerous move in this game.

"Lick it."

And you are, your tongue flat against his hard muscles dragging from the bottom up to his clavicle.

"Good girl, you learn fast."

Planting a small kiss on his jaw you speak in whispers, "now im impatient and i need you to fuxk me real bad like right now."

He huffs. Not even in a second you're pushed back on the bed. "Don't move." is what he says as he removes his pants and boxers at the same time, revealing himself to you for the very first time. He sure is all breathtakingly sexy but all you care about right now is your dripping core and and his hard member inside you.

You let out a harsh noise of annoyance when he gets on the bed gently adjusting you the way he wants. He was gonna say you sure or not but before he could you reassured him that yes you want this as much as he wants it, and that you will never ever regret and and he could hurry up a bit because the need to feel him inside is physically hurting at this point.

Your soul leaves your body when he enters you, slowly at first but then when you insist hes in you in one swift motion. He stays like that for a while letting you adjust to him. He grunts lowly, "Baby don't do that."

"Do what?" your voice is barely audible.

"Let loose, relax yourself" he says, that's when you realise what you were doing. You mutter a small apology and try to relax yourself. You sigh in relief when he finally starts moving. "Feels good hmm?" his muffled voice sending shivers running down to your core, you whine in response not being able to think straight, just feeling him gripping your hips, his head buried in the crook of your neck, listen to his uneven breathing and low grunts is adding to the pleasure his providing you with.

He's aiming for his release, setting a fast pace, sweat dripping from his body, forehead sticking to each other hes holding himself up so he could go deeper and deeper with every thrust. Feeling his tip every time he enters you drives you towards your orgasm faster than before.

He sits himself up dragging you along with him. Positions are reversed now, "Put it in yourself." hesitant at first, with shaky hands you take it into your palm, not quite sure what to do first you give a few strokes which is enough to drive him insane, "Dont know how to?"

You were too busy admiring him in your hands for the first time that you almost forgot he was watching you, his question startled you, looking at him you say, "i do."

"Then do it."

"I am, just giving myself some time."

He imitates you, teasing you knowing your too innocent for him, he could do this all day. Flustered and somehow determined to prove him wrong you position yourself on top of him pointing its tip at your entrance. You slowly sink down on him, both of your eyes closing as a reflex. Holding his shoulders for the support you bottom out on him, making him moan your name loudly, you open your eyes and you are greeted with the most handsome face you've ever watched. Eyes shut closed, head rolled back in pleasure and furrowed forehand, what a view. Setting up a steady pace, you rock your hips back and forth, riding him leisurely.

His hands grip your waist assisting you,"Fuxk baby so sexy, just like that." Jaehyun seemed to have lost all control. Holding you up he thursts up at a hurried pace with all the energy that he can. Not once has he released for the night and now hes reaching hos high and so are you.

Breathy moans getting louder and louder with every thrust, harshly breathing and coming undone in each others arms was a pure bliss, especially when he held you close to him as you both tried to catch your breaths.

Both of your hair are a mess, bodies tired and covered in sweat, panting heavily. He is whispering praises in your ear, rubbing your back telling you you did good. Scratches of your nails formed on his shoulder and neck now turning red, tickling with sweet pain. Your head is on his shoulder, face in the crook of his neck, hands tangling and playing with the small stands of his hair. His arms holding you, making you feel safe. Making you feel loved. Making you feel at home.

"Tired?"

"yes"

"Why are you so cute huh?" you purr at his cheesy comment, Laughing a little, hugging him tighter.

"Jaehyun?"

"hmm?"

"Thanks for walking me home."

_________________________________________________

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