armpitnoodlejuice

[armpitnoodlejuice]

i wake up everyday and i say to myself…

you know this could be it.

and if it’s it,

is it ? Can it be the greatest day of my life even if it is the most painful day of my life. i don’t get how my mind works

i get how it works in the morning and i don’t get how it works at night. Waking up with a mind that’s lite, light, fright, heavy, sexy, ugly all at once. ugh can’t stand myself and i can stand myself.

i love and i hate how every morning i think everyone who has touched my heart and my thighs

giving a high and hives. i hate and adore you and him and her and me. Can’t stay made for too long, forgetting the evil and nonsense on purpose and now out of habit. my mind my mind my mind. you know this could be it! My last thought before death, i wonder what it will be. Probably something so funny. Probably something cool. Maybe 🤔 idk. i was so sick this time last year and i did think i was dying. It made me very bold. It’s one thing to be so sad that you ask for death. Another to be so ill that you accept death. Another to be sad, to be ill and pray and fight death to the death. To beat it and win over it. Option Vs possibility vs all of they above. i don’t know why it made me bold. I didn’t know what my operation would bring. But i just didn’t want to regret my death. I didn’t want to wake up on the other end and say fuck… what did i even accomplish. Why didn’t i enjoy life. Death will come for us all. My mother tells me everyday. Why does she say it so much … honestly i don’t know but i think that’s why i was able to be bold last year. I had the best year of my life when i thought i was dying. But here’s the thing. I am dying. So why did it take me so long to live until they told me on paper that i might not make it. Smh.

[armpitnoodlejuice]

I need a get right plan.

For food, exercise, money

said everyone in america.

No, but really I am overwhelmed.

[armpitnoodlejuice]

WFH? My ass

Half of you are MFH.

I know. Nasty.

your hand grind is NSFW. Just don't be on teams. logg off.. jizz life balance friends.

[armpitnoodlejuice]

Okay time to meal prep and go work out. 5am shhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiii my oh myyyyyyyy. Gosh darn.

My day is bubbling with activities.

I signed up for line dancing ( this hoe is getting down)

sewing and tailoring ( so into Taylors since watching Twilight)

Tai chi ( it's tight, real tight. Bruce leeeeee)

and well that is it until I get into something else I guess.

oh wait... took some odd jobs.... club promoting.. dog walking. You know gotta keep the dollar up..............to fuel these random activities and wheatgrass, rent that i cannot afford. Might do trusted sitters.... crazy how you can live free all year feeding cats

im allergic to cats tho any whoooooo

[armpitnoodlejuice]

jizz on read.. by COB

To the animals who think I will ever turn on my read receipts. HAAAA! HAA. and damn you all who have that preset. Have patience. I want to give you a thoughtful answer.. with the right amount of energy. If I was your lover and you wanted my time, my attention, and body. Don't you want it good? Don't you want shake and shivers.. no regrets... ?

Come on now. Just because we aren't lovers does not mean we cannot romanticize this friendship. It's lovely, or it could be lovely. Don't you want joy? Why suffer, why make that choice? But if being left on read makes you jizz a little. By all means.... i will write you back by COB of in five business days ( weekends may..or may not be included homie).

[armpitnoodlejuice]

He said:

I hate just being into someone sexually. Like ok

nasty nasty

now trashy trashy

make me a better human

make me wanna marry you

cuz when the sexual attraction fades....sigh now i gotta get to know you and im emotionally lazy baby

She said:

I am here to get to know your penis darling, you are secondary or maybe last after your mouth, hands, and skin. Your body is my treasure, but your mind and heart is trash. I hold my breath when you open your heart. I close my eyes when you bear your soul. I have no good reaction, emotion, or true real solid attraction to you and what you truly look like. I cannot make you a better human, I have no desire. My fetish is to fuck the things that truly disgust me. It's arousal darling, but it could never be love. You are beneath me. This is a service to the poor and disenfranchised, but a boost my ego. I am not a savior, but a sadist most evenings.

He said:

well, what do you think he said? I think he might have fallen in love in that moment. Maybe I can tell you what HE THOUGHT. Shock, confusion, arousal, and in 48 hours something else.

[armpitnoodlejuice]

I think I should deleted threads. I was kanye westing, amanda bynes-zing, birtney spear-zing on that bitch heavyyyy. I mean nothing offensive.. but i was rebounding from tumblr. The juice is better on here. It's true what they say every hole is made different. I prefer loose. Why doesn't anyone prefer loose? Threads too tight.. feel like I got a leash on my neck. Too dry to ride. Got to hop off. More space on here, let get nasty. Gonna beat it upp like I used to when I was young and before the back pain hit baby. I still love you galllll.

I came to beat it up and eat ittttttttttt owwwwwwwwww

[armpitnoodlejuice]

Shoutout to everyone who was on tumblr from day one. Thank you to all of you for posting you. the plain and alternative you. You all taught me they/them/zer, cis gender, poly, asexual, trans etc so early.

The early exposure helped a lot, also got more brave to live my life thanks to a lot you tumblr folk. An ode to your abandoned profiles. Even though I deleted so much of the images I reblogged and made this page really just my writing I must say

this website really really was a space for me to see beauty in my blackness. So many different type of beautiful black women and alternative! I was like shit, I am not alone? It also just exposed me to overall difference that I felt was celebrated. I actually really loved the diversity. This was my space and I am happy my friend got me on here. Need to hug her so tight when i see her.

[armpitnoodlejuice]

I dated this guy from Spain back in the day

He made fresh bread every single evening

Yes, evening.

I fell in love with his hands, with the flour on his shirt,

i needed to hear that knead.

I wanted that rise

oh oh which way should this little memory go....it was not supposed to go down this path but I will tell you how I went down on his bread every evening and some morning before he went to work.

you know I forgot his name. Oh darn... I will come back later.

I started making my own bread,, maybe it will come to me as i knead and knock?

[armpitnoodlejuice]

Journals and Lipton Evenings AKBG

I was a last born with the angry of the mid child

I was a latchkey kid raised by the neighborhood

I had poems before I had friends

I wrote myself into madness and out of it

I write spells, i gathered herbs...i read and I drank them in hot tea

journals and Lipton tea evenings

I was bullied, i was embarred, i was made fun of

I got so sick of it all so early in age. When I was 12 I told myself.

Is this what life is? Mean people, hurt feelings?

I am so tired of people hurting me, let me hurt myself, let me initiate the hurting and see if it feels the same.

I got so used to negativity and embarrassment, that I started embarrassing myself on purpose. I would walk into a room and expect it, wait for it. Receive it and sigh. Alright another one cool. I can be sad a little less now and go on with myself. I told myself if i know it's gonna happen why not get used to it? Why always be sad and devasted, i should know by now? This is the world and it hurts, but I do have to hurt as bad as I did yesterday. I was 12 and realized people were hypocritical, ppls changed their minds and this was power. I could do whatever I wanted and maybe you would come around later, or hopefully never at all. What s sigh of relief that I knew what to expect from humans so early. I stopped giving a fuck. I had hiccups with those fucks throughout the years and life transitions but it was a great foundation. I joined sports teams, knowing I was not welcome, I bathed in my own sunlight when i was not invited to your self of the beach. I ate different, i walked different. i spoke different. I thought different and think G-d I did and thank G-d I do. Where would i be if never embarrassed myself on purpose to got used to this world and be brave enough to live in it.

[armpitnoodlejuice]

no sleep till justice

I tried to fight my insomnia by staying in bed, but what do i recall. I write best during these hours. No more depriving myself. I ended up threads... almost twitter now x and LEX. Writing the shit.. that was meant to be written here.

[armpitnoodlejuice]

Gap tooth Smile

I look back at my old pics and

I think to myself, you look like you are hiding.

I look at my mouth and my lips are pressed together like I am forcing my mouth closed. Hiding that big ol perky gap tooth smile. I say now to myself:

"my friend OOOOPENNNNAAAAAA YOOOO MOUUUUTHAAAA OHHHH"

I want to reach into the picture and force my mouth open. What you hiding in there girl? All that open space, invite me in to see it.

#self esteem #gap teeth #short poem

[armpitnoodlejuice]

From 17 to 30

I am not sure if this is a realization.. apologize, or statement.

But I realize why I clung to you now

I will admit that I did not love you

I loved the mental profit you provided

You see, you fueled my creativity

When that stopped, or could not be consistent due to the mental conflict bleeding into the real and true idea of what I need to thrive

the type of relationships I need

I could not consistently want you

I could not make up my mind and wanted you to say go away

the tug and pull fueled my poetry

but when I could not write for you, influenced by you

I realized the mental profit was gone

nothing to gain. My pen was broke, the paper in the wallet, my brain bank read zero.

I am not sorry, that I used you. So I guess it's not an apology. Sorry to myself for being lazy, sorry to myself for not seeking other sources to fuel my creativity.

Sorry my the poetry that drew you to me was alluring and deceptive. I love and I love and I love and I have so much love. I would always say, how can I contain it and be selfish with it, it belongs all over! But from 17 to 30 my love has expanded into different areas. I think you thought it meant people only. No, no, no, it was people, places, things, ideas, and most of all me and all these versions of me from 17 to 30. Thanks for the experiences though, i cannot imagine you be later in age than me and experiencing me. I cannot imagine, but I have a feeling it was nice and the confusing and then cool. Cool is whatever you define it as.. a temperature, a touch, or a feeling.

#poemsaboutlove #age #relationships #break up

[armpitnoodlejuice]

30

i made it to 30. I didn’t die. 😆

I have so much to say and share. Doing 30 random things to celebrate 30. It’s been hard to do post surgery but. Started tai chi, baked bread, read a book, learned wood finishing, cut my hair off. This sounds like some old ppls shit, right? Hahaha. Always wanted to do some old people shit. Next thing : sky diving, learn hand dance, learn to sew and there’s more.

my only goal is to fall and fall and fall into love with life over and over and over again. That’s my everyday wish and you know every day is truly my birthday. I’m new everyday baby. I am born daily, every second and every hour. New cells regenerating, skin shedding, hair growing, i am alive and reborn. So why not celebrate everyday?

#poem

[armpitnoodlejuice]

age 29

i finally yelled back

after dream

after dream

of yelling

i yelled back

explosive anger. You grabbed me to strike me. i balled my first

somehow we both forgot

there’s 4 men working downstairs to fix the pipes

the chef is grilling steak in the yard

your wife is upstairs

my voice is loud

someone will be in trouble old man and it won’t be me

is today the day we die? Is today the day we get bruised? “i will call the police if you hit me”

“i will call the police if you hit me”

you know what that will do to us both? If they even make it, inside both of us are finished. i wanna keep our affairs private, but i also wanna show it on your face as much as i do mine. hit me if you want, because i will hit you back. Today is the day today is the morning. i am not my mother,

i am not my brother, i am not him, her, they, and them

i am your daughter. Inside i carry a temper… a madness for life as you do. Can you not see ? I am so mad. So mad that i dare to dream of peace and i am ready to scream for it. You are so mad so mad that you dare to kill a dream and you are ready to scream until it dies. May you never kill another dream or heart. May you never take anything or anyone from me again. you said if, i go you’ll curse me. A cursed man cannot curse. How do you not know this? Call me uneducated, did i not go to school for you? Call me worthless, do i not hold my weight in gold? Insult after insult like i am not someone’s daughter. Like i am not your daughter. But what do i expect. You beat my mother black and blue. You beat my brother black and blue. And countless others lives you bruised. Why would i be different. I know what i have always know - you cannot love. You will not love. I never asked for love, i just wanted peace. But you cannot offer and give what you never had. You lack. Your worth is less than mine will ever be. I may not know peace just yet. But i know which path to walk to gain it. I’m walking. I’m walking. Not much gas in the car and all i really need is one dress, slacks, basketball shorts, hoodie, t shirt, hula hoops and a yoga Matt. The rest will come. I’m gonna go to the park with my hula hoops and dance with my shadow. Why ignore her when she’s always kept me company. She fathered me better than you could ever. I waited long enough. I got the job and some coin. If i gotta sleep on the floor that is ok.

[armpitnoodlejuice]

I had a dream that you hurt someone. Makes me want to reach out and say hey. But we don’t talk. I haven’t thought about you in a long time. But that dream made so sick to my stomach. I know you’re capable of inflicting pain but to that extent, can you do that? will You do that?

[armpitnoodlejuice]

i don’t know why i wanted to hold you and not let go. I don’t know why i wanted that