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you really fucked up.

i couldn't wait until thursday.

i call you saying to come and get your stuff.

you don't even have the common courtesy to get back to me promptly.

i will hate you soon.

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i can't wait until i have the appetite to eat more than half a yogurt again. i've only eaten meals since if other people are around me and it is really a struggle. :\

this makes it sound like i think i'm struggling with an eating disorder or something... i don't think i am... i just have not had an appetite since it happened.

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rewind to a year ago

sometimes it is this warm out, sometimes it is not.

either way i revel in life.  i spend every night with my best friends.  i drink too much liquor and wine, trying to impress boys who either will never love me or who i hope will never love me, because love is this dangerous thing i do not understand.

it starts a little over a year ago - i start drinking too much in hopes of inviting you over.  you come over, almost always.  it is rushed, slightly scary, slightly thrilling.  in the morning it feels like a dream, but i know it's real because you have this awful habit of leaving hickeys everywhere, and bruises, and once your beard literally slices up my chin.  it's passionate.  i tell you i like you.  you tell me you like me.  it's all to get into one another's pants, even though we don't.

i listen to songs that ward me from loving you.  songs about getting drunk, and goofing off, and not falling in love.  i kiss other boys.  i ignore you for days at a time.  i do not want to love you because no one has ever loved me back and i've never been in love and the notion terrifies me.  i think i almost loved a boy a few months ago, and he is just awful to me and i know you will be awful to me too.

you invite me over as often as i invite you over.  i always say no.

but then one day, i am lonely and sober.  it's sunny out and warm.  i sit in my room and think, "would it be so bad?  would it be so bad if i fall for you?"  you have been nothing but kind to me, understanding of my problems, even.  i get in the car.  i drive to see you.  a friend texts me in disbelief that i've stopped being such a flake.

it progresses from there.  we are always drunk or awfully hungover.  but those moments are perfect moments that smell of mid-spring and feel like the sunshine.

soon it is summer, and we do dumb things.  sometimes we drink too much.  once we go hiking.  often we see movies with our friends.  next thing we know, we are together, and in even more of a rush than that, we are in love.

we fight sometimes.  we still drink too much.  we go on long drives for no reason.  i give myself to you in every way i can, and i am under the impression you give yourself to me in such a way, too.  not virginity for you.  just your first love, your first full confidence in a person.

but, nine months later, you leave me.  you leave me with a "maybe" and this deep sense of confusion.  i am irrationally obsessed at first and worry that i will turn into glenn close in "fatal attraction".  but then... i still want you.  i still want you to make up your mind.

i love you.  you love me.  what's so complicated about that?

and so i wait, but i can't wait too long, and i stay away as much as i can...

i am happy.  i am as happy without you as i was with you, to be honest, because i am the sort of person who does not allow myself to be unhappy unless i deserve to be.  but i know, as happy as i am now, a part of me has gone missing.  and i'd like that part back.

on thursday we will talk.  maybe we will reconcile.  maybe i will put everything you ever gave me or left at my house in a box and make you come fetch it.  i can't imagine throwing a thing of yours away.  in will go a bottle of liquor, a stuffed animal, a toothbrush, a photograph.  a vibrator, for christ's sake - i don't know if that was a necessary gift, but it made me laugh.  you may throw them away if you wish.  for now the pictures still hang on my wall.  i ignore them.

i can't ignore the memories, though.

#rant #self post #me #breaking up #break up #sad

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guys shut up, KOK is just like an imitation of AHTT and we all know it.  ALPHA ETA PI FOR LIFE

tweeting @dannydevito asking him to fund IU's Greek Formal and telling him to call up my grandparents to prove we are related lmfao

GREEK LIFE IS DESPERATE FOR FUNDS OK. I WANT AN OPEN BAR

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help?

righttt.

so aaron and i broke up yesterday.  basically he was expressing a lot of confusion about our relationship & i suggested we break up and he went through with it.  he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and he needs some time.

i was crazy clingy yesterday, but today i kinda sat down and thought rationally about it and realized i had a lot of the same issues with our relationship that he did.  i really wanna bring it up to him, and soon since, well... i have shit coming up i planned on him being there for, tbh.  anyway, i am afraid he will think i'm stalkerish if i do it today due to my clinginess yesterday, & he also needs space.

so the question is, when is the appropriate time to reach out to him if he hasn't reached out to me?  tomorrow?  the next day?

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i don't want to know anything about you anymore.

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i seriously want to go to bed tonight and die in my sleep.  i never want to wake up.  i just want to be dead, and i don't want to know if you miss me or not.

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i want to die

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i will never know what i did wrong...

i just miss him already.

i fucked up so bad.

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we broke up, i don't even want to be alive anymore

why?

what happened?????

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Hunger Games Challenge: 11. Something you hate about the series

EVERYONE I LOVE DIES.

Hahaha, but no, really.  I was really, really upset to see Rue, Boggs, Finnick and Prim kick the bucket.

#spoilers #the hunger games

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Hunger Games Challenge: 10. Peeta or Gale?

Peeta!!

I love Gale, don't get me wrong.  But if we're talking, which boy is:

a) better for Katniss

b) the one I would rather be with

...then Peeta is the answer or both.  Reasons why:

a) The way Katniss justifies it - Peeta brings that sunshine to her life!  She's an angry girl and he's a happy dude.  Furthermore, he really loves her so unselfishly.  I mean, after he's hijacked he isn't completely flawless, but Gale constantly holds a lot against her about her love for Peeta, and Peeta's sorta like, "Oh, you love Gale?  Dat's okay."

b) Peeta for the same reason.  I'm angry a lot.  Haha.  My boyfriend is a totally nevuh angry dude and that really helps me out... Gale's too intense in his anger at the world.  Worse than me, worse than Katniss even!

#team peeta