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bloomingoutcast · 10 months

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I was originally going to post this on my blog, but I don't feel like waiting to finish making it, so I'll just post it here. I also want to get my thoughts out there before something were to happen to me.

This is a very long and personal post that deals with serious topics like suicide, paraphilias and discrimination. If these topics are too upsetting for you I would advise you not to read.

When I look back on my life, especially the most awful parts, I realize just how prevalent I was hurt by another human being, especially emotionally. This isn't to say that all humans are inherently evil or bad, but there's a lot of things that humans have done to cause me more pain or ruin my life compared to non human animals. One thing that I have particularly noticed is that I am not as suicidal, self conscious anxious, or annoyed when I am by myself, or with my dog in the comfort of my home. An example of this is when everyone went into quarantine due to the pandemic.

When Covid 19 first hit in my country, I was a senior in highschool. I was stressed over schoolwork and my suicidal thoughts were starting to get worse. However, due to the pandemic, my school shut down, and all of my classes moved online. This was a godsend to me because not only could I focus better on my classes and not have to deal with annoying classmates all day, but the workload provided in my classes was shorter as well. I didn't feel as sad, grumpy or anxious at home as I did at school. Ever since middle school, I've always wanted to take classes online instead of going to school in person.

However, my mother would always protest against it because she believed that the only type of online learning was homeschooling and she and my grandmother were too busy with work to homeschool me. As covid continued into the year 2021, I started taking online classes for college which is a much better learning environment than the one I had in middle and high school. Another reason why online college classes appealed to me was that I could go at my own pace and not be forced to take multiple classes at once.

Another way that humans have hurt me is through friendships. To elaborate, I only had two people I considered my friends while I was in highschool. I got along with one of my friends well, but during the pandemic we lost touch. The reason we lost touch was that I didn't feel like they were putting in as much effort into the friendship as I was so I decided to test them to see how long they would contact me if I stopped iniating conversations. My friend never texted me back, so I just asumed that they didn't care or didn't want to be friends anymore. In addition, I realized that they were using me as a therapist, and they didn't really care about my feelings as much as I cared about theirs.

My other friend hurt me because she told me she cancelled her birthday party, just so I wouldn't go even though the party wasn't canceled for other people. Her reasoning was that there would be people smoking and vaping and she just assumed that it would make me uncomfortable, but I didn't understand why she couldn't just tell me upfront instead of lying to me. There was also one time where she showed me a video of a guy shooting himself in the head because she thought it was funny for some reason.

I was devestated when I realized that my friends weren't really any good, but after some time, I realized that I don't need human friends to make me happy as I was spending more time by myself during the pandemic. To clarify, as I stayed home during lockdown I also got to spend more time with my dog. Throughout our time together I noticed that my dog provides me with the most loyal and accepting amount of love I have ever received in my life. Unlike most of the other people in my life, she accepts me for who I am and she isn't socialized to see me as less than due to my blackness, gender, weight, sexuality, appearance, personality etc.

She sees someone who pets her, plays with her, makes her feel happy and loved and that's all that matters to her. Although I appreciate and am very thankful for the love and financial support that other people like my mom give me, her love for me would most likely vanish or diminish if I told her the truth about my zoosexuality or if I failed out of college. Even when I get mad at my dog for sometimes barking and growling at people while going on walks, I realized that this tiny dog full of spunk and spirit would protect me faster than most humans even when it wasn't needed.

Also, as a Black woman, I know just how dehumanized and unprotected Black women are, even within the Black community (Insert link here). So I really appreciate just how much my dog values my life enough to protect me from any harm, even if it isn't that effective due to her size. I never realized just how much I took my dog's love for granted until the pandemic and I am truly grateful for her being in my life. Although our relationship isn't perfect as she can be stubborn, noisy, and annoying sometimes, she is the only one who has fully accepted me as I am.

I've never had to hide anything from her in fear that she wouldn't love me anymore. My relationship with her opened my eyes to the way that romantic and sexual relationships with animals are devalued in society despite the fact that most pets aren't as bigoted or judgmental compared to humans.

This isn't to say that I wouldn't mind having a person to call my friend or even lover, but making human relationships has become less of a priority in my life. I didn't really miss anyone from my highschool outside of a few acquaintances that were nice to me, so it's not like I lost any sense of community, because I never felt like I belonged in one to begin with. To elaborate, ever since middle school, I've always felt like an outsider, but at home I could be myself, (atleast more of myself when my family isn't home).

I realize now that humans are the reason why I feel so out of place in this world. A large majority of humans subscribe to prejudice and discriminatory beliefs about others due to inconsequential things like gender, skin color, class, sex, weight, disability, sexuality etc. In addition, society has created expectations and stereotypes based on these characteristics and indentities.

The second you don't fit into a nice neat box for people to profile you, you are treated like a defective robot, or you are even ostracized by other people who have the same intersections as you because they Internalize bigoted stereotypes too History has shown that some marginalized identities today were able to thrive in some communities and civilizations because people were not socialized to view them in a negative light. Sometimes, I even have to check myself for having bigoted beliefs due to how prevalent they are in the media and throughout most human interactions. When I'm by myself, I have more time to critically think about the roles and expectations that society places on others and on me as a Black woman with multiple intersections. This makes ot harder to internalize bigotry as I spend less time around people who reinforce harmful beliefs.

Moving on, as time in quarantine went on, I became more focused on myself. Specifically, I focused on my beliefs, what I wanted from life, and how I could achieve my goals and happiness without other people. I also focused more on my hobbies such as reading, drawing, listening to music, playing videogames, and watching my favorite shows due to the increased amount of free time I had under the pandemic.

For awhile, I thought my suicidal thoughts and constant mood swings were on their way out, atleast when I didn't have to be be around my grandmother or around rude people. Unfortunately, I was proven wrong when I started my first job in 2022 as a "part time" cashier. I put part time in quotations as when I first started the schedule was fairly descent, but during uptime, I dang near worked fulltime.

I won't specifiy the corporation of where I worked due to safety and privacy reasons, but the job seemed fine at first. The work environment was nice, and didn't feel as stressful even when I was new to everything. The reason why I started this job was to gain more experience in the workforce and earn some money of my own. Although I am grateful that I had the chance to gain some work experience and earn money for myself to help pay for some of my college expenses, there were definitely some things that bothered me.

About two months into the job, I started feeling a bit stressed about going to work and sometimes my mood would shift drastically in short periods of time, even more than it already does. However, I am a very private person and I am used to keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself, so I tried to hide my negative emotions as much as possible. In addition, I was also learning how to drive at this time, which also added more stress to my life, but over time I got used to driving while I carpooled to work with my mom.

At work I was almost constantly surrounded by larger groups of people, whereas before I was mostly just by myself or with my mom and grandma at home. Sometimes when I messed up at work I felt like I could never do anything right and I mentally beat myself up for it. It doesn't help that I had this one coworker who liked to micro manage me and act like the manager even though it wasn't her place. The worst part is that she always tried to hide her bossiness by pretending to be polite.

I kept my negative thoughts about her to myself and tried to keep a straight face, but she was so fucking annoying. She always had to critique me about some small thing when I was in her presence and she always acts like I couldn't hear her so she says"Did you hear what I said?" all the fucking time. She would get on me for shit the head manager didn't even care about. Everytime she opened her mouth I couldn't help but think to myself, Shut the hell up no one cares! Her voice is so whiny and high pitched that she sounds like a child and it makes me want to yank her ponytail from her scalp.

Sometimes I would internally panic when I thought I heard her voice, only to realize that it was a customer that sounded similar to her. Thankfully, I didn't have any other issues or problems with the rest of my coworkers as some of them were really nice to me. I also had a bad experiences when my job moved to a bigger store. I wasn't used to working at a big store, as the first store I worked at was much smaller.

When I started work at the bigger store, there was little to no training for me, so I just spent most of my time making the shelves look neat and putting things back in place where they didn't belong. This was one of the few things that I genuinely enjoyed doing because I found organizing things to be satisfying. Unfortunately, the store was being redecorated and lots of products would move to a different place everyday.

I still worked part time, so for the most part I didn't know where everything was, so it was annoying when customers would ask me where something is and I'd have to go on a scavenger hunt to find it. The way the store restocked things was different from what I was used to and I would spend hours trying to find a place for things on already overcrowded shelves which was stressful to me. Some customers were understanding when it came to finding things for them, but some were really rude about it.

One time, I was helping this customer find something, but I didn't know where it was. I wasn't too far off as it was in the same ilse as the product, but then they found it and told me "Next time someone asks you where something is, now you'll know" in a passive aggressive manner. I wanted to punt them in the face so bad, but I didn't want to lose my job, so I just walked away. Although being belittled by customers is unfortunately expected of most minimum wage jobs, it's still something I'd rather not be subjected to.

Sometimes, it makes me feel more justified in hating myself because of my mistakes or the lack of patience I receive with some customers. Luckily, there are some really nice people that usually sometimes outnumber the rude ones but I can't help but feel my emotions so strongly when I have to interact with so many people while simultaneously make sure that I am doing my job correctly. I will say that it does make me happy to help people at my job.

One of the positive experiences I had is when I helped a customer find a hat that they wanted to buy and they were so happy, despite my simple effort. Despite all of this, it can feel like whiplash when I interact with a kind customer only to be dehumanized by another. It's like my feelings are on a tightrope and any interaction can make me fall into a range of emotions. In addition, I've always been told that I'm too sensitive and I take things too personally, especially by my mother, but it's not like there is an off switch to my emotions. Also, someone has to give a damn or else things will stay the same. So what if I'm sensitive? In my opinion, the world needs more people who are vocal about their emotions and feelings.

We live in such a materialistic society where it is normalized for others to be treated and discarded like objects. If nobody cared or was sensitive enough to talk about the impacts of this extreme materialism, nothing would change. If past activists weren't sensitive to the way society treated them and others, none of us would have half of the rights that we have today.

As I get older I have become tired of trying to hide my emotions all of the time. Atleast when I am by myself or with my dog, I don't have to hide how I feel and I can freely express myself with no guilt. Although it can feel like a burden at tines, my strong emotions remind me just how human I am and that holding it in isn't healthy no matter how much society says otherwise. People can be so judgmental when you don't act like an unemotional robot, or happy all of the time, especially at work.

Also, when I messed up at work, sometimes I would feel really stressed, or suddenly become very apathetic, like nothing matters in life because we're all going to die or get harmed from global warming, or some other catastrophe like nuclear warfare. I don't know why, but thinking about the end of the world, or society collapsing gives me this morbid sense of comfort. Like if something bad happened similarly to what happened with covid 19, I would be forced to take another break and I could focus more on the things that bring me joy in life before I die from said catastrophic event.

Another set of thoughts that I sometimes think about is the destruction of most if not all of the human race. These thoughts usually occur when I'm pissed off or really sad. Sometimes I fantasize about aiding in the destruction myself. Although these destructive fantasies scare myself at times, these thoughts make me appreciate that nothing in life is forever, even if it takes awhile for something to end.

Another distinct customer interaction that stood out to me was when I asked a customer for their I. D. to check their age as it is required of my job while as a cashier. The customer got upset with me and said that it takes years to get to the high position where they are. I didn't say anything rude back to them and continued on with my job, but I was smiling through my mask (At the time, I wore a face mask at work so I wouldn't get covid). Usually when I'm angry, I frown, but this time I smiled which scared myself a bit, then I started to chuckle to myself, but not loud enough for the customer to hear. The only thing I could think to myself was, It's so cute how special you think you are. The fact that this customer thought that rules don't apply to them was a little funny.

I realized that no matter how much older this person was than me, they were acting like an entitled child. Although being in a higher position can be impressive, it does not give you an excuse to be rude or do whatever you want without consequences. In my opinion, a person's status means nothing if they use it to be an asshole and after reflecting on this experience, I noticed just how unimportant this customer's position would be if all of society were to collapse or if humanity ceased to exist. Humans are but a small presence on the earth's lifespan. Although we have a big impact on the earth's environment, none of our social norms or hierarchies inherently matter to nature. Unless enough humans abide by it, being in a high position of power means nothing.

For instance, being a dictator usually means that you have enough people under your control to get almost anything you desire. However, in nature you can not force a tree to bear you fruit or tell the weather to be sunny just by being a dictator. Nature has its own rules and humans can not always alter or force it to change unless we have the technology to do so. Even when the earth has been damaged, it usually finds a way to heal itself even if it takes awhile. Humans however, are not as invincible or untouchable as some of us think we are. Even if the last person left on earth was a ruler, president, CEO, a celebrity, a government official, etc their position wouldn't matter because there is no one else around to uphold their status by giving them preferential treatment.

Nature doesn't care what position you are, only people do, because all of these high positions in society are man made inventions. Nature can be very humbling as most of it is beyond human control. I feel like there was a reason why a majority of ancient civilizations had deities based off nature, or even animals. I think that this is because those civilizations realized that humans were equal to nature. They realized that no matter how high your status was in society, there would always be things outside of your control and nature was probably the biggest reminder of that.

Although unpleasant, my interaction with that rude customer was one of the many things that helped me realized that most of, if not all of society is made up, and just like that customer's status, these hierarchies mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, as of now, I try to minimize my intetactions (mostly face to face interactions) with humans. Although I used to be somewhat excited about meeting new people, I've realized that it's usually not worth it.

Even when I seem to get along with someone, eventually, they end up saying something bigoted, I show more of my personality to them and weird them out, or they treat me like an object and not a person. I'm also tired of feeling disrespected and having my kindness taken advantage of at times. Somedays I feel like the only time people notice me is when I do something wrong, or when I'm needed for something. Any other time, I might as well be a ghost. Even family and ex friends have made me feel terrible over the smallest things. It's like the second I make one mistake, everyone gets mad at me, but no one really explains why they're mad at me.

Sometimes I also get unsolicited opinions about my appreance, introversion, or hobbies. I'm already hard on myself most of the time, so when others judge or get angry at me, it makes me feel fifty times worse about myself. Even my mom, who I am closest to, can make me feel bad or stupid for not knowing everything despite the fact that I don't expect her to know everything as well. She also has expectations for me to do well in college which make me feel pressured, and even more scared to fail. Sometimes she can be very indecisive, or she won't tell me all the details of something and then she'll jokingly tease me or get mad at me because she expected me to already know something.

I'm a person that prefers to know most of the details before I start doing something, but my mom will usually tell me the details afterwards which can be frustrating. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be human and make mistakes like everyone else. That everyone is just waiting for me to fail, just so they can yell or laugh at me. That I can never do anything right and I'm a useless waste of space. Socializing and spending time with most humans has shown me just how uncompatible I am with others and that I should just keep my distance from them when I can. Everytime I feel bad about myself, i realize that the main cause was interacting with other people.

Even when I'm by myself, I'll often remember a painful memory that happened when I was socializing and I become all sad or angry again like it just happened. Each bad memory chips away at the peace I usually have when I'm alone by myself or with my dog. It's really difficult for me to find someone that I truly get along with on a deeper level. Someone that shares or is even open minded to my point of view. Someone that doesn't make me feel bad or weird for not abiding by the status quo by being myself. Someone who is patient with me and understanding. Someone who appreciates me as I am and doesn't make me feel like I need to be like everybody else. Someone who reciprocates the same amount of sympathy, kindness, and thoughtfulness that I do.

Even when I do seem to get along with someone, we just end up being acquantises and I never see or talk to them again. Also, they would most likely hate me if I came out about being zoosexual anyway. At this point it's for the best if I stay away from humans in general. A lot of them have shown me just how awful and disappointing most people are. Due to my past experiences, I can't help but feel like most human relationships are a waste of time and energy.

Despite all of the good times I've had socializing, the bad experiences outweigh the good. Hopefully in the future I can find a good paying job that I'm decent at with minimal to little human interaction. I feel like that's the only way I could make a living while staying somewhat sane. At the time of writing this, I don't have this job anymore as I am focusing more on college, but sometimes I still feel suicidal due to tragedies like discrimination and global waming, when I remember painful memories, or due to the pressure to succeed in my harder classes.

I just wished I lived in a world where degrees and arbitrary things don't determine my worth. It's like sometimes, no matter what I do It's never enough for society or the people around me. Why can't I just exist and have my value determined by the way I treat other people or the good deeds that I've done? I'm just glad that I have my dog in my life. Sometimes when I think about departing from this existence, I think of the pain I would feel from leaving her. She is the only one who cares about me without any bigotry or societal pressures to fit within the status quo.

#long post #ventpost #tw suicide #suicide #tw paraphilia #paraphilias

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