borderline-vents

[borderline-vents]

ffuck my fp. i sent her an image it was fuckin stupid it was ascreenshot of some dealing w being an fp advice but v cropped and it said avoid lying dont make promises you cant keep(something shes done lots before thats made me split lots and i cant.im sorry why.wjat) and all she saud was 'i hate you' qnd that sounds like something she would say as a jok e but i sent sometthing serious and i just responded w 'ok'qnd she jasnt replied yet in like 2 min and fufk is it.fuck i cant . i cant jhust interpret it as a joke she knows how badly my last relationship ended with words like that and fuck i hate im. fuck

-🌫

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#borderline vent #fp vent #🌫️

[borderline-vents]

I hate feeling completely empty even when i talk to people and even if the emptiness goes away when im with others its only temporary and ill feel like that again once i go home. The problem has never been anybody else, the emptiness, the big gaping hole in my chest lies within me and nothing else has caused it. the problem is me, it always has been, it always will be. I wish to escape this body, i wish to escape this mind but i am trapped. i want to be free.

I bound by my emotions, my feelings. I beg and pray that one day I'll wake up and this will all just be a big scary nightmare but its not. its real, and i just cant bare to face it.

I cant really recognize my own face in the mirror. I knwo, logically, thats me, but everytime i look its like i see something different, like its just not me. I cant recognize myself. I dont know who i am, or who im supposed to be. when i people pleased at least i had some sense of what role to play, but now ive been more alone i dont know what to do. how to act. i dont know myself. i dont know me. i dont know if im real.

on a side note i think im finally letting go of my fp! hooray

-🫁

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#borderline vent #🫁 #depersonalization

[borderline-vents]

[mention of suicide]

I AM. angry. i Know it isnt for good reason but when have my emotions been warranted. my fp is 'socializing'. im. fuming inside about it. just tell me im not enough . just tell me you're sick of me. fuck. i thought we were OK. i thought you were FINE being in an unhealthy relationship. ive never loved you more than when you told me you'd kill yourself if you lost me. we had a PACT. we were going to give up together if it came to it. and now here you are. getting better. here you are looking for something else in your world. and im not the one showing it to you. fuck im angry. yeah i bet you are having so much fucking fun at your stupid social event. i hope they're all bigoted. i hope they hurt you. i hope you come crying to me and never try to leave again. otherwise i will disappear so you can hang out with your new fucking buddies. (i might also be angry because the one to suggest this was their step father. my own father had a history of shoving me in to situations that just shy of traumatized me because he thought he could fix me. ) why is this helping you. why is socializing something that could help . why am i the freak.i thought you understood. i thought you also didn't need anyone but me. i should have seen the warning signs, the discord servers, the friend groups . but for some fucking reason that all seemed fleeting and incidental; it would all go away once i moved in and you wouldn't need a crutch of socializing to spend your free time with. but no. im the schizoid who got too close and trusted you like a borderline moron. the bpd part of me is falling apart now because this is the last thing it trusted so i guess its time to lean into the schizoid . i was going to leave her anyways. she wouldn't like the life i want, so it was always going to happen.

-🌫

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#borderline vent #fp vent #🌫️ #suicide

[borderline-vents]

god imagine getting obsessed and mad over someone who never responds when you have lots of other people who would be more than happy to talk to you and be friends with you couldnt be me thats so cringe /sarc

-🫁

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#borderline vent #🫁

[borderline-vents]

how come my fp has time to talk to others once he wakes up but not to answer my messages? it's not fair, does he find me annoying? am i that replaceable? he once said that he always checks my messages in the morning, guess that was a fucking lie

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#borderline vent #fp vent

[borderline-vents]

[self harm ideation]

lately my antidepressants have seemed less effective or at least way less consistent i guess and it leaves me with little control over myself due to strong but short bursts of emotion throughout the day (most problematic is when i get too excited and blurt something out, but no one responds or acknowldges me and then i feel like absolute shit) but its been culminating at the end of the day with this aching chest all encompassing dread/emptiness that just leaves me unable to do anything but feel sick from how miserable i am . cant watch something or play games let alone something more than that like draw or read and those are the only things that seem to affect my mood cuz they take me out of reality for a short bit but i just. cant .i cant even listen to music withhout something in my head throwing a fit and breaking down . and of course the only way i can seem to drown out this aimless ache is through sel f harm . because i need to get the feeling out or overwrite it or something Anything and its so difficult and i know i cant tell my fp cuz she would panic cuz she has experience w/ it and told me never to indulge in it but shes so far away and theres nothing else to do . i try to distract myself i really do but things just arent working and it hurts because please im trying and it hurts cant things just *work* for once but no the few games i can try to play crash when i try to open em or i die too much and cant handle it and i try pouring my meager energy into a near complete drawing but once i post it no one cares and i just . cant . i just need to be able to push the hollow ache away i need an outlet and i know i cant complain to anyone or talk to anyone cuz they will make a panic or try and make me stop but its this or straight to suicidal ideology and out of the two id rather have a difficult time walking . i might talk to my counselor abt it though i dont. know. i was.she said i was nice to talk to that i was a relaxing way to end the day so how . am i supposed to ruin that now ? i just. i just cant . and since its not physically disabling its hard for me to take seriously but when i reread my genuine complaints its like Yeah. that Is bad. but what am i supposed to do about it besides hurt

-🌫

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#borderline vent #depression #self harm #suicidal ideation #🌫️

[borderline-vents]

Tw; alcohol

I don't think our FP is our FP anymore. We don't know what to do. She was our everything, the reason we got up in the mornings, and now we feel... nothing? Not even a single drop of emotions. We feel so apathetic and depressed, and we just wish things would get worse again. We want to get worse because that's when we loved our FP the most. We started drinking again, too. I don't even understand why, and I know she'd be disappointed. I just want what we had back :(

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#borderline vent #fp vent #alcohol

[borderline-vents]

god i fucking hate my fp so much. it never makes time for me. its always hanging out w one of our friends (ill call her a for short) and now i fucking hate her. he's always talking to her. why cant it talk to me? a even made it start respecting it when the national anthem plays. a makes my fp a better person and i fucking hate. i couldve done that. i TRIED to do that. i gave all of my fucking effort to do that and its done all by someone who doesnt even seem like she tries. a gets all of its attention and it makes me wanna stab her. its not fair. its not fair. i tried so hard for fp's attention, for his love, and once its in my grasp its gone.

-🫁

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#borderline vent #🫁 #fp vent #violence

[borderline-vents]

//um i don't know what tags this would need its just complaining about how my brain seems to(not) work

i heard abt szpd schizoid personality disorder and . eugh . it lines up perfectly with how my brain works. but so does bpd . needing someone and not at the same time wanting them to stay and also just ugh. why bother? it doesn't matter? it's just an extra chore to keep someone around and act nice so that they're happy. id be at peace much more in complete isolation so why cant i just go already? it makes my brain a mess cuz it wants someone to cling to and i know id be better off alone its way more trouble than it's worth(and trust me it is NOT worth much) . ik im not plural but my brain keeps trying to be so that it can be alone and not at the same time . doesnt do anything besides make me miserable and disappointed in myself for the part of me that seeks a disorder or something that makes others struggle. i should be glad i dont have to deal with the pain and confusion that comes with it, so why does part of me crave it? whats wrong with me?

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#borderline vent

[borderline-vents]

[general complaint]

eugh yaknow imposter syndrome hits hard but i have terrible memory issues and reading old vents of mine hits harder . id probably be in a psych ward or hospital or some shit if ppl knew exactly how i lived my day to day life . what do you mean ppl dont plan murder and/or suicide when theyre upset . gods sorry im just having a rough time ive got 2 therapy-esque appts missing in a row and i Need those</3

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#borderline vent #🌫️ #murder #suicide

[borderline-vents]

[i dont know .venting abt an ex ig]

i shouldn't be looking again. i left you. i left you. you didn't even care did you. it ruined me and it didnt leave a mark on you. i still think about you and i don't want to I DON'T WANT TO .i broke up with you so why am i the one who is hurt. i could've been friends you didnt do anything wrong. i hate bpd i hate splitting in both directions. they didn't do anything wrong. but they did everything wrong and hurt me. but it was my fault. i should have said something but how could i when they DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. its not fair for me to feel this way i owe them to be better. why aren't you hurt. you thought i never cared and you're doing just fucking fine with your loving close-knit family and big group of friends and job and everything is so perfect for you and YOU ACTED LIKE I HURT YOU?? you had the fucking GALL. to tell ME to fuck off. to call ME an asshole. WITHOUT EVEN SKIPPING A BEAT ONLINE? you haven't even blocked me. you still follow an unused sideblog of mine. i left a message on a corner of the internet i knew you wouldn't see but fuck it hurts because i never wanted that but i cant believe i ruined it anyways

-🌫

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#borderline vent #fp vent #🌫️ #splitting

[borderline-vents]

I'm waxing my legs and it's painful! But everytime i get scared I ask myself if it's as bad as what you did to me. And it isn't in anyway. I get the courage in that instant to rip the strip off. It doesn't even come close. Not even at my ankle.

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#borderline vent

[borderline-vents]

tw sh/cutting

lovveee wanting to cut myself no matter what i feel. down? cut yourself. depressed? cut yourself. tired? cut yourself. empty? cut yourself. /sarc

i loovveee feeling empty. yeah so great. /sarc

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#borderline vent #self harm #tw sh

[borderline-vents]

Tw toxic relationship + sui mentions + seggzual abuse mention

Most of my fps just deleted their tumblr accounts without a goodbye so I filled the void by hyperfixating on a fictional old man and now said fictional old man is my comfort character but my bf (one of my fps) might have jealousy issues and I’ll have to explain to him why instead of missing him I just went looking for something else and I’m scared it’s gonna break into fight cuz one of my friends is trying so hard to keep me and him together because my previous bf killed himself and it was most likely me and my friend’s fault so this relationship is practically all I have left. My first boyfriend was sexually abusive (constantly threatening to do sexual things to me), my second bf was controlling as fuck, my third one literally killed himself over a fight with me and now me and my friend are stretching ourselves thin trying to make this fourth one work cuz 1. I caught feelings for my current bf’s best friend, 2. I’m still grieving my third bf’s death and 3. My BPD and ADHD symptoms are getting worse and so is my living situation.

The pain never stops

TLDR: currently worrying about my current relationship cuz of stupidity, my new comfort character and memories of my 3 past relationships

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#borderline vent #fp vent #sexual abuse #suicide #sexual assault

[borderline-vents]

I cant stand seeing my fp and my friend talk and do things w/o me. what do you mean you're on call with her? why didnt you call me first? am i not your first option? do i not matter tto you? do you not love me? do you like her better than me? is that what you're saying?

-����

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#borderline vent #fp vent #🫁

[borderline-vents]

WAHAT THE FUCK EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF YOU I WANT TO RIP MY EYES OUT

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#borderline vent #violence

[borderline-vents]

Tw suicide and gibberish venting and unreality/dereality whatever the fuck it's called sorry

I feel so dizzy so exhausted so tired. Why does everyone hate me. I cant stop fuckimg crying. All I want is to be loved. I was not built to survive in a world like this. I'm so weak. I'm crying so hard. I can barely breathe. Love me please just love me. I feel like im abojt to faint. Nothing feels real anymore. I feel fake. I want new friends. I feel nauseous. Why do they all hate me. They're probably all talking about how much they hate me. I swear they all fuxking despise me. They always ignore me. They're doing this on purpose. They never listen to me. Why am I always ignored what the fuck did I do to deserve this. This feels fake. It feels like they're manipulating me. My life feels like a stage play. I think they're doing this all on purpose. I can't stop fucking crying.why am I so weak I dont fucking know. Everyone hates me or whatever I cant fucking do it anymore . Why is my life a psyop why are they all planning shit why are they all about to throw me out why do I care so much I just don't know I don't know I don't fucking know I dint know how to act I always do shit wrong I'm such a fucking failure of a person a weak fucking bitch.thered no way I'm ever gonna have a life. I'm gonna be another fucking bpd statistic. I'm gonna commit suicide. There's no way I'm gonna be able to live past a certain age. I just know that my life is gonna end in suicide. I'm gonna fucking kill myself one day. It's a premonition. If the world doesn't end and kill me first them ill take my fucking life. Poor me. If only you all just loved me a little harder. I hate you all. I'm gonna fucking kill myself one day. That's how my life is gonna end. I hate you I fucking hate you

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#borderline vent #suicide #unreality