burtfurlong

[burtfurlong]

Oily Night No matter how best you are, some chuckleheads aren’t going to believe it.  Until they learn the hard way.  You might think once you have the most money of anyone and 50 girlfriends you got it all, but you’d be wrong.  Once you got the most money, 50 girlfriends, millions and millions of the best guns and swords with trillions of perfect bullets, and the balls to commit any crime always and never get busted by the police or FBI and a magic car; you got it all.  But every now and then some big-headed hot shot shows up and tries to take a crack at you.  And you can’t do anything about that.  That’s life.

The pavement was wet and black.  So were the train tracks that passed over head. they were black and greasy.  A distant streetlight cast a cold green reflection on a single Cadillac.  Its headlights made it look like a submarine at the bottom of a black sea; its cabin lights were on.  The driver door opened and the driver stepped out, closed the door behind him and shot a glance at the surrounding factories.  They were parked by the black docks, where it always seemed wet and oily and at night the whole neighborhood seemed as black as the river it was named after.  Tall buildings blocked out the sky.  The Cadillac driver was really strong and worked for an even stronger mobster boss.  The mobster boss was sitting in the back seat.  He was a very good gang master and often did crimes. he was here to make a lot of money by giving another man a metal briefcase in exchange for another metal briefcase.  The deal would go nice and easy and he wasn’t afraid because he was carrying a bunch of guns, and the driver had a gun and there were dozens of guns and knives and a bomb in the trunk.

The man they were waiting for was working for another boss gangster reputed to have tons of weapons and be one of the most deadly fighters, if not the deadliest of all.  What this boss gangster was to the mobster sitting in the back seat of that Cadillac however, was a chump.  The docks were a deadly place.  Down here the sound of gunfire and bodies being dumped into the river was as common place as horns honking in midtown during rush hour.  Sending a kid on the payroll down here at this time of night for a handoff was essentially the same as giving away free money.  It was something an amateur would do, not a boss gangster.

They had been waiting for a little while for the man with the other briefcase, when someone stepped out of the greasy wet shadows and into the dim light. 

He was holding a black metal briefcase. 

the deal could begin.

The Cadillac driver, who was named Tony Macaroni ala Primivera, opened the backseat Cadillac door and the really good mobster boss stepped strongly out of the warm light of the car and into the cold dim dockside.  He was holding a metal briefcase. 

His shoes were the only shiny thing in that grim scene.  He looked really strong and amazing at weapons and combat but also rightly out of place with his expensive clothes and gangster hat slanted to the side; a white coat draped over his back like a cape.  Tony Macaroni ala Primivera reached into his coat lapel and gripped his 38. caliber pistol. 

The man with the briefcase blew a billow of green smoke into the air from under his panama hat.  He flicked his cigar hissing into a puddle, and began to approach the Cadillac.  His footsteps echoing off the pavement.  It was easy to get lost by the docks, because the buildings were so tall.  It could cause anyone unfamiliar with the city to lose their sense of direction.   The docks were very dark and the shadows from the tall buildings and the train tracks above obscured the man's face.  He was there of his own volition to make a lot of money by closing a deal with one of the greatest mobster masters in the city.  He wasn’t scared at all because he had guns and knives and he was really strong and fast in fights.  His name was UltroGanger.  He was the ultimate gangster.  He knew that the tar black shadows would obscure his face, it was part of his plan to take both briefcases.  Even though he had the most money of anyone and he was the ultimate gangster, he still did crimes like this all the time.  If he ever stopped, he wouldn’t be the ultimate gangster.

His plan was simple.  He would kill everyone really fast.  He knew that by obscuring his identity he would be able to catch the mobsters off guard making it possible to kill them even faster.  He grinned and it looked hardcore but cool. 

He was within 15 feet of the Cadillac when the dangerous mobster boss, whose name was Alfonso the Guy, spoke, “That’s close enough.”  UltroGanger halted and Tony Macaroni ala Primivera’s  grip tightened around his revolver, sweat beading on his forehead.

“You got the stuff?” Asked Alfonso the Guy. 

“I got the stuff Alfonso. You got the money?”

 “Got it right here kid.  Let me show ya.  I don’t want you walking away from here thinking that I’m trying to screw over you or your boss.  Alfonso the Guy is a man of his word!” Alfonso held the briefcase up and opened it, grinning and snarling.  It was packed with money.  ”Ya know kid, I don’t know what your boss is paying you for this job and I don’t really care, but I'll tell you what.  You want a piece of the big league? fuck your boss and come work for me.”

“Shut the briefcase.” UltroGanger  said.

Alfonso stared at UltroGanger, “Suit yourself kid,” Alfonso shut the briefcase, “kid’s loyal to his boss.” Alfonso would have told Tony Macaroni ala Primivera to shoot UltroGanger and take the stuff, but shots rang out that he didn’t expect and he never got the chance.

What happened could only be described as best in gun fights and quickest.  UltroGanger used his speed and agility and perfect aim and the element of surprise and popped open the brief case snatching two pistols out of it in midair in less than 1/10 of a second and shot Tony Macaroni ala Primivera to death before he could draw his 38 and riddled Alfonso the Guy’s body with bullets fatally wounding him.  Alfonso fell to the ground still clutching the brief case, blood oozing from his destroyed body.

“Fuck you,” said UltroGanger,  “I am the boss.” He pointed his pistol down at Alfonso and blew his brains out onto the oily pavement. “Don’t ever try to be best again,” he said, and silence took over the docks once more.

He took the briefcase out of Alfonsos 100% dead hand and he also took all of the guns and knives and the bomb and lit a cigar.  “I’m going to push this Cadillac into the river,” he said.  He exhaled a plume of cigar smoke and clenching the cigar in his teeth he grabbed the Cadillac by the bumper, heaved and rolled it into the river, and it blew up and exploded.  UltroGanger knew his crime was the best and he laughed because of how easy it was to kill the gangsters. He kicked his empty black metal briefcase into the black river and slipped into the night. The eerie green glow of the street light shone on nothing but oily puddles and steam. 

#creative writing #rough draft #short story #humor #crimefiction

[burtfurlong]

There were skeletons everywhere because it was nighttime.  A girl wizard with really awesome and perfect big boobs with amazing cleavage held her breath.  She could hear the beating of a distant drum. “That means there’s definitely gonna be even more skeletons, probably,” she whispered to herself.  She was breathing heavily and it made her boobs move.  Her name was Eva and she was a professional car wizard, who specialized in making magic cars with her spells and also in car fighting magic.  She was the best for obvious reasons, best magic for cars and best boobs.  She squinted her eyes and did a secret wizard spell with her hands to count the number of skeletons, “There’s at least ten million skeletons.”

            She was doing her best to get closer to the source of the beating drum, but there were so many skeletons.  An impossible number of skeletons with rusty swords and shields and morning stars and some of them were wearing helmets with horns, but none of them had bows or guns because they can’t use them with skeleton hands.

  “If only I knew fire magic, or skeleton spells,” she thought.  If she had a car, she could easily beat 10 million skeletons, and while it did cross her mind to make a magic car, she simply couldn’t afford to invest any time in that right now.  Making even the simplest magic car can take a few hours at best.  Eva wanted to reach the drums and whoever, or whatever was pounding on them faster than that, because every hour that passed the drums were calling tons more skeleton fighters out of the ground. 

            This was the work of the universal crime syndicate NecroCorp ltd.

NecroCorp ltd. was a privately owned evil corporation that was founded in the UK and had since spread worldwide.  It offered its shareholders peace of mind in the form of limited liability in the event of company liquidation.  NecroCorp ltd. mostly operated in the dark sorcery and witchcraft sectors, specializing in necromancy and investment management.

            Eva quickly made her way through the tree tops because she was super agile and an excellent jumper and climber.  The skeletons couldn’t climb the trees and they actually didn’t even look up into the trees, so they didn’t know she was there at all.  The car wizard was a few miles outside the city and there were no cars anywhere on those desolate country roads, only skeletons.  The skeletons would make their way into the city to start hitting people with their weapons but they moved very slowly. 

  It was a cloudy night, vaguely illuminated by rays of moonlight that struggled through the thick blanket of clouds.  In the dim light the shambling horde of skeletons looked like one solid mass oozing between the trees. 

  “I should be in my wizard garage making magic cars,” thought Eva as she hurried through the tree tops, "how did I get myself into this?”  It was a rhetorical question.  Eva had gotten herself into this because she was headed to her old workshop in the countryside.  Being a professional car wizard was a well-respected thing to be, but as one could imagine it was a lifestyle that revolved around cars and magic.  When Eva could, she would retreat into the countryside for respite in her high-tech yet charming farmhouse style barn workshop to tinker and toy with gadgets and little machines.  And also to paint pictures.  These were hobbies of hers and her way of resting on weekends.  When she was at her super cute farm house she usually wouldn’t use any magic and because her professional life revolved around cars she would walk to and from her retreat and her workplace, or sometimes ride a regular bicycle, which she looked really hot on because she had a nice butt and big boobs, and she would be bent over on the bike making her cleavage look really great and it also made her butt look really very good looking.

            This time she had taken her bike because it was cloudy and looked like it might rain, so she wanted to get to her workshop before the rain began.  She had been lost in her own thoughts during the ride thinking about a recent evening she spent discussing business with her professional partner, the ultimate gangster UltroGanger. They had discussed business briefly and spent the remainder of the night eating spaghetti and drinking wine, and while she was recounting the entire evening her imagination kept fixating on a few romantic moments the duo had shared.  While the nature of Eva’s relationship with UltroGanger was purely professional, she definitely had undeniable feelings for the gangster.  Did he feel the same? She wondered.

            As she replayed the passing romance of their night over in her mind, she had nearly ridden her bike directly into a hoard of skeletons.  Being a very good climber and jumper, she hurried into the nearest tree for safety.  By the time she had gathered herself and assessed the situation, she was surrounded by a surging sea of warrior skeletons in each direction as far as the dim light allowed her to see.  Over the clinking of their rusted armor and the creaking of their bones she heard a drum.  After using magic to count the number of skeletons she knew that this had to be the doing of NecroCorp ltd.  Only they could summon this many skeletons. 

            Eva had big beautiful boobs, but she also had a big beautiful heart.  She couldn’t just let these skeletons march into the city to fight regular people without trying to stop them.  While it was true that she was the best at car fights and car fighting magic, without a car there was little she could do to stop ten million skeletons.

            She had been covering ground fast, closing in on the source of the hammering, skeleton-summoning drums.  The wind had picked up and it shook the branches she leapt through and rustled the leaves concealing her that much more from anything that may have been observing the tree tops. At present she arrived at the source of the sound.  

In a modest glade that extended below the trees from which she quietly sat; she witnessed a hulking shape.  It was in appearance a big hairy brute, not quite man and not quite ape.  Its muscles rippled beneath its black uniform as it struck the drum, casting the impression that its mighty thews should burst through the clothing struggling against its massive frame.  It wore a tiny cap bearing the NecroCorp ltd. logo that looked ridiculous on its swollen misshapen head.  The monstrosity snorted and strands of saliva dripped from its protruding tusks as it slammed on the massive drum.  Skeletons arose from their graves to answer the call.

“Holy fucking shit!”  Eva exclaimed, “That thing is big AND stinky!” she removed her shirt and tied it around her face to save her from the repulsive odor of that horrible monstrosity, which was really cool because now you could see her boobies even more and they looked even more awesome because she had abs and a really nice bra.  “What am I gonna do?” she thought, “what can I do?  Think Eva. You have to do something to stop this thing.”

The creature’s snout began to twitch and wrinkle, its animalistic sense of smell was far more sensitive than any humans.  It caught a waft of the perfume that Eva was wearing, despite the increasing winds, and let out a howl that reverberated through the night and froze Eva’s blood in her veins. It forgot the drum it was beating and hurled its body upward crashing into the tree top that Eva had been watching from.  The NecroCorp ltd employee struck with the life-or-death ferocity that was instinctive of wild beasts.  The tree shattered into splinters from the impact and broken hunks of wood crashed down on the skeletons below.  Had it been any other girl in that tree it would have been over.  But Eva was no ordinary girl, she was really fast and strong, with good reflexes.  She dodged the blow just barely enough to feel the abominations steaming putrid breath on her big boobs.  The Monster crashed down from the tree in front of Eva with another sanity wracking bellow and its uniform burst around its swelling muscles, revealing massive limbs and greasy coils of fur which matted its body.  The wind had blown away the clouds and Eva could see it clearly now in the moonlight.  Its face was a horrible nightmare mixture of ape man and hog.  Long yellow tusks jutted out from its slobbering cracked lips.  In an instant it had recoiled for a final deadly leap.  The beast hurled itself full force with outstretched talons as sharp as razors, intent on rending the big breasted interloper into a red smear of broken flesh, but was checked midflight when it smashed into a magic car that had suddenly appeared between the two.  The force loaded into that fatal lunge broke the behemoths neck and left it spasming and thrashing before it was crushed under 10 more magic cars that fell from the sky on top of it.  And finally, the beast was still.

Eva stood panting, her beautiful body and big boobies quivering in the pale rays of the moon. She fell back against one of the cars.  Her car magic was the best, and its power was amplified 50 times in the moonlight.  She hoisted herself up and gently pulling her shirt back down over her really big round boobs she walked over to the drum.  She took out two guns and shot it a bunch of times until it was totally broken. 

“Only one thing left to take care of.” using her sword Eva drew a magic symbol in the ground around her and began to chant the ultimate car spell.  She had over 20 ultimate car spells all for different things.  A towering whirlwind of cars appeared before her and crashed into the hoard of skeletons, crushing their bodies beneath a hail of cars and flinging bones into the sky to crash down and explode on the ground.  For several minutes the magical storm rained cars down upon the hoard wreaking absolute destruction until nothing was left but weapons and helmets.  Eva took all the weapons and helmets and put them all in one of the magic cars she made.  “I’m going to sell these,” she said as she climbed into the driver seat.

Normally Eva would walk or ride her bike to and from her workshop, but this night had been anything but normal. She drove off towards her farmhouse style barn workshop ready for a long rest.  Her thoughts once again beginning to swoon with romantic memories of her evening with UltroGanger.  “I want some spaghetti,” she sighed girlfully.  

#creative writing #rough draft #humor #short story #cars #skeletons

[burtfurlong]

A Dame to Fist For - part one

Forky sat with his feet on his desk. He was smoking a cigar and reading the newest issue of Hog Shooters, a magazine about murdering wild pigs. He was drinking scotch even though it was early in the afternoon. People like Forky drank scotch all the time, because they were detectives. Forky was a detective. Just then a dame walked in. Her name was Valma and her boobs were good. Valma came in and said, “Hey, you’re a detective, right?”

To which Forky replied, “You see the scotch, don’tcha darling?”

Valma threw herself dramatically on Forky’s desk, her real big cleavage deliberately bulging out of her dress, “You gotta help me Mr. Forky! Please! I’ve been kicked out of every precinct and investigator's office in the metro area! Oh, Mr. Forky! I’ve got nowhere else to turn!”

“Alright kid, stuff your udders back in your top and quit crying on my desk,” snapped Forky

“I’m as gay as the day is long and there’s nothing I like more than a bunch of dicks and cocks in my butthole and mouth shooting jizz everywhere, ya understand?”

Valma gathered her tremendous boobs back into her dress and wiped her eyes. Dejected, she turned to leave.

“Hold on kid!” called Forky, “Just because I like sucking dicks more than tits don’t mean I won’t hear ya out. Christ I’m a faggot, not a monster.”

“Oh, thank you Mr. Forky! Thank you, sir! I can’t thank you enough!” Valma was near hysterics.

“Calm down sister, I said I’d hear you out. Whether I take the case or not depends. Now what’s the scoop? out with it.”

Valma composed herself, “Is that scotch Mr. Forky?”

“The names Forky, private eye, you can drop the Mister. And that’s right, this is scotch. Gay scotch.” He picked up the bottle of gay scotch and poured two glasses, sliding one over to Valma. “Now try to relax kid, and tell me about the case.”

“Gay scotch Mr. Fork? I mean, Forky.”

“Relax kid, it won’t turn you gay. Now, the case.”

Valma took a sip of the scotch and set herself down in one of the offices leather seats. “I’m not even sure where to begin.” she said

“Start from the top kid. I’m gonna need every last detail before I decide if I’m gonna help you or not.”

“Okay sir.”

“Forky!” he snapped

“Okay Forky, but it’s might take me a while.”

“I’m all ears sister.”

“It’s my uncle,” Valma began, “He’s gone missing, it's like he just disappeared without a trace,” She said lighting a slim dainty cigarette. “I’m all he’s got. He doesn’t have any other family or children and he’s not married. When I ask people to help me Forky, some of them act like they never even heard of my uncle! like he never existed! Mr. Forky you gotta help me!”

Forky took a sip of gay scotch and leaned back in his seat. “What's your name kid?” he asked trimming the tip of a cigar.

“Valma.”

Forky lit his cigar, exhaled, and took another sip of gay scotch, ”what's your uncle’s name Valma”

“Tommy Kielbasi.”

Forky shot up in his seat, “Ya don’t say? What's your uncle do for a living Valma?”

“Well, I’m not sure really. I just know that he works for NecroCorp ltd. As a junior senior investment manager, but I don’t know what that means Mr. Forky”

“Means you’re gonna have to give me a hell of a good reason to take this case kid. A junior senior investor from NecroCorp goes missing, and you're telling me the police are acting like he never existed?” Forky stood up and began to refresh the ice in their glasses. Valma was pale and looked stressed. She waited to see what Forky would say next.

“It’s no secret that the cops are in cahoots with every crime family and shady syndicate in the metro, so if they're acting like this guy ain’t ringing a bell. Well let's just put it this way kid, I like literal dicks up my asshole, not metaphorical ones.”

Valma’s eyes began to swell with tears. She bit her lip and stared at the ground. Forky stepped over to the chair Valma was sitting in and handed her a glass of gay scotch. “Now let’s hear it Valma, the part you’re not telling me.”

Valma began to kick her crossed leg nervously.

“Come on kid!” Forky exclaimed, “you got a learning disability or something? Unless you’re a dame with a giant cock hiding under that dress of yours you can drop the damsel in distress act and cut to the chase! Nothings free in this city. I got bills ya understand! I already told you, I’m gonna need allthe details before I take the case, if I take it.”

Valma began to cry, and the crying gave way to abject sobbing.

Forky had seen a lot in his career. He’d seen dozens of dames slide into his office thinking 12 inches of juicy cleavage was going to get them a free ride, and Forky was gonna drop his issue of Hog Shooters magazine without marking the page and hurry off to go snooping on the hypotenuse of a love triangle, no questions asked. The way Valma had begun to sob however, was proof enough for Forky of the girl’s genuine concern for her uncle. Whether she was naive or not didn’t change the fact. Like Forky had said, He was a faggot, not a monster. There was a time when Forky was a young police cadet, eager to uphold the law and protect the regular people of the city. While that may have been a lifetime ago, the code Forky lived by was still the same. Valma was a regular girl, and while she might have an uncle who was a junior senior exec at NecroCorp ltd. she was just a regular girl concerned about a missing family member. It didn’t matter how naive that meant she was.

The whole situation pleaded with Forky’s sense of justice, “You really don’t know anything else, do ya kid?” he asked.

“Honestly sir! That’s all I know! Oh, please sir! I have nowhere else to turn!”

Forky sighed and sat back in his chair. He flipped out a notepad, “Where did you see your uncle Tommy last Valma?”

“I last saw him at his hotdog cart four days ago. You see Mr. Forky, he was a vegetarian, so he didn’t eat hotdogs. So every day I would visit him at around noon while he was at work and bring him a vegetarian lunch, and ask him how his day had been.”

Forky took off his hat and rubbed his temples, “Kid, I thought you said your uncle was junior senior investment manager, Tommy Kielbasi. Whether you know it or not your uncle Tommy is a notorious white-collar criminal in the metro area. You ever hear of the Scungilli heist? Sure, he’s been under the radar for a while now, but that don’t change the fact that he’s a junior exec on the NecroCorp payroll. He ain’t selling hotdogs from a cart kid, and he sure as hell ain’t no senior citizen,”

Valma rose up. Her demeanor suddenly exhibiting more confidence, “Thats not true Mr. Forky! I swear! My uncle is an old man who worked at that hot dog cart for 60 years! It’s just that the Necrocorp building in the uptown area bought out all the vendors that worked within a ten-block radius of their building. He told me that people from NecroCorp made him sign papers saying he was selling his hotdog stand and accepting a position as junior senior investment manager. I know that my uncle didn’t like it, but he never wanted to discuss things he didn’t like with me. All he said was that he had no choice. He couldn’t really make sense of any of it, but the people at NecroCorp told him not to worry. They said nothing would change and that he could keep selling hotdogs; and now he’s gone missing and nobody knows a thing!”

“You telling me NecroCorp bought out a hotdog vendor with an offer he couldn’t refuse, or understand, just to let the guy keep peddling wieners? You saying It’s just a coincidence that he’s got the same name as a known corporate exec? So they just decided to give him a matching job title? You expect me to believe that?”

Valma’s eyes began to shimmer with welling tears.

“Look I’m sorry kid, it’s just a hell of a coincidence,” The more details Forky heard about the case, the less things seemed to add up, “where did your uncle live Valma?”

“Not far from here Mr. Forky. 25 Far West End.”

“Thats just a few blocks west. You stayed with your uncle?”

“No Forky, I have an apartment in the mega-complex on the east side, 44,019 Cherry Tower.”

Forky put his hat back on and started to get up, “I’ll tell you what kid, I can’t say I ain’t curious. How about I go take a look around your uncle's place and see what I can find.”

Valma shot up and threw herself on the desk again, instinctively squeezing her cleavage towards Forky with urgency, “You will sir?!”

“Keep your shirt on sister. I told you I’m sucking cocks for the opposite team. Let's just say you got my curiosity piqued. I’m gonna tell you right now, this case starts leading me in a hot direction and things get too dicey, I’m dropping it like a limp cock outta my stretched-out anus, no ifs ands or buts.” Valma stared at Forky like a worried puppy, “That being said, this ain’t how I usually like to do business, so I'm taking the case pro bono.”

“Thank you, Mr. Forky sir! Thank you so much! Oh, Thank you!” Valma sprang up and wrapped her arms around Forky’s neck as he tucked his revolver into his underarm holster, “Say! watch it when I’m handling the iron, sweetheart! I may be taking this case pro bono but a job’s a job, and when I go to work it ain’t funny business, ya understand? Now scram! You'll hear from me when I got news.” Valma thanked Forky profusely and left his office.

”25 Far West End. that’s by the docks,” Forky pulled on his trench coat. “Call me a grade-A circus clown dope, but when I used to suck Tommy Kielbasi’s cock he wasn’t no old-fogey. The guy always wanted to shove a hotdog up my ass though, every time. There’s gotta be some connection.”

#rough draft #creative writing #humor #gay shit #short story

[burtfurlong]

The Best Story

He was the ultimate gangster of all time. He had millions of guns, and although he couldn’t carry them all at once he was able to carry more than any other gangster or soldier. It was because he was the strongest fighter. He knew over 50 unarmed and knife fighting techniques, and even invented several dozen lethal styles himself. He would sell the secrets of his styles to other gangsters and fighting experts. All of his bullets were the best. He used bullets that were perfect in every way and he had billions of billions of them. He had the most money of everyone in the world and it made the governments of several major world powers very mad and jealous because he always boasted about it. He could do anything illegal and would never get busted by any cops or FBI agents, mostly because of all the guns and bullets he had but also because of the secret fighting styles he had.

His car was made by a wizard who was a girl with big boobs. She wasn’t his girlfriend because he already had 50 girlfriends, so they agreed it was best if she just remained his car wizard. She really liked him because of his punches, which were the strongest and fastest, but she also deeply admired his kicks and his aim with weapons. She told him this many times. He admired her spells and her boobs and he made sure that she knew this. They both decided to have dinner at a spaghetti restaurant, to discuss cars, money, wizardry, guns, and music. It turned out they both had lots of friends.

They arrived at the beautiful spaghetti restaurant just at the border where Italy meets France. It was a breathtaking star filled summer night and they stood outside for a moment gazing at the night sky together, their swords glittering in the moon glow. “This is the most romance” they both said at the same time. He said it in a tough way and when she spoke it was quite girlfully, but they did speak together at the same time. It was as if the stars were serenading them as they laughed, him toughly and her girlishly, and together they walked into the spaghetti restaurant. The inside of the restaurant was enough to take even the strongest restaurant man’s breath away. It was a perfect blend of the best French restaurant and the best Italian restaurant. The dining room glowed warmly with an earthy russet hue.

It had a high vaulted ceiling dotted with skylights, cleverly arranged so as to let the mesmerizing French–Italian stars shine down on the patrons. On the walls were famous European paintings, their beauty and elegance amplified by the magenta glow of neon lights, artfully fashioned into shapes of spaghetti and cheese. Tantalizing aromas of spaghetti and cheese with sauce filled the air, and teased the appetite of those waiting to be seated. Of course, the ultimate gangster, whose name was UltroGanger and the ample breasted car wizard, whose name was Eva, did not have to wait. The maitre d greeted them warmly “We-la-la Monsieur UltroGanger!” He turned to Eva and bowed “We-la-la Madame Eva!”

“We-la-la” replied UltroGanger “the usual table for the wizard and I”

The maitre d summoned a waitress and handed her 2 menus “Please seat this fine couple at Monsieur’s usual table”

Eva blushed. The maitre d had called them a couple. While it was true that Eva was quite fond of UltroGanger, the two had mutually decided to keep their relationship professional in nature. Still there were feelings that no girl could deny. No degree of professionalism could change that. A girl did not love with her head, she loved with her heart. “What am I even thinking!?” She thought to herself “Love?!” she let out a quiet giggle that she quickly stifled “Sure I like UltroGanger! Who wouldn’t?! But I’m a professional car wizard and we’re here to discuss swords and” Her thoughts were interrupted by UltroGanger “what’s so funny?” he asked.

“Oh, I just really like spaghetti a lot and it makes me giggle sometimes.” She said.

“Does spaghetti make you blush also?” He said in jest.

UltroGanger was aware of Eva’s feelings for him. Every single girl ever in the world had feeling for UltroGanger, because he was the strongest and best man with the fastest reflexes. They both laughed it off as the waitress led them to their table.

“5 bottles of expensive good wine and 2 plates of your finest spaghetti”

The waitress hurried off to fill their order and the two began to discuss swords and spells and fighting and car fights. The evening was quite elegant, and the food was delicious. They were sure to make their business quick, because that was the way UltoGanger preferred to conduct his business, fast and best. The remainder of their evening was spent enjoying wine and spaghetti. “The stars are beautiful tonight. You know I usually let my cars do the talking, but did I ever tell you that my magic is 50 times stronger in the moonlight?”

UltroGanger gulped down a full glass of 100% expensive wine. “Eva, are your boobs magic?” Eva blushed and twirled her spaghetti around her silver fork “they’re just regular” she said with a nervous laugh “My magic is mostly just for making cars and winning car fights”

“I only ask, because they look 50 times stronger in this moonlight”

there was a brief silence, Eva’s face flush with color. UltroGanger looked upward at the moon through the skylight while pouring another glass of the best wine. He didn’t have to look at his glass when he poured because his aim was so good that it was perfect even if he couldn’t see. He was starting to feel the effects of the drink, as it was quite heady and strong. Presently the maitre d arrived at their table “Madame. Monsieur. I trust everything was exactly to your liking as usual! Would Monsieur like me to bring the bill?”

“Put it on my tab” said UltroGanger. “As you wish Monsieur”

The two rose and collected their coats. They left the spaghetti restaurant feeling very satisfied, full and light headed from the wine, and climbed into UltroGangers magic car. They were going to fly back to America and turn in for the night. UltroGanger was definitely a bit intoxicated but it was fine because the magic car had autopilot and also UltroGanger could drive perfectly no matter how drunk he was and he also couldn’t get in any trouble for drunk driving because he could do any crime and not get in trouble. He put his hands on the stick shift and began to shift into flight mode when Eva put her hand on his. She was also fairly intoxicated and still blushing, her big boobs heaving in the moonlight “Don’t worry, I can make this car just teleport us back to America and it will be much quicker. I told you, my magic is 50 times stronger in the moonlight.”

#rough draft #creative writing #humor #short story #spaghetti #romance