clericlost

[clericlost]

#emergency. hey everyone !  It’s me again requesting your aid to help me pay a share of my mom’s colonoscopy + endoscopy (with biopsy exam).  the amount this time is 120$ and I have to pay until the end of this month. Depending on the result of her exams, which it come out next week, this will be hopefully the last. I have one spot left for commissions I’ll leave the prices here  !  Any kind of help will be appreciated and mostly positive thoughts to this tumor be a benign one.  my paypal is: [email protected]

#psa. #ask to tag

[clericlost]

almost anything that could go wrong DID go wrong at work yesterday, and now i open so the same could be true for today as well but i am crossing my fingers. and hoping to die <3

#out. #vent // #kind of #but yeah i was scarce p much all of yesterday because things at work just Kept Happening and i was the closing manager on hand #and there's a slight chance that i fucked up the closing procedures and it will still be fucked up when i go to open soo #guess i'll die #but you know. maybe the universe will be kind </3 pray 4 me #also not work related but happened yesterday all the same my car's coolant hose busted completely over my lunch break #god continues to come for my neck personally #also i got like 5hrs of sleep bc i got home at 10:30pm.... 2hrs after the scheduled time #i should NOT be a key carrier basically <3 #delete later //

[clericlost]

post season 3,  will never finds another party in lenora like the others do back in hawkins.     he has no desire to,  not after the last party he’d had for the majority of his childhood.     truth be told,  if he could magically pack up his bags and move back to hawkins,  he’s not sure he’d even still play.     maybe,  if he felt bad enough saying no.     but in all honestly,  the interest in the game had evaporated overnight.

taking a baseball - bat to castle byers wasn’t a decision he made lightly.     rashly,  maybe,  but not lightly.     something flickered off,  then.     deflated.     he’s always liked art,  and still does,  but writing stories too,  playing fantasy games,  finding magic in the mundane.     painting is something he can indulge in without feeling too imaginary,  so it’s easier to keep,  but the rest he lets slowly slip away.     something about watching his friends drift to other things while he stayed behind in realms of fantasy touched on a much older trigger point.     when he first got into dnd or scribbling short stories in old notebooks to read to joyce at bedtime instead of the other way around,  not once was it not met by lonnie with,  at best,  apathy,  and worst,  ridicule.     the instinct to be embarrassed of his creative works is a tale as old as time in his world,  since he first learned how,  but people like his mom and his brother helped keep it from dying out entirely.     and then he made friends that not only didn’t find it weird,  but enjoyed it just as much as he did.

and now they just…   don’t anymore.     it isn’t all about he and mike’s argument in the rain,  or the feeling of losing his friends when he missed out on what felt like an entire year of normalcy with them,  though those are factors in their own right.     it’s also that well - known feeling of alienation,  an older friend than even these,  growing closer over time.     he’s used to the feeling,  grown accustomed to it.     but not among his own friends.     it felt like a betrayal at first,  yeah,  but lucas and mike scrambling to do the campaign with him despite clearly not being interested was almost…   worse.     humoring him.     a further symptom of something yawning a gap between them by the very fact they’re trying to bridge it.     it’s just not something he ever thought he’d experience with his friends.     he took it as a sign that he was doing something wrong,  instead of the growing pains of a bunch of traumatized kids that they were.     if cruelty and ridicule are what people like lonnie and bullies direct at people like him,  pity is what the good and kind do when even they can’t deny there’s something wrong with you.

fantasy feels embarrassing again to will.     by the beginnings of season 4,  the discomfort has settled,  not quite as knee - jerk as it might have been between it and season 3,  but definitely a disinterest.     the thought of playing with or without his friends leaves a strange taste in his mouth,  an echo somewhere hollow in the 15 year old version of himself he’s purposefully molded to fit around the place it had before.

#srb. #rip the dash but i FOUND IT #i knew i had a hc about will + dnd somewhere #this is still true in my byers stay in hawkins verse but i should probably just link it there huh #anyway. never not thinking about. that paragraph 3 last sentence #will just slowly recreating himself in this distorted image of what he thinks the world wants him to be #whether or not it's true #but more often than not it does tie back to what his Father wanted him to be #without him even thinking about it #every insecurity that's so tender even just a press against it makes him recoil and try to rebuild himself was usually planted by lonnie #even when it's grown beyond that he was likely the first domino unfortunately #stabbinggggg him in my mind at all times

[clericlost]

frembly reminder i am here and also here :D

#srb. #my brain is attacking me for this cause i'm still so behind on ims AND drafts here but i'm gonna maybe. maybe #try to even get like one thing out on my multi before bed #or even just lurk around cause it's been a while </3 #blog juggling ending my life #anyway send my st muses memes 🔪 #bskfjsd half of them feel like test muses but i wanna try my hand at them while muse still lingers..... #also if i haven't written my st verse for ryan yet no i didn't........

[clericlost]

thinking about joyce raising her boys on mr rogers

#mobile. #i know it's true i know it #thinking abt little will listening to the musical numbers on cassette over and over and over just to try and love himself #:(

[clericlost]

will finds it really hard to connect with people at times [yay attachment disorder], but music has been a go - to way of socializing for him. in large part, it's passed down from his brother, but it often feels like a universal language he doesn't have to struggle to learn just to bond with someone else, and luckily for him and anyone who wants to be his friend, he pretty much likes anything that doesn't threaten to put him to sleep.

p.s. one hundren billion percent had he gotten to meet and huddle in under eddie's wing would he have become an honorary metalhead

#mobile. #st4 spoilers // #he would wear band tees and stupid holy jeans and paint his nails black yeah #with eddie in his corner? eroding at will's aversion to weirdness and insecurity? #black nail polish!!!!! #also modern verse or insane 80s verse but they magically have music idc our muses should bond over the power of friendship and music #will is obsessed w dolly parton btw #anyway i am once again stuck at work all day so i will be hopping in to post this and leave <3 #and will probably continue to do so on and off all day :(

[clericlost]

#study. . .⠀mixtape #will 🤝 eddie #i just KNOW there's gonna be a scene in s5 with will in which this song would be a perfect callback to s1 THAT they will NOT be able to use #since they already recycled it in s4 bdjsjdj #that being said. it completed the eddie will parallel journey in a way that makes me feel as though i am being stabbed so #i. yeah....... yeah <3 #Spotify

[clericlost]

[shaking like a chihuahua] what if we were mains... and we were both blogs.. ? 😳

#mobile. #if you saw me thinking abt deleting no u didnt #adrenal fatigue is just gonna be lile that huh #this post is gonna look so weird for people not privy to 'and we were both boys' #my apologies but i think i'm funny sometimes as a coping mechanism for anxiety. hello hello :) #anyway jay is already a main in my mind sorry jay ur stuck w me even tho i suck at regular correspondence <3 mwah #hoping maybe having some mains can like. give my brain a focus point and i can at least find a groove ooc w those interested ! #manifesting #oh yeah will of course require that we've like talked even a little bit ooc but even if we've just Vibed... #also i'll rb / repost this after i've kicked by ass into gear w ims lmao rip

[clericlost]

「   ASK MEME :   HOW’S MY PORTRAYAL?   」  * send anonymously or not. feedback is appreciated!

#mobile. #yeah ok.... #ooc i've been so bad on this blog but i'd Love to hear any spare thoughts on how i've been writing will so far perhaps...

[clericlost]

lately i’ve been feeling so much like. cheering clapping applause to be here with y’all but all the enthusiasm is stuck in a snowglobe that i can’t figure out how to break cause it’s made of fear pain agony because social anxiety every time i log on :/

#out. #negative // #it sucks to experience but honestly it sucks more than like. i know people are here to have fun and often write better when #they can actually get along w their writing partner? #and i hate that this Thing is just in the way of me and everyone else but idk how to get rid of it #it's just Paralyzing like i just get stuck and it feels impossible to shake myself out of it #and then i feel anxious about THAT lmao so. wondering if i need to just throw the towel in instead of doing this to my partners jdskfs #like i logically know it's not That big of a deal but i also know it can feel so discouraging to be excited abt smth and not feel it back #but it's not even the feeling it back that's the issue! it's just talking w people idk why my brain just flatlines over it but it's so bad #lately. when i'm in a good headspace i'm the exact same way and LOVE when i can iron down my interactions to ppl i just Enjoy being around #but when i'm in a bad headspace it's so hard to do anything other that hide in ic replies indefinteily #even with people i'm so so comfortable with cause it is very much a state of being that stems from Me not anyone else #idk. i just feel shitty for ghosting but then i feel too shitty to fix it :/ #wish i could psychically link w all of you so u could know how happy i am to write with you #idk why it's so hard to translate ooc one on one #idk why it's like there's an actual physical wall in my brain stopping me most of the time #social anxiety fucking sucks i guess lol #yeah....... killing it w my mind #i know it's probably just made worse by my recent caffiene addiction but it'll probably be a while before i can kick that shit so #idk if i should quit while i'm barely ahead or just. try to be okay with ic replies #but i Hate that cause it feels like such bad rp etiquette like. i don't wanna rp like that lol #but idk how else to while i'm like this :/ #which probably means i should take a break!! but i selfishly don't wanna lose more writing partners than i already have but then #i guess either way i might lose some people but at least if i took a break it'd feel like less shitty of a reason #ugh...... #too much to think about on a sunday afternoon

[clericlost]

please stop asking me how i'm doing, idk i'm ignoring it

#study. . .⠀isms #s4core but also willcore #the answer is very badly btw

[clericlost]

sluggrr​. . .

❝  don’t take this the wrong way,  but you don’t quite look well.  ❞

              His fingers graze lightly across the marks on his throat. They’re still red and raw and he pretty quickly pulls his hand away when they burn against his touch. He sighs and drops his arm, shifting slightly where he’s sitting  ( god, nothing’s comfortable now )  . He mutters a quiet,  “ Sorry, ”  when he softly bumps Will, who’s stuck sitting between Steve and Eddie on the couch in Max’s trailer. But they’re all pretty quiet right about now … Nancy’s still catching her breath while Robin hands her a glass of water. She held his hand all the way over here and he tried asking her what happened when she was … well … — no dice.  ( Not that he can blame her — he can’t even start to imagine what she saw. )

              So they’re waiting … recouping. Steve doesn’t think that’s a luxury they’re going to have for very long, so it’s best they take whatever opportunities they can. He combs his fingers through his hair and exhales with puffed cheeks. The pain is really starting to set in now, and he feels like they should bandage him up with something other than Nancy’s sweater.  ( But the bleeding stopped … he thinks? )  He hears Robin mutter something to Nancy, then sees her put her hand on her arm, so Steve watches and waits …  ‘ Don’t take this the wrong way — ’  Brows furrow and Steve turns his head, looking right where Will’s sitting. Frankly, the comment isn’t out of place  ( he looks like shit — covered in sweat and dirt, his own blood, those bat-thing’s blood, plus lake water doesn’t smell like perfume )  but it still catches Steve off-guard.  “ That bad? ”  he says, sort of … half joking.  “ Yeah, I guess I’ve looked better … And felt better. ”

@clericlost​

there’s  a  rhythm  stuck  in  his  head.     lyric - less and long,  no kate bush,  no DEAL WITH GOD to make anything less difficult to swallow,  a spoonful of glue on the roof of his mouth,  the seal of his lips where he gnaws and gnaws again and again,  on repeat.     the snap of bones.     the crack of lifeless limbs hitting the water,  a gunshot echo between his ears.     he wonders if it’s what hawkins saw in his body   [  his not - body  ;  when has it not been his not - body ?   ]  when they pulled it from the reservoir.     wishes he could muster a semblance of it now  :  still,  steady,  even in death—   not - death.     nothing like this incessant drumbeat in his bones,  chattered teeth,  bouncing ankles between the two pairs of shoes to his left and to his right.     so much motion in such little action.    [  there’s a hint of copper on the next bite down.  ]     it’s not enough.

when steve shifts,  everything quiets.     or rather this  :  comes back alive,  fluid finally flushed from underwater eardrums.     he blinks,  sees the barely - living instead of the dead for the first time in what feels like hours,  gaze gone warm and prickling,  a mouthful of overcooked guilt around a glance at steve’s throat.

he answers will’s not - question with a not - answer that sounds like gravel over linoleum.          “   it’s. . .   ”          wince,  more flinch than word,          “   max might have some tylenol or something. . .   ”          but it’s half - hearted  ;  genuine,  but distracted,  swallowed whole by the raw skin already turned ripe,  pink and rotting,  something sick dropping from will’s own neck to toes,  tangling slick and heavy in his stomach on its way.     a gag itches behind his teeth.          “   what,  um. . .     was it. . .   the vines ?     that did that ?   ”

#sluggrr #interaction. . .⠀thread #injury // #idk how to tag this </3 #a very incredibly anxious will we choose YOU #and a very shitty icon #will hate hate Hates that any of them had to step foot in the upsidedown fr #crawling in his skin BUT i just realized he. may not have seen demobats his first go in the upsidedown? so have fun w that steve <3 #i need will to center himself and get that man a glass of water and SOME kind of anti inflammatory painkiller....

[clericlost]

you?????? WHO???? ARE???? YOU???????

#mobile. #JDJEEJ HELLO?????? #who are YOU what does this mean 😭

[clericlost]

-Ask Polly

#study. . .⠀isms #god ok...... ok clericlost thesis #i just want somebody to read this aloud to will byers every day until he believes it is that too much to ask #the way if i google the all caps part my personal blog is like the 4th result jgdkdk

[clericlost]

i know it’s not how the upsidedown works but i think the idea of people who are killed by it being able to haunt hawkins from the other side and still interact with lights and whisper through dimensions and shit that’s typically associated with hauntings anyway is kinda neat

#out. #i just think it's neat.... #ghosts <3

[clericlost]

#out. #MECORE

[clericlost]

byers shadysiders real

#out. #my brain is so incoherent rn but i have at least 2 fear street verse options cooking on low in there rn #i need to finish '66 tho but if i make an official unofficial post about it before then no i didn't