clovecigsandblackcoffee

[clovecigsandblackcoffee]

anamia imagine, open for requests. Another personal one.

It is October, and things feel better again; whole again. You no longer spend your days crying at the toilet, throwing out your entire refrigerator, grabbing at the mounds of fat on your stomach and thighs and arms. You no longer struggle with the idea of taking in nothing, but putting out everything. You no longer cringe at the idea of not eating for an entire day. And it has paid off.

It's your birthday. You're turning 24, and you've been at this goal since you were 12. Looking into the mirror, that girl that stares back is almost unrecognizable, but she is beautiful. She is everything you have always wanted to be. And you are her, now. It's time to stop staring at yourself, you've got things to do, an entire day to get ready for. You rush through your dresser, pulling out the day's outfit. A baggy old purple crocheted sweater. The sheer, long-sleeved black dress (that you never thought you'd actually fit into.) Patterned tights. Black wool socks. Platform docs. The delicate gold necklaces he bought you. Long, pale fingers covered in rings. You brush your teeth. Taking a few minutes, you gently clip back your hair- it's gotten so long. Longer than it's ever been. Glossed lips. Simple. Natural. You're ready.

You walk out of the room, and he's sitting there, already ready to go. Always early. His smile is goofy, and widens when he looks at you. Love. His eyes are full of love. The adoration you had never received when you were still fat. He stands up, comes towards you, and picks you up- so effortlessly. You are no longer embarrassed to be lifted up. Kisses. One, two, three. You feel like you finally deserve this. All that hard work, he deserves a beautiful girlfriend.

"You ready to go?" He asks.

I might write a part two.

#anamia #ana #mia #tw ed thoughts #tw ed in the tags #not pr0 just for myself #not pr0 just tags #ed writing #ed fall imagine #ed fall writing #ed autumn writing #ed autumn

[clovecigsandblackcoffee]

The Chilly Crisp Air of September

first ana/mia imagine, let me know if you want more! Open to requests, this one is a personal one

You take a deep breath in. Another one, two, three. It's so cold, it almost hurts to breath. Smoke lingers on your lips, as one hand wraps your favorite sweater (the sage green one with the hood that your grandmother crocheted for you, since you're always so cold) tightly around your torso. A steaming cup of earl grey is in your left hand. These sorts of days, the grey, dreary, rainy fall days, are the days you feel most content. You blend into the background, just enough.

Last year, things were so different. You had gained all the weight back that you had worked so damn hard to get rid of. You ate and ate and ate. You slept and slept and slept. You didn't feel beautiful, much less human. Your heart was so full, yet so empty. No one looked at you anymore. Now, the work has paid off, but in the form of your shaking bones rattling in the wind, the purple circles under your eyes show dedication. You feel deadly. The way you like feeling, the feeling you missed most. You're starting to scare people again, fitting for the haunting atmosphere of the Autumn air.

Your black boots crunch the dead leaves, as you take your morning walk. You take it all in, the smell of the storm coming in from the distance, the New England orchards rife with apples, chimneys puffing out the first fires of the year, the sounds of a deer walking gently in the woods, coexisting with your ghost. Your fingers wrap around another cigarette. You take a drag in. You feel whole again. Full again, and this time, not in a horrifying way. Your green eyes big and doe-eyed, sleepy. Your sweater swallowing you whole. Your wool socks eating your feet and ankles. Your pants aren't enough to keep you warm anymore. And you missed it. You missed it so much.

You hope people don't notice for awhile, so you can savor this moment again. Welcome back, September.

#ana #anamia #mia #ed #ed tag #tw ed in the tags #tw ed thoughts #ana imagine #anamia imagine #fall imagine #ed fall imagine #not pr0 just tags #not pr0 just for myself #ed writing

[clovecigsandblackcoffee]

Well, today is the day. Where I begin again. Wake up- 5:35 A.M. Crawl out of bed. Slink into the darkness of the bathroom. I woke up feeling bitter and angry and empty. I wonder how long I can keep this up before anyone notices, again. I wonder how much weight I can lose.

#tw ana thoughts #diary #personal