cosmerelists

[cosmerelists]

It's Quick, It's Easy, and It's Free! (Stormlight Edition)

It's a meme, kind of!

1. Lopen: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Eating crem!

Teft: Why would I do that though? Lopen: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free!

2. Lift: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Stealing food!

Wyndle: W-While technically correct in your case, I'm not really sure that's the best... Lift: Quick! Easy! Free!

3. Hoid: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Listening to my stories!

Kaladin: ... quick? Hoid: On my timescale, almost anything can be considered quick. Kaladin: What? Hoid: What?

4. Shallan: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Looking at a cool flower or a nifty bug!

Adolin: Uh, Shallan, my love...I saw you look at a cremling for thirty minutes yesterday. Shallan: 😅

5. Rlain: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Not treating other people like crem!

Renarin: Here, here! Rlain: Although people sure act like it's difficult, sometimes...

6. Szeth: It's quick. It's easy. It costs nothing…material. It’s Murder.

Nightblood: Here, here! Szeth: This is a lament, sword-nimi.

7. Moash: It's quick, it's easy, and it's freeing. Giving up your emotions to Odium.

Odium: Nice variation on a theme! Moash: Thanks. I feel nothing.

8. Lezian: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free! Killing Kaladin!

Leshwi: I have…doubts about each of your chosen adjectives. Lezian: Shut UP, Leshwi!

9. Rock: He’s quick, he’s easy(going), and - thanks to Kaladin- he’s free! It’s me!

Skar: you say quick but the stew has been cooking for nine hours Rock: I did not say my STEWS are quick

10. Dalinar: It’s slow, it’s tough, and it costs everything: taking the next step

Adolin: I can’t decide…do you not understand the meme, or do you understand it too well? Dalinar: (mysterious smile)

#cosmere #cosmerelists #Stormlight Archive #Lopen #Teft #Lift #Wyndle #Hoid #Kaladin #Shallan #Adolin #Dalinar #rock #Skar #Lezian #Leshwi #Moash #Odium #Rlain #Renarin #Szeth #Nightblood

[cosmerelists]

What Cosmere Characters' Rooms Look Like (But Mostly In Terms of Vibes)

As requested by @rainbyanyothername :)

Here is my take on what the vibe of Cosmere characters' rooms would be--vibes mostly because I don't want to be stuck to, like, what bedrooms are canonically like in the various worlds. We're going by vibes, baby!

1. Adolin

I think that, as soon as he stopped having to abide by his father's strict "all rooms must follow the codes somehow" standards, Adolin went his own way...and that way was tasteful and fashionable. Adolin is the sort of guy whose bedroom pieces all match--but not in a "all bought from a matching set" kind of way, but rather, like, a deep orange bedspread and a forest green rug that somehow complement each other beautifully. It's neat--he is NOT going to wrinkle his clothes by tossing them over a chair--but also clearly lived in and homey.

2. Zellion

He doesn't have a room. :( He's always on the run. :( How rude of you to even ask. :(

3. Shallan

I just remember how happy Shallan was to be in that big fluffy comforter when she first moved in with Sebarial. I think she'd love to have that deeply soft bed and that big fluffy comforter and a beanbag chair and also a big egress window in case she has to escape in the night to do spy stuff. It is also definitely not neat.

4. Jasnah

Well...we know nothing is soft if Jasnah can help it. Her mattress is firm, her rug (if she has one) is low-pile, and she has bookshelves everywhere.

5. Wax

I think he has deerskin-rug-on-the-floor-guns-on-the-walls-but-also-everything-in-there-costs-one-million-dollars vibes. Except for the boots, which Wayne left behind as a trade and are worth $1.50.

6. Ranette

Her room is gross and cluttered and every single surface is either guns or gun parts.

7. Dalinar

I mean, surely this one is obvious: his room is Spartan. Dalinar has the minimum amount of furniture necessary to make a room a room, and he didn't even have any photographs before Navani came along. He thinks slippers are extravagant.

8. Lightsong

I mean, this one is clear from canon. Lightsong has, like, nineteen pillows and sixteen blankets and carpets on top of his carpets and a lot of objects that could only be called "baubles."

9. Sigzil

I don't think Sigzil is quite as Spartan as Dalinar--or at least, it isn't a moral thing for him. I think Sigzil would live fairly simply because he's not a big stuff person, and it would be neat on the surface but perhaps a bit dusty if you looked too closely because he's out a lot.

10. Zane

All I know is that his room has a My Chemical Romance poster on its wall...in, like, vibes.

11. Breeze

He has a wine fridge. It's by the bed. His room his mostly tasteful and masculine and, like, full of oak...but also there are sparkly pink pillows and doilies everywhere. We all know why.

12. Kelsier

Kelsier's room would be a sanctuary to Mare; like not-touched-at-all-since-she-was-last-there-even-though-he-feels-like-weeping-whenever-he-sees-it-but-he-can't-throw-away-that-crumpled-up-kleenex-because-Mare-touched-it sort of vibes. Sorry :(

13. Vasher

His room his gross. He thinks he can wear his socks three times before they need washing and in the meantime he will be leaving them on that chair.

14. Vivenna

Her room is very neat--she definitely makes her bed every morning and actually moves books to dust underneath them--and there is, just, no color anywhere.

15. Kaladin

If you asked Kaladin what he wanted in a bedroom he would be like "A mattress?? To sleep on?? What else do you need in a bedroom???" And yes, he's definitely a mattress-put-directly-on-the-floor boy. But then Syl keeps collecting cool leaves and flowers and putting them around, and there are some rocks from Tien, and a flute that somehow ended up back with him, and Adolin gave him something called a "decorative pillow" and in the end it's still a mattress on the floor but surrounded by things brought in by people who love him.

#cosmere #cosmerelists #Adolin #Zellion #Shallan #Jasnah #Wax #Ranette #Dalinar #Lightsong #Sigzil #Zane #Breeze #Kelsier #Vivenna #Vasher #Kaladin

[cosmerelists]

Ah yes, the ten Radiant Orders...

1. We got the Windrunners, who soar through the sky...

Aka, the fly guys

2. We got the Edgedancers, the most agile of of the orders...

Aka, the spry guys

3. We got the Stonewards, whose founder never broke his oath...

Aka, the comply guys

4. We got the Lightweavers, who can look like anyone...

Aka, the spy guys

5. We got the Bondsmiths, who bring people together...

Aka, the tie guys

6. We got the Elsecallers, who love scholarship and wisdom...

Aka, the verify guys

7. We got the Willshapers, who love adventure, self-expression, and novelty...

Aka, the try guys (what?)

8. We got the Dustbringers, who want to take things apart to see how they work...

Aka, the why guys

9. We got the Skybreakers, who look down on all from above and have their special Spren...

Aka, the high guys

10. And of course, we got the Truthwatchers, who will find the truth wherever it's hidden and share it with all...

Aka, the edify guys

#cosmere #cosmerelists' #stormlight archive

[cosmerelists]

Attending a Party Thrown by Each Radiant Order

As requested by anon. :)

You've been invited to a party! Actually, ten parties. But the twist is that each party is thrown and attended only by a single Radiant order and also we're in some kind of quasi-modern AU. What would each party be like?

[Previously: Radiant Orders play boardgames, have sleepovers, and go to musicals]

1. The Lightweaver Party

The invitation is a glossy, stylized illustration of a hand holding a wine glass--a true work of art. You later find out that every invitation is unique; no two are the same. The invitation leads you to a large ballroom-esque hall. "What is your name tonight?" asks a masked figure at the door. "Uh...Fred?" you say. You had not planned this. "Welcome...Fred," they say and let you in. It is shadowy inside, perhaps because all of the light comes from fairy lights and electric candles. Everyone is masked--including you, as per the invitation. People glide about, talking and laughing in low voices. It's not unwelcoming exactly, but certainly...surreal.

2. The Windrunner Party

The invitation is a couple of dudes saying, "Hey, there's a thing. Wanna come?" when you run into them at the bar. "The thing" appears to be some kind of picnic at a local park: you were told it was a potluck, so you did bring a macaroni salad, but the focus seems to be the large pot of stew that one of the men is making. There's a lot of eating and laughter and sunshine, and frankly a lot of hot people in uniform. You have a good time. Even if the Captain is just a little bit glowery the whole time.

3. The Edgedancer Party

A roller skating rink! You haven't been to a roller skating rink in sooo long! You're honestly psyched. As you do your best to skate around, others glide smoothly past you, looking like they were born skating. When you take a break to eat a mediocre but nostalgic corndog, a couple of them sit with you and you get to chatting. You're just at a skating rink, eating a mediocre corndog, but somehow...you've never felt so heard. When you go back to skating, you're skating with maybe a tear in your eye.

4. The Stoneward Party

It's just a party at someone's house, where everyone brings a case of beer or a bottle of wine or a snack food, and everyone drinks out of red solo cups. But you know what the vibe is? Convivial. Like, people are waving you over to join their conversations and asking about your hobbies and at one point? Someone suggests a party game? And everyone plays? Like, it WAS a pretty competitive game of charades, but everyone seemed to be having fun the whole time.

5. The Truthwatcher Party

Their party was at a local bar and on trivia night. The party was immediately pretty boisterous--someone brings up politics, like, immediately, and then everyone is happily shouting their thoughts back and forth across the table. But when trivia time hits, the mood turns serious.

6. The Dustbringer Party

It's in the basement of a warehouse that you're pretty sure is due for demolition. Certainly, it does NOT feel particularly structurally sound and there IS a lot of, like, concrete dust and debris everywhere. But once you get downstairs--well, this is not just a party. This is a rager. There is music and alcohol and drugs if you want 'em, and people are shouting and dancing and generally having a good time. "When you're like us, you GOTTA let loose every once in a while or you go INSANE!" someone says to you at one point. "It's about release?" you say and everyone in a five-foot radius groans at the pun.

7. The Willshaper party

It's drugs. Lots of drugs. Some of them are illegal, some of them aren't, but the people here would definitely scoff if you tried to make that distinction.

8. The Elsecaller Party

Well, it certainly is a very correct party. You receive an RSVP, and it's clear that you are meant to respond. In writing. Which you do. The RSVP lets you know that the party is semiformal, and that the dinner course will begin at precisely 7pm, so you do not even try to do the whole "fashionably late" thing. You are there by 6:55. Good thing, too, because everyone else is already there. "Everyone" being Jasnah and one small, inky man. Have you ever had dinner with your dissertation advisor who is also your mom somehow? Well, then you know how this party went. You were SWEATING the whole time.

9. The Skybreaker Party

When they checked your ID at the entrance to the small event hall they had rented, you laughed and asked if they wanted to make sure you were over 21. Their expression in reply told you that this was not a joke. Inside, there is a cash bar, and some hors d'oeuvre being handed around on plates. The people inside are mostly talking about their recent accomplishments in a way that makes you feel that they are all very stressed and trying to prove something. "It's a test," says a bald man who appeared very suddenly next to you. "A test of what?" you ask, suddenly very afraid. But he is gone.

10. The Bondsmith Party

You're at a party, and it's just you and two other people. The two other people? Married. You feel like you're crashing a date. They're being very nice and you are being included in every conversation but you're also literally the third at a party with only two other people who are married. You can't help but think this would be WAY less awkward if there were just ONE more Bondsmith. But who knows if THAT will ever happen!

#cosmere #cosmerelists #knights radiant #stormlight archive

[cosmerelists]

Cosmere Insults (That Would Only Make Sense on Nalthis)

[Previously: Rosharan insults]

So...you need to insult someone? But you're on Nalthis, the world of Warbreaker? Don't worry--I got you! Just try these!

1. Personality so bland you'd make a Drab sparkle in comparison.

2. Your breath is so bad that even a Returned wouldn't want it!

3. Wow--I've never seen so much red on one person's ears.

4. If I had to describe you in one word, that word would be "colorless"!

5. If you keep on being so green from the ground, then I'm gonna walk all over you!

6. Ugh, please show some restraint. You're not a Returned!

7. Did you know that people who are Drab can't really taste or smell? Yeah, eating your food makes me wish that were me...

8. I think I'd get livelier conversation from a Lifeless...

9. Wish you'd been endowed with some sense, ya goof!

10. What an...interesting opinion you have. There's a talking sword I'd like to introduce you to!

#cosmere #cosmerelists #warbreaker #sort of #Nalthis

[cosmerelists]

Tags by @mossmanthemossman

Cosmere Characters Do Their Taxes

It was just Tax Day in the US! Let's say that Cosmere characters had to pay taxes. How would that go for them?

Sigzil: Knows the tax code inside and out. Saves his receipts. Is basically the IRS's dream guy.

Hoid: Does not pay taxes. This is canon.

Kelsier: Does not pay taxes. This feels canon.

Marasi: Always pays her taxes.

Vivenna: Always pays her taxes.

Denth: Sure talks a lot about how complicated mercenary taxes are but if you listen carefully, he never actually says he did them...

Nale: Rigorously follows the tax code of whatever country he is in.

Wyndle: Claims Lift as a dependent. Reports all illegally acquired income at fair market value, as the tax code requires.

Lightsong: Does not pay taxes because he's, like, a god. But it's always bothered him, somewhere in the back of his mind, for some reason...

Adolin: Cheerfully hires someone else to do his taxes, at least so long as he's single.

Shallan: Does her own taxes, Sebarial's taxes, and Adolin's taxes post-marriage.

Steris & Wax: Do their taxes together. Romantically.

Wayne: Gives so much money to charity that he never owes any taxes. Orders his accountants to find a way for him to pay taxes anyway.

Straff: Does not pay taxes in the way rich people don't pay taxes--through, like, legal loopholes and off-shore accounts and shit

Elend: Rewrites the tax code to pay more taxes.

Lirin: Committed tax fraud. But only once.

Taravangian: Is not allowed to file his taxes when he is too stupid--because he cries about how confusing it is--or when he's too smart--because he's too good at finding all of the super obvious tax loopholes and anyway he's obviously way better than the government at knowing how to spend his own money!

Painter: Got in trouble once for not filing taxes because he knew he didn't make enough to owe any taxes. Seemed kinda stupid to him.

Moash: Makes an ethical argument against taxes, since the tax laws are written to benefit the rich and screw over the poor and he has no control over what the government uses his taxes for.

Kaladin: Is torn between paying his taxes like Dalinar ordered or not paying his taxes since he promised Moash he wouldn't until he finally files his taxes at, like, midnight on tax day

It's a whole thing.

#omg #dead

[cosmerelists]

What Radiant Order Non-Stormlight Characters Would Belong To

As requested by anon. :)

If non-Stormlight Archive characters had the opportunity to bond spren, what orders would each of them belong to?

(I’m a Edgedancer, by the way, per the quiz!)

1. Vin: Windrunner

As pointed out by @itmakesssenseincontext (here), Vin literally thinks The Words that make someone a Windrunner, as she vows to only use her power to protect those unable to defend themselves. So. Like. If there had been an Honorspren around, she’d be a Windrunner already.

2. Steris: Elsecaller

The Elsecaller order is about self-improvement, and it attracts people who are quote "less flamboyant" and more serious, like scholars. Their spren are logicspren. I think this order would suit Steris very well!

3. Wayne: Edgedancer

This is per WOB! I mean, I do see it. Wayne’s power is essentially Super Empathy, as he can make himself understand other people’s perspective in order to pretend that he is one of them. Plus, he literally cannot forget the man he killed, creating elaborate and unhealthy rituals to remember him forever. I guess he does have healing powers too; I dunno if that’s part of the reasoning. Per Brandon, the other Edgedancers would find Wayne “strange,” but come on. Wayne & Lift would get on like a house on fire and would possibly literally cause that.

4. Sazed: Bondsmith

This is one of those that just felt right to me immediately, and then I just had to sit and try to figure out why. I think partly it's because Sazed literally bonded two very disparate Shards together into one, which feels very Bondsmith of him. But Sazed also cared a lot about connecting people and helping people understand other cultures, so there's that as well. I suppose the other one I could see for Sazed would be Edgedancer, given that he makes it his mission to save all otherwise forgotten religions. But I'm going Bondsmith as my number one choice.

5. Shai: Lightweaver

WOB has Shai as an Edgedancer, which I found shocking. I mean...the artistry? The literally becoming other people in order to be ready for various situations? The one last-ditch personality whose entire purpose is to craft an intricate lie to hide Shai from herself??? To me, Shai is a Lightweaver through and through. But per Brandon, Shai is an Edgedancer. So I guess it depends on who knows this character better. A random person who blogs or the literal author.

6. Wax: Skybreaker

As a lawman, basically. Plus, there's the whole conversation between Miles and Wax where Miles tries to convince Wax that if the law is unjust, you have a duty to oppose the law and Wax is like, "Nuh-uh shut up." (Since that so mirrors Kal and Moash, I can understand teh Wax as Windrunner argument, but we can't have ALL the protagonists be Windrunners!)

7. Marasi: Truthwatcher

This is almost certainly just me--I so strongly headcanon Marasi as an investigative reporter that I can't even remember the truth anymore. Ironic, I guess, given the subject of this entry... If I wanted to try to justify this, I guess I'd say Marasi does have a canonical interest in discovering the truth...but yeah, I don't expect many to agree with this one!

8. Rashek: Skybreaker

Had to include this one, as it's a WOB. Not a very good one, per Sanderson, but a Skybreaker nonetheless. Let's all imagine Nale having to deal with Rashek, shall we?

9. Vivenna: Stoneward

Vivinna does feel very Windrunner to me, given her bro chemistry with Kaladin. But the Stonewards are about being where they're needed, about being dependable and good team players, about making the best of a bad situation. I think of Vivenna showing up on a whole new planet, seeing a city without leadership, and being like, "Sure, I'll take over the city guard and forge a team of incredibly loyal guards until it's time for me to move on and go to the next place I'm needed."

10. Ranette: Dustbringer

Mostly because of the tinkerer angle--dustbringers are interested in knowing how things work, plus their power is inherently destructive and so requires careful control. And Ranette, you know, makes guns 'n' stuff.

11. Bleeder: Willshaper

The Willshapers are about freedom--for themselves, and for others. They want to free those who have been unjustly imprisoned. And oh man. What Bleeder wanted was to free herself and others from Harmony's influence, from the way he could literally take her and others over. So she wanted freedom for everyone and would do anything to obtain it.

12. Kelsier: Edgedancer, Dustbringer, or Willshaper

Sorry to end on a WOB, but I'm fascinated that Sanderson can see so many possibilities for Kelsier. An Edgedancer in his desire to change the world back into a green paradise for Mare. A Dustbringer or Willshaper for self-mastery and determination. Honestly, I'm most fascinated by Willshaper, due to the comment that they believe any law is a form of oppression. That extreme form of freedom really feels like it suits Kelsier, to me.

#this got long so I only did 12! #if people enjoy I'd be happy to do more or to have people add on their own thoughts! #cosmere #cosmerelists #Vin #Steris #Wax #Wayne #Marasi #Kelsier #Bleeder #Ranette #Rashek #Vivenna #Shai #Sazed

[cosmerelists]

Cosmere Characters Do Their Taxes

It was just Tax Day in the US! Let's say that Cosmere characters had to pay taxes. How would that go for them?

Sigzil: Knows the tax code inside and out. Saves his receipts. Is basically the IRS's dream guy.

Hoid: Does not pay taxes. This is canon.

Kelsier: Does not pay taxes. This feels canon.

Marasi: Always pays her taxes.

Vivenna: Always pays her taxes.

Denth: Sure talks a lot about how complicated mercenary taxes are but if you listen carefully, he never actually says he did them...

Nale: Rigorously follows the tax code of whatever country he is in.

Wyndle: Claims Lift as a dependent. Reports all illegally acquired income at fair market value, as the tax code requires.

Lightsong: Does not pay taxes because he's, like, a god. But it's always bothered him, somewhere in the back of his mind, for some reason...

Adolin: Cheerfully hires someone else to do his taxes, at least so long as he's single.

Shallan: Does her own taxes, Sebarial's taxes, and Adolin's taxes post-marriage.

Steris & Wax: Do their taxes together. Romantically.

Wayne: Gives so much money to charity that he never owes any taxes. Orders his accountants to find a way for him to pay taxes anyway.

Straff: Does not pay taxes in the way rich people don't pay taxes--through, like, legal loopholes and off-shore accounts and shit

Elend: Rewrites the tax code to pay more taxes.

Lirin: Committed tax fraud. But only once.

Taravangian: Is not allowed to file his taxes when he is too stupid--because he cries about how confusing it is--or when he's too smart--because he's too good at finding all of the super obvious tax loopholes and anyway he's obviously way better than the government at knowing how to spend his own money!

Painter: Got in trouble once for not filing taxes because he knew he didn't make enough to owe any taxes. Seemed kinda stupid to him.

Moash: Makes an ethical argument against taxes, since the tax laws are written to benefit the rich and screw over the poor and he has no control over what the government uses his taxes for.

Kaladin: Is torn between paying his taxes like Dalinar ordered or not paying his taxes since he promised Moash he wouldn't until he finally files his taxes at, like, midnight on tax day

It's a whole thing.

#cosmere #cosmerelists #Sigzil #Hoid #Kelsier #Marasi #Vivenna #Denth #nale #Wyndle #Lightsong #Adolin #Shallan #Steris #Wax #Wayne #Straff #Elend #Lirin #Taravangian #Painter #Moash #Kaladin

[cosmerelists]

The Other Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse But Make It Cosmere

As requested by @round-hatches-are-terrifying. :)

In the Good Omens novel, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (War, Famine, Pollution, and Death), who are bikers, are followed by four other biker dudes who chose their own names to be, uh, equally ominous:

Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty to Animals, Really Cool People, and Treading In Dogshit (formerly All Foreigners Especially The French, formerly Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping, never actually No Alcohol Lager, briefly Embarrassing Personal Problems, and finally People Covered in Fish)

So let's say we had other Horsemen on various Cosmere planets. What would they be named?

1. Roshar (Stormlight Archive)

The Main Horsemen: War, Famine, Desolation, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Man-Eating Giant Crabs, Running Out Of Stormlight Right In The Middle of the Weeping, Ill-Conceived Boons, and Reified Gender Norms (formerly Men Reading, formerly Predicting the Future But Not Like Storm Wardens Do Because That's Just Math Basically, briefly just Predicting the Future)

2. Scadrial (Era 1) (Mistborn)

The Main Horsemen: Famine, Pestilence, Ash, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Child Abuse, Dangerous Piercings, Trying to Keep Literally Anything Clean, and Getting Hit in The Head With A Coin Like Every Night Because of Those Blasted Mistborn Flying About Everywhere

3. Scadrial (Era 2) (Mistborn)

The Main Horsemen: War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Social Unrest, Rich Bastards, ACAB, and Getting Hit in The Head With A Coin Like Every Night Because of Those Blasted Coinshots Flying About Everywhere

4. Nalthis (Warbreaker)

The Main Horsemen: War, Famine, Death, and Second Death

The Other Horsemen: Undead Squirrel Attacks, Being Out of Breath, The Haunting Realization that the Gods Who Live Among Us Are Actually Pretty Daft, and All Foreigners But Especially the Idrians

5. Threnody (Shadows for Silence)

The Main Horsemen: Fire, Blood, Running, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Fortfolk-Acting-Too-Big-For-Their-Britches, Withering-That-Does-Not-Kill-You-But-Does-Make-Life-Just-That-Much-Harder-Forever, Ghost-Grandmother, and Adonalsium-May-Remember-Our-Plight-Eventually-But-For-Now-It-Is-Pretty-Bleak-Out-Here-Guys

6. Komashi (Yumi and the Nightmare Painter)

The Main Horsemen: Nightmares, Famine, Pestilence, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Artist's Block, Being Straight on a Planet Where Even the Lighting is Bisexual, AI Art, and A Stiff Breeze Coming At Exactly The Wrong Time Noooo My Rock Stacks

7. First of the Sun (Sixth of Dusk)

The Main Horsemen: Bad Death, Worst Death, Quick Death, and Slow Death

The Other Horsemen: Mainlanders, Mainlander Capitalism, Kids These Days, and Suspicious Invaders (?) From Outer Space

8. Sel (Elantris)

The Main Horsemen: War, Famine, the Shaod, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Aggressive Proselytizers, Stubbing your Toe, People Who Do Not Accept The Word of Shu-Dereth And So Seal For Themselves Their Own Inevitable Doom, and I'm With The First Guy Who Said Proselytizers (formerly People Covered in Slime)

#I like how the Canticle horsemen are clearly choosing their names in response to Nomad #truly an inspirational man that Nomad

[cosmerelists]

no request I just wanted to say cosmerelists I love you and what you do for this fandom

♥️

Thank you, genuinely!

I appreciate you taking the time to send a sweet message!

[cosmerelists]

The Other Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse But Make It Cosmere

As requested by @round-hatches-are-terrifying. :)

In the Good Omens novel, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (War, Famine, Pollution, and Death), who are bikers, are followed by four other biker dudes who chose their own names to be, uh, equally ominous:

Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty to Animals, Really Cool People, and Treading In Dogshit (formerly All Foreigners Especially The French, formerly Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping, never actually No Alcohol Lager, briefly Embarrassing Personal Problems, and finally People Covered in Fish)

So let's say we had other Horsemen on various Cosmere planets. What would they be named?

1. Roshar (Stormlight Archive)

The Main Horsemen: War, Famine, Desolation, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Man-Eating Giant Crabs, Running Out Of Stormlight Right In The Middle of the Weeping, Ill-Conceived Boons, and Reified Gender Norms (formerly Men Reading, formerly Predicting the Future But Not Like Storm Wardens Do Because That's Just Math Basically, briefly just Predicting the Future)

2. Scadrial (Era 1) (Mistborn)

The Main Horsemen: Famine, Pestilence, Ash, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Child Abuse, Dangerous Piercings, Trying to Keep Literally Anything Clean, and Getting Hit in The Head With A Coin Like Every Night Because of Those Blasted Mistborn Flying About Everywhere

3. Scadrial (Era 2) (Mistborn)

The Main Horsemen: War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Social Unrest, Rich Bastards, ACAB, and Getting Hit in The Head With A Coin Like Every Night Because of Those Blasted Coinshots Flying About Everywhere

4. Nalthis (Warbreaker)

The Main Horsemen: War, Famine, Death, and Second Death

The Other Horsemen: Undead Squirrel Attacks, Being Out of Breath, The Haunting Realization that the Gods Who Live Among Us Are Actually Pretty Daft, and All Foreigners But Especially the Idrians

5. Threnody (Shadows for Silence)

The Main Horsemen: Fire, Blood, Running, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Fortfolk-Acting-Too-Big-For-Their-Britches, Withering-That-Does-Not-Kill-You-But-Does-Make-Life-Just-That-Much-Harder-Forever, Ghost-Grandmother, and Adonalsium-May-Remember-Our-Plight-Eventually-But-For-Now-It-Is-Pretty-Bleak-Out-Here-Guys

6. Komashi (Yumi and the Nightmare Painter)

The Main Horsemen: Nightmares, Famine, Pestilence, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Artist's Block, Being Straight on a Planet Where Even the Lighting is Bisexual, AI Art, and A Stiff Breeze Coming At Exactly The Wrong Time Noooo My Rock Stacks

7. First of the Sun (Sixth of Dusk)

The Main Horsemen: Bad Death, Worst Death, Quick Death, and Slow Death

The Other Horsemen: Mainlanders, Mainlander Capitalism, Kids These Days, and Suspicious Invaders (?) From Outer Space

8. Sel (Elantris)

The Main Horsemen: War, Famine, the Shaod, and Death

The Other Horsemen: Aggressive Proselytizers, Stubbing your Toe, People Who Do Not Accept The Word of Shu-Dereth And So Seal For Themselves Their Own Inevitable Doom, and I'm With The First Guy Who Said Proselytizers (formerly People Covered in Slime)

#cosmere #cosmerelists #Stormlight Archive #Mistborn #Warbreaker #Elantris #Yumi and the Nightmare Painter #Sixth of Dusk #Shadows for Silence

[cosmerelists]

Announcement: Request Week

So for this week only (probably), I’ll be posting every day! Basically I’ve done my regular three lists but I’m also slotting in list requests on each off day: Monday, Wednesday, and probably Friday.

Think of this as a thank-you for sending me requests!

And also I was too lazy to rearrange the queue I already had. 😅

[cosmerelists]

Kelsier: "Be Prepared!"

[Spoilers for Mistborn 1!]

The following should be sung to the tune of "Be Prepared" from the Lion King. The scene: the safehouse in Luthadel as Kelsier unveils the big plan for the first time. "Why are you giving Kelsier a villain song?" you ask. Well, let's not read too much into it...

[Previous song parodies: Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better, Radiant, Somebody That I Used To Know, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Surface Pressure, Can't Wait to Kill the King]

Kelsier:

You all think the Lord Ruler's immortal

That his empire can never fall

But I know of a power primordial

A new metal that might save us all

I know you have low expectations

And think this can never be done

But try having high aspirations!

I think our crew's second to none.

It's clear from your doubtful expressions

You think that I'm just putting on airs

But we're good at heists and deceptions

Even HE can be caught unawares

So prepare for the chance of a lifetime

Be prepared for the world's greatest plot

A shining new era

Is tiptoeing nearer

Vin:

And where do I feature?

Kelsier:

Just listen to me, here!

I know it sounds crazy

And the plan's still quite hazy

But we must strike while the iron is hot!

An injustice that's finally repaired

Be prepared!

Yeden:

Yeah, be prepared! We'll be prepared all right.

...For what?

Kelsier:

For the death of the Lord Ruler!

Breeze (sarcastically):

Why, is he sick?

Kelsier:

No, friend. We're gonna kill him.

Overthrow his government too.

Clubs (sarcastically):

Great idea--kill an immortal god.

We can't! Do that! La-la-la-la-la-la

Kelsier:

Listen up--I have a plan

Vin:

But you said--

Kelsier:

We'll make a plan!

Stick with me and the skaa will never be oppressed again!

Yeden (nervously)

Yeah, all right, long live the plan!

Whole crew, minus Clubs, somewhat doubtfully:

Long live the plan!

Long live the plan!

Whole crew:

It's great that we'll soon have constructed

A plan that can take down a god

Kelsier:

Of course, some paths may be obstructed

When our goals are so lofty and broad.

The future is full of surprises

And though we can't see 'round the bend,

The point that I must emphasis is

We skaa will be kings in the end!

So prepare for the coup of the century

Be prepared for the cleverest scam

Meticulous planning

Tenacity spanning

Decades of oppression,

Abuse, and repression--

We must overthrow them

The nobles--we'll show 'em

Their ways and their power's a sham!

Yes, our hopes and our metals are flared

Be prepared!

Yes, our hopes and our metals are flared

Be prepared!

#cosmere #cosmerelists #Kelsier #Mistborn #Vin #Clubs #Breeze #Yeden

[cosmerelists]

Cosmere Characters in the Hunger Games

As requested by @sweetteaanddragons :)

I haven't read or watched Hunger Games, but I've picked up enough through cultural osmosis...I hope. They're kids in an arena fighting to the death, right? And it's a media circus? And there are 12 districts? And they're poor? I think I got it! Anyway, let's stick Cosmere characters in that arena and see how they do!

By the way, for the most part I'm imagining these characters in their own separate hunger games, not all together, just because I didn't want to imagine all of my blorbos killing each other.

1. Kaladin

After a kid who looks just like Tien literally dies in Kaladin's arms (note: all of the kids look exactly like Tien so far as Kaladin is concerned), Kaladin realizes that the Hunger Games are about kids dying, not about kids surviving. He decides that he has to save everyone, and quickly builds a coalition with the other tributes. They all die anyway and Kaladin wins.

He's not happy about it.

2. Shallan

Sadly, Shallan dies while trying unsuccessfully to convince a stick to become fire. Technically, I think this means the stick wins, but they give the award to some kid instead, for some reason.

3. Adolin

Adolin was doing really well until FOUR other tributes all decided to gang up on him. Even then, he fought like an uncaged tiger and very nearly survived. Nearly. (Hey, uh, most characters die in Hunger Games, right?)

4. Vin

Vin slices through the competition like a vengeful god. Emphasis on vengeful. And god. She barely even lets herself get distracted by the weird love triangle between that guy who wants to make the world better and the one who wants to burn it all down. She's too busy, like, killing everyone.

5. Zane

Zane thinks it's pretty swell to be in this killing arena killing people. What isn't swell is that Vin isn't into him, even AFTER their romantic killing spree. What gives? Anyway. Vin kills him.

6. Elend

Elend has a lot of thoughts about the sociological implications of the games. He does not have a lot of thoughts about how to sharpen a stick into a crude spear and ram it through someone's chest. (Is that what happens in the Hunger Games?) Regardless, I don't think he makes it long... Sorry, Elend.

7. Spook

Spook is a wraith. No one ever sees him coming. Or sees him at all. He keeps receiving supplies and weapons from a mysterious benefactor. At one point he starts wearing a handkerchief over his eyes and killing people by sound alone. I don't really see him winning, tbh (sorry Spook), but he is definitely a crowd favorite who makes it super far.

8. Szeth

"To kill innocent children for the amusement of distant viewers blackens my soul with a stain that shall never be removed. Oh, how I hate this. Oh, how I hate this senseless, senseless killing," Szeth thinks to himself as he constructs an unnecessarily elaborate death trap that kills his opponents horribly. "No one suffers like me," Szeth thinks, over all of the screaming.

9. Renarin

Hey remember when Renarin killed a Thunderclast mostly off-screen? Plus he has future sight. If they've got their powers in this game, then Radiant Renarin is probably taking it all. If not, well...let's not go there.

10. Vivenna

After her sister is sent as a tribute in Vivenna's place, Vivenna enters the Hunger Games anyway, determined to somehow put a stop to them. For example, she takes all the food she can find and hides it in one place so that it will be safe for everyone. She figures out how to predict supply drops to ensure that she always gets to them first. While convinced that she is the Hunger Games Breaker, she is actually the season's most notorious villain and eventually everyone bands together to kill her. Sorry, Vivenna.

11. Kelsier

Kelsier wins the hearts of viewers everywhere, mostly due to his determination to keep smiling no matter what horrors he must survive. He's, like, really good at killing people also. The Survivor, people call him. But when he is shockingly cut down and killed, his death galvanizes a rebellion against, uh, President Snow? Is that the big bad? Anyway. There's a religion about him now.

12. Ann

Oh, Ann. So excited to shoot guns. (Do they have guns?) So excited to shoot bows and arrows maybe. But she can't shoot worth a damn. She has a splendid time and hits no one. And, well, she does not win.

13. Cord

Frankly, Cord wants to win and bring glory and money (?) back home to her people, who desperately need it. I'm assuming the districts get stuff if their person wins. Cord is in it to win it. And she's awfully good with that bow and arrow...

14. Lift

Man, I don't want Lift to be in the Hunger Games! Lift thinks killing is lazy and boring! Sure, she'd be great at hiding in trees and getting food, but I definitely do not see Lift actually being able to kill anyone. Is that allowed? Will she be disqualified?

15. Tress

Tress looks at the Death Arena Whose Purpose Is Death and says, "But is anyone gonna Make Friends about it" and doesn't wait for an answer. Somehow, by the end, basically everyone IS friends. Except for that one person who really did want to kill. But she and Tress went off together and only Tress returned. So.

Basically, Tress's influence ruins the Hunger Games that year. Nobody wants the Friendship Games.

#Cosmere #Cosmerelists #Kaladin #Adolin #Shallan #Vin #Elend #Spook #Zane #Lift #Tress #Vivenna #Kelsier #Szeth #Ann #Renarin #Cord

[cosmerelists]

Could you do a list on how different cosmere characters (Roshar specific) would react to meeting an octopus? We know that they typically react with shock and mild disgust toward animals with no carapace (horses, Kaladin and the description of the dog) but I wonder what they would say about a total invertebrate.

Ooooh, I like this, sure! You're number 6 in my list, so it'll be, uh, like 12ish posts from now, probably?

#askcosmerelists

[cosmerelists]

Help the Shadesmar Tourism Board Choose a New Slogan!

Citizens of the Cosmere--or wherever else this message has ended up--we of the Shadesmar Tourism Board (Roshar branch) need YOUR help!

We are trying to increase tourism to the lovely and unique realm of Shadesmar. Which of the following slogans do you think will be most effective in accomplishing this goal?

Please help us by choosing YOUR favorite!

#cosmere #cosmerelists #tw: unreality #just in case #Shadesmar

[cosmerelists]

I love this blog, I check it nearly every day. Yes, I know it only updates certain days of the week, I check it anyway.

reminds me of this thread from the 17th Shard: https://www.17thshard.com/forums/topic/69308-the-ten-orders-how-they-do-everyday-things/

(since you're asking for list suggestions, I'm going to plagiarize myself from that thread and ask for characters/orders on the Internet or at an animal shelter)(cause I can't very well ask you to riff on someone else's specific posts without their permission)(the general concept is probably okay, tho)

Hi! I’m glad my blog is in your daily routine 😄

Your contributions to that thread are gold! It took me a little while to figure out if I could think of a riff unique enough to be funny without copying your jokes. I think I can do a unique spin on the Orders on the Internet one so I’ll try that!

My new schedule is to slide in the requests every other posting day or so. I think there’s like 5 ahead of you.

Also anyone reading this to check out that thread it’s really funny!