emeraldcityprincess-blog
Friends, Flakes, & Snakes
A collaboration from the different personalities and corners of my mind.
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What’s next
As the months speed onward I feel like a satellite that is off course. Along with the stress of finding consistent work, I find myself feeling ill. The doctor told me it was inner-ear, and they’re probably right. I get the most odd sensation of a left temple twitch, sometimes making that area of the head feeling a little swollen/pressure. It’s not painful, but it’s uncomfortable. The worse part is sometimes when these symptoms occur it is followed up by nausea and vertigo (which is what has led the doctor to believe that it is inner ear related). It could also be an allergy. Based on the things I’ve searched online, there isn’t really an explanation. I’ve seen my doctor and had TONS of tests ran to ensure my body isn’t out of whack. I even got put on the IUD to regulate my hormones. I’ve had blood tests and the whole 9 yards.
I try to avoid thoughts of impending doom, as my family and friends have always referred to me as a hypochondriac. The doctor’s I feel are overwhelmed with seeing me, and I feel embarrassed every time I return just to be given a nonexistent conclusion.
There isn’t really a medical condition that I should be inheriting that would cause this. If I had one wish in the world, it would be that all of my symptoms regarding health disappear until I’m at a reasonable age to experience any.
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When I look like shit, they look at me like they hate me. When I look my best and know that I look pretty, half of them look at me like they hate me. You just can’t win.
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overthinking
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Make me one of your French Girls, Calvin.
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RIP Maya Plisetskaya
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Continuous Purgatory
I don’t even know how to write this anymore without it sounding repetitive. I will start this out on a positive note: The weather is starting to warm up with longer days and beaming rays of Vitamin D. It’s all too funny though when you have absolutely no desire to leave your home. My friend count seems to diminish by the month, but the ones I’ve held on to are people worth keeping. Fuck it thought, it’s sunny right?
As adults, we get stuck in the rut of our own lives, goals, dreams, ambitions, and other vanity filled routines of exercise and grooming. I feel like I’m right on the edge of feeling motivation, but then I remember the endless rejection of broken dreams and failed attempts.
I interviewed for another job last week. It was for a company that creates the handles for various ciders and beers. You know, the thing bartenders pull down on when you order something “on tap”?. Well after getting through the phone interview, in-person interview, and then a 3rd in-person interview, I still managed to somehow fuck it up for myself. My mind is absolutely boggled as I spent hours out of my day selling myself and attempting to do the “I’m a perfect dancing monkey” act, that everyone expects to ensure that they weed out the lunatics. This company does not half ass their interviewing process. In fact, they do the opposite. My 3rd interview was with three different higher-ups, including the CEO. Based on some scheduling difficulties, the interviewing ended up being a total of 4.5 hours out of my day. I thought for sure I bagged it. Why didn’t I? Your guess is as good as mine.
I connected with each of the people individually. We discussed not only my capabilities, but also my abilities to reason. I was asked to explain how a handle went from sketch to final product. I nailed it by explaining the entire molding process back to the executive. He was surprised. The second guy I spoke with was interested in all of my employment history, travel experience (since I grew up abroad), and music taste. We had a creative connection on our music taste, which made me feel like I could possibly make friends with my coworkers. If I messed it up at all, it was with the CEO. I’ve never interviewed with one. I know it’s just a title, but it was a Friday afternoon, and he was already late for our scheduled appointment. I felt like he was irritated by my presence, and I probably royally fucked up some of my answers after this point. I still was confident, but looking into his eyes and his back in mine, I felt like he didn’t trust me. I’m known to over analyze things, but I have a gift at reading body language and tone.
When asked for feedback after receiving my rejection letter, I received nothing. The initial letter said “We’ve decided to chose a candidate more experienced.” What a slap in the face considering they were targeting college grads with a position claiming to be “entry level”.
I told them one of my creative ideas for their brand. Big mistake considering it’s pretty obvious they’re going to use it. I asked why not incorporate lights into their handles since bars and clubs are often dark, and the art and aesthetic falls victim to the shadows? Their faces lit up, and I remember them trying to pass it off by saying “Funny, we were just discussing the possibility of that very idea in our meeting last week.” Mofos. MOFOS I tell you.
Since I was given a business card, I asked one of the guys I interviewed with via e-mail his feedback. What I received was something along the lines of, “I had a great time connecting with you, but I’ve been pulled from the hiring team and therefore am not able to provide you any additional feedback.”
Wow. Fuck me right? I even wore like very little makeup as per usual to ensure I didn’t come off as some hussy skank. I dressed business casual, and not overly formal since most people in that office wear jeans and have a very laid back demeanor. WTF DID I DOOOOO? I would have blended in that place nicely. These people overlook talent all the time. They wonder why they have so many internal issues? It’s because they overlook people like me. I can’t wait for the day I rise out above the rejection and take the world by storm. I will be the misfit toy enabler if ever given the ability to handpick people I want to work with. My team dynamic would be unstoppable... if only.....
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Eh.
The definition of pitiful is that I'm writing again to document a time where I feel lost. Feelings are fucking useless. Feelings = creativity = making shit = making money. Eventually I'll muster enough of my nonsense into a condensed version that people will take pleasure reading. I'm thankful all the time to be alive, but then I get to the looming fear that drives individuals to become religious. It is the question of, "Well what's it really matter if I'm thankful to be alive, if I'm just going to die and forget it all?" I can't answer that. I see why people find peace in the fantasy of an after life, I just can't understand why they kill people over shit they can't prove.
I think I managed to condense five different rants into that last paragraph.
Is writing like talking to yourself? I am doubtful anybody reads anything I write, so I am sending this off like a message in a bottle... into "e-space" where the tides will come and go. I'll die and there will be nothing left of me except these shitty rantings.
I can't find comfort in a future, I definitely can't find comfort in my past... tomorrow isn't looking bright... jeez I don't know if I have a hormonal imbalance or if all of this is justified.
Fuck it, I have nothing else to say for now.
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Mundane to the tenth degree.
So a couple months ago the contract ended for my fashion job, at that very very reputable vacation fantasy clothing or as they'd like to refer to as a "lifestyle brand". The Hawaiian prints, palm trees, and patterns and textures haunt me. I landed myself another contract job after pulling my hair out with the job hunt. 100 applications later found one. Ironically enough, it's at a tech job for one of the most reputable global companies to have ever existed. What do I know about computers? Well I've been surprising myself since the first time I found a loop hole into getting into Windows XP without a password. I just wanted to play The Sims, but my Mom kept changing the password.
Anyways, where I work is glamorous. You can drink like any type of drink that comes in a can for free at anytime. You're also not treated like a child, and are aloud to technically drink liquor if you wanted. Though, that would probably be a bad idea for me. The greatest part about the job is being able to work for home. Even though I had myself decked out with giant monitors and a decent desk, I was in an cubicle haven of vendors; most which are foreign or 20 years older than me. Apparently my building is filled with scientists, engineers, and cool peeps that have been doing this stuff since the beginning.
My old laptop broke somewhere in-between the last job ending, and this one. I finally purchased one. On a credit card, but with the almost double pay comparable to my last job, I will be able to pay it off. I also can get on tumblr again. I CAN WRITE AGAIN. Pen and paper aren't the same anymore. My fingers work at almost the same pace as my brain.
My job is mundane. I mean that in the most respectful and grateful way, but even my CSR job back at a pizza place wasn't as repetitive. I'd explain, but I don't think it's appropriate to go in thorough detail.
Everyone just calm the fuck down. </random>
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Soon to be Joblessness isn't the worse thing in the world. There's plenty of fall backs.
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I haven't written in awhile
Things have been going well. I got a big girl job. Or at least it appeared that way. Sometimes a sadness creeps up though, and though it blows winds of creativity, it also brings nights of insomnia, and chasing light.
People in my industry are intense. When you think you're doing well, you deal with the classist war that takes place within corporate America. I love all of my efforts go from think-room, to soon-to-be in your stores. I am part of that. Finally. Even if it doesn't last, I made a ripple. I'm a small stone, in a large pond.
I love you all.
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(via Druzy Necklace Druzy Jewelry Silver Druzy by SongYeeDesigns)
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Photography by Shae DeTar, Dress by Anna Sui, Stockings AA
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If Flowers Eat Earth Like Sunlight Oversees Song And Dance.
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[3]
The darkness is always a tough period because you can't see so you're always bumping into shit. You're bumping, trying to feel your way into the light and sometimes you touch sharp corners that hurt, poke, sting, or cut. Being in the dark is lonely too.
I thought I was making major progression. I interviewed with two established Seattle-based companies. One that's a very well-known department store, and one online retailer.
For the department store I made it through the entire process. I interviewed over the phone, with the assistant manager, and then finally with the manager. It would be in the Menswear department, which even though I lack a basic understanding of what's what with how men dress based on occasion, I would quickly learn. Where my skills for this job would be the most enticing is that I can capture a man's attention through dialogue alone. I have always when given the opportunity to excel impressed my peers, colleagues, etc. I've never met a man I couldn't make fall in love with me; though that wouldn't be the objective for the job obviously.
For this department store's interviews I played the part perfectly. I dressed like a polished shoe, asked questions, shook hands, kept my posture at a level that would give cotillion attendees shame. I jumped through the hoops by answering their questions, which I had a rough idea of what they would be, and had been practicing my answers.
It's been a week. I followed up with the manager via e-mail to see where I stood. I've heard nothing back. It's sickening really.
The online retailer was on Tuesday. It's Wednesday. I was at the tail end of my sickness during that interview so I sounded like a mix between a pubescent boy and Bumblebee from Transformers. They understood, or so they said. I still answered all their questions with an honest heart and good intent. I haven't heard from them. It's Friday.
It eats me up inside trying to figure out if and where I went wrong. What gave them the impression that I couldn't do the job well? What gave them the idea that I was lacking a trait or skill? I feel like I couldn't have done any better, and that's what is the most painful about it all. I feel like being yourself and trying your best sometimes isn't enough. I hate rejection, and I feel more rejected than a pile of VHS tapes sitting in a person's garage. I feel like the Zune Mp3 player, I feel like half0off Christmas decorations.
My heart is a wreck, and I feel like I'm not doing enough with my life. The sickness I had was bad. It was two nights of fevers. When I say fevers, I mean sitting naked in my living room and using a spray bottle to mist myself with a fan pointed at me. After that my sinuses went on overdrive and I coughed and blew nose endlessly for another 2 days with no sleep. I got a doctor's note, and spent a total of four days not working. I spent days on the couch not leaving my apartment. I didn't even have energy to write. My cough is still here, and I have to pop my ears every five minutes.
Everyone in my family (they don't live on the same coast as me) got sick this year. My Aunt and Grandma got pneumonia. My Mom got a sinus infection, my sister had something. It's like my whole side of the family got hexed. Or our genes are not strong against a particular strain of influenza this year. I'm just sad, I feel like I've wasted so much time. A week of time doing NOTHING. I watched Gossip Girl, and that show is entertaining in all ways evil. I wish I could live in their shoes just to manipulate the way Blaire does, but for good reasons--not for bad.
Since I'm still coughing, I'll probably just end up taking another shot of Nyquil and passing out. It's Friday night, but there is nothing in store for me. I have myself to blame for any misfortune in my life. Not sickness, but anything else it is by choice.
I feel like I'm crawling towards the light, but it could just be an illusion.
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