farther-then-a-feather

[farther-then-a-feather]

I. Do not wish to post this on my main blog, and it is not poetry, however

Stories that are about people and their actual struggles, about growing as a person, about finding out who you want to be as a person

Are sometimes hard to watch when you dont have direction. Of course that is part of why i love them so much but I cant get over

The way Id want to be in 10 years is dead. And that is. Not what i want to be thinking, but I am long past where i expected to live to, and while i try and try to plan and functiin and do the day to day and be there for and with the people i care about I just

Im so tired, and if I am this tried now when will I not be tired? If I can barely get out of bed and do the most basic of self maintenance how do i expect myself to find stable job?

When i was younge ri wanted to move out at 16. It hs been 4 years since that goal but it feels like so much just. Getting methaphorically beaten down in how much i cant follow through

Because. I know I have a lot of time ahead of me, and I know it will likely get better in a theoretical sense, but often it just doesnt seen worth it, why am i putting myself throught this? I dont enjoy life i just. I wish i did i try so much, i go outside, i

I dont know what to do, my home life took a turn for the worse a few years ago after an incident

And I feel like i need to explain myself and ny situation, to justify how i feel, to have a reason for being so tired and dyfunctional

But I know, Its not that. Because I hit 15 andIjust. I lost any idea of purpose or. J ust. I had a huge depressive episode, there are several months of it I barely even remember

And it wasnt over something huge, it wasnt a life changibg event outaide of my control. It was a pile up of stress due to expectations and how easily i could logic myself out of doing what i actually want

Because I dont tell people what i want to do. At this point i dont think there is anything I truly want to do outside of decompose slowly in the mud. Preferebly cold and wet so i suffocate ina terrible manner to feel the adrenaline of it all

And its not good and its not reasonable but the mix of stress and hormones and then jsut. My own week willedness. I just. I dont stant my ground. And very few people who know me would ever sya that about me but I jsut. I dont say no, I jsut dont say yes because ill fail at doing more then half of anything

and i thought for the longest time that i didnt feel guilt, but it was jsut because almost all i felt Was guilt. For not being good enough, for not caring enough, for not doing enough, for not being Able to make myself more even when i know logically i should be able to

And i can rationalise my way out of anything and everyone close to me would be able to answer what. y goals are because i have plans. im decent at making plans

but i dont really want to follow thru with them. they are just me, grasping at straws trying my best and failing over and over again and

And I try so hard to build support networks, to make friends, i care so much about my friends but they jsut keep moving away and i keep failing at properly keeping the friendships as strong long distance and i just dont know what to do anymore

i jsut want someone to stay, to care for me and

#me #vent post #vent #personal #rambling #The headache from crying has once again made a reapearence but i Am going to post this without reading it anyway because im just. #very lost and maybe screaming into the void will help with processing #and then i will drink water and my antidepressants

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There are ten trillion pictures of flowering trees to the point where they sometimes seem trite and overdone. But then you see a tree in full flower and go holy shit this rules and I've gotta show this to everyone so they can experience the same magic and wonder and there are ten trillion and one pictures of flowering trees

[farther-then-a-feather]

i do not wish to open the book because i know in it i will find a mirror and i dont think i need that at this moment, i am trying not to look so that i cant find what i already know is there

and i also know the words wont connect and there is a fog like a horses blinds around my eyes and i wont get it because i wont feel it the way a person would

even if the book is about not feeling human and like a farce

so. dramatic avoidance where i am more hung up on the shadows in the cave then the fire and what is actually there

#me #yes this is about my avoidance in reading nlongerhuman #i dont want this to show up in the tag of the book all that much #but ive been thinking about the book on and off but its not really about the book #but more what i think it will be like and about and the way i Think it may reflect my own emotional state #which is likely not even how id feel if i actually red it #which is also something i think about in relatiom to my aboidance of actually reading it #because what if i dont like it. what if i jsut relate to all of theese feelings that i think other people feel about it #and ive taken it as some sort of symbol of the . emotional period i am in #because what if its actually not a terrible idea to read it right now #and i am just deluding myself and the relative importance of what im thinking

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i wish so badly to be myself

because id like to see that person

i dont think weve ever met, but id like to know them

A person with emotions like all the others, not a thinking and turning gramophone, not a record repeating, the needle stuck

because there is no difference in going and repeating, for to change you first have to be, and i havent yet met me

#original poem

[farther-then-a-feather]

@nosebleedclub / jan. #24

[farther-then-a-feather]

[farther-then-a-feather]

I'd listen to your hums and tell myself you're justified

Everytime you told me

To give up my crafts.

I'd stop my sketches, my writings, my music

My play, my feelings, my thoughts

And follow you down the path you carved for me,

All the while you kept singing and your voice grew sweeter.

You were allowed to grow

Yet you forbade me to,

And now that I'm looking back on the years I wasted

Doing what you wanted me to

I feel like I'm justified

In wanting to ruin you, too.

Regardless, too late is too late, after all.

-AlexiseD.

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My feather has dried out and the papers are torn...My ink's coagulated and the mind is worn...

Saying I'm tired without saying I'm tired

Poetricismic

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the air of a childhood memory

always brushes by me

when i walk down that road

on which i hope to see someone

who is also remembering me

#original poem #i think i could probably write something more complex about this #but sometimes this feeling isnt really complex #it aches with growing pains but it is pretty cut and dry #i hope someone is as nostalgic as i #about the times we were friends and our days were spend together

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Blown Fuse

-

Perhaps the numbness

Isn't the absence of emotion

But the overwhelm of them.

The way laying down

With your pet

Cracks sunlight through the shell.

The way I think

Seeing you in all black

Could pull me out of this hell.

Perhaps the numbness

Came in the night.

When your body ached with so many feelings,

Too big for your frame.

Your soul cracked open,

And said

"Don't worry.

We'll feel these again,

Someday."

x

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I know you want someone to take your hand..

Hold you close and tell you that they understand..

That the pain you feel will eventually fade away..

That you’ll find happiness in every day..

Now the tears, pour like rain from your pretty eyes..

And I could easily start to tell you a million lies..

You’re looking at me like with that hopeful stare..

Telling me that I’m selfish and that I don’t care..

I hear the stories, I listen to how it all went wrong..

I know you wanted to be happy, confident and strong..

But you’re hiding behind walls you want me to break..

Pointing out my every flaw, my every mistake..

Yeah you’re broken into a million little pieces..

Yeah you’re scared of being all alone and weak..

So you call me a monster because I can’t make you feel whole again..

You shut me up every time I try to speak..

Yeah I know that you’ve felt deep betrayal..

Yeah I know that you need reassurance all the time..

So you call me a monster because I can’t take away the pain that you’re feeling..

I’m not your saviour.. I’m trying to be mine.

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does a torrent sound like drip-drip-drop

or is the constant padering on a roof the knocks to come inside

or is it just the sky telling you to stop

to lay, to stay and linger, languidly waiting for the tide

#amateur poetry #original poem #rain #rainyday #im a bit stressed #but outside its raining #so if it calms me and washes away the dread #or if it drowns me and pulls me under instead #its fine either way

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taunting winding turning gurgling winding around my troat

forward and around like an abandoned hospital's corridors

static lightning piling on top

and im burried alive but breathing

gasping and bleeding

#amateur poetry #original poem