flamesandatattoogun

[flamesandatattoogun]

crowded yet alone

Looking back at my loved ones lost lives

chasing money to accentuate the experience of life

at the expense of my stolen goodbyes

of could haves; would haves; the “one day we will”s;

and here I am constantly surrounded

by their memory still

#alone with my thoughts #Rip #Regret #heartbreak

[flamesandatattoogun]

u can’t help who ur related to but…

If people hate u when ur doing good

they always hated u.

I stg when I come out of a depression, I’m all glitter and rainbows. I also will never forget when fake mfrs had asked me “hru?” But I could tell they just wanted to hear how deep in the hurt I was. They would even look disappointed when i would lie and tell em I’m great.

I am fucking great. Even when I feel like not being here anymore, I’ll always be better than them.

bc at the end of the day, I could NEVER enjoy seeing someone suffer. Not even the person that feigns interest in my well being when I’m at my worst. And in its own way

it’s a sick motivator to get better. bc when I feel better and come out of the other end of the tunnel, I’m gonna be on mfrs necks. im going to walk into every room with a light about me.

I’m going to be kind.

I’m going to be authentic.

I’m always making everyone laugh.

and I’m gonna turn my light right towards ppl that were so fake and hurtful during my worst of times.

bc I used to:

make myself little

be quiet

not brag about my achievements

let certain ppl say any fucking thing to me

make all kinds of excuses for the shitty ppl around me

but I realized at some point-ppl who hate me are never going love me.

I realized-I don’t want their ugly ass love

and if they’re gonna hate me,

I’m going to both

never give them a reason

while giving them every reason

to hate sharing a room with me just by being my fucking self.

take joy in who u are.

do it unapologetically.

and revel in the hate u never earned

take it as a sign of greatness.

be great even when ur not

#mentally exhausted #the tortured poets department #families #tw depressing thoughts #sorry for being depressing #actually mentally ill #alone with my thoughts

[flamesandatattoogun]

Forever alone with the past

So often when people share their stories, I am envious.

There is so little I can share about myself, as one divulgence in detail leads to the first of many questions.

There are so many things I keep secret.

bc as soon as a person unveils the truths about my past,

I am judged

or I am pittied.

I don’t want either. I’m not a bad person, and I’m not in need of sympathy. I just want to be ignored like everyone else. Invisible.

yet.

I want to be seen once for and with meaning and understanding.

just once would be plenty

#humanization #abuse survivor #struggle #alone with my thoughts

[flamesandatattoogun]

new here

When I was a kid, I found an old computer at a garage sale.

no mouse, a binary input system, green characters against a dark screen. This was made before word was available and affordable.

in it, I found a journal. I read it. The person was struggling with simply being alive, and then suddenly, in the midst of their depression and life and figuring it out, the entries just ended. This has affected me since. I’ve always created different versions of what their life could have became, wondered if I pass them in a large crowd, or at a cemetery. There was no name, not a lot of identifying information other than what they went through. Just their experiences, pain, and thoughts. All the things that make us the same.

I have thought for some time to open a blog, a place to write things that are hard to say to people I see and interact with everyday.

I say so little,

I smile,

I’m helpful at work and home,

I’m dutiful in my family,

I’m polite.

But my inner thought life is so full. I love my family, but they don’t find the same things interesting that I do. I have never done very well at picking good friends, and eventually gave up.

Honestly,

I’m pretty happy alone. sharing myself, my thoughts, and feelings with others is never as rewarding as I’d like it to be,

and neither has keeping it to myself.

so I’m trying it here, hoping this will be worthwhile and a place to share.

Feel free to join me

#writers on tumblr #journal #sorry for being depressing #tw depressing thoughts #online anonymity