forgethowtospeak

[forgethowtospeak]

he's sleeping now.

i can't touch him, but he's at peace.

he's sleeping now.

#i love you max #I'll miss you forever #in my minds eye you're still curled up on the armchair #I love you I love you I love you

[forgethowtospeak]

something just happened

i really should be sad

but i was there and i helped instead

and now that i'm alone

all i feel is like

i am stuck in limbo

just waiting for something

to change

for something

to snap

for something

to be heal

for something

to break

#vent #i don't know #i feel like i should be crying but nothing is really happening #my throat is a little tight #but that's it #when does this end?

[forgethowtospeak]

i am so tired of trying to be healthy while you are sick

while you try and i try and we both fail

i am so angry I want to throw things and blood boils out of my head

when will this be over and done

when will this be over

when

when

when

when

when

when

[forgethowtospeak]

dear doctors,

why can't you ever say you're wrong?

why do you always try to pretend you know what's going on and ignore what she says?

why do delay and delay and delay

tell her she feels pain because she's "anxious" and not because she has fucking flesh growing in the wrong places

why is it that you put in her files that she's a "drugseeker" without her ever asking for drugs?

why do you tell her that visiting the doctor frequently is drug seeking behaviour when the reason she visits frequently is because her illness is not being treated?

if she really did have problems with addiction, why haven't you tried to remedy that? is addiction not an illness?

why do you send her to physiotherapists who treat sports injuries and not disease?

why don't you know how your system works? why do you send her to people that you say can do this or that to help her, but when called they explain that those things are completely out of their power to command?

why why why why?

all the scars left behind by your ignorance are growing and growing and growing

who will fix those?

#doctors #i hate so many doctors #the few that are good are powerless to help #i am so angry

[forgethowtospeak]

sometimes i wish that i was sick so that people would take care of me for once.

#taking care of sick family members is fucking rough #I'm so tired.

[forgethowtospeak]

i'm hungry and hungrier when will it end

i worry about you and i just can't pretend

i wish you could talk to me and i wish i could hear

to stop all your pain and all of your fear

i'm hungry and hungrier when will it end

i just want to eat and i just can't pretend

[forgethowtospeak]

you hold in your silence all the fucking reasons i hate you.

#i hate my dad #and it sucks that so many others feel the same way i do #why are dads so universally horrible #I fucking hate the silent treatment #Fucking power play

[forgethowtospeak]

i'm so tired of being anxious...

#family stuff

[forgethowtospeak]

control is the game, isn't it?

when you feel out of control, you control me more

it's why you make up rules that i have broken without knowing, why

you tell me i am wrong and you are right for reasons i don't understand, why

when you are scared, you make me scared too

#poetry #prose #rant #control

[forgethowtospeak]

i feel like my father is a rich child and i am his caretaker, i must endure his tantrums whatever the reason and cannot fight back.

only difference is i'm not paid.

#rant #family issues

[forgethowtospeak]

i'm running on fumes

each day took a little out of me and each day took even more

i don't know where the end is and even if it'll come

when i think it's done it starts all over again

when am i allowed to rest?

[forgethowtospeak]

i forgot when last i saw those friends until i dreamt of them and missed them

sometimes i feel like i was never important to them and i feel so lonely

#prose #rant

[forgethowtospeak]

i want to grow thorns.

[forgethowtospeak]

when did i cross the line from nice to pushover

when did i stop doing things as a favour and start doing them to avoid arguments

when did this become my job

#prose #rant

[forgethowtospeak]

i acted like a child today, not innocently, but maliciously, but for good reason, but maybe not good enough, and i don't know if it was the right decision and it's a small thing but it's a big thing and I don't know how to feel about it or even how i would react if i were to do it over again

i think i worry too much about how i appear to others but also not enough and so i do these foolish things, but are these things good things just hard, but i don't know how much i should trust myself and how much i should reign myself in, so i am

at

a

loss

#poetry #poem #vent

[forgethowtospeak]

gurgling steam rising up the flesh of my throat

dark waves pushing up below my cheekbones

so fuckin angry that the spines are peeling out my eyes

red boiling static under my skin

[forgethowtospeak]

so fuckin angry that the spines are peeling out my eyes

red boiling static under my skin

#poetry #prose #ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh