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gay-goth-geek · 1 month

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The Nightmare - my greatest night terror as a child, always remembered in panic inducing horror and trying to push it from my mind - doesn’t scare me anymore.

I don’t even remember it that clearly, just the main points - child me (my hair still stubble short) in a small enclosure like an animal pen, a knife cutting along the middle of my head, then the doors open, my parents there but they never notice anything is wrong, and then they leave me behind.

#diary

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gay-goth-geek · 11 months

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I still don't know her name for sure

But I know her mischievous smile

I know I'll never meet her again

But at least we laughed together a while

I'll remember her eyebrow piercing

Shoulder length hair always open

Her leather coat

I'll remember crossing paths with her

for the first time on campus, already smitten by her

Wishing I could ask her out right then and there

Fantasizing

Taking her back to my room

Didn't feel it nor I was worth her

And after a smile she walked by and I didn't think

I'd ever see her again

Wishing, daydreaming, of meeting her at the ball

That in the end

Only a handful of people I already knew attended

And then

When I'm about to leave this town

When I think I've lost my chance for sure

I see her here, at the party, and she's a friend of a friend

After all

It's days before I leave and I know if there's a chance

Of anything

There's only tonight

My eyes find hers from the stage

I think she's interested

But she doesn't know I'll leave soon

I meet her once more in the crowd

We get drinks together at the bar

I lose track of her again

Later learn she's already left

And now I'll go home too.

I still don't know her name for sure

But I know her mischievous smile

As she joked with me while buying a beer

Perhaps thinking we'd meet again soon.

#lynn (?)#love life #a friend of Sophie

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gay-goth-geek · 1 year

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gay-goth-geek · 1 year

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I always feel so bad after oversharing like pls delete that from your memory and pretend it never happened

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gay-goth-geek · 1 year

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I don't even know what I want

Whether I want any relationship at all

The sex was more than nice

The talking sometimes nice sometimes honestly just awkward

And having someone around basically all the time? Standing appointment to meet them a couple times, at least once a week or something?? Idk man

I like lying in bed in my free time

I don't have the energy for much else

I mean maybe it'd do me good to have someone drag me out? Sometimes?

& other times we could stay in & cuddle

But do I want that even?

I like being alone

I do get lonely sometimes but that's mostly when I've got no one chatting with me online and I've got no friends in the area I'm in at that moment that I could visit if I felt like it

If I have either of that I'm fine loneliness wise I think

And I really just like having my own space

Of course having a thing with someone even if it's a proper relationship doesn't mean moving in together

But like... Oh, idk

I just don't even know what I want

So I go along with whatever the person interested in me wants as long as I'm not entirely un-interested in them

Not sure that's gonna do me any good either

#diary #love life

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gay-goth-geek · 1 year

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gay-goth-geek · 1 year

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The person I've been seeing...

And like, honestly, I'm not sure whether you can say we've been seeing each other. We've been having hookups. But we also talked, we didn't just go right at it, we could sit for hours just chatting both before and after sex ...

And the sex itself was great I've never had so good and so kinky sex before

But anyway so I'm not in the country at the moment but we've been chatting online and sexting and sending pics and talking about calling next week if/when we both have time at the same time and stuff, and when I left gave me a shirt 'as a reminder, got my perfume and all', and just... We've been in touch??

And like... It's not been me who changed the fucking chat theme to a heart and who's been throwing words like 'my love' around and 'if you don't have a girlfriend when you're back I'm getting you from the airport' and talking about the future asking what I think about places to move to as if we'd still be whatever we are now years from now okay

Anyway

So today in the story a post 'missing my girl... Don't know which one' & 'couldn't have asked for a better night and morning' and like. We've not talked about what we are meaning we are definitely not exclusive and honestly I'm happy with that, because actually I've kissed a girl since then in a club and I definitely not feel like feeling guilty over that or like being in a monogamous relationship at all anyway so that part would be okay with me. Actually a bit of a relief, what with all the clingy behavior before. Honestly, the only reason that kind of upset me is knowing that updates about lots of encounters end up in that story meaning idk whether anything is about me or not? Like, one a few days back said 'some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about' and after our kinky sex I Thought that was about me but now I'm like. Well. I don't fucking know. It was from the day /after or so, so maybe by then it was someone else. Lol. Also makes me think that maybe the pics and vid I got are basically for mass texting all the girls or something, when I've only been sending to one person.

Then

The chat theme removed? Like, the heart themed one? So is our chat not heart theme worthy anymore? You're The One Who Put It There In The First Place pls what is going on

And now I'm being ignored

I wrote a bit of an awkward 'what have you been up to today' after bc I didn feel like mentioning the changed theme?? Like... Idk

Guess I'll see whether I'll have any messages at some point or whether I've just been ghosted huh

Maybe it's nothing and I'm just being dramatic

But I do feel kinda hurt right now

Does it take less than a week to replace me?

#diary #love life

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gay-goth-geek · 1 year

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One of the many stupid feelings humans are capable of having is the private, repulsive rage of seeing someone getting support and sympathy for a problem no one helped you with when you were having it, either because you didn’t have anyone or because it never occurred to you that you could ask for help. Suddenly the world seems to split into two – the realm that contains people like them, the connected and loved – and the realm that contains you, the miserable and the alone, who must suffer in solitude. This is sufficiently horrible that you grasp for reasons or world-understandings to make this reality acceptable, and a mentally available one is that it is superior to be in the miserable solitude realm, that the problem is one that should be solved with self sufficiency and dignity. That this other person is pathetic for being aided and loved when you were not. Scorn is more palatable than confronting the notion that you could have received aid (if you had made different choices or been luckier), that you desperately wish you could have been aided but were not. Scorn is more palatable than the howling hunger for things to have been different for you. So your mind chooses scorn.

It is also a bad place to be. Human existence is full of such traps.

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gay-goth-geek · 2 years

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My heart feels too loud.

For two days my heartbeat was too fast.

92. 86. 98.

Anxiety attack, panic attack or both, in retrospect.

While it happened, I didn't realize, I just panicked about what was wrong, panicked even more rather, making it worse.

Googled my symptoms.

Heart attack. Diabetes. Carbon monoxide poisoning?

It didn't go away when I left the room.

I had lab tests done just a while ago where nothing was wrong.

I didn't feel like I was dying.

(at least, I didn't want to believe that)

(at least, not all of the heart attack symptoms ligned up)

(when my heart skipped a beat, then beat twice as fast six times, and it happened again and again, I was still scared)

For two days it kept beating too quickly. No longer terrifyingly quickly, not like that night when I counted six jumps in my heart and google said poison and when my heart beat steadily again my pulse was 92 when I checked it at the open window in the other room -

But still fast.

Over 80 when sitting at my desk, not having moved much in over an hour, not working on anything too exhausting mentally, either.

And I kept noticing it.

You don't normally think about your heartbeat, when everything's right

When nothing is wrong.

It's just there. Beating. Background noise, or less.

But when you're afraid -

When you have tabs open for cardiologists near you and you're trying to remember the name of phone number of the last doctor you've seen for something else but where blood tests have been done and you want to ask whether they would have noticed something like that

When you are wondering whether you should let someone know, like, to call an ambulance if you don't reply in a set amount of time (but what time? You want to sleep, so hours, but hours would be too long to save you, would be hours late if you really had a heart attack)

When you are worrying that if it's carbon monoxide after all (the heating is certainly old enough), should you wake and warn your roommate? It's probably nothing. It's ridiculous to even think to ask. They'd laugh in your face. But only the window by your bed is open, and if they die in your sleep and it's your fault -

When you are constantly checking your heartbeat, waiting for it to change, hoping for it to go back to normal, suddenly you're used to listen to it. All the time.

It beats in my chest and thrums in my ears and under my fingertips touching my wrists, even in my palms as I hold my phone

And I can't stop listening even as it goes back to normal.

62.

67.

61.

Anxiety attack, kept going by my panicking about what was wrong, now it's finally over, but I'm still listening to my heart.

It's like it's there in ways it's never been before.

I have trouble falling asleep, try to put on music as background noise to tune it out, but the beating is coming from within me and simple noise won't stop me from noticing it.

My heart feels too loud.

#diary #lifelife #mental #i know under 100 is still normalish #but i Know my normal pulse because of sports so i freaked out from the change

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gay-goth-geek · 2 years

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NO girl dont ruin your early 20s by staying home every saturday and lamenting the death of your childhood while also being afraid to even act like a 20 something year old bc you still feel so young yet so old and lost all at once haha you’re so sexy!

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gay-goth-geek · 2 years

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