gianh

[gianh]

i need the text-me-when-you-get-home kind of person, and you are not that. at the same time, however, i'm too stubborn or perhaps emotionally stuck on you to free myself out of this suffering pool of love or is it just a dillusion?

#diary #thoughts #love and loss

[gianh]

Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[gianh]

musings on motherhood

Kyung-Sook Shin (“Please Look After Mom”), Nguyen Thanh Binh, Ocean Vuong (“Headfirst”), Ritika Jyala (excerpt from “The Flesh I Burned”), Gustav Klimt “Mother and Child” (detail from The Three Ages of Woman), Sue Zhao (“My mother texts me instructions to cook silken tofu”)

buy me a coffee

[gianh]

traitor! everything is just a performance to you I reckon.

[gianh]

“All her life, dreams had been her friends. Her dreams were unusually detailed, well-structured, and colorful.”

— Carl Sagan, Contact

[gianh]

thoughts in need to be poured out

I must admit as children in a family, I tend to disagree with my parents on lots of things. I was born and raised a Catholic, but unlike them I'm no longer a believer. I would guess somewhere deep in the corner of their mind, they must know I don't believe in God anymore. But either unconsciously or deliberately, they don't dare to believe that such horrible nonsense is true because then, it would be the end of the world for all of us that I could never get to heaven. Yeah that would be a real big disappointment for them I must say. And because of all that, I'm usually easily convinced that I'm not actually loved for who I really am.. or at all.

Writing this out now, I suddenly ask myself: What if the way I think about my parents is just the same way they think about me ? That I'm expecting them to not be such disappointing parents by accepting the person I am in the same way they're wishing me to be the good daughter that fits their narrative. We are all selfish human beings that are just trying to love one another with the kind of hearts we have.

On my way out to work today, mother wanted to know when I would be home. My shift ends at 12 p.m so I said I would be home then. Then she said to me, with this hint of childlike you-know-what-i-mean look I could see very well under that mask on her face: "Về ăn cơm nhé! Nay nấu canh bò hầm dưa đấy." (Be back for lunch! We have mustard green soup with beef today). It's my favourite Vietnamese dish.

I've come to realise that you can be such a disappointment to a person and at the same time, loved by them, maybe not every moment of every day but for sure perpetually.

No I don't think we can live up to each other's expectations from the other persons, ever. But at the end of the day, I know I am loved and I know I love them and that's enough.

#050124 #diary #thoughts

[gianh]

i feel like i'll end up killing myself someday, eventually.

01/01/24

#diary #010124

[gianh]

“I’m learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.”

[gianh]

the thin line between "i want to change" & "i am terrified of change"

[gianh]

summer 2023

#myself

[gianh]

my summer of 2023

#summer #countryside #photo dump #traveling #vietnam

[gianh]

“I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.”

-Edgar Allen poe

[gianh]

“I want in fact more of you. In my mind I am dressing you with light; I am wrapping you up in blankets of complete acceptance and then I give myself to you. I long for you; I who usually long without longing, as though I am unconscious and absorbed in neutrality and apathy, really, utterly long for every bit of you. ”

-Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena.

[gianh]

the same goes for movies

some songs aren't just songs, they're feelings, they're a memory, they're vibes of a certain period of time in your life that you can't put into words

[gianh]

okay

not to be the bearer of good news but.. it’s all going to be okay

[gianh]

In another life, I would still love you

Stand Still by Zayn Malik / Unearthly Connection by Antoine Paikert / On Loving by Forough Farrokhzad / Walking Home by Marie Howe / Winnie-the-Pooh by A. A. Milne / An Oresteia by Anne Carson / The Chaos of Stars by Kiersten White

[gianh]

— José Olivarez, from "Getting Ready to Say I Love You to My Dad, It Rains," Citizen Illegal