gigismilez

[gigismilez]

The Brave Request

Tonight, of all nights, I cannot sleep with you beside me. I feel your restless desire for that which could never be yours. Friend. You are a jewel that shines in the rough. A comfort on days when my feet long to be engulfed in the heat of a relaxing soak. A new fascination when boredom stifles my breath. Losing you is unfathomable....but I cannot do what you ask. I can't give myself over to a passion that's fully yours. I can't be the one to introduce you to a woman's moans or the warm softness of her flesh...I pray you find your lover's match but until then, your brave request remains denied. Your virgin's flesh, still untouched.

[gigismilez]

Our Story: The Question

He told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend, rambling on as if his anxiety was forcing the words out. Unsure as to what I would say or how I'd react. I had forgotten what someone who wanted to stay would look like. But it took him a day to figure I was enough for him. He was to be the first risk I'd take. Stepping out on faith, I breathed through the fear and before I could figure it all out he had to leave. I clung to him like I finally remembered what softness and vulnerability felt like. I couldn't let him leave without the promise falling from my lips. Yes. Yes, I'll be your girlfriend. And for the past two weeks those words have remained foreign to my tongue. I probably think about our ending more than is healthy but maybe it's because anything precious is worth an increased heartbeat. I knew I wanted him when I was afraid to lose him.

#for him #him #our story #romance #love

[gigismilez]

Our Story: The First Date

For the first time in 7 years I have a boyfriend. I forgot what that even means, assuming I even knew in the first place. I don’t even know how to explain the feeling or what happened. All I know is I was attracted to the idea of plurality.An US rather than a ME and a HIM. I flirted with it but never really demanded it. I just thought it wouldn’t happen for me. I guess the long string of fucked up noncommittal assholes I dealt with had something to do with that but I’m still in shock at how easy it was. I’m still wondering if I was just waiting to let my guard down for the first person who says he’ll stay. Sounds a bit messed up right? 

So I met this guy the usual honest way....tinder. And we had the necessary face to screen interaction time and I really liked that he wanted to see me in person and not just waste time texting for months and asking for nudes. He seemed...nice. 

First impression...what is he wearing? Am I attracted? Did his face look like that in the photo? So I’m sizing him up and trying to carry on a conversation, doing the usual coy “I’m the perfect lady, you take the lead” thing to see if he’s worth following, and I start noticing little things. He was really trying to let me choose what we do and stuff but in some ways he came across as a dominant control freak kinda person. I sat there thinking can we even mesh with each other?

He’s on his fucking phone. Half the time. The other half we’re conversing.He went so far as to listen to voice notes from his friends and I’m sitting there with my insecurities stifling me. Each time he laughs I wonder if I was the punch line of his joke but I calm myself down and I message my friends too. 

Worse date ever. Help me.

I jokingly tease him about being a rude douche by forgoing my company for his memes and texts but there’s something in the air that tells him I’m serious. We go back and forth about it. 

I walk back across the mall with him, the space between us thick, the air still. I pace casually before stepping in a few stores to hide my discomfort as I wait for him to come from the restroom. I retrace my steps to see no trace of him. Did he leave? Did he try to find me but was unable to? 

I continue to the movie theater, disappointed that he left, anxious that he didn’t, when I hear him call out to me from the direction I left him in and I feel better that at least he didn’t add to my scars by ending the day before informing me. 

The movie is crap. The theater is cold. He lends me his jacket. I hold within me the fear every big girl knows. It may not fit. I swallow the panic and sigh in relief as my arms slide right in. It’s so warm. It fits just right.

He puts his arm around my shoulder and I lean into his kiss. It’s dangerously pleasant. We spend the rest of the movie cast in our own off screen play as two horny teenagers with not a care. I’m pretty sure the people behind us knew what was going on.

I let the day end right there despite his request for continuation. I message my friends.

It wasn’t so bad after all. He redeemed himself.

So it began.

No amazing first date but it was enough to leave me open to a second. 

#first date #prose #series #our story #relationship #him

[gigismilez]

I laugh for real with you

Talk about anything 

Dig into your reserved exterior

To what end Gerry?

what right do I have to find who you are when I cannot have him?

I guess that’s why you keep those pieces buried deep

You remind me you’re not mine.

[gigismilez]

Reaching

I think I have a pervasive fear of being unwelcomed or unwanted.

I begin to reach out thinking its normal to talk to people when you want to, then change my mind as my optimism is crushed by the weight of uncertainty.

Constantly analyzing whether the pieces of me are too much, if i’m best served in small doses, if I shine brighter when I’m silent, if at all.

Conversing is hard. 

I feel like I am the only one who asked for this, the only one who wants to be accepted or sought after. Longed for. 

Sometimes my only wish is to be alone. I hate being alone. 

Turns out the magnitude of my fear of being a nuisance is astronomical when compared to my fear of never being seen.

My body, an open exhibit which has been enjoyed. My mind, an untapped resource of little interest to those around me. 

I guess this is what life has become. 

I talk myself out of everything I want in consideration of the people I care about.

I’m pretty sure they like me most when I’m quiet.

[gigismilez]

The tug of war between incongruent cognitions begins. I always thought I needed someone filling, I always found that I'm most at home alone.

me: i wish someone would talk to me 

someone: hey 

me: How Can I Remove Myself from This Situation

[gigismilez]

I just don't want to love anymore. Loving has never been easy for me Like wrapping my insecurities around thorns in rose bushes so they won't prick the fingers of men too hard to ever love me. They always think it's pretty but they never receive it with an open mind. I just don't want to bruise like this anymore just how much bullshit can i take before i realise love does not smell sweet Love is not a cure but a disease Love strangles the heart and force feeds us delusions of grandeur like one day he will kiss me and know that he loves me too Love is a joke A force not to be reckoned with A dangerous enemy promising allies but producing none I just don't want to love anymore.

[gigismilez]

It's funny how you slipped away as well or maybe I did. Maybe I wasn't there cause you never asked me to be And maybe when you see exciting things you no longer want to talk to me That's ok she said That's ok. But what's not ok is this feeling in my chest when I think how people fall apart over nothing Nothing has been our recent downfall. What's also not ok is I'm hesitant to reach out to you because you never reach back anymore. The truth it when it comes to love friendship burns more than men do And i find myself asking where the fuck are you? Should it be ok that my best friend never thinks of me? My heart hurts every day I don't get a call or a text At best i manage to avoid questions of how you are or the shock that i no longer know the answer I wonder if you have already let go? Should this be ok?

[gigismilez]

That’s how you can tell that you’re filling yourself with the wrong things. You use a lot of energy, and in the end, you feel emptier and less comfortable than ever.

Glennon Doyle Melton (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[gigismilez]

Fate has a cruel way of saying no. She'll paint the walls in your blood to prove she was right about him. She always is.

[gigismilez]

What did i do to you? I'm curious. Is there even an answer or am i simply inconvenient?

[gigismilez]

I keep asking myself what did I do or say. I keep going over it in my mind. I keep wondering what about me you hate. Maybe I will get those answers in another two years if ever. Maybe by then it won't matter.

[gigismilez]

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company they say. Misery loves company like in the worst way Like when I’m sleepless or sad I pull my phone Go through the entire list of who I know. Who is awake and not empty Who of those few won’t judge me for what I have become Who of those I haven’t bothered with my incessant chattering Who of those is welcoming enough to somehow text me first And then When they have dwindled into nothing I seek strangers who just might want a piece of me. You see I don’t seek restless or sad souls And my feelings are nontransferable I don’t want you to ache with me. Misery seeks company because it hurts so much more when you’re dying on the floor and no one is there to hear your last words. Misery seeks company because being alone has never once made it easy and Silencing the pain doesn’t make it all go away so who do you turn to when you’re all that’s left to pick up the pieces? The answer Anyone who will listen and reply Anyone you haven’t run through already with the double edged sword of your tongue Anyone who doesn’t yet know how ugly it is on the other side of this smile How bereft this girl has become Anyone who won’t judge or pity Or who will sign up for all these problems even after given inventory of every last one 1. In the last days I loved him I knew we would end on a cliffhanger. I still chose to write that particular story, I still ended up anxious and breathless waiting for a continuation that didn’t seem to come easy 2. I filled my time writing new poems and reading new stories off the lips of lesser men who had few of his qualities but few was good enough to remember what part of him felt like. I watched the pages turn into a body count until i termed myself a fuckgirl because i became the emotionally stagnated autobot who wasted people’s time as my moving parts became the depth of me and all i had to offer was my body and all I have are these pages. Two years of bad men written in ink and piled up in a corner 3. I thought if I continued the story of him then maybe just maybe I’d have an ending but I just don’t see it. I searched for a quick epilogue, one that would leave me smiling but all that unfurled was more questions than answers. I’d forgotten that writing us into these lines hurt like he is no phantom but a solid man. I’ve grown fond of calling him a man. I know we will end in a cliffhanger. 3. My best friends and I share a common trait. We are all depressed. We are all counting on our organs and limbs to pull us through. We do not rely on each other. Our burdens are too heavy to be added. We shy away from conversations between us because our misery demands to be carried in different ways. We do not know how to fix it. Sometimes we spend our time together in silence as if to say you don’t need to tell me how hard it is. I have seen it myself. I feel you. I just can’t hold you with arms so full of me 4. It’s amazing that the ones i am most honest with are the ones i isolate first. They are not here anymore. Who will fix me? By fix i mean offer up a smile or two or maybe the illusion that they too think of me. Judging by their silence… they do not think of me. 5. My father teaches me things no girl should ever have to learn. Like a man will only love you his way. He will only give you the parts of him he has left over after he has satisfied himself. He will refuse you the scraps you ask for and argue that you ask too much of him. He will give nothing unless to pacify you. When you give up on him he will pacify you with something cheap. Tell you that his love buys you things when he has already bought himself everything. He will pick up his problems and list them as if to say you’re not the only one who has problems. As if to say don’t ask that i love you or be there for you because i can’t. But i will tell people I do anyway. 6. These days I don’t know what I can make of what’s left of me. I don’t dream too much and settle with a plea for happiness. Whatever that is. I am content with finding that and only that. What can I make of this girl who is unplanned and unwanted? 7. I no longer want to be me. I no longer see what I used to see in the mirror and these days my vision is clearer and I see every scar these poems and stories have left on me. I bleed them in the worst way. There’s nothing left to make me want to stay. I live with a bitter companion. She lashes out at the wind and curses anyone who dares say shit to her but I love you anyway. But damn. She is misery. Misery is me and tonight while seeking companions i picked up the pen instead hoping that at the end of this poem I’ll see something beautiful in me. Something has to be beautiful to write poetry…right?

[gigismilez]

When you message me it's the most comfortable part of my day. I finally relax. When you don't, I'm ok. I don't need you.

[gigismilez]

And in the end who knew we would sit and talk about you as if you weren't in the room? Who knew you'd see the parts of me that loved you and never recognise them? I guess all i ever wanted was to say those words to you. Thank God for emotions disguised as poetic words. If not for them I'd never be able to say it to your face. Thank you.

[gigismilez]

The day after my big chop. Faced with many questions as to why I cut my straightened ends off I finally have a couple answers. 1. Why hold on to something old until you step into something new? If it’s not what you want, don’t keep it around. Nurture the new growth and keep pushing to success without the weight of that which makes you unhappy. 2. There can be no real commitment without letting go of the past. I can’t go natural months or years down the line and face regrets because I never learnt to love me as me. I’ve never seen myself like this before. It’s growing on me and I’m pretty sure as I get to know my hair, as I embark on my different journeys, at the point where I know I have fulfilled my goals and seek new ones, I’ll learn to love myself beyond physicality, I’ll learn that I’m unapologetically me, no matter what I look like. I couldn’t ask for more than that honestly.

[gigismilez]

I miss you. The words bounce around my head. They sound like hollow. They sound like a ball hitting the walls of an empty room. I play them on repeat by myself because if you were to join in, disappointment is all that awaits.