halfagonyandhope

[halfagonyandhope]

That special really said, “you’re allowed to let yourself heal. You won’t be diminishing your trauma or becoming less of yourself without it killing you. You can be more yourself than you’ve ever been, while still loving and honoring the version of you who survived all of those things. You can give that person the softness and the kindness and the peace they deserve, you can be gentle with them, and you can both be better for it.”

[halfagonyandhope]

why be normal about things when you can be abnormal about them

[halfagonyandhope]

As inspired by my cane post/anon

Y'all. Genuinely from the bottom of my heart. You do not need permission from A Real Disabled in order to get a disability aid. If you think you would benefit from the use of such a thing, then get one.

If you're really afraid of "taking resources" from "someone who needs it more" then get two and donate the second one to a charity specifically for whatever disability you think you're stealing from.

Truly. If more people used aids they thought would help them, more aids would be mass-produced and available on the market, and it would be more normalized to see people using things to help them to do stuff. We evolved to be tool users to make things easier on ourselves. So use the tools that are available if you think your life would be made easier with its use.

[halfagonyandhope]

AHSOKA 1.06: Far, Far Away dir. Jennifer Getzinger

#Ahsoka spoilers #Star Wars spoilers

[halfagonyandhope]

Sabine and her new friend | AHSOKA 1x06 'Far, Far Away'.

#ahsoka spoilers

[halfagonyandhope]

EZRA BRIDGER & SABINE WREN AHSOKA S1E6 | "Far, Far Away"

#ezra bridger #sabine wren #ahsoka spoilers #star wars spoilers

[halfagonyandhope]

editing to add: upon a second viewing, Anakin twice gives her the choice to "live" or "die." i don't believe that his options were ever "fight or die." it's Ashoka who seems to conflate "living" with "fighting," assuming she must fight to not die. she asks him what will happen if she doesn't fight, and he says she will die. perhaps the lesson is she must fight to live. Ahsoka has been fighting, but it's been fighting to not die rather than fighting to live (very classic PTSD response).

dave filoni, you know what you're doing. kudos.

thinking more about anakin repeatedly telling ahsoka that she had to fight (and kill) or die and that those were her only two options. it’s also such a good summary of anakin as a character who probably felt that he could either be a jedi and fight or be a slave and die. he probably felt like those were his only options his whole life.

only sith deal in absolutes? it makes so much sense why that line of thinking would lead him to the dark side

#Ahsoka spoilers #Anakin Skywalker #Ahsoka Tano #Star Wars spoilers

[halfagonyandhope]

#Somewhere out there, Obi-Wan gets a force headache.

#anakin skywalker #ahsoka #Ahsoka spoilers #Star Wars spoilers

[halfagonyandhope]

THIS. and then her saying “i choose to LIVE” was rejecting those absolutes. this was the lesson he was trying to teach her.

thinking more about anakin repeatedly telling ahsoka that she had to fight (and kill) or die and that those were her only two options. it’s also such a good summary of anakin as a character who probably felt that he could either be a jedi and fight or be a slave and die. he probably felt like those were his only options his whole life.

only sith deal in absolutes? it makes so much sense why that line of thinking would lead him to the dark side

#Ahsoka Tano #Anakin Skywalker #Ahsoka spoilers #Star Wars spoilers #Ahsoka

[halfagonyandhope]

"the jedi don't have therapists-"

jedi philosophy, and in particular the practices and teachings that jedi were expected to implement in their everyday lives, was therapy. dialectical behavior therapy (dbt), to be exact. anyone who's familiar with dbt knows where i'm already going with this, but like genuinely look up the basic tenets of dbt and it's identical with what the jedi were doing.

dbt, to put it simply, is a specific therapy technique that was designed for ptsd and past trauma. it's pretty different from traditional talk therapy. it combines a few different environments (individual, group, etc.), recognizing that no single format of treatment can stand alone.

the key focuses of dbt include:

emotional regulation- understanding, being more aware of, and having more control over your emotions

mindfulness- regulating attention and avoiding anxious fixation on the past or future

interpersonal effectiveness- navigating interpersonal situations

distress tolerance- tolerating distress and crises without spiraling and catastrophizing

i'm sure it's already clear from that list alone how much the jedi teachings correspond with the goals of dbt. the jedi value, teach, and practice the following:

identifying and understanding emotions

mindfulness and living in the present

compassion, diplomacy, and conflict resolution (on interpersonal scales, not just planetary or galactic)

accepting and tolerating certain levels of distress or discomfort (particularly mental, such as discomfort at the thought of losing a loved one to death)

idk man seems almost as if jedi mental health practices and dbt are two sides of a completely identical coin. (fun fact: both star wars and dbt are products of the 70s.)

and guess what? dbt was specifically designed as a treatment for borderline personality disorder. remember that one? or, if you don't, maybe you remember a specific character, the one who was literally used as an example by my professor in my undergrad psych class when she was teaching us about bpd?

tldr: simply existing within the jedi community, practicing jedi teachings, surrounded by a support network of other jedi of all life stages, was the therapy for anakin. even when viewed through a modern lens. it was even, more specifically, the precise type of therapy that has developed in modern times to treat the exact types of mental issues he was struggling with.

[halfagonyandhope]

hot take but what if it’s both Anakin and Vader? the music cues signal first Anakin then Vader. his right hand is covered, suggesting it’s still robotic, but the scar over his eye is gone. and he wore those robes when he was both Anakin and then Vader back in rots. some subtle differences between how he’s portrayed here and at the end of rotj...

#SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP #THE WORLD BETWEEN WORLDS LOOKS SO GORGEOUS IN LIVE ACTION #AND THEN!!!!! #SHE INSTANTLY KNEW HIS VOICE #HE WAS THERE TO SEE HER THE INSTANT SHE WAS IN A PLACE TO HEAR HIM #SHE STILL CALLS HIM MASTER #THE WAY HE SMILED AT HER #THE FAINT TREMBLE IN HER VOICE AS SHE KNEW #I AM NOT GOING TO SURVIVE THE NEXT EPISODE!!!!

#Ahsoka spoilers #Anakin Skywalker #Ahsoka Tano #Ahsoka #Star Wars spoilers

[halfagonyandhope]

HE DOESN’T HAVE THE SCARS

#Ahsoka spoilers #spoilers #Anakin Skywalker #Ahsoka Tano #Star Wars spoilers #Ahsoka

[halfagonyandhope]

every day i am percieved™️

[halfagonyandhope]

Morality separates heroes from villains

05x16: The Lawless

[halfagonyandhope]

Andrew Garfield on The Stephen Colbert Show discussing his problem with certainty of faith. [x]

[halfagonyandhope]

when the skies catch fire │ch. 29

first chapter (x); previous chapter (x)

The days bleed together, forming weeks and then months. 

Ahsoka stores away her green saber and yellow shoto. “They reminded me too much of Anakin,” she explains to Satine one day between intelligence briefings. A day later, Satine finds her meditating, two red kyber crystals floating before her. Satine watches, awed, as the red drains from the crystals. They’re now a bright white. Soléa, who is cradled snugly against Satine’s chest by a lavender scarf, looks on, going suddenly quiet.

Ahsoka opens her eyes.

“They were Maul’s crystals,” she says, answering the unvoiced question.

Satine just nods. Ahsoka places the crystals into new lightsabers. Like her other sabers, there is a main blade and a shoto, but the similarities stop there. Both new hilts are curved, graceful.

Ahsoka stands and ignites the blades. The white light illuminates the room.

---

Satine helps Padmé cut her hair, and the endless curls fall to the ground. After, Padmé’s hair reaches just past her jawline. She ties half of it up - the other half is too short - and Satine is reminded of Qui-Gon.

Padmé gives her a soft but strong smile. “To new beginnings,” she says, and Satine squeezes her hand.

---

Obi-Wan’s healing isn’t linear. He takes steps forward and then steps back. On one good day, he remembers intelligence that helps the rebel cell track down and extract Korkie Kryze, who had been in hiding on Concordia since his attempt to break his aunt out of Mandalore. Obi-Wan, using a cane to help him stand, is by Satine’s side in the hangar when Bo-Katan’s ship lands. 

Korkie races down the ramp before it fully lowers and launches himself into Satine’s arms.

Satine catches Obi-Wan’s eye as she hugs her nephew tightly. She radiates gratitude, unable to find words to properly express it.

Somehow, she thinks Obi-Wan understands.

---

Bail Organa manages to get word to them that the Empire has shifted its focus away from arresting members of the Delegation of 2000.

“Someone must have convinced the Emperor that disappearing that many political figures would lead to a unified, mass uprising,” says Bail via holo. He is out of hiding and back on Alderaan, tending to his wife, Breha, who has recently given birth to a baby boy. The baby in question wails in the background, and Satine has to smile. “Luke says hello,” says Bail, looking every bit the exhausted parent. “Forgive me - I must attend to him.”

Satine nods. “May the Force be with you.”

---

Roughly a year after they’d first sought refuge in the Temple, Satine catches Obi-Wan’s hand and pulls him outside to the hills. Soléa, now three months old, travels securely on Satine’s back. Obi-Wan’s gait is still stiff. Satine hopes that this will improve as his scar tissue heals: Yona has made a great deal of progress on it already using a combination of innovative treatments she’d developed herself as well as traditional herbal remedies. 

Now, as they walk through the morning air, parting the lavender grasses around them, Satine offers Obi-Wan her arm. He grips her elbow with a grateful look, leaning on both her and his cane.

They don’t walk far; they can still see the fields, now dormant, from where they sit. Obi-Wan offers to take Soléa from Satine’s back, and he cradles his daughter in his arms.

Satine smiles.

Then she says what she’d brought him here to say. “You’ve cut yourself off from the Force,” she whispers.

Obi-Wan doesn’t look up. Satine gives him a few minutes, knowing he’ll answer when he’s ready.

And he does.

“You noticed?”

“How could I not?”

He finally meets her eyes. “I thought your Force-sensitivity was only temporary,” he says, clearly intrigued. “I assumed once Soléa was born…”

“There’s much I still need to tell you,” says Satine gently. 

Yes, they had talked often and always upon his return, but they’d also been pulled apart - he’d dutifully attended numerous physical therapy sessions every day, and Satine had formally been elected the leader of the rebel cell not long after Obi-Wan’s return. Between his therapy and her strategy sessions and intelligence briefings, she hadn’t found the right moment.

So she’d had to steal it.

Satine tells her husband everything that Neha had told her about the taala, the Mandalorian Force sect. She tells him about her specific type of Force-sensitivity.

“I think my connection to the Force was amplified when I was pregnant,” she says finally. “But, somehow, it’s always been there. It’s just perhaps more subtle than a Jedi’s Force-sensitivity.”

Obi-Wan reaches over to take her hand. “I did not think it possible to be more in awe of you than I was when we first met, but every day you manage to prove me wrong.”

“And you’ve managed to dodge the question.” Her tone is pointed, but she smiles to let him know she’s not cross. “Why, Obi? I’ve never known you without the Force around you. It’s part of you.”

Soléa reaches up to grasp one of Obi-Wan’s fingers with her tiny fist. Obi-Wan kisses her forehead.

“If I don’t use the Force, then I can’t turn,” he says finally, and his voice breaks softly on the last word.

Satine bites her lip but doesn’t say anything.

He looks up at the sky. “I had to watch,” he begins, “on Kadavo. As enslaved people were tortured. As families were separated. As people were killed. I couldn’t do anything; I couldn’t save anyone - because if I did, more people would suffer. And it would have been my fault.” He takes a deep breath. “I went mad, I think, at least a little. And then, upon my return to Coruscant…they told me I had to die. To deceive everyone I cared most for. I didn’t have time to process Kadavo before I faked my death. And then - again - I had to watch as people died. I had to play a part. And I went a little more mad, in the end.”

“And then you rescued me,” says Satine weakly. The poor man.

He shakes his head, meeting her eyes again. His eyes hold oceans, and she wonders when he will let himself flood. “I think you saved me just as much,” Obi-Wan says. “You helped me let it all go.”

Satine shifts so that her thigh presses against his. “But I am no trauma counselor,” she says.

He lifts a brow, questioning.

“You think I do not know trauma when I see it?” says Satine. “Me, whose first day as duchess was touring the battlefields, watching them pile Mandalorian helmets by the hundreds and sweep bodies into mass graves?” She sighs. “I asked for help, Obi-Wan. And I may not have learned to overcome my trauma, but I did learn to live with it. I’m afraid the Jedi offered you no such opportunity.”

“You would be correct.”

Satine thinks of Qui-Gon and how he’d died in Obi-Wan’s arms. She thinks of Obi-Wan, still a child yet taking on the care of another child. She thinks of the healed fractures on his spine. She thinks of his funeral. She thinks of Anakin. And she thinks of Maul.

And Satine understands Obi-Wan’s fear. 

If Anakin, the strongest of the Jedi, had fallen…what was stopping Obi-Wan from doing the same? How much could one person reasonably be expected to survive, and then be able to continue on?

“Let us speak with Yona and Neha,” she says. “I think they will know how to help.”

Obi-Wan nods.

Satine reaches up to brush his hair into place. It is tidy and trimmed once more, revealing yet more scars upon his neck and hairline.

“To be clear, I am not saying you are weak,” adds Satine. “I am saying that you survived in the only way you knew how. You pulled yourself away. And it probably saved your life.”

He turns, leaning into her palm.

“But you once told me that the Force was like turning on a light. Obi-Wan, I don’t want you to live in the dark.”

His tears drop into her hand.

---

Before they return, Satine takes the Darksaber from her hip and disassembles it. She pockets the ebony kyber crystal but buries the rest of the component parts. Obi-Wan kisses her cheek and helps secure Soléa on Satine’s back.

“I love you,” he says, and she folds him into her arms.

---

Satine scavenges some spare wire and a leather cord fragment. She wraps the wire around the kyber crystal and forms a small loop with the wire, through which she threads the leather cord. After a few minutes, she deems the necklace passable, and she moves to tie it around her neck.

When she passes the next reflective surface, she stops still, startled.

The kyber crystal has turned silver.

---

The Dantooine rebel cell leaders are summoned early the next morning to the conference room. Ahsoka, who is out on assignment, appears via holo, her new lightsabers hanging from her hips. Her eyes search and land on Obi-Wan.

“Master…” she says softly.

Satine reaches for Obi-Wan in the same instant he reaches for her. Somehow they know what Ahsoka will say before she says it.

“There’s been an attack on Stewjon.”

---

end of book 1

#star wars fanfic #satine kryze #obi-wan kenobi #the lawless au #obitine #the clone wars #ptsd

[halfagonyandhope]

when the skies catch fire │ch. 28

first chapter (x); previous chapter (x)

She feels him wake.

“Satine?” he whispers, voice dry.

“I’m here,” she says, kneeling at the side of the bed, her eyes level with his. Obi-Wan is lying on his stomach so as not to disturb the wounds on his back. Satine glances at the bandages, noting that they’ll need to be replaced soon.

“Soléa?”

“She’s with Padmé,” Satine says gently.

“How is Padmé?” His words blur together, not unlike how Satine suspects his vision is now if his blinking eyes are any indication. He can’t quite seem to bring his pupils to focus on her.

“Grieving,” says Satine honestly. “But she does not blame you, Obi-Wan.”

He closes his eyes, wincing.

Satine breathes out and touches Obi-Wan’s wrist. “Padmé told me she saw the smoke from the Temple and knew it was him. She sought shelter there because she knew he wouldn't be able to return to face the bodies." She pauses. "She took a dagger from her apartment, initially for self defense. She hid it under her robes. But when she saw the younglings...she made a plan to kill him, Ben. But then..."

She trails off. Had he heard that Padmé had been pregnant?

He twines their fingers together, and she continues. “The stress of it all…she miscarried. Twins. After that, she was in no condition to hunt him down.”

Obi-Wan is finally able to meet her gaze, and Satine sees the ghosts of war in his eyes.

Satine just looks at him, tired eyes reflected back at her. “She thinks her pregnancy is why Anakin turned. He was trying to protect her from dying in childbirth.”

“If he truly were trying to protect her, he would have reached out to me. Or to the Council. We would have helped.”

Satine nods. “I know. However, I do not know if she’s ready to hear that his pride was greater than his love for her.” She breathes in deeply. “I think he did love her. But most of all, I think he loved that she loved him. And that is not a strong enough foundation upon which to build a marriage.” She squeezes his hand. “He’s really dead, then?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes go out of focus. Satine doesn’t have to wonder what he’s seeing in the air behind her.

“You do not have to say anything,” she whispers.  "Ahsoka told me. But I thought you might want - or need - to talk about it."

“I do,” Obi-Wan says. Satine brushes his hair out of his eyes. “Ahsoka and I gained higher ground. We warned him not to jump. But of course he did anyway. Blast.” He winces and snaps his eyes shut. “I cut through his limbs. I can still smell his flesh burning.”

Satine caresses his jaw. “Obi-Wan…”

“We were trying to tire him out, to get him into a position where we could reason with him. But he was too far gone. Ahsoka and I both knew this. I couldn’t do it, couldn’t end it, but Ahsoka pushed him into the lava. We left him there to burn.”

Satine tenses. 

It’s a strange sensation she feels sweep over her, like a wave turning to ice and shattering as it hits the sand.

“You didn’t confirm the kill?”

He just stares blankly ahead. “There was no body.”

Another wave of ice hits the shore. 

“Right,” says Satine weakly. Surely he had been incinerated. 

Surely...

Though she can’t shake the feeling, she forces herself to focus on Obi-Wan.

“Ahsoka was magnificent,” she says, desperate to change the subject. Her hands run through Obi-Wan’s hair in a feeble attempt to tame it. “On Mandalore. She took on Maul - and beat him.”

Obi-Wan smiles. It’s still weak, but it’s there. “That’s twice a Jedi padawan has bested him. Not, of course, that I’d keep track of such trivialities.” 

Satine snorts.

“And you, my dear,” says Obi-Wan. “You won the Darksaber?” The admiration, the adoration in his eyes is almost too bright, but she doesn’t look away.

“He underestimated me,” says Satine simply. “And he underestimated what pacifism can accomplish.”

“Not so idealistic after all, I see,” says Obi-Wan, and he smiles again. Then he is more sober. “The younglings?”

“They arrived here with Ahsoka and Bo,” says Satine. “Safely, thanks to you. And we were able to track down the sect that abandoned this base. They’re here now, too.”

“Then it was worth it,” Obi-Wan breathes out.

Satine kisses him, perhaps more fiercely than she’d intended. “Just never do that to me again.”

“I promise, my dear,” he says against her lips.

Then he pulls on her hand with surprising force, considering his injuries.

“Come here.”

As if she would deny him anything.

So she climbs onto the bed beside him, helping him to shift his weight onto his side. She rests her head beside his. One of his hands ghosts along the lines of her body, memorizing curves that hadn’t been there when they’d parted.

Before she can even think to be self-conscious of the changes to her body she’d experienced during the pregnancy, he pulls her against his chest and murmurs, “After all these months, you’re even more beautiful than ever.”

He kisses her again, chastely - at least initially. After several moments pass, Satine has to pull back, all too aware of just how much he wants her. 

“Your wounds,” she says pointedly, panting.

His mouth moves to her neck, and she moans.

“I’m sure the endorphin rush will be superior to any narcotic,” he says against her skin.

“Obi!” says Satine. “I’d slap you if every inch of your skin weren’t covered in horrid gashes.”

“Very well, my dear,” says Obi-Wan, giving her a last kiss before pulling away slightly. “Do you have my lightsaber?”

She retrieves it, shooting him a curious look. He explains how to take it apart, and she follows his instructions. After removing a certain fragment, two circular pieces of metal fall into her palm, one larger than the other.

On closer inspection, she realizes the metal is beskar, and the pieces are rings.

Satine doesn’t bother to wipe at the moisture in her eyes. “You made our rings part of your lightsaber?”

“After my…death,” he begins. 

She doesn’t have to ask him what he means, doesn’t have to be reminded of the time he’d visited her in the dead of night to ask her forgiveness. It had been the first time they’d let themselves imagine a future after the war.

“After my death,” he says again, “I wanted to carry you with me. I tweaked the internal design of the saber to hold the rings.” He smiles at her expression. “I’ve had the rings since I was 18, but after the war began, I needed a part of you with me, always.”

Satine sets the components of the saber aside but holds the rings in her palm, feeling them grow warm.

“May I?” asks Obi-Wan, reaching for the smaller of the rings.

She nods, not quite capable of speech, and he slides the ring onto the fourth finger of her left hand. The first of her tears falls the moment the ring is in place. Then, keeping his hands in hers, she puts the other ring on his finger. They make no vows. 

For they’ve already promised themselves to each other, back when she was destined to be a duchess and he was planning to become a peacekeeper - and in every year since then until now.

They are, still, both of those things and more.

#star wars fanfic #satine kryze #obi-wan kenobi #the lawless au #obitine #the clone wars