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iknow-thisisallinmyhead · 4 months

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The Holiday Lie | December 20th

How about some anxiety, obliviousness, and christmas magic! - 14k - read on ao3

It’s the ungodly pressure in my bladder that wakes me.

Everything’s bright, far brighter than I’m used to this early. Rays of light are dancing across my face, blinding me. I squint against it, shutting out the unfamiliar room. I’m too cozy to bother moving, bladder be damned.

The previous day comes back in flashes; the flights, my family, the huge lie I asked Eddie and Chris to tell. Guilt floods me as I think about the upcoming week and the way the lies are just gonna get bigger and more uncomfortable. Why did I have to drag Eddie into this dumb plot? Eddie, who always tells me yes, who always has my back, who always wants me around. At least I think he does. Most of the time.

The bed shifts, jostling me. My eyes fly open just as I realize the weight against my chest must be Eddie. He’s soft and warm and snoring quietly, thick brown hairs tickling my nose. He’s got a hand shoved under my shirt, fingers curling around my waist, and a heavy leg thrown over mine, pinning me in place. He fits against me like a puzzle piece, limbs slotting together like they’ve done it before.

But we’ve never done anything like this, always keeping a line, thin though it is, between platonic touches and this. This- this- this snuggling. I feel myself blush as the word rolls through my mind. Snuggling. Is this even okay? I’m already asking him for so much, what if he wakes up and gets uncomfortable? He really didn’t seem okay after we found out the reservation was messed up and he certainly didn’t seem like he wanted to share a bed with me. What if this is what tips the scales and I finally lose him for good? What if this whole stupid week becomes something that we can never come back from? I couldn’t have just offered to sleep on the floor? Eddie probably would prefer that and he deserves the bed anyway because of what I’m asking him to do.

I’m spiraling enough that I resolve to ask Josh for some more blankets. I'll just set up a nest on the floor for the rest of the week. Our friendship is too important to lose. The carpet is plush anyway, it won’t be too harsh on my back.

My thoughts drift back to the bed, to Eddie; peaceful, beautiful, untouchable Eddie, sleeping in my arms. He’s pressed against me from chest to knees, breath rolling over my neck. Every inch of contact makes me feel like I’m on fire, scorching and sizzling across my skin.

I never let myself think about this; the touch, the comfort, the intimacy of waking up with my best friend in my arms. Years ago, when I first realized that maybe my feelings for the brunet weren't quite so platonic, I worked very hard to shut them down, pushing and shoving and kicking everything I felt so far away from my conscious thought until they faded entirely. I would rather have Eddie as my friend than risk the chance he and Chris would wash their hands of me forever.

Eventually, the pressure of my bladder is too much. Sighing, I begin the process of extracting myself from Eddie’s grip. I’d hate waking him up when he looks this peaceful. With a few minutes of complex maneuvering, I manage to free myself. Unfortunately, this means tumbling from the bed head first and whacking my hand against the leg of the nightstand. A knuckle pops in the worst way, causing a curse to fall from my lips, breaking the quiet of the room.

I climb to my feet, pausing to look down at the other man. My shout doesn’t seem to have disturbed him; he’s still asleep, sighing as he curls further onto my side of the bed. There’s a crease in his forehead that wasn’t there before, like he misses my warmth already. Seeing him like this, wrinkled and flushed in the early morning light, has my breath catching, has a gentle fluttering tickling my chest. Absently, I rub at my sternum until the feeling fades.

The bathroom is cold, tile freezing against my thin socks. I don’t bother with the light, quickly relieving myself and washing my hands. It only takes a couple minutes, but when I get back to the bedroom Eddie’s already sitting up in the bed and looking at his phone. His hair is sticking up in a million different directions and there’s already a frown marring the serene face I was just admiring. The sight fills me with an impulse to kick whatever’s causing it. To make sure Eddie never frowns again. I sigh internally. It’s not the first time I’ve felt the need to rush to Eddie’s aid; I realized long ago that I would do anything for him.

“What’s up?” I ask, crossing the room to where I left my phone on the window bench.

Eddie yawns before replying, stretching his arms up over his head.

I catch a peek of tanned skin as his shirt rises a little with the motion and quickly avert my eyes back to my task. The phone isn't sitting on the bench, but I think I remember slipping it back into my bag before I changed last night.

Eddie’s voice is gravelly, still waking up.“There might be a big snowstorm this week.”

I find my phone just as it buzzes, a text from Maddie coming in. “Why the frown? That just means we’ll get a white Christmas.” I grin over at him to see he’s already looking back with a small smile on his face. His eyes are all squinty and he’s got an indent along his cheek from the way he was sleeping. My chest flutters again at the sight. I drop my eyes back to my phone, pulling up the message from my sister to distract me from the way Eddie looks just after waking. It’s nothing I haven’t witnessed before. There have been many nights spent on Eddie’s couch, many mornings that started with a bleary eyed brunet glaring down at me with a cup of coffee in hand.

Eddie grumbles under his breath, but I’m too absorbed by Maddie’s message to ask him to repeat himself. It’s a video of a breakfast table across town: Chris and Jee are sitting together, each with a stack of pancakes in front of them. Chris is telling the girl something, his voice too low to be picked up by the camera's microphone. Jee tosses her head back in uncontrollable laughter, milk spraying out of her nose and only making her laugh harder. Chris joins in too, his toothy grin popping out fully for the first time I’ve seen in a while. I can’t fight my own grin that pulls my lips up as I listen to the cackles.

When I look back towards the bed, Eddie drops his phone looking faintly embarrassed. He ignores the quirk of my eyebrows, tossing the quilt off. “We should get dressed.” Rolling out of bed, he heads over to the closet door to rifle through his clothes.

I send Maddie a reply of emojis before digging through my duffle. Pulling out a light pink sweater and a clean pair of jeans, I get to my feet. “I’m gonna take a quick shower. Do you need to use the bathroom first?”

He looks over his shoulder, arms still reaching up to his clothes on the shelf above him. “I can wait, but I need to take one too.”

I nod, rooting around in my bag to grab fresh underwear and socks before heading off to the en suite.

#fanfiction #buddie #writing #eddie diaz #the holiday lie #wip #buddie 911 #buddie fic #911 abc #evan buck buckely #holiday au #buddie holiday romcom au #buddie abc #hallmark holiday cinematic universe #christmas tree o christmas tree #jee-yun is a menace but we love her

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iknow-thisisallinmyhead · 4 months

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Ahhhhhh! It's heeeeerrrrreeeeeee!!

The Holiday Lie | December 19th

Agreeing to be a fake date for your best friend is all fun and games until you have to lie to his sister’s face. - 12k - read on ao3

After an hour-long drive out of Harrisburg, the rental pulls to a stop in front of a big, yellow Colonial house. Snow covers the roof, adding to the illusion that a reindeer drawn sleigh has landed there. Multicolored string lights wrap around the large picture windows, off for the day, and a herd of white light reindeer sprawl across the lawn, snouts tucked down in the snow or raised high to the sky.

The house sits in the middle of the block, looking festively picturesque among similarly decorated homes, with a warm and welcoming glow inviting us in. A dalmatian shaped mailbox denotes it to be 118 Crow’s Nest Point, a fact that always cracks me up. I’ve been friends with Buck long enough to have heard about the Crow Incident of 2016- the story changes almost every time it's told but one thing always remains the same: a never ending war between Chimney and all crows he comes across.

Buck clears his throat, bringing my attention back inside the car. He’s wearing a dopey grin while staring up at his sister’s house, soft and serene in the midmorning light. “Home, sweet home,” he murmurs happily.

Chris’s dry reply floats up from the back seat. “I thought you never lived here.”

“True, I have not! But it's always been more of a home than the house I actually grew up in.” With a shrug Buck opens his door, nearly falling out of the cab in his haste. A frigid gust of air blows in, sending a shiver down my collar. Before following my best friend into the icy Pennsylvania morning, I shore up my mental walls in an attempt to prepare for the coming week.

I think back to Thanksgiving night; the blond sitting dejectedly at my kitchen table, wringing his hands on the surface, an untouched slice of pie pushed off to the side. He looked so sad and frustrated; another failed relationship, another missed opportunity for happiness, another piece of evidence that he would be alone forever. He was a storm cloud, dark and gloomy and ready to crack open and unleash a hurricane of negative emotions aimed at himself. I couldn’t let that happen. Couldn’t let him turn inwards and close off to start the assault. And I couldn’t say no.

I never can when it comes to him.

Leaning back against the seat, I run a hand over my eyes. Seven days, I just have to get through the next seven days. Chris opens his door. I can hear the grin in his voice as he calls, “Coming, Dad?”

“Coming,” I mutter, unbuckling and getting out.

Buck’s already halfway up the walk, practically galloping with no regard to the ice and slush. His hand is raised, waving at the figures standing in front of a bright blue door. Jee-Yun leaps off of the porch, throwing herself into Uncle Buck’s arms. He catches her, scooping his niece up and twirling; little girl a blur of pink tulle and rainbow sparkles, candy cane striped tights and purple snow boots kicking out as Buck spins around and around.

Maddie pulls her eyes off of the excited and endearing reunion and smiles at me in greeting, reaching out to wrap me in a hug. It takes a beat too long for me to unstiffen and reciprocate the embrace but she holds me tight, rubbing a soothing hand up and down my back. “I’m so happy you and Chris made it this year!” she says pulling back. Her fingers slide to my shoulder where she squeezes once before letting me go. “I’ve been waiting for years for Buck to tell me you two finally got it together and got together! You’ve always made him so happy, Eddie, and I can never thank you enough for that.”

The words are a sharp lance of guilt to my gut. Her eyes are so sincere as she looks up that I can’t maintain eye contact, dropping my gaze to my boots and the slick step below me. Agreeing to be a fake date for your best friend is all fun and games until you have to lie to his sister’s face.

“Yeah.” I chuckle awkwardly and step out of her arms, looking over my shoulder at Buck. He’s flat on his back in the snow, lifting his niece up the while making engine noises. Jee’s cackling wildly, arms spread out like a plane. I can’t fight the smile that lifts my lips up at the sight. Turning back to Maddie, I shrug. “He makes me happy, too,” I admit, glad I don’t have to hide this stupid grin that only Buck can pull out of me. It’s all part of the lie I agreed to tell, right? Even if it's not a forced reaction.

Maybe this week won’t be so bad. For once, I won’t have to pretend that I’m not in love with my best friend. I just have to pretend that he loves me too. And I’ve thought about what it would be like enough, spent far too many hours daydreaming about, that I can probably do it. I think. Maybe. Can I do it without breaking my heart in the process? That’s the real question. Only time will tell.

“Christopher! Look at you!” Maddie squeals.

“Hi, Maddie,” Chris says with a grin. He’s on the step below me, lifting one poison green crutch up as he waves.

“Come here!” Chris happily wraps his arms around her. He’s always been a big hugger, just like his mom and has no problem eagerly reciprocating her embrace. “You’ve gotten so tall!”

The teen chuckles. “Are you sure you just aren’t getting shorter?”

Maddie reels back, mouth hanging open in feigned shock.

“Rude,” she says, wagging a finger at him.

A peal of laughter announces Jee-Yun’s presence as she runs up onto the porch. “Me too, me too!” she calls, skipping around. She’s holding two very wet Hello Kitty mittens in her very pink hands instead of wearing them. “I got tall too! I grew seven inches!” She jumps up, catching a few inches of air before landing back down with a wobble. “I grew seven inches!”

“Close, Sweet Little,” laughs Maddie. “You grew three inches since your last doctor’s visit.” She holds up three fingers, demonstrating how many inches the girl grew. “Now, let’s get you inside so we can warm those poor little hands up.” She reaches for her daughter, but the girl jerks back, stamping a tiny foot on the porch.

“No, Mama! I grew seven inches!”

Buck snorts, amused by the five year old’s antics. I’m caught off guard by how close he’s gotten without my notice and end up jump a little. He quickly reaches a hand out to steady me, fingers splaying across my lower back and sending a current of electricity up my spine. Even through the thick coat I’m wearing I swear I can feel how warm his hand is, swear I can feel that warmth as it bleeds into me. He turns up the wattage of his smile, a ray of light breaking the clouds on this overcast day. There’s a tight, warm feeling in my chest and I can’t help it. The stupid grin is back.

“Careful, it’s just me. I’d hate for you to fall and break your neck.”

“If I fell you’d save me.” I’m sure of it, Buck wouldn’t think twice. He’s built for saving people, he was just born that way. It’s what makes him such a good firefighter. Those bulky arms would be around me before either of us could process what’s happening, before I’d ever be in any danger. That's just who he is. I may or may not have entertained a daydream or two like it over the years since I’ve acknowledged my crush; Buck catching me in his arms, holding me close, eyes darting down to look at my lips…

He raises an eyebrow at the comment, self-doubt automatically scrolling across his face. The smile falls from his lips, hiding the sun back behind dark clouds. “You would! You’d never let me leave Christopher without a father.” I say dramatically, trying to bring it back, needing it back. But the words aren’t quite true. If I died Chris would still have a-

“You two lovebirds gonna come in or what? I’m not paying to heat the outside, you know?”

Startling, we rip our gazes away from each other. A blush burns across my face and I have to look away from Maddie too, away from the knowing, amused expression on her face. She’s standing on the threshold with her hands resting on the door jam, pointedly looking around the empty porch. When did Chris go inside? Surely Jee-Yun hadn’t gone quietly. I didn’t even notice as they left us alone. One smile from the taller man and I’m a goner, floating through space with a tether connecting me to Buck and Buck alone, like no one else exists. I sigh internally.

I’m getting too old for this kind of shit.

Grinning, Buck pushes past his sister, stepping over the threshold and into the house. So I do what I always do, what I’ve done since we first met; I follow. It’s warm inside, too warm, and I immediately pull off my coat. The Buckely siblings disappear down the hall, but Chimney pops up out of nowhere with a hand outstretched so I pass over the tan, weather proofed material. He pulls open a closet already over stuffed with colorful winter garb and shoves it in, glancing sheepishly back at me as the coat crumples into a black hole. Sardonically, I wonder if it'll ever be seen again. He slams the door shut, leaning against it like it'll bounce open again if left to its own devices.

“Eddie,” he says nonchalantly.

“Chimney.” I nod. Overhead, there’s a squeal of delight followed by pounding feet running down the hall. My guess is Jee-Yun has already dragged her uncle up to her room.

“So, how’d you manage to get roped into this?” The shorter man asks with a knowing look in his dark, beady eyes.

Wait, what? My stomach swoops like it does when you miss a step going downstairs. I didn't even know that could happen when you're standing still. Chimney crosses his arms, waiting for an answer but I’m stunned speechless. He can’t already have figured out that we’re lying, can he?

“You were better off keeping it a secret, you know.” Shaking his head, he clicks his tongue in disappointment and I can breathe again. “We’re not the kind of family that gives you privacy.” He steps closer. “There’s no privacy, Diaz, you will spill all of your secrets to us.” Lowering his voice to a whisper, he adds. “All of them.”

Knowing it’s a lie, I say, “Oh, I don’t really have any secrets.” Buck’s smile flashes in the back of my mind, big, and full of teeth, and just for me but I wave it off.

Before I’m able to push him away, Chimney’s got a hand fisted in the collar of my flannel. He drags me closer, pushing up onto his toes to level the distance and stare unblinking into my eyes. I’m starting to think he’s drunk, but it’s not even noon yet. He certainly smells like beer.

“We all have secrets, Diaz.”

“Howie, get off of him. I cannot believe you’re tipsy at eleven o’clock on a Monday morning.” Maddie comes to my rescue, pulling her partner off of me with an exasperated sigh.

I adjust my blue and gray plaid shirt, smoothing out the collar. “Tipsy?”

“Mads, you know we have to pick the holiday special brew before we open today! I think I picked my favorite three: The Sam Adams one is okay but really I don’t think it’s what people want to buy for half off the week before Christmas. I really think we’re better off going with Highland Brewing or, oh, the Nutcracker Ale! That one was top notch!”

“Howie, honey, whatever you want! Just don’t break my new brother-in-law!” The title burns my ears as another lance of guilt pierces my belly. She pinches his cheek before shoving him unceremoniously through the doorway to the dining room. There's a cackle as Chimney very loudly trips and falls, moaning and groaning the whole way down. Sighing, Maddie shakes her head fondly. “I don’t know why I ever think pairing Howie and Hen together is a good idea.” She smiles at me and I feel guilty again. I’m not even doing anything right now and I feel guilty. “Jee kidnapped Uncle Buck and brought him upstairs, and Christopher and Albert are putting on Home Alone in the living room. The Lees should be here within the hour and we're planning on having lunch at the pub. Do you know when you have to check in at the Snowflake?”

“Check in is at noon. Worst case scenario we can meet you at the pub after.”

“Okay, perfect, you can leave Chris here, if you want, and we’ll bring him over.” I nod at the suggestion. “Now, I’m going to tell you this because Howie is currently unreliable and Buck’s gonna be distracted for a while: I have to drop cupcakes off for the school’s Holiday Bake Sale. I will be gone for a half hour, forty-five minutes tops. And if you really want to prove that you deserve my brother you can get Howie to drink some coffee and sober up some before his parents get here.” She steps forward, coming up to press a kiss into my cheek. Before I can respond, she turns around and picks up a tupperware container filled with sparkly red and silver cupcakes, her keys, and a to-go tumbler of coffee. Then she’s gone; shouting a goodbye to her partner as the door swings shut behind her.

All alone, my fingers reach up to press against a tingling cheek. This lie is going to be the death of me.

With nothing better to do, I glance around the entryway. There's a mirror hanging across from me with festive silver tinsel wrapped around its edges. Surrounding the frame are dozens of snapshots taped to the wall: candid family photos, old pictures of Chimney and the Lees and of Maddie and Buck, and various group shots throughout the years. My heart beats uncomfortably when I find my own face staring back at me.

The first- and oldest- photo is from the first Christmas with Buck. Chris is holding his new game console, a huge grin plastered across his face, while Buck and I are positioned on the couch behind him. It's a familiar picture; one that Tia Peppa took, one that hangs on my fridge at home, one that I have spent far too long staring at since I connected the dots on all these inconvenient feelings- how it ended up on a wall in Pennsylvania I don't know.

Next is one from the grand opening of Kevin’s- the pub Maddie and Chimney launched a few years ago. I don't even remember the moment I'm looking at; Buck and I are sitting at the shiny new bartop, grinning at each other over the beer bottles that we’re toasting. Chimney's in the background, arm curled like he's about to whip his bar rag at us.

The last one is also from the pub opening, a group shot this time. Everyone important to the publicans are there: Hen and her wife, Karen, who own the nearest café, Bobby and Athena from the Christmas tree farm out on the edge of town, Anne and John Lee, the couple who raised Chimney to name a few I recognize. And then there's me and Buck. Taking in the way my face is forever immortalized on their wall, I can't help but sigh disparagingly.

We’re all grouped in front of the pub, a sash of cherry red satin taped across the doors. The owners are holding a pair of comically large scissors about to cut the ribbon and we’re all crowded around them to be in frame. Buck and I are standing at the back, mostly cut out of the shot given the size of the group. Everyone’s looking at the camera, or at the giant scissors- even Buck is, eyes trained up front towards his sister. But I'm staring right at him, seemingly unaware of anything going on around us.

I remember how anxious I had been that day, surprised Maddie and Chimney wanted me in the photos, but worried Buck would think it was too much, too clingy, too awkward. Who was I to infiltrate his family unit? Our friendship was only a couple years old at the time and my feelings were just reaching a boiling point I couldn’t keep ignoring. I can see them all plain as day, frozen in time in the way only photos can capture. It's there in the way my whole body seems to curve towards him, the way my head tilts back so I can see him, the way my eyes are shining like they're filled with stars.

It’s fucking embarrassing. I’m honestly amazed that no one’s ever picked up on it.

“Diaz!”

Jumping, I turn just as Hen steps out of the dining room, looking intimidating in a black tracksuit and her signature flashy glasses. She’s always seemed way too cool for a small town like Fire Station, but somehow manages to fit right in. Thankfully, she doesn’t try to hug me, just grins over the lip of a winter themed beer bottle. “Karen and I are so happy to hear you finally pulled your head out your ass and told Buckaroo how you feel! It was so obvious from the way you trailed after him like a lost puppy dog. Not that he was any better.” She pats my shoulder gently and then points up to the same photo I was just looking at. “So obvious.” Shaking her head she snorts, heading off down the hall and muttering about the bathroom. Listening to her walk away, I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror across from me. Crimson blooms across my cheeks, splotchy and bright.

I sigh. Once upon a time, I bottled my emotions so much that no one could get a read on them. I’m pretty sure the only reason that changed is over six feet tall with curly blond hair and a set of frosty cerulean eyes that make me weak in the knees.

“Edmuuuundoooo!”

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. The faint call echoes down through the ceiling followed by another loud thump. Sighing, I set off in search of my best friend and his nightmare of a niece. Not that I'd ever call her that within earshot of Buck. He'd never forgive me.

Heading into the living room, I find Albert and Chris set up on the sectional, a bowl of popcorn between them as Catherine O'Hara drags Macauley Caulkin past his siblings and cousins to deposit him on the third floor. Albert looks up, helpfully pointing over to the stairs where the sounds of giggling and thumping, louder than before, are emanating from.

True to Maddie’s nature, it looks like a holiday bomb exploded in the house, covering the room in festive shrapnel; ribbons and tinsel and tiny villagers galore. Garland and lights twirl through the hand railing and balusters leading to the second floor and wrap around the mantle. Red bows and embroidered stockings dangle above the fireplace, currently cold, and more than one Elf on the Shelf can be spotted perched throughout the room. There’s something off about it all but it doesn't come to me until I'm heading up the steps. There’s no Christmas tree. A week before the holiday and they’ve yet to put one up. Weird, considering the Yuletide vomit covering every surface.

On the landing, I come face to face with a large, framed photo of a much younger set of Buckley siblings. Buck's no more than sixteen, tall and skinny and gangly with an arm slung proudly around his sister. Maddie’s beaming in a horribly orange graduation gown, clutching a diploma in one hand and a massive bouquet in the other. He looks so young, so innocent and sweet. I wish I'd known him back then, wish I’d been there when all he had in the world was a sister. I wonder how many things would be different and how many things would still be the same. Wonder if more time together would make it easier to give in, to confess, to show him how much I-

“Edmundo saaaaave me!” Buck's call pulls me from my head. A delighted peal of laughter follows it a second later, full of joy and wonder. Trailing after the racket, I find more family photos and pots of poinsettia, fairy lights and holiday cards, and a small fake Christmas tree with a second, smaller village underneath it. Why would there be a tree up here but not one downstairs? They have a fireplace and a five year old, the tree should be by Santa’s preferred entrance, shouldn’t it?

There’s a door cracked open at the end of the hall, a riot of color within but still it's Buck's blond curls that catch my eye first. He’s face down on a cotton candy pink shag carpet while Jee-Yun balances on his back, pigtails bouncing. Her purple boots are long gone, ditched somewhere in the chaos and her red and white striped feet are walking up and down his spine. Toys are scattered all over the place; falling from the overflowing bins under the windows, spilling from underneath the bed, and dangling haphazardly from the net strung up in the corner of the ceiling. The closet doors are thrown wide and a rainbow is escaping in the form of dresses and tutus, tights and shoes, and even more toys.

It’s an absolute disaster and I hope it was like this before Buck came up. It’s been, like, five minutes, is it even possible to make this much mess in that short amount of time? Considering what I know of the little girl and her frenzied energy, yes, it is possible.

Jee-Yun loses her balance, tiny feet sliding off Buck’s back until she’s got them on the carpet on either side of his ribs, hands pinwheeling until she’s sure she’s not gonna fall any further. She straightens up and lets out a demonic giggle. “Again, again, again,” she squeals, jumping back onto her uncle. He lets out a groan and I can tell from the way his body jerks that it doesn’t feel good to have forty pounds come crashing down on your spine like that. Jee wiggles around, earning a loud crack from underneath her feet.

Buck finally sees me standing in the doorway. “Edmundo, save me!” He lets out a couple of fake coughs, reaching a hand towards me but pausing halfway through the gesture and letting it drop to the carpet. With a final cough, he goes boneless, melting into the carpet.

Jee-Yun’s own brown eyes light up as she clocks me. “Uncle Eddie!” She starts clapping, jumping up and down, up and down on Buck’s back. The blond grimaces, air rushing out of his mouth with every bounce.

“Okay, Jee-Yun.” I step forward, reaching out to pick her up and salvage my friend’s back. She must have other plans, though, as she bends her knees and catapults herself off Buck and into my arms. Giggling, she wraps her legs around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder, squeezing as tight as her five year old’s arms will allow.

“Merry Christmas, Uncle Eddie.”

“Merry Christmas, Jee,” I murmur, squeezing back.

She gives me one minute of stillness, one minute as she hugs me and whispers she's happy I'm here, before wiggling her way to freedom. As always, my heart constricts at how easily she thinks of me as part of her family. From the moment she was born Maddie started calling me Uncle Eddie, despite my insistence it wasn't necessary. Any type of protest was met with a scoff or an eye roll until I gave in and accepted the title.

“You’re Buck’s best friend right? You’re not going anywhere. She’s gotta call you something so Uncle Eddie it is.” Her tone brokered no argument. To this day, I will deny that it made me choke up more than I ever did with my sisters' kids.

When Jee-Yun’s back on her feet she darts out of the room and disappears down the hall, leaving a trail of sparkles and laughter as she goes. Two minutes with her and I’m already exhausted. I look down at Buck, still lying on the plush carpet. He rolled over at some point and is propping his head up with a hand as he gazes up at me. He looks dumbstruck, all wide eyes and parted lips.

I arch an eyebrow. “What?”

Is it my imagination or does Buck blush at the question? There’s a few splotchy raspberry patches cropping up along the apples of his cheeks. He quickly looks away, though, clearing his throat and getting to his feet.

“Nothing, just uh-” he starts before clearing his throat again. “Just, uh, thanks for doing this, again. Getting teased every year about always being single is so depressing! I know this is awkward and I-I’m so sorry that I involved you in a lie like this, I just- I just-”

“Hey,” I interrupt, not wanting him to spiral already. We just got here. “I got your back, Buck. Always.” I clap a hand on his shoulder, heart somersaulting through something viscous as I gaze up into the expansive blue of his eyes. There’s only two inches difference, why does he always seem so much taller? “No matter how awkward and weird and inappropriate the request is, remember? We made a deal five years ago and I intend to keep it.”

Buck reaches up, scratching at the back of his neck and looking away again. Why does he always look away? I never can, not really. His face is slowly getting more and more color; a pretty pink that matches his birthmark. No doubt caused by the unbearably high thermostat setting.

“Five years ago fake dating was not on the table.”

“No, but honestly? Not the weirdest situation we’ve gotten ourselves into.” I grin, wishing he would meet my gaze. It feels like I spend half my life wishing Buck would look at me, this shouldn’t be any different. But there’s a sinking feeling in my gut that’s telling me this week is going to make everything about us, about our friendship, about Buck-and-Eddie different.

Just not in the way I’ve spent years hoping for.

There’s a thump in the hall, distracting me from the anxiety crawling along my spine. Someone much bigger than Jee-Yun is making their way down to us. Buck’s eyes are still looking everywhere but me, hand running up and down the back of his neck and head. He looks guilty and sad and it feels like my fault, why does it feel like my fault? I let my lips fall, erasing the smile and stepping back. “Come on,” I say, holding out my hand. “Maybe we can snag some of Chimney’s winter ales before we go check in?”

Finally, he looks back at me with a smile lifting up the corners of his mouth; small enough that I’m still worried but big enough that I can feel my heart do another somersault. He reaches out to grab my hand and I know it’s just for show, I know it’s just to keep up the ruse, I know that it means nothing, not to him, but it still sends a sharp electrical current up my arm.

One of these days, Evan Buckley will be the death of me.

We bump into Albert in the hall, wearing what looks like a full cup of coffee down his front. “She’s absolutely insane,” he tells us, shaking his head as he steps into his room.

There is a crash and a squeal from the floor below and Buck and I turn to each other, eyes wide. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had to wrangle a kindergartener,” I whisper.

He jostles our hands between us. “We got this.”

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